>>241274>i wish i had a normal life
i definitely give up, it feels like losing my soul after hanging to it so well for so long, it feels like having it taken by the wind
i dont know. i wish i had another life. if i could, id have spent all of my childhood and teenage years learning programming, linux and mathematics, then go on to a nice university. i think id also waste time with drawing and music because i think i could be good at them too.
this life was hell, torture. ive never lived. i dont know. i wish i could put across everything that upsets me about this life and why i didnt get to live the way i think i should have but its way too much to be fit in anywhere. its hell and torture. i dont know. i think i had very awful parents and family and was born in awful circumstances and it ruined me. everyday was struggle and losing something and twisting my brain more and more. there are a lot of things and ultimately the most i can say is that it sucked a lot, its impossible to talk about the sort of things that happened even in a place like this, i dont know i think i have a lot to complain about. i dont know im not like this, i didnt do any of this, i wish i had a life, i just want to program and read and learn a lot, i want to tread on the same path as others, i wish i were better looking im an ogre and cant bear looking at myself in the mirror, i want to stop suffering, god please listen to my prayers, i wish i had another life, i dont know, i cant put anythign across and everytime i try its misunderstood, i hate this i hate this i hate this. i dont know. i hate this i wish i were born into a different life. i think its not my fault, ive always been told by third parties irl that im very bright and have a bright future and that im like a soldier for enduring all of this. i dont know but i couldnt endure it and i dont have a future. i dont know its too much to be discussed here but i just wanted to say i hate this life and i wanted to say i love programming, mathematics, drawing and music, thats all. im not going to do it, i think its pointless, i wanted to do this when i was a child, now im tired and i dont want to shoot below my own goals, i dont want to do this alone, i think i could have gotten to belong in a community or have at least one online friend if i had started earlier, now i can only live for myself, i dont know, its very meaningless and pointless and i set the bar too high for myself, i dont want to be mediocre but then if i want to be exceptional by the time im everything i want to be i will have cancer. i dont know im sure this is all gibberish and nonsense and boring to read im just talking to myself and youre a retard if youre reading this. i dont know i cant do it. im tired ugly poor unhealthy unlucky im surrounded by people who do everything in their power to screw with me and very stupid people. ill just play one galge after the other until i cant anymore. this could be the very worst life on earth. shit subhuman third worlder narcisitic self important crybaby baaa baaa kill yourself retard mentally ill looney faggot manbaby everything bad all the insults on the dictionary bad.
all of this shitposting for nothing
i thought i was going to do it but its too scary, i have too many fears
im just a loser then.
horrible awful shit subhuman, im the worst, there isnt anyone on earth with less character than me. i think im different and much better but i cant bring it out in these circumstances, even if i could id be alone so no one would see it. i want to die, i want this to have never happened, i want to have never existed, i want this mistake to undo itself. i hope reincarnation is real, i really love programming and drawing, there are so many things i wanted to make and experience. this was hell.
sorry im horrible. ill spend the rest of my life alone, with galge i think, i still get thoughts of changing and learning because i think i have awesome potential though it is pointless and would be very lonely.
i dont know im just a sore loser. looney freak. im horrible, im the worst, i deserve all of this. im very sorry.
Finish what you've begun. You'll have plenty of time to decide if you wish to be programmer or janitor after that.
i dot know im very afraid
i dont want to do this
i wish i had spent all my childhood and teenage years learning programming, linux and maths. nothing else, not even drawing. ive screwed my own life. i think its not my fault but ill say it is because explaining why i think it isnt would be such a hassle. so its my fault, ill say that even though i think it isnt. ive screwed my own life. i dont know, i wish i had another chance, i wish i had another life, im not like this, i think im much better, i wish i had a normal start.
when programming and reading textbooks i feel like i could move to my own world and become sort of a computer myself, and in my mind there would only be numbers, formulae, commands, and id do nothing but think of new ideas or review old concepts, i feel extraordinary and i think i could be very good, i love designing algorithms and reading about computability etc, i love memorizing and practicing functions, libraries etc. i could do nothing but that and never care again about people or entertainment or even myself, its very scary to lose the illusion of self and become completely focused on what youre doing, its like dying inside yourself and becoming a carcass, i dont know. and I think I could do that for all of my life, i think deep inside i don't need people or friends and i force myself to be like this even though its just a looney creep because im very afraid of myseld and doing what i think is purely rational and that benefits myself. i don't know.
im having a lot of trouble deciding, should i focus on computers and forget about everything else and try to grow and live for myself and make a lot of money and work on a lot of projects and realize my potential, or just forget about it and accept its too late and realize ill always have it much tougher than everyone else and accept i should have done this as a child and just play one eroge after the other as a hikki neet and then die, i dont know, both options are shit i think. i dont know how to balance, i dont know how to take breaks, i want to get lost in only one thing and never look back. i don't know im very scared, scared of myself scared of failure scared of making the wrong choice scared of dying inside myself. i want my childhood back, i didn't live my life the way i wanted to, i just got ordered and pushed around and terrorized a lot, ive never even played videogames or partaken in much hedonism its just anxiety and pressure and fear until now. im on the verge of jumping into an abyss and becoming one of the subjectively happiest people on earth but im afraid of many things. i don't know sorry sorry a lot im a subhuman im the worst the lowest im all the bad things, i shouldn't have been born in a mistake im awful. sorry.
You don't seem like a "crazy looney freak creep", for what it's worth.
sorry for talking to you and wasting your time i keep saying ill be gone forever and always come back
everything i say is vomit. im embarrassing.
everyone else, even people half of my age, make amazing things, they draw and program well, im already an old ojiisan and havent even really started with anything. ive never lived, its like ive never existed, and was born just to experience pain and feeling in a cage. i dont have a life, ive never had one, i dont know, i wish a lot i had a relatively normal childhood so i could choose what i do with my life. im free for the first time in my life and im crazy about programming, i think i would also be crazy about drawing and making music if i felt like i still have time, i loved scribbling and drawing on my notebook as a child and loved maths, i was often called the best student in school, it was usually me who was sent to represent the school in events like olympiads or inter school forums, i dont know, i think my life could have been realistically much different if it werent so awful. i think im just a retard. my own judgement is that its from 33 to 51 per cent my fault that things turned out like this. i dont know. i wish god could give me a second chance. i think im not like this. i dont want to be like this at least.
im very afraid of living for myself, im very afraid of giving up on being like other people and not caring about the rest of the world and being very rational and self-centered, i dont know if thats just what everyone else does but if i did it myself i think it would be wrong and i could grow to be a monster. i dont want that.
im definitely a looney because i feel all those things ive talked about like accelerating in a tunnel and so forth, its very scary too.
im sorry im very afraid im awful im a retard, embarrassing cringy retard. sorry.
im going to a very nice place where theres only me
im scared to death, im saying goodbye to this world
im definitely going to do it, i feel pulled to that world, i cant stay here, it seems like a waste too. here, the days dont matter and they just pass, but there every moment feels like a long time. its great.
its very lonely and cold, but free, happy and serene
i wanted to stay here and do things for others, i wanted to belong with others, idk how to put it, i know im different but i wanted to play along with everyone else, i dont get it much, why do people do the things they do, but i love others very much, so much i sacrificed my freedom and now my brain is unused to it and scared of it
i dont know it feels like ive been inside a puppet my whole life, pretending to be people im not just to maximize the time i spend with other people, it felt like being inside a doll and seeing the world through these two holes on the face, wearing a costume, speaking scripted lines, i dont know how to put it. im very afraid of showing myself so i want to be alone when i take off these clothes and this mask. and i want to be alone for the rest of my life.
i dont know im very scared and i think im making a mistake but i cant stay here with everyone else, its over and i cant delay this anymore
in practical terms, im graduating humanity and now all that matters to me is computers. ill never again talk to anyone like i used to, maybe ill interact with university staff, ill just spend the rest of my life with pdfs and emacs.
i wish i could start my life over. ive wasted my life doing things i didnt want to and feeling and experiencing horrible feelings.
i dont know im just a cringy retarded loser self-important faggot mentally ill subhuman. sorry, sorry a lot, sorry for everything, sorry.
i dont know im very scared. sorry.
Don't believe in shitty anime. Most people don't come to their senses until they're real adults. It's unrealistic to think that you're doomed because you didn't know better in highschool.
I'm in electrical engineering school right now at 29 and hopefully going to graduate at 30. Then I want to learn chemistry. I wish too I did these things sooner (in my early 20s) but I also realized I'm too hard on myself. After the decade of bullying my head wasn't in the right place that time and I needed to take time off to be able to heal.
Good luck wiz and don't give up on your dream
The problem with your definition is that it describes what not to do, but not what you should do. Also, immoral is extremely subjective from one culture to another, to one person to another.
>>241432> Most people don't come to their senses until they're real adults.>It's unrealistic to think that you're doomed because you didn't know better in highschool
in school i was extremely dedicated and teachers seemed to like me a lot, im very proud of my achievements in school (olympiads, student forums, grades, projects etc.)
if i had started when i was 8 i could have spent one entire decade studying my own way. by the time i was 18 i could have had a nice enough portfolio that i could go to a nice uni and find other people like me who are crazy about computers. if my guardians had ever given me any money i could have bought bitcoins when i found them ($100-$300) and desperately wanted to buy them.
i think i have the right mindset, i think i have the determination and the brains for programming but this sucked, i think its too late for me, its meaningless and pointless now, i wish i had started when i was 11 at most, id do nothing but study every day, id never waste time with anime or videogames off my own accord.
i didnt even have a computer until i was about 15. my guardians decided my whole life for me until i was about 40, they pressured me since i was ~8 to become a civil servant, they controlled every aspect of my daily life down to the socks i wore, i got very used to every day being lame and boring and taking orders, ive had suicidal depression since i was about 12. by the time i was 15 i had given up on living up to their expectations and was just waiting to complete school to be kicked out and kill myself.
ive never had the privilege of thinking about what i do with my own life until very recently, i think ive listened to more music in this year than all the previous years of my life combined.
all i wish is that i could start over and somehow get into programming earlier. i think its too late now and my life is too screwed, all i can do is move to 2d land and never again think about what happened or what could have been and forget about this shit world and die.
sorry i just wanted to say i hate this a lot. i think im not like this, i think im very different but this life is hell, its torture.
retarded cringy awful subhuman mentally ill freak everything bad
chill the fuck out nigger. all programmers are trannies so i am automatically thinking you aren't even a wizard. who even gives that much of a fuck lmao
(I'll react to this one first)
It's good that you had the willpower to do things when you were a kid. I, for comparison, just went with the flow. Whenever I had some conflict in my life I ran away from those problems. Didn't learn shit about life. Had many opportunities but was too stupid to use them.
Anyways, the past is is the past. You cannot change it, neither I.
You the only thing left to do is concentrate on the time we had left. Life is short and I don't believe in afterlife so my motto is: if you want to do something, do it anyway. Don't think about if it's a good idea, if it eating you up inside then it worth the try trying it out. So good luck with programming, colleges teach it for 2-3 years but they teach useless crap too so you could easily become a junior developer in 1-2 years by self learning. >>241585
(Just to clarify this comment wasn't me)>>241591
(I assume this is also your comment)
Don't be ashamed of who you are. Being tall is still better than being short. I'm 6'2 and I know the struggle of being tall. Driving, commuting is uncomfortable. And I bump my head into the doorframe once in a while.>self important self loving
Why is this a bad thing? You have to love yourself, that is a good thing imo. And narcissist aren't just loving themselves, they are arrogant turds who look down upon and manipulate other people for their amusement and benefit. >if i choose computers i dont know yet if ill take bioinformatics or cryptography and infosec. im interested in both.
Do it. You have lot of free time so don't be afraid to make this first step. With time it becomes clear which one you should go for.>i think i could be awesome, i think i have the intelligence and the willpower.
That's awesome man. You already won half the battle. Good attitude matters. >i dont know. im very afraid. im scared.
Like everyone else. It's normal. With time you'll be more confident in your skills. Don't give up on your dream wiz
im going to do it
i feel tired, i feel physical pain, i feel very old, im sickly, im poor, im ugly, im detested and ostracized everywhere i go, i could give up and enjoy a comfy neet lifestyle for several more years and not care about this world but im going to do it anyways. i think im hopeless, i think its pointless and meaningless but im going to do it anyways.
im going to focus on computers only. nothing else in my mind, no room for anything else in my life other than programming, maths and linux. from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed ill be thinking of numbers and commands. for the rest of my life. anyone can be a junior developer, im shooting for something much higher than that, i think i can do it, if i had started earlier when i was about 8 i could be what i want to be by now, ill be soullessly hard on myself from now on.
i feel crushed by an extraordinary feeling, it really is a giant feeling, its awesome, it feels incredible. free, happy and serene. but also being abandoned and complete loneliness. its not the future im afraid of, on the contrary, im afraid of being able to do anything i want to, im afraid of accepting loneliness, im afraid of freedom and happiness, its weird, like im asking someone if this is really alright and is this really what you want. i dont know its an otherworldly feeling, its so scary but so good. it feels like flying or levitating out of control.
sorry im a shit person, im horrible. im very sorry for wasting your time, im just talking to myself and procrastinating since my first post, its an enormous change and i wont stop until im dead when im decided so im taking my time to reflect well. you dont need to tell me to fuck off, ill stop now and not come back even if change my mind. i hate myself, im the very lowest. sorry im an abomination, an embarrassment. thats all ive ever been. im sorry.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You made some mistake in the past but you didn't know any better (or had the opportunity to learn programming). And learning shouldn't come from a self loathing place, you should feel joy by doing the thing you want to do. Sure put effort into it but don't get crushed under the harsh workload.
Build it up, make a plan.>im afraid of accepting loneliness, im afraid of freedom and happiness, its weird, like im asking someone if this is really alright and is this really what you want.
I cannot give you a straight answer to this. I want to but I don't feel wise enough to comment it but you know, maybe you'll find the answer you're looking for along the way. It's like in that movie I, a robot when Will Smith asks the frofessors hologram about things. The doctor has the answer only for the right questions. And Will can only find the right questions to ask from the hologram after having new experiences. >>241597
Don't dwell into self loathing or self pity. And I'm saying this without malice. It won't help this attitude only holds you back from achieveing things in life. I was like this a few years ago then I dopped it and now I'm doing better.
My motto to this is: stop complaining, start doing
I sometimes have to remind myself to this
i think i cant do it
im a fucking retard that loves talking about himself and repeating the same things over and over, thats all.
i dont know i wish i had a different life. i want to draw i want to make music and i want to program i want to do maths, i wish i could start over, i wish i looked different, i wish i had a better start, i cant do it like this, i cant live like this. im alone afraid poor ugly im sick i feel tired all the time i feel pain all the time, i try to stay awake but i always sleep a lot, i dont eat well, i cant do anything, im sorry for making such a big fuss over nothing, it was all a lie, i thought im going to do it anyways but its too scary and i think i cant.
i think the rational course of action is to stop thinking about everything that happened and could have been and accept im completely hopeless and enjoy the rest of my neetdom with eroge and not think about the rest of the world ever again. i really love eroge its not about the sex i swear i just like interacting with the characters and talking with them
its like ive never existed, ive never had a life, it was hell, i dont know, i wish i could express myself, and i wish i were different
i dont know i wish i had another life, i wish i could have found these things earlier and that it werent so difficult, i dont know i cant express myself or explain how i feel or what happened or why im doing this, all i can say is that i wish it were different and i can imagine it having been different and that it pains me a lot.
i dont know i hate this i hate what i am i hate this i hate this i hate this, i think i cant do it, i think its impossible for me. i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i wish it were different fucking shit ass i hate this i wish i had found drawing music and programming and maths when i was 6 i would do nothing but try to be better each day. its too late and pointless and meaningless and alone now, i cant even dream of having a future, its different i dont know, and i cant do it anyways even if i tried. and i wish i looked different. i hate how i look. i hate this i hate this i cant do it alone. i dont know i wish it were different. i hate this. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate this. i dont know maybe hate is a strong word i dont like it i wish it were different.
i dont know i dont want to accept its over but i think i will. i wanted to draw make music program and do maths, i wish i could have gotten into those things when my age was still written with a single digit, i wish i were not so bad looking. i cant do it like this. its impossible for me. i dont know it feels like being abandoned. im not suggesting anyone has ever or should ever cared about me but it feels like being abandoned, i dont want this, i dont want to be like this i want to draw and program and make things for other people but theres nothing that i can do, i dont know how to put it i cant express myself, everything comes across as complete gibberish i dont know why im even trying, and you have no idea how much that hurts me and how sad a creature i am. i dont know i just wish i had a different life i think if it werent so bad i could make the most of it and i can imagine myself being the happiest person on earth. right now im the saddest.
i dont know if i change my mind ill be even more lonely and sadder without eroge and just program a lot and try to be better no matter what even if the rational course of action is different and even if im destined to fail because there are things i want i want them a lot. i dont think that will happen im just saying this just in case because i want to stop posting forever and never again talk to anyone or seek human contact like ive said i would. i think ill just play eroge, thats probably what will happen im sorry i think i cant do it alone and like this and i need to forget about everything to bear being alive.
pathetic failure retard weak joke subhuman annoying obnoxious puke low iq everything bad everything bad im all of it im all the insults anyone can conjure.
i dont know sorry. sorry for wasting your time, sorry for everything, sorry.
okay.. so.. start with stopping with the negative talk. You don't have to apologize for existing. I wasn't even mad at you but I'm starting to get annoyed.>i dont know i wish i had another life, i wish i could have found these things earlier and that it werent so difficult
I feel you but there are the cards we got from life. You have to cook with what you have. I too wish that I could go back in time becore my tooth got punched out in 4th grade or before I got fat or before I quit judo, or karate or when I applied to the wrong college, or before I became a neet for 4 years.
I realized these unfortunate events shaped the current me and those failings led me to being humbled and to people who are dear to me. Family, friends.
Now, at 29 I have to pick my life up from where I left it. I started to take care of my body. Now I'm tinking about having a few hobbies I always wanted to do but I put those thing on hold which was a big mistake.
Things like learning tae kwon do or archery. Hiking, running, swimming, rock climbing etc>i hate this i hate this i hate this, i think i cant do it, i think its impossible for me
Nothing is impossibe (maybe there are things which are but coding is pretty straight forward. You only need to have a computer). This little voice in your head, who is always doubting you, will be less and less noisy as you progress. I know it sound silly but I also made this voice my ally. Confronted it and told it you either supporting me or you are out
Sounds crazy but it worked. >i cant even dream of having a future
This is a hard one, have to tell you. I talked with a few neets and they often cose to stay neets. Because it protects them from reality. Living in standby mode is not good but I understand because I for example left neetdom for good 4 years ago and having ambitions and dreams and living up to them is hard and there is no guarantee in life for things to work out in the end. So my advice is just to take it easy. You'll learn a little bit of programming, and drawing, music, etc just for the joy of learning. And then at one point you'll have to choose a path. >i wish i were not so bad looking.
I wish that too but it is what it is. You could make some changes (clothes, hairdo) to make it better. >i want to draw and program and make things for other people but theres nothing that i can do, i dont know how to put it i cant express myself, everything comes across as complete gibberish i dont know why im even trying
That's the beauty of it. You suck at first. Then you gt better at it and suck less. It's still worth the try. >imagine myself being the happiest person on earth
To quote a friend of mine: Happiness is a meme. People chase this idea that they need to be happy and then they do drugs and risky sex, alcohol and other nasty stuff. Just be content with yourself. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be promotions or new console, and another time you'll lose loved ones or have an accident.
Life is a funny asshole>pathetic failure retard weak joke subhuman annoying obnoxious puke low iq everything bad everything bad im all of it im all the insults anyone can conjure.
Snap out of this kind of talk. Don't make me slap you wizzy.
Insted of this. Tell yourself that you are enough and you are worthy of being loved.
Appreciate the dedication though.
Loonies are based.
>>241581>all i wish is that i could start over and somehow get into programming earlier.
So your only aspiration in life is to be a code monkey? You could have been anything else in life and not have to compete with pajeets who work for pennies on the dollar. I think you're putting way too much emphasis on programming. It's a necessary evil; a means to an end.
i dont know im a crazie
nobody cares about me ive never had a life
i want my life back, i want to go back to when i was 7, i didnt get to choose anything, if i could have chosen id have been dead serious about programming and maybe drawing
i want my life back, i want to start over, i want a second chance, this was hell, this was torture
i dont know i hate this. i dont want this. im different. im not like this.
i cant do anything like this
if i do anything ill be alone, i cant dream of being together with others anymore, i cant dream of something like getting good at drawing and sharing my things, not because i cant dream of being good at drawing, or getting good at programming and programming things together with others, not because i cant dream of being a good programmer, i dont know
i dont know i think the point of being good at something is to share it. and its like i have to tell myself the rest of the world doesnt matter, that i have to do these things without expecting any reward or recognition, i dont know how to put it, if i really ever become a good artist and if i can ever put out awesome drawings i think i wouldnt share them and just keep them on my pc assuming i dont delete them the moment theyre done and id focus on getting better and better only and never put out anything, something like that, sorry i dont know how to express myself
im a fucking retard i think my brain might not have seriously developed past the age of 8, i still think and speak like a kid
i dont know what to do, i dont want to kill myself, i want to do what is right and good even if im alone and fated to suffer no matter what, i want to do the right thing even if i could just enjoy the present and im destined to burn in hell forever, im not an hedonist, i finally can "be myself", im not a pig that spends all day every day reading eroge, but its very meaningless being alone, i think ive lived in a way that is unacceptable, maybe not for others but ive lived in a way thats unacceptable for myself, i dont tolerate myself, and i think ill get off the same tracks as everyone else and start building my own rail, its insane loneliness, it feels like changing the frequency my brain operates on.
its all very different when youre in your 20s, i want to go back to when i was a kid, i dont feel like i have time, i feel like i have to rush everything, i cant concentrate well, i have tons of problems, i want to go back to when i was a kid, god please
ill always be alone and no matter what i do my life will always suck, no matter how good i get at something i wont ever get to share it, in these conditions i have to tell myself this
and i think ill do it anyways, ill pick programming or drawing or both and i know i can be very good at these things and ill pick them up even without any prospects of a future, even knowing i have horrible health and will probably die in my 40s at best, every time i spend some days all alone i start thinking about doing it, its very scary and i think its a mistake but i dont know what else to do
i dont know im afraid, i wish i had a different life, im very afraid, im scared to death
i dont know im in hell
im sorry im a brainlet zoomer and nothing good. i dont know i cant talk about why i turned out like this freak abomination monster i dont think its genetics or only genetics but at least i can talk about how i feel in the present and what i wish more or less
i dont know sorry i dont have anyone to talk to and i feel extreme anxiety and im feeling a lot of things and i have no one to talk to, i think im too scared to make a decision and if i make a decision it will be wrong and even the best option whatever it is, is a lifetime commitment to death, i dont know im sorry, im a useless looney and all i do is complain, im posting here because this thread reached the bump limit and i thought everyone else moved to the new thread im just talking to myself
manbaby manchild retard useless pathetic waste of organs subhuman>>241649
what im trying to say is i cant have any aspirations in life anymore, no matter what i do im doomed, i could have great aspirations if i had started programming earlier but i think now is too late and my life is too screwed, it has always been and ive just turned a blind eye to it and told myself everything will figure out itself if i hold on to dear hopes, i had a very awful family and they ruined everything, from big decisions down to small everyday annoyances, i think its wrong to blame anything on others but im wrong and my life is over anyways and im horrible so im doing something wrong, and i just bottled everything up and told myself i just have to be stronger, more than anything they never let me be free, i wish they had just let me grow up on my own and figure out for myself whats better for me, from a yougn age i was pressured to be a civil servant and never considered anything else until very recently, im lost right now i think i cant fix my life i think its too late, i think i grew up to be an awful person because ive never been free and it was like screaming for help, i dont know, if i were let to myself and allowed to be myself id have grown up to be much different, im glad i can become what i think i am even if im alone and even if its only a fraction of what i could have been, i think im different and ill still be different and be myself from now on even if its pointless, i want to talk about it because if i dont its like none of this even happened to begin with, i dont know im sure this all comes off as gibberish and nonsense and you have no idea what im talking about, i dont know cant i just say im a looney so i make stupid nonsense long posts on wizchan.
and what im trying to say is that ill still study programming every single day and nothing else because i think its the right thing to do, i have no hopes of doing anything i want to so ill just read a lot of books until im dead, i dont know if thats not exactly what ill do its something along those lines, it feels like abandoned because im doing what i think is right and taking a very radical approach to it.
programming is the best activity right up there with drawing and music. theres no way to convince you why its good, you have to see it for yourself, and if you cant see it too bad. everything begins with curiosity and a desire to know or to be better, then you think about all the things you have to know and want to know and all the languages you want to master and the books you believe you must read to really "get it" at a deeper level or to formalize your knowledge, aand before you know it youre in love with it and turning every formula on wikipedia into code and you cant live without it and youd rather read o'rly books and solve exercises from springer books than play videogames, it becomes a part of who you are and makes you think that before programming you werent really alive. drawing is the same thing, as is music. i dont know the most ive done yet is short programs to understand c pointers and passing arguments to functions by reference, ive tried retardations like passing arrays as arguments to functions so you can go ahead and call me a poser, i wouldnt tell anyone im a programmer but i would tell myself i love programming. i cant decide if i like programming or drawing the most, regardless i think ill pick programming only because being good at drawing requires money for things like a cintiq. i have only one monitor so i might have to squeeze my eyes sometimes when programming but i think its different i dont know. if i were 7 i could easily take both and id be professionally awesome at them both by the time i turned 18. i hate this life.
i dont know sorry for talking back im a retard and shouldnt talk back to people. im just a looney that loves talking about himself. you dont have to reply to me or give me attention im really just talking to myself and surprised there are posts that arent stfu nigger or fucking kill yourself retard. i think i should kill myself but i think its wrong and also im a coward, every time im about to kill myself i back off, ive lost count of how many times ive leaned on the rail of bridges thinking this time im going to do it. im a coward a pussy a faggot. im sorry.
i dont know i think i tried bending myself to be a different person because of my guardians and circumstances and told myself im someone im not for most of my life and convinced myself im something im not, that im something very bad and repulsive, every moment was grappling with myself, fighting with myself, i think i had no other choice or at least couldnt think of one and always chose very bad ways to deal with my problems that only further damaged myself and there wasnt one moment of my day when i wasnt fighting with myself and im glad "i" didnt win, im glad "i" or whatever that is lost. i dont know this really cant be called anything other than mental illness i think. i dont know it was all very weird and struggling maybe since i was a toddler, i think i have a very shitty family, ive been told several times i used to cry like crazy as a baby, maybe my mother had no idea how to handle a child but i assume ive just been crazy from birth, i dont like saying these things about my own family i think its in extremely bad character but im horrible anyways and ive already made so many posts so i might as well say what i think is true. i dont know im very unused to this, to just speaking up my mind and not pretending to be someone im not, im not used to speaking up what i think is true.
i dont know but now i cant be anything i really wanted to be, its too late and ill always be alone and unfortunate, i think ill still pick up something like drawing or programming despite the future being so bleak and do only that every day like theres no tomorrow because there really isnt one for me. im hoarding a lot of music right now and im handpicking everything so it might take some days but im very eager to get started for real.
i dont know sorry a lot im just a very bad person. i dont know i think im not and im glad i survived fighting myself and can be free just a little but i think my life is irrepairable and ill have to live completely on my own far away from everyone else because no one will ever believe me because i fear ill always be judged by my past. at least i think its shameful and that i dont deserve to surround myself by nice people or even by people that i think are like myself, i dont know, im just spouting schizophrenic egocentric nonsense, im a very awful shit.
i dont know i think i cant do it
i want to but its too late and im too stupid and weak and pathetic. its meaningless and pointless now. yeah learning the basics of pointers in your 20s, brilliant, simply brilliant. im am embarrassment, im a retard thats all
whats the point of doing anything if youre just going to die in the end, whats the point of trying and struggling if you know youre going to fail, whats the point of learning if youre never going to use anything, whats the point in doing anything useless, i dont know, i think i cant do it.
i think i should just give up, but i dont want to, i want to try and be myself and do what i think is right no matter what but i cant do it, its impossible, theres no point, im in hell and theres no escape from it, i dont know what to do.
i wish i had a time machine, i wish i could start life over, god please listen to my prayers, i want to go back to when i was 11 at most, id learn more about computers and maths every day then go on to a nice uni and then work on projects every day, i dont care about anything else. its like ive never existed, and never will exist. i cant dream of a future as an adult. life is over. lets say its my fault, i think its not but fine. its over. i dont have a future no matter what i do. im in very bad sheets.
i dont know. i want to get out of here but i cant. i think its wrong and detestable and disgusting but i think ill give up on everything and forget about the world and focus on enjoying my neet lifestyle and my temporary life while i still can with 2d. i dont want to but theres nothing more that i can do. i dont know i hate this, i hate this i hate this i hate this. i want to do it but theres no point, i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, when i look at my life and try to make realistic plans looking at the months and weeks several years into the future, looking at how much money i get from my mother each day, and how much i could make even from a high paying job, considering my health and everything else i cant do it, the numbers dont add up for what i want to do and i might as well do nothing rather than suffer alone in vain, i dont know im a loser, im the worst person on this globe, thats all theres to it, i can imagine it being very different but theres nothing i can do here. i hate this, i cant do it, i want to but i cant because im hopeless.
i dont know, im afraid, i cant decide, im hopeless and i think i cant do what i want to do, i cant shoot for as high a target as id like but i think a lot about trying anyways, and doing everything i believe i should do, and everything i can do now, even though ill never get any rewards and my life will never improve and ill always be alone anyways and for no recognition or anything, just because its the right to do and because im different. and on the other hand i dont want to give up but its the only rational course of action and its what i believe i should do, i should give up and forget about it, im a different type of person but this life sucked, and i should just not think about it, i dont want to do that but its what i should do, after all im hopeless, theres no hope of succeeding. im afraid, im afraid im afraid im afraid, im scared.
i dont know, im sorry im really insane and everything i say is nonsense gibberish puke yeah im a looney. im the worst. embarrassing embarrassing, retard retard retard.
what i really want to do is to forget about this world and program every day and do nothing else, i want to read every day, i want to learn a lot of things, i want there to be nothing in my head except code, i want to be something like a weapon, i think its what i am deep inside, but i think its too late for that now, its pointless and im hopeless and i have hundreds of problems i cant deal with it, i should just enjoy being a hikikomori while i still can
i dont want to do that, its disgusting and horrible and the worst thing in the world and being a normalfag but i cant succeed, theres no point anymore, i dont "have a future" anymore, its all that i can do, its all theres left, its the only way to make somehting out of the life ive been given, i dont know how to put it other than saying im in hell and theres no escape from it. i dont want to give up but i cant succeed no matter what. i want to try but its pointless, i know the exact outcome no matter what.
Now you're just repeating yourself. Forget about the past. You live in the present. The things you don't do now will affect your future. Start now and the 2 year later version of you will be happy you put in the effort to learn programming and become employable.
Stop talking, you're insane and have been babbling all fucking day. Just shut up and learn to deal with things on your own. I know this is a crawl whine thread but this is blatant insanity, saying the same thing over and over again. Just lie down and rot.
He's going through something extraordinary, just let him have his space to think and feel.
im not going to lie down and rot.
i think its pointless i think its meaningless i think i dont have a future i dont have a chance but im going to do it anyways, i feel very happy and excited
ill definitely get a degree in maths first and focus on the theoretical side of things which i love, im going to read knuth and bourbaki and so many others and learn the core of several programming languages im going to learn a lot of very abstract stuff and stretch my neurons a lot in this period. then focus on more real world stuff like infosec while getting my degree in cs. then im not sure yet. i think cryptography and computer security is where i can really shine and ill always study it on the side but in my current gameplan ill take bioinformatics. i want to be a healer i want to cure i want to help people i want to make others smile and to be helpful, i believe in things like kindness and niceness but i suck a lot at interacting directly with people so i need to find another way to hhelp, im very useless right now but i think i have a lot of potential. also i look very bad and im very weak but i can at least dream of becoming very strong and better looking with bio stuff. so i think its bioinformatics. i dont know maybe ill change my mind i have a lot of contingency plans but thats what i think ill do right now.
i dont know ill be alone for the rest of my life and and ill just spend the rest of my life with computers and machines and never again think of people, im very afraid but i feel so free and awesome, it really is an extraordinary feelign and i can only try to tell you what im going through its awesome. im definitely flipping a switch on the back of my head or changing the frequency it operates on it feels like flying, i think ill be very very good at programming, i already feel like turning into a computer myself, its frightening but it feels so good. im starting from 0 at 22 but im so confident i think i have the perfect brain for programming.
i dont know my life was very stormy and very sad until now but i finally reached a sea of peace and im very happy, i can finally be myself and do what i myself think is right if it all depends on me then my life is set and i think ill always be very happy and only feel better and better from now on. but im moving to my own world, i cant live in the same world as others. partially because everything that happened i think, i dont dislike anyone i dislike myself and think everything ive done and the way ive lived is unacceptable and unforgivable, i dont tolerate what i am, i will never accept myself i think, im a really bad person and should isolate myself from others. also being alone helps to focus. ill never again play videogames or watch anime or anything it will be just code and numbers from now on until im dead. im happy with it, im doing this off my own accord not because i feel pressured, because i think its what im very good at. i want to draw too eventually but its at least 10 years down the road to be honest.
i dont know im taking a big leap of faith i think its a mistake and will lead to nowhere but im going to do it anyways. i think the rational course of action is to not do it and to enjoy being a hikikomori and forget about everything but every time i spend some time alone and think about giving up forever it itches. im going to do it.
i dont know sorry for being so repetitive and cringy and retarded and everything bad i just wanted to say im going to do something i think is awesome and i think i can become an awesome person and im afraid, afraid of so many things, first that its pointless and everything ill do will be for naught and i dont want to do this im scared i think its a mistake im afraid of loneliness happiness and freedom but ill embrace these 3 things. and i dont know i feel like losing something very important that i should hold on to no matter what but i have to let it go. its something like empathy or caring about other people, im moving to a world with only me.
i dont know sorry for being such a bad person sorry a lot.
i dont know sorry
i just wanted to say im planning to spend the rest of my life with programming and computers and never again think of anything else, ill spend the rest of my life alone im afraid but i think its what ill do
i feel so good but im so scared, i feel so much focus and like turning into a computer myself and getting lost in my mind its awesome but frightening freezing and complete loneliness
i think im hopeless i think i dont have a future i think ill always be screwed and i should just enjoy my hikki life but im throwing that in the garbage im going to do it anyways, ill do what i think is right im finally free to do so
my current plan is a bs in maths a bs in cs and then a ms in bioinformatics i want to discover genes and make augmentations i love computers and maths but ill eventually get into biohacking i think its not about the goal so much as the path it feels great i think i can be awesome at programming at least im in love with it im so happy and excited i dont know
i dont know i hate this life i wish i had started earlier im sorry for ahving lived like this i blame my family and my life it was too cruel but im so happy i can finally be myself and do what i want
i dont know sorry a lot ill be a very different person from now on even though ill be very lonely and i have no future. god im so scared. its a lifelong commitment to only one thing and a commitment to loneliness, im scared but i feel fantastic, i dont know, im afraid but im going to do this, i procrastinated a lot until now but im going to do it.
sorry, sorry a lot, sorry for everything.
i dont know im scared im afraid im sorry but im going to do it, im lonely and happy and i love programming and i feel like flying, im dying inside myself but i feel so alive at the same time it really is insane.
and i dont know i feel like im throwing away or leaving something very precious behind, like my own soul. i feel like giving up on something like hope or empathy or love for others, that i shouldnt do this no matter what but my circumstances are very bleak, i dont want to do this but theres no way around for me, im hopeless and accepting my own hopelessness im very sorry, im in a heaven of my own now, im so free and i feel so pure and light but theres only me, im so afraid im scared scared scared but ill do it.
sorry sorry a lot. im the worst all the insults in the dictionary all the mean things you can tell a person im all of it, sorry.
Bro, you like programming? That's awesome! Who's your favorite progrommer? Mines Tesla.
kenneth iverson, apl is the best progromming language.
i dont know sorry for all this shitposting mess i tried to says omethig i hope i got it across
i dont know im very afraid but im going to do this. ill spend the rest of my life with computers only, living in my own private headworld only. i hope ive been able to communicate a bit what im feeling. im terrified i dont want to do this but theres no other way for me. im going to live in a world of my own, completely detached from everyone else, im free and happy but freezing and alone, its irreversible and i think its a mistake but i cant be with everyone else im too different and unfortunate. i feel fantastic but im dying inside myself and im leaving something very important behind, something i should always keep on myself. i dont know i feel awesome but im afraid very very afraid. i could enjoy being a hikikomori with things like eroge but im going to do this anyways. i dont know i just feel like im doing something very different from everything that is normal and its very important to me and wanted to talk a looot about it so im a freak thats all.
i dont know sorry for being like this. sorry about everything. sorry.
theres a cool applied maths course in the nearest uni which is said to be very good and everyone who goes to this uni brags about it, i know its nothing but its the best in my continent. they have supercomputers. the bulk of the course is stuff like algorithms neural networks machine learning stochastic processes etc but there are also classes from mathematical logic and algebraic topology to operating systems and DSP. i have studied all the possibilities right now i think it will be a bs in applied math a ms in bioinformatics and a phd in computational genomics. im very excited. thinking of stuff like discovering and simulating useful genes for plants and humans. the cat ears wont grow themselves you know. probably figure out how to make crops grow in arid regions and change human eye and hair color and extend lifespan and cure diseases before full blown catgirls though. i dont know im very proud of the things i will do the in the future im very glad i can help others and be helpful i want to cure a lot and give a lot of life, i cant be a normal person and fit into a community so i have to be hhelpful some other way. theres so much to be done and i think thats where being a good and dedicated programmer can really come out. i wanted to get into cryptography and computer security and hacking i think its my hidden talent but i think its too late for that. still not that bad. it will be complete dedication from now on. im living in a world of my own. all that matters to me is code and textbooks now. im making my own rules. i dont know it definitely feels like magic. i think magic is being able to see things from your very own perspective and before finding meaning in being you first must just "be" and be a source of energy rather than a sink. i dont know im entering a very long tunnel and i think i wont make it to the other side, 4+2+5 years of studying and ill never waste time with things like imageboards or anything else again, just studying every day because i think i shouldnt have done this as a child but i didnt get to it was hell, its a very long journey, so long i have to change my mindset completely and tell myself it will be like this until i die, that i wont ever go back to what i used to be or forget what i want to be i dont know, i think im going trhough something awesome and doing something awesome i think ill be very good you just want until im done with my studies ill learn so many programming languages and so much maths and i think i can make jaw dropping stuff im really excited. i dont know im very alone but very happy, very happy but very alone now all i do is studying. i dont know how to explain it well its a major psychological change and being what ive always wanted to be or what ive always been inside but couldnt because of my circumstances but very alone, i dont know how to put it, it feels incredible and awesome, i dont know. i just want to say that a lot im so happy i feel super but im so lonely now, ive always been but its accepting it and embracing it and completely forgetting about everything except my own world, i dont know its great its weird i think im hopeless but i feel good, i think i found true happiness everything feels like its just a matter of time now and i can see so clearly and distantly into the future that i feel like a time traveller. i dont know its great, im doomed but i feel so good i think, i dont know. im so scared im afraid im afraid im afraid i think this is a mistake and i shouldnt do this i dont want to i jiust want to be with everyone else but im going to do it im going to do it, this is my trace of existence and that i think im something different but things went all wrong and im accepting that now i dont know. im bad awful everything bad all the insults and mean things you can tell a person thats all. bad bad bad. sorry sorry a lot sorry for everything sorry.
Genius party 2 was better. Just sayan.