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 No.212817[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.


So hard trying to delude myself into thinking my dreams are still out there while being a ugly retarded piece of shit. Can't get it through my head to just give up yet…


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I wish I had my own place.
Sharing a house with other people fucking sucks.


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These thoughts of suicide never ends, I know it will get worse when I find another shitty job that i'll probably quit early of how much of a pussy I am. School is going nowhere and my family pisses me off, I just want to finally vanish.


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My feelings always get in the way when im going to do something. I wish I could just turn them off for a while. I work in customer service so is important to keep a stable mood, but when something wrong happens is like my day is over and all my past bad experiences roll over my head.


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My rotten little lump of a brain always seems to hyper focus on the most annoyingly trivial shit. The sort of things that feel impossible to even describe given how both extremely convoluted & infinitesimally small their inherent nature is. It's extremely exhausting & numbingly painful, the fact that my brain is constantly attacking itself like this and that it's essentially been trained to inflict this sort of chronic mental noise on me through my own obsessive compulsive thoughts and other assorted self-destructive ticks. I feel a sense of resigned, hollow surrender when considering how malformed my mind was from such an early age and how it grew to drag me down into this rotten psyche with near total diminishment of whatever meager mental faculties I ever possessed (very little). Being born with a brain that's designed to torture itself is really something. Like building a robot with faulty programing, that just ends up recurringly smashing itself into a wall.

As an aside to this, I find myself making lots of unconscious mistakes these days. The sort of easily avoidable blunders I would've caught myself from making before, but am now almost perpetually asleep at the wheel over. Just a week or two ago, I bought a cheap picture frame for a poster on Amazon and failed to even notice that the shipping was a whopping $50.00 (more than twice that of the picture frame itself), until I just randomly checked my account a few days afterwards. That's just one example, but I could give you very nearly a hundred more. It's to be expected, I suppose. My brain's nothing more than a muddy puddle of degenerated gray matter by this point. That's what you get when one spends nearly 13 years locked in their room, without keeping their mind from rotting faster than necessary and in fact doing nearly everything possible to accelerate it. Miasmic rot in, miasmic rot out. I can understand how it happened, but it's still painful and it's not very pleasant to know how rotten & decayed I am and that the decay will only get worse and deepen faster & faster, as each year I descend further into my advanced mental decrepitude. We're all born only to be future corpses someday, but in my position it's hard not to see myself as one already and to also not feel the apathetic & muted frustration from that predicament, like some shambling zombie on auto-pilot weakly pawing at the air out of sheer bewildered fatigue.


Had another attack screaming and threwing things thanks to shitmily


All time low in anhedonia.
I'm no longer wishing I had the drive to do something else, I dismiss doing it altogether.
I could spend 16 hours in work daily and it would not hurt my productivity and hobbies, because I don't have any. I need to be finally put out of my misery.


Same but when I think about it I remember a post in a housing thread from last year that went like: "You guys should accept you will never be able to move out" and then I accept it and stop stressing over it.


Im so tired of my moms tasteless fucking cooking. The worst part is she acts like she Gordon Ramsay. I brought home some fast food after work and my parents literally acted like that one scene from Freddy Got Fingered.


You are an extremely interesting person


Everyone in this world is dishonest and treacherous and hate justice and love. They worship the devil and its demonic children, and is through these vices that are being kept alive, and they feast on my flesh and are not satisfied in doing so. I’m being eaten alive by these demons and they will haunt me because unlike them I do want what is right for me, history won’t change in any meaningful way to make this life a good one. There’s no condition to this life that’s in agreement with fairness.
Humans are hopeless and built on sheer selfishness. They will enjoy seeing you die, they will laugh at your pain, and use you whenever its possible. They will try and benefit from whatever little thing you have to offer, their immeasurable greed knows no limits. Your existence is that of a whore whose payment is a stabbing pain in the soul and guess what, they will not stop fuckin with you, because they believe that is your position in this life.
I don’t hate even though I’ve been trampled over and those feet will never see blood till the very end and maybe even then, blood will never show up. They should have cared.
They should have cared. They should have cared. But just like everybody else they are lies behind more lies. It’s unclear why people are this inconsistent. Who are really these humans? Would you waste your life preaching something you are not? In a sense, it shouldn’t matter because I know I don’t exist, to these people at least, I am nothing.
What memory have I become in their heads… I might be a pet that they played with for a month or so, had their fun but then decided to abandon.
I am a dog. An abandoned dog. Yet I cannot bark nor gnarl. There’s no point in doing those things when they have not the capacity to feel sorry for their actions.
It really doesn’t matter to anyone, not even to me now. I don’t feel sorry anymore. It’s all over but I’m still on the streets and will never know home.


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I want to die in a dream from the fact that I have a blood clot in my brain or heart. Who is with me?


Are you Aussie?


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I think I have schizophrenia and hear voices all the time to the point I passed out yesterday due to the overwhelming-ness of the hallucinations. I think I'll hang myself soon


Honestly same


I think I may have BPD. I'm losing my shit and i take it out on others. Threaten to break things, yell, name call them, etc. I feel like shit afterwards and apologize. I hate myself for that. One thing that helps with getting triggered and what not is music. It has power of my intense feelings. I have yet to make an appointment to see the doctor about this shit. I want to get on meds or something, this is just something I can't avoid. Anyone else dealing with shit like this?


What do the voices say to you?


To be honest I wish I had only once in my life the guts to stand up and "take it out on others, threaten something and yell". For me that would have been an improvement to the constant passiveness and silence.


Got out the car to hear two older men, I believe, mocking my parking. They said something like "yeah I was just watching this, fucking terrible parking, shocking." I know I am not good at parking in reverse but still feels bad to have people openly insult it that I hear it across the road - especially since I didn't do anything antisocial and my parking was just slow and awkward but within the lines. I hate how people pretend normans lives aren't full of social ape language focusing on other people. This is what apes do and talk about.


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How can humans bear this world where one is being overwhelmed by external forces of all types at every moment? Cold, heat,itch, the air, the sun, illnesses, bugs,predators, other humans….. having to sell your very body and convictions just to see another dawn but even boredom is a form of suffering that can corrode your very soul. There is no second where one isn't being engulfed by the maw of this voracious existence. Yet we create the most ridiculous narratives in order to cope with the state of affairs. How can adults talk about "maturity" when they desperately need absurd children's stories to live? Are they even humans?
"But we are progressing and life is better now than ever before". We might have longer and somewhat more comfortable lives but no degree of technological progress will bring us the glory and the transcendence. New forms of exploitation, new kinds of boredom will appear while humanity as a whole keeps obfuscating and searching in every stone, every star and the very atom for something that isn't there because only infinite void is what lies behind all.


buddhism my wiz


What hurt me the most out of all things my dad did was he forgot to call a therapist when I told him I had suicidal thoughts. I think it truly ducked up all my relationships


I should be at least applying for some jobs so I can give "luck" a chance, but I really don't want to work, especially not in the line of work I've chosen now that I realized how bad it can get.


I've finally just given up hope that I'll find any purpose or calling in the future. Managed to get myself a drug addiction too, so that's fun.


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cornered heart in a womb
time won't free me
everlasting discontent


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What if life is a simulation to see how long it takes till I finally check myself out?


Hey, wizard. Don't beat yourself up. Life sucks. We have problems. Nobody here is happy.

Those are all understatements, I know, but saying more would be saying less.

I hope that makes you feel better. We can't know each other's unhappiness, or help each other, but we can share our sentiments and feelings.


The most pathetic thing is that I really am genuinely trying my best.


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>Can't get a decent job without accruing debt you'll never pay off for a piece of paper

Life is beautiful.


Suffering from horrendous spouts of rage and anxiety. Lost my last job over it. Didn't care tbh. Got new one. Boomer supervisor at work is really fucking pissing me off atm. I mean at times things slow down and he can't fucking accept that sometimes at work there's "no work to do". Instead he bitches a moans constantly and annoys me over x and y and all this other bullshit. Makes my blood boil. Hope the fucker dies soon. Selfish prick. Or acts all smug that he "knows everything" or if something is wrong with the equipment he will proceed to try and make me "feel guilty over it" even though I for one am not a fucking engineer nor am I an electrician and two I couldn't give a rats ass. Honestly boomers are the single most narcissistic, annoying, selfish bastards on the planet. Can't wait for all of them to die.


I remember now that time I said to you that I was a piece of shit.

Was I right? You said that it wasn't true. But now I feel like that. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I've done something wrong so I deserve to call myself that. I am sorry, it's not my fault… I wish things were different. Maybe if I wasn't the piece of shit that I am today I would be loved by my father, and in consequence I'd know how to love, but now it's too late, his love and presence will solve nothing. At this point his love can't cure me and I can't learn love anybody. I wish he could have taught me but he was never there. What man can I be when I've been raised by a succubus? I will always need my father to be there, but that place will never filled.
I am lost, my life is lost. I can't love myself.


They'll make you feel like you don't exist
They'll make you feel like your life is worthless
They won't even care when you're gone
They want you to die
They'll not admit it's their fault
when you're gone
They've been everywhere
They've been everyone


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I just want to enjoy one thing. I've tried piano, crochet, reading, writing, running, cooking, baking sweet things, baking bread, and drawing. Maybe even more that I've forgotten.
However somehow it all manages to be pure tedium. There must be some sort of hole in my brain.


Have you tried drugs?


the doctor kind or the illegal kind?


i have no idea of the last time i went and did something fun
i hate this site, the internet, books, media, i hate it all so much


I’ve felt similar lately. I’ve been getting really small glimpses of hope, but I just end up remembering how much of a clumsy retard I am.


You deserve the unfeeling because you're heartless, a monster. Humans will die just like any other animal, and I won't feel a thing because it won't be justified. The monsters should be dead.
You made your reality to be fictitious and in this story I'll be the good guy.


The only thing I have holding me back is guilt over my family and everyone as I don't want to cause a disruption and who knows what else. But I do feel it shredding away slowly. This is the year I was supposed to graduate and move on, but I dropped out years ago and I have a suicide method all equipped. I just need a very fateful thirty minutes and this can all be over forever.


A reminder that there's already a suicide general thread.
Also an ancient excuse.


For some odd reason I don't give a shit if depression is the reason my brain feels like it's rotting, but I get extremely nervous contemplating other illnesses like multiple sclerosis, dementia, etc.


>Also an ancient excuse.
Doesn't make it any less true.


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Feels like I've been caught in a snare my whole life, people keep telling me I'm free while I'm still hanging here.
I'm scared to be let out anyway, because all I see is a bigger trap outside my own.
Freedom doesn't exist, just differing scales of limitation.
When I die people tell me i'll be free, and while I don't believe in reincarnation, I believe that it's impossible to perceive non-existence.
This world is a trap, and as soon as you leave it you have no ability to appreciate it, and leave the trappers to carry on for the next poor buck.
It's a game you can't win, and you're the game.


It's not an excuse - it's a situation that highlights the internal experience of human beings which balance their sense of duty, will-to-power, and their own desires. When people discuss their desire for suicide and an accompanying will to shape the future and reality so that suffering they're experiencing does not poison their families experiences in the same way, they are discussing their confused inability to reconcile those forces and their inability to manifest action and actional motivation from this intention to shape the future without the motivational forces of desire, which are seeking relief and death.


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I'd spent so long overcoming the more severe forms of anxiety that my feelings got muddled I guess. It came to me today that I often have thoughts about neighbors making my life worse or generally being persecuted by other people, or the crowd. I always dismissed this as irrational anxiety and being related to my mood but because of something I'd recently read, the last time it happened I asked myself if I felt unsafe. I told myself I am safe here, I am safe and they aren't hurting me right now. That seemed to make my mind more at ease - all this time I'd been labelling it as anxiety but in reality what I'm experiencing is feeling unsafe. Unsafe around other humans, unsafe in society, and unsafe around my neighbors.

I don't think it's irrational. I don't trust other people and they are often abusive to me. It is weird how you can misinterpret emotions - anxiety and feeling unsafe aren't too different but seemingly are to my brain. I don't feel safe around other human beings, and knowing that I can handle it instead of being tormented by thoughts about them abusing me.


>Doesn't make it any less true
You can't know what their real thinking is only guessing from their action unless being a mind reader
If I say i don't wanna be a billionaire because I like being poor would you just take my word for it?


>I believe that it's impossible to perceive non-existence
That's the point of calling death freedom. Awareness IS the trap. You can't be aware and free at the same time, that's nonsense.


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Just venting.

My family screams at me to get a job, not even checking or having a conversation with me about how many jobs I actually apply to, which is a lot though limited because I have no experience or qualifications and a big work gap at the age of 24. Usually just a 10 second rhetorical question like, "How's the job hunt going" when obviously I'm not having any luck. They know I haven't been able to afford meds for how long, that I have no transportation so my options are limited, and they I don't have a diploma because I dropped out years ago, but their only response is just "find a job" with no help or support. I have 75 cents to my name, don't qualify for government assistance in my state because I'm technically dependent on my family still, and have no way to improve my living situation.

I hear all their conversations from my room, thin walls. They talk about me all the time but rarely to me directly about anything. I hear all their arguments between each other and the amount of shit that they blame on me as a convenient scapegoat. But they never talk to me until their frustration with each other reaches a boiling point, where they proceed to dump all that stress on me making my condition worse. I have opened up a couple times and gotten basically non-responses so it's pointless trying to communicate. NEET life is not comfy.


I had the exact same issue, anon. I'll say what I ended up doing. I doubt it'll work the same for you, but maybe it'll make home life a bit easier? Who knows.

Once a month, I would go out for a couple hours in a suit and come back to say I "had an interview" at some place I had applied (important: keep some record of the application you sent). In actuality, I would just borrow their car and drive and sit in a parking lot nearby the actual place. When my parents asked me about what happened, etc., I would just say the usual nonresponses I got from online applications (important: don't say "I wasn't the right fit," because HR never says that. They say stuff like, "We'll keep your application on file," as I'm sure you're well aware). When my parents tried to call me out on not even having an interview at a place (I called there and they said they never interview–), I would have "proof" that I applied there because I kept the online application I sent them. It never got to the point that they questioned me after this "proof," but if it did, I was prepared to admit that I was lying about the interview, because what could they really get angry about? Not getting interviews wasn't my fault. The few times I did get an interview (every single one was as awkward as you'd imagine a wizard would have), it just fit into the pattern and also went nowhere.

In reality, this was all just a scheme to show them proof that I had been applying. And it quickly turned anger into pity. It was interesting because after about a half year of this, my father changed from saying, "You aren't applying to enough places!" to instead blaming other people and organizations.


i hate that the most human contact i've felt in the past year is from strangers punching me or being aggressive with me


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>I just want to enjoy one thing.
I am absolutely desperate for this. Like you I have tried a mountain of things but nothing has stuck. All I do now is consume media and when a character I like is doing something (for example drawing) that is the next thing I am drawn towards, but just as fleeting as the media is I lose all motivation for it in days at best, hours at worst.
I don't think we are alone in this though, I think even normies of our generation suffer from this because our brains have been wired to be pleased by quick and instant gratification from things like video games or social medias. How can I convince myself to stick at drawing for a few years in order to get half decent when I can do something that gives me instant gratification?

This has been the cycle of my life for what feels like forever but in reality is probably about 3 years. It wasn't so bad because the things that give me instant gratification where still enjoyable but over the last 6 months or so this hasn't been the case and I feel worse than ever. It was the one thing keeping me going and it's fallen away, but I can't find anything to fill that void and I'm just getting more and more desperate going from "hobbies" like reading and drawing to alcohol and gambling.

We've just got to fill that hole with something, right? There has to be SOMETHING that will just click with me and that will be my thing. I'm so jealous of people that have anything, whether it's a genuine skill like playing the piano or just some obsession with train spotting, to have anything like that would be an absolute blessing but I have nothing at all and I feel worse and worse about that every single day.

This got really rambly really quickly. I hope knowing someone out there feels the exact same way is of some solace to you though. It probably isn't. Oh well.


Same, all those talks about a runner's high and endorphines after a workout are a crock of shit. The only enjoyment I ever feel anymore is tied to suffering, because it's release more than anything.


Not op but I've tried drugs during a decade of depression and never got addicted or wanted more, bought them off tor and they had their effect but after I didn't crave it back. Broken brain when you don't even get ducted - I eat too much but don't enjoy drinking or smoking either.


Try fasting.


I can't even shit properly. I can't write my thoughts. I want to die. I want to not be alive. Now I'm tired, but I can't sleep on this horrible couch. I can't wake up and I can't go to sleep. Is there any medication that will fix this? I should just get addicted to heroin, at least id have an excuse

I want to be consumed by a swarm of insects until I don't exist any more.


I greatly improved my diet over the last year from October 2018 and went from 102kg to 60kg, from "obese" to "underweight" according to BMI charts. I did initially enjoy the pain of hunger but nothing has really changed.
I can walk up stairs without being disgustingly out of breath now, and seeing visual improvement in my body was motivational during my weight loss, but that's it. I never stopped wanting to die, so I don't get this "diet and exercise" meme at all.
I have put on 3kg over the Christmas period that I want to shed again but it's purely a number game at this point rather than a health improvement like it was originally.


Wake up and my mother is moaning about politics, shouting and ranting about how shit everything is. Brother wakes up and watches YouTube trash that is just calling people idiots and talking heads mocking their enemies, which he then repeats to me. No I don't care about your politics and news, leave me alone.


I just scream, when family goes to work and i have time for myself I just scream, sometimes full on "griiifithhh!" others just low howls, why I must suffer like this?


That really had nothing to do with my post. Or anyone else's.


A very wizardly song.


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Has anyone here ever dropped out of society for any amount of time to travel, but not for tourism purposes?

I have this urge to resign from my job and walk around Britain and Europe for a while. I'm physically fit enough to do it, and have enough money saved to fall back on if I need a meal or bed in a hostel. However, I read a part of a book recently about Carl Jung (psychologist) and his idea of the Puer Aeternus (what we would call a manchild) and he states that it isn't rare for manchildren to be so averse to responsibility that they would rather simply roam around, sleeping out in the open, suffering poverty or whatever just so they don't have any responsibilities. Any thoughts on that? It honestly embarrassed me because I've been thinking of doing just that.


If you want to do it, and you don't see yourself regretting it down the line, I think you should go for it. Personally a lifestyle like that appeals to me, if I won the lottery or something I would do it.


Thank you. The problem I have is that I no longer trust my instincts. For example, last year I was allowed to move back to my hometown and work remotely, but for a couple of reasons (including self-loathing) I felt instinctively compelled to apply for minimum wage warehouse work nearby which pays much less than my remote job. I called up and offered my services and everything, but they just didn't call back for whatever reason, i.e. pure chance means I still get to work remotely. I also have a strong instinct to just kill myself a lot of the time, so I don't know if my instinct to drop everything and head off into the unknown is really just a way of my brain trying to make it so that I have no more reasons not to kill myself. Sorry for the blogpost.


Don't apologize, I'm always curious about the mindset of other Wizards to the posts I reply to.
I also thought about suicide probably every single day of the week for the past… 15 years maybe? A journey like that is definitely something I'd like to do with enough savings or if I knew my time is running out. Preferably the journey would never end, but if money wouldn't end, I'd just walk until I could make sense out of life.


Even normies hate responsibilities. They might not go as far as to literally wander away from them but nobody likes them and the desire to just pack a bag or two and walk is a common one among everyone who is under stress, not just "manchildren".

It's something that appeals to me but I feel like it would lose its appeal far too quickly for me to walk around England, nevermind Europe. That said walking from my home in the midlands to my favourite seaside (130 miles) sounds lovely. Googling the distance it's actually a lot shorter than I thought, I could get there in 2/3 days depending on my sleeping pattern.


How is life in the midlands? Are you in a rural or urban area?


I'm living at outskirts of a smaller eastern europe city. It's not bad, there's forests nearby and it's lonely in a good sense, doesn't take much to go somewhere remote where you'll be the only person in the vicinity. I'd probably like to explore my country first, and then go on bigger journeys further away. There are probably better starting locations, like Norway.


Tolstoy's weakboi archetype

whats so bad about it? didn't someone a couple years ago want to start a wizhouse?


i think about this all the time, the fact that we are enslaved by biochemical reactions and noone seems to care about this, or even think about it.

i wander about this too, if we are puer aeternus, then that's what we are, i don't worry about that level of meta thinking anymore, this is what i'lll end up doing too, maybe i'll see you on the road wizzie


If you get in to meditative walking it might be a taste of it. I used to do it for hours in a country park, now I think about it I probably could have done that for days instead of hours if I was in the right frame of mind.


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I will break down that's for sure.


I can't communicate. Nothing ever comes across the way I want it to, whether said aloud or when written in a post. I might as well be a mute, amorphous hunk of flesh who's trapped in a body that can only feel varying levels of pain. Even when I sometimes read someone else's post, expressing similar troubles to myself, far better than I could, all it does it make me feel worse and more alone. Even in my misery, there's nothing unique about me. I'm just a blob of nothing. Hopeless, worthless. At the same time, I take some solace in pretending I don't exist. I'm not here and I never was. That's what I tell myself. Whatever this thing I'm in, is something else. Having an existence is an extreme hassle, so it's better to view it as if it's not actually happening. I can set it all aside and feel a small sense of release, for however briefly it lasts.


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This sounds lovely anon. Thank you.


I've felt very lonely. Kind of empty, like I'm not real. I get very depressed, and can become very anxious. When I get anxious, I get the tendency to rip out some of my hair. I always want to rip out my hair.


I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back to normal, I'm sleeping all day and awake all night, I need to get a haircut and new clothes but I'm too exhausted to do it once it's daytime, I said I was going to stay up all day today but I don't think I can fucking do it, I wish I was fucking aborted.


Don't mean to be a normie, but I recognize your pattern of thinking and think it's a result of "catastrophizing", or taking a relatively minor issue and using it to justify fatalism. You can do it man.



Normies are emotional vampires. They draw on your pain.


Anyone who sees himself as a failure and is able to enjoy life can die.


Wizards are assholes. Fuck wizchan. I hope the Internet will be fucking overran by normalfags and that only facebook derivatives will survive. Fuck you. You know who you are.


what's wrong little buddy. did you finally find your in place in society? faggot crab


both Wizards and Normies are trash that is why i avoid human interaction


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It is part of the cycle really. Those of us who long for a home or group of people like us and think we find one in the outcasts of society. And then you are reminded what it means to be on the fringe of society, it means people who are craving for something to escape their suffering and cannot sustain the mental calm to treat people with kindness; especially if means the sacrifice of a moment of distracting entertainment. On the edges of society people consume each other.

I still feel it after years and reminding myself. This is not my home, anonymity allows us to curate the delusion that it is. It feels like betrayal but you should never have let your guard down or thought you could truly feel at home here. The struggling cannot really provide each other what they need, especially on the internet. Apes aping ourselves to death.




Didn't mean to sound so glum. Just know what this is so you don't get hurt, trade what it has without attachment.


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They really are and I agree.


That about sums it up. The internet, and really life in general, is nothing more than a bottomless abyss. Coming here is more an act of boredom & habit than anything else, done against my better judgement. If it disappeared tomorrow, I could honestly care less. There's nothing here I've ever held dear and it's really just another grimey window into observing example after example of disgusting human behavior and, as you said, our overall ape-like mannerisms. People are the same no matter where it is you go, which is why I've always felt so little at home here, just as is the case with everywhere else. I'm not saying I'm any better, but it's still nauseating to witness the perpetually annoying antics of other people, whether they be outcasts or not.


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Does anyone, like me, find life extremely boring? All I do is get up in the morning and sit down at my laptop and do some useless shit. Anime no longer fascinates me, as well as manga, music, movies, games. I'm not into anything. What should I do? How do people get to 50 and still want to live if all we have is routine? The repetition of the same actions is insanity.


Yep. I have the same routine. Work nights, sleep during the day, and do nothing in between.

It's rather boring, but i'd prefer it over whatever normal people do with their time


>How do people get to 50 and still want to live if all we have is routine?
They don't, it's called a "mid life crisis". It's where normies briefly wake up and realise how shitty their lives are even when they have the life they desired. No idea how they stomach life after that point though.


I wish I had enough money to hire a singing teacher to come to my house and get private lessons…
I'm envious of these two female singers. Their voices are amazing…
They combine so beautifully.

gives me goosebumps…
Solo quiero llorar y es que ya nada queda se fue nuestro amor… Las calles desiertas sin luz, sin sol, se fue el calor de amarte. Ya nada queda de nuestro amor…

naaaaa naaaaaa na nana naaaaaaaaaa
na ananaan ananan nanaaaaaaaaaaaaa
naaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


i saw the original vid for that gif on 4cha n /F like years ago, i can no longer find it anywhere, its will sasso, but i canot find it was an incredible video, u have it?


I have the same problem.
Life is so goddamn boring.


Both of you are right. Thanks for reminding me. It's human nature to be mean to each other and to point out others weaknesses regardless of context. Even the one who you thought is friendly minded only will act like that as long as he can get anything from you be it of material or psychological use. Once you appear helpless and don't contribute anything of value you are disregarded and hated.

>should never have let your guard down or thought you could truly feel at home here

I know it was dumb. I know that wizards are no better than non-wizards and I forgot to remember that in that one post. Of course another wizard directly called me out and bullied me. I guess I deserve it.


It wasn't dumb, you just need to keep it in mind. Balance and all that.


you mean the cleanfags in the wizcave thread? yeah fuk them


they have something to do that you don't


Found this out to be untrue. They do the same mundane shit as everyone else, they're just sometimes attuned to not get sick of routine as easily. And even then they get bored plenty if they haven't given themselves such a workload that stress is slowly killing them. Busywork isn't meaningful, but it sure is distracting.


I remember nearly choking to death a year or two ago, barely able to breathe and falling on the floor while my mother begged me asking what she could do. While I was on the floor the food came unclogged and when I got up I remember just feeling numb, thinking that I wasn't really panicking, that suffocating to death didn't seem that bad and that there was no emotional resistance just physical panic. It was like I had tunnel vision on my throat watching myself choke. I comforted my mother but I was just thinking about how it didn't bring up any emotions, and how much easier hanging would be.

I saw a video of someone choking just now and I feel totally different regarding that memory, I can feel a sense of loss now. I guess I know what it mean when people say they regret attempting suicide, I can remember the experience in a way but not fully. I'm getting better and one day I hope we all will.


Am I doomed to sit gere mindlessly browsing the internet forever listening to podcasts I couldn't give a shit about because I don't feel like looking up a brand new movie to watch, to all you who manage to game and watch all day, take comfort in thw fact you're not me right now, even if you aren't enjoying it as much as you once did, atleast you're not in a cycle of self torture watching reaction videos, haven't sbowered in a month, looking like a homeless person, I have to get into gaming again just to keep me sane, because you don't have to constantly find a new one every two hours like movies, I'm too lazy to look up new movies to watch because I only like horribly depressing movies and the movies thread on /hob/ is flooded with the autists on this board who enjoy beibg a recluse and watch retarded sci fi shit, I've definetly seen people post shit like reviews on the new Star Wars movies on the movies threads on this board, thanks for taking a shit on a potentially good thread by posting stupid shit like that in there, someone make a good depressing/suicidal movies thread full of masterpieces so I don't have to see fucking sci fi shit mixed in with good suggestions, maybe for anime as well, half of you anime fans are guilty of this, there are only like four good animes and I have to sift through cunts recommending that one anime with the kid transformed in the robot alchemist whatever the fuck its called, kill yourself for shitting up top ten anime lists with that piece of shit you fucking cunt


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how do i stop mindless escapism and start dealing with my problems
even a second of thought about how hopeless my situation is causes extreme suffering
i have to earn some money in order not to die homeless, but my only option is to be a shit cleaner for 150$ a month and i'm fucking terrified
oh god i'm so fucked


Yeah you're doomed, now go watch fullmetal alchemist you whiny fuck.


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My neighbours keep hammering shit and playing loud music.. I've already asked them to keep it down but they wont and my landlord is worthless, There's not much i can do anymore except deal with it.


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I always use my headphones for everything and I'm tired of it. I actually have some pretty decent pioneer speakers which I've barely touched and I haven't even used them in close to 3 years now. I live with my parents and despite the fact that I have my own room with a lockable door and everything, I'm supremely, autistically hung-up on my privacy and them being able to potentially hear what I'm watching, despite it only being subbed anime most of the time which they couldn't even understand anyway. I'm actually finally selling my fancy schmancy TV since, just like with the speakers it's connected to, I never use it because of the reasons I just stated. What's extra crazy is that even when my parents aren't around, I still don't use either the speakers or the TV, simply out of the habit of not using them. I'm literally just squandering/throwing away a perfectly good home theater system, purely out of autism and just generally delusional thinking. I really am my own worst enemy. Fucking stupid crazy cunt that I am. Everything I watch, I do so from sitting in my office chair at my desk and using my main computer monitor, even though it'd be far more comfortable and better looking watching it laying in my bed and using my larger plasma TV screen, which I haven't used in years and am now selling for no other reason than being too tired to fight against my autism, so that getting rid of it just seems like the easier option now. I'm fucking crazy, in the worst, most self-defeating and cringiest way possible.

I also literally just bought/received a VR headset, which I doubt I won't open or use either. I bought it in advance of me moving into my parent's basement, hopefully sometime this year after it's renovated, which is 2.5 times the size of my current room. Down there I'll finally have not only extra space for VR, but full audio privacy as well, since the walls/ceiling will be double hung and sandwiched with green glue (soundproofing sealant). It's just dumb because I could still use this VR headset if I really wanted to, but I won't because it's "not time yet" and other random autistic bullshit. It could also just as easily be the case that I don't move into the basement until next year (depending on how fast the renovation work gets done), which leaves me cringing even more at myself and all the self-inflicted bullshit I have to put up with. I have to say that a good deal of the reason I act & feel anhedonic is because of all of the above making many things I could do pretty much impossible to do because of my autism & OCD getting in the way of it.


I also had nothing to say, then I assumed that nothing at all was needed to be said.

Do not despair for attention or conversation, avoid them. Despise what you cannot have. That's how I achieved some peace about it.


What makes it so hard to stand?
Do you even a have a job?

You should have got rid of lack of energy, is it so that you didn`t?


>What makes it so hard to stand?
I'm not sure what you mean by this. What is "it"? Do you mean stand literally or stand as in "put up with"?
>Do you even a have a job?
I do. I'm not sure how that is supposed to help though.
>You should have got rid of lack of energy, is it so that you didn`t?
No it never helped me with energy at all. I've started taking caffeine pills when I get too tired to concentrate recently which has been a bit helpful. I never feel energized even with the pills though I just have enough energy to not fall asleep in the middle of the day.


Randomly passed out on my couch/futon for like 5 hours. Just the other day, I did the same for like 12 hours. Trying to decide whether I should stay up, or to actually unfold it and go back to bed 'properly'. I've lived as an agoraphobic shut-in for well over a decade now, but somehow falling asleep randomly for hours at a time still makes me feel noticeably discombobulated & turned around. I find the more I succumb to fatigue/sleep, the more easily I succumb to it in the future, creating a feedback loop of sorts. I honestly feel damn near narcoleptic at this point.


I feel sickened by how everything has to be justified by happiness. I am disgusted by how that has to be the bottom dollar denomination for everything in this godforsaken world. Happiness. Is that all there really is? I'm still not convinced it isn't just some convenient myth like the toothy fairy or Santa Claus, and it isn't just something that you stop being able to believe in or feel.

I'm not really sure I want to be happy.
Even if I did, I'm pretty sure it's unachievable.
Even if it was, there are other things to do.

Let me suffer.


I just read this in Werner Herzog's voice.


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I've never understood the concept of people "feeling less alone", when they sense they can identify with the thoughts/experiences of others. If anything, I just feel more alone when reading such things, since not even the sort of stuff I should feel some recognition in, ever awakes anything in me except emptiness & gloominess and an almost overwhelming confirmation of how alone I am. After all, I'm alone in what I see, hear, think and feel. Lots of people might like some random thing I like, or commiserate with this or that sensation, or what have you, but I'm still alone in experiencing any of it. Because, at the end of the day, I'm alone in even perceiving these things, or anything else, so how can I ever feel less alone, when that's all any of us ever are? There's simply no escape from it, any more than there'd be an escape for our brains if they were to try to claw their way of our own skulls. The oft repeated phrase, "You are not alone", is like hearing that if you smack your ass three times and spin in a circle you'll die instantly, at least in terms of its sheer, reality defying absurdity. Well, in other words, I just don't get it. Solipsism within this extent is undeniable & inescapable as far as I'm concerned.

Even whenever I post or reply to someone it's really just turning the proverbial release valve on my own psyche and all the backed-up sewage therein. It's a form of release that quickly diminishes in a matter of moments, like a mental/written form of taking a shit basically.


Another day, another half-assed attempt to learn how to code.


I feel bored all the time. Does anyone have a similar feeling?



On one hand there is a small solace in knowing there is someone who deels the same but on the other hand I would much prefer that no one else feel the way I do. I hopw you find something to keep you tethered to this world.


I do.
Don't even know what to do on the internet anymore. Everything's boring.


Me too

Guess i have to go outside and live a life now

Thanks Shizchan

I guess


Mere contacts with family members give me mental blocks.
The worse is they keep annoying me because they "know better".
Wish they would just disappear and let me live in peace.


I don't know. Intellectual Wizards who attach deep pictures to their posts about boring life are very interesting.


that's because you're looking at it all through a microscope. You're like this old succubus at the theater with her binoculars seeing only a hand or a hat at a time, not the whole picture. Most people do these things for a greater purpose. God, family or something else.


Its unbelievable how easy parents waste money on useless shit they saw in TV ad. It would not be so bad if they would save some money but Nooo, they must spend.


I started coming here when I was 21-22 years old. I'm 28 now. I remember wondering if I was an actual wizard or just a failed normie. Now I know I am a wiz. Only 2 years until it's official.


Parents are giving the whole 'we dont owe you anything, weve done enough' speech. Like sure create life and then when it reaches an arbitrary amount of time welp its not my responsibility! That would be like if you owned an architectural firm that builds a suspension bridge and 18 years later it collapses; killing dozens and being like well thats not my responsibility.


Your parents don't exactly owe you everything besides shelter and to help you move out, I don't understand parents who raised there kids for so long but to kick them out in the streets to be homeless or killed. But you should also try to move out and live your own life, your parents wont be with you forever, a creator always has to die.


MDE tech toys


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Made progress on identifying and handling my extreme depressive mood swings and now I have to learn to handle normal emotions that I haven't had for years, before everything was a burning hellscale and it still is some days. Now I have to managed these other emotions and thoughts which I can but it's endless.


I am tired of this world. Everything encourages me to withdraw further into a protective shell. This world just stabs you where you are vulnerable and psychs you into thinking people value you. I am not meant for this dog-eat-dog world. Nothing feels okay. I grew up always feeling that I was an unwanted pest when I all I did was be the quiet kid who sits alone in the corner. Trying to be more outgoing or outspoken just got me into trouble. Fuck it. I am a ghost. I spontaneously materialized this world upon birth and I will dissolve without a trace when I die. Childish things comfort me. Keep me warm. Make me feel cared for.


I feel like a lot of the posts I've written in these crawl threads could've really been threads of their own and actually should've been in most cases. Especially since one tends to get more feedback that way, considering also the additional possibility that most users might just have the crawl thread hidden altogether. Oh well. Stupid me, I guess.


>That would be like if you owned an architectural firm that builds a suspension bridge and 18 years later it collapses; killing dozens and being like well thats not my responsibility.
Is the architect responsible for maintaining the building? I'd assume not and that other people deal with that, but I'm just picking apart your hypothetical out of boredom tbh.


Depends. If the crash was due to a discovered flaw in the design, he could be in trouble. Nobody's blaming the architect if the cause was neglect of maintenance/safety protocols.


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A succubus has been playing with my emotions. They just think they can do and say whatever they want without thinking about you. Then, when you do/say something, they pin it against you. I'm tired of all these hags, I was put on this earth to be walked over by whores, as they laugh at me. I'm not having it anymore, I'm becoming a true wizard and am going to live by it from now on. I'm done playing games I have no chance in. I want to sit out, and do my own fucking thing.


>A succubus has been playing with my emotions
For real bruh. Succubi today will always have several, if not dozens, of "back up guys". If you're a beta such as yourself you will always be at the back of the line.
MGTOW for life.


Not sure if this is a dep post or not, like 50%, but if I don't work on some studies, I'll end up killing myself, so I've decided to free myself up from video games and dedicate myself to studying to become happier.

So if I don't do it, I'll probably die, but if I do, I'll become a lot happier.

My sister is going to be paid $30/hr, and she's 1.5 years younger than I am, so I want to do this. She's fresh outta college.


wizchan 2020


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I'm parcially drunk right now, trying to drink myself to sleep with no sucess. I'm slowly leaving from apathy state and god, I don't know whats in my mind waiting to be realeased. Will it be rage? Utter sadness? Childish emotions? Last time it was the latter and it's no exageration to say it almost killed me. That's what happens when you were a mentally disturbed child, growing up among mentally disturbed people who didn't gave a shit to search help for you even when you tried to commit suicide. Accumulated emotions, never know when they'll be realeased, and their power could be fatal.

"At best", I'll enter apathy again. I really can't decide which is worst, no emotions or all of them together crushing your soul? A cold empty hell or a destructive firy one?


You seemed to have mistyped 4chan.org/r9k/



This site really is just a joke to most people it seems. Oh well. What else is new.


what it'S 2020 already? damn…


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Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about the people who suffered depression in the past. The idea that today we have so much more information and material about depression but it seems impossible to seriously discuss it with people, I think about how much worse it must have been in old societies. But maybe it's an error and modern society is worse because everyone is wrapped up in their stories, in the past maybe I'd just sit there unable to move and the village would say demons are in my mind and would be more helpful than the modern person who thinks this experience is their experience of changing mood and experience through thought and action, self assuredly using language that isn't mapping to whats happening.

I think a about me crumpling on a battlefield, me crumpling in weakness as someone raided the village, and feel for that niggah back then. Weak depressed wizards through time. But maybe this truly is a disease of growing up in this social structure and we didn't exist in the same way. Who knows, who cares, I still have these thoughts. There's someone out there feeling it.


sorry new to here, still trying to understand it all


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Anyone else try to deal with everything via compartmentalization and prioritization of life tasks?

For me it's

Personal - Remembering to sleep, eat, clean myself / my bedroom at times, shower, exercise, go to dentist every 6 months. These are some of the hardest to me but always feel the most successful when I manage to do them all.

Money - Anything related to getting money, or to do with work, I have been trying to get another job that is not as social as current one, not going well due to very limited employment where I am

Consuming Media - Have a big list of TV shows, movies, music, games, books, graphic novels, anime/manga, webpages that I want to experience, but never want to and I just watch Cops and YouTube and the same 3 movies over and over again, not doing very well on this front

Creativity - Trying to make a game, write and teach myself animation, but never feel like it when coming home from work, also would like to do Twitch streaming but I sound autistic on any voice recording so maybe let's not do that.

Learning - Been trying to take some MOOCs online, read different stuff, learn how to cook foods, even been trying to be a better conversationalist by studying myself and trying to develop some normal interests/learn what my opinions are on various matters and create a normified identity of myself. It's not going very well.

Social - This is the lowest priority for me, because of the difficulties involved, been forcing myself to spend time with the family even though every year I dislike them even more. Making friends is also almost impossible because not sure where to even start. Forget about sex lol. I also include things here like moving out and improving my appearance since they are so low on the totem pole at this point I wonder if I will ever do them. Traveling is another one to just kind of forget - time and money.

Been thinking a lot about society and the Western canonical of literature: http://sonic.net/~rteeter/grtbloom.html
It's just a book list of the most important books in Western culture split into generations. It's very interesting how the ancients were so consumed with the forces of nature and gods where their entire lives revolved around appeasing gods and worship. Eventually people started to realize that that was all bullshit, of course there were still many religious people and still are, but as a whole humanity turned toward feudalism and medieval age and started to worship kings instead, I guess thinking that if they served an important person, they would become important, but then things changed again in late 1700s where people decided to rebel against kings and become democratic and live independent lives, except they still obeyed their families and fathers. And in the 20th century people began to believe that living under fathers was also bullshit and they started to live completely alone in urbanized society. We're just dealing with the consequences of that now but most of the world, in my opinion hasn't even moved past the obsessions with gods/important people/their parents yet, and it seems living alone is bullshit too, it only causes sadness. So what is the next step, I wonder, maybe to have each person live on their very own private planet with space travel? And just have AI automate all tasks. Of course time spent immortally in leisure is depressing as well. As would living alone on a planet full of robots that obey you.

It seems that man just needs to conquer something or someone in order to be happy, to feel like they've mastered or created something successfully that will last forever. And thats something I can't really do because of work and I'm not sure how to climb out of it all. The compartmentalization helps a lot if you can take advantage of your own OCD like that. I just try to include all possible tasks that I could conceivably do under various umbrellas, that way I know there isn't possibly more that I could be doing.


People seem to treat me like a retarded leper or something. Cashiers treat me with disdain, coworkers ignore me, etc.

I'm glad people ignore me, as I prefer being alone. It just kind of makes me feel like I'm repulsive, even doing simple things like shopping or working.


I wish I moved out. My household is a breeding ground for mental illness.


The worried glances as they herd their children behind them. Their hasty steps echoing on the road as they cross the street, just to avoid walking by you. Their downcast faces. Their downcast eyes. The smiles that evaporate in your presence. You might as well arrive in a gleaming horse-drawn chariot with the sun in tow, for your magic is just as deadly to face head on.


>The smiles that evaporate in your presence

This always makes me feel like an intruder. Feels like everyone lives in their own happy small social world and when I come people are reminded that all this is a delusion. I don't want to have this effect on other people but they react like this anyways.


>that strong desire to kill yourself just after waking up


Last night I was robbed by gunpoint while walking home. They took my wallet and cell phone. For a couple seconds during the robbery I feared for my life, thats something unexpected coming from someone who hasn't spent one day since new years eve without thinking about suicide, guess it was my primal survivalistic instincts kicking in…


i'm so sorry wiz.


wow dude i hope you are relatively fine now i can only imagine a fraction of the terror you must have feeled
Do you live in the US and were the robbers black?


why does it matter if they are black or not, you crabs need to stop feeding into the /pol/ mindset


> when I come people are reminded that all this is a delusion

what do you mean by this? I find it curious that our presence can break their illusions


being racist has nothing to do with being a crab
being aware of the differnces between the rate of white and black violent crime is not racist



Thanks, I'm fine now. I live in Latin America, the robbers weren't full black, kind of light brown. My id from work was in the wallet, so I'm paranoid about they coming to my workplace to finish the job or maybe trying to get some money with a quick kidnap.


Today is election day in my country and I have 2 hours left to go and vote. I haven't slept well this last few days and been having depressed thoughts during the day. I'd like to simply not go but there's a fine of 100 dollars.
I'm so tired, I haven't showered in a week and don't wanna leave home for that.
I guess I'll cut my fingernails, wash my face, and brush my teeth, to not draw any attention to myself.


that sucks, i've never voted in my life thank g-d i don't have to


>I'm paranoid about they coming to my workplace to finish the job
They finished their job, they weren't hitmen.


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I just eat and sleep. I barely do anything anymore. Used to post on imageboards everyday, now I'm back to lying in bed and watching TV all day.


it's really embarassing to have bipolar episodes, just yelled at some succubus in extreme anger because she wouldn't mind her own business even though i was already pissed off, when this happens i yell all kinds of shit that makes me look like a total crazy dude and i can't control it. afterwards it feels extremelly uncomfortable to think about what happened in a clear state of mind and eventually something like this will get me in trouble even though i would never physically attack someone and i just want to be left alone. i am pretty sure that some people in my area know me as a crazy retard because they saw me snap at some point


I’m so fucking sick of dealing with chronic pain. My life is just an endless stream of suffering. Just make it stop, please for fuck’s sake I can’t take it anymore.


I can relate anon, Try to write reviews in a notebook or your head in order to feel productive, but I don't think you're gonna make it tho


are you sure you're bipolar? it sounds more like people and strangers keep fucking with you, anyone would snap and constantly be on edge under those circumstances


bipolar episodes last for weeks at a time and have a ton of other symptoms. What you had was a momentary loss of control of your emotions. That's normal.


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I think I'll go downhill all the way this time. Took me long enough. Being forced to get a job last june in combination with urgent health issues was what tipped the scales.


What's your plan now


Rot off of savings for 3 months and hope I'll lose this current identity over that time. The goal is to dumb myself down enough to have my only concerns be food and shelter. I don't want to have to think about life and death and my body and the state of the world etc.


Not that you care what I have to say, but losing your money isn't going to change the brain chemistry you're stuck with, unless you're gojng to die from those health complications soon you should probably get a better plan because being mentally unstable and broke at the same time doesn't seem great, but you know your situation better than me


I have tried to follow a degree of faith in the past week. Although I have not started more traditional prayers, I have made do with repenting my personal faults. This has been assisted with reading Pope Innocent III's "On the Misery of the Human Condition", which reflects my personal thoughts after dealing with, by and large, humanity. However, the desolation of Man has also made me powerless to follow any higher power – it not only implicates those around me who live dreary lives, but also myself, a man who has not yet progressed beyond living an endless guilt without any satisfaction (this guilt is not made through any purpose other than existing on Earth). I am wiped out.


I wish I weren't as depressed as I'm right now so that way I would be able to help my grandma with her senile hallucinations. Instead I have to just cope with it and act as if nothing was happening because my stupid dad and uncle don't want to provide any real help to improve her situation.


I don't know what to do with my life


All video games and media boring, pointless chore. NEET life coming to end in 8 years.
Refreshing wizchan even though nothing is going on except gayposts on /b/.
Decide to check out another imageboard.
>sex, sex, politics, sex
Okay back to wizchan.
Jesus what is wrong with my life just let me die in my sleep already.


>>sex, sex, politics, sex
what's wrong with it? some wizards here fap to 3d porn


Imageboards of all sizes used to house discussions covering all topics, but now they're all just exploited by marketers and ex-fratboys to spread the word on what celebrity has the biggest body parts. Remember that a great deal of men flat out lose their sex drive, even more so if they're depressed, so to have to sift through pages upon pages of genital pictures in the hopes of coming across an interested topic that itself isn't riddled with random porn sprinkled throughout is a chore.
>some wizards here fap to 3d porn
And there's a permanent debate on whether those people are wizards at all.


Should i start smoking in effort of trying to cope with anxiety? I've tried several anxiolytics and SSRIs, but they seem to be useless for me. Nothing is working. I can't keep existing like this.


Have to remember to stop using the internet. It's a waste of time and upsetting on top of that. Nothing of value comes from it.


It's depressing how many shopkeepers treat me suspiciously. Security guards follow me I feel like. Probably because I'm ugly and weird looking but I've never stolen anything in my life and act quite politely to people. Norman social world is unpleasant.


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it's the horn effect it happens to me to because of that i'm treated like shit or not talked to, the cashier completely changes her/his face to a digusted look when it's my time.


I cut myself almost every day to cope with stress, loneliness and unfairness of this world. I have a borderline disorder for that matter to make things worse. Can i still call myself wizard, or should i consider myself a disgusting poser?


where do you cut yourself?


Smoking will provide short term relief but in the long run your anxiety would be just as bad if not worse plus you'd be facing worsening health problems so no I don't recommend smoking.


Probably because you look nervous from social anxiety but they assume it's because you're going to shoplift.
Are you black? hehe


I bet you're underage.



Does not seem wizardly at all.


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Every day before I go to sleep, I wish myself dead in my sleep. But not only does this not happen, but I still have shitty dreams. I wake up every time in a bad mood.
What do you think is the probability of dying in your sleep?


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I do that so often it's how I calm myself to go to sleep. I daydream that I've died and then I start having very peaceful daydreams.

Unfortunately, dying in your sleep is incredibly rare.


i'm 23 and i'm more of a desperate wizard than all of you normies put together
hope you all die


You are an apprentice. Not only because of your age but also because to every wizard it should be obviously clear that the world is meaningless, unfair and painful. These are the conditions the world is made of and if you end up here you should know this already. Now the question is what do you make of this? Cutting yourself seems like you are looking for attention. Which to me is not wizardly at all.


>the world is meaningless, unfair and painful
I'm aware about the shitty existence i'm forced ot live in. Not helps with the physical torture that is my life, though.
>Cutting yourself seems like you are looking for attention
From whom? I've never had any friends and nobody even knows about my very existence. The only "attention" i ever got from it is when i got thrown into a psych ward by my retarded parents because of it.

Not everyone is lucky enough to live in a developed country and is able to afford alcohol and dope to ease the pain, unlike you normalfags are. There is literally nothing unwizardly about cutting if it helps you with coping and you're not getting any social profits from it, so stop pushing your retarded normie agenda.


Holy fuck I'm such a narcissist. I love my mom, I only live because of her. God bless.


>5 days into uni
>Falling behind everyone else despite doing my best
>Fucking exam today
>a pajeet nigger is giving it and is going to be a dick about it guaranteed
>anxiety through the roof
>depression seeping in
Send help guys


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I'm having wonderful dreams every single day but waking up and realizing it's all just dreams makes me want to kill myself.

My dreams are 100 times more interesting than my life. I hate living. My life is a joke at this point. God is laughing at me from Heaven and saying: "Nope, you'll never have a good life. You'll never have the things you want. The best thing I can do for you is to make you dream about stuff you'll never have, you freak".


Been hitting me often. Only the groggy 5 seconds between sleep and cognition are tolerable.


How do you recall your dreams so well?


>There is literally nothing unwizardly about cutting if it helps you with coping
If you think this then why did you end your first post asking if it was unwizardly? You clearly know it's an action comparable to """depressed""" teenage succubi craving attention so why ask the question at all, especially when you are just going to shout down anyone disagreeing with your judgement?

>The only "attention" i ever got from it is when i got thrown into a psych ward by my retarded parents because of it.

Yes, that is attention. Well done. Not sure why it's in quotes though.

Cut yourself all you like just don't bring it up here when you know exactly the reaction you will get. Unless this is just you looking for attention again. In which case well done, you got it.


There we're cutting threads in the past. He could search those in the archives first.


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Me too wizzie. I almost always have pleasant & interesting dreams each night as well. I'm quite thankful for this because I couldn't imagine not having that to enjoy each night, or worse, being plagued with unrestful sleep or chronically bad dreams, or whatever.

Then again, like yourself, the act of waking up from such dreams can be a bit of a downer in & of itself. I tried to explain that to my mom once, who almost never has any nice dreams apparently, and she just kept saying, "Well, at least you have nice dreams!".

I'm an agoraphobic hermit in real life, but in my dreams I travel across the planet & my own universe of imagination. I can actually talk & interact with people, while finding myself on one flight of fancy after the next (like orbiting an alien planet in a translucent bubble ship, or simply seeing myself as someone not crippled by debilitating depression or clinically diagnosed autism). I can explore and do all the things I'm incapable of doing in real life, or that simply aren't worth doing as a default (like leaving the house, or talking to other people beyond imageboards).


Not him, but often, at least for me, it's more a feeling than anything. I might not remember them fully, but they manage to leave a residual echo of pleasing sensations behind. You just sort of know you had some nice dreams, but sometimes the best that you can grasp are merely some brief images or scenes from said dreams. It can be frustrating though waking up and saying to yourself, "Those were some great dreams I just had", and your brain just goes, "Hahah, what dreams?", whenever you really try to recall them, but they keep slipping through your fingers like running water.


I've been invited to attend an event in a few months. I have no excuse not to go (it's so far in advance) but I don't want to, and yet I kind of owe it to the people who asked me to go. Not sure how to respond, in a way that won't be rude. I think it'll end up with people taking a ton of photographs to post on social media, which makes me afraid and nervous.


>3. Do not post about voluntary real life social activities (e.g. going to a bar or party).


God. The horror.


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my brain is rotten; i've hurry sickness and a panic disorder that makes me overthink everything (even the most meaningless) of my actions in an obsessive way, thus i want to do a lot of things and fast but do nothing because i can't focus on something wich (the two combined) leads to severe anxiety.

I listen to music and browse chans all day but like i was in a hurry,i don't take pleasure by doing that, i do it mostly because it is the fastest way to get dopamine hits, i rarely read things (i have to force myself) and rarely write, i scroll very fast and stop only when i see a pic i find interesting and then continue to scroll. Im at a point where i consider a good day a day when i've been able to watch a movie or played a video game, sincerely that's all what i ask for; comfiness, but my tortured brain says otherwise. I sincerely think i'm at the edge of becoming a drug addict, i can't support this anymore. Actually i'm more ill than depresed but the depressed part is that i'm a NEET with all the time in the world but i do nothing, everything is a chore, everything is tiresom and stressfull to me, i've tortured my brain in a way were just living becomes painfull, fuck it. I was diagnosed with autism when i was a child, i thought it had dissapeared with age but i'm starting to believe it has actually worsen and took a new form.
Even writing this was a chore but i feel a little better but for how long?


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For most of 2019 I had been moderately depressed, but not outright suicidal. At the start of it, me and my mother had moved to another place due to essentially getting kicked out by the landlords(Not through any fault on our end) and searching for a job was tough but I did it, and it was actually a job that wasn't even that bad. It sucked in some respects, but I liked it. My last job, it made me suicidal and I'm STILL recovering over the mental trauma I suffered over it.

Well, a year later and now we'll likely have to move… AGAIN. Due to fucking raccoons in the fucking attic. I fucking cried my eyes out earlier man. I very rarely cry even for dead family members but something broke in me realizing I'd have to move and probably get a shitty suicidal inducing job all over again. I now hate raccoons more than any other animal and I'll probably go to jail over them because if I see them while walking I'll probably go into a rage and attack one on sight.



It's a soul crushing feeling when you see things are somehow getting better and suddenly everything goes downhill because of a tricky event that just randomly occured indulcing catastrophic consequences to its victim's life. It's so fucking surreal


>I listen to music and browse chans all day
>i do it mostly because it is the fastest way to get dopamine hits

Stop. Stop right now. Your brain is overwhelmed with this shit. Just don't do this to yourself. Embrace the void and the pain. After your brain is back to zero you can go on the internet again. But take your time. Your brain needs nothingness even thought i feels horrible the first hours/ days.


Does anyone else here get email anxiety? I got an email from someone from a few years ago, telling me another person wanted to get in touch with me. I responded this morning since it would have been rude to just ignore it, but I already feel like I am going to be punished for not just remaining secure in my isolated comfort zone. Anybody relate at all?


Theres nothing else i can do. I have no joy in other activities neither can i focus on anything else


I'm a very judgmental person, half the time I'm on here I'm responding to someone telling them how they're wrong or how I dislike they're post/thread, it reflects how in school I was mean to friends I had, if you ever had a friend that was a nerd like you but was kknd of a dick to you, I was that guy, idk what's wrong with me, I'm just a grumpy bastard who hates everyone and wants to die


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i went outside after 2 months to go to the library to get a library card so i can go there next week and get a book so i can fuck off home to read it. screw reading anything in the library, it's filled with normalniggers making all kinds of annoying noises. This was my most productive day in ages, i had to be a little bit inebriated just so i could interact with the lady on the front desk, i'm pathetic.


This is something I've been meaning to do for years but keep putting off. I envy your level of productivity. I don't know why every day I just do nothing


i can relate, i've always been an asshole to the few friends i had, i was a fucking hypocrite and hated myself for that, i think it comes from the fact that i've been raised by succubi (absence of father) and god know how much vipers succubi are. i hope i was different but it seems that you can't change your personality, i have to live with that unwanted burden all my life..


I was the same, probably for the same reason. Created by two succubi, mom and grandma, both with an extremely toxic personality. I've always been a dick to everyone, sometimes even cruel and evil. In some point in my teenages I realized how that was simply not me, but fragments of my family's behaviour rooted in my personality. Now I'm totally cured from that shit, I judge no one, it makes me happy to know I was able to overcome at least one of the shitties they brought to my life.


Any wizards with dead parents? Been thinking about how I'll manage when they're gone, mostly worried about what'll happen to the house more than anything else


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you're just a fat cunt. You're letting out your insecurities onto the only people nice enough to deal with it. I hope you really are a wizard because I'd hate to see your face in the outside world.


I don't like receiving messages on my phone, nor sending them out, same goes for my laptop. Too much anxiety in deciphering a person's message and responding. Responding's the worst, I hate having too becayse I end up just rereading my resposne and overthinking what I had said (or how many messages I sent, etc) I haven't received one in a while though. That's why I like imageboards, I feel like I'm reading/messaging all these people while remaining anonymous.


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be nice if I can delete memories of myself from people like that succubus in the harry potter movie, so everyone would forget me.
I never boasted about depression or mental illness, but my family picks up on it but they're not considerate, they keep trying to figure me out and I don't like it. they're looking way back into my past and making connections based on nothing which just ends up triggering bad things that I want to forget,ultimately I end up torturing myself with the past, they can't accept that I simply do not enjoy participating in this world, I do not want to work, they can't fathom the fact that a person does not want to get up everyday for the next 40 years or so going to a job that he hates just to make ends meet, living unhappily just for the hope or living happily.
ironically enough they also do not enjoy work, but they take pride in being able to do it and create happiness from sharing their frustrations at the workplace.
I haven't worked in a long time and I was in low skilled labor, I never got a degree so my options are limited, being anxious of work doesn't help, it's a terrible place to be.
I don't want to work ever again.
I don't want to die, but suicide only makes sense.
it's like playing on a corrupted save, the game's glitched need to reset.


I think something is wrong with me. Both my big toes have been numb for months and this morning I woke up with one of my thumbs going numb as well. I'm just going to ignore it though because I'm too lazy to go to the doctor.


Mine are old and we don't even have our own place to live for the last 13 years. Renting all this time. Means I'll go on the streets when the time comes. So don't be too anxious.


it's because you never stand, literally. Not enough blood is circulating to your feet. You can lose a leg from it.


>Other, often less obvious, elements of mania include delusions (generally of either grandeur or persecution, according to whether the predominant mood is euphoric or irritable),

I just call it anxiety but I guess sitting all morning with intrusive thoughts about being attacked by mobs of Normans could be considered persecutory delusions.


Today I could not get out of bed almost the whole day. At least I had some interesting day dreams.p


Going to work at a shitty workplace is such a hellish existence. The worst part about it is waking up every morning and commuting back and forth to work. Putting in all of that effort just to get tortured, every. single. fucking. day. If you are a misanthropic wizNEET who has not experienced work yet, I can assure you that if you ever do, your hatred for humanity will intensify to a level that you cannot even imagine.


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I've often worried & thought about this too, while also being quite curious as to how other wizzies managed to weather such a thing happening to them. Seems most wizards currently here, or in the past, who have grappled with losing their parents are also the sorts of wizards who have jobs & an education and are already living/sustaining themselves on their own. Off the top of my head, I can't recall ever reading anything from here about autistic hermits, or hikikomori, who have lost their parents and how they managed to weather it. I suppose it makes sense you wouldn't hear what happens afterwards since that's essentially the end of the line for many in such a situation, with them either killing themselves or remaining in a position of permanent homelessness, or some such similar fate. You'd think if it were the latter though, that some would at least check back in on wizchan at some point. Even homeless people can use the internet at a library, or something. Maybe those wizzies just don't give a shit about ever saying anything here again, since they'd obviously have much bigger problems to worry about, so I guess you can't blame them.

In my case, my parents aren't terribly old yet, but they're getting there. Having said that, they could very well live an extra 10-30 years or, on the flipside, end up dying a year or two from now. You just never know.

I'd say I'm quite lucky though, since this house will hopefully, assuming everything continues to stay stable, be paid off within the next 5 years. Once that's done, even if my parents were to die, the house will still be here for me to live in. I get a rather large sum of autismbux every month, which would be more than enough to cover what little I'd need to survive living by myself, along with accounting for the utilities and such. Again, if all goes well, I'll simply be alone & drifting on in this quiet old house, until someday I just keel over dead and rot away on the floor, only to be found a month or so later by city officials, resemblant of those "lonely deaths" that take place in Japan & elsewhere.

Besides random variables, my only concerns are that my parents might die before the house gets paid off, or that the "everything bubble" bursts and the entire world economy goes crashing down in flames. I guess if it's the latter, then it'll be me and hundreds of millions of others who are also screwed over and left to die. In such an event, I'd pin my hopes on the normalcattle to finally start some bloody revolution against the 1%, which itself could even lead to a stronger social safety net and more autismbux for myself to enjoy. Without the true parasites of society draining & bleeding society dry in the range of hundreds of billions of dollars (Raytheon, Shell, Citibank, all the corporate cocksuckers & billionaire class as a whole), there would be more left over for someone like me, who's really at the moment enjoying something akin to UBI, which should be an inalienable right for every individual across the civilized world and would be if not for the corporate cocksuckers & billionaire class blocking it, or wanting to control & corrupt it for their own ends. Of course, if we're realistic however, a bloody revolution wouldn't lead to anything good. People are too brainwashed & stupid to realize who's really been fucking them all these years thanks to mass media & consumerism and, even if they did, it'd either be wiped out in a flurry of police/military suppression & drone missiles, or be a pyrrhic victory for a society that's already been pushed off the brink and can never be brought back again thanks to the corporate cocksuckers & billionaire class sucking the marrow out of its bones. Like killing some disgusting fat guy who's already eaten all of your supplies. The damage is done & it's too late and the best you can do is wring the neck of the fucker that did it, even though he can just go laughing to his grave anyway with both middle fingers firmly raised for having already gotten what he wanted. Think sorts like the Koch brothers, Warren Buffet, Mark Zuckerburg, Trump, Bezos, deep state people we don't even the know the names of (etc.), who have essentially ruled the world as demi-gods of wealth & power, conning the world for all it's worth and then going to their death bed whispering to themselves, "Fucking suckers. Hahaha.", assuming they weren't deluded enough to be able to actually realize that, that's what they are, but their deluded sense of importance gets in the way of them realizing this, so they don't.

Anyway, that was a random tangent. Well, like I said, I just hope things stay stable, both on an immediate level for the continued good health of my parents, and on a broader level for society itself, which would torpedo both my situation, and the situations of hundreds of millions of others, were to it suddenly go belly up. Which, itself, is bound to happen quite soon. Within the next couple years I'd imagine, once the overdue financial crisis hits and washes everyone away in the tsunami of mayhem that will more than likely follow it.


God, I wish I could go back to the days before I heard about testicular torsion. My left nut is starting to ache slightly, almost not even noticeable and yet I'm freaking out that maybe it's gonna get worse because my nuts are twisted.


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I committed myself to doing too big of a project. I know how I could do it in theory, but actually doing it all is going to be such a giant pain in the ass. I should have just contented myself with thinking about it and never said I would actually do it.


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I wasn't having good dreams
Now I can't even sleep
I'm so tired of this…


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I guess feeling persecuted is a base emotion and instead I always thought of it as a complex emotion. If we consider persecution as a feeling of unfairness and social abuse then the same feeling would exist in social apes, like much social behavior like abusing lower ranking apes to feel better and unload stress. The feeling of persecution can be observed as a reaction to emotional situation rather than a cognitively caused emotion.

Being reminded of being a subject of abuse ( outcast male ) will bring up feelings of persecution as a base emotion, that then are built on. Observe you have these feelings even if they're slightly incorrect yet founded in real world experience of being treated poorly and objectified for others entertainment, in real life or on the internet. They can be accurate as well if the feeling is just the response to social situation, and the lowly apes getting hit by high ranking apes feel it too; it is a feeling we have to accept and work with.

Especially since expressing the feeling of persecution or being treated unfairly will produce negative and abusive replies or social reactions from other people. But if persecution is a natural feeling then such abuse at expressing it is even more damaging, trying to cast it as a cognitive judgement on truth rather than a feeling. I can not say to people that seeing how people treat me and dismiss me makes me feel persecuted without a mocking response I believe.




What project you commited to do?


Becoming very paranoid of my place being burglarized when I'm not home. I wish I could just be a NEET and always be home.


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This site really gets on my nerves sometimes. I popped in on /lounge/ for the first time in a long while and now I just feel angry, disgusted, and just generally unwell. An utter cesspit of IQ lowering brainfart threads/posts & hostile shitposting. The anti-/dep/, fanatical 'truewiz' gang, ("durr, gotta be 100% asexual to be a wizard, being depressed means you're just a failed normalfaggot in-cel, lol") that's present on most of this site is also a rather familiar, not to mention annoying, pack of LARPing cunts which I wish would just go away already. /lounge/, at least to me, has essentially always been the main hive of this sort of shit, and to a lesser extent /wiz/ & /meta/.

That lovedoll thread managed to seriously agitate me and is honestly a perfect example for how disgusting /lounge/ is. Both for how clearly much of an inane shitposter the OP is and all the 'truewiz' LARPing cunts coming out of the woodwork to drop their facade and laugh at this joke of a website that they helped create because they're a pack of contemptible fucking sadists that just want to twist & corrupt wizardry in such a way that they can insult & bully the lowest of the low, by using the very concept of this site against them. I'd flay the lot of them alive, the OP & the 'truewiz' cunts both if I could. /lounge/ is literally just an outpost of kiwifarms and /b/ and is a home for LARPing wizchads & miscellaneous outsiders to laugh at & mock actual wizards and I'll never be convinced otherwise. The "hide all posts/threads from this board" feature has never been sweeter, but it's simply throwing a rug on a festering bio-hazard of cancerous disease ridden plague.


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I was watching a cover of a song I'm learning to play and it was so bad that I couldn't believe how many likes the video had and the people on the comment section admiring the awful performance, then this comment caught my eye…
Some men are truly despicable. Why can't you just say it like it is, her cover is SHIT, the guitar is shit, she is off beat, the chords don't even match. I don't even know shit about music but I can tell this with zero knowledge of musical theory just by listening, you deaf pieces of shit. Go get anally raped by belzebub and die in a fire. You don't deserve to have access to internet you crapheads with no self-worth always sucking a vagina. Shit's unbelievable.

>Oh you did a bad job, but it's actually good!!!

>but she put a lot of heart in it, so I AS A MUSICIAN will hire her for my band just based on that! She gave it all and that's what counts!


You should calm down a bit and find something more pleasant to browse. Imageboards are dog vomit in general. There are barely any human beings left. Their hearts are black and they are proud of it.


Do any of you think that life is terrible and meaningless for everyone at the same time? It's just that some people are delusional and don't want to admit the truth. I thought for a long time about what kind of life I would like. What would I change if I had a magic opportunity? Nothing. Because everything is equally dull.


>meaningless for everyone at the same time
a kid doesn't give a fuk about meaning
only when find yourself not enjoying anything will you find for meaning
does a kid find a meaning for eating ice creams?
do you find a meaning for masturbation? i think not
same case with having sex


Have you ever considered that you are the one who's delusional?


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It's hard to admit at first, and I suppose that to make yourself feel better you'd like to oversimplify things… Sadly the truth tends to be ugly, but who knows, maybe you're among the lucky ones. But I'm sure that my life could be 1000 times better just by changing one or two things. So if I could change one thing, it would be my parents, and along with that their nationality, as result, the place I was born.

I don't believe that we share the same reality, here in the third world, you can see the differences and it blows your mind. The inequality whether just or not, tells you all you need to know about whose life is better. There's so many aspects to life, you would be afraid and tired to keep thinking about how good they have it.
The differences can't be overcome by simply making rules, not those that are product of your very genes. That's why I say that I'd change my parents.


Reason is over-rated. It's just your mood. When you feel a prolonged positive or neutral mood you can look at the world in the same way but you just don't feel any negative reaction. You can see life as being born on the backfoot and needing to do do all this effort just to reach a peace, and if you're in a good mood you say yeah, sure, and I'll get to that. If you're in a positive prolonged-mood you'll say yeah and we can win, and if you're depressed it sounds like absolute hell and you can't move your body to do it.

Going up and down through different moods in mood disorders shows you that. The same thoughts, the same words, the same ideas are totally transformed in to different prolonged moods. When you feel content or happy in life none of that shit even makes sense.


GO at least for a walk, but soon





Fuck all the normies who got addicted to percocet and benzos and scared doctors into not prescribing them to people


Anyone know good information for closing yourself off from others? I'm one of those people who has trouble not feeling others emotions and my mind always seems to emulate others and want reconciliation, it makes me so weak.



I replied to you, but I was temp banned for /meta/ talk outside of /meta/. What the fuck ever. /meta/ is pure cancer and everyone insults & belittles each other for fun. No way I'm posting over there, so cut me some slack mods.

Well, I just want to say that I appreciate your words and you're right. Thanks for understanding.


I'm suffering a fucking panic attack over having to take antibiotics for the first time in my life. I feel like I'm making a huge mistake getting my wisdom teeth removed. Watching my body and self deteriorate year after year… I'd rather just end it.


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slowly accepting it will never get better


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Get some stickers and signs for home security, install some cameras (real or fake) Utilize good hiding spots for valuables.
The purity spiral posting is definitely an outsider attack using a tension point. I just hide them.


Understanding is a strong word because it's possible that we talk about different things even. But at the very least you and everyone else who feels that way should stop fueling their pointless hatred with your own to avoid such nervous situations, to not hurt yourself. Many of them will grow up, too many of them are influenced by media which contains nothing but filth and misery. It's also very important not to be arrogant towards them. Because everyone can change and silently atone deep inside. Even in this internet apocalypse era where nothing makes sense and decent behavior is laughed at. Believing in people contradicts everything that is happening on wizchan but sometimes it's worth it. Thank you yoo.


>If you are a misanthropic wizNEET who has not experienced work yet, I can assure you that if you ever do, your hatred for humanity will intensify to a level that you cannot even imagine.
I can confirm the accuracy of this post. Normies always know you are different and go extra hard to make sure they load everything on your shoulders until they crush you. And if you work hard, you should know that they will find a way to claim your efforts as their own.


I experienced two jobs that were soul-crushing too the point where i'm terrified of typing "job" in the word search or going into indeed, the jobs I have around here is fucking awful and I have to get a job back soon or later.


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One more hour and ill have it.



>Understanding is a strong word because it's possible that we talk about different things even.

Fair enough. I don't actually disagree, to be honest. Just the fact that you offered some neutral advice & observations is enough.

>But at the very least you and everyone else who feels that way should stop fueling their pointless hatred with your own to avoid such nervous situations, to not hurt yourself.

Yes, I know. And yet, even still, I slam my hands down on proverbial stoves anyway and then complain about the burn marks/anger that doing so leaves on me. It's like someone who hates pro-lifers, or whatever, but then chooses to go & get triggered over it, by lurking or browsing exactly where they're likely to find the sort of thing they hate. In my defense, however, I hadn't opened that board in close to 2 years and really just did so on a whim out of pure boredom, even though I knew that it'd probably just irritate me greatly. Which, of course it did, so I came here to vent about it, even though I pretty much just saw the sort of filth I expected.

It bears mentioning however, that I also get somewhat noticeably irritated even when lurking other websites as well, like Reddit, or what have you. I find a lot of things get on my nerves, especially the narcissism & mannerisms of, well, essentially everyone, even myself. There's nowhere I can go to escape from the contempt & disdain I experience from other people when I observe them. Popping into /lounge/ just brought it to a fever pitch and you're right that I shouldn't do that, since it only serves as a detriment to myself. Still, I find myself sometimes getting that irritated after looking at the front page of Reddit, or what have you, and seeing all the stupid, ego-gratifying, propagandist, self-absorbed, and brainless shit that's often there. All the boards here, aside from /lounge/ & /meta/, serve as my little fish bowl. It's cramped & dull at times, but at least it doesn't bother me all that much most of the time.

>It's also very important not to be arrogant towards them. Because everyone can change and silently atone deep inside. Even in this internet apocalypse era where nothing makes sense and decent behavior is laughed at. Believing in people contradicts everything that is happening on wizchan but sometimes it's worth it.

I'm not saying you're wrong, but I'm kinda indifferent to this. Whether they change or not, is no concern of mine. I'm not saying I'm any better, just that the antics of most people irritate me. I don't really see a solution for this, other than that I have a very low tolerance level for other people. This is mostly a bad thing, since it'll just lead to one being irritated at pretty much everything other people do or say, which is exactly the kind of problem I have.


I have bipolar disorder, I hate this so much, what a waste of life, I can never be consistent, I wish I just had autism or something like that but instead I have to deal with stupid moods all the time

after a big slow wind down I finally hit rock bottom soul eating depression for no reason at all, as it usually happens

meds are only like 20% effective I’d say, fuck this stupid mental illness, Id really like to hurt myself badly so much



Alright, after this explanation I can say that I understand completely. Except I do not feel angry anymore, just a bit upset when I see certain behavior. I was angry in the past, then I felt really like shit for days, but now it's easier to manage and deal with it. I don't know the exact reason. Stopped browsing many places, even rarely. Then some years passing and making things not that irritating. The complete realization that all this internet noise has no power over me and my mental state and things I enjoy. I think this is important to anyone who chose a solitary life. Do not let them to assault your last hideout - your mind and find a small bit of peace while you are alive. They will hate and humiliate each other for eternity, without your participation in this chaos, so give yourself a chance to breathe. Do not think that you don't deserve it.


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how the fuck do people manage to stream showing their faces? What the fuck? I see myself on the screen and I feel uneasy watching me making gestures, moving my mouth, etc., it feels too weird.
Confidence must play a big role in this, and I must have misjudged mine.
There's too many factors… I've never seen myself as someone asocial but everything proves me that it's the opposite case. To be able to do such thing I must achieve an state where I don't care that much about others and be sure of myself, but is that even possible?
Showing your face… Why would it be so hard? Oh, I get it now, I'm too embarrassed. Not of my face, but of the person that I am.
But then why did I think that I could?
How many other things about me have I misjudged? Fuck this brain. I'm convinced that I cannot do something that I thought was normal. I didn't take into account what it really meant.
Maybe I need to grow older, much older. Then the internet wouldn't seem so scary. There's something shameful that my eyes only see in myself.


Why do you WANT to show your face? What does that add to the stream? How does your face being there make your stream any more likeable?


I DON'T wanna show my face. But I asked myself what IF I actually wanted to do it like the rest of the streamers? Would I be able to? And I discovered that the answer is NO. So I'm pondering why is that… and in the process I'm discovering things about myself.
I reached the conclusion that showing my face is not even a decision like I thought it was because I thought it to be unnecessary for the stream, but rather because I don't have the capacity.
I'm simply not that person and it's surprising to me that I have never suspected it in the least, it may have to do with the fact that I have never actually considered doing anything like that.


Overblown confidence + low self-awareness. I also think people who weren't using the internet regularly prior to this decade have this narrow conception of online interaction where it doesn't feel "real" to them unless they're doing it through their real life identity. I've seen it sometimes in places where people are commenting on current events where posters who use their real name and picture will dismiss other posters who use screen names and avatars as disingenuous trolls who must have something to hide. It's a complete failure on their part to understand how the internet works. If serious measures are taken against anonymity someday, it will be because of these assholes.


I forced myself to go on omegle when it was quite new with webcams, I predicted it would be unpleasant from my experience in real life of being insulted. I wanted to toughen myself and expose myself to negative abuse to endure it, since in reality it was a safe environment back then.

It worked really but it took a while and it was still unpleasant when people insulted me. I gritted my teeth and push through, rationalized some of it away, and I haven't done it since but I think I could handle it now, I also worked on feeling anxiety IRL at the same time which worked as well. There can be many reasons to be apprehensive about it.


Pink hair? I don't undestand



You're worried about having to show your face, but simply needing to speak would be the impassable barrier for me. I hate my own voice and I couldn't stand listening to it back. I have a very dull, deep (but not in a good way), voice that is very drone-like & boring. I sound just like the sort of muffled voice you'd hear over an intercom in the background of some random dystopian science-fiction movie, or whatever. Even describing it as that gives it to much distinction, frankly.

To be honest, I hate how accessible streaming is. I don't really have much of an excuse not to do it, other than that I'm afraid, anxious & lazy. Lots of people stream without showing their faces or speaking, but even just streaming silent gameplay feels like too much work, not to mention pointless in some way.

What I really hate even more is just streaming itself, along with YouTubers & new internet media in general. I just want it all to die & go away forever. Long ago were the days now when none of this shit even existed and people just did what they did alone and had no choice, but to. Instead of now where, speaking of at least to gaming, with it having been twisted from a largely solitary activity into another form of social currency & path to petty internet celebridom, or, more modestly I suppose, attracting even just a little circle of others to watch & pay attention to you. It sickens me and I hate it. I want this to die. I hate it. I hate what everything has become.


Neither do I. Probably just them following any sort of trends to stay relevant to their viewership base, I'd imagine. Worthless fucking scum. Makes me sick, frankly. Would they strap a vibrating dildo to their head too, if it meant staying relevant and being able to gain more viewers? Bowing to the whims of popular trends, no matter how stupid/asinine, simply for continued attention & financial benefits shows such a staggering lack of character, personality or personal integrity. No better than the corporate whores you'd see on TV, to be honest.


This world is truly insane.


The only important thing in life, in my opinion, is having a clean conscience. Without that, I don't see the point existing.



I'm confused. Are you agreeing with him, or insulting him? Just curious, since I'm autistic and semi-ambiguous posts like yours are hard to interpret correctly as an autistic person.


Agreeing because I can't even comprehend many things I accidentally stumble upon on the internet. The post about pink hair was mine because I really don't understand WHY. But due to my limited English I just replied to someone who summed up the situation really good instead of explaining my own thoughts.


Loneliness is killing me
I need a job to have a social life


I want to return to my true home.


And where's that?

Your mother's womb?


Responsibilities and all were noble back when society still actually needed everyone to work real hard or else you'd all be fucked. Now work is literally counterproductive because it just pollutes the environment to satisfy some foolish egotistical preening. Everyone can survive with very little effort thanks to technology, so it's not about surviving, it's just about pride and vanity. Go roam if it calls to you, there are no great responsibilities that require your attendance, not until things fall apart anyway.


I have bipolar as well, its just a shit life. How self destructive has it made you?


I don't want to live anymore … just wanted to say that


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Nothing to be done about such things. It is what it is, wiz.


Release yourself from pointless jealousy as soon as possible or it will eat you alive.


I'm not jealous. I feel nothing about that. Thanks for sharing that clip, looks like a great movie.


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Life getting worse has time goes on, family has lost hope on me, brother hates my guts and wishes my death, endless shit-talking behind by back, walls are thin and i hear everything, the entire world has rejected my presence since birth.

Suicide is my only option now
I pray for Lord Jesus to save my soul, i don't want to suffer anymore, i want to feel love and be loved, with God


The obese and diabetic old succubus who was walking to me to give me my change tripped with nothing and fell flat on her face. She didn't stand up and remained there crying, another diner who was next to her exclaimed 'oh no' and took 20 seconds to get off his chair and try to help her. He didn't move her while she was crying in agonizing pain, the succubus who worked with her who is just as old and obese as her asked me what happened, since she'd probably heard the commotion. She was looking at the street, in the opposite direction, and I told her 'the succubus who I just payed fell', she didn't understand so she asked me again, this time I responded saying 'Your friend fell', her expression slowly changed and she emitted a sound that I doubt she sincerely felt, like everyone there. I didn't move at all or made any sound. When I saw her fall I immediately remembered the conversation she was having, about her blood sugar not going down, and about the pain she felt in one of her toes, that according to her was resembling a black olive, all this just 3 minutes ago, while I was still eating. I remember her saying something about trying to remain calm, because that was all could do in her current situation.
The succubus was only 6 feet from me and time was running, she didn't try to stand up, and while I'm writing this I wonder if she managed to stand up, she was obese and old as a dinosaur. The man who planned to helped her took my money from her hand, which she kept holding it high, like a torch, and gave it to me. He came over to give me my money without taking his eyes from the succubus. When the money finally touched my hand, I turned back and left, not before thanking her for the exquisite meal while she was still with her whole body facing the ground, crying. I don't think she heard me.


Are you a Christian, what's the story behind that


Jesus, anon, no offense but you should have stayed and helped her up, or at least waited until she was ok. I'm as autistic as they come and even I would helped.


I keep having to walk downstairs to get ice for my soda


Someone threatened the company I work for with a legal complaint last week, and I immediately felt guilty / terrible and wanted to resign. If I was mature I would analyse this emotion, apply for different jobs, or make some kind of concrete plan. Instead I just feel really bad, make plans to resign, remind myself how little work there is in my region, and continue working albeit feeling worse about myself for doing so.


Yesterday I took 10mg of Xanax in the morning because I was feeling more depressed than usual and I wanted to sleep/not remember the day. Then I went to a psychiatrist appointment and the guy knew I was on drugs but I denied it.

Due to me spending the money on all that Xanax, I wasn't able to afford all my medication. I was only able to afford my antipsychotic and my antidepressant (which doesn't fucking do anything for me anyway so I don't know why I take it). Now my mom is on my case because she knows I'm supposed to be on 6 medications but she saw I only bought 2.

Sorry for the blogpost. Needed to vent somewhere.


I couldn't have helped, I'm small and week, we're talking about an obese succubus, American size obese. That's why I left. That man who gave me the money was big and strong enough for that job.


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Any other UK wizards getting trouble from this storm? Heating's fucked, and for about 3 days now it's been perpetually cold, can hardly play video games anymore because it feels like there's some fan blowing cold air at my legs whenever I sit at my desk
just want this shit to be over, but I'll be able to get solace for about a week before spring comes about and it's too hot


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I keep wondering what it's like being normal. It seems like more hassle and work than being a wizard. Constantly worrying about climbing the work ladder, having to socialize and maintain social relationships, etc.

Their interests seem kind of boring, too. I'm not trying to say I have some amazing taste in hobbies or media. It just seems like normgroids just watch Game of Thrones and hockey (or soccer or football or whatever), play Madden, listen to radio rock/pop. Nothing wrong with it in and of itself, but thwe have no interest to dig deeper.

I know this is isn't anything new, but it's been eating at me lately


The few normalfags I've known are pretty knowledgeable and don't have a superficial knowledge about the things they love, and that's something that I lack. It's funny, because they do have reasons to learn about dates and events and how things work, while I just don't and therefore do nothing and I'm always reluctant to learn anything at all or even do things. It takes me a lot of effort to live unlike them, they enjoy life and have motives to do things. It's unbelievable.
I'll never forget when my teacher took me out of class to have a serious talk with me, to know what was my problem, and when he asked me what were my dreams, what did I want to accomplish, short term goals, long term goals, etc. I told him I had nothing, that I lived for nothing and will probably die like that. I was not interested in anything, maybe in literature but that faded away quickly when I discovered that it was just vanity on my part. I didn't like being alive. I only went to school to simulate that I existed like the rest. To not arise any suspicion on my parents. I might not be a human at all in that aspect. I have no ambitions. I recognize my biological needs and follow them if I don't find them too harmful. I'm gonna kill myself eventually because this life has never satisfied me. I recognize my disgusting animality and I'm disappointed of being like this. I'm disappointed of my dad and mom. I'd kill everyone if I could. That's the only rational thing to do, to kill everyone and then end one's life.


Reading this really hit hard, I didn't like anything and had no dreams or ambitions, I hate life and I don't belong here. The only thing I like is consuming mindless hobbies for a short period of time and then I just go back to not liking a single thing, can't relate to anyone and I disappoint my parents and brothers. I act alien around them and rarely talk to them, i'm a complete fucking mess, I can't even do good in an online fucking college class with so much time on my hands, i'm fucking useless and garbage, fuck i'm losing my fucking mind.


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I fantasize about murder & suicide everyday. I feel very easily irritated at everything. The anger, hatred & misery is enormous. All I feel is either hatred, or emptiness. My main regrets in life will always be that I never managed to murder a bunch of people, or that I was ever able to commit suicide. I hate myself and I hate other people and I just want to destroy it all in one big conflagration of hatred. Pain. Emptiness. Hatred. It's overwhelming and it's all I ever feel. Every single day, I'm either fantasizing about mass murder, or suicide. That can't be healthy, but I don't care. I just wish I had the balls to do do one or the other. I want to give into psychotic bloodlust, murder my entire family then go murder a bunch of random people, which would be topped off with me simply blowing my brains out. Some people wish for good health & lots of money. Meanwhile, I just wish to fully embody hatred and get revenge for my, and everyone else's, mere existence on this disgusting fucking planet. I hate you. I hate you all so much. I want my revenge on this world, I want my revenge on nature, I want my revenge against the fucking demiurge. As it exists in me, everyone else, and this very planet/universe.


If the daily struggle of my life wasn't enough now I don't even feel safe anymore. 3rd world country, living in a neighborhood conquered by thugs and gangs, not even the police is trustworthy. The odds of one of your coworkers, neighbors or anyone around be part of a militia are high so you must be careful with every word that comes out of your mouth so it don't trigger their inflated criminal ego. I hate this.

Wish I had skills or weaponry to at least feel a bit protected but citizens are not allowed to have guns in this stupid country, and hardly a pocket knife can overcome a pistol without a proper skill set and training. Maybe I'll arrange some bulletproof armor and wear it under my usual clothes.


That won't work if they shoot you on the head, which they probably will. That's coming from another 3rd world wiz. I can relate to you, all these other 1st worlders don't know their luck.


Fair. My judgement may be skewed because of either the normgroids I have to talk to, or the things I talk about them with.

Some normals may have a deep knowledge of music, others sports, or cars/mechanics, whatever. They just don't see, to talk about it with me around.

Like you, I suffer from ennui. I go through my routine because it's, well, routine. I derive little actual enjoyment from it, but it would feel weird to do anything different. I also have no ambition. I work in a job that pays my bills. My needs are met and I don't need anything fancy. I don't need for anything. So why bother overexerting myself for nothing?

Maybe that's tarnishing my views on normals? That and my subpar interpersonal skills


Consider the following: You are allowed to feel good even when you do nothing. Normies culture is based around the premise that you have to do something, express your suffering, engage with the world and put visible effort into stuff, just so that you are allowed to feel okay/ good. There is absolutely no conceivable and rational argument for this premise. At best you can assume religion, metaphysics or an other system of beliefs to advocate this premise. But it's always based on an irrational idea with no existential necessity whatsoever. If as a wizard you admit that the world is meaningless and absurd then you know that it is allowed to feel good regardless of who you are, what you do and what you have done.
When normies say 'be yourself' it mostly means to them that you have to socialise because humans by default are social beings to them. This is an other form of unnecessary belief. In fact the phrase 'be yourself' refers to the correspondence of your brain to your experience. One needs to learn how the brain reacts to external situations and stimuli. If a given situation causes you stress, pain, negative emotions etc. it means that your brain is not made for this specific situation. To be yourself then implys to avoid such situations and search for situations not causing negative emotions but well being. If you enjoy socialising then it's only your brain responding positively to the situation. And yes I advocate normies to socialise if they enjoy it. It's not worse or better than buddhistic meditation, ascetism and so on. If you react positively to meditation, go for it; if you react positively to socialising, go for it; if you react positively to alcohol, do it; if you react positively to anime or video games, it's okay; if you react positively to full blown drug addicted hedonism, it's ok; if you react positively to self-discipline and hard work, go for it; if you react positively to full blown mute shut in NEET life, go for it; if one of the above makes you feel bad, avoid it - really it's all a matter of learning how your brain works and how it reacts to things because you ARE your brain which for a grown man is a hard deterministic variable that was formed during your childhood, environment, genes, past etc. which you never had the chance to change to begin with. Be yourself means to live accordingly to how your brain structures and experiences reality. And there is absolutely no moral reason to not acknowledge this truth as in fact you are allowed to feel good even when you do nothing, when you are in bed with closed eyes and fantasize, when you think or when you don't think. The only authority to prescribe you what you are allowed to enjoy is your brain which can and will simulate pain and suffering if you don't listen. It makes you remember who you are so don't play someone else because your brain will hate it (when normies say fake it till you make it they lie to themselves as their brain actually demands them to be productive and social other than most wizard's brains).


Congratulations, you jjst solved depression and suicide, just tell your brain not to be depressed and have fun, can't believe no one thought of that before


Try to drink coffee


>There is absolutely no conceivable and rational argument for this premise.

Agreed, and that's part of the problem, it's all just instinct. Normalfags are happy and we are not because they are doing the things that have evolved to make them happy while we are not. It's that simple. You just have to accept you will never be as happy as a normalfag without those things. For example, think of how often normalfags laugh when talking to each other. Now think about how often you laugh. Clearly they are more happy than you are even if you are not suffering. This is why I no longer try to treat my depression. I have accepted it as a part of my personality but I still admit I am depressed. You just have to settle for the least bad option available to you.


You don't understand. We do not tell anything to our brain. We listen to what our brain tells us.


I'm thinking of quitting my job on Monday and travelling (mostly on foot, maybe on public transport too) for a few months on as little money as possible. Not for tourist reasons, but more as an attempt to clear my head and try to start afresh upon returning to my hometown. Would welcome any suggestions or personal experiences.


I tried this by buying a camper van and doing a road trip for 4 months but suddenly once I did this everyone in my family wanted to hear updates about how my trip was going. If I were stronger I would have just told them to fuck off to get the peace and solitude I needed but I ended up feeling pressured to take pictures of tourist shit for them and answering their calls. It was weird I felt pressure to be doing things just so I would have something to tell them. They just didn't understand why I wanted to get away, they all assumed it was for tourism purposes and they wanted to live vicariously through me. I didn't know how to explain otherwise so I just let them believe it. Other than that it was okay. I walked around in the wilderness for a long time most days, saw a lot of different landscapes, but in the end, nothing changed, I didn't really gain anything from it, it ended up costing more than I expected and in hindsight I probably would have just rather had the money to let me last longer between stints wageslaving. I ended up getting depressed once I could tell that the experience was not really giving me anything valuable and I went home earlier than planned.


Thanks for posting, genuinely appreciate it and fear some of the things you mention (e.g., coming home early due to disillusion).

Did you quit your job to do this? And how difficult was it to find work afterwards?


I'm such a fucking loser. Literally every person I have ever known is either doing something with their life or rich enough not to need to. I have accomplished nothing and am too poor to keep living like this, I have no idea what to do.>>214652


added that tag at the end by accident


Parents agreed to take in my cousin for a couple days. Then they started asking me a million questions about my work. Like whether I was full time, etc. Despite me answering them a hundred times before

I wish they'd fuck off.


Yes, I quit my job around 3 years ago. I never went back to work since. I have been neet most of the time since graduating high school with just a few short 1-2 year periods of slaving. I just can't find the motivation anymore.


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I feel like the world has developed into something antithetical to everything I believe in. There is nowhere for someone like me to be. Even if I found other people who agreed with me, we would have no way to carve out our own place away from everything. I don't belong anywhere besides a grave.



New thread:


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