So tired of my parents treating me like a house servant. Its always "you CAN do this, you CAN do that" I probably wouldnt be so pissed off if they asked nicely and treated me like a human being.
I'm just so tired and nothing ever gets better.
never wanted to be normal
just human, but that's never enough,
suffering is subjective
these normalshits don't feel sorry for us
they would rather us die like defected children but we are even more detrimental than a fruitless burden
since we are acute we hold conviction,
the deprivations are all that motivate us to improve
they don't care about our perspective or objectivity because of favoritism,
if silent damned, if spoken condemned,
weakness is averted by herd mentality,
love is evil,
life is war and we are at war against war,
everything is is just tunnel vision to the grave
,life is unfair so we die randomly
choices and options are limited by the past
Well today my (online classes) started again and again I just sat there in front of my PC during a calculus class while understanding pretty much nothing as always,sometimes I wonder why I chose a fucking career in IT if I'm a fucking retard when it comes to math,but then I remember,I only go to university to avoid work and to keep my parents off my ass for some time,I know I'm destined for some shitty job at walmart or similar (I wonder how many people with degrees work as cashiers at walmart,maybe I'll be the first one if I manage to pass this shit lol) I don't really care though,I've always lived without a lot of material cravings,as long as I have a roof,a videogame console and games I'm set for life.
But still it makes me kinda sad that this shitty world expects you to do lots of shit and know lots and lots of garbage in order to survive decently,this is way too fucked up.
Meritocracy is a lie, its serfdom unless you're getting paid for others work, you're forced to never settle and dependent on your boss.
I took chemistry in high school I enjoyed the subject
Good for you, I dropped out of HS because my teacher was a bully (succubi) picked on me especially because I seemed weak, that was when sign of my mental illness started emerging, made an example out of me and my suffering was subjective, just ghosted everyone only disgracefully not even resentful, Im not ashamed either , education system is filled with bias and favoritism , 1upmanship and teamwork, im an introvert and not good at networking as a cog.
A boss must work aswell its myopic to see not.
Yea, its better to work for yourself, firing people who are a netloss because of interests is only logical.
Living around noisy people invokes a murderous rage inside of me. I can't even fall asleep because my parents are constantly walking up and down stairs, stomping on the floor above, talking really loud, constantly making sounds that are unneccessarily loud and disturbing for no good reason whatsoever. They are interrupting me from sleeping with their goddamn bug-like behavior, and it's bringing my rage up to dangerous and unhealthy levels. All I long for is peace, not having to be disturbed by noisy, abdominable humans that constantly have to make sounds that are unneccessarily loud and disturbing to be people that are around. WOW, what a fuckload to ask for, right? Why does it have to be so difficult to just get away from all of this fucking goddamn noise, to just get a place out in the woods where you can live or something? Can someone please just breed a super-bacteria or virus and eradicate this fucking goddamn abdomination of a species already?
I understand you.
Just try to get a job where you work alone and don't have to be around others, that's all I can say. Whether it's a shitty job like janitorial work or staring at surveillance cameras, those are probably some of the better options out there since you get to work alone. Always be alone.
Nice pic, wizzie.
For the last few months I have developed an evergrowing hatred and contempt about other people and life itself which I never knew I was capable of. Never before have I experienced anger in such intensity that I just want to snap and destroy something or hit my head against the wall. I feel like all my life I have always been the guy who put up with the bullshit of others, never saying any word against them and not showing any sign of disapproval while also thinking that others are better than me in every way possible and hating myself. Now this self loathing has stopped and turned into loathing the world around me. I don't know how to deal with this new sense of anger. If somehow I could channel it to make something creative that would be good. But I feel there is nothing productive in this feeling. It's a rather destructive energy but knowing how stupid it would be to act on it and how much worse it would make my life I can't express my anger. And I am not the type of guy who goes on a rampage. Maybe if this feeling will grow over time I will do something really stupid I'm afraid. Maybe I should start writing a diary to make sense of this whole new attitude which comes as a surprise as my in my past hatred used to be a foreign word for me.
You need to get a clear picture of the world. It would be a sad and horrible picture, but there comes the understanding that doing anything about it (including violence) is futile.Read Ligotti's TCATR
I can feel it
Calling in the air tonight
I been waiting for this moment
And for my waif
Yeah and be harrassed by a manager who's bored and only job is to make your life hell?
Show me a clear example of someone in one of these comfy jobs
Just one example
I have already read that. You know what? It makes no difference. Everything is futile. If I live an ascetic responsible life or kill myself or do a killing spree is the same thing. No rational perspective makes this hatred go away otherwise it would be no real hatred.
>>220774> If I live an ascetic responsible life or kill myself or do a killing spree is the same thing
I'm genuinely considering wandering around Europe for the foreseeable future spending as little money as possible, sleeping outdoors if necessary. Something needs to change. Has anyone ever done this?
Any thoughts on this, wizards? This is from the guy who did that "Way of the Slob" video. He trained as a physicist and retired young after he sold his IT company. I read his book "Corporeal Fantasy." Very good, lots of food for thought.>Life – A Dull Affair
The basic dynamics of life are very easy to understand. It is a self optimizing machine that churns out species that are stronger, more deceitful, and those best suited to a particular environment. That’s it. The implications that follow are also easy to understand. The strong devour and/or exploit the weak. The skillful liar will deceive and take from the honest individual. Changing environmental circumstances will determine which species thrive over other species. Life is a dull topic. There is no need to keep repeating how heartless, barbaric, cruel, and seemingly futile the whole of life seems to be. But people do keep harping on about it – sometimes dispassionately, but usually with a sense of outrage.
There is of course something very personal about acknowledging the dullness of life as a survival and reproduction machine. It simultaneously means recognizing that the basic dynamics of our own lives are dull. However, we tend to take such a realization very personally. We want our lives to have meaning, to be headed somewhere, and we find it an affront to our own sense of importance to include ourselves in the estimation that the processes of life are a dull affair.
So here is a metric that can be used to measure the degree to which we have moved on beyond considerations of our own survival – something that usually interests us a great deal. If you are still complaining about the brutality, futility and vanity of life, it’s because your ego cannot accept the brutality, futility, and vanity of your own life. And let’s be clear, when we use the term life we are talking about the great survival and reproduction machine.
But there is a kind of magic that can be worked here. The more we understand the dynamics of life and can come to fully accept them (which is quite difficult), so we find ourselves freed from our own personal part in it. The brutality, futility and vanity become less interesting. Watching life, and one’s own life, is like watching a predictable, tedious, awful machine at work.
We only become free when we become free of ourselves, and since we are a part of life, so it means becoming free of the life within us – in other words transcending the personal. There are much, much more interesting things to consider than the dull process of brith, procreation, and death. How about trying to understand the nature of the reality we inhabit? It’s much more interesting than the dull processes of life. How about trying to understand yourself? If you dare. https://martinbutler.eu/life-a-dull-affair/
Then become a drunk = shut down your brain.>No rational perspective makes this hatred go away
So how the fuck writing a diary would?>>220779>sleeping outdoors if necessary
Enjoy catchin a cold every week.>>220780
He's an ok dude, has good thoughts, though i noticed some contradictions between videos, cant remember exactly, binge-watched him long time ago. The main contradiction would be that he has a goddamn wife.
Or maybe it's not actual contradictions but him being to fucking poetic in words, and sometimes that doesn't work well in philosophy.
>There are much, much more interesting things to consider >How about trying to understand yourself?
Looks like classic "ending on a positive note" mocked by Ligotti.
there's gotta be a better way
nothing makes sense. i just want out of here. please let me out. i cant stand it. i dont belong here. i want out of here. i want out of this. i want out. i dont belong here. i dont want to be here. i want to go to a nice place. i dont want to be like this. i didnt ask to be like this.im sorry, im sorry, im sorry. im sorry. i dont know how to exist. i dont know how to live. i dont know what im supposed to do. i just know this isnt right. it wasnt supposed to be like this. i want to be with everyone else. i want someone to nice to me, honestly nice. why. i dont like being ugly, physically and as an existence. wits all so maddening i can only curl up, cry and pull my hair and beg to the heavens someone will let me out. ive been listening to only two bands for a week now, gybe and set fire to flames. today i spent 30+ minutes listening to the same song while staring at one image. i dont know how long it has been since ive last seen a ray of sunlight. i dont remember the last time i tried to communicate with anyone in the physical world. if interactions like saying yes count then some years ago. if having a conversation more meaningful than exchanging a greeting, probably not since i was a kid. i dont remember the last time i had a real meal. i forgot how to sleep, there are weeks when i sleep for 16+ hours and stay awake for up to twice as long, there are weeks when i sleep and stay awake for 3 hours each. ive done drugs they call medicine thinking this would help, looking back its like a lamb walking into a slaughter house. i dont know, i dont know, i dont know anything. i dont understand anything. nothing makes sense. i wish i knew and understood. im sorry for being like this. there isnt anything i can do to, i dont even know what i should do something to, just that i didnt want to be like this. i want my skin to burn, i want to be flayed.i believe in niceness, i believe it can be found in people. i love people. i think i can understand them. i hate myself because im not like them. i just wish i could have fun with everyone else. i wish i could tell someone how much i love them and not be laughed at. i think what matters is on the inside. looks are only an accessory, in vr people can take any shape they want and i suppose eventually theyll be able to modify everything about their physical bodies. im disgusting and even if i could augment myself id still be the creation of something disgusting which might be even worse. i wish i could help them, people, who i love. nobody deserves any of this. its all so ugly, i cant stand it. i cant stand looking at myself in a mirror, i cant stand looking at other people, i cant stand hearing my or their voices. i know there s a better place. i dont want to be like everyone else. i think if im left alone, i dont know, maybe i wont see the point in having fun, i will think fun is just slavery and weakness. i dont know. i dont know anything. i think i understand people that torture and kill, theyre not doing anything wrong in their eyes and theres nothing they can do about the stupidity of everyone else but i wish they would not. no, i dont know if i care. why am i like this. why didnt i turn out like a normal wageslave or a happy weeb., i dont even know what thee words mean anymore. im sorry for being offensive. im sorry for leaving a mark of my existence in your brain. a footprint. i. theres no salvation. you'realone. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to think. why? im so pathetic and cringy. i feel physical pain almost all the time. my body always itches. i cnt brethe, im almost alwways sneezing and coughing, i often wake myself from my nightmares because i break the windows kicking them, i wake up with cuts on my feet and legs. it hurts to sit, to lay on my bed. it hurts to touch anything. i have scars all over my body, i dont even cut myself. people who cut themselves deserve to be loved. its just my skin is too weak and i bleed from the weakest scratch, ive gotten bruises on my thumbs from trying to open water bottles. i didnt know for most of my life this isnt normal. i feel physicl pains in my chest, like there are needles piercing my heart, that theres something squeezing it, i feel something like popcornj in my head, i think theyre mini strokes. because i make a lot of mistakes, like when im typing something and i skip a letter or some punctuation mark. i feel very hot and very cold sometimes, it varies through the day. im allergic to just about anything, there isnt anything that will not make me sneeze or itch. its surreal. its a vision of hell. i dont want this. i hate this. i ant do anything. every time i think of doing something, memories of failure nd frustrtion re brought back. every circuit ends in the idea that this is wrong, that i shouldnt do it because x y z and x y and z are unnaceptable.it might not be innacurate to say ive been taught anything i can or might do is wrong. what else can i do but hug my knees, pull my hair and cry. how do people live, how are they happy, how do they enjoy anything, how do they have emotions. i hope you will all be together forever. i hope you`ll always be happy. its like watching a happy married couple. thats what you all are. its not an insult.im very happy for all of you. im afraid of thinking for myself. im afraid i will end up something i dont want to be right now. im glad for having this brain, i can imagine things most people can only dream of imagining. i feel bad for you because even if im only a jobless norm or whatever i could have made nice contributions that people supposedly appreciate in science or art. but if i start thinking for myself there wont be a use for things like beauty and love anymore, id lose everything i have for a relief of pain. and the other me doesnt think there is something like pain, its all an illusion that should be endured or something to that effect. i want to go away. i want to be invisible. and live in an invisible world of my own. completely separate from everything else. i would never be hated. i could do what i think is right.if i were god i would do something like make creatures and love them. they would only know niceness. i dont know how would that turn out. i dont know anything, im just too crazy and the reality i was born in is too ugly to just man up. i cant imagine what its like not to be like this for too long. whats it like to see everything turn out as expected, for better or worse, so you can have goals and work towards them. youre not humans or at least not animals, you dream and dreaming for you is reality. i can only experience my dreams in my mind. i dont want this, im sorry, i dont want this, i hate this, i hate myself, i hate my ugly existence. i hate my shit genes, my retarded parents and all the people ive been physically surrounded by, this concrete hell, the smoke, my education (the lac of). i dont know if i have ever wanted friends. i think i was just trying to interact with other people for the sake of interaction, like having friends is a trend, like something everyone has and you have to have them too. im just retarded. i can only close my eyes and shake my head to reality. sometimes i dont know when im having sleeping dreams and when im awake, there was one time i woke up for real and i thought i was still dreaming, it took me a while to realize i was awake, like hours, and another i was dreaming in my sleep and i thought i was still awake. i dont know. i dont know anything. i really love you but ill have to go. i wish i could stay with you, i wish i could touch you and be touched by you, not physically.
at least i wasnt born in a torture chamber. i guess in the far future people will create living beings in virtual simulation worlds that can feel more pain than anyone can imagine right now, more than every person combined, and then torture them for eternities just for fun. people do it with animals and humans right now, torture. it's not a far stretch to think it will be done in such manner if you assume simulations are possible. and if they can last so long, any existence is statistically more likely to be born a part of this thing than a simple human like me. i just wish i could be nice to people and there were people who could reciprocate. im dirty, ugly. im poor, uneducated, my grandmother who died of lung cancer was healthier than me in her last months of life than i have been for most of mine. im the product of a dysfunctional family of drunk junkies and petty criminals. im paranoid, afraid of everyone. i cant take anything at face value. people dont tell hello and good morning to each other, they dont need that. theyre all coded messages, LSB and most people will think im a schizo and that these three letters dont mean anything, although i guess im a schizo, or irony and inside jokes, if not outright bots or just corporate advertisement and government propaganda. i cant imagine how peoples relationships are with their normal families or parents. in vns and anime parents are often not even mentioned. sometimes i imagine having a normal family as a kid and i like to thank my parents for making me. i dont know how to make this stop. i think distrusting people might have negatively affected my ability to use 2d succubi as escapism, i keep involuntarily reminding myself that theyre made by the same people im afraid of and the people im afraid of do wrong things to their image. im tired of being beat up. i think ill be alone now. ive tried to look for something and find it but i couldnt. get there. its right in front of my nose, i think, but its like i dont have certain basic qualifications that werent even qualifications until now because everyone that passed the main test had them. it sucks but im afraid ill just have to face reality and become a smiling salaryman. what? i mean that there isnt anything good. the only way to avoid all this pain is to give up on these childish ideas. of hugging, telling and being told nice things. heaven. a place of rest. i dont know what it is. and accept the horror of it all. nobody cares. im just a cringy retard and there isnt anything good about me. theres no reason not to hurt. i will never hurt anyone but ill start placing my own well being above that of others and stop thinking were all in this together. or so i say but i dont know if ill be able to go through it. i like you all too much and i just want to be with you. theres no salvation. youre alone. i dont know how else to say it. there arent the right words but if i knew them youd have read them hundreds of times by now.its not what things are supposed to be but im very tired. i feel like a goblin or whatever disgusting creature people cant look at and feel any sympathy for living under a bridge and its always raining hell outside. i hear laughter every now and then and i want to go where people are but i cant move. im not educated but i guess ive read a translated version of the stray dog and some of the lines hit close to home. there are other pieces of fiction but i would be ruining their image if i said something like its this story. funny, i think almost nothing of the image of a persian story. i think ive run out of things i wanted to say. if im posting this im imagining people vomiting or feeling like puking just by glancing at some of the words. i dont expect sympathy or even laughter, only disgust. let me out of here. i just want out. i really dont know anything. its like my mind is changing every moment. like what im feeling right now, there wont be a trace of it left in the next second. im retarded, retarded, stupid, pathetic, low IQ, monstrosity, animal, beast. Subhuman, subhuman, subhuman, subhuman, subhuman. I didnt choose to be likethis. I dont even think I want another chance at life, to experience first hand, first person, from much closer the dream world that is the modern human life. I think it would be more than enough if my existence was just erased from history. Like if the first particles after the big bang were rearranged so I could never have been born and everything else would be the same. I hope you'll all have nice lives. You deserve niceness, warmth, tenderness. I hope you'll all get some rest from all of this some day. I wanted to stay with you and be by your side but I'm retarded, I don`t know anything, I don`t understand anything and nothing makes sense. Nothing makes sense and I want out of here. I don`t belong here. I didn`t do this. I don`t know what else to say. Just stay well I guess and bye I think. I`m glad I met you.
I should've killed myself 22 years ago when I thought about it, nothing has become better, only worse
Is it weird that this doesn't seem weird to me? This is what life can do to a man.
Try SSRI. The way you write makes me think this might be what you are looking for.
Serious anhedonia, it could be worse, I bet everyone has abandoned all hope of you being a normalfaggot, at least don't be mad at yourself for giving up, normies think we can just bite the bullet pull ourselves up by our bootstraps but there's a blindspot to this self improvement thing overcoming past trauma and mental illness they can't relate completely and think were just lazy dep fools and can't for the life of them prevent theirv own suffering so how can they save you all they can do is serve self righteous patronage, you are alone when you know who you are, so its pointless all you can do is be brave , anon.
>failed all my classes
gg no re
Light is sweet, and it is pleasant for the eyes to see the sun.
I have a life and yet the opportunity to be satisfied and in good terms with myself seems to have been lost way before I was born. In other words, it never existed. Without someone to take care of me as a kid or to teach me anything. I could only depend on the education system where teachers only payed attention to the better students. I was always the last in my class and failed at everything. Confined in my room alone because I lived in a neighborhood where everyone was mean and ugly because of poverty, I didn't make any friends with the other kids. And in that school where every other guy had a better life than me, somehow I managed to make some few friends but even then I knew that they’ll be gone when high school was over, because I didn’t grow up in a good family like them, or had the money they had.
Interests? How could I have any if I was completely alone and without any guidance.
Video games were but a way to pass time while hoping for something to change, a miracle to happen, something that could bring some motivation to start doing something better than being on the computer after school, as I saw it all as pointless, as I was lost from the start.
I knew I lost and was lost, and the biggest problem is that you don’t die when you lose in life, at least not physically, it’s not like a video game.
Wish it was like a video game because the older I get the more the truth about my life becomes clear. Like now, I know there’s nothing now, and when I thought I’d get that thing that would bring meaning to my life, it quickly vanished.
Again, why do I exist at this point? I don’t know. All this free time. Why would I wanna improve at anything? Why should I continue with my life if I’m this damaged and bored with everything?
Somehow, I still cling to life, because of fear, and maybe pride. I shouldn’t be killing myself, but I will live without hope, and bearing this pain, and enduring the loneliness and boredom. I’m doing my best but it will never be enough, I needed something as a kid, and it wasn’t given to me, and that thing was something irreplaceable.
That is one reason I enjoy summer. I also like that its about 15-20c above instead of -15 or so below 0. No ice or snow.
I get why other wizzies prefer winter. Summer is slightly more comfy for me. Probably because I live in Canada
My father has a malignant brain tumor and is dying. He can't move anymore, he can't even open his eyes, eat or drink, all his senses are almost off, he's finished, but one can note that he's in pain (he firmly grabs my hand and doesn't let it go while all his body is twitching), that's the only thing he can feel right now and that maintains him alive and connected to the world, acute deep pain. He's responsible of me being here, subjected to the horrors of life and disarmed and castrated to face it, but at the same time I pity this old man. In this third world country, some peasants mindlessly put him on existence, condemning him to a life of slavery. Perhaps due to the dumb ideologies that pester this shithole he irresponsible ended having kids and in the process he sank in debt and mutilated his sons. One never stop being surprised at the great amount of bullshit the slaves use to justify their misery and that can even go as far as saying that this is the beautiful plan of God working and that he loves us. Now it's all over, his supposed hard work will just end into eternal oblivion, the dark abyss will engulf him forever. This society is a cult of death, the vast majority of us lives in misery, we are squeezed and then discarded into the trash and that's all.
You might want to check out if that stuff can be inherited in any way. Uncle of mine died in ms, the last 3 years of his life was spent in a hospital bed looking like a skeleton dressed in skin, unable to move on his own, I couldn't help but wonder why he didn't kill himself while he still was able to but I guess it must've come crawling over him real slow so he didn't notice when it was too late. Got really bad for a while, then a little better, then bad again, then better, but every time a step down.
For a person described in your post you seem too fucking smart and poetic.
>>220919>He's responsible of me being here, subjected to the horrors of life and disarmed and castrated to face it, but at the same time I pity this old man.
I think of this every time someone complains about no parents.
This is pretty common with people who spend a lot of time online. It's easy to absorb vocabulary and other writing styles from reading, but it doesn't translate into practical ability as you can't absorb it in a similar fashion. You have to have fairly good executive function, working memory, and visual processing speed to do useful stuff. Most people IRL think I'm a dumbass unless I can show off my trivia knowledge, but then they also see I fail at anything remotely useful. People with redundant vocabularies who seem articulate are a dime a dozen.
Life with its hourly, daily, weekly, yearly, little, greater, and great misfortunes, with its deluded hopes and its accidents destroying all our calculations, bears so distinctly the impression of something with which we must become disgusted, that it is hard to conceive how one has been able to mistake this and allow oneself to be persuaded that life is there in order to be thankfully enjoyed, and that man exists in order to be happy.
Well that's mainly a product of our modern day commercial society. Most people before that died faster and thought they were getting some sort of payoff in the afterlife. It's a lot easier to live with that than to expect happiness in this life.
Well the covid scare was great while it lasted, I could walk about streets completely free of people and ride the trains and buses for free and pick the best seats.
Now summer is fully here and people are out in droves because lockdown or not, they're gonna get their tan. Cunts the lot of them.
Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk
I'm a succubus's man, no time to talk
Music loud and succubi warm, I've been kicked around
Since I was born
Seems peculiar to write about how much you enjoyed going outside and in the very next sentence accuse everyone else who does it of being a vapid cunt.
He enjoyed going outside because he was alone. They're doing it as a social activity because of summer. Big difference.
I'm going to try to solve the shit that is my life one last time. If after midnight I failed once again, I'll kill myself.
Around one hour to go, nightwalker
What a pretty butterfly.
Nobody knows shit about anything, but they walk around straight and pride, idiotic flamingos.
This realization really changed me, because I never really felt like I was genuinely good at anything because there was always so much I didn't know. Then I realized most people who are good at something don't actually know as much as they pretend to, and that fact is like a perpetual thorn on their egos. Most of society is just about pretending at everything, it's pretty much a play. I don't know how people can get away with that. People actually build their entire identities around things that they know very little about. It just seems insane to me.
>>221050>Nobody has a clue what they're doing. They're just doing.
It's called adulthood. When people tell you to grow up this is what they expect from you.
I wish you well, wizzie.
I'd like to have my memory wiped. It's just decades of unpleasant memories and I don't remember to good parts.
Should be called retardation.
Life is that way.
Can't cope with being held in this flesh prison against my will. If my mother thinks longlife emotional turnoil is just reduced to a remnant of teenagehood while ignoring my actual problems, it just makes me wonder why shouldn't i slit her throat at night
Such a funny feeling - googling cremation services in your town.
I'm fucking trapped, man. I keep trying and trying to improve my life but I keep failing and failing every time. There is no progress, no "little bit closer". Just an eternal reminder of the grave that was dug for me when I was born and gets deeper with every passing day. Yet I can't bring myself to just give up entirely. Maybe it's just stupid pride but If I feel like if I give up then I'll truly be dead. But there's just no way to break this cycle, I just lack that fire within myself to truly create change by sheer will alone and there is no support there when I inevitably fuck up. Everything that happens now is on me, and that's terrifying. I don't care what happens, good or bad, I just want out of this fucking cycle.
I should never try to express myself, I always come off as such a fucking idiot which I guess I am. I'm an idiot for feeling anything and i'll never be as 1/10th as profound as I think I am in my own head. I should just give up and die for being such a coward and a pseud.
Same. I just wish it was easier to die.
I'm defeated. Tomorrow I will call at a psychiatrist. Just write this here so it might come true. I said this to myself for a year now and something was holding me back. Don't know if fear or pride. But what does it help to wait? My life consists of waiting for death. And thanks to statistics it will take close to 5 more decades till that happens. Can't wait this long. But can't suicide neither to cut the waiting time. I read some medication increase the suicidal rate. At least that's one thing to hope for.
Good luck. Have strength.
I've considered doing the same thing for a little while now. In my case, I always just dismiss the possibility of ever doing it, mostly for it being pointless and a waste of time, since there's nothing another person could do to actually help me with my life, unless they were willing to become my personal life coach and not just be some random person I uselessly bitch and moan to about my problems every once in a while. Medication is just about the only tool in their toolbox, but I'd be too cautious of the side effects, like weight gain or other random crap taking them might cause, beyond increasing suicidal thoughts. I don't mind suicidal thoughts, since I have suicidal thoughts every single day anyway. I'd also have to depend on one of my parents driving me to the meetings (who are both quite old and tired at this point), since I'm too anxious to leave the house by myself, which makes the possibility of it ever happening even slimmer.
It is just an act, its the duality of social interaction, I think its called inter subjectivity, being forced to suffer others with different ideals and lives, its unfair some are better than others and were forced to specialize so no one can know their own fate or everything , its why we created an all knowing all good creator to judge us.
Its mostly a pretentious game, thinking philosophically about things is considered a waste by most people , most great people are alone you are born to do it or not.
I've been having an odd batch of insomnia. I've been getting less and less sleep every night. Last night I didn't sleep at all.
>>221390>thanks to statistics it will take close to 5 more decades till that happens
Don't remind me. I can't get myself to do anything, including killing myself. I guess I'll just have to rot and suffer for decades and hope I'm struck by lightning someday.
think im starting to develop schizophrenia, not sure but aside from my depression symptoms i'm starting to hallucinate every so often and i'm starting to get more paranoid about shit others dont worry about
You cannot dodge the bullets that come from within
Is there a word for this or has it been studied by anthropologists?
Or are they faking also?
Is it fakes all the way down?
no one gives a shit about me. no one sees me. i want people to see me.
That's what I'm doing. You have to avoid thinking, thats why I do things, anything but that.
I feel ya, I had the weirdest and most convoluted dream I've ever had last night. I woke up wondering if my dream was more real than my real life even though my real life is also pretty weird.
Destiny, being aware of the ego is mindfulness but the paths we inevitably take we only have degrees of control over by enticing external forces and internal logic, people wont feel sorry for you if you make mistakes consistently that is morality, until you master whatever or reach your goal, anthropologists don't have that answer to this.
I seem to get regular waves of this happening to me as well. Hatred used to be an utterly foreign word to me as well and I have no reason to bear ill will against anyone, yet somehow it managed to find me anyway. It's weird because it seems to always flare in intensity for me the more I browse predominantly normal populated websites like reddit, or what have you, but I can still watch films, or consume other media, that has normal themes and normal bullshit galore and not be nearly as bothered by it. Well, either way, I highly relate with a lot of what you said. I was feeling this sort of thing real bad for a good number of months recently and it's essentially guaranteed that I'll start feeling the intensity of it again at some point in the future. Feelings like this are like battery acid in your veins and I'm honestly not sure which is worse. Being a depressed zombie who doesn't feel anything except boredom/tension/self-loathing, or having a tsunami of inner rage wash me away, over how awful the world is and other people are. Like Travis Bickle said, I get some bad ideas in my head sometimes. Real bad. It really is just a pure hatred and contempt for life. There are times where it's gotten so bad for me that I've literally found myself, as cringe as I'm sure it'll sound, kicking my foot against the wall, or pounding my palms against the kitchen countertop just to try and expel all this downright corrosive shit that absolutely fucking burns me up inside. It's in times like those where I wonder whether or not I really am crazy, or have truly become an irredeemable person.
Fundamentally, I feel like the anger comes from a place of wanting to exact vengeance for ever having been here in the first place. I don't blame my parents. It's not their fault. It's the world's fault. This ball of muck which, until proven otherwise, is essentially the center of all misery in the entire universe. This rotten, pain-filled, shitty little world that, yes, I'd blow to fucking smithereens if I was ever given the chance. My problem is that I see the embodiment of this world, or the 'Demiurge' if you'd like (meme-tier word that is these days), in other people. The gives a pretty clear outline of how these feelings end up spilling over to other people, which for me, somewhat helps to stymie them a little, since I can at least chart back what the ultimate essence of this comes down to. That being, the pain of being born/existing, leads to hatred and a need for revenge against the world, which leads to seeing other people/forms of life as embodiments of the world, worthy of either hatred or contempt. I know the last one is irrational, but I can't help it. Especially since the prevailing narrative of most people tends to be how wonderful life is and what a "gift" it is, which stands anathema to everything I think and feel, leading to a strong sense of resentment, disgust and even hatred against those who worship and slather praise over this horrid fucking planet, which mindlessly reveling in is supposed to make all worth while. Combine that with the pitch black void I have inside myself and it's no wonder I feel the way I do. Just makes life even shittier in the end.>>220774
Same here and well said. Once again, I feel the exact same way. They're all useless gestures. Even the most heinous crimes imaginable are ultimately just more useless gestures. In certain ways, I find I can understand and even sympathize with that sense of subterranean rage that bubbles and roils on the inside, unabating day after day, until tragically and in the worst case, it bursts forth into a conflagration of total violence, like with a mass shooter finally snapping, or what have you, but while they might feel like they got their final revenge, their efforts were ultimately just another useless gesture. The only meaningful gesture would be if this planet phased out of existence a moment from now and never returned. I can rationally understand this to be a contradiction based on what I just said prior, but, like everyone else, I'm not perfect and I have my own inconsistencies. This just happens to be the main one. The total cessation of pain is more important than the continuation of pleasure, which itself is built on and is perpetuated by the pain of others. Wars, mass shooters, cancer, grief, loss, and an often miserable and absurd death. This what it costs for our continued, often momentary pleasure. Others will disagree with this, as most always do (even here there are wizzies who are proud members of the life cult), but I don't care. This planet will be obliterated someday, and long before that, will be incapable of supporting life. In the end, what I want to have happen will ultimately win out. That's reality. Hell, even right now, given the rate of species that are going extinct is at an enormously high rate, you'd almost think people want to eradicate life, just like me. Yet people's own greed and stupidity and supposedly life-loving nature is exactly what is destroying all life right now. Life creates life that destroys all other life. Like the bacteria eons ago that was responsible for our oxygen atmosphere. Their mere existence killed everything else. Then more life evolves to take the place of other life in a pointless cycle that inevitably ends with the expansion of the sun. Even other planets, with other forms of life, will in all certainty have the same thing happen to them as well. A nearby black hole, a sun going super nova, a gamma ray burst, or even just the heat death of the universe. No matter what, omnicide is guaranteed. Entropy really is a wonderful thing.
I put in so much effort and get so little out of it. Still struggling to do anything after years of work and hours each day. Some people should never have existed and some lives should not have been lived. There are lives without value even if we can't make that decision from the outside, they have definitely existed and maybe I'm living one; I certainly think I am.
What is it that you're striving to get to and what's preventing you from it?
It is impossible to know where your life lies on the spectrum, many criminals like us were doomed and due to mental illness, desperation and haste made bad decisions, religion was made to cope with our mortality and filling the gaps of consciousness with the supernatural and free will, with transitory forms of existence into the eternity, but we know life only happened once and our relatives are descended from one ancestor so we don't seperate after we die onto different deities, its delusional, and just like bigotry and prejudice divides rather than liberates, no amount of arguing matters if people wont accept it and rather chase some fleeting desirable novelty or ideal as ridiculous as love. .
Pessimists and optimists will never see eye to eye, because they are polarized and contradict each other fundamentally, the pessimist copes with the malignancies of life as squandered seeing death as the only release, optimists cope with death as the tragic ending to the fortunes of life both are dubious, the truth is subjective to one's interpretation.
Life was an accident and the end probably will be the same, never to occur again.
My dad's health is deteriorating and has been for years but now it's only getting worse, he felt dizzy yesterday and my brother had to pick him up and drive him back home, I don't know if it'll pass and I'm scared thinking about the possibility of waking up one day to find out that he's no longer with me.
A bit of a background about myself (I'm a NEET with zero income and mental problems)
He's been helping me since the day I was born, he's also buying my meds with his own money and never ever once told me that I am a burden, I don't even know what to say anymore I'm just scared that he might die and I find myself in a much worse situation than the current one, I don't have a job or money to buy my medications and shit is about to get real I think.
What country do you live in? Is there any social services that can give you free money and/or food? Ask your dad to take out life insurance so you can have a safety net to last you for a little while.
Maybe have a comfy suicide kit planned for when your dad dies and you become homeless or whatever.
>>221596>Is there any social services that can give you free money and/or food?
Unfortunately no, there isn't any social service in my third world shithole (I prefer not say my country but considering that it's a third world one you already know the struggle) that can give me free food or money. >Ask your dad to take out life insurance so you can have a safety net to last you for a little while.
My mom will be taking care of me if shit hit the fan, I'm just very fucking depressed because I don't want him not to be around anymore.
Want : Basic mental stability that allows me to function like a human being with a consistent experience of time, self, narrative, intention, and other base human experiences
Obstacle : A brain that shatters regularly and doesn't respond to what works for others
Just want to do my chores and live a mediocre life between now and my mothers death. Too much to ask.
>go for walk
>Someone yells at me from a truck that's passing by
I can't even do my favourite pastime without normals fucking it up.
My father has finally died. All the process from the diagnosis of his illness to his demise has felt to me as a weird dream, a movie that I was watching from outside. I guess this is a self defense mechanism that our ego uses to be able to walk through situations like this. I can't really come to terms to the fact that my father is dead, it can't be real, I momentarily forget it and then the thought returns and strikes me as utter impossibility that nonetheless has already happened. If I think a bit about the situation I realize that this is the beginning of a never ending descending spiral where my life at each turn will turn exponentially worse. Unavoidable wage slavery is knocking at my door now and who knows how I will deal with this pressure for long term or If I will have the will to keep living If I lose my mother too. Damn, losing my father is equivalent to lose a limb to me, an incurable wound, a perpetual mark that life has put on me.
A few years ago I read The Death of Ivan Ilyich by Tolstoi and somebody like my father is embodied in that character. One lives the supposedly righteous life to discover at the end that it was completely meaningless, you will just rot away into eternal oblivion. That breaks me because my father lived a lie, he was consumed by life and society.
I really just cling to one or two beautiful thoughts these days and try to never let my mind wander out of their influence.
Family gets up and within 5 minutes they're aggressively screaming about politics. Just shut the fuck up.
I'm a perdedor baby
>try to do the two minute self-discipline thing
>have absolutely zero will to continue the tasks after second minute mark
Boy that didn't work out.
yeah if you don't actually want to do shit, no amount of "self-discipline" will make you
That also happens a lot here.
>>220783>Looks like classic "ending on a positive note" mocked by Ligotti.
Pretty much. He had me up untill that point. People always got to look for a silver lining..
Did that right now, guess what, I'm feeling more miserable than before, the anxiety and exposure to the real world shattered me.
This was something I should have stuck with.
I'm gonna try this as well. Best I managed was 20 hours of fasting before giving in. It made that first meal taste incredible no matter what it was.
Going to try to gradually get to three days then maybe a week. There seems to be both a psychological and physiological urge to eat, one manifesting itself as incessant daydreaming about delicious food and its pleasures, while the other is a more unpleasant sensation of the emptiness of your stomach. Filling up on liquids helps with the latter, but the first one is quite difficult because you're denying yourself a great pleasure and you feel like you're missing out. It gets depressing if the only thing you look forward to each day is eating. Distraction works to a degree, but you can't be distracted 24/7.
>>221784>I might starve myself>But today I am eating a cheese pizza
thats me every day lol
I have a fever. My head hurts and my body alternates between too hot and too cold. I need to rest but I've had insomnia for a while now. Get well soon me.
my brother and his menhera gf refuse to fix their doorknob. whenever they open or close their door the entire neighborhood can probably hear it.
My dad also often sleeps in the living room and his snoring is like a motorcycle
Not to mention whenever anyone is over, for whatever reason they love to blast the speakers/TV to abnormally loud volume.
My room is right next to the living room btw, because my druggy brother and his mentally retarded gf stole my room.
thats what I get for being the good son who has a job, doesnt do drugs, doesnt get pulled over for drunk driving, doesnt borrow large amounts of money from family members without paying them back, helps out around the house unlike everyone else, I get the best room taken from me. I want to actually kill my entire family.
Pardon my ignorance, wtf is a menhera gf?
sorry. just mentally unhinged.
shit like that makes me thankful for having a socially retarded extreme introvert for a brother.
speak eigo you baka
Up until a couple months ago you could pretty much hear her yelling at him at least once or twice a week (I would call it a "fight" but it was always pretty onesided with her flipping shit about some garbage). Then it got so bad that my mom and sister finally stepped in and told her to have respect for the rest of the house and I haven't really heard anything from her since.
He's a fucking retard but my dad is even more retarded for letting her live with us
The only socialization related thing i do on the internet is consuming depressive content like this board. Passively immersing myself in other's people depressive experiences might not be the best thing to do and they often resonates with mine so it feels like i'm just feeding my insanity but i'd feel so lonely if i cut myself off from the internet. I don't know if it would actually help me in any way, probably not.
>had severe diarrhea yesterday
>spent the entire day enduring agonizing pain and going to the toilet every minute
>thought I'd just sleep it off and rely on my body's natural healing process
>still not healed today, decided to eat over the counter medication
>diarrhea and stomach pain stops 5 minutes after consumption
I can't believe I endure such a long and difficult torture when the solution is so simple. It's amazing I can survive with how retarded I am.
that medicine can give you constipation (its kind of the point) be careful now!
>>220682>Failed all my classes 2nd semester in a row and will probably get kicked out and will disappoint my mother>No job, spend every night crying due to loneliness
Same, but I'm getting tired of all the "just reshape your thoughts brah" improvebroism
yeah man that totally works
Sometimes I've thought about smashing my computer or unplugging the router for a week. But what then? That…really is the thing. It's probably impossible to change when there's nothing else for you to do, reasonably speaking. I think the people who do turn their lives around are the ones with lots of options who were choosing the wrong ones, but some people have no options. For some the bad habits are all you have. It's just not realistic to think someone is going to do something that's 100 miles uphill rather than be bored. Let's be honest, you're probably bored even now, before smashing the computer. I think I am. Maybe the thing to do is to try and improve the plausibility of alternative things to do, rather than try to do them. Whatever that means.
I really hate the whole 'just do babysteps' thing people love to espouse too. At one point you need to cross the Rubicon. It's like some fucking Zeno's paradox, the transition from not doing to doing is infinite.
Yeah, there are no options for most people that end up as rotters. Like I don't know what people imagine there is to do when you have nothing going for you. You aren't going to suddenly be able to get good at things.
I also had diarrhea and terrible stomache pains 3 days ago. It was due to taking too many of some vitamins. I take a tablet of multivitamins every day for one week now and since the event i take only half now and I dont get that problem now.
I think painkillers are turning my mother angry. She retells stories and starts shouting and seething calling people idiots, becoming one of those people who take any opportunity that they're wronged to aggressively rant and shout. She wasn't always so aggressive. I try to be calm and collected and people around me get worse.
is that a side effect or something?
take some yourself
What if you pick easiest reward activity because it exists? What if you destroy your pc, after doing nothing nothing for a week you start doing the next thing that gives your brain easy reward?
You can buy a new pc or pick some other waste of time.
Crumb's older brother is best wizard
>>221674> One lives the supposedly righteous life to discover at the end that it was completely meaningless
That's why i avoid any deep talks with my parents - can't lie and can't tell the hard truth.
I tried starving once and quickly backed the fuck off - head pains were terrible.
I have discovered that my father use a gay chat to talk with another man.
yeah, we could have told you that wizzo, no revelation there
I just want to feel happy again
Well look at this lucky bastard.
Can you ask him to be a better mod around here
Already tried. Doesn't work.
Yeah, it doesn't work for shit, it changes nothing of the underlying mental issues. I suppose being okay physically is better than having health problems though, but it doesn't improve your mood in any way.
Nah, i'd literally rather be dead than do any of those things
I'm too tired to make a witty Terminator joke.
Christ, you sound like a bunch of succubi. Are you seriously suggesting that healthy eating, sleep, and exercise don’t correlate at all with mental wellbeing? You’d rather DIE than eat three times a day, go for walks, or sleep for long enough? Come on.
I remember seeing this guy on Detroid Rock City. Holy shit what happened to him.Nevermind, just looked it up, cocaine and heroin is what happened.
I'm serious, but i don't expect you to understand at all
I am saying i would wilfully die this minute if someone gave me the option
I'd rather die than to receive a 6 fig job, car and luxurious home
I'd pay to die
I think people who have never seriously considered sui should not be qualified to speak on it, in any capacity
I was seriously suicidal for 3-5 years. I practiced hanging techniques countless times, and attempted (yes, ACTUALLY attempted) suicide by partial suspension. The rope broke and I woke up in a daze. I used to think and fantasize about suicide 24/7. My point is, these suggestions I made have helped me and aren’t TOO difficult. They are stepping stones to greater and better things, like happiness and genuine fulfillment. Disagree with me if you like, but cut out the crabs-in-a-bucket attitude.
>>222129>Christ, you sound like a bunch of succubi.
Guess who you sound like.
>>222129>Are you seriously suggesting that healthy eating, sleep, and exercise don’t correlate at all with mental wellbeing?
I'm not suggesting it, I'm telling you that it doesn't work for me. At all.
I live far healthier lifestyle than most wizards, even normies, if I dare to say so. I have regular sleep schedule, I eat relatively healthy food, I excercise regularly and I've been pretty much straight edge for the past few months (no substances at all). On top of that, I live a stress free comfortable life. I should be fucking happy, right? except I'm not and I ponder suicide every day. So get fucked with your retarded advice, it might work for normgroids who are momentarily sad, but it doesn't work at all for anhedonia.
Anon I did those things, but it just feels like building a house of cards that crumbles. If not after a month, then after a year. If not after a year, then after three years.
There's no way to avoid stress in this life. All those self-help ways are like preparations to face a hurricane. It's just a force you're not meant to tackle, at least it feels like it. I WOULD rather die, because sentience feels like a prison and every second I realize I am, I hurt.
Good for you, so anyone who doesn't turn it around has 'not tried hard enough' i'm guessing??
Heard it of this before and it becomes tiresome
There is a subset of us who have anhedonia, no matter how much broccoli we eat and sunshine we get and walks we take and handshakes we perform
Until you supposed 'recovered' advicebros realise that, you have no place here
advicebros got fucked by /dep once again
ill drink to that gentlemen
It's like this whenever my parents want to discuss something metaphysical or regarding to how I feel.
It's just no use trying to explain it. If they don't get it, they won't understand.>Come on Anon, do x, you'll feel better.
No, x is a chore.
And plus, weirdly starting to accept my fate has given me some feeling like i know the truth, like a relief.
Imagine someone saying 'ah come on anon, you know you can be normal, look at all of us doing it!'
and with tears in my eyes i used to strain and try to adapt
Well no more, i have seen the truth now and will embrace the void with open arms
I have discovered that my brother is registered on gay forums.
I have already begun preparing by eating very little. Two days ago all I ate was less than a cup of frozen broccoli at night. Yesterday I ate crackers and beans. Today, nothing but a little bit of rice and tomato sauce. It makes me feel more depressed being honest, but I suppose that makes sense. One's stomach will shrink and adjust to how much you are eating regularly..to an extent. My body didn't like it. I literally told it to fuck off too bad out loud a few times, kek.
I'm the exact same. Eat ridiculously healthy, groom myself every day, exercise regularly, no health problems or chemical addictions whatsoever (never drank, smoked or done drugs), and live a stress free life as a hermit/NEET with no responsibilities, aside from occasional chores which I actually tend to enjoy doing just as something different. Like yourself, I still fantasize about suicide nearly every single day and am enormously fucking miserable for nearly every moment while I'm awake. Even in spite of looking after myself and doing the sorts of crap that the other mentioned, (for years now, mind you), my depression has continued to deepen considerably. Fundamentally, an average normalfaggot has a brain that hasn't utterly been destroyed by depression and anhedonia, which is why even the most minimal proactive beahviour is enough to make them feel right as rain. Conversely, I could be the healthiest person on the god damned planet and, in all likelihood, I'd still find myself being eaten alive daily by the bottomless void that's taken root inside me called chronic depression. People who dish out clueless, surface level advice really have no respect or concept of what an everlasting scourge deep depression actually is. They seem to always confuse it with just being a little bit sad, or unfulfilled, which is like confusing weak lemonade for sulfuric acid.
>reply count goes up
This site is a fucking joke. Teenagers and summerfags are the only posters left here.
Wizards have jobs too you know, and why can't "Teenagers and summerfags" post on weekdays, is there any rule about that?
Normals have been forced to be indoors for a number of months now. If they wanted to post here, they'd have been doing it for the last number of months now because they're bored and desperate. What does Summer have to do with it? With restrictions on movement now being loosened, wouldn't that mean less normals posting? Sounds like you're just unfairly tarring all the posts you don't like as being from "Teenagers" and "Summerfags" when they're probably just from other wizards, same as you.
god what a shitty life
Why I never told you… Why things had to end like that. Dammit. Why this is the past now. Why my dreams are now all in the past. Why you had to become part of the past. Why my love for you will not be anymore. Why?
Why? Why wasn't I more honest? Whose fault is it? This isn't fair. This was something so beautiful. Why did it have to die?
God forgive me because I don't understand. Would something have changed if I wasn't the loser that I was and have always been? Would something have been different if I hadn't been so isolated? Would things have turned differently if I was more confident? Why did I give up, if I didn't this story hadn't abruptly ended. God tell me what is your plan. I need to know. Why didn't I care? Why am I so stupidly rational. Why did I choose this for me? Life is just not fair. I've been alone my whole life and even if I can change that now I don't want to. I didn't love you enough my friend. I wish I could have saved you, somehow. I should have loved you more. I should have shown that I care. I should have been more intelligent. Why was I so immature. You don't even are who you were back then so I can't love you anymore. I'm so sorry. I wish things were different. I miss that time, I know you remember. I miss that you, but I don't miss that me, and yet you do. I love that you my friend, why you had to die like this? When I loved you so much.
God, why this has to be my life now? My future if I have one, I don't care about it. I don't care about this life. I don't care about this life.
Why do I have to wake up with tears in my eyes. Why do I have those dreams. It's been 2 years already. I made that choice, and then it was the best choice for the two of us, right? Right? I don't think so anymore. I wish I could go back. I'm sorry my friend.
I never wanted to watch you die like this. I should have done something… I love you.
I'm tired of having everything I do being torn apart by my parents. Apparently I'm not even tying my shoes right
What the fuck? How low do you gotta be to criticize someone tying their shoes?
You know what to do wiz, let Blackwell be your guide
They are probably interfering with everything else in his life too, see helicopter parents
I've pretty much decided that my method of suicide will be voluntary starvation (while drinking water). Just doing a test run at the moment and I'm four or five (can't remember if I ate Friday) days in and at this point not even hungry. May try another week to see how it goes, and if there is any pain. Ideally I would end it on a snowy day, just walking out into a blizzard while already so starved that the cold would finish me off. Quite randomly I drove around small hometown the other day, where I went to primary school and where I lived with my grandmother for a while. I ended up driving out over a common near the town where I walked as a child, and decided that would probably be an okay place to spend my final hours or minutes.
>>222321>some form of brain damage
There's not "some form of brain damage". You either have it or you don't. You can't get damage from sleep apnea. Brain damage is serious and it feels like dementia, and dementia feels like psychosis+forgetting everything.
Anonymage 06/16/20 (Tue) 21:45:10 No.222343>>222342
I only said brain damage because I know sleep apnea can cause brain damage through limiting oxygen access to the brain. So I must disagree.
>https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/02/100201091638.htm>"Poor sleep quality and progressive brain damage induced by OSA could be responsible for poor memory, emotional problems, decreased cognitive functioning and increased cardiovascular disturbances," said Hong
I am not claiming it to be super serious, just saying there seems to be a breakdown somewhere between parts of my brain, body, and experience. Even if it's just some shrinkage of the frontal lobe. Not a hill worth dying.
Apparently they need to be triple knotted. They're pretty long, so they may make me trip… Hasn't been an issue until yesterday, and I've been using the laces for a month or two>>222317
Not literally everything, but they are pretty helicopter parent-y>>222315
Blackwell knows the way
I hate being me. I hate the family that I was born in. The cards were stacked against me from the beginning. I am certain I will kill myself once I reach a certain age, but for now I have to survive.
I find it to be an interesting new trend, to be honest. Fasting to death..how feasible? Very visible to family members one lives with, anyway. Symbolically it is like a fading away.
I've been going over my notes and I realised that all this time what I've really been avoiding is the reality that I didn't want the last moments of my life to be hurting my family during a mental breakdown before I commit suicide.
I've experienced total mental breakdown and collapse in response to the most mundane circumstances, I used to be afraid to go outside because I couldn't identify what caused me to break down and become a beast. A beast barely able to contain an anger and cruelty as I resisted a suicide that was part of a frantic escape from existence. I have crumbled in the face of the smallest tasks and struggled with the basics of life forever, I know I cannot handle the world and always fear it will send me back there; it is hard to know if I've made progress or my luck in being able to reduce my stress levels materially has given me the illusion of progress around the edges that will crumble if I need to go back to taking part in society in poverty and high stress. It didn't happen before but I was a hairs width from it and I've felt it since, I lose my mind and progress on my mental state hasn't contained it.
That experience of such collapse under small things itself is unpleasant enough to want to avoid but I accepted I wasn't going to commit suicide a while ago so why do I fear it so much? If it was just pain and suffering it would be temporary, it would knock me back, and I'd get back up; even if I had to live with the fact I struggled and failed to act in response to something stressful because of general ineptitude and lack of control. It is not just some specific thing or emotion it is the collapse of my mind and watching my body unable to act or respond in a fury of mental pain.
I could probably handle that though if it was only the ineptitude. It's the knowledge that the future might send me back to the existence of a beast that really matters and a calm suicide now seems worth the avoidance of that happening. I know and have seen I am not a good person when that happens and I know I have the urge to hurt and disregard others to make me feel better. The potential last moments of cruelty before an undignified and violent suicide from a maniac in front of his family seem worth preventing.
I don't really want anything from existence and I've been running on filial duty for a long time, that informs what I seek to do next. I guess I had an incorrect measure of time because the emotions were overwhelming before and I could only see it as an overwhelming act. I'm going to update my will to include explanations that if I do anything and say anything I didn't mean it, and it's not what I really thought, so they can have an explicit understanding in my words that a therapist would tell them anyway; not to think of it as me but an errant emotional event. To create an object which can influence across time and make the act less of a finality, something that explicitly addresses the possibility of a breakdown as failure or monstrosity. Secondly to seriously work on training to control the anger and depravity, to train specifically to try and prevent their arising when I become a craven beast although I've done that for a long time with limited result.
I don't know if it's useful to anyone but narratively explaining things for others is supposed to be useful for the individual to process their thoughts so it was useful to me.
What bothers me the most is that you cannot authentically say that you reject life itself while at the same time not committing suicide. But once you are dead nobody will take you serious anymore and say that you didn't actually hate life, rather that you was a coward and weakling who took the easy way out. To kill yourself makes everything that you said or did before utterly meaningless because for people saying Yes to life it is practically impossible to appreciate anything that stems from someone who rejected the one sole thing everyone needs to value positively for it frames their entire existence. It's impossible to reject life because the dead can't reject anything and the living person for some reason must inherently love life no matter what they say otherwise.
Yes, you can create art or write a substantial piece of work that broadcasts your hatred for life without looking weak
But isn't then the only way to prove the point of my art by committing suicide?
People will accuse you of hypocrisy for not doing it. Even /dep/ is infested with that kind, always dropping by to tell you that if you haven't committed suicide yet then you're only pretending not to enjoy life.
I cycle through tabs every three seconds. IBs, articles, MAL, video lectures. I want to watch. Right-click on Steam icon, I want to play a game. Look at list and open up word processor. I want to write. Open up browser windows, cycle through tabs, giving each three seconds. IBs, articles, MAL, video lectures. I want to read. Right-click Steam, want to play a game. Mouse over the list and tab to word processor. I want to write. Open up browser window, click through the tabs. IBs, articles, MAL, video lectures. I can't decide if I want to watch or read. Open up music player, tatu'd lolis (extended mix) on repeat. Right-click steam mouse tab words write tab browser tabs read watch tab steam tab write tab browse tab steam tab write tab browse fucking go to the crawl thread and post because I've been doing this for an hour and eleven minutes because I'm unmedicated ADHD and I can't do anything just look and want and look and do nothing because want doesn't do it only wants it can't do like telling the blind to see.
When people are confronted with too many options they tend to get stuck anyway. I'm not good with choices so I often use a random number generator to decide for me. You can just set a timer and go with what you roll. Even if you zone out and can't entirely concentrate you should be able to think about that particular thing at least a little until you formulate some solid ideas about what you want to do with it.
I wake up early every day (like 2-3 hours earlier than usual) and I have this anxiety or nervousness whatever you call it when you fell discomfort in the chest. And I just feel sad and every small thing makes me even sadder. Shit just feels depressing, everything that surrounds me, everything about mejust feels wrong and bad. I want to leave everything and just run away from this feeling but I have nowhere to go (and I doubt it will help). This goes away in the evening and eventually stops (I hope, it happened 1 time a year ago and it was so bad I literally couldn't do anything and just sat there and waited for it to end, then I went to a doctor and took SSRIs for a year, and now I'm off the pills for more than a month and it happened again but weaker). Is this depression or withdrawal from pills or wtf is this?
Can't fiix my sleep routine. Every time I tell myself that I will leave the bed right after waking up. Go to bed at like 5 am and the first time I wake up is around 8 am. And then it's in and off till about 16 pm but I never leave the bed because there is no reason to stay up and also I'm afraid of going through a whole day because I know I'll only be tired and bored and have nothing to do. When I finally leave the bed I feel sick, I know I wasted another day and I won't get anything done and feel bad till I go to bed again, and then I'm still not able to leave the bed earlier. I'm stuck. I always feel the weight of my wasted time.
It's not something I can mitigate or fix. I've tried. I'm just screaming into a void, here. Thank you but
None of that shit was necessary.
The virus is a nothing burger, yes it exists but it’s lethality on the populace has been way overblown by the libtards and kikes as their latest scam/hoax to get Trump out of office since his one major selling point that got him elected was the economy which the Corona hoax largely destroyed.
Also their Trump is colluding with Russia hoax failed so they needed to try something new.
The gay little masks won’t help you either since the virus is small enough to pass through the cheap paper ones and basically everything else that’s not an N95.
If your parents forced you to go to these sanitization lengths then ok you have my condolences but yeah if it was your own idea again you don’t need to do this shit and go to all these elaborate and time wasting and energy draining lengths to protect yourself.
Pretty sure there’s a video or several on YouTube that will show you how to set up your kitchen countertop where you’ve got one side considered dirty/contaminated where you place your groceries when you get home and the other side deemed clean/sanitary where you’ve got containers and bags set up to dump your freshly bought foods into and then throw the “contaminated” bags from the store out.
Cans and glass or plastic containers obviously could quickly be sprayed with sanitizer and wiped down and moved to the clean section quickly so it’s fine to use your time spraying down them.
Yeah though just saying there’s way more efficient and quick ways to do all this shit without needing to wash your hands so much and drain so much of your energy if you truly fear this nothing burger.
Oh shut the fuck up.
How does a person posting like this end up in this thread on this board? Something doesn't add up here.
The virus might be nothing for him but his parents might be elderly and infirm, in which case such measures are wise.
I had a strange dream, where people cared about me like if I was a friend. I think I lived for a month in that dream. I got adjusted to being loved so it became a happy and beautiful dream. Not everything was beautiful. There was one person that hated me and another that die. My mother hated me, so I went to live alone. I didn't care about it, because everyone else wanted to be my friend, and I had something that attracted them to me. I don't remember who that person who die was, all I remember is that it was someone everyone knew. Then there was this succubus who came to visit me one afternoon. A succubus that I have never talked to. She had some emotional problems, but just wanted me to help her with homework. I knew that she was troubled, and I also knew what would make her happy, and I did it. I don't know what it is that I did, but I made her happy, and I've never felt so happy in my life for making another person happy. I don't know what I said to her or how I said it, but it resulted in a look of relief and happiness on her face. I've never felt anything like that but seeing her smiling and calm is something that I'll never forget. Being there with her gave her so much reassurance that I decided that she could live with me for as long as she wanted.
When I finally woke up from that dream I wanted to kill myself, no, I wished I could sleep forever. Then I remembered that day I cried and the reasons why I cried and wanted to disappear completely. I'm fine now.
Sometimes I also have those kind of dreams. The last one was so good that I was truly destroyed the moment I woke up and realized my reality was something else. I feel you.
He can just do what I said and they will be fine and his chapped, cracked and no doubt blistering hands will thank him for it.
The doctor in this video I posted above is where I got the idea from you disrespectful little cocksucker.
Little faggots like you won’t do or believe anything unless some Jew approved “expert” provides you the information because of your lemming/sheep like beta cuck nature so watch the video and weep faggot since the “doctor” is telling you to do what I already said and no you don’t have to wash your hands a billion times to be “safe” from this overblown hoax to oust Trump from office that just like the Russian collusion nonsense will not work either.
why does everything have to suck so much?
Luck of the draw wiz, luck of the draw
That's unfortunate. Have you tried picking any of them up again? To be honest, I was never good at anything. I just came off "smart" because I did more reading ahead of my classes. It was really deceptive though.
I think dreams are one of the best forms of escapism. Sometimes I wish I could just skip the time awake and be in an endless dream, if lucid or not doesn't matter, when I am dreaming I feel like I am another person, someone without all the mental problems and without the dull reality of my everyday life.
There's no doubt that Sunday is the worst day of the week. No, I don't need to work tomorrow or work at all. It's just too grim.
Can't wait for summer to be over. Worst time of the year.
Me too. Sunlight is canceeous, I hate it.
I agree completely. Reddit is on par with tumbler and both are worse than 4chins.
4chan is just where the reddit kids go to be edgy.
I use Linux most often/for anything sensitive, Linux is much less susceptible to malware in general. When downloading a file I plan to use on other systems I scan it with things like https://www.virustotal.com
I am overwhelmed by your enormous intellect and wisdom.
first time posting in /dep/ since the dutch wiz suicide. using a new browser so this wasnt hidden anymore. anyway im gonna hide it again but thought id wish you guys best of luck.
Yes i know that feeling very well. It fucking sucks, the internet is basically the only thing that is still more or less interesting to interact with and of course its the first thing my brain decides to poison with its fucking baseless anxiety. i dont even know if what i do can be called cope, but i implement some basic security measures and still feel like i chugged a bottle of sulfuric acid whenever i click on anything. but oh well, my brain likes to fuck things up, so of course i cant just have my carefree little escape in the internets. fuck.
Some thing you can do howver would be using some dedicated environment for untrusted things, just as the other wiz said.
Like using a linux box or virtual machines to download and scan stuff before you let it on your main system, or even never let the stuff outside at all.
Using VMs would also allow you to quickly restore it to previous state without having to reinstall.
I guess, rationally speaking, that would be a very decent baseline of security, and not too difficult technically.
What if i told you that you are living in a dream and that your sense of self is an illusion
Are these your drawings wizzo?
Can you give a guide to operating out of a virtual machine?
Whoever made this tier list knows nothing of Linux if they think Kali is secure. Up until recently everything ran as root for crying out loud. It isn't a daily driver
I'm so fucking tired of it all but I don't know what to do.
It doesn't get too much better with medication. I just end up focusing on dumb shit and it wears off quickly after a while.
My dad just bitched at me for not saying happy fathers day.
I totally fucking forgot, oh well.
I have professional security certifications etc but am still terrified. No level of paranoia is enough. You have to learn to live with the bad feelings and just do what you can to minimise risk
I woke up today feeling different, with an urge to change things.
Finally took a bath, shaved and cleaned my room. Even planned to study something and do some work out later. Then suddenly those feelings simply faded and I feel dead again, going back to sleep now. What a fucking stupid life
It's easier to accept that if you don't have the energy or motivation to do things that this is not your world I think. This is the world of those with vitality and we have no place here, it is better to accept they have a right to do to us what they please.
I guess I often think about the suffering that comes from an inability to act. If we choose to not commit suicide for whatever reason, we consent to the demiurge and those with more energy having authority over us and making us suffer if they please. It is their world.
If our inaction frustrates people then they have a right to abuse us for it is their world. You must sit and take it and the mental resistance to the pain is useless without the action.
Make it to where?
What is going on in that picture?
It's giving me bad feelings
The world being itself.
Not that i praise la resistance, but what you wrote is stupid.
Just so you don't feel as if you're shouting into the void, and that you aren't alone with this plague of a world, I am leaving a reply.
Never wanted anything either. Just always want "out" instead.
I wonder how it must be to feel a progression. A narrative.
well, you posted an anime ost so I guess you still enjoy anime? I stopped enjoying shit like 3 yrs ago, the only thing that kinda makes me happy is vidya
Does he has a YT channel? It's really hard to find cozy, loner yt channels by using the search bar alone.
I have an honest question as this seems to be where I'm heading as well: How do you survive day to day life for so long? I feel all this inaction is pure torment, there is not a single moment where I feel at peace, I feel like in constant panic and discomfort.
it's your special case
most people who choose inaction find peace in it
Guess I'm doomed then.
How do I stop overthinking everything?
I have negative experiences with "therapy", but that's all that free healthcare will get. Anybody worth a damn has a private practice and selectively chooses patients on whims charging hundred or more an hour. It's a funny thing, the people who could actually help you are all out of the price range of where people end up when they need the people who could actually help
. Hilarious rib m8.
That could apply to anything to life, for example succubi who could help the crabs are out of their league
make friends with death
chose the best example of that "anything"
The title of "therapist" is someone there specifically meant to help you yet are ineffective; succubi aren't failing and doing a shitty job when they just don't fuck some people, not really equivalent. But, I get what you are trying to say.
Even in these cases, you are still called a hypocrit, pretentious or something idiotic like a buzz kill.
Why do you care what people say?
>>222457>Yes, you can create art
I've had numerous nights without any sleep or just 1-2 hours in the last couple of weeks.
To be honest I have slept poorly for years, mostly not enough time and waking up many times during the night.
I know it's bad for my health but there seems to be nothing I can do about it. Some things help for a couple of days but then stop.
I hit rock bottom. I spent 2 entire days doing porno videos in a well known mod friendly western rpg but the arousal i experienced in the process made me unable to focus so the creations were nowhere close to what i wanted, it all just resulted in me touching my penis for 10 hours straight for 2 days. I uninstalled everything after realizing what a degenerate i've become.
You'll come back to it or find some other degeneracy to edge too. I know because I am also a porn addict.
I feel like I'm an NPC incapable of critical thought
Why do they make them colored like that?
So the earwax stains are less noticed?
Hopefully the crossbow works out, wiz.
Dehydration is though
I work nights. As such, my sleep schedule has been screwed up since I started this job about three years ago. My dad woke me up shortly after I got to sleep, because the hospital phoned about rescheduling some appointment I had booked but was rescheduled because of covid. He then gave me shit for "looking bewildered."
I wasn't expecting the call today. No shit I was bewildered
Thank you wiz,I think I remember you,you are the lithuanian wiz that used to post the same anme picture every time? the one that gave you comfort or something,some years ago you said that you were going to kill yourself,I'm glad you're still around.
All that I'm living for are those five minutes of peace before falling asleep. The day is nothing but a bleak passage I have to endure.
My God, we have a light walker among us! https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cotard_delusion
I don't feel any peace at all, not even before going to sleep.
I just broke down and cried in front of my mom like a little fucking succubus
i dont know myself.
im a complete retard. not the worst type of person on earth because im below that, on a category of my own.
is there a practical text guide to life for complete retards? i need to learn very basic stuff like personal finance, health, nutrition, even hygiene. how long does it take to turn life around? i estimate that i wont feel less anxious or that i have the time for videogames before im 40.
how long does it take to go through all the /sci/ and /g/ book lists? to become proficient in half a dozen languages?
should i go to an university right away? or should i wait until im confident?
how is the world going to look like in 20 years? will ordinary people still work ordinary jobs?
do ordinary people even exist? isnt everyone secretly an evil genius? even here on wizchan, im probably the only unironic retard. as in downs syndrome stupid.
im trying to study hard but my eyes kind of hurt. ive tried messing with redshift and my monitors settings but migraines and stuff remain a problem. im thinking of getting a projector asap and using my walls as a monitor.
also my room is hot, i cant think as clearly here as i can when im in the living room or the hallway or the kitchen. i cant realistically move my computer elsewhere. my windows have to remain shut because theres too much light, noise and pollution outside. theres a fan right next to me 24/7 and i can drink water but thats about it.
is there a way a subhuman like me can make it out of this world? will there ever be a meaning to my life? is there a right way to live? there isnt a divine, non-man-made secret i should be looking for? i dont like being like this. i want to be good, whatever that is. is living and thinking for myself wrong?
right now the most i can realistically shoot for is living in my own little wicked world, far away from tech and everyone else. ill die completely ignorant. i could spend my life reading a textbook after the other and i still wouldnt know some of the most elementary things. i owe most of what i know to imageboards like this and it was pure luck that i found them. how can people know and do so much? i cant imagine there not being something practically magical involved, like injecting knowledge directly to the brain through chips or whatever. is reading the web the only way to find new things that i never imagined existing?
i probably will never amount to more than a grocery store cashier. is that all that there is? i dont want to accept it, maybe i never fully will but i dont see the alternative. i dont understand anything. i cant shake the feeling its not supposed to be like this and that i should be different.
this time ill try to stop shitposting for good. i think interacting with others makes me weak. and there has never been anyone that has not been tormented by the mere concept of my existence or the sight of my posts.
I don't believe in God or the supernatural but on some days I just can't help but think that I am cursed.
The number of people I know who do mundane jobs and are incredibly intelligent (either in terms of conversations with them, or in terms of their credentials) is staggering. The misuse of the incredible intelligence of each and every one of us is a fundamental characteristic of modern civilization, it seems to me.
Anyways, are you seeking proficiency? Is your goal here for someone else to say, "Ah, that anon, he's really good at X."?
wasn't sure where to post this but i was skipping around this vid randomly and came across this parthttps://youtu.be/Xk8Wxlqc_7w?t=2303
people live their whole lives believing in spooks
If you need someone to talk with or ask questions I could potentially provide this
Just pick a medium of communication
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a grocery store cashier for your entire life. As long as you make your own goals and accept yourself for who you are that is ok. It doesn't matter one bit what other people are doing.
>go to do something
>dad picks it apart
>call him out on it
>goes on for ages about how he is always rational and never picks me apart, while finding new ways to pick me apart
No sleep again for me last night. This is the norm now. Only high doses of sleeping pills can get me anything and then it's usually just a couple hours tops. I don't even know how I'm alive right now to be honest with you. I wonder if I'm dying.
For me it's the opposite. I always sleep too much and then feel miserable and drained the whole day. And no kind of alarm gets me to stay up earlier, even when I have to stand up to make it stop I just rush to bed again and fall asleep sooner or later.
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