I have an experience similar to yours. I distinctly remember a moment in my life when I was 14 years old when one day something clicked inside me and I decided I would simply lay down and rot. It was a profound resolution for a 14 yo because it entailed that I would completely resign from life and consciously give up any attempts to get out of the hole I was in. I remember thinking that I would linger on through life for as much as I could as a half-dead person until push came to shove and I had to kys myself for good. I figured it was a strategy to accelerate my condition and mentally prepare for death by completely suffocating my will to live. Now more than a decade later, I am surprised at how well I managed to keep that promise. I haven't offed myself yet, but I still have the same plan in mind. I often reminisce about that moment and think about how these words have followed me from childhood into adulthood and still resonate within me with the same intensity. When I'm faced with adversity I am often brought back to that moment and think to myself that things are going exactly as planned. Every night as I go to sleep, I mumble to myself certain phrases as reassurance that the plan is still being followed. So yes, to answer your question, from my experience it is definitely possible to cause irreversible damage to your personality just by entertaining the wrong thought for long enough that you basically will it into existence and it becomes a permanent mode.
I have a similar experience. I was probably 10 or 11 when the click happened. It was a fully conscious decision. Apparently even my parents realized something was up, as if a switch had been suddenly flipped. Not even any hard trauma to explain it. I do think it can do hard "damage" when it's self-reinforced for so long. It becomes a core of your personality and doesn't just go away. Maybe an exceptional therapist can undo do that over a long time frame, but I wouldn't know as I never came near any and it would certainly be extremely expensive.
Well first of all calling it damage is subjective, it implies you think wanting to be alone is unhealthy. I would say it’s the best for people like us who are aware we don’t fit in, it’s our bodies’ way of adapting us and modifying our expectations of life so we don’t get disappointed. That’s my opinion anyways, I’m probably missing things or wrong cause I’m really not very smart.
I also can chime in on your feelings, cause I went through the same thing, only I was older than the other posters. So in my teens and early 20s I felt the desire to try to make friends and socialize, even though i never really did. I tried a couple times here and there but it never went anywhere, I just couldn’t relate to people. I felt like I was an alien and we were in different wavelengths. After becoming blackpilled and resigning myself to a life of rotting, I somewhat quickly lost all desire to socialize. I could feel it in me, but I wasn’t sure until a certain experience occured. A year ago I attended one session of a social anxiety group since I though why not at least try to improve it, right? Well i remember sitting there surrounded by 10 other similar people and feeling absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing: here i was, finally after all these years in a setting with people who had the same problem as me, and I couldn’t care less about getting to know any of them. That was a sad day, because I knew there was no going back for me. There was no way I could undo my current state, I was too far into it.
I wish I was smart so I could type posts in an organized and well thought out way. But basically I know what you mean. I’ve thought long and hard about myself and current worldview, and it doesn’t bother me because I know it’s valid. Of course I don’t want to befriend people after being bullied and realizing how shitty this world and universe is and also how people suck and life is cruel and unfair. Why would I want to participate in it? I certainly don’t want any living thing to suffer, except maybe evil beings that deserve it. But I don’t think our current personalities are damaged, they’ve just adapted to our way of being and views on life.
It seems what we do have in common is that *click* moment when we decided to dig something deep in there for whatever reason.
Can we at least narrow the reason down ? was that an attempt at an overpowered defense mechanism ? an early blackpill ?>>233425
I highly relate to your reassurance before sleep of these phrases it makes me feel cold and detached which then makes me feel unhurtable.>>233427
I have been reinforcing these ideas for at least 10 years. its hard to see myself without them now, I guess you are correct when saying it becomes a core part of your personality.>>233431
I am calling it damage because its near impossible to undo unlike what you would call "healthy", also I understood your post even with all the chaos, Thank you.
During high school, I noticed that the average normie life disgusted me, so I decided to stop trying to fit in.
I looked like a clown while trying to be someone I'm not anyways.
Not even an attempt at making friends or socializing with others. Not even online.
I'm 26 now and things remain the same.
i've noticed the average user of this site has had the same life path>tried all his life to fit in>in high school, realizes he will never fit in anywhere>discovers chan boards in this very period of his life>drops out of school
what do you think of it? seems like most people here had a "click" in a moment in their life that made them say fuck it.
it would also be interesting to know how they got introduced to this site. in my case i remember the exact moment i discovered 4leaf (even my first post) but my first time there didn't made me stay, it wasn't before many years later that i returned to it and actually stayed and got introduced to that whole chanboard culture thing. but to tell you how and when that happened, no clue. the only thing i know is that it happened in the perfect moment of my life, it happened in a moment were the shit written there/the memes/the culture echoed in me (as if i had finally found "my" place).
and this is how this rabbit hole finally led me here (where i was meant to be i guess).
funny thing is i don't feel a sense of belonging nor do i fit in even here on the internet. i grew out of it (or maybe not since i still come here).
I really wanted to get to the root cause of this "fuck it" moment where we just decide to give up on ever trying to be accepted anymore, to tell you the truth, I started getting accepted and viewed as eccentric by normies when I stopped giving a shit anymore. Its very paradoxical but this has been my experience.
The current problem I am trying to understand about people like us is the overwhelming apathy and seeming lack of trust in anyone and anything.
do you remember anything about that click moment ?
i was already in isolation and a wizard before even finding this board and years after school so no. I also hated 4channers and all social media.
>>233743>I also hated 4channers
Same here. The best posters here are the people outside of channer culture.
being a "best poster" is chan culture though
It's weird for me. I felt like I stopped caring what happened to me long ago. I stopped trying in school, I didn't socialise, I played games all the time whenever I could, but I still mentally thought I was living a life. I actually thought I'd have a job some day and a longterm plan. It took me a year after leaving school and going into homeschooling for me to finally realise the painting on the wall for real. I definitively dropped out another year after that and now I've been a NEET for over two years.
as kid i used to hang out with people, playing sports and etc, but sometime in middle school i got broken, i remember trying to help another kid and he said "why dont u take care of your own business?" and in that moment i realized "yep, why dont I take care of my own business". This event was very impacting cuz as a little kid i used to play as a knight protecting the princess, fighting the villain and even sacrificing myself to defeat him. In one particular event i was pretending to be dead while the succubus playing as princess were crying over me, i realized that was pretty dope to be the hero, sacrificing myself to defeat the villain and have someone else crying for me, i mean, someone cared enough about me to cry for me. Anyways, after that moment i started to care about my business and pretending to be lazy for avoiding to help people and having social relationships, as the time was going by, people started to label me as lazy and things got alot worse in high school, a new school where i didn't knew any people, in that moment i got isolated and locked myself at the bedroom going out only to school. Eventually i just enjoyed to be lazy and seen as one cuz anyone was bothering me. Also, i got to enjoy the loneliness as well to the point not being able to talk with someone over 30~60 minutes without going tired. So yes, you can damage irreversible your personality but i still feel this current personality is not my true self.
And also worst if they are norm, succubus or ideologican.
That's a good question, and yeah I'd say fatigue because I was never doing much, just cruising and keeping myself above water. But whatever I was thinking back then is still a mystery to me.
2 things, a question and my own anecdote
When you guys are "rotting" what do you define that as. I'm guessing the answer is something like being NEET and doing the whole anime/vidya/chan thing where you spend your life in front of a screen in a room. But off that, how do you guys manage doing that? I've been in this lifestyle for the better part of a decade and I spend a whole lot of time just lying on the floor and staring at the ceiling from sheer boredom.
And for my own story, which might be unique considering of what I've read so far in this thread. I never really had a "switch" moment, but I recall being fairly normal in school up until 4th grade, which I imagine most of you guys were like as well. 5th grade started having no friends at all, no thought to that though. Middle School started and I actually managed to get pulled out of school thanks to autism. That was when I started to "rot". I was completely indifferent to my peers especially since I never saw them. It wasn't until I was about 17 I started going to school again and made an effort. And this is where I imagine I am different, I was indifferent, "damaged", but I came back from that. I wanted to make friends and stuff. Now I guess you can chalk this change up to the ever-changing adolescent mind, but I felt it was worth noting. And again, once I turned 20 I stopped caring and went full NEET, but not much emphasis on lack of desire of socializing, but it was there. As of now, I'm back in the whole "caring what others think" mode. I'm in college right now and am doing above-average in my studies because despite the "rotting" I still have the drive to better myself, just never in a social way as I feel there is no structure to bettering your social life as there is with stuff like working out or studying, and I struggle with lack of structure. I interact with people a fair bit since I have a job and go to school, but it's all just fleeting conversations with no value behind them, no fruition. Some people I deal with make me infuriated, but I never express it. Due to that I'm pretty sure that I will go back to that damaged state soon enough.
And one last thing. Maybe I can get out of this "hole" because I've never had the "switch". I do empathize with the concept of having a switch like decision that sticks through your life, but for me it was with standards. From a young age probably around 12, I made a decision to never swear, drink, smoke, or do drugs. And so even the very few times tempted, I did not feel that temptation as I had no disposition to do those things. I feel like that was a good choice to make, others might disagree, but no skin off my bones.
Thanks for readings. Really interested in anyone's response/thoughts.
started too early for me. I was ~9 when I saw a documentary on social behaviors and how people did things to "fit in" and "feel part of the group", those words triggered a "cynicism" for social interactions that has followed me since then. I became too self-aware to ever "naturally" fit-in again. it grew worse over time; I was ~11 when I realized I didn't care about what other people had to say. and finally, at some point when I was ~13, I got completely detached from my social environment. it has been 12 years since that, and I have not been able to "get it back", I have become this weird and bored spectator of my own life.
there has been no (conscious) self-reinforcement on my part, but the detachment feelings just keep happening. sometimes I wonder if I was born this way, or if it's that documentary's fault that I can't relate to people.
As a kid it always seemed like I was a burden on someone and when I had nothing in return to offer them then they will be resentful I existed. Growing up feeling like I always had to be a useful resource to appease others made me loathe having to play the social game. If I have nothing to give then I had better disappear like a ghost. I never grew out of that mindset and that specter reappears whenever I have to interact with others. I loathe people. I wouldn't be trusted with power if it was known I would entertain exterminating humans like pests they are. My cooperation is just an act to get through the day. I enjoy hiding away and pretending I am the only living person. The grace of others is bought with my service. That is all. I hope I do not have long to suffer this life.
Love in conditional for humans (except for maybe mothers and their kids) and even that has exceptions, so I agree with you on that point.
What I only disagree with is having nothing to offer people. this is never true, your company,experience and stories are enough of a conditional for many people, in fact I would even go as far as to say that the only people that are unloved are not the ones that don't contribute or offer but rather the ones that take without giving anything back.
I meant cynicism as the final loss of "social" innocence. it's hard to explain, but once I understood it was all fake, I stopped taking it seriously. Its weird to express it this way, but it felt like when you are reading something and at some point the writer makes such a big mistake that you cannot concentrate in the text anymore.
>do you by any change consider that behavior (socializing) sort of beneath you because of how you observed it in people and now feel like you succumb to your natural programming when you engage in it ?
that was my first perception, then I realized how pointless it was to try to avoid my natural programming. obviously at that point I couldn't return to my "natural programming" no matter how hard I tried to just let me be. I'm not smart enough to put these feelings into words, but it was as if my brain repressed that programming and turned it off. it may sound as if I miss the programming, but I don't, my life would be way worse (even unbearable) if I hadn't repressed it.
For as long as I can remember, I've felt guilt. Every time my dad, when I would see him, would take me to McDonalds, I'd feel guilty as if I didn't deserve it. Whenever I was given a toy or was taken to the movies, I felt like I shouldn't be there or have it. I have a weirdly powerful memory, and can remember back as early as 3 years old, I was just placed in front of the TV watching Honey I shrunk the kids over and over. I never really enjoyed anything "kiddie" as a kid, because I felt undeserving of happiness.
My early childhood was nothing but criticisms and putdowns. I was never hugged, as soon as I was able to not be breastfed I was basically never touched or held. My mum wouldn't let me do basic things, like making my own food or packing my own lunch, but every single morning she'd go on about how me and my little brother were hopeless, disabled, sociopathic and lazy. She'd berate us for lacking empathy and not caring about the fact that she has a hard time without support. She'd make up stories about neighbors hating us as being mean and disabled kids if we made even the slightest noise.
There's one moment that stands out a lot, my little brother got chocolate sticks for christmas and didn't like them that much, so he said mum could have them. My brother was 8 at the time, the last stick my little brother decided to eat. Mum shamed him for half an hour straight, and then on and off over the next 3 hours, for being so mean spirited to eat something he didn't even like.
My personality has been irrevocably damaged in the sense that I can't get away from my feelings of inferiority and guilt. Ironically enough, I've always been considered highly intelligent, have been said to be attractive. I'm 6'3, when I was in a psychiatric hospital last year I was tested at 126 IQ. If I get the slightest criticism, I fall apart. If someone dislikes me, I'll ruminate over it. If I score below the average at anything, I'll be hurt.
Weirdly enough, it was mixed in with good. She did buy us presents, and did take us to do sports and musical instruments. but the minute nobody else was around, she would dig in and make herself out to be a martyr. Or when certain friends were around having coffee, she and her friend would gleefully deprecate me. Her friend enjoyed doing it so she could brag about her own children and how they were doing.
I was the quiet kid and I wasn't able to handle conversation since it felt overwhelming. Negative experiences being the pariah didn't help develop that "social stock" either as I withdrew further. In hindsight it seems inevitable that I would reach this point of resignation.
They say personality is innate. And in many ways I agree. But thats just the general tendency. I find that in some ways my personality has radically changed from a lifetime of failure.
Mainly I've become an extremely cautious, pessimistic, avodiant person. And if anything as a youth I was more brash, reckless, overambitious, overconfident, grandiose. I'm a slow learner. But a lifetime of failure, eventually taught me a few lessons.
I am new to this board and I don't know how people can recognize the OP without something unique.
Would love to hear your opinion on the issue I described though.
Only a normgroid would care about getting close to people. Go back to crabchan.
>>233874>I don't know how people can recognize the OP without something unique
Well the entire point of anonymous imageboards is to not be recognized. Maybe a place like reddit is better suited for you, I'm sure they have depression subs and whatnot.
I don't want to think too much about this subject, but I just want to say that I had similar childhood experiences. From birth it was relentlessly drilled into me that I was an unwanted burden.
>>233423>Can we have irreversible personality damage ?
Sure, why not>Did I do too much damage to my own brain that coming back is impossible now ?
Probably>Did any wizards have similar experiences ?
I have up a little over 12 years ago and have been pretty much just sitting around waiting to die. I haven't changed, I don't intend to change, and the more I see of the world the less incentive I have to think my decision was wrong. I plan to ride this out doing absolutely the bare minimum to live and eventually either kill myself or die of some natural cause or accident.
>>233810>My mum wouldn't let me do basic things, like making my own food or packing my own lunch>Weirdly enough, it was mixed in with good
This shit right here is a formula for lifelong guilt. Parents with a martyr complex that accuse you of being useless while doing everything they can to limit your opportunities to prove you aren't. Worst of all, they may have some good intentions so you can't externalize your guilt as anger and maybe give you a chance at having a go at the world.
My dad would do basic tasks for me that I should have been doing myself like opening the fridge. Whenever I tried to compete with him for my independence, he'd tell me how much of a selfish, ungrateful bastard I was even over petty shit like being allowed to open the fridge or turn on the faucet by myself at the age of 17. I mostly gave up trying to fight him, and whenever he did something for me the only thing equal to my resentment towards him for stealing my independence was the guilt I felt for thinking I deserved any independence in the first place. It was fucking humiliating watching him do things for me that young children should be doing for themselves.
I also inherited 100% of my "hobbies" (vidya) and fake personality from my brother. I never even had to put in the minimal effort required to develop my own interests. Even the countless hours I've spent in escapism feel "owed," as if I'm not in debt just for the time I wasted, but for the fact that I didn't discover those games by my own will at all.
I've spent years writing about how subhuman I was, and trying to reason out how to punish my soul for the crime of existing. I'd consciously punish myself for doing anything, like turning on the lights, walking, moving my hands, turning my head, or having thoughts. It's hard to think that I can come back from this psychological damage.
The "click" for me came about in college.
Highschool was hell but I always believed there was a light at the end of the tunnel. That's what kept me going: the belief that when I made it to college, I'd be surrounded by adults who would accept me even though I'm awkward and eccentric.
But when I got to college it was no different. After that I dropped out. Tried working a few entry level jobs and it was the same thing. 10 years later and I've just been rotting.
The way I look at it now is I still kind of have that hope. Maybe it really is as I imagined it if I had just powered through college to uni and got a smart job. But that is now off the table for me.
My biggest regret was cutting off all my friends from highschool. I'll make new and better friends in college, I thought. I should have appreciated them more but it's too late now.
Everything that's part of human experience is part of the universe. It's not broken in the way a psychologist would say that a personality is broken. That would imply the universe as a whole is broken. No, in fact you are just experiencing the universe in a unique way. This is important to realize. Whatever you think might be wrong with you is a necessity, it couldn't have been differently. You have to grasp this very unique approach to life and make use of it. Remember, there was a good reason why you wanted to be alone in the first place. Why wouldn't it be possible to find a good reason to change this primary motivation? You already are aware that something is wrong. Human experience is much more flexible than you might think. Personality is just a construct and you should not reduce yourself to such a narrow concept driven by psychology students that probably are way too much up their own ass to see a difference between a flawed individual and a flawed society because for them they only see flawed individuals to make more money.
I remember I gave up while I was working at my first job after highschool
I kept up a persona of being happy/talkative always saying really dumb/autistic things in hopes of finding a true friend that I could be around with and not get headaches or feel awkward when I was around them. I eventually had a realization that the way how everyone else was acting now would be exactly the same for the rest of my life and there would be no hope of finding that coveted true friend so I simply stopped putting effort into my social persona and become quiet and lonesome I didn't really care what others thought of me all I wanted to do was be left alone.
>>233854>Mainly I've become an extremely cautious, pessimistic, avodiant person. And if anything as a youth I was more brash, reckless, overambitious, overconfident, grandiose.
Damn, that's pretty much me.
I'm not sure there was a specific "click" moment for me the way others have described it here but social rejections and being somewhat of an outcast made me consciously shift my efforts from trying to fit in to killing the desire that made me want to fit in. I started taking pride in being alone, in not competing with others and being so out of touch with their culture. Being a loner became a badge of honor. Not getting invited to their parties or being forgotten on lists and such were satisfying, since they just reinforced that I was doing exactly what I was meant to do - live by myself. And in all fairness it has helped me, shielded me from what otherwise probably would've been painful or embarrassing experiences. This indifference towards social relationships has slowly crept its way into all aspects of my life though and I've turned completely apathetic and killed what little drive or passion I had for my hobbies. Everything has become a drag, I can't remember the last time I've done more than the bare minimum needed to get by. At this point I don't even feel alive anymore, I only exist and I've forgotten who I was.
Maybe, I can't tell your Anonymage. But Im at the same point as you. Getting molested by a succubi in my teenage years and the unstable relationship of my parents had really fucked me up and Im stuck in this eternal limbo of "you can only trust yourself"
Don't be too hard on yourself.
Is not a bad thing to be alone if you have a complicated personality.
Most people suck, a lot of people are only together for the fear of being alone, but they are way more miserable.
Calm down, go to therapy if you can.
Talk to anybody.
Yes you can, I myself have delved into bad mindsets when it came to things I couldn't change. For example I always felt subhuman or ugly for the way I look and because I wasn't fully white. I don't have these views anymore but for awhile I did I always felt like I could never better my life. And that led to me wasting 2 years of my worrying about things I couldn't control.
It's only understandable that you'd want both things, since it seems natural to be able to live your life how you see fit and still enjoy your passions. I think years of introspection eventually drive you towards nihilistic/existentialist viewpoints that kill off any sort of external pressure we might have had, leaving us aimless in life. As for the "inner" apathy, interests and hobbies I mean, perhaps I'm just burnt out from years of indulging in what once were hobbies, since scarcity is what makes things valuable after all. Engaging in escapism all day is no longer exciting, it's just normal and has blended into the daily background noise. I suppose someone like me should seek out new things that might be stimulating, but I don't have the energy for that right now.
>>235517>Most people suck, a lot of people are only together for the fear of being alone, but they are way more miserable.
I totally agree with this statement from my personal experience with a lot of people I've met.
I know a whole lot of people who maintain friendships and even relationships for the sole purpose of not being alone and not because they actually feel connected to these people or because they appreciate their presence, its all about the egotistical fear of being alone and I think this phenomenon is only increasing and these kinds of flawed social interactions are most likely very mentally draining over time as well.
Never trust people on how they present themselves, they might act like they are happy and have great lives but in reality they are miserable as well, a lot of people overcompensate for their miserable lives by putting on an act online or by lying to others about how great their lives are. Most "friendships" and relationships are actually meaningless and lack any purpose.