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Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
Akira Yamaoka - Ripe Black Soul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44IHB8qSUJ4
Don't even bother. Unless your brain is wired in a certain way you won't be able to draw good.
Think you might have imagined the second bit. Season 13 episode 21 01:18 is where he says he has a new system. Maybe second part happens during the episode but I don't know.
Why am I like this
I never bandage either, there are blood stains all over my sheets because I just let myself bleed, never got an infection, I just clean the knife with alcohol beforehand
It took me about 9 years of compulsively scratching myself until I bled to get an infection. When I got one it spread all around my body and I couldn't stop myself picking the wounds so I had the infection for about a year and a half flaring up. I've only just started to beat the infection and keep the wounds closed. Sometimes it takes a long time.
>I just clean the knife with alcohol beforehand
I use a cliched hand razor, but I never clean it. When I'm not using it I just set it aside nearby, on top of some tissues. I've actually never got any blood on it funnily enough, but I'd imagine there's still lots of skin bacteria on it. After a long time has passed I'll end up grabbing a new one from the plastic block of other razors I have, which I also don't bother cleaning, even though I probably should. >>209166
>It took me about 9 years of compulsively scratching myself until I bled to get an infection.
That must hurt. Next to cutting, I also sometimes bite myself, but for no matter how long, or how hard I've done it, I've never managed to draw blood. Just really bad bruises. Closest I got to blood was by biting the thinner skin near my hand, but even then all it did was leave a couple nasty looking marks. I should probably be thankful I never breach the skin though, since that might lead to an infection, what with mouth bacteria at play & all.
>When I got one it spread all around my body and I couldn't stop myself picking the wounds so I had the infection for about a year and a half flaring up.
All around your body? What does that mean? Like all your scratches/cuts were infected at the same time? Was there puss & blood & stuff? Did you have flu-like symptoms, or something? How did you put up with that for so long?
>I've only just started to beat the infection and keep the wounds closed. Sometimes it takes a long time.
Did you ever take antibiotics? Is it because you kept scratching the wounds open again that it took so long to get under control?
As an aside, I remember this one time when a wizzie posted this video in an old self-harm related thread of a guy whose arm was basically half necrotic due to how much he was cutting, with him even still cutting regardless of how bad it was. Even for me, that was pretty nasty. Doubt it'll ever get that bad for me, but, even so, I've sometimes been concerned about how I'll probably end up looking like Sam Neil at the end of Event Horizon someday, given how moderately addictive it is & how loose I am when I do it. The presence of my mother holds me back from going truly overboard with it, so I just try to stick to place where she won't notice. If she weren't around, I'd imagine that I probably would've marked up my chest, both arms, neck, or maybe even my face by now, which is why I mentioned the whole being concerned about someday looking like a hell-spawn Sam Neil type thing, after I stop giving a fuck and just give into the self-defeating insanity of it completely.
Thanks for researching it. It seems so real, I feel something like it must have happened in The Simpsons. Guess the only way to find out would be to watch the whole series over again. Watching Simpsons reruns used to be my hobby. But since I started watching everything online its been years since I watched an old episode. I can't tolerate anything less than HD. And FXX never seems to have the older seasons On Demand.
Everything is kind of shit and I wish it wasn't.
I can already tell that I'm not going to sleep tonight again. After a few hours of tossing and turning I can usually tell. It just never gets any better. I think something is seriously wrong with me.
Try sleeping on your right side. It usually helps me personally.
Infections can travel around your blood. So it started in my leg and then I got chest infections where my heart was hurting and I had fluid in my lungs, and the wounds on my other leg started going like it.
I didn't have a serious puss infection in my wounds just kept leaking clearish fluid all day so i had to change my socks and trousers because they'd get soaking wet. The large areas of infection on my leg started growing long black unshaped hairs and then areas stopped growing hair at all. I guess I had flu symptoms and other stuff. Some days pains, some days trouble breathing, some days fatigue. I went through a few cycles of antibiotics which helped but then id pick the scabs or scratch open all the healed wounds and it came back. The doctors didn't really understand so I didn't like going back to explain. It was the scab picking and picking around the wounds that made it last, I had the same wound open for months at a time. Once you've got an infection subsequent infections are more common. I'm a depressed suicidal neet so it didn't really make much difference to me.
My mother was begging me saying if I didn't stop I'd lose my leg or I'd die. I sat in bed at night truly thinking id wake up dead from the heart pain but you know what, I'd wake up and scratch until there was blood running down my leg. I was crazed. My big wound is healing but I'm still picking little scabs on my other leg every few days and bleeding. I stopped pulling my toenails out a while ago but I struggle to kick this. I'm making progress now I'm doing better with my depression episodes where I'm in intense mental pain. I'm just a rabid dog really. Nothing anyone says really stopped me so I don't have useful advice, but it sucks. Wherever I scratch my leg I get the intense feeling that my leg is itchy and I need to scratch or, I could undo weeks of healing on one bad night.
In a fit of sheer stress, I ended up cutting off most of my wizardly mane of hair the other night. I've had long hair for many years now, but, as a hermit who never goes anywhere, it more just happened by accident as a result of my lifestyle. I'd actually been intending on cutting it for a while now due to how much of a hassle having long hair is for me to personally to deal with, (occasional tangles, takes longer to clean/dry during & after a shower, need to constantly have it tied up in bun so it's not in the way, etc.), but I'd always hold myself back in the fear I might immediately regret it once the deed was done and there was no going back. Well, long story short, but tonight was a different story. I just grabbed the scissors and started cutting and, before I knew it, my precious mane was all piled up in a lump in the sink beneath me. At that point, it sorta hit me how impulsively foolish this action that I'd just taken was and, next to cringing at myself, I began to get a bit anxious & regretful.
Fortunately, and as pathetic as it might sound, my mother came to the rescue and managed to sort it out to such a point where I actually now look a 100x better than I did previously with long hair. Even though, truth be told, she's actually a large part of the reason why I went into such a flurry to cut it in the first place, since, for a little while now, I've required her assistance when it came to drying my once long hair, which, itself, had led to a ton of prior stress. I got sick of asking her to do it, and she got sick of the actually having to do it, so it was inevitable that this would happen sooner or later. When it comes to the other night, I just couldn't stand the bullshit of it all any longer so, as I said, in a fit of stress I just finally decided to cut it, so as to, mainly, liberate myself of needing to hear one more word from my mother about how "unjustly" fucking put upon she is and she'd often throw that in my face whenever I asked her to do it.
Anyway, as it stands, I currently have a look most resemblant of pic related and I find it actually suits me quite well. I'm still a bit depressed about losing my former, more wizardly look, but even on the basis of the comfort/convenience level, things are so much better now. I still like the idea of long hair, but actually putting up with the maintenance of long hair is just too much to ask, at least for me. The fact that I don't have to do up my hair in a towel anymore & wait 10-15 minutes before needing to have my mother come & dry it is fucking wonderful. Now it's just 15-30 seconds with the hair dryer and boom. Done. No fuss at all. Exercising will also be way easier now as well, along with the proceeding shower afterwards. For a while now I've only exercised once every few days due to the presence of my long hair. With it gone, I'm free to do it every day if I want, which is quite freeing. If anything, now that I think about it, I actually wish I'd cut it sooner.
I just deleted 60+ gb of porn. Most of them images that I curated on an individual basis over the span of a few years. The last few times I did that, I scrambled over the remains with a data recovery software and wasted a lot of time sorting it. This time will probably end up the same way but I gotta try you know.
Good on you for trying. I know you can do it.
wayyy to late
you can't change habits like this
that's the weird thing about habits. they can change. they do, actually. most people haven't noticed that they have a new habit of thinking about politics. normies didn't used to do that.
Feeling fucking awful.
That's silly, but whatever you feel like you need to do, I guess. Personally speaking, I find that curating & adding to my now 220+ GB porn vault can often be a comfy time waster. Where would be the sense in deleting it? I'd just keep jacking off to random shit online, anyway. Then again, I really don't get the issues some wizzies here have with fapping in general, beyond loss of energy. Lack of energy doesn't bother me though, so whatever.
Who cares? All of us are going to be erased from history once technology allows perfection and every single person alive today will be forgotten as subhuman.
I still can't get over the dumb actions of mine which resulted in me permanently damaging my body or getting a chronic condition which I could have completely avoided had I been more careful or prudent.
Makes me want to blow my fucking brains out.
Could you elaborate?
almost 3k dislikes on that video…who the hell are those people are even?
it's nice that we have a demo of what it actually looks like. What we will never have: dying with dignity and with your close family or friends.
My grandfather died from heat attack for instance, but in a horrible conditions, where the medical staff were just waiting (makes me think that they were delaying and stalling intentionally, like he would die anyway type of thing). Not a surprise for a almost third world country like this.
And it's not pretty at all. Guess there should be also a demo of regular non-assisted death for normalgroids to show…
I've been using a pillow case (that I use to cover my seat so my gross bare fatass doesn't defile my nice chair) and a cum towel (usually clean it maybe once a month) for YEARS and only recently have wondered if people even noticed how the same pillow case and towel are always lying around my room
To be fair, I'm in my room enough that I dont think people ever get a good look at it, and I usually toss them to the side or in my closet, but I kind of wonder how noone has ever noticed or said anything.
The worst shit was when we threw away my old desk tho cuz that shit had hella cumstains on the bottom side. Noone said anything except my brother, and I just said I spilled coffee or something.
I'm also sure my brother found my gatorade piss bottle maybe 7-8+ years ago. Not a big bottle pisser now and havent been for years but I wonder if he even remembers or if he even seen it in the first place
I thought about this thing recently: if I were to get professional help someday, if I were to talk with a shrink about my suicidal ideation and were confronted with a question "Why exactly do you want to kill yourself?" I wouldn't be able to answer. I'd look like a complete angsty bumbling retard.
I've never considered the philosophy of suicide. Even if I were to talk about myself, personal reasons why I want to kill myself, I wouldn't be able to produce anything of worth, all thoughts I've ever had on the topic were rather shallow or I forgot them already.
This is actually pretty bizarre. This imaginary therapist of mine hardly provides any arguments himself, but it feels like I've lost regardless; all the while I know and feel that I'm suffering, I've been suffering for years, things aren't exactly looking up, and that I would gladly end my life. I feel it, kind of acknowledge it, but can't articulate it all properly and in a way that would be convincing and irrefutable, so much so it would floor the doctor immediately and he'd pay for my euthanasia out of his own pocket.
Why must it be so hard?
No, learn to cook simple recipes. Rice + eggs and some vegetables everyday is probably healthier than mcdonalds.
Would watch it, but there doesn't seem to be an available stream of it anywhere. Why wouldn't they just release it for free so that everybody could watch? That way you get the message out more. Well, whatever. Either way, I respect his courage & stoic expediency in choosing to end his life on his own terms, instead of continuing to rot away in misery like myself, too cowardly to follow suit. In the trailer, I found it quite relatable how he mentions that he often wished that he'd just die every he time went to sleep and found himself disappointed every time it didn't happen, since I do the same thing. I wish I had the strength to off myself. Even if I lived in wherever the hell he's from and had legal euthanasia assisting me like him, I'd probably still bitch out at the last second due to survival instinct, despite the fact that I hate my life and just want to fall asleep and never wake up.
Oh god. My uncle called and said he had a job opening and my dad relayed that to me and it all ended with me losing my shit and literally banging my head into a wall and screaming at the top of my lungs. I told them they had emotionally neglected me my entire life and that they were failures as parents and that it was too late to change. They can't just expect me to be normal so it reflects better on them. I am incapable of being normal. I am just barely able to not kill myself and when they act like I'm ready to just go out and work a job while I have been lying in my bed for years doing nothing, it just shows how little they know me and pisses me off even more. They have done nothing to help me, they just let me rot. "Helping" me get a job is not helping me when I know that will only make me miserable. Why didn't you help me get friends? Why didn't you help me not want to kill myself? It is so selfish and self serving that I just lost it. On the bright side, maybe they will finally realize I'm not joking when I say I'm not mentally healthy enough to work a job and finally stop trying.
This city is an empty glass
they out of all people know that it's impossible after ruining my life genetically.
I cannot stomach being around people, because it makes me anxious as hell. The little human contact I have to bear is too much as it is and I want to retreat back where I can be alone and drink away the pain. I dread going outside my bubble. I wish I was invisible - a ghost, in a friendly place, or dead. I do not feel safe.
Thought I'd gotten better, just lost 7 days to depressed stupor.
there is no cure
depression is when you finally understand that you are not fit for this shit world, that you don't belong here and have no future
that is depression
you cannot cure that with pills and the doctor telling you
>well jimbo, you were born to a shit situation but when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade out of it
or you can press them in the eyes of cheeky cunts
>It feels like the choice is between feeling horrible and not doing anything or feeling horrible while also having to spend extra effort.
this right here is my current dilemma in a nutshell. I kept up with it for years until finally all hope that I could ever change was extinguished for me. Now what is the point? Like you said it's just being miserable with more work. Same for getting a job or doing anything, all it will do is make me even more exhausted and drained.
Wrong. I had depression for over five years and I cured myself by studying philosophy and metaphysics and realizing that the materialist worldview that is pushed on everyone in this society is nothing but unsubstantiated dogma.
It's amusing that my parents continue to toss ideas at me. Stuff like going to college, becoming a comedy writer (my parents think I'm really funny for some reason. I can't understand it. my memes never go anywhere), or managing some business. I don't know where they get this stuff.
Their enthusiasm comes off so naive that I can only nod curtly and say yeah, maybe it will happen. It's like I'm a paraplegic and they're still talking about me going back to bike riding soon. I'm paralyzed mom and dad. I'm not going to walk again
Good for you. I hope that you won't be pushing your medicine to every depressed or incredulous person, not that I am accusing you of doing so.
Goddamn. Goddamn. Fucking weather shit. How the hell is it this cold a few dozen kilometers away from the equatorial line. Even sleeping gives me a cold now. I swear a few years ago, it's sweltering all year round I'd wake up with a pool of sweat, now my snot is falling waterfall and I have more brain fog than I do before. Never though I'd end up blaming the weather for my shortcoming. Fucking shit.
Made an inadvertently idiotic post on some random website the other day and, perhaps rightfully so I guess, got called a retarded cunt over it, among other things. It just still hurts is all. Both being viciously insulted and not being able to recognize & prevent making a buffoon out of myself due to my own unconscious, or I guess overt as the case may be, stupidity. It's kinda crazy how, in certain instances, some people will literally tear you to shreds over the most minor of offenses, either because they're simply bored, a cruel sadist, or both. Even in this instance though, my dumbness was more a lack of me not paying enough attention, so, again, I might have deserved being called out for it, but being ruthlessly shit on to boot just felt uncalled for. Think of it like the ostracized kid who tries to make a joke he thinks is funny, but is then laughed at incessantly when it falls flat on its face, ultimately only making himself look like the joke in the process. Being a weak, out of touch, pathetically fragile individual really is a death sentence when it comes to living on this horrid planet. Either way, I'm really too much of a sensitive pansy when it comes to the internet. I've known this for ages, but I just can't seem to help feeling deeply hurt when someone is needlessly mean or cruel to me. I'm simply a wimpy snowflake. Always have been and probably always will be.
>>209261>I find that curating & adding to my now 220+ GB porn vault can often be a comfy time waster
So did I, but I don't have time to waste now. My parents are getting older, my father is already fired for being too old, the family savings are decreasing steadily, and there is no such thing as bux in a third world country. I am too much of a coward to die. I have to integrate to society. I have no problem with masturbating my whole life away if I never have problem with money but I do. Spending 4-8 hours on porn a day is disadvantageous to this end, perhaps even exclusive.
>>209327>I read a book and found enlightenment>everyone else on planet is doing it wrong
now what is next?
you cannot connect to the rest of the world because their world view is 180 degree opposite of yours