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File: 1616373377255.jpeg (91.28 KB, 500x500, 1:1, 29945B2A-1771-4C16-BC0A-8….jpeg) ImgOps iqdb

 No.237916[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread

 No.237919

First for insomnia. Can't even turn this pos off and put it away.

 No.237920

>>237919
I don't have insomnia but daylight savings and drugs have fucked up my sleeping habits recently.

 No.237921

It's scary how quickly time flies.
I'm terrified of future and aging.
I wish I were an actual wizard.

 No.237928

File: 1616395952338.jpg (145.97 KB, 1280x720, 16:9, mpv-shot0001.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Hi. I think I've been abandoned and I will accept my abandonment. If I don't make this post, it's like I've never existed, but I think I did.

I think I'll die a few years into the future and even if I don't my life will only keep getting worse.

It's fine and I'm very happy. I'm healing.

I love mathematics and computer science, programming, music and drawing. I'll study these things seriously a lot. I think I'll sooner or later get exceptionally good at them, I am very in love with them and have high confidence in myself, I feel like a genius, although there are many things to study and it will take a long time. I have a reading folder with about 1000 textbooks, mostly Mathematics and CS. I was very different in school but sad things happened and it felt like torture and I let myself go to waste and I think I'm going back to what I used to be I think.

I'll try to be as good looking as possible and make as much money as possible too but I think my life is hopeless and maybe the most I can do now is live happily in solitude and embrace sickness and poverty and death, I still feel amazing because it's like I finally found things I had been looking for my whole life. It's also very exclusive, it feels like making something different or that I wasn't supposed to do and everything is for my eyes only.

I want very much to be with everyone else but maybe I'll have to assume I'm alone. No one likes me. I love other people a lot and I trust others but no one believes me. I'm worth less than my own weight in bananas. I hate myself a lot, people shouldn't have to see me when I go outside. I don't get edgy people or why everyone is forceful and aggressive.

I think I existed and I was right here. I'm not like this, I'm better and I want to bring that out a lot but I think my life is hopeless now. I don't see it significantly improving before my 40s and by then I'll have some 3 cancers anyways. I'll probably be homeless at some point.

Everyone says the apocalypse will come soon and it makes me very afraid, I don't know what will happen but I think I won't make it out alive, I don't know what I should do.

I think I can focus and become very smart and be myself for the first time in my life. I think I will be an excellent programmer, artist, musician and mathematician. At the very least I love these things and I want to get as good as possible at them. I love thinking and using my head and I finally feel like I've found the right things to think about. I think I'm very good at manipulating abstract concepts. I feel like my mind is an endless fountain of energy. I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses when I was 2 or so. I look forward very much to living, I think I don't have much left to live but ok.

I'm very sorry, I feel like doing something incredible with my mind but also unforgivable. It feels very free, entering a tunnel that stretches on forever and accelerating infinitely, levitating out of control. But also very lonely. Like putting myself to cryo sleep and seeing very nice dreams. I don't think anyone will ever wake me up again. Like releasing the handbrake and stepping on it with your eyes closed, if you hit a wall you'd die before you noticed it.

It's like god abandoned me but god pities me after all and I've been left a secret passage to a paradise made just for myself and I can fly around and make anything I can imagine in an instant like I've always wanted without a care in the world until I die but I'll never make it back to the "real" world. I think I could forget about everyone else but I think I'm hopeless and the world will end soon anyways, I think it makes rational sense to just be happy on your own if you can't dedicate your life to someone.

I am a bit confident in myself but I think my life sucked a lot and I think it wasn't entirely my fault that it did. But also I think there's no outlook for life anymore and maybe I'll just live the rest of my life as a happy lonely autist. Maybe I won't and I'll always think I just wish I could be with everyone else or maybe I'll be very cool and care only about myself or maybe I'll always be a loser who wastes his every day moving folders around because what I'm doing feels very incredible but also very frightening, a bit like dying inside myself. It's a very exclusive and privileged experience, I feel alive for the first time in my life and never thought I want there to be a tomorrow. I just hope no one blows up Earth.

I think no one cares and I'm just a low IQ retarded awful subhuman but I feel very happy alone although I also wish I could be with everyone else, I don't think that will ever happen and I'll just die in a ditch.

I wish I could start my life over. It sucked a lot and I didn't get to choose how I live my life until recently even though there isn't much left to choose. I am getting to choose how I spend my days for the first time in my life. The concept of freedom and just doing what you feel like without regards for what you're told to do is very foreign for me, I used to disagree with liberty and I thought humans are animals that don't have rights and should just do what they're told. At one point I had given up hope and allowed myself to be a very bad person, it felt like fighting against myself and everyday was like torturing myself to do things. But also there isn't anything else I have to do, I think. I would have studied things in bulk by 2 to 6 months. e.g. Chinese for 6 months, Analysis for 4, Haskell for 2 etc.. I think I would be extremely happy now.

I'll start living the school life of my dreams that I didn't get to live but maybe I'll never graduate. I don't think I'll ever get to walk into an university classroom or be called for a coding interview and just die alone without having ever lived. I don't think I'll ever be admitted into normal society or that anything will ever go my way, I'm just very glad that I like learning and it's like I remembered what I used to be or what I wanted to grow up to be. Maybe I'll waste a lot of time with hentai too because everyone says the end is coming so why bother. I don't masturbate to eroge, you are a brute and don't understand the love and kindness of anime succubi if you do.

I think I could become a very cool person now but I think all doors have been closed and I'll probably just live a boring lonely life till I die. I think I'll die in the apocalypse, get murdered by edgy teens or angry gang members, or of some painful disease starting from my 30s.

In essence, it feels incredible, free, happy and exclusive, but also very frightening. I think I'm leaving something important behind or destroying something, I hope not. And it feels like something much better could have been. I feel like making a mistake by giving up hope but realistically there's no hope, I think I have what's most important but sometimes your life just sucks and you grow up to be a mentally broken freak like me because you were not allowed to be yourself. I think I'm recovering but maybe it's too late.

I don't know what I'll do or what will happen but I think I can be very happy and better now. I think I can be exceptional but also it's too late and the end is coming very soon. I wish I could have lived my life how I thought better from the start. I would like to be with everyone else or go wherever everyone is going to but I think I was just left behind.

I'm just a cringy retarded weeaboo loser mentally ill subhuman lunatic freak.

I'm very sorry.

 No.237948

>>237928
It's your first time here, huh?

 No.237994

Wizchan is slower than it used to be.
Assuming the past wizards either died, got laid, found a better site, left imageboards or perhaps ditched the internet as a whole.

I hate having the need to socialize but being asocial and not having a proper site to express myself. I tell myself that I don't need others and that attempts to interact with people will only further upset me.
But I still yearn to communicate, to express myself. This pointless message. This pointless life. Ugh.

 No.237997

File: 1616501108826.jpg (123.55 KB, 750x766, 375:383, 161591977212.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Wommen are not human but merely human incubators. I can't believe they get away with things like this.

 No.237998

>>237997
They are all in servitude to the temple of the eye. In 20 years transgenderism will be out and [use your imagination] IN. Follow Christ and God damn the synaguoge of Satan

 No.237999

>>237928
i liked reading this

that's all

 No.238000

>>237997
That shit is depressing.

 No.238001

>>237997
>little black succubus son
lol

 No.238003

File: 1616503454542.png (747.45 KB, 697x901, 41:53, p3m63.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>238001
It'd be funnier if the kid grows to kill her.

 No.238004

>>237998
God is dead. Nowhere to go but downhill into oblivion.

 No.238005

>>238003
that succubus is extremely physically attractive. Wow.
Why does she have a nigger child?

 No.238006

>>238005
are you racist or something? cause that's WRONG

 No.238008

>>238004
Just let me cling onto the Faith bro. I can't take staring into the Abyss any longer. There's a Heaven for a wiz

 No.238009

>>238006
Rich people adopt little nigger children for brownie points.

 No.238013

>>238003
This shit wouldn't happen if leftists weren't so fucking ruthless at hating anyone who thinks differently than them.

 No.238034

I have not ever cared for my house and now there is mould everywhere, on every wall, on the floor etc. Despite this i am too afraid of others to invite any professionals into my home to try and fix it. it sucks so much.

 No.238035

>>238029
28 almost 29.

 No.238039

I have come to the conclusion that fear has been the only driver of most of the actions in my life, if not all.
The only reason why as a child i went to school was out of fear for being caught if i skipped and the consequences i would face, the only reason i work is for fear of starvation, etc.
It is the only motivator in my life, without fear i have 0 drive to do anything at all.

 No.238048

I'm so tired. I don't understand how normies tolerate going to work every day. I work in a factory and there's so little for me to do right now I am just hiding in the bathroom. Frankly don't care if I get fired. I have like 36k saved from working full-time the past year and part-time before that. My dad is ashamed of me I can tell. I go home and just sit on my ass for hours I don't even eat dinner til 11pm then I go to bed then get up at 6 gotta be at work by 7. I keep praying I get fired. I'm in around 800 hours of "sleep debt" and sometimes when I walk around the hiss of the machines and white floor I feel dissociated. I know I should sleep more but I cant. I go home and jerk off and suddenly oh wow it's 7pm. Time is moving faster. I am saving for a house but of course now the market is crazy so even a single wide trailer is like 100k. I cheated at life living at home. I'm just trying to avoid the rent jew. I wish there were more small trailer homes for like 60k I could have one of those paid off in 4 or 5 years. Then if it was close to a gas station I could work there part-time pay my bills maybe since I eat very cheap. Never will happen though. My best home is moving to the city and splitting a 1400 apartment 3 ways with some normies couple then working part-time somewhere in walking distance. That would be hell though.

 No.238049

Life can be better…all you have to do is decide that it shall be an dit will be. Do not give control of your sanity to others or even the environment in which you are currently stuck. There is a fire in you which will burn the world if you allow it. You can also light the world with it. Good luck to you all. I will be more than happy to talk to anyone.

 No.238050

>>238049
>Life can be better…all you have to do is decide that it shall be and it will be
This kind of magical thinking is kind of ridiculous. You can't just force yourself to be happy on demand because if that's the case I assume your life problems aren't severe enough.

 No.238058

>>238050
>You can't just force yourself to be happy on demand
According to most schools of philosophy, you actually can. Buddhism, epicureanism, stoicism or even ordinary christianity tells you to just adjust your thinking and desires to how the world actually is.

 No.238059

>>238058
Philosophy is wankery from aristocrats that don't have real problems but teenage angst

 No.238063

>>238048
you should ask for time off because you haven't been sleeping well and you're afraid that you'll hurt yourself and if they don't give it to you go stick your hand in some machine and mangle a pinky finger or something, then you can sue and win a lifetime of neetbux in the settlement. If they do give it to you, then just keep repeating that trick whenever you need a break and if they fire you it's all good right?

 No.238066

I told my mother that as soon as she and my sister die I'm not going to stick around. She reminded me that my sister now has a son so I will have to be there for him. It's quite depressing. The older I get the less I want to be around people, and the less I care about consciousness and the miracle of being alive etc. Schopenhauer is right: the will to live is the source of all suffering, and only by reducing its influence on your thoughts and behaviour can life be at all tolerable. The whole Nietzsche thing about being determined to keep living despite all suffering experience just seems like advice from someone in a manic state at this point, moreso his advice that embracing eternal recurrence is the sign of a strong person or whatever. The Maine hermit is in my thoughts most days.

 No.238067

>>238066
There's never any reason to tell a single soul you're going to commit suicide.

 No.238068

I don't even know if I'm plain retarded or just lazy. Maybe it's the same.

 No.238070

>>238067
And sure enough if you do they will call to have you committed and tell other people you wanna suicide. There's NEVER a reason to tell people this

 No.238075

I hate school (university) I hate these stupid programming assignments because I'm too retarded to do them so I just copy-paste code and projects from the internet, I don't know how people can fucking learn all this shit, as soon as I learn something there's a fuckton of shit I have to learn and use together too, I'm tired of this shit.

I agreed to enroll in this crap because for my parents it was either this or working, at first I convinced myself that this was horrible but still better than working, I still think the same, but I would like to be a full blown NEET instead.

 No.238076

>>238005
Because stupid rich succubi need pets and little niggers are popular pets, they provide social points for people like her.

 No.238079

>>238063
I did take a week off for Christmas and a few personal days here and there but I just feel like shit cause I'm a dumbass who doesn't sleep right. Number one goal in life right now is to get a work from home job so I can get tmy work done quick and then jack off.

 No.238087

>>238075
Wow, are you literally me? Shit like this is why I dropped out. I'm so fucking lazy and have intense brainfog, I couldn't understand how to even pass the gen ed math classes, and most of my major classes. I wasted two and half years on this shit, I'm trying to wagecuck to make up time and just make a ton of money on that. Probably will save up to rent an apartment and ignore my roommates while fapping.

 No.238088

>>237916
i don't remember the last day i genuinely enjoyed, i feel disgusted and underwhelmed with reality and am not really fond of anything, i spend most of my days with my head buried in books or playing games, i feel as though i'm waiting for something to spur an inner revolution to cause a severe mental breakdown any day now, that's probably unlikely though

 No.238090

File: 1616694251745.jpg (19.56 KB, 240x294, 40:49, very cool, man.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Or maybe not. I think I could just spend the rest of my life with anime succubi. They're very nice and kind. And suicide when I can't be a hikikomori anymore. It feels like wasting my brain but supposedly people have a right to live for themselves.
Or maybe I'm too scared to do anything after living two thirds of my life with suicidal depression, everything feels like I shouldn't be doing this and I'll always spend every day moving folders around while listening to the same album for the 30th time. I wish very much I had been born into a different life. I'm a boring annoying cringy retarded loser, that's all.

 No.238092

I have taken more care than anyone I know regarding covid. Hygene and everything, I just took infinitely more care. Most normie people I know are still going to malls to have lunch and this type of shit, even friends that are medical staff. They claim they can't stay inside because it's so god damn boring teehee.

Yet it was me, and not them, that started developing bad symptoms of covid. I'm going to take the test tomorrow, but I feel it's obvious it'll come back positive, even if it's physically impossible for me to have gotten infected, at least according to current science. The universe will bend itself out of shape to make sure I have the worst possible destiny, and all the careless piece of shit normies have happy and fulfilling lives no matter how much they risk themselves.

This universe is a sad fucking joke. This entire existence. There is no fucking thing that captures the essence of this unfairness well enough. I absolutely despise this life and anyone that brings people into this world. If you have children you are a literal fucking monster. A biological automaton obeying stupid fucking instincts and dooming people to the chance of being like me.

 No.238098

>>238090
>I'll always spend every day moving folders around while listening to the same album for the 30th time

I struggle a lot with appreciating new things. I still listen to music I listened to 15 years ago. Same with video games, food, everything related to taste. Sometimes new things spark a short interest but i always fall back to those things I enjoyed in the past. I didn't have a genuine new hobby ever since. Also my behaviour feels still as awkward, though objectively it got a lot better I think because I stopped caring. I don't feel like back then for many reasons but all things considered I still clinge to the past.

 No.238101

>>238092
Doesn't seem odd from a medical standpoint, you can't get good defenses if you don't get exposure to pathogens.

 No.238114

what happened to the suicide videos thread?

 No.238116

File: 1616769604131.jpg (52.94 KB, 750x718, 375:359, neet.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I'm seriously lonely. All I do is consume anime, videogames, books. I forgot most of it. I mostly just want friends to relate to and watch anime regularly with. the first few years of neetdom were alright but the anhedonhia and hopelessness have really set in. My future involves homelessness or suicide.

I have a discord server for hikkineets that I made recently.
I just sit in VC 24/7 streaming my screen while I rot. Only join if you're lonely and neet like me please.

Checked the rules and it doesn't seem to say anything explicitly about sharing servers. I guess it could count as advertising a 'product' but idk. I'm desperate to find people like me, please join lonely neets. I have yet to find someone more depraved than me.

/gScsuc998P

 No.238117

File: 1616770263941.png (94.19 KB, 886x1012, 443:506, QNTP3ko.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>238092

I don't want this to turn into a corona thread, so I won't post again. I'll just say that the threat of covid is the most overstated thing of the century. Average death is 83 AND on average more than 3 major health issues. Here is an official government health source from Australia breaking down the 900+ deaths attributed to covid ( https://www.health.gov.au/resources/covid-19-deaths-by-age-group-and-sex ), as you'll see 4 people under aged 50 died, and I'd bet if you look at the individual cases they were likely just deaths "with" covid not "from" it. Australia had significantly fewer deaths and cases than other countries, but the overall age profile is consistent around the world - basically less dangerous than the Flu. As you'll see in pic attached, you're more likely to die of flu.

For years the best widespread 'home' method of overcoming flu and cold is the following:
-High-dose Vitamin D3
-High-dose Vitamin C
-High-dose Zinc ( Here's a source discussing it's possible use for 'covid', zinc lozenges are best https://youtu.be/JCdAMiLglDg )

Don't just take my word or dismiss it, google it and you'll see thousands of sources, official and unofficial talking about this. So read those sources and get an idea of dosage (you should take these generally, black people especially should take Vitamin D3). Other things to do - keep your room clean especially if you're coughing\spluttering, remove tissues hygienically to removal viral matter. Try to go outside to get some fresh air and sunlight if you can - the sunlight will help you produce higher amounts of Vitamin D, which will fight the virus - getting fresh air is just generally healthy and it'll get you out of your room for a bit. Vacuum your room also. Don't get anxious or stress over this either - it's believed stress can undermine the immune system. For the Vitamin C it's also good to just get a lot in meals - Mango smoothies, find a nice Capsicum soup recipe (it's easy, Tomatoes, Capsicum, Onion, Garlic [these two are ancient herbal remedies for cold\flu], some Italian dry or fresh herbs), etc.

I would literally bet money on you being fine and recovered in a few days.

 No.238119

>>238116
>go in
>people talking about trannies, nazis and jews
Will discord ever not disappoint? This is the last time I check an invite from the people here.

 No.238120

>>238119
What did you expect?

 No.238121

>>238120
people talking about games, anime and suicide. Lesson learned

 No.238122

>>238059
Maybe so, people with "real problems" like cancer or poverty don't have time to philosophize - but I don't think we should dismiss philosophy just because most philosophers were born into lucky circumstances.

>>238066
>Schopenhauer is right: the will to live is the source of all suffering, and only by reducing its influence on your thoughts and behaviour can life be at all tolerable. The whole Nietzsche thing about being determined to keep living despite all suffering experience just seems like advice from someone in a manic state at this point, moreso his advice that embracing eternal recurrence is the sign of a strong person or whatever.
I'm your opposite. The older I get the more I come to the conclusion that Nietzsche is right. Do you really prefer an empty but safe life instead of living according to your desires? Living always with the idea of lessening or not causing any suffering to anyone…that is no life at all. Ironically, I experience that embracing suffering and pursuing your passions liberates you and makes you the happiest. I hate how I fell for the pessimist and life-denying "pill" when I was younger.

 No.238123

>>238117
Thank you so much for the advice and the comforting words.
I'm less scared of dying than becoming permanently injured by this disease in some way. Like getting some chronic lung problem or some shit like this.

I would be fine with dying, but I really can't take another major decrease in quality of life. I'll follow your advice and hope for the best. Thanks again.

 No.238126

>>238122
>an empty but safe life

Yes. I would give up everything I have ever achieved, and everytime I had things "my way" if it meant I wasn't in constant chronic pain and living in a completely abject shit quality of life.

 No.238127

>>238125
You mention debate and contradict yourself with your words!
I don’t know the rest of it.
I glare too much at pic related.

 No.238128

File: 1616799194597.jpeg (107.65 KB, 600x595, 120:119, 9468728-7041.jpeg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238127
that's exactly what i was afraid of. anyway here's some more

 No.238130

>>237916
I fell for the online friend meme. For 2 years time I would speak to a person I considered a dear friend, we even played video games together. It was the closest thing to a "true friend" I ever had, he said he didnt have any either. A month or so ago he got a succubus and he would post less. Now its been 10 days without a post. I knew it would turn out this way, people always dissapear but when there are no usernames you don't notice it as much. All of you truewiz are all one person split over the globe, my friend. While I am happy for him in that he wasnt beyond "saving" after all, despite his tirades I can't help but feel a slight emptiness. Well, back to square one I suppose

 No.238132

>>238119
yeah the new influx of users made it turn from comfy to trashy really quickly>>238121
this is all I wanted

 No.238133

>>238121
im too scared to ban people, so when new people joined it became really trashy. I'm sad that a lot of the people who join aren't similar to me

 No.238135

>>238133
your first mistake was using discord to begin with and your second one was advertising it on a forum whose target demographic has largely fled the normalnigger invasion.

 No.238136

>>238116
How old are you, wizkid? 18? 19?
If you can't handle couple of years of loneliness then you do not belong here.

 No.238137

>>238136
>You don't belong here with US if you can't handle being alone, all by yourself, for many years

Stop pulling rules out of your ass that only make sense to you, moron. I wish we had less people like you on Wizchan.

 No.238150

>>238125
re-reading my mess of a rant and it's just a waste of time. this short article explains it more clearly.

https://www.personaldevelopmentguy.com/social-construction-of-reality-consensus-reality.html

 No.238154

>>238122
You don't understand Schopenhauer when you believe his philosophy is a practical advice to not follow your passions and to not cause suffering. In fact when you believe that philosophy is practical life advice you don't get it at all. What do you think Schopenhauer did when writing his work? He followed his passion. He had hookers and was a succubi despising hedonist. Nietzsche on the other hand went full blown lunatic in his later years. He was not the übermensch he fantazised at all. Pessimism can be the optimal mind set to fully embrace life and it is quite convenient at that.

 No.238160

>>238150
So what exactly is the problem here? I still don't get it. Be sceptical of what other people say? That's just common sense. Do you worry about truth? Not worth it except you pursue philosophical interests.

 No.238171


 No.238172

>>238137
Are all kids this dumb

 No.238173


 No.238177

>>238174
Bullshit. Reality is just the truth that you are here right now (Dasein) and nothing you can do against this knowledge. Trivial stuff. You are NOT special. Give up on trying to be special. Noone cares.

 No.238180

>>238075
I tried to do my programming assignments after putting it off for too long and holy shit what an utter bore. It's just troubleshooting dependencies, googling what the functions in the framework do and following instructions in stackoverflow when you fuck up every steps. I miss when programming means solving math problems on a website, I can at least see how people can say they enjoy programming this way, but this is without exaggeration one of the most tedious task I've ever received. More boring than my excel data entry job, more boring than high school punishments where I fill out a book with apology statements, more boring than doing house chores or menial labor.

 No.238181

>>237916
So did someone post CP here and got the entire website nuked? Jesus what the fuck is going on.

 No.238182

>>238181
I don't recall seeing any cp other than that one spam bot that would post about some cp site and get deleted usually pretty quickly

 No.238185

>>238182
someone posted CP on /b/ as a direct response to someone criticizing pedophilia

 No.238186

>>238185
lol stop making up bullshit. that would have nothing to do with the site going down anyway.

 No.238187

>>238186
you sound very sure

 No.238220

>>238186
Feds detected.

 No.238264


 No.238265

>>237916
Does anyone know that feel of utter boredom where you are in bed only hoping to fall asleep or get tired enough to sleep but do not even want to sleep you are just tired of life itself.

 No.238266

File: 1617990225323.png (350.96 KB, 739x415, 739:415, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb


 No.238267

Well guys, I enrolled in college to study accounting as a last ditch effort to make enough money to get out of poverty. Meanwhile, I'll be getting around $6k in student loan refunds every year plus whatever I continue to receive in disability benefits to help me survive. I've been staring down the barrel of eternal homelessness for years. It's now or never.

 No.238268

>>238267
Great decision.

 No.238269

>>238034
eh, those pros are probably used to moldy places like that anyway so might as well get their help?

 No.238270

My mother died.

I posted around three weeks ago that she couldn't stand up by herself. She neglected her health to the point of her life being unsustainable, until there was no option but to call emergency, and the doctors found out she had cancer at a very advanced stage. My relationship with her was problematic, but still it hurts too much.

 No.238271

>>238270
sounds like part of why you're feeling this way is because of your relationship with her, replying because you're living my fears right now, haven't had contact with my family for a long time and sometimes wonder how things will work out when the time comes, at least you were with her in the end, I wish you the best to deal with the feelings you have right now

 No.238292

File: 1618101958821.jpg (60.23 KB, 800x800, 1:1, Car-Parking-lock-Steel-pip….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I went for a walk and on my way I saw in the parking lot of a school that there was this 3-4 year old toddler trying to stand on a safety barrier exactly like pic related. His mom was next to him but she didn't seem to notice that her son was in danger, if the kid slipped and fell it would have been disastrous for him, and just seeing him I knew he could not stand there but he kept trying like a silly kid. I walked by her and told her "take care of your son or he might fall", she looked at me and thanked me and immediately went to assist her son. She grabbed the boy's puny hand so he could balance better.
I don't know why I said anything, I just saw the boy and knew that it was a matter of seconds for him to fall. Leaving them I remembered that part of my childhood and how I played in the same manner when I was outside, and an accident I had too that I had already forgotten.

 No.238294

>>238292
Children do fall though was your childhood one where you were wrapped in wool to protect you from all danger?
Good of you to look out for the young of the world though wizard.

 No.238320

File: 1618169093564.jpg (86.74 KB, 683x1024, 683:1024, fckher.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

My upstairs whore neightbour once more walks with heels. There is no peace. For years i was tormented by children pounding for hours and hours everyday, playing and running. Work was actually the thing that kept me for going insane and them going to school. It stopped suddenly, i think they moved. New upstairs neighbours and now this whore with her thumping. I actually talked to her but she kept doing it. It's just crazy how maliscious the universe can be, breaking you down. I can't move atm, too expensive as rent prices soared and mine kept the same before. But maybe being homeless is beter.

I curse the whore L.v.R. Let her body fall apart, let her life be filled with pain. With every step she takes, her feet and legs ache and burn. Let her have no relieve, no peace in this life or the next. I bind her to this fate in blood, mind, spirit and soul. Fuck her.

 No.238328

>>238292
it would have been more interesting to watch them fall.
i don't mean that in an edgy sense, but very sincerely.
i wouldn't have wanted to see them get hurt but,
it would have been more interesting had they fell.

 No.238329

>>238320
If you're serious about cursing her try getting some sulfur powder, mixing in a bit of water to turn it into a paste, and then paint it on your ceiling. It will stink but there's a high chance of success. You can mix in some graveyard dirt if you really want to be mean. If she has a mat in front of her door you can put it under that to avoid the smell, or just leave it out in the open and reapply if she cleans it.

 No.238335


 No.238336

>>238335
"HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET 5 CRITS IN A ROW?!"
^ what I was always screaming whenever I saw that graphic.

 No.238342

>>237916
I have no personality or will of my own. In any setting I simply conform to the accepted standard of behavior because that is the simplest and easiest course of action. So when I am left alone I have no direction or desire to do anything. My life for the past decade has been avoiding confrontation and avoiding putting effort I to anything. I have no contact with anyone outside of my immediate family and I am worried I no longer have the energy to maintain even these basic relationships. I feel lost. I recently found out that my mother cries nearly everyday about the state of my life and her inability to do anything for me. I know that this should affect me at some level but I feel nothing and I continue to do nothing to improve my circumstance. I think of suicide everyday yet I am too passive and always will be too passive to take action.

 No.238354

I just started wageslaving for the first time in my life and suddenly I feel like my mental health is deteriorating rapidly. I am more emotional and prone to outburst. I was a petulant manchild before but now I feel like some autistic teen who needs a wrangler so he doesn't hurt anybody. Very petty things like a coworker politely suggesting that I made a mistake sends me into 10 minutes of internal murder fantasies. My appetite is gone too and I am even more lethargic than usual. It's ridiculous. I am not made for this life. I need to quit before I am really gone.

 No.238355

>>238354
Have you moved out yet? Doing that would help a lot.

 No.238357

>>238355
What the fuck how? That would just make me more dependent on wageslaving. I am planning on quitting to NEET and look for alternative ways of making money. My family is nice to me for now. They're not the problem.

 No.238487

>>238357
You need roommates, they could be worse than your parents, but ignore them and do your own thing and I think it'll be fine.

 No.238489

>>238487
Why would you move out to have room mates? your parents can be the devil you know I have had people ask me to rent with them when in the psychward and the thought of living with anyone is scary.

 No.238490

>>238489
My parents can be insanely insufferable and I just want time for myself, sure roommates can be scary as shit and insane, but just lock your door and stuff, they can't really do shit to you unless they break in, which just kick their ass and call the cops, I don't know, I can't stand living with my faggot annoying parents.

 No.238491

>>238489
Also forgot to mention, it's just dumb to move out alone and having to pay everything, roommates just make shit insanely cheap

 No.238525

>>238490
>>238491
Not everyone has insufferable parents. Mine just leave me alone and it's quite harmonic. I don't mind the occasional small talk though it's more routine than interesting but not anxiety inducing like with strangers. Not paying rent is great.

 No.238547

File: 1618487336800.png (1.04 MB, 1000x1000, 1:1, 6CB17573-B45F-42D5-BDF6-FC….png) ImgOps iqdb

>>238525
>not everyone has insufferable parents
Must be nice.

 No.238551

File: 1618488990662.jpg (132.5 KB, 768x768, 1:1, garfieldpipe.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I've been having apocalyptic dreams recently.

About a week ago:
>NASA established a meteorite control.
>I'm in mission control.
>Someone in the team discovered a meteorite headed for Earth. It's just far enough away that if we launch one of our rockets-on-the-ready by the next day, its payload should be juuuust enough that if we shot it, it'd deflect the asteroid by a tiny enough angle so that it won't hit Earth.
>Director is going through go-no go.
>Everyone is rattling off go, but with weird hesitations. Director is very lethargic in going about this.
>Gets to me, "EECOM."
>I pause.
>Director looks up, "EECOM?"
>Sigh, "Yeah, go."
>"EECOM, do you not want to be go?"
>I turn around and shrug at the director.
>Director backs up in his checklist, I don't remember who all was on the checklist so I'm making this up, but, "BOOSTER?"
>"I mean, not really director."
>Someone else in the room, "I think I'm O.K. with this asteroid hitting us."
>Everyone expectingly looks at each other wondering if someone would disagree.
>Everyone starts talking about how shitty life is, how they've been putting on this act, and secretly been wanting the world to just end already.
>The director turns to the guy who discovered the meteorite, "You know, we could just pretend we didn't see the meteorite."
>Sigh of relief.
>Director starts talking about how much he hates his ex and his life right now.
>The director confirms, "So, it's unanimous then, right?"
>Everyone either shrugs, nods, or affirms.
>The rest of the dream was a "Star Trek morality discussion" about, "Well what if there was a single person out there who did want to live?" (some people were arguing, "In a world this terrible, anyone who'd support it deserves death") before I woke up.

Yesterday:
>I'm in a small Cessna.
>Huge cloud and storm.
>Oddly hot and dry though.
>We're pitched at practically a 70-degree angle and still barely maintaining altitude.
>Groundspeed is nearly 0.
>Having a tough time of it.
>After a while of fighting it, B-52 comes over radar, orders us to go due west.
>We comply, and eventually get out of the storm.
>Find out it wasn't a storm, it was part of a mushroom cloud.
>We see the B-52 dropping another bomb in the distance.
>Dream is just flying this cessna through the air, looking at mushroom clouds all around.
>Other people on the plane just treating it like "cool scenery" that we're watching.
>For some reason, the other bombers in the sky are helping us, giving us instructions to weave our way through the mushroom clouds.

 No.238559

File: 1618501362306.jpg (267.88 KB, 1280x720, 16:9, s2 e4.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I am throwing away drawing and music.
It sucks. I think I could have been very good but the clock is ticking for me. I dont expect it to be believed, but I think I would have developed form and subject matter between anmi and ashito. I used to think I wouldn't get so creative with music, but I came to appreciate iit about as much as drawing even though I love drawings after listening to only a few trance and techno albums and reading some music theory.
I think I could have realistically been somewhere between above average and distinctively great after only a few months of each.

I will study only mathematics and programming, eventually with biomedical applications, and a couple of human languages, if I stick with the plan I drew. I don't even listen to music anymore, I eat the exact same ration every day, it~s a bottle of milk and 9 dietary fiber cookies.

I feel like losing something very important like a quality or will. So far I have been a very firm believer in innocent creativity, altruism and loving others above anything else. I don't know what the consequences are, personality wise. I think I could become very euphoric and autistic, very blackpilled that one day I could just suicide without writing a note, or feel extremely pure and above all of this even though I should hate my life. Either way it~s very lonely and privileged.

I think it~s all pointless now, no matter what I do. I was supposed to do this when I was little, but I didnt get to. It really is a bit like being 10 again and in a way living the school life I didnt get to even though what really matters is what comes after graduation and I dont think I will get there alive. And Im cutting so many edges there could be nothing left. I wish very much I were born into a relatively normal life, I dont even wish I were a first worlder just that I could have gotten to choose how Ill spend my free time and to be very fair I wish very much I looked relatively normal, I think I could be the happiest thing in this Universe or at least a part of it.

I think Im in an unusual situation and dont know what exactly to do. I think uncertainty must be part of any deal with the devil, if any and everything were deterministic and could be computed, time wouldnt exist.

I dont know anything. I just wish bad things would stop happening and that I knew what I should do. I wish very much I could be with everyone else, I wish I could live for someone or a group or feel accepted in a community, I would make things out of thin air. I think Ill just die alone.

I really like Strike Witches. I have a mal file with hundreds of anime, but Id say Strike Wwitches is the very first anime I actually watched. I think magic is about perspective and witches just see things differently and they believe in themselves rather than create things out of thin air with innate powers like some people believe magic is. If you believe in what others tell you, you dont really exist. Maybe Im taking it too far, but neuroi are things that arent supposed to be there, that dont belong in that world, maybe theyre the residue of magic from another world, and its not in vain that they fly in pairs and one membr of each flight is rational and the other intuitive. If you agree, this should be enough. Also read Hibiki Works, azarashisoft, marmalade, hullotte, and watch Kanojo Kari, Fantasista Doll and Rolling succubi. I wish I had spent more time with 2D succubi, theyre the best.

 No.238560

File: 1618504037644.jpg (1.34 MB, 1280x1440, 8:9, shizuka being carried by s….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238559
Strike Witches is awesome, I like it too. What kind of techno are you into?

 No.238562

>>238559
You were studying mathematics, biology, drawing and music and the same time? Is not strange that you ended up screwing some of them.

 No.238563

File: 1618511901217.jpg (157.54 KB, 1920x1080, 16:9, 6.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238560
I had hoarded almost a terabyte of music until some days ago and then I cfdisk free writed the hard drives. I like maya akai, taishi, hiroshi watanabe, an, any name youll find here.
https://diversesystem.bandcamp.com/
>>238562
And a lot of other things. Ive read books about the history of fashion because I wanted to draw gothic lolitas and stuff.
https://www.amazon.com/Fashion-History-Century-Collection-Institute/dp/0760782024
I tried splitting up my time into a very extreme version of the pomodoro technique. Im trying to study "freely" now, just switching tabs however I feel like instead of forcing myself to complete books or study certain things for 30 minutes a week.

 No.238564

Also, I think Ill stop posting on imageboards forever and die alone one way or the other. I wish I had friends.
Goodbye.

 No.238565

>>238564
>I wish I had friends.
Are you sure? Or do you wish you had your own personal warped perception of what friends are?

People are scum. You, me, and anyone you may wish to have been friends with. Spend enough time with someone and eventually their scummyness shines through bright enough to blind you from any good they may show. You don't need to have been betrayed yourself to see this.

Embrace solitude and stop staking your emotions on your compatibility with broken beings.

 No.238566

>>238565
>Or do you wish you had your own personal warped perception of what friends are?
I dont know, my perception of what a friend is is doing nice things for others and seeing them smile. Why do people make music or why do they draw? Because they want to share something they imagined or what they saw with their minds eyes. There isnt anything better than making someone smile as a product of a creative process of your own. Its just like how children hand over crayon drawings to their parents. Aand It is obviously rational and productive behavior, too. I am Capricornian, but I believe very much in Pisces values.

>People are scum.

Thats not true at all. You are a nice person. Everything starts by believing in others. You should do what you believe is right no matter the consequences. People in general are nice. Youre talking to me to no obvious gain of your own, if you want to get rid of me you could just ignore me.
>You
Yes, except me.
>Embrace solitude and stop staking your emotions on your compatibility with broken beings.
My way of thinking is that Im the only broken person in the world because I fail to be compatible with everyone else.

Like I said, I believe very much in things like altruism. But also, magic is seeing things with your own eyes. I think my life sucks a lot and until recently there wasnt much to see. Im very glad to have found a lot of things like math textbooks, I wish I had them earlier. I feel a lot like realizing "achieving satori" whenever I get lost in a book. Im very confident Ill be eventually a very good programmer. Im just a mentally ill freak. Low IQ and ugly.

 No.238568

>>238564
>>238566
if you have a hobbie like videogames it should be easy to make some online friends to play multiplayer, etc.

 No.238569

>>238568
I've never once made a friend over the internet.

 No.238570

File: 1618515828413.jpg (65.81 KB, 1280x720, 16:9, chocolate.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238568
Im retarded and come off as obnoxious. After being told so the second time, you realize youre in the wrong.
Maybe thats the first step to something else, but maybe Im too low IQ or have no confidence in myself.
I think occasional cringe posts on this thread have been my only source of human interaction for the past few years.
I think Im close to not caring anymore and its very scary.
I promise I will stop posting for good this time, I wont even come back to lurk.

 No.238571

>>238570
well you could keep trying or stop wishing for something that's not meant for you, or maybe learn how to.

 No.238572

>>238570
You're the same poster that >>238559 and >>238563 ?

Anyways
>Im retarded and come off as obnoxious. After being told so the second time, you realize youre in the wrong.
Weak way of thinking. Normalgroids find everything that is not normalgroid like themselves "weird" or "obnoxious". You're saying you are trying to learn somethings, I can empathize because in my life I neither have a "mentor" who teached me things I liked, but more recently I'm learning these things on my own.
>I promise I will stop posting for good this time, I wont even come back to lurk.
Why you would do that? I mean, sure, imageboards are in a decadence. But there still some quality here (until something new and better than them come). Don't see why you would stop coming until the new thing arrives.

 No.238577

>>238571
I think I will spend the next 6 to 16 years learning how to mathematics and computer and if I'm still alive by then I'll spend the rest of my life working on cool projects or maybe just stay in the ivory tower because I'm a mortal anyways and never again care about people. It is extremely lonely and very sad because I love people so much but also incredibly free, exclusive and it feels amazing. If you don't care about anyone else, you're free to do whatever you want. It's such mental freedom that I'm practically begging on my knees to please stop me because I feel so confident.

It will take some time but I think I will eventually get very good. At the very least I'm in love with these things enough that I can forget everything else. It feels like leaving everyone else behind. I feel like being a child again and I think I could feel extremely happy even if I live the rest of my life without uttering a word.

Maybe I'll just kill myself or always feel afraid of "going all the way in" like I have my whole life until now. I'm very afraid. I wish I could be with everyone else. I wish my life didn't suck so much.

 No.238578

ahhh. im retarded and obnoxious. im ugly and stupid. thats all.

 No.238581

God I can't stand anime avatar blog posts. It triggers an antique rage in me I didn't even know I have.

 No.238610

File: 1618605202876.jpg (74.09 KB, 1000x563, 1000:563, Hax.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238581
I'm afraid of turning into a monster, I want to be a good and nice person, I want to be helpful and useful. I don't get edgy people. Maybe it's normal to be edgy and my life just sucks a lot and I have never felt free so I care too much. I'm loud and obnoxious on the internet, but in real life I let people step over me and apologize all the time. Some days ago my mother stepped on my toenail and broke it, a lot of blood squeezed out from under it, then stepped on it again on purpose and choked me. I removed my toenail with a clipper, it's said it takes months to grow back. Do you think I got angry at her? I found bitcoin when I was 13 and implored my parents to let me use a credit card on the internet, but they wouldn't let me, to this day I don't even have a bank account or a phone.

I don't know, I'm very scared. I think I'm an extremely boring person but maybe it's because I care too much about other people because I have never felt like I could live a life but now I feel like I can.
I was exceptional in school, I participated in all national school level olympiads (math, astronomy, chemistry, history), all sorts of events and built a fairly impressive cv for a hs student, with several language certificates to boot. I think I had a crazy family and it broke me, mong other things I used to be told I will become a civil servant when I grow up and I'm free to choose what I do with my freetime for the first time in my life.

It's very scary, I feel like dying inside myself or rebooting my brain. I think I haven't existed until now, it feels like being born and being a child. I think I will get very good at mathematics and programming, it feels incredible every time I start reading about Linear Algebra, Calculus, functional programming, C++ features…
I don't understand normal people, why do they talk to each other if they could figure out things for themselves? I think it's because getting from point A to point B is instantaneous if you're alone, but the fun is in holding hands. Or maybe people need to convince they're something even though anything is nothing by default. All things are defined in terms of each other, you can't talk about anything on a Cartesian plane without a reference point, even if it's just the origin.

I don't want to be a bad person, I think I can be good or at least I want very much to. I think it makes rational sense to want to be good. But everyone hates me or doesn't care about me, I'm the most boring person on Earth with the most corrupt soul.

I am thinking about getting degrees in Mathematics and CS and then a masters in Bioinformatics, maybe a PhD too. Something like mind simulations or machine learning applied to gene editing. I think it's bad practice to talk about your life plans on the internet, but I'm very afraid of myself. I wish I could shower someone with love and make them very happy, but I'm extremely ugly and useless.

I don't know what to do, it feels like being abandoned and I'll make something I wasn't supposed to do because something that wasn't supposed to happen did. You have no idea how mentally free and awesome I feel. I'm sure I'm busting myself. I don't care about things like child pornography or drugs but sadism of strangers should never be underestimated.

I know exactly what I'd like to do with my life, I've thought of most possibilities, but I don't know what kind of outlook I should take.

I'm the most boring freak on Earth, I don't tolerate myself, I should be tortured for an eternity in a simulation, everyone else is nice and good, everyone has desires and freedom and a personality, I let myself be beat up and don't fight back.

I don't know how people tolerate life. It must be incredible not being dirt poor and sickly and having an awful life. It probably helps to feel like you have control over things.

I don't know, I'm a mentally ill boring freak loser. I want to try my best, but I think it won't be good enough. I think what matters the most is something simple inside like innocent creativity or love but you're not supposed to be born ugly and poor as an out of wedlock accident. I think I can be better, I want to be better at least, but I think I'm doomed. I wish so much I had a real life, I think I would be the happiest person on Earth. I want to stop feeling a lot of pain every time I read about people who play a lot of videogames every day and talk to their friends and make millions, I think the only way out is to sort of turning off my brain.

 No.238611

>>238610
I mean, even if that reference point is just the origin.

 No.238615

>>238610

>I don't get edgy people

During my own edggy phase I was disturbed and intimally attacked by what I experienced. Now it's background misery, anyway.

>May be it's normal to be edgy

Every person is an entire world apart

>Getting angry at such mother

No, I would be scared if I were you.

We still couldn't know why you are such a bad person or why do you even think you're doomed.

Oh, but you have thirst. you feel pain about successful ones, since you cannot reach them.

Did you ever thought starting a business?

 No.238620

File: 1618615339055.jpg (82.22 KB, 1000x563, 1000:563, Eyecatch_of_Season_2_Episo….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238615
This post sounds like it was made by an agent like most of this site is now anyways but I'm lonely enough to answer.

I'm not envious of successful people, everyone should feel successful. I wish I had my own happiness too. I can imagine being very happy and succesful, but not in this life.

I don't have thirst. I just wish good things would start happening already. I don't know how people can allow themselves to be happy with things like sex and dressing up or videogames and to be fair I now think of things like drawing and music in almost the same way.

My country is very dependent on resources like petrol and it has made only symbolic gestures in modernization. MOst people don't know English, let alone programming. VIolent crime is rampant. Outside universities and wealthy neighborhoods, most of the technology (train station camera monitors etc.) is from the 80s. Most computers still run Windows 7. It will be literal hell in 20 or 30 years, resources are being depleted and exports are substituted by importers in favor of other developing countries. I think I'll be kicked out in the future. I'll probably be homeless. I missed probably the only time in history where anyone could effortlessly make a fortune with a hundred bucks. I'll always be poor. I'm very unhealthy and estimate I'll have a lot of cancers in my 40s. I'm very stubborn which is why I refuse to kill myself, it's starting to get slightly better, very slightly.

I think I'll at one point start a business, but it's probably at least a decade down the road.
Mathematics of Post-Quantum Cryptography is the best book currently not on libgen. I imagine machine learning could be used to output interesting protein combinations. I haven't even started yet, but I think I'll be very good. At least I want to. I have decided I'll try studying in an university because I have decided I give up on my life completely and 2D succubi are not enough to fill the void and it feels like wasting my brain, so I thought of being a lonely happy bookworm hermit but then why not turn it into something useful. So it's in principle as a hobby but as a slightly profitable hobby. At least I could start a consultancy firm or something like APL Dyalog.

It's all fantasies, of course. I'm a cringy loser who talks to himself on wizchan. I'm very lonely. I feel very awesome when I'm alone, but it's very scary. I wish I were relatively normal. I want something else.

 No.238621

Or maybe I'll just play a lot of eroge until I die.

 No.238622

>>238620
>My country is very dependent on resources like petrol and it has made only symbolic gestures in modernization. MOst people don't know English, let alone programming. VIolent crime is rampant. Outside universities and wealthy neighborhoods, most of the technology (train station camera monitors etc.) is from the 80s. Most computers still run Windows 7. It will be literal hell in 20 or 30 years.

It sure as hell looks like my country, let me guess, latin-america? which country?

 No.238624


 No.238626

>>238624
Mexico here.

I understand the feel bro, we wizards seem to be a bit smarter than the average NPC'fied normalfag, don't let the retarded normies win, stay strong bro.

 No.238638

File: 1618685874182.jpg (118.08 KB, 954x640, 477:320, turkey-1.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

How to quit browsing internet? What to do with the time if nothing makes me passionate anymore?
Taking a break from media doesn't cut it anymore. I could quit video games for 5 years and I know I'd be just as tired of them in 5 years as I am today. I have to completely change my lifestyle since if it won't become routine it won't become a discipline either.
I'm not even sure if it's a problem, I just don't have anything better to do. I didn't use internet in my workplace for months and read books, but I didn't feel better for it. I'm not sure what I want anymore.
If money was no problem I know one way to change my life would be travelling, either by foot or by bike. But money is a problem so my days are filled with mindless thoughts about survival and making it to the next paycheck.
I'm not even depressed about life anymore, I don't want more, I'm just baffled. Why do I exist?

 No.238639

File: 1618688545084.jpg (346.8 KB, 996x800, 249:200, Dantes_inferno.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

It's odd. I have no desires. I don't want anything. Don't want friends or intimacy and I don't get lonely. Nothing in life is of any interest and time doesn't exist to me.

 No.238640

File: 1618688620068.jpg (44.95 KB, 700x475, 28:19, download (6).jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238638
Jesus christ, I feel the exact way recently. I stopped playing video games and tried to stop web browsing but I have nothing else to do. Lifting feels boring and annoying, and i'm just applying to jobs all day. Once I get a job, i'll probably be a super wagecuck begging for overtime a lot because I have nothing else to do with my worthless life.

 No.238641

>>238638
>>238640
this is what happens when normies have depression, they have no idea why and can't find the cause

 No.238642

>>238641
I'm a normie because I wanna at least improve some parts of my life? I'm still a wizzie and not interested in succubi. I just feel life is so pointless and boring, I feel like a hollow husk way than before. Like what the fuck am I even doing and why do I even bother posting? Is it really depression or something way worse? Fuck this shit man, fuck.

 No.238646

>>238641
Depression isn't real, unless you're a normalfag. Nihilism is nihilism no matter how you dress it up.

 No.238649

>>238646
>Depression isn't real, unless you're a normalfag.
>Wizchan's /dep/ board in the year of our Lord 2021

 No.238651

>>238610
You did it again you madman this time in response to my post. Yes, you are a colossal faggot. See, if you actually have ambitions like getting a phd then just do it faggot. I know that I sound like a normalfag here. I only do that because you attached an anime pic to your post. If it wasn't for that I'd just shrug my shoulders and say whatever. You don't know yet whether you want to be a no lifer NEET outsider or a successful nerd mechafag on the brinks of society. You'll have to decide one day. Good luck with that anyway. And remember, you are not boring per se. You are only boring because you are misguided by the media. Even the most retarded wiz suffering from oral and textual mutism is more interesting than you as long as you keep saying to yourself that you are a faggot. Isn't it enough that I call you a faggot? Instead you should call me one. When you only have this fucking self pity I have no respect for you.

 No.238652

>>238642
Wizzie, that's just it. There is nothing more to life. Tomorrow we wake and up and feel like there must be more to it. And then we realize there is nothing more to it. And then again we will have the thought that there must be more. And this repeats until we die. Fin.

 No.238673

>>238641
Fuck off, crabs in a bucket like you is why anyone decent sees browsing websites like this as a weakness.

 No.238674

>>238640
>Once I get a job, i'll probably be a super wagecuck begging for overtime a lot because I have nothing else to do with my worthless life.
I know this feeling. The only thing stopping me from that is the fact my work isn't really flexible like that and I despise working with people I usually work with.
Sadly I was never driven enough to develop a skill I could make money with, like programming, or else I'd probably settle working around the clock for less money but from home.

 No.238676

File: 1618741543667.jpg (612.87 KB, 1044x1237, 1044:1237, 1618430667274.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238641
>>238646
The only retarded normalnigger here is you. Only someone retarded would go to a depression board and post that depression isn't real. Now leave and stop making other wizards cringe at your stupidity.

 No.238685

I'm trying to learn programming (python,java, web dev), I think if I put the effort I may be reasonably good in 2 or 3 years MAYBE.

But I'm scared of the normalfag job culture out there, I'm 25 and I will be competing against 20 year olds with way more motivation, creativity and social skills, the HR guy will immediately notice I'm a virgin outcast with suicidal tendencies and won't even consider me, and even if I miraculously manage to get in I will be forced to work with normies that know much more than me and I will be a liability to whatever project they put me in, they will probably fire me after a month or two.

A part of me only wants to learn programming for fun and get some kind of easy security job or similar, something retard tier like that is probably the only thing I could reliably do anyway.

 No.238686

>>238685
I always thought something like SysAdmin would be a comfy job. Hope you stay with it and can learn a lot!

 No.238689

>>238686
you'll be competing against thousands of poojits willing to work for any wage for the rest of your life, far from comfy

 No.238691

File: 1618774528626.jpg (1.38 MB, 1000x1200, 5:6, maze.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238686
sysadm doesn't really exist anymore sadly, everything is devops now.

 No.238692

>>238685
As a virgin outcast, you have far more time than any normie out there. Remember that they need to have a social life.

 No.238695

My life has been one big shitshow. It's hard to really describe what I've been through but it has been a constant struggle to even survive on the same level as the worst off normalfag. I fought for years to get autismbux, only for the government to try and take it away from me any chance they get. Even if I wanted to work, I can't find a job. I apply to the shittiest places imaginable like fast food and retail but still don't get hired. I'm in college trying to get a degree but what's even the point. It's going to be the same shit because I'm untermensch. The crabs were right all along. Low status men are fucked. Society wants to see people like me fail and die off.

 No.238696

I've spent the last 3 years systematically trying to find a way make friends and have nothing to show for it. I gave up on IRL a long time ago, but I thought maybe I would be able to meet people online. Even in supposedly non-normalfag places though, their failings aside, they are all fundamentally normal, and/or just so fucking immature, retarded and completely incapable of having an adult conversation that I can't stand to be around them.

 No.238698

>>238696
Try InterPals maybe.

 No.238699


 No.238710

I keep nagging, biting and picking the skin on certain spots of my hands and the wound never heals. First it was a spot at the thumb for several years, later on both thumbs. Now it's a spot on the ring finger. It's not really painful but it is a permanent sensation that pulls me a bit more to reality and away from my mind. Sometimes in public I try to hide the visible skin rips. It was worse with the thumbs. The new spot is slightly more hidden.

 No.238745

At any moment, tragedy can strike. Maybe the family you're dependent on suddenly die or kick you out. Maybe you get a disease or you accidentally damage an expensive car and the owner sues you to debt. It's out of your control. You're never safe.

 No.238746

There was a time I used to care about being successful, I wanted to work at Intel or Microsoft or google or something like that, I wanted to be rich and be admired by everyone, I wanted to be loved by someone, I wanted to be happy.

Not anymore, I just don't care about all that shit anymore, now at 25 I feel successful If I don't have to work for the kikes and can spend the whole fucking day sleeping, this is what success is for me now, fuck everyone who says that I'm a failure, I don't care, fuck this fucking world in the ass.

 No.238750

>>238745
Who cares at this point, this life is exhausting and everything feels numb to me.

 No.238751

>>238746
As long as you can afford this it is the best thing to do imho. But even /dep/ recently is not self satisfied unless they're the next Tesla. You joined this chan at the wrong time.

 No.238752

File: 1618916965242.jpg (54.26 KB, 720x405, 16:9, Tesla - hardest part of a ….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238751

At least they watch the distant light shining from the past…

 No.238761

>>238746
I'm only a few years older but you pretty much described my view of the world. I don't mind being alone and unloved as long as I have shelter and can use my copes in peace.

 No.238764

Anyone here a schizoid? How do you cope with the inability to feel pleasure.

 No.238770

>>238764
Pleasure is easy. Just take a bunch of drugs. But genuine joy is impossible.

 No.238792

File: 1619025077827.png (382.89 KB, 541x700, 541:700, The-Judas-of-Lorenzetti-As….png) ImgOps iqdb

Does going through a lot of suffering build character?
i keep hearing this shit from religious people but i honestly don't know what to make of it.
Normalfaggots and succubis have been treating me like utter shit since i was born, ostracization, psychological bullying, spreading rumours and lies about me to the whole town i live in etc etc.
Everytime i dare to get out of the house, people look at me in disdain, spit on me, call me handicapped and other heinous shit, laughing and mocking me as i simply walk pas by them, for fuck's sake i'm just a mentally disabled neet, i have nothing left other than my dad and this ugly body and face of mine, it is not my fault i was born with a frail, deformed body and a mentally retarded mind, and yet there they are, treating me like my very own existence is some kind of federal crime.
Nothing i gained that was good, no character, only weakness.

>inb4 le nice blog post fucker :)))))

fuck you i need some place to vent this shit, give me the fucking right to, i'm a goddamn human being

 No.238793

>>238792
Ask them to define what "character" is. None of them will be able to beyond nebulous things. So no, suffering can't create what doesn't exist.

 No.238798

>>238792
Adversity can force you into a survival state, so in that sense I can understand. Being seen as inferior in an unjust situation, like your family dying and you becoming homeless will only make you an unempathetic tyrant of a person if you ever escape it, because you kinda learn how people work.

 No.238803

>>238793
Character is the consistent pattern of behavior, especially performed while resisting the influence of whatever powerful (but ultimately transitory) emotions may be present. As in, everyone around me is behaving like a debased animal due to group psychology, but I will remain steadfast in avoiding whatever immoral, exploitative actions I may feel compelled to perform. A second grader could answer this. Next, please.

 No.238809

File: 1619046349145.jpg (3.73 MB, 4089x5927, 4089:5927, anego.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238571

Yeah, things like interacting with other people and having friends and fun "aren't meant for you".

I think everyone is very nice. There's something like humanity or a soul inside everyone from wealthy psychopathic sadists to poor dumb third worlders. Not me. I'm just a robot. I don't understand people, I would love to. It hurts a lot to know how much freedom a person in the modern world has.

I wish I had lived a life. I wanted to draw a lot, I wanted to make and listen to a lot of music, I wanted to play videogames and feel part of a community and work on silly projects like a RPG game, I wish I could have dedicated my existence to something or someone.I wish I could reincarnate as a human in my next life.


It feels like I've been hanging above a botomless lake by a bungee jump rope my whole life and I'm very close to falling. It feels a bit like I've fallen so deep into a hole I could reach my own little personal Agartha if I dig up only a little more. I feel like diving inside myself, I think of a Cartesian plane and suddenly all points and measures are removed, then it starts zooming in on the origin faster and faster. I want it to stop. It feels like shooting into space like a rocket while everyone else is flying on orbits around Earth. Being abducted to a twisted heaven and trying desperately to hold on to a lighting pole.

Many things are going faster than planned, I thought it would take 10 or so days to learn Emacs. I've studied emacs not seriously for 2 days and I know dired, docview, info, registers, macros,the calendar, etc. Yesterday I used extra time to learn some C++. Namespaces, nameless namespaces, inline namespaces, = vs () vs {} etc. Today I reviewed a lot of Japanese grammar. Mono wo, mono no, mono de, dano, nanzo, nazo, nado, tomo arou to, ya ina ya, nari ni, etsutsu, nari nari.

I feel like in a planetarium made just for myself. It's very free and exclusive but freezing. Maybe I'll just let another version of me live this cool life in another parallel Universe and spend the rest of my life reading one eroge after the other.

I don't know. I hate myself a lot, people shouldn't have to see me when I go outside. I wish I were different, I wish I were like everyone else. I don't know what to do or even what to think.

 No.238810

>>238809
Either way, I think it's a life of reading for me. Maybe one day I'll get to do something else, but it's very far down the road.

 No.238811

File: 1619050053553.jpg (597.66 KB, 2000x1500, 4:3, HLR.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238793
>define what "character" is
HUSTLE, LOYALTY, RESPECT!!!!!!!!!

 No.238812

>>238798
Normalfags think adversity is being depressed for an entire day then getting over it. I don't even think they really know what it means.

 No.238813

File: 1619056930075.jpg (100.75 KB, 1000x1105, 200:221, Lynette_Standing_Stitched_….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

ahhh. im a retarded low iq loser. thats all. yeah, learning emacs in two days as a 22 years old. a real accomplishment.
i wish i could have turned out differently. i dont know. my mind is a mess. i wish i were better looking and had been born into a better life, i wish i could have learned serious mathematics, programming, linux, languages, and to be fair drawing and music as a kid. i believe i have the right mindset but not anything else. if not then i wish i had. i believe very much in things like creativity and innocence. i dont get the successful mindset that says im important and everyone else is a loser, i dont get the mindset of people who masturbate or have sex. im the worst, i deserve to be summarily executed. i dont get anything. every time i read about companies like d-wave it makes me feel anxious and insignificant. maybe dating sim heroines are the only things worth living for. i want to draw, program and do maths so much but its irrational knowing by now i cant be exceptional. above average if i dedicate myself to only one thing.i dont think i can make it at this point. and i dont want to make it for myself, i wish i had someone else. if all it takes to prove you love something is to say it then i think i love things like drawing and mathematics but its irrational to pursue that course of action when i could just die as a hikikomori who has known little more than 2d love.i dont know, i wish i knew what i should do or what im supposed to do, the concept of freedom is entirely foreign to me.

 No.238830

I'm supposed to work but I just lied down and cried. I hate myself, I hate my past and I'm scared about the future. Why can I not stop the time and take a break. I feel so fck lonely.

 No.238835

>>238809
bit melodramatic mate

 No.238837

File: 1619096488472.jpg (27.49 KB, 276x386, 138:193, c9c50eb3c48ed7540807a5327d….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238835
ahhh. i feel so happy. i just spent a minute drawing heads on a notebook. i feel so happy. i finally get to draw.i want to draw a lot. i want to program a lot. i think the rational course of action would be to give up on everything but one thing because its too late for me but i feel so happy.i think ill never be good at anything, maybe i wont even give up on eroge and live for myself instead of tryingto be exceptionalfor everyone else. i think its wrong but i think im to mentally broken to live for others.im insane, im a complete lunatic, im the very worst, but i feel so happy when holding a pen or typing computer commands or thinking of mathematics and physics or learning languages, their grammar and vocabulary. i think i could eventually become the happiest person on earth, im so happy.i wish i could share something worthwhile, but i think ill just enjoy these things alone.i should hate my life but there are so many nice things.its still very sad because i think ill be lonely, i wish i could get good enough at these things so i could share and make others smile and be usefulbut im so in love with them and im so old and poor.i wish i could have my childhood back. i honestly dont care about looks that much, i just feel like ive had my life taken away from me and it feels like everything i do is a first time. i feel so euphoric and privileged that i get to give up on giving up on things i like and that i get to scribble on a notebook. there are so many things i want to learn and do. im very unused to this feeling, that i can just do whatever i want. half of the posts in this thread are mine, but i think i like being alone and being alone makes me happy even though i wish i could be with everyone else too. there are so many possibilities, i can spend hours just contemplating what i can do with my life now.

 No.238839

the hours feel longer.i think its better to feel anxious and not let myself be taken over by this lonely euphoria because it feels so good and wrong. its probably just an interlude before i spend the rest of all time burning in hell.im practically sabotaging myself.i want to draw a lot, i want to read eroge and textbooks by the hundreds, i want to know dozens of human and computer languages, i think i might like hacking although i dont think ill ever do anything more illegal than pirating japenese porn games with underage characters. i hope i get to live a lot now, ive lived for most of my life thinking ill probably die before next christmas. its amazing what im feeling is what most people probably feel. maybe im setting up a flag and ill fall of some stairs and die before the end of the day. ill take a lot of care when i go out next time.

 No.238840

>>238837
Good luck. You're a bit weird but I relate to you. As soon as I quit my job I am going to start doing the things I enjoy. Planning to also learn programming and drawing too.

 No.238844

>>238837
consider that there are other ways of "being with everyone". you are a product of this world and its forces and whether you like it or not, whether you believe it or not, you are wrapped quite tightly in the fold of humanity.

 No.238846

File: 1619107121461.jpg (53.08 KB, 350x523, 350:523, What-if_Barkhorn.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

ahhhh i think i give up.
i think theres no rational reason not to spend the rest of my life playing one eroge after the other as a neet and then kill myself when i cant anymore.
im too broken to do anything other than click on powerpoint simulators and tell myself im loved, i dont want to even listen to music or view images or lurk imageboards, just read eroge in the most mechanical, robotic manner possible and try not to think about anything else.
i believe very much in myself even if no one else does, i believe i have a lot of mental flexibility, my mind feels like a volcano of ideas, i feel like a fountain of physical and mental energy, i think i have a lot of qualities like stubbornness or planning ahead or organization and not caring about videogames and a black and white mentality and discipline and being able to lose myself in something completely that are also as useful as talent itself and i trust my cognition a lot, every time i start learning something i feel incredible and that i can get very good at anything, it feels like for every 2 books i read, i could write 4. but i think its all pointless now, i wish i had a time machine and could send myself a message to when i was 8 so i could know about things like pixiv and gentoo 10 years earlier, i feel very insecure about my future, finances, health, my life has always been a mess. it actually has never felt more peaceful, its so peaceful right now im entertaining myself with ideas like going to an university (lol). so i believe in myself and i believe i should contribute and show my qualities but i also feel like if no one believes in me and bad things just keep happening to me, it feels like god hates me. i fell of a staircase a couple of days ago, my back hurt so much i passed out and the person who woke me up thought i had died. then i dont want to change their minds and enjoy my life doing what i believe is best for myself knowing i could have been better but i dont want to take part in a very unfair world, in which case that means showering myself with 2d succubus love.
i dont know what to do, i dont even know what to think. im garbage, i wish i could be tortured eternally for having existed or just executed or ignored completely like a shadowban from reality.

 No.238850

>>238813
What do you define as 'learning emacs' because 2 days could be impressive or average depending on what you actually mean.

 No.238857

>>238840
Do you do C++ or Python?

 No.238876

>>238837
Please stop posting such positive messages in this thread. It's supposed to be for depression and reading this post is disturbing me. There are other boards on this chan. It's not reportable, just kindly asking.

 No.238880

File: 1619124629755.jpeg (54.59 KB, 1280x800, 8:5, 5ACBEADC-FAB0-4E6D-A2D0-4….jpeg) ImgOps iqdb

It's pretty depressing to know that being a based wizzie with cutting edge philosophical ideas will get me nowhere in life.

 No.238881

>>238850
i have read oreilleys learning emacs up to and including the chapter on macros plus the emacs manual which includes many things not in the book. i have even added some original lines to my .emacs file. i have reached a point where its natural to type relatively advanced commands like 3D x in dired to delete 3 files or C-o to add a newline intead of pressing enter and then C-p. i read the first part of sicp in a few hours and know scheme which in turn means i will probably learn elisp very easily. i would love to one day read all of taocp and elements de la mathematique by nicolas bourbaki, i think thats some 15k pages of theoretical stuff in total. i really like it and i think i can be good at these things, its just a matter of time and actually going through it and not giving up but i love 2d succubi so much and ive never felt happy in my life.
i would to focus on ivory tower languages like apl or prolog while i get my degree in mathematics and then on more real world stuff like clisp or ocaml while working on my cs degree (assuming i actually go through this plan). today ive taken a bus for the first time in years and i have been reminded of how awful public transport is in a third world megacity. maybe ill be a neet after all.

 No.238882

Depression isn't real. Stop being faggots.

 No.238883

File: 1619125686247.gif (1.52 MB, 480x272, 30:17, programming-in-c.gif) ImgOps iqdb


 No.238885

>>238809
>>238813
>>238846
>>238837
You seem to have quite severe mood swings and a somewhat strange way of dealing with all that, I can infer that based on your posts and the writing style, it seems almost schizophrenic, but I'm not a doctor, just a simple wizchan virgin.

Usually I would say that this is either a troll or a 15 underage, but I'm going to trust you and say that you just seem to have some kind of mental issue that is very noticeable based on your writing.

I know that this is usually frowned upon here but I would recommend going to therapy, with a male therapist, maybe you can work with someone to address those issues and be happier and more functional that way, you seem to be a nice guy though, and I respect you for going all out on 2D succubi and eroge instead of 3DPD (BTW how do you play all of those? You know japanese?).

Anyway this is what I have to say.

 No.238886

File: 1619125937760.jpg (31.79 KB, 225x350, 9:14, karaoke no meijin.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>238881
oh and yeah i spent a lot of time drawing masterpieces on artist-mode. i know all sorts of emacs searches, i know M-x (type stuff here) only commands, i have memorized the most useless things like C-x ESC ESC to repeat a complex command. i dont think i am talented, i think i think i am talented and too proud to give up on that belief

 No.238887

>>238885
many good eroge have been translated to english. nekonin, nekopara, imopara, fureraba. theres a translated bishoujo mangekyou game. but the best ones (amakano, *cation games, etc.) remain untranslated.
just larn basic japanese and download chiitrans.

ive been to a total of 6 or 8 psychologists, psychiatrists and neuros and have taken all sorts of medications. usually my guardian whoever that is at the present does all the talking to me and whenever i start talking i get interrupted either by the doctors or by my guardian and it feels like they dont really care about what i have to say. so far as i know, i used to take anafranil when i was 6.
ill stop spamming now so please dont ban me and delete my posts.

 No.238890

>>238887
There's no need to delete your posts, you have not broken any rules (and venting and postblogging is the purpose of this thread anyway)

You just seemed a bit more eccentric than the average wizard, that's all, it's not a bad thing.

If you have already tried the therapy approach I honestly don't know what else I can tell you,I'm sorry, therapy seems to work for some people (just never trust female therapists, they don't know shit about anything we have to deal with).

Good luck wizzie! I hope you can find the peace you want.

 No.238896

>>238890
t-thanks

 No.238897

>>238886
I think you're a huge faggot.

 No.238903

>>238857
No, I learnt how to make shitty business application with .NET but it is boring as shit and I've given up on getting a job anyway. I'll look into more hobbyist stuff later.

 No.238914

>>238897
yeah, me too.
i think i come off as a faggot because i force myself to interact with people even though i think i could be happier on my own. i think thats what ill probably do and i just wanted to talk a lot for one last time. in a nutshell, i think ive wasted my life and could have realistically been a very cool person, at least i wanted to. i believe very much in the importance of intellectual gifts, as well as some values like niceness. i think it might not be too late to be ok at everything or very good at only one thing, but also ive never really lived. i really regret everything that happened, i wish i could have lived so much. i found out about things like anime style drawing and linux only thanks to 4chan, and i found 4chan only after i gave up on life. i dont know, i dont understand anything, ill try to be better, i think i can be or want to at least. im sorry for having bothered you, im just an eyesore.

 No.238915


 No.238921

yeah i should just die
ive once drawn a big tank on our world of pixels and there writings saying ok and someone once told me i make nice paint.net edits, thats all that matters to me, ill go through great lenghts just to squeeze a thanks out of someone. i dont care if everyone really, really makes a lot of fun of me or just detests me a lot or just thinks im boring, i love other people very much. anime succubi do that for free, theyll just say ohayou and hold your hands to school. i feel very incredible whenever i read about algorithms or when i draw, i think i could be awesome. all that matters is projects and i dont have any. im the worst person. i think i could be so cool but what for. im very sorry for existing, i hope im a forgetful eyesore. i once told a school experience to one of those psychiatrists, i thought i was just answering a question normally and she used the expression ocean of suffering and that people treat me very badly, i thought it was just normal and that i was hiding my power level. im very sorry. i wish a lot i were very mean and cool, i wish i could play videogames with other people and that i had a life, i think i love computers and mathematics and drawing and music, i think theyre just the things for me, i love them so much and could spend an eternity with them, i wish i could make nice things for others but i think my life sucks a lot. im very sorry for existing. im just the guy who writes long walls of text that no one reads on wizchan saying he could be very cool and then gets told nicely to find his peace and die.

 No.238922

File: 1619191361908.jpg (40.84 KB, 960x540, 16:9, Lynne_in_sortie_with_Boy's….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

im really the worst. i think its not like i dont have self awareness of what im doing even right now, im very afraid of being alone.
i love using my head and thinking, i think being able to think for yourself is very important. if all repetitive proccesses were automated, there could be true freedom. every person is like a microuniverse and its great to peek inside.

 No.238923

>>238921
>>238922
I wish I could have as much love for people and the world like you do. It's good to have things that you enjoy and gives you meaning. I am just filled with hatred and eternal lethargy for the things I wish to do.

 No.238929

>>238923
I have to disagree because it sounds like you're saying something nice about me.
Nihilists are right. A bouncy guy like me who says he could draw forever is a nonexistence. But you're special and different. You can go very far. Yeah, world sucks, hatred tatoo cool.

 No.238931

>>238929
ahhh retarded subhuman terminal cancer huge faggot
But its true, nihilists are right. Acceptance is the first step to anything else.

 No.238933

aright, ill try to stop being a huge faggot now. im sorry. bye.

 No.238943

>have zero interest in social interaction at all
>find even the interaction I'm required to engage in (cashiers/clerks, parents/occasionally other family, and coworkers when I have to deal with them), at best, annoying
>still feel lonely
Is there any way to turn off the basal need for socialization?

 No.238945

>>238943
You either accept it and go find some friends, or you don't and kill yourself because life is too miserable to go on. Just be warned that the former is likely to make you just as miserable as the latter.

 No.238946

>>238943
You don't feel better by posting online? That's about all the socialization I need these days. I learned that people are cancer as I grew older and dumped my brain into the internet.

 No.238947

>>238946
I don't understand how internet socialization can make anyone feel better.

 No.238948


>>238945
I'm not suicidal (or, not past ideation). As much as finding friends will help me on the "feeling less lonely" front, it's not worth the aggravation. (I find the concept of maintaining friendships a boring chore, and not worth it, despite feeling a little lonely. Plus, people think I'm either weird, a doormat, or both. I'd much rather deal with loneliness than being put down and/or taken advantage of. I admit to being "weird", but what isn't.)

>>238946
Posting on webforums and here helps a bit, to be honest. Things like walking around a mall or sitting at a coffee shop helps sometimes, too.

I wish there was something like jerking off but for social interaction. Jerking off is all I need for sex, but I haven't found the equivalent for socialization

 No.238949

>>238948
>I'd much rather deal with loneliness than being put down and/or taken advantage of.
That's pretty much it. People will always try to take advantage of you. So if you choose to have friends irl, you are opening yourself up for all kinds of potential abuse by them.
If I could upload my mind into a machine and live that way, I would. Born too early for that, I think. The next best thing is simply ignoring reality by getting lost in whatever it is that intrigues me at the time.

 No.238950

>>238923
I had sympathy and love for the world 10 years back. Then ** (insert whatever bullshit you want) hit me and now I'm just a miserable, desillusionized and sad piece of shit. And this is still better than what I was 10 years ago in many ways.

 No.238951

>>238943
it's easy bro just stop being a normalfag

 No.238952

if you don't like being alone then you are a normal fag

 No.238955

>>238933
You had to learn this. If you didn't learn it from your father, if you didn't learn it 15 years ago from 4chan, if you didn't learn it till now then you have to learn it still. You didn't live life without learning this. That's just how life goes. The lucky people learn this from their dads but many children today don't have dads teching such things anymore.

 No.238956

>>238921
>>238922
You sound very based. I don't know what this guy who write massive post here all the time and seems very motivated at the same time have a so poor self-image.

 No.238961

>>238951
How am I normalfaggot?

>>238949
>If I could upload my mind into a machine and live that way, I would. Born too early for that, I think.

Probably won't happen until we're both gone. Being a literal cyborg would be cool though

>The next best thing is simply ignoring reality by getting lost in whatever it is that intrigues me at the time


I've been killing my time with books, walking and video games. I should should stop consuming and take up something creative

 No.238962

>>238961
He's saying that cause you still have any desire for human interaction and aren't an emotionless automoton like him (supposedly).

 No.238963

>>238949
>If I could upload my mind into a machine and live that way
Bullshit and soulless.

 No.238964

>>238952
Ironically, I do enjoy being alone. My complaint is that I cannot turn off my monkey brain, despite finding social interaction pointless and irritating.

>>238962
It's what I figured.

 No.238966

>>238963
Epic retort bro

 No.238967

File: 1619231392445.png (413.92 KB, 575x435, 115:87, un attakai.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>238955
Yeah, your dad didn't give you money for weed, that built you a lot of character and now you call strangers huge faggots on the internet because they had it easier than you.
I hope one day you get beat up so hard you end a cripple like me. You should be beat so hard you don't even close your eyes anymore, swallow the teeth you lose. Get tied to a chair with socks in your mouth and have pictures of it shown to your classmates, and you can't look anywhere except your own feet.

I think I'll go down the eroge route. I've spent my whole life being told to die on imageboards, made fun of in school with teachers being my only friends because I was an exceptional student, and beat up at home. I feel guilty, I really think I could be awesome at many things, I don't think that you don't deserve it, but I'm really too broken to do anything but click mechanically on a screen. I have developed conditions normally reserved for the elderly, I have failing organs and spent days in examinations and the doctors have said the only cause they can think of is emotional stress.

I love eroge in part because of the school setting. I get to go to school every day now. I like to think I learn a lot of things and get to use them later as a shakaijin. I like to imagine taking art and mathematics classes. I feel like I'm dying and I haven't really lived. I wish a lot I had a life, I think I love drawing and all those things I've said a hundred times already. I think I love life and living and people and there's no rational reason not to be very happy and fulfilled unless you're literally me.

Sorry for making another post and disturbing your normal conversation.

 No.238969

>>238967
die already and get reborn into another universe as the normalfag you are meant to be

 No.238970

>>238969
I know Protoalgebraic Logic.
You are the normalfag.

 No.238971

>>238969
>>238970
The normalfags were the friends we made along the way

 No.238972

>>238967
Based animeposter. Is already becoming a hobby for me updating this thread just to read you.
>I've spent my whole life being told to die on imageboards
Don't pay attetion to them, people like >>238969 are just envious of you, anon.

Your awesomeness because you learn math, programming and advanced stuff like that make them feel bad with themselves because they don't have the capacity to be invested in something like you do. Praise de Sun, wizanimebro.

 No.238973

>>238972
I think you're a huge faggot.

 No.238974

>>238967
So you have a high IQ and your medical problems, as assessed by trained professionals, are psychosomatic at worst.

Nah, your diagnosis is "huge flaming narcissist".

 No.238975

>>238973
You can think?

 No.238976

>>238967
based erogebro is actually more of a wizard than most people here because he actually completely abandoned 3DPD for 2D gfs.

 No.238977


 No.238979

I feel like I've lost because I've been toxic or whatever this behavior is called. Normally I'd just write laughably long wall of texts.
I'm giving up on something very nice and important.

 No.238982

be successful and rich nerd. be a rich nerd. be bill gates. win all the money and live in your normalfaggot anime land. be a normalfaggotnigger in 2D land. did you know everyone is beautiful in 2D land? be jeff bezos. be a nerd. i want to be elon musk in 2Dland. based. hi, based. yeah, everything you said: based. imagine yourself two years from now: based. 2D and based.

 No.238984

File: 1619241575207.png (431.7 KB, 1128x712, 141:89, Untitled.png) ImgOps iqdb

yeah im garbage and a normalfag and all that.
to this day i dont know what a normalfag is.
i once drew a succubus wearing a flutter white dress and straw hat on a field with balloons on the background, i was about 9. i had no idea how to draw faces back then but i remember the head was anime-like, a bit like an upside down waterdrop, the hair too. i have awesome memory, i remember exact shitposts ive made or read several years ago. i didnt know pixiv. also around that time i used to spend all of my lunch time thinking to myself and drawing ideas on notebooks, like visual music notation with polygons inside one another (a triangle would be an A, a square a B etc.). i thought it was pretty stupid but the other day i read an article about a similar notation, an article! and apparently some people have adopted it. i dont know what a normalfag is, i just wanted to draw a lot and do a lot of maths and programming and i think id have been awesome at these things, even if im just a cringy third worlder i would like to have the right to imagine how my life could have been different even if in the end that means me myself being different. im 22 and ive wasted my whole life. everyone is an edgelord nowadays, i dont get it much, maybe because im ugly and when youre good looking it feels like its right to do anything. i dont get people, i guess you really have to be a cool criminal to have people treat you nicely. i used to think of things like ill do this and that to augment my cv and i want to get a great job even as i had my life until my 40s decided for me by my guardians. i hate myself a lot and then get called a narcissist. i dont know, its like whatever i do has the opposite effect it normally would. im very awful and mentally ill. i think i could be better, it feels like reviving the "old me" but every time there are these based this based that people, i really dont know what to even think. id have to stop caring about other people completely, really flipping a switch in my brain, to get genuinely great at something like i think i could but then if i dont care about anyone else why wouldnt i be this "erogebro" who completely abandoned reality in favor of a perfect fantasy world until i die somehow. all that matters is "projects".
im very sorry for existing. im very very sorry. i hope im forgetful. i dont know what ive done that is so wrong but it must have been pretty terrible. im very sorry for having lived like this and it feels like abandoning something very great i believe in. ahh. im a cringy retarded loser. thats all. im very sorry.

 No.238985

>>238984
Did you draw that? That's very good, if so.

 No.238986

>>238985
its just a rafu i got from the world witches wiki. i wouldnt dare post any drawings until im anmi-good. i think theres not ever an excuse to be mediocre. but im confident.
im sorry.

 No.238987

not anmi but when i view artworks by wasabi or duoyuanjun or pan and +19 i think its the sort of thing id like to draw and it looks like realistic goals to me. i like all areas of math but i think LA is the easiest because im extremely visual and dealing with matrices and transforms feels like arithmetic and multiplication tables to me. i think i give up anyways, i exist to get called based and normalfaggotnigger. ill stop lurking this thread and replying and fuck off from humanity forever. im very sorry for having been born and been this awful monstrosity.

 No.238990

There are brautiful things in life. Arts, maths and sciences. But they're not for you. They're for the top 1% genius with obsessive work ethics. Plebs like you only deserve to have all your potentials waste away in an office. Pursuing a creative career at this point is a dead sentence for your career. Think of you empty resume anon! Society needs labourers! Bunch of automatons. How they could so willingly bury the light within them with their normalfaggot bullshit is lost on me. Just let me shut myself in my room and do my thing. If you want to stop feeding me then say it to ny face and I will arrange my suicide for you. Otherwise don't try to save me.

 No.238993

>>238991
im sorry for forcing you to suffer through my cringy loser-y posts. ah. i'm just so sorry.

 No.239000

File: 1619255315075.jpg (49.17 KB, 438x243, 146:81, sad azumi.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

nothing makes sense. i just want out of here. please let me out. i cant stand it. i dont belong here. i want out of here. i want out of this. i want out. i dont belong here. i dont want to be here. i want to go to a nice place. i dont want to be like this. i didnt ask to be like this.im sorry, im sorry. im sorry. i dont know how to exist. i dont know how to live. i dont know what im supposed to do. i just know this isnt right. it wasnt supposed to be like this. i want to be with everyone else. i want someone to nice to me, honestly nice. why. i dont like being ugly, physically and as an existence. wits all so maddening i can only curl up, cry and pull my hair and beg to the heavens someone will let me out. ive been listening to only two bands for a week now, gybe and set fire to flames. today i spent 30+ minutes listening to the same song while staring at one image. i dont know how long it has been since ive last seen a ray of sunlight. i dont remember the last time i tried to communicate with anyone in the physical world. if interactions like saying yes count then some years ago. if having a conversation more meaningul than exchanging a greeting, probably not since i was a kid. i dont remember the last time i had a real meal. i forgot how to sleep, there are weeks when i sleep for 16+ hours and stay awake for up to twice as long, there are weeks when i sleep and stay awake for 3 hours each. ive done drugs they call medicine thinking this would help, looking back its like a lamb walking into a slaughter house. i dont know, i dont know, i dont know anything. i dont understand anything. nothing makes sense. i wish i knew and understood. im sorry for being like this. there isnt anything i can do to, i dont even know what i should do something to, just that i didnt want to be like this. i want my skin to burn, i want to be flayed.i believe in niceness, i believe it can be found in people. i love people. i think i can understand them. i hate myself because im not like them. i just wish i could have fun with everyone else. i wish i could tell someone how much i love them and not be laughed at. i think what matters is on the inside. looks are only an accessory, in vr people can take any shape they want and i suppose eventually theyll be able to modify everything about their physical bodies. im disgusting and even if i could augment myself id still be the creation of something disgusting which might be even worse. i wish i could help them, people, who i love. nobody deserves any of this. its all so ugly, i cant stand it. i cant stand looking at myself in a mirror, i cant stand looking at other people, i cant stand hearing my or their voices. i know there s a better place. i dont want to be like everyone else. i think if im left alone, i don't know, maybe i wont see the point in having fun, i will think fun is just slavery and weakness. i dont know. i dont know anything. i think i understand people that torture and kill, theyre not doing anything wrong in their eyes and theres nothing they can do about the stupidity of everyone else but i wish they would not. no, i dont know if i care. why am i like this. why didnt i turn out like a normal wageslave or a happy weeb., i dont even know what thee words mean anymore. im sorry for being offensive. im sorry for leaving a mark of my existence in your brain. a footprint. i. theres no salvation. you'realone. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to think. why? im so pathetic and cringy. i feel physical pain almost all the time. my body always itches. i cnt brethe, im almost alwways sneezingand coughing, i often wake myself from my nightmares because i break the windows kicking them, i wake up with cuts on my feet and legs. it hurts to sit, to lay on my bed. it hurts to touch anything. i have scars all over my body, i dont even cut myself. people who cut themselves deserve to be loved. its just my skin is too weak and i bleed from the weakest scratch, ive gotten bruises on my thumbs from trying to open water bottles. i didnt know for most of my life this isnt normal. i feel physicl pains in my chest, like there are needles piercing my heart, that theres something squeezing it, i feel something like popcornj in my head, i think theyre mini strokes. because i make a lot of mistakes, like when im typing something and i skip a letter or some punctuation mark. i feel very hot and very cold sometimes, it varies through the day. im allergic to just about anything, there isnt anything that will not make me sneeze or itch. its surreal. its a vision of hell. i dont want this. i hate this. i ant do anything. every time i think of doing something, memories of failure nd frustrtion re brought back. every circuit ends in the idea that this is wrong, that i shouldnt do it because x y z and x y and z are unnaceptable.it might not be innacurate to say ive been taught anything i can or might do is wrong. what else can i do but hug my knees, pull my hair and cry. how do people live, how are they happy, how do they enjoy anything, how do they have emotions. i hope you will all be together forever. i hope you'll always be happy. its like watching a happy married couple. thats what you all are. its not an insult.im very happy for all of you. im afraid of thinking for myself. im afraid i will end up something i dont want to be right now. im glad for having this brain, i can imagine things most people can only dream of imaginging. i feel bad for you because even if im only a jobless norm or whatever i could have made nice contributions that people supposedly appreciate in science or art, but if i start thinking for myself there wont be a use for things like beauty and love anymore, id lose everything i have for a relief of pain. and the other me doesnt think there is something like pain, its all an illusion that should be endured or something to that effect. i want to go away. i want to be invisible. and live in an invisible world of my own. completely separate from everything else. i would never be hated. i could do what i think is right.if i were god i would do something like make creatures and love them. they would only know niceness. i dont know how would that turn out. i dont know anything, im just too crazy and the reality is i was born in is too ugly to just man up. i cant imagine what its like not to be like this for too long. what its like to see everything turn out as expected, for better or worse, so you can have goals and work towards them. youre not humans or at least not animals, you dream and dreaming for you is reality. i can only experience my dreams in my mind. i dont want this, im sorry, i dont want this, i hate this, i hate myself, i hate my ugly existence. i hate my shit genes, my retarded parents and all the people ive been physically surrounded by, this concrete hell, the smoke, my education (the lac of). i dont know if i have ever wanted friends. i think i was just trying to interact with other people for the sake of interaction, like having friends is a trend, like something everyone has and you have to have them too. im just retarded. i can only close my eyes and shake my head to reality. sometimes i dont know when im having sleeping dreams and when im awake, there was one time i woke up for real and i thought i was still dreaming, it took me a while to realize i was awake, like hours, and another i was dreaming in my sleep and i thought i was still awake. i dont know. i dont know anything. i really love you but ill have to go. i wish i could stay with you, i wish i could touch you and be touched by you, not physically.

 No.239001

File: 1619256358720.jpg (86.58 KB, 639x639, 1:1, 1397859388046.jpg) ImgOps iqdb


 No.239002

>>239000
The world is suffering and there is no god

>>239001
The devil however is quite real

 No.239031

>>239027
>Im soooo smart and basically good at everything. Thats why I can only write unintelligible garbage that flips from manic depression to euphoria every post. Notice how nearly every sentence starts with "I" and seems like a nonstop stream of "I feel x".
When are you going to wake up and realize no one cares about your minute thoughts, feelings, and past life. Conversation is about sharing information and feelings that another person might enjoy, not vomiting random shit that your manic and deranged emotional mind creates. Calm down and learn to filter yourself, just think for once instead of immediately hitting the reply button and writing down your children ramblings. It's good you are unironic at least, so you are not pure cancer, just relax and maybe even study human communication instead of sputtering a bunch of nonsense.

 No.239034

>>239032
>I I II I I I I I IIII I I II I I I I I
Looks like you didn't read my post or have no ability to comprehend it, which again only proves to me you don't understand what communication is. You aren't very smart if you can't figure this out, so please as a favor for yourself and everyone else - think for a while instead of hitting reply

 No.239041

>>239034
im sorry.
i think i could have been very different and it feels like ive been abandoned.
i love mathematics, programming, drawing, music, physics, languages. i love them a lot. if all it takes to prove you love something more than anyone else is to say you do, then i love these things more than anyone else. i also love people very much and wish i could be together with others.
i wish i had lived a life, i wish i were normal and could have made choices and done things like play videogames with online friends or buy clothes.
im talking a lot and only about myself because i think its the last time ill ever talk to anyone in this life. ill be very lonely from now on and live in my own world separate from anyone else and it feels super exclusive. sometimes it feels super happy like candy and rainbows everywhere and sometimes very pure and icy and dark and so cool and above everything else.
to someone like you it sounds just like rubberish, but i feel like screaming inside a cage and banging with all my strength on the walls and imploring to be let out.
im a cringy retarded weeaboo third world loser boring everything very bad. im very sorry.
i think you can ban me now and it wouldnt make a difference. im sorry. bye.

 No.239043


 No.239045

File: 1619298749457.jpg (408.35 KB, 1873x1078, 1873:1078, Screenshot_20210424-001057….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Im feeling an indescribable exhaustion. Beyond all words or actions. I feel like im slippinh into a coma

 No.239050

>>239031
>>239034
Sod off and let the poor guy write out his feelings

 No.239051

>>239050
Not like you or I can communicate with him to make him stop anyways, just try it yourself. I think it might actually be a bot or something, he doesn't seem to recognize, understand, or reciprocate anything told to him, instead he merely just continues with his constant torrent of nonsense.

 No.239053

File: 1619308803673.jpg (42.34 KB, 600x600, 1:1, 283b79dab07a5d11a1157374e2….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>239050
thanks a lot!!
>>239051
i almost unconsciously ignore any post shorter than a paragraph. you dont deserve attention if you yourself believe what you have to say is so simple it can amount to three sentences. do not state what you believe is obvious.

i think i really give up. reading about cryptocurrency makes my chest hurt physically and i feel a lack of air. im saving my neet allowance to buy a phone so i can start a bank account. i think my router is hacked anyways and my mother gets angry at me whenever i suggest fixing it (shes an internet addict). i found bitcoin when it was worth less than $100 and talked to my classmates about it, i used to preach bitcoin when it wasnt very famous and was banned from many discords for it.

i dont want to care about this world anymore, it feels like ive been backstabbed by the normalfag world. if someone gave away immortality serums to everyone, every last of the billions of earthlings, and the door to infinite happiness and life and the meaning of life were found i wouldnt bat an eye. i feel very smart and a lot of vitality and like i have a duty to contribute and make nice things for others but it feels like fighting against a monolith that stretches up to the sky and repulses me with an invisible force field whenever i come close to it, swimming against the current in a muddy tsunami flood. maybe i wont fight against my own nature and draw on my own and do cool maths on my own and not share it, that would be very cool! so i sort of wish there were a rat or keylogger here.

it sucks. i used to think drawing is superior to music but i changed my mind after reading only a few chapters of a book on composing theory and music theory articles on wikipedia and i think i could get very creative with music too, it feels so easy. a lot of times i find out many cool things i had no idea existed like 3d modelling or hacking and it makes me think ive never been alive.

a lot of times i feel very focused and that im alive for the first time in my life, i feel very focused on the present, its extraordinary and feels like activating every part of my brain. i used to be a marionette, a tool used by my guardians, i never got to choose anything, im so happy i can choose what music i listen to and everything. i wish i were back in school and could choose how ill spend my day, id have probably studied drawing and music for a year each and spend the rest of the years on maths, programming etc. things like drawing and music arent even important anymore, all that matters now is stuff like vr or quantum computing and if you didnt get cryptocurrency rich in this era youre not going to the future unless youre invited by someone and im ugly and annoying anyways. i feel like shutting down my brain. for the first time i feel like "i want to die", it feels like this was all very wrong and struggling and realizing theres no winning i just want it to end like it never existed in the first place. i wouldnt accept salvation if god himself came down from the skies and said sorry.
im sorry.

 No.239054

>>239053
> you dont deserve attention if you yourself believe what you have to say is so simple it can amount to three sentences. do not state what you believe is obvious.
"Brevity is the soul of wit"

 No.239055

>>239053
>so simple it can amount to three sentences.
Read what the word "concise" means. You on the other hand can't seem to write out a single coherent post despite using 600 words each post. Endlessly repeating yourself with the same garbage over and over. Here I'll make your next post for you in a concise manner

>I feel like the world doesnt like me

>I am smarter than everyone else
>I like to program
>I like math
>I am so happy
>I am now so sad
>I like drawing
>I like [x]
>I like to ensure 10% of my words written in each post consist of "I"

 No.239056

File: 1619310360946.jpg (41.9 KB, 250x363, 250:363, glamorous shirley.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>239055
>>239054
youre right. im an incocise looney that doesnt belong anywhere. i say whatever just so i can say something.
im very afraid of being alone, it feels very scary, like flipping a switch in my head, not caring about anyone else and living in a world of my own. there was a discussion on this thread about the primate brain and i feel like i could turn it off and leave you guys discussing pub philosophy and feel very free and light myself on fire and burn myself to ashes(metaphorically ofc), its scary and great. i dont want to be a monster, i wish i were normal like you and knew what im supposed to do or say, i dont know how people can know what theyre supposed to say (or post).
im very sorry for being a bother, im very anxious, i meant to make just one post but panicked into a days long torrent of gibberish. i hate myself a lot. i dont know what ill do, either ill spend my life with 2d succubi and never care about anything else or i could become very strong after many years of training in the mountains!! im very afraid and sorry, i wish things were very different. im annoying, sorry.

 No.239058

>>239055
>garbage
What is your problem? The thread is for writing off things like that, yet you won't stop harrasing the guy for writing his feelings out. What is with you?

 No.239059

>>239058
Because that guy ruined the whole thread. There's a limit to autism even on wizchan.

 No.239060

File: 1619313424706.png (12.13 KB, 600x600, 1:1, i am serious.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>239059
ill definetely stop now.

if you dont believe it now, youll believe in 12 or 72 or 240 hours.

i think this is the very last time i talked to anyone, unless nodding to grocery store clerks counts as talking.

i really love other humans. i also love mathematics, drawing, music, programming and languages.

i feel like losing something very important. it feels so free and great but also scary and like im making a mistake. i feel like walking through a door to another world. i feel like a rocket shooting forever through space, accelerating endlessly and vanishing into nothingness, it feels like one of those sequences when the starship goes overdrive mode and the stars become blurry, just that it accelerates more and more and never stops and they dont get anywhere, its that feeling forever. inside a locomotive and completely focused on throwing coal to the furnace so that i cant enjoy the view. every moment matters, it feels like i make a decision every instant and the world turns around me, i feel like at the center of a wristwatch with a hundred thousand gears. being alone is very great, even though its not what i wish. i love you very much, i hope you can be very happy.
i think i will become very cool and focused no matter what i do but i think something much bigger and better could have been. i feel abandoned and betrayed.
im awful, im the worst. normalfag subhuman all of those things im all of it. im very sorry, i feel guilty, i wish i could have lived a different life, i think i could have been awesome and better, i wanted to live for someone or something. im very afraid and im very sorry. i hope im forgetful and by the next depression crawl thread there wont be a neuron in anyones mind with a hint of my existence. i feel like i never existed or that im close to negating myself. im very afraid, i wish i could start my life over. i hope everything will be alright in the end. im afraid of death. i want to be better, i think its all hopeless no matter what i do, but maybe ill do it anyway.

bye-bye. good riddance right? right. sorry a lot. im very sorry for spamming and ruining this thread. bye…

 No.239063

>>239060
Do you need a friend?

 No.239068

>>239059
>There's a limit to autism
Talked like a true normalgroid.

 No.239069

File: 1619319776835.png (574.28 KB, 1600x1600, 1:1, 42d955fb255ff2061b8e970f3c….png) ImgOps iqdb

>>239063
not anymore
i need to feel very lonely and undisturbed
youre going to eat so much dust!

 No.239070

I want to die!!!

 No.239071

>>239060
>>239069
A-are you ok friend?

 No.239072

File: 1619321490146.png (1.07 MB, 1280x720, 16:9, [Erai-raws] Strike Witches….png) ImgOps iqdb


 No.239073

>>239058
He literally just writes the same thing repetitively while being 1/3 of all posts here. Its tiring having to read "i am so smart omg i am happy no im sad i like drawing i like math i am so smart i am dumb i i i i i ii i ii". Do you even try to read what he posts? It's borderline incomprehensible ai bot posts.

 No.239074

>>239073
I don't think it's an AI, from what he said he's from Peru so his english is not perfect, also he seems to have some kind of mental issue like schizophrenia or some other condition.

 No.239075

File: 1619321972750.jpg (140.74 KB, 640x480, 4:3, Terry_A._Davis_2017.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>239074
I also forgot to say that he reminds me of Terry A Davis, an absolutely brilliant programmer that also suffered from schizophrenia.

Poor guy, no one deserves to live like that.

 No.239076

>>239073
>>239074
He sounds like my schizophrenic uncle. Hope the schizo poster gets help.

 No.239077

>>239074
Certainly he must suffer from something and if he is ESL I guess that might make sense, although I have seen plenty of ESL communicate more effectively than that. If he posts again I won't reply, I had kind of given up on communication with him anyways.

>>239075
Was terry actually brilliant at programming? I'm not a programmer myself so I have no idea, I only know him from the memes and the OS system he made. Was he actually a master, or just had the autist obsession to grind out endless hours of it?

 No.239078

>>239077
Terry Davis was a genius programming, he built a complete OS all by himself (yeah it's not the better one but the fact that he built it alone is truly remarkable) complete with a bunch of games and even a new programming language (HolyC)

Some fag tech reviewer said that it's akin to building a whole skycraper by himself.

The other guy may not be a genius but he seems to be something, also he seems to be able to maintain a proper conversation if given the chance as he replied to some of my posts in coherent ways.

 No.239079

>>239078
*programmer

as you may have noticed I'm a ESL too…

 No.239080

>>239078
>but he seems to be something
Yea, deranged and delusional along with some unhealthy grandiose fantasies of being a mega intellect yet too retarded for human communication. At least Terry suffering from schizophrenia could communicate on some level, as long as you permit him talking about cia niggers anyways. Anyways I'm done discussing the bot poster, let him do what he wants I guess.

 No.239081

File: 1619324495737.jpg (27.29 KB, 1600x900, 16:9, cover10.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I know this really isn't fit for a depression crawl thread, but just hear me out cause I wonder if any other wizards have this problem.
Whenever I go into another room with people in it my body forcefully creates a smile and sometimes it stays like that for over 30 seconds even when I've moved onto another room and i'm alone. I really don't know what it is but I've had this for awhile.
It feels like I've remembered something funny, but most of time the sudden muscle contraction is caused just by being in close proximity with someone.
Maybe this is caused by a lack of social skills, so to counteract that my body forcefully creates a smile so I don't stand out. Funny enough it does the opposite and I end up looking like a retard.
The worst times are when I have the reaction just has I walk into a room, thus forcing me to walk to the other side with a big fucking cheeky grin on my face.

 No.239084

File: 1619326756156.mp4 (1.18 MB, 640x356, 160:89, Ugghhhh... Suicide.mp4) ImgOps iqdb


 No.239085

File: 1619328310450.gif (1.48 MB, 592x253, 592:253, .gif) ImgOps iqdb

>>239081
Everyone, especially the less social, have their own unique reflexes, expressions, and habits that they adopt when in the presence of other people, especially those they don't know. Normal people might do something innocuous such as trying hard to maintain eye contact, involve themselves very much within the conversation, use gestures to attract attention to themselves, etc etc. Stuff dads tell their sons to do, but done so to automatically fulfill a subconscious desire to do those things, as apposed to making the conscious decision that those are the right things to do. Some people may automatically put their hands in their pockets, some might look to their feet when people are talking. The guy who made No Man's Sky was observed running his fingers through his hair when faced against reporters and fans.

The majority of times strangers or less close relatives talk to me, I have access to a coffee cup which I hold and will attempt to drink from even if it's empty. There's an instinct in me that tells me that it is the right thing to do, as I believe it makes me look less like someone they might want to shout at to get a job. It makes me look less 'dead', as if should they ask me what I'm doing, I can say Just enjoying a coffee/tea/whatever". This started because all through my teens, my dad would pick me up every weekend to drive me to help him work on his current gig. All the while he'd be bashing down on me, dissing my wizardry and NEETdom. I found out at some point that if I'm drinking something, I can get away with just nodding and grunting, so the habit stuck of bringing my thermos and not letting go.

Your reaction to smile brightly sounds a lot like the phenomenon of the "fear grimace" (soy face) among weak males. Not trying to offend, but adopting the habit of smiling unmenacingly on being introduced to other people is an ape reflex. African cultures teach their young to smile brightly as a greeting. That's probably not your case though. You likely just smiled at one point during an awkward introduction, walked away from the introduction unharmed, and so now your brain tells you that smiling is something that contributes to your survival in the face of normalfags.

Relish your habit. Unless you're walking in to a funeral, anyone who snickers or bickers at the sight of a man being so happy that he may smile so wide, are not anyones who'se company you should desire. They have no way of knowing that behind the smile is a man who is dying inside, so should they attempt to remove your mask, you can assume they are trying to tear down a person who has done well for himself so as to live in constant happiness. Devils, monsters, FREAX.

 No.239086

When looking back at the events of my life, the vast majority are embarrassing or traumatizing.

 No.239091

>>239086
Same
Glad I'm not alone on this

 No.239093

>>239086
Anytime a cringe moment from the past replays in my head I growl like a bear and make guttural weird nonsense words and noises. I sound like a bear all day long.

 No.239094

>>239093
When I get a cringe attack I make a strange high pitched squeal but when I am outside I just clench my asshole.

 No.239096

>>239084
What the fuck is this from?

 No.239097

>>239096
Dante Infernos video game.

 No.239107

I just got a ban somewhere for "trolling" when all I did was post my perspective on something hygiene related because the mods obviously thought anything so bizarre must have been a troll post no human could exist that lives this way.
This has happened to me in real life when talking to mental healthcare professionals as well and frequently onlont to the point I rarely share my living conditions or much about me as it will be seen as a "pasta" and a troll attempt.

 No.239213

yeah i think i definetely give up.

ive talked to my mom and ill trade my neet allowance for being allowed to stay home all the time, shell leave milk and biscuits next to my bedrooms door once a day and ill be a bonnafide hikikomori who goes outside only to go to the bathroom.
i think illl spend the rest of my life playing eroge and nothing else, not occasionally lurking imageboards or watching anime or playing games etc. i love eroge so much. i dont care about sex that much, its great but i dont even masturbate, i just like having friends and going to school and things like that, it makes me very happy and i go to bed thinking of my friends and remembering how today was etc. i hope to read them by the hundreds.

sometimes i feel like changing and`learning a lot of mathematics, computer science, programming, drawing and composing even if its just for myself and ill never rip the benefits. wouldnt that be very cool, a guy who draws masterpieces and solves difficult problems and keeps it to himself because hes doing it just because he likes it… or maybe ill just be a boring quiet diligent university student, there are too many things to learn but id like to get completely lost in only one thing.

i feel very awesome. it really is like god abandoned me but god pities me after all and left a secret passage to a small eden laid just for myself and i can make anything i want to in an instant, i feel like i can do anything i imagine and i can imagine anything i want to. i feel like forgetting completely about everyone else. sometimes i start thinking without any language, only with symbols, images, memories etc. its much faster and long train of thoughts last only one moment and i feel dragged by a vacuum from one instant to the next. its great. but also it feels like abandoning my humanity. it definetely feels like being in a locomotive or a starship in the manner ive described in a previous post. its very exclusive, like being in a planetarium just for myself or putting a nice ice skating performance in an empty hockey stadium. i feel completely focused. i had been prescribed vyvanse, moda and ritalin years ago and this feels ~80 times better, its just flipping a switch on the back of my mind that says i dont have to care about anyone and anything. its so great. it really feels like a rocket shooting through space while everyone else is flying on orbits around earth. its very free, lonely, scary and feels unbelievably great. i feel very intelligent and could master any maths. it makes me want to solve all the exercises in friedman's milcryp and e-mail the nsa editors who said in the foreword do contact us if you found any mistakes (or if you think you solved the exercises!) essentially i feel purely rational and turning all of those things like hyperactivity, anxiety etc. into pure focus and that i dont care about anyone else, not even myself, just in doing whatever i want to at the moment, and living my own life completely separate from the news or discussing trivial matters. i dont know why people post on imageboards, if everyone is free and can do anything they want to why not learn or make money or go out at night and beat strangers for fun. i disagree with this and dont like it, i want to be with everyone else and dont think its necessary to forget humanity just to feel a little bit smarter.

i wish to reincarnate as a normal person in this era with the same mind. i wanted to do things like buy clothes or play videogames with friends like everyone else. i wish i could have spent all of my school days learning programming, linux, drawing, music, reading thick textbooks, mathematics, physics. i wish i could have had some money when i found crypto and wanted to buy it more than anything else. i wish i could have made nice things for other people. then i could work on other cool projects. to be honest i dont like arrogant anarchists that much, theyre very self important and what i think of when i read the word normalfag. i wish i could be on my own and focus on my own world, sharing it would be a bonus.

i dont want to ever talk to anyone again, it hurts way too much seeing people who have never tried doing anything turning millionaires overnight when i have to starve myself over months to save my neet allowance to afford a cellphone so i can open a bank account. i honestly dont even care about money that much, it just feels abandoned and betrayed and i just wanted to draw a lot and very well and read and program a lot and write many cool articles in areas like ai and cryptography and so forth, i guess you could say i wanted to share how i see things very much. i wish i could have been a bit free to be myself. i think it could have realistically been so and i can imagine growing up to be a completely different person if bad things that turn everything upside down didnt happen every week.

im awful. i feel finally free and that i can start living my own life, its so amazing and i dont know what im supposed to or should do or what to even think but looking at it its just a mess. i believe theres no point in doing anything if youre not going to be exceptional but at this point i cant realistically do that, if i settle on only one area i could be noticeable and genually good after some years. i wish i could have my childhood back. i am finally free and can do anything i want …in a desert.

what im doing feels very scary. im very scared. it feels like a mistake and im leaving something very important behind. i think ill never again talk to anyone but i wanted to leave a mark.

im very sorry for everything and for making another post.

yeah im a retard thats all yeah.

Goodbye.

 No.239214

Imageboard addiction is definitly a problem in my case

 No.239222

>>239213
>ive talked to my mom and ill trade my neet allowance for being allowed to stay home all the time, shell leave milk and biscuits next to my bedrooms door once a day and ill be a bonnafide hikikomori who goes outside only to go to the bathroom.

A++ deal, take advantage of any opportunity to live so simply and comfortably.

 No.239223

>>239060
let's draw something together, if you want. i'm not the best artist but it brings me happiness. we could talk, if you want. you could give me your discord @ if you want

 No.239224

>>239213
How much NEETbux do you get? I wish I could get some bux.

Also recommend me a good easy eroge that is easy to read so I can start reading in japanese.

 No.239225

7 years ago, i said 30- if things hasn't changed, its time to face the light in the tunnel. I've two more years, but im just so tierd of forcing myself to walk the thin line of motivation of this existence. Im in a constant battle of what the truth of existence is, who I am and what my feelings are. Im really confused of all this, and ironicially i enjoy thinking about it. Yet, it just brings me deeper down in my deep melancholia. Life is beautiful, and i seen it and know of it, but its only glimmer in the lights of the water where my whole body is drained from toe to shoulders, soon i won't be able to breath. The lightstreaks won't be enought for me. I've no reason for life nor death, i exsist but there are nothing for me to exsist for, i've myself - though Im of loss of words of whom behind my consciousness is, does I even exist? Is my ego just a illusion or, is all just solipism? Oh, im lonely in terms of facing this question of oneself. I just want peace, and thoughts of the ego is the devil which i made friends with. But friends backstab once we leave our guards down..

 No.239228

I'm a fat bastard so I want to do exercise,I could go to the local gyn, but I'm fucking scared of the normies laughing at my fat ass, fuck this.

 No.239229

>>239228
Do calisthenics.

 No.239230

>>239228
Who cares if they laugh? Just ignore them and lift weights, if they even try to talk to you, simply say nothing or tell them to go away, you don't owe them anything if you paid to be there.

 No.239234

I wish I had a home and friends. I wish I had things that I enjoyed doing. I wish there was more meaning to everything besides the constant emotional misery I feel. I guess it's not too bad. I'm not an indian lower-caste cleaning chunks of shit out of city sewers, or getting raped in the ass by hairy arabs before being beheaded slowly. It's just… life shouldn't be so unhappy and lonely, should it?

 No.239246

It's hard to determine a clear structured cycle but for me it's about 1 week extreme depression, 1 week rather depressed, 1 week fine, 1 week rather depressed, 1 week extreme depresison and then it repeats.

 No.239255

I miss being schizotypical. I was pushed to socialize and normie up by family, and wanting to do right by the family, I normied up.

After ten years of roleplaying as a normie I was like "this isn't shit". So I went back to being a shut in and found myself much happier. But I now have the odd cravings for socialization, whereas before I was content the way I was doing things by myself.

 No.239267

My life is nothing but a succession of painful events and bad experiences, usually a logical mind would say that in such a sad case suicide is objectively the best choice, but unfortunately my biological conditioning prevents me from killing myself even though it would save me literal years of suffering.

But still the idea of dying one day and becoming a part of the millions and millions of people who died before me is strangely calming, as if no matter how bad this life is nothing lasts forever, not even pain and sadness, is such a comfortable thought and one of the few things that prevents me from going crazy.

 No.239310

AM I ONLY THE ONLY ONE ON THIS BOARD GOING THROUGH CRIPPLING ANXIETY?! TELL ME I'M NOT FUCKING ALONE

 No.239319

>>239310
I am too, always seems like there’s not many anxiouswiz

 No.239320

>>239310
you are not alone

 No.239322

>>239310
Yes, we're all confident public speakers and social butterflies.

 No.239347

>>239310
Yes you are literally the only one on a site designed for 30+ year d virginal social outcasts suffering from anxiety

 No.239375

>>239255
I doubt you ever was schizotypical. That's something that won't just change over time of faking socialization. It's just something you tell yourself because you want to be special. It's a personality trait that doesn't simply disappear like depression. Maybe you're not a wiz for life.

 No.239378

>>239375
No, for the first 16 years of my life I genuinely didn't care that I was alone. I used to run back and forth on the playground alone and fantasize about being in videogame worlds. I had no friends but I wasn't bullied, I really was happy. I think I was happier than most kids.

I think maybe you're right in that forcing myself to socialize didn't cause the change. I think it was my brain developing as I grew up. But regardless, I want to be that way again.

I don't really care about being special, I just want to be happy again like I used to be.

 No.239388

>>239310
How old are you? Try being 28 years old and never once had a job. I've already reached peak levels of anxiety, now I'm coasting along.

 No.239395

>>239310
Most people who say they have anxiety mean social anxiety which is nothing like Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It's like comparing a headache to a cluster headache.

 No.239399

File: 1619814386362.webm (15.15 MB, 1920x1080, 16:9, 5.webm) ImgOps iqdb

i give up on giving up. its like fighting against myself or locking myself in a cage when theres no reason to do so.
i think i am awesome or at least very cool but i want many years of studying, i want to make up for my lost childhood and adolescence. i love learning and am happy to do that on my own, i hope someone will find me one day.
its very scary, im very afraid but i feel amaznig. being alone is the best, i feel like i can do anything i want to instantly, i feel free and living in my own world and seeing everything with my own eyes. i feel like hopping on the moon and theres no earth.
sorry, goodbye.

 No.239407

>>239399
ahh no, i change my mind every 10 minutes. everyone else has a 22 years head start, i will always be poor so why bother, i definitely feel like i could be genuinely, professionally awesome at anything though. drawing, music, maths. i think i have what people normally call autism powers, just much more. i wish i could share nice things, i think i can make them, very well and by the numbers, but reality hurts too much.
in any case being alone feels very awesome, completely shutting down several useless parts of my brain and using them just for myself, i feel like turning myself inside out, to the inside side. i dont know why people bother making hundreds of posts on imageboards over a period of years asking things like how to fit in a community when they could be living their own exclusive lives.
im sorry for spamming.

 No.239413

Ugliness is a curse. Wearing the mark of the beast on you, much more so. Perhaps it isn't acknowledged as readily since many here are of the same ethnic background as their state or nation(or are visually indistinguishable from said group in any case), but there lies a special hell in being an outcast and looking the part. No training regimen, no surgery or wardrobe change can hide it. I try to make light of it when I'm out for a walk, chuckling to myself inside as I wonder how scared shitless random succubi and passerby must be when they look back and see me sulking behind them; how shifty and nervous I must look (for lack of being outside, as I tend to sequester myself), and consequently, how this can only mean they're about to lose their wallet or their life. So they quicken their pace, and cross to the other side of the street to get away from the monster; or, if they're unlucky enough to be caught in my path, they'll look down to avoid staring headlong at the beast while we pass.

Actually, even worse is when a couple is walking by and they clearly feel threatened by my presence: in these cases the succubi will typically signal her discomfort to her partner discreetly, shuffle closer, or grow hushed; the male either takes the hint and escorts her towards a less danger-prone route, or puffs out his chest and mean mugs nothing in particular while doing the Chad Thundercock walk. Strange. It used to upset me, but now it's just strange. It feels like the OP picture of this thread. If people could just see inside my head and know I'm not a threat, that I'm far more reserved than my appearance would suggest–I dunno, it's optimistic to say it would make a difference but peoples' minds seem made up when it comes to stereotypes. No fighting against that.

It's depressing. I cannot readily acknowledge this because most places online tend to be comprised of, well, the typical imageboard user. I've made my peace with it. It's just terrible how the room I've locked myself in for most of my life is the only place I'll ever feel remotely human.

 No.239424

>>239378
I know what you mean. For me it wasn't until after school ended that I realized that something was wrong with me. That you are not supposed to be by yourself and enjoy yourself all the time. Sometimes I feel like I only got conscious at about 18 or 19. Ever since the last decade of my life was hell.

 No.239425

>>239407
You just post here out of habit and boredom it doesn't really mean much. Also it's extremely rare that someone can live life without performing any form of social interaction. The need to express your internal feelings and thoughts is similar like sexual energy. It's hard to stop and feels pointless all the same.

 No.239446

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>>239425
Negative to each sentence.
You can stay here and yell based at each other and play the same videogames every day.
I think I'll spend the rest of my life listening to music and reading textbooks because my life is too unfortunate to do anything else. I feel very great when I'm alone.
I'm sperging out like never because I think I'll actually go through it.

 No.239468

>If someone can’t come up with any way to create income now – the chances of them being able to do that just because they got a piece of paper are pretty slim.
>It’s time to stop believing that college is a guaranteed way out of homelessness and poverty. A pleasing personality and skills that matter may require neither a degree nor debt.
https://www.48days.com/homeless-college-students-will-be-homeless-slaves-with-massive-debt/
What even is the point in studying for a degree if I'm going to be homeless anyway? Why does everything in life have to revolve around social skills?? Fuck this. I just want to die. O Lord, let me ascend into heaven already and leave this cruel world behind.

 No.239472

>>239413
Are you super tall or something in addition to being ugly? Or unusual stature some other way?

 No.239491

>>239446
See you tomorrow. Remember, you'll be here forever.

 No.239506

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>>239491
Speak for yourself, see you in 20 minutes!

My life sucked a lot, I finally have some stability and I feel like I've found all the things I had been looking for my whole life. I think I could be genuinely good. At least I like this stuff a lot and feel a bit confident and I suppose it's what I'll do for the rest of my life (if the apocalypse doesn't happen).

I feel so great when I'm alone. I feel very lonely, like I'm everything and everyone in this world, and I forget everyone and everything else exists. I feel complete focus. I want to feel more of this. You can keep track of my internet browsing habits, I'll stop posting forever and not even lurk. It's a feeling of endless acceleration. It's so awesome it makes me feel afraid. It also feels like I'm making a mistake, I feel like I've been abandoned and I'm accepting my abandonment when I shouldn't but there's no other way for me. I'm very afraid, I feel close to sealing a deal with the devil I know I'll regret. I wish I could be with everyone else. I'm very afraid. I think I "won't make it" no matter what and I'm accepting that.

I'm a poor awful third world low IQ subhuman, that's all. Obnoxious, boring, lame, cringy, everything bad, I'll never do anything significant, I'll always be leagues below actual humans no matter what I do, I belong with dirt and garbage and sewers, anything else is a harmless fantasy. I'm the worst. I'm embarrassed of my existence, I regret every breath I've ever taken. There's no point in studying so madly, I think I'll always under-perform compared to normal people. I'll probably give up completely at some point and turn to 2D succubi and never care about anything else again, I have 4 terabytes of them, I think that's the most reasonable course of action, or picking up something useless like drawing because I think I could become good at other things too or at least I like them. Or even more likely just be an average boring tired university student who has no fun and still gets average grades and drops in the last quarter or something like that.

I wish very much I could have lived a relatively normal life.

I'm sorry for making another post, I think this summarizes everything a bit.

 No.239514

>parents have a list of about five things they complain about at least once a week
>one is how much my aunt/my dad's sister focuses on things to complain about
I wonder if my parents have any self awareness

 No.239517

>>239514
everyone likes to complain.

 No.239520

>>239517
I've never complained in my life!

 No.239526

So tired of seeing successful "wizards" on here. Call me a crab if you want, it just doesn't sit right with me when some people casually mention their white collar desk jobs and flaunt their wealth around. It should be a requirement to have a dead end job for minimum wage or neetbux before posting.

 No.239532

>>239526
I'm a 25 y/o skill-less apprentice that never ever had a job, and if I ever get a job I will probably end up as a walmart cashier.

That said I don't think it's a good idea to restrict posting even more, yeah It's a bit annoying to see "wizards" posting about their lawyer jobs or something, but as long as they're virgins there's nothing to do about it.

 No.239544

Assuming everyone visiting this board is actually depressed I don't get all the hate and aggressive shitposting, the bragging and the accusations. Everyone's life here is shitty according to the theme of the board, why do so many seem to know what's best for you and what you should do or not do to be happy? And why do they promote their ideas of a good life do harshly? When they are depressed at the same time or they wouldn't be posting here. So in fact all their opinions are wrong by default or they wouldn't be here. It doesn't add up.

 No.239554

Everywhere I go (on the internet or IRL) I see happier, more successful people than me, literally everyone is miles ahead of me in everything, what is the possibility that the fucking entire world is better than me? Am I really such a subhuman that the entire humanity is really above me? What happened to me? How I managed to get into this situation that looks like a twisted, fucked up comedy?

I can only hope that this is just some kind of simulation and that I will wake up or escape it when I kill myself, I just can't comprehend this, this is not supposed to happen, this is a mistake!

 No.239586

Trying your best and everything still getting worse is an awful life.

 No.239587

>>239532
>but as long as they're virgins there's nothing to do about it
These white collar improvebruh types who post here are normalfags and are definitely not virgins

 No.239643

Neighbours are starting up their passive aggressive bullshit again. Or, rather, they're finding new and interesting ways to gaslight and/or harass my parents and I.

Not sure why they targeted my family, but it's draining.

 No.239661

Did somebody read "psychologihal self-help" by Clay Tucker-Ladd? Did it help you?

 No.239690

>>238638
I don't know what's with the hate against video games. I'd honestly rather play video games 8+ hours a day rather than spend 8+ hours on the internet. With video games atleast my brain is doing some work.

 No.239796

I work on a farm where horrendous animal abuse and neglect happens every day, but the government people doing annual inspections don't care because they're "farm animals", not people's pets. Chickens are having their eyes literally rot out of their heads from infection and no one cares. I was taking them to the vet, but my boss called them and lied to them saying everyone's healthy now. I can't take any more to the vet because if I do, they will (rightfully) report this to some animal health authority, and then all of the birds including the healthy ones will be euthanized. Makes me want to die, watching and being able to do very little. I hate this evil fucking planet full of heartless soulless robots.

 No.239811

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I can’t do it anymore. I’m so tired. I just want to fall asleep and never wake up.

 No.239813

>>238320
I relate to you so much… It really makes you go insane, I swear, one of these days…….. They keep screaming, running around, jumping and everything, while their equally loud and disgusting parents laugh and shout all day, directly above my ceiling. I can't go anywhere. Don't have any friends, my father's house does not have a room I can sleep in. Don't even have an excuse to go outside or anything because of this pandemic.

My life, everything is already so fucked up, and this had to come on top of it… Every single day is a herculean struggle against myself not to lose my sanity.

I'm working towards getting out of here, but the closest possibility I have to leave is around next year, and I don't think I'll be able to hold my mind together for that long

I feel more dissociative day by day, like I'm losing my mind bit by bit, like my brain is rotting.

It's too much. It's too much. It's too much

 No.239996

laying in bed listening to depressing music feeling hollow unsure how to help myself as there is nothing I really want. TTherapy yet to help drugs yet to help beyond a benzo when needed. Life seems to pure boredom between finding something to distract myself with which gives way to boredom and always present dread.

 No.240022

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anyone else feel like they've seen it all?
I've grown completely tired of this world.
consuming media does nothing for me anymore. When I'm actually awake I just feel an empty numbness. I just want to sleep it all away. I don't have the motivation to do anything else.

 No.240024

>>240022

More like I do not want to see anything else, like growing such a taste for non-existence.

 No.240045

Why do i keep trying to destroy my own life i just got accepted into whats probably the most desireable university and course in my whole country but i just cant fucking stop myself from literally destroying all future opportunities. Its like im not really in control i cant even try to prevent it.

 No.240059

>>240022
>>240024
I feel the same, I think it's bound to happen to people like us. one thing i find funny about some normals is how they are so scared of death, saying they are afraid it will be just nothingness after the end. they are terrorized to cease to exist completely, while that is such a calming thought for me. It gives me hope that one day I won't suffer anymore, one day, inevitably, I will escape this hell

 No.240066

aaah i will quit imageboards forever this time. i wont come back to even lurk. just watch the months pass and youll believe me this time. and human interaction as a whole. i want to never again talk to anyone. everyone is extremely aggressive and unfriendly and i dont get it.

i want to feel very, very lonely.

loneliness is the best. i feel like killing everyone or abandoning everyone rather than being abandoned, its a surreal discrete psychological change that happens in an instant, it cannot be reversed and it feels frightening, like im walking through the door to another world i have no idea how it works and making a mistake but i think ill do it, i think i cant be normal and walk on the same tread as everyone else even though i want to and dont want to give up, i just cant because my life sucks way too much. i want to forget the rest of the world exists. it feels so light and free and that i can do anything. i used to think kindness is the most important value, lately ive been thinking maybe freedom is important too and thinking that fear is bad just like evilness.

im not fully sure if ill be a 2d addict or a math/programming wizard yet. i think i can still be without equal after years of uninterrupted studying despite my age, whenever i get to reading my brain feels more flexible than ever, i think i have the brains and the willpower but its pointless now. there are no interesting companies in this country, i should have started when i was between 4-12. i think id have chosen computers over fun and spent all my school life studying. oth anime succubi are kind without pretense. theres no middle ground, i want to get fully lost in something.

im awful, im the worst person on earth. mentally ill freak subhuman creep normalfag faggot loser retard boring lame abomination monster. everyone else is nice.

i feel very awesome but im extremely afraid. and im very sorry for having lived like this.

ahhhh i want to forget all of this happened. ill never come back. bye.

 No.240113

ahhhhhhh obnoxious retarded retard

i feel like i can become so focused. i think its realistic to become awesome at programming and mathematics after some years, i think i definitely have the right mindset, i think its a waste of brain. i can spend my entire lifetime assimilating abstract concepts to my brain and writing and rewriting information in it and not get mentally tired, on the contrary it just feels like accelerating. i think my thinking is extremely fast, including for things like arithmetic with a lot of numbers. i dont know, i think i "get it" and im very intuitive and could do just this and forget about everything else. there isnt anything i can say really other than i think i could be very good and feel like i found my mission and that i could spend the rest of my life getting significantly better after each hour, i feel like a monster. i havent studied anything seriously or consistently at all so far but i think i could give up on everything even on music and my only rest would be sleep. and id go to bed reviewing what i learned. i swear im extremely hyperactive and i think it can be focused into pure rationality and usefulness.

i think im not a lazy retarded loser, i think i just tried to play along with everyone else my whole life because im too scared to be myself or dont believe in myself because i have negative self esteem or something along those lines. it wasnt even playing along with everyone else, just a distorted image i invented out of fear.

i want to spend the rest of my life alone, im too broken. im not like this, i think its not too late to be what i think i am but it is definitely pointless now, like doing something only i know ever happened that serves to prove a point or something but i already know it. its meaningless.

i think galge arent meaningless, theyre the most useless things but im giving them my own meaning. i want to live in nice worlds where people are nice to each other and no one is a technocratic edgelord.

i wish so much i had been born with a better life. i really dont care about consuming media or otherwise "wasting" time, id spend all my school life learning and i wish i could have been an artist, i like to make people smile, i wish i could show people nice things only i can see. i think its not selfish, on the contrary. i think my own life is meaningless but not necessarily everyone has a meaningless life so i could make them better or something along those lines. i think i would be extremely quiet and focused.

im retarded. bad bad bad everything bad. every insult in the dictionary.

im very very sorry.

i want to spend the rest of my life alone and then die like this didnt happen. im just a low iq looney. i want to be alone and forget about the rest of the world. i dont know yet, i think ill just be a happy hikikomori who made their brains forget about everything, i think the only alternative is completely pointless and meaningless but its so pure and feels like ascending to the heavens and just levitating too far above anyone else so that no one even knows i exist, its extremely frightening. i dont know, i am confusion. im sorry.

 No.240132

ahhh i dont know. i think its either one eroge after the other until i die without even viewing images or listening to music or becoming a computer, maths and programming wizard. im so confident i can do that. its not enough of a handicap that ive wasted 22 years of my life and am extremely poor and unhealthy, i think i can still catch up with spoiled kid script kiddies and then overtake them before they even know it. youre the normalfags. i think its all a consequence of being taught im unimportant and should just bite the bullet from a young age and being taught fear instead of freedom, im used to humiliating myself, i dont have a self image. its so deep rooted into my thinking i cant change it even if i consciously acknowledge it. im called crazy and retarded and made fun of even though im doing exactly what everyone else is doing despite the fact i can conceive of better things and want to do other things but i dont want to be alone. i dont know, in school i was praised practically every day and every class, i think im much better than the average autist child prodigy, i feel like flying with numbers and computers. i dont know, im extremely confident and afraid of myself. i wish very much i had money and could choose what ill do with my life as a kid, i wish i were an artist, i can imagine spending every moment of my life making awesome images, animations, albums, videogames, writing useful papers, just because i love other people very much and want to be helpful and share how i see things. i dont want to live for myself, thats extremely small, i want to contribute and make things together with others. everyone is an arrogant edgelord, everyone thinks its right to kill and rape and do drugs now, i cant imagine myself crossing the street when the traffic light is still red and i feel awful when torrenting and downloading things from the internet without paying. i dont know. after years of studying i think ill become very awesome, i want at least a degree in mathematics and another in cs. i think i know what to study and how, the degrees are just useful and give other useful things to learn and a useful cv. not that i think ill ever use it. i can spend all my time eating one book after the other, i think that i think very deeply and fast and have awesome memory, i can spend all my day memorizing hundreds of commands one after the other or reading and understanding code. at least i think i can improve indefinitely. it feels like accelerating out of control. im freeing my brain from the burden of language and thinking only in symbols, just "feeling it" etc. i feel so focused but i want to feel very lonely. i dont want to ever talk to anyone again. if anyone talks to me ill just ignore them, i could be tortured and id be too focused in my own internal world and thinking of ways to do things without letting people become variables. i dont know. i also could just play dating sims and be a happy hikikomori until i die. i dont know whats the point in "being myself" or being free for the sake of freedom itself if youre not going to do anything with it. i really fancy the ideal dream world of galge where everyone is nice to each other without pretense and there are no villains or things to do other than tell each other how much you love each other and being together forever. i dont know which path ill take, theres really no middle ground. im retarded, awful, delusional boring lame subhuman ugly crazy low iq completely out of touch with reality boring bored everything bad, im really the worst and stupid etc. and everyone else is good and creative and intrsopective yeah yeah ill be back next month sure. i feel like living completely inside myself now. if i found the key to another dimension of infinite happiness where everything is perfect and good forever i would just naturally walk through it and not care about this world anymore, i wouldnt be able to think about telling everyone else about it. even though i wish i could be with everyone else.
retarded lunatic awful stupid dumb aaaahhhh.

 No.240154

ahhh retard. embarrassing. low iq. subhuman. talks to himself in threads that reached the bump limit. thinks hes smart. im everything bad.
im very afraid and very sorry. i want to live completely alone now. im not sure what ill do. i think i could become very good at computers and maths if i took them seriously and become a completely different person in a few years but i think ill just play eroge because it seems pointless pain to do anything else in my circumstances. i wish i could be with everyone else. im very sorry. goodbye.

 No.240164

>>240066
>>240113
>>240132
>>240154
Stop posting your nonsense here and post more music on /b/

 No.240172

I usually never break fragile things and now I broke two glasses in the last two months. It's concerning.

 No.240191

File: 1621381109617.jpg (197.41 KB, 1024x768, 4:3, 946827bc39a8232ea4a759ee74….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I'm degenerating more and more every day and it scares me. When I was younger I thought this lifestyle of mine was a bad habit, to be shuffled off when I "got it together". Still hasn't happened, I live in squalor and spend my days in front of a screen in a near-vegetative state. I read about wizards who can go out and do fantastic things to keep themselves alive, engage their minds in philosophy and art and literature, wizards who can leave the house and interact with the world and be successful and not be some shambling ugly abortion-thing who can't string a sentence together. It makes me scared. I'm scared that no matter how hard I flail, my course is set and no amount of "changing my habits" and "using willpower" will save me. Some people are just ordained to spiral down into a hell of their own making, forever.

The panic is settling in around me. I can't transmute these experiences into wisdom like Emil Cioran. I can't do anything except whine incoherently and scream and hope things will change. But God, if only things would change. My head won't stop throbbing. I'm an atheist, but I've recently taken to looking forlornly at the heavens and muttering something that amounts to a prayer. Wasn't raised Christian, so the proper protocol is lost on me–but He is a keen one from what I hear, and the magnitude of my suffering may reach him, if He is there to receive it. They say people who have nobody turn to God. I live with my family, but it's more akin to rooming with strangers. The mistake of my birth and its consequences are plain as day on my mother's face. She doesn't even try to hide her pained expression when she sees me. I think I'll XXXX her first when I'm setting things right. It's good for an entire family to ascend to heaven.

what do you say when you have nothing to say? something like this. my life and the things i say are so bereft of meaning. sometimes when my 8 year old cousins come over they'll say something so simple yet so direct that it takes me off guard. there's no filter there that makes them question whether or not something is worth saying. kids are the most honest creatures there are.

Chinese succubus ran away when I left my house for groceries again. She took one look over her shoulder and then sped up her walk, brisk pace, then started running; I didn't know someone her age could move that fast. I want a meteorite to strike the earth and wipe out everything on it. I can't stomach philosophical tracts. It must be nice, to have your head stuffed full of concepts gleaned from the ancients and their wise men. Must be very nice. Wish I could say the same. Perhaps next I'll say something like how it's all wordplay in one form or another but taking an actual stance on things is beyond my ability at this point.

It is hard to be honest. The filter is always there. It takes me five sentences to express what most people can in one. what a disappointing mess. wizards scare me. i can't imagine being in a room with most of them. so do normalfolk, of course, but being around people who you share many traits with yet cannot connect to is painful in a different way. the panic has settled in. it's just a constant roar now. God, please save me. God, help me if you're there. Please, God.

 No.240192

>>240191
This reads as if it is an amalgam of all of my posting history on this website.

 No.240194


 No.240195

>>240191
read The Bible anon

 No.240196

>>240191
hey, dont know if you will read this but i relate to everything you say in this post. i am very brain damaged, and an idiot in general. i cant even play video games watch a movie or be "lazy"

when outside people scream at me, or run away from me too.
i am a mental patient im a psycho sometimes and cant be even somewhat normal to insane people who think im creepy.
it doesnt get better but knowing there is someone like me out there made my day.

 No.240202

File: 1621395072570.png (445.25 KB, 852x480, 71:40, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>240164
no. listen, ive spent the last days just lurking various imageboards and flavoring humankind one last time. i feel like im graduating from humanity and becoming free even though i dont want to. ive tried communicating with other people from the bottom of my heart and tried to be accepted at the cost of my own freedom, i want to make amazing things for you but you dont trust me and i cant change your mind. im experiencing something very exclusive and am setting my mind free, its extremely scary and like im making a mistake but awesome. i still havent chosen between being a happy hikikomori who thinks only of 2d gfs, or academia and computers, i feel like i could be jaw dropping good after some years should i choose the latter. i feel like levitating to the heavens, where i can make anything i can imagine, it feels like accelerating endlessly and out of control. like im everything in the universe. im definitely flipping a hidden switch somewhere in my brain. its scary, im extremely afraid. sometimes it feels so happy and at others very pure, serious and serene. i want to be alone now, i want to feel very very lonely, do not disturb. sorry about everything. bye bye.

 No.240204

>>240202
Sounds like an acid trip

 No.240218

File: 1621415415755.jpg (2.16 MB, 1582x1920, 791:960, Saint Paul the Hermit.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>240191
May God free us from this miserable existence. Is this a personal purgatory to prepare us for the heavenly delights?

>>240195
I would start with the Ecclesiastes
>Vanity of vanities, said Ecclesiastes vanity of vanities, and all is vanity.
>What hath a man more of all his labour, that he taketh under the sun?
>One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth standeth for ever.
>The sun riseth, and goeth down, and returneth to his place: and there rising again

>St. Alphonsus Liguori "Preparation for Death"

CONSIDERATION I.
Portrait of a Man who has recently gone into
the Other World.

“ Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return.” — Gen. iii. 19.

FIRST POINT.

The Body on the Death-bed.

CONSIDER that you are dust, and that you shall return to
dust. A day will come when you shall die, and rot in
a grave, where worms shall be your covering (Isai.,
xiv, 11). The same lot awaits all, the nobleman and the
peasant, the prince and the vassal. The moment the soul
leaves the body, it shall go to eternity, and the body shall
return to dust. Thou shalt send forth their breath, and they
shall fail and shall return to their dust (Ps. ciii, 29).

Imagine that you behold a person who has just expired.
Look at that body still laid on the bed, the head fallen on
the chest, the hair in disorder and still bathed in the
sweat of death, the eyes sunk, the cheeks hollow, the
face the color of ashes, the lips and tongue like iron, the
body cold and heavy. The beholders grow pale and
tremble. How many, at the sight of a deceased relative or
friend, have changed their life and retired from the world!
Still greater horror will be excited when the body begins
to putrefy. Twenty-four hours have not elapsed since the
death of that young man, and his body has already begun
to exhale an offensive smell. The windows must be
opened; a great quantity of incense must be used; and, to
prevent the communication of disease to the entire
family, he must soon be transferred to the church, and
buried in the earth. “If he has been one of the rich or
nobles of the earth, his body shall send forth a more
intolerable stench,” («Gravius foetent divitum corpora» In
Hexamer. 1. 6, c. 8) says Saint Ambrose.

Behold the end of that proud, of that lewd and voluptuous
man! Before death desired and sought after in
conversations, now become an object of horror and disgust to all who behold him. His relatives are in haste to
remove him from the house; they hire men to shut him up
in a coffin, to carry him to the church-yard and throw him
into a grave. During life, the fame of his wit, of his
politeness, of the elegance of his manners, and of his
facetiousness, was spread abroad; but after death he is
soon forgotten. Their memory hath perished with a noise
(Ps. ix, 7).
On hearing the news of his death, some say, He was an
honor to his family; others say, He has provided well for
his children. Some regret his death because he had done
them some service during life; others rejoice at it because
it is an advantage to them. But in a little time no one
speaks of him. In the beginning, his nearest relatives feel
unwilling to hear his name, through fear of renewing their
grief. In the visits of condolence, all are careful to make
no mention of the deceased; and should any happen to
speak of him, the relatives exclaim, For God's sake, do not
mention his name!

Consider that as you have acted on the occasion of the
death of friends and relatives, so others will act on the
occasion of your death. The living take part in the scene.
They occupy the possessions and offices of the deceased;
but the dead are no longer remembered— their name is
scarcely ever mentioned. In the beginning, their relatives
are afflicted for a short time; but they will soon be
consoled by the share of the property of the deceased
which falls to them.

Thus in a short time your death will be rather a source of
joy; and in the very room in which you have breathed
forth your soul, and in which you have been judged by
Jesus Christ, others will dance, and eat, and play, and
laugh as before. And where will your soul then be ?

 No.240249

File: 1621463667217.png (316.98 KB, 852x480, 71:40, steady.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>240204
you could say that. i think that lucid dreaming while in a comatose state is better as a "realistic" metaphor.

eroge is true happiness. but also its death and gets boring fast.

im most confident ill be an outstanding programmer. i will work miracles with numbers, you will be impressed, trust me. sleep will be my only rest and music my only pleasure.

im dying inside myself, its so scary maybe i wont do it. i know my brain is just carbon but it feels surreal. i feel in motion for the first time in my life, and im the source of energy of my own movement.

i just wanted to be normal and have friends, and be nice and helpful, and use my creativity to make others smile. my happiness is the happiness of others. i wanted to show nice things only i can see. i really wanted to draw a lot and make a lot of music and nice games.

now im living in a paradise of my own, that i myself made. im free and feel super but completely alone and no one knows i exist. im flying above the clouds.

this hellish life will have been for naught if the apocalypse comes
before i complete my studies.

see you in a decade or so.

 No.240267

File: 1621496198855.png (331.49 KB, 693x348, 231:116, view.png) ImgOps iqdb

alright, im really done this time.
i think ill be a very cool person in some years. i need to feel completely alone and undisturbed.
goodbye.

 No.240268

see you in two weeks

 No.240284

What is it about anime?

 No.240292

>>240267
You know what, after all I still prefer your posts to 99% of the internet even they repeat themselves in cycles. When you are like me then you prefer not deciding on anything and dwelling in pointless thoughts for years.

 No.240319

File: 1621660155532.png (142.89 KB, 269x301, 269:301, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

aah retarded loser idiot freak. im the worst. i just meant to lurk one last time but i found a math thread in another imageboard and made 3 posts. and am feeling anxiety and panic. i want the last time i ever talk to anyone to be very meaningful and cool.
im very sorry. im really obsessed with programming and maths, ill focus on cryptography, ai and computer security with solid theoretical foundations but it will take 4 to 8 years. im excited and confident, i think ill be good. ill really spend the rest of my life just looking at computer screens and not thinking of people, in a world of my own. its very scary. im so scared. i dont want to do this i think its a mistake but i think theres no alternative. ive never felt so dead and alive at the same time. i think i always knew this would happen deep inside but wanted to delay it by as much as possible and told myself im like everyone else. it will be amazing, it feels so awesome, but no one will know it happened and it will be very desolate, always alone. im very afraid, very very afraid, i wish i could be with everyone else. im very sorry for posting again. i hope with 50 or something posts ive been able to get across something.

 No.240320

File: 1621660477406.gif (297.37 KB, 220x220, 1:1, 1592100104490.gif) ImgOps iqdb

>>240319
guess who's back, back again

 No.240357

>>240284
It partially fills the void.

 No.240478

>>237997
>>238003
lol I thought I was on /fascist/ or /pol/ for a moment whatever
wonder how antinatalism and shit are compatible with right wing believe

 No.240637

File: 1622060510054.jpg (74.42 KB, 960x540, 16:9, no mistakes, only happy ac….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>240320
i dont know, i just wanted to say one last time how terrified and awesome im feeling

ive definitely decided on computers i think. when i wake up i hurry to my computer and spend the day learning about linux, mathematics, programming, reading textbooks, etc. then go to bed making mental reviews of what i learned. im confident and very excited and addicted i think ill be awesome, i think of these things all day every day and theres nothing else in my brain except electronic music maybe, i am the computer. ill get a bs in maths, and ms and phd in cryptology and computer security. 11 years of studying only and im happy. ive been told i dont have to be alone and isolated but its precisely what i want.

im dying inside myself and i feel like my soul is being blown away by the wind, ive wasted my whole life watching normal people from very afar and trying to understand how do they work and trying to catch glimpses into these worlds and wishing that by some miracle i could wake up the next day as a person like everyone else. i think im straying from the path i was supposed to follow and im doing something i think is wrong. im very scared, i feel very afraid but it feels so happy and free. i dont know, i just wanted to say that, that im feeling the most terrifying and soul freezing fear that makes you go eternally aaaaaaaaaaaah and at the same time im otherworldy happy, i feel like flying, complete freedom and that i can make anything my brain is capable of conceiving. its very scary, im scared, i think im doing something like erasing myself from existence, jumping into an abyss i know i wont come back from, and giving up on something i wasnt supposed to give up on no matter what but i think im hopeless. i dont know, i wanted to be normal and tread on the same path as everyone else, i dont get people who say things like kill all X, i just wish i could have been born into a decent enough life that i could wear cute clothes and draw a lot and occasionally drop by discord and talk to friends while playing videogames, i dont know, i wish i were normal and experience a normal life like everyone else. ill just spend the rest of my life staring at emacs, pdfs, the terminal, and never again think of anything else. im flying above all this horny edgelord teenager social media stuff and am immune to things like hentai or videogames and so forth, i just like programming and maths. and maybe listening to trance and techno music. i dont know, i live in the clouds now far above your dear earth, its death and life at the same time, its very empty and filling at the same time, i i just wish i were normal and could experience nice things. i dont know, i feel like ascending to heaven, dying, its very weird and exclusive and true loneliness. i dont know im super scared im very afraid but i think im going to do it, it feels so pure and amazing and dead. i dont know, maybe the universe will explode or something and i shouldnt take this leap of faith, it feels that awesome and scary but i think ill do it. i hope one day you will feel like this and i hope you wont feel like youre dying and being erased and that youre leaving everyone and everything that matters behind, i feel so much focus. i wish i could be with everyone else, i wish that a lot.

sorry for making another post, i can promise to at least not post on new dep crawl threads, if i ever post again it will be like this in threads that are on their way to page 10 after reaching the bumplimit so as to not disturb normal posters. i dont know, im very scared and im feeling awesome and i think ill be a world class cryptanalyst and i hope to live another 22 years at least , thats all. ahhh retarded freak attention whore huge faggot subhuman normalfaggotnigger aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh. i dont know, i hope ive been able to express that im scared to my bones and im feeling amazing.

immediately after posting this ill turn off this laptop and cast the dice. and ill live the childhood i missed. ill be a weapon, a minister of death, praying for war. but until that day im a puke, the lowest form of life on earth.

 No.240695

File: 1622111621684.png (750.06 KB, 796x597, 4:3, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know im just very happy very very happy i think i reached true happiness and if i can have a life after im gone through my studies my life will have just started im definitely a crazy lonely freak but i think im a happy crazy lonely freak now, i think ive graduated from this board and lost the rights to post on /dep/ i should hate my life and i should want to kill myself but i think i like programming and maths very much, im very lucky to have found programming and its all i want to do now its all i think about. gung-ho
im just a freak talking to himself please dont mind me

 No.240696

ahh sorry for being a retard

 No.240698

File: 1622113056755.jpg (1.3 MB, 1700x1400, 17:14, bow.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>240695
A fellow fanatic.

 No.240721

File: 1622122325552.png (591.37 KB, 650x704, 325:352, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know if its true happiness i dont know, im a retard, im too broken, im mentally ill, im the worst. i dont know. i wish i had a time machine, i wish i had a second chance, i want to go back to when i was 6, i would have spent two entire years studying drawing and two entire years studying music and doing nothing else, i dont care about not playing videogames or whatever and from age 11 on id focus on maths and programming but on weekends id spend the entire saturday drawing a perfect image or page and the entire sunday making a perfect song, from age 11 on each year id make 5 albums and two illustration books on average assuming each album has 10 songs and each book 25 pages (50 weekends in a year). i dont know, i think i like drawing much more than programming even though programming is more profitable and i think programming is a much deeper art, some days ago i drew deplorable ms paint shits because i knew theyre the only things id ever draw, what choosing programming entices is accepting ill always be crushed by reality and i cant ever have anything my way and giving up on communicating entirely and just living alone like i wasnt even born in the first place, ive never even existed, if i exist in anyones mind it surely must be as some repugnant creature theyd love to forget about, i dont know. im very sorry for being retarded and using this thread as my blog, everyone else just makes a post every now and then and theyre modest and brief. by being normal or having a normal life i just mean being allowed to make choices, im 22 and i didnt live a day of my life until now it was just being ordered and feeling pressured and like a slave, it feels so surreal that i can just do anything i want to and not care about anyone else. i dont know. im everything i dont want to be and im nothing i wanted to become. i dont know im awful at communicating, everything i say comes off as gibberish and nonsense and madness so it must be true. i have been told i have a persecution complex and it hit a bit too close to home, reading even simple posts make my brain go haywire like what is that person thinking or are they being ironic and they probably hate me etc. i dont know im broken beyond all relief. i think i can turn all of this anxiety and hyperactivity etc into pure creative focus and never think about anything else, i think computers and maths are the right choice for me but not for anyone else, i dont know life sucks i just wanted to draw. self important retard everything bad retard retard retard. i dont know but my brain feels super and i feel like its a gift, i feel so much mental plasticity and every time i start reading a textbook i feel awesome. i dont know i wish i could share this. im insane thats all. very bad person.

 No.240740

File: 1622132265423.png (93.62 KB, 400x431, 400:431, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know theres nothing else to say. i hope if anyone read anything ive said if they thought something like "well ok i sort of get what this mumbling abomination is saying but not really" its enough and im happy.
ill probably never again talk to anyone in my life, maybe my phd advisor if i go through this, besides being mentally broken my physical health also sucks a lot, if i give up ill just be a neet and play dating sims until i die. i dont know i wish my life were very different and i wish i had spent my childhood learning drawing and music and maths and programming, i love those 4 things, if i could have made the choice, if i had a computer earlier and found these things as a child and had a relatively normal family i think id have made that choice, i would spend every day learning and improving and not care about things like videogames even if i could afford them. and i think if i could have done that by now i could have friends and id be very happy. id still do them even if i knew id never have friends. ill focus on computers only because its a lot of things to study and im getting old fast, there are so many things from apl to zahlring and becoming a programming wizard requires complete dedication and focus, i could have taken it easy if i began a decade earlier but now its all ill do my life. i dont know i really like it because it lets my mind fly freely but also its very lonely. right now im very stupid and just getting started but im very confident.
i think ill be very normal from now on as far as appearences are concerned, ill be very cordial and reserved. i dont know, im a looney and inside my head im going through something that feels very awesome but its very lonely, its happiness but a very sad and cold happiness, i dont know, its like im giving up on an ideal i should hold on to no matter what but obviously i have to let go and just fall into the abyss.
im just a retard narcistic subhuman third worlder mental problems thats all.
ive said this a hundred times already and am probably lying again but i think this time its true, at least i promise if i keep posting i wont disturb the normal people on the other thread. i dont know, i dont think i want attention, im just venting because im very upset at this shit life and i wish i could leave a mark of my existence somewhere, no one should have to read any of this garbage. i dont know im the worst and not supposed to live, i shouldnt have been born and so far it really has been like ive never been alive.

 No.240769

i dont know i dont want to do this im very afraid
i think i can stop caring completely about things like being normal or trying to be normal and just live in my own headworld with computers, im afraid of lonely happiness and being able to do anything i want to, im afraid of freedom i just wish i were normal and could have normal conversations with other people, mentally ill abomination freak everything bad. broken defective.

 No.240776

File: 1622170597368.png (1.38 MB, 1624x912, 203:114, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

please god please listen to me, please let me a second chance, please let me be good, i just want to draw a lot and make a lot of music and program a lot, i love other people so much, i want to live for others, serve others, i want to make others happy, ive spent the whole day crying on bed, the whole day, i dont know, i dont want to suffer anymore, im tired, ive always accepted suffering and ive never cared one bit about being detested and made fun of everywhere i go, ive never cared about having no material possessions i think i just cant it anymore, im too mentally and physically broken, ive spent the whole day pulling my hair and thrashing my body around on bed, i have to go through hell for the simplest of things, i dont know, i want to keep going but i think its impossible. im afraid of the void, im afraid of the abyss, im not like this, im different, i want to be better no matter what, i dont care what i have to go through, fucking mutant mentally ill abomination monster hellspawn im the worst thing to ever grace this planet, i deserve all of this, i deserve this torturous existence, i deserve to be mentally ill, im not sure what ive done but it must have been something awful. embarrassing nonexistence third worlder subhuman, im not a life form just a suffering machine that at best outputs things to be laughed at cringed at. i dont know how normal people do it. i dont know. in my current mood id pick dating sims over programming, i cant take drawing and music no matter what because im old .and if i want to become a computer wizard i should embrace loneliness and accept my existence will never be acknowledged and ill always read more than code. i dont know. i think this is wrong and unacceptable, i think art is only meaningful if its meaningful to others not to the artist, i dont know how to put it i have to tell myself ill never again interact with anyone if i want to actually become exceptional at something but in that case why not just play dating sims. i dont know i really love them and its ideal happiness, worlds where everyone is nice to each other and everyone loves each other and there are no conflicts. im insane i dont belong in this world, i actively make it a worse place by refusing to kill myself and clinging to this idea that i love others and want to belong somewhere and if not then i can be happy on my own i dont know. im insane, im suffering a lot mentally, the more i look back on my life and try to analyze it fairly without self-scrutiny the more i think it was an accumulation of increasingly awful experiences, i dont know im very broke and a lot of bad things happened and more than that i chose very bad ways of dealing with them that only damaged me more and more. my brain is a mess, im very proud of it and very happy to have been given this brain but its full of untold pain.

 No.240823

File: 1622220136670.png (186.12 KB, 400x285, 80:57, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i dont know
every time i give up on this and i spend some time alone giving up after some time i feel like ive mentally recovered and its time to go back so if that happens every time it means giving up is just a waste of time and i should charge and not stop until im in a coffin
i dont know theres no way to put it in a convincing way that wont make it sound like im a pseudo intellectual im just very confident about computers maths and programming and youll just have to wait and see, im practically painting myself as a target but i dont care much. i will spend a lot of time with very thick textbooks and i love the theoretical side of things, books about automata theory type theory category theory riemannian geometry proof theory algebraic number theory etc ill spend a lot of time with just these but eventually ill turn my focus to more practical things
im just very afraid i think im turning off the part of my brain that cares about kindness and doesnt care about being stepped on and takes all edgelords lightly and cant imagine being a sadist and just wants to protect others and live for a community or greater cause, im living completely in my headworld now and i dont have to care about anything aside from my room, my computer, my monitors, emacs pdfs the terminal etc, everything can be controlled from here. i dont want to not care i want to care and i want to live by values niceness tenderness and altruism i dont want to be a sadistic technopath thats just what everyone else does ive tried doing something different and i think i could have done something different if i were born in better circumstances and could lead by example but this life sucks a lot you have no idea, i have to deal with things like extreme physical pain, yesterday i spent the whole day feeling a lot of body pains for no apparent reason, i couldnt get up from bed and cried and screamed a lot in frustration i dont know. i dont know im just so addicted to programming i can spend several days and nights awake and completely ignore the rest of the world, my brain feels very awesome and i feel very awesome, i think im a very privileged person despite everything
i dont know sorry for ruining wizchan i hope with 100 or so posts i have managed to get something across, i feel like ive never existed or at most i will exist only for so long as this thread exists, ive never had a life and from now on ill have a very different sort of life and it will be very solitary like i dont even exist, i dont feel like a ghost on earth but rather im the sole soul in all of heaven, its very free and happy but so lonely and cold. i dont know im a looney freak subhuman but i think im going through a very awesome internal change and i wanted to document it somehow. sorry for existing sorry for being retarded and all the bad things i am, i wish i were better i wish i could have lived a life such that i could be accepted somewhere, not just anywhere i dont know how to put it. and i love drawing and making music a lot even though im putting these things away indefinitely.
i dont know sorry

 No.240838

File: 1622232924464.jpg (1.45 MB, 1034x1462, 517:731, ayy lmao.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know jesus christ im so scared but it feels so awesome. my mind is exploding. i feel like im popping a hole at the center of my brain and it just sucks and assimilates information like a whirlpool, i feel at the eye of a hurricane and im surrendering myself to this. i feel defeated. ive lost to myself, i feel light as a feather, gliding on the wind, its the most terrifying and the greatest feeling there is. i dont know i wanted to be normal and have friends and talk about useless things like everyone else. when i lurk imageboards and read people talking about the weather or whatever it makes me sad, its something very simple but that i cant experience no matter what.
i became too used to repression and having a negative self esteem and being told what to do and never having anything go my way and im used to lowering my head to everyone, im used to self humiliation and putting myself in situations a normal person would never think of being put in let alone putting themselves in. i dont know i hate myself a lot but computers et al makes me feel confident and that i can do anything. i dont know its very weird, im very happy but i feel so dead. i feel like walking through a door to another world and completely forgetting about everything and everyone that exists here. i dont know im very scared. im terrified but it feels like ive found the answers to everything. and i couldnt care less if i died in a ditch or were tortured or anything, i live completely in my own mind, in my own world. i dont know. practically speaking it will take a long time before i do anything useful, there are many hundreds of books that i want to read and dozens of languages i want to master. "no one knows all of science, not even von neumann" (edward teller). i think this will lead to nothing, i think ill just die of very painful cancer in my 40s assuming ww3 or something doesnt happen before then. i think ill just die like ive never existed which is why im making these retarded embarrassing cringy posts. i dont know. communicating and being together with other people are very important to me and i think im giving up on that and it sets me free, i hope one day someone will find me and pull me out of this abyss im jumping into. its an infinite underworld, agartha, there are many awesome things down here but i wish to be on the surface with everyone else.
i dont know im very sorry for being a cringy retarded loser manchild everything bad embarrassing bla bla bla. i just wanted to say how i feel i think. if anyone read all of this bullshit then its like i existed, just a tiny bit i did i think.
i dont know i cant say this enough times, im very afraid, i feel awesome but so dead. its a very privileged and exclusive experience, i just like maths and programming a lot and practically speaking i guess im just completely rewiring my brain to be the best possible at these things. i dont know its really cool i dont care about things like masturbating or videogames or anything else anymore. right now its incomprehensible why anyone would do anything but read and learn things and program and make things, why would people consume media instead of making it and more puzzling than anything is why do people seemingly waste time with things like imageboards or discord or whatever. im not one to talk, not right now at least. i dont know. im just very glad i found programming. i think im making a mistake and doing something i wasnt supposed to do, if theres a god i hope they will forgive me. i dont know, it feels like dying. from the perspective of a photon, the universe lasts only an instant and im feeling that for myself now, i feel free but it amounts to nothing, it will feel like i reached infinity but it will only last an instant. i dont know im just a severely low iq weirdo mentally ill unimportant nobody cares about bad slime. i dont know im very scared and i dont want to do this but i think i will. theres no answer, everyone hates me, i cant communicate, i dont understand people, everyone treats me like utter garbage, i think im not so ill have to do my own thing far away from everyone else. its all i wanted to but i cant be accepted anywhere, theres no place for me but i think i can create my own, im starting something different and very original.
i dont know. crazy crazy crazy lunatic mentally ill subhuman stupid bla bla bla. yes thats all i am.

 No.240851

>>240823
>>240838
there's no way you can ruin a thread made for the purposes of venting

as far as volume goes, there is a paucity of "suffering material" made by outcasts (and for outcasts, since the writer knows his audience best)

 No.240859

File: 1622269337809.png (490.67 KB, 700x635, 140:127, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i think im going to really give up
i have been thinking like crazy how to fit all the things i want to study in 4 or 8 or 12 or 15 year time spans but its too many textbooks and too little time and i cant seem to find an ideal way to go about this, i dont know its just that i set the bar too high for myself and too much of a perfectionist and i really want to know a lot of things like ive said before, fourier analysis and the quantum fourier transform theres just a lot of things and i think i could have managed these things if i could have started when i was in school but now its too late, by the time im done learning everything i want to know ill be too old to do much for myself or anyone else really. i dont want to be a stupid hacker i want to read a lot much more than what the average oh i read sicp and a few chapters of taocp me so smart type of person. idk. i dont know how to put it, theres no way to prove it, im just very proud of my brain and i think its amazing and can do amazing things but this life sucks a lot and ill always come off as a retarded looney subhuman bad person useless stupid etc.
its really like ive never existed, it was a life of extreme suffering, always being told no and being beat up and nothing ever going right every day seems like torture dealing with sicknesses and poverty related problems, i cant afford duct tape to fix my computer case its falling apart this is ridiculous and there are pornstars that become millionaire overnight. if i were a millionaire id invest all my money and just keep making more and more money and id have a very diverse portfolio, theres very little in the way of material possessions i want, maybe 4 dakimakuras with my 4 favorite anime succubi and a brand new pair of shoes, everything else would go to projects i dont know. i think i have the right mindset but this life is torturous.
i dont know. if theres a god please please listen to my prayers and let me reincarnate in this era but with a slightly better life. i wanted to draw a lot and make a lot of music and program and read hundreds of math textbooks and post solutions tho thousands of exercises on github. i wanted to have friends and have a relatively normal life and experience normal things like everyone else like playing videogames or having confidence to speak up my mind on internet forums. i dont know.
i just wanted to say that in case i give up and right now i think i probably will, that im not like this and i dont want to be like this, i think im different but i didnt get to show that and lived like a useless turd subhuman. i think im very strong but reality is always a bit stronger than me and always crushes me. i dont know. i like to just imagine the sorts of things i want to draw and i like to imagine the songs id make and the sorts of programs id make, i have a lot of ideas for things like neural networks and i think i understand very deeply the mathematics of cryptography so that i can break it where it can be broken and i used to think linux will be annoying but its a joy.i dont know how to put it i think im a happy person born into a sad life. i dont know i think im something different and i dont want to be anything other than what i think i am or at least what i want to be. i dont know. the concept of creativity might be the most important to me, which can be used as a way to connect to other people or in case im alone it can be used to make myself feel happy and realized.
i dont know i have severe communication problems and its the first time im actually speaking up my mind and people always misunderstand me so it takes several paragraphs to say something very simple, that i like to draw and making music and programming and maths and that i think i coud be awesome at these things but my life is literal hell and i have absolutly no control over what happens in my life, its just being ragdolled and watching myself being humiliated and beat up and trying to navigate this world of sadists, i dont even understand language anymore its just the 50 same words and its very frustrating trying to understand toxic memers. so even though im very confident in myself and think i could make amazing things im giving up.
i dont know im very happy alone and dating sims are awesome but at the same time im screaming deep inside, im freezing and dying, this isnt what i wanted but i think i cant be what i want to be. too many books, too little time, im old and aging absurdly fast, im very sick mentally and physically, i dont have a cent of savings, every time i try to do something i am destroyed by people, my life just feels like a slapstick comedy show every time i try to do something. i think the problem isnt motivation or anything, god just set the bar too high for me. and i set it too high for myself too, i dont tolerate weakness or failure or really anything other than work and take everything to its logical conclusion.
i dont know im a retard, i think i could have been better, a very awesome person but i give up. im just going to play dating sims until i die.
i dont know im just a retarded loser freak bad bad bad

 No.240862

File: 1622271464746.png (382.15 KB, 509x679, 509:679, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

cringy loser mentally ill self-important subhuman ahhhh

im really the worst and deserved all of this, i dont know, i think i could have been better but everyday things happen and im always told im bad so it must be true, your call. its like i believe in myself but need other people to believe in me too, or that i need fertile soil to grow, i dont know. and in any case whatever i do from now on be it programming or 2d girlfriends ill just focus on that and never again think of anything in my life. im short-circuiting my brain on purpose, its really awesome. i dont know im just a crazy mentally ill third worlder failure that cant get anything across. "understand deeply" "dont want to be a stupid hacker" lol. i dont know. if someone asked me, id tell them ive always been a retarded loser and ive always been a worthless loser, but if i asked myself i would answer no im not a loser but my life was awful and X Y Z happened and even though i dont want to give up its unrealistic to go on, its impossible and i cant do it, i dont know. i think giving up is a crime and i should charge on like a mad bull and do what i think is right no matter the consequences, i dont care about rewards i dont know, so giving up feels like a crime i think its unacceptable but in my case theres nothing else i can do, i should be glad ill shamefully enjoy my hedonistic life with crap like music and that i dont have to worry about anything else but it still hurts a lot its not what i wanted and i hate this.

i think ive gotten enough off my chest. its just mentally ill third worlder gibberish i dont know. im a failure im the worst.

 No.240864

File: 1622272979164.png (395.32 KB, 900x640, 45:32, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i wish i had another life, i think id be happy if it werent so difficult. maybe my health will start improving and ill change my mind again or i could keep in mind its pointless. i think im horrible and a true loser and failed normalfag at least thats what everyone tells me which means i should give up. i dont know i hate myself, i hope i get to spend an eternity in hell its what i deserve.

cringy retarded subhuman faggot loser self importnat narcisitic self centered obnoxious annoying low iq boring lame simpleton mentally ill lunatic

i dont know, theres nothing else to say. i feel a bit lighter now.

 No.240893

File: 1622298819279.png (1.13 MB, 1280x1807, 1280:1807, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i really have "severe mood swings" i cant seem to decide, i think realistically i have what it takes to be awesome but also my health is crippled, i feel very tired and a lot of physical pain and i dont have the money for things like a very nutritious diet or medicine, im afraid if i went to an university i wouldnt take it, id have to take 3rd world public transport for about an hour everyday i dont know.
im a shitty person completely out of touch with reality cringy retard neet chud simp crab volcel based whatever words are used for insulting nowadays im probably all of them. all shitposting neets on wizchan are exemplary compared to me, everyone is nice and im garbage.
i think im done, sorry for making you read this if anyone actually did.

 No.240898

File: 1622301574310.png (748.2 KB, 850x1179, 850:1179, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

im just a shit person
excuses excuses
i want to give up, i think its the happy and rational course of action but my brain wont let me, i feel like wasting my time and that i can make great things and its only a matter of time
i dont know i dont know

 No.240905

File: 1622304056488.png (1.62 MB, 849x1200, 283:400, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

in any case, whichever one ill choose, i think ill be very happy but very lonely, and i feel all of those weird and nonsense and random crazy things ive talked about
i dont know i just wish very i could be with everyone else and tread on the same path as others
shit person. subhuman ugly retard low iq bad bad bad

 No.240909

File: 1622313693613.png (542.42 KB, 724x1023, 724:1023, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know every time i think about giving up i realize its retarded and i can just do whatever i want, im not sure how to put it
when im reading about programming or networking or maths i feel so much focus and completely forget about the rest of the world, i feel like flying in my own world
i dont know maybe programming is objectively better than dating sims which are almost linear and not interactive, but dating sims represent happiness to me, i dont know
im not sure what path ill take yet, i want a degree in maths but looking up jobs and government positions like in intelligence agencies they all require computer science degrees, computer science is just a subset of mathematics (theres a mathematical definition of a turing machine) and they study things like how to use linux instead of things like algebraic topology. i dont want a degree in cs, it feels like insulting myself but i might have to do it. i dont know yet.
in school teachers used to call me genius in front of other students and i had preferential treatment, i was very good at maths and sciences and had awesome grades and participated in a lot of olympiads and always came home with medals but i was partially raised by a very strict and conservative stepfather who was very violent and wanted me to grow up to be a civil servant or lawyer so i spent a lot of time studying or procrastinating the studies of third world history and geography, i believed very much in discipline and hierarchy and silently obeying your parents even if theyre not really your parents, i dont know, i tried to be a model child but i think i had the wrong guardians. and i was supposed to question and speak up instead of being passive and not doing what i wanted. now my life is ruined and i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter what i do. im just waiting to die and pondering the best way to spend my time until i die. i have never had a life, it was always just torture and repression and failure and things not going my way. ill die without drawing, without making a song, probably ill just program a lot because theres nothing more than i can do. and this is my only protest.

 No.240912

File: 1622315073440.png (1.54 MB, 1310x1817, 1310:1817, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know, i feel very weird, its probably wrong and a biased view but from my perspective im just too mentally broken and when i compare this to what seems to be normal in social media or imageboards or people of my age talking about their lives and the hints i have of normalcy from lurking imageboards and so on i dont know, it makes me think the only solution is dying and not leave a trace of existence behind because in my opinion this was very wrong and i wasnt supposed to exist, i dont know what im called or what i should call myself schizophrenic autistic retarded just a talkative loser boring lame chud crab virgin narcistic i dont know, in my opinion i would call myself broken, like a shattered glass pane or splattered eggs. this all sucks too much.
i dont know sorry for posting a lot, i think ill probably never again talk to anyone, i dont know what to say when people say good morning in an elevator i just keep quiet and lower my head because i dont want to bother. i dont know so i think i tried to speak up half honestly for once in my life instead of trying to fit in or telling myself i have to behave. i dont know. sorry for being like this. if i choose programming i think ill be a much better person and ill be very close to what i wanted to be i think. i dont know. sorry a lot.

 No.240913

File: 1622316428920.png (437.6 KB, 1024x1024, 1:1, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know im just a retard and everything i do is wrong. normalfag attention whore manchild self-centered bad bad
i dont know, im very scared, i think i can turn off the part of my brain that cares about the rest of the world. i dont want to be a monster.
im sorry for being so annoying and retarded.

 No.240915

File: 1622318114227.png (679.82 KB, 1280x720, 16:9, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

ill go with programming i think
its partially escapism, i want to think only of computers, i cant bear looking at reality and feeling so out of place and out of every loop, everyone has sex and does drugs and they play videogames and everyone naturally interacts with each other, everyone is either very nice or very rude to each other and i dont get it, i cant be a part of it.
it sucks, i wish i had started earlier. ill still be much better than the average "coder", i think i can make many amazing things im really proud of my brain and not just that ill live for programming and maths from now on and not care about anything else but if i had started earlier i could be one of the best in the world.
i dont know, its all that matters to me now. ill read a lot of books and program a lot of things, theres no room for anything else in my mind, its all i think of even in my dreams, when i wake up my first thought is i want to get to my computer and its awesome that i can spend the entire day every day reading and learning.
i dont know im just very stupid and arrogant and a bad person but im very happy alone and im glad i found programming and my mind feels super. i dont know. sorry for blogposting so much. idk i wish i knew something nice i could say but theres nothing else to say, im just procrastinating.
im very afraid of being able to do anything i want to and afraid of happiness and accepting loneliness.
normalfag subhuman retarded loser awful bad faggot narcissist failure mentally ill lunatic third worlder die kill yourself.

 No.240917

File: 1622319464353.png (83.26 KB, 300x168, 25:14, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

ahhh retard retard retard

i want to forget that all of this happened and i want to focus like crazy, i want to feel very lonely, like im everything in this world

i think im really done this time, i hope after saying the same thing 100 different ways ive gotten some message across.

sorry a lot and farewell.

 No.240941

>>238837
I know how you feel. Just get some fresh air clear your mind.
I know this overwhelming feeling of sudden overmotivation and wanting to do everything at once. Most of the time I end up doing nothing. The mood swings are real

 No.240942

See you next week

 No.240955

File: 1622391481638.png (755.1 KB, 693x914, 693:914, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>240942
im gonna do it.
i dont know, im just very scared.
it feels like cheating at life

i dont know, in short i think i cant be a normal person or the kind of person that i would like to be, im just tall and ugly and poor, im very unlucky and had very bad cards dealt at the beginning, so im short circuiting my brain on purpose to be as good as possible at computers and related things, i wont ever think of anything else. its accepting ill always be a freak and always be lonely and paving my own path one step after the other instead of trying to walk on the same paved path as everyone else. i think of a harley cutting through the desert and blasting loud dad rock while everyone else is in porsches on the congested desert road listening to low bpm house music. or picking up the remote control and changing channels even though everyone else is watching the same channel. im doing something awesome but very lonely that i think will lead to nowhere and ill just die like i didnt exist which is why i wanted to shitpost a lot about it.

i dont know i just feel very scared and lonely but awesome and happy, i hope the apocalypse wont happen because i want to make a lot of very cool things, please please dont blow up the earth. i dont know, im so scared i feel like im freezing its very lonely but so good, i feel very happy and free, so focused on whatever im doing that there practically isnt an illusion of self anymore, its the scariest and most awesome feeling there is and my brain just feels like accelerating indefinitely. im very very excited about programming just give me time.

thank you for putting up with my insufferable autism/schizophrenia/attention whoring/retardation/whatever. sorry.

 No.240957

File: 1622394366026.png (550.14 KB, 850x638, 425:319, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i dont know
the die is cast
im very scared but i feel so great
i think everything is just a matter of time now
stupid stupid stupid, sorry about everything

 No.240967

File: 1622413529231.png (178.28 KB, 353x335, 353:335, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

god im so scared holy shit
i dont want to do this i think its a mistake, straying from the path, im afraid im afraid im afraid afraid its scary freezing im dying.
please some day remember i just wanted to be normal i wanted to show nice things to other people and be accepted somewhere, i wish i had a normal life i think i wouldnt have done this then
i dont want freedom i dont want happiness but i cant do anything else i think.
im sorry im sorry sorry sorry

 No.241003

How/why did this thread make its way up the catalog again?
>>240955
Nothing wrong with house music but I see your point

 No.241025

File: 1622520691222.png (661.9 KB, 1400x1008, 25:18, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i have to say goodbye to this world but i dont want to
i have to accept im helpless and sometimes things go wrong
if theres a god, please please listen to my prayers, i wish to experience a normal life, i want to know what its like, i want to do things like drawing and making music
i dont know, this is is hell. i have nightmares every night, i feel a lot of physical pain, i can barely do anything each day, i feel extreme tiredness.
ill focus everything on computers and maths but i dont think ill ever be a cool useful hacker, i dont have friends or connections so i think ill spend many years of my life completely lost and reading the most useless books, i really like mathematics and its such an extensive field, i dont know, its a very sad and solitary lifestyle but i dont see the alternative. everything requires being normal to some degree like looks or money or skills for dealing with people, people make friends over videogames and i dont play them etc.
im a retard a subhuman i dont deserve to live im the worst, i repeat myself all the time im no better than an ai.
i dont know, im as good as dead from now on. my life is over. ive never had a life but im giving up on struggling. today i listened to my dear music one last time, i want extreme focus.
i dont know. i dont want to accept im lonely, i dont want to be a monster but i think i have no choice. im very afraid. i want to be together with someone but im an animal a freak that belongs in a solitary prison cell at best.
im very sorry. im very afraid but i think ill do it.

 No.241026

File: 1622521391078.png (380.95 KB, 704x1000, 88:125, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know. its like theres something corrupting my soul or trying to rot it and until now ive managed to hold it but being this alone is unbearable and makes it much more difficult. ive always thought its over when you let the evil in this world get inside you and in my case i think it really is over. i have been getting very wicked thoughts that i couldnt think possible before now.
reading and learning is just escapism i think, a hobby or a way to spend time on my own and forget. with programming i can live completely in my own world and even make money without interacting much with people and not poison myself with any of this.
i dont know im the cringiest most retarded lowest iq poster to ever grace this site.

 No.241027

File: 1622522312716.png (1.38 MB, 1000x1333, 1000:1333, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i tried to believe in something different despite everything, i regret it because im giving up on my beliefs and should have just taken the easy obvious path from the start. i dont want to and i feel like im losing something important that very few people have.
in practical terms i think im just a looney freak and im rewiring my brain to be as focused and as good as neuroanatomically possible at some things.
cringy retarded loser freak.

 No.241036

File: 1622556240224.png (515.08 KB, 948x1084, 237:271, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i think im really done this time
i dont know im just very afraid but it feels incredible, i dont want to do this i think its a mistake. i just wish i were normal and could experience things like a normal person. i wanted to show how i see things too, through art etc. i dont know. im very afraid of loneliness but i think im gonna do it. sorry sorry a lot for everything, loser retarded awful mentally ill the worst.

 No.241046

File: 1622569830645.png (1.17 MB, 1001x793, 77:61, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

please god take me out of here, someone wake me up from this nightmare
i wish i had decent genes, i wish i could have spent my childhood drawing, making music. i love programming and mathematics so much. i could spend my whole life doing nothing but those 4 things.
i think i might give up after all.
i dont know, its really like ive never existed. i think im not meant to be. i cant bear looking at myself in a mirror, im 2 meters tall. i cant do anything, every time i eat something i feel extreme belly aches, i sleep 12+ hours a day and still feel tired, i feel dizzy when i go outside. im very dedicated and think you need to read many many books and take everything very seriously but im old and dont have time anymore, it would be much better if i self taught myself but then id have an intolerable neet period in my cv, i dont know, i think i cant do it no matter what. this life is torture, i just want to program and draw and make music and study mathematics. i dont know im the worst and i think im probably just making excuses, i dont know my life is a mess and try as i might ive never been able to do anything. i think im not like this i think im different but this world doesnt need me or it doesnt want me. i dont want to give up but theres nothing i can do. i think ill just play eroge as a hikikomori until i die, ill die without a cent or without leaving a mark of my existence on earth except for these cringeblogposts. theres no point in making myself go through more physical and mental pain, i know that given my circumstances i can be above average at best and even then there are no jobs in this shit country, ill always be alone so i might as well make 2d friends. i dont know, im just very upset at this shit life. i want to stop suffering and feeling so much pain i think the only way to do that is to stop being myself altogehter and become a monster that doesnt feel anything. i dont know i think im just insane and broken psychologically i dont know im just a huge faggot mentally ill subhuman whatever insult a turd like me can be called im all of it i dont know. im very afraid, i feel freezing. this feels much scarier than just dying physically, you have no idea. i dont know im just a very bad person and i deserve all of this. sorry next week poster, everything comes to an end eventually.

 No.241047

File: 1622571427268.png (501.68 KB, 800x800, 1:1, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know im insane
my health is crippled, ill always be treated like a subhuman no matter what i do, the rational course of action is to just enjoy 2d gfs while i still can, i dont think ill ever be sufficiently good for some things but maybe ill still do it, that would be amazing i think
i dont know im just a faggot that cries a lot
i want to forget that this happened

 No.241049

File: 1622585163443.png (107.21 KB, 472x472, 1:1, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

fing st a*s i cant decide
i dont know i love programming a lot it feels like a videogame to me so even though i might not ever have enough physical and mental health to work ill still get lost in computers instead of playing eroge, i dont know i think im doing something very different.
i want to forget that my life until now happened, i want to live the lonely peaceful childhood i didnt get to live, i want to focus a lot and do nothing but program until i die, or maybe ill give up again, i want to decide on one course and never look back. i dont know this was an awful life and the only way to stop hurting myself is to become a monster. im very afraid and i dont want to do this but i think i will.
sorry and goodbye.

 No.241050

File: 1622591732054.png (1.15 MB, 1000x1500, 2:3, trude.png) ImgOps iqdb

i think i have decided
every time i want to give up its just temporary psychosis
i dont know this was the one time i allowed myself to scream my lungs out at this world and i still messed it up and still feel immensely bottled up
i dont know i hate this life, i wish i had a normal life, i wish i could have had a decent childhood and spent some years drawing and making music, i really dont care that much about consuming media, i wsih i could have gotten into these things as early in life as possible
to me all that matters is numbers and computers now, im still not sure exactly but i think ill get a bs in maths and a bs in cs then move on to cryptology and infosec after graduation. ill always have a shit life, ill always be poor and ugly, always alone and ill never move out of this hellhole country. and im scared because i think im giving up on something very important and beautiful but i think im helpless and am just going to embrace computers as a hobby and never think of anything else until i die. im very happy but very lonely and deep inside this isnt what i wanted. i dont know im very scared, i think im making a mistake and i dont want to do this but i think i will.
i wish god would listen to my prayers and give me a second chance.
i dont know, im diving inside myself, its very scary, i just want to be as good as possible at computers because this is all theres left for me now. ive put away my eroge drives ill keep them as momenta ive said these things a hundred times already but i really like the idea of peaceful worlds where people are just nice to each other without pretense and make love and solve each others problems or just crack jokes or tell each other how much they love each other forever.
im a mentally ill nutcase subhuman third worlder ugly the worst faggot freak all the insults on the dictionary im all of these things.
im going to do it, im very afraid but very happy and excited about programming, someone please pull me out of this lonely wonderland someday. i dont know it feels like ive never existed even though im right here.
im sorry a lot for spamming and everything i have ever done, i think from now on ill be different i think or maybe just stop tryig to be normal and accept im an abomination.

 No.241057

File: 1622598020389.png (836.01 KB, 1280x1024, 5:4, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i feel very good but im very lonely now
i just spend all time in front of a computer and trying to master it and learn several programming languages and a lot of maths
im completely unused to this feeling, that i can just be happy and not care about the world, ive never felt free like this before.
it feels like im dying inside myself, im very scared, and i think this will lead to nowhere, ill just be a very boring ivory tower type that knows a lot about many things but will never bring himself to do something useful, at least for the next several years i think.
i dont know i wish my life were different.
im afraid im afraid im afraid. im freezing. i want to be with everyone else. im very sorry for everything.
goodbye.

 No.241062

File: 1622601225407.gif (297.37 KB, 220x220, 1:1, 1592100104490.gif) ImgOps iqdb

Guess who's back, back again

 No.241063

File: 1622601694698.png (1.76 MB, 900x1529, 900:1529, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know everyone should hate me and im the worst person on this globe, i should always be humiliated and called things like subhuman and i should always be excluded and chased away and i should always be reminded im a horrible person but i dont know im happy, i think im happiest when im alone with computers, i think i should be very unhappy and should detest my life but i feel great. im living in my own mental world and im free to make anything i can imagine, its so scary. i wanted to be normal but this life sucks too much. so im sorry for being a horrible person, i think im not so i should just do my own thing far away from everyone else. ill die like this never happened, like ive never existed. im very scared. im sorry. im sorry im sorry im sorry, sorry sorry sorry sorry. i think im not like this, i think im very different from this but this life sucked way too much.

 No.241067

File: 1622602831522.png (647.69 KB, 800x600, 4:3, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

> im living in my own mental world and im free to make anything i can imagine,
i mean, and it just happens my brain is very, very good at imagining things, you have no idea how awesome i feel and how scared i am, of leaving this world behind and living completely in my own mind, i think that would be a mistake but i dont think anything else is realistic, i cant be a normal person, ive never enjoyed things like videogames and just tried them before because everyone else did. i dont know i feel like i could fly above everyone else and live in the clouds, its very frightening. theres no answer when i scream so im going to a nice place of my own. im sorry for coming off as a shit person, i think deep inside im not or at least i dont want to be but no one believes me and ill always be rightfully treated as utter garbage so i should just stay in my own world. its a very vast and awesome world, like an eden, where i can make anything i can imagine and i can imagine anything i want.

 No.241068

File: 1622603533011.png (161.68 KB, 250x369, 250:369, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know sorry for being a retard and ruining the thread
yes subhuman faggot attention whore freak low IQ retard asshole etc im all of it
i dont know i think im going through something amazing and i think ill just die like it didnt happen so i wanted to document it somehow, that im feeling afraid but i feel great and that im leaving this world behind and moving to a world of my own, that i love drawing and music even though ive never gotten to do any of these things and never will. and all of the other things i talked about. i dont know i really cant say it enough times, im scared to my soul but i feel so great. i dont want to do this but i will, regardless of how exactly. and it feels like dying and giving up on or leaving behind something very precious. and it feels like complete freedom.
i dont know, sorry a lot, sorry sorry sorry, im worse than garbage, im the lowest being on this planet. sorry.

 No.241083

File: 1622650196344.jpg (108.18 KB, 384x278, 192:139, puffy(1).jpg) ImgOps iqdb

s-s-sorry im just very excited about programming.
i promise ill stop now, ban me if i make another post

 No.241131

File: 1622739181970.png (954.9 KB, 1000x1300, 10:13, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

yes brainlet zoomer annoying mockery everything bad im all of it
nothing is going to be alright nothing has ever been alright its just telling myself that with extreme hardwork and discipline i can turn the game around.
i dont know i think im giving up for good, im just going to read one eroge after the other until i die. im very happy despite being very lonely
i dont know this isnt what i wanted, i wanted to program and draw, i dont care about my own happiness i just wish i could program and maybe draw a little. i think my life was terrible, by the time i found these things i had already mutated into something terrible. i dont know i have hundreds of problems i dont think i can just ignore them ive tried to like everyone else does but i cant run away from many matters, i dont know i think im just making excuses but what if im forcing myself and trying to do something impossible and telling myself it will just work out in the end somehow
i cant get anything across and everytime i say things they should be mocked, i dont know, im trying to say something but i dont know how to put it, im just a cringy retard loser that talked about potential potential his whole life and never put out anything, absolutely nothing. im very happy i think its true because i feel immense happiness even though i should hate my life and my mind really goes wild with eroge and i can fantasize many things and its all in my mind, if happiness is subjective then i might be one of the happiest people on earth
i dont know i wish i could have another life, id do nothing but draw, make music and program a lot of things with heavy logic and mathematics, like ai and cryptography. id do nothing but that. i wanted to be useful and helpful i love other people very much. i think i cant do that the way i want to in this life, i dont want to be a python coder or draw average things, i think its better to just be happy on your own and live like youve never existed instead of wasting time being average or being something you think you arent i dont know. i think i have what it takes to be exceptional at many things but this life is f***ed and i dont want to live it, why learn so many things if im going to just keep them to myself and never get to make anything
i dont know im just a joke and nothing i say matters i should just be made fun of always and i should always get screwed, if im doomed to be lonely then why not make something useful for myself, it doesnt make sense dedicating my life to studies if i wont make something useful for others. i dont know even though in the end ive never gotten to prove it even a little im still very happy i think its true that my brain is awesome, i really fly with textbooks and i feel so great when reading code, i dont know i have the right mindset i think and can imagine myself with 9 monitors and coding a lot in each one of them and switching between them i think id be that kind of person i can get lost in something and never again think of anything else, i have studied music theory only a little and at first i thought i cant be good at music but i think i have an ear for it, i dont know i feel very privileged despite everything. im just going to die one day so i should live in a way that makes my life seem satisfactory when i die, i think eroge is the way to go in that regard, its really meaningless to just read a lot of very thick textbooks and become awesome at drawing and never share it. i can experience things like love and friendship and peacefulness with eroge. im a retard low iq cringy zoomer brainlet erogebro mockery joke cant think thats all. im pathetic useless garbage. i dont know i hate this life and i hate what i am and i can imagine beign differnt and i think i could have been different if i werent so unlucky. i dont know everything i say is wrong and i should always be made fun of, i should always be ostracized im bad im always in the wrong im a manchild mentally retarded bad bad bad. thats all theres to it. im sorry i think ill just live in complete loneliness until i die, occasionally posting in this thread every few months used to be my only source of interaction but i think im done with it. sorry for being a retard, sorry a lot. embarrassing shit. i dont know it really is like ive never existed. sorry. shit life shit "person" i get everything i deserve. i still think im different and im very proud of it so im just going to be the happiest person on earth in a corner because no one else believes me, i dont know im very glad to be alive, it probably sounds like im joking or being ironic or its a cope, i dont know im happiest when im alone even though what i want the most is to connect with other people and make things for others its very contradictory. sorry you can permaban me ill keep my word. embarrassing retard thats all i am.

 No.241154

File: 1622770988596.gif (1.97 MB, 500x281, 500:281, 1621722128073.gif) ImgOps iqdb

>>241131
Don't listen to the haters erogebro!!! You can do it I believe in you!!!

 No.241197

File: 1622846888914.png (1.63 MB, 1067x1398, 1067:1398, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

eroge is actually very boring and makes me feel like i should be doing something else
ill go with computers
i will spend the next decade or so focused exclusively on learning, if im still alive ill move on to cool projects.
ill spend the rest of my life reading and writing code, reading pdfs, maybe listening to music, always on my own.
i dont care about anything else and im very happy. living solely in your own mental world is the best feeling there is. it feels like flying above the clouds. its very scary but it feels free.
im very confident that i can make amazing things, my brain is really insane, i hope i get to live the whole of my expected biological lifespan.
sorry again

 No.241199

File: 1622847512574.png (982.18 KB, 534x1000, 267:500, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know
i can only feel all of those things ive talked about with computers. and maybe music.
eroge or anything else really is death.
i dont know, i think ill just die a painful death in the end, and ill be completely alone from now on, but i feel all of that crazy stuff.

 No.241204

File: 1622850524182.png (1.1 MB, 700x939, 700:939, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know sorry for being a retard im just very excited, im very happy i found programming and am diving into computers and i think i could be awesome after some years, i really feel awesome. sorry a lot.
shit person shit shit shit subhuman everything bad sorry, sorry a lot

 No.241247

File: 1622927151044.png (113.74 KB, 640x364, 160:91, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

im scared scared scared, scared
i feel so free and happy.
sorry im a very bad "person". retard subhuman awful all the bad things. sorry.

 No.241248

>>241247
i love you

 No.241250

File: 1622930059075.jpg (807.87 KB, 1600x1080, 40:27, bed mood.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

I wish that I can stop thinking about what people think of me , I know that people are envious of me and try to their best to push me down , I dont know how to clear my mind , i just want to be alive and forgotten for once ,I just wanna feel free

 No.241257

File: 1622937327543.jpg (124.12 KB, 663x900, 221:300, yeshua.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>240195
Fuck you

 No.241270

File: 1622951704535.png (968.5 KB, 1200x1388, 300:347, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know
im very happy
i think something better could have been but im very happy
im moving to a world of my own, free and alone, and leaving this world behind
i wish i could be with everyone else
sorry im the worst sorry

 No.241272

File: 1622955967185.png (5.93 MB, 2508x3541, 2508:3541, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know
ill spend the rest of my life just staring at computer screens, writing and reading code, always alone, im afraid, i dont want to do that but i think i will, theres nothing left for me.
i wish a lot reincarnation could be possible
i wish i could experience normal things like having friends or talking to people or playing videogames, that sort of thing
i dont know, im very scared, im very scared, im very afraid, but im going to do it.
its all for naught but im going to do it anyways.
im scared im scared i dont want to do this
i just wish i were normal
i wish i had a normal life
i wanted to draw and make music
im afraid
im afraid im afraid im afraid.
im sorry, im a shit thats all.

 No.241274

File: 1622958993314.png (1.6 MB, 1024x1280, 4:5, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i hate this shit life i wish i had a normal life
i dont know im very scared but i think i will do it
i dont want to. it feels like ive carried something inside me my whole life and im breaking it or leaving it behind. i think i wouldnt have done so, i wouldnt have to, if i were born in better circumstances but this sucks a lot its beyond hell you have no idea. i dont know. im doing something obviously better for myself but i think its a mistake, i really dont care about myself, i just want to be with everyone else, walk more or less on the same path as others.
fucking shit piece of trash subhuman rubbish garbage narcisistic attention whore everything bad

 No.241275

>>241274
>i wish i had a normal life
Whoa lad

 No.241276

File: 1622959782239.png (739.19 KB, 1024x576, 16:9, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know, im otherworldy afraid but im going to do it
sorry im horrible sorry for everything ive ever done
i wish i were normal, i wish i had friends
im very alone but very happy and i feel pure, im very scared but i feel awesome

 No.241334

File: 1623077917277.png (276.49 KB, 600x600, 1:1, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i definitely give up, it feels like losing my soul after hanging to it so well for so long, it feels like having it taken by the wind
i dont know. i wish i had another life. if i could, id have spent all of my childhood and teenage years learning programming, linux and mathematics, then go on to a nice university. i think id also waste time with drawing and music because i think i could be good at them too.
this life was hell, torture. ive never lived. i dont know. i wish i could put across everything that upsets me about this life and why i didnt get to live the way i think i should have but its way too much to be fit in anywhere. its hell and torture. i dont know. i think i had very awful parents and family and was born in awful circumstances and it ruined me. everyday was struggle and losing something and twisting my brain more and more. there are a lot of things and ultimately the most i can say is that it sucked a lot, its impossible to talk about the sort of things that happened even in a place like this, i dont know i think i have a lot to complain about. i dont know im not like this, i didnt do any of this, i wish i had a life, i just want to program and read and learn a lot, i want to tread on the same path as others, i wish i were better looking im an ogre and cant bear looking at myself in the mirror, i want to stop suffering, god please listen to my prayers, i wish i had another life, i dont know, i cant put anythign across and everytime i try its misunderstood, i hate this i hate this i hate this. i dont know. i hate this i wish i were born into a different life. i think its not my fault, ive always been told by third parties irl that im very bright and have a bright future and that im like a soldier for enduring all of this. i dont know but i couldnt endure it and i dont have a future. i dont know its too much to be discussed here but i just wanted to say i hate this life and i wanted to say i love programming, mathematics, drawing and music, thats all. im not going to do it, i think its pointless, i wanted to do this when i was a child, now im tired and i dont want to shoot below my own goals, i dont want to do this alone, i think i could have gotten to belong in a community or have at least one online friend if i had started earlier, now i can only live for myself, i dont know, its very meaningless and pointless and i set the bar too high for myself, i dont want to be mediocre but then if i want to be exceptional by the time im everything i want to be i will have cancer. i dont know im sure this is all gibberish and nonsense and boring to read im just talking to myself and youre a retard if youre reading this. i dont know i cant do it. im tired ugly poor unhealthy unlucky im surrounded by people who do everything in their power to screw with me and very stupid people. ill just play one galge after the other until i cant anymore. this could be the very worst life on earth. shit subhuman third worlder narcisitic self important crybaby baaa baaa kill yourself retard mentally ill looney faggot manbaby everything bad all the insults on the dictionary bad.

 No.241356

File: 1623102498961.png (1.13 MB, 900x1177, 900:1177, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know
everytime i quit after some time it comes to me i might be very good at programming and maths and im wasting my potential, at least its very enjoyable to me, i dont know what ill do but its either of the two.
im sorry ill stop posting now and embrace loneliness.
shit person subhuman freak self important self loving everything bad, im sorry, sorry, sorry a lot, im the worst

 No.241360

File: 1623104771767.png (1.72 MB, 850x1105, 10:13, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

all of this shitposting for nothing
i thought i was going to do it but its too scary, i have too many fears
im just a loser then.
horrible awful shit subhuman, im the worst, there isnt anyone on earth with less character than me. i think im different and much better but i cant bring it out in these circumstances, even if i could id be alone so no one would see it. i want to die, i want this to have never happened, i want to have never existed, i want this mistake to undo itself. i hope reincarnation is real, i really love programming and drawing, there are so many things i wanted to make and experience. this was hell.
sorry im horrible. ill spend the rest of my life alone, with galge i think, i still get thoughts of changing and learning because i think i have awesome potential though it is pointless and would be very lonely.
i dont know im just a sore loser. looney freak. im horrible, im the worst, i deserve all of this. im very sorry.

 No.241370

File: 1623108000288.jpg (2.19 MB, 2150x3035, 430:607, f2215273618ae4038cd44b9f4a….jpg) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know
maybe ill do it anyways, i love programming and maths and i think i could be good at them
but also its completely pointless in my circumstances, theres no point in reading hundreds of textbooks and mastering so many things if by the time youre done learning youre in your mid 30s and still poor and alone as always, in that case shouldnt i just play galge now?
ill stop posting every time i change my mind
im a horrible turd im awful im the worst
sorry for everything sorry sorry a lot

 No.241371

>>241370

Finish what you've begun. You'll have plenty of time to decide if you wish to be programmer or janitor after that.

 No.241383

File: 1623116138256.jpg (150.6 KB, 1098x1024, 549:512, satorin.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

>>241371
i dot know im very afraid
i dont want to do this
i wish i had spent all my childhood and teenage years learning programming, linux and maths. nothing else, not even drawing. ive screwed my own life. i think its not my fault but ill say it is because explaining why i think it isnt would be such a hassle. so its my fault, ill say that even though i think it isnt. ive screwed my own life. i dont know, i wish i had another chance, i wish i had another life, im not like this, i think im much better, i wish i had a normal start.
when programming and reading textbooks i feel like i could move to my own world and become sort of a computer myself, and in my mind there would only be numbers, formulae, commands, and id do nothing but think of new ideas or review old concepts, i feel extraordinary and i think i could be very good, i love designing algorithms and reading about computability etc, i love memorizing and practicing functions, libraries etc. i could do nothing but that and never care again about people or entertainment or even myself, its very scary to lose the illusion of self and become completely focused on what youre doing, its like dying inside yourself and becoming a carcass, i dont know. and I think I could do that for all of my life, i think deep inside i don't need people or friends and i force myself to be like this even though its just a looney creep because im very afraid of myseld and doing what i think is purely rational and that benefits myself. i don't know.
im having a lot of trouble deciding, should i focus on computers and forget about everything else and try to grow and live for myself and make a lot of money and work on a lot of projects and realize my potential, or just forget about it and accept its too late and realize ill always have it much tougher than everyone else and accept i should have done this as a child and just play one eroge after the other as a hikki neet and then die, i dont know, both options are shit i think. i dont know how to balance, i dont know how to take breaks, i want to get lost in only one thing and never look back. i don't know im very scared, scared of myself scared of failure scared of making the wrong choice scared of dying inside myself. i want my childhood back, i didn't live my life the way i wanted to, i just got ordered and pushed around and terrorized a lot, ive never even played videogames or partaken in much hedonism its just anxiety and pressure and fear until now. im on the verge of jumping into an abyss and becoming one of the subjectively happiest people on earth but im afraid of many things. i don't know sorry sorry a lot im a subhuman im the worst the lowest im all the bad things, i shouldn't have been born in a mistake im awful. sorry.

 No.241387

File: 1623116967583.jpg (500.71 KB, 845x1470, 169:294, alice.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

i don't know sorry for talking back im an abomination and shouldn't speak to real people. im a turd. sorry. im horrible. im very afraid. i hate myself a lot. im a freak. im all the bad things, all the cool insults. ince.l volcel simp pimp bimbo loser chud crab im all of it. pathetic retarded loser. sorry i should just kill myself, i actively make the earth a worse place my refusing to kill myself, im the worst. sorry, sorry a lot. im very afraid, i feel so free and happy, its amazing that i can feel like this, like leaving this world behind but im terrified. maybe i cant do it and will always live like this. im very afraid. sorry.

 No.241390

File: 1623117510671.png (168.54 KB, 500x776, 125:194, aaf674234db96b8d0c7dd07a84….png) ImgOps iqdb

i don't know im embarrassed of everything ive said im awful ill stop posting in this thread im too embarrassing i wont come back. im sorry for being such a bother, i just wanted to speak half sincerely for once in my life. im feeling really incredible and scared at the same time and wanted to talk about it but ive crossed the line i think. im sorry im the worst im sorry. ill stop now. ill never again talk to anyone, ill live the rest of my life in pure loneliness, im very scared but i feel extraordinary. sorry im the worst. crazy looney freak creep. im sorry.

 No.241394

>>241390
You don't seem like a "crazy looney freak creep", for what it's worth.

 No.241395

File: 1623120744428.png (734.43 KB, 600x706, 300:353, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>241394
sorry for talking to you and wasting your time i keep saying ill be gone forever and always come back

everything i say is vomit. im embarrassing.

everyone else, even people half of my age, make amazing things, they draw and program well, im already an old ojiisan and havent even really started with anything. ive never lived, its like ive never existed, and was born just to experience pain and feeling in a cage. i dont have a life, ive never had one, i dont know, i wish a lot i had a relatively normal childhood so i could choose what i do with my life. im free for the first time in my life and im crazy about programming, i think i would also be crazy about drawing and making music if i felt like i still have time, i loved scribbling and drawing on my notebook as a child and loved maths, i was often called the best student in school, it was usually me who was sent to represent the school in events like olympiads or inter school forums, i dont know, i think my life could have been realistically much different if it werent so awful. i think im just a retard. my own judgement is that its from 33 to 51 per cent my fault that things turned out like this. i dont know. i wish god could give me a second chance. i think im not like this. i dont want to be like this at least.
im very afraid of living for myself, im very afraid of giving up on being like other people and not caring about the rest of the world and being very rational and self-centered, i dont know if thats just what everyone else does but if i did it myself i think it would be wrong and i could grow to be a monster. i dont want that.
im definitely a looney because i feel all those things ive talked about like accelerating in a tunnel and so forth, its very scary too.
im sorry im very afraid im awful im a retard, embarrassing cringy retard. sorry.

 No.241403

File: 1623128061920.png (1.6 MB, 1600x900, 16:9, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

retard retard retard
i dont know i wish i could live in the same world as everyone else
im living in my own world now, im very unfortunate i think but very very happy, i feel free, im very lonely.
embarassing vomit cringy loser awful lowest worst

 No.241405

File: 1623129365124.png (1.2 MB, 700x1162, 50:83, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

sorry im a sh*t thats all
i dont know i feel very happy and free but far from where i wanted to be, ill always be alone, and now im accepting it. im very afraid. scared scared scared. and i feel so great.
cringy retarded loser mentally ill subhuman embarrassing puke failure freak abomination
sorry, sorry a lot, im very sorry

 No.241414

File: 1623135007089.png (713.41 KB, 1163x905, 1163:905, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

im going to a very nice place where theres only me
im scared to death, im saying goodbye to this world
im definitely going to do it, i feel pulled to that world, i cant stay here, it seems like a waste too. here, the days dont matter and they just pass, but there every moment feels like a long time. its great.
its very lonely and cold, but free, happy and serene
i wanted to stay here and do things for others, i wanted to belong with others, idk how to put it, i know im different but i wanted to play along with everyone else, i dont get it much, why do people do the things they do, but i love others very much, so much i sacrificed my freedom and now my brain is unused to it and scared of it
i dont know it feels like ive been inside a puppet my whole life, pretending to be people im not just to maximize the time i spend with other people, it felt like being inside a doll and seeing the world through these two holes on the face, wearing a costume, speaking scripted lines, i dont know how to put it. im very afraid of showing myself so i want to be alone when i take off these clothes and this mask. and i want to be alone for the rest of my life.
i dont know im very scared and i think im making a mistake but i cant stay here with everyone else, its over and i cant delay this anymore
in practical terms, im graduating humanity and now all that matters to me is computers. ill never again talk to anyone like i used to, maybe ill interact with university staff, ill just spend the rest of my life with pdfs and emacs.
i wish i could start my life over. ive wasted my life doing things i didnt want to and feeling and experiencing horrible feelings.
i dont know im just a cringy retarded loser self-important faggot mentally ill subhuman. sorry, sorry a lot, sorry for everything, sorry.
i dont know im very scared. sorry.

 No.241427

File: 1623155050498.png (1.03 MB, 700x1015, 20:29, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i want my life back, i want to have spent my childhood and teenage years learning how to computer, id do nothing but that every day, i dont care about anything else

my family destroyed my life before it even began

im still going to pursue computing even though by now i cant be anything i could have been, i love computers and maths too much and everything else is boring in comparison

it will be complete solitude. ill never again waste time with anything else, maybe ill listen to music once in a while, thats about it.

im still very glad. im experiencing freedom for the first time in my life. its scary. ive never before felt like i had any control over my own life, like i can do anything i want to.

shit life shit subhuman.

im sorry.

 No.241432

>>241427
Don't believe in shitty anime. Most people don't come to their senses until they're real adults. It's unrealistic to think that you're doomed because you didn't know better in highschool.
I'm in electrical engineering school right now at 29 and hopefully going to graduate at 30. Then I want to learn chemistry. I wish too I did these things sooner (in my early 20s) but I also realized I'm too hard on myself. After the decade of bullying my head wasn't in the right place that time and I needed to take time off to be able to heal.
Good luck wiz and don't give up on your dream

 No.241558

>>238803
The problem with your definition is that it describes what not to do, but not what you should do. Also, immoral is extremely subjective from one culture to another, to one person to another.

 No.241581

File: 1623315112881.png (1.21 MB, 800x600, 4:3, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>241432
> Most people don't come to their senses until they're real adults.
>It's unrealistic to think that you're doomed because you didn't know better in highschool
in school i was extremely dedicated and teachers seemed to like me a lot, im very proud of my achievements in school (olympiads, student forums, grades, projects etc.)

if i had started when i was 8 i could have spent one entire decade studying my own way. by the time i was 18 i could have had a nice enough portfolio that i could go to a nice uni and find other people like me who are crazy about computers. if my guardians had ever given me any money i could have bought bitcoins when i found them ($100-$300) and desperately wanted to buy them.

i think i have the right mindset, i think i have the determination and the brains for programming but this sucked, i think its too late for me, its meaningless and pointless now, i wish i had started when i was 11 at most, id do nothing but study every day, id never waste time with anime or videogames off my own accord.

i didnt even have a computer until i was about 15. my guardians decided my whole life for me until i was about 40, they pressured me since i was ~8 to become a civil servant, they controlled every aspect of my daily life down to the socks i wore, i got very used to every day being lame and boring and taking orders, ive had suicidal depression since i was about 12. by the time i was 15 i had given up on living up to their expectations and was just waiting to complete school to be kicked out and kill myself.

ive never had the privilege of thinking about what i do with my own life until very recently, i think ive listened to more music in this year than all the previous years of my life combined.

all i wish is that i could start over and somehow get into programming earlier. i think its too late now and my life is too screwed, all i can do is move to 2d land and never again think about what happened or what could have been and forget about this shit world and die.

sorry i just wanted to say i hate this a lot. i think im not like this, i think im very different but this life is hell, its torture.

retarded cringy awful subhuman mentally ill freak everything bad

 No.241585

>>241581
chill the fuck out nigger. all programmers are trannies so i am automatically thinking you aren't even a wizard. who even gives that much of a fuck lmao

 No.241591

i have been told i have very feminine facial features and when i was shorter i have been mistaken for the opposite sex in more than one occasion but im not a tranny. to begin with im 6'8 now.

i wish very much i looked different. i think my whole life would have been very different if i were smol. i cant bear looking at myself in a mirror, people shouldnt have to look at me when i go outside. i dont know confidence, when people ask me about my self esteem i lower my head and giggle. i hate myself a lot, im everything wrong with this world.

i dont know im an embarrassing shit. everything i say is puke. self important self loving narcissistic piece of trash. unimportant subhuman retarded stupid mentally ill manchild manbaby pathetic loser retard.

sorry. i dont know yet if ill enjoy whatevers left of my hikki life with galge or if ill go with computers despite everything.

if i choose computers i dont know yet if ill take bioinformatics or cryptography and infosec. im interested in both. i want to program a lot, i think i could be awesome, i think i have the intelligence and the willpower. i will be cruel and ruthless with myself to make up for lost time. if i choose this path ill do nothing but study for about a decade. programming is the only thing that makes me confident. you cant teach someone to be a good programmer. i love the theoretical side of it and will surely waste time with books about things like type theory and automata theory, im planning to get a bs in maths before i get a bs in cs for gods sake but ill be able to make very practical and impressive things one day if i choose this path.

i think if everything depends only on me, then my life is set and its all just a matter of time.

i dont know ill always be lonely and im accepting that loneliness now. ive wasted enough time, i will live my happy life now. actually its something much greater than happiness, like purity or serenity. its a giant feeling and worth all these hundreds of posts where ive talked about.

i dont know. im very afraid. im scared.

im the worst. sorry. sorry a lot.

 No.241594

>>241581
(I'll react to this one first)
It's good that you had the willpower to do things when you were a kid. I, for comparison, just went with the flow. Whenever I had some conflict in my life I ran away from those problems. Didn't learn shit about life. Had many opportunities but was too stupid to use them.
Anyways, the past is is the past. You cannot change it, neither I.
You the only thing left to do is concentrate on the time we had left. Life is short and I don't believe in afterlife so my motto is: if you want to do something, do it anyway. Don't think about if it's a good idea, if it eating you up inside then it worth the try trying it out. So good luck with programming, colleges teach it for 2-3 years but they teach useless crap too so you could easily become a junior developer in 1-2 years by self learning.
>>241585
(Just to clarify this comment wasn't me)
>>241591
(I assume this is also your comment)
Don't be ashamed of who you are. Being tall is still better than being short. I'm 6'2 and I know the struggle of being tall. Driving, commuting is uncomfortable. And I bump my head into the doorframe once in a while.
>self important self loving
Why is this a bad thing? You have to love yourself, that is a good thing imo. And narcissist aren't just loving themselves, they are arrogant turds who look down upon and manipulate other people for their amusement and benefit.
>if i choose computers i dont know yet if ill take bioinformatics or cryptography and infosec. im interested in both.
Do it. You have lot of free time so don't be afraid to make this first step. With time it becomes clear which one you should go for.
>i think i could be awesome, i think i have the intelligence and the willpower.
That's awesome man. You already won half the battle. Good attitude matters.
>i dont know. im very afraid. im scared.
Like everyone else. It's normal. With time you'll be more confident in your skills. Don't give up on your dream wiz

 No.241595

File: 1623326763102.png (1.29 MB, 1366x768, 683:384, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

im going to do it

i feel tired, i feel physical pain, i feel very old, im sickly, im poor, im ugly, im detested and ostracized everywhere i go, i could give up and enjoy a comfy neet lifestyle for several more years and not care about this world but im going to do it anyways. i think im hopeless, i think its pointless and meaningless but im going to do it anyways.

im going to focus on computers only. nothing else in my mind, no room for anything else in my life other than programming, maths and linux. from the moment i wake up to the moment i go to bed ill be thinking of numbers and commands. for the rest of my life. anyone can be a junior developer, im shooting for something much higher than that, i think i can do it, if i had started earlier when i was about 8 i could be what i want to be by now, ill be soullessly hard on myself from now on.

i feel crushed by an extraordinary feeling, it really is a giant feeling, its awesome, it feels incredible. free, happy and serene. but also being abandoned and complete loneliness. its not the future im afraid of, on the contrary, im afraid of being able to do anything i want to, im afraid of accepting loneliness, im afraid of freedom and happiness, its weird, like im asking someone if this is really alright and is this really what you want. i dont know its an otherworldly feeling, its so scary but so good. it feels like flying or levitating out of control.

sorry im a shit person, im horrible. im very sorry for wasting your time, im just talking to myself and procrastinating since my first post, its an enormous change and i wont stop until im dead when im decided so im taking my time to reflect well. you dont need to tell me to fuck off, ill stop now and not come back even if change my mind. i hate myself, im the very lowest. sorry im an abomination, an embarrassment. thats all ive ever been. im sorry.

 No.241597

File: 1623328480314.png (1.87 MB, 1366x768, 683:384, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

im just a retard, repeating the same things over and over like an ai, talking to himself, embarrassing embarrassing embarrassing. i dont know it felt like it was important and i wanted to talk a lot about it. im sorry im a retardo, thats all.

 No.241600

>>241595
Don't be so hard on yourself. You made some mistake in the past but you didn't know any better (or had the opportunity to learn programming). And learning shouldn't come from a self loathing place, you should feel joy by doing the thing you want to do. Sure put effort into it but don't get crushed under the harsh workload.
Build it up, make a plan.
>im afraid of accepting loneliness, im afraid of freedom and happiness, its weird, like im asking someone if this is really alright and is this really what you want.
I cannot give you a straight answer to this. I want to but I don't feel wise enough to comment it but you know, maybe you'll find the answer you're looking for along the way. It's like in that movie I, a robot when Will Smith asks the frofessors hologram about things. The doctor has the answer only for the right questions. And Will can only find the right questions to ask from the hologram after having new experiences.
>>241597
Don't dwell into self loathing or self pity. And I'm saying this without malice. It won't help this attitude only holds you back from achieveing things in life. I was like this a few years ago then I dopped it and now I'm doing better.
My motto to this is: stop complaining, start doing
I sometimes have to remind myself to this

 No.241604

File: 1623339442483.png (1.06 MB, 1366x768, 683:384, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i think i cant do it

im a fucking retard that loves talking about himself and repeating the same things over and over, thats all.

i dont know i wish i had a different life. i want to draw i want to make music and i want to program i want to do maths, i wish i could start over, i wish i looked different, i wish i had a better start, i cant do it like this, i cant live like this. im alone afraid poor ugly im sick i feel tired all the time i feel pain all the time, i try to stay awake but i always sleep a lot, i dont eat well, i cant do anything, im sorry for making such a big fuss over nothing, it was all a lie, i thought im going to do it anyways but its too scary and i think i cant.

i think the rational course of action is to stop thinking about everything that happened and could have been and accept im completely hopeless and enjoy the rest of my neetdom with eroge and not think about the rest of the world ever again. i really love eroge its not about the sex i swear i just like interacting with the characters and talking with them

its like ive never existed, ive never had a life, it was hell, i dont know, i wish i could express myself, and i wish i were different
i dont know i wish i had another life, i wish i could have found these things earlier and that it werent so difficult, i dont know i cant express myself or explain how i feel or what happened or why im doing this, all i can say is that i wish it were different and i can imagine it having been different and that it pains me a lot.

i dont know i hate this i hate what i am i hate this i hate this i hate this, i think i cant do it, i think its impossible for me. i hate this i hate this i hate this i hate this i wish it were different fucking shit ass i hate this i wish i had found drawing music and programming and maths when i was 6 i would do nothing but try to be better each day. its too late and pointless and meaningless and alone now, i cant even dream of having a future, its different i dont know, and i cant do it anyways even if i tried. and i wish i looked different. i hate how i look. i hate this i hate this i cant do it alone. i dont know i wish it were different. i hate this. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate this. i dont know maybe hate is a strong word i dont like it i wish it were different.

i dont know i dont want to accept its over but i think i will. i wanted to draw make music program and do maths, i wish i could have gotten into those things when my age was still written with a single digit, i wish i were not so bad looking. i cant do it like this. its impossible for me. i dont know it feels like being abandoned. im not suggesting anyone has ever or should ever cared about me but it feels like being abandoned, i dont want this, i dont want to be like this i want to draw and program and make things for other people but theres nothing that i can do, i dont know how to put it i cant express myself, everything comes across as complete gibberish i dont know why im even trying, and you have no idea how much that hurts me and how sad a creature i am. i dont know i just wish i had a different life i think if it werent so bad i could make the most of it and i can imagine myself being the happiest person on earth. right now im the saddest.

i dont know if i change my mind ill be even more lonely and sadder without eroge and just program a lot and try to be better no matter what even if the rational course of action is different and even if im destined to fail because there are things i want i want them a lot. i dont think that will happen im just saying this just in case because i want to stop posting forever and never again talk to anyone or seek human contact like ive said i would. i think ill just play eroge, thats probably what will happen im sorry i think i cant do it alone and like this and i need to forget about everything to bear being alive.

pathetic failure retard weak joke subhuman annoying obnoxious puke low iq everything bad everything bad im all of it im all the insults anyone can conjure.

i dont know sorry. sorry for wasting your time, sorry for everything, sorry.

 No.241611

>>241604
okay.. so.. start with stopping with the negative talk. You don't have to apologize for existing. I wasn't even mad at you but I'm starting to get annoyed.
>i dont know i wish i had another life, i wish i could have found these things earlier and that it werent so difficult
I feel you but there are the cards we got from life. You have to cook with what you have. I too wish that I could go back in time becore my tooth got punched out in 4th grade or before I got fat or before I quit judo, or karate or when I applied to the wrong college, or before I became a neet for 4 years.
I realized these unfortunate events shaped the current me and those failings led me to being humbled and to people who are dear to me. Family, friends.
Now, at 29 I have to pick my life up from where I left it. I started to take care of my body. Now I'm tinking about having a few hobbies I always wanted to do but I put those thing on hold which was a big mistake.
Things like learning tae kwon do or archery. Hiking, running, swimming, rock climbing etc
>i hate this i hate this i hate this, i think i cant do it, i think its impossible for me
Nothing is impossibe (maybe there are things which are but coding is pretty straight forward. You only need to have a computer). This little voice in your head, who is always doubting you, will be less and less noisy as you progress. I know it sound silly but I also made this voice my ally. Confronted it and told it you either supporting me or you are out
Sounds crazy but it worked.
>i cant even dream of having a future
This is a hard one, have to tell you. I talked with a few neets and they often cose to stay neets. Because it protects them from reality. Living in standby mode is not good but I understand because I for example left neetdom for good 4 years ago and having ambitions and dreams and living up to them is hard and there is no guarantee in life for things to work out in the end. So my advice is just to take it easy. You'll learn a little bit of programming, and drawing, music, etc just for the joy of learning. And then at one point you'll have to choose a path.
>i wish i were not so bad looking.
I wish that too but it is what it is. You could make some changes (clothes, hairdo) to make it better.
>i want to draw and program and make things for other people but theres nothing that i can do, i dont know how to put it i cant express myself, everything comes across as complete gibberish i dont know why im even trying
That's the beauty of it. You suck at first. Then you gt better at it and suck less. It's still worth the try.
>imagine myself being the happiest person on earth
To quote a friend of mine: Happiness is a meme. People chase this idea that they need to be happy and then they do drugs and risky sex, alcohol and other nasty stuff. Just be content with yourself. There will be good days and there will be bad days. There will be promotions or new console, and another time you'll lose loved ones or have an accident.
Life is a funny asshole
>pathetic failure retard weak joke subhuman annoying obnoxious puke low iq everything bad everything bad im all of it im all the insults anyone can conjure.
Snap out of this kind of talk. Don't make me slap you wizzy.
Insted of this. Tell yourself that you are enough and you are worthy of being loved.

 No.241618

File: 1623367070944.png (2.51 MB, 1920x1080, 16:9, [FFA] Strike Witches_ Road….png) ImgOps iqdb

~tai hen da, tai hen da~

 No.241637

File: 1623398398166.jpg (428.66 KB, 1600x1058, 800:529, download (46).jpg) ImgOps iqdb

So what the fuck happened with this thread? Is thread so useless now that a insane schizo weeb only posts here? God everything just keeps sucking and sucking.

 No.241641

>>241637
Appreciate the dedication though.
Loonies are based.

 No.241649

>>241581
>all i wish is that i could start over and somehow get into programming earlier.
So your only aspiration in life is to be a code monkey? You could have been anything else in life and not have to compete with pajeets who work for pennies on the dollar. I think you're putting way too much emphasis on programming. It's a necessary evil; a means to an end.

 No.241674

File: 1623443896593.png (437.99 KB, 500x667, 500:667, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know im a crazie
nobody cares about me ive never had a life
i want my life back, i want to go back to when i was 7, i didnt get to choose anything, if i could have chosen id have been dead serious about programming and maybe drawing
i want my life back, i want to start over, i want a second chance, this was hell, this was torture
i dont know i hate this. i dont want this. im different. im not like this.
i cant do anything like this
if i do anything ill be alone, i cant dream of being together with others anymore, i cant dream of something like getting good at drawing and sharing my things, not because i cant dream of being good at drawing, or getting good at programming and programming things together with others, not because i cant dream of being a good programmer, i dont know
i dont know i think the point of being good at something is to share it. and its like i have to tell myself the rest of the world doesnt matter, that i have to do these things without expecting any reward or recognition, i dont know how to put it, if i really ever become a good artist and if i can ever put out awesome drawings i think i wouldnt share them and just keep them on my pc assuming i dont delete them the moment theyre done and id focus on getting better and better only and never put out anything, something like that, sorry i dont know how to express myself
im a fucking retard i think my brain might not have seriously developed past the age of 8, i still think and speak like a kid
i dont know what to do, i dont want to kill myself, i want to do what is right and good even if im alone and fated to suffer no matter what, i want to do the right thing even if i could just enjoy the present and im destined to burn in hell forever, im not an hedonist, i finally can "be myself", im not a pig that spends all day every day reading eroge, but its very meaningless being alone, i think ive lived in a way that is unacceptable, maybe not for others but ive lived in a way thats unacceptable for myself, i dont tolerate myself, and i think ill get off the same tracks as everyone else and start building my own rail, its insane loneliness, it feels like changing the frequency my brain operates on.
its all very different when youre in your 20s, i want to go back to when i was a kid, i dont feel like i have time, i feel like i have to rush everything, i cant concentrate well, i have tons of problems, i want to go back to when i was a kid, god please
ill always be alone and no matter what i do my life will always suck, no matter how good i get at something i wont ever get to share it, in these conditions i have to tell myself this
and i think ill do it anyways, ill pick programming or drawing or both and i know i can be very good at these things and ill pick them up even without any prospects of a future, even knowing i have horrible health and will probably die in my 40s at best, every time i spend some days all alone i start thinking about doing it, its very scary and i think its a mistake but i dont know what else to do
i dont know im afraid, i wish i had a different life, im very afraid, im scared to death
i dont know im in hell
im sorry im a brainlet zoomer and nothing good. i dont know i cant talk about why i turned out like this freak abomination monster i dont think its genetics or only genetics but at least i can talk about how i feel in the present and what i wish more or less
i dont know sorry i dont have anyone to talk to and i feel extreme anxiety and im feeling a lot of things and i have no one to talk to, i think im too scared to make a decision and if i make a decision it will be wrong and even the best option whatever it is, is a lifetime commitment to death, i dont know im sorry, im a useless looney and all i do is complain, im posting here because this thread reached the bump limit and i thought everyone else moved to the new thread im just talking to myself
manbaby manchild retard useless pathetic waste of organs subhuman

>>241649

what im trying to say is i cant have any aspirations in life anymore, no matter what i do im doomed, i could have great aspirations if i had started programming earlier but i think now is too late and my life is too screwed, it has always been and ive just turned a blind eye to it and told myself everything will figure out itself if i hold on to dear hopes, i had a very awful family and they ruined everything, from big decisions down to small everyday annoyances, i think its wrong to blame anything on others but im wrong and my life is over anyways and im horrible so im doing something wrong, and i just bottled everything up and told myself i just have to be stronger, more than anything they never let me be free, i wish they had just let me grow up on my own and figure out for myself whats better for me, from a yougn age i was pressured to be a civil servant and never considered anything else until very recently, im lost right now i think i cant fix my life i think its too late, i think i grew up to be an awful person because ive never been free and it was like screaming for help, i dont know, if i were let to myself and allowed to be myself id have grown up to be much different, im glad i can become what i think i am even if im alone and even if its only a fraction of what i could have been, i think im different and ill still be different and be myself from now on even if its pointless, i want to talk about it because if i dont its like none of this even happened to begin with, i dont know im sure this all comes off as gibberish and nonsense and you have no idea what im talking about, i dont know cant i just say im a looney so i make stupid nonsense long posts on wizchan.

and what im trying to say is that ill still study programming every single day and nothing else because i think its the right thing to do, i have no hopes of doing anything i want to so ill just read a lot of books until im dead, i dont know if thats not exactly what ill do its something along those lines, it feels like abandoned because im doing what i think is right and taking a very radical approach to it.

>code monkey

programming is the best activity right up there with drawing and music. theres no way to convince you why its good, you have to see it for yourself, and if you cant see it too bad. everything begins with curiosity and a desire to know or to be better, then you think about all the things you have to know and want to know and all the languages you want to master and the books you believe you must read to really "get it" at a deeper level or to formalize your knowledge, aand before you know it youre in love with it and turning every formula on wikipedia into code and you cant live without it and youd rather read o'rly books and solve exercises from springer books than play videogames, it becomes a part of who you are and makes you think that before programming you werent really alive. drawing is the same thing, as is music. i dont know the most ive done yet is short programs to understand c pointers and passing arguments to functions by reference, ive tried retardations like passing arrays as arguments to functions so you can go ahead and call me a poser, i wouldnt tell anyone im a programmer but i would tell myself i love programming. i cant decide if i like programming or drawing the most, regardless i think ill pick programming only because being good at drawing requires money for things like a cintiq. i have only one monitor so i might have to squeeze my eyes sometimes when programming but i think its different i dont know. if i were 7 i could easily take both and id be professionally awesome at them both by the time i turned 18. i hate this life.
i dont know sorry for talking back im a retard and shouldnt talk back to people. im just a looney that loves talking about himself. you dont have to reply to me or give me attention im really just talking to myself and surprised there are posts that arent stfu nigger or fucking kill yourself retard. i think i should kill myself but i think its wrong and also im a coward, every time im about to kill myself i back off, ive lost count of how many times ive leaned on the rail of bridges thinking this time im going to do it. im a coward a pussy a faggot. im sorry.

 No.241679

File: 1623450696697.png (2.73 MB, 1151x1151, 1:1, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i think i tried bending myself to be a different person because of my guardians and circumstances and told myself im someone im not for most of my life and convinced myself im something im not, that im something very bad and repulsive, every moment was grappling with myself, fighting with myself, i think i had no other choice or at least couldnt think of one and always chose very bad ways to deal with my problems that only further damaged myself and there wasnt one moment of my day when i wasnt fighting with myself and im glad "i" didnt win, im glad "i" or whatever that is lost. i dont know this really cant be called anything other than mental illness i think. i dont know it was all very weird and struggling maybe since i was a toddler, i think i have a very shitty family, ive been told several times i used to cry like crazy as a baby, maybe my mother had no idea how to handle a child but i assume ive just been crazy from birth, i dont like saying these things about my own family i think its in extremely bad character but im horrible anyways and ive already made so many posts so i might as well say what i think is true. i dont know im very unused to this, to just speaking up my mind and not pretending to be someone im not, im not used to speaking up what i think is true.
i dont know but now i cant be anything i really wanted to be, its too late and ill always be alone and unfortunate, i think ill still pick up something like drawing or programming despite the future being so bleak and do only that every day like theres no tomorrow because there really isnt one for me. im hoarding a lot of music right now and im handpicking everything so it might take some days but im very eager to get started for real.
i dont know sorry a lot im just a very bad person. i dont know i think im not and im glad i survived fighting myself and can be free just a little but i think my life is irrepairable and ill have to live completely on my own far away from everyone else because no one will ever believe me because i fear ill always be judged by my past. at least i think its shameful and that i dont deserve to surround myself by nice people or even by people that i think are like myself, i dont know, im just spouting schizophrenic egocentric nonsense, im a very awful shit.

 No.241681

File: 1623451397038.png (2.1 MB, 850x1240, 85:124, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know sorry for so much autism in one thread
i just wanted to say i dont want to accept loneliness but i think i will because theres no other way for me, ive always been alone but at least i tried to the very end to belong somewhere
and that i think my future is hopeless
and nonetheless i will study programming and maths like crazy every day
or maybe drawing
or maybe ill give up and realize its like ive never existed and just read eroge every day until i die
and that i wish i could go back to when i was a kid and that i could have lived life my own way because i think i didnt get to, i wish i had another life, i wish i could start over.
and that im very happy, im moving to a world of my own, its lonely and freezing, it feels like dying inside myself but its fantastic, i wish i could be with everyone else but im very happy alone despite everything
and that im extremely scared, i think im making a mistake but i dont see the alternative.
sorry im the lowest im the worst sorry a lot. sorry.

 No.241688

File: 1623469124284.png (10.22 MB, 2048x2802, 1024:1401, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know i think i cant do it

i want to but its too late and im too stupid and weak and pathetic. its meaningless and pointless now. yeah learning the basics of pointers in your 20s, brilliant, simply brilliant. im am embarrassment, im a retard thats all

whats the point of doing anything if youre just going to die in the end, whats the point of trying and struggling if you know youre going to fail, whats the point of learning if youre never going to use anything, whats the point in doing anything useless, i dont know, i think i cant do it.

i think i should just give up, but i dont want to, i want to try and be myself and do what i think is right no matter what but i cant do it, its impossible, theres no point, im in hell and theres no escape from it, i dont know what to do.

i wish i had a time machine, i wish i could start life over, god please listen to my prayers, i want to go back to when i was 11 at most, id learn more about computers and maths every day then go on to a nice uni and then work on projects every day, i dont care about anything else. its like ive never existed, and never will exist. i cant dream of a future as an adult. life is over. lets say its my fault, i think its not but fine. its over. i dont have a future no matter what i do. im in very bad sheets.

i dont know. i want to get out of here but i cant. i think its wrong and detestable and disgusting but i think ill give up on everything and forget about the world and focus on enjoying my neet lifestyle and my temporary life while i still can with 2d. i dont want to but theres nothing more that i can do. i dont know i hate this, i hate this i hate this i hate this. i want to do it but theres no point, i dont see a light at the end of the tunnel, when i look at my life and try to make realistic plans looking at the months and weeks several years into the future, looking at how much money i get from my mother each day, and how much i could make even from a high paying job, considering my health and everything else i cant do it, the numbers dont add up for what i want to do and i might as well do nothing rather than suffer alone in vain, i dont know im a loser, im the worst person on this globe, thats all theres to it, i can imagine it being very different but theres nothing i can do here. i hate this, i cant do it, i want to but i cant because im hopeless.

i dont know, im afraid, i cant decide, im hopeless and i think i cant do what i want to do, i cant shoot for as high a target as id like but i think a lot about trying anyways, and doing everything i believe i should do, and everything i can do now, even though ill never get any rewards and my life will never improve and ill always be alone anyways and for no recognition or anything, just because its the right to do and because im different. and on the other hand i dont want to give up but its the only rational course of action and its what i believe i should do, i should give up and forget about it, im a different type of person but this life sucked, and i should just not think about it, i dont want to do that but its what i should do, after all im hopeless, theres no hope of succeeding. im afraid, im afraid im afraid im afraid, im scared.

i dont know, im sorry im really insane and everything i say is nonsense gibberish puke yeah im a looney. im the worst. embarrassing embarrassing, retard retard retard.

 No.241690

what i really want to do is to forget about this world and program every day and do nothing else, i want to read every day, i want to learn a lot of things, i want there to be nothing in my head except code, i want to be something like a weapon, i think its what i am deep inside, but i think its too late for that now, its pointless and im hopeless and i have hundreds of problems i cant deal with it, i should just enjoy being a hikikomori while i still can
i dont want to do that, its disgusting and horrible and the worst thing in the world and being a normalfag but i cant succeed, theres no point anymore, i dont "have a future" anymore, its all that i can do, its all theres left, its the only way to make somehting out of the life ive been given, i dont know how to put it other than saying im in hell and theres no escape from it. i dont want to give up but i cant succeed no matter what. i want to try but its pointless, i know the exact outcome no matter what.

 No.241691

File: 1623470902572.png (239.92 KB, 420x614, 210:307, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know sorry for being a retard, sorry for having done this, im the worst im embarrassing im retarded, im a subhuman, awful pathetic weak everything bad, i just feel like going through something extraordinary and wanted to talk about it, im sorry.

 No.241705

>>241691
Now you're just repeating yourself. Forget about the past. You live in the present. The things you don't do now will affect your future. Start now and the 2 year later version of you will be happy you put in the effort to learn programming and become employable.

 No.241710

>>241691
Stop talking, you're insane and have been babbling all fucking day. Just shut up and learn to deal with things on your own. I know this is a crawl whine thread but this is blatant insanity, saying the same thing over and over again. Just lie down and rot.

 No.241770

>>241705
>>241710
He's going through something extraordinary, just let him have his space to think and feel.

 No.241771

File: 1623550823299.png (2.22 MB, 1366x768, 683:384, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>241710
im not going to lie down and rot.

i think its pointless i think its meaningless i think i dont have a future i dont have a chance but im going to do it anyways, i feel very happy and excited

ill definitely get a degree in maths first and focus on the theoretical side of things which i love, im going to read knuth and bourbaki and so many others and learn the core of several programming languages im going to learn a lot of very abstract stuff and stretch my neurons a lot in this period. then focus on more real world stuff like infosec while getting my degree in cs. then im not sure yet. i think cryptography and computer security is where i can really shine and ill always study it on the side but in my current gameplan ill take bioinformatics. i want to be a healer i want to cure i want to help people i want to make others smile and to be helpful, i believe in things like kindness and niceness but i suck a lot at interacting directly with people so i need to find another way to hhelp, im very useless right now but i think i have a lot of potential. also i look very bad and im very weak but i can at least dream of becoming very strong and better looking with bio stuff. so i think its bioinformatics. i dont know maybe ill change my mind i have a lot of contingency plans but thats what i think ill do right now.

i dont know ill be alone for the rest of my life and and ill just spend the rest of my life with computers and machines and never again think of people, im very afraid but i feel so free and awesome, it really is an extraordinary feelign and i can only try to tell you what im going through its awesome. im definitely flipping a switch on the back of my head or changing the frequency it operates on it feels like flying, i think ill be very very good at programming, i already feel like turning into a computer myself, its frightening but it feels so good. im starting from 0 at 22 but im so confident i think i have the perfect brain for programming.

i dont know my life was very stormy and very sad until now but i finally reached a sea of peace and im very happy, i can finally be myself and do what i myself think is right if it all depends on me then my life is set and i think ill always be very happy and only feel better and better from now on. but im moving to my own world, i cant live in the same world as others. partially because everything that happened i think, i dont dislike anyone i dislike myself and think everything ive done and the way ive lived is unacceptable and unforgivable, i dont tolerate what i am, i will never accept myself i think, im a really bad person and should isolate myself from others. also being alone helps to focus. ill never again play videogames or watch anime or anything it will be just code and numbers from now on until im dead. im happy with it, im doing this off my own accord not because i feel pressured, because i think its what im very good at. i want to draw too eventually but its at least 10 years down the road to be honest.

i dont know im taking a big leap of faith i think its a mistake and will lead to nowhere but im going to do it anyways. i think the rational course of action is to not do it and to enjoy being a hikikomori and forget about everything but every time i spend some time alone and think about giving up forever it itches. im going to do it.

i dont know sorry for being so repetitive and cringy and retarded and everything bad i just wanted to say im going to do something i think is awesome and i think i can become an awesome person and im afraid, afraid of so many things, first that its pointless and everything ill do will be for naught and i dont want to do this im scared i think its a mistake im afraid of loneliness happiness and freedom but ill embrace these 3 things. and i dont know i feel like losing something very important that i should hold on to no matter what but i have to let it go. its something like empathy or caring about other people, im moving to a world with only me.

i dont know sorry for being such a bad person sorry a lot.

 No.241776

File: 1623567442014.png (1.06 MB, 1366x768, 683:384, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know im otherworldy afraid but im going to do this.

i dont know it feels like dying inside myself. this is much scarier than physical death, i dont fear physical death one thousandth as much as i fear what im going to do inside myself. ive taken a few peaks on the other side and its great, theres only me and i can fly around and i can be free but its scary, im dying, i dont want to leave this world. i wish my life had been different, i wish i had gotten into drawing and programming when i was 8 or so. i wish i could be with everyone else. im afraid of loneliness, but i have no option but to fully embrace it and take all the happiness and freedom that comes with it. im afraid im afraid im afraid im afraid but im going to do it. i feel so good but im so scared.

consider me dead. i died inside myself. and im living an awesome afterlife now.

i dont know sorry for everything

 No.241841

File: 1623629881107.png (26.92 KB, 94x119, 94:119, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

i dont know sorry
i just wanted to say im planning to spend the rest of my life with programming and computers and never again think of anything else, ill spend the rest of my life alone im afraid but i think its what ill do
i feel so good but im so scared, i feel so much focus and like turning into a computer myself and getting lost in my mind its awesome but frightening freezing and complete loneliness
i think im hopeless i think i dont have a future i think ill always be screwed and i should just enjoy my hikki life but im throwing that in the garbage im going to do it anyways, ill do what i think is right im finally free to do so
my current plan is a bs in maths a bs in cs and then a ms in bioinformatics i want to discover genes and make augmentations i love computers and maths but ill eventually get into biohacking i think its not about the goal so much as the path it feels great i think i can be awesome at programming at least im in love with it im so happy and excited i dont know
i dont know i hate this life i wish i had started earlier im sorry for ahving lived like this i blame my family and my life it was too cruel but im so happy i can finally be myself and do what i want
i dont know sorry a lot ill be a very different person from now on even though ill be very lonely and i have no future. god im so scared. its a lifelong commitment to only one thing and a commitment to loneliness, im scared but i feel fantastic, i dont know, im afraid but im going to do this, i procrastinated a lot until now but im going to do it.
sorry, sorry a lot, sorry for everything.
i dont know im scared im afraid im sorry but im going to do it, im lonely and happy and i love programming and i feel like flying, im dying inside myself but i feel so alive at the same time it really is insane.
and i dont know i feel like im throwing away or leaving something very precious behind, like my own soul. i feel like giving up on something like hope or empathy or love for others, that i shouldnt do this no matter what but my circumstances are very bleak, i dont want to do this but theres no way around for me, im hopeless and accepting my own hopelessness im very sorry, im in a heaven of my own now, im so free and i feel so pure and light but theres only me, im so afraid im scared scared scared but ill do it.
sorry sorry a lot. im the worst all the insults in the dictionary all the mean things you can tell a person im all of it, sorry.

 No.241851

Bro, you like programming? That's awesome! Who's your favorite progrommer? Mines Tesla.

 No.241865

File: 1623642472320.png (1.35 MB, 1366x768, 683:384, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

>>241851
kenneth iverson, apl is the best progromming language.

i dont know sorry for all this shitposting mess i tried to says omethig i hope i got it across

i dont know im very afraid but im going to do this. ill spend the rest of my life with computers only, living in my own private headworld only. i hope ive been able to communicate a bit what im feeling. im terrified i dont want to do this but theres no other way for me. im going to live in a world of my own, completely detached from everyone else, im free and happy but freezing and alone, its irreversible and i think its a mistake but i cant be with everyone else im too different and unfortunate. i feel fantastic but im dying inside myself and im leaving something very important behind, something i should always keep on myself. i dont know i feel awesome but im afraid very very afraid. i could enjoy being a hikikomori with things like eroge but im going to do this anyways. i dont know i just feel like im doing something very different from everything that is normal and its very important to me and wanted to talk a looot about it so im a freak thats all.

i dont know sorry for being like this. sorry about everything. sorry.

 No.242088

File: 1623983785292.png (684.46 KB, 1280x700, 64:35, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

theres a cool applied maths course in the nearest uni which is said to be very good and everyone who goes to this uni brags about it, i know its nothing but its the best in my continent. they have supercomputers. the bulk of the course is stuff like algorithms neural networks machine learning stochastic processes etc but there are also classes from mathematical logic and algebraic topology to operating systems and DSP. i have studied all the possibilities right now i think it will be a bs in applied math a ms in bioinformatics and a phd in computational genomics. im very excited. thinking of stuff like discovering and simulating useful genes for plants and humans. the cat ears wont grow themselves you know. probably figure out how to make crops grow in arid regions and change human eye and hair color and extend lifespan and cure diseases before full blown catgirls though. i dont know im very proud of the things i will do the in the future im very glad i can help others and be helpful i want to cure a lot and give a lot of life, i cant be a normal person and fit into a community so i have to be hhelpful some other way. theres so much to be done and i think thats where being a good and dedicated programmer can really come out. i wanted to get into cryptography and computer security and hacking i think its my hidden talent but i think its too late for that. still not that bad. it will be complete dedication from now on. im living in a world of my own. all that matters to me is code and textbooks now. im making my own rules. i dont know it definitely feels like magic. i think magic is being able to see things from your very own perspective and before finding meaning in being you first must just "be" and be a source of energy rather than a sink. i dont know im entering a very long tunnel and i think i wont make it to the other side, 4+2+5 years of studying and ill never waste time with things like imageboards or anything else again, just studying every day because i think i shouldnt have done this as a child but i didnt get to it was hell, its a very long journey, so long i have to change my mindset completely and tell myself it will be like this until i die, that i wont ever go back to what i used to be or forget what i want to be i dont know, i think im going trhough something awesome and doing something awesome i think ill be very good you just want until im done with my studies ill learn so many programming languages and so much maths and i think i can make jaw dropping stuff im really excited. i dont know im very alone but very happy, very happy but very alone now all i do is studying. i dont know how to explain it well its a major psychological change and being what ive always wanted to be or what ive always been inside but couldnt because of my circumstances but very alone, i dont know how to put it, it feels incredible and awesome, i dont know. i just want to say that a lot im so happy i feel super but im so lonely now, ive always been but its accepting it and embracing it and completely forgetting about everything except my own world, i dont know its great its weird i think im hopeless but i feel good, i think i found true happiness everything feels like its just a matter of time now and i can see so clearly and distantly into the future that i feel like a time traveller. i dont know its great, im doomed but i feel so good i think, i dont know. im so scared im afraid im afraid im afraid i think this is a mistake and i shouldnt do this i dont want to i jiust want to be with everyone else but im going to do it im going to do it, this is my trace of existence and that i think im something different but things went all wrong and im accepting that now i dont know. im bad awful everything bad all the insults and mean things you can tell a person thats all. bad bad bad. sorry sorry a lot sorry for everything sorry.

 No.242226

File: 1624212036885.png (2.31 MB, 1920x1080, 16:9, Genius party6.png) ImgOps iqdb

>this schizo is still going off to himself
Jesus.

 No.242249

>>242226
Genius party 2 was better. Just sayan.


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