No.208386[Last 50 Posts]
Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.
Akira Yamaoka - Ripe Black Soul: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=44IHB8qSUJ4
Love this drum set.
It's always so self-defeating. Getting up each day and all the rest that flows from it. I don't even know why I bother. Ideally, I really shouldn't bother. As a pampered shut-in, I could just as easily lay there and do nothing. Of course, it wouldn't really help since, naturally, I'd still be there, encumbered with my rotten lump of a brain. Experiencing every awful moment that comes. A passive sense of hatred towards all others & a profound restlessness/discomfort in my own skin. That's all there ever is. Coming here, in particular, has, more often than not, only ever served to elevate that sense of hatred & discomfort in me and I just wish I'd stop. Even as a chronically depressed, obsessive compulsive shut-in with autism, I just feel so alone here. So very, very alone.
Either way, no one cares. Nor should they, honestly. After all, it's not like I care about anyone else, but myself. Still, I just find myself passively hating most of the user base here, in the same way I passively hate everyone on reddit, or wherever else. Nauseating bullshit here, nauseating bullshit everywhere else. Contempt & disdain is all I see. About what I say, or what others say. Wizard or normalfag, it makes no difference. Half of whom are just crazed self-improvement nuts anyway, or otherwise crazed jackanapes. The unrelenting tar of it all may as well ooze through my screen in buckets.
A cold, dry, dismally mocking laugh. That's what the atmosphere of this site has always felt like to me. Flippantly hostile, glib & irreverently sadistic. Like a smirking drunk in some divey bar taking easy potshots & tossing peanut after peanut at other sad drunks, purely for their own base amusement and because they simply enjoy being a smarmy asshole whenever they can. That's just how it's always felt to me anyway, for all these years coming here now. At this point, I can't really expect it to be any other way, except for it to be worse than it already was before, which is exactly how it's been. It what it is. I'm just a glutton for punishment it seems. That and desperate, of course.
Although, of course, not coming here wouldn't really solve anything. Sitting mute in the corner of my room, with negative thoughts swirling in my mind like a backed-up toilet, is basically my only alternative. There's no respite from myself. Wherever I go, there I am. By the same token, wherever everyone else is, there they are. As nauseating to me as they were to me the first time. But, well, there I go moaning like an infant again. "Cry little baby, cry. Nobody cares for your stupid shit. If you hate it here so much, why don't you just fuck off & leave then?" Why, indeed. Why, why, why. Where there's a why there's a why. Why's the why. Why this, why that. Why with a "?", or why with a "!", or perhaps with both or neither. Well, who can say. I might already know and perhaps some others might as well. Stupid nonsense aside, perhaps I'll never know. Maybe it's as simple as what I mentioned in the beginning. People do things that are bad for them out of desperation & habit. Certain people will feel alienated & angry after everything. Even more uniquely certain people will feel somehow confused about the simplicity of all this and make long retarded spiels like this one trying to over complicate their own pitiful masochistic tendencies. What a pointless runaround. No wonder I feel the way I do.
>There's discrimination everywhere in life, even here unfortunately. It's all just one big competition.
>I trust wizard judgement no more than I trust anyone else's. In my experience everyone is equally full of shit and equally tainted by their own self-affirming misconceptions. There are no free pats on the back here.
Just a couple random quotes taken from the wiki. Such words are a balm to my sanity. I just wish there were more of them.
When I thought things were starting to shine for me, another bomb pushed me back to the bottom. I'm not really stressed or angry, probably because of the cigar I smoked sooner, still dont mind dying though. Think I'll sleep for now, perhaps tomorrow it'll be better….
My mother says that I've stolen her happiness, that she was extremely disappointed when I dropped out of high school (for being a despondent shut-in with a nasty fear of other people). Because of me she couldn't even experience the joy of watching her only son graduate, and of course brag to friends and family that I'd be off to college to pursue a lucrative career. It's not enough that still, somehow, I've managed to will myself into wageslavery (as you can imagine it's not a good job, by any means). That most of my income goes towards sustaining us. No it's not enough, I have to have drive and ambition, become "someone". It's all just so far removed from my actual mindset, and situation really, it makes me wonder how much this person and I really understand each other. Which brings me to what I really wanted to express, that everyone in my life is a stranger. Especially the close characters such as parents, I've come to know my father as a disembodied voice over the phone to speak little nothings with once a month and as I mentioned before my mother's attitude is just strange to me, what did she think I was doing there locked in my room for all those years? All the time I spent with this person and I can't recall a single piece of advice, moment of genuine affection, a decent conversation even, none of it! I'm hoping it was just neglect, that the depression hasn't atrophied my brain so much as to erase huge portions of my memories, or dull them. It's all just tiring to think about.
Elderly people instill a nauseating sense of dread mixed with disgust in me. I could go into more detail but I'm too tired.
cramps letf my legs hurting so I can't continue doing bike exercise
You're here forever. Just stop your contempt for wizards already. Mods should ban you despite writing seemingly 'elaborate' posts. Your narcissism combined with solipsism is way too obnoxious.
People here don't like you because you act like an arrogant smug asshole, lay off the cocaine and take a look in a mirror some time.
Cocaine? What? I'm a fucking depressed, autistic hikikomori who's never done any drugs in his life. What the fuck are the both of you talking about? Am I missing something here? Who the hell are the both of you referring to? Either way, you two are some real fucking assholes for jumping down my throat like this. I feel like I just got lynched for literally nothing, aside from sounding like, I'd assume, whoever it is you think I am. In that case, the both of you can seriously go fuck yourselves. If anything, you two
should be banned for being so fucking retarded, so as to not be able to tell one user apart from another. At least now I know, on some level, how a wrongfully accused nigger feels like. I'm a victim of excessive wizzie brutality here. I want the badge numbers of these two shit heeled warlock scum. MODS! I DEMAND JUSTICE!
lol ppl like u just wanna write huge screeds about how much u hate everyone on this site and ppl like us are all scum, etc. etc. and then as soon as one of the ppl you insulted replies "hey fuck you right back buddy" you get all offended
I enjoy your humor, wizbro. They probably think you're the wizkid that was ranting about how bad anime is or whatever in the last thread. I don't know why, your typing style is different and you don't come off as condescending.
Fair enough. You have a point, I must admit. In the end I think I just hate myself for being retarded and then project it on everybody else because all I see is how retarded & annoying everything is. It wears me out and then I sometimes make self-defeating posts like this. I know that no one probably agrees with me, but I just feel like I have to say it anyway, to release all the frustrated mental diarrhea that's in my head. >>208442
Oh, I see who they were referring to. I haven't posted in the crawl thread for a while now, so I was completely clueless. Shit, now I just feel like a fool. I don't want to bring down the thread for everybody else like that asshole did. Having said that, I'll shut up now. Peace be with you my friends.
Hey wizzie, >>208425
are bullshit. I (and I'm sure a few others) enjoy your posts a lot. Keep posting if it helps you vent, this life is hard enough as it is.
My mother got this new e-cig sort of deal, a heating stick that lets you smoke without igniting the tobacco. The company that makes these says that since it "produces no smoke" it's entirely safe to be used indoors and in public spaces, unlike normal cigarettes. Now, I'm not sure about the smoke, I've never seen my mother smoke one of these but I sure smelled it, it simply stinks, smells like burned plastic or a short circuit.
I'm not a smoker myself, not only that, I suffer from terrible health anxiety, reading about second- and third-hand smoke made me so anxious I couldn't sleep for a few nights despite the fact that my mother (before she got this new device) always smoked outside or on the balcony and the smoke never really got in.
She knows about this hang-up of mine and probably expected me to take her smoking less seriously since, like I said, the research said that the aerosol that's produced during the heating of tobacco is much healthier and safer than cigarette smoke. The problem is, I don't quite trust these results because, apparently, the company that makes these sticks is Philip Morris, one of the tobacco industry's giants; and you know how easy it is for companies like these to get what they want through lobbying and forged research results.
Anyhow, I nagged her for a bit, trying to get her to smoke outside and on the balcony like she always did but I was met with animosity, she even got annoyed about me opening the windows to ventilate the room. And now I'm called an annoying burden (which I am, really). She lets me live with her and, to be frank, her complaints are kind of fair. Regardless, I want her to stop, the smell and the anxiety are driving me mad.
Not long after posting this, she & I finally went on that drive. It was very nice, actually. It's an absolutely perfect autumn night out there right now, with a fresh cool breeze in the air. I took a bit of a waltz around the particular location where we usually sit & park for a bit, all while my mother remained in the car, and I ended up looking out across the water from a nice secluded spot nearby at the random lights & things in the distance, while also listening to the waves soothingly crash against the shore of the bay. A train then came rolling by from just behind where we'd parked and, as I was on my way back, I instead proceeded to watch it pass from the grass below. Of course, as a reflex, I couldn't help, but think "Damn, there goes an easy chance to off myself", but, for the most part, I was actually quite at peace, not to mention scampering up the grassy incline towards where the tracks were would've been too much effort. I also couldn't help, but think of the scale of the irrelevant. The wind blowing through the trees, the waves lapping, the crickets chirping, a leaf tumbling across a random street (etc.). All of it still happening even as I type this. In all those little spots, in all those little areas no one ever looks at. Everywhere, all these little things happening. It means nothing though, of course. Just a random bit of nonsense that sometimes strikes me is all. Anyway, these moments I described are just the sort of variety where one can perhaps momentarily manage to lose themselves in it all, before inevitably snapping back to, which would be in my case, the grimness of my predominantly gloomy state.
Either way, I just wish I weren't so agoraphobic. It's just a quaint place, this little town. Wonderful to go wandering around in, especially on a night like this. I could never go anywhere without my mother though, which is why these occasional night drives of ours are usually so precious to me. They're basically my only exposure to the outside world and this town is like a graveyard after midnight, so it works out for the best.
I know the pain.
One of the factors that completely killed any drive for me to go somewhere with my brother or father, it's always something like>I stand in front of the house for 20 minutes like a retard while they're looking for their keys (we don't need them, because I have mine)>We stand around like retards in front of some random places because they have to play Pokemon GO>We can't just go on a walk with the dog, they have to take 20 gimmicks and constantly play around with them stopping every 100 metres.
I regretted not going alone every single time I wanted to do something and they tagged along, and I regretted every single time they invited me out to a restaurant or something. I stopped going anywhere with them years ago and every exception I make I am reminded why.
It's sad when they don't respect your time/your sleep/your schedule just because they know you'll accept it like you always did.
that sounds nice wiz, I have agoraphobia too and love going out with my mom
My sister just can't shut the fuck up
All I hear is crying and screaming. She is suffering, and so am I
I am sleep deprived from yesterday's lack of sleep and I still can't bring myself to go to sleep. My whole body is burning with heat flashes, my pulse is fast for no reason and muscles is twitchy. Even if I go to bed, I would stay up with nondescript thoughts racing across my head. I am in a peculiar and unsettling state where both deep exhaustion and aversion to rest is concurrent. I used to find escape in sleep, now I despise it. All the conventional ideas of sleep as a refresher of mind and body or sleep as a respite from the chaos of the world is no longer familiar to me. Sleep is hell. A struggle to still a burning forest with a pail of water until it decided on its own whim to be put out when it has turn everything to ashes and there is nothing left to burn.
>>208478> My whole body is burning with heat flashes, my pulse is fast for no reason and muscles is twitchy
I'm starting to realize I'm seriously mental ill. Oh well.
I spend such an insane amount of time sleeping these days. As the old Bill Hicks joke goes, "I need 8 hours of sleep a day and about 10 at night and I'm good". It's really a double edged sword, though. Being unconscious is all well & good while it lasts sure, but the having to inevitably wake up later? Worse shit in the world, man. Worse fucking shit in the world. Pic related always runs through my mind, especially if I'm too awake to fall back to sleep again, which is how it usually always is. Even moreso than that, I find there's a certain hollow agony that pervades my senses even when I'm just laying there trying to get to sleep. Perhaps it's because I have nothing better to do and thus have been heavily abusing sleep as my only coping mechanism for so long now, which, just like anything when done in excess, is becoming quite unpleasant/painful to engage in. I just feel so trapped. There's no escape from the misery I feel in this moment, nor what is inherent to daily existence itself in this dreadful void of a universe. Drugs & alcohol are poison and I have no wish to partake in them. I experimented with weed a couple times and that was fucking hell incarnate. Like I said, there's just no escape, at least none left that still work for a cretin such as myself.
>"Now what will you do?"
Again, I'm left with pic related. Shat out this stupid post. Now what? Sleep again? Then what? I can't even think of anything else. One way or another, I'll be back to sitting here. Sitting here for what feels like hours & hours, mindlessly refreshing wizchan and a couple other tabs, while perhaps browsing a few other dreadfully dull websites. Restless, uncomfortable, bored, frustrated, and wanting to tear my fucking skin off the whole time.
>"Now what will you do?"
Why does my own mind mock me so? Why does everything have to suck so bad? Why do I have to be such a lame faggot? Why can't I just be the lone wizard, happily occupying himself in his tower? The absolute ideal of all ideals. The only logical answer to this rotten hole of a universe, next to suicide. Why did entropy need to ruin everything? Why do I need to be such an anhedonic faggot? Why do I need to waste so much time & energy, staring off into space in profound discomfort like some catatonic invalid? Why am I such a defective fucking faggot? Why am I such a pitiful, stupid ass, dumb bastard, shit eating bitch, pathetic fucking cunt excuse of a wizard? I hate myself. I hate everything. I hate each passing moment. I just hate. Even when I'm my most emotionally zombified, seemingly unable to feel anything except sadness, there's still an icy cold ball of hatred in me. Even when you crack that open however, all that's left is emptiness. Boundless emptiness & depression. It's all a noxious miasma in my head.
>"Now what will you do?"
Sit here. Sit here and feel like shit. That's what I'll do. That's what I always do. There's no choice. Like a maze where each tunnel keeps leading me back to the same place. It's like the 10 minutes, or whatever the fuck, of hate from 1984, except add emotional agony to the mix and have it stretched out to basically the whole day. That's what I'm trapped in. Forevermore until the day I die because my brain's a rotten lump of shit. This guy said it all. >>>/dep/207142 Everyday my OCD attacks my psyche & wears down my sanity. I bring myself agony whenever possible. It's like I've subconsciously trained myself to do this. An auto-immune disease of the body/soul, making me a half-crazed faggot, plagued with anhedonia & all manner of wriggling mental worms that eat their way into my skull. "And the worms ate into his brain", as the old song goes (you should know which one I mean). They gorged themselves quite heartily & had their fill.
>"Now what will you do?"
Well, that's it then. Please feel free to shoot me in the head, should you ever see me. My odds are quite bad though, since I only leave the house less than 3 times a year. Please try your best, though. I believe in you & know you can do it. May my angel of death, clad in the garb of the big wizzie in the sky, visit me soon. The wishes & thoughts of a desperate, faggoty & half-crazed mind. That's all.
>"Now what will you do?"
Sorry to hear that wizzie. My mother can be quite inconsiderate, self-absorbed and rude, but usually never to have that level. The kind of shit you describe would literally drive me murderously crazy. The fact that you can live on your own & ignore them, I assume, is something I envy, at least in my own small way, since I'm too useless & helpless to live without the support of my parents. Again though, I get along with them quite well a lot of the time. It's just that they can still be assholes sometimes. In my case, my mother sincerely apologized to me, so it's all good in the end. Well, mostly anyway, since I know moments like these are bound to happen again sooner or later. Such is to be expected, though. Me & my mother have a pretty open relationship, though. I don't have to pussy foot around her, nor does she need to pussy foot around me. We're pretty upfront about our feelings, so I never have to censor myself. I call out her bullshit when she's acting like an ass, and she calls out mine when I'm doing the same. It's very freeing and I try not to take it for granted. >>208455>>208462
You're welcome. Everything I write just feels like garbled nonsense to me. Maybe it is to most. I don't know.
I'm trying to make a map of my different moods and every time I think I've got it complete another day happens where I have a totally different experience of depression. I forget they exist and then remember them. Today is the melancholic depression where I feel trapped in this existence, a deep sadness and repeated ideations of having a terminal illness and telling my family it's my time to go. Not a sadness about the future but at this feeling of existing.
Then there's the depression where everything hurts, one where my mind is burning, etc etc. Is this just normal emotions taken to the extreme? I read this week that bipolar actually means flipping from depression to mania once or twice a year, having daily mental swings where you lose connection to reality from the confusion is some thing called "ultra-rapid cycling" which doctors don't agree even exists. You don't get that impression online do you? I'm learning that other people online are the worst source of information and maybe other people in general.
This never ends does it? All this progress and I'm still at rock bottom.
Well to be fair I did do you injustice mistaking you for that other wizard. I was just scanning your post and read out your contempt for wizards. It's a different story if you reflect this knowing that this is related to your own perception. That other poster did not admit that and had no self awareness at all.
Human communication always has a tendency of failing and most of the times it really is as you said, retarted and annoying. Succeeding human interaction is the absolute exception and often it makes everything much worse so most times it's better to say nothing in my experience.
It's good to know that people don't like wizchan anymore.
I fucking wish I had a psychotic break or something like that so I would end up in a psych ward.
A lot of people say it's bad, but that can't be worse than having people yelling and talking shit at you while you're struggling to make all of your work.
I just want a pause from all of this.
Anyone feels like they're too much of a loser even by wizchan standards?
I get a bit anxious when I read the wageslave and uniwiz threads, because it reminds me that other wizards are at least doing something with their lives while I'm an useless NEET.
Bought a game from GOG Store, expected to download it via their client to use its online features. Then I found out that I need to have Service Pack 1 installed to download GOG Galaxy after having already bought the game. It's something I can't possibly do because my Windows is pirated and I'm largely computer-illiterate and can't afford going around tampering with my OS and files and whatnot.
Contacted their support services anyway, I'll try to get a refund.
All I wanted was to play some games on an alternate platform.
What have you lost? What do you think life is about if you think those people do something with it and you don't? Why do you compare yourself to others if it's a universal truth that everything in the past was necessarily leading to exactly this point and you had no chance of changing this? Comparing yourself to other people is harmful and irrational as you couldn't have been another person than you are right now. So why not rather look at how you want to lead your life now?
I'm sure you can do something about it. Don't mind the retards that will say those achievements are arbitrary. They still cope using anime and videogames achievement to measure self worth. They won't be denying said achievements when faced with starvation and constant danger.
If windows 10 is an option for you search kmspico
and register at the official forum for download.
I wanted to write a 200-word essay on how normgroid values shouldn't affect you, but since you already consider yourself a "loser" it seems that it would fall on deaf ears.
So pull yourself by your bootstraps, grow some balls, be a MAN and work work work to succeed in the rat race :^)
Go succeed in playing videogames instead and sucking up to internet cliques
if you're a loser by norm standards chances are you're a loser for real.
God isn't real friends and all this time I spent as a kid praying and singing, and going to church has been a big waste of time.
>>208539>>208544>being this asshurt over the fact that there are people who aren't slaves to the system
Why don't you guys go to the gym and workout a bit? I'm sure that that one special succubus will finally pay attention to you :^)
If you're a loser by norm standards chances are you're a loser for real.
Prove me wrong. If I'm alcoholic who never finished high school and is now homeless I'd say I'm a loser.
>>being this asshurt over the fact that there are people who aren't slaves to the system
Who said anything about slaves or being butthurt over anything? We're talking facts here, friend.
>Why don't you guys go to the gym and workout a bit?
See, you're the one who is angry or mad because reality is telling you something that you don't want to acknowledge and this is your only way to dismiss it.
>that one special succubus will finally pay attention to you
Who said anything about succubi?
I don't care about norman values, succubbi or gym, it's just that I'm getting old and the guilt is starting to get to me. I'm 30 and never had a job, while my father is 65 and is still working to this day (although just part time, but still), why should I get a free ride? Don't get me wrong, I love being a NEET and dread the day I might have to start working, but things are different when you're older. When I was 23-25 I was having the time of my life being a NEET and didn't care about a thing in the world, but now I can't avoid some hard questions: how can I help take care of my parents when they get too old? What am I going to do when they die? How is a 30yo going to get a job with no education and a 13 year gap on his resume? etc
I'm not disparaging the NEET life, in fact I love it, but it gets harder when you're older.
I wish I didn't care. I'm being crushed.
Late year autumn/winter melancholy already setting in. It's actually pretty nice at this point.
>>208546>Why don't you guys go to the gym and workout a bit?>/dep/
At the very least you have morals.
>>208547>>208549>Yes, I'm a loser
Uhh, you guys do understand that you saying that is exactly the reason why you're on /dep/? If you constantly put yourself down it will bring negative effects on your mental health. Feeling inferior to other people won't get you anywhere. In fact, it will get you two steps back.
If you have earthly desires like getting money and a job you have to be realistic, not pessimistic. While you're sitting here feeling sorry for yourself other people are taking all the comfy jobs.>if you're a loser by norm standards chances are you're a loser by some failed norm's standards
Who decides who's a loser "for real", lol?
I am anxious about confrontations with people and especially about being scolded. If there is just the tiniest possibility, that someone may scream at me, I become genuinely afraid. Now I was supposed to complete some bureaucratic work, which I don't understand. I have been putting it off for 2 months, and I don't know if I can get away with it.
This is the last time I force myself to "leave my comfort zone" and improve my life. From now on, I'll just do what I feel I can do and hope for the best.
I've always said the days blend into each other, but nowdays it feels more like the years blend into each other. Existence is a blur of futility.
Best of luck. May as well go for broke at that point, I say.
My mind has been trying to fill in the gaps of nothingness with my dreams, I often get memories confused with them. Very strange feeling, like deja vu.
Hey that's the guy from Rick and morty
Thanks, bro. It's sick.
I just didn't sleep at all last night.
I wish I was an alien or a cat or or a monster or a drawing
As I was waking up today I entered a semi-lucid, dreamlike state. Different places, people, sounds and visions from different points of my life, regardless of their significance, were flowing seamlessly one into another so believably, so coherently and in such a realistic manner. It didn't feel like a dream, it felt like I was actually there, in that dreamscape, conscious to an extreme degree, yet unable to distinguish it all from reality or influence it in any way. It all continued for a few minutes before I woke up, and I "transitioned" into the real world just as smoothly as I did between various scenes and sets of this amazing dream. This ethereal state persisted for a few minutes after I had woken up, and then my head felt a bit heavy and I was "back in the real world" again.
It was simply amazing. But at the same time I felt concerned. You know how they say that your life flashes before your eyes before you die? Having experienced something that fits this description well, I couldn't help but think of how many more details of my life that I don't remember, that are subconsciously stored somewhere deep within my memory will resurface when I die, how many more images will invade my consciousness, both pleasant and unpleasant, during these last moments of mine. It makes me apprehensive and yet somewhat more welcoming of death. All these thoughts and more were running through my mind as I was making a bread and butter sandwich.
This morning was simply surreal.
Are there any?
I know there's a lot of music that deals with those. If you're seeking for a hobby or something to do, try to understand the lyrics and their meaning.
>lose myself as I get busy and going through the motion
>suddenly enter a hyper-conscious state where I become lucidly aware that I exist in the universe as a sentient agent
All the fucking stress that's arisen over the years from the simple fact that this god damned sardine can of a house has only a single bathroom. Made worse by the fact that, for about half a decade now, my significantly overweight mother has been using our bathtub as a sort of pseudo-bidet. Or, in other words, using an attachable secondary shower-head to wash out her shit encrusted ass over the bath tub because toilet paper is too "uncomfortable", along with the fact that doing it over the toilet isn't physically possible given how fucking fat she is. The entire bathroom literally reeks of moist fecal matter whenever she does this. To be fair, she does have the, how should I say, decency(?) to scoop up any shit that happens to remain in the tub, in addition to pouring a bit of soap/spraying a bit of febreeze to cover up the smell. She's hardly diligent about this, however. If I had a dollar for every time I went in there and found one of her fucking turds still sitting near the drain, or was literally sent hurtling back through the stench alone, I'd have well over $300 at this point. And you know what? My fucking luck, it's usually always been just as I wanted to have a shower, or wanted to generally just use the bathroom. There's an almost insulting clockwork & horrifying symmetry to all this fucking awfulness.
To all those rich wizzies out there who can enjoy a second bathroom, or otherwise live on their own. Boy, do I envy you some times. The endless indignities of poverty. Never had a room of my own growing up, always having to fight tooth & nail for the simplest of things, just never enough money for any kind of joy at all. It's too fucking much, man. It's too fucking much.
Just got my refund. The support agent was helpful and nice and didn't even make it his mission to prevent me from getting my money back like I thought he would. It also made me feel surprisingly good, warm and fuzzy, I even thanked him for providing great customer service. I don't know why.
On a similar note, it's bizarre how these mundane, small social interactions make me truly feel human. Like that one time when I was taking a bus and the bus driver missed a turn and everyone had a small scare and then a laugh, and an old man sitting next to me asked me, "He missed the turn, right?" with a smile on his face. I said, "Yes, yes he did," and felt the exact same kind of warm and cordial sensation and couldn't help but smile myself. I didn't even know the man, all he did was ask me a question and smile, but it was enough to make me feel better.
Everything is so insanely absurd and futile.
I was just thinking about how in less than a year I'm gonna be 24, and my sister is going to be 28 in a month, this sudden realization hit me that one day I'm going to be as old as my parents. In fact, my mom was my age when she gave birth to my sister. This is some scary shit.
Why is this scary? There is nothing more boring than aging.
Jesus fucking Christ. No matter how broken my family might be, I'll always be grateful none of them were fat and dirt poor. Sorry about your situation.
I post in the wageslave thread, and I still feel like a loser
In human terms it's all relative but men are all the same in the eyes of God. He makes no difference so you don't have to worry about a thing.
I belong elsewhere. This is not my home.
I am so weak both mentally and physically. Living is excruciating, but never to a degree that would actually break me. It feels like the universe is toying with me, I am at the mercy of a cruel fate that knows pacing all too well, maintaining relative calm to lull me into complacency before delivering a sequence of gut-knotting punches to leave me pleading for death on the floor in a puddle of my own tears. I wonder if I'll be allowed to take my own life at this point, or if my suicide will also turn out to be botched up by the same cosmic powers that keep playing with me.
today is so sad, I keep thinking back to that guy in highschool that told me that I’m so pathetic that I’ll probably kill myself before 30, it’s true I am pathetic and weak, even my dad calls me a pussy weaker than a succubus, I hate myself so much, I don’t know what I did to deserve such a curse on my life, constant mood swings, severe anxiety, homosexual, everything is just fail
Most people have no idea how depression can be an altered state of experience rather than just an emotional reaction from negative judgement.
time flies so fucking fast
i'm scared fellow wizowds
Yes. Me too.>>208709
2013 feels like it was just last year. The unceasing march of time is relentlessly cruel and we are all enslaved to it.
Schopenhauer (I think?) described it like being constantly pushed & shoved as if by some forceful brigand. Shoved & pushed down a long hallway towards the grave, while never truly
having a real moment of stillness or peace, since the violent passage of each moment into the next makes it impossible.>>208714
That's interesting. Personally, I just hope I have enough time to play all the vidya I want to get to before I'm otherwise unable to do so. The rest honestly doesn't matter to me. We're about the same age, by the way.
I can't sleep again, I'm tired and although my body longs for sleep, I can't calm down, I'm in a frenzy. I must have walked up and down my room at least one or two hundred times only tonight. Thankfully no neighbors complained about the noise I made hitting mosquitoes on the wall, I hate summer and the Sun. I don't have anything to do tomorrow morning, but I will wake up early anyway, which means that I'm only going to sleep a few hours maximum and drink a lot of coffe. I will race through town, almost fainting, being blended by the Sun and the heat on the boiling cement, it will feel as though I'm going to die. I cannot change that.
Yeah, it's quite something, isn't it? The sorts of outrages false equivalencies she makes sometimes in regards to excusing her from this, is frankly astounding. "Duh, you hork snot into the sink sometimes, so I can clean my ass over the tub if I want to. It's the same thing!" God, please kill me.
For the record though, I wouldn't say we're dirt poor, just more working poor. Our house isn't a tin shack, or anything. Not to mention, that while my mother is quite obese, she's currently losing quite a bit of weight at the moment, so I hope she it keeps up. If I'm being honest, it's actually been a while since I've found one of her turds in the tub. And again, to call them "turds" is a bit of an overstatement. There's essentially only ever one and it's always the size of a bread crumb. I scream at her to come clean it up & she does so each time without complaint. In this past year, it's actually barely happened at all. The smell is really the most infuriating part of it and the fact that she's still selfish/disrespectful enough to use our only tub as her personal bidet. Could almost snap her neck over it, or to somehow beat some sense into her, but whatever. Such is the reality of living with the cretin that spawned me. This is just how it is, I guess.
I can relate, since I suffer often from anhedonia, which makes everything seem tiresome when I wish it wasn't. "Real life", to me anyway, would simply be a release from anhedonia. Perhaps you have other desires/aspirations though, which is fine. Shedding as much dead weight as you can from your mind & realizing what a farce this all is can help to a certain degree. >>208721
Yes, exactly. That's precisely my outlook on the matter as well and, as a result, I have no regrets. Life is simply a linear stage play, in this sense. Trapped into following the script in front of me. Personally, I just see myself almost like a tree. I mean, would you yell at a tree for being a tree 3 years ago, 5 years ago, 10 years ago? It could only ever have been what it was and would become. A tree. Humans are no different. >>208725
Yeah, I just wish I could be more efficient. Either way, best of luck to you. May our modest wishes be realized, while our lives remain pleasant & uneventful.
Yeah, one day it will be cold again, the nights will be quiet, the streets empty so I can walk again. Your picture relaxed me, thank you, Wizzie.
Well, here I am again, one week after my prayer for better days. It happened that the days following that one were worse than I expected.
Old memories and feelings started to flourish once again through this already cracked body and mind. It's slowly destroying what's left of me. I haven't experienced this for almost a decade, and back at that time, I had external balance, that means no significant indirectly problems, like work, family, neighborhood, etc. That's why I handled it well, I guess. But from 2014 and forwards, this pattern inverted. I was in peace with myself but things outside started to go to shit at an exponential rate, again, I survived.
Right now, I'm experiencing both inside and outside threats simultaneously. The gates of hell were opened inside my mind, and the Apocalypse has begun around me. Even in sleep I'm tormented by thoughs and emotions that I wished so fucking bad they stayed deactivated in the deepest level of my unconscious. I don't know what to do, don't know what to think, I feel like a powerless child, cursed to suffer until the Cosmos decide that I'm worthy of mercy. I can't even cry. Sorry for the big text. I'm done for today. Good night wizzies, hope tomorrow will be better.
There is no doubt in my mind he is a wizard, Grand High Arch-wizard in fact. Everything this man has ever done or written bespeaks the arcane.
Agreed. On an intellectual & philosophical level, he is the ultimate living magus. TCATHR is, put simply, the
sacred & most indisputable bible of holy wizdom, always & forevermore. But, even so, does anyone really know much about his personal life? Again, it's a 'whatever, who cares' type question, but I still wanna know, damn it. Surely someone here must have an idea. Even a well composed guess would do. I'll wait.
He is probably a normal, just uses condom every time to make sure he doesn't impregnate succubi. Just like most of your favorite anti-natalists.
There's a series of his interviews on youtube read aloud by a text to speech program. You could listen to them all if you're bored, there's around 20.
Sad, but true. It is what it is in that sense, but, even so, it's just a shame, I guess. Still, when it comes to Ligotti, who can say. Although, again, at best, I'd say he's probably no better than the aforementioned Erik Satie brought up earlier in this thread. Close to actual wizard status, but not quite there. >>208741
Yeah, I saw those too. However, the fact that they're text to speech makes them totally unlistenable to me because of the annoyance factor. Fortunately there are links available to the threads themselves, so I'll probably check them out later.
Why don't you guys write a novel where the protagonist is an efilist or antinatalist, or where one of the main themes is antinatalism or the harm of coming into existence, so we can have an antinatalist wizard author?
Not everyone has the talent/skill needed to write a well-structured, readable book.
Plus, it is immensely difficult to handle such themes even for the most skilful and experienced of authors.
What did you put in it?
120 gr strawberry
1 glass of milk
2 teaspoons of white sugar
>>208742>Close to actual wizard status, but not quite there
Wouldn't say that. I consider normals normals, whether they are natalists or anti-natalists. In my opinion, there is no difference between family men and those who only have sex with succubi.>>208743
Sorry, but antinatalism and wizardry doesn't necessarily go hand in hand - I couldn't care less whether my neighbor makes kids or not.
Nice. I like to make something similar plus a kiwi and a teaspoon of honey instead of sugar.
How can it be that I suck so much at videogames? It's practically all I do. I watch guides, I learn the mechanics, I try to be fast, yet I fail miserably again and again even at the simplest games. And I've been playing for years since I was a child. Not only do I suck at everything else but also at this. It's fucking over.
It'd be a nice bonus if sorts like Cioran, Zapffe, Schopenhauer, (etc.), were wizards, but that's all. It's hardly something to get hung up on. Like I say, perhaps Ligotti already is a wizard, perhaps he isn't. I was just curious to know, but, since no one really can aside from him, it's a bit of a silly question to ask.>>208744
Ligotti himself actually comments on this fact, at least insofar as it pertains to horror fiction, although it would equally apply to what you said as well. See attached pic.>>208750
Personally I'd actually feel more comfortable with someone who, let's say, only had one relationship in their whole lives, but had thoughts/opinions that reflected the core philosophical values of wizardry, as shown in TCATHR, as opposed to someone else who's an actual wizard by definition and has never even touched a succubus, but, at the same time, has more base values that are reflective of a brash, egoistic normalfag like Jordan Peterson, or someone equally repugnant. Most of the purported wizards on this site, or more specifically those found in /lounge/, fit the latter, just as an example.
Lol that's hilarious
Ligotti is a shitty whiny author. Boring read.
Love that song. Always thought it had a bit of a wizardly feel to it.
>It's a long road and it's hard as hell
Ain't that the truth.
>>208760>Personally I'd actually feel more comfortable with someone who, let's say, only had one relationship in their whole lives, but had thoughts/opinions that reflected the core philosophical values of wizardry, as shown in TCATHR, as opposed to someone else who's an actual wizard by definition and has never even touched a succubus, but, at the same time, has more base values that are reflective of a brash, egoistic normalfag like Jordan Peterson, or someone equally repugnant.
Same, virginity is a weak bond and I find myself relating to people here less and less as the years go on. To be honest these arguments about whether or not some historical figure was a wizard or not just seem stupid. If their ideas are on point and they didn't reproduce I don't really care.
Regarding Ligotti, I recall someone here posting a profile he had on a dating site several years ago. However the description was something like "looking for someone to have dinner with and then commit double-suicide with" so it might've just been a joke.
You're just growing up. Sadly we are forced to live in a meme to inhabit this place that, for now, it's the best thing that we have. And by living in a meme i'm not saying i'm not a wizard nor that I don't want to be one. It's just that the constant debate about wizardry and who's the real wizard feels really childish and r9kesque
Your mom sounds like a really considerate and nice person to me. But i feel your struggle about shared bathrooms. Honestly it's the only reason that i want to live alone. Everyday there's either a small puddle of piss or a pube on the toilet, or someone completely forgets to flush or put in new toilet paper. Cant' afford to live on my own unfortunately
>>208760>Personally I'd actually feel more comfortable with someone who, let's say, only had one relationship in their whole lives, but had thoughts/opinions that reflected the core philosophical values of wizardry, as shown in TCATHR, as opposed to someone else who's an actual wizard by definition and has never even touched a succubus, but, at the same time, has more base values that are reflective of a brash, egoistic normalfag like Jordan Peterson, or someone equally repugnant.
Not me. Actions are always more significant than mere thoughts. There is no wizard philosophy and there never will be as much as I hate what many of the people here believes. I was never impressed by any quotes of ligotti or pessoa. Yes life is shit, meaningless, people are despicable, etc. Repeating it over the course of a book does not offer any new insights. It's just an exercise in aesthetics and language, and also a reinforcement for one's own identity and beliefs, no different from how a /pol/ user or leftist will follow e-celebs who spout already well known populist beliefs. I'd say the ideal wizard is someone whose isolation so extreme he does not browse this site and does not leave his mark on anybody's consciousness, so we'll never know them anyway. Maybe early monastic tradition from religions are the best wizards we can find.
Then why don't you just have sex and leave this place for good if you don't care? Non wizards never will have the set of mind wizards have. Ligotti is a fraud.
>>208760> but had thoughts/opinions that reflected the core philosophical values of wizardry, as shown in TCATHR
Like I said before here, there is no official wizard philosophy or wizardly values besides being a male virgin who doesn't want to have sex ever. You confuse pessimism and antinatalism with wizardry.>>208769>If their ideas are on point and they didn't reproduce I don't really care
So you can relate to someone like Schopenhauer - who lived like a pick-up artist and enjoyed succubi all his life - better than to an actual wizard who doesn't care about sex and succubi? Wizchan 2020, everyone.>>208772>>208774
Schopenhauer says the most relatable things.
Saying things isn't enough. You have to live like a wizard to be considered a wizard in my book. And even if we forget about the discussion of what is wizardly and what isn't, Schopenhauer was a hypocrite like most philosophers. He didn't live like he preached, he lived a pretty hedonistic life. So much for self-denial and asceticism.
Yeah writing a book is just "saying things" You seem like an angry loser, you still desire sex. How old was the last underage succubi you raped in your imagination lately?
Dont really care if schopenhauer is a wizard or not. Im just saying he says relatable things.
Actions are more important than words and reason. Every intelligent normal person with let's say an academic profession or as an autodidact can write things like Ligotti if he wanted to. There is no magic to what Ligotti says it's just like with every good author that he has an appealing way of writing and on point argumentation which makes it seem very meaningful but in fact he is saying nothing different than a depressed virgin who says that he hates life or whatever. Others have said it in different styles for centuries but the message is always the same.
Wizardy is all about not having sex and in fact if a person has had sex then to me he is a life affirming normal scum no matter what bullshit he says. Actions is what defines man not reason. Just look at all the philosophers and authors who write about ethics and religion and so on and then look what life they actually lived. Most times it couldn't be any more contrasting. That's why I'm always sceptical if people refer to philosophical ideas and attitudes because it says nothing about their personal views and actual life.
I think you quoted the wrong person
The rate at which I swing from misanthropy to pity tinted with sorrow for all of humankind could make Dostoevsky jealous.
What does happiness feel like?
Like warm apple pie :^)
Yes, you're right, of course. I actually didn't mean to start a bunch of hullabaloo over purported notions of wizardry, since, as you pointed out yourself, beyond the obvious requirement of having to meet the standards of the very definition itself, there are none.
Having said that, as a deeply pessimistic & efilistic individual, I would still find the company of other equally pessimistic people, who, let's say, have barely engaged with succubi, but aren't wizards (like, again, Erik Satie) to be more preferable than, again, someone who actually is a wizard, but who is also insufferably conservative & pro-life in their mindset (at least in a hedonistic sense), or is otherwise delusionally sunny about the world at large. Again, this really has nothing to do with wizardry, other than to say that, ideally, I'd feel the most comfortable with someone like Ligotti, assuming he was a wizard. To some extent, the fact that he potentially isn't a wizard does mark him as a hypocrite, since, he too, in the face of decrying it, relishes in the ugliness of this world like anyone else and in one of the most heinous way possible (cavorting with succubi). As someone else pointed out, Schopenhauer, despite his many salient insights, was perhaps the worst offender of this, in particular. Saying one thing, then doing another. A very human failing, but the concepts of asceticism & abstaining from desire, go well beyond any philosopher's random scribblings or failings. Those are concepts that I personally value & live by. Other wizards may not, which is fine. I just don't want to speak to them, or interact with them, in the same way I wouldn't want to interact with anyone else who feels the same way. It all comes back to my own preferences. Wizardry is just a unique demographic I happen to occupy, filled with all different sorts of individuals, like any other. Most of whom, beyond wizardry, I have nothing in common with whatsoever. I'm not demanding anyone cater to my outlook on life, but as a hardline depressive/efilist, Wizchan will always be abrasive due to the fact that, outside of sex/relationship talk, conventional normalfag attitudes can be just as easily found here as anywhere else. That's just how it is though, so whatever. Take it or leave it, basically. >>208772
>I'd say the ideal wizard is someone whose isolation so extreme he does not browse this site and does not leave his mark on anybody's consciousness, so we'll never know them anyway.
Well, to be fair, extreme isolation & living as a ghost, have nothing to do with wizardry either. Again, I value
those qualities as an individual, but they're irrelevant to the definition of wizardry.
>Maybe early monastic tradition from religions are the best wizards we can find.
Monks of any religion, regardless of how insane, backward, or normalfag-ish that religion is, would be good examples of wizards, but their status as monks, beyond being a solid indication of them fulfilling the definition, means nothing. Some partying moron, pumping his ego & gallivanting in excess would be near identical, so long as he was also a strict virgin who denied any contact with the opposite sex. Like it or not, there is no "best" wizardry. There is only the unbiased & dry definition. Again, for me, I'd much converse with a Cathar, who might have held a succubus's hand 20 years ago, versus some Jersey Shore-esque wizard, who's loud & obnoxious, yet has never engaged with a succubus.
Next to Ligotti, Christopher Knight is also revered as an "ideal" wizard, but, just like Ligotti, he's just as inconsequential to the definition. If anything, he himself may not even be a wizard at all. Does anyone really know for certain? It's entirely possible he could've been in a relationship before taking to the woods. Perhaps he's even in one now. Does this make him a "fraud"? Not really, since he never claimed to be a wizard in the first place. Once more however, I'd much rather be on a forum strictly for Christopher Knights or Ligotti type individuals (barring the fact that they might not be wizards and yet, most importantly, that succubi & relationship talk were not allowed) than one such as here, which allows cacophonous loudmouths, steeped in the mantras of 'life is great' & self-help nonsense, whom very well might be wizards, but are in every other way unpalatable. I stick to Wizchan, and more specifically /dep/, since it's the closest I can get to what I'm looking for (depressed efilistic individuals, where relationship talk is not allowed), while cutting out the putrid nonsense & chaff one finds constantly on boards like /lounge/ & /wiz/. That's all I was trying to say.
>>208778>So you can relate to someone like Schopenhauer - who lived like a pick-up artist and enjoyed succubi all his life - better than to an actual wizard who doesn't care about sex and succubi? Wizchan 2020, everyone.
I don't give a shit honestly. I can relate more to his thoughts than I can to those of a wizard whose philosophy is basically "live laugh love" tier hedonism. Or people who are so stuck in the mentality of this site they shout "wizchan current year!" at anything they don't like.
I hate the majority of other wizards here, I'll say it loud and proud. If I had found a good alternative to this place I wouldn't be here.
I am applying for medicaid and it asked me if I had a physical or mental disability that limits my ability to work, attend school, or take care of my daily needs. I told my mom I was going to select that I was disabled because that exactly describes me and it turned into some big argument with my mom where she tried to force me to go back to college and pretend like everything is going to be fine and I told her everything is fucked because of global warming and that there's no hope for the human race and trying to delude yourself like you're gonna go to college and find the magic bullet that will save a human society too wrapped up with its narcissism to do anything to save itself is just a pointless delusion to make yourself feel better in the short term and I can't manage it. It did not go well. My mom is still deferring to normie think where everything is going to be fine because science fixed stuff in the past so it will fix stuff again now and calling me delusional but honestly she has not looked at the research, she has not considered just how large and unsolvable a problem this is. That was only even a tangential issue to why I'm disabled though, I can't handle being around people because of the sickening anxiety it produces. That was just trying to explain the reason I have no motivation to fight through all that and become a normalfag like she wants.
I still don't know what to put down on the application. She's trying to convince me it's some legal definition that I need to be declared by some formal process first but it didn't say anything like that on the application. To be honest I want bux someday, preferably now. I guess I will put yes because goddamit that's the truth. I literally cannot work a job, I will kill myself before that.
Couldn't help but wince reading your post. I hope you at least didn't make your statement in an overly dramatic or emotional way, making it look like a complete tantrum.
On a more related note: your mother is correct. There's no way you'll be eligible for bux unless you can provide your medical record and other additional official documents proving that you have mental health issues that are considered a disability.
>>208799>On a more related note: your mother is correct. There's no way you'll be eligible for bux unless you can provide your medical record and other additional official documents proving that you have mental health issues that are considered a disability.
duh, she wasn't even talking about that though, just trying to say it could screw with my ability to get medical insurance. I should be able to qualify for medicaid regardless of whether I'm disabled though, it's not like they take it away from people who have disabilities.
I can't decide what to put though so I just put the application on hold as I sit in indecision. I can't really see myself ever working a job again at this point. The last time just made me too miserable. What is the point of living if it only makes you miserable? If I don't have to do anything and can just sit in bed all day on the computer I think I can survive but when you start reducing my already zero quality of life even further by constantly inducing anxiety without any reward, I just start to obsess about suicide.
Do you actually have a disability though? Your argument with your mom sounded extremely childish, like 'global warming' is keeping you from doing anything at all, that's such a bullshit excuse. I recommend stop dramatizing and making these kind of excuses and actually find out what your true issue is.
>>208784>Yeah writing a book is just "saying things"
It literally is. Living according to those ideas is another thing.>Dont really care if schopenhauer is a wizard or not.
Neither do I but how can anyone takes his ideas seriously? Even he himself didn't give a damn about them, he lived like he pleased.>>208796>"live laugh love" tier hedonism
But Schopenhauer lived his life according to this very philosophy too. He loved eating delicious food, bedding the young and beautiful succubi and spending his time watching opera. He was a fake asceticism-preacher.>>208794
Fair enough but I still don't understand why you guys are so hostile to cheerful and non-pessimistic wizzies.>some Jersey Shore-esque wizard, who's loud & obnoxious, yet has never engaged with a succubus.
That made laugh, thanks. Do you seriously believe that such persons can stay virgins?
>>208805>I still don't understand why you guys are so hostile to cheerful and non-pessimistic wizzies
you are on /dep/, most people here are probably suffering from some kind of clinical depression, this isn't the place for cheerful people
Maybe our happiness will infect depressed wizzies. Also, we can offer valuable advice and help.
>>208805>But Schopenhauer lived his life according to this very philosophy too. He loved eating delicious food, bedding the young and beautiful succubi and spending his time watching opera. He was a fake asceticism-preacher.
He had coping mechanisms like just about anyone. I don't really care, because he didn't delude himself about those things making life some happy little merry-go-round.
Coping mechanism? No, don't try to make it seem like he wasn't a hypocrite. He lived exactly the opposite way he taught people to live. He embraced life and enjoyed it, despite his writings saying other things. Ultimately, a man speaks with his deeds and life. Not with words.
And same can be said for most of your favorite life denying and pessimist philosophers. And don't forget the gnostics either, most gnostics had wives and lived a sexually active life.
>>208811>He embraced life and enjoyed it, despite his writings saying other things.
You have no way of knowing this or what his intentions were because you're not omniscient. Even if your actions > thoughts view was true it wouldn't make a difference to me when I'm just talking about relating to someone through conversation.
Actions are meaningless to me in the context of this site because no one here can know what another's actions here are, except through words that may or may not be lies. The only way I have of judging people on this site is by the quality and type of the ideas they transmit through their posts.
And being able to relate to someone goes beyond just virginity.
When I look at the past I see pain.
When I look at the presence I see austerity.
When I look at the future I see tedium.
The past must vanish but it haunts me.
The presence goes by silently but never fades.
The future will sneak in unnoticed but always has something horrid in store.
anxiety sucks so bad, yesterday I was fine now today I’m back to super anxiety, all for no reason
>>208812>being able to relate to someone goes beyond just virginity
But only 30 year old virgins that are wizards per definition will understand other virgins that are wizards per definition.
Where are those quotes from?
I just wrote this myself. But thanks I guess.
>Fair enough but I still don't understand why you guys are so hostile to cheerful and non-pessimistic wizzies.
I never said I was hostile towards them. Just that, if given the choice, I'd much rather speak to sorts with a similar attitude to myself within the range of an Erik Satie, than some immaculate wizard with a totally polar opposite personality & belief system to my own. If anything, I'd actually say that wizards with a more sunny disposition are the ones who are more hostile towards sorts like me. Just look at all the overwhelming contempt & disdain everyone on this site has for /dep/ as being nothing more than a i-ncely "crab bucket". Being efilistic, depressed, or otherwise having a negative attitude about existence itself, is just as valid a position as some will to power hedonist, only interested in pumping their ego & indulging their desires. Whether those are entirely material desires (food, drugs, general wealth acquisition, etc.) or entirely self-minded desires (aggrandizement & cultivation of some arbitrary set of skills, general self-help nonsense, consuming art & media as an end on to itself, etc.), it makes no difference.
>Do you seriously believe that such persons can stay virgins?
Sure, why not? Unlikely perhaps, but wizardry isn't bigoted towards one way of conduct over another. I really only used that an as illustration of how neanderthal-like & obnoxious some wizards on this site can be, insofar as their sheer love of hedonism & self-actualization is, burning at the stake anyone who disagrees with them. Having said that, Tony Robbins or Jordan Peterson wannabes, with delusions towards fanatical adherence to egoist philosophy being their
standard for proper wizardry, would probably have been a better way to word it.>>208807
>Maybe our happiness will infect depressed wizzies.
It won't, I can assure you. Not to mention that your idea of happiness, is probably not the same as my idea of happiness. In addition, people of this sort, those wanting to covert the sad eeyores of the world into happy-go-lucky tiggers, simply come off as annoying & condescending.
>Also, we can offer valuable advice and help.
Should it be requested, fine. Often times, however, nobody asks for it. As I said already, if anything, egoist wizards, of which there are many on this site, can't stand
depressed or otherwise bleak wizards, glibly dismissing those of that temperament as, again, nothing more than crabs. You say there's no official wizard philosophy or code of conduct. Why the fuck don't you go remind them of that in /lounge/ & elsewhere? After all, there are far more egregious violators of this, (that being pushing their own inane nonsense, of the type I mentioned earlier, on others as being the one & only true way of wizardry), than what you'll find here. It's a complete double standard if you ask me, yet it gets a pass because one is seen as somehow less "craby" than the other, despite the fact that both positions are just as right & equally invalid when referring to wizardry.>>208796
>I can relate more to his thoughts than I can to those of a wizard whose philosophy is basically "live laugh love" tier hedonism. Or people who are so stuck in the mentality of this site they shout "wizchan current year!" at anything they don't like.
Spot on. When it comes right down to it, it's essentially about picking the best of the worst. A disgustingly two-faced, yet kindred spirit in the deepest sense of pessimism, like Schopenhauer, or some immaculately untouched wizard, who, beyond us relating with our shared virginity, has the understanding & nuance of opinion as joe six pack down the street. Are all the wizards like the latter? Well no, of course not. It's just that, if I had to choose between the two mentioned in this hypothetical scenario, I'd much rather spend my time with the former.
>I hate the majority of other wizards here, I'll say it loud and proud.
Hate's a strong word, but I certainly do hate the culture of imageboards as a whole. A culture where nothing is taken seriously, while rampant stupidity & utter nonsense are celebrated & engaged in 24/7. In that sense, I hate Wizchan for being just another dumb, useless imageboard at the end of the day, but not uniquely moreso than any other. No relationship talk & outsider memes, along with /dep/ & /games/, being what keeps me coming back. And, granted, in that sense, Wizchan certainly has value, if only a little.
Being depressed is no intellectual position but a psychological condition. I know from experience that depression and pessimism go very well hand in hand still those are two very different things. Also depression can become a home for you a comfortable stance to the world which you will defend rationally. While this is fine to me as I do this myself it's also likely that others have difficulties understanding your defense of a generally negatively connotated condition.
Just because you do it yourself doesn't mean it's fine.
Yes, it does. How not so?
Just because I eat shit doesn't mean that's a good thing
I never said that it's a good thing to eat shit.
Yes but you can say it and according to your logic it will be a good thing as long as you do it too.
To be honest I personally wouldn't do this but if someone privately without bothering others eats shit and enjoys it I won't judge. It's literally his way of coping what should I care.
>Being depressed is no intellectual position but a psychological condition.
I don't think it can really be simplified down to either of those things, frankly.
>I know from experience that depression and pessimism go very well hand in hand still those are two very different things.
I'm not sure that's exactly true. Naturally people can be pragmatically pessimistic about certain things, yet not in any way be depressed. However, from the perspective of deep pessimism (of the kind exemplified in Mainlander, Ligotti, or efilism in general, etc.), I find that it's pretty much impossible to not look at the world & the universe at large and not be depressed about it. People, whether they be wizards or not, can turn to egoism, or whatever else, if they wish and put a proverbial bag over their head in the process, yet that doesn't change the inherent despair of existence when looked at honestly, without dreams or delusions.
>difficulties understanding your defense of a generally negatively connotated condition.
Well, to be clear, I'm certainly not defending "depression", as if it were simply some random affectation or a lifestyle choice, or whatever else. Depression & anhedonia are, in many ways, the most awful things one can be inflicted by. Why would anyone want that? The fact of the matter is though, that depression, real depression
, comes as a result of an excess of reality. No amount of self-help nonsense, or playing pretend in some self-constructed philosophical playground, can heal the wounds inflicted from the raw, pure & searing hot cauldron of reality as it's always been. Wizards or not, those who have also gazed into that cauldron & have come away permanently scarred from it are the only ones I see as being worth conversing, or sharing ideas with. Now, can other people come away from what I've expressed above and not be depressed about it? Sure, I suppose so. I'd still call them either psychopathically masochistic or otherwise extremely deluded and not the sorts I'd want to associate or communicate with. Personally, I refuse & am unable to be either of those things so, as a consequence, I remain a permanent victim of my own sensitivity to the pitch black, truths of this world. I was doomed to uncover them, and doomed to languish thereafter. It really wasn't even a choice, nor is it still. Very few ever seem to understand or sympathize with this sort of thing, wizards included. Depression, in this sense, is almost like being a burn victim. It's pretty natural to expect for one to want to speak to other burn victims, than those, no matter whom it is they are, who deny I even have any burns at all, or that they can be remedied away somehow.
The thing that gets me the most is that I legitimately try my hardest to be a decent person and yet I fail so spectacularly nonetheless.
Spilled a glass of water over my computer. Shut it down inmeditaly but I could see a Windows notificatoin complaining about the system not detecting usb devices.
How long can it take for the water to evaporate?
idk, 48 hours? waiting might not be enough but who knows
I hate fapping so much because of how bad it makes me feel. I used to enjoy it but now I just do it out of habit. I have no future, I am a despicable person. I can't keep doing this, all my life I just wished I had one person that was physically real that I could talk guy or succubus. Just someone to motivate me. Why didn't kids hang out with me in high school? Why do my parents never take my words seriously? When will I get out of my edgy phase? I've been banned from so many boards, subreddits, discord groups and irk groups. I want an answer. I want to disappear.
(Sorry for grammar and punctuation, I just had to say something.)
I have been zombie browsing the internet for 9 hours straight ever since I woke up. I feel like puking.
It's kind of hilarious when you think about how many people are going about their lives, wizards included in some instances, as if society is even going to still be around, or otherwise stable, within the next coming decade, or, if we're miraculously fortunate, two decades. Personally speaking, I'll frankly be stunned if modern society is still in any way functionally present 10 years from now. Either way, I'd recommend taking it easy since you're right that inevitable collapse makes much of what people chase after or work towards blatantly pointless & retarded. That was always the case given our inherent mortality as individuals, but industrial society going down for good, just makes the sorts of ridiculous games people play with themselves & each other, that much more laughably irrelevant/futile, to the point that not even most normalfags can ignore it. As you touched on, this bitch is undeniably sinking & fast, so you may as well kick up your feet as a NEET with some autismbux if you're able, assuming that's what someone wants. Better than wasting time/energy working or saving towards a future that, at least in regards to society, literally won't be there. Assuming you're somewhat well off & in the 1st world, the current era is the definitive peak of human luxury & technology, never to be surpassed, or reached again. Relish it while it lasts.
this is just some kind of apocalypse wishful thinking, another bullshit doomsday countdown, nothing is going to happen
yeah it doesn't make sense to do things that makes you feel bad/stressed in a world you don't know when you're going to die. so i don't do anything, and everything's comfy all of a sudden. but then, not doing anything that you would consider worth while takes its toll on you, and things you enjoy don't satisfy you anymore, and you can't find any other niche to satisfy yourself on a daily basis. drowning in anhedonia, you start to develop numerous mental illnesses. you lose your memory and cognitive abilities to a huge extent and end up a mental cripple. maybe you need that discomfort and stress to function healthily. but the important thing is to find the sweet spot that is part comfy part not
>nothing is going to happen
It's already happening, wizzer. Collapse isn't some big "event". Quite the contrary, it's a mostly gradual process. Like a corpse that's been left rotting away in the sun. It's just that we're currently in the late stages of that rot. Before you know it, even a corpse is nothing, but a pile of bleach white bones. Another, perhaps more apt, analogy would be like a car that's mid free falling in slow motion. Its inevitable crash against the ground only seeming fast once it's already happened. Such is the reality of our current shared predicament. As they say say however, ignorance & denial is bliss. You can believe what you wish in spite of the unpleasant facts, that's understandable, but I'd just recommend to, again, keep it in mind regardless and act accordingly, should one wish to do so. Perhaps feeding energy into a dead system is what you're in to. In that case, have at it. Personally, I'm just enjoying the fall. If you're in any way voyeuristic, like me, all the chaos to come, disparate as it may appear, will be quite entertaining to watch unfold.
I can confirm this
from raw data, we are already heading towards deep shit:
>yield curve inverted in august practically surefire indicator>german manufacturing very weak for 2Q2019>US manufacturing data last week was weak>US PMI data from last week was very weak, weakest since like 2009 or something>Dow Jones at all time high levels just like 2007>unemployment at record low levels just like 2007>consumer confidence high just like 2007
we all know how well that ended
Trump can call himself lucky if the recession can be delayed after the election
However, the real problem is that all central banks of the world are practically already at 0% interest rates. Exception is the US which is at pathetic 1.75% after trying to normalize since trump got elected. The emphasis is on "trying" because in Trumps "strongest economy ever" an interest rate hike to 2.25% in Sept. 2018 caused a downward spiral in equity markets immediately and lead Powell to stop again. This is how healthy our current economies are. We are so addicted to cheap money that a mere 2.5% interest rate would break our spines.
Zombie banks, zombie corporations, zombie video games
Anyone else experience depersonalization/derealization after being depressed for so long?
I have for about 5 years. It feels like there is a thin pane of glass between my senses and myself, thin enough for me to tell what is going on but thick enough that whatever happens on the other side doesn't affect me. It's like watching things happen to a video game character. Even when I have strong emotional episodes, I feel more like my body is doing something while my mind watches.
Inflation adjusted home prices are the same as they were in 2007 too. Basically everything is the same as it was in 07 except for in 07 the federal funds rate was at 5% before they started cutting. We didn't even make it to 3 this time before they started cutting. This crash is going to be something. I really think people are going to question this whole financial system after this.
>>208922>we didnt even get to 3% this time
the central banks cannot lower any more
they are already at 0%
and negative rates.
well, they fucked the entire european banking sector. EU banks are literally only solvent because they can do business in America. WIthout that access to at least a few % of yield, they would be completely fucked.
I am looking forward to this depression. I think it will be our generations 1929 moment.
But the worst thing is that boomers are the ones who are invested in stocks. Their pensions depend on stocks not going to shit. And there is no alternative to stocks because Bonds don't even pay 2% interest p.a.
A lot of people will have their entire life savings wiped in the next crash
pension funds need 7% p.a. every year to fulfill their promises to people.
The last few years of ZIRP have fucked over all people with money in pension funds
Does anyone know of or have experience with a condition in which somebody feels physical pain while in the presence of others? An online acquaintance of mine is a neet and is functionally a wizard (though he knows nothing of our community) told me that he feels this physical pain when he is around other people. He said that talking to people on the phone or online is ok though.
The only thing I know that could cause that level of physical sensation would be something like severe autism but he seems pretty normal.
Social pain is when negative social interaction activates areas of the brain associated with pain, like emotional pain. Some people have it much stronger and things like depression make the pain stronger with more physiological effects. If he has anxiety or thoughts about being judged in a pathological way he might be activating social pain responses. So it can be his perceptions and maybe a heightened or abnormally acting social pain system. Just one thought.
I know nothing about banks, interest, or economy, whatever is wrong normalfags will fix it like they always do
I feel so hopeless I feel physically sick. I haven't experienced this in at least a year. This is awful.
They never fixed it the last time, they just put off dealing with the consequences for a little while while making it even worse. If you want to get an understanding of just how broken the system is, take a look at this article. The wealthiest people in this country actually pay the lowest effective tax rate out of anyone, and this is only on the funds that they have officially, their offshore funds are just funneled into secret tax havens that don't even get factored into this shit, if it were, the rate they pay would actually be much lower. https://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2019/10/06/opinion/income-tax-rate-wealthy.html
When rich people realized they could buy the government in the 70's, they bought it and changed it into something that works only for them. That is how societies die. The monetary policy of the central banks has all just inflated asset prices which is great if you happen to own a lot of assets, but if you're like the average working man living paycheck to paycheck, you own no assets and all that happened was the price of everything became so high you could no longer afford anything. They have masked this effect claiming there has been no inflation from all their money printing, but that's only because the capitalists continue to find ways to produce things cheaper through implementation of new technology and shipping their operations to wherever wages are the lowest (ie people are the most desperate and starving). The price of things like clothes has actually gone down so much that people can buy a new item every week if they want, even on a modest wage, this compared to the situation in the 20's and 30's where people would wear those big suits to show how rich you were because of how much cloth you could afford, but people were still limited to like one suit, is wildly different. Combine that with the introduction of technological marvels like smart phones and internet and everyone hasn't noticed just how poor they've become. The things that actually matter, like housing and healthcare, have all become so insanely expensive that we have to work like dogs just to get a bare minimum. The number of working homeless in this country exceeds half a million. That's people who have a job but cannot afford a home and are living in a car or a shelter or on the streets. The reality of the matter is that we're right back where we were before the great depression just with a cheap layer of makeup and glitz to make things look better.
Can't wait to die and leave this goddamned planet to its fate.
This everything bubble cannot pop fast enough
you know the problem is not even richfags
they have been greedy shits since forever
the problem is simply that our economic system is reliant on ever increasing amounts of debts but now the system is experiencing a slowdown because all the eligible people for debt are already to their necks in debt and take on more loans to consume
when all people who are able to, have taken out debt and bought flat screen tvs, mcmansions, pick up trucks and louis vuitton bags, eventually they reach their credit limit. No bank can lend them any more. This is when the system goes into recession mode
Because we need new debts to generate growth but there is no new growth because the consumers cannot take out more debts anymore
The problem has gotten worse now that nobody is shitting out children into the world anymore. So obviously, now all consumers of prime working age are stuffed with debts to their necks, and there is no new generation of slaves to take over and continue the ponzi. >well then lets just let in immigrants
this is their fix for the situation
the immigrant arrives to america or EU with a credit score of 0$ in debts. He needs fancy clothes, electronic gadgets, house, car, the entire consumerist program
The corporations don't care how this is funded and who takes the risk if this guy cannot pay the debts. The important thing is that their revenues get high and management then can claim>guise, during my genius reign over McBurger Inc. revenues went up 83%>now I want a bonus of 1.3M USD, paid as stock of the company>and then I want you to take out a loan and buy up your own stock so I can get my 1.3M in cash
Our capitalist system has started canibalizing itself.
We have decided we will not spend money on raising a new generation of humans, we will rather spend this money on toys and escapism (video games, designer clothes, travelling, alcohol and drugs).
So eventually, the economy will have a lack of consumers to buy anything at all
We decided we do not want shareholder value for companies but maximum profits for greedy CEOs
So our companies are not investing in the future, they are buying up their own stock and the companies finances get hollowed out completely
We have had a complete paradigm shift from long term investments to short term thinking
It will not end well IMO
Oh and well, the pension system is really fucked better not talk about this at all
When it comes down to it, I just don't want industrial civilization to die. For me, industrial civilization going away may as well be like the end of the world. If I can't NEET, get bux & enjoy current technology in peace than I'd much rather just have everything die, myself included. Industrial civilization, to me anyway, makes life at least somewhat bearable on this dismal planet. In some sense, that's why I hope capitalism can be overthrown and a more sustainable method of persistence can be found, so I can at least still NEET & enjoy some amount of the technology I enjoy now. Then again, exponential growth, total ecocide & destruction of planetary life support systems, the MPP (maximum power principle), and too many fucking people on this planet is what are, generally speaking, the real issues, which, granted, are further compounded by capitalism. Those dumb faggots in ER (extinction rebellion), ain't gonna change shit, but I applaud them for at least trying to secure a future for some semblance of civilization and, by extension, my NEETdom. It's far too late for course corrections, though. Among other things, the wobblies & commies should've never capitulated to FDR. That, to me anyway, was one of the final nails in the coffin and was pretty much the last turn off point to save civilization. Socialism could, and very well might have, sucked the planet dry just the same, but not to the same single-minded & rapacious insanity as is inherent in our current economic system, which values unrestrained & constant growth above all else, essentially modelling itself off of literal cancer. Oil as a finite & extremely dense form of energy, among other finite resources, should've been treated as the fucking spice melange and been put primarily towards development of scientific advancements & general research, thereby furthering ourselves up the proverbial tech tree to the sort of stuff that could've made humanity something truly special. This could never have happened under capitalism, but I feel like a scientific focused socialism could've made it a real possibility. But, oh well. It's all fucked now. We pissed it all away on military nonsense, plastic dog shit, minivans & other assorted crap. World may as well blow the fuck up now. Nature is a nightmare factory & civilization safely ensconced me from it. Nature on its own makes this planet a disgusting shit heap. It only has value insofar as it sustains civilization which, thanks to the economic paradigm, it can't do any more. As a result, let it die screaming in the coming/current omnicide for all I care.
The 'Georgia Guidestones' are a good example of what could've kept everything on track, at least in a more enlightened technological society that could rightly see nature as simply being our global life support system and only worthy of protection/concern insofar as it can accomplish that purpose to the benefit of maintaining technology & civilization. I mean, imagine if you lived on a space station and started tearing out all the life support systems because the metal was shiny and you wanted to start selling it to the other crew members to make a profit. That's literally what our current civilization did. Fucking absolutely retarded & suicidal. The tenants of the Guidestones should've been made a global mandate decades ago, utterly beyond reproach. With a more sane & intelligent species they would've been, but humans are dumb & greedy as shit, so of course we did the exact opposite of that.
As Ken from North Star might say, "文明はすでに死んでいます".
Yeah collapse is pretty scary as a weak mentally ill dude who will have to defend my sick and disabled family. I'm hoping I can convince them to commit suicide with drugs when it happens.
My thoughts on the matter precisely.
I wish I was more placid thinking about it though. Much like watching protagonists of a corny horror movie make stupid decisions and die off as a result, I feel absolutely livid and infinitely disappointed observing what we're doing, except there's a tinge of genuine dread mixed in, since my personal well-being is determined by these asshats' actions or lack thereof.
This disappointment of mine shares some traits with a particular kind of disappointment you feel when you see a promising child prodigy become an alcoholic, live in filth and die in a drunken stupor in a random ditch. Disappointment and vicarious shame. The things that could have been but never will be are by far the saddest ones for me personally.
Is it safe to eat mcdonalds everyday?
Look at your macros, do you get enough protein?
I think the problem with such diet is not getting enough fibre and getting a fuckload of sodium, also not getting enough protein and instead getting a lot of calories.
But I dunno, maybe there are ways to make it balanced, you just have to do some math and check your recommended macro values.
What do you think will alleviate your loneliness?
Loneliness is a strange concept, especially when you consider that it can be just as intense when you communicate in person with familiar people on a daily basis. Maybe there comes a point when self-consciousness and prolonged intimacy with oneself (in both a physical and mental sense) makes loneliness your default experience, even when people try to form a relationship with you. The only way out of this, I guess, is to try and reacquaint yourself with genuinely enjoyable, or emotionally-moving experiences in the outside world, and to limit the intensity of your self-awareness in order to feel more attached to your immediate experience.
I think she should because it's her property
>>209029>solution for myself
so they are telling you to get a relationship
Why do people do this? I used to use tissues as a kid, but it takes so fucking many. Now I just rinse my hands off with soap and water, rinse my dickhead off too. I may use one tissue to clean up whatever I couldn't wipe up with my hand.
I personally have a white towel on a drawer near by and I wash it when in the shower every couple of days. It works.
You should probably properly wash it with detergent. I would think it would get crusty otherwise, even if you rinse it in the shower.
I use soap on it,it gets pretty clean.
threw out and now I feel feverish again I wonder if liver is ok
my mom was being aggressive today about my therapy, it started to make me feel really sad
You should talk with your therapist about it.
I feel lonely.
suffer from mood swings, all of a sudden a few hours ago become extremely depressed and start crying for no reason, good job brain
i just cum into my underwear and change into a fresh pair. it will get clean with the laundry and i always have underwear nearby since i fap with it on
Being sick is really frustrating. Can't eat anything because of the sores inside my mouth, the pain is always in the back of my mind, makes it hard to concentrate on any of my favorite hobbies.
Not having brothers and living with your parents is a disgrace
I wish I had money and a job
i want to fucking leave this shitty house and family but having mental illness and being a neet doesn't help
I think if I continue like this I will kill myself
I just go to the bathroom and jerk off in the toilet saves a lot of cleaning.
didn't sleep again last night.
Racing thoughts zapping left and right, crashing into each other at extremely high speeds. Current perception, memories and dreams merging with one another with no conclusion or goal. Random words popping up, branching out to more words, with no relation or meaning, just hazy, scattered vignettes and sounds attached to some of the words.
I'm slowly going insane.
cried last night, then again as soon as I woke up
sounds like a classic case of projecting your insecurities onto externals
Thinking of buying a cheap house to get away from my parents. I am starting to become annoyed by their constant bickering and prying, plus I just want a place of my own.
Of course, as soon as I mention it to my mom, she goes full "think of the cost!" on me. I make enough to pay my bills, and I don't need much for entertainment.
Even though modern world may suck, the past was even worst and you probably won't be able to even survive it if your in here in wizchan in the first place. You will probably be killed by the bigger cavemen or slaved into doing something, the modern world is a big improvement for a cruel world.
I dont feel bad for crabs in general. But if I did I'd at least feel bad for one who approached 100 succubi in person.
Getting rejected by 100 succubi on an app, is just clicking a button 100 times. You might as well feel bad for a guy who clicked 100 times in a WOW battle and lost.
>Getting rejected by 100 succubi on an app, is just clicking a button 100 times. is just clicking a button 100 times
NO, the guy talked with some even for days only to get rejected at the end.
So it's not like you say. Some even scammed the guy and others told him that some men aren't supposed to be with succubi.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qamrVmcq_J8
Here is the video, I don't embed it because apparently feeling pity for men who fail with the opposite sex breaks a rule according to a certain mod.
So he clicked more than 100 times. Its just losing a bunch of DOTA battles. So many crabs have been rejected by 100 succubi face to face.
I wanted to post Moe Sizlack's speed dating, but this is all youtube has
I sometimes think about how much I'd like a suicide pill around my neck. Does anyone in a free country carry a gun? Does it make you feel better having a metal suicide pill with you at all times?
It was a scene where he said he had a new "speed dating" system and then left the bar and got like 50 rejections in 10 seconds. But it seems like I imagined it.
Don't even bother. Unless your brain is wired in a certain way you won't be able to draw good.
Think you might have imagined the second bit. Season 13 episode 21 01:18 is where he says he has a new system. Maybe second part happens during the episode but I don't know.
Why am I like this
I never bandage either, there are blood stains all over my sheets because I just let myself bleed, never got an infection, I just clean the knife with alcohol beforehand
It took me about 9 years of compulsively scratching myself until I bled to get an infection. When I got one it spread all around my body and I couldn't stop myself picking the wounds so I had the infection for about a year and a half flaring up. I've only just started to beat the infection and keep the wounds closed. Sometimes it takes a long time.
>I just clean the knife with alcohol beforehand
I use a cliched hand razor, but I never clean it. When I'm not using it I just set it aside nearby, on top of some tissues. I've actually never got any blood on it funnily enough, but I'd imagine there's still lots of skin bacteria on it. After a long time has passed I'll end up grabbing a new one from the plastic block of other razors I have, which I also don't bother cleaning, even though I probably should. >>209166
>It took me about 9 years of compulsively scratching myself until I bled to get an infection.
That must hurt. Next to cutting, I also sometimes bite myself, but for no matter how long, or how hard I've done it, I've never managed to draw blood. Just really bad bruises. Closest I got to blood was by biting the thinner skin near my hand, but even then all it did was leave a couple nasty looking marks. I should probably be thankful I never breach the skin though, since that might lead to an infection, what with mouth bacteria at play & all.
>When I got one it spread all around my body and I couldn't stop myself picking the wounds so I had the infection for about a year and a half flaring up.
All around your body? What does that mean? Like all your scratches/cuts were infected at the same time? Was there puss & blood & stuff? Did you have flu-like symptoms, or something? How did you put up with that for so long?
>I've only just started to beat the infection and keep the wounds closed. Sometimes it takes a long time.
Did you ever take antibiotics? Is it because you kept scratching the wounds open again that it took so long to get under control?
As an aside, I remember this one time when a wizzie posted this video in an old self-harm related thread of a guy whose arm was basically half necrotic due to how much he was cutting, with him even still cutting regardless of how bad it was. Even for me, that was pretty nasty. Doubt it'll ever get that bad for me, but, even so, I've sometimes been concerned about how I'll probably end up looking like Sam Neil at the end of Event Horizon someday, given how moderately addictive it is & how loose I am when I do it. The presence of my mother holds me back from going truly overboard with it, so I just try to stick to place where she won't notice. If she weren't around, I'd imagine that I probably would've marked up my chest, both arms, neck, or maybe even my face by now, which is why I mentioned the whole being concerned about someday looking like a hell-spawn Sam Neil type thing, after I stop giving a fuck and just give into the self-defeating insanity of it completely.
Thanks for researching it. It seems so real, I feel something like it must have happened in The Simpsons. Guess the only way to find out would be to watch the whole series over again. Watching Simpsons reruns used to be my hobby. But since I started watching everything online its been years since I watched an old episode. I can't tolerate anything less than HD. And FXX never seems to have the older seasons On Demand.
Everything is kind of shit and I wish it wasn't.
I can already tell that I'm not going to sleep tonight again. After a few hours of tossing and turning I can usually tell. It just never gets any better. I think something is seriously wrong with me.
Try sleeping on your right side. It usually helps me personally.
Infections can travel around your blood. So it started in my leg and then I got chest infections where my heart was hurting and I had fluid in my lungs, and the wounds on my other leg started going like it.
I didn't have a serious puss infection in my wounds just kept leaking clearish fluid all day so i had to change my socks and trousers because they'd get soaking wet. The large areas of infection on my leg started growing long black unshaped hairs and then areas stopped growing hair at all. I guess I had flu symptoms and other stuff. Some days pains, some days trouble breathing, some days fatigue. I went through a few cycles of antibiotics which helped but then id pick the scabs or scratch open all the healed wounds and it came back. The doctors didn't really understand so I didn't like going back to explain. It was the scab picking and picking around the wounds that made it last, I had the same wound open for months at a time. Once you've got an infection subsequent infections are more common. I'm a depressed suicidal neet so it didn't really make much difference to me.
My mother was begging me saying if I didn't stop I'd lose my leg or I'd die. I sat in bed at night truly thinking id wake up dead from the heart pain but you know what, I'd wake up and scratch until there was blood running down my leg. I was crazed. My big wound is healing but I'm still picking little scabs on my other leg every few days and bleeding. I stopped pulling my toenails out a while ago but I struggle to kick this. I'm making progress now I'm doing better with my depression episodes where I'm in intense mental pain. I'm just a rabid dog really. Nothing anyone says really stopped me so I don't have useful advice, but it sucks. Wherever I scratch my leg I get the intense feeling that my leg is itchy and I need to scratch or, I could undo weeks of healing on one bad night.
In a fit of sheer stress, I ended up cutting off most of my wizardly mane of hair the other night. I've had long hair for many years now, but, as a hermit who never goes anywhere, it more just happened by accident as a result of my lifestyle. I'd actually been intending on cutting it for a while now due to how much of a hassle having long hair is for me to personally to deal with, (occasional tangles, takes longer to clean/dry during & after a shower, need to constantly have it tied up in bun so it's not in the way, etc.), but I'd always hold myself back in the fear I might immediately regret it once the deed was done and there was no going back. Well, long story short, but tonight was a different story. I just grabbed the scissors and started cutting and, before I knew it, my precious mane was all piled up in a lump in the sink beneath me. At that point, it sorta hit me how impulsively foolish this action that I'd just taken was and, next to cringing at myself, I began to get a bit anxious & regretful.
Fortunately, and as pathetic as it might sound, my mother came to the rescue and managed to sort it out to such a point where I actually now look a 100x better than I did previously with long hair. Even though, truth be told, she's actually a large part of the reason why I went into such a flurry to cut it in the first place, since, for a little while now, I've required her assistance when it came to drying my once long hair, which, itself, had led to a ton of prior stress. I got sick of asking her to do it, and she got sick of the actually having to do it, so it was inevitable that this would happen sooner or later. When it comes to the other night, I just couldn't stand the bullshit of it all any longer so, as I said, in a fit of stress I just finally decided to cut it, so as to, mainly, liberate myself of needing to hear one more word from my mother about how "unjustly" fucking put upon she is and she'd often throw that in my face whenever I asked her to do it.
Anyway, as it stands, I currently have a look most resemblant of pic related and I find it actually suits me quite well. I'm still a bit depressed about losing my former, more wizardly look, but even on the basis of the comfort/convenience level, things are so much better now. I still like the idea of long hair, but actually putting up with the maintenance of long hair is just too much to ask, at least for me. The fact that I don't have to do up my hair in a towel anymore & wait 10-15 minutes before needing to have my mother come & dry it is fucking wonderful. Now it's just 15-30 seconds with the hair dryer and boom. Done. No fuss at all. Exercising will also be way easier now as well, along with the proceeding shower afterwards. For a while now I've only exercised once every few days due to the presence of my long hair. With it gone, I'm free to do it every day if I want, which is quite freeing. If anything, now that I think about it, I actually wish I'd cut it sooner.
I just deleted 60+ gb of porn. Most of them images that I curated on an individual basis over the span of a few years. The last few times I did that, I scrambled over the remains with a data recovery software and wasted a lot of time sorting it. This time will probably end up the same way but I gotta try you know.
Good on you for trying. I know you can do it.
wayyy to late
you can't change habits like this
that's the weird thing about habits. they can change. they do, actually. most people haven't noticed that they have a new habit of thinking about politics. normies didn't used to do that.
Feeling fucking awful.
That's silly, but whatever you feel like you need to do, I guess. Personally speaking, I find that curating & adding to my now 220+ GB porn vault can often be a comfy time waster. Where would be the sense in deleting it? I'd just keep jacking off to random shit online, anyway. Then again, I really don't get the issues some wizzies here have with fapping in general, beyond loss of energy. Lack of energy doesn't bother me though, so whatever.
Who cares? All of us are going to be erased from history once technology allows perfection and every single person alive today will be forgotten as subhuman.
I still can't get over the dumb actions of mine which resulted in me permanently damaging my body or getting a chronic condition which I could have completely avoided had I been more careful or prudent.
Makes me want to blow my fucking brains out.
Could you elaborate?
almost 3k dislikes on that video…who the hell are those people are even?
it's nice that we have a demo of what it actually looks like. What we will never have: dying with dignity and with your close family or friends.
My grandfather died from heat attack for instance, but in a horrible conditions, where the medical staff were just waiting (makes me think that they were delaying and stalling intentionally, like he would die anyway type of thing). Not a surprise for a almost third world country like this.
And it's not pretty at all. Guess there should be also a demo of regular non-assisted death for normalgroids to show…
I've been using a pillow case (that I use to cover my seat so my gross bare fatass doesn't defile my nice chair) and a cum towel (usually clean it maybe once a month) for YEARS and only recently have wondered if people even noticed how the same pillow case and towel are always lying around my room
To be fair, I'm in my room enough that I dont think people ever get a good look at it, and I usually toss them to the side or in my closet, but I kind of wonder how noone has ever noticed or said anything.
The worst shit was when we threw away my old desk tho cuz that shit had hella cumstains on the bottom side. Noone said anything except my brother, and I just said I spilled coffee or something.
I'm also sure my brother found my gatorade piss bottle maybe 7-8+ years ago. Not a big bottle pisser now and havent been for years but I wonder if he even remembers or if he even seen it in the first place
I thought about this thing recently: if I were to get professional help someday, if I were to talk with a shrink about my suicidal ideation and were confronted with a question "Why exactly do you want to kill yourself?" I wouldn't be able to answer. I'd look like a complete angsty bumbling retard.
I've never considered the philosophy of suicide. Even if I were to talk about myself, personal reasons why I want to kill myself, I wouldn't be able to produce anything of worth, all thoughts I've ever had on the topic were rather shallow or I forgot them already.
This is actually pretty bizarre. This imaginary therapist of mine hardly provides any arguments himself, but it feels like I've lost regardless; all the while I know and feel that I'm suffering, I've been suffering for years, things aren't exactly looking up, and that I would gladly end my life. I feel it, kind of acknowledge it, but can't articulate it all properly and in a way that would be convincing and irrefutable, so much so it would floor the doctor immediately and he'd pay for my euthanasia out of his own pocket.
Why must it be so hard?
No, learn to cook simple recipes. Rice + eggs and some vegetables everyday is probably healthier than mcdonalds.
Would watch it, but there doesn't seem to be an available stream of it anywhere. Why wouldn't they just release it for free so that everybody could watch? That way you get the message out more. Well, whatever. Either way, I respect his courage & stoic expediency in choosing to end his life on his own terms, instead of continuing to rot away in misery like myself, too cowardly to follow suit. In the trailer, I found it quite relatable how he mentions that he often wished that he'd just die every he time went to sleep and found himself disappointed every time it didn't happen, since I do the same thing. I wish I had the strength to off myself. Even if I lived in wherever the hell he's from and had legal euthanasia assisting me like him, I'd probably still bitch out at the last second due to survival instinct, despite the fact that I hate my life and just want to fall asleep and never wake up.
Oh god. My uncle called and said he had a job opening and my dad relayed that to me and it all ended with me losing my shit and literally banging my head into a wall and screaming at the top of my lungs. I told them they had emotionally neglected me my entire life and that they were failures as parents and that it was too late to change. They can't just expect me to be normal so it reflects better on them. I am incapable of being normal. I am just barely able to not kill myself and when they act like I'm ready to just go out and work a job while I have been lying in my bed for years doing nothing, it just shows how little they know me and pisses me off even more. They have done nothing to help me, they just let me rot. "Helping" me get a job is not helping me when I know that will only make me miserable. Why didn't you help me get friends? Why didn't you help me not want to kill myself? It is so selfish and self serving that I just lost it. On the bright side, maybe they will finally realize I'm not joking when I say I'm not mentally healthy enough to work a job and finally stop trying.
This city is an empty glass
they out of all people know that it's impossible after ruining my life genetically.
I cannot stomach being around people, because it makes me anxious as hell. The little human contact I have to bear is too much as it is and I want to retreat back where I can be alone and drink away the pain. I dread going outside my bubble. I wish I was invisible - a ghost, in a friendly place, or dead. I do not feel safe.
Thought I'd gotten better, just lost 7 days to depressed stupor.
there is no cure
depression is when you finally understand that you are not fit for this shit world, that you don't belong here and have no future
that is depression
you cannot cure that with pills and the doctor telling you
>well jimbo, you were born to a shit situation but when life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade out of it
or you can press them in the eyes of cheeky cunts
>It feels like the choice is between feeling horrible and not doing anything or feeling horrible while also having to spend extra effort.
this right here is my current dilemma in a nutshell. I kept up with it for years until finally all hope that I could ever change was extinguished for me. Now what is the point? Like you said it's just being miserable with more work. Same for getting a job or doing anything, all it will do is make me even more exhausted and drained.
Wrong. I had depression for over five years and I cured myself by studying philosophy and metaphysics and realizing that the materialist worldview that is pushed on everyone in this society is nothing but unsubstantiated dogma.
It's amusing that my parents continue to toss ideas at me. Stuff like going to college, becoming a comedy writer (my parents think I'm really funny for some reason. I can't understand it. my memes never go anywhere), or managing some business. I don't know where they get this stuff.
Their enthusiasm comes off so naive that I can only nod curtly and say yeah, maybe it will happen. It's like I'm a paraplegic and they're still talking about me going back to bike riding soon. I'm paralyzed mom and dad. I'm not going to walk again
Good for you. I hope that you won't be pushing your medicine to every depressed or incredulous person, not that I am accusing you of doing so.
Goddamn. Goddamn. Fucking weather shit. How the hell is it this cold a few dozen kilometers away from the equatorial line. Even sleeping gives me a cold now. I swear a few years ago, it's sweltering all year round I'd wake up with a pool of sweat, now my snot is falling waterfall and I have more brain fog than I do before. Never though I'd end up blaming the weather for my shortcoming. Fucking shit.
Made an inadvertently idiotic post on some random website the other day and, perhaps rightfully so I guess, got called a retarded cunt over it, among other things. It just still hurts is all. Both being viciously insulted and not being able to recognize & prevent making a buffoon out of myself due to my own unconscious, or I guess overt as the case may be, stupidity. It's kinda crazy how, in certain instances, some people will literally tear you to shreds over the most minor of offenses, either because they're simply bored, a cruel sadist, or both. Even in this instance though, my dumbness was more a lack of me not paying enough attention, so, again, I might have deserved being called out for it, but being ruthlessly shit on to boot just felt uncalled for. Think of it like the ostracized kid who tries to make a joke he thinks is funny, but is then laughed at incessantly when it falls flat on its face, ultimately only making himself look like the joke in the process. Being a weak, out of touch, pathetically fragile individual really is a death sentence when it comes to living on this horrid planet. Either way, I'm really too much of a sensitive pansy when it comes to the internet. I've known this for ages, but I just can't seem to help feeling deeply hurt when someone is needlessly mean or cruel to me. I'm simply a wimpy snowflake. Always have been and probably always will be.
>>209261>I find that curating & adding to my now 220+ GB porn vault can often be a comfy time waster
So did I, but I don't have time to waste now. My parents are getting older, my father is already fired for being too old, the family savings are decreasing steadily, and there is no such thing as bux in a third world country. I am too much of a coward to die. I have to integrate to society. I have no problem with masturbating my whole life away if I never have problem with money but I do. Spending 4-8 hours on porn a day is disadvantageous to this end, perhaps even exclusive.
>>209327>I read a book and found enlightenment>everyone else on planet is doing it wrong
now what is next?
you cannot connect to the rest of the world because their world view is 180 degree opposite of yours
Woke up, rolled over, brain instantly started flashing vivid images of children being tortured and me as a civilian getting sniped in front of my family in a war zone. Thanks brain really needed that.
I hate being human.
More like "I hate being"
hopey ou all die
I hate my stupid fucking brain. Instead of feeling good about the situation I'm in, the bitch is instead depressed and wants to do shit it had never cared about or done before, shit that I'm obviously shit in, for what my brain keeps beating me over the head, telling me to get better when I can't, when IT FUCKING CAN'T. And then I'm also terribly, terribly afraid that I'll lose my only talent if I practice something entirely different, what my brain exactly wants.
For fuck's sake, I wish I was dead.
I have a 12 gauge zip gun that I know works. I get very flustered thinking about if something went wrong since one shot and one shot only as the PVC cap on the end would blow off due to recoil. It's frustrating that I do not have a reliable method with little room for failure. I feel trapped in this wretched existence and would outright down a get-out-of-jail-free pill had I one. Even if I were initially too pussy, I would take great comfort in knowing that I could reliably end life at any time. Perhaps I'd be unable to do it in my right mind and be stuck wishing I could harness my frustration into one final destructive impulse.
Whats your talent?
Turned out to be a mild case of stomach flu. Was laid up in bed for pretty much the whole day sleeping, or otherwise lost in my own fever induced delirium. It sucked at first due to all the unpleasant nausea, but, as I've found to be the case most times when sick, it eventually turned out to be quite enjoyable. That "head buzz" of sorts one gets while sick is a godsend to a perpetually depressed & miserable sack of shit like me. I can't even remember the last time I felt that good. Now that I'm feeling better, it just means I'm forced back to dealing with the usual shittiness of my everyday self. If there were a way to somehow re-infect myself, I'd almost feel tempted to do so, frankly, just to get that nice buzz feeling again. That along with constantly feeling so tired & exhausted that I can essentially sleep for as long as I want without laying there wide awake tossing & turning, which is the case when I'm not sick.
Either way, it was the best birthday present I could've asked for and it was nice while it lasted.
Those things are stupid
just tooted some fat lines in your honor
Just took a shit and it is full of strings of mucus. Apparently that's not good. I was getting better psychologically so the Demiurge got to knock me back down a peg.
Someone that actually noticed that too, I enjoy it while it lasts. I hate sickness anything to do with my digestive system, I get bloated so easily and need to eat much more plain than other human beings or it throws a fit. >>209456
I can't even begin to imagine what that looks like nor have I ever heard of that but that's a perfect "looking out for cars and getting hit by an airplane" situation this thing loves to pull. I expect nothing from this world but the bare minimum. If I feel good about something or get anywhere at all of any use to me it does something like this with perfect timing to do the most damage right where it has to be to keep me in my place. No more, no less, this thing has total precision. Meanwhile someone could eat nothing but fast food every day, smoke themselves into oblivion, drink like a fish, and basically following a guide on how to ruin your life yet will live happily till old age and get by in life. But god forbid I experience the slightest inch of clarity and health, and the wave of misfortune begins. I call it the firewall often, probably a better term for what it feels like than demiurge to me.
There's only one job I'm qualified for and I worked hard to secure it. But I suck at it and face criticism and complaints all day every day. I can't handle that. I know it can't get any easier for me, but I'm very seriously considering to resign and it'll only lead up to me becoming a grown up failure living off his parents back (they said they are okay with it but I know they'll be extremely embarrassed by me and suffer with me). I also know I don't handle not doing anything well, and my mental state will very quickly deteriorate. I knew this all along yet couldn't manage to get my shit together to do what I'm supposed to do properly. I'm so incredibly incompetent and inept, always coming up short at anything I try to achieve. I'm very scared. I'm so scared to hear another complaint about me, because it'll lead to my death. I'm really afraid of dying.
>becoming a grown up failure living off his parents back
a great misery indeed bro :) ^
It is, if you prefer to be independent.
I get this a lot for some reason struggling with diarrhea pains and headache atm
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Someone create a new thread I got no images