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File: 1574876824297.jpg (132.57 KB, 960x751, 960:751, 14515018493_151e6d6166_o.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

 No.211294[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

 No.211296

File: 1574877189938.jpg (13.49 KB, 250x300, 5:6, canned_hate.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

https://voca.ro/mkBlBwzGia9
I wish my mom could stop talking for more than 30 seconds

 No.211299

>>211294

I've never seen this angle of that picture before. Interesting. Just as iconic I'd say, if not moreso.

 No.211300

>>211299
That's probably not the one you're thinking about. I read somewhere there were like a 100 of them.

 No.211302

File: 1574885289890.jpg (150.58 KB, 545x1024, 545:1024, 4644461799_034858b9e0_b.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>>/dep/211279

>You're actually good with the thought process at least, problem is just face to face interaction.


It's both really. Writing my thoughts out is just as hard and can often be quite time consuming.

>In the worst case you can just take paper and pen and write down and show it to a person.


I mumble a lot and my brain seizes up. Even writing it down would feel impossible. I'm very quiet to the point of being inaudible & I make a lot of "umms" & "uhhs" even in the most basic of sentences. I'm a regular wordsmith when talking with my parents however and can carry on conversations with them extremely well to the point where you'd never even venture to guess I was autistic. Probably because I have such a good relationship with them and they understand me about as well as anyone ever could. Speaking to a stranger by myself however, really fouls everything up. It's not even an anxiety issue, so much as I just can't think, even though there are moments when I'm not all that anxious. I don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing when it's just my family and I can, to a large extent, be completely candid with anything I might want to say. It's a combination of trust and being able to just switch my brain off and let the words flow out without obsessing over them. Again though, it's like my brain just stops working when speaking with a stranger. The fact that it was cop and that it had been 12 1/2 years since the last time didn't exactly help matters in this instance however.

>They're going to return tomorrow to question your mom if they physically/sexually abuse you.


I'm confused. I'm 28 years old and don't look in any fashion like someone that anyone would give a single ounce of care towards (mangy stubble/light beard, floppy hair, extremely pale, skinny fat & mostly meek looking in general, etc.). I'm the sort of person that most people wouldn't even spit on if I were on fire (fitting with the OP image) purely based on my somewhat neckbeardy appearance. As far as the cop is concerned, she didn't seem that perturbed by how awkward I was. Despite the fact that I never looked her head on once (except only briefly when I opened the door), she was just doing her job and wanted to get it all over with as soon as possible. Maybe it's just my autism reading to much into it, but she did seem to show a little bit of quizzical contempt when I told her when I was born, given how helpless I appeared, and am of course, which then clashed with how old she realized I am. In my experience though, people really don't give a shit and, frankly, I prefer things that way. In any case, I don't see why the cops would ever come back here unless I explicitly told them I was getting physically/sexually abused, which itself would be rather hard to believe given that my nearly sixty year old mother is the only one I live with. Even then I doubt they'd bother to investigate and, if they did, they'd probably suspect me of abusing my mother and would then probably want to beat me to death with their nightsticks so as to rid the world of someone that they see as grotesque mutant of nature, exceeding the already present grotesque mutants of nature which is humanity itself and really all living things by extension. Wizards on some level, despite everyone's general apathy, are complete pariahs. I've often wondered how most people, assuming they cared enough, would probably want nothing more than to string me up from a lamp post merely because I'm such a brain addled 'other' that stands as a 'fiend' & a 'leech' to everyone else. All I'm saying is that if people did care one way or the other (which they don't, of course), then they'd either hate me or want to destroy me, or both. That's just how I see it anyways. Thankfully I have my little dark corner of the world I can hide away in until I die of old age someday, or whatever else that takes me.

 No.211303

File: 1574885819268.png (19.35 KB, 673x156, 673:156, rrrr.png) ImgOps iqdb

This cafeteria sucks, 0/10.

 No.211306

>>211296
jesus fuck

 No.211309

>>211302
>I'm confused
Don't bother, a bit of irony.
And don't be too harsh on yourself, like you said nobody really cares about us. Stay comfy.

 No.211310

File: 1574890950909.jpg (8.47 KB, 243x367, 243:367, 1573413905354.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>wake up
>parents start nagging me about everything from my achy foot to going for walks during my lunch break at work to Crossing the road
>all while I had broken rest

Jesus Christ. At least let me eat my breakfast first.

 No.211311

>>211296
what is your breeder on about?

 No.211313

>>211294
I want to do so many things. But I don't believe enough that I am able to. The proof that I get is never enough to me. And it makes me unable to make use of any skills that I might have because I don't believe it. I might even think different consciously. But subcosciously, I'm always sure It's impossible to succeed in anything. Therefore I always fail even when logic tells me to try as hard as I can.

I rot in this state, living with parents, not being able to do anything they don't agree to, working a little more than minimal wage in job i got thanks to them, surrounded by people that want this kind of life for me because if my life got any better it would make them feel bad about not trying to make their life better. So they further discourage and beat me down.

I'm stuck in this and I can't find power within myself to get out of it.

I'm afraid to go out to the world alone. I can't take care of my self properly in means of contacting people and legal institutions. They taken care of finding me a job that I hate. And maybe I could do It all you know. If I was allowed to. But I'm not. when an opportunity appears I'm being discouraged, pressured and scared away from it. Mayb I would have a different job. One that I would hate less. But I was pressured by them to do what they give me instead of be independent and look for something on my own. And additionally they blame it all on me that it's my fault that I can't make it on my own and that I always run back to them.

I feel that I'm entangled in some fucked up net of conspiracy made up by my parents. And when I Imply that, they gaslight me and I don't really know If I'm being gaslighted or I'm just schitzophrenic and im just afraid to admit that they are right all the way. But if they are right and want only good things for me, why listening to them makes me so miserable? Their answer would be probably that it's because I don't listen to them enough. Or they would get mad and threaten to leave me out "as I want" and make me scared of it and make me crawl back to them.

If I'm reaally their child, Isn't it probable that they have similar awareness to mine, and they actually think this all through and actually try to achieve some kind of wicked version of "what is the best for me" or they are just using me because having me by their side grants them something and they don't want to loose it for in fact purely selfish reasons.

The reason why I might be wrong is that It's extremely complicated and still statistically unlikely scenario. I'm trying to consider it. And I don't want to treat them badly. In pas I also was extremely devoted to satisfying them. I was afraid to disobey them and I was afraid of rejection and anger because of the things I could do. So I didn't do them.

 No.211315

>>211313
Leave the town, get lost in the woods, die.

 No.211316

File: 1574894500691.jpg (369.91 KB, 640x448, 10:7, doglovers.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I'm so tired.

 No.211317

>>211296
You should tell her to shut up or move out and become independent if she won't.
>>211310
You should tell them to shut up or move out and become independent if they won't.
>>211313
You should stop choosing to worry about things like that and also move out and become independent.
>>211316
You should take a nap.

 No.211322

>mom gets home
>talks with the dog like the animal was human
>ask the dog questions about how he is and what's done in the day
>talks about her day with the dog
>screams at the dog
>makes weird noises to the dog
>takes a shit and piss while looking at the dog that waits next to her
>eats with the dog barking at her

This is reality?

 No.211326

>>211313
>>211315
>>211317

You know, a while after my previous post something clicked and became apparent to me. It might be a solution to many of my problems.

It is impossible to use something I don't believe you have even if I have it. If I don't believe I have it, I won't use it properly like I do and will alwas fail whether it could really work or not. And then that failing will only fuel my conviction that I don't have it. I can't check if it works if I don't let myself assume it does.

It's like holding a sword. You can't know if it's a real sword before striking it like real one.

 No.211331

I'm going to be homeless within 6 months but it doesn't bother me. Is this proof that my depression has destroyed my ability to reason?

 No.211336

SHIT DOG IS INFESTED WITH FLEAS FUCK YOU MOM I HATE YOU I WANT PEACE AND TRANQUILITY AND ENJOY MY DAYS IN MY ROOM BUT NOW THERE ARE FLEASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS FUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
FUCJK
FKCUFK CUFKC

 No.211337

>>211317
T. Normgroid

 No.211354

>>211331
depression has destroyed the pink glasses you were wearing and you see clearly it doesn't matter where you sleep, or would you be able to survive 10 years or 1 year, boredom and suffering will follow you all the way to inevitable death.

 No.211359

>>211294
Lied to entire family that I'm staying with friends for Thanksgiving so they won't get worried I'm just holed up in my apartment. Lost my wallet so I can't even buy liquor.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

 No.211361

My mood swings are astonishingly rapid and draining. Over the course of the day I go from feeling extreme spite and disgust towards the world, to feeling boundless pity and remorse for it, to experiencing complete apathy, to feeling playful and light-hearted, to feeling tired and confused. It is so exhausting.

 No.211362

Ugh, Thanksgiving, one of the worst days of the year. My sister insists on making us go to her best friends house for dinner because I guess she considers herself more of a part of their family than ours and she's going to celebrate with them no matter what, so if we want to see her, we have to go to them. They are awful normalfags though. I wish we could just have a nice comfy dinner at home with the nuclear family.

 No.211375

File: 1574964288127.jpg (14.01 KB, 280x280, 1:1, 1570566529204.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

i've been having something like an anxiety attack for 2 hours now,i went for a long walk,i smoked,masturbated,played guitar but it still won't go away
i just feel like vomiting and my heart is beating so fast like i'm about to die
i wish i could buy drugs to relax

 No.211379

File: 1574973518757.jpg (51.29 KB, 600x492, 50:41, 7dbeb11e723722b431adfdbeb2….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Ate a burger alone since I don't have anyone to spend thanksgiving with.

 No.211381

I hate holidays. All I can think about is the past fights and arguments and discomforts that I've associated with 'em. I feel sick and I want to be left alone. If I want to celebrate, I prefer to do it alone. I want it to be a party of one.

 No.211388

Its so fucking embarrassing meeting new people
Sooner or later you asked the same questions
What do you do for fun. Any plans for the future. Any interesting skills. Etc.
I never know what to say because im literally the most boring person in the world
why is it so fucking hard to learn a fucking skill or do anything really

 No.211389

>>211388
i think it is not realy nessesary to have a specific skill, some people ask such quastion to tell about there on skills

so you can ask "why is it importend to have specific skills? Is it not enoth to live."

some think the wold becomes better because we do something specific, or we have learned from the past,
but the word becomes worster and worster
so you see, no one lears from mistakes and the best way of live ist to say,
who cares?

 No.211391

File: 1574992915619.jpg (97.97 KB, 430x350, 43:35, 1574817786570.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I ate microwaved pizza and sat in bed all day for Thanksgiving.
I should just detach from these kinds of things and stop caring but it still gets to me.

 No.211393

I still haven't done what I was supposed to do today, in 3 hours ti will be tomorrow.

 No.211394

that thing you want to make progress on but aren't you can exit this tab and start right now if you really wanted just saying its a possibility

 No.211395

>>211394
are you talking to me? I'm tired you know?

 No.211396

>>211395
no i didn't even read the thread i just felt like posting that it was really just a message to myself

 No.211397


 No.211398

Going mad with my fucking glasses cleaned them like over 10 times already and they still have residues of water or cleaning tools fucking fuck

 No.211400

I give up it seems after sometime passes that you bought them they all become dirty easily nothing I can do about it no matter how much I clean them

 No.211401

I'm going bald.
It's not that I really care but it's disconcerting nonetheless to lose things you took for granted.

 No.211402

if even remembering names of shows you like is a pain how do they expect you to remember entire books wtf

 No.211404

I'll try to finish reading higurashi before christmas.

Then I will probably read Clannad.

 No.211405

>>211404
i started reading it recently too. but motivation to keep reading is hard to come by.

 No.211406

I've decided I'm going to stop trying to sleep, it doesn't ever happen anyway for more than an hour or two. After I get my hour I just toss and turn for the rest of the night. I figure fuck it, I'm just gonna admit to myself that it's not going to happen for me and just go back to reading shit on the internet to pass the time.

 No.211418

I keep experiencing either intense self-hatred or intense anxiety because of things I've posted and things posted about me on the internet. I know I shouldn't care and should be more light-hearted or whatever, but my obsessive mind just fixates on these things and won't let them go. And so little happens in my life that my thoughts just remain fixed on these things. I get this dropping sensation in my stomach, then my heart starts to race and the blood leaves my face.

 No.211433

File: 1575084949682.jpg (9.47 KB, 180x180, 1:1, mystery-cowboy-aaron-berg.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Has anyone destroyed or abandoned their past?

I grew up from a young age very depressed, stressed, and anxious. 99% of my memories are extreme negative emotion and I guess I feel like I didn't exist until a couple of years ago when I started to experience life with a certain emotional calm. I guess I still try to come to terms with my past but maybe I should focus on expunging it instead and consciously considering the past me as dead. 27 years of pure negative memories may not be a viable basis for a human being and I must abandon them, and if I see someone who brings up those memories or my old actions I should treat it as if they're talking about someone else. Maybe I can not carry on from my past as if its a story.

Anyone else had to do that?

 No.211436

>>211406
>read shit on phone in bed
>eyes barely open
>accidentally start dropping your phone because so close to sleep
>turn off phone to go to sleep for real
>can't sleep

 No.211437

I keep getting a blinking sensation in my low vision eye might wind up with retinal detachment like grandma had one of these days just hope my best eye stays around

 No.211438

sucks on thinking
that most people of your age already had unforgettable experiences while you still haven't achieved anything
I feel like a ghost and probably i will die alone

 No.211445

>>211433
I can't remember much about my school experience, outside that I was bullied about half the time or left alone the rest of the time. I'm not sure how.

 No.211452

My stomach hurts with the agony of nine hells. I thought my mental pain is depressing enough but physical pain really takes the cake. I can't even imagine people with chronic pain who have to endure shit like this all day everyday. Fuck it hurts.

 No.211484

>>211361
this happens to me too. which makes me doubt the validity of any of my feelings

 No.211503

You ever feel like the only person who's got your back is your daki?

 No.211506

I feel like life does not need to be hard. However, it's impossible when you don't care. I don't care about myself. I have no will to be happy.

 No.211510

My mind is trying sabotage me again. I've avoided work for 3 days this last week due because I just can't deal with it at the moment. I feel like such a fucking burden on everyone for it but I can't handle shit at the moment.

There's a possibility of losing this job but another part of me is starting to not care anymore. It might motivate me to just end it if that's the case. I'm so tired.

 No.211511

>>211510
serves u right for being a wagecuck

 No.211513

>>211511
No fuckin shit man. No amount of decent money makes this pain any better.

 No.211514

>>211511
At least he actually tries to better his life instead of being a lazy tard, I don't like working either but it beats being homeless and starving to death.

 No.211515

>>211514
no hobo in the first world ever starves to death.

 No.211518

>>211514
>working makes life better

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

 No.211519

>>211518
Work helps me buy stuff. Only way ut "helps," but it isnt much. I'd rather be neet

 No.211526

>Donate to help ya succubus try to make her gaming setup better because its pretty shitty so whatever you donate is a big help THANK U!!!


I hate men more than I hate wome n.

 No.211527

maybe i should mastrubated to one of these twitch whores i dont know why they appear in recommended channels fuck them.

 No.211538

File: 1575272108510.png (39.24 KB, 768x298, 384:149, ASMR sexy massage from Bel….png) ImgOps iqdb

There are wo men uploading porn on youtube.

Why youtube does nothing about this?

Things cannot go like this.

 No.211549

>>211538
as long as there are people willing to watch this and pay money for this shit - it won't stop. So this channel isn't a problem, those 43k subs are

 No.211556

File: 1575302884174.jpg (689.81 KB, 1476x1968, 3:4, 124kICHLJqM8lP_Z45-0Gtkxqj….jpg) ImgOps iqdb


 No.211564

I'm allowed to kill jews because they cut off my foreskin.

 No.211568

Alcohol is the worst drug because it tastes like shit and it makes you sick.

 No.211574

Posting about how shit I feel, or really anything else, is very hard. Even when I want to vent about something my brain just can't come up with anything for me to write to actually describe it. It can be somewhat frustrating and often leads to a painful sense of self-repression which I have no way to relieve other than just trying to grit my teeth & bear it silently to myself. However, even in the rare times when I can say something, it doesn't really help either, so I honestly don't know what I'm looking for when I already know how useless it all is.

Anyway, I hate browsing the internet. All it does is make me angry. Sometimes I click on the 'popular' tab on Reddit and everything I see there boils my blood & makes me want to vomit. I hate YouTube as well and, beyond watching the odd video about some random topic, pretty much everything there disgusts me just as much. The only subreddit I actually lurk is r/collapse. Reading the comments often makes me angry for whatever reason. Everybody's always making some dumb fucking joke, writing some boring dissertation on the same old shit, or just generally circle jerking. Everything everyone says is retarded and I just generally dislike seeing what other people have to say about anything. I guess I'm just a very hateful & self-centered person. I'd be fine with that if it didn't mean I wasn't so annoyed all the time, as I hold everyone else, but myself in absolute contempt. Wizchan itself is just as applicable in a lot of ways when it comes to my overriding sense of disgust towards everything & anything, so I really am lost & desperate for what to do.

Well, that was exhausting and didn't really accomplish much of anything besides disproving what I just said. Oh well. All I can do is endure myself it seems, here in the dark with the heavy curtains shut. The lyrics below from 'Gravitational Constant' sum it all up for me basically, so I don't even know why I bothered writing a half-assed paragraph of mental swill like I just did now, when I could've just posted the song and a couple sentences and saved myself the needless effort. At the end of the day, I just hate people. Doesn't matter who they are or what they do. Even if the world were a paradise I'd still hate. I'm more often depressed & apathetic, but I oscillate back & forth. When I'm not laying nearly catatonic on the couch every day, pretty much the only strong emotion I ever feel besides sadness is a sense of undirected & universal hate. I can't even feel secure posting this sort of stuff here, given all the fuckwits who'd tar me with the 'crab' brush, or indicate that my hatred is somehow "wrong" and that I ought to work on "fixing it". Not browsing the internet anymore, or killing myself. I fail to see any other answers for myself, but those two. Whether from a hard determinist angle or a meditative angle, I still hate. Even in the face of its irrationality. I still hate and see the worst in everything and I probably always will. Writing this was still exhausting. This is why I'm a lurker.

>I've got a problem, a problem with hate

>I can't go on dragging this weight
>A cold steel hand that won't let go
>Acid-filled thoughts out of control

>I built myself a nice little cage

>With bars of anger and a lock of rage
>I can't help asking, "Who's got the key?"
>When I know damned well: it's me

 No.211578

I know one guy online and he's the only person in my life that I can consider a friend, but every interaction is strained on my part and if things don't go exactly as I expect I'm filled with tremendous anxiety and guilt. Conversation has never come naturally for me with anyone. We talk about once a week, so I give myself an entire week to desperately think of something to talk about because I don't want him to think I've forgotten about him. So it's not even real conversation, I'm thinking of filler conversation because I'm just not a very interesting person. I intensely analyze all the messages I send and write them days in advance so I can be relatively sure of it's perceived tone, and if I get no response, or a response I can't clearly interpret it's tone, I panic.

I know I am being irrational. I want to remain friends with this guy because we have things in common and he seems like a really good person, but I'm very afraid of driving him away with how fucking over dramatic I am about everything. He works while I am NEET, so my frequent apologizing is probably just adding more noise to his already stressful life.

Is it possible to correct my behavior? I don't even know where to begin. I just want to have one friend.

 No.211580

humanity is a massive life cult. almost all human behaviors stem from the innate drive for power over others, which is in itself based on the sex drive which is heavily related to violence. The people around you are mostly thoughtless, selfish psychopaths. If you begin to observe people through this lens, the way they act begins to make sense. Granted, it can manifest itself in a variety of complex ways and many sexual stratagies exist, but at the root it is always ultimately about power and sex. I’d even go so far as to say the source of happiness and other strong emotions also fully rely on this drive. Giving birth to a child is incredibly cruel, but breeders will never acknowledge this obvious truth.

 No.211581

>>211331

I was homeless by choice for three years until a few weeks ago (agreed under the influence with a concerned old friend to "re-join society" for 6 months).

It's really not bad if you find a way to earn what you need - I held down a basic job but did also go around doing gardening etc for old people and definitely earned enough to live from that alone. Get a cheap 24hr gym membership for the toilet and shower, a laundry bag for launderette visits. One lightweight pot and a portable gas stove + rice, couscous, oats, dried fruit, dried beans, lentils, nuts, seeds etc. Get cheap bulk bags. Having a plant based diet makes it a lot less dodgy in terms of food prep/storage, just spend a few pennies (averaged out) on a good subligual B12 spray. Good bags (including sleeping bag) was key for me. Having two shit sleeping bags in layers worked well.

In terms of where to sleep - personally I found a really bushy area by a disused field, cut myself a little path through the branches, then cleared a space in the centre to set up a cheap tent. Didn't get found or bothered in two and a half years (two tents and some stuff stolen before that when I was camping in a less concealed spot). Oh and if you can, get some waterproofing spray (probably hackable with waterproof spraypaint or varnish or something) for the bottom 30cm or so of the tent walls. Otherwise if it's raining and any of your bags touch the sides they'll soak up water through the material. You could probably glue bin bags around the edge for the same effect.

 No.211584

>>211581

Also it's good to take note of when your nearest supermarket or convenience store does their last price reduction on fresh fruit and vegetables that are on their last sellable day. Usually they're still absolutely fine for eating for a few days and great to throw into whatever you're making that night. Usually the final markdown is 2-3 hours before closing time. That's where you'll get a good dose of vitamins and antioxidants. Keeping a few favourite spices or spice blends is also a good idea. Pumpkin spice, old bay etc

Oh and if you're making food for a few nights and have no way to refrigerate, don't use rice, as there's a bacteria that can grow after a while at room temperature. The last thing you want is the shits at 1am in your sleeping bag on a cold wet night. On that note, make a point to use a toilet before heading to bed and try to not drink much after ~17:00.

 No.211586

>>211294
I should of gone to school today, i have to check my grades, i have to buy medicine for my feet, i dont want to work but i need to go.
Why?

 No.211587

File: 1575390468174.jpg (87.87 KB, 500x350, 10:7, 20191203_112715.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Mom just said she is going to write me out of her will because I dont want to listen to her rant like a lunatic all day.

 No.211588

>>211587
kill her before she does it

 No.211591

>>211587
What are the odds she'll actually go through with it?
Could she just be throwing a hissy fit?

 No.211592

I feel fucking sick of my stomach

 No.211595

I've been doing necessary maintenance to the front of my house and loads of people are staring at me, including young criminal looking people. Being pointed at and people laughing. I'm feeling strong so I can dismiss it but it really isn't pleasant. I forget that going outside can be like that since I avoid it a lot, I forgot what it feels like. The need to see normans as your enemy is there for some of us loser wizards.

 No.211598

>>211587
sounds like a bluff to scare you into doing what she wants

 No.211602

What a bummer that I have to sleep.

 No.211604

>The need to see normans as your enemy is there for some of us loser wizards.

I was laughed at while walking home in the dark tonight. What is so bewildering is that internally I feel like a normal person. I'm a wizard but sometimes I forget and am reminded by them.

 No.211605

I want to kill w o m e n.

 No.211619

File: 1575467133548.jpg (50.91 KB, 500x375, 4:3, 1574771436580.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I made a mistake and discussed buying Christmas gifts with my mother.
I think she resents the fact that I have my own money from wageslaving, and thus there's a risk I might move out eventually and she loses her emotional tampon and one of her puppets. I was hit with the whole "think about the future" talk whenever she finds out I bought something for myself.

There are so many elephants in the room with those talks, like how my older brother never had an income, yet somehow manages to have a couple expensive hobbies like motorcycles and high-end clothes and that's somehow okay for our future, how she buys dozens of handbags, clothes, swimsuits she never uses (and it's not dollar store items), how we can somehow afford two cars when one of them is used only for summer vacations, but if I dare question those she shifts into full defensive mode. She shifts modes a lot, only when it suits her though. God I hate succubi.

 No.211630

File: 1575494219142.gif (719.03 KB, 320x180, 16:9, 675863475863478.gif) ImgOps iqdb

Started having major buyer's remorse on the primary monitor I've been using for a little over the past 2 years now. It's a Dell S2716DG and there's nothing even wrong with it, but the fact that I skimped out back then by getting a monitor with a TN panel like the Dell instead of an IPS one like the Asus ROG Swift is really bothering me all of the sudden. I could've easily spent the extra money back then to get the ROG Swift, but I decided to be a total cheapskate instead. Purely to the detriment of my own self as I've had to make do with a largely inferior product all this time. Anyway, I'm just going to buy the ROG Swift and relegate my Dell as a secondary monitor. I find it largely pathetic how in my attempt to save money, I only ended up spending more in the end, since I just bought the ROG Swift anyway, essentially wasting the $500 or so I spent on the Dell in the process. How very, very typical of me. A fucking autistic idiot who can't even spend his own money well.

The thing that actually bothers me the most is how long it took for me to be bothered by this. It's like I've been in a coma for the past 2 years and I'm just now waking up to the realization that I should never have gotten this monitor in the first place. I wanna boot myself in the ass so fucking hard right now. God dammit I should've just gotten the ROG Swift. Fucking useless retarded brain of mine. All the game's that could've looked better, with more vibrant colors, that I've now already played all so I could save a measly amount of money that now has been retroactively been made worthless. I really fucking hate myself. This is going to haunting me & be wriggling under my skin for quite some time I'd imagine. Yeah, some people can't even afford their own rent and I'm whining about a monitor that essentially came courtesy of my NEETbux anyway. I'd say that makes it even worse that I didn't get the ROG Swift, since there was literally no reason for me to save the money in the first place, other than for the sheer principle of the thing.

You wanna the extra funny thing? I've never even owned an IPS monitor before and am pretty much just going off of the meme that it's 10 times better than TN panel monitors. On that note, I really hope it's just a meme. A lot of people said that the Dell's TN panel which I've been using all this time, is just about almost as good as an IPS, which is basically why I thought to get it in the first place. I really hope that when the ROG Swift shows up they don't look so different, or that you'd have to squint to see them. At least then I wouldn't feel so fucking awful about it. I'd imagine that if it does look a lot better that I'll probably end up slamming my head into the counter top in the kitchen a few times out of pure rage & disgust against my own stupidity.

 No.211631

File: 1575494695200.jpg (31.36 KB, 500x500, 1:1, 3d6e1c078827d7a6b4a826c05c….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>211602

>What a bummer that I have to sleep.


The larger bummer is that we have to be awake at all.

 No.211633

>>211630
I ended up with a VA panel after reading long and fucking hard about monitors. It doesn't hold a candle to my IPS laptop and I have a hard time finding much difference between it and the TN I use as a backup, but 144Hz and G-Sync is nice.
Was it only about the money? Or also competitive play? I mostly play multiplayer games nowadays and barely consumer any media so I dunno.
Chances are you'd be noticing smearing with an IPS and you'd be kicking yourself for not getting a TN.

 No.211634

>>211630
>ROG Swift
Heard it's easy to get a busted one nowadays. Backlight bleed and all that.

 No.211636

>>211633

>I ended up with a VA panel after reading long and fucking hard about monitors.


Yeah, it's just a shame they're so slow. I'd also like a VA panel for the deeper blacks, but its slowness is a deal breaker for me. I've heard color smearing can be a pretty big problem with VA panels due to their poor response time on swift color transitions.

>It doesn't hold a candle to my IPS laptop and I have a hard time finding much difference between it and the TN I use as a backup


So you'd consider your IPS laptop to look the best then? All the more reason I should've gone with an IPS panel, I guess.

>Was it only about the money? Or also competitive play?


Just about the money, I'm afraid. Being an insane, self-defeating cheapskate is something I've struggled with all my life and often these sorts of habits, like in this situation, actually cost me more money in the end, instead of less. My idiot father was the same way as I was growing up and it's most certainly rubbed off on me. Penny wise, pound foolish, as the old saying goes.

I also haven't played a MP game in over 4 years and have nothing to gain competitively from my choice of monitor. Even so, I still play a lot of singleplayer shooters and 144hz + Gsync has been utterly invaluable to me as far as that's concerned and I could never see myself going without them. The only thing the ROG Swift has over my current Dell is its more color accurate IPS panel. That's about it.

>Chances are you'd be noticing smearing with an IPS and you'd be kicking yourself for not getting a TN.


Has anyone ever really regretted getting an IPS over a TN, though? It's like someone regretting being given a $20 bill over a $10 bill. It just seems too crazy to have happen. In addition, I was under the impression that color smearing was more a problem for VA panels.

Everybody across the internet shit talks TN panels to no end, so it just seems weird why anyone would want a TN beyond their reduced price as a budget panel for those who can't afford better. That's what drives me the most bonkers about this since I could actually afford the pricier IPS, but chose not to because I'm a retarded fucking cheapskate.

>>211634

>Heard it's easy to get a busted one nowadays. Backlight bleed and all that.


Yes, that's something that worries me and is a common issue with IPS panels in general. They don't call it a panel lottery for nothing and it's often the case where some have to exchange their monitors multiple times before they get one that either doesn't have any at all, or very little. Still seems worth it to get better & more vibrant colors, though.

As it stands, I haven't actually bought it yet, so maybe I'll just sleep on in for a couple days. I don't know. As I've said time & time again already, I just really wish I'd gotten the ROG Swift 2 years back, instead of scrambling with the notion now after all this time has passed.

Weird how there isn't a curved, 144hz, 1440p IPS monitor offered anywhere, since having a curved monitor would be pretty neat, I think. I sit quite close to my 27 inch Dell and I've often wished that the edges could seem less far away without sacrificing its size.

I've also considered just getting a 4K monitor, but then I'd need to sacrifice major frames per second, which I'm not willing to do. I've also heard that 4K downsampling to 1440p is pretty bad and, needless to say, it's obviously better to have a monitor that operates at its native resolution.

 No.211647

>>211581
Thank you anon. I appreciate the advice. I am trying to cobble together some gear. (looking into a bivy tent and a sleeping pad ).

It's surreal that I have to prepare for this. I feel like some part of me should be terrified but I feel mild apprehension at best.

 No.211648

Why does my brain thinks so much about killing myself? I don't understand, I've got to distract myself everyday to avoid it.

 No.211650

Every time I wake up during a dream is an anxiety nightmare or a negative situation. My brain just tortures me all night and I don't even know it.

 No.211659

You call your kid's name before entering his room, you hear no response so you open the door to check if everything is alright, this music starts to play and you find him hanging from the ceiling, purpled face.

 No.211660

Stupid question (and weak English):
Is it possible to check do my relatives mix psych pharma in my food/water or not(blood test or something)?

 No.211667

My life is so depressing that alcohol has become my only pleasure right now.

 No.211674

Thought of learning Japanese just so I can do something productive with my time, but I doubt I'll get far when I don't want to talk to anyone and know little of Japanese culture.

 No.211677

I don't think I'll ever shake the feeling that life is a hellhole.

 No.211678

>>211674
you could always use it to post on/read 2ch, though I'm imagining it as being basically "japanese 4chan."

You could expand it to other image boards, websites, etc, too.

 No.211680

i have no money, i will die on the streets and i will never feel better, suicide is my only option
thanks mom for shitting me out in this retarded world where you have to pay bills simply to breathe while having no money to take care of me and educate me so i can be self-sufficient, so now i have to choose between jumping from the roof and suffering

 No.211681

>>211680
Fearing God may save you from finding even a worse situation. But, heh, I am just another brain-washed anon trying proselitism.

 No.211683

>>211681
Doesn't make it any less true. You've been brainwashed with materialism too, they just don't call it that.

 No.211685

I do not know by what adventure my mother gave me the day, In this, however, Nature did play a nasty trick.

 No.211686

File: 1575639462293.png (103.28 KB, 255x176, 255:176, jbp.png) ImgOps iqdb

Schopenhauer recommended asceticism
Mainlander recommended suicide, these days im liking Mainlander more and more.

 No.211699

>>211683
Hey! I don't think materialism is brainwash by the other side… it has places in human mind where it doesn't make you lose your dignity….

 No.211700

>>211686
Suicide is the most profound philosophical act we know of. Anything else is self delusion and distraction. However it's hard to overcome your instincts to survive. Our mind tricks us into thinking that we have to keep going no matter what. There is no easy way out.

 No.211706

>>211700
Suicide is mostly distraction. People cry about it so much.

 No.211713

I wish I had a personality
Its so embarrassing meeting new people

 No.211714

>>211706
Can't cry if your dead. What you are talking about is self delusion not suicide.

 No.211715

>>211699
Its brainwash. The only natural beliefs of a human is schizophrenia and primitivism. You're losing dignity with just with the claim of materiality itself just like in communist russia.

 No.211716

>>211714
Meant to say calling out for suicide

 No.211721

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>>211630
>>211633
>>211634
>>211636

Welp, after sleeping on it & looking into the matter a bit more closely, I decided to get myself the current king of IPS panels, the LG 27GL850. It only just released back in June of this year, so that alone appeases my autistic sense of regret to a certain degree, insofar as it not having been something I could've gotten 2 years ago. So you see, even if I didn't get the ROG Swift, I can at least now get the superior LG, which I may not have done if I'd originally gotten the ROG Swift. What's more, and in direct contrast to how much of a tightwad I was back then, I pretty much went ahead & paid full price for it and didn't bother waiting for a sale. Its stock is quite limited, so I think it was the better option to just buy it and be done with it instead of obsessing over trying to save a few pennies like I did last time. Kinda sucks though, since apparently it was on sale for $100 off like a week ago, but the vultures on slickdeals & elsewhere picked it clean in less than a day. The same would be true for any future sales, I'd imagine.

Anyway, I hope I get one that's ok. Apparently it's a little less susceptible to BLB & other glow related problems when compared to other IPS panels, but I guess, in the end, I'll just have to cross my fingers & hope for the best. Worst comes to worst I can always exchange it for another one.

 No.211723

Just need to kill myself already.

 No.211725

Before that, I'm just waiting for lithium treatment or valproate, and a medication adjustment. Everything is horrifying. I'm not in America so I can't buy a sawed off shotgun in a gun show..

 No.211736

just asked my parents to give me money on a psychiatrist cause i'm a hikki-neet with zero income and they said that i'm a hypochondriac, that they have no money and that i can go fuck myself
what kind of sick joke is that, i just want to visit a psychiatrist so i can survive

 No.211742

Why am i so fucking ugly its not fucking fair

 No.211751

I'm not enjoying being alive right now
I can not break it down to emotions
This is the emotion
I am feeling that I am not finding value in existing
I want to leave
This is all there is

 No.211752

>>211740
i can't work and i'm afraid of people, i can't even leave my house

 No.211760

>>211752
How is this still up? He apparently can't leave his house, but he wants to leave his house

 No.211761

>>211760
>Wanting to do something he can't do and being upset that he can't do it
does this offend you?

 No.211764

>>211761
Not really. This place is good for venting, but it isn't good for much more than that, sadly

 No.211850

Great now my tablet screen is almost fully broken just fucking great

 No.211851

>>211850
>owning a tablet
pleb-tier

 No.211868

>>211851
Not that guy, but what's wrong with tablets?

 No.211869

>>211868
They conflict with Wizzier than thou attitude and have Wizsocial stigma attached to them.
Basically a device you want to avoid when LARPing as a Wizard.

 No.211874

File: 1576002182804.png (151.55 KB, 249x288, 83:96, i3lTPZY.png) ImgOps iqdb

I wish wizchan would create a defined positive culture so we could have a support group where depressed crazy wizards like me could say I'm sad and the chat tells me to keep going and stay on the wizard path. I'm weak by myself.

 No.211876

I wish i was never born so fucking bad
It burns to think that my parents could've just decided not to make me, and i wouldn't have to be here now

 No.211877

>>211874
those groups already exist

 No.211878

>>211876
That's just the pressure of some bad feel, bad mindset you cannot control.

Don't be so naive to blame your mere birth about that, anon. Human beings are greater than that, even at their worst moment.

 No.211879


 No.211881

>>211874
I don't think that /dep/ was ever to have any different objective ever.

 No.211883

>start exercising one week ago
>never felt so good in my life

The first time I tried going to the gym I hadn't noticed the effects because I didn't actually wanted to go to the gym and only went there because my mom forced me, but this time I'm going because I want to. I'm exercising hard.
You guys should try it but really try it. Focus on your exercise and forget about the normies around you or whatever.

 No.211884

Do you guys ever have any moments like "at least…" that makes you feel better about yourself (e.g. at least I'm not in a concentration camp)? Like some Youtube video you saw or some person you know about that particularly gave you that feeling? If so, can you please talk about it?

 No.211885

>>211883
i recommend working out too, but i'd also like to add that diminishing returns is a legitimate phenomenon related to this as well. i've been lifting for years and it feels good for a long time but aside from flexing in the mirror, i don't really feel much better after working out. on the other hand, if i skip a day i feel like absolute shit.

 No.211913

I think one day its going to come down to me having to just get a shit dead-end job, like retail or a warehouse job or some shit. For a while I told myself I would be some sort of programmer but man… I already cant stand my current office job (that I probably wont have within 1-2 years for reasons), I cant imagine having to adapt to ANOTHER office, and fuck that boss might be even worse - its not like I literally ever hear anything good about programming jobs.
If I can't work from home then I will probably just need to get a mindless job I can listen to podcasts to make it through the day.
Or neither and I'll just kill myself

 No.211921

Possible layover as Christmas Gift and on top of that both parents started to drink last money away because Christmas? Great times.

 No.211928

>>211648
I have a theory that self-loathing is an evolutionary beneficial psychological disposition.

For most men for example being physically penetrated by someone sexually represents one of the most degrading and disgusting things that could happen to them, and their pride would urge them not to allow this to happen. But succubi have to be physically penetrated by someone sexually if they are to reproduce, so self-loathing contributes to their decision to let guys take advantage of them and their insecurities. The self-loathing in part contributes to their so-called "desire" to be dominated, treated roughly etc.

And in most men again being content leads to a complacent will and a state of being which is vulnerable to being attacked by others. While it could be argued that confidence and even arrogance is natural to men (and is beneficial in encouraging them to feel alright about penetrating a succubus and dominating her) their self-loathing also causes them to feel insecure about how much they make, and their position within the tribe etc, and is therefore a kind of natural fuel with which they can use to drive their ego onwards to acquire more things, gain a higher social status etc with the delusion that doing so will rid them of their self-loathing.

 No.211929

>>211921
I'm starting to dread Christmas Day. Mom invited over my cousin and her two kids, despite "totally not inviting them over this year." It'll be filled with

>little cousin rattling on about nothing the entire time, then giving me shit when I tell him to knock it off

>his sister putting on a show because she can get away with it
>cousin letting them run amok because she can't parent
>I'm stuck watching them for a few hours

I just wanted to get drunk and have a random Wednesday night off work

 No.211936

How do I stop feeling so lonely/find friends? Maybe I am not a "true" wizard but I like talking to people at work, just wish they were around my age too.

 No.211937

>>211936
>How do I stop feeling so lonely/find friends? Maybe I am not a "true" wizard but I like talking to people at work, just wish they were around my age too.

The wizard way would be to stop feeling lonely and learn to enjoy being alone. Finding friends is easy, just go someplace with one of your interests and observe them, then act like they act and you'll have friends.

Learning to enjoy your solitude is a lot harder, since you can't be fake to yourself. I'd start with engrossing yourself in a hobby that you can enjoy on your own and, alongside that, studying philosophy and psychology. If you're here, you're probably capable of learning to appreciate and enjoy being alone.

 No.211939

I am trapped inside my head. All I ever knew is my personal experience and thoughts. I can be surrounded by people and yet I am completely for myself. I can talk to another person and no matter how well the conversation goes it won't get me out of my stream of consciousness. I neither believe in solipsism nor in subjectivism and yet my experience of myself keeps reminding me that I am all by myself distanced from the world and everyone in it. Therefore I have to love myself because there is noone else who truly understands. But there is nothing to love. All there is left is empty experience devoid of any personality and substantial reasoning. This is what it's like to be trapped in your head. You become secluded not only from the people you see and talk to but also from yourself. You watch yourself doing things. Your head decides what is going on. You become reduced to a passive bystander whose only reality is to endure and feel the heaviness of existing as a trapped and imprisoned human.

 No.211940

>>211937
Well considering my only interest are using illegal drugs and pharmacology that's not exactly easy.

 No.211941

>>211940
If you like drugs and medicine, botany and chemistry are two fields you could get into and easily find a lot of places online to discuss it. Gardening in general if you like growing weed, mushrooms, etc., and there are plenty of clearnet sites where you can discuss those things. I still think learning how to enjoy being alone is better, though.

Personally, I feel like a stranger in every community, even this one. I feel like I could just disappear from them today and neither I nor they would lose anything. I enjoy talking to people insofar as it's educational or enlightening, but any other sort of talk I couldn't care less about.

 No.211943

>>211928
Similarly, I reason that all psychological (or other) dispositions (which can be considered pandemic to the species) are evolutionarily beneficial; humans being as they are now is the result of natural selection over billions of years gone by. The reason why people commonly possess any trait whatsoever can always be firstly explained as "Because those who didn't tended not to survive"; then comes the speculations as to why that would be.

 No.211944

>>211941
Online interaction is not the same, I want real human interaction, I want conflict. Online there is no conflict, it's tailored to be as pleasurable as possible, they literally hire psychologists to design websites to keep you hooked. The catch is that without conflict, it loses any sense of meaning, it's not fulfilling (for me anyway).

 No.211947

this rotting corpse of a website is swarmed with normans. half of the posts are made by either normanoids or crab outsiders, and god knows how many outsiders are lurking this place. what a shitty last 2 years. just end this decade already.

 No.211949

Just was banned from my favorite game server and they made me go into the server teamspeak to laugh at me and permanently ban me.

Not only that, but their buddies can break all the server rules and they never get banned, while they harass and bully me until they permanently banned me today.

 No.211950

Do most people here even take the time to read long posts, let alone reply to them? Are long posts just tedious and not worth the effort to read to most people? I try to be as concise as I can, but I usually end up writing walls of text about my own bullshit which, as one might expect, almost no one ever bothers replying to. It just feels like I'm being constantly ignored and wasting my time even posting anything, but whatever. I know the reasons why and either way no one cares, so no matter what it really doesn't matter in the end.

 No.211952

>>211949
I know this feeling. If you don't lick their asses for one minute and they will ban you for your smallest mistake. Every online community is like this. Every IRC, discord server, ts server, forum… All of them are same. It's like lord of the flies there, everybody ape just shows their true colors.

Friendly reminder to you and myself, evade IRC's at all costs.

 No.211953

>>211950
I used to occasionally write long rants here and read others, these days I just don't do much of either, my brain is broken and I feel scared and low energy all the time.

 No.211955

I am not enjoying existing right now.

 No.211956

>>211950
There is a much higher inhibition level to answer to long posts. Not only because it takes a lot of effort to come up with a proper reply but also because the more you go into details the harder it is to relate to a certain point of view. On top of that often there are so many points being made that that it comes off as lazy and ignorant if you only pick a single statement and ignore all the rest. If I really like a post I'll say that I can relate to the poster. Discussions are to straining to me due to my social inabilities.

 No.211959

>>211955
I do not enjoy existing every single second i'm awake

 No.211967

I dropped an entire bottle of yoghurt my nerves are shit

 No.211969

Posting it here instead of /games/ since it turns out to be a blogpost. I don't usually get interested in most games I try but sometimes there are games that just suck me in until I can't let go. I just played the Deus Ex for like 12 hours. Feels both good and depressing at the same time. I remember when I play FNV for the first time, I'd play for two days straight. Decided to drop out of college right after I beat it since I figure someone who skip sleep to play video games won't be able to fix his shit grades or graduate. I can't motivate myself to do anything else and everything is a chore but when it comes to useless pointless things like these I'd do it even while it damages my body and mind. I don't know whether to accept or hate this habit. They say that time you enjoy spending is not wasted but I feel like I am borrowing my pleasure from the future and when the time comes, I'll have to pay it back with suffering, plus interest.

 No.211977

>Tried to post something to reddit for the first time in a very long while
>Post it and go to sleep
>Lay there wondering if anyone replied back to me
>Wake up to see automated, "So sorry, but it turns out you don't have enough 'comment karma' to post here, your submission was automatically removed".

Oh well. I don't care anymore, so forget it. It was a foolish thing to do anyway, even trying to post on that website at all. I really am just nothing.

 No.211981

>>211977
I just use r/FreeKarma4U/ just post a bunch of random comments and wait.

 No.211983

>>211981
>you have to grind to post
lol it's obvious reddit just want fucking idiots posting on their website, that wiz shouldn't bother tbh.

 No.211984

>>211977
reddit is beyond cancer

 No.211986

Some people use depression to describe an emotion.
Some people use depression to describe a mood.
Some people use depression to describe an altered state of consciousness.

It's shit in every dimension but the inability to get accurate language is bullshit.

 No.211987

>>211986
Most words are like this. You can never really communicate with anybody.


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