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 No.205910[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.



Previous thread:
>>204900 >>204900


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Starting to accept my entire life will be about managing my intense negative moods and emotions. Each mood is so different and takes different parts away from me I have to constantly monitor myself. Certain words and ideas only work in certain moods so I experience myself as a disjointed machine. It gets so complicated I need to fill my head and attention with managing it. I am not part of the world so my timeline is messed up, it's like I phase in and out of existence. It is better being aware of that rather than being in constant confusion and mental breakdown like before but it is an unpleasant acceptance.


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It makes me crazy how I rarely get any replies when I post something online. Even when I am replying to someone. Really makes me feel even more alone than I already am.


get used to it


Should the suicide general thread be forced into real discussion instead of nothing?


iktf, I have terrible mood swings constantly, from suicidal to extremely elated and focused, how are you supposed to live with this shit, I never know what I'm gonna wake up to, all I've figured out is that usually I have to hit the pits of depression before bouncing back to being happy.

I hardly get replies either, I just type a bunch of crap as rants and don't care if anyone even reads but it makes me feel better to have typed and submitted it somewhere


I'm so bored


Anyone here diagnosed schizophrenia or schizoid?


Not schizophrenia but lots of "personality disorders" like schizoid, schizotypal, borderline, avoidant; supposedly these are nearly incurable without rigorous therapy, and even then it's a low chance of remission, basically means you are screwed for life.


Are we doomed to become our parents? My mother is turning into her mother, arriving at the same destination but taking a different route, my father is turning into his father. Perhaps it's not possible to not be shaped into the person you are around when your brain is developing?


It's cold and raining. I love that.


How does one cope with being stupid?

Making mistakes all the time and not realizing it, being insulted by others…


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I was sitting on my well worn couch/pullout bed the other night, just staring off into space, as I so usually do. Drowning, once more, in an overwhelming crescendo of the usual tension, boredom, misery, and all around general fatigue I feel every single day. Anyway, I got up a little too fast, when I felt the whim to do so, and had a bit of a controlled fall to the ground, as I then found myself collapsed in a heap on the floor of my tiny little room. Laying there for what genuinely felt like hours. Not that being down there did much for improving my mood, mind you. Indeed, even after getting up, I still felt absolutely terrible. No reason as to why I wouldn't be, of course. No matter how awful I feel and no matter how long I'd chosen to lay around with my face against the floor, while, in this case, begging for a swift, unseen end to somehow finally come to me, inevitably, when I finally get up, I'll still be here. Trapped with my miserable little self, in my miserable little hole. I'm lost in a sea of my own restlessness and these waves of intensely painful melancholy I experience, intermingled with near bottomless sensations of emptiness, will never stop until I'm dead. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't always feel like shit, only to be broken up by moments like these where I really, REALLY feel like shit. The insufferable miasma of my own presence always hangs about me like a noxious, purple cloud and is totally inescapable. Truthfully, there never really is a moment where I don't feel at least slightly like crap. Hell, "slightly like crap", that'd be a good day, frankly.

In the end, my life is a tortuous grind towards nothing & nowhere that's worn my sanity & emotions down to flakes of dust, but I limp on enduring it becuase I'm still too timid to stick a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger. Why did this have to happen? Why did I need to come into this terrible world? How much longer must this go on for? How near or how far am I towards the ultimate end of all this awfulness? It all swirls around in my head like a centrifuge to the point of exploding, often taking the form of a throbbing headache, due to the palpable negative pressure it puts on my mind. I can quite literally feel the weight of my own thoughts, as if there's a tumor growing heavier & heavier within the confines of my skull. On that note, I hate myself & everything so much that I do seriously feel like I'm going to give myself brain cancer someday, assuming I haven't already. No matter what I say, it's never enough to properly convey how bad it all is. Perhaps nothing ever could. Even if I screamed at the top of my lungs & threw myself against the walls of my room 24/7, I'd still feel like I have duct tape over my mouth/soul. What else can be said, I guess. It'll only get worse, until the seemingly worst of all, to only then be trumped by something even worse later on. That's all life will ever be to me. Damn it.

Random aside, but after many years of having a light beard, periodically trimmed down to a goatee, I finally decided to shave off all my facial hair. Feels nice, actually. Almost like a weight's been lifted and I can finally feel all the parts of my face again. I also don't look as hideous as I thought I would without it, but, then again, I'm sure that I probably do. At the end of the day, I look terrible no matter what. Having a beard, in my case, just helped to cover up my more putrid/bland features (no jaw line, very minimal chin, roundish & pudgy face, etc). If shaving weren't such a chore, I'd probably always stay this way. I also somehow look a lot older & more worn down without a beard, which is weird, since most people usually say the opposite. As in they look younger without a beard, whereas I almost look younger with one.

I feel like there's a poignant comparison to be made between this random aside of mine & the rest of what I expressed before that. Unfortunately, I'm too stupid & apathetic to find it. If only I could shave away my sense of identity, overwhelming ennui, and many unseemly vanities the same way I mowed through all the tangled weeds of hair that once constituted my now vanished beard. That'll work, I guess. Time to stare at the wall some more and feel nothing, but the excruciatingly stale chill of my own thoughts & emotions, along with the profound discomfort & boredom my very existence often gives to me in rather staggering quantities. Such an awful & unwanted predicament to be inflicted by, so as to always need to tolerate my very own shitty self. It'll all be over someday. There's that much to look forward to, at least.


Fucking this.


Read some books.


…but not fiction books.


shooting from the hip, but i think most people start out like this on imageboards, and they fix it by either becoming a hivemind memelord/turbofaggot or a combative cunt. i would say i developed the mindset of the latter, as i would only get replies to my posts if i was trolling or playing contrarian. i'd say this is part of the reason why 4chan is a festering shithole


Lose some weight and get some sunlight


Reading books doesn't make you more intelligent. What I mean is the ability to make decisions without having to be spoonfed stuff.

For example The guy who thinks of a great business idea will make a lot more money than someone who found about it by reading his book.



Reading books will not make someone more or less intelligent because that's not what intelligence is.

Reading books may cause one to encounter thought processes, philosophies, or ideas they would not have otherwise encountered.

It certainly is likely true though that if one read "john doe's book of how to be rich like him" they wouldn't be as rich as him.


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I liked your rant. Nothing to add, just pic related


As a recent reader (occasionally I try not to over do it cause my brain is pretty fried and it gets overwhelming sometimes) is that it exposes me to ideas and information to bridge them to my own views that I wouldn't have gotten if I didn't read it. It's something to integrate, can't read much but when I do I get that out of it.


I started school again with distance learning, in my country it can give legit diplomas. All these years of doing nothing made me irremediably stupid, even more than before. 25 but i'm struggling with junior high math. Sometimes i'm optimistic but i can't shake off the fear that all i do is a waste of time and that i have absolutely nothing for myself, no matter the effort i'm putting in it


I have the same problem, but in real life. I feel ignored and left behind.


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I'm seriously considering suicide.
Of course I've thought about it before, but never as serious as now. I mean, we're all gonna die anyway. It's better to die now than to extend your suffering till the day you die. Life is meaningless and pointless. No matter how you look at it. There is no god and even if there was a god, there would still be questions to be answered. Life is absurd. I want to escape from it.


yeah yeah everyone is suicidal nowadays, we get it already


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Bored and restless with no ability to concentrate on anything. Why the fuck am I even alive in this state? What good does it do anyone?


I love this movie and this scene.


That goes with anything


Nothing feels truly sufficient to express my thoughts and feelings, and even if there was, I'm afraid I would simply be screaming into an abyss with no chance of anyone calling me back, not even my own echo; or that what I consider to be so complicated and personal would turn out something simple and universal, making me look like a complete idiot.


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Went to have a light nap on my couch, but I ended up sleeping there for the past 10 hours. I'm more than rested now, but it doesn't really feel like I've "slept", since I never intended to sleep for that long, hence the nap I was looking for, so now I'm just very uncomfortably discombobulated. As a hikikomori this tends to happen many more times than I'd like, but, at the same time, at least I can afford to get annoyingly disoriented like this without much hassle, aside from how it screws me up mentally. Anyway, I guess I'm up now, despite not really wanting to be, but being too rested to fall back to sleep again. It's really all a senseless fugue either way. I awake, I widdle away what few hours I need to, and then, before I know it, almost as in the blink of an eye, it's back to sleep again.

Come to think of it, I've really been turbocharging on sleep lately. As in regularly sleeping for 10+ hours at a time, day after day, week after week, and month after month. I'm not complaining mind you, but it sure does make the time fly by. Like pressing the fast forward button on a remote to its maximum setting. Sleep it all off until death. The best approach I've found for life, the world, and existence, right there. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Same old, same old. It'd be nice if someone could just come up behind me right now and jam a needle of tranquilizers in my neck.


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Preforming badly in a game, any game really, (even if it's just some simple 2D platformer) always instills in me such an overwhelming sense of worthlessness & self-hatred. It's like, out of all the things in my life, and despite devoting myself to the hobby for over 20 years, I can't even get playing some dumb, easily forgiving game right. I can honestly get quite harsh with myself, despite the fact that I'm a 100% solo player, who only engages in SP experiences. Two quick examples of this below, with my internal critic in green text.

Took 10 tries to defeat a boss, when most other people beat it on their 2nd or 3rd?

>Fucking useless retard. Don't you think you'd want another, less humiliating take on that one? You do nothing, but embarrass yourself. Couldn't even beat that boss without making 100 easily avoidable mistakes. It wasn't even that hard and yet you still kept screwing it up! You make me sick, you careless sack of shit.

Just play sloppily in general to the point where I've almost forgotten what all the buttons do and am basically tripping over myself in blunder after blunder?

>How are you doing this badly? How many more needless fuck-ups are you gonna make, you great, big fuck-up? What the hell is the matter with you? You deserve to be flayed alive, you laughably skill-less faggot.

Why do I have to torture myself like this? Nobody's watching and nobody cares, so what does it all matter? I seem so determined to shit on myself at every turn. Why can't I simply let myself be? To some extent, I already know the answer. I have absolutely no value or talent as an individual, so when I screw up in the only thing that gives me a fleeting sense of it, I proceed to chastise myself viciously for it. After all, if I hadn't screwed up and, instead, had preformed well, I could feel the self-serving satisfaction & vanity of being a "skilled" player, which, however small & insignificant it might be, gives me value. I can see that it's all bullshit though, but it doesn't seem to matter. Even seeing this for what it is, my internal critic when gaming remains a constant &, often times, consistent undoer of my mood & any meager sense of enjoyment I might acquire while playing. This doesn't happen all the time, thankfully, but, when it does, it really ruins my day.


This. All the dread, the fear, the anxiety, rather than gain any insight or elucidating thought from them only manifest as a nauseous mass in my chest. It's fucking hopeless.


I wish I could just go out in public without sweat rushing out of my armpits like dual waterfalls. In winter it's okay because I can cover it up but in summer there's nothing to be done. I should probably buy some more black t shirts.


Games are a deficient source of self worth because 1) they only give you satisfaction for a short amount of time once you beat a challenge 2) the probability of failing more often than not is rather high which will leave you even more depressed and angry and shrinks your already low self worth further 3) there is no creative or expressive element to them which means that they don't offer you the possibility to extend your personal identity to the external world which is necessary to give you something which you can rely on in different situations and which is durable 4) the gameplay which defines the difficulty and your struggle offers a kind of an unpersonal achievement as so many people are able to beat the game so it does not help to establish a personal identity 5) gamers are toxic and many of them are people I wouldn't like to relate to and I couldn't care less how good they are at defeating bosses 6) we are all going to die and nobody will care if you were able to beat game X 7) if you don't have fun playing the game and actually do it to impress yourself, others or a fictional audience then games simply are not the right thing for you and you should try other hobbies or try to play again when you have sorted out your life 8) there are probably more reasons but you might get the idea already


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I want you to realize that if you're a failure, it's most likely the fault of other people. Take revenge, if you can.


Life/consciousness is a cruel joke.
I don't want to die, I don't want to fade away. This fear of death just won't go away. I really envy wizards who don't fear death. It's so natural and yet so terrifying.


>we are all going to die and nobody will care if you were able to beat game X
If you get into productive/creative hobbies with the idea that you're leaving something behind for other people, i've got bad news for you


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At least this won't go on forever. Eventually, we'll die, and there'll be no more pain c:


How do you know that?


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Anyone else having a hug obsession?

Usually after 2 to 4 hours of doing my regular activities (often programming) or when i'm very stressed, i get a big urge to hug literally anything. So i go and cuddle in my bed while hugging a pillow for up to half an hour and i can't let go easily. And even when i do stop, it usually comes back right away and i have to keep going for a couple of minutes.
I don't know but i find hugs to be very cute, endearing, relaxing, adorable and warm, even though i can't even comprehend doing or telling this to anyone i know.


Something something childhood neglect. Something something lack of affection.


Actually in my childhood i never liked hugging and i didn't ask for affection either. It's a new thing which appeared slowly after i realised how terrible this world is.


Probably because you only develop your insecurity and mental damage recently and you naturally seek hugging as a coping mechanism because it simulates affection.


I'm already used with coping, in fact i rarely feel anything, since i just think about how nothing matters in this life and then preferably distract myself with something else and i can cope with basically everything no matter how bad. As for the hug, i don't feel anything for a while then all of a sudden i need one badly, and it's worse since i can barely control it. I lose all desire for what i'm doing at that time and i automatically focus on getting hugs. In fact i was about to go to bed right now but you responded very quickly so i sat here to post this.

I need it right now. Ahh…


Go hug a cactus. Kinda feel like you though but not as gay.


I hate hugging, even hugging my parents I feel nothing and it's awkward


What is it with modern Internet browsers and sites growing more complicated, full of redundant functions tucked away in the depths of many settings menus and sub-menus, but lacking some basic quality-of-life improvements, simpler in their visual designs but so much more resource-intensive?
This is so bizarre, since last time I checked everyone seemed to be crazy with minimalism.


Well, i'm back from the bed; The hug was just as great as ever, but i've also been thinking about it and found that i overly fixate on the hug itself: how comfortable, squishy, warm and tight it is - the better, the happier it makes me. I also forgot to mention that it greatly helps me sleep at night, which i already knew about.
I'm not gay, i just can't resist the temptation to hug. I simply can't say no as long as i don't ashame myself.


I think the performance issues are because every mainstream website is loaded with trackers for targeted ads and brand engagement analysis or w/e


Wanna hug?



You're honestly not telling me anything that I don't already know, so just keep all the "video games are useless & dumb, maybe you should get a new hobby & sort your life out, lol" tier advice to yourself. Points 1, 2 & 4, from your above post are the only ones that I actually agree with and are pertinent to my situation. And, even on that note, I already acknowledged how pathetically irrational & absurd it is for me to put such ridiculous qualifiers on achieving my own sense of personal validation when gaming. Whether I do badly, or I do well, nothing changes, except my state of my mind, so why should I let poor performance, or great performance, get in the way of something that I, in theory, always have complete control over? I don't necessarily agree with what I just said there, since, truth be told, I believe all negative traits one possesses are immutable and genetically pre-determined and they can't simply just go away because you want them to, but it's just an example of a better way to frame my predicament than "games are dumb & bad". But, lo & behold, knowing or acknowledging all this sort of shit doesn't make dealing with it any easier or less irritating.

The unfortunate truth in all this is simply that, I do, in fact, have a subtle & persistent competitive streak in me, with an annoyingly off again, on again, need to prove myself, to, in essence, no one, but myself, through my own self-established & arbitrary set criteria (beat such & such boss below the number of tries it takes the average player, play on the highest available difficulty, reduce my overall deaths to the lowest possible amount, solve all puzzles in a puzzle game on my own steam, etc). When I inevitably fail at matching these sorts of standards, I can't help, but feel angry & disappointed with myself. Not to an extreme degree mind you, but just enough to be a mild irritant on my psyche, so as to dampen my ability to distract (enjoy seems like too strong a word, frankly) myself with a particular game. Again, it varies in intensity from one game to the next, but, as much as I hate to admit it, it's always there. The harder the game, the more slack I cut for myself, but if I happen to do badly in a relatively simple game, like in the instance I described in my original post, I find it pretty much impossible to come up with any excuses for myself and I'm forced to face how hopelessly terrible & autistic I am.

When all's said & done though, this really has nothing to do with video games. It doesn't matter what the actual hobby would be, I'd still be up to these same sorts of self-defeating antics. After all, I'm a pseudo perfectionist who'll find any reason to criticize, judge, & belittle my own actions. That's just how it is, how it's always been, and I'll suffer with it all my life. End of story.


minimalism for the end user, just like everything else
increasing computing power permit complexity too, just like everything else

just that you sit all day browing and tinkering with the browser to notice what the average pc end user don't care


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>have a low frustration tolerance
>playing video game
>do badly in video game
>get mad and complain about it online
>once I calmed down realize I was playing sub-optimally and had unreasonable complaints
>too late and multiple people called me retarded and made condescending posts about how entitled I am
>feel deeply ashamed about the post even though none of these people know me and instantly forgot about it


Do you think its not your fault?


It is my fault and I hate myself for it.


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Hoping climate change causes the extinction of humanity. It won't be in my lifetime, but I can rest easy knowing no one else will have to deal with this bullshit in a few centuries. Capitalism was good for one thing at least.


I hate how the mods hate 4chan and wont let me talk about it. Its not even that bad except for nazis and crabs. Just venting out.


If you love 4chan so much, why don’t you go back. Ironic that you’re whining about our moderation considering the state of theirs.


I love when NORPs talk about climate change.


That's like saying the sewer isn't so bad except for the terrible smell, dirty water and rats. These people make up like 80% of the userbase.


There's nothing wrong with browsing 4chan and talking about 4chan
We just don't want you to "import" things from there, so Wizchan can keep being its own thing with original stuff


Sometimes it feels like my mind is being flooded with memories from my other lives from alternate timelines


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How do I cope with having permanent brain damage? My memory is awful and it makes it very difficult to consume media, especially with OCD on top of it.


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Like the other post said, I also enjoyed your rant and could empathize with much of the text. May our end be swift and painless!


I feel when life is as it is for a wizard especially if your limited in some ways or others in how you can interact with the world as it is today if you can find some form of functional peace of mind bleed through happens and your consciousness begins to explore other aspects of itself in others. Doesn't have much else to do, so it moves on without your consent and it can't just not experience at all.

Try the best you can to be healthy and realize how subjective enjoyment of media is in how you take up information experienced. That took a very long time to get over, it's amazing how mind controlled we really are.


I'm constantly being flooded with emotions, all of them, randomly. My personality changes every time. I never know how I'm going to behave during the day.

Today I woke up feeling something, during the day it changed, and now I've got a feeling and thoughts that are totally opposed to my initial state. This shit really disturbs my life and hobbies. Not that frequently, I also have some kind of "outbreaks". I don't know how to explain in detail, but all those emotions, thoughts, behaviours collide, like a explosion, during that I can't say for sure where or who I am, my senses of space simply disappear not being able to say what is big, far, etc. It's like I'm acting in a scene of a hundred different movies at the same time.


I love wasting my time doing absolutely nothing.


The apartment complex I live in was treated with insecticide and I inhaled some of it when I was at the staircase so now I'm paranoid about all the possible ways it could fuck with me and my health.
The pest control company are utter fucking idiots for not treating the entire building while everyone is away from home working but in the fucking evening.


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Hugging has always felt very wrong, awkward & uncomfortable to me. Probably almost entirely due to my father, I'd imagine, since he was very cold & unaffectionate as I was growing up, especially so towards my mother. My father would always push my mother away & recoil whenever she tried to touch/hug him. He'd also slap the shit out of her on occasion and, for over 25 years, they've never slept in the same bed. Constantly seeing that sort of shit as a kid left an indelible mark on me, to the point where, now, any sorts of gentleness, tenderness, or love that's shown towards me, psychically & emotionally hurts me, and I recoil from it the same way my father would always recoil from my mother in a combined grimace of disgust, discomfort & disdain.

Be that as it may, the reason I bought a body pillow a while back was partially so I could see if, by pretending enough, that'd it be just like hugging my waifu, since, if I could hug anything, it'd be my waifu. Unfortunately though, I just felt nothing. In the end, I was simply embracing an inanimate object, in a cold & empty room. All there was, was emptiness. Boundless emptiness. It'd be nice if I could derive the same satisfaction as you yourself when it comes to this sort of thing, but I just can't. And I doubt I ever will. Thanks, dad.

As an aside, I'm not sure if it counts, but I loved hugging our cat and I did it almost all the time. It's the only example I can think of where I felt genuine love & contentment towards another living thing. Hugging & petting him never felt wrong or made me ill, in the same way it has whenever I've needed to politely hug/touch a relative, or my mother. He's been dead a while now (died a few years back at 19 1/2 years old), but I sure do miss hugging him. He & I had a very special bond, to the point where he may as well have been my wizardly familiar. Another cat, or pet, just wouldn't be the same.


As pathetic as that sounds, I used to do that.

Honestly, when people talk about hugging. When I see people hugging their friends I'm wondering what the fuck is going on. I never got hugged by my parents or by my friends (due to not having any). Or if I did, I can't remember it anymore (I'm 27). And even when I was 20 I felt the same way so it's not just my memory playing tricks on me.

Do people actually hug each other? I know they do sometimes, but … I see it on the street, but it seems so bizarre. Someone taking a shit in the middle of the street would feel more natural to me. Though I do come from former soviet bloc. Maybe the standards here are different?

My mother even used to say that I was a very well behaved child and that she could just leave me in my crib for hours never picking me up or anything and I would just … be. I wonder what short circuited in my brain that made me not cry or anything. Seems like the natural selection crowd was right after all.

The strangest thing is, my mother was affectionate with my sister from what I have heard and from what I remember. Just not me. I never really minded it, because what did I know?

Oh well. Just thinking about hugging sends chills down my spine at this point.


I've come to the realization that I am an useless hedonist.


I think our bodies are fairy resilient. I mean look at how many people drink alcohol and smoke daily which are known carcinogens and still live long. Of course every material has a different level of danger but I don't think such short exposure can do anything.



Go slaving for your bosses bank account if that's what you are concerned about please actually don't. Hedonism is a valid approach to life


I'm useless because I could learn so many things on the internet but I waste all of my free time seeking short-term pleasures instead of focusing on some other activity that'll make me wiser.


This sadness just won't go away.


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From what i remember, my mother never tried to hug me at all, even when i was young and i didn't asked for one either.

My dad on other hand used to insist on it, though i tried to avoid the subject like usual, there were a couple of times i had to obey. Back then he gave me a lot of affection with those hugs but nowdays he just rarely headpats me and that's it. Perhaps i rejected him too much, since i have a growing hate for him as he keeps annoying me whenever he gets a chance (or maybe it's just because of my growing age?). But i had to, i need to maintain my desire for hugs a secret, otherwise i can imagine he is probably going to throw me at the psych ward for having this crush.

The 2 friends i had were not positive about this, i don't recall a single time they hugged someone, not even their partners.

At last, the pillow feels no emotion and is always there for me, everyday.


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I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type, two years ago. I am taking lamotrigine, aripiprazole and bupropion.

Since I began taking the meds, I haven't shown symptoms of the disorder anymore, but the trade-off is that I feel dead inside pretty much all the time. No emotions anymore, I'm just like a braindead zombie. I feel like I'm less intelligent than before, and my motivation to do stuff is so low that I mostly sleep all day because I can't force myself to do anything else.

Maybe my memory is fooling me here, but I feel like even my worst depressive episodes (before I started taking the meds) were not as bad as this hell that I'm living in now. Back then I felt at least SOMETHING.

Everyday I am more tempted to just stop taking my meds. Maybe I'll have a depressive episode, which may be an improvement as explained above, or maybe I'll have a manic episode (preferably a hypomanic one) which would make my life worth living for a couple of weeks.


In a similar boat, got bipolar and psychosis. On a high dose of Seroquel and have since felt nothing. Sometimes I miss the suicidal nights I spent drinking, at least it was SOMETHING and not nothing. I think we should test going off meds just to see what happens, can always go back on them if shit hits the fan.


I got diagnosed bipolar 2, I recently started seroquel, I've been on it for 2 weeks but I think for the most part I feel better, more energy/more motivated, better mood. I've stopped medications plenty of times thinking that I missed being sad or depressed but it's never worth it, feeling hopelessly depressed sucks and sometimes the med you were taking before you stopped doesn't work the second time around so then you have to search for some new crap


statistically people whose loved ones die by suicide suffer more and longer than any other form of death.


statistically continue living and partying is suffering more and longer than any death


What a beautiful way to word it.


I'm not invested in anything this world has to offer, the only thing that comes close is the occasional drive to create, but then I don't have any skills or motivation necessary and if I manage to stick through and practice for long amounts of time I backpedal immediately once I notice the changes art makes in my brain that I'm not used to and I'm afraid will compromise my existing predisposition to certain activities which I'm actively utilizing in daily life, studying and my job.
I hate my brain more than anything: it's feeble, it's limited and it won't even function properly and provide me with happiness. There's nothing but frustration.


Not a lot worth doing anyways.


I want both my parents instantly and painlessly die, so i can do whatever i want without shame and then kill myself.


I had the misfortune of reading twitter today and wonder why people even bother with politics, it’s exhausting living but I can’t imagine actively fighting with others for tribalistic reasons that probably won’t affect you.


That's interesting. I actually, well I know the people who self diagnose are usually laughed at. On the other hand, there clearly is something very wrong with me and schizoaffective might be the "best fit". Of course I am not diagnosed, because that's pretty much suicide as the record of mental illness goes on your record. And these records are shown to potential employers, so … yeah. Self diagnose it is.

Anyways, as far as schizoaffective goes, how did it go for you? I'm asking because for me it's been slowly getting worse. Like I had pretty much no actual hallucinations but lately things are less real. Sometimes thing seem to move or vibrate when I look at them, not sure how else to phrase it. Things blink sometimes, even if they shouldn't. When I look at my face in the mirror and looks myself in the eyes usually after about 10 seconds the person in the mirror stops looking back at me, it's like he's looking at something right next to me. It's nothing that disruptive, not like a full psychotic episode but it feels like I'm slowly sliding into the unreal. I expected it to be more sudden.

How was it for you? By the way it's quite likely I'm off with the "diagnose" so please don't dwell on it that much. I also have lots of non-psychotic symptoms but I mainly wanted to ask about the psychotic ones.


>And these records are shown to potential employers, so … yeah. Self diagnose it is.
Where are you from? Because where I live, employers have no access to records of any illnesses.

Well, the only kind of hallucinations that I had were auditory - I heard voices. Though only when I was very exhausted and hadn't slept for like 100 hours. I'm actually surprised that I got diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, because I personally think that bipolar disorder with psychotic features would have been more fitting, since I really was only psychotic for the last week or so of my manic episode.

Sorry that I can't tell you more about it.


Well where I live when you start working, you go through a medical exam. Either by your own doctor or (which is more common) by the doctor that your employer hires. And you need to get a record from your regular doctor to give it to the "work" doctor.

And sure enough if your GP sees a mental illness, he/she will put it in the record. So the employer will know. Just like for example with drug usage or anything that could be a potential red-flag for the employer. Some post-soviet countries are just like that …

Oh, hallucinations after sleep deprivation. I've had that, but that's quite common. Probably unrelated.

Yeah for a long time I had no hallucinations or psychotic symptoms. I mean I've been slowly getting worse for many years now (at least 5) so that probably plays a role. But like I said, I don't really know what I have. For a long time I thought I might be borderline, but since the psychotic symptoms started showing themselves I think it's more neurological. Oh well, who knows.

No problem, I'm happy to hear anything at all.


Life is so unfair ;-;


>Though only when I was very exhausted and hadn't slept for like 100 hours
That's just something called hypnagogia. It's completely normal.


happy sixteen birthday


How do you deal with getting butthurt by normalfags? These fucking scums man, they deserve HURT!


Hmm… does that mean my diagnose may be wrong? Because those voices that I heard when I was sleep depraved were really the only psychotic symptoms that I had. Maybe I'm not psychotic at all and just have regular bipolar disorder. Maybe I shouldn't be taking antipsychotics at all.


Justice does not exist. It's one of the illusions our ancestors came up with


It exist as a concept.


I hate calling people on the phone, I had to call my doctor but they didn't pick the phone up so I left a message and then the next day I got a call but I was too scared to pick it up and it was my doctor saying to call back, now I have to call again but now I have less confidence then the first time I called, I hates phones so much, usually my mom calls but she is forcing me to call now so I can get my meds and I have this horrible dread, I need my meds but also I hate using the telephone because it's so scary, but I have to do it, this dilemma causes me to pace all around my house for hours with phone in hand trying to get the courage to press the call button but it's so hard


God I hate it when that happens. You work up the courage to call once and then you don't get anyone. After that's done I'm wiped I don't have the energy to try again.


Drifting into oblivion


Is global warming real? Are we finally going to die? For fuck sake?


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I despise myself so much, everytime I reflect, I think to myself, "Damn, this is actually me..".
I've given up on everything life has to offer, all I want at this point is to be able to make a good amount of money to live independently without working 40+ hour works weeks.
also living with my mother hurts, every time we have a talk about the current situation I just hate myself and feel tired then I just go to sleep and waste the day.

I don't know how to say it but I cannot go through any training or schooling to be able to get a decent job, I have no energy, no drive to commit to anything, even though I do not want to die, every time I'm in a situation I say fuck it I can just kill myself but I really don't want to and I have no skills or anything.
friends, I do not feel well and its all on me


don't give it too much hope, not gonna happen in your life time


Ofc it is. Thats what the media told me this past week.


>I don't know how to say it but I cannot go through any training or schooling to be able to get a decent job, I have no energy, no drive to commit to anything

I don't know what to say except "I know that feel". I thought that I will be motivated to improve just to be one of the first to get my shit together from a situation as bad as mine but nope I just can't stand discomfort.


I wasn't meant to be alive. It can't be. If this is what life has to offer then it's all shit.


you're more alive than the starving african child


>you can't complain because of some niggers thousands of miles away
Fuck you


Looks like my breeders are getting a divorce. My comfortable NEET lifestyle is probably gone.


Can't tell if it's normgroid tier advice or a joke


boomer core advice


withdrawing from seroquel, brain is going mad feels like I took amphetamines or something, so tired but can’t sleep, do I keep rolling around in bed, or get up and play some video games, tough choice


>Their are children starving in Africa yet they aren't depressed

Almost like depression has something to do with living in owned space being neutered and domesticated.

I implore you to go outside for sometime, swim in a lake or something.


>replying to trolls

Why do people keep doing this every time?


probably because the truth hurts and they can't handle it


Think but dont use your autistic brain this time.


I hate this sensation that it hurts to initiate action. It hurts even before your hand moves so there is no feedback, it doesn't hurt enough to produce a physiological reaction, but it hurts in the psychic world. When you go to move the distance and time between initiating the action and your actual finger moving, and you feeling your finger moving, is so long you can feel this vague unbound and non-physical pain that only hurts in the bodiless realm. You don't even know what it is when you're experiencing it because you're focused on your body or the feedback, but, if you pay attention to the aversion you can see it's there. And it doesn't hurt, there is no object that hurts, there is no thing that hurts to press against. It just hurts the soul. You push through it and you need to with anger and hatred. Like you're shouting at a torturer, "FUCK YOU", but there is nowhere to point. I point to the demiurge as a representation but there is nowhere. The pain has no nature but its there and overcoming it creates frustration, pain, hardship, anger. I hate this.


Well if I had to guess, it would be because this opinion (starving african child bullshit) while retarded is actually what lots of people IRL say and think. So it's fun calling them out on their bullshit.


lately I haven't given a shit about whether it's "time" to sleep or not; I've just been vaping weed and then getting really sleepy and taking a nap. It's been amazing. I wish I could spend forever asleep.


Holy fuck this is relatable. Thanks wiz.


That's an incredibly accurate description of how very existence itself is suffering. Taking any action, no matter how minuscule, is uncomfortable. Staying comfortably still is not doable in the long term. So we must suffer or die. There is no other option.


I am so mentally ill, I don't even know what to do, what do you do when you literally can't function in public, I see wiz here go out and buy alcohol and cigarettes and junk food, but I couldn't even do that, I would starve in this house if mom stopped buying any food for me to eat, and I've done so when they've left me alone here at times. I don't want to be a normal, I just want to be able to leave the house without feeling extreme anxiety/fear, why does it have to be so tough for me, parents try to tell me everyone feels anxious when they go outside but no I can't believe it, if everyone felt like this then outside would be a lot more empty space. I am so pathetic.


I relate, and my advice is to try and calm down and treat each of your statements / assertions rationally.

For example, "I am so mentally ill" and "I am so pathetic" only function to:

1. Justify continued isolation
2. Contribute to the existing anxiety you feel when considering going outside

It is true that feeling anxious outside is quite common, but the longer you don't go outside the more likely you are to be overwhelmed when attempting to do so.

Ultimately, and sorry for the blogpost here, but I would try to remind yourself (as I try to) that most people have their own worries, concerns, plans, distractions etc and aren't likely to take time out of their day to perceive you negatively and make an effort to ridicule you or anything as a result. I believe in you, Wiz.


The thing is wiz, I don't know why I feel so bad when I go outside and get around others, it's just so hard, my muscles get stiff and rigid and my body feels funny, if I'm out long enough I'll just start crying, even when my parents are with me. I was going to a therapist for a couple years and she was having me do "homework" where I would have to go outside and stuff, and I can't believe it but it never got any easier, I've even cried in public multiple times since, I just feel like it is completely pointless, I'm not afraid of the people it's just that their aura somehow makes me anxious and upset. And I know I'm not supposed to put myself down by calling myself ill and pathetic, but jeez there has to be something wrong with my brain, I've been this way since I was little, except back then my parents didn't think me crying in public was weird.


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I can't even buy groceries without being harassed by employees and getting accused of stealing.

I'm seething with rage right now.


Why would that happen?


I was at the self checkout line at wal-mart and I had an employee come up and say I wasn't scanning items correctly and that I needed to put the scanned items on the tiny bag counter, bag them and continue scanning. She did this two times and looked at the list of items I scanned on the computer to see if I didn't scan something and accused me of not scanning something that I already scanned and was on the list of items scanned.

They also stopped me when I was on my way to the door, in which they asked for my receipt, scanned it and started scanning items in my cart trying to find an unscanned item.

The whole process was embarrassing and made me look like a criminal.


Are you black?


No, I'm Nordic with Danish roots; blonde hair, Hitler youth haircut, clean shaven, plasma black horn rimmed glasses.

I'm sick of living in America. I literally get triggered by all the niggers and non-whites here, entire ads in Spanish (I live in Wisconsin for fucks sake), all the degeneracy and disgusting creatures that don't even look human. The complete degenerated state of society here is astounding.

I'm also treated like human garbage here and no, I'm not paranoid, delusional or schizophrenic.


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If you tried some storng meds and it didn't work out - then just forget about "outside" for good. Close the windows and go full escapism 24/7.
Optionally learn how to order food online and some simple cooking. Ask parents to get you a debit card.
If you are not able to do all this, prepare for sweet starvation death, just keep drinking water all the way.
Maybe watch some of this shit (thanks to wiz posted it before):
Read Ligotti's Conspiracy.


Well in the end they figured out everything was ok, you should have rubbed that into their faces and called the manager or something. Next time they won't bother you.


I feel like shit. I could elaborate on why I'm feeling like shit and how it manifests itself but I'm too tired and feel too much like shit to write something of any worth and meaning.


Back at square 1 where i always end up the day before every semester starts. contemplating just dropping any non-online classes… the one non-online class i took isnt essential but it could help a lot… im also afraid of just doing nothing and stagnating… its also a 4 hour class (half-semester though) that goes from 5:30 to 9:45PM… Idk… Its times like this I wonder what the fuck am I gonna do with my life if I cant even do something as simple as drag myself to a community college class…
and even if I drop… Im still going to have to leave the house tomorrow to make it look like Im actually going to school, especially since my dad is going through another "Im going to do more work from home instead of the office!" phase (they usually dont last too long thankfully)


Do you look like a criminal?


well? are you a stealing man or a following the law man?


Why can't the /pol/ types just go away?
Nobody cares about your race wars here. Go fight for your beloved race somewhere else.


>No, I'm Nordic with Danish roots; blonde hair, Hitler youth haircut, clean shaven, plasma black horn rimmed glasses.


I haven't been to Walmart in like a decade but I remember them having some guy at the door who would check your receipt and look over your items before you could go out. There was some wizard that said when he went there were security cameras everywhere and the employees would basically stalk you around the store and look at you like a thief. I thought he was schizo but thinking back maybe he was right.


Maybe there is such a thing as invisible pain. You have normal pain that you feel in the body, then you have emotional/psychic pain which is not in the body but you feel it as being there and observable all around you, and then there might be invisible pain. You don't actually feel it or place it anywhere, you don't experience it in time, you only experience the moment of apprehension before it, doing an action with physical feedback which doesn't register as pain, and then the moment after where you are angry or relieved like after normal pain. Taking action creates this invisible pain that is disconnected from space and body but is still happening subconsciously, but you observe the effects of it. I've been testing it out today - saying "this will be painful" constantly when I move or before I do something. It seems to help with moving my body and initiating action.


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"What keeps all living things busy and in motion is the striving to exist. But when existence is secured, they do not know what to do: that is why the second thing that sets them in motion is a striving to get rid of the burden of existence, not to feel it any longer, to kill time, to escape boredom."


who cares?


you could replace anti-natalist with Wizard in every line. So you show your hatred for wizards


this website's mods openly ridicule and hate "wizards"


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>antinatalist genes

There's no antinatalist gene, it's more dependent on the circumstances you're born into and what you see as you go through life along with your ability to think on the universal level rather than just your community and immediate surroundings, and having empathy for all other sentient beings and recognizing that their experience is no less valuable than your experience.
Nothing you said had any relevance to that quote either, just pathetic ad hominem and trying to virgin shame.



It sucks to have never developed a passion for anything. Not even games or a particular field of study, everything is equally tedious and unentertaining to me.
Would proper antidepressants fix this, I wonder?


My life is nothing but despair and anxiety.


I don't know how and when I lost my motivation to do things. I used to have a lot of enthusiasm to learn things, but now just trying to focus feels like a huge struggle. I don't do anything but shitpost all day. Don't know what I should do to regain my motivation.


I need to quit smoking ASAP
I can barely breathe properly


I’m the same way. I don’t know how to fix it.


Today I went to my new doctor/psychiatrist, and man I can't believe this if the first time in 5 years of searching that I found a guy that isn't a jewish pill-pushing money grubber. The appointment was just supposed to be like a 45 minute regular appointment, but unlike every other jew piece of shit he didn't kick me out when the clock hit it's mark, he stepped out for like 20 mins to take care of another patient but then we spent about 2 more hours talking about myself, like he actually gave a little shit about me getting better, he even drew my blood to send out for some genetic testing as well as tested to see how all my vitamins and what not are doing.

It's crazy that you have to search so damn hard to find someone that doesn't just make some shallow talk with you for 30 mins and then send you out with antipsychotics. This world is hell but at least it's nice to know there are some people who give a shit out there.


I think my keyboard just died.
I can't even pry the damn thing open, it's old as fuck and has those additional plastic latches that are so tight my fingers keep getting pinched in the space between the two halves of my keyboard to the point of bleeding.
I'm typing this with the on-screen keyboard, which is oddly relaxing, I must admit.


I would like to speak with you, do you have a discord?


>Bach: 6 Suites for Cello Solo
wow, that shit is lit


It's amazing how intense and rapidly changing my moodswings are.
I go from crying over absurd nature of all existence and my terribly lackluster life before bed to emotional flatline with occasional dips in the form of suicidal ideation and minor thoughts of despair, fits of rage over the smallest things the next day, to strangely uplifted moods and increased activity in the evening of the same day I experience the flatline.
This shit is so fucking intense. It's not the first time I experience this either. Not sure if years of stress and poorly treated depression have took their toll on my nerves.


always consumed with doubt, dealing with endless problems. searching for some significance in the noise.
i don't know why i was born, and i assume my death will be equally random and meaningless.
this life is a series of strange plays acted out across the stage before my eyes.
just a tool working in the machinery of some grand and hopelessly complex design.
did i cause this? did i do something to deserve this?
i don't understand anything.
why is there so much pain?


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>It's worse than you or I can ever know


Look at your body—
A painted puppet, a poor toy
Of jointed parts ready to collapse,
A diseased and suffering thing
With a head full of false imaginings.
—The Dhammapada


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I've never used Discord, or any other popular instant chat services in my life. I'm just too anxious for such things, sorry. No offense, but I don't know you. And, being that I don't you, you're simply a stranger and strangers are scary. Participating on Wizchan itself is enough of a task for me in this regard, to be honest. Not to mention that, a large part of the time, I have nothing really to say, so I don't have much to offer on a conversational level.


Yes onscreen can be nice. Helps me to not lean forward over laptop keyboard hours on end cramping my gut and mind. Just the mouse at my side. Slow and more thoughtful.

Speaking of, I have texttospeech installed if I want to read but know my eyes will just hover pass the text. I just listen or read along. Slow and pay more attention. bc robot not real human voice.


Okay anon understood. Just know you have a fan and I'm infatuated with you!


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Sometimes I get so weak I can't even close my eyes. I just lie on my bed and stare at my ceiling like


I really dislike participating at all in the real world. I live inside my head, and having to focus on external stimuli is jarring, like I am waking from a nice trance into a nightmare.

My hearing is fine, but I often have to have people repeat themselves since what they say does not sink in the first time.

God is there so much anxiety that comes with reminders of a world outside the safe, friendly one I construct.


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What an awful day this was. Even now, the stress is fucking killing me. And yet, the kicker is, nothing even really happened. I'm just an unbelievably high strung freak, who can't handle the slightest amount of "difficulty", or inconvenience that's thrown at him. I'm just all around a very stress prone individual and am pretty much entirely crippled by it, should even a relatively small amount happen to plague me. Even the pettiest little things, when enough of them manage to add up on the wrong kind of day, will usually be enough to send me into an autistic meltdown of biting myself, or slamming my head into the wall, all in a fevered & helpless desperation to try to quiet my thoughts, or release the overwhelming white knuckle tension that, in those moments, flows through every fiber of my being like searing, migraine inducing acid. Constantly teetering on the cusp of exploding & losing control completely, but never quite getting there and having that last vestige of reasonability hold me back from doing anything especially stupid. Only to further despise myself and wonder, why do I have to be like this? Why do I have to have the resilience of an unruly toddler mixed with a thin strip of easily punctured tissue paper? Nothing reminds me more of how weak, stupid pathetic I am, than how insanely manic & childishly ornery I get on random days like this and how easily triggered & prevalent my tendency towards being high strung is. I just hate it all so much. It honestly never gets any easier. It only gets worse & worse and all happens more & more frequently than I'd like. Just once it'd be nice if I could manage to just chill the fuck out and relax, but of course that never seems to happen. Instead I just stew & stew in this persistent & meandering sense of stress and feel nothing, but intense tension & discomfort all the while.


have u tried weed?


I don't know what to say aside from "I can relate". I can barely say anything else, there are so many thoughts and I can't string all of them into one coherent post. Everything you've described has become my new reality ever since my mental health noticeably worsened a couple years back. I've become quick-tempered, prone to stress and extremely irritable, something I've never been before, really. This part hits particularly close to home:
>Constantly teetering on the cusp of exploding & losing control completely, but never quite getting there and having that last vestige of reasonability hold me back from doing anything especially stupid
The physical tension I feel at such moments inside my head is an awful sensation; despite remaining somewhat in control it doesn't always stop me from losing it and I sometimes end up harming myself in one way or another or hitting objects around me, I've already done some irreversible damage to my body as a result of that, it wasn't major or noticeable to others but I regret it to this very day.
Life is unbearable to me in the condition that I'm in, but there are times when all of those feelings dissipate, even if for only an hour, and, aside from relief, I feel myself like an idiot: I can't explain why, perhaps it has something to do with how paradoxical it all is and how hypocritical I feel at times like this, again, I'm not sure why I would think that, who would point at me and call me a hypocrite for suddenly feeling good and calm for once? I'm not sure. Perhaps it's impostor syndrome which decided to extend itself onto my fucking mental illness and I feel like a fraud faking it when I feel relatively calm.
Sorry if I went off on a tangent, you've described what I've been feeling all those years perfectly and rather succinctly, which is amazing. Thanks.


once you hit something near 30 years you will drown in shame from a single memory of writing walls of deardiary fartsy texts about your deep feelings


My life has been so incredibly empty and worthless. Other people are constantly doing things and having experiences that shape them. I just sit in my room.


same, im in my mid 20's and have little life experience.


Why does creating virtually fucking anything takes so much effort and time, while wrecking shit is so much faster and easier?
All I fucking want is to be able to magically turn all of my ideas into a perfect finished product ready to be viewed or played.


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I posted earlier in the threads about how my first visit to a therapist was similar to your positive one. My latest session was him explaining how he understood my problems using different concepts from different therapy techniques, and then after I let him finish he would ask me to explain how my experiences deviated and he'd draw new models that made sense to us both. It's hard as a timid outcast to disagree with him when he says something I don't think applies, but he seems willing to actually want to understand and listen. I'm lucky I got it first time, hope yours continues to be good.


I have some very negative and unpleasant life experiences, despite being only 21. I do not feel any regret, though. Experiences, however dreadful some of them might seem, helped to shape who I am now. I'm glad I was bullied in high school. I'm glad I was a drug addict once. I'm glad I suffered all kinds of humiliations. It helped me to grow. I'm a better person, despite my periods of deep depression.


I hate the crab-cuckold complex of the modern man on the internet.

The way they insist you're worthless and other men are better than you. It feels like a mix of feminism and cuckoldry, whereas cuckoldry is yet a more malicious form of feminism taken to its natural end.

I hate the way I can't read other forums without other men throwing me under the bus because of my appearance, and insisting that attractive people are "superior." It's so superficial that it feels like it's all written by succubi, but it's the numales of modern soyciety. There's nowhere to talk anymore.



To add onto this:

Almost without fail, when a poster on some forums rubs me the wrong way, it inevitably comes out that they're not supposed to be there and are a "larper" or "infiltrator" trying to make people unhappy and others look bad.

Human beings are evil. A lot of the men on various "loser" forums are some of the most evil people on planet earth.


Seems like things are going fine for you? If you went over the worst depression symptoms at only 21 years old than you are more than lucky. For most people shit just starts then. Everything before 20 is inane anyway and doesn't really count as 'life experience'.


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My mind is decaying, thoughts start and end abruptly, I don't want to live like this but all I do is keep destroying myself


wizchan 2019


Anybody here going/been through college? How did you study and how much did you study? I want to attend college but barely want to put the effort in it. I'm only going to college just for my parents sake, it's at least better than being screamed at


I've been to community college, the first few semesters will be easy, then eventually you will get into more advanced courses and you won't pass unless you study a bit



5 years community college. I pretty much cheated tbh. Go and google the test answers. I've never studied, and I regret it, of course, but I just wanted death, so it kinda makes sense.

Honestly, you'll get nowhere with this. You might as well become a wageslave and move out. If you have no ambitions, hobbies, or motivation to get more money, you'll just die. Staying in the same place, mentally or physically, is just waiting for death.

Do something though. Anything. Be free of those who control you now and be free of society by having a job.


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I have high functioning autism, which makes it uniquely difficult for me to communicate with people because it is just mentally impossible. Along with impaired speech, I have crippling anxiety, which makes me prone to being paranoid and depressed all the time, always thinking something unexpected and bad is going to happen to me.

I constantly worry about losing my job, my car breaking down, getting into an accident, not having insurance, getting ridiculed and getting kicked out. There is a constant battle within me, on one side I want to give up and commit suicide and on the other where I live a lonely wizard lifestyle, with no friends, no family and getting increasingly isolated from society.

How long before I go insane?


tried getting neetbux?


I'm a fucking retard, writing on a long dead thread, how the fuck did I even do that. Anyway, >>203632, if you're still around:

Completely forgot I even wrote here, but somehow I recognized >>203615 as my own post. Seems like there's a lot of things in common between us - my earliest memories at this point is from when I was around 17. I'm 24 now. Everything before is a mess of fragments that I don't think they even belong to me. Everything after as well, but it's just a bit more cohesive there. My own name felt like it doesn't belong to me, so I gave myself a new one. Maybe one day I'll legally change it as well. My thoughts, my writings are all in English now, despite that I technically have 2 native tongues. I have no attachments to my parents/relatives, they're complete strangers to me (it doesn't help that they just screech at me whenever I bring up my problem). I don't have a diary, but I only started to acknowledge that shit is about to hit the fan in my brain about 2 years ago, maybe? At this point I just want to move out to a different place, or even a different country, and start anew. Whoever was before me died, I'm now me.


I just wish I had a friend, just one.


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I have a few internet friends, It's wasn't worth it. I'm going to disappear again. Near isolation, oh how I've missed it. I was okay then, maybe some insanity and suffering here and there but not as much as this. It's better to be alone. Even my old job ruined me. I was better as an isolated hikikomori. I was much better. I'm ruined now. Jaded immensely. I need to be isolated again, maybe my old self will return, maybe a new self will grow, however unlikely.


File: 1567458418614.pdf (223.16 KB, Intro-REBT.pdf)

Thoughts on REBT?


Just realised that I've never felt love or even lust towards any 2d succubus in all those vn's I have played and anime I've watched. I play/watch them mainly because I feel envious of the mc's having the willpower and energy to go on adventures and to do heroic deeds for their succubus. If I were in their shoes I would've likely killed myself the moment a true challenge appeared. A shame my life is filled with normal boring challenges like roaches in my kitchen or not being able to live independently. They make my life miserable, but not miserable enough to make me get off my ass and deal with them, one way or the other.


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I find posts like these allow me to better countenance my isolation and appreciate the fact that, besides my parents, I'm completely alone. And, at least as far as needless human interference is concerned, am completely free. Granted, I might, and sometimes do, lose myself at certain times, however momentarily it lasts, in wishing for an online acquaintance, or acquaintances, of some kind to converse with, or play the odd game with, but, deep down, I know that it'd be more trouble than it'd be worth to acquire/deal with and that I'd only wish to reoccupy the position of complete isolation I currently find myself in.

It's a moment like now where I take great relief in the fact that I've never found myself encumbered or enchained by such things, having never reached out or made even the smallest acquaintances, let alone friends, online, or in the flesh. If it's a choice between the hassle of others, or the hassle of complete isolation, I'll take the latter every time. It's cleaner, it's simpler, and, best of all, it's easier. Drilling right down to it, the path of least resistance will always be the most favorable option for me. That alone pretty much explains how, for a little over 12 years now, I've lived as an eternal shut-in, who sees even the term hikikomori as being inadequate to describe how nearly total my isolation has been and still is. It's a gift, frankly. The greatest gift, death aside. A gift to be cherished. Even when I feel like shit. Especially when I feel like shit, it's paramount to remember the obvious. That being, of course, that the alternative, (other people), could only ever be worse. Whenever I do something stupid or cringey, I can let my isolation comfort me like a warm blanket. Secure in the knowledge that I'm in a tiny universe on to myself, with no one around to preform for, or engage with, or feel embarrassed in front of. It's truly wonderful, as much as life itself is truly awful. I'm doubly fortunate that my parents are as on to ghosts themselves, most days.


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You worded what I feel wonderfully. I'm not going to work again, I'm not involving myself with humanity anymore. I was destroyed and punished for doing both.

I'm going to spend what's left of my short life indulging myself completely in my escapist hobbies. I never enjoyed anything else outside of this. I never felt anything wonderful outside of my fantasy. And there will never be anything interesting in reality as in my fiction.

Once my parents go I'll go with them. There's no way I can leave them first as pitiful as they are even if it would spare me further pain.


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The Last Act of the Human Comedy: https://www.truthdig.com/articles/the-last-act-of-the-human-comedy/

I love reading stuff like this. Makes me wish Ligotti had a weekly column of some sort for me to look forward to & enjoy, with him commenting on the current chaos of the world & the spastic flailing & unending absurdities expressed in what is, almost certainly, humanities final hours on this dismal little planet.

The author of this article, (Chris Hedges), by contrast, can be such a bloated windbag. He has a refreshingly cold realism when it comes to these sorts of things, but it's always spoiled by his usual pollyannaish & delusional screeds about the sacredness of nature & "justice for the planet", or how we should "affirm life in the face of death", or, most insane of all, calling for people to "resist" even in the face of acknowledging how utterly hopeless it would be, but to do it anyway because there's some mystical & ephemeral quality in the act of "resisting", when, in reality, it would simply be a futile, useless, self-defeating & masturbatory gesture towards a great big nothing. I also find his stance as an environmentalist to be quite laughable & hypocritical since he's a multimillionaire with like 5, or 6 kids, who through that alone, has done more to harm the environment than I, as an efilist hermit, who both hates & laments nature as a whole, cheering on the potential omnicide that is to come, could ever begin to match. In the reverse, I've actually done more, simply through my mere existence as an inert shut-in, to safeguard the planet than he, or any other self-avowed environmentalist, could ever even hope to match. Just another punchline to the bad joke that is this planet, I suppose.


Do you fap to 2d succubi?


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Cheers, wiz. Fuck, i just wish my parents would die before 2030.
>going to spend what's left of my short life indulging myself completely in my escapist hobbies
Yeah, if only boredom wasn't a thing.


The slowness of this site depresses me. No one to talk to.


>Yeah, if only boredom wasn't a thing.
Not the guy you replied to, but I rarely feel boredom when I daydream and fantasize in general. The ideas I come up with aren't necessarily genius or refined, but that's part of the fun.
It's also a great tool of expanding on ideas of others: for example, I listen to soundtracks of games I've never played and will never play and try to imagine what kind of situation it is made for, I read game wikis, read a bunch of articles about a random monster and maybe a single plot point, get inspired and try to fill in the blanks. It's a great way to pass time, I think.
One thing that bothers me though is my desire to actualize some of them that I get from time to time. It saddens me because I can't draw, can't sculpt, I don't know any skill that could help me bring these ideas to life.


>try to imagine what kind of situation it is made for, I read game wikis, read a bunch of articles about a random monster
Well lucky for you, but i guess this is some form of autism and is rather rare.
(Hey, if you are not yet familiar with Undertale, give it a try. I was just reading it's wiki, and this shit seems bottomless).
In my case i think daydreaming (usually some comics/games/animation ideas) is spoiled with the need of a story or plot twists to be super new, and as i've consumed fucktons of media in my life, it's borderline impossible to think of anything that original.
>It saddens me because I can't draw
Things like '12 oz. Mouse' and 'Megahex' exist, so maybe one day you can try making it however ugly. And post here.

just as planned



> I don't know any skill that could help me bring these ideas to life

Try learning music production? It can be very fun. You don't need talent or money, trust me, just pirate that Fruity Loops and…


Thanks for the Undertale wiki recommendation, I'll look into it.
I once tried asking how one should tackle learning music in /music/, reading other posts asking for advice and watching videos, it boils down to just playing around with the instrument first and then learning music theory as you go.
The problem is, I don't have a synthesizer or a keyboard I could use, there are some cheap ones, but these are usually kids models or ones that have a limited amount of keys.


You can use a software synth (they're easy to pirate or you can use a free one). To play notes, you can use your laptop keyboard. Sequencers also exist

With enough effort, it is indeed possible to make good music without any money


Our dumbfuck parents shouldn't have brought us into the third world poor shitholes.


it just occurred to me that one of my problems may be- i'm spreading myself too thin. i was thinking about how i never am really able to succeed at anything, and how i'm amazed at the sometimes encyclopedic knowledge that people can display about their passionate subject. i, having no particular passion, have resorted to "dabbling" in a number of different areas- a jack of all trades, master of none type deal. so, it makes sense that i will often forget big chunks of things that i did, not understand basic concepts, etc. maybe what i am missing is that full level of investment into a singular purpose. i don't know how to acquire the passion to do that though.

for example, i was watching an interview with an old programmer who has been working on games for decades. i found myself trying to analyze his mindset. one of the lines he mentioned was something along the lines of "i just loved programming from when i was a teen, it was a feeling like 'i want to do this and only this until i die, you know?'" no, i don't know. i can't relate to this feeling. the idea of enjoying something so much that i would be able to devote my whole life to it, seems like an alien notion to me. and this lack of focus may be one of the issues that's truly holding me down in my current shit situation.

whenever i suggest to myself, "i should study computer topics," there is always some excuse, a resistance to overcome. "i'm too tired." "i don't feel like it." "i'd rather do something else instead." "after i'm done with this." "i'm hungry." always something is standing in my way, trying to convince me that i would be wasting my time, that i wouldn't get anything out of my efforts. that i don't have the energy, condition, or inclination to make the most of my studies. but maybe i don't need to make the most of them. maybe i just need to get "good enough" results out of them, and maybe just "sticking with it" every day is more important than getting a really good session in once every few months.

i have made this theory now, i wonder whether i will end up doing anything about it.


Same here, wiz. I know how bad it sucks, but it's not necessarily natural for humans to follow one dsciplined path like that. I mean, throughout most of history, humans just did what they had to do to survive, and played some games or something. Nowadays, everyone is expected to be a genius master at something. Food for thought, perhaps.


I think I get tortured in my sleep by the devil. Every morning I wake up and have to meditate to break from the state my mind is when I wake up. I use it as like a mind wipe because my head is full of fuck.


This is your brain on Christianity.


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It's very hard to be a good, selfless person in this world. But I want to do it. If for nothing else, then at least as an act of rebellion to this world. I want to scream into the void "You can take everything from me, drag me down and beat the shit out of me, but you won't turn me into a bad person". So long as I have that, I win. And the world, which desperately wants to destroy all that is good, loses.


"Good" and "bad" do not exist


They do. No amount of philosophical mental gymnastics is going to change that.


happy 18th birthday, lad


You're lucky we're in a general and I don't want to start an off-topic derail. If this was some other thread, I would have destroyed your simplistic beliefs with my superior intellect.


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you just made my day, wizzie


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so much truth in one post.


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I don't like the idea that i was born an idiot and i can't do nothing about it. It's not even an idea but a reality.


Anyone here getting taunts from normies? I got taunted and I wanted to maul the fucker but I just eyeballed him for a few seconds.


Pain bad, good feelings good.


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try the average #HACKER / unabomber outfit


I don't want to intimidate people lol, I just got frustrated I didn't see blood, doesn't matter who it belongs. I would also both decisions honestly.


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I meant regret both decisions. To clarify I'm just angry I didn't got a chance to fight because cops and I'm doing a chore. Sorry for the bad writing.


I do occasionally but I let it go as hard as it is if it hit a nerve because it's a trap, they want you to react that way. Doesn't matter who's right, look who has the social power and is going to be right no matter what because everyone is on their side by default, they know this. It's never about right or wrong with normies, the more you come to terms with this the easier it gets to move on from being so petty like them.


I already know that but I can't change the way I feel at least for now. I think you're right that this is just pettiness. Sometimes I think I'm above this emotion.


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lol friendshiphurt


There is no such thing as truth, only interpretations.


drake and josh is over


what a piece of garbage




Thats an unproven truth claim.



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americans don't know loyalty and less friendship. They live for themselves only, and act in accordance to what it suits them best. Drake should've known better to not befriend an american. Josh is proof of american cancer culture that is spreading more and more at an alarming rate thanks to hollywood, the internet, smartphones, facebook.


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Is this some gay celebrities break up i should not even bother reporting for derailing the thread cuz well wizchan 2019?


Spending all day trying to fix my brain


Has anyone here taken SSRI/SNRI and an antipsychotic at the same time? My current SNRI is causing me to have mania. I have a few bottles of different antipsychotics I can try but I just wanted to know if anyone did this combo before


I've been so fucked up lately that I've been mixing Prozac with Valiium and taking it recreationally.


I don't think prozac is a recreational drug


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Not to sidetrack further, but-


Avoid crab forums. Crabs want to pull you into their bucket. Crabs hate themselves and want you to hate yourself like they do themselves.

Crabs = Feminism, from another angle


Most people posting on crab forums aren't even real crabs. They are "larping" to hurt you, slander you, make you look bad by association, get at you from "the inside," or to entertain themselves.

You see this when someone confronts this obvious truth and they get dogpiled by the lying masses.


I just find it so weird how crabs politicized so heavily the whole "loser guy" sphere. I remember when it was pure, untainted by the worry of being some activism bullshit. Now you don't have a choice, you either have to pretend you aren't an outcast at all, or deal with stupid fucking crabs trying to talk to you about hypergamy and other bullshit. I just wanna be an outcast in peace, damn it. Let me talk about anime, and other stuff, without trying to radicalize me damn it.


Can't wait until AI gets sophisticated enough that I can trick my brain into thinking I am socializing by talking to one so I don't have to deal with utter scums on the internet anymore, or at least for user's profiling to get so good everybody can be shoved into little boxes of social media filled with people they actually like.


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We've all already heard how depression shrinks your hippocampus and frontal lobe, but what about this?
It honestly never ceases to amaze me how awful depression is, and to think we've barely scratched the surface of the bloody thing.


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I wasted all options even group therapy but when in therapy you are the biggest lost case I guess its game over
like there isnt therapy for people with fucked up life like me all I saw there were failed normalfags who had small hiccup in life


I just want some drugs.


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I know this feel all too well


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Great, now the kids next door have gone from disturbing the front of my/my parents property to climbing our fence and sneaking around our backyard.


I just want to get high. I have a few grams of indica right here, but I haven't smoked in a month. Trying to get a job, not because I want to but because I have no other choice. Stay NEET as long as you can, wizzies.

Are you legally allowed to shoot trespassers where you live? If so, that might be a good option.


I hate shitty bipolar disorder I hate my brain


How absurd.


Depression is so paralyzing. I wish none of this existed.


I live in a suburban like city in eastern Canada, so probably not. I should look into some way to secure my home though


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Depression really is a fucking terrifying curse, I always think of suicide and death for no reason and wish my miserable life would end, nothing is working out for me and I don't feel happy about anything anymore.


This is what happens when something slightly doesn't go my way


I hate my brain


Death is happiness. Death liberates all the suffering that exists.


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"Bad" doesn't even begin to describe the time you will have


While watching anime and playing video games I feel nothing, I don't relate to the characters or really care what happens I guess I'm just wasting time. When I was younger I really cared about what I consumed and loved it but now it's just another meaningless task.


I just wanted to say that this isn't true about all Americans. Some are like that, but some of everybody are like that. I bid you not to write off the United States as some evil, cancerous place where everyone is terrible. Most of us are just normal folk.


I understand that feel. Maybe you need some kind of fulfilment other than these things. Try creating something, anything. Keep trying to create something even if you feel like the thing you're making isn't good. That might fulfill you more.


I'm not very creative. I tried to just talk into a camera for s YouTube video and I couldn't think of anything to say.


Everyone seems to hate me. Even my own mother hates me. I am ready to run away from everything and live the rest of my life away from people.


the mood pendulum swings again, now I can’t stop crying, twice yesterday and then three times today. Just a few days ago I think it was I felt so up that I just made a stupid decision and cut myself a bunch, I was so crazy that it didn’t even hurt, but what an idiotic thing to do

I also hate how my parents can somehow tell that I’m upset, they know I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder but they still ask what’s wrong and why my mood just suddenly changed over night, since I feel depressed I’m also low self esteem so it feels awkward, I just wanna tell them that it’s because my brain is broken but it’s like they can’t understand that


Hearing my mom having conversations with the dog like he was an actual human being makes me want to chop her head off.


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Wizchan is not perfect, but it feels like I can have a serious discussion here. And the fact that certain memes such as that annoying green frog are banned here, makes the website more tolerable.

I just wish the users here were less hostile to each other. if you have nothing interesting to say and if you think certain threads don't belong here, just report it. No need to insult others.

>muh safe space

Yes, I want this website to be a safe-space because if I wanted to be part of a community with people who have nothing in common with me, I wouldn't be on Wizchan, I'd on Instagram, Facebook or whatever.

And as someone who used to watch A LOT of anime, I've grown to despise it. The more depressed I get, the less I want to see a 2D succubus smiling. I know it's been part of this website since forever, but it's hard for me to take people who post anime pictures seriously. Not saying that it should be forbidden, just saying that I tend to ignore posts with anime pictures, even though I used to be an otaku myself a few years ago. And I don't mean to offend anyone, because, as I said, I'll ignore your post but not insult you.


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Out of all places, only Wizchan feels like home


come lick


well don't you go to websites that have more serious policy instead of those? you think chans are more intellectual than facebook?
you think you're so MATURE?


I've noticed that the more obscure or technically literate you have to be to get to a site, the better off it tends to be.

Which, somewhat ironically, means that I've had a lot of success in getting decent conversation on darkweb forums. At the very least, slow boards are an absolute requirement.


>if you think certain threads don't belong here, just report it. No need to insult others.
Reporting a thread does nothing. Rulebreaking threadsnot gonna even mention them, you know what threads i am talking about stay despite reporting them a hundred times. At least when you reply with 'wizchan 2019' you have some semblance of truwizard feedback on the site.


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There's nothing worth a serious discussion.


is that what kids like you believe nowadays? colored pills? lmao


yep you got me grown up man who says "lmao"


>immaturity is bad
This doesn't work on wizchan where 90% of the userbase are anime-watching neets who hate work and their parents.


that's not what i meant, but think whatever you wish


What even am I?
This question has paralyzed me to the point where I can't even do simple math. The numbers seem too abstract for me.
What I'm saying is I don't seem to have a rock solid base of being to develop knowledge from so everything feels like I'm just playing around with phantasms.


its really bad when you have to wake up in the morning to your mom screaming to the dog and the dog barking at her.


I know that feel.


>you think chans are more intellectual than facebook?
you think you're so MATURE?

Yes, I do. Anonymity is a blessing.


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>took 20mg of Valium
>slept like a baby
>woke still feeling great

>muh jewish pill

Fuck you, nigga, I just wanna get comfy.


Enjoy building tolerance and dependency.


How do I get them prescribed?


My father knocked up my stepmother. Oh boy.


Are you living with them? A kid sibling can be fun, but with wizards' luck you're probably in for hell.


Makes me wonder what it's going to be like to grow up in the 2020s. Sounds so futuristic.


What do you do when your mind and body are deteriorating, and everything you try ends in failure? Where else is there to turn?


stop trying to succeed, just focus on making things as painless as possible in the present




>what? best selling book of all time? most followers worldwide? never heard of it.


I was talking about morality


I could be one of this fuckers. thankfully I'm not :)


Benzos do nothing besides making you sleepy. No matter which hour, you'll fall asleep 20 minutes after taking them.


My parents are kicking me out of my room so they can give it to my criminal sister who got pregnant conveniently while she was waiting to get charged for the theft of about $20,000. Well, I say my "room" but my actual room is one that I share with my two little brothers and basically just crash on a bed in the corner. There's nothing in there that's actually mine. The space she's getting was this area in the basement where I have my desk, not of course my OWN room but a shared space which everyone, including me, is getting cleared out of to make room for a druggie felon whore.


it depends on your anxiety level, if you have no anxiety they will put you to sleep, if you are anxious then you can take high amounts and just feel normal

this is my problem with benzos, I can never take a consistent dose, sometimes I will take 2mg of klonopin or xanax and I will feel completely normal just with no anxiety, sometimes I'll take the same dose and fall asleep, sometimes I take a dose too low for the situation and it does nothing at all


Had a dream last night where mai waifu was raped by some dude. She was the most precious person to me in my life. Nothing was sacred to me except her. And now it's all over. She's dead to me. Just because my douchebag brain decided to give me a shitty dream.
I don't have the energy to look for a new one, and I kinda don't want to. I will mourn her death until I forget her(don't think i will).
Now there is no anchor in my life, nothing to fall back to.
Fuck this gay earth.


That wasn't a dream. That was an ad. They want you to stop buying soy products.


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owned hard


there's soy in alot of food. you can't escape Big Soy.


watching this made me feel better about my dead end wageslave job and pathetic life


>Had a dream last night where mai waifu

Grow the fuck up.



Get the fuck out of here. You're the human trash making this place worse.


>Nowadays, everyone is expected to be a genius master at something. Food for thought, perhaps.
Probably because education system demands you having a predesposition towards something, like serving people in a hotel or programming face recognition software. But if you haven't figured out what you wanna do before school ends, you're royally fucked.


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