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Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.


So tired of my parents treating me like a house servant. Its always "you CAN do this, you CAN do that" I probably wouldnt be so pissed off if they asked nicely and treated me like a human being.


I'm just so tired and nothing ever gets better.


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I feel shit everyday and it’s frustrating.


never wanted to be normal
just human, but that's never enough,
suffering is subjective
these normalshits don't feel sorry for us
they would rather us die like defected children but we are even more detrimental than a fruitless burden
since we are acute we hold conviction,
the deprivations are all that motivate us to improve
they don't care about our perspective or objectivity because of favoritism,
if silent damned, if spoken condemned,
weakness is averted by herd mentality,
love is evil,
life is war and we are at war against war,
everything is is just tunnel vision to the grave
,life is unfair so we die randomly
choices and options are limited by the past


Well today my (online classes) started again and again I just sat there in front of my PC during a calculus class while understanding pretty much nothing as always,sometimes I wonder why I chose a fucking career in IT if I'm a fucking retard when it comes to math,but then I remember,I only go to university to avoid work and to keep my parents off my ass for some time,I know I'm destined for some shitty job at walmart or similar (I wonder how many people with degrees work as cashiers at walmart,maybe I'll be the first one if I manage to pass this shit lol) I don't really care though,I've always lived without a lot of material cravings,as long as I have a roof,a videogame console and games I'm set for life.

But still it makes me kinda sad that this shitty world expects you to do lots of shit and know lots and lots of garbage in order to survive decently,this is way too fucked up.


Meritocracy is a lie, its serfdom unless you're getting paid for others work, you're forced to never settle and dependent on your boss.


I took chemistry in high school I enjoyed the subject


Good for you, I dropped out of HS because my teacher was a bully (succubi) picked on me especially because I seemed weak, that was when sign of my mental illness started emerging, made an example out of me and my suffering was subjective, just ghosted everyone only disgracefully not even resentful, Im not ashamed either , education system is filled with bias and favoritism , 1upmanship and teamwork, im an introvert and not good at networking as a cog.


A boss must work aswell its myopic to see not.


Yea, its better to work for yourself, firing people who are a netloss because of interests is only logical.


Living around noisy people invokes a murderous rage inside of me. I can't even fall asleep because my parents are constantly walking up and down stairs, stomping on the floor above, talking really loud, constantly making sounds that are unneccessarily loud and disturbing for no good reason whatsoever. They are interrupting me from sleeping with their goddamn bug-like behavior, and it's bringing my rage up to dangerous and unhealthy levels. All I long for is peace, not having to be disturbed by noisy, abdominable humans that constantly have to make sounds that are unneccessarily loud and disturbing to be people that are around. WOW, what a fuckload to ask for, right? Why does it have to be so difficult to just get away from all of this fucking goddamn noise, to just get a place out in the woods where you can live or something? Can someone please just breed a super-bacteria or virus and eradicate this fucking goddamn abdomination of a species already?


I understand you.


Just try to get a job where you work alone and don't have to be around others, that's all I can say. Whether it's a shitty job like janitorial work or staring at surveillance cameras, those are probably some of the better options out there since you get to work alone. Always be alone.


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All that I wanted were things I had before
All that I needed, I never needed more
All of my questions are answers to my sins
All of my endings are waiting to begin


Nice pic, wizzie.


For the last few months I have developed an evergrowing hatred and contempt about other people and life itself which I never knew I was capable of. Never before have I experienced anger in such intensity that I just want to snap and destroy something or hit my head against the wall. I feel like all my life I have always been the guy who put up with the bullshit of others, never saying any word against them and not showing any sign of disapproval while also thinking that others are better than me in every way possible and hating myself. Now this self loathing has stopped and turned into loathing the world around me. I don't know how to deal with this new sense of anger. If somehow I could channel it to make something creative that would be good. But I feel there is nothing productive in this feeling. It's a rather destructive energy but knowing how stupid it would be to act on it and how much worse it would make my life I can't express my anger. And I am not the type of guy who goes on a rampage. Maybe if this feeling will grow over time I will do something really stupid I'm afraid. Maybe I should start writing a diary to make sense of this whole new attitude which comes as a surprise as my in my past hatred used to be a foreign word for me.


>abdominable humans


You need to get a clear picture of the world. It would be a sad and horrible picture, but there comes the understanding that doing anything about it (including violence) is futile.
Read Ligotti's TCATR


I can feel it
Calling in the air tonight
I been waiting for this moment
And for my waif


Yeah and be harrassed by a manager who's bored and only job is to make your life hell?
Show me a clear example of someone in one of these comfy jobs
Just one example


I have already read that. You know what? It makes no difference. Everything is futile. If I live an ascetic responsible life or kill myself or do a killing spree is the same thing. No rational perspective makes this hatred go away otherwise it would be no real hatred.


Go for a walk.


> If I live an ascetic responsible life or kill myself or do a killing spree is the same thing

Suicide futile?


I'm genuinely considering wandering around Europe for the foreseeable future spending as little money as possible, sleeping outdoors if necessary. Something needs to change. Has anyone ever done this?


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Any thoughts on this, wizards? This is from the guy who did that "Way of the Slob" video. He trained as a physicist and retired young after he sold his IT company. I read his book "Corporeal Fantasy." Very good, lots of food for thought.
>Life – A Dull Affair

The basic dynamics of life are very easy to understand. It is a self optimizing machine that churns out species that are stronger, more deceitful, and those best suited to a particular environment. That’s it. The implications that follow are also easy to understand. The strong devour and/or exploit the weak. The skillful liar will deceive and take from the honest individual. Changing environmental circumstances will determine which species thrive over other species. Life is a dull topic. There is no need to keep repeating how heartless, barbaric, cruel, and seemingly futile the whole of life seems to be. But people do keep harping on about it – sometimes dispassionately, but usually with a sense of outrage.

There is of course something very personal about acknowledging the dullness of life as a survival and reproduction machine. It simultaneously means recognizing that the basic dynamics of our own lives are dull. However, we tend to take such a realization very personally. We want our lives to have meaning, to be headed somewhere, and we find it an affront to our own sense of importance to include ourselves in the estimation that the processes of life are a dull affair.

So here is a metric that can be used to measure the degree to which we have moved on beyond considerations of our own survival – something that usually interests us a great deal. If you are still complaining about the brutality, futility and vanity of life, it’s because your ego cannot accept the brutality, futility, and vanity of your own life. And let’s be clear, when we use the term life we are talking about the great survival and reproduction machine.
But there is a kind of magic that can be worked here. The more we understand the dynamics of life and can come to fully accept them (which is quite difficult), so we find ourselves freed from our own personal part in it. The brutality, futility and vanity become less interesting. Watching life, and one’s own life, is like watching a predictable, tedious, awful machine at work.

We only become free when we become free of ourselves, and since we are a part of life, so it means becoming free of the life within us – in other words transcending the personal. There are much, much more interesting things to consider than the dull process of brith, procreation, and death. How about trying to understand the nature of the reality we inhabit? It’s much more interesting than the dull processes of life. How about trying to understand yourself? If you dare.


Then become a drunk = shut down your brain.
>No rational perspective makes this hatred go away
So how the fuck writing a diary would?

>sleeping outdoors if necessary
Enjoy catchin a cold every week.

He's an ok dude, has good thoughts, though i noticed some contradictions between videos, cant remember exactly, binge-watched him long time ago. The main contradiction would be that he has a goddamn wife.
Or maybe it's not actual contradictions but him being to fucking poetic in words, and sometimes that doesn't work well in philosophy.

>There are much, much more interesting things to consider

>How about trying to understand yourself?
Looks like classic "ending on a positive note" mocked by Ligotti.


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every day, every hour
wish that i was


there's gotta be a better way


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nothing makes sense. i just want out of here. please let me out. i cant stand it. i dont belong here. i want out of here. i want out of this. i want out. i dont belong here. i dont want to be here. i want to go to a nice place. i dont want to be like this. i didnt ask to be like this.im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. im sorry. i dont know how to exist. i dont know how to live. i dont know what im supposed to do. i just know this isnt right. it wasnt supposed to be like this. i want to be with everyone else. i want someone to nice to me, honestly nice. why. i dont like being ugly, physically and as an existence. wits all so maddening i can only curl up, cry and pull my hair and beg to the heavens someone will let me out. ive been listening to only two bands for a week now, gybe and set fire to flames. today i spent 30+ minutes listening to the same song while staring at one image. i dont know how long it has been since ive last seen a ray of sunlight. i dont remember the last time i tried to communicate with anyone in the physical world. if interactions like saying yes count then some years ago. if having a conversation more meaningful than exchanging a greeting, probably not since i was a kid. i dont remember the last time i had a real meal. i forgot how to sleep, there are weeks when i sleep for 16+ hours and stay awake for up to twice as long, there are weeks when i sleep and stay awake for 3 hours each. ive done drugs they call medicine thinking this would help, looking back its like a lamb walking into a slaughter house. i dont know, i dont know, i dont know anything. i dont understand anything. nothing makes sense. i wish i knew and understood. im sorry for being like this. there isnt anything i can do to, i dont even know what i should do something to, just that i didnt want to be like this. i want my skin to burn, i want to be flayed.i believe in niceness, i believe it can be found in people. i love people. i think i can understand them. i hate myself because im not like them. i just wish i could have fun with everyone else. i wish i could tell someone how much i love them and not be laughed at. i think what matters is on the inside. looks are only an accessory, in vr people can take any shape they want and i suppose eventually theyll be able to modify everything about their physical bodies. im disgusting and even if i could augment myself id still be the creation of something disgusting which might be even worse. i wish i could help them, people, who i love. nobody deserves any of this. its all so ugly, i cant stand it. i cant stand looking at myself in a mirror, i cant stand looking at other people, i cant stand hearing my or their voices. i know there s a better place. i dont want to be like everyone else. i think if im left alone, i dont know, maybe i wont see the point in having fun, i will think fun is just slavery and weakness. i dont know. i dont know anything. i think i understand people that torture and kill, theyre not doing anything wrong in their eyes and theres nothing they can do about the stupidity of everyone else but i wish they would not. no, i dont know if i care. why am i like this. why didnt i turn out like a normal wageslave or a happy weeb., i dont even know what thee words mean anymore. im sorry for being offensive. im sorry for leaving a mark of my existence in your brain. a footprint. i. theres no salvation. you'realone. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to think. why? im so pathetic and cringy. i feel physical pain almost all the time. my body always itches. i cnt brethe, im almost alwways sneezing and coughing, i often wake myself from my nightmares because i break the windows kicking them, i wake up with cuts on my feet and legs. it hurts to sit, to lay on my bed. it hurts to touch anything. i have scars all over my body, i dont even cut myself. people who cut themselves deserve to be loved. its just my skin is too weak and i bleed from the weakest scratch, ive gotten bruises on my thumbs from trying to open water bottles. i didnt know for most of my life this isnt normal. i feel physicl pains in my chest, like there are needles piercing my heart, that theres something squeezing it, i feel something like popcornj in my head, i think theyre mini strokes. because i make a lot of mistakes, like when im typing something and i skip a letter or some punctuation mark. i feel very hot and very cold sometimes, it varies through the day. im allergic to just about anything, there isnt anything that will not make me sneeze or itch. its surreal. its a vision of hell. i dont want this. i hate this. i ant do anything. every time i think of doing something, memories of failure nd frustrtion re brought back. every circuit ends in the idea that this is wrong, that i shouldnt do it because x y z and x y and z are unnaceptable.it might not be innacurate to say ive been taught anything i can or might do is wrong. what else can i do but hug my knees, pull my hair and cry. how do people live, how are they happy, how do they enjoy anything, how do they have emotions. i hope you will all be together forever. i hope you`ll always be happy. its like watching a happy married couple. thats what you all are. its not an insult.im very happy for all of you. im afraid of thinking for myself. im afraid i will end up something i dont want to be right now. im glad for having this brain, i can imagine things most people can only dream of imagining. i feel bad for you because even if im only a jobless norm or whatever i could have made nice contributions that people supposedly appreciate in science or art. but if i start thinking for myself there wont be a use for things like beauty and love anymore, id lose everything i have for a relief of pain. and the other me doesnt think there is something like pain, its all an illusion that should be endured or something to that effect. i want to go away. i want to be invisible. and live in an invisible world of my own. completely separate from everything else. i would never be hated. i could do what i think is right.if i were god i would do something like make creatures and love them. they would only know niceness. i dont know how would that turn out. i dont know anything, im just too crazy and the reality i was born in is too ugly to just man up. i cant imagine what its like not to be like this for too long. whats it like to see everything turn out as expected, for better or worse, so you can have goals and work towards them. youre not humans or at least not animals, you dream and dreaming for you is reality. i can only experience my dreams in my mind. i dont want this, im sorry, i dont want this, i hate this, i hate myself, i hate my ugly existence. i hate my shit genes, my retarded parents and all the people ive been physically surrounded by, this concrete hell, the smoke, my education (the lac of). i dont know if i have ever wanted friends. i think i was just trying to interact with other people for the sake of interaction, like having friends is a trend, like something everyone has and you have to have them too. im just retarded. i can only close my eyes and shake my head to reality. sometimes i dont know when im having sleeping dreams and when im awake, there was one time i woke up for real and i thought i was still dreaming, it took me a while to realize i was awake, like hours, and another i was dreaming in my sleep and i thought i was still awake. i dont know. i dont know anything. i really love you but ill have to go. i wish i could stay with you, i wish i could touch you and be touched by you, not physically.


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at least i wasnt born in a torture chamber. i guess in the far future people will create living beings in virtual simulation worlds that can feel more pain than anyone can imagine right now, more than every person combined, and then torture them for eternities just for fun. people do it with animals and humans right now, torture. it's not a far stretch to think it will be done in such manner if you assume simulations are possible. and if they can last so long, any existence is statistically more likely to be born a part of this thing than a simple human like me. i just wish i could be nice to people and there were people who could reciprocate. im dirty, ugly. im poor, uneducated, my grandmother who died of lung cancer was healthier than me in her last months of life than i have been for most of mine. im the product of a dysfunctional family of drunk junkies and petty criminals. im paranoid, afraid of everyone. i cant take anything at face value. people dont tell hello and good morning to each other, they dont need that. theyre all coded messages, LSB and most people will think im a schizo and that these three letters dont mean anything, although i guess im a schizo, or irony and inside jokes, if not outright bots or just corporate advertisement and government propaganda. i cant imagine how peoples relationships are with their normal families or parents. in vns and anime parents are often not even mentioned. sometimes i imagine having a normal family as a kid and i like to thank my parents for making me. i dont know how to make this stop. i think distrusting people might have negatively affected my ability to use 2d succubi as escapism, i keep involuntarily reminding myself that theyre made by the same people im afraid of and the people im afraid of do wrong things to their image. im tired of being beat up. i think ill be alone now. ive tried to look for something and find it but i couldnt. get there. its right in front of my nose, i think, but its like i dont have certain basic qualifications that werent even qualifications until now because everyone that passed the main test had them. it sucks but im afraid ill just have to face reality and become a smiling salaryman. what? i mean that there isnt anything good. the only way to avoid all this pain is to give up on these childish ideas. of hugging, telling and being told nice things. heaven. a place of rest. i dont know what it is. and accept the horror of it all. nobody cares. im just a cringy retard and there isnt anything good about me. theres no reason not to hurt. i will never hurt anyone but ill start placing my own well being above that of others and stop thinking were all in this together. or so i say but i dont know if ill be able to go through it. i like you all too much and i just want to be with you. theres no salvation. youre alone. i dont know how else to say it. there arent the right words but if i knew them youd have read them hundreds of times by now.its not what things are supposed to be but im very tired. i feel like a goblin or whatever disgusting creature people cant look at and feel any sympathy for living under a bridge and its always raining hell outside. i hear laughter every now and then and i want to go where people are but i cant move. im not educated but i guess ive read a translated version of the stray dog and some of the lines hit close to home. there are other pieces of fiction but i would be ruining their image if i said something like its this story. funny, i think almost nothing of the image of a persian story. i think ive run out of things i wanted to say. if im posting this im imagining people vomiting or feeling like puking just by glancing at some of the words. i dont expect sympathy or even laughter, only disgust. let me out of here. i just want out. i really dont know anything. its like my mind is changing every moment. like what im feeling right now, there wont be a trace of it left in the next second. im retarded, retarded, stupid, pathetic, low IQ, monstrosity, animal, beast. Subhuman, subhuman, subhuman, subhuman, subhuman. I didnt choose to be likethis. I dont even think I want another chance at life, to experience first hand, first person, from much closer the dream world that is the modern human life. I think it would be more than enough if my existence was just erased from history. Like if the first particles after the big bang were rearranged so I could never have been born and everything else would be the same. I hope you'll all have nice lives. You deserve niceness, warmth, tenderness. I hope you'll all get some rest from all of this some day. I wanted to stay with you and be by your side but I'm retarded, I don`t know anything, I don`t understand anything and nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense and I want out of here. I don`t belong here. I didn`t do this. I don`t know what else to say. Just stay well I guess and bye I think. I`m glad I met you.


I should've killed myself 22 years ago when I thought about it, nothing has become better, only worse


Is it weird that this doesn't seem weird to me? This is what life can do to a man.


Try SSRI. The way you write makes me think this might be what you are looking for.



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I am falling
I am fading
I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting
I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe


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I just want to hug you wizbro, you sound and type just like me when I go into a insane state and no one ever understands or cares, I hope you feel better soon.


based image


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It's in the hands of God. I can only do so much. I don't really want anything from this world. I never did. Whether I live or die. Whether tomorrow I will laugh or cry. I can only do so much.


Serious anhedonia, it could be worse, I bet everyone has abandoned all hope of you being a normalfaggot, at least don't be mad at yourself for giving up, normies think we can just bite the bullet pull ourselves up by our bootstraps but there's a blindspot to this self improvement thing overcoming past trauma and mental illness they can't relate completely and think were just lazy dep fools and can't for the life of them prevent theirv own suffering so how can they save you all they can do is serve self righteous patronage, you are alone when you know who you are, so its pointless all you can do is be brave , anon.


>failed all my classes

gg no re


Light is sweet, and it is pleasant for the eyes to see the sun.


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I have a life and yet the opportunity to be satisfied and in good terms with myself seems to have been lost way before I was born. In other words, it never existed. Without someone to take care of me as a kid or to teach me anything. I could only depend on the education system where teachers only payed attention to the better students. I was always the last in my class and failed at everything. Confined in my room alone because I lived in a neighborhood where everyone was mean and ugly because of poverty, I didn't make any friends with the other kids. And in that school where every other guy had a better life than me, somehow I managed to make some few friends but even then I knew that they’ll be gone when high school was over, because I didn’t grow up in a good family like them, or had the money they had.

Interests? How could I have any if I was completely alone and without any guidance.

Video games were but a way to pass time while hoping for something to change, a miracle to happen, something that could bring some motivation to start doing something better than being on the computer after school, as I saw it all as pointless, as I was lost from the start.

I knew I lost and was lost, and the biggest problem is that you don’t die when you lose in life, at least not physically, it’s not like a video game.
Wish it was like a video game because the older I get the more the truth about my life becomes clear. Like now, I know there’s nothing now, and when I thought I’d get that thing that would bring meaning to my life, it quickly vanished.
Again, why do I exist at this point? I don’t know. All this free time. Why would I wanna improve at anything? Why should I continue with my life if I’m this damaged and bored with everything?
Somehow, I still cling to life, because of fear, and maybe pride. I shouldn’t be killing myself, but I will live without hope, and bearing this pain, and enduring the loneliness and boredom. I’m doing my best but it will never be enough, I needed something as a kid, and it wasn’t given to me, and that thing was something irreplaceable.


That is one reason I enjoy summer. I also like that its about 15-20c above instead of -15 or so below 0. No ice or snow.

I get why other wizzies prefer winter. Summer is slightly more comfy for me. Probably because I live in Canada


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new leaf starting ahead, i'm ready for hell.


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My father has a malignant brain tumor and is dying. He can't move anymore, he can't even open his eyes, eat or drink, all his senses are almost off, he's finished, but one can note that he's in pain (he firmly grabs my hand and doesn't let it go while all his body is twitching), that's the only thing he can feel right now and that maintains him alive and connected to the world, acute deep pain. He's responsible of me being here, subjected to the horrors of life and disarmed and castrated to face it, but at the same time I pity this old man. In this third world country, some peasants mindlessly put him on existence, condemning him to a life of slavery. Perhaps due to the dumb ideologies that pester this shithole he irresponsible ended having kids and in the process he sank in debt and mutilated his sons. One never stop being surprised at the great amount of bullshit the slaves use to justify their misery and that can even go as far as saying that this is the beautiful plan of God working and that he loves us. Now it's all over, his supposed hard work will just end into eternal oblivion, the dark abyss will engulf him forever. This society is a cult of death, the vast majority of us lives in misery, we are squeezed and then discarded into the trash and that's all.


You might want to check out if that stuff can be inherited in any way. Uncle of mine died in ms, the last 3 years of his life was spent in a hospital bed looking like a skeleton dressed in skin, unable to move on his own, I couldn't help but wonder why he didn't kill himself while he still was able to but I guess it must've come crawling over him real slow so he didn't notice when it was too late. Got really bad for a while, then a little better, then bad again, then better, but every time a step down.


For a person described in your post you seem too fucking smart and poetic.


>He's responsible of me being here, subjected to the horrors of life and disarmed and castrated to face it, but at the same time I pity this old man.
I think of this every time someone complains about no parents.


This is pretty common with people who spend a lot of time online. It's easy to absorb vocabulary and other writing styles from reading, but it doesn't translate into practical ability as you can't absorb it in a similar fashion. You have to have fairly good executive function, working memory, and visual processing speed to do useful stuff. Most people IRL think I'm a dumbass unless I can show off my trivia knowledge, but then they also see I fail at anything remotely useful. People with redundant vocabularies who seem articulate are a dime a dozen.


Life with its hourly, daily, weekly, yearly, little, greater, and great misfortunes, with its deluded hopes and its accidents destroying all our calculations, bears so distinctly the impression of something with which we must become disgusted, that it is hard to conceive how one has been able to mistake this and allow oneself to be persuaded that life is there in order to be thankfully enjoyed, and that man exists in order to be happy.


Ok, seems fair.


Well that's mainly a product of our modern day commercial society. Most people before that died faster and thought they were getting some sort of payoff in the afterlife. It's a lot easier to live with that than to expect happiness in this life.


Well the covid scare was great while it lasted, I could walk about streets completely free of people and ride the trains and buses for free and pick the best seats.

Now summer is fully here and people are out in droves because lockdown or not, they're gonna get their tan. Cunts the lot of them.


Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a succubus's man, no time to talk
Music loud and succubi warm, I've been kicked around
Since I was born


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That’s good.


Seems peculiar to write about how much you enjoyed going outside and in the very next sentence accuse everyone else who does it of being a vapid cunt.


He enjoyed going outside because he was alone. They're doing it as a social activity because of summer. Big difference.


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Looks like a*azon is the only place near me that might hire a worthless old skilless low iq unemployed sperg like me.
I'm forced out of NEETdom because of a dying parent and an unemployed parent. I barely know how to function as an average adult. 30 years of mostly shit memories and misery. I don't know where to vent sorry. Are any of you to the point where you can't even sleep? I wake up in panic every 30 minutes


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My diary… I couldn't have prevented anything for I am a loser with no cure to its loserdom.
Directionless is all I will always feel. The truth always at the back of my mind, I need to get rid of it, I need to avoid thinking in that, it doesn't let me concentrate. I need to grow stronger, somehow. I need that thing, resilience they call it, but it's all so meaningless. There is no love.


I'm going to try to solve the shit that is my life one last time. If after midnight I failed once again, I'll kill myself.


Go for a walk.


Around one hour to go, nightwalker


What a pretty butterfly.


I wish I had a father like Piccolo.


Nobody knows shit about anything, but they walk around straight and pride, idiotic flamingos.


This realization really changed me, because I never really felt like I was genuinely good at anything because there was always so much I didn't know. Then I realized most people who are good at something don't actually know as much as they pretend to, and that fact is like a perpetual thorn on their egos. Most of society is just about pretending at everything, it's pretty much a play. I don't know how people can get away with that. People actually build their entire identities around things that they know very little about. It just seems insane to me.


>Nobody has a clue what they're doing. They're just doing.

It's called adulthood. When people tell you to grow up this is what they expect from you.


I wish you well, wizzie.


I'd like to have my memory wiped. It's just decades of unpleasant memories and I don't remember to good parts.


Should be called retardation.


Life is that way.


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i really want to die.


Can't cope with being held in this flesh prison against my will. If my mother thinks longlife emotional turnoil is just reduced to a remnant of teenagehood while ignoring my actual problems, it just makes me wonder why shouldn't i slit her throat at night


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Such a funny feeling - googling cremation services in your town.


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I could have saved you… Why didn't you try to be more honest. Why didn't you show that you cared? Why did you say those things…
And why was I so foolish? It was obvious that it was real, everything we felt was real. You're a person just like me, our heart were beating in unison. So why didn't I try to fix things between us and get us both on the correct path? Why did I leave you like that? Why was I so foolish? Why wasn't I more intelligent and kindhearted. What was I lacking at the time?
You were lying when you said those mean things. Now it's all clear. You were just angry. Now I understand. Dammit. I was too immature and angry at your attitude. That's why I feel that I've failed you. That's why I cried.
I'm sorry, wiz. I was too afraid of loving you and that's why I couldn't save you. It's because I'm a coward and now it's too late. You cannot erase your past, and what you have turned into is something that I hate to see. It pains me what life has made out of you, but it's not your fault. I know it's not. Your emotions made you hurt yourself and now you will keep going for more.

I am sorry my friend. I should have loved you.


I'm fucking trapped, man. I keep trying and trying to improve my life but I keep failing and failing every time. There is no progress, no "little bit closer". Just an eternal reminder of the grave that was dug for me when I was born and gets deeper with every passing day. Yet I can't bring myself to just give up entirely. Maybe it's just stupid pride but If I feel like if I give up then I'll truly be dead. But there's just no way to break this cycle, I just lack that fire within myself to truly create change by sheer will alone and there is no support there when I inevitably fuck up. Everything that happens now is on me, and that's terrifying. I don't care what happens, good or bad, I just want out of this fucking cycle.
I should never try to express myself, I always come off as such a fucking idiot which I guess I am. I'm an idiot for feeling anything and i'll never be as 1/10th as profound as I think I am in my own head. I should just give up and die for being such a coward and a pseud.


Same. I just wish it was easier to die.


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LDAR boyo, it's over.


I'm defeated. Tomorrow I will call at a psychiatrist. Just write this here so it might come true. I said this to myself for a year now and something was holding me back. Don't know if fear or pride. But what does it help to wait? My life consists of waiting for death. And thanks to statistics it will take close to 5 more decades till that happens. Can't wait this long. But can't suicide neither to cut the waiting time. I read some medication increase the suicidal rate. At least that's one thing to hope for.


Good luck. Have strength.



I've considered doing the same thing for a little while now. In my case, I always just dismiss the possibility of ever doing it, mostly for it being pointless and a waste of time, since there's nothing another person could do to actually help me with my life, unless they were willing to become my personal life coach and not just be some random person I uselessly bitch and moan to about my problems every once in a while. Medication is just about the only tool in their toolbox, but I'd be too cautious of the side effects, like weight gain or other random crap taking them might cause, beyond increasing suicidal thoughts. I don't mind suicidal thoughts, since I have suicidal thoughts every single day anyway. I'd also have to depend on one of my parents driving me to the meetings (who are both quite old and tired at this point), since I'm too anxious to leave the house by myself, which makes the possibility of it ever happening even slimmer.


It is just an act, its the duality of social interaction, I think its called inter subjectivity, being forced to suffer others with different ideals and lives, its unfair some are better than others and were forced to specialize so no one can know their own fate or everything , its why we created an all knowing all good creator to judge us.

Its mostly a pretentious game, thinking philosophically about things is considered a waste by most people , most great people are alone you are born to do it or not.


I've been having an odd batch of insomnia. I've been getting less and less sleep every night. Last night I didn't sleep at all.


>thanks to statistics it will take close to 5 more decades till that happens
Don't remind me. I can't get myself to do anything, including killing myself. I guess I'll just have to rot and suffer for decades and hope I'm struck by lightning someday.


think im starting to develop schizophrenia, not sure but aside from my depression symptoms i'm starting to hallucinate every so often and i'm starting to get more paranoid about shit others dont worry about


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wow the evil of others is almost getting me depressed. Time to dodge those sad bullets.


You cannot dodge the bullets that come from within


Is there a word for this or has it been studied by anthropologists?
Or are they faking also?
Is it fakes all the way down?


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Can relate to that, i have the same thoughts sometimes. I'm not much of a religious person but lately i've been doing the sign of the cross just to calm them, it's pathetic but that's the only cure i found for when the frustration gets too strong. I don't want to be hateful or ressentful, only be at peace with myself just like when i was younger but it's hard when surrounded by people, being exposed to them makes life so much worse and it seems that we either become one of them or we snap.


no one gives a shit about me. no one sees me. i want people to see me.


That's what I'm doing. You have to avoid thinking, thats why I do things, anything but that.

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