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File: 1597004554969.jpg (96.81 KB, 640x480, 4:3, anton-cheglakov-z5-aedan-c….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

 No.226115[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

 No.226121

File: 1597005196331.jpg (157.31 KB, 1024x870, 512:435, zz.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I feel persistent anxiety and SSRIs do nothing to alleviate it. This, of course, is accompanied by horrible depression.

Don't know what to do other than indulge in any drug I can find to feel normal for any amount of time possible. I beg for anything to make me feel better

 No.226123

File: 1597005306202.jpg (41.96 KB, 600x400, 3:2, depositphotos_10384607-sto….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Even browsing the web is becoming too exausting. I just want to be able manifest myself properly and focus in one activity to forget everything else. I don't want to be useful for noone just for myself. I'm too tired of giving my opinion into things like if matters.
Always sleepy, half coherent.

 No.226136

>>226135
Because I had severe depression for 5 years and was cured.

 No.226137

>>226135
>metaphorically kill myself and become someone else entirely.
And how do you intent to do this?
>>226136
It's over for us 10+ yearsers

 No.226147

>>226135
Depression can't be cured. Once you gleam the inner evil of the universe nothing can fix you. You're irreversibly broken. All that's left is drugs and masturbation

 No.226148

File: 1597020009428.gif (825.63 KB, 500x265, 100:53, dr.evil air quotes.gif) ImgOps iqdb


 No.226151

>>226148
I've been staring at your reply for at least 5 minutes and I have no idea what you mean by it.

 No.226152

File: 1597020460262.jpg (49.74 KB, 636x475, 636:475, 1587941650595.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>226151
Eh, interpret it however you'd like.

 No.226155

Drinking to feel something, such an amazing life

 No.226164

Even after years I can't identity my mood swings. These exercises and techniques to build self control and awareness aren't really helping too much. The moments of normal functioning always made me slightly believe I could control it but I guess not, the future is going to be me as a weak crazy fuckup. Oh well.

 No.226184

The only time In my life I've ever felt good is when i'm high off my ass on drugs or drunk. Nothing else makes me feel good.

I've tried very hard to not be an addict but I think alcoholism is preferable to being a depressed nothing every day.

 No.226196

File: 1597078591397.jpg (4.71 KB, 143x185, 143:185, latent corruption.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>226135
>can't be cured

Please stop meaning that your unutterable case is appliable to any others.

Why is everyone insisting that diet is the main point? They were fasting and the holotropic thing… and even I admit to need a long time for fasting to work.

About the breathwork, that can require some number of sessions or only one. A pity the thievous prices of the gatherings.

We have no other remedy than faith, since some of us have left suicide apart for good.

 No.226202

>>226196
I saw that holotropic breathing video and people were screaming and thrashing their bodies, it did not look healthy at all

 No.226212

>>226210
> the flesh and the mind are separate.
This is demonstrably false. the entire premise of the placebo effect runs contrary to this. Not saying that eating some carrots and breathing is gonna "fix" you, but your physical health definitely does affect your mental state. imagine if someone beat you for hours every day, surely your mind would be negatively affected.

 No.226213

>>226212
>imagine if someone beat you for hours every day, surely your mind would be negatively affected.

In that case, the stressor is clearly external and there is no doubt in the person's mind that eliminating that stressor would also alleviate the accompanied mental suffering. However, cleansing your colon and avoiding certain types of food can only possibly alleviate problems with food sensitivity and other physical problems. I doubt anyone here is depressed because they're chronically constipated.

Mental disorders clearly originate in the mind and its internal organization. The problem of "curing" depression is always a problem of development, how to get from mental organization A to mental organization B. How does avoiding mucus-less food and fasting help you do that? Aside from a magical explanation, you could make the argument that an improved diet gives you more "energy" but in that case, you still need to direct that energy somewhere useful and a diet can't provide that knowledge.

I don't know why people recommend "diet and exercise" for mental problems. It's as though they think depression is just being fatigued and constipated - "well, no wonder you'll all sad and don't wanna go outside bro!"

 No.226214

>>226147
Define "inner evil of the universe"

 No.226215

>>226214
Parasites parasiting eachother

 No.226216

File: 1597103051729.jpg (7.19 KB, 213x160, 213:160, cover.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>226202
That's why its taken by sessions and not day after day, I guess

>>226210

>flesh and mind are separate

Well that was ashaming to read

>Faith


I mean faith in something away from this obnoxious state. I do _believe_ by the way, and its not comfy at all.

>>226213
>diet as a helper

About this all I can only invite you to Ehret's book… which I do not follow entirely since a bit of meat never harms me. And because fasting is the main thing, rather than the diet.

According to him, yes, it is mainly being constipated. For any symptom that comes exclusively from the mind, the breathwork should do.

About diets and mental issues https://www.verywellmind.com/gluten-and-schizophrenia-562957

You'd understand this better if you read him, along with "Grain Brain" form David Perlmutter.

After reading them all my idea is that schizoid brains,like everyone here, may have mind causes mainly yet still lots of clustered physical misbalances inside the brain (previosly generated to the moment of going down permanently) … psychosomatic issues, I mean.

>>226213
again I rest that describing the whole list of methods as if "diet and sport" were, is a horrid bias.

 No.226219

>>226214
It would be difficult to explain. Obviously not many share my feelings but I have a deep, pessimistic view of the universe. It causes me no small amount of stress and anxiety. The world is full of suffering, and either we die and are gone forever or we are eternal. Either case is unimaginable horrifying.

 No.226225

>>226219
In my experience these feelings still are a good sign for your mental health. It's when they vanish and only emptiness remains that you know there is no turn back.

 No.226230

>>226215
That's just the way it is
Some things will never change
That's just the way it is
But don't you believe them :))

 No.226253

>>226225
Agreed. I am almost feeling nothing at all regarding even the most "I have no mouth and I must scream" interpretations of the cosmos as compared to say, 5 years ago. And yet I feel worse and my psychological and behavioral state is way worse than back then.

 No.226277

>>226273
That's just grain/mucus wiz, don't get flustered about him.

 No.226284

let go, open your eyes, understand reality as it is, free yourself and do whatever you want - they say

but half the time you don't want anything, or reaching it takes a fuckton of actions you don't want at all

 No.226294

File: 1597199105515.png (160.9 KB, 361x470, 361:470, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I honestly thought I'd get better you know, I really did. I was never a hopeful person but I kept trying when I could to get better. But it's not going to happen. Probably halfway through my life and I'm still struggling to maintain any sort of order in my own head and everything is getting worse in terms of health. Failing while paying full attention and putting full effort in, what a waste of time.

 No.226299

File: 1597205288326.png (144.14 KB, 372x361, 372:361, 1595817105802.png) ImgOps iqdb

I have to go to my cousin's to celebrate one of her kid's birthdays on Friday. I'm dreading it for a number of reasons

>The succubus (who's party it is) is moody.

>The other kid is annoying as fuck. Talks loudly, and doesn't stop. Any attempt doesn't work (for long, or at all). Moreso than most kids, even. He is
>I have to work that night, and the night before. It'll interrupt my sleep,as well as my general routine before work

The boy seems to gravitate to me, for some reason. I can't wait to hear him yammer on about nothing for a couple hours before wage slaving

 No.226303

>>226299
>>I have to work that night, and the night before.
Then you have an excuse to leave after just an hour or two of suffering?
At family functions I usually kind of just slither out after a couple hours without saying anything aside from telling my mom I'm leaving

 No.226305

>>226299
>I have to go to my cousin's to celebrate one of her kid's birthdays on Friday
>I have to

You have to be 18 to post here, kiddo.

 No.226307

>>226196
People who fast can often report organ pains in the kidneys and liver even as soon as 24 hours, let alone the 3, 5, 7 and 10 day fasts that are undergone, which can lead to permanent organ damage.

 No.226308

>>226210
>Rejecting the false gods and searching for the divine on your own terms and keeping your findings hidden is absolutely admirable though.
Can you speak more on this, have you managed to do it?
Fasting may help quicken process in this area actually

 No.226309

>>226219
But doesn't that comes from a skewed worldview?
Not to judge, as i feel exactly the same way, but i do question my conclusions, as they come from a brain that is predisposed to see the negative side and not get any joy for the good things that happen.

 No.226310

>>226273
>Am I the only one here who's first choice in solving a problem is to think and utilize introspection
Yes. First choice is always science and research, followed by an internal check.

 No.226311

>>226284
>let go
What does this even mean? It takes effort just to barely survive on this prison earth

 No.226333


 No.226334

>>226309
The bulletproof argument for the world being horrible is the fact that physical pain exists.
https://efilism.fandom.com/wiki/Efilism_Wiki

 No.226335

>>226334
Wouldn’t the fact physical pleasure exists negate that? It’s the same reasoning.

 No.226336

>>226335
… just no.

 No.226338

>>226336
Well go on, tell me why. If existence = bad because bad feelings exist then why does it not follow that existence = good because good feelings exist?

 No.226339

>>226338
Read the fucking article and fuck off.

 No.226340

>>226339
It’s not an article it’s a whole fucking wiki. Use your own words.

 No.226349

>>226334
>bulletproof
eh, I don't think so. What it says is nicely put, but it's still fundamentally arbitrary.

 No.226351

>>226349
To add to this, "the world being horrible is the fact that physical pain exists" is valid only for people that give to physical pain a "horrible value".

 No.226356

>>226351
Wish i could look at what value you would give it while being sadistically tortured.

 No.226361

>>226356
Yeah, I think it's weird how people think pain is good when they read some books that said it is and "feel the burn" while working out or something. There was another thread where the guy said he works at a hospital and talks about how the natural deaths are super painful. It feels like a weird larp take to say pain isn't bad. Like how sheltered can you be?

 No.226363

>>226334
>Fandom.com

Yeah, no.

 No.226368

>>226356
>>226361
These statements would be sensible only if every single human being's life was entirely made by the most utter, sadistic tortures ever concievable from cradle to grave, which isn't the case. You obviously might think otherwise due to the high negative value you apply to pain, suffering or whatever you want to call it. Suffering exists in degrees.

 No.226369

>>226368
To add to this, the core of the discussion here is all about how "bad" is pain. For you >>226356
>>226361 the fact that there is a quite good chance that we'll suffer a lot of pain during our life is enough to invalidate it completely. To other, it's not enough to invalidate it. And trying to say "yeah, but if you get tortured sadistically you'd want to die to escape it.", it's most likely true. But again, in everyday life, we aren't sadistically tortured, except in the most unfortunate cases. And even those cases are far from an ideal absolute worst case.

 No.226370

File: 1597259260142.jpg (285.33 KB, 800x420, 40:21, room.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>226115
>regretting the past
>disillusioned with the present
>hopeless for the future
i feel this persistent knot in my stomach, and it's mildly nauseating

it only goes away when im distracted with something, so i typically find myself bouncing around on the internet to keep it all at bay. im not "happy", but at least i dont have to come to terms with "how it really is"

 No.226373

>>226369
This kind of discussion is pointless anyway since it's in the realm of subjectivity. Some will see it as shit, others not, others somewhere inbetween. Nothing complicated

 No.226374

>>226309
All worldviews are skewed anon. If I'm happy, it's going to affect my perception of the world. I'm trying to see things objectively best I can.

 No.226377

It takes a naive person to declare that, counting all the history of life on Earth, "good" outweights "bad", or that they are anywhere near being balanced.

 No.226378

>>226377
Secularists have no ground to stand on to defend optimism. Only Theists have a chance and there's huge problems with that as well

 No.226379

Why do doctors always recommend therapy? Some wont even see you if you dont do their therapy program, even if you tell them you tried therapy for years and its not personally helpful for you they still push it and tell you 'this time it'll be different', then it's never different it's all the same. Therapy is the biggest scam, I can't see it being useful unless you are like some normalfag that can just run their mouth endlessly. Whenever I did therapy sessions it always turned into really awkward conversations where I'd sit there and there'd be really long drawn out silences because I have nothing to say or the therapist has nothing to say to me

 No.226380

>>226377
I'm sorry to be That Guy, but that depends on one's personal definition of Good and Bad

 No.226381

>>226379
There's a divide in therapy. Some see it as a set of well-tested strategies for treating mental diseases (Cognitive behavioral therapy is a big one) or they see it as a personalized "Plan" tailored to each patient. Doctors of the latter sort see you as a puzzle that needs to be cracked and past failures are just an example of incompetent therapists who didn't "Get" you.

 No.226382

>>226380
We're talking about such insane amounts of suffering that even if we ignore the details in definitions and try to be "somewhat" objective - you know which one wins.

 No.226384

>>226382
If I try to be objective then neither wins because they don't exist.

 No.226385

>>226384
This. Trying to quantify good or bad is useless as those things are just constructs humans have erected. The universe is uncaring and unfeeling, our labels don't apply to it.

 No.226387

>>226385
I couldn't have put it in better words. The universe simply is. It's our minds that cause us to imagine all that stuff.

 No.226388

If I didn't have to look after my mother I would have killed myself a decade ago and to be honest nothing really happened in the last decade that makes me feel like I would have missed out. Sometimes it don't get better.

 No.226391

again, when a psychopath removes your teeth with pliers one by one - i'll watch you say none of this is real.

 No.226392

>>226391
Pain is real. Evil isn't.

 No.226399

>>226392
when a psychopath removes your teeth with pliers one by one - i'll watch you say pain isn't bad

 No.226402

>>226399
…Judging by your replies this is likely a question of semantics. Define pain and evil/bad.

 No.226408

Does anyone else suffer all the time and just have a general sense of being ill fitted in your skin so to speak, can't quite describe it

I never feel comfortable in my body and never feel content, i get headaches, i feel warm allot, i just don't feel comfortable at all
i don't care about dressing up, i don't care about clothes because i never feel good in my skin
If i go outside for a walk i don't enjoy nature or being "in the moment" because i just don't feel well like physically
I'm not fat either btw, even when coming home from work or at work i just don't feel comfortable

I don't have a clue wtf is wrong with me, i'm also quite ugly. It's not body dysmorphia it's not a delusion

 No.226409

>>226333
So if i let go completely, my life is going to become a car crash experience filled with chaos?
Sounds about right

 No.226410

>>226408
Sounds like general anxiety

 No.226411

>>226339
How about giving some facts?

 No.226412

>>226410
not sure it has anything to do with anxiety

 No.226413

>>226374
That's what i'm asking too, how to see things objectively?
And don't say meditation, i tried that and turned into a drooling zombie with no thoughts of my own.
Meditation is a mind-control trickery

 No.226414

>>226408
Yeah, It's anxiety for me like that another anon said. I just feel 24/7 on edge, uncomfortable and on the verge of a panic attack

 No.226415

>>226385
>The universe is uncaring and unfeeling
And you think this is neutral?
I suppose you think a piece of meat rotting on a plate is also neutral?
Your body decomposing after death, that is also neutral too right?
You amoral materialists really grind my gears with this willful ignorance.

 No.226416

>>226402
Having your teeth pulled by pliers is a question of semantics?
You relativists are a lost cause

 No.226417

>>226415
Yes. how can it be anything other than neutral? So what if some meat rots?

 No.226420

>>226417
Just really think about what i am saying, please, try hard, i know your relativism has 'rotted' your brain, but try hard to think why rotting, decomposing, suffering and torture are bad things, i know it's hard, i know.

 No.226425

>>226420
Why specifically is decomposition bad?

 No.226427

to be clear, that >>226404 was my last post, this >>226416 is another dude wasting his time with you idiots

 No.226428

>>226413
Objectivity doesn't exists as our perceptions are axiomatic as well.
What we take as objective is what is accepted by the majority as true.

 No.226429

>>226415
>>226416
Yes, the universe simply is, regardless of what we think of it.

 No.226431

>>226428
Better than that, what we take as objective is what our perception elaborates. But what if it wasn't reliable?

 No.226432

>>226420
kek why do you hate relativism so much? do you want some dogma to squeeze some validation from it? hah!

 No.226434

The proof that good and evil exist is the existence of conscious beings. Why do you disagree with me? Why do you do anything at all? Because you think it's better than not doing so.
If the universe really was neutral and amoral like materialists think, there would be no life.

 No.226435

File: 1597272481282.gif (222 KB, 400x253, 400:253, squint.gif) ImgOps iqdb

>>226427
>caring this much about who's who on an anonymous website
Okay.

>>226434
>If the universe really was neutral and amoral like materialists think, there would be no life.
The universe, being neutral and amoral, has no reason to prevent life.

 No.226436

>>226305
I'm over 18. Well over. I realize I can just not go, but it'd be impolite to just not go after agreeing to.

>>226303
Yeah, I'll just leave after an hour or two. One positive about it. Still not looking forward to it

 No.226437

>>226434

What interests me would be the concept of the creation of "good" and "evil". What would come first, existence or these philosophical concepts?

If the universe holds nothing, then what even exists? There's nothing to be harmed, so how could there be evil? Once things come into existence, only then can bad things happen and only then can good and evil be quantified. Then we can judge whether good and evil and whether creation is good or evil.

 No.226438

Who
>given up
here?

 No.226459

File: 1597328626555.jpg (462.82 KB, 2500x1667, 2500:1667, Na-Pali-Coast-Night.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Never in my life have I done something of my own accord. I've just been a hollow shell that other people stuff their own ideas into. I don't remember ever really wanting anything besides an easy, painless death.

 No.226466


 No.226468

>>226459
you're like me. Based.

 No.226484

>>226438
My temporal view is so small. I just take life day by day and never think about the future. You have to give up on life in my position or you'll go insane

 No.226492

>>226429
Don't be retarded and stop baiting, i am done with you now.

 No.226493

>>226427
I know i am wasting my time with these brainrots, but relativism rustles my jimmies like no other, and they know they are doing it, just acting like retarded atheists on purpose because they think it's high iq to ask for definitions and 'muh uncaring universe'

 No.226494

>>226428
This is just incorrect and i have no idea where to start with this

 No.226499


 No.226503

I don't get why my mom does this, but occasionally I'll take a small amount of benedryl before bed because I've been having trouble sleeping, and she'll walk up to me and ask me what I'm doing, then I tell her and she looks away like she's utterly disappointed in me, shaking her head like I just did something utterly reprehensible. I don't get why she does this, this medication is a sleep aid and she even uses it sometimes too, but she makes me feel bad when I just want to get some sleep. I don't know what her deal is, but it seems like she just wants to make me feel like a criminal for no reason.

 No.226504

>>226503
It's just petty dominance posturing. She probably either senses that you feel self-conscious about taking it or she feels self-conscious about taking it and is projecting. Either way she thinks she has found a "weak spot" and is attacking it in order to gain social power over you. I'm guessing that your mom had an unhealthy childhood herself.

 No.226505

>>226438
That implies that I tried in the first place

 No.226520

How do you guys deal with nightmares

 No.226521

>>226520
Easy, i piss myself and wake up.

 No.226531

>>226521
Do you wash the sheets or just let the piss dry?

 No.226534

There's nothing I enjoy about life. Not a single hobby, piece of media, or person brings me any time of fulfillment. There's no reason to stay alive but here I am.

 No.226536

Is it so wrong to want an easy life? I'm not even talking about becoming a NEET for the rest of my life, even working a 9 to 5 seems so peaceful compared to my current situation. My father died, the parent that should have died instead is an emotionally abusive nag, my sister despises me and told me today that I make her want to commit suicide, I have CPTSD from severe bullying, and my supply of psychedelics have run dry. As much as I despise normalfags, their lives seem so easy and carefree. I really just want to unfuck my head after 10 years of suffering. Fuck, I've prayed so many times for God to extend my life to make up for the decade that was stolen from me, but I'm never going to get my childhood back. The psychedelics have helped a bit, but I'm still nowhere near to being cured. Maybe part of the reason I hate normalfags is because I hate myself, but it's so hard to love yourself if everybody is against you. When I had my first drug trip, I had a massive revelation on how the human mind works. I saw that the human mind was a series of feedback loops, where the mind responds to a situation and the loop reinforces itself after responding. The role of a therapist is to teach you how to make new loops to overwrite the bad ones, but the psychedelics stunts the loops and makes changing them possible. I can only hope that psychedelic therapy gets legalized soon so I can be better again.

 No.226569

>>226534
try some stimulants you obviously have a chemical imbalance (lack of dopamine)

 No.226570

>>226569
this is good advice but stims can overstimulate and make you dumb shit so you'd have to do minimal amounts and try to stay self-aware

 No.226573

>>226531
No washing, cuz like in Inception, the smell of piss from the real world reminds me that it's all a dream.

 No.226574

>>226534
How many persons did you try?

 No.226593

>>226569
I would gladly get addicted to any drug in the world if it could add some color to my boring life

 No.226609

>>226593
Wrong again, brainlets like me and you are not allowed to take drugs like normies because they actually make us worse.
Having good dopamine and serotonin levels help you enjoy drugs better already.

 No.226623

>you're enjoying your comfy wizlife
>as you take a nice walk in the woods to take in the beauty of nature you see something large digging its way on the surface
>it's a warlock!he speaks to you
>"Ehhh, since there's a chance that a psychopath could capture you and pull out your teeth, you should kill yourself now hehehe"
>after that, he immediately burrows again in the ground
>you walk away pitying that poor soul cursed with faulty logic

 No.226624

>>226623
Eh warlocks want conflicts and violence not shutting or killing yourself, you got the term backwards

 No.226625

>>226593
>>226609
Take psychedelics.

 No.226626

>>226593
>>226609
It's pretty much impossible to not feel good on an appropriate dose of opiates

 No.226633

>>226334
jeez, I'm an antinatalist too but this site is just shit written by an edgy teen. don't put shame on our ideal dammit. you even got your ass handed by some rando in this thread, you suck

 No.226634

>>226420
>tries to argue with a relativist with subjectivism
relativists have rotted brains but holy shit you don't have one at all.

 No.226635

>>226634
nice bait, but i'm not taking it, you samefagging brainrot relativist!

 No.226652

>>226637
I wish one day we could all get along, no hostility and only reason. We shouldn't be like 4chan but we shouldn't be too nice like Reddit, we seriously need a balance on this site.

 No.226656

Nobody cares what I do. And the ones that care don't have any statistical influence. Based on statistics I can do whatever I want and nobody will care, people only care about celebrities and politicians and the like. I have statistical freedom and as long as I don't commit a crime nothing I can do will ever be of social interest. Me being NEET is of no value, good or bad. It's just what is it and won't have any consequence to anyone. I really like this idea because it takes away the guilt and shame. Adding to that, I didn't choose the world in which I was born. I owe nothing to nobody. It's pricinpal lack of responsibility.

 No.226660

>>226625
No idea how to get my hands on street drugs. If I did I'd be fucked up every day.

>>226626
Sounds good to me. What do I have to lose?

 No.226667

>>226666
That's a lot of sixes and a nice pic of Gein, so I have to ask. What dark fantasies?

 No.226668

Few months ago a wiz announced on the crawl thread he was going to get baptized. Just wondering if he's still here and if his life got better after offically becoming a christian.

 No.226673

>>226667
>>226666
>>226668
>>226660
fuck satan

 No.226674

>>226115
I don't even know what to say
there is nothing really
It's like my brain isn't functioning properly or whatever

 No.226675

>>226666
El diablo Ed.

 No.226676

File: 1597611919170.jpg (52.21 KB, 713x1120, 713:1120, ac8200f3f5f2695d9d83b31964….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

But in the end, we all were the same, no matter what we believed in.

 No.226679

>>226676
>But in the end, we all were the same, no matter what we believed in.
Unless you ask a christian, then they think you go to hell and they don't. Or ask a jew. Or ask a muslim.

 No.226730

https://twitter.com/joshtpm/status/1295436275470696448

I just watched this and felt bad about myself because this guy is basically the same age as me but is already chief of staff for DHS. Kind of shoots my image of myself of just a kid who is still trying to figure things out full of holes. I'm not a kid and I haven't been for a decade which is actually a lot of time; enough to like become the DHS CoS. I hate myself for this, I want to not care, I want to not compare myself to normies, but it happened instantly and unconsciously.

 No.226761

>>226730
It was never meant to be.

 No.226765

File: 1597760776517.jpg (41.65 KB, 540x540, 1:1, 15420850_1174810612614039_….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I've been living in an utter sadness for almost a month now, pills are not effective anymore (not like they were a BIG help before anyways). Today I'll get a new prescription from my psyachistrist and I couldn't feel worse. The thought of having to desperately depend on medication to lower at max 10% of my mental shit is suffocating. I feel hopeless, empty as fuck and can't imagine myself going through another year like this.

 No.226786

>>226660
I make my own psychedelics with Morning Glory seeds. You build and lose resistance very quickly, so you have to wait a week or two in between doses, but the high lasts multiple days for me. Besides, I'm Canadian, so I have legal weed. Just make sure you get unsprayed seeds so you don't die of poisoning, which is a very awful way to go.

 No.226806

>>226786
Teach us how to make from Morning Glory, i have 25 seeds

 No.226819

Everyone who forces another living being into this mess should be purged. Animals don't have consciousness so they are excluded from this rule. How the hell can anyone think it's a good idea to force more consciousness into existence. That's violence.

 No.226821

>>226819
Life wants more of life. Everything that lives wants to live and wants to give life to others. That's not necessarily a bad thing. You see, what makes person question life, and eventually deny it is intellect, not consciousness. Not one information that goes to your brain is right or wrong. Thinking about things is like a prism, casting various colors on what you are currently looking at. And what you think also casts colors on other things. It stays there. You choose what stays and what goes.

Also, people usually don't think about ethical aspects of birth, at least not in as broad sense as you mentioned. Thinking would rob them of their comfort (sanity?), I think. I mean, why people have consciousness? It's incredible, for me at least. Yet most just talks about work, neighbors, shopping, etc. How come they never wonder?
I guess it's good for us to question things after all.

 No.226869

>>226821
It sounds like they are not really alive to begin with.
Imagine if i could pass through life and not even question anything…

 No.226878

I have deeper wrinkles on my face now than people in their 60's. I have no idea what is going on. All sorts of weird shit started happening to me, my ears ring constantly, my gums are constantly inflamed, I feel super dehydrated no matter how much water I drink. My penis even changed appearance and texture. The doctor just ignored me and spent my entire appointment just explaining random shit like how tests work that I didn't need to know. I literally didn't even get to mention half this stuff in an hour long appointment because of the random shit he wouldn't shut up about.

 No.226880

>>226878
Maybe you should bring your penis out next time, sometimes doctors need to see instead of hear

 No.226884

>>226878
Some doctors will ignore your real condition, especially if you are ugly. Best to go to public clinics in your area and get 2nd and 3rd opinions because it sounds like bacterial infection but might not be.

 No.226886

>>226878
Chi imbalance

 No.226933

File: 1597994912320.jpg (1.09 MB, 1024x2560, 2:5, e.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Hiroshima landslide
>After the funeral of a childhood friend who was a video creator, I searched for belongings with my best friend from morning till night for several days. I wanted to find the computer he was using. I cried when I dug from the soil on the last day in a situation that can only be said to be a miracle (lol). Found 80m downstream from the site.

 No.226940

>>226933
Can it still run Minecraft?

 No.226943

I wanted to whine about something but I don't even know which of the many problems, self-denigrating monologues, and negative emotions I am currently experiencing should I choose to write about.

 No.226957

Meditating and convincing myself this world is a simulation. Need to escape this current conception of realty and protect my brain.

 No.226958

>>226957
now that's a clever bait

 No.226960

>>226957
meditate on the fact that if time is infinite in the past, it implies lives are repeatable, so the present moment becomes das schwerste Gewicht.

 No.226961


 No.226962

>>226961
Read some of the book and it sounds terrifying.

 No.226965

File: 1598054221833.jpg (43.06 KB, 960x540, 16:9, nosso lar.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>226147
>inner evil of the universe
does not exist
all you see is your own self, projected outwardly.

 No.226968

>>226960
Yeah and if the future is infinite you'd also get the same thing. Heck even if it wasn't infinite you could still be the one guy in a time loop. And if not that, they could still squeeze a ton of repeats into the time available. And so on and so forth forever.
These are the dumbest what ifs around.

 No.227010

>>226428
Cogito ergo sum. Prove to me this isn't objective.

 No.227016

>Graduate college
>Spend the next 4 months looking for jobs
>Only 1 interview at some shitty customer service job
>"We'll call you if you get the job :)"
>2 weeks later nothing
Ugly people get filtered so hard in the job market, it's insane

 No.227033

>>227010
Sum ergo cogito.
Being>Logic
Logos>Being
God=Logos
One>God

 No.227034

>>226965
there's no difference between those but thanks for the hot take, retard

 No.227036

>>227010
>>227033
Cogito…
Cogito who?
Who is thinking?
>I am.
And who are you? What constitutes your being?

 No.227038

Mornings are the worst. The absolute fucking worst…

 No.227039

>>227036
My thinking does :^))

 No.227082

>>227036
Apply it to yourself. You think therefore you are. Can you prove to yourself that you don't exist? No, you cant. The simple fact that you think proves you exist and therefore is undeniably an objective truth.

 No.227087

>>227082
Not him, but to the best of knowledge, many philosophers, from Hume to analytics, have attacked Cogito Ergo Sum on the basis that it presupposes the meaning of the words "I" and "exist". For example, Descartes thought the "I" was some sort of atomic entity, but the mere fact that it might not be the case proves that his Cogito is not aprioristic knowledge.

 No.227090

>>227082
>>227087
Once upon a time, I dreamt I was a butterfly, fluttering hither and thither, to all intents and purposes a butterfly. I was conscious only of my happiness as a butterfly, unaware that I was myself. Soon I awaked, and there I was, veritably myself again. Now I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly, dreaming I am a man.

 No.227092

>>227087
It doesn't really matter what "I" is or what "exist" is. The phrase can be reworded as "x does y therefore x exists". This of course relies on causality being true, in that the action y must have a cause x.

 No.227095

File: 1598226282479.png (1002.15 KB, 1434x1080, 239:180, ep2s2.PNG) ImgOps iqdb

All my life I have been pretty spineless and socially awkward, like not speaking a word when being with more than 2 people at once, becoming red when someone asks me personal questions, performing like shit in tests or even remotely stressful situations due to constantly being nervous, being indecisive in everything to the point of staring 15 minutes at different flavors of instant noodles in the supermarket, letting people still tell me what I should be doing, giving up everything before even trying etc.

First I blamed my abusive parents, the older I get the more I begin to realize that I won't magically turn into a confident being just by trying hard enough and cutting contact with them. Now I am over 30 and cope with alcohol and drugs daily, people either look down on me or are having pity, how the fuck do other people cope with low confidence in that age?

 No.227106

I am too much of a brain-dead hedonist for freedom. I need to be caged and made in to a drone, freedom is wasted on me.

 No.227107

>>227106
I've found that freedom in general is wasted on virtually everyone. Most people don't want or need it. People like knowing that someone other than them is in control. They like knowing that god, or the government, or their genes are to blame for something.

I was going somewhere with this but I lost my train of thought. Oh well.

 No.227139

>>227095
fake it till you make it and if you can't to do that then suicide. Unfortunately those are the only options that I'm aware of.

 No.227145

Is it possible to be so physically inactive that your heart fails? My veins are bulging out and my heart is beating weird. I've checked symptoms of stuff and the one that fits best is heart failure which is said to be much more likely for sedentary people. As a depressed neet I am the most sedentary of the sedentary, I literally spend all day in bed and have now for the better part of a decade. I didn't think it could all go to shit so quickly though, I figured I'd at least be in my 40's by the time my body started failing me.

 No.227165

Life is torment, hell. Utter hell.

 No.227222

I like to tell myself that I'm trying at life but I'm failing because I'm depressed, but to be honest I'm not really trying very hard because I'm just fucking lazy as shit and don't like being uncomfortable.

 No.227226

File: 1598381887655.jpg (72.79 KB, 860x768, 215:192, 1422081826604.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I'm running out of places to frequent online. Nowadays I only come here, play some obscure text-based MMO, watch youtube (don't have an account) and sometimes some niche reddit boards (no account either)
My world is shrinking

 No.227268

This insomnia is fucking hell. Sleep was one of my only pleasures in life, now it's gone. I'm worried it's going to turn out to be the fatal kind of insomnia too because of just how bad it is; not even sleeping pills work.

 No.227289

>>227165
I can't express it any other way. There's no flowery language needed. It's just hell. Hell every day and into forever and I'm sure after I die the hell will continue.

 No.227429

Any of you guys taking antipsychotics? Im on Zuclopenthixol and it's fucking annoying. My body is rigid,I cant sit in one position for long, cant read or write. How do you deal with such side effects? My doctor said that it will last for 2 or 3 weeks.

 No.227430

>>227429
Do not take antipsychotics for depression

 No.227434

File: 1598611667214.mp4 (2.97 MB, 590x764, 295:382, cc_65.mp4) ImgOps iqdb


 No.227439

>>227429
Do not trust groids or their mind-altering drugs. You only have yourself to blame for those side-effects.

 No.227441

>>227439
This, psychopharmacology is one of the biggest scams in the world. Especially in the UK

 No.227460

Never should have moved to turbonormville

 No.227461

>>227439
>>227429
I don't take them for depression, and I need them.
This shit is kinda scummy, yes, but I trust my doctor.
Still, you are about how in most cases you don't need meds for depression. It's weird how the first reaction is pump you up with drugs. For me, exercise and fresh air always worked and I have mild depression for most my life.

 No.227475

I don't think there was ever a point in which I enjoyed life. Sitting here trying to think, I can't find a single part of my life worth reliving. It's just been boredom or frustration from start to now.

 No.227502

>>227475
So what are you going to do about it?

 No.227504

File: 1598707410386.jpg (80 KB, 1160x890, 116:89, was jasper a wizard.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>227475
You should smoke weed. It can help lift you out of depression.

 No.227521

File: 1598712147910.jpeg (1.11 MB, 2880x1800, 8:5, avalanches.jpeg) ImgOps iqdb

Another week empty of callbacks. My mom was almost proud of me for trying to find a job. My birthday is coming around next week and the gift I wanted the most was being able to tell her I found a job. Maybe next year.

 No.227522

>>227502
What am I going to do about the sun rising every day? Nothing

 No.227525

>>227521
I'm trying, but I just can't get you
Ever since the day I left you
I'm trying, but I just can't get you
Ever since the day I left you

 No.227526

What does a robot do after understanding he's a robot?

 No.227534

>>227504
Or it can induce psychosis after only one use. No thank you.

 No.227547

God damn it. Just brainwash me in to a drone! Make me remote control! Let this body roll on as an animated coep/rpse doing what I need to do for my family and crush this consciousness! Pump me with drugs and MKULTRA me, turn me in to a god fearing citizen, just make me a functional robot. Pull my strings and make me a good man.

 No.227556

>>227534
If you're already so miserable you have nothing to look forward to, you might as well give it a chance.
I don't recommend it if you live in USA though because you can get thrown in prison for 2 years for possessing a single gram of cannabis.

 No.227557

>>227504
Smoking weed can make my anxiety worse. Not always but sometimes. I love drugs in general though. When I'm high life isn't so bad. It's not sustainable because I build tolerance so fast and I'm broke.

 No.227559

what anime is this Cogito from?

 No.227585

>>227521
your pic's thumbnail made me think of dried lava lol
i can't see it anymore tho

 No.227593

Every time my parents leave my brother and/or sister act like they fuckign own the place. blast the tv/music, invite their groid friends ever, etc.
My brother moved out, but my sister lives basically next door now so she's basically abusing the fact my parents are out for a day and a half and her and her husband are taking up the living room with their horseshit. blasting the TV and his faggot tool of a friend is over.
Cant even have peace when my parents are out. I'm so close to shooting up the whole house

 No.227629

I hate these fucking chronic pains, even when I'm not hurting I'm just biding my time expecting the pain to come at any moment

 No.227633

>>227629
there are 2 legit ways to heal: mindbody books by sarno and if it's real, bcg vaccine for horses

 No.227689

I hate every one in this fucking city and I hate everyone in the rural areas. Fuck this stupid little country too.

 No.227701

I responded to a few threads here to procrastinate doing things I want to get done, I really don't have any desire to commiserate with others about our shitty lives, I don't really understand why the people who post here enjoy doing it either, I prefer lurking.

 No.227727

>>227701
Sometimes it's nice to know you're not the only one who sees life as a dumpster fire.

 No.227733

The difference between my depressed and normal phases is so stark. My leg is infected so it hurts, I've got a headache, I'm overheating, but because I'm not in a depressed cycle it's easy to do everything. It's not fun or good but acting in the world is seamless. I could watch some bullshit video on how I'm pushing through and how everyone else is unwilling to and believe it. Yet I know in two weeks I will struggle to get dressed as my mind collapses.

Depression is just shit. Swapping between moods makes it all the more clear 99% of people have no idea what it's like and nearly all conversation is meaningless. Euthanasia is the solution. There is no language which can express the break down of the mind to people who have only experienced pushing against something. One day this will be fixed but not any time soon.

 No.227734

>>227701
Then lurk you utter sewer creature

 No.227736

sewer otter

 No.227752

>>227701
If I make a post here and someone responds it makes me feel better for 2-3 seconds

 No.227772

>>227755
Can you be nice?

 No.227778

>>227733
yes, when you're bed-ridden depressed , as in only sleep 20 hours day and stressful rage building inside the body there's no way to ease up or a glimmer hope it can get better. Getting out to do real life in that state is a crushing torture weighing on the brain

 No.227783

I need to phone in to my doctor to get a prescription refilled soon. I know it isn't overly stressful in and of itself, but it's still giving me anxiety. I really wish I never had social/phone anxiety

 No.227787

File: 1598908642353.jpg (537.09 KB, 740x852, 185:213, illust_70510584_20181029_1….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I have been turning down so many jobs in my life because of anxiety, like days before i should have started i lie and tell them i found something else, or i just don't show up on the first day, the longest job i had was for half a year

i am feeling bad for others who try hard to even get a job, still i cannot stand being in a work environment, especially always starting out at a new place is getting too exhausting, and i dont have the drive to work myself up some corporate ladder or stay too long at one place, i mean i cant even bring myself to work on the things i thought interested me,
so how can i work for others or the same as amount as others who live a much more wasteful lifestyle than me when i only want to be left alone

to me it seems everybody is judging others constantly, especially if one is even a little different, maybe everybody tries too hard to be better than others, like judging your clothes, how many relationships one had, how big of a car you drive etc.

i would like to live the rest of my hopefully not too long life on neetbux, but i know that i have to go back wageslaving to not end homeless sooner or later, so i get depressed either way, knowing that the more i fuck up and the older i get the harder everything will become either way

 No.227801

>>227793
I can't remember a day where I didn't have to carry pain with me. Debilitating pain. if I can get through a day without laying on the floor, knocked out by pain, I consider that a good day. Dissociate for 12 hours? That's good. I wasn't in pain then

 No.227812

>>227801
This pain is killing me. I really need to go to the doctor. I couldn't sleep for two nights because it's so acute. And the pain killers you get without prescription do nothing. I just want to sleep again God damn it this is hell.

 No.227819

>>227787
BYAKUGAN?!

 No.227833

>>227752
Cirilla
Pavetta
me hope you feeling better

 No.227834

>>227801
That's fucking impossible, you would go insane and kill yourself sooner.

 No.227835

>>227834
He is exaggerating for attention, nothing new here

 No.227849

File: 1598999202509.png (15.18 KB, 733x174, 733:174, 2pac29.png) ImgOps iqdb

Shed so many tears…

 No.227854

THAT FUCKING FEEL WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'VE FIGURED OUT HOW TO SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BUT KNOW YOU'LL CONTINUE ON YOUR RETARDED PATH UNTIL YOUR DEAD SO YOU'RE SCARED TO GO TO SLEEP

 No.227856

File: 1599006379361.jpg (81.86 KB, 1018x766, 509:383, ifonlyyouknew.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

A steam friend and probably the only genuine friend I have outside of family which I have been talking and playing with regularly for about two years randomly unfriended me. I've sent a request but it's been two days with no response. I was mad for a few minutes, but i've just felt hurt since then.

 No.227860

>>227856
maybe he just sold his account
no need to take those things personally

 No.227861

>>227860
He's been online and has been playing games he normally plays. His friend's list is the same too.

 No.227862

File: 1599011737615.png (5.83 KB, 640x400, 8:5, 1597725983307.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>227856
Same thing happen to me with a discord friend, call me a crab or a normie but the guy was genuinely the only person I liked talking too and he just randomly removes me for no reason. Life fucking sucks.

 No.227875

>>227856
>I've sent a request
Don't you have any pride left?

 No.227876

>>227875
it's probably his only wizfriend and has wizpast with him, so it's understandable. Remember we always go back to those places where we loved life.

 No.227885

>>227834
>>227856
You can't get attached to online friends. I've had friends I've known for 10+ years just suddenly stop talking to me. You have to accept them as just casual friends at best

 No.227887

I have so many problems I don't know where to even start. Physical, mental, psychological, social, economic, everything is fucked. Right now my hemorrhoids are killing me. I'm afraid of eating and more so of going to the toilet. Getting an appointment takes so long. I have blood every time and it keeps leaking for hours and the pain lasts even longer.

 No.227890

>>227887
Take ibuprofen, lay down on your belly, dont move much.

 No.227896

>>227890
Guess that's all I can do. Wish I had opiates though. The good stuff.

 No.227898

>>227896
there are also sprays for sore throat with a long injector you could probably stick inside there or just spray it over if hemo pops out

 No.227905

>>227887
Ive fallen into such a stupor and sickess that I groan as if asleep. Light drives me mad and darkness does the same. Just hanging on the edge but so mentally asleep with such an unwillingness to wake up and face life. In other words, full retard.

 No.227906

MOM told me im gonna be an uncle……fuck man i thought my sis was smarter than that.

 No.227909

>>227906
Mom told me to fuck off after I said that I will not attend the delivery guy when she asked if I could go.

 No.227915

Neighbor died, her unemployed son now has an appartment to himself plus his usual welfare bux (some scumbags beat him at the disco in the past so much that he became disabled).

My head and nape hurt. Death from heart attack right after fapping seems like a possible reality. Especially in these hotter days.

 No.227924

why am i even aliveasdfagldkanadkfjsddjjjjj

 No.227956

File: 1599159653285.jpg (185.29 KB, 622x900, 311:450, hhhhk.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

How do you distinguish extreme boredom and depression?

 No.227958

File: 1599163176798.jpg (8.65 KB, 229x220, 229:220, here we go again.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

in 1 month i'll be forced to quit my neet/shut-in life that lasted 1 year because of my mom. it could be worse but fuck i don't want to, i don't even know how to cope, i won't say my life as a shut-in was great but at least it was less worse than dealing with the outside world.
just thinking about it makes me sick, fuck it! and i know how things will go from now on, i'll make the same mistakes as before, too much of a loser to embrace life as an outcast, everytime i'll speak will be a failed occasion to shut the fuck up, it'll bring more unecessary anxieties than i already have. i tell myself everything will be allright, that i'll just stay quite, mind my own buisness and just live as i do today but i know myself too well to know it'll not happen this way.
fuck, i'm back to normieville guys, i had good times here, it's not really a farewell but take it as a symbolic goodbye since quitting my life as a loner means a lot to me, god what i'll miss this quite life..
fuck

 No.228014

I used to be funny. Now I'm a tired old man.

 No.228031

>>227956
two fingers in the anus and check your reaction times

 No.228046

>>228045
bit melodramatic mate

 No.228047

I hate waking up and feeling like everything is a pain or a chore and nothing is something to look forward to except sleep. Everyday tasks like eating are just chores to me lately. Rather than being something to look forward to, each day is a problem, just killing time and surviving while hoping to go to sleep, unfortunately knowing I will just wake up in the same place tomorrow. There’s really no meaning in anything or reason for me to exist, I just do my daily tasks like a robot and then sleep.

 No.228048

>>228046
You're right, I don't know why I even bothered.

 No.228052

>>228048

I read your post anon. I just have nothing to do add to it.

 No.228083

File: 1599293447301.jpg (269.5 KB, 2088x1488, 87:62, e26ea08638d4b044f84db0bdaf….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

This thread is my confessional.

A bird is born and it's very glad to be born, it grows up studying flight every day, it eagerly waits for the day it will fly, it understands and loves flight more than any other bird. One day it realizes it's a penguin and all other birds have been flying since forever even though they don't appreciate it at all; the other penguins are all staring down at the ice.

It's unbelievable, nothing bothers me anymore, at this point it's adding water drops to an ocean, it's just amusing watching things happen to this body, I feel like I'm in a FPS game, my char got killed and I've been watching it being t-bagged and ragdolled for years, I'm harassed on voice chat and my keyboard doesn't have an esc key. Just today I broke the nail of my right hand's index finger trying to open a door, its half its length, I've been told/found out I tried suicide with plastic bags when I was less than 10, was threatened to be sent to a mental ward for "bothering" a person for crying too loudly ("it's honestly bothering me", in the most obnoxious tone you can imagine) yeah you have it tough I'm in my room and the door is locked and there are louder things all day like what seems to be a couple of carpenters in the apartment above, I don't have a right to cry, almost choked on aspirin, not to mention the usual excruciating pains I feel throughout the whole day and I can't do anything but groan like a dying animal and try to distract myself from it, among other things. I spent some hours writing walls of text about interesting things I read all day, nuclear weapons, ancient Indian literature, anime, queuing theory, thinking about contributing to threads full of inane shitposts because it's the least I can do to prove I exist then delete them, I'm convinced anything I do will be received with hostility if only because it's me. It's funny, apparently for most people posting on an anonymous imageboard isn't an uncomfortable feels trip. Reading the basics of things and taking first steps in anything makes me imagine people laughing at me, "he's X years old and still hasn't done Y?" "Look at him, he's doing this instead of that". I berate myself for spending more than a few minutes reading the same page of a book. Besides I know something unexpected or catastrophic will happen no matter what I try and if I get past the initial stages and make something valuable it will be taken away from me. I try to live minimally, I don't even eat or drink every day, I utter very few words each week almost one word per day on average but things keep happening to me. I've given up, I've even given up on giving up there are things that bother me and could be abandoned but I can't get rid of them due to physical limitations. Like I installed a boring distro in a spur of the moment decision to turn around my life but I'm too fucking retarded to run VNs on Linux and I want to go back to Windows 7 but they don't sell their disks anymore. Please laugh. I'm just waiting to die, I'm not going to do anything useful ever, it should be so easy to buy stocks, crypto, get a job, live like everyone else, and then I could take advantage of the fact I have never needed a social life because I've always been denied it, I've had a lot of brain damage but if I could be promised I'll get to live with some stability for another 10 years, this a luxury I've never afforded, I'd still be able to make it to the top 10% of three or four skills. but things go extraordinarily wrong for me no matter what I try so I'm just going to live like a vegetable and not struggle. No bank account no personal e-mail no cellphone nothing. Living every day trying to guess what else can I lose and when it will happen.

This existence is torture. It's the cruelest, unfairest, ugliest torture.
My whole life I thought for myself, I tried doing what I believed is right and I arrived at all the right conclusions. I'm very proud of what I've achieved considering the circumstances but this life isn't meant to be. I've been here the whole time. I tried struggling but there's no escape. Critical bits of information percolate only so far.

Language is clumsy, I can't express myself.

I want to start over. I want a second chance.
I wish to wake up into a normal, mortal, decent human life when I die.
I want a life. I want to know what it's like to be alive.
I'm not like this, I didn't do this.
I want to live. I want to be myself. I want to show what I am. I want to watch myself. There are things I want to experience.
I hope someone is watching all of this and justice will be done in the end.
I like to think if I implore enough, if I resign living out anything in this life, the heavens will listen, if I spend all day every day recalling every injustice and everything I've been right about my wish will be granted.
I like to think what my life would be like if I had been born into slightly decent conditions. Like when I was between 4 and 13 and spent all my free time in the school library reading stem books of higher grades, drawing on the margins of my notebooks with 3-5cm long pencils, solving the same dozen factorization exercises, what if I knew about the existence of anime, paint tool sai, number theory and Donald Knuth and I shouldn't feel like a monster for having an interest in those things and being bullied for being a nerd and it's not normal to have stationery stolen from you every second month and starting life over from zero every three or four years because your retarded parents, that sort of thing. And instead being encouraged to pursue those things further like I tried but it was like a fish struggling to move on dry land, pathetically flapping its body and rolling its eyes around searching for something.

As if. I'm just a mentally ill retarded guy right haha. Law of the strongest, only the weak want laws, might makes right. Virtue, niceness, goodness, idealism is for losers. Causing pain and laughing at others, yeah now that's epic and based. Why would a god right wrongs if they can laugh it away and throw the dirt under the carpet.

This life really is torture. I can't express anything. I can't write anything being more than 30% honest because I know I'll be laughed at no matter what I do so at least I don't have to hurt myself so much. It's interesting that most people have no qualms about lying and hiding themselves behind several layers of masks or they have no problem expressing themselves, apparently the standard is either one of the two. You have no idea how easy every one of you has it, I envy basement dwellers, reading their blogposts makes me depressed because I wish I had a life that boring, that's how much this life sucks. I visit imageboards like this and others to read blogposts, they're material for my fantasies. I like imagining going to school, listening to lectures, eating three meals a day, and what I'd be able to do with a normal life, that sort of thing. but it makes me depressed and each time I do it I want to do it less. I feel dizzy when I read the about the authors section of books. Innocent sol is the only thing that takes me away from all of this, even though sitting is uncomfortable and computer screens make me tired, I can't sit still and just relax and watch, there's always a part of my body that's itching, some head or bellyache, eye fatigue. This is beyond hell. There are laws in hell, they are enforced, no one is born there, only trouble makers are sent there, everything is watched by a ruler. From where I am, Hell and Heaven are very close to each other, in the horizon.

I want to live. I want a life. I want to know what it's like to be alive. Please god.
I want to wake up into a decent life when I die. I can appreciate this world and do my business in it and get my point across and then disappear into nothingness like every other human but not like this. I hope this is some kind of reality show and whoever is watching this is having the time of their lives. I don't want to think all of this is for nothing, I can't accept reality as it presents itself, that would be too cruel. I almost subconsciously dismiss nihilism even though I know it's true. I hope in the distant future transhumans with godlike powers will take a couple thousand of their 10^50 years of life to do something about all the horror ordinary humans lived through, their wishes and correct all the evil that was done under the sun. But there's no reason why they would do that.

 No.228086


 No.228095

>>228083
>t's just amusing watching things happen to this body, I feel like I'm in a FPS game, my char got killed and I've been watching it being t-bagged and ragdolled for years, I'm harassed on voice chat and my keyboard doesn't have an esc key
Hey, well said.

 No.228100

I just wasted so much time on transcription. The audio quality on these files is so shit and I think my hearing isn't the best even with full volume. It took me forever to do a 20 mintranscription and it's not perfect. The payrate sucks. Like if I was in india, it wouldn't be bad but 8 dollars for what amounts to a fuckton of work fucking sucks.

 No.228102

>>228083
I like the first two paragraphs of your writing. Nice metaphors. After that it becomes just another wizardly post about his suffering. Your suffering is not as special as you think it is. I know that it sometimes seems that way especially because what is shown in media, youtube, most forums, books and so on doesn't seem as bad as your personal lot in life. Just remember that there are at least other wizards with similar conditions. You and your struggles are not important and that's a good thing.

 No.228121

>>226115

How do I stop getting jealous of rich people? People born into a cool life? At first I was enjoying the new Tony Hawk game but now I'm just pissed that I'll never enjoy the exciting skater lifestyle. Everything I actually get to do is "simulated".

 No.228122

I think I stopped "growing up" mentally when I was 15 years old,I'm 24 now but I feel like I'm a 15 year old teenager,I do the same things I did back then,watch the same anime genres,play the same games etc,I go to university though and there all my classmates talk about things I have never experienced like relationships or jobs or adult responsibilities,things I can't even begin to comprehend,the other day I was throwing one of my dumb tantrums over some stupid shit and my mom told me the same,that I was a 15 year old with a 24 year body,I considered this way before but what I mom said made me consider it even more.

I honestly don't know if this is a bad thing,for what I have seen the adult world is horrible and painful,full of responsibilities you never ever wanted and complex things that should't even be there,yes I may be a 15 year old inside but is that really that bad? is bad that I prefer to live through manga/anime and games instead of going outside and finding a job,a girlfriend and all the things a normal adult should have?

I was thinking about making this post way larger and detailed,I think it was better when I was thinking about what to write before going to sleep,I may write more later.

 No.228123

>>228122
no it's not bad. do whatever you want, don't do what you don't. tell your mother to go fuck herself.
just be ready to die one day.

 No.228126

>>228122
>for what I have seen the adult world is horrible and painful

Maybe at one point in your life you learned this and then stopped "developing" because you were trying to escape that horribleness of adulthood. I remember when I was young, all my peers couldn't wait to grow up, get drunk, laid, smoke cigarettes, act like criminals and sluts, and I had a complete aversion to it. Not because I was scared of these things, but I felt disgusted by it and in a way, stayed a child in order to preserve a much more "naive" and idealistic world view. Becoming an adult meant having to emulate certain societal archetypes, being a "hustler", feigning dominance, whether in strength or intelligence or beauty, enveloping yourself in tribes in order to be protected, licking up and shitting down the hierarchy, acquiring symbols of sex and power.

It seems to me that not being an "adult" these days just means not being willing to do 99% of the shitty crap the rest of society does in order to get ahead.

 No.228145

>>228102
Antipsychotics are some of the most horrific things you can prescribe to a person. The literal intended effect of them is to turn you into a zombie, and the side effects make the majority of people taking them quite seriously sick.
They should be an absolute last resort, it's honestly criminal that those things are ever prescribed to anybody who isn't, you know, _psychotic_, full-blown Jesus-delusion talking-to-gnomes crazy. Especially for depression, where they don't even fucking do anything and the doctor is just hoping that they'll dumb you into enough of a stupor that you'll stop bothering him.

 No.228146

>>228145
yeah, I was poisoned by a doctor once as well blowing up my brain. What a nice thing it is we have modern medicine that allows and promotes legal torture of the mental health professionals.

 No.228171

>>228126
That's what it is or not having the ability to camouflage. I notice on the website the gap grows exponentially between the people who blend in to society, have friends, that shit on /dep/ and so on and the actual shut-in recluse types.

 No.228222

File: 1599463109155.png (688.14 KB, 1100x1650, 2:3, tenshi.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>228102
>Your suffering is not as special as you think
I wonder about that.
Today my alt key broke, my headset stopped working, my browser refused to load this single page for ~20 minutes. When I was close to finishing my self-pitying, self-hating wall of text my computer crashed, while it was rebooting I stood up to walk around my room a little and bumped into my computer case, I wonder by how many years by HDs' lifespan has been shortened. While trying to press enter on this tiny keyboard I double pressed backspace while my cursor was outside the quick reply box.
I've been trying to make this post for almost 3 hours now. I wish I were making this up.
Things like this happen every day, in highschool people used to joke gravity is stronger near me because things broke or fell near me like plant pots.
What hurts me the most is my upbringing, I have a lot of mental problems. On very rare occasions I get to control my anxiety and such feelings, I forget about everything and live in the moment and it feels so nice, it's amazing this is the default feeling mode for most people and it's on all the time, I like imagining what I would do if I could feel normal all the time, and what's more not by forgetting things but what it would be like if they didn't exist. It's sad but the only way I can enjoy life is to stop worrying and thinking. I want to get out of this world not accept it. I could accept it with a normal life.

>You and your struggles are not important and that's a good thing

Everyone and their struggles are important and your thinking is a bad thing.
Empathy is logical.
One cannot conceive of something sadder than suffering in vain.
Think of all the people that die in war, starvation, disease, avoidable accidents.
People suffer in vain and in ignorance and then they are gone forever. One cannot conceive of something worse than that.
If I were a god I would rescue everyone who ever died to heaven. Those who suffered the most would temporarily enjoy a bonus.

I'm just otherworldly miserable and pathetic. I wish I could dedicate myself seriously to something like drawing or programming but I live each day assuming I won't get to go to bed again because I could be kicked out of home or something, I live in extreme subhumanity, mental pain, physical discomfort. I wish I could at least know when I'm going to die, so I can plan whatever life I have ahead of me. I wish more than anything I could start over and have a decent life and be myself. I would be the happiest person on Earth. The alternative is accepting the cards I've been given and manning up but this was torture beyond cruelty. It was weird and embarrassing.

 No.228223

>>228222
Well, this is pretty normal for NEETs on wizchan, but I would say in general we have worse luck and just got a shitty hand in life which is why we ended up this way.

Only difference is I've tried dedicating myself to things but my performance is so shit. Other people make much better progress and the evaluations are what matter in the end in terms of it being something that would get me money. People on here often don't get it since they usually assume putting work in provides results like grinding in a video game when that's never happened for me. More effort put in for less impact than other people's low efforts.

 No.228224

Man I gotta quit drinking coffee. It just makes me too nervous and anxious. Even though I dont' drink much coffee, one small cup in the morning and one small cup in the afternoon it does have a pretty big effect. Yeah, the caffeine high feels very good, it takes away the dullness in a way and makes me experience everything more intense and makes consuming media more enjoyable for example. And I really enjoy like the taste and smell of coffee. But all in all I'm better off without it. Like I said, I don't drink much, but I just have a hard time quitting, I've tried it so many times. Alternatives like black or green tea just dont' do it for me.

 No.228225

>>226340
are you justified in slapping a child hard across the face if you give them a lollipop afterward? Or frankly even before? You have two courses of reasonable dispute, one is to argue that all pain is justified by the presence of the slightest pleasure, and the other is to attempt to equate pleasure to equivalent measures of pain, justifying pain where an equivalent measure of pleasure is gained, which frankly I wish you fucking luck in that. Ultimately given the subjective dimension for both pain and pleasure, there are those who naturally feel more pleasure than pain, and those who naturally feel the reverse. And that brings us back to the original question: do you believe that the existence of good justifies the existence of bad as a consequence, and if so to what extent.

 No.228226

>>228222
>I broke a key the world hates me no one can understand my pain
and you wonder why people don't like you

 No.228231

File: 1599480633364.jpg (53.39 KB, 750x539, 750:539, mms hole.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Probably a cliché here, never came before.
Don't know if anyone will give a fuck, but here we go. What should someone do knowing he don't have the will to do anything anymore ? There were interesting fields to me in my youth, between 6-13 years old ; Physics, biology, new technologies, archeology/speleology… All fascinating fields for a kid (vulgarized ofc I'm not a genius) I bought a lot of books on those subjects, even when they were far ahead of the school program and dreamed with being a scientist later, having good grades and all (until highschool lol, where all motivation vanished). My mom never showed any interest in my lectures and hobbies, even asking me why I did like those things sometimes. Loneliness was for a long time accepted by then, growing up in a shitty suburb in France with dumb niggers and arabs that only searched problems with me since the beginning. The lack of masculine presence in my life was an insidious burden, since the death of my father when I was five(which destroyed my mother and her aspirations), but my sister gave me happiness, even tho she grew a bit perturbed, and we lost complicity with years. I wasn't the man of the house and never got that mindset, being a soft nerd who was spending to much time on internet since in my 14s anyway (forums,4chan etc…). It's maybe the fact that I grew up, or I burned my dopamine receptors, or was a genetic failure or all at once. Now here I am, with twenty years freshly "celebrated" (you know that pic with the depressed guy and his mom lighting up the candles) and an entire year of nothing, with no good diploma, no good skills, and no serious aspirations in life, feeling fucking guilty of being the piece of shit I have become and doing nothing about it, my mother telling me to do something I like or I could devote my time on (thx haha never thought about it), but nothing attracts me that much and everything tires me. Should I end it ? It would destroy some relatives, but I'm probably going to be homeless and miserable anyway. Never wrote something like that before, and it looks faggy reading it again. Pic unrelated

 No.228233

>>228222
> I would be the happiest person on Earth
nope

 No.228236

>>228231
You are 20? You're still a child. You have plenty of time to spare and prepare for future to not end up on the streets. Try again in five years and we'll see if you are an apprentice or just another late bloomer.

 No.228241

>>228231
I thought in Europe all you have to do is ask and they'll drown your ass in neetbux.

 No.228243

>>228236
Yeah, time can be a curse and a blessing at the same time, I'll have to try that indeed

>>228241
You can indeed but it will become more and more difficult because the economy is shit and a lot abuse of it. Also, I have principles and wouldn't accept such income for some reason.

 No.228244

>>228243
>You can indeed
>I have principles
Well then fuck you.

 No.228245

>>228244
it's just like that, I would disrespect myself more than I do now, but I get why people ask for them, not saying it is wrong. You're in america ?

 No.228246

>>228245
no, kid, i'm in hell

 No.228247

>>228246
same thing really

 No.228274

I want to eat doritos and I already have 1 bottle of pepsi from yesterday but I don't know if it's what I should do because I'm supposed to be on doritos abstinence.

 No.228276

>>228231
This all sounds normal, you are young, not that it matters. Even if you think following a certain topic like math or chemistry is a waste of time, the biggest waste of time is wallowing in misery about how you're not as passionate as X famous physicist.

Unironically the most effective exercise you can do is stop feeling guilty or thinking yourself a piece of shit. We're all just apes our parents shat out, we've done our job of having existed. You can end it if you want to, or you can keep living without any expectations for yourself. We all know being a NEET is a miserable way to live, true happiness lies in achieving goals and being active, not because we'll be rich or a chad but because that's what our brains like to do. You don't have to be guilty because you don't do those things like there's some moral imperative attached to it.

 No.228280

>>228276
>NEET lifestyle bad, normie chad lifestyle good

Wizchan 2020

 No.228285

>>228280
Thing is, that groid is right.
>being a NEET is a miserable way to live
>true happiness lies in achieving goals and being active
Both of those claims are more or less correct, for a groid that is. They are enslaved to their own meatprison, being led around with the carrot of dopamine and the stick of pain. >>228276 is merely another groid invader, come here to regurgitate the putrid propaganda that has replaced what meager capabilities for independent thought this particular groid may have once possessed. It's a mutt far beyond the years where training it is feasible, it's behavioural patterns are solidified. The mods should permaban the pitiful creature and move on.

 No.228289

>>228285
If wizchan had an upvote option you'd had my vote.

 No.228293

It feels as though the world itself has gone crazy.

 No.228299

I don't think i've ever read a philosopher whose opinion of the world was as negative as mine. Mainlander and Ligotti come close.

 No.228300

>>228299
first couple of chapters of "The selfish gene"

 No.228304

If a load of cash suddenly appeared in my room if think i still wouldn't use it to cure my body's pathologies and chronic pains - because they seem less of a trouble than experiensing a single second of shame in front of another human being.

 No.228306

File: 1599598889951.jpg (116.17 KB, 1200x720, 5:3, attention.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

if there's the same person making new dep crawl threads - i wanna ask you to add links to TCATHR, efilism wiki and whatever anyone else suggests to the OP.

 No.228309

Book recommendation:

A Man With No Talents by Oyama Shiro

>"In Tokyo's San'ya district, day laborers live in crowded, smelly bunkhouses (doya) and rise early each morning to visit the San'ya Welfare Recruiting Office, where the competition is fierce for backbreaking work that pays paltry wages. Oyama (a pseudonym), a college graduate who dropped out of the corporate world at age 40, lived in San'ya for 12 years, six of them during the 1980s ""bubble economy"" and six after its collapse. At some point, he began writing down his experiences, and submitted his manuscript to a competition ""as a lark."" He won, but declined to attend the award ceremony, and continues to live on the streets of Tokyo, albeit in a different neighborhood. He has a self-described ""inability to interact with other people,"" and translator Fowler acknowledges that even among day laborers, Oyama is particularly eccentric. But the narrative here is generally strong and engaging. To those interested in Japanese culture, this book will surely be an intriguing look at an obscure aspect of the culture."

 No.228310

>>228306
I strongly disagree with the suggestion. There is no consensus about these writings here. I looked up the efilism thing and it seems dumb as fuck to me. It's literally fandom that could have been written by an edgy teenager.

 No.228320

I am getting pretty tired of my emotionally abusive parents being the nucleus of my life. I'm not getting their support for free, I'm working in the family business. It seemed like the easiest path at the time, no job interviews, no worrying about getting fired, no jockeying for a place on the social hierarchy at work. I'm starting to think that was a big mistake, I'm starting to think that a normal 9-5 job would have been better. And I work maybe 3 hours a day on average right now. But in a normal job your boss doesn't call you up at night and yell for hours just because he's having a bipolar episode, and it's considered crossing the line for him to start frothing at the mouth ranting about how you ruined his chances at a happy life and how he's going to go on a killing spree against everyone who ever wronged him some day. And you actually get respect if you do your job well. I used to have some minimum wage jobs after graduating high school, I got 10x more respect from my bosses then than I do at this family job where my role is vastly more important.

It just hit me today how basically the entire state of my life revolves around what mood my stupid father happens to be in at the time. This entire situation disgusts me to the bone. I'm an adult, not some tumor attached to my parents. But that's the way I'm treated, always reminded of my debt to the family for raising me. There's no comfortable way out though, I've invested a lot of time and money in this and I have multiple investments under my name tying me here.

 No.228321

Why do I even bother. So fucking lonely.

 No.228326

>>228309
At least post a pdf dude.

 No.228329

>>228224
I have an anxiety disorder and I can relate, I'm addicted to vaping as well, which isn't a good idea for someone who suffers from anxiety, but as you said stimulants make things less dull and help with sadness but it makes everything a lot more stressful, I'm an alcoholic and I know if I don't atleast quit vaping wbile I am where I am once I leave it's back to drinking.

 No.228331

I feel like I'm on a conveyor belt headed towards destruction and I know what I can do to stop it. I can't decide whether I'm mentally ill, a lazy bastard or a combination of both. I just hope I can be semi-functional throughout this journey and not royally fuck it up and end up on the streets penniless.

 No.228332

I fucking hate people. At least where I'm living at. I do have hope for awesome ones. I have yet to live this shitty lil town to hopefully befriend some nice ones.

I'm on a lil neet binge until next month so I'm pretty much cooped up unless I need to go get something. So I went to the grocery store to get a bit of food. Prior to that I had an argument with my sibling. So that didn't help. I hate going outside and seeing people, humans. I fucking hate seeing them. And I hate dealing with shitty self check out robots. Fuck I hate it. I really just fucking hate them. I really do all I can say is that over and over again. I can't stand them at all. I hate people who take pride or feel good when they shit on someone younger than them and make their life a living hell. Those people don't deserve to live.

 No.228346

>>228310
Why do you care, suggest something yourself and lets add everything.

 No.228351

File: 1599650922083.jpg (14.76 KB, 692x607, 692:607, 1587590828726.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>228309
Can't find anything on libgen pls help

 No.228452

>>228326
Don't have one, sorry.

>>228351
I had to buy a copy as I couldn't find anything online. It is available on Archive.org, but you need to sign up etc.

I'm about halfway through so far, it is quite interesting.

 No.228454

>>227849
>be a piece of shit
>get shot
>people defend your shit as if you where a saint
fuck tupac and every piece of shit like him

 No.228464

>>228306
dep crawl threads aren't for depression philosophy or anything specific, they're just for thoughts great and small. i don't think adding stuff to op trying to create a theme is necessary.

 No.228466

>>228464
whenever someone really ask questions here, TCATHR could be the answer

 No.228467

>>228466
It could be the answer for you, but then the next guy comes in and link suicide hotlines to the OP because he thinks that could be the answer as well. That's why we should generals' OPs barebones.

 No.228468

>>228467
>link suicide hotlines
I don't see any problem in linking both.

 No.228496

Why you all didn't just kill yourselves yet

 No.228505

>Can`t stop thinking about how much of a loser I am
>Done nothing positive with my live so all I have are negative memories
>fantasize about the person I want to be 24/7
>Can`t fix my shit life
>Can`t change the past
Dont know what to do anymore

 No.228506

>>228505
i wish goverment sold cyanide pills, theyd make fucking bank and we would have an easy way out

 No.228508

File: 1599814925940.png (636.7 KB, 607x503, 607:503, School.png) ImgOps iqdb


 No.228575

>>228496
oh yea? you wanna do the deed for me for free? yea i fucking thought so gtfo pussy

 No.228582

I know that most of you will probably hate this. But for some it might be useful.

 No.228600

>>228582
Dr Breggin is actually very based, doesn't tell his patients to 'get over it' and doesn't give them psychiatric drugs.
Would hire if i was a richwiz

 No.228601

>>228505
You know what to do, you are just delaying

 No.228602

Getting sectioned was the game ender for me. You don't recover from that shit.

 No.228603

>>228602
You are a sovereign nation. They have declared war on you. They have trespassed and aggressed. This act of disrespect and RAPE must be answered in turn. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. You can end at least one of them.

 No.228626

this back makes me suicidal

 No.228633

File: 1599993288910.jpg (21.54 KB, 633x443, 633:443, marlon3.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I think the best advice I've ever got from my psychologist was to start using drugs. No more pep talk, just went straight to coping methods. I already found a local seller, just preparing myself to begin my ride straight down to degeneracy. Hopefully I'm dead until new year's eve.

 No.228642

just simply being alive is pain for me

 No.228668

>>228633
I don't why drugs are seen as negative. You can take them for years and keep sane and healthy. Just don't be retarded about it.

 No.228680

>>228668
yep…

>>228633
Even if you take heroin every day you can live fine for many decades

 No.228693

>>228680
some guy who took heroin and many other things for years, he has been sober for a while before i met him, i wouldn't have guessed it if he hadn't told me

 No.228696

>>227016
>Did have a job until March of this year
>Have to quit it and go back to my hometown because of family circumstances
>Being a port city, hometown doesn't need an average IT Helpdesk person
>Have experience working as a tester
>No company needs a separate person to test shit, programmers do all the work
>Apply anyway
>Get filtered after only a month, because I can't code shit, and have no sign of improvement
I've been jobless for the past 4 months as well. The only thing left for me is to either work at retail shops, or become a slave in a factory.

 No.228697

>>227095
My situation is somewhat familiar to yours, especially the part being overly nervous, indecisive, and perform like shit when it's important.
I'm beginning to learn it all over again, but time is not my ally and pressure from others is crushing me.

 No.228808

I feel a strange mix of anxiety and dread. It's baseless, in that there's nothing in my life that should be causing it. I don't want to go get it checked out, because it doesn't seem like a mental issue


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