OP, I love the paintings you post. How did you find them or learn about them?
I went for the first therapist session. I was lucky and didn't have the experience other Wizards had. He didn't dismiss what I had to say and didn't tell me just to do more exercise. Even though I said I was a NEET and had no relationships he didn't fixate on that. He didn't really worry about when I brought up suicide and was content to discuss things in terms of not committing suicide because of family; he did so without trying to get me to just think positive. He seemed to be interested in engaging with what I was explaining and not just pushing it aside to focus on the advice we've already tried. My dysfunction was taken seriously rather than as just being treated as unwillingness to do things.
There is still a lot that may not go well but I thought I'd share since lots of wizards have shared their bad luck with therapists.
My depression is finally starting to decrease, but only because it feels good essentially being born with a hysterectomy and having been pounded in the head to death by those D.A.R.E campaigns throughout Elementary school (even if, by today's standards, they didn't quite succeed with espresso in my book -_-.) Along with reasons to be fucking celibate throughout the majority of junior high in 3 different schools..
Don't get me wrong, 2016 was still an emotional Holocaust, and being an aspie isn't exactly a picnic one second at a time, but nonetheless, take it away Mr. Idle! https://youtube.com/watch?v=jHPOzQzk9Qo
One painting leads to another and etc. >>>/hob/48753
>>204911>It makes me feel numb. I don't feel extremely sad, angry or happy. Just a neutral but unpleasent sensation.
This is such a paradox. You know you should feel happy over the fact that your brain chemicals are being prevented from giving off angry or sad signals, but you've also been prevented from feeling joy. They either take all your emotions, or none. In that sense they're not just anti-depressants, but anti-ecstatics, or even just anti-feeling-remotely-goods-today.
Of course what you're depressed about is still a factor in your life which you can consciously realize, so the unpleasant feeling of doom and despair still lingers, ready to snap back hard towards a tormenting dread once the drugs wear off.
There's no winning with these drugs. Anyone with an inner voice can look past the smoke cloud they produce in the brain and still know that something is wrong, forcing you to remain in a state of dread while disallowing the potential of feeling good should something go your way.
Sell the Prozac, buy or do something that will make you truly happier, even if by a little.
I'm in the same boat.
It is still a very powerful anti anxiety drug so I'll keep them.
I've been having gum inflammation off and on for months now and I can't figure out how to stop it. I've tried salt water rinses, clove oil, special toothpaste, I even went to the dentist to get my teeth professionally cleaned, but none of it worked. I've been brushing after every meal and flossing at least once a day if not more too and it's pissing me off.
Why is everything so nauseating and exhausting.
Just about had a heart attack replacing the ear pads on my expensive headphones today. I'm very high strung when it comes to these sorts of things mostly as a result of, I'd imagine, my substantial autism blowing things completely out of proportion & sperging out, just as it does with almost everything else. Doesn't help that I have the dexterity of a retarded butcher. Anyway, I managed to get the new ones on, but I was pretty much losing my mind & hyperventilating the whole time and I'm still reeling from the experience of it all. That's how little an autist like me can handle it seems. That alone really speaks for itself and serves as a painful reminder to how useless & pathetic I am. In the end, I just hope I got them on alright and will probably be paranoid that I didn't for a while, despite them sounding fine, but trying to convince myself otherwise, since my deranged subconscious can gaslight/fuck with me (bass seems a little weaker/quieter, but everything else sounds oddly better). They feel a lot more comfortable to wear at least, since my old ear pads were quite smelly/greasy due to how much I wear my headphones.
woke up in the middle of the night to a nosebleed
I have accrued quite a sum of money and I don't know what to spend it on. Spending money on videogames or any sort of media aside from printed books has always seemed dumb to me. I'm no gourmet, so buying lots of food is also a meh idea. I have a small wardrobe and am not planning on expanding it any further. I feel happy with the conditions in which I live. I currently have no medical problems that require treatment. And I have no desire of funding something or someone.
I could invest into my mental health and go see a private shrink and eventually get prescribed with antidepressants or something, despite my prejudice and distrust I have for psychiatry and the medication. I'm just desperate at this point.
Pay me to be your wizpal.
If you're unsure on how to spend the money, maybe invest it in something? At least you'd have more of it in case of emergencies.
Life is dumb. Go with the flow.
burn the money and film it
i agree these is a 128GB kindle on the way.
You could never read all the books you could put on that, your eyes would burn out first.(2155 books on mine right now)
Your post reminds me of this university librarian who was in the same situation as you. He lived a mostly frugal life and ended up amassing $4 million after his death, which he donated to the university because he didn't know what else to do with it.https://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2016/09/01/longtime-unh-librarian-leaves-million-school/ww2ivoRweb8wmI0zKgJepI/story.html
How do I kill feelings in me?
Last month is nothing but wanting to be loved something that is impossible for me
Ok. Not sure how other people's enjoyment affect that wiz's enjoyment (or lack of it)
Find somebody to love you.
I think it's cool that cool people have talent. It's also cool the other way. You have I inherent worth as a human being.
I can relate.
I feel like learning something creative, that can give your ideas and visions a tangible form through which you can convey said ideas and visions, perfecting them in the process if you so wish, for the material is malleable and ideas are vague and fleeting, would be just perfect for me as it would rid me of this awful feeling of futility whenever I am imagining something that seems promising, would make me valuable through my work (in a best case scenario) and would fill my life with meaning again.
Too bad it's so excruciatingly hard, from all standpoints, too. The practical side of things is beyond me and I'm slow to learn, despite the simplicity of the process; motivation and morale are big concerns because like you said, seeing young people do good at what you're trying to learn is like having a knife rammed into your stomach and twisted a couple of times, I can't properly concentrate, have the patience for learning or simply feel good about myself and what I do knowing there is a genetically modified Chinese Da Vinci not too far away who already is and will be infinitely better than me.
And despite the "if it's a hobby you can do bad" sentiments being thrown around, I think the opposite, despite the fact that this mindset is continuously poisoning my life and is slowly harming me mentally and physically when I'm particularly angry and there are no things to punch or bite but my own body or objects that I know will break my teeth.
To sum it all up, world is a fuck and living is pain.
calling attractive people "cool" and saying it's good they get everything…
…well that IS depressing. Hell is other people
>The city I was borne in.
>Targetting the hispanic community.
Good grief. Good fucking grief.
The only sub-reddit (Reddit, there's your problem, har, har) I browse/lurk anymore is r/collapse, which I've done almost since its inception, and I really hate whenever anyone there brings up the topic of poor mental health being common amongst larger & larger swaths of the population, or how friendlessness is apparently rampant in today's society. It's true of course, but usually, being Reddit, you also get a lot of comments from clueless normalfaggots claiming ownership or knowledge of these things (like long-term isolation, depression, loneliness, or anxiety, etc.) that, I'd wager, they don't have any respectable experience with any of them whatsoever, if at all. Seeing everyone chime in with their pitiful little anecdotes describing their supposedly similar "struggles" or, worse yet, their pathetically woeful armchair analyses of the situation on a societal level, brings out such a raging sense of disdain in me. Two petty examples of this below.
Example #1; >"I'm liek, super depressed too and struggle with stuff like that all the time! 9mm retirement when? lol!".
Fuck you, no you don't and I doubt it. Am I a sociopathic gatekeeper? Yeah, I guess I am, but, either way, I just can't take these flaming wretches seriously. It's like those fuckers in YouTube comments who claim to be shut-ins on all those hikikomori documentaries out there. Cretins raping, usurping & violating anything & everything just to feel special boils my blood. I shouldn't care and, truth be told, very often I actually don't, but, even so, I still have moments like now where it really sticks in my craw. The many middle aged, out of touch boomers present on r/collapse, ignorantly opining on the matter are also nauseating to behold as well.
Why do I get so hot & bothered about all this in particular? Well, mainly because I know I'm the genuine article, whereas they, in my estimation, are not. Is it all a solipsistic ego trip in the end? Yeah, probably. I know I put too much identity in my own woes &, if it weren't already patently obvious, am pretty much a complete narcissist, so it's really no wonder I often feel this way towards others, having nothing, but contempt, suspicion & a proverbial eye roll for other people's problems. Here's always been a bit of a different story for this sort of thing. I still feel waves of contempt to some extent, just not nearly as strongly or as frequently as I do elsewhere. That, in some sense, simply boils down to the amount of autistic freaks here whom I arbitrarily feel are similar to myself, along with the relaxed detachment & ambivalence towards anything & everything normalfags hold dear.
Example #2; >"If our society weren't such a neoliberal hellscape, none of this would be a problem at all!".
Maybe not to such an extent, but it would absolutely still be an issue to some degree. Even in their ideal hippie commune world, or socialist utopia, where everyone lives in perfectly sustainable agrarian villages, absent of ruling hierarchies & where mutually beneficial co-operation reigns supreme, there would still be quite a few outcasts & social rejects. Only to be ignored & swept under the rug, I'm sure.
What's more, these fucking idiots who worship & romanticize pre-industrial civilization or, even worse, hunter gatherer life, really get on my nerves the most. There's nothing compelling about the past, chock full of myriad horrors & pain as it is, and I'd be just as miserable back then as I am now, if not infinitely moreso. I'd honestly rather have the world burn to cinders than be plopped smack dab in the eternal nightmare factory of the natural world. The very same natural world that retarded an-prims ceaselessly worship & fawn over. In my eyes, better to live as an ostracized occupant of an utterly wasteful & destructive industrial civilization that fizzles out after a couple hundred years, but with the benefits of modern technology, than as some pre-industrial primitive who's just as ostracized & alone, but, by doing so, ensure the continuation of the race for thousands of years to come, only for it to inevitably die out in some other retarded way, making the effort ultimately fucking pointless. Not to mention, all the brutal, medieval style wars, epidemics, or famines that would undoubtedly occur in all that time. I mean, seriously, can you imagine how awful that would be and for what? Survival merely for survival's sake in a re-iterative circle of atrocities & anguish, with not even the myths of progress, or advancement of technology to look forward to? But hey, no dirty smoke stacks, or nuclear weapons or power plants, so "izz all good, amirite?". It's also been shown how early migrations of humans coincided with mega-fauna extinctions and that, even just before the industrial revolution, forests were pretty much being annihilated for wood fuel. Point being, that humans were already well on their way to wiping themselves out and that, given it was gonna happen at some point, you might as well live it up with modern technology, instead of dragging it all out needlessly. Ah, but the real answer, for an-prims, is only to live in small villages that meet Dunbar's number of 100-250 people, ignore impossibly hard coded shit like the MPP (maximum power principle), and to never have strongmen or brutes come in to inevitably destroy everything. It's all so silly I don't even know why I'm mentioning it. Personally, I delight in how many species go extinct per day, since this means less life that's going to propagate or go on needlessly suffering in the future. The world, and everything that spawned from it, is fundamentally evil and self-defeating, so its annihilation can only ever be a good thing.
Anyway, this was a very long, crude and poorly thought out rant, but I don't care. Pick it apart & insult me all you want. These types are scum and they all have my eternal contempt & scorn. As a result, I felt like shitting out a brain fart-tier post about it, so I did.
As an aside, I find it amusing how Christopher Knight has been shit talked there in the past as a worthless thieving bum and Dick Proenneke is seen as the gold standard for hermits. The virgin Knight versus the chad Proenneke, basically.
Why do you care about other people that are supposedly younger and better than you in a certain skill? They live a completely different life thany ou and are not relatable in any way. 99 % of humans live a shitty life with not much going on and with no special or useful talents. It's hurtful to think of yourself as a failed human being because you don't belong to the 1 %. And do you think these people are happy? No, many of them do drugs and live fucked up lifes because of all the stress and publicity. Comparing yourself to people you dont know will only make you feel bad. Also it is egomaniacal as fuck. Why do you think you must be something better? You are nothing special. And that's not a problem. In fact that is the most relieving thing to realize if you are capable of accepting this fact. That's how people go through the day as almost everyone is incapable of achieving something of unique worth and nobody likes assholes that think that they are something better than others. That's one of the rare things where I agree with normies.
I've been trying to word a proper reply, providing my own examples, experiences and thoughts on the matter (the first type you mentioned), but I can't.
All I can say is that I also stumble upon people/posts like these on sites like Twitter quite often, and it makes me seethe with anger. I can intuitively sense their bullshit, hypocrisy and exaggeration for the sake of receiving compassion, but I can never properly define or articulate what's cheesy about them in words. Having read this type of posts and seen the type of people making them countless times throughout my life I believe I've lost all trust I might have had for other people and their struggles, or, at the very least, I take their stories with a grain of salt and a perpetual contemptuous wince.
ERASE ME FROM THIS FUCKING WORLD OR BETTER BURN IT TO HELL AND THROW ME INTO THE FIERY PIT.
ALL LIFE IS DISGUSTING. NATURE IS DISGUSTING. SENTIENCE IS JUST A BURDEN. I WANT TO BREAK FREE. LET ME DIE ALREADY.
I hate this world and "rational" species how in the hell can you justify this garbage with orgasms just because two apes want their penis and vagina to twitch so much suffering for that!
I feel like shit because I don't work, not helping with house expenses. Even though I study I think I should do something more. This is probably because I am not sure about the course I do. The impression I have from family is that I should focus on studies, like they wouldn't allow me to work with the justification to help with house expenses, only of it were related to the area of study. Then I feel I couldn't drop university and only work "because it's hard for someone who don't have degree".
feel like time is moving faster than ever.
>>205007>Why do you care about other people that are supposedly younger and better than you in a certain skill?
I explained it in my post but whatever every time I come here to complain I realize the futility of it.
FFS, the closest thing I ever did as an act of aggression in my early 20s of a similar nature was DRAW *A* person post mortem.
After that I only did it if it contributed to a story's plot rather than because I ever wanted to reach those levels of radical misanthropy. One thing is to be stupid enough to prejudicate someone out of oblivious hypocrisy, the other thing is to go as far as have evidence that they WANT to murder a certain group of people by those same hypocrites.
I don't know what this life wants from me anymore. All I know is that it should get its shit together if it doesn't want this to keep on happening.
I'd be willing to exist as a spirit, shed my body, be free of all obligations and rewards that might come with completing them, I'd essentially want to be above the material world indefinitely, but remain bound to it as a spectator nonetheless.
Once I give this statement more thought, I realize I feel this way because I can't imagine myself outside this world, I can't imagine myself existing outside its boundaries, however slight. Furthermore, what if it's not my experience of living in this world that I hate, it's the world itself that I hate? After all, it's full of misery, even though it wouldn't be aimed at me should I become a ghost, I'd continue feeling disgust and pain for others as long as the world exists and I am able to perceive it.
To some extent it makes me glad metaphysics don't work and we are just a bunch of chemicals and neural pathways weaved together into one big mushy mass of jello, and once it ceases to function and dies, we disappear and our bodies begin to rot.
It's still a somewhat unsettling thought, that there will be no me, pure nothingness sounds more comforting than this, but maybe once I come to terms with this and make it a mantra of sorts I will be able to commit suicide. Seems counterproductive as I could try and delude myself into believing in some sort of promised heaven which awaits all who kill themselves, but on second thought it would've been even more difficult to do as I'd be hard pressed to find something in this material world that I value so much I'd be willing to commit suicide just to be able to indulge in it forever in the afterlife, which would be self-contradictory and self-defeating in its own right.
i was waiting for the train home yesterday and some guy passed out onto the train tracks. me and some other dude pulled him up back onto the platform. having saved a guy's life makes me feel less suicidal in the way that having a random thought about something gross while you're fapping makes you not wanna cum
if that's true, then you're a fucking idiot
why? i don't want to see someone get hit by a train. also, train accidents slow down service and it would taken me a lot longer to get home. are you just saying that to be edgy?
thats some dumb bait r ight th ere
no, the dumbest bait is low effort posting
I think, in my case, I just really, really dislike other people and, in many instances, will find any reason to do so, irregardless of how "small", "ignorant", or "petty", those reasons might be. At all times I can feel a subtle flame of hatred, smoldering within me. Almost always when lurking contemporary sites, I loathe most of the people I come across, and wish only the worst kinds of things for them. When these same people start going on about depression or mental illness, I can't help, but be filled with disgust & disdain. The unmitigated gall of their arrogant cluelessness in thinking they know even the slightest bit about such things, just gets my goat almost every single time I witness it. No matter how tragic or hardship laden they claim their life has been, or still is (according to them, of course), it always comes off as cloying & shallow. I'm a creature utterly devoid of empathy, seeing myself, and those like me, as the only ones who know true suffering, or have any authority to speak on the matter.
Again, it's pretty hard not to feel this way, in some sense, given how trendy & "cool" mental illness has become these days to most people. OCD, crippling depression, anxiety (etc.), it's all basically become a fashion statement for normalfags to dress themselves in & parade around with, in some sickening quest for attention, building & adorning their pathetic little monuments to themselves with whatever it is they can grab. It sickens me to the absolute core & I despise their wretched fakeness & their profound ignorance of what actual, lifelong alienation is like. Reducing pain & misery to a some shallow affectation, to be taken on & off like a ring or an earring. Damn them for their vanity. Damn them for violating & cheapening everything. Damn to the real hell they pretend to experience, or think, in willful ignorance, they're experiencing right now, when in actuality it's nothing compared to what most of us here go through. Either way, I'll never take 99% of these people seriously because, fundamentally, they'll never know the true agony of being fucked right from the start and never having a chance and having your own mind & genetics work against you at every turn, while suffering myriad forms of external suffering (bullying, poverty, abuse etc.)
But, you know, it's really all bullshit, to be honest. Like I said before, in my case, a lot of it comes down to the fact, that I simply don't like other people and will find any reason to hold them in contempt or condescension and I probably always will. I quite passionately hate myself after all, so, naturally, it's really no wonder why I would then passionately hate everyone else as well. I'm also, like I said before, a complete, textbook narcissist who can't really appreciate or truly understand anyone's pain, save for my own. In that sense, I've sort of always been passively contemptuous of anyone else's problems just as a default. As egotistical & solipsistic as it sounds, no one knows true pain & depression except for me and, in some ways, it's actually true, since I can only know for certain that I exist, therefore only my feelings are valid. I'll never understand or appreciate another person's problems, nor will they ever truly appreciate or understand mine. The only way you ever could is with a Vulcan mind meld, or something to that affect, where you exchange & feel for yourself the other person's thoughts & feelings & vice versa. Then again, maybe I'm just a giant autistic asshole who lacks basic empathy or understanding, which, as I've already pointed out, could certainly be the case as well.
When all's said & done, I'm sick to my knees of despising this rotten little world & all of its denizens, while, I myself, become ever more of an intolerably bitter piss ant, as I add to & experience the putrid rottenness, which I all despise so much. I just want it all to stop. I want to stop. I'm ugly on the inside & the outside. I'm weak of both mind, body & spirit. I reek of weakness & ugliness. People, like dogs, can smell it. Avoiding or devouring those who bear such weakness. Like chum thrown into a tank full of sharks. It's all so savage. History is so savage. A seemingly endless carnival of horrors. The weak are always crushed by the strong. No consolation or justice exists. Only brutality, cruelty & pitiless indifference. I don't want to look at it anymore. Turn it all off. Just please, turn it all off. The ugliness, the uselessness, the pain. I don't want to look at it anymore. I don't want to feel it anymore. Please, just stop. Please.
You phrased it better than I ever could. Thank you for your post.
Join efilism, baby.
Or, even better, determinism. Even though it's not a complete philosophy, but, rather, just an idea, it has helped me a lot. Like a panacea
Why hate each other if free will doesn't even exist?
Predetermined to reply
back when I was around 7 years old my parents got me a little kiddie video camera for christmas because I really liked taking photos of stuff and I'd wanted a video recorder for a while(I wanted to be a professional photographer), I was so excited so I started filming a bunch of random stuff, everyone is laughing and having fun but then after a couple minutes my dad comes in screaming and swearing about how I'm gonna break something and grabs the camera from me. I still have the camera and the only recording on it to this day is that occasion, sometimes I forget how aggressive and mean my parents would get but this video is evidence that my brain isn't just making things up like they say, I like to watch it when my parents claim they did nothing wrong to me, they like to say stuff like I was probably raped by someone and I just don't know it, they say they have no idea what could have possibly made me so passive and shy but definitely not their fault and whatever it was I should just stop being afraid of people and become normal, magically
I hope one day in not too many years I get a chance to die, I don't know what's wrong with me but it's not fixable, parents getting bitter shittalking me because they "can't have fun" all because of me "it's not fair" etc. like I got some good deal and I'm having the time of my life every day on their dime
I don't understand how you could breed and then tell your spawn that it's not fair that you have to take care of them once they're broken, if they wanted a short term cheap commitment maybe they should have gotten a dog instead
My moodswings are just out of control.
Yesterday was alright for the most part, in the second half of the day though I grew more and more active: I was reading and writing all of a sudden; I was making huge plans and imagining myself as a professional in the field that I'm interested in, taking interviews and whatnot; I picked up the dumbbells for the first time in days and worked out, had a good appetite, I generally felt hyper.
Then, an hour before bed, I felt anxious about my health, to the point where I felt I wasn't getting enough air and was breathing in with my mouth and breathing out with my nose until I felt dizzy from all the air. I had troubles falling asleep, and when I woke up I felt sluggish and extra irritable.
I wish I could get a "generally ok" mood flatline so I could at least be consistently productive.
>>205116>taking interviews and whatnot
Why can't I simply force myself to be like a cow, or some other tame and peaceful animal, and live a humble little life where emotional intensity, self-loathing, ambition etc don't play a part. I yearn for an acre of land where I can spend most of my days tending crops and doing manual work, harming nobody and desiring no more than food and shelter.
Those worries are not from nowhere
Of course not, I'm a bitter fucking asshole, I get angry whenever they propose something, but they've raised me this way. They shunned all my attempts at doing anything outside of my comfort zone as a kid, and in typical Catholic fashion, they're hypocrites that only remember their religion when it suits them.
We're all fucked in the head but I at least have the common courtesy to admit that.
>talk to my mom and tell her I feel bad and depressed a week ago
>she decides it's a good idea to take all my medication and hide it somewhere, and only give me stupid old antipsychotic pill every morning that makes me feel shitty and aggravated
>fast forward to now, having an anxiety attack, mostly due to this medication she decided to give me, can't find my klonopin
>feel even worse because I can't take the medication that my doctor prescribed me that actually helps me
I have no motivation to do anything.
For what it's worth, I've actually considered myself an efilist/hard determinist for many years now and I also subscribe strongly to Mainlander's "Philosphy of Redemption". In the end, these particular ideas, or philosophies, have really only buttressed what was already present within me from a very young age, focusing & enhancing a certain level of understanding about myself & the various ascetic-like thoughts/mannerisms I've harbored for so long now. Even as a child, I simply wanted to abstain from participating in the world to as large a degree as I could manage it, wishing only ever for that to the neglect of all else and itself is the reason why I've been a hermit for 10+ years now. Aside from oblivion in a dreamless nonexistence, the ultimate form of abstention, there's nothing else I desire. On that note, hopefully one day I'll be able to kill myself, but, needless to say, the odds certainly aren't in my, or much anyone else's, favor for that sort of thing.
>It (determinism) has helped me a lot. Like a panacea
Same here, to a certain extent. As one example, it made me realize how futile it is to blame my parents for unconsciously imposing & gambling with my existence, when they were as chained to their dangling marionette strings as I am. As you say, rationally speaking, there's literally no use, or sense, in needlessly hating anything about myself, or others. I am myself and I could only ever be myself, so how can I fault myself, or anyone else, for being anything, but what they were immutably pre-determined to be? Well, to cut to the chase, I can't really give a meaningful answer to that. In my heart, and in my base emotions, I still feel what it is that I feel. That being, subtle, or sometimes overt, hatred for myself & others. The distance between what one knows for a fact and what one feels in the moment can be as large & confounding as the universe itself. What's more, being neurotic, self-loathing & eternally contemptuous of others could, and is to a degree, a fixed point of who I am, whether I like it or not. I have as much chance to change or alter it, as I do over any other aspect of myself. All being within the confines of whatever I'm already determined to be capable of changing, which itself will forever remain shrouded in a fog of war, revealed only through pre-determined bursts of fumbling action.
Then again, I haven't read a single book in over 10 years and, in many respects, I'd consider myself rather stupid & unlearned. So, of course, what the hell would I know about anything? Not much, I guess. Either way, I'm just waiting to die. Don't really give a shit about much else, besides how uncomfortable the waiting itself actually is, has been, and will be until the end.>>205071
You're welcome. I'm glad my ramblings managed to have some meaning to someone beyond just myself.
>>205149> I haven't read a single book in over 10 years
There you go, bro.>>205144
I say you're beautiful.
Do you guys ever talk to people through voice chat?
I remember back when I was 20 (I'm 26 now) there was a group of people I befriended one summer that were 15-16 or so. I actually had a lot of fun talking to them and fucking around online. I met them on 4chan /a/. It wasn't really an established group, I actually just met one person, and then it lead to meeting another, and another randomly online. I can't remember the exact specifics to be honest, but no one in this group new each other in real life or anything like that. I also noticed I would get super jealous whenever they talked without me though. Anyway eventually summer ended and they started going back to school and I almost immediately dropped all communication with them.
It was one of the few times where I ever had "friends" and I think back to that time as nostalgic. I haven't used a microphone since really.
he (you) said nothing about anxiety
I'm just saying. For me caffeine only increases my anxiety from like room temperature level to a heatwave. Also doesn't really do anything for my wakefullness. It does keep me awake but less because I don't want to sleep but more because I can't sleep. Like if you were awake for 24 hours waiting to hear results if you have cancer or not. You are tired but too worried to sleep. And I find it hard to be motivated to do anything when anxious. I instead spend that time online to distract myself.
>>205159>spend that time online to distract myself
Exactly. And for me this shit makes it a 100times more interesting, movies, letsplays, whatever.
Well everyone is different I guess. I can't focus on movies or games under caffeine.
Ever tried watching 4 movies at once switching between them with a 5 minute interval?
That sounds beyond stupid.
What a curious story. I can't tell if it makes me sad or happy, it's got elements of both. Sort of bitter-sweet.
Love reading this stuff. You are very definitely right to say that you are a bona fide cynical onlooker type. Other people don't have that caustic property, that vitriol.
it happened again
Inspired by >>205006
I'll share my bullshit
Everyone is so fake and inauthentic and they pride themselves on their own stupidity and spinelessness the rats the mindless insects I wouldn't even hate them if they'd just fuck off and let me be a recluse in peace but in the surveillance state any monkey that doesn't fit in is a bad monkey feels like I'm even more under a microscope as if the bullying and ostracizing wasn't enough. The dumb animals wont ever be happy until the entirety of the human race looks like the Borg. United under the false gods of modern Jewish lies coming together to kill all the outcasts. "be yourself" while it's still legal… The world would be less of a terrible hideous grotesque abortion if people would just mind their own goddamn business. I hardly even speak or post anymore. My family support me and for that I'm grateful but the best thing we can all do is prepare ourselves for the inevitable. Get fit get strong learn how to steal. Fuck this prison planet>>205006
Thanks for your posts
I fucking hate everything and especially the fact that I have low iq. I have no motivation and want to kill everyone I interact with, I feel this way whenever I interact with anything - i feel disgusted and angry, little things like the way they pick something up or the way they phrase something or, in the case of animals, being to close to me. The whole world seems hostile and out to hurt me, even inanimate things. Just looking at a building, I can feel its animosity towards me as it leans over me. Roads especially seem angry and gross. I hate the smell of Home Depot, it makes me nauseous and scared. Everything feels hostile, I can't get over it. I don't know how normgroids can feel that the universe was created by an all loving God because the first thing I feel when I step outside is HATE. The universe wants to kill us but made-for-humans objects feel like they want to torture me, which is worse.
Fiction is so boring. Anime is so boring. After reading philosophy everything that's shallow becomes boring.
>>205182>The whole world seems hostile and out to hurt me, even inanimate things. Just looking at a building, I can feel its animosity towards me as it leans over me. Roads especially seem angry and gross. I hate the smell of Home Depot, it makes me nauseous and scared. Everything feels hostile
iktf, my parents call me crazy/delusional, think they're just dumb
Go see a doctor. He'll prescribe you some pills.
SSRI didn't work for me and he won't prescribe benzos.
Enh, I'm not sure it would tell me anything I don't already know. Feels kinda redundant, to be honest. I'd rather just finish reading something like Hyperion, or whatever other bits of random fiction that might catch my eye, but I never start or finish. I would also like to read Dostoevsky's "Notes From Underground" someday, but, deep down, like with any other book I could think of, I know I never will.
Besides, in some sense, Ligotti's collaborations with Current 93, along with his own self-released album, are pretty much that book in audio form already. Perfect for my autistic, short attention span, obsessive compulsive mind to digest & enjoy.
I am garbage. No matter how I look at it, I'm undeniably trash. Stupid, vain, cowardly, impulsive, selfish, dishonest, ignorant, and yet somehow egotistical at the same time. I cannot think of a person worse than myself. Anyone who has ever held any kind of positive opinion of me has been duped. I'm a fake.
My only hope is that one day the pain will grow to be so great that it'll negate the cowardice and I'll finally just kill myself. But even that seems like wishful thinking.
LMAO butthurt(sorry, this is obligatory)
Imagine having so many ideas and plans that get immediately scrapped or shelved indefinitely the moment you take your first steps towards actualizing the bloody thing. Something as simple as downloading and running the software I wanted to learn/use to create other things and seeing its complicated interface is enough to overwhelm me, make me close the program with a vague sense of anxiety and failure and never open it ever again.
God I fucking hate myself.
I fucking hate this kind of videos.
It invokes a feeling of ultimate futility for me. We are close to nothing in the vastness of the universe, and even less in the vastness of cosmic time.
Damn sorry to hear that brother.
Does it just make you shit uncontrollable or does it also make you bleed too and give you hemmhroids??
It's similar to a urinary tract infection where you have the urge to pee even though nothing is in there.
I normally shit twice a day but it still feels like I have a massive log in me.
I've actually had hemorrhoids since I was 12-13 (I usually see some blood when wiping, but it's the burning/itching that bothers me), UC didn't show it's ugly face til I was in my early 20s.
Its not fair.
I just want to be happy. Is that too much to ask for?
Your pain has been acknowledged. Thank you for contributing your pain.
Another day another family drama.
I am trash. I am a failure. Even the simplest things in life are too hard for me to grasp.
I think it's safe for me to assume that I'm not human and I was put on this Earth by mistake.
Gonna have to smoke a cigarette.
There is nothing to do here. You wake up and lay in bed. You should stay up but you won't. You start to think that you really should stay up but you won't. You then start to feel bad from laying in bed so at that point you actually want to stand up. Yet you notice that you still can't stand up. Something is stopping you which is just out of your rational grasp. You feel worse with each passing second, minute, hour. Finally the moment comes when the pain of not standing up becomes overwhelming. Thus you must stand up and that's what happens. You don't remember what it was that kept you in bed. For a short moment your world is far away and your mind is a blank. There is nothing to do against this so you wait it out. The feeling vanishes and you go to the bathroom. Sun beams light your way and the world comes near you again. You are thankful for this uplifting gesture of nature and turn on the shower. The water streams over your body. The water gives you a calming sensation and makes you forget whatever kept you in bed. After all there was something to do here.
I should be studying right now.
Can't say what I really want without breaking the rules.
With /hikki/ now gone (due to all the recent 8chan shenanigans), this place, for the time being at least, is literally all I have now. How terribly deflating to be faced with such a predicament and having nothing, but this tired, old, pustule covered hog of a website to come to. Damn it. If the BO from there happens to read this, I hope you can make an alternative somehow, although I'd imagine you'll just wait it out until a new host for 8chan has been acquired. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Either way, there really should be a back-up /hikki/ somewhere, whether that's on another chan or its own website. Hikkichan was entirely cancerous, but I have faith that the BO of /hikki/ could keep it solid, assuming he decided to make his own website like Hikkichan.
What's wrong with Wizchan?
I've never liked 8chan cause it's full of /pol/tards there in every single board.
I wish I had a quiet, modest role I could preform in my life. Such as being a lighthouse keeper, or manning a solitary firewatch outpost deep in the wilderness, or tending the grounds of a moderately sized graveyard, or even being part of a ye olden monastery copying texts, brewing beer & trimming the shrubbery.
I also similarly wish there was some sort of long-standing family business I could be a part of. A funeral home would be an excellent embodiment of this, I think. So long as I could simply sweep up or handle other such similar tasks while, perhaps, being groomed for more of hands-off managerial role. Hopefully being able to avoid the potentially ear-piercing wailing of any nearby comers and goers. Like the show "Six Feet Under" basically, but without any of the annoying melodrama. That'd be so very pleasant, I think, but I'm probably just over-romanticizing it. Lots of meet & greet, face to face communication, in a funeral home. Maybe I could just embalm the corpses in the basement, or look after the flower beds, or something. That'd work too.
Speaking of "Six Feet Under" though, I'm really sick of seeing that cliched archetypal person who has this sort of thing to enjoy (that being a quiet, easily ran, family business), but instead chooses to throw it all away so they can strike it out on their own and "live their own life". My eyes can literally only roll back so far here.
I hate the direction the internet as a whole is going. I remember when it was just a place for nerds to be, and everyone else mostly just used it for the news and Yahoo Messenger. I don't know if this is just nostalgia talking, but the internet seemed so much more appealing back then even with the crappy speeds.
>What's wrong with Wizchan?
This place has many negative qualities ranging from LARPers to aggressiveness, cruelty, and rampant stupidity. All of which have been worsening more & more for years now. If you seriously can't see or admit to that as a starting point, then I honestly don't know what else I can say. When all's said & done though, I just fundamentally feel more comfortable on a board for perpetual shut-ins like myself, instead of one catering to all sorts, so long as they have, or are nearing, wizard status. Aside from being on 8chan, /hikki/ was a very comfy place free from outside dwellers and wizards who, absent their "wizardry" (I question how many real wizards there actually are here, frankly), are just as normalfag as any other normalfag. Having said that, the BO of /hikki/ could be a bit of a tyrant in some respects, but that largely worked in the favor of the board, even though /pol/ scum and others still got in from time to time. /hikki/ was literally the only board I used on 8chan (aside from one of the star trek boards I'd pop into on occasion, where everyone shit talked the Federation & praised the Cardassians 24/7, which, indeed, felt very /pol/-ish & cringey), so I have no experiences or comments to share about the rest of the site. Be nice if Wizchan had a /hikki/ board, but, then again, perhaps not.
I get more miserable and angrier by the day when I reflect on what little I achieved in the past and what little is left for me looking forward. No job worth a damn, no money, no looks, no inheritance or NEET bucks to look forward to, no happiness. All I have left to look forward to is pain and death. If I wasn't such a coward, I would have ended it over 10 years ago.
Same. I can't say anything else. Same.
My illness is one that can't be cured, it can only fall asleep for some time but it always wakes up after a while, right now it's starting to open it's eyes and i'm losing the will to move forward.
You certainly aren't alone in that regard. I think about it every single passing day.
Same here, brother, I weep that my family is the way it is. My brother chose to be NEET yet doesn't even want to entertain the thought of finding ways for us to run something like a franchise shop or anything. I know I'll end up having to provide for him one day, it's a big crab bucket.
I was thinking of joining some sort of service like police force or whatever, but Europe is trash and its nowhere near as good as I hope it would be.
"Six Feet Under" was fucking degenerate, I regret watching that show.
Certainly not just you as I have those same memories from back in 2001 and around that time. The appeal has worn off though as government at the behest of normalfags have basically sucked dry all the good things to make the internet a "safe space" for normalfags who should be doing other things besides going on the internet. Mobile phone posting is also a huge factor in this problem. Social media has become the living cancer of our modern world
Check out the comment section of this article if you're looking for depression fuel. Firstly, the female writer says living at home in your 30s is understandable in today's economy, but still finds time to insult (Italian) men who don't be responsible and start their own families etc.https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/aug/08/young-people-parental-home-live-ons
I'm not advocating that everyone live with their parents all their lives, but what's the point having kids if you can't even raise them to be the type of people you can get along with if they're in trouble and need to move home for a while? It seems absolutely selfish to have kids only to enjoy their cute formative years and then treat them like unpleasant strangers. If they end up as adults who aren't the type of people you can bear being close to, then it's probably your fault to some degree.
It's always succubi who do this kind of thing. And it's funny when these kinds of people shame that sort of thing while only thinking of family because that's what family is. Too many people now are simply being parasitic and not trying at all to preserve legacy even though space is still dwindling and it's going to bite these people in the ass when they realize suddenly their own kids don't give a shit about them anymore
my parents are forcing me to see a therapist again, I don't know what to say to them, the reasons I think I'm depressed and anxious are because I think my brain is broken and then I could also rant that I'm annoyed with my parents because maybe they could've fixed me if they took their heads out their butt earlier and payed attention to how stupid I was, but now it's to late to fix my brain, I don't want to be a normalfag, just wish I could go outside and take care of myself>>205291>>205288>waah, some random nobody wrote an article and I don't like it!
back to 4chan, or wherever this garbage flies as good content, I don't even know anymore, why do you even care what "barbara ellen" has to say about anything, or any normalfag for that matter, who cares, they say stupid shit every day
Can you explain the word? I'm not american 4chan user.
Sorry, mods, I took too many drugs yesterday.
Anime has given me a reason to wake up every morning.
Can't enjoy anime anymore.
It's too shallow.
I really am not happy.
At least you live in a first world country. I don't.
Living in a shithole absolutely fucking sucks
I went out for dinner with my dad tonight.
I thought that vodka pasta being cooked meant that the alcohol all cooked off.
So did all of the staff at the restaurant, since I wasn't carded despite my state's laws requiring that regardless of appearance when being served/purchasing alcohol.
I felt like vomiting a little after eating it.
I hope my liver condition isn't getting aggravated. God dammit why did I have to be so fucking stupid.
I suppose I should have clarified that, although there were /pol/ like attitudes present in some posts on /hikki/ which I didn't personally care for, it was an extremely rare thing to see. In all cases it more just spoke to how deluded or foolish some hikkis could be and certainly wasn't a sign that they were outside dwellers. Which, if it were, the BO took care of almost immediately. To his credit, anyone, or anything, that even hinted at disparaging the hikki lifestyle, or not being a part of it, was removed extremely quickly. Like I said, if anything, he was a bit too overzealous at times. Also, if you think /pol/ doesn't have a, at most times, noticeable presence here, then you're clearly not paying attention. BO of /hikki/ did a far better job keeping that sort of shit out, than the mods here do, that's for sure. Also, in my time using it, I never once saw or experienced hostility of any kind on /hikki/, whereas here such behavior is a pestilent as a horde of horse flies covering a rotting carcass is. In that sense, it was a bit of a hugbox, but, personally, I find hug boxes to be quite comfy. Communing with long-standing hermits like myself is, at least to me, a more enriching affair, than speaking with, or lurking around, some random wizards, who, besides our voluntary celibacy, I have nothing in common with whatsoever. With /hikki/ now gone though, I suppose a place like here is better than nothing.
Only thing that really bothered me about /hikki/ was how often Satou & NHK were bandied about there and how the BO would often avatar fag as Satou, even though Satou is the worst excuse of a hikki I can think of. Satou is, at best, a socially awkward NEET. Yuichi, although being a bit of a cliche, is a much better example. A small annoyance, but an annoyance nonetheless.
Memory is the foundation in which every skill is built upon.
Without profound memory, you cannot master any skill. Sadly, I was not gifted with a very good memory, therefore I cannot master any skill. My life is pointless and meaningless and I am doomed to be an insignificant nobody.
There's not much of a difference when your a poorfag who has nothing to live for and bust ass 24/7 in a job just to survive and work more.
Well, sorry for your loss.
In the /lounge/ thread wiz said you can basically live in mental institution, and once someone here wrote how church communities in his town just give good food and stuff to anyone.
In third world even prisonlike psychwards don't keep you for free, and if you're on the street you're dead.
I'm gonna kill myself, when my parents leave the world or else I'm gonna try to give em some money and then kill myself.
Update on my previous post made here >>>/dep/203960
Well, it seems she wasn't bluffing. I literally just had to kick/bash down our own bathroom door to near splinters after she had already practically sliced one of her wrists open. I was in my room at the time watching porn with my headphones on and had no idea she was even doing it. If it hadn't been for my father randomly coming home, then she might have actually succeeded. It was only by his actions of screaming aghast at what was happening & banging on my door to get me involved, that I was even made aware of it. Anyway, we both got in there and cleaned her up, even though her blood's still everywhere in there. Apparently this scalpel she said she'd order actually did arrive, but it was too blunt, according to her, to do the job. As of now, father has taken her to the hospital, which, fortunately, she didn't protest to doing all that much.
I feel like I should be angry or sad or relieved right now, but actually I just feel nothing. Granted, I was still freaking out myself there for a bit (maximum anxiety & panic), thinking she already be half, or even fully, dead in there. I really hope she doesn't do it again, but this has really shaken my presumptions of what I thought she was capable of. I don't know what to do, besides helplessly await whatever comes. It's almost all too much to process, so my mind's just choosing not to. Either way, I'm going to bed. Maybe if I close my eyes tight enough I'll wake up somewhere better than here. Might as well also finish what I was in the middle of before all this started, because why the hell not? What difference does it all make in the end.
Also, for anyone who's curious as to the "Why?" in all this, I'll briefly explain. To put it simply, my father's been having affairs with other succubi for 6+ years, which my mother literally just discovered following my father's confession of it, nigh on about a month ago. Not only that, but my father had also given an ultimatum of leaving her permanently come October, which shook her up even more. Funny how, for over 30 years now, they've had one of the most unhappy & most unpleasant marriages you could think of, but the thought of my father finally taking the first step to leave sends my mother right up the wall. Even after everything he's done to her over the years, that could've been avoided had he just left sooner, she wants him to stay. Mostly because, on some level, she always thought she deserved to leave first more than he did, so this turn of events just isn't "fair", in her eyes. However, she's a near agoraphobic shut-in, like myself, so, naturally, her meeting new people never really happened. My father, on the other hand, apparently frequented a lot of dating websites like Tinder, OKCupid, even going to to such places like Ashley Madison as well. Much of his flings didn't last very long apparently and the most recent one for him, which also happened to be the longest, just "ended", although the jury's still out on that one. Anyway, methinks this stunt of hers may have been partially to get him to stay, since she's deathly afraid of being alone, which, in many ways, I can understand. She's old & worn out and not confident in herself to find another partner, especially at such late an hour as this. Although her and my father are completely awful together and always will be, it's all she has at the end of the day and she doesn't want to lose it. In that sense, the thought of my father leaving for good, really is enough for her to kill herself, I think. Maybe she'd just do it to get back to him out of pettiness, or genuine hopelessness & despair. I really don't know. Besides listening to her vent about this, I really don't know what it is I can do, besides bash down random doors when needed. It's a completely fucked situation that's about as clear to look through as a murky bottle of piss.
At the end of the day, (being much more of an autistic hermit, myself), there's a lot I depend on her for. I wish that had meant enough for her to have stopped what she was doing, but, evidently, I guess it wasn't. I'm her son after all and I'd rather not lose her to suicide because I'm too helpless to fend for myself and too weak to deal with real, hard hitting loss.
Ultimately, maybe this will be enough for my father to stay and for her to settle the hell down. I hope so, since it seems like the only thing that can.
>>205353>Either way, I'm going to bed.
You should've let the attention whore die.
does anyone take seroquel here? I was told by my doctor that it would make me sleepy, it kinda does but not really any more sleepy than taking a pill of benedryl, then I feel lots of brain fog in the morning and then agitated/slightly confused for most of the rest of the day
doctor prescribed it to me for my severe social anxiety, wanted to know if anyone here takes it and if it works, the side effects I've read seem kind of awful, weight gain and diabetes aren't things that I want
I take Prozac, it helps a lot. It doesn't make me happier in the slightest, just less anxious and it does give me a bit of a brainfog, which is not something bad actually. These pills are a lot less harmful than they seem to be.
>>205359>doctor prescribed it to me for my severe social anxiety
i didnt think it used for that i thought it was an antidepressant/antipyschotic used for bipolar depression and schizophrenia.
i was on it for almost a year, not sure how much it helped. didnt hit "rock bottom" or have any manic episodes but wasnt really happy either. and its going make you fat as fuck
yeah I've taken that and pretty much every ssri medication, they all just give me severe insomnia for a few weeks and then once I get used to them it's like they do nothing but rob me of expressing strong emotions, good or bad, just really bad experience overall, I didn't find that they helped with my anxiety only just stopped me from having panic attacks
>>205361>i didnt think it used for that i thought it was an antidepressant/antipyschotic used for bipolar depression and schizophrenia.
yeah I have no idea, I tried most ssri and ssnri already so now they're throwing antipsychotics at me, it's like they don't really know what any of these drugs do so they're just pitching and seeing what sticks
took the seroquel for the second time just a couple hours ago, not feeling tired at all this time around, just extremely uncomfortable/agitated
>>205364>i tried most ssri and ssnri already
same. hows your dick? i havent got a boner in years.
the one thing seroquel actually helped me with was sleep,not just falling asleep but also staying asleep. though if you really want to stop panic attacks and anxiety you need to get on benzos
I castrated myself so meds dont effect my dick really one way or another, also I have benzos and they help a bit but they're annoying because I constantly have to micromanage the amount of pills I'm taking since some situation require double dose and some situation just need half a dose, just want to be stable all the time
Should I give Wellbutrin a try? Despite it increasing the chance for Seizures?
worth a shot, I've tried it twice and both times the pill seemed to do nothing at all, no side effects, didn't feel any better that I could notice, even tried taking double dose for a bit and still it was like the pills were just sugar
Uff. I need something that gives me drive but also doesn't give me anxiety. Prozac and Lexapro just made me really tired and demotivated. Ritalin and Vyvanse give me anxiety.
have you tried some of the new adhd medicines like cotempla?
I've taken so much medication, nothing really will make you feel better, most likely your parents should have had you in therapy as a kid before you developed all your personality disorders and what not that are hindering you now, I'm assuming you're at least mid-twenties, it's too late in life to fix people like us with just a pill, one day suicide will become and option hopefully, I want to drop dead instantly from fentanyl poison
Reading about medication, how practically all of it is experimental and its side effects that come from meddling with your brain, an organ the inner workings of which we don't even understand well but that's so crucial to our functioning as both a sack of muscle and bone and personality associated with said sack of muscle and bone makes me extremely paranoid, anxious and depressed; it's been years since I first thought of going to a psychiatrist but never did, I know my mental problems won't get sorted out all by themselves, but I'd rather preserve the status quo than potentially fuck it all up even further, either for real or thanks to my immense health anxiety while also wasting my money and time.
It makes me anxious too but I don't know what else I can do but try meds. Therapy doesn't work because I have no energy or focus to maintain habits. Placebo or not some people say that meds help them a lot.
That doesn't make sense. Even the food we eat affects our brain. Moderation and regulation is the key.
One liner post, but it works on multiple levels. I assume so at least, since I've never read it.>>205355
But then what would I do, anon? She may very well be a shameless attention whore, but she's also a large part of what binds together & preserves my continued hermitage in this dusty old house. Without her, my father would, for starters, almost undoubtedly sell the house right out from under me. Leaving me either on the street, or living somewhere far, FAR less accommodating to my needs. His most recent fling was actually strongly urging him to do exactly this (selling the house) and to damn whatever the consequences would be for me & my mother. My mother might be a complete basket case, but, for various reasons, so long as she's still around, shit like that simply won't happen and, even if it did, I'm sure she'd figure out a way for the both of us to get by, just as she always has. In much the same sense, my mother has always been in my corner & gone to bat for me. In many ways, she's basically been my shield to the outside world. Keeping me safe & comfortable, often at the expense of herself.
Even outside of that, just knowing she's always around to listen when I need to talk with her about something, is a huge mental boost to me. She's the only one that cares, after all. Literally the only one. To anyone else (my brother, my father, my sparse living relatives), I barely register as a ghost. To a mere stranger, I'd be nothing less than a fly ridden hunk of manure, if that. Totally beneath contempt or consideration. Either that, or a pariah to be burned in effigy, with the ashes spat upon & cast to the just as uncaring winds. As much as I hate to admit it, I've got a lot to lose when it comes to this sort of thing and, at certain times, it really gets to me. The tsunami of panic & grief that'd hit me in the event of my mother's passing, could very well be the most agonizing thing I'll ever face in my life. Battery acid in the veins, mind & heart on fire with dread, a palatable aloneness the likes of which I can only catch brief imaginings or glimpses of, like some eldritch abomination crouching in the dark somewhere. It's the sort of thing I wish could be enough to kill me, but it probably won't be. I'll be the proverbial snail having just slithered across a straight razor and having the misfortune to survive it.
In a strange way, her suicide almost feels pre-determined and I'm just going through the motions to get there. I know it's probably gonna happen at some point, but it's like I'm stuck in a film, unable to break from the script. Playing out our immutable roles to whatever their grisly or horrifically awful conclusions might be, with an even worse aftermath. Like the split second before a car crash played out in super slow motion, you see your doom approaching because it's already happened, and is happening, and there's nothing you can do to change it. Just another unfortunate predicament of being alive, I guess. Oh well.
>>205378>One liner post, but it works on multiple levels. I assume so at least, since I've never read it.
It's only a joke of a character that (apparently) utilizes sleep as escapism. Doesn't have to be a paragraph.
Being sick and having to stand these fucks is the worst
The source of that picture?
Hey man i think you're image is cool. Its not all that bad, lighten up
What do you guys do when relatives come to visit? I hear people talking outside my room and I'm scared.
I leave the house.
sit in room and hope they don't realize I'm there
Listen in, recognize when they're gone, use that time to go to the toilet or whatever else you need to do outside your room, then hole up until they're gone.
Hmm, I see. Well, sleep is certainly one of the best forms of escapism there is, no doubt about it, and one that I avail myself of quite often. I guess I just hoped for more of a detailed reply from someone about my situation, but it's not like I can expect anyone else to care that much about my stupid bullshit. Especially since, even I, barely ever extend the same courtesy to others on this site, glossing over their own particular predicaments as I do, assuming I take the time to even do that, before then moving on without a care, let alone a reply. But, whatever. Once again, I'm going to sleep, since there's literally no reason for me to remain awake and, by contrast, being blissfully unconscious, while maybe lost in some pleasant dream or another, is a far, FAR better alternative to it. As far as I'm concerned, sleeping is a wonderfully productive activity.>>205399
>I feel extremely bad when someone mocks me, even when it's on an anonymous imageboard and the mockery is nothing but a slight banter.
Yes, I know what you mean, especially that last bit. Skin as thin as tissue paper, that's me alright. Even "innocent" (I'm too autistic to really tell if it ever even is that, frankly) banter, as you put it, always just comes off as glib, passive aggressive & mildly to moderately hurtful. With that said, you can only imagine how well I take actual insults, which, needless to say, I don't. In my case, despite how long my exposure to message boards totals to at this point, it's never gotten any easier and I'm just as hopelessly fragile as I ever was, if not somehow moreso. Coming to places like this, is like attempting to carefully maneuver around a long hallway of agitated rattlesnakes. Only a matter of time before one of the fuckers sinks its venomous fangs into you. Then again, in my case, one of these proverbial snakes simply brushing against my leg is enough to wound me. Anything greater just being that much more damaging.
I usually just stay in a corner seat browding the internet on my phone, until they leave. If my little cousins come, I play video games with them.
Either way, I impatiently wait until they leave.
It's raining rather hard. I rather like it (it sounds soothing), but I was hoping to go for a walk. >>205416
Holy fucking shit what is wrong with people on imageboards?
I was posting in a gaming thread and just made a small inoffensive mistake and I got called a retard. I deleted the post since it was pointless as I made an error and several people called me a retard for doing that and took screenshots of my post as if I was trying to hide something big and not a small misunderstanding of the mechanics of the video game.
I'm really bored and it's painful. There's nothing left that interests or amuses me. I don't know why I'm living.
I was just on a celebration hosted by my gigachad uncle, I knew nobody and I am totally the black sheep in the family, aunts and cousins offered to help look for wageslavery, that aunt is the same one that made my father actually take care of me, its beyond fucking over.
That's just how it is now. People cannot resist any behavior based on abusing others because the internet is just a modern rat utopia experiment, everyone's brain is so broken from the hyper-social environment they reach out and bite anyone they can. Don't take it personally. The townsquare internet culture is legitimately just a rotten and warped echo of actual human communication now.
Now I know the only thing I'm going to aim for is minimal social interaction.
I was doing fine for this week, and when I tried to talk with someone I study with, I felt extremely bad. Don't know how to describe it though, but it's not the first time it has happened.>>205418
If it was inoffensive, just let them use it as if it's something big, sometime in the future they'll realize that it was pointless and that they lost time and effort.
Tried to help my uncle do some gardening work. He took a day off so I built a wooden frame and put some wire over it to sift out the trash from the soil ( plastic, rocks, glass, metal, etc) - I think I did a pretty good job. Thought I'd helped get all this trash out the ground. He comes and looks, complains all day when I'm not there saying I did a terrible job, says I shouldn't ever do it again, keeps mentioning it saying there was good soil I was throwing away. Said it again on the phone once he left. I only had half a wheelbarrow full of stuff I was going to throw away and I'm sure 97% of it is trash, hardly any soil. I'm just going to dump it on the ground again and he can sort through it. Wasted my energy on a day I wasn't ill for nothing - I hate life. Blogpost over.
today I felt pretty good, I spent nearly all day in a shitpost storm all over the net, now I think I burnt out my dopamine receptors and I feel shitty. I don't know why this always happens after a day where I have lots of fun and feel better than usual, it's like my brain eventually becomes overloaded by neurotransmitters and then it has to recover, tomorrow I will probably be depressed or something, that's how it usually works>>205430
my dad was like that my entire life, it's pretty shitty, I just never do anything for him now because he will tell me I did it wrong and nitpick at little things, no clue why anyone would act like this, probably some form of mental illness and signifies bad genetics
The unavoidable colapse after the death of the parents is the final outcome of wizardry. I didn't use to think so much about that fate but at some certain point you can't ignore it anymore because it lays at the turn of the corner. At least in my case it will just be a slow and depressing decline, like dust dissolving in the wind, until fnally everything is gone. I can't even imagine how to keep living after that, being totally and utterly alone.
Your situation sounds terrible, if some day I woke up and found that my mother is dead, I would definetely go crazy. I can't do anything but wish you luck.
In my current life situation if my mom died it would be end of the line for me…I would follow her maybe hours after she's gone.
There's no point in living a horrible life full of suffering,life is already bad as it is,without my mom I would just hang myself automatically…like some kind of robot.
Here in Latin America is completely normal for someone to live with your parents until you're 28 or so…I'm 23 and not even one of my classmates has its own house department or whatever,they all live with their parents (but they all work).
After 30 it starts to become weird.
Here in Southeast Asia my and everybody else's parents are still living with their own parents. Three generations living in the same house is the norm and houses are often passed from generations to the next. Married wives go to live with their husbands. More than one paternal line living in the same house is weird though. Low purchasing power is a major reason but it's more about culture. Even rich people would invite their parents to live with them in their mansions. This benefits the parents by allowing the younger generations to take care of the older one instead of letting them rot in some foster home.
Yeah for me that is the case too, I can feel the slow decay of everything supporting me in the air. It's only a matter of time and the only thing I can do over the next handful of years given everything else that is stable stays there is save what money I can. I don't know what to do with myself when I become homeless or where I should go to get the easiest going homeless life in this country. Mostly where it'll be safe to sleep and give myself consistent shelter. Food and coffee (which I need cause I'm addicted unfortunately and I'm not strong enough to take the withdrawls which I imagine will only get worse with age) I'm not too worried about because I'm a creative and flexible person there. Hopefully I'll find a way to consistently make some hot food too. The only issue there would be when money runs dry and I can't meet my health needs. But when your homeless and the only bill your paying at most is a pay as you go cell phone with thousands of saved dollars than you csn probably stretch that really far, plus you can always make more in the short term. It's inevitable, I knew it was gonna end up like this even when I was very little. It's no surprise to me but I think about it too much.
every single mood-altering medication gives me insomnia, I was prescribed seroquel 100mg a few days ago which was supposedly not supposed to cause insomnia, doctor told my mom that I'd most likely be oversleeping and whatever. Pill one made me mildly sleepy, felt like I just took 25mg of benedryl or something, pill two I felt only slightly sleepy for 20 minutes or so, pill three didn't make me sleepy or tired at all, kept waking up throughout the night, in and out of horrible vivid nightmares
also basically like all antipsychotics, I feel extremely emotional, every little bump or inconvenience in the day makes me want to scream and cry, right now there's nothing going on but I feel like I could cry in a snap for no reason other than overreaction
I'm also upset, it seems like every single drug of it's certain class does exactly the same thing, I'm upset because none of it works and it makes me feel hopeless, last psych I was going to suggested that my insomnia from medication was placebo because I looked up side effects or read something online, what a hack
I did not expect them to do that but rather give the strength to start working on solving my problems.
Why are there so many crying Japanese people in the comments.
I require the lyrics and their translation.
the new meds I'm taking have made me worse I think, I feel like a complete mental retard like I can't even speak to my dad without sweating, one more day I'll take it then if I don't get better I'll have to stop
My second session with the therapist went OK as well. He is demonstrating that he understands what I'm explaining, especially in regard to my depressive moods where I lose touch with reality and my body. I don't feel as if he's just placating me or dismissing it as nonsense; he's making comments that make me believe he is understanding. I had to be resistant to him trying to focus on my history and my current living situation while I explained my current mental experience but maybe that is just natural conversation. I understand why it's necessary but I wanted to explain my mind first. It's very hard to explain things in conversation even though I have them in my head - especially when it comes to explaining how I've tried elements of different psychological techniques when he has a full functioning knowledge of it. I can see what they mean about establishing a rapport now because of how hard it is to establish you're discussing the same experiences, especially as someone who has barely talked to other people in the last decade. In the time following a session I find myself slowly mulling over how he explains his understanding and trying to place it in my own language.
I've spent the last 10+ years going through the techniques and books to little success so maybe I can demonstrate I have an understanding of exactly what isn't working, which may make my interaction with him less unpleasant. I was prepared for much worse going off other wizard's stories but this seems positive so I thought I'd share.
you sound like you have a goal or something though, when I go to therapists I have no idea what I want to talk about other than that I feel depressed and anxious, your energy seems to greatly surpass mine
Yeah I wouldn't have been stable enough to do it until 2 years ago. My goal is still just based in not committing suicide because of family. I can't say if therapy would have helped when I could barely think or move for 5 years. I am only able to make progress now because something worked that broke me out of that and gave me a good day every few weeks. I now have a reference point of a positive emotional state which I never had for many years, even if its a mild memory weeks after it happens I can be reminded it's there. Sorry wiz.
I yo-yo between feeling an intense amount of brotherhood and belonging with the Wizchan community to feeling extremely alienated.
After a long break my 1st reaction will be "why did I ever leave?" but a little longer and it'll be "why did I ever come back".
I guess I really do relate to the volcel hikki hermit lifestyle. I love the Wiz, hate the chan. A lot of wizards just look at this as another chan image board. But for me its a forum for talking about being volcel. I have nothing to do with the wider image board culture and mostly despise it.
Sometimes I feel like my very presence on Wizchan is a betrayal of my wizardry. In that I choose to spend my precious NEET time, getting frustrated with people I don't like, rather than rationally spending it on my chosen pursuits. Maybe the very need for a community is a weakness in me.
Anyway I'll probably try to take a long break again. I had like 2 good years with Wizchan, and the last 3 years I've been trying to withdraw.
Your post feels extremely uncanny to me, since I too, right down to almost every single word you've written, experience the very same struggles & frustrations with this place and share the exact same thoughts & sentiments, to the point it feels like it was ripped right out of my own mind. Anytime I've ever made a post lambasting or despairing the state of Wizchan, like here >>>/meta/48026
for instance, a post like yours is what has always hidden beneath it all. And I must say, it really does strike to the heart of the matter in such a way that I've never been able to express myself.
As a lifelong volcel/efilist/depressive, in addition to being a hikikomori for the past 12 years, I also often feel alienated & uncomfortable here, and, very rarely, does this site ever feel otherwise. Aside from Wizchan & the now defunct outlets of Hikkichan & 8chan's /hikki/ board, I have no history or love of imageboards and, in the end, like yourself, almost entirely despise them. More often than not when I'm lurking Wizchan, it just wears me out to an exceedingly large degree. An overwhelming trifecta of disgust, anger & fatigue. In my case, I also lack the energy & interest to post or engage, so coming here to lurk or write my thoughts often feels impossible & pointless. Even if this community was utterly immaculate, I'd still probably feel displaced & out of touch simply because of how little I'm able to say or do and, that deep down, I'd rather do nothing. Which then of course clashes with my paradoxical & self-defeating need to come here & vent & be disgusted or worn out & the self-defeating cycle goes on & on.
Anyway, I don't have anything else to say, since you've already said it all and I'm simply rambling incoherently. My simply saying "this", or "based", would've accomplished the same thing, I suppose. I'd say the only difference between us when it comes to this sort of thing, is how many good years, or lack thereof, we've had with Wizchan. In my case, it would essentially amount to nothing more than 6 months, if that. The rest & majority of my time spent here has simply been an entirely empty vacuum, broken by phases of intense disgust/anger & brief moments of catharsis in random threads or posts.
Happy fourth week
That big one looks amazing but i image it just destroys human eyes.
People look at this picture and imagine all the fun they could have with all the games while the only thing I can think about is the heavy duty dusting I would have to do every day to keep the room somewhat decent.
Same. If I ever designed a place of my own, I would want it to be as easy to maintain as possible.
The room looks like an absolute trash heap.
yeah. I to fulfilled few of my own dreams like that but I feel even worse after that.
guess you need to be normie to enjoy things these days.
ever since I was a teen and I found a giant cockroach hiding in my room I've kept a completely uncluttered space, ideally if I ever get my own place I'd like it to be as sparse as possible, that means a simple desk, pc, and some tables and chairs which can easily be cleaned and have no garbage collecting space
After remembering a bit about spongebob, I went down a rabbit whole of lost memories. I went through lists of every TV channel I remember watching during the 90s and 2000s, and wrote down every series I watched. Came close to a hundred, mostly cartoons. A hundred series that I watched to completion, for many I now remember watching reruns over and over and over again.
I think I spent most of my waking non-school childhood watching tv and I wasn't even aware of it.
And after watching a few of the ones I remember the most, I see mannerisms I've gotten from them, a lot of my personality, things I've seen in dreams. It's revolting.
I was molded by degenerate writers in studios from a culture that isn't mine or even understand at all. And it has affected me in ways I can't comprehend right now.
At least I'm aware of it now.
day 4 of seroquel, I have bad insomnia now, also I feel depressed but it's because like a veil was lifted off my brain and all of a sudden I see how sad my life is and it makes me feel bad, I feel like I have motivation to not just sit around all day doing nothing now, also I thought this medicine would make me super hungry but I keep getting sick after only eating small amounts of food, I had a sandwich for lunch and I could've just eaten 1/3 of it, I ate the whole thing and I feel very sick like I want to throw up even though it really wasn't a lot it was just a normal homemade sandwich on some wheat bread.
I feel motivation, to do what I don't know, but I'm choosing to use it on video games right now, then in a few months I'll have my mom sign me up for online college classes.
can't believe that it's almost 2020
time flies so fucking fast
as I age I started to realize i'm not ever going to be a proper wizard - i'm just a failed normie. I use the term wizard as a cope for my inability to make connections with people. I tell myself, "I'm not a loser, I'm actually better than everyone else!" I wish I could be a true wizard or a true normal. A true wizard doesn't crave any connections. But I'm nothing, I can't do anything right. I'm just a loser, and I care too much about what people think of me because deep down I'm a low IQ normie without the social skill.
I feel like an alien that's stuck on this planet. There's hardly any ties to this world. I just exist for its own sake, bored, anxious, and irritable. I want to wash my hands of all humanity. I am considering doing psychedelics to feel alive once more and be transported to a different place.
Alcohol and fleeting entertainment does not cut it anymore.
It's human to crave connection. Everyone here is here because they crave the type of connection, entertainment or otherwise interaction which only contact others whom you are in mental sympathy with can provide.
For the record, a "wizard" is nothing more than a failed normie who has given up.
I think you're right
I used to hate everyone ever since I was a kid, but as I got older I realized that it's because I live in a small town full of retards
Once I got an internet connection at home (around 2006), I got addicted, nowadays I can't live without internet anymore
We make fun of normgroids for using facebook and instagram, but how many of us could live without imageboards?
Make a mistake while driving. My brain hurts all day despite rationalizing away any reason to. Fudge!
I refuse to believe that I am human. You know how there are different species of birds that look extremely alike but there's only subtle differences like their beak is slightly smaller or their feathers are a slightly darker shade of blue and it has a few different behaviors? That's how I feel, I look similar to a human but my behavior is so different from everyone else that I am actually another species.
My life is just the same failures repeating itself over and over again like it's some fucking randomly generated video game emulating the same premise with slight differences over and over again until the circuits burn out. That's what my life is. A fucking psychological anguish simulator.
It does feel like there's a superficial resemblance between I and everyone else. It goes deeper than feeling as a social outcast - the incompatibilities are everywhere and I am left wondering why the fuck I am even a person.
Anyone else have reoccurring bad or painful memories? No matter how much I isolate myself from my family or people in general, nor no matter how much I try to escape through media such as video games and anime, I always have these reoccurring terrible bad memories from the last that seemingly explicitly come out of no where.
For some info: I was a mildly autistic, depressive, timid child growing up who had a terrible case of severe anxiety. What is most prominent in my memory is an extremely dysfunctional and mentally abusive family and a very small amount of friendships that would never last too long due to my social akwardness. You get the point.
Now, as an example of what I'm trying to illustrate here, I'll give some experiences.
1. One day a scene in an anime shows people fighting. My mind suddenly remembers the painful memory of my mother assaulting me for the first time and lying to others saying I was the one who attacked her. (Mind you my mother is known to be very violent and a liar and has frequently been in trouble with the law.) It hurt a lot because I couldn't believe at the time how my own mother could attack me and the fact that my simp(whiteknight) of a father actually believed I was the one who attacked her. Mind you, this is the succubus who cheated on him a couple of times and caused him to lose multiple jobs due to them fighting at the workplace. Ultra cuck.
2. Video game character banging on the wall. Mind short circuits and recalls time during highschool where I had a panic attack due to being extremely stressed out. I began banging on something and aunt comes down, screaming at me, telling me that I am a depressed bastard and that she could understand why know body wants to be around me. (Coming from a succubus who went to court for stabbing someone multiple times after pouring chemicals on them, and has a track record for knowingly being psychotic) Told me I should be sent back to the psychward.
3.Anime succubus crying outside by herself, someone notices her and trys to console her. Reminds me of another time I had a mental breakdown on a Sunday. Went outside and sat on the bench crying and panicking. About 20+ people passed by me, "religious and caring" too. Not one of them asked me how I felt, or consoled me in anyway. I was dressed all nice and tidy too, so definently didn't look like a creep, especially since I was a kid at the time.
All these things happened when I was a child/teen and they never go away, even years later. Life truly does shape us, as I have zero complete trust in anyone and have very little empathy for living things. All I wish know is for these terrible memories to cease so I could enjoy playing video games and watching anime again.
I suppose your mind is presenting you with these images because you have unresolved baggage related to them which you are trying to ignore.
Take some time really to think it through; you need to consciously and thoroughly chew this mental "food" because the chunks are too large for your subconscious "enzymes" to "digest".
I sometimes get this when I am reading or watching something; sometimes relating to a feeling of shame or anger relating to a memory, sometimes to a present concern. I just stop what I am doing and direct all my mental energy to logically addressing and dismantling the concern or sentiment relevant to it's practical importance.
The most probable answer or reason for this "baggage" is most likely the constant feelings of invalidation and lack of control in my child life. Nobody in my family would listen to my opinions and easily disregarded my sentiments. I was frequently criticized and yelled at, and felt as if I were trapped. During all this I rarely stood up for my self because I was shut down numerous times in screaming battles, and most moments of rebellion led to failure. (threats to send to psych ward, cops coming after me.) I had to do what I was told to or else I was threatened or embarrassed. This lead to the frequent panic attacks.
I know this isn't a board that is found of advice or things synonymous with counseling, but I am curious as to how your are able to dismantle these unwanted thoughts. It is almost impossible for me.
Why is it so unbearable to be the black sheep of your family especially when you have lots of siblings? I can't stand this anymore. I don't have any common interests with them and their lifes are fundamentally different from mine. They cannot understand what I went through in the past at all and why I have become the person I am today. Now I'm that weird family member occupying space in the house. This is so tiring. I wish they would all be gone for good going on with their own lifes.
I wish I had a sibling. It would take the pressure off me making my parents proud.
>>205604> I am curious as to how your are able to dismantle these unwanted thoughts. It is almost impossible for me.
I never dealt with anything as extreme as panic attacks, but when I am in my clearest of mind I take to viewing my subconsciousness as a seperate entity whose job is to present my conscious mind with alerts, reminders, impressions and ideas which I can and should act upon; I assume there is a reason I am being given these thoughts. If the thought I am presented is not apparently important or bothersome to me then I will "tell" my sunconsciousness to "take it back down" and that "I don't need this right now"; if the thought continues to nag me then there must be deep, strong feeling about the concept which need to be addressed, at which point I will close the book I'm reading/stop my meditation/etc. and take the idea under my direct logical attention: "What do I feel about this and why?"; "What can be done about it?"; "Is it relevant?"; "will this thought continue to be a problem?"; "Can I resolve the issues regarding this memory/thought right now? In the futurre? Ever?"; "Can the resolution be done mentally, or does physical action need to occur?". I am essentially challenging my subconscious insistence on presenting my with ideas and impressions that I don't feel are relevant, and challenging the relevance of the deep feelings attached to thse thoughts which cause this in the first place. By detaching myself from the memory or impression emotionally and taking it only for it's logical reality and relevance, I dissolve and invalidate, to some extent, the emotional torrents which may be associated with it.
If I find that I can and should do something about the thought, I will maybe note something down or modify something among my belongings. I may need to simply accept something that I had been denying and making excuses for. If there is nothing to be done at the moment, I have thoroughly proven that and can send the impression back, and my subconscious mind will know it has been dealt with and not to send it back up.
Now "manlet" is a mainstream word.
It's difficult to see humans as anything other than the loathsome beasts they choose to be.
Or they'd have another measuring stick to dismiss you by.
Woke up from a loud noise that I can describe as a loud, bass-boosted kind of loud, short syllable from a random word said by my inner voice; the intensity and volume of it was so strong I felt like something imploded inside my skull and inside my brain, followed by the usual dizziness and light headedness one feels after a startle.
This was weird.
That's less of an issue to me. Luckily I have forbearing parents that while not loving me unconditionally they don't have very high expectations. As long as I live clean and tidy and have a somewhat normal daily routine it's enough for them that they don't ask me to get a job. If it wasn't for my siblings with their approach to life with friends, travel, activities, work, chadlike behaviour etc. with whom I have to deal with daily this would be a pleasant place to live. Probably this does not represent the average wizfam situation.
Need to try doing this, seems like a somewhat effective way to remove the unwanted things. Thanks for the information.
I do similar things to you and I find a useful idea is thinking about how we are in a different environment, although one might argue that it's incorrect. For example if I do something that results in another human being shouting at me or feeling my mistake impacted them I remind myself my brain keeps bringing this thought up because it evolved in an environment where we didn't have random strangers appear and disappear in our day. We had a stable social group with long term relationships so the subconscious brain would repeatedly bring up thoughts of social interaction or pain to change behaviour. Similarly if I make a mistake I remind myself that this environment is so varied and different the simple negative jolt from my brain cannot effectively train me in a simple reward/punishment sense because I am moving through so many contexts throughout my day; especially compared to a simpler evolutionary environment. It is part of creating a rationale why the brain would keep forcing these thoughts, emotions, and imagery in to your awareness. I combine it with the techniques you discuss - I found a large part of my problem were also fucked up assumptions around suffering and I have to remind myself I am not responsible for suffering existing, if I've done something to cause it. Just thought I'd share
I can't stop crying
I think this is it. I can't force myself to do this useless bullshit anymore. Tonight will have finally been the last time. It sucks, in a purely vain sense, to throw away what little physical definition I've been able to acquire for myself, but, then again, compared to most, it's really not much to speak of. I've pretty much maxed out on what I can do as a hikikomori and I'd need to start going to a gym, or otherwise start devoting every waking moment to fitness, to see anything more. And what would be the use in that for a shut-in like me, anyway? No use. No use at all. But, who knows? Maybe I'll come back round to doing it again someday. Either way, it really doesn't matter.
Nothing fucking works anymore. Films - nothing, books - nothing, exercise - nothing, mindless Internet browsing - nothing, video games - nothing, all of it is dull again all of a sudden. Why must life torture me so?
The final result of over-indulging on escapism I suppose.
Everything irritates me, everything. Despite living a near-hermitic lifestyle and thus limiting my exposure to many things that are considered annoying I'm still managing to find fault in what little amount of things I'm left with. The current state of the Internet and where it's headed; the cashgrab sentiment that permeates everything these days; shitheads in an online match or elsewhere even if their provocative/stupid behaviour has nothing to do with me and I'm just a bystander who happens to witness them making asses of themselves; my own general ineptitude; my lack of desire and enthusiasm about anything, even my hatred for things I hate comes off as half-assed as I can never be truly swept away by any strong emotion, it's just one big flatline with an occasional lukewarm rage burp.
It seems that there's no salvation, by closing your door on stronger irritants you lower your irritation threshold inadvertently, and now the things you thought could not piss you off make you seethe with anger. Great.
Hey don't feel so bad about the holes in the wall thing.
My childhood best friend grew up to be an ultra mega turbo Chad and he was so crazy he punched holes into his own bedroom wall all the time as a child.
I think he also owned a BB gun as well his grandma/grandpa who were his caretakers (since his actual parents were irresponsible derelicts) bought him a Rambo type bowie knife for one of his birthdays if I recall correctly.
>Looking for an alternative to 8chan's /hikki/ board>Check out Uboachan's /hikki/ board, after finally remembering it exists>Filled to the fucking brim with succubi & early 20 something NEETs who still go outside on a semi-regular basis>Barely any real hikikomori to be found at all>Anyone who tries to enforce some semblance of the word is shouted down & mocked as an elitist>On top of all this, it's even more of a graveyard than 8chan's /hikki/ board was, which is quite a feat
I really wish Satou-stylized NEETs would just fuck off already. For the umpteenth time, Satou is not, and never was, a hikikomori. Only in brief moments/panels/scenes did he ever even come close to resembling an actual hikikomori. Anyone who claims to be a hikikomori based off of Satou's more predominant & common mannerisms, is not, and never will be, a hikikomori. The cumulative them who fit that category are NEETs, plain & simple. Therefore having no business on an ostensibly hikikomori centric board. Even here, you can find posts pointing this sort of thing out, (like here >>>/jp/28787
), so the fact that it's pretty much poo pooed or ignored into oblivion where it needs to be heard the most, is really depressing & annoying. It's as if Wizchan suddenly allowed girlfriend or relationship talk, even though it would fundamentally assault the very foundations of what the word & concept of wizardry is supposed to stand for, while then attacking anyone for pointing that out, or resisting it.
BO of 8chan's /hikki/ board was also insufferable for this sort of thing as well. Always pointing to the official Japanese definition whenever it was brought up, which itself, to its own discredit, mostly encompasses those whom, regardless of age, are essentially no different than Satou. Those who take nightly or even daily walks, go to the convenience store/grocery store on a regular basis, and even meet up old friends, (literally in the flesh, mind you) once or twice a year. According to Dr. Alan Teohas (a researcher of this phenomena), a large majority of individuals who are considered hikikomori in Japan, are still thought to go out, on average, about 12-13 times a month for about 3 hours at a time. If sorts like that are still considered hikikomori than the official Japanese definition is retarded, worthless & watered down. But no, apparently I'm just some gatekeeping, elitist asshole for pointing that out, or even simply being of that opinion.
It's times like these where I truly feel like I'm the only hikikomori in the proverbial room here. At the same time however, I realize that I am in fact being a complete, anal retentive asshole. Attempting to match everyone up to my own particular criteria of isolation is the height of foolishness. I mean, hell, in a lot of ways, I'm basically "truwizzing" hikikomori here. I get that, but I'm just so sick of all the god damned NEETs masquerading as hikikomori, which leads to me simply feeling frustrated & alone. That's really all it comes down to in the end.
For the record, and in keeping with the NHK comparisons, I'd consider myself a moderate Yuuichi-like individual. Outside of me not pissing in bottles like he did, along with the fact that I walk around the house to get what I need, while also sometimes having laid-back conversations with my mother on occasion, I've been living Yuuichi's situation for a little over the past 12 years now, except for the additional fact that I have no online friends and outside of imageboards & my parents, I have zero interaction with others. Very, very rarely have I seen or read accounts from anyone who resemble actual hermits like Yuuichi. I suppose that probably explains why a board for hikikomori has never really existed. There's just not enough of us and so confused NEETs often fill in the gap. It just sucks is all and is disheartening/disappointing to witness time & time again.
Anyway, this was all essentially a bloated pile of incoherent vomit I desperately needed to expel, so please just try to keep that in mind, before insulting me. I'm alone, I'm autistic and I'm an asshole, OK? Trust me, I know already. Just leave a long secluded & half-retarded wiz to his inane ramblings in peace.
I think it's time I about left the Harry Potter fandom. I never contributed much to it (past a comic where Snape gives Harry detention because he thought one rock band was better than another a decade ago) and if it REALLY put me through that level of unworthwhile turmoil in 2016 (which I only now noticed) then why would it be worth it?
So I'm sorry, Ms. Rowling, but if only YOUR magic worked the kind of miracles I've been desperate for since the aformentioned turmoil year.
But at least I lasted in it longer than the Captain Underpants/Ga'hoole fandom, so farewell.
Oh and I've been sober from coffee for over a week…take that, drugs?
>>205687>Uboachan's /hikki/ board
It's bound to be shit because it's labeled 'NEET and Advice', welcoming normalfags in to spout their shitty platitudes and just world fallacies. I browsed a little over the years and it's always been full of sanctimonious jackasses talking down to actual hikkis and telling them what a burden they are to society while giving shit advice like 'just go outside and talk to strangers bro'. There were even several tripfags there in the past who basically thought they better than everyone else because they got jobs and therefore knew the ultimate solution to the problems of everyone there. Fucking insufferable faggots.
>Anyone who claims to be a hikikomori based off of Satou's more predominant & common mannerisms, is not, and never will be, a hikikomori.
Media representations of 'actual' hikkikomori - outside of news pieces, I mean - are extremely rare because it's difficult to build a decent story around them. So it's natural that people would cling to Satou as a kind of hikki mascot, because he's probably the closest a main character comes in anime to being hikkikomori.
Even on 2ch though quite a few people on the hikki board post about going outside to convenience stores at night. And they also have threads for people who are doing newspaper delivery as a part time job, in order to overcome their anxiety.
To be fair I always admire posts like these. Actual hikikomoris always seem to have such a genuine way of communicating their thoughts.
OT wizchan is not necessarily the best place for people like you neither. There have been some decent hikikomori/ NEET threads in the past but with the current level of politics and outsider aggression I see trouble. There would have to be a separate hikki board which probably would be super slow though.
A hikki board with additional rules could be kind of nice. Might attract more people from other places.
For real. Everything is too norman-based now. The value systems, the way of thinking, the arguments, all very inside the norman box.
hate stupid normalfags that shit on you because you have a mental illness, I still let words ruin my day though, real life or on the internet doesn't matter they feel they can just shit on you, I hate myself
"Every form of fecundity is loathsome, and no one who is honest with himself feels bound to provide for the continuity of the human race. And what we do not realise to be a duty, is not a duty. On the contrary, it is immoral to procreate a human being for any secondary reason, to bring a being into the limitations of humanity, the conditions made for him by his parentage; the fundamental question why the possible freedom and spontaneity of a human being is limited is that he was begotten in such a limited fashion. That the human race should persist is of no interest whatsoever to reason; he who would perpetuate humanity would perpetuate the problem and the guilt; the only problem and the only guilt." - Otto Weininger
For the first time in prolly over a year I had a can of Arizona (the non-tea watermelon flavor).
I made an "oath" to myself not to drink one again because it reminded me of a character from a story I wrote with a shoddy history (who was like a mixture of The Dude Lebowski and Q from the 007 films) but then I remembered I killed the character off, so meh.
I didn't touch on any of this in my previous post, but everything you've mentioned is absolutely true and serves as a much larger & more damning indictment of what a putrid cesspit that place is. Even a cursory glance at most of the threads there is enough to make me want to pour an entire bottle of bleach over my eyes in sheer, overwhelming disgust. In my case, I only visited the site once a couple years ago and then quickly forgot about it. Needless to say, but I really wish it had stayed that way. Nothing, but a cancerous polyp, cut from the same diseased flesh as r9k & the once alive, and equally cancerous, hikkichan. Wizchan itself might be pretty lackluster, with the entirety of /lounge/ being one of the biggest eyesores, but it's nothing compared to the likes of other message boards like Uboachan. Gives one some perspective, at the very least, as to how much worse one pile of shit can stink from another.
>It's bound to be shit because it's labeled 'NEET and Advice'
Yep. Even the previous board before that was simply named /n/ for NEETs. Why they have it displayed as "/hikki/" now, I have no idea. Either way, as you just pointed out yourself, what else can one expect from a place with a header like that, other than a complete purgatory of hostile shitposters & lolcow sadists. A shame that a board named after Yume Nikki would be such a blight to the senses, but I'd imagine that's been a known fact to most out there for a long time now. I'm really out of the loop when it comes to these sorts of things.
>Even on 2ch though quite a few people on the hikki board post about going outside to convenience stores at night. And they also have threads for people who are doing newspaper delivery as a part time job, in order to overcome their anxiety.
Yes, well, good for them, I guess. When all's said & done, there are simply extreme outliers in everything whom, by mere virtue of them being an outlier, will always feel separate from the majority. Even if, in this case, that aforementioned majority are a bunch of introverted shut-ins suffering from various levels of isolation. In the end, I honestly don't know what I'm looking for. What would be best now, is for me to just lie down. Lie down & dream about my own world, but, more importantly, my own eventual release from all the insufferably neurotic & tired old pieces that make up who I am. I'm "alone", so much as an occasional purveyor of message boards with two living parents can be alone, I suppose, but still. A part of me will always rue, regret & struggle against this pseduo-aloneness of mine, but, deep down, I know that it's better this way and that other people, or communities, are rotten & of no value, regardless of similar, or dissimilar they are to myself. Perhaps what I regret most of all is that I'm a human. A weak, needy human, with a legion of emotions & sensations that run contrary to who I know myself to be. Having to constantly put such pesky sensations in their place can be quite tiring and is a large part of the reason why I just want to die, so I can finally be free from all of it. Because, at the end of the day, there's no escaping being human, unless you were born a psychopath or had a NDE like UG Krishnamurti, leaving your egoistic sense of humanity obliterated in the process.
By the way, 2ch's a Japanese speaking only board, right? I'm pretty sure it is, but I just wanted to ask, anyway. >>205699
>There have been some decent hikikomori/ NEET threads in the past but with the current level of politics and outsider aggression I see trouble.
Yes, I know. I've been a part of many of them, as a matter of fact, but I also agree with you about those concerns you mentioned. Wizchan can be an extremely caustic place itself most times, so I often don't bother posting out of fear & lack of energy. And as you said, even if Wizchan did have a /hikki/ board, it would be deader than a door nail and mostly useless. Worst case scenario, it serve as nothing more than just another playground for LARPer's to get their cheap amusements out of. Either way, it's nice to know I wasn't insulted or belittled for expressing these sorts of things, so it's an appreciated & welcome surprise, compared to what this site more often than not dishes out, especially these days.
I think my dad ruined my life, when I was a young boy he would constantly call me a succubus, and a sissy, ask me if I wanted to be a succubus, tell me that he was gonna get dresses for me to wear and stuff; all of this because I didn't want to do a sport or in times when I was too weak to pick something up or also in times when I was too shy. I think this messed with my little 5-6 year old mind, I just wanted to do what a little boy does but my dad implanted all these thoughts in my head and left me laying in bed at night wishing I was a succubus so then I'd stop being bullied by him. I don't understand why if you are a full grown adult you would think it's a good idea to constantly tell a 6 year old or 7 year old or any year old little boy that he is a succubus or he should be a succubus over and over again, I think my dad is very stupid and also my mom doesn't escape blame because she was standing there right beside him every time. I think it just goes to show that you should be forced to take child care classes or something before even becoming or getting someone else pregnant because most people are just idiots that shouldn't have children.
Reading your story enrages me and makes me want to hate your father until I realize he is probably just low IQ like most people in this society are and had no concept of child psychology whatsoever.
In truth he was probably in his own sick and twisted way trying to help you and thinking he was helping you via that old retarded idea that "if I just mock my kid long enough, he'll eventually get mad and change his undesireable behavior" but all it most likely did was make you withdraw farther into a psychological shell to avoid more psychological pain from his abusive language running down treatment of you.
Sitting here with fucked up depression tourettes shouting out about killing myself and pleading for forgiveness. Today I am having a mental break.
This happens to me as well from time to time, though I don't have Tourette's.
My parents are gonna kick me out because I don't want to go to college
I don't know what to do. So confused rn. One thing for sure. I'd rather die from starvation than go to college
Tell them that you're going to kill yourself if they kick you out.
Either you will scare them enough to let you be NEET forever or they won't give a fuck and say "go on",and you will be finally able to commit suicide without caring about your shitty parents.
>have been lying in bed all day every day for the past two years or so (much longer if you discount the brief periods of activity in my life)
>my parents response to this is to print out job listings for me and tell me to get a job
jesus fucking christ. If you think that's helping just go fuck yourself. Your job as a parent is to provide emotional support. You never once did that and look what happened. They think just trying to make me conform to social norms is the key to everything. Help me find friends as a kid? Why would a kid need friends, we feed and clothe him, that means we've done everything a parent has to do. Fuck this goddamn shit. This is what neglect is and it's been happening my entire life and now they just expect me to be a perfect little normie so I don't shame them. Well fuck you.
the americans have completely taken over my city and made it a violent prisonlike shithole like in the judge dredd movie, and just today they murdered all the innocent trees that arbored my neighborhood sidewalk because trees "encourage crime" or whatever their paranoid minds imagine on their filthy marijuana drugs
I'm not even leaving my house any more, there's nothing left to do, I tried to but they destroyed fucking everything
destruction is all they know
>>205791>the americans have completely taken over my city
What the fuck are you even on about, dude? Has there been a mass migration to some scandinavian shithole because oil or something? What the fuck.
nothing I will do matters. I am stuck in this hell family and awful life forever who the fuck thinks he can crawl from bad parenthood and bad circumstances to happy life?
it can be tough and annoying, but I like being clean and I know even though showering is annoying I will feel better for having done it
We can't. We do with what we got and drag on our damaged psyche and body till it's time we don't. I just resolve all I can and don't let anything I feel get swept under the rug.
I took one first one this week, I just felt disgusting enough to do so. Otherwise it's just a waste of resources and time when I don't. Usually uncomfortable unless I have a lot on my mind to think about in there or it's ice cold and it gives me a break from it.
I never thought I had tardive dyskinesia but I've been on meds so long and I know I have an involuntary twitch, it reminds me kind of like south park when tweak twitches, my head jerks to the left and my eyes close and I make an ah or an uh sound, I think it's tardive dyskinesia from so many years of taking all sorts of crazy medicines, at least it's not so bad and it doesn't happen too often, I hope it doesn't get worse
it's becoming a habit I'm looking forward to, doubling up on antipsychotics every night and then sleeping for 12 hours, I wanna do it again, I don't know why it's so addicting
You should take cold showers; it's the exact opposite of exhausting.
I just want to live in my dreamworld.
I don't think you understand where the exhaustion lies.
Attention, money and affluence, sense of belonging to a group, self-affirmation through domination, physical or moral, everything humanity does revolves around these, it's sickening.
Let the planet burn.
your post does have the elements of attention, sense of belonging to a group, self-affirmation through domination, physical or moral
what you don't have is money and power
I just wish I could have a friend.
Someone I could be close and intimate with. Someone I could talk to about philosophy, games and also minuscule things, like the pain I feel from pinching my little finger on the door. Someone who would give me value, and someone I could give value in return.
Why is it so hard to do so? They say there are millions of lonely people out there in the internet. I've been searching for years and no one is compatible. Best case scenario: always mental children; worst case: they lose interest.
Maybe I am just not worthwhile.
Post a way to communicate with you
what do you mean by mental children?
I also do nothing all day but browse the internet and don't have any friends etc. The difference is I'm not depressed about it because I know I prefer this life over the fake life that normies live. I know it's not related to the thread theme but I'm just trying to help. Stop beating yourself up over things you don't really want to do anyway. You say you want to do this and that but you take zero steps in that direction. This just means that you don't actually want to do it and that you just don't know yourself very well.
What makes their lives "fake"? I am all for self-acceptance and being happy with what you have but it should also come from truth.
What's there to prove? The obsession consumes my mind; I cannot get it out of my head for long how much I despise 99.99% of this reality and I long to live in the one I fantasize about instead.
sometimes i google phrases like "i have no one" or "nobody is there for me" in hopes of finding people have posted similar things that i can relate to. almost every time, i find a post from a person describing their situation which happens to be similar to mine, but the post always ends up being from some succubus and the last paragraph is always "the only person i have is my husband, and i'm so lucky i even have him!" or some dumb shit like that. this shit is endlessly infuriating and i don't know why i keep doing this
Switch to DuckDuckGo or Startpage. Google tracks all of your searches
good, i hope google agents come and kill me
Your contempt is well thought out and reasonable. I enjoyed your post.
I disagree that we are headed for inevitable collapse.
I believe groids will evenntually spread between the stars, where we will plub new depth of misery and new heights of ecstacy. Someone like us will be monitoring an automatic gas mining platform 90 light years away several thousands years from now, just about earning enough credits from his local government to continue life extension treatments from passing drone medical ships whilst only getting enough time per unit of work to have some time in his VR world. He will hate his job and consider suicide, but probably be prevented from it due to living on company property.
God I hate this. I actually used to lurk on an all succubi chan called crystal cafe and I saw this shit endlessly. It was a post I could identify with about how lonely they are or whatever and then they would fucking ALWAYS without fail mention their boyfriend. It got to be a little ridiculous. I don't think succubi understand what loneliness is.
Finally looked into my healthcare for a more pressing medical concern, I think I'm going to give up and try the pharmaceutical meme while I'm at it.
What do you think of online friends? Throughout the years I mostly just stick to imageboards but occasionally I would add people and talk to people online. Without fail they ghost me. I should be above such petty feelings, but the truth is it does bother me. It is a bit of a hit to my pride, as if they view me as so inconsequential they just completely ignore me. I would feel better if they just outright rejected me and told me to fuck off, rather than just ignoring me that way. I am a boring person, so I shouldn’t have expected anything more. I tried IRC and skype over the years and would always just be ignored by everyone, I tried discord and all the servers are cliquey and closed off, without fail i’d be silently removed from the group without any explanation. I’m used to rejection IRL but for some reason being rejected even online gets to me. I think it’s because in real life I can rationalize it that I was rejected for superficial reasons like my looks/mannerisms etc, but online it is a rejection of something more fundamental. I’m only a box of text online, so it’s like my very consciousness and thoughts are being denied.
I know it is my own fault, and I know I deserve it. I suppose the only graceful option is embracing solitude entirely, and not trying to use the internet as a surrogate for human interactions.
I sometimes forget just how wizardly I am. Going to some chan or reddit chat rooms based around depression or mental illness I see they are just barely scratching the surface still so when I talk it's like an ancient being of wisdom tries to bestow knowledge upon the lesser base beings…and of course it is always met with resistance or antagony. Even here on wizchan and it's chatrooms the users are not very different from the failed normies who make up the bulk of the internet now. Its like..yes, you're virgins and supposedly volcels but that's it -you still share 99% of traits with other crabs and failed normies in the online communities.
I'm the opposite, I'm usualy the one who ghosts people because I'm afraid they'll find out I'm a 30yo NEET loser. I used to play a online game around 2012 and I was very good at it, and ended up becoming friends with a lot of players. Eventualy people start asking things like "how old are you?" or "where do you live", and before you know it everyone was talking with each other using their real names instead of their nicknames, posting pictures of themselves on the forums, talking about their girlfriends, etc.
At first when they talked about this stuff I just pretended to be afk, but eventualy I had to quit the game. It was too much for me.
Same. A few months ago I posted a thread summarizing my life on /r9k/, and I got like 15 replies of people feeling sorry for me. That hit me hard, like even on that shithole site I'm the biggest loser around.
To me I just feel betrayed like I'm the only one who took things seriously. This pattern keeps repeating itself everywhere I go - people seemingly integrate in and out of communities as they see fit while also holding a job or going to college. I end up being left behind like it was all some kind of a joke every one was in on besides me.
I ghost people because I'm just so shit at social interaction in general. I treat interactions like letters in the mail, which means I'll take weeks or even months before sending a response or a message. So by the time I respond to someone they respond in five minutes with something essentially saying, "y u ghosted me bru?" And I'm sitting there looking at their message thinking, "But I didn't?"
I'm fucking tired of imageboards.
I don't know what to do with my life, nay, I don't know what we're supposed to do in life while we're on earth.
God, I want to die.
Pretty much how I've been feeling about Wizchan for the past 3 years or so
Life is so meaningless, but I still don't want to die.
Someone make a new thread please
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