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File: 1578182785910.jpg (364.23 KB, 1160x774, 580:387, download (2).jpg) ImgOps iqdb

 No.212817[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

 No.212821

So hard trying to delude myself into thinking my dreams are still out there while being a ugly retarded piece of shit. Can't get it through my head to just give up yet…

 No.212822

File: 1578195695852.jpg (34.9 KB, 620x330, 62:33, 1454145.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I wish I had my own place.
Sharing a house with other people fucking sucks.

 No.212824

File: 1578198681419.jpg (217.78 KB, 1203x752, 1203:752, yesyes.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>212817
These thoughts of suicide never ends, I know it will get worse when I find another shitty job that i'll probably quit early of how much of a pussy I am. School is going nowhere and my family pisses me off, I just want to finally vanish.

 No.212844

File: 1578274876090.jpg (20.27 KB, 323x346, 323:346, 1577302360049.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

My feelings always get in the way when im going to do something. I wish I could just turn them off for a while. I work in customer service so is important to keep a stable mood, but when something wrong happens is like my day is over and all my past bad experiences roll over my head.

 No.212850

File: 1578285472056.jpg (66.08 KB, 720x503, 720:503, 72647627846872.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

My rotten little lump of a brain always seems to hyper focus on the most annoyingly trivial shit. The sort of things that feel impossible to even describe given how both extremely convoluted & infinitesimally small their inherent nature is. It's extremely exhausting & numbingly painful, the fact that my brain is constantly attacking itself like this and that it's essentially been trained to inflict this sort of chronic mental noise on me through my own obsessive compulsive thoughts and other assorted self-destructive ticks. I feel a sense of resigned, hollow surrender when considering how malformed my mind was from such an early age and how it grew to drag me down into this rotten psyche with near total diminishment of whatever meager mental faculties I ever possessed (very little). Being born with a brain that's designed to torture itself is really something. Like building a robot with faulty programing, that just ends up recurringly smashing itself into a wall.

As an aside to this, I find myself making lots of unconscious mistakes these days. The sort of easily avoidable blunders I would've caught myself from making before, but am now almost perpetually asleep at the wheel over. Just a week or two ago, I bought a cheap picture frame for a poster on Amazon and failed to even notice that the shipping was a whopping $50.00 (more than twice that of the picture frame itself), until I just randomly checked my account a few days afterwards. That's just one example, but I could give you very nearly a hundred more. It's to be expected, I suppose. My brain's nothing more than a muddy puddle of degenerated gray matter by this point. That's what you get when one spends nearly 13 years locked in their room, without keeping their mind from rotting faster than necessary and in fact doing nearly everything possible to accelerate it. Miasmic rot in, miasmic rot out. I can understand how it happened, but it's still painful and it's not very pleasant to know how rotten & decayed I am and that the decay will only get worse and deepen faster & faster, as each year I descend further into my advanced mental decrepitude. We're all born only to be future corpses someday, but in my position it's hard not to see myself as one already and to also not feel the apathetic & muted frustration from that predicament, like some shambling zombie on auto-pilot weakly pawing at the air out of sheer bewildered fatigue.

 No.212865

Had another attack screaming and threwing things thanks to shitmily

 No.212866

All time low in anhedonia.
I'm no longer wishing I had the drive to do something else, I dismiss doing it altogether.
I could spend 16 hours in work daily and it would not hurt my productivity and hobbies, because I don't have any. I need to be finally put out of my misery.

 No.212869

>>212822
Same but when I think about it I remember a post in a housing thread from last year that went like: "You guys should accept you will never be able to move out" and then I accept it and stop stressing over it.

 No.212875

Im so tired of my moms tasteless fucking cooking. The worst part is she acts like she Gordon Ramsay. I brought home some fast food after work and my parents literally acted like that one scene from Freddy Got Fingered.

 No.212878

>>212850
You are an extremely interesting person

 No.212879

Everyone in this world is dishonest and treacherous and hate justice and love. They worship the devil and its demonic children, and is through these vices that are being kept alive, and they feast on my flesh and are not satisfied in doing so. I’m being eaten alive by these demons and they will haunt me because unlike them I do want what is right for me, history won’t change in any meaningful way to make this life a good one. There’s no condition to this life that’s in agreement with fairness.
Humans are hopeless and built on sheer selfishness. They will enjoy seeing you die, they will laugh at your pain, and use you whenever its possible. They will try and benefit from whatever little thing you have to offer, their immeasurable greed knows no limits. Your existence is that of a whore whose payment is a stabbing pain in the soul and guess what, they will not stop fuckin with you, because they believe that is your position in this life.
I don’t hate even though I’ve been trampled over and those feet will never see blood till the very end and maybe even then, blood will never show up. They should have cared.
They should have cared. They should have cared. But just like everybody else they are lies behind more lies. It’s unclear why people are this inconsistent. Who are really these humans? Would you waste your life preaching something you are not? In a sense, it shouldn’t matter because I know I don’t exist, to these people at least, I am nothing.
What memory have I become in their heads… I might be a pet that they played with for a month or so, had their fun but then decided to abandon.
I am a dog. An abandoned dog. Yet I cannot bark nor gnarl. There’s no point in doing those things when they have not the capacity to feel sorry for their actions.
It really doesn’t matter to anyone, not even to me now. I don’t feel sorry anymore. It’s all over but I’m still on the streets and will never know home.

 No.212898

File: 1578419694561.png (534.81 KB, 800x570, 80:57, 5B31ECE2-DB05-4A97-AAB6-ED….png) ImgOps iqdb

I want to die in a dream from the fact that I have a blood clot in my brain or heart. Who is with me?

 No.212903

>>212898
Are you Aussie?

 No.212904

File: 1578437812011.jpg (25.05 KB, 600x400, 3:2, gallery_medium.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I think I have schizophrenia and hear voices all the time to the point I passed out yesterday due to the overwhelming-ness of the hallucinations. I think I'll hang myself soon

 No.212905

>>212824
Honestly same

 No.212910

I think I may have BPD. I'm losing my shit and i take it out on others. Threaten to break things, yell, name call them, etc. I feel like shit afterwards and apologize. I hate myself for that. One thing that helps with getting triggered and what not is music. It has power of my intense feelings. I have yet to make an appointment to see the doctor about this shit. I want to get on meds or something, this is just something I can't avoid. Anyone else dealing with shit like this?

 No.212916

>>212904
What do the voices say to you?

 No.212917

>>212910
To be honest I wish I had only once in my life the guts to stand up and "take it out on others, threaten something and yell". For me that would have been an improvement to the constant passiveness and silence.

 No.212928

Got out the car to hear two older men, I believe, mocking my parking. They said something like "yeah I was just watching this, fucking terrible parking, shocking." I know I am not good at parking in reverse but still feels bad to have people openly insult it that I hear it across the road - especially since I didn't do anything antisocial and my parking was just slow and awkward but within the lines. I hate how people pretend normans lives aren't full of social ape language focusing on other people. This is what apes do and talk about.

 No.212932

File: 1578550745501.png (143.01 KB, 1632x752, 102:47, niheitsutomu.png) ImgOps iqdb

How can humans bear this world where one is being overwhelmed by external forces of all types at every moment? Cold, heat,itch, the air, the sun, illnesses, bugs,predators, other humans….. having to sell your very body and convictions just to see another dawn but even boredom is a form of suffering that can corrode your very soul. There is no second where one isn't being engulfed by the maw of this voracious existence. Yet we create the most ridiculous narratives in order to cope with the state of affairs. How can adults talk about "maturity" when they desperately need absurd children's stories to live? Are they even humans?
"But we are progressing and life is better now than ever before". We might have longer and somewhat more comfortable lives but no degree of technological progress will bring us the glory and the transcendence. New forms of exploitation, new kinds of boredom will appear while humanity as a whole keeps obfuscating and searching in every stone, every star and the very atom for something that isn't there because only infinite void is what lies behind all.

 No.212934

>>212932
buddhism my wiz

 No.212939

What hurt me the most out of all things my dad did was he forgot to call a therapist when I told him I had suicidal thoughts. I think it truly ducked up all my relationships

 No.212940

I should be at least applying for some jobs so I can give "luck" a chance, but I really don't want to work, especially not in the line of work I've chosen now that I realized how bad it can get.

 No.212968

I've finally just given up hope that I'll find any purpose or calling in the future. Managed to get myself a drug addiction too, so that's fun.

 No.212970

File: 1578660236152.png (235.44 KB, 626x728, 313:364, K3fR578787.png) ImgOps iqdb

cornered heart in a womb
time won't free me
everlasting discontent

 No.212992

File: 1578687805755.png (50.71 KB, 360x409, 360:409, tats bored.png) ImgOps iqdb

What if life is a simulation to see how long it takes till I finally check myself out?

 No.213004

Hey, wizard. Don't beat yourself up. Life sucks. We have problems. Nobody here is happy.

Those are all understatements, I know, but saying more would be saying less.

I hope that makes you feel better. We can't know each other's unhappiness, or help each other, but we can share our sentiments and feelings.

 No.213007

The most pathetic thing is that I really am genuinely trying my best.

 No.213048

File: 1578778550953.jpg (54.55 KB, 1008x720, 7:5, 1521264883320.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>Can't get a decent job without accruing debt you'll never pay off for a piece of paper

Life is beautiful.

 No.213053

Suffering from horrendous spouts of rage and anxiety. Lost my last job over it. Didn't care tbh. Got new one. Boomer supervisor at work is really fucking pissing me off atm. I mean at times things slow down and he can't fucking accept that sometimes at work there's "no work to do". Instead he bitches a moans constantly and annoys me over x and y and all this other bullshit. Makes my blood boil. Hope the fucker dies soon. Selfish prick. Or acts all smug that he "knows everything" or if something is wrong with the equipment he will proceed to try and make me "feel guilty over it" even though I for one am not a fucking engineer nor am I an electrician and two I couldn't give a rats ass. Honestly boomers are the single most narcissistic, annoying, selfish bastards on the planet. Can't wait for all of them to die.

 No.213055

I remember now that time I said to you that I was a piece of shit.

Was I right? You said that it wasn't true. But now I feel like that. I feel like a piece of shit. I feel like I've done something wrong so I deserve to call myself that. I am sorry, it's not my fault… I wish things were different. Maybe if I wasn't the piece of shit that I am today I would be loved by my father, and in consequence I'd know how to love, but now it's too late, his love and presence will solve nothing. At this point his love can't cure me and I can't learn love anybody. I wish he could have taught me but he was never there. What man can I be when I've been raised by a succubus? I will always need my father to be there, but that place will never filled.
I am lost, my life is lost. I can't love myself.

 No.213070

They'll make you feel like you don't exist
They'll make you feel like your life is worthless
They won't even care when you're gone
They want you to die
They'll not admit it's their fault
when you're gone
They've been everywhere
They've been everyone

 No.213074

File: 1578835669276.jpg (1.42 MB, 4032x3024, 4:3, jl15px2ulwo21.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I just want to enjoy one thing. I've tried piano, crochet, reading, writing, running, cooking, baking sweet things, baking bread, and drawing. Maybe even more that I've forgotten.
However somehow it all manages to be pure tedium. There must be some sort of hole in my brain.

 No.213077

>>213074
Have you tried drugs?

 No.213082

>>213077
the doctor kind or the illegal kind?

 No.213083

>>212866
i have no idea of the last time i went and did something fun
i hate this site, the internet, books, media, i hate it all so much

 No.213084

>>212821
I’ve felt similar lately. I’ve been getting really small glimpses of hope, but I just end up remembering how much of a clumsy retard I am.

 No.213088

You deserve the unfeeling because you're heartless, a monster. Humans will die just like any other animal, and I won't feel a thing because it won't be justified. The monsters should be dead.
You made your reality to be fictitious and in this story I'll be the good guy.

 No.213089

The only thing I have holding me back is guilt over my family and everyone as I don't want to cause a disruption and who knows what else. But I do feel it shredding away slowly. This is the year I was supposed to graduate and move on, but I dropped out years ago and I have a suicide method all equipped. I just need a very fateful thirty minutes and this can all be over forever.

 No.213093

>>213089
A reminder that there's already a suicide general thread.
Also an ancient excuse.

 No.213100

For some odd reason I don't give a shit if depression is the reason my brain feels like it's rotting, but I get extremely nervous contemplating other illnesses like multiple sclerosis, dementia, etc.

 No.213101

>>213093
>Also an ancient excuse.
Doesn't make it any less true.

 No.213103

File: 1578865433142.jpg (295.74 KB, 702x1024, 351:512, ext.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Feels like I've been caught in a snare my whole life, people keep telling me I'm free while I'm still hanging here.
I'm scared to be let out anyway, because all I see is a bigger trap outside my own.
Freedom doesn't exist, just differing scales of limitation.
When I die people tell me i'll be free, and while I don't believe in reincarnation, I believe that it's impossible to perceive non-existence.
This world is a trap, and as soon as you leave it you have no ability to appreciate it, and leave the trappers to carry on for the next poor buck.
It's a game you can't win, and you're the game.

 No.213106

>>213093
It's not an excuse - it's a situation that highlights the internal experience of human beings which balance their sense of duty, will-to-power, and their own desires. When people discuss their desire for suicide and an accompanying will to shape the future and reality so that suffering they're experiencing does not poison their families experiences in the same way, they are discussing their confused inability to reconcile those forces and their inability to manifest action and actional motivation from this intention to shape the future without the motivational forces of desire, which are seeking relief and death.

 No.213120

File: 1578882957033.gif (740.33 KB, 600x700, 6:7, ddfvlxb-1e256b2a-73af-4792….gif) ImgOps iqdb

I'd spent so long overcoming the more severe forms of anxiety that my feelings got muddled I guess. It came to me today that I often have thoughts about neighbors making my life worse or generally being persecuted by other people, or the crowd. I always dismissed this as irrational anxiety and being related to my mood but because of something I'd recently read, the last time it happened I asked myself if I felt unsafe. I told myself I am safe here, I am safe and they aren't hurting me right now. That seemed to make my mind more at ease - all this time I'd been labelling it as anxiety but in reality what I'm experiencing is feeling unsafe. Unsafe around other humans, unsafe in society, and unsafe around my neighbors.

I don't think it's irrational. I don't trust other people and they are often abusive to me. It is weird how you can misinterpret emotions - anxiety and feeling unsafe aren't too different but seemingly are to my brain. I don't feel safe around other human beings, and knowing that I can handle it instead of being tormented by thoughts about them abusing me.

 No.213126

>>213101
>Doesn't make it any less true
You can't know what their real thinking is only guessing from their action unless being a mind reader
If I say i don't wanna be a billionaire because I like being poor would you just take my word for it?

 No.213127

>>213103
>I believe that it's impossible to perceive non-existence
That's the point of calling death freedom. Awareness IS the trap. You can't be aware and free at the same time, that's nonsense.

 No.213186

File: 1578958873730.png (54.36 KB, 349x500, 349:500, 1482296768747.png) ImgOps iqdb

Just venting.

My family screams at me to get a job, not even checking or having a conversation with me about how many jobs I actually apply to, which is a lot though limited because I have no experience or qualifications and a big work gap at the age of 24. Usually just a 10 second rhetorical question like, "How's the job hunt going" when obviously I'm not having any luck. They know I haven't been able to afford meds for how long, that I have no transportation so my options are limited, and they I don't have a diploma because I dropped out years ago, but their only response is just "find a job" with no help or support. I have 75 cents to my name, don't qualify for government assistance in my state because I'm technically dependent on my family still, and have no way to improve my living situation.

I hear all their conversations from my room, thin walls. They talk about me all the time but rarely to me directly about anything. I hear all their arguments between each other and the amount of shit that they blame on me as a convenient scapegoat. But they never talk to me until their frustration with each other reaches a boiling point, where they proceed to dump all that stress on me making my condition worse. I have opened up a couple times and gotten basically non-responses so it's pointless trying to communicate. NEET life is not comfy.

 No.213197

>>213186
I had the exact same issue, anon. I'll say what I ended up doing. I doubt it'll work the same for you, but maybe it'll make home life a bit easier? Who knows.

Once a month, I would go out for a couple hours in a suit and come back to say I "had an interview" at some place I had applied (important: keep some record of the application you sent). In actuality, I would just borrow their car and drive and sit in a parking lot nearby the actual place. When my parents asked me about what happened, etc., I would just say the usual nonresponses I got from online applications (important: don't say "I wasn't the right fit," because HR never says that. They say stuff like, "We'll keep your application on file," as I'm sure you're well aware). When my parents tried to call me out on not even having an interview at a place (I called there and they said they never interview–), I would have "proof" that I applied there because I kept the online application I sent them. It never got to the point that they questioned me after this "proof," but if it did, I was prepared to admit that I was lying about the interview, because what could they really get angry about? Not getting interviews wasn't my fault. The few times I did get an interview (every single one was as awkward as you'd imagine a wizard would have), it just fit into the pattern and also went nowhere.

In reality, this was all just a scheme to show them proof that I had been applying. And it quickly turned anger into pity. It was interesting because after about a half year of this, my father changed from saying, "You aren't applying to enough places!" to instead blaming other people and organizations.

 No.213203

i hate that the most human contact i've felt in the past year is from strangers punching me or being aggressive with me

 No.213212

File: 1578997487755.png (559.83 KB, 707x1000, 707:1000, 1573921774024.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>213074
>I just want to enjoy one thing.
I am absolutely desperate for this. Like you I have tried a mountain of things but nothing has stuck. All I do now is consume media and when a character I like is doing something (for example drawing) that is the next thing I am drawn towards, but just as fleeting as the media is I lose all motivation for it in days at best, hours at worst.
I don't think we are alone in this though, I think even normies of our generation suffer from this because our brains have been wired to be pleased by quick and instant gratification from things like video games or social medias. How can I convince myself to stick at drawing for a few years in order to get half decent when I can do something that gives me instant gratification?

This has been the cycle of my life for what feels like forever but in reality is probably about 3 years. It wasn't so bad because the things that give me instant gratification where still enjoyable but over the last 6 months or so this hasn't been the case and I feel worse than ever. It was the one thing keeping me going and it's fallen away, but I can't find anything to fill that void and I'm just getting more and more desperate going from "hobbies" like reading and drawing to alcohol and gambling.

We've just got to fill that hole with something, right? There has to be SOMETHING that will just click with me and that will be my thing. I'm so jealous of people that have anything, whether it's a genuine skill like playing the piano or just some obsession with train spotting, to have anything like that would be an absolute blessing but I have nothing at all and I feel worse and worse about that every single day.

This got really rambly really quickly. I hope knowing someone out there feels the exact same way is of some solace to you though. It probably isn't. Oh well.

 No.213214

>>213074
Same, all those talks about a runner's high and endorphines after a workout are a crock of shit. The only enjoyment I ever feel anymore is tied to suffering, because it's release more than anything.

 No.213215

>>213077
Not op but I've tried drugs during a decade of depression and never got addicted or wanted more, bought them off tor and they had their effect but after I didn't crave it back. Broken brain when you don't even get ducted - I eat too much but don't enjoy drinking or smoking either.

 No.213216

>>213212
Try fasting.

 No.213217

I can't even shit properly. I can't write my thoughts. I want to die. I want to not be alive. Now I'm tired, but I can't sleep on this horrible couch. I can't wake up and I can't go to sleep. Is there any medication that will fix this? I should just get addicted to heroin, at least id have an excuse

I want to be consumed by a swarm of insects until I don't exist any more.

 No.213221

>>213216
I greatly improved my diet over the last year from October 2018 and went from 102kg to 60kg, from "obese" to "underweight" according to BMI charts. I did initially enjoy the pain of hunger but nothing has really changed.
I can walk up stairs without being disgustingly out of breath now, and seeing visual improvement in my body was motivational during my weight loss, but that's it. I never stopped wanting to die, so I don't get this "diet and exercise" meme at all.
I have put on 3kg over the Christmas period that I want to shed again but it's purely a number game at this point rather than a health improvement like it was originally.

 No.213222

Wake up and my mother is moaning about politics, shouting and ranting about how shit everything is. Brother wakes up and watches YouTube trash that is just calling people idiots and talking heads mocking their enemies, which he then repeats to me. No I don't care about your politics and news, leave me alone.

 No.213229

>>212817
I just scream, when family goes to work and i have time for myself I just scream, sometimes full on "griiifithhh!" others just low howls, why I must suffer like this?

 No.213230

>>213126
That really had nothing to do with my post. Or anyone else's.

 No.213232

A very wizardly song.

 No.213236

File: 1579041052070.jpg (169.73 KB, 465x465, 1:1, Gandalf_The_Grey.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Has anyone here ever dropped out of society for any amount of time to travel, but not for tourism purposes?

I have this urge to resign from my job and walk around Britain and Europe for a while. I'm physically fit enough to do it, and have enough money saved to fall back on if I need a meal or bed in a hostel. However, I read a part of a book recently about Carl Jung (psychologist) and his idea of the Puer Aeternus (what we would call a manchild) and he states that it isn't rare for manchildren to be so averse to responsibility that they would rather simply roam around, sleeping out in the open, suffering poverty or whatever just so they don't have any responsibilities. Any thoughts on that? It honestly embarrassed me because I've been thinking of doing just that.

 No.213237

>>213236
If you want to do it, and you don't see yourself regretting it down the line, I think you should go for it. Personally a lifestyle like that appeals to me, if I won the lottery or something I would do it.

 No.213238

>>213237
Thank you. The problem I have is that I no longer trust my instincts. For example, last year I was allowed to move back to my hometown and work remotely, but for a couple of reasons (including self-loathing) I felt instinctively compelled to apply for minimum wage warehouse work nearby which pays much less than my remote job. I called up and offered my services and everything, but they just didn't call back for whatever reason, i.e. pure chance means I still get to work remotely. I also have a strong instinct to just kill myself a lot of the time, so I don't know if my instinct to drop everything and head off into the unknown is really just a way of my brain trying to make it so that I have no more reasons not to kill myself. Sorry for the blogpost.

 No.213240

>>213238
Don't apologize, I'm always curious about the mindset of other Wizards to the posts I reply to.
I also thought about suicide probably every single day of the week for the past… 15 years maybe? A journey like that is definitely something I'd like to do with enough savings or if I knew my time is running out. Preferably the journey would never end, but if money wouldn't end, I'd just walk until I could make sense out of life.

 No.213244

>>213236
Even normies hate responsibilities. They might not go as far as to literally wander away from them but nobody likes them and the desire to just pack a bag or two and walk is a common one among everyone who is under stress, not just "manchildren".

It's something that appeals to me but I feel like it would lose its appeal far too quickly for me to walk around England, nevermind Europe. That said walking from my home in the midlands to my favourite seaside (130 miles) sounds lovely. Googling the distance it's actually a lot shorter than I thought, I could get there in 2/3 days depending on my sleeping pattern.

 No.213245

>>213240
How is life in the midlands? Are you in a rural or urban area?

 No.213250

>>213245
I'm living at outskirts of a smaller eastern europe city. It's not bad, there's forests nearby and it's lonely in a good sense, doesn't take much to go somewhere remote where you'll be the only person in the vicinity. I'd probably like to explore my country first, and then go on bigger journeys further away. There are probably better starting locations, like Norway.

 No.213251

>>212817
>>212821
Tolstoy's weakboi archetype

>>212822
whats so bad about it? didn't someone a couple years ago want to start a wizhouse?

>>212932

i think about this all the time, the fact that we are enslaved by biochemical reactions and noone seems to care about this, or even think about it.
>>213236

i wander about this too, if we are puer aeternus, then that's what we are, i don't worry about that level of meta thinking anymore, this is what i'lll end up doing too, maybe i'll see you on the road wizzie

 No.213253

>>213236
If you get in to meditative walking it might be a taste of it. I used to do it for hours in a country park, now I think about it I probably could have done that for days instead of hours if I was in the right frame of mind.

 No.213257

File: 1579051075881.jpg (267.78 KB, 1106x766, 553:383, istockphoto-501514289-1024….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I will break down that's for sure.

 No.213258

I can't communicate. Nothing ever comes across the way I want it to, whether said aloud or when written in a post. I might as well be a mute, amorphous hunk of flesh who's trapped in a body that can only feel varying levels of pain. Even when I sometimes read someone else's post, expressing similar troubles to myself, far better than I could, all it does it make me feel worse and more alone. Even in my misery, there's nothing unique about me. I'm just a blob of nothing. Hopeless, worthless. At the same time, I take some solace in pretending I don't exist. I'm not here and I never was. That's what I tell myself. Whatever this thing I'm in, is something else. Having an existence is an extreme hassle, so it's better to view it as if it's not actually happening. I can set it all aside and feel a small sense of release, for however briefly it lasts.

 No.213261

File: 1579055481012.jpeg (1.07 MB, 2160x2160, 1:1, E551B144-1FBB-444B-B5BE-2….jpeg) ImgOps iqdb

>>213236
This sounds lovely anon. Thank you.

 No.213265

I've felt very lonely. Kind of empty, like I'm not real. I get very depressed, and can become very anxious. When I get anxious, I get the tendency to rip out some of my hair. I always want to rip out my hair.

 No.213266

I've been trying to get my sleep schedule back to normal, I'm sleeping all day and awake all night, I need to get a haircut and new clothes but I'm too exhausted to do it once it's daytime, I said I was going to stay up all day today but I don't think I can fucking do it, I wish I was fucking aborted.

 No.213267

>>213266
Don't mean to be a normie, but I recognize your pattern of thinking and think it's a result of "catastrophizing", or taking a relatively minor issue and using it to justify fatalism. You can do it man.

 No.213269

>>213186

Normies are emotional vampires. They draw on your pain.

 No.213274

Anyone who sees himself as a failure and is able to enjoy life can die.

 No.213284

Wizards are assholes. Fuck wizchan. I hope the Internet will be fucking overran by normalfags and that only facebook derivatives will survive. Fuck you. You know who you are.

 No.213289

>>213284
what's wrong little buddy. did you finally find your in place in society? faggot crab

 No.213290

>>213284
both Wizards and Normies are trash that is why i avoid human interaction

 No.213294

File: 1579136869724.jpg (5.88 KB, 480x360, 4:3, hqdefault.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>213284
It is part of the cycle really. Those of us who long for a home or group of people like us and think we find one in the outcasts of society. And then you are reminded what it means to be on the fringe of society, it means people who are craving for something to escape their suffering and cannot sustain the mental calm to treat people with kindness; especially if means the sacrifice of a moment of distracting entertainment. On the edges of society people consume each other.

I still feel it after years and reminding myself. This is not my home, anonymity allows us to curate the delusion that it is. It feels like betrayal but you should never have let your guard down or thought you could truly feel at home here. The struggling cannot really provide each other what they need, especially on the internet. Apes aping ourselves to death.

 No.213298

¡¡¡¡ESMERALDA!!!!!

 No.213302

>>213294
Didn't mean to sound so glum. Just know what this is so you don't get hurt, trade what it has without attachment.

 No.213306

File: 1579161676345.gif (912.49 KB, 240x176, 15:11, browsing wizchan.gif) ImgOps iqdb

>>213290

They really are and I agree.

>>213294

That about sums it up. The internet, and really life in general, is nothing more than a bottomless abyss. Coming here is more an act of boredom & habit than anything else, done against my better judgement. If it disappeared tomorrow, I could honestly care less. There's nothing here I've ever held dear and it's really just another grimey window into observing example after example of disgusting human behavior and, as you said, our overall ape-like mannerisms. People are the same no matter where it is you go, which is why I've always felt so little at home here, just as is the case with everywhere else. I'm not saying I'm any better, but it's still nauseating to witness the perpetually annoying antics of other people, whether they be outcasts or not.

 No.213341

File: 1579199175370.png (2.27 MB, 1243x1789, 1243:1789, 241.png) ImgOps iqdb

Does anyone, like me, find life extremely boring? All I do is get up in the morning and sit down at my laptop and do some useless shit. Anime no longer fascinates me, as well as manga, music, movies, games. I'm not into anything. What should I do? How do people get to 50 and still want to live if all we have is routine? The repetition of the same actions is insanity.

 No.213347

>>213341
Yep. I have the same routine. Work nights, sleep during the day, and do nothing in between.

It's rather boring, but i'd prefer it over whatever normal people do with their time

 No.213351

>>213341
>How do people get to 50 and still want to live if all we have is routine?
They don't, it's called a "mid life crisis". It's where normies briefly wake up and realise how shitty their lives are even when they have the life they desired. No idea how they stomach life after that point though.

 No.213357

I wish I had enough money to hire a singing teacher to come to my house and get private lessons…
I'm envious of these two female singers. Their voices are amazing…
They combine so beautifully.



1:30-2:25
gives me goosebumps…
Solo quiero llorar y es que ya nada queda se fue nuestro amor… Las calles desiertas sin luz, sin sol, se fue el calor de amarte. Ya nada queda de nuestro amor…

3:45
naaaaa naaaaaa na nana naaaaaaaaaa
na ananaan ananan nanaaaaaaaaaaaaa
naaaaaa naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

 No.213380

>>213306
i saw the original vid for that gif on 4cha n /F like years ago, i can no longer find it anywhere, its will sasso, but i canot find it was an incredible video, u have it?

 No.213384

>>213341
I have the same problem.
Life is so goddamn boring.

 No.213389

>>213290
>>213294
Both of you are right. Thanks for reminding me. It's human nature to be mean to each other and to point out others weaknesses regardless of context. Even the one who you thought is friendly minded only will act like that as long as he can get anything from you be it of material or psychological use. Once you appear helpless and don't contribute anything of value you are disregarded and hated.

>should never have let your guard down or thought you could truly feel at home here

I know it was dumb. I know that wizards are no better than non-wizards and I forgot to remember that in that one post. Of course another wizard directly called me out and bullied me. I guess I deserve it.

 No.213390

>>213389
It wasn't dumb, you just need to keep it in mind. Balance and all that.

 No.213391

>>213284
you mean the cleanfags in the wizcave thread? yeah fuk them

 No.213392

>>213341
they have something to do that you don't

 No.213394

>>213392
Found this out to be untrue. They do the same mundane shit as everyone else, they're just sometimes attuned to not get sick of routine as easily. And even then they get bored plenty if they haven't given themselves such a workload that stress is slowly killing them. Busywork isn't meaningful, but it sure is distracting.

 No.213398

I remember nearly choking to death a year or two ago, barely able to breathe and falling on the floor while my mother begged me asking what she could do. While I was on the floor the food came unclogged and when I got up I remember just feeling numb, thinking that I wasn't really panicking, that suffocating to death didn't seem that bad and that there was no emotional resistance just physical panic. It was like I had tunnel vision on my throat watching myself choke. I comforted my mother but I was just thinking about how it didn't bring up any emotions, and how much easier hanging would be.

I saw a video of someone choking just now and I feel totally different regarding that memory, I can feel a sense of loss now. I guess I know what it mean when people say they regret attempting suicide, I can remember the experience in a way but not fully. I'm getting better and one day I hope we all will.

 No.213402

Am I doomed to sit gere mindlessly browsing the internet forever listening to podcasts I couldn't give a shit about because I don't feel like looking up a brand new movie to watch, to all you who manage to game and watch all day, take comfort in thw fact you're not me right now, even if you aren't enjoying it as much as you once did, atleast you're not in a cycle of self torture watching reaction videos, haven't sbowered in a month, looking like a homeless person, I have to get into gaming again just to keep me sane, because you don't have to constantly find a new one every two hours like movies, I'm too lazy to look up new movies to watch because I only like horribly depressing movies and the movies thread on /hob/ is flooded with the autists on this board who enjoy beibg a recluse and watch retarded sci fi shit, I've definetly seen people post shit like reviews on the new Star Wars movies on the movies threads on this board, thanks for taking a shit on a potentially good thread by posting stupid shit like that in there, someone make a good depressing/suicidal movies thread full of masterpieces so I don't have to see fucking sci fi shit mixed in with good suggestions, maybe for anime as well, half of you anime fans are guilty of this, there are only like four good animes and I have to sift through cunts recommending that one anime with the kid transformed in the robot alchemist whatever the fuck its called, kill yourself for shitting up top ten anime lists with that piece of shit you fucking cunt

 No.213416

File: 1579344731201-0.jpg (59.85 KB, 796x712, 199:178, 1547208895021.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

how do i stop mindless escapism and start dealing with my problems
even a second of thought about how hopeless my situation is causes extreme suffering
i have to earn some money in order not to die homeless, but my only option is to be a shit cleaner for 150$ a month and i'm fucking terrified
oh god i'm so fucked

 No.213417

>>213402
Yeah you're doomed, now go watch fullmetal alchemist you whiny fuck.

 No.213418

File: 1579347303890.jpg (66.59 KB, 628x640, 157:160, 1564745458514.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

My neighbours keep hammering shit and playing loud music.. I've already asked them to keep it down but they wont and my landlord is worthless, There's not much i can do anymore except deal with it.

 No.213425

File: 1579358911564.gif (1.99 MB, 350x300, 7:6, 1453749343729.gif) ImgOps iqdb

I always use my headphones for everything and I'm tired of it. I actually have some pretty decent pioneer speakers which I've barely touched and I haven't even used them in close to 3 years now. I live with my parents and despite the fact that I have my own room with a lockable door and everything, I'm supremely, autistically hung-up on my privacy and them being able to potentially hear what I'm watching, despite it only being subbed anime most of the time which they couldn't even understand anyway. I'm actually finally selling my fancy schmancy TV since, just like with the speakers it's connected to, I never use it because of the reasons I just stated. What's extra crazy is that even when my parents aren't around, I still don't use either the speakers or the TV, simply out of the habit of not using them. I'm literally just squandering/throwing away a perfectly good home theater system, purely out of autism and just generally delusional thinking. I really am my own worst enemy. Fucking stupid crazy cunt that I am. Everything I watch, I do so from sitting in my office chair at my desk and using my main computer monitor, even though it'd be far more comfortable and better looking watching it laying in my bed and using my larger plasma TV screen, which I haven't used in years and am now selling for no other reason than being too tired to fight against my autism, so that getting rid of it just seems like the easier option now. I'm fucking crazy, in the worst, most self-defeating and cringiest way possible.

I also literally just bought/received a VR headset, which I doubt I won't open or use either. I bought it in advance of me moving into my parent's basement, hopefully sometime this year after it's renovated, which is 2.5 times the size of my current room. Down there I'll finally have not only extra space for VR, but full audio privacy as well, since the walls/ceiling will be double hung and sandwiched with green glue (soundproofing sealant). It's just dumb because I could still use this VR headset if I really wanted to, but I won't because it's "not time yet" and other random autistic bullshit. It could also just as easily be the case that I don't move into the basement until next year (depending on how fast the renovation work gets done), which leaves me cringing even more at myself and all the self-inflicted bullshit I have to put up with. I have to say that a good deal of the reason I act & feel anhedonic is because of all of the above making many things I could do pretty much impossible to do because of my autism & OCD getting in the way of it.

 No.213428

>>213258
I also had nothing to say, then I assumed that nothing at all was needed to be said.

Do not despair for attention or conversation, avoid them. Despise what you cannot have. That's how I achieved some peace about it.

 No.213430

>>213221
What makes it so hard to stand?
Do you even a have a job?

You should have got rid of lack of energy, is it so that you didn`t?

 No.213434

>>213430
>What makes it so hard to stand?
I'm not sure what you mean by this. What is "it"? Do you mean stand literally or stand as in "put up with"?
>Do you even a have a job?
I do. I'm not sure how that is supposed to help though.
>You should have got rid of lack of energy, is it so that you didn`t?
No it never helped me with energy at all. I've started taking caffeine pills when I get too tired to concentrate recently which has been a bit helpful. I never feel energized even with the pills though I just have enough energy to not fall asleep in the middle of the day.

 No.213449

Randomly passed out on my couch/futon for like 5 hours. Just the other day, I did the same for like 12 hours. Trying to decide whether I should stay up, or to actually unfold it and go back to bed 'properly'. I've lived as an agoraphobic shut-in for well over a decade now, but somehow falling asleep randomly for hours at a time still makes me feel noticeably discombobulated & turned around. I find the more I succumb to fatigue/sleep, the more easily I succumb to it in the future, creating a feedback loop of sorts. I honestly feel damn near narcoleptic at this point.

 No.213450

I feel sickened by how everything has to be justified by happiness. I am disgusted by how that has to be the bottom dollar denomination for everything in this godforsaken world. Happiness. Is that all there really is? I'm still not convinced it isn't just some convenient myth like the toothy fairy or Santa Claus, and it isn't just something that you stop being able to believe in or feel.

I'm not really sure I want to be happy.
Even if I did, I'm pretty sure it's unachievable.
Even if it was, there are other things to do.

Let me suffer.

 No.213451

>>213450
I just read this in Werner Herzog's voice.

 No.213452

File: 1579409785820.gif (33.47 KB, 256x316, 64:79, 7316287368712631873.gif) ImgOps iqdb

I've never understood the concept of people "feeling less alone", when they sense they can identify with the thoughts/experiences of others. If anything, I just feel more alone when reading such things, since not even the sort of stuff I should feel some recognition in, ever awakes anything in me except emptiness & gloominess and an almost overwhelming confirmation of how alone I am. After all, I'm alone in what I see, hear, think and feel. Lots of people might like some random thing I like, or commiserate with this or that sensation, or what have you, but I'm still alone in experiencing any of it. Because, at the end of the day, I'm alone in even perceiving these things, or anything else, so how can I ever feel less alone, when that's all any of us ever are? There's simply no escape from it, any more than there'd be an escape for our brains if they were to try to claw their way of our own skulls. The oft repeated phrase, "You are not alone", is like hearing that if you smack your ass three times and spin in a circle you'll die instantly, at least in terms of its sheer, reality defying absurdity. Well, in other words, I just don't get it. Solipsism within this extent is undeniable & inescapable as far as I'm concerned.

Even whenever I post or reply to someone it's really just turning the proverbial release valve on my own psyche and all the backed-up sewage therein. It's a form of release that quickly diminishes in a matter of moments, like a mental/written form of taking a shit basically.

 No.213463

Another day, another half-assed attempt to learn how to code.

 No.213464

I feel bored all the time. Does anyone have a similar feeling?

 No.213468

>>213212

On one hand there is a small solace in knowing there is someone who deels the same but on the other hand I would much prefer that no one else feel the way I do. I hopw you find something to keep you tethered to this world.

 No.213493

>>213464
I do.
Don't even know what to do on the internet anymore. Everything's boring.

 No.213501

>>213493
Me too

Guess i have to go outside and live a life now

Thanks Shizchan

I guess

 No.213511

Mere contacts with family members give me mental blocks.
The worse is they keep annoying me because they "know better".
Wish they would just disappear and let me live in peace.

 No.213513

>>213284
I don't know. Intellectual Wizards who attach deep pictures to their posts about boring life are very interesting.

 No.213514

>>213341
that's because you're looking at it all through a microscope. You're like this old succubus at the theater with her binoculars seeing only a hand or a hat at a time, not the whole picture. Most people do these things for a greater purpose. God, family or something else.

 No.213541

Its unbelievable how easy parents waste money on useless shit they saw in TV ad. It would not be so bad if they would save some money but Nooo, they must spend.

 No.213544

I started coming here when I was 21-22 years old. I'm 28 now. I remember wondering if I was an actual wizard or just a failed normie. Now I know I am a wiz. Only 2 years until it's official.

 No.213556

Parents are giving the whole 'we dont owe you anything, weve done enough' speech. Like sure create life and then when it reaches an arbitrary amount of time welp its not my responsibility! That would be like if you owned an architectural firm that builds a suspension bridge and 18 years later it collapses; killing dozens and being like well thats not my responsibility.

 No.213557

>>213556
Your parents don't exactly owe you everything besides shelter and to help you move out, I don't understand parents who raised there kids for so long but to kick them out in the streets to be homeless or killed. But you should also try to move out and live your own life, your parents wont be with you forever, a creator always has to die.

 No.213558

>>213380
MDE tech toys

 No.213560

File: 1579653067065.gif (66.01 KB, 400x300, 4:3, hotdog_400x300-3.gif) ImgOps iqdb

Made progress on identifying and handling my extreme depressive mood swings and now I have to learn to handle normal emotions that I haven't had for years, before everything was a burning hellscale and it still is some days. Now I have to managed these other emotions and thoughts which I can but it's endless.

 No.213565

>>212817
I am tired of this world. Everything encourages me to withdraw further into a protective shell. This world just stabs you where you are vulnerable and psychs you into thinking people value you. I am not meant for this dog-eat-dog world. Nothing feels okay. I grew up always feeling that I was an unwanted pest when I all I did was be the quiet kid who sits alone in the corner. Trying to be more outgoing or outspoken just got me into trouble. Fuck it. I am a ghost. I spontaneously materialized this world upon birth and I will dissolve without a trace when I die. Childish things comfort me. Keep me warm. Make me feel cared for.

 No.213569

I feel like a lot of the posts I've written in these crawl threads could've really been threads of their own and actually should've been in most cases. Especially since one tends to get more feedback that way, considering also the additional possibility that most users might just have the crawl thread hidden altogether. Oh well. Stupid me, I guess.

 No.213595

>>213556
>That would be like if you owned an architectural firm that builds a suspension bridge and 18 years later it collapses; killing dozens and being like well thats not my responsibility.
Is the architect responsible for maintaining the building? I'd assume not and that other people deal with that, but I'm just picking apart your hypothetical out of boredom tbh.

 No.213601

>>213595
Depends. If the crash was due to a discovered flaw in the design, he could be in trouble. Nobody's blaming the architect if the cause was neglect of maintenance/safety protocols.

 No.213608

File: 1579740305039.jpg (35.57 KB, 240x397, 240:397, Lorycia.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

A succubus has been playing with my emotions. They just think they can do and say whatever they want without thinking about you. Then, when you do/say something, they pin it against you. I'm tired of all these hags, I was put on this earth to be walked over by whores, as they laugh at me. I'm not having it anymore, I'm becoming a true wizard and am going to live by it from now on. I'm done playing games I have no chance in. I want to sit out, and do my own fucking thing.

 No.213613

>>213608
>A succubus has been playing with my emotions
For real bruh. Succubi today will always have several, if not dozens, of "back up guys". If you're a beta such as yourself you will always be at the back of the line.
MGTOW for life.

 No.213617

Not sure if this is a dep post or not, like 50%, but if I don't work on some studies, I'll end up killing myself, so I've decided to free myself up from video games and dedicate myself to studying to become happier.

So if I don't do it, I'll probably die, but if I do, I'll become a lot happier.

My sister is going to be paid $30/hr, and she's 1.5 years younger than I am, so I want to do this. She's fresh outta college.

 No.213618

>>213608
wizchan 2020

 No.213621

File: 1579760899922.jpg (229.32 KB, 627x720, 209:240, gylenhal.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I'm parcially drunk right now, trying to drink myself to sleep with no sucess. I'm slowly leaving from apathy state and god, I don't know whats in my mind waiting to be realeased. Will it be rage? Utter sadness? Childish emotions? Last time it was the latter and it's no exageration to say it almost killed me. That's what happens when you were a mentally disturbed child, growing up among mentally disturbed people who didn't gave a shit to search help for you even when you tried to commit suicide. Accumulated emotions, never know when they'll be realeased, and their power could be fatal.

"At best", I'll enter apathy again. I really can't decide which is worst, no emotions or all of them together crushing your soul? A cold empty hell or a destructive firy one?

 No.213625

>>213608
You seemed to have mistyped 4chan.org/r9k/

 No.213626

>>213608

This site really is just a joke to most people it seems. Oh well. What else is new.

 No.213627

>>213618
what it'S 2020 already? damn…

 No.213629

File: 1579793080819.jpg (174.53 KB, 900x690, 30:23, cccc.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Sometimes I get caught up in thinking about the people who suffered depression in the past. The idea that today we have so much more information and material about depression but it seems impossible to seriously discuss it with people, I think about how much worse it must have been in old societies. But maybe it's an error and modern society is worse because everyone is wrapped up in their stories, in the past maybe I'd just sit there unable to move and the village would say demons are in my mind and would be more helpful than the modern person who thinks this experience is their experience of changing mood and experience through thought and action, self assuredly using language that isn't mapping to whats happening.

I think a about me crumpling on a battlefield, me crumpling in weakness as someone raided the village, and feel for that niggah back then. Weak depressed wizards through time. But maybe this truly is a disease of growing up in this social structure and we didn't exist in the same way. Who knows, who cares, I still have these thoughts. There's someone out there feeling it.

 No.213630

>>213626
sorry new to here, still trying to understand it all

 No.213632

File: 1579797348149.jpg (36.91 KB, 500x374, 250:187, fisto.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Anyone else try to deal with everything via compartmentalization and prioritization of life tasks?

For me it's

Personal - Remembering to sleep, eat, clean myself / my bedroom at times, shower, exercise, go to dentist every 6 months. These are some of the hardest to me but always feel the most successful when I manage to do them all.

Money - Anything related to getting money, or to do with work, I have been trying to get another job that is not as social as current one, not going well due to very limited employment where I am

Consuming Media - Have a big list of TV shows, movies, music, games, books, graphic novels, anime/manga, webpages that I want to experience, but never want to and I just watch Cops and YouTube and the same 3 movies over and over again, not doing very well on this front

Creativity - Trying to make a game, write and teach myself animation, but never feel like it when coming home from work, also would like to do Twitch streaming but I sound autistic on any voice recording so maybe let's not do that.

Learning - Been trying to take some MOOCs online, read different stuff, learn how to cook foods, even been trying to be a better conversationalist by studying myself and trying to develop some normal interests/learn what my opinions are on various matters and create a normified identity of myself. It's not going very well.

Social - This is the lowest priority for me, because of the difficulties involved, been forcing myself to spend time with the family even though every year I dislike them even more. Making friends is also almost impossible because not sure where to even start. Forget about sex lol. I also include things here like moving out and improving my appearance since they are so low on the totem pole at this point I wonder if I will ever do them. Traveling is another one to just kind of forget - time and money.

Been thinking a lot about society and the Western canonical of literature: http://sonic.net/~rteeter/grtbloom.html
It's just a book list of the most important books in Western culture split into generations. It's very interesting how the ancients were so consumed with the forces of nature and gods where their entire lives revolved around appeasing gods and worship. Eventually people started to realize that that was all bullshit, of course there were still many religious people and still are, but as a whole humanity turned toward feudalism and medieval age and started to worship kings instead, I guess thinking that if they served an important person, they would become important, but then things changed again in late 1700s where people decided to rebel against kings and become democratic and live independent lives, except they still obeyed their families and fathers. And in the 20th century people began to believe that living under fathers was also bullshit and they started to live completely alone in urbanized society. We're just dealing with the consequences of that now but most of the world, in my opinion hasn't even moved past the obsessions with gods/important people/their parents yet, and it seems living alone is bullshit too, it only causes sadness. So what is the next step, I wonder, maybe to have each person live on their very own private planet with space travel? And just have AI automate all tasks. Of course time spent immortally in leisure is depressing as well. As would living alone on a planet full of robots that obey you.

It seems that man just needs to conquer something or someone in order to be happy, to feel like they've mastered or created something successfully that will last forever. And thats something I can't really do because of work and I'm not sure how to climb out of it all. The compartmentalization helps a lot if you can take advantage of your own OCD like that. I just try to include all possible tasks that I could conceivably do under various umbrellas, that way I know there isn't possibly more that I could be doing.


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