Never really knew either of my grandmothers, to be honest. The one on my mother's side hung herself in the basement when my own mother was quite young, and the one on my father's side I haven't spoken with in over 10 years and is basically just a stranger to me. My mother's step-mother, who came into the picture a year or so after my biological grandmother committed suicide, has basically been a sort of pseudo-grandmother. Again though, I barely know her and, just like the one on my father's side, I haven't spoken with either of them in years. Hell, I haven't spoken with any of my relatives in years and let me tell you that, in my case, it's a blessing. Both my grandmothers are a couple of narcissistic, vain, & glib old buzzards, whom, from what I recall (late teens being the last time I saw them), were about as warm & receiving as a jagged block of ice, especially the one on my father's side. That description itself can pretty much be extended to almost all my relatives, frankly. The only ones that I cut a bit of slack for their obtuseness & have a tiny amount of sympathy for being my only living grandfather on my mother's side, and my mother's brother, my uncle. Long story short, but the both of them have had very hard lives in their own way and, even though I still wouldn't want to interact with them, I can at least understand & respect the sort of shit they've experienced, as opposed to all my other relatives who, in the case of my father's side of the family, are all unrepentant normalfags or just generally unpalatable assholes. My other grandfather died when I was like 10, or something, and I have to say, being that it's the only funeral I've ever attended for a family member in my life, I honestly couldn't have cared less and felt nothing except the tediousness of the funeral itself. He never wanted to know me & I never wanted to know him, in my case knowing enough about how much of an asshole he was already. That's all there was to it.
Anyway, all that stupid bullshit aside, I find your post to be quite triggering for me, since my mother is essentially everything your grandmother is to you. She's defended me my entire life & always been there for me. She's the only one on this entire rotten little ball of dirt of a planet who cares for me & accepts me for everything that I am. My father & brother, to a much lesser extent, also accept & understand me, but neither of them can compare to my mother. I rely & depend on my parents for practically everything in my life, but my mother has always gone that extra mile for me, (cooking my meals, helping me dry my hair, talking with me whenever I want to vent about something, just generally helping me whenever I get really high-strung or autistic, etc.). In the end, I just have so much to lose and it makes me very anxious to think about. I can't even imagine how mind-rendingly devastating her inevitable loss will be for me, but your post gives a disturbing window to what it will almost undoubtedly be like, if not even worse.
>Hasn't even happened yet but this dread I feel is enough to make life intolerable, can't even think about anything else or have any hopes for the future. Can barely even talk to her without crying.
God damn, that's visceral. This is how it's gonna be, alright. Dread. True, lasting, crushingly palpable dread. Dread at being finally faced with the looming mortality of the only one who has, and will ever, truly care for me and that I'll simply never, ever see her again. To be left utterly alone, trembling in the everlasting cold of a dark & terrifying world, with no one left to care. Reduced to nothing, but a disgusting, wretchedly insignificant insect, to be ignored or squashed on at a whim by indifferent or malicious normalfags. A bug waiting to be crushed under someone's boot. That'd be one part of the vile equation for certain. The other half being simply isolation. Total isolation. Alone with my grief & my sorrow & deteriorating mental/physical health. I can't imagine those sorts of wounds would ever heal for someone like me. The sense of loss will simply be too great. What I lost having been priceless & irreplaceable. A quote from Ligotti's Professor Nobody springs to mind to sum of up the inescapability of it all.
>Then: no belief or body of laws will guard you; no friend, no counselor, no appointed personage will save you; no locked door will protect you; no private office will hide you. Not even the solar brilliance of a summer day will harbor you from horror. For horror eats the light and digests it into darkness.
I can't speak for him, but, when I'm honest with myself, I know that this will probably be the case for me. There will be no trap door of self-inflicted release (suicide) for me to scurry out of to flee from what's to come, nor the proceeding fallout afterwards. I'm a complete, gutless turd. Just another point of terror for me to agonize over.