Crying again because Im a weak piece of shit who never learnt how to be a man.
Foot is acting up again. May be gout, may not be. The skin on my hands are extremely dry. My nose is constantly running.
It's extremely annoying.
Up to 7 years of comfy NEET life remaining before I kill myself with a 12ga shotgun.
I refuse to work. I will NEVER work. Death would be preferable.
Strange to see other people here who are "depressed" but manage to hold down a job for years. It's like come on how can you be that depressed if you can still get out of bed and provide for yourself. Sure you're miserable but clearly you have the energy and motivation to get things done, even if they're painful.
It hurts my body otherwise I'd ado it like when I was young. But I don't have a bed right now so that's a problem. Sleeping on the floor, it's difficult to LDAR.
Silenced my mind so I don't have to think about my pain. Silenced the sun so I don't have to see the world. Soon I will silence my heart so I don't have to exist anymore. This will be a total silence and since I'm already partially silenced it shouldn't be hard. Only I know about my silence, and my silence will never be experienced by you or anyone. I wish I could listen to someone's silence but long ago I had silently realized that I my silence silences the silence of the rest.
Not only that, it makes your silence NOISE.
I had no idea what to make out of that movie. I thought it's about some depressed succubus isolates herself and does some introspection after having out-of-marriage beach sex.
I've been ldaring hard since 2010. Hard to believe it's already been a decade and i feel like time has sped up now.
That's my lifestyle, unfortunately my family doesn't let me indulge in it fully.
I usually have less than 3000 steps a day, when each of them does 10k+
Nothing's worth it anymore, might as well wait for a miracle.
I am starting to doubt that my experience of the world is still of human kind. Everything is so far away.
Funny you mention that. Lately I've found myself literally laying right down on the floor out of pure discomfort & boredom. Sometimes I'll manage to fall asleep while doing this, but more often I just lay there. Eyes open, just staring out at nothing. Just like a corpse, really. Near catatonic & lifeless from the outside, but feeling the usual torment on the inside.
Although, at the same time, I've found spontaneously laying down on the ground to be kinda therapeutic in a way. Like, for a brief amount of seconds, I manage to shut the door on everything. Like it's an act of being able able to fully surrender to everything, or to simply take cover from the frustration & boredom, like hiding from some random danger.
Either way, almost 13 years existing as a socially isolated agoraphobe has taken its toll on me. In all this time I've done nothing, but rot. That dumb acronym can't even begin to describe it, frankly.
JDAR - Jump Down And Rot
I just wish I could sleep. I wake up at like 2 AM every day and I just feel exhausted but I can't get back to sleep.
I get that but just sitting down here in front of my computer, I'll go completely lifeless staring at the homepage of some random website. Often I'll just look at the wall to the side and my eyes will twitch a little with this deep sense of discomfort and vague negativity. Won't let me fall asleep though.
I have no idea what to do with the shitty mainstream grade that I've done and the shitty economy that refuses to create opportunities for it
Feel like sick both physically and mentally
Shit*I'm a retard
Everyday I wake and cry, because I am reminded I exist. My days are spent rereading the same imageboard posts, checking some dead subreddits, and watching 1-2min of a video before clicking away to a new one. I try to play a game on my expensive PC and get bored within minutes. I've been doing this for 3 years.
Sometimes I hang out with my retired uncle, we eat something and go grocery shopping then go home.
Around 7pm like clockwork the tears start rolling in, and I cry for about 20 minutes. My life is incredibly dull, boring, and anhedonic.
Sometimes I look at listings for heroin on the dark net, my finger hovers above the "send" button on my wallet application so I can send the $20 of BTC into the market, but for some reason I can never do it, years of forum posts and videos about the dangers of heroin and it ruins your life are going through my head.
I wish I could buy something other than opioids, but my first and only time using weed gave me a week long psychosis, and it was bought from a legal dispensary here in Canada. My doctor said I should avoid drugs since I am prone to psychosis. The only drugs that can't cause psychosis are benzos and opioids, and benzos don't get me high, or do much of anything. I really want to try something like mushrooms or LSD, but I don't want to risk a permanent psychosis. My life is truly fucked, I only see myself dead or a drug addict in the future.
Do heroin but stay away from psychedelics.
mostly drugs it seems
Thanks for the advice, I'll take it to heart.
>Everyday I wake and cry, because I am reminded I exist.
I wish I could cry. Lately, I can't even do that anymore. I can only cry on the inside. But, even then, it's just emptiness. Boundless, excruciating emptiness. All the fucking time.
>I try to play a game on my expensive PC and get bored within minutes.
Damn man, I know what you mean. I've poured an obscene amount of money into my computer, to the point where it's about as top of the line as you can get, and yet I almost never use it. Same with my nearly $700 monitor, and many other expensive electronics I own. It's like, what the fuck was even the point? It's really disgusting, to be honest. I used to hate myself for it, but now I don't even care. It's like whatever. What else was I gonna spend my money on? At least it still comes in handy on the odd occasion when I can actually play something, especially if it's a new game & is demanding performance-wise.
>I've been doing this for 3 years.
4 years, in my case. I've been an agoraphobic hermit for just about 13 years now, but it wasn't until 4 years ago now when I found myself being unable to even do escapism anymore. At least not without it seeming like a total chore & an ultimately unsatisfying time killer. >>214895
>stay away from psychedelics
Wish I'd followed that advice. Marijuana was awful and, next to feeling nothing, but extreme anxiety & panic, I had to grapple with episodes of derealization for a few weeks after I tried it as well. Fuck psychedelics to the deepest pits of oblivion. Why did I ever think trying a psychedelic would've been a good idea for an autistic/depressed/OCD & anxiety riddled basket case like me? I hate marijuana and I'd burn the entire world's supply if I could just because of how awful it was for me. I count myself lucky that I didn't fall into a temporary psychosis like that other guy, though. People who proclaim marijuana to be a universal panacea with no negative or downsides to it whatsoever need to be wrapped up in a blanket & lit on fire, just like that grassy filth they hold so precious. That way they can finally become one with that heinous weed that came spilling out of Satan's/Demiurge's/Normaloid Mephistopheles's putrid ass crack that they gobble up so much of & uncritically adore.
Anyway, I wish I could get my hands on some form of opiate instead. Can one still do stuff while high on opiates? Like play video games, or listen to music and such? Or are you just totally too inebriated to do anything? Heroin, and opiates in general, are also scary because they're addictive. I don't want to become some insane addict who loses his mind because he can't get a fix. Is it possible I could suffer a panic attack or start to have my perception warped, like what happened with marijuana? Did I say how much I fucking hate marijuana? Because I fucking hate marijuana. That worthless fucking shit has now given me a complete phobia of trying any & all drugs. My experience with it was just that bad. I took it alone in my room, on a quiet night with no distractions and it didn't make a bit difference. Shit was still a nightmare.
Hey, I'm the guy you replied. IME opioids are the closest thing to a "perfect high". Anhedonia is eliminated, life feels exciting, but don't think it will make you productive, it just makes you more "hopeful", if that makes sense. I guess if you could channel it in some way it might.
They are not terribly impairing, some slight tiredness at points but that's it. Weed and alcohol are way more impairing. I know this from a brief stint with stolen prescription oxycodone if you are wondering.
>Is it possible I could suffer a panic attack or start to have my perception warped, like what happened with marijuana?
Very unlikely, opioids have an antipsychotic effect. Google "opioids antipsychotic effect".
Be warned though, this stuff is incredibly addictive, both psychologically and physically, but personally I don't care, I just want to end the pain, if it kills me even better. Death is the ultimate high anyway.
I still feel my nerves shaking around
>They are not terribly impairing, some slight tiredness at points but that's it. Weed and alcohol are way more impairing. I know this from a brief stint with stolen prescription oxycodone if you are wondering.
Hmm, I see. I actually don't mind just laying around, honestly. So long as I feel good without a care in the world, that's all that matters. Do opiates stop intrusive thoughts & such as well? Are you just able to think of pleasing things easily?
>Very unlikely, opioids have an antipsychotic effect. Google "opioids antipsychotic effect".
That's a relief to hear. I'll admit however, that it's still difficult for me to separate the horrendous experience I had with marijuana. Simply even imagining anything else is kind of a challenge for me, so I appreciate the description you gave of how it affects you. Even then, it's still somewhat hard for me to grasp because my mind just keeps going back to the shit I suffered with marijuana.
Even though, come to think of it, I had surgery when I was a kid and I'm pretty sure they gave me some form of opiate painkiller afterwards. I can still remember how utterly blissful that was, which makes opiates something I could probably feel more comfortable in taking, as opposed to anything else.
>Be warned though, this stuff is incredibly addictive, both psychologically and physically, but personally I don't care, I just want to end the pain, if it kills me even better. Death is the ultimate high anyway.
Yeah, damn it. That's what I'm afraid of the most, like I said. There's always a fucking impassable downside to everything it seems. At least for me, anyway. The idea of becoming super addicted to them frightens me greatly. It'd be fine if I could just pop into a local drug store to get more, but having to rely on darknet vendors for something like this just feels like asking for the worst to happen.
Do you ever intend on taking opiates again? Are you also worried about how addictive they are?
I don't really get it though in the sense that, say opiates were legal, would someone eventually kill themselves while on them, since they'd need to take more & more due to building up resistance until they inadvertently took a lethal dose? Or would it eventually balance out and be fine? Is that what that whole opioid crisis in the US is about? People taking too high a dose from prescription opioids and then accidentally killing themselves?
that kind of turns me on
note that im not the person you were replying to
>The idea of becoming super addicted to them frightens me greatly. It'd be fine if I could just pop into a local drug store to get more, but having to rely on darknet vendors for something like this just feels like asking for the worst to happen.
I think the solution to this is to always have a big stash. You need at least enough to be able to taper off and comfortably cease usage in case you lose your supply. If you taper off slowly enough you can avoid withdrawals, otherwise you'll go through dangerous hell.
>I don't really get it though in the sense that, say opiates were legal, would someone eventually kill themselves while on them, since they'd need to take more & more due to building up resistance until they inadvertently took a lethal dose? Or would it eventually balance out and be fine?
Eventually it does balance out and be fine. The effects diminish but not to nothingness. The issue is that people get addicted to being higher than a reasonable baseline. If you just stick to a constant dosage without chasing a higher high you can still stay in a state where you are impacted by the opiate feeling.
I can't really relate to people that need to keep chasing a higher high, and can't say if you are like me or them. I think addicts are statistically misrepresented as the significant majority just because they are the visible users that cause problems in society. Nobody knows about the quiet, responsible users
>I think the solution to this is to always have a big stash. You need at least enough to be able to taper off and comfortably cease usage in case you lose your supply.
Yeah, I suppose so. Still sounds very risky. Accumulating a large stash would probably take a while as well. Then again, I have no idea how difficult it is to have opioids sent to you. As in, how stealthy it is in packaging, how much you can order at one time, or what have you.
>If you taper off slowly enough you can avoid withdrawals, otherwise you'll go through dangerous hell.
Well, I'll admit that the potentiality of this is too frightening to open the door to. I'm too much of a coward to risk having that happen, basically. It seems I'm commended to a fate of cold hard sobriety and doomed even further to feel the agony that comes form being unable to tranquilize oneself to the many, many pains of life.
>Eventually it does balance out and be fine. The effects diminish but not to nothingness. The issue is that people get addicted to being higher than a reasonable baseline. If you just stick to a constant dosage without chasing a higher high you can still stay in a state where you are impacted by the opiate feeling.
I see. Well that's good to know. Personally speaking, I'd be more than fine with a steady baseline of pain relief. I don't need to double my money on this sort of stuff and risk ruining it all as a result.
I also wonder if people who died from overdoses were just being needlessly greedy. Was their downfall a result of simply being unsatisfied & gluttonous for bigger hits, or using responsibly, but eventually being driven into a corner due to building up a resistance, leaving them no choice, but to up the dosage? I guess it depends from person to person, as with mostly everything.
Do you happen to regularly use opiates? Would you consider yourself a responsible user? Do you find it's easy to maintain that responsibility? Have you ever risked becoming addicted? Do you yourself have a large stash to avoid issues with supply?
I have to admit that, again, due to the almost PTSD levels of shit I went through with marijuana, even if clinics were giving it out opioids like candy all of the sudden here, I'd still be hesitant to acquire some. I really wish I never dabbled with that garbage. Psychedelics just aren't meant for mentally disturbed individuals like myself. I just want something that can make me feel better. I really wish someone could just toss me a single pill-like opiate through a slot in my door each day, or something. Just enough to help me get by and to be something I know will always be there. That'd be perfect.
>>214925>I really wish someone could just toss me a single pill-like opiate through a slot in my door each day, or something. Just enough to help me get by and to be something I know will always be there. That'd be perfect.
Isn't that what psychatric medicamention is about?
>>214925>I also wonder if people who died from overdoses were just being needlessly greedy. Was their downfall a result of simply being unsatisfied & gluttonous for bigger hits, or using responsibly, but eventually being driven into a corner due to building up a resistance, leaving them no choice, but to up the dosage? I guess it depends from person to person, as with mostly everything.
The lethal dose rises with tolerance, the biggest reason people OD is because they take a break and when they come back they use their same dose as before but their tolerance is lower now so they OD.
One of my biggest problems is a lack of working memory. I can't say anything that isn't simple and obvious because in order to organize my thoughts into something other people can understand it takes more mental resources than I possess. I will often be trying to explain something and then my train of thought will just vanish into thin air and I can't get it back. It makes me very insecure and it makes me feel like I am trapped inside my head on the real world. Online it is somewhat bettter because you can just see what you've written, but in person I'm basically unable to actually talk about anything that I find interesting with anyone. This makes all interaction a chore to me where I just have to find the correct option to put people at ease and I get nothing from it.
>>214925>Do you happen to regularly use opiates? Would you consider yourself a responsible user? Do you find it's easy to maintain that responsibility? Have you ever risked becoming addicted? Do you yourself have a large stash to avoid issues with supply?
For about 3 years I used about 2 times a week. Then for 2 years I was a daily user. Twice I took a break for a few weeks where I tapered off and took none.
I treated it fairly scientifically, finding it good to test myself to make sure I could quit without issues.
Right now I havent taken any drugs at all for 4 months, because I finally took a leap and moved out of my family's house to travel in another country. The benefit of buying drugs online was being exposed to cryptocurrency when it was cheap so I have money to do this. I feel fine. It's a matter of preference that I enjoy drugs but I don't 'need' them
One discreet package can have enough for many months or even years, depending how much you take. I feel like I was always in control, I only ever doubted myself because of the social propaganda. I find even if I only consider my own feelings I like to take breaks occasionally just to remember what it's like to be sober.
>>214926>Isn't that what psychatric medicamention is about?
It's supposed to be.However society has an irrational bias against using opiates this way, and alleged alternatives like antidepressants have a negligible or negative effect for most people.
I'm going to start punishing myself with sleep deprivation if I get nothing done during the day.
My gums are bleeding again.
That sucks wiz. Mine bleed a lot too. Lets both try to take care of them
I should have back pain but for some reason I don't have it. I want to have back pain. At least it's real.
Why did you watch the full video then?
To appreciate her guitar skills of course. Now seriously I let the video play while I was checking the rest of her content. It looks like a brainwashing channel that combines
weird fetishes and awful music and makes them into videos.
I don't understand what is wrong with me. Every morning I wake up before dawn and can't get back to sleep because I am too cold. I put on my winter coat, bundle up in the blankets and I am still too cold, despite it only being like 62 degrees.
It's the opposite for me. I wake up extremely hot. My throat becomes dry and it feels like I've swallowed 1000 needles.
Are you guys eating shortly before sleeping? I notice doing that produces weird things like this. >>214973
I recently started using a plugin for youtube that allows me to block all the channels I want so I never have to see weird things like that. That is strange in itself though because normally that would never happen with a video that old with that low of a view count. I expected to see the views in the hundreds of thousands or millions for something like that as per usual.
Man, I should kill my neighbors and my parents. They're not civilized. They're monkeys.
In fact I do. I eat maybe half an hour before I go to bed.
The doctor I went to complaining about this said I have breathing issues that makes me open my mouth for oxygen during sleep and it's nothing to worry about so I just shrug it off with water.
Anon, it's called growing up
I still exist in the same "life" that I had back then as a kid. It's more like being in limbo and not enjoying either side. I wish I could "lean into" my childish interests to help cope but the energy isn't there. Again, not making sense. It's more than being grown up, idk what grown up even means really in the context of a wiz. I'm an adult, sure. Live like a child.
I had to sad opportunity to watch the rehashed Lion King. The theatre was filled with people who enjoyed the shit they saw as a child. Some even gave the "hats off" expressions and a few minutes of round of applause when the movie ended and sung the hakuna matata song along with the movie.
Personally, I thought the whole movie was shit. In conclusion, I have to disagree about the theory that people get disinterested if they grow up.
MJ somehow looks faker and more uncanny than the guy in the Sonic suit.
I sometimes am but I probably wouldn't do much more than play video games if I wasn't too sick to do so. Otherwise I'm the same person I was inside, I just lacked more realization and direction of things when I was very young. A lot I know now I'm finding I knew all along about life and now it feels like I'm on the outside of it all. I would say it's also like actually living those childhood nightmares I would have of everything going to shit but I also don't have much fear anymore besides of pain from losing everything in my now more fragile state of health. I'm homeless and run out of money, it's over.
Anybody never learn to drive or have gone long periods without driving and then suddenly start?
Do you find yourself enjoying the comfort of not having to drive better?
im going out for a walk i hope nothing bad happens.
Not sure what you mean. I probably drive like.. 5 hours a year and I've had a license for 10 years now, usually me in a car means some emergency. I'm not a big fan of driving because how dependant you are on other people in every scenario, but it's probably the only time I'm fully focused on what I'm doing, instead of daydreaming or thinking about something, also the car isn't mine and I don't like to get financially involved in posessions that aren't mine (so gas and covering any damage).
I'd probably enjoy going somewhere in a car, but I have nowhere to go.
I mean like, worried you're going to wreck. It feels like a big responsibility. I mean the idea of a night drive is pretty cool when there's nobody on the road etc but I feel like not being able to drive is actually not as bad as it seems.
I don't know how to drive. To be honest my motor skills deficits always made it super intimidating. I probably would have failed the test or barely squeaked by and gotten into non-deadly accidents.
I live in a big city so not being able to drive sucks. I get serious anxiety walking alone since everyone else is usually with someone or they aren't walking by themselves all the time. On the outside I'm not a kid and way too fucking old, but it always feels like I'm just the same as I ever was in school.
FUCK, I've procrastinated so much this semester and I'm almost done. It's like I KNOW deep down that I never wanted this and that it'll lead to nothing, and that I'm meant to rot in the ground because I just can't do this shit.
I'm never going to graduate or get a job. Even if some people think it's good here, it's just me knowing that I'll never achieve any goals or aspirations and that I'm literally just waiting for death. I can't even look at my parents in the eyes and tell them how much I've fucked up. I had an instructor literally give everyone a week to do assignments that I've not even done, a whole two chapters, and I've procrastinated again. I don't expect any kind of happy ending for me. I never did.
I can't even cry anymore. I feel just as awful as I usually do, but now I can't even cry about it. My eyes maybe get a little watery, but that's about it. No tears, or anything that would actually feel like a release. I want to cry and actually feel very much like crying, but I can't. Why is this? I'll admit that crying has been something I somewhat chastise myself for doing. I always think of that old saying, 'Laugh & the world laughs with you, cry & you cry alone', and it just makes me feel pathetic & useless. Not to mention that, as a male, it's hard not to feel like a giant wimp whenever I really start sobbing & crying over me & my own problems, even though it's always just alone as I'm laid flat on the floor of my room. At the same time, I don't care & I just want to cry. Life is awful & cruel & tedious. It wears me down day after day after day. The least I can do is have a cry about it, but I can't even do that. It's really awful.
Tbh I tend to get disoriented with directions at times and don't move out of the way the right way when someone's walking in the opposite direction so it leads to a lot of awkwardness. It'd be amplified in a vehicle.
If you have trouble crying because of sadness you could maybe try watching something that can move you to tears, something inspiring maybe, but if you are really depressed this may be tough to do.
Corona chan is making me feel more guilty everyday about wishing for apocalypse in the past.https://twitter.com/livecrisisnews/status/1231649720487088129
I hate when I post sometimes and I just screw everything up based on what I say. I wouldn't consider myself a troll or a shitposter, but somehow I occasionally make these sorts of posts without even realizing I'm making them. That is until people get angry or irritated with me and claim I'm just trolling which will leave me confused since, from my perspective, they're just normal posts. It feels like I'm Mr. Magoo after having wandered though an area blind before then turning around after finding his glasses, finally seeing all the mayhem he left behind him. Does anyone else inadvertently "troll" like this, without even realizing you're doing it? At the same time, when I do look back on them, it's depressing to see how what I've said has either been misunderstood, or that what I said was really stupid as well & that it's as if I was just unconsciously looking to push people's buttons and nothing more. Either way, it just makes me wish I had said nothing. I just wonder why I can be so needlessly an asshole at times, or that I get accused of being an asshole when I was just trying to seek help or information.
I dunno, people call me an edgelord when I'm usually being 100% serious.
Chinks are terribly cruel to animals hope corona makes them fucking extinct
And if you don't care about animals they have concentration camps for neets
i'm a fucking moron
i have a good eyesight and never wore glasses. but for the last two years i became super paranoid (i have OCD) about some dust or sand getting in my eyes when i'm outside.
so i ordered wide glasses, cheapest lenses with zero dioptrics (or whatever the fuck it's called), just for protection.
when i recieved them i noticed that they slightly zoom stuff if i look precisely at the edges of lenses. i thought that's just the effect of any glass/lense, i doubt the glasses shop fucked up.
first couple of days it was fine. than one day i think i was walking streets a lot and my eyes started aching but it didn't last. and today i made a fucking mistake reading price tags at the grocery store. motherfucker, it feels like arteries in my right eye are blowing up, its been 5 hours already. and i remember my mom said once that you can screw your eyes with wrong glasses for good.
you try protecting yourself and end up in shit. like people overusing sanitiser gels and soap.
you whant to let go, but OCD won't let you.
only good thing about all of this - it reminded me of how pathetic are my current "social" problems, worries and desires. physical pain is the master.
This is going to be a messy post, but gif related is pretty much what runs through my head whenever I browse any other site on the internet that isn't something neutral & inert (like Wikipedia, for instance), or when reading 90% of the posts on this site from what are clearly outsiders, normalswine, shitposters, warlocks, arm chair psychologists, or self-improvement nuts. This whole site is absolutely rife with this shit and while it can be quite irritating it mostly just leaves me empty & depressed. Just look at these two idiots for instance, here >>>/wiz/165147 & >>>/wiz/165154 here.The first guy, although his attitude for defending escapism is in the right place, is still just dripping with contempt for depression & the anhedonia it induces. I'll admit that I also force myself to enjoy media and I that sleep A LOT in between when I'm able to engage with escapism, mostly as a form of building of the wherewithal to do it again, but it hardly has done much to improve the quality of my enjoyment of said escapism as a whole. Which continues to remain at a very low level, as it has for many years. Anyway, a lot of it just comes off as smug & mockingly ignorant. And again, this website is full of posts like that.Meanwhile, the second guy is arguably much worse. Whereas the other guy had at least some redeeming qualities, the outright shaming of media & escapism by this guy is just flat out disgusting, repulsive & reeks of a disdain for solitude. Not to mention that shilling therapy, medication, or any sort of normalswine bullshit like that should be a bannable offense as far as I'm concerned. If wizards were the KKK, it's sorts like these we'd lynch & then hang in celebration from the nearest tree.Anyway, call me an insufferably judgemental asshole too, but I had to illustrate & showcase what I meant somehow. This is also hardly the worst example of what I'm describing. Just a recent happening of it that annoyed me. This is probably why I feel most comfortable in /dep/, frankly, or the more neutral boards like /hob/, /jp/ & /games/. To me it seems overwhelmingly apparent that /wiz/, and to a much larger extent /lounge/, are the most cancerous boards on this website, discounting /meta/ & /b/ of course. It's either people LARPing in their truwiz bubble, condescending wizchads, or just out & out normalswine barely keeping up the pretense behind their shitposting. /dep/ can find itself swamped with this at times, but I find there's at least some noticeable push back to that shit here, as opposed to the other boards. Anyway, I just hate it is all and it gets on my nerves. I don't want to get into an extended argument or bullshit flinging contest about this sort of unfixable crap which is why I'm quietly posting this here instead of on the septic tank that is /meta/. I just want to vent and maybe get at least one or two wizards who agree with me, or at least understand where it is I'm coming from. That's basically it.
I hate this life
The only thing I can say is human in me is my heart
but I am not human
Who did this and why?
I should really be living as something else
I don't know what life is for someone like me
but it's not something human
because I cannot be among humans with only a human heart
To keep living is to keep making the same mistake everyday
You could have helped
We could have helped each other
But he was right
and he's gone now
I should leave with him
I should have killed you before you killed yourself
but I don't kow how to be strong
I only know how to be weak
I must kill everyone
I don't know when it started but my eyes are extremely sensitive to light and motion, I can only use screens if the brightness is set to 0 otherwise I will have strained eyes that feel like they got rubbed with a towel for the rest of the day, sometimes it lasts until the next morning, also my sight is rather bad and I need glasses. Bad eyes make life even harder and can be a real handicap. I know what you mean by saying it's was a bad decision to read those small letters,eyestrain and the migraine like feeling that comes with it are some of the worst shit I experienced because it fogs the mind terribly.
You must kill yourself
>>215304>brightness is set to 0
i imagine the best way will be using a big e-reader for browsing web, no videos though
Same but I'm not funny like he is.
It's been a fairly long while since I last cried. It's weird how my ability to do so seems totally random. The periods of when I'm able to cry are extremely brief & extremely rare. Even watching something I find to be sad, or what have you, seems to have no bearing on whether I'm able to cry. Either way, even when crying is possible, I find I have to actively bring it about. It's usually something I have to almost make a concerted effort of bringing to the surface, otherwise it just fades away. The frustrating part is when no matter how much I try to bring it to the surface it just won't happen. I'm denied even the ability to cry alone in my room. That itself is enough to have me want to cry, but, due to the cruel nature of this predicament, I can't. The feelings of repression & lack of release are really overwhelming & it truly wreaks havoc on me.
I always postponed suicide in fear of screwing up and becoming a vegetable. Now time has took its course and I ended up as bad anyway. I was lied to. They said it would get better. What a joke this all is. Not I lack the motivation to kill myself. Should have done it when the time was right and I still had ambitions to do something at all.
Yeah same. I mean, I was always oversold on myself when I have crippling impairments brain-wise. I just hid it by memorizing facts and having a big vocabulary. It disguised my inability to do anything worthwhile. It doesn't work in the real world.
I always feel empty. When will it stop?
It will stop when you cease to exist
It's hardly your fault, wiz.
Nothing. Forcing yourself to do something you don't like is bad for the psyche.
I have many math assignments to do and some shitty courses to take, its all so tiresome, I don't like my major but I really want to get a decent job in the future and my parents are wanting to kick me out soon, fuck i just want comfy computer time.
Don't take a major you dislike. The classes are designed to make you want to quit, and if you don't want it, you will not make it unless you have strong willpower.
I've been a hikikomori for 7 years, a few months back I managed to get disability. Great, right? I've been spending every cent I get on research chemicals and then scamming people on the internet for more bitcoin to buy more dissos. I'm addicted to arylcyclohexylamines. PCP, ketamine, MXE. I've been coping hard. I snorted a line of PCP, when it kicks in I'll forget for a few hours and I'll be okay again. I'll be manic. I'll be happy. My mind is getting more foggy, more slow, I know what I'm doing. I'm ruining my mind, I didn't think I'd make it this far without jumping off a building, but I keep going. I tried heroin recently, it wasn't all that great. I tried meth too, it wasn't great either. But when I'm dissociating, all my worries fade away. Everything goes away, my thoughts, my feelings, that emotional part is cut off. I feel great. I'm starting to feel okay now but I know it's temporary. When the drugs wear off I'll be back to where I was before, just a little worse off, it's hard to recognize myself these days. I feel like a blur of a human being. I don't know where I was going with this post, it's all chemicals in the end right? All I have to do is alter those chemicals in my brain a little bit and I'll be happy, right? And I am, I'm feeling great now. How long can this hedonism last? The government is going to realize I'm spending my entire check on bitcoin and ask eventually, I know it's only a matter of time. Oh well, I don't care anymore. I'm feeling good. Later, friends.
Well, at least he can cry. Unlike me. I'd prefer to cry if I could, but my body appears to have a will of its own when it comes to this sort of thing.
Interesting. I'm also a hikikomori, plus an agoraphobe to boot, and I've got about 6 extra years on you in regards to my total time spent in isolation. How often do you go outside, by the way? Personally, I stopped referring to myself as a hikikomori given how often people misuse it as a synonym for being a NEET. I want a term that excludes such people altogether, so 'chronic shut-in' or ''reclusive urban hermit' are terms I feel have a more strict enough meaning so people can't confuse/corrupt them to mean something else.
Anyway, the only drug I've ever tried is weed and it just gave me anxiety/panic attacks and it pretty much turned me off drugs forever. Even just the smell of weed manages to bring about anxiety & disorientation in me.
You also seem rather capable it sounds like. Managing bitcoin & scamming people & things like that. I couldn't even begin to have the courage/wherewithal to do stuff like that. I just sleep, browse the web and lay around in various positions staring at nothing. And I do all this without even the benefit of drugs. Just me sitting there feeling my brain rotting while I'm stone cold sober. I zone out a lot though these days, so that sorta helps, but might be a sign of brain damage, since my room is essentially a perpetually dark bunker and I almost never look outside or get much sunlight, discounting whenever I go to the bathroom, or get the meals my mom has left for me in the kitchen. I should probably start taking vitamin D pills, or something. Also, I wouldn't worry about the government checking on what you're doing. I've been on disability for nearly a decade and have used it to buy myself tons of electronics & other consumer goods and I've never been bothered by such things. The money is basically yours to do with as you please, so enjoy it. These days, I mostly just save it, since, besides upgrading my computer every now & again, I can't think of anything else to spend it on, besides random gadgets. The only thing you really have to worry about is when you're up for renewal, since if you can't prove you're not still disabled they'll take it away from you. I was able to prove that my mental problems are permanent and thus I'll never be up for renewal and am therefore seen as disabled for life.
Anyway, I wish I could take drugs or were as crafty as yourself. Sadly, I really can't do anything. I get acutely stressed just having to answer an e-mail or having to research or browse around for an item I'm interested in. Even something as simple as looking for something I want to buy, drains all my energy & stresses me out. Even the littlest things are taxing for me.
>My mind is getting more foggy, more slow, I know what I'm doing. I'm ruining my mind, I didn't think I'd make it this far without jumping off a building, but I keep going.
Well, somehow I'm still going. My mind is also ruined & has been in a state of perpetual fogginess & slowness for at least 5 years now. And I don't even have the benefit of drugs to make the pain go away. I'll admit that I'd like to kill myself, but mostly because life is tiring for me & there's nothing on this planet that I actually want.
>I tried heroin recently, it wasn't all that great. I tried meth too, it wasn't great either.
That's interesting. You've really run the gamut on drugs it seems. Like I said, weed alone was enough to give me a permanent phobia of any & all drugs. Not to mention that, although I've used the darknet in the past, I couldn't muster the energy required to ever use it now. Plus, I live with my parents and I wouldn't be able to hide taking hardcore drugs from them, even assuming I had the courage to take them in the first place. Still, I'm a little jealous you can manage to try that many drugs so fearlessly, since I'd never have the guts for that. Not to mention that you have them to at least kill the pain for yourself. I have nothing, with the small exception of gaming which is a shadow of what it once was for me, and having to feel my own sense of anhedonia & depression 24/7, minus any method to really numb it, has pretty much melted my brain in & of itself.
>it's hard to recognize myself these days. I feel like a blur of a human being.
Again, I just feel like that normally. I forget who I am and look around my room and spend sometimes 5 minutes genuinely forgetting who it is I am, or how I got here. I can't recognize much of myself and I'm not sure that I ever really existed. My past is certainly non-existent, or very close to it, given I've been nearly exclusively in this room for over a decade. Christopher Knight, although a hermit of a different stripe, had it right when he described what long-term isolation does to one's perception of not just oneself, but everything else as well. As in, you basically cease to recognize yourself & no longer truly "exist" as most other people do.
Very interesting,how old are you? Aren't your parents tired of dealing with a hikki?
You guys are kinda lucky to live in a 1st world country and have NEETbux,where I live such things just don't exist,you either work or make money somehow or you rot in the streets and probably die of starvation.
He's lucky since he got it at all. Most government agencies if you can talk or pass classes want you to live like a normal person even if you can't.
meds? they never prescribed you any meds or you never taken them?
>how old are you? Aren't your parents tired of dealing with a hikki?
28. As for my parents, they've, believe it or not, never had any qualms with my being an inert hermit and are, more or less, the perfect guardians for one such as myself. They fully accept that my being this way isn't really a choice at this point, assuming it ever really was, and that I was more or less just born & destined for this life and, thus, accept me for who I am, as we all take care of each other the best we can. To their credit, I suppose you could say, they tried to get me help when I was much younger, but when it was clear it wasn't working they shifted their energies into simply looking after me instead, which is to be commended since not many others parents would ever do the same.
>I live such things just don't exist,you either work or make money somehow or you rot in the streets and probably die of starvation.
Yeah, agreed. That definitely sounds awful. >>215391
True. I was definitely lucky to get it (with the additional bonuses of never having to worry about renewal, or any other abiding conditions), especially since my disabilities are entirely cognitive/mental health related, as opposed to physical. >>215392
>meds? they never prescribed you any meds?
Nope. Severe autism can't be clinically treated with meds or theraphy, so, as a result, I was never forced into doing or taking either. Simply applying based on depression or anxiety wouldn't get you approved I don't think, at least not without, as you say, being mandated medication or therapy, along with many review periods as well where I'd imagine they'd just try to kick you off it as soon as possible, so they don't have to give you money anymore.
Past failures and embarrassing situations randomly pop up in my head and I immediately have a reaction to them, it's an impulse that almost seems like some kind of light version of tourrettes because I say things out loud without wanting to. It's either words or even whole sentences like "I'm glad I will die one day" or "I'll kill myself". This happened in the presence of other people a few times and I had to act like I was reacting to something in order to not make it seem too retarded.
>>215405>expecting wiz-tier endings from manga.
I can't think of one manga that has a depressing wiz like ending in a manga, it always end up with the MC married and happy no matter what, its so cheesy.
I would say a manga but that would spoil it wouldn't it?
You've been a hikki for a very long time, huh anon? Nice Satou picture. I go outside to check the mail (for drugs) but besides that I don't do much. Weed makes me very anxious as well, I've spent the last week binging on PCP while watching Bojack Horseman. It's a great show, I ended up forgetting that I took a dose of PCP (several times) and ended up taking 60mg in the span of an hour and almost died a few hours ago. It was very thrilling and very scary. For a brief moment I was fine with dying while peaking, I was in bliss, but I spent a lot of time very anxious. I can't say I recommend it. I do get anxious trying new drugs but I've almost made it a vendetta to try every strange research chemical I can get my hands on, I've tried countless but still have a few left to go. 5-MeO-DMT is one I'm planning to scratch off my list soon, it's the strongest natural psychedelic known to mankind and 4-10x more potent then DMT. Sometimes it's very scary but also very entertaining, right now I'm manic from the PCP, can't wait for it to wear off so I can sleep. I do regret taking it. I'm diagnosed with schizophrenia, autism and ADHD. I'm not sure when they'll check up on me but I'm sure it'll be awhile. Hope you're doing well anon.
is there anything beyond when Monad demolishes this failed world will another demiurge rise to ruin the peace again or will an utopia rise from the unity that shouldn't ever changed
I don't care. Name? Just spoiler tag.
Nice. I'll check these.
I wonder if this is really a common thing with many wizards, or it's just the two of us writing about it in dep a couple times a year.
My grandmother is dead. All my life I ignored her for the internet, only mumbling a quiet "hello" or "ok". Whenever she tried to talk to me about her past I would ignore her and leave the room. Now she is dead, and I will never be able to fix my mistakes, I will live with this regret forever. I lived so many fake lives that I forgot to live my own.
I don’t want to add insult to injury, but what do you care? You clearly had no interest in her prior to her death, why does her death suddenly spark interest?
Do you ever mean to go do something but then instead you end up lying in bed and watching anime for 2 weeks? I wish I could just do stuff without being such a weak and lazy loser.
At least three of us, I've posted in these crawl threads about it before too.
I just coughed bloody snot. Head hurts. Feels like shit. >>215434
Ah I 've seen Gilgamesh by the way, I didn't like it because it was really slow and I didn't care for any of the characters. The animation was quite bad too.
Loved EoE though.
I mean if you cant control it to that degree maybe it is tourettes. I relate to randomly recalling past embarrassing or bad memories and then being paralyzed and wanting to die though. Just happens at total fucking random
there is more to existence than happiness.
Yeah anything can trigger them. It sucks.
I feel relieved that whatever bad shit was going to happen economically is going to happen now because of coronavirus. The global debt to GDP was at all time highs and you know that can only end one way. Why we still accept these ridiculous boom and bust cycles that are created by the reliance on credit and debt I will never know. It makes no sense. They would not happen if you simply set interest rates to zero permanently.
I wonder how me & my mother will weather such an event. That being the global economy coming undone. We've always been in a rather precarious position financially, so a global economic meltdown would probably utterly demolish us, along with tens of millions of other people. Once it does finally happen, hopefully there will be a global revolution, or something. I'd like to think so, since so many people will be affected this time that it seems unavoidable for there to not be some kind of major reckoning against the upper classes to finally take place. Of course, we'll all probably just roll over & take it. People are too brainwashed, fearful & tired for anything else.
It would also be nice, I suppose, to have the ability to profit off of it somehow, but I have no knowledge or experience of the stock market, or anything like that. It's not like I have that much money to play around with either, so it's really just empty daydreaming on my part. I guess I just fantasize about making an easy fortune, ala the bitcoin craze of more than a decade ago, so me & mother could live in a decent house & to finally have financial freedom. No longer having to suffer under the yoke of poverty and the binding nature it inherently imposes on what one can do and the freedom one can enjoy. Alas though, those days are long gone. Unicorn investments like what bitcoin once was are all someone like me can understand or hope for, not to mention afford. I mean, weren't there people who bought like a $1000-$2000 worth of bitcoin and then managed to sell it for like a couple hundred thousand to a million dollars, or something? Either way, it was a true poor man's investment in the sense that, assuming one managed to buy in early enough, anyone could take advantage and get major dividends back. From what little I know, most investments don't bring back nearly anywhere that amount of a return and plus you already need to be very savvy about market dynamics and have some moderate/substantial money to work with. Money may not buy happiness, but it does buy freedom.
Well, whether it all happens now, or later this year, it does seem like whatever is coming, will come soon. I just hope me & my mother don't lose this old house of ours. Without that we're finished. I don't understand how recessions or depressions work, but I'd imagine whatever debt people have, like in mortgages or whatever, will be called by the failing banks and everything will be seized & reposed in a giant conflagration of financial ruin.
I've been a hikki for 6~ years and all i can possibly get from visiting my district doctor is total ignore, bribe requests and/or a proposal to go fuck myself and die. No disability and even no pills for you goy, just go die on the streets or something. Oh and do i have to mention that i can't even buy them without having a prescription, in order to get which i should be able to afford a paying doctor. Why was i born in this sick joke of a country and why is there no way out.
docs just shower me with pills they give no bux.
Once I get better I intend to create a dictionary of depressed experiences. It's so absurd were still sitting here in depressed communities barely able to describe things. There are writings on phenomenology of depression, they need to be distilled down. One day.
I lost two grandparents this way, never showed up to dinners and hardly had any conversations with them because I'm too socially retarded, It always felt like they will always be there as grandparents but when they died I realized that I will never get to experience their presence ever again and that I wasted all the time I could have spent with them. Their funerals were some of the saddest days in my life and the only time I cried in tears in front of people, that digged up emotions I didn't even know I have and I regret not enjoying their presence as much when they were still alive.
After 3 years I accomplished the goals I set as my self defined "last shot" and frankly everything is going better than I ever imagined.
And yet, I still don't feel fulfilled or like I belong anywhere, and now I can't go back. It's like I changed everything but nothing that matters actually changed.
Maybe the only options really are to either dope myself on brain altering meds or suicide.
>>215563>After 3 years I accomplished the goals I set as my self defined "last shot" and frankly everything is going better than I ever imagined.
what exactly did you accomplish?
Cookie cutter meaningless nonsense. I went back to school online years after dropping out, and landed a job that I can live comfortably off of and isn't really that stressful or challenging compared to the retail wageslaving I used to have to do.
The more I think about it I probably was hoping I'd fail again to give me the push.
I'm losing weight and losing my hair.
I look like complete shit.
Normalfags get to have the advantage of finding people with shared interests that makes it easier for them to get deeper into it and get their questions and recommendations clarified by fellow normalfags in same interests. They're everywhere playing from "literally what" games like swat 4 to most "normalfag filled" games like fortnite.
why does my head have to be filled with these thoughts that aappear in response to other thoughts that are not harmful.- FUck you brain just fuckin dissappear this shit is embarassing i'm like a fucking stupid normalfag when in reality ive never been one fuck you you piece of shit normalfag thoughts get the fuck out of my head, nromalfag responses, normalfag beliefs, normalfag reactions. All this don't make sense, I haven't led a life remotely close to that ofa normalfag why do I have to be so hard on myself and tolerate on a daily basis this mindfulness diahrrea. I don't give a fuck if im a loser jus, I don't give a fuck that i lostttttt just leave me alone I'm a loser yoju stupid brain what's so hard to understand I will lose again I know that just leave me alone you shitty brain I know im a loser for life I accept it just fuck off i dont want to remember names I dont want to remember places, I dont want to remember faces, I dont want to remember sounds
I dont want to keep remembering. I dont wanna wknow what you think or what anyone thinks about me or how the world sees me when I'm pretty much nonexistant to everybody and nobody thinks about me even for a second because I live alone and have always had. FUCK YOU BGRAINNNNNN YOU FUCKIN AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWORK THE WAY YOU'RE SUPPOSAED TO DO.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT PEOPLE ARE SHIT YOU STUPID BRAIN I DONT HAVE TO PAY FOR THE MISTAKES OF OTHERS FUCK THEM ALL
Springtime fucking sucks. I don't know why, but I just feel like shit, it aggravates my depression, anger outbursts and anxiety, plus I always fall ill at least once during spring.
Maybe try viewing it as your brain avoiding threat. Realize your mind is churning this over for avoiding threat, that these events might harm or cause suffering for you. Any harm you're feeling your brain may bring up old memories trying to problem solve about escaping this current harm. If you put it in these terms you might be able to let go of them easier.
I honestly don't care about the constant bickering the brain does much than the pervalent hardons that I keep getting for no reason as if my body is begging me to try anything it can to spread my seed when I'm just a fat, poor and lazy neet. The biological impulses are too much compared to me than the other things like job, wealth and success.
Yeah this really sucks. If my brain is inept at everything else, it should be inept at the libido factor too. It fucking sucks.
you're transforming into a truewizard
>>215584>Realize your mind is churning this over for avoiding threat
But this isn't even true, the brain itself is the fucking the threat generator by design, it's the one doing the threatening. It's the enemy you have to live with.
Please don't post normalfag communication signs.
I'll have to endure a "family trip" for almost two weeks with my father and siblings. I'm only here cause my mother threatened to throw me in a psych ward again if I declined the invite yelling to me to act "normal". My father knows I'm suicidal and simply don't give a fuck, all my siblings, way older than me ignore my existence and treat me like some austistic stranger.
I'm going to spend this fucking two weeks following them like a stupid dog without saying a damn word cause none of them will even think to ask how am I doing. I hate this, the bugs in my room are more family friendly than this gang of assholes will ever be.
Sometimes I wonder why people's knee-jerk reaction to discussion about depression/suicide is to give some unenlightened advice like a Pez dispenser. From my point of view, those who're mentally at their limit probably cannot hope for someone to confide in without inviting more groid sayings that don't touch the real issues - it's just groid spit-balling to see what sticks to stall a suicide. Posting your thoughts anonymously is the only outlet to the bullshit all bottled up and it's society's fault for encouraging that. Groids cannot expect to shame people into shutting up and not have suicide seen as the ultimate release. You cannot have it both ways.
If anything, suicide is one more sign of the failings of the species to care for its own intelligently and sincerely.
Many grand historical persons and popular fictional characters have commited suicide for a greater cause, a transcendence idea, an heroic purpose. They didn't care abnout what others think of them as they had a sublime mind and character so they not only stand above normalfags they also are admired form normalfags for their integrity. Normalfags can't comprehend what excatly they admire thus they say that suicide is a sign of sin and weakness but secretly they still admire those magnificent minds because after all they know that they simply are too weak and dependent to do it themselves the right way. They hate what they can't achieve.
whyyyyyyyy does the suuun go on shining
whyyyyyyy does the seeea rush to shore
don't they knoooow it's the eeeeend of the woooooorld
You know the logical answers to everything, you see the scene, the stupid misfortune, parthetic, useless. Yet you're a slave to morals regarding your parents, hardwired in your brain from the start. What a fucking joke.
I become so weak to everything.
>>214914>How can anyone watch this and say with a straight fucking face that life, the world and nature is "all well & good".
Nature cares not about our pseudomoralistic and emotional weakness when faced with reality.
People know they need their cars and will rush to spend hundreds getting it diagnosed and fixed or spend all day in the garage working on it if they so much as hear it squeak the wrong way. But when it comes to other humans, who we spend two decades investing in before we expect them to be productive adults, society and often even families just dump each other on the curb at the first sign of a problem and nobody has the patience for anything. It's really sick that this tiny corner of the internet is the only place where so many people can actually express their feelings. Humans are fucking awful to each other.
My tinnitus has been getting bad again. I can't live with this.
The things is that animals work different than humans because they don't have a consciousness, they only have instincts and they act accordingly to nature.
There is a reason for human beings to have something more in their brain (cortex or something like that) that makes them conscious but no one has found out why yet. Human beings are not made to prey on each other because we have a feeling of bad & good just like you showed in your post, that's why we are not supposed to rape, hurt or kill each other even though many human beings do exactly these things because they are mentally sick in some way.
What we as humans should actually do is find out why we are concious but of course we will never find out because it's too late for those questions, society is too fucked up and and there is no place to actually ask such questions.
Just like there are people who think that animals are like human beings there are people who think that human beings are like animals and both are wrong because they take shortcuts in their thinking probably because they are too simple minded or too overwhelmed to look at the complexity of things.
>>215731>because they don't have a consciousness
absolutely no basis for this statement
Animals don't even know that they are animals so how are they conious?
Well I guess I don't know what you mean by consciousness. I use the:>knowledge or perception of a situation or fact.
definition, they most likely have perception.
As for "knowing" they are animals, that's just a name we've assigned to them. We don't really know what WE are even, we've just assigned the symbol "human" to whatever this experience is.
It's physically proven that human's have some more stuff in their brain than animals and that's responsible for us to actually be concious about what we are. (not in a sense of why we exist because that's another question). It doesn't matter what we call it, we just call it "humans" and "animals" we could call it "dobs" and "fios" and they would still be two different things physically and mentally.
Also humans are of course more intelligent than animals which is another proof that there is some meaning to us exisiting in a different way but we will never find out because humans went paths that will never allow such questions to be discussed in the greater public etc. maybe I'm too optimistic and we are just what we are supposed to be.
>>214914>because they don't have a consciousness
No, they just don't have a conscience, which is understandable as abstract empathy is pretty much strictly a human thing. Consciousness itself is on a scale (with dolphins, elephants and the like being the closest to humans in terms of emotional and social complexity)
>why we are concious
A little thought experiment. Since animals are conscious, and humans, as more evolved and complex creatures, are more conscious even than animals (imagine this difference in consciousness as the difference between a severely autistic person or downie and a 150 IQ genius, the difference between a moron who can't even recognize his own reflection and a man solving the mysteries of space and time in his sleep) it is logical to assume that humans too aren't the "most" concsious creature alive.
Then it becomes apparent that you can't really say *how* conscious the human race is, because for all we know, peak biological consciousness is incomprehensible to us. We could be the downie when relativized against some extradimensional super-brain skullfucker.
Now, back to your post.>they only have instincts and they act accordingly to nature
If we define instincts as deterministic drives based entirely on neurochemistry, then the human "free will" is also nothing more than an instinct. It's an instinct that's capable of acting independently of outside stimulus (such as hunger, cold, pain) and an instinct that can override lower instincts. (you can for example rationally decide to commit suicide even if you're perfectly happy, and your cortex is capable of executing that decision even if every single stress response in your body is screaming "NO!")
It is still deterministic though. That's the nature of physical matter. The irrationalities of rational thought, or "free will", can be characterized either as other instincts skewing your priorities (libido fucking with your perception of what is most desireable in the moment, for example) or failings in logical thinking. If you are put two times into an identical situation, you will make the identical choices, unless you either act irrationally, are too dumb to deduce the most rational answer, or the rest of your limbic system literally lies to your cortex.
This comes to a fascinating conclusion. Fully logical, calculating, dead, steel machines, artificial intelligences, are capable of being more conscious than humans. Sure, they won't have the same perception as our biochemistry-based senses give us, but functionally, an AI can theoretically far surpass humans in "consciousness". If you say that this isn't true consciousness as the machine has no feelings, i tell you, you can disable emotions in a human being. That's called a psychopath. It's conscious is it not? Or alternatively you could code in certain exeptions into the AI to skew it's decisionmaking as human emotion skews our decisionmaking. But you have only imposed arbitrary restrictions on it's logic, not given it consciousness because of these restrictions.
The only argument left for priviledging humans with consciousness over machines is that humans feel the way we do, because of the chemicals that make us feel a certain way. If this is your criteria for consciousness, we can create a synthetic, biological organism, modified to act as the perfect rational agent, conscious, and perfect.
And that is my vision of what consciousness means, and the extremes it can be taken to.
>>215736>unless you either act irrationally, are too dumb to deduce the most rational answer, or the rest of your limbic system literally lies to your cortex.
*Unless your brain's neurological condition at that very moment would have led you to act irrationally with a given stimulus
Think of it this way:
A - State of brain (all the shit floating around there, and all of their places)
B - Outside stimulus
With A being 1 and B being 2 (both the state of the brain and the stimulus being identical between all cases), you will always get A + B = 3 as an answer. This is how determinism plays into consciousness. You of course don't notice this process, since it's perfectly natural for you to act in a certain way given your circumstances. (Especially the trillions of tiny little alterations that happen every milisecond that can have a tremendous impact on your actions)
If the machine is more concious than a human being then it would know that it has been programmed by human beings and that it is a machine and so forth this would eventually lead to senselessness in it's thinking.
A psychopath always ends up being destructive towards animals and other human beings, for example if a psychopath is horny he will rape a succubus but that succubus will feel pain and trauma which is bad and not how it is supposed to be according to nature who gave healthy human beings the perception that this make them feel bad etc. If a psychopath is hungry he might break into your house and kill you to get your food and that would be a problem for you. If all human beings would be like that then the internet wouldn't even exist and we would all end up killing and getting killed all waking hours. Funny enough, psychopathy has been linked to brain damage in the prefrontal cortex, so they most likely have inferior brains.
>between a severely autistic person or downie and a 150 IQ genius
Downies and morons have inferior brains and genes, that's why they are retarted, it's a condition, you could get hit in the head and become a retard.
I wonder if my liver problem causes this icelike feet I keep having
A psychopath isn't a person with "disabled emotions", it's a spectrum of brain/behaviour characteristics.>>215739
No, they don't always become destructive. In fact, most of them are harmless, usually going unoticed their entire lives.
I truly admire the ability of people hide their true intentions behind kindness and charisma.
I'm just too weak agaisnt that, i believe what they até saying thinking the best possible. Maybe I Just a failed normie.
My gout has been acting up off and on for maybe three weeks. The medicine my doctor gave me would clear it up for a few days, then it's back.
I'm getting bloodwork done today. I hope it will lead to me getting medicine (or something else) that provides lasting relief for it.
It's a pain in the ass. I love going for walks. I can't even do that without limping or aggravating my foot. I also enjoy beer and junk food… i haven't had beer in ages, and I'm limiting my junk food intake. All for nothing, as my foot is still aching.
I realize this is a longwinded "wahwahwah my footsie wootsie hurts" post, but it's annoying. I've had gout before, but it was gone in maybe 10 days. Not sure what I'm doing different, outside of trying to moderate my diet
>>215758> A psychopath isn't a person with "disabled emotions", it's a spectrum of brain/behaviour characteristics.
Indeed, and none of them are desirable.> No, they don't always become destructive. In fact, most of them are harmless, usually going unoticed their entire lives.
They tend to be deceitful. The internet has made it very easy for people with no conscience to spread disinformation.
To keep liver clean, olive oil with lemon must be swallowed during fasting times. Or so I heard, why no alt medicine posts here in wizchan?
I drink plenty of lemon juice
This post >>215717
reminded me of something that's really annoying and confusing to me.
First things first, when did mental illness become a trend of sorts and why?
Secondly, have people who flaunt their diagnosis ever genuinely struggled with their mental illness, real or perceived?
I may be treading on the "no true Scotsman" territory here, but I find it hard to believe people who say that they have social anxiety/depression and who are okay with being on camera, sharing their photos and personal information in general, who dress and act rather flamboyantly, who are active on social media, trying to meet new people etc. There may be certain behaviours present that are stereotypical of said mental disorders, but I'm sure that more often than not these are "learned" and are there for show.
(Then again, I live in an area where dying your hair, having "weird" haircuts and over-the-top fashion is considered flamboyant, maybe in the US/certain parts of Europe it's more of a common sight now)
And that's just one example.
I'm not sure why it grinds my gears so much, perhaps because I feel like such clowns make the public greatly underestimate what people who suffer from said disorders go through.
They made it sexy and sexy sells.
That's what confuses me as well, if a person really struggles from those things then the last thing that person wants is being in the center of attention and these succubi dye their hair, have tattoos and pierce their faces, they do anything to be in the center of attention, it makes no sense and shows that this is just another way to appear special in order to get attention as well.
Succubi really act like mental disorders are some kind of accesory like a handbag or a watch and this behaviour proves that they never have to go through any real struggle because they always find people to comfort and help them while men with actual problems have to go through eternal hell and torment.
I have a feeling the hair dying and anime are quite related because of a noticeable overlap with anime audience and autism.
Not that many people are autistic lol. The hair dying thing is done by many people because of the reduced formality in some places. Pop culture has become more entrenched and professional attitudes are shifting away from old aesthetics in some sectors. succubi see Billie Eilish or some other star that dyed their hair and they want to be like them.
Everything is massively over-diagnosed because giving a diagnosis allows the funding/insurance to be given. Diagnosis also basically means "this kind of thing" so the treatment will be "this kind of treatment", most mood disorders can be mistaken for other ones and the treatments aren't too different. There is a functional element to it.
There is just no way online to decipher the severity of the issue. Most people may have a "problem" with their mental health, in that they need to focus a certain amount of time managing it that others don't ( maybe 10-60 minutes a day ). For most people that is a big issue but once you're in to the grounds of barely being able to function and having to spend hours a day on it then it's different.
Why the FUCK should my mom's dog be my responsibility? I work 40 hours a week, I pay $400 in rent a month, I cart my mom all over almost ever single day getting hours and hours of my time wasted because she doesn't drive, basically 4 and half hours a week. Then I have to walk the dog for 4 hours a week on top of that, plus her ocd cleaning bullshit. When none of this would even be my problem in any normal situation.
Family; can't live with them, can't live without them.
I wish I could be world richest person with the greatest amount of resources I would create a gnostic paradise country for wizards and animals latter ones would all get neutered even if already peaceful to make things even better school and work wouldn't exist there no time schedules either anyo'e could sleep, eat, read, play or whatever form of escapism whenever they wanted drugs(for medical purposes or druggie wizzies who aren't conflictive and need them) or medicine would be free there would be the biggest temple on earth to praise the peace and serenity of the Monad wisdom too we would have all best technology and food with resources to have our own electricity and food in case norm countries refused to trade or isolate us and if they threaten us somekind of samson option plan to keep the norms from hurting us
Euthanasia implied as needed medicine too of course no bullshit procedures
>>215758>A psychopath isn't a person with "disabled emotions", it's a spectrum of brain/behaviour characteristics.
True. A psychopath is probably the closest example of a human without emotion though, and is thus still relevant to my example.>>215739>this would eventually lead to senselessness in it's thinking
No, you cannot know that.
>If all human beings would be like that then the internet wouldn't even exist and we would all end up killing and getting killed all waking hours
True, that's why humans have emotions. But it is conceivable that logical beings, even without the pure intelligence for that logic to be correct, are conscious even without emotions. And unless we want to tie consciousness into neurobiology for completely arbitrary reasons (as the difference between a neurobiological consciousness and a program is not their actual function, but their internal workings), we have to admit that "inanimate objects" such as a circuit board can exhibit consciousness just as well as humans. This bio-centrism is generally really reductionistic and gay.
>Downies and morons have inferior brains and genes
My point exactly. Just because they have inferior brains doesn't mean they don't have a consciousness, unless you're just calling intelligence consciousness.
>>215813> A psychopath is probably the closest example of a human without emotion
That is not so. The defining feature of psychopathy is an absence of a conscience, or a sense of right and wrong. That leads to antisocial behavior (behavior which goes against society), hence antisocial personality disorder.
You're right. What's labelled as conscience could be characterized as certain emotions, but that doesn't serve my example.
But the point still stands. There are middle points between human and purely instinctual animal, these help us see that humans are not special, and consciousness is on a sliding scale. And that we cannot assume that humanity is at the top of said scale.
no idiot, after an extinction life will eventually emerge and we'll be on the starting line with all the "suffering", again, don't think your then primitive new animals will be better than humans
efilism or antinatalism is not the solution, it's just a feel-good escapism for girlz-like minded
if you can't bear your life than end it and leave it to the strong
Just tried to take 3 different iq tests and i just can't overpower them. What does it mean if you can't just take a fucking iq test. Should i go to a local docot and ask for a disability.
Saw a cockroach in an anime yesterday guess what my brain did made m e dream about cockroaches coming out meat I was eating and crawling under my skin in my tummy and legs I really fucking hate my sick brain
IQ tests are not an accurate indicator. All you need to ace them is practise and shortcut tricks. I have some pretty low IQ friends who aced GRE exams that has psychometric tests in it through rote memorization and memorizing shortcuts. There are many books available, some institutions exist to improve your scores on IQ tests too.
>>215825>if you just stop a thug from robbing you it doesn't matter because eventually another criminal is gonna rob ya! so a justice system or any type of retialiation you can come up with is dumb and for girlz-like minded, in fact, i might as well just drop dead cause in 100 years that's how im going to be. You idioter then rocks!
You have the intellect of some malnourished baby or you're just plain trolling which is a nasty thing to do on wizchan. You have /b/ for that, you know?
Both of you remind of this video on Peterson's IQ, where he mentions that his IQ is in excess of a 150, that is, X>150 where X is Peterson's IQ.
I wonder if there's any wizard on this site who is that bright.
Maybe we should have an IQ thread.
>>215835> I have some pretty low IQ friends
you are such a fucking idiot
humans advancement is on the way to reduce your so called "suffering"
you think there's any other species has pets who live a comforting neet life consuming its owner's resources? veganism? fake meat?
and i see you kind of "arguments" all the time on reddit. you're just vomiting them out without any original thoughts
back to crys coffe
oh shit not again
Yep, LDAR is the TrueWay™
>Silenced my mind so I don't have to think about my pain. Silenced the sun so I don't have to see the world. Soon I will silence my heart so I don't have to exist anymore.
Pure poetry, this is also the way, i'm glad to see such high IQ realisations among my fellows
Not that it gets us anywhere, but at least it is an honest account of the facts>>214778> 3000 steps a day
I think you misunderstand the concept of LDAR>>215044
What does 'growing up' actually mean neurologically though?
It is that our brains have become developed to a point that imagination and wonder is almost fully diminished?
The rest of the thread i didn't read read through, same old complaining and whining
My bad. Corrrection: Had.
These guys are now working in fortune 500 companies but I'm living with my parents. I haven't spoken to them in years.
>>215850>I think you misunderstand the concept of LDAR
>>215850>Silenced my mind so I don't have to think>Silenced the sun so I don't have to see the world
sounds like an average antinatalist, except they haven't silenced their mouth, stubbornly stupid pessimism
Had a pretty massive depression episode today. I wageslave in a low paying deskjob and the friend of boss congratulates me for doing something smart (unlocking a password protected spreadsheet that I learnt by watching a video on youtube).
Why would I get a depressive attack for something positive?
Probably because my coworker looks at me with envy or maybe because I hate my job and feel like an invisible alien there. I have no idea to exactly pinpoint what the cause of the attack is and and I'm scratching my hair out because of it.
>>215864>having kids is good
I'm willing to make a low quality post to point this thought out.
>"I just can't do this anymore. I can't keep seeing you." Her words came out of the blue to shatter my world. I knew there were issues, to be sure, but like all Aspergians I am very tied to routine. I'm very slow to change, sometimes seeming to discuss things endlessly before making a change. So her sudden decision to dump me came as a total shock. One day I was happy and dreaming of a future. The next day, it all lay shattered in the dust. The pain was far, far worse than anything I'd ever known. I read those trite words, better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all, and I wondered what planet that writer lived on.
Poor 'Aspergian'. succubi are the devil.
Is anyone else just sat on their bedsheets they haven't changed in months, stinking, sleep cycle fucked, no haircut in months, having made no progress in making a life for yourself
yeah, no haircut in 2 years and no life progress in a decade.
I enjoy the rich smell that initially emerges after about 2 weeks of not changing the sheets. But after a month or so it starts to become overwhelming and unpleasant. A very musty scent with hints of old vinegar and stale feces. >>215979
Just get a hairclipper for like $20 and shave your head yourself bro. TruWiz™ are all skinheads.
>>215984>Just get a hairclipper for like $20 and shave your head yourself bro. TruWiz™ are all skinheads.
Can confirm, I always go fully bald so I don't have to worry about that stuff for the next 1-2 months. A bald head doesn't fit everyone though but if some normie has a problem with your bald head just say "I have cancer" and they will magically dissappear.
Been there before but I am making progress. My sleep cycle is shit, but much better than it used to be. I used to just sleep during the day and be up all night, now my only issue is getting really sleepy during the middle of the day and sleeping like shit at night. I think my shitty sleep during the night turned my sleep phase into a biphasic schedule. I recently (like a few weeks ago) changed my sheets because my old ones split open a giant hole. I give myself haircuts with a clipper every 6 months or so now. I get my mom to help me with the nape of my neck. Before I had let it grow to my mid-back because of apathy and depression and dislike of going to the barber. As for making progress on life, I have not really done much of that for many many years now, but recently I have decided to start trying to get into hobbies that are going to help prepare me for potential collapse of civilization, like growing my own food. Who knows if it will pan out or not, so far I have not been able to get myself to start any of the projects, but at least now I have something in mind to do. I have abandoned any notion of trying to be a wage slave anymore, it just doesn't interest me when I believe everything is going to come crashing down soon.
Yeah at this point I've pretty much given up, my time spent awake is just distraction until I'm ready to sleep again. I don't care about keeping anything in order because I'm not working towards anything.
I keep myself clean because I can't stand the stench of any sort of body odor. I also hate having a beard, so I make sure to shave it every week or so. My hair is something I like to have as short as possible. I don't want to be bald, since I have nice hair, but I don't like the hassle of it being semi-long either. I also like to keep my sheets clean, since, again, I don't like how greasy/smelly they get after about a month or so since being washed. Being that I sleep so much it's hard to ignore this, so I clean them to make sleeping all of the time more pleasant for myself. Again though, my sheets, or really my body odor, would barely register to other people as being anything other than spotless/clean, but I'm ultra sensitive to these things, so that's the main reason why I maintain the sort of hygiene/cleanliness that I do.
My sleep cycle is also not consistent and hasn't been consistent for over a decade. It basically just moves in cycles depending on when it is I wake up or go to bed, which itself can be any hour of the day or night.
I haven't changed in years and I sometimes fixate on that fact, but, at the same time, who really cares. I'm just existing like anyone else. None of it means anything. In the end, death renders everything moot.
Yeah I tick all those boxes. Had a whole wall of text typed up but whats the point? I'm going to kill myself this year, I can just feel it. There is an eerie, almost tangible, melancholy about the whole thing. Whatever
I'm dying and i've made peace with it
It's been a year since i cut contact with my coworkers from a cleaning job, as soon as i stopped working there but being alone all the time i must admit i miss some of them. I'm not a misanthropist like most of you but in the end i never got along with people since kindergarten. They were "nice" people i guess but awful at the same time, hard to explain. Insecure low wage workers who have trouble with any form of hierarchy as every boss who had to deal with them was in trouble at some point. Also lot of bad blood between most of them is another proof of that, it was undeniably kinda "toxic" there and they kinda ostracised me, i often felt confused, it was mostly due to my social ineptitude for sure. They also put me trough stupid drama because at some point i was one of the few who were happy with the new boss and didn't want to take part in their excessively lazy sheep-like behaviour. But this situation ultimately lead me to not having a job (it was a 1 year temp contract), in fact it's worse than that : the new boss wanted me to be his school handyman and to give me a stable contract, which was the coziest job i could ever dream of in my life. No coworkers, awesome working hours, independance, slow work rhythm, public sector, great environment as it was in an elementary school : the teachers and the kids were kind and put a smile on my face, they had other things to do than to judge me i guess. Also most of the work was outdoors and it was easy physical labor. It was the opportunity to have mental and financial security for the rest of my life but i threw it all away by arguing with my boss over stupid bullshit, which was nothing more than the result of the bad atmosphere, peer pressure. The funniest part is that i was still subtly shat on by my coworkers, and the new succubi boss hated my guts for some reason. They tried to stay in touch and some of them genuinely liked me but always with a grain of contempt, i can only think of one person that wasn't like this towards me, an older succubi grandma that wasn't a classical hag like the rest and guess what, she started to avoid some of them too and eat lunch alone. She also didn't care about the mutiny. So now i'm 26, jobless without much experience, 84 IQ, alone and with no contact with the outside world. I feel afraid, broken and just want this shit to end. I rarely post because my english sucks and i have nothing to say but here we go. Being influenced by normies is the worst thing that could ever happen to me, fuck me for being so stupid.
I have one and it won't slow things down at all. A bachelor's degree only improves your life if you're already a functional person to begin with. I'm curious as to how this is all collected, but I would guess some of the people with Bachelor's Degree who fail have someone to bail them out. Would especially be true with higher numbers of succubi since succubi don't tend to date down in status while men do.
>clean your sheets
>get a 20$ hairclipper
>get a bachelor's degree
Fucking wow, you people don't get it at all.
You're the one who doesn't seem to get it. I wasn't telling him to clean his sheets, just that I personally don't like to be have unclean sheets mostly because I sleep so much and leaving them dirty bothers me in this sense. I've been a recluse for over a decade, but I still hate having body odor or leaving things unclean. I'll admit that I'd probably be a slob too if this stuff didn't bother me, but it does, so I'm not.
>>216037>i clean my sheets weekly>my last hairclipper set wore out after years of use, so i recently bought a new one>i have not one but two bachelors degree>still a sack of shit with no motivation and a min wage job
These jokers mean well, but they're full of shit.
>>216045>>i have not one but two bachelors degree
congrats wiz. now it's impossible for you to die in your 30's by suicide.
Should i go for another bachelors so I'll be set for my 40s?
>i clean my sheets weekly
Nobody seems to have said that one, though.
No, but someone said changing sheets helps. I simply said I do so weekly. It helps set a routine, and it does feel comfy having a new set of sheets for the first day or two. That's about it.
Well duh, you're clearly doing it wrong. I bet you don't even iron your sheets. Thank me later.
Life is pathetic. Consciousness is uneccessary. Everything is based on 'survival', i survived last 10 years and i wish i was dead all this time. If you are not a wild animal there is no reason to be on earth, humans were a mistake, at least I was. It was a mistake to let death slip from me, but at least that mistake can be fixed, it was just delayed.
my tires got slashed overnight, I feel as deflated as those wheels are now, I hate this
I need some sort of release. I can't take everything just getting worse day after day. I feel like going crazy, like running through the streets rioting and looting and getting in fights.
I don't want to work damn it. I went to a job interview today for some clerical job and it was demoralizing. Everything they do is pick apart what you say and criticize it. "Tell me your strength and weakness anon." "How do you see yourself anon." "I don't think the strength you says you have is something you actually have anon." "You seem to be the kind of person who have trouble getting along with others anon." "We are a big company doing ultra mega stressful work, do you think you're good enough for it anon?" Hell, the fucker even ask how many friends I have. Goddamn shit fucking cunt.
In the safety of my room I thought of myself as some true wizard free from fighting in the social hierarchy but now I realizes how fucking suck it is to have everybody looks down on you and no allies. It's fucking ridiculous to think that these people are going to be my superior and co-workers and they'll continue all their passive aggressive harassment for all 40 years of my working experience.
I seethe with envy when I look at those people with skills and drive who have some natural enthusiasm for their work. A job is not simply some form of torture for them, it's a chance to prove themselves and when they did well, they feel satisfied and receive appreciation from others. Peers are not outsiders who looks at you with wariness or contempt, they're friends you have fun with. Same feeling for people who gets away with spending a large portion of their life on interesting hobbies. I even have the same feeling for first world menial laborer who can just autopilot flipping burgers or something and still have money to afford fast internet and pc. Instead what does my future hold? Probably a few years of wageslaving, followed by mental breakdown and neeting before finally killing myself. I kinda wish I had been raised to be disciplined and study diligently in school so I can be one of those high income skilled workers who does creative fulfilling work and gets treated with respect, but how did I spent my highschool years? Edging all day to fetish porn.
Laying in bed in fetus position the whole day. Being dead would be an upgrade to my current way of living.
Sometimes I have the idea of destroying the very so-called hierarchy (of complete cockroaches) we live in. To make it unstable, to misbalance it, to enrage it and make it helpless against some invisible enemy that makes it lose wealth or something… but I can't yet reach the idea needed.
search youtube for a "way of a slob" video, the guy's channel also has a video titled like "expect nothing"
Sometimes I blissfully forget that living this way isn't normal at all. It feels completely natural to me.
Very interesting form of dancing he had. Not the sort you see replicated very often, at least as far as I know, or not as well. Almost unreal-like in an odd way. Good or bad, he was certainly quite the performer.
Assuming you have the temperament of an average wizard, I don't see why you think a job where you have to speak in front of a crowd as a good idea. If it's some shitty school then you probably can get away with just winging your job since the students don't really care though you'll be at lost when dealing with problem students. If it's a good school then you'll be expected to produce result or at least do more than just sperging out academic exposition in front of the class. The fondest teacher I remember is this biology teacher who is so charismatic that I paid attention and remembered most of the stuff he taught even in the lowest rut of my teenage depression.
Thanks, and I guess you are right. My problem is that I'm very shy, socially awkward, used to (and probably still do) stutter, and I'm also quite short and young-looking. So I don't know if I could command any kind of respect or authority.
wtf does it have to do with dep thread
Sorry, I guess /dep/ has become a kind of general (or general general) for me. I'll delete the post.
If you have depression from young age you never really become a real human being. You can be intelligent, you can be insightful, you can describe emotions, but you miss out on too much of the complex inner world that comes with a wider array of emotions and mental calm. This is a deprivation that is only clear if you've lived through it and come out the other side.
I'm so fucking upset, this is my lowest point, the eye disease I been trying to treat and put me through all these medications for most of my life recently came back and I gotta go through these medications again, i'm taking this steriod drug once for my eye and it changed me into some hyper beast fucking retard, I fucking feel miserable and fucking retarded, nothing is going right, no fucking job, failing college, being a leech on my parents, brothers treating me like shit, fucking just problems after problems and more fucking problems, i'm going to curl in a ball for the rest of my days and quit everything all together. Thanks for comfy feels I get around here, wizchan was the last good thing that was going in my shit life.
You went to a job interview and didnt lie or script your answers?
been wasting time actually trying to get a job I would be okay with. A few weeks have passed, only got one response which I squandered. Parents, especially my mom, are going to start hammering me whenever I leave my room now. Its not even my own fault I'm jobless. My sleep cycle is completely fucked up and I've been eating nothing but garbage and I'm running out of money.
No, it was like my third job interview. I am so anxious and lazy that even preparing answers beforehand is too troublesome for me. I am going to start writing scripts next time now that I know better.
Having a very dark day today. Not sure if it's just paranoia, depression and general mental ill health or if in these moments I'm actually seeing life as it is. So much pain and suffering in this world.
I've thought that my death would be from suicide for a long while, and I still think that. I've never thought I would get to follow my dreams, but I want to try anyways. I hope that my death won't come into the equation if I work hard enough.
If I manage to get a good job, I'll have nothing else to strive for. Well, other than keeping that job and working towards it. It's that important to me because I've never thought I could do it.
Tomorrow I have a first psychologist/psychotherapist visit. This is gonna be great. Talking to a succubi about how I've never had friends jobs never did anything normal people do and have a dysfunctional family. It's become a hobby of mine to waste doctors' time with my endless physical and mental illnesses and symptoms and making them richer, since I'm unsuited for treatment. Swallowing a pill is the height of my life abilities. The situation is beyond hopeless and my time is running out, pretty sure my parents will die this year and then so will I.
Yeah this is quite bad. At least you've developed your sense of humor.
yeah because it's not meant to be a joke, since it's an exaggerated version of me.
And least you didn't use a Wodjak.
How narcissistic do you have to be to create memes about yourself?
When I visited my mother almost a year ago, she became very angry at my moodiness one night and yet again ended up yelling about how she was raped by her father, nothing bad had ever happened to me, the worst thing that's ever happened to me is her divorce, etc. I know I shouldn't care but it's become one of those things that I can't stop replaying in my head until I'm full of rage. It seems like everything always comes back to her personal traumas and all she can do is use them to try to make me feel bad. Before it even happened, I knew it would come up somehow. I wonder if I'm her only emotional outlet, I can't imagine her saying this stuff to anyone but me, not her actual husband or my siblings.
>It seems like everything always comes back to her personal traumas and all she can do is use them to try to make me feel bad.
My mother used to pull that sort of shit on me all the time. Hiding behind all the "horrible trauma" of her life and then proceeding to beat me over the head with it into submission, sometimes by merely screaming it to me at the top of her lungs because saying something louder obviously makes it that much more true, right? Anyway, she still does this from time to time, but it's very rare and not nearly to the same sadistic severity of many years ago. My only saving grace in the past is that she didn't discriminate with this sort of insanity and would visit it upon anyone who challenged her/upset her, like my father & brother, so at least I wasn't alone in suffering her disgustingly callous bullshit.
Feel like shit but got no fever so not corona chan just my usual weakling self
I wrote up a lengthy, weepy lamentation, but it made me pissed at myself, so to sum it up: I can't express what I feel adequately and it makes me really morose.
I wish corona-chan would shit on this economy so hard it would take years for humanity to fix it up.
Finally managed to take a shower lads
>>216346> It didn't used to bother me, but it's started
your folks poisoned the food
I haven't showered in a month
I wish they would. Some crumpled up fentanyl in my food would be best. Better still if I ate such a meal then went to bed none the wiser. That way I'd just die in my sleep utterly oblivious to the fact that this would be the very final sleep I'd ever have.
Can someone tell me what good websites are out there f9r likeminded people other than here, Sanctioned Suicide is for whores, I've never used 8chan but apparently it's on the deep web now or something, is that place any good, are there good deep web websites out there for all of this kind of shit
8chan is not deep web. It's 8kun.top now.
The website is complete shit and just a slower version of 4chan.
There aren't really places that cater to us anymore because they are all infiltrated with normalfags and such.
Just get used to thinking to yourself because that's the only constant companion you will ever have
I hope my father gets corona and can say goodbye to his mental suffering already
>make one small mistake while driving
>feel bad about it all day
>it will probably come back to me in memories and make me feel bad at random times the rest of my life like all the other mistakes I make.
please let me out of this hell demiurge
holy fuck this
i fucking hate getting random flashbacks on the embarrassing and stupid shit I did in the past, it always makes me wanna kill myself out of nowhere, fuck this life has too much problems.
just saw arisuchan was closed, didn't browsed on it that much but i remember those threads and to know they're all gone makes me sad
At least you managed to push your brain to study for the license.
I relate to what you're talking about, though the one good thing that comes from it is that I am now extremely informed on what not
to do in certain situations and how to avoid that in the future.
I'm losing it again I fucking want to torture the creator with my own filthy hands why some beings are filthy sickly and others managed to live entire lives without even embracing mental and physical I KNOD EVERYONE FUCKING SUFFERS BUT THE GRADES ARE SO INSANELY DIFF2AND HOW ECEN SOMEONE FEELS A SICKNESS CAN VARY WHILE SOME ARE LIKE IF IT WAS NOTHING OTHERS GO CRAZY FROM THEM SUFFERINGS BECAUSE HOW THEY AFFECTED BY IT MAKES THE SUFFERING GRADES TO BE FELT GREATER WHY ALL THS BULLSHIT LIKE CARACO SAMA SAIDWHAT IS THIS NATURAL ORDERWHERE A THOUSAND FAILRUES PRELUDE A THOUSAND AGONIES ALL FOR A SINGLE SUCCESS FUCKING KILL ME SHOTGUN MY BRAIN AND SMASH MY BODY THE BURN IT SO NOTHING CAN EVER RETURN
decided to start really avoiding my dad again since lately ever interaction with him turns into him trying to get me to do something for him (he is also just a grumpy snarky asshole who cant let anyone just enjoy themselves). Lately its turned to him asking me to work for him again, and he got real pissy when I didnt goto the stupid fucking office lunch (I dont even work there any more and never plan on it again)
hes just like his obese disgusting mom who my entire family hates. when hes not at work 99.9% of his waking time is just spent vegetating on the couch in front of the TV so I cant get anything from the kitchen or leave without passing him. Even now its 5am and hes still not asleep.
Hes also fat as fuck, and bitches about how hard it is too lose weight, but then he does disgusting ass bullshit like decimate an entire family XL size pack of cookies in one night whenever anyone leaves snacks in the kitchen. He also doesn't cook, and I've literally had him bitch at me for "not making food for other people((((him))))" when I try to make anything and acts like I'm being selfish or some shit? Another incident happened a few months ago when I still worked at his office. He left first and headed home. I left multiple hours later than him and stopped at Chik Fil A on my way home. He then bitched at me when I walked in the door and asked why I didn't get him any??? He's a greedy shithead who has 100x more money than me (By the way never got any paychecks from him this year either), if he wanted any why the fuck didn't he stop by somewhere on his way home or just call me? Am I supposed to call up the entire fucking house whenever I get any food for myself? He also goes to restaurants and doesn't bring shit for me home plenty of times. Like I said he just can't let other people have any happiness.
I know a lot of people in these threads have parents way shittier than this but man I have nowhere else to bitch about this as petty as it may sound.
Sick but not of Coronachan I'm afraid is just more meaningless suffering without relief of death
So fucked up. I ended up doing it flaccid.
If I'm unable to do my oxd cleaning rituals because this filthy ape society can't control or have 0 fucking empathy for others sacking every shop I gonna search and infect as many I can in this troglodyte garbage country
Not to scare you or anything but you might have PEID
Is that true? I can get it half up though.
Then the only thing that I got left to feel any relief is gone now.
That's not how it works for me. I usually find another way to fuck things up.
Excessive fapping and porn cunsumption can cause erectile dysfunction, other reasons for erectile dyfunction that often occur are meds and depression.
Why would a wizard even need an erection anyway… You can jerk off, ejaculate and have orgasms while flaccid. The only thing you really need a boner for is penetration.
Either way save your mana.
>>216499>The only thing you really need a boner for is penetration.
Yeah, penetrating the onahole, the sexdoll, or the smoked ham. Once you try silicone (or ham), a hand just doesn't hold up anymore.
>>216500>a hand just doesn't hold up anymore.
I disagree. I have 2 fleshlights and it's not that great. Plus having to clean up after is too much work and it makes sloppy squish sounds which are loud.
A realdoll sound good for me
I can relate greatly to your post. You've done a great service in taking the time and effort to write this up.
Walls of text aren't really about skills. I can type a lot of stuff about how shitty my situation is, but it gets repetitive. The reason walls of text are a big deal now is because no one wants to do them when it's easier to do a tweet or a short reddit comment. It did used to be a mark of being intelligent to be able to write a lot, but that was before the emphasis of education switched from being mostly cultural to directly related to employment. Most people who can write long walls of text aren't particularly good at that, so it's usually just being verbose.
I found recently about a learning disability where the person is good at verbal memory but sucks at any practical skills/visual spatial stuff/etc so they'll have a big vocabulary, but aren't really capable of high-level writing or anything difficult. I'm pretty sure I have at it at this point.http://www.miottawa.org/health/cmh/pdf/brains/Social%20Functioning/Articles%20and%20Readings/What%20is%20Nonverbal%20Learning%20Disorder.pdf
I feel like everything is conspiring against me. Just started to eat healthy, to have a sense of discipline and all for the first time in 26 years, lost 3 kilos lately but of course just when that happens some virus spreads because gooks are still eating bat soups, fucking unbelievable. Everything is closed be it the pool or the gym, i feel defeated and tempted to order junk food.
If the goal is to lose weight, you can just do the cardio at home. I dread going to the gym.
The reason the virus is spreading is because no one really cares about public health because it's usually not immediately profitable. You just have to live around the bats to get it. We'd rather invest in useless shit but most of these situations would be entirely preventable.
Wonder if my mother is finally snapping too talking about leaving my father here while she goes to work how in the flying hell does she expect me to control him if he wants to go out visit his hobo friends? He will do it he's stronger than I will ever be
I hate having things to get done during the day, I wish I could enjoy my free time guilt free instead of procrastinating. Looking forward to being dead, even if I haven't gotten any closer to ending my life, every day is a step closer to oblivion which I take comfort in.
Spent all night yesterday looking up pictures of some pretty succubi that were in my school from when I was a kid. It never occurred for me to do this before and I don't know why it did now. Boredom & curiosity, I guess. These particular succubi were very unlike what you'd expect from a typical succubus, as far as social media is concerned. Not a lot to look at, since most of what they have was set to private. Very reserved in that sense. Some of them looked quite different (still pretty, just different), but it's funny how a person's eyes stay the same. I feel like I hit a new low in my life though, since, after saving some of these pictures, I also began to jack off to them. 2 of the prettiest pictures of each succubus, which I opened up & positioned so they were all visible, in a sort of collage of minimized pic windows. It really didn't feel as pathetic as I thought it would. Still, I think most would regard me as perverted scum. I guess you could say I was in a horny mood and jerking off to this sort of thing just seemed like a lewd/arousing novelty. One of these succubi actually invited me over to her house once when I was in elementary school and we played video games together and she even showed me her brother's nerf gun collection. And there I was sitting there last night jacking off to her furiously nearly 20 years later. Just felt a little surreal is all. I'm sorry.
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I want my death to be quiet and rational event, I want to be surrounded by serenity. The other type of suicide.. scares me the one done on impulse.. usually done due to a sudden and crippling situation… sometimes when I'm under a lot of mental or physical pain, I feel that impulse creeping on me, the thought of it leading me to a vegetable state keeps me with some control.. but just some.. if circumstances were different I could be blind or in some other state to make the first even harder to find. I once bounce my head against the wall during such state of instability