[ Home ] [ wiz / dep / hob / lounge / jp / meta / games / music ] [ all ] [  Rules ] [  FAQ ] [  Search /  History ] [  Textboard ] [  Wiki ]

/dep/ - Depression

Depression
Email
Comment
File
Embed
Password (For file deletion.)

  [Go to bottom]   [Catalog]   [Return]   [Archive]

File: 1580623852560.jpg (35.95 KB, 480x368, 30:23, 1517723572400.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

 No.214090

Anyone else feels like not made to function?

I was never good at anything. Period.
School was a nightmare to me and I'm not even talking about social dramas or bullying but because I sucked at every single subject you can think of. I still think from time to time how I managed to get a high school diploma. Maybe because some teachers there actually pitied me since I was just a quiet student that never bothered any classmate. My life hasn't progressed much since then. I'm still the same, almost mute person like I was 15 years ago.
I envy NEETs that are smart enough to have something they are good at, like drawing, video editing or 3d modelling and are even able to make some good cash out of that thanks to people commissioning them. I've been doing nothing but randomly browsing the internet for many years and nowadays I don't have enough energy to play videogames anymore. Normal people feel like super-humans to me.

Putting this text together was such a huge mental effort to me.

 No.214093

How old are you, wiz? Do you plan to NEET until the bitter end? I do. I'm over thirty, hikki, and live off autismbux. I don't really have any talent or aptitude for anything. And I'm a very slow learner. But one thing that's helped keep me sort of sane is reading. It helps give my day shape and purpose. It's also relaxing to fill up notebooks with detailed reading notes.

 No.214097

>>214093
I'm 25 and I don't have an answer for that yet. I live under my parent's wings and I'm very anxious about the day they will die and I become absolute helpless.

 No.214098

I also feel helpless and useless. My main problem is anhedonia. I mean you can learn anything. The only thing you need is persistence and I don't have that due to anhedonia. Everything is hard for me because I feel pure unlust.

All I do is pretty much what >>214093 this wizard wrote. I am also reading and take some notes.

 No.214103

>>214098
What you takin notes on?

 No.214129

File: 1580689228023.png (584.82 KB, 599x596, 599:596, tired_anime_slav.png) ImgOps iqdb

OP, I share the exact sentiment you have.
I have never found a fulfilling hobby or passion in my life and it's eating me from the inside.
I have tried and given up on so many things that I lost count because they lacked the spark and I lacked the talent and motivation to pursue them fully.
I have a handful of internet friends who probably just put up with me as they never initiate conversation with me, and every single one of them has a defining character, a hobby, a skill that makes them happy, I don't.
One guy in particular is pretty much a carbon copy of me, he's depressed, has ADHD, is forgetful, we have the same tastes in media, the difference is that he has several hobbies that he enjoys and that I gave up long ago and feel guilty for until this day, and whenever we talk and he shows me what he made I retch and get angry, because whenever I talk to him I see a version of myself that has something that makes them happy and fulfilled despite being depressed.
I'm a terrible person, bitter, envious, and it's all my fault, talking to them makes me feel ill but being alone makes me insane so I have to swallow my hate and let them walk all over me.

>>214098
Anhedonic as well, I feel like I'm going insane from not enjoying anything anymore.
I do absolutely nothing apart from watching random youtube recommendations all day, I can't find the energy to download and watch anime, I don't enjoy video games anymore, any worthless consumption activity doesn't satisfy me anymore, and I am too stupid and worthless to do anything valuable to myself, my character, anything.
I don't want to kill myself just yet but I guarantee you that I won't anyway because I lack the energy for it.

 No.214134

>>214129
Lol I'm in the same situation. You're not alone.

 No.214141

>>214103
Whenever I read a site that I liked I am copying that passage. You can say it is a collection of quotes I like. I also do that whenever I watch an anime. Whenever an anime character says something that inspired me I am copying that quote.

Very rarely I also write a small summary after I read a book. In this summary I am only writing down why I liked the book or why I don't liked it. And maybe I write down the key message I took away from reading that book.

 No.214146

I can relate to what you are saying and there might be no way out of this.

From a physical perspective, the brain develeops best until you turn 25 when it is fully developed and after that it will start to decline. After hitting 25 it will take even longer to learn something and it will be almost impossible to work on your personality etc. of course these problems existed before 25 but after they will be "set in stone" since there seems to be no real way to make any effective changes anymore.

 No.214148

You can learn stuff if you are forced to. I've been able to learn a trade (have almost finished my apprenticeship) because I was put in a setting where I had the option to either practice, or do literally nothing for 8 hours a day. Before this I was a neet for 3 years and basically just masturbated and browsed chans/youtube.

The thing is that learning stuff is boring as fuck in the beginning. I would say that it gets fun/fulfilling when you have mastered it to a certain extent, unfortunately this takes quite a bit of time. Anyway, this experience have shown me that I am capable of doing a whole lot more than what I previously thought.

 No.214166

>>214090
I'm not particularly smart or motivated but I got into web development looking to do freelance work. I'm in a 2nd world country and I'm looking to score jobs both here, posting ads online, and through international sites. That may be hard for a 1st worlder if you are one, if you look on fiverr you'll see 3rd worlders working for peanuts. But this may be the best thing for you if you want to learn something.
What you'd need to learn:
Front-end:
HTML
CSS - Bootstrap library is widely used and makes it a lot easier
JavaScript - jQuery library is widely used, moreso than pure JS
Torrent Photoshop and learn how to use it for graphic stuff
Back-end (server side):
PHP
MySQL
To learn these two you'd need to install a server, I got WampServer which also installs them automatically.
There are others but these are the main ones. You don't need to learn back-end programming, I'd like to but would rather get good at front-end first. It's real easy to get started, in no time you'd be looking at a company's site and be able to say "I could have done that".

 No.214178

>>214166
Where and how do you learn that stuff? Do you use khanacademy or something else? I don't know how to start

 No.214184

>>214178
I started with https://www.w3schools.com and https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US/docs/Web
Tips:
You need a text processor for formatting and highlighting mistakes, can't just use Notepad.
If you want to examine a page's source and it's all in one line like view-source:https://wizchan.org/dep/res/214090.html and parts of https://wizchan.org/main.js copy-paste it in https://htmlformatter.com and it will format it for you.

 No.214223

>>214184
that code is so cringe

 No.214285

>>214129
Wish I could make some internet friends. Only managed to get a few when I was like 14, playing yahoo chess, and we were talking through yahoo mail/messenger

 No.214294

>>214129
I don’t even have internet friends. That’s why I like this site, makes me fee like I have all these friends I talk too. I never understood how people could get yo the point you did though; becoming so tired of everything that you can’t even download a file if it means killing that boredom inside of you. Is it a lack of wanting too? Or do you feel like it’s not worth it because in the end it will do nothing to better your situation? What is it wiz?

 No.214297

File: 1581021651161.jpg (1021.6 KB, 1241x1710, 1241:1710, 1488229843928.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>214294
>I don’t even have internet friends. That’s why I like this site, makes me fee like I have all these friends I talk too.
Would be nice if we had the traditional Email field, I'd fill up mine and if anyone wanted to contact me I would gladly respond. Whether anyone would and whether it would go anywhere, that would remain to be seen since I'm not the talkative type, but you know, the possibility would be there.

 No.214298

File: 1581023308075.png (445.28 KB, 878x851, 878:851, 2ae09f95733ebe117cd111aee2….png) ImgOps iqdb

>>214294
Several things which I'll shit out below.

I don't have the energy to do anything whether it's consumption of media or personal growth, I'm lethargic as hell.
I can sleep for any range of time from 6-10 hours and I still feel tired all day, but when I try to lie down and sleep before my usual time to indulge this feeling, I get cold sweats and stay half awake for extended periods of time.
Things don't provide me with much fun anymore so I have trouble coming back to them once I started, when I don't leave things untouched, I leave them unfinished.
Nothing really screams out to me "this interests you, you should do this", unless it's a sudden spike from ADHD that fades quickly, I have started and given up on so many things I lost count, and I've become so emotionally dulled that I don't even feel the spikes of interest anymore, just static in my brain when I try to concentrate on something.
That's why I am apprehensive about starting any hobbies, because I don't have a "real" wanting or interest towards them, and I can't stick to them long enough to go beyond the "wasted time" stage, or I just can't wrap my mind around things required to progress.
I don't know if I have a low IQ or not, I had an IQ test when I was in Kindergarten and I had 113, I had straight As from primary school that visibly deteriorated as I grew older until I left high school with a barely passing grade.

Something that defined my life up to this point is that I am incapable of growth, knowledge, maturity, experience, all these things are alien to me, nothing sticks, everything fades.

It's a lack of wanting because it doesn't fill the hole in my soul, it's a feeling of wasted time because I can't stick to anything, it's a feeling of guilt because of all the things in the past I have given up and all the time I have wasted, it's a feeling of hopelessness because of my lack of confidence and inferiority complex preventing me from being proud of something or desiring a pursuit of something because other people succeeding just makes me feel discouraged.

So far I haven't visited a psychologist properly and I'm going to try visiting one next month, because my life currently is complete hell and I want the pain to end, I feel that I'm going insane and I had a panic attack yesterday.
Maybe I'm lucky and the drugs I'm getting will actually work, but some therapy to change my horrible personality and view of life is going to be necessary as well, swallowing all this bile is melting my insides.

Might not sound wizardlike to be this desperate about becoming a better person, but god damn it, I just want to feel good about something, I could be a wageslave living in a box and I wouldn't care, if only I had something in my life I could feel pleasure or fulfillment from afterwards.

 No.214300

>>214297
That would be a great addition, being able to talk to fellow wizards in privacy sounds nice

 No.214301

>>214298
>I have started and given up on so many things I lost count
What kind of things? I think everyone has something he has an affinity for, I/we could recommend you other things that you might actually be suited for but it would be lame to recommend you something you already tried and given up to.
Maybe you'd be interested in playing guitar, theory is real easy: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/lessons/for_beginners/how_to_read_tabs.html

 No.214302

>>214300
Question is why was it replaced in the first place. Could post a thread in /meta/ but maybe someone knows why.

 No.214304

>>214298
No wonder you don’t feel fulfilled in life, you don’t give yourself enough time to get good at something. It sounds like it’s something you can’t control or is really hard to control. The only person that can help you is you, but it’s hard as fuck to help yourself. I don’t think this is something you can fix because your brain has become so accustomed to it. but you definitely have more than enough time too… unless you plan on killing your self anytime soon

 No.214307

File: 1581026332566.jpg (30.74 KB, 400x400, 1:1, nikki8.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>214301
>I think everyone has something he has an affinity for
I'm currently split between the idea of "I don't have an affinity for anything because I'm soulless/have ADHD" and "I probably have an affinity for something, probably something I have already tried, but my whole host of mental problems is burying it from reaching me and giving me some sense of fulfillment".
I'm trying to hang onto the latter idea because if the former is true, then that's that, might as well shut the light off at that point.

To come back to your question, many things, drawing, 3D modeling, programming (in Uni and failing at it, had interest in it since my youth but it faded away almost completely), game development, learning japanese (interest in japanese media faded away, but I have some residual beginner skill left, enough to read porn or manga with a lot of effort), off the top of my head.
You can notice that a lot of these are related to creative activities, I have things in my head I want to make exist in the real world, but it feels like I'm cursed to have them trapped.

Your recommendation, I used to be terrible in music class in HS, I don't really have an interest in playing music, making music would be nice but music is too esoteric a field for me, I don't understand how it's made or how one even gets ideas for it.
I can think of a picture in my mind, or a game, or a 3D object, but I can't imagine things like melodies, those are alien to me.
I'm also scared of wasting money for an instrument, when I inevitably give it up, it's just going to sit in a corner of my room, taunting me at my failure and waste until I throw it away.

>>214304
>you don’t give yourself enough time to get good at something
Yes, you're 100% right, but the thing is that I am also extremely slow by myself, and I can't really remember or keep doing things because of my scattered brain.
The journey matters more than the goal, and people pursue hobbies because of the journey, and because they want to reach or approach their goal.
But if I don't feel anything from the journey and the goal is distant, then my pursuit just feels rotten and fated to failure.
It's a journey of a thousand steps, but I'm out of breath at the 10th and my knees blow out by the 50th.

I honestly don't think that I can help myself out of this, I tried a lot of times and it failed (starting to see a pattern?), that's why I'm hoping to go to that shrink, the worst that can happen is that I get my mental problems written out on a sheet of paper to understand myself properly.

I have "enough" time, I'm still an apprentice and not as hopeless as proper wizards can claim, but time is running out, the brain crystallizes at your mid-late 20s which makes any change in personality or skill acquisition extremely difficult.
I'm not killing myself anytime soon, I lack the means (gun control in my country) and the energy (see my posts) to do so, I'm also still scared of death, and I don't want to make my parents suffer from having their oldest son end his life, at least before their retirement.

 No.214308

>>214307
Forgot to add to my last line that I am aware of all the other suicide methods apart from gunshot, but suicide by gun is the only method that I could see myself going through, since it's instant and completely lethal, which prevents any regrets or turnarounds once you actually pull the trigger.
I know of the stories of teenage succubi swallowing a pill bottle's worth of drugs and getting it pumped out in a hospital, they can't stitch your brain together once there's a golfball-sized hole in it.

 No.214310

>>214307
And misquoted that chinese proverb, it's "1000 miles".

 No.214313

>>214308
>the only method that I could see myself going through, since it's instant and completely lethal

It's definitely not completely lethal, many people fail (depending on the gun, and the placement of it) It's a good method but if it fails you're stuck with a fucked up face for the rest of your life.

 No.214329

>>214307
>programming (in Uni and failing at it, had interest in it since my youth but it faded away almost completely),
I dropped out so it's not like I don't understand the struggles one can face but you should try to pull it through whatever it takes, if not for the job prospects then for the standing and sense of fulfillment. Maybe that psychologist can help you in that regard.

 No.214334

>>214329
It's finals period already and I expect to fail every single one of them, I fucked myself on that front by being tired all day and unable to concentrate when it mattered.
I'm going to have to contact some faculty at some point for advice on how to salvage my degree, dropping out now would be another regret weighing me down for the rest of my life.

 No.214676

File: 1581670048860.png (754.76 KB, 1901x914, 1901:914, cPanel.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>214166
This is me, it was pretty expensive but I got my domain and hosting for learning purposes after a cool domain name came to mind, thought of it as a sign. Got this idea though, would anyone be interested in some sort of wizard site?

 No.215020

Yes. Every day. I've started tons of things and can't get good at any of them. Someone else can just pick them up and be way ahead of months of work. The walls are closing in and I'll be an official wizard soon.



[Go to top] [Catalog] [Return][Post a Reply]
Delete Post [ ]
[ Home ] [ wiz / dep / hob / lounge / jp / meta / games / music ] [ all ] [  Rules ] [  FAQ ] [  Search /  History ] [  Textboard ] [  Wiki ]