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File: 1630618521818.png (1.48 MB, 1027x1280, 1027:1280, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

 No.246401[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

 No.246403

What can I do beside drinking every Saturday? I work 6 days a week (usually 9-12 hours) Anime and video games are no longer a cope for me. I want to try something new, maybe get back to reading again, but I come back from work exhausted. Also I'm unable to leave my actual job because of financial problems.

 No.246404

I miss being in my early 20s, coming home from my min wage job, and watching the walking dead with my mom, then going to my room and drinking a beer while playing games. life was simpler. I'm in my 30s now, my house is empty, I have so much work and things to do

 No.246405

>>246403
how the hell do you do it? that is like 60 hours a week or more, basically 3/4 of your time awake is working

 No.246406

>>246404
>watching the walking dead with my mom
Also used to watch this with my family. Sopranos and King of the Hill also. I have good memories of watching TV completely by myself. One of the worst things about the dystopic nightmare world we live in is the lack of anything worth watching on modern TV. Pirating old shows over the internet isn't the same experience. The mindless, zero-effort process of turning on your TV and flipping to your favorite channel is no longer. I hate being confined to my computer screen or staring at a small phone screen and watching the same YouTube videos I have watched countless times or clicking on some dumb video essay or a stream and mentally checking out after about five minutes. I wish I could just lay down on my bed, push a button and something worth watching would be on TV. Why does life have to feel like I am Chris Chan serving his prison sentence?

 No.246407

>>246405
You see, we get to drink at work…we drink a lot, only night shifts.

 No.246415

you ever go into one of the threads, spend an hour composing a relevant post, and then just close the posting form without sending it?

describing my experience is equivalent to begging for attention/sympathy, to give advice is to assert i know something better than the other wizzes, raising a talking point is presuming i have anything novel to add, arguing that some wiz is wrong is invalidating their experience, and agreeing with some wiz is pointless as they hold their views already

it's like there's some base-level constant that dictates "your words are either worthless or actively harmful" that kicks in

t. made an actual post, going against his own words

 No.246417

>>246415
>you ever go into one of the threads, spend an hour composing a relevant post, and then just close the posting form without sending it?
I think I spent 20 minutes max before I realize I'm not going to post it. This might be my poor sense of time though. Maybe I've spent closer to an hour sometimes.
it used to be that I didn't post for basically the same reasons you gave.
The feelings of shame and worthlessness are less intense now and I rarely worry that I'll be actively hurting or offending someone.
But I have great insecurity about the worthiness of my contributions because of what I feel are just objective assessments that anything I can produce is 90% less informed and well worded than I would have considered minimum standard if my brain hadn't fallen apart years ago and I stopped reading or experiencing anything.
So even though I've almost gotten over the first problem of internal shaming, I now have a mental state and level of general knowledge and education (and inability to improve) that was caused by that problem…and which has made the personal assessments of worthlessness even more objectively true.

 No.246418

anyone else relate to this.
>depressed so you want to sleep all day
>dont sleep because waking up is so hard
makes no sense and is either one or the other

 No.246420

I'm just a paralyzed blob. Refresh page. Do nothing. Stare at ceiling. blob time

 No.246424

>>246417
>I rarely worry that I'll be actively hurting or offending someone.
Around these parts, the probability of triggering someone is extremely high. Whatever it is that you post, someone will passive-aggressively gripe about it or mock your post in another thread.

 No.246431

Are you from Brazil, OP?

 No.246451

>>246431
Yes, I suppose you recognized the schizo from the pic if you're also BR

 No.246452

>>246451
is this a famous image in brazil?

 No.246453

File: 1630772887152.gif (3.07 MB, 600x338, 300:169, tom.gif) ImgOps iqdb

There's no point living just to be a wageslave who goes home, sleeps and then goes back to wageslave

 No.246459

>>246452
Not the image but the guy in it is an ultra schizo who got a bit famous for posting weird shit like that pic.

 No.246462

My dad's fat gf gave me athlete's foot and she still walks around with bare feet all the time. It's over.

 No.246465

All suffering stems from the root of fear of death. Once you accept death there can be no more fear. No more anxiety. Sadly this is the hardest part to accept. Social anxiety? Depression? Mental illness? BPD? Autism? All bullshit. Just another way of fear of death. We are all frauds. We are all cowards. Accept death to thrive in life. Accept death to thrive. Deny life to conquer it.

 No.246467

>>246465
>bpd is bullshit
You misunderstand the experience of being borderline. You have never been plagued by it.

defend your assertion that when you accept death you won't be bpd anymore?

 No.246480

>>246465
How did you get lost while browsing facebook and end up here?

 No.246481

File: 1630836973358.png (327.11 KB, 512x720, 32:45, a819a282e38587ca76d2241d14….png) ImgOps iqdb

Went to get a jacket by mother's request. While I was eating a crepe she immediately said I should go take a walk to one building to see if they're hiring.

Again I was right, Demiurge. This my fear had all the grounds behind it. Patterns that repeatedly happened would likely happen again provided no change in conditions.

Only helping but not saving grace is thinking about pure and pure-hearted, responsible where it counts 2d shopping with other pure shojo in Japanese malls.

 No.246482

I realized that my sadness is not due to the world being bad and instead praise for the beauty of the world. I want to watch a kawaii moe anime but feel like I have watched everything worth watching.

 No.246501

I tried to get hobbies just like the normalfags say. I forced myself through math textbooks, exercise, music, documentaries, drawing, and guess what? I'm still bored. None of it was fun.

Fuck normalfags and their "advice"

 No.246502

>>246501
i feel the same i have given everthing a go but what can we do when we dont latch onto anything? is there anything you even want in life?

 No.246507

>>246501
>>246502
i had that problem till i started taking wellbutrin. you may have a medical condition like me. feeling nothing is more hellish than suffering.

 No.246509

>>246507
I'm on multiple medications already.
>>246502
I can't think of anything. What is there to want?

 No.246510

>>246501
why would you expect excitement out of boring hobbies? Try something more exciting like paintball, riding your bike down mountains, combat sports, gambling, etc. The more dangerous the better.

 No.246529

>>246510
you can never win with this line of reasoning. try hobbies a, b and c and you'll just come back with hobbies d, e and f. Until I exhaust EVERY hobby on earth then I can't say the advice is shit.

just leave.

 No.246531

>>246529
people make the mistake of thinking someone cannot enjoy anything because what they are doing is not fun instead of not being able to enjoy a single thing.
What you haven't tried going down waterfalls in a barrel?

 No.246543

>>246529
No, come on here, you literally picked the most boring hobbies imaginable and then concluded you don't like all hobbies from it. It's fucking retarded. It's like trying steamed brussel sprouts and then deciding that you don't like vegetables.

 No.246573

i just don't care about anything. i have things that i need to do, but i would rather pace around my apartment or lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling than do them. i have things that i am mildly interested in, but every time i start doing them i realize the futility of it and get frustrated after a short amount of time. i feel like i am always one step away from falling behind and becoming homeless with no money, but i cant really do anything to stop this

 No.246581

File: 1630982871733.jpg (1.65 MB, 1920x2179, 1920:2179, Punishment_sisyph.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

it seems like in my life there is this big cycle where i try to improve myself and attempt to find success in life but am frustrated by my inability to control outcomes. so i feel that its pointless and lay down and rot. but then i become green with envy towards people who have things that i dont, and that makes me hate myself. so i try to improve and try and be successful and things start over again

 No.246584

File: 1630990535013.png (494.44 KB, 640x640, 1:1, ClipboardImage.png) ImgOps iqdb

I lost all hope and gonna kill myself by the end of the year.
One thing that eats me up inside is the fact that, even though I come from an upper-class and lovely family, had good education, etc. I failed in life, just like all of you. I had the opportunity to conquer great achievements, but I took it all for granted. And here I'm, NEET, with no money, no degree, no NEETbucks, no shit, etc.
I can't support the guilt of being a worthless POS anymore. I won't blame anybody for what I became. My parents gave their best for me.

Just realized that all that fear of becoming a vegetable is a huge COPE and gonna jump from the rooftop.

 No.246585

>>246584
what does failing in life even mean for you?

 No.246587

well i've done it. ive made plans to improve again. the worse things that have ever happened to me were always when i was trying to improve. almost daily i am reminded of shit i did when "improving" that fucked me. this is a risky time and im genuinely terrified at what unexpected trauma thats going to come for me. it's so fucking dumb that i keep being tricked into leaving the dopamine cave thinking i can somehow get richer as a wizard. fucking pointless cope thinking getting a degree as a wizard is going to get me a non-shit job.

 No.246589

>>246587
what plans have you made and what stands in your way? improving is always scary because you are psychologically at risk when not resigned to defeat

 No.246593

I wish I had some sort of skills.

 No.246594

>>246584
If your parents are rich there's literally nothing wrong with just neeting it up with them. They won capitalism so the reward is not having to work for you or your kids. You will inherit a house and money when they die so it's all good. If you need pocket money for video games and shit just do some occasional part time labor then quit. The only problem is they usually want to continue the line so they need at least one child to be able to earn money and reproduce. If you have a brother or sister who is capable of this, then you're off the hook, otherwise the pressure will probably remain for a while, but eventually your parents will lose hope and accept you aren't going to be normal or reproduce and then you can just live comfortably as a neet without feeling bad about it.

 No.246595

>>246584
Isn't that another Brazilian guy, Wellington? Tell me your history.

 No.246599

>>246587
My problem with trying to improve via the conventional way ie improving education so you can become an office slave instead of a retail or laborer slave was that eventually I realized that I didn't even want the eventual outcome that I was working towards. When you try to improve you become immediately aware of how important it is to "play the game" in order to succeed. At every level normalfaggot social dynamics will conspire to fuck over the average low charisma wizard. In order to get hired you have to pass the interview and the interviewer is likely to go with some guy he knows from some random social event like bowling over some wizard like you. This is backed up by the data which indicate nepotism is still the most common way to get a job with randoms off the street barely even being considered. Even if you are lucky enough to get a job it's likely you will end up doing large amounts of the work while normalfag coworkers gossip and suck up to the boss. You will get all the shittiest assignments while the boss's friends get the cushiest jobs and get promotions and pay raises while you are left at the lowest level. They may even randomly spread untrue rumors about you and get you fired for the sole reason that they smell weakness and they enjoy chumming the waters and seeing what will happen.

I'm not trying to say any of that is a lock or anything but what is a lock is the need to debase oneself and jump through hoops to alter your behavior to suit the requirements of the particular social situation you are in in order to succeed. The ones who can do this the most and can charm any person will rise to the top without even putting in any effort but the ones lacking these skills will have to struggle and be perfect. Yes, that office job comes with a higher salary, but what happens if you just quit for a year or two to be free? Will you be able to find another office job? The competition is fierce for higher paying positions so you are also less free, you need to be on your best behavior and not fuck up. On the other hand if you accept shit jobs you know you can always get a shit job no matter what. The trick imo is to simply target a lifestyle that requires as little work as possible to survive. If you can leech off parents you can reduce your work to almost nothing, but if not you can still find ways to live frugally like living in a vehicle to reduce your work. I realize I am literally more at ease with a life as a homeless person living in their car than I am as a slave.

 No.246605

File: 1631033880342.jpg (756.4 KB, 1920x1440, 4:3, Chateau_de_Challain.JPG) ImgOps iqdb

>>246599
Drenched with truth. Wish I had the wisdom to see that far out at the beginning, now stuck in office slavery.

The constant debasement is the worst part and it is just a sad fact that your family expects you to dance like a monkey.

So yes, find the least expensive lifestyle and aim for it. Tired. Truly golden chains where you can't enjoy the gold since you're bound.
Dead in the head most days.

Going to quit (I hope I have the courage to see it through), because doing this waging seems antithetical to the good living you ever bother to look at if you drive by affluent neighborhoods.
Gathering money to get priced out by inflation.

Either play the game fully (be a BUSINESSman) or optimize.

 No.246616

>>246585
I didn't express myself well, so let's get this straight.

If someone is poor and raised in a dysfunctional family, and then end up with no degree, unemployed, junkie or in an underemployment, it's ok or at least, it's comprehensible, if you know what I mean. You can't fail if you didn't have the opportunity.

But if someone had all the means to be a successful person, but as the years pass by, still doesn't get it together, NEET and with no goal carved out, so that is an example of someone that failed in life which is my case.

 No.246627

>>246616
to fail you must be unable to reach where you want to.get. I am asking what succesful even means to you.

 No.246629

>>246627
It is very clear that he doesn’t want to get anywhere. It is simply where he feels he is expected to get, by society and more likely, by his family.

 No.246630

>>246629
he needs to give up on that and he would be where he wants to be.

 No.246640

>>246633
Yes they will.

 No.246642

>>246599
i have a office job now. honestly its very comfy but i don't make enough money. also it's not reliable i could lose it at any time and be fucked. currently leeching off my parents for housing/utilities but i want to move out. which is why im going back to college in some retarded attempt to make enough money to one day own a home in a rural area.

yeah the thing that worries me is doing all the work to get this degree. getting the better paying office job, and being more miserable. what's the point of making 50% more money if im working 300% harder.

the best thing i could do is probably find some kind of side gig / small business to make money instead of going to college. but i don't have any idea what that business would be.
>>246589
starting online college to get a degree soon.
>>246633
imagine coming to a wizchan crawl thread and complaining about autism.

 No.246643

>>246642
>online college
Good luck my dude

 No.246644

>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
I hate life
>I hate life
People are intensely selfish and evil monsters, God this world sucks.

 No.246671

>>246581
Great album.

 No.246672

>>246595
It's Renato. The same on OP pic.

 No.246674

i'm 2 tired 2 sleep.. how is this even a thing? wait until I pass out when I get like this. not awake enough to do anything but too tired to sleep.

 No.246678

Anyone else not interested in talking, discussing, learning new things or even thinking seriously about something at all? Not interested in reading, watching stuff or browsing the internet? It's all pointless and exhausting.

 No.246679


 No.246680

>>246678
I like to read and watch things as long as it goes smooth and without much effort. At the first sign of an obstacle I shut down. This is probably part of the reason why I stopped reading philosophy

 No.246684

>>246678
I spend more time lying in bed napping then I do on the internet now. Bed is honestly more comfortable and enjoyable than anything else

 No.246844

>>246584
Also, I feel like I'm a bad and "evil" person for having despised all the chances and opportunities I had.
I'm ungrateful, unworthy, abominable, scoundrel etc. I don't deserve to live, even if I wanted.

 No.246897

the world is a simulation of hell, normies represent demons.

 No.246904

>>246401
I have been invited to come to an interview as a dishwasher the day after submitting my CV. Not sure what the future has in store for me, feeling dread, fear and getting images in my mind of me as a 50 year old. Its like finally giving in and accepting my place as the lowest trash above only NEETs.

 No.246905

>>246904
You need to have a CV and an interview to do the fucking dishes these days?

 No.246912

>>246905
people go to pre trade school to get the chance at even getting a trade bonkers.
>>246904
> Its like finally giving in and accepting my place as the lowest trash above only NEETs.
how are you above a NEET because you soak dirty dishes in water and soap suds and then spray it off? even if you were a brain surgeon that does not make you above a NEET just because you are. you are too concerned with societies games and are playing the fiddle.

Why does working make you better than a NEET?

 No.246915

>>246912
I didn't mean I were actually better than them, I meant from society's eyes. If I had the opportunity I would gladly live a NEET hermit life away from the world.

 No.246920

>>246915
why even mention it at all if you dont think it is so and how is it relevant what norms think if you do not rely on them to feed you?
you get sick of NEETing in the end but it is probably better than working.

 No.246938

>>246905
This shit needs to be shoved in Boomer's faces to realized how ridiculous modern society is.

 No.246943

>>246905
lol no, I applied for a dishwasher job once and I got a email back after a couple days asking me to come in for a interview, didnt submit a resume or anything, but the interview is expected tbh, do you just expect to show up and start working when they never even met you before? there are probably some places that do that resume crap but most places will just hire anyone for such lowly jobs as long as they determine that youre not completely retarded in the 15min interview, people just like to cherrypick these kinda things to the worst possible

 No.246944

File: 1631503138460.jpg (602.82 KB, 1046x3230, 523:1615, 1613681931826.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

Life is so dull, I barely enjoy anything anymore.

Some days are better than others I guess, but while there are times when I find some enjoyment in doing an activity, it's just not enough.

I think life has its good parts, I'd never imply that there is literally nothing good in this world, nothing to enjoy, there definitely is, but while I do admit this, I do not believe these are good enough to justify the effort that living demands, not even close.

I might be leaving soon.

 No.246945

>>246944
>Most people get a fair amount of fun out of their lives, but on balance life is suffering, and only the very young or the very foolish imagine otherwise.

- George Orwell

You've gotta know when to exit, I guess.

 No.246946

>>246944
>Life is so dull
When you build up enough assumptions and make a framework so rigid it suffocates you, then yes, life is boring.

But if you take a moment to drop all assumptions, then maybe you'll find it interesting again.

Frankly it requires a retreat from the usual, if you're able to make such a retreat. Unfortunately some people's circumstances require them to stay static, and for that I'm sorry

 No.246947

I know it's over- it never really began…
oh mother i can feel the soil falling over my head

I just cannot figure out why everything has to be so hard I hate having mental problems. I hate being confused and convinced things are happening that dont. I hate having a personality disorder. what is the point when the only thing you can enjoy is crying and you cant even do that anymore

 No.246950

Adam Lanza's yt channel has been found, it's probably going to be taken down soon because fuckers are already spamming the comment section with algorithm trigger words. It's very interesting, mostly ramblings, but i can imagine him posting here.


https://www.youtube.com/user/CulturalPhilistine/videos

Here's a more well known audio tape you can match his voice to the main yt channel videos

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2eJV8JF2dY

 No.246951

>>246950
After listening to him he may have done what he did for the benefit of humanity in his mind. One thing about antinatalisim and associated philosophy is that if you do not value personal freedom above all you can argue it is best to just murder people. why else would he kill children? he does not seem like he wants to cause more harm to people.

 No.247022

>see friend number tick down by one on steam
not again… everyone I have on steam is from this website, why do they always do this, maybe they think I wont notice them disappear

 No.247024

>>247022
I couldn't imagine being friends with others from here. You guys obviously tried too hard to cross a certain boundary and understanding that anonymous communication is really the only thing possible.

 No.247042

I keep switching from loving my parents and being willing to sacrifice them for personal gain. One day I'd vow to not kill myself so I don't make my parent sad and to look for a job to support them. The next day, I'll get angry and ready to kill myself or other people in order to avoid working again. Is this BPD? Fuck me, let me be normal.

 No.247045

>>246950
Looks like Youtube already deleted the channel. What a joke.

 No.247048

>>247042
I'm quite similiar except I've given up on them and want to distance myself so I feel nothing.

 No.247067

>>246944

>I might be leaving soon.


That sentence hit hard.

 No.247069

>>246950
Where the fuck is the archive? Jesus fucking christ it's gone.

 No.247070

>>247069
Okay found it:

https://anonfiles.com/FfAau4Hbu3/YT_Archive_rar
https://drive.google.com/drive/u/1/folders/17vc_AGOQV8JMwApVU5WG1bnyhlqDqyWk

I did such a deep dive into Lanza earlier this year, everything from the full FBI report to SBB posts to god knows what else - I thought for sure nothing more would come out, the smashed HD was forever gone and that was that. Unbelievable find!

 No.247072

>>247042
They were good parents for you? Why would you be willing to kill them?

 No.247076

>>247072
I am not going to kill them but have you read the Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka? Your relationship to other people is determined by what you can provide for them. They are good to me now but there are family situation is putting everybody under a lot of stress. Once they realize I am not getting better and will continue to be burden, their attitude will change. Again I am not going to kill them but I might subject them to a worse fate - to live to feeble old age with guilt and poverty from their only son killing himself. It feels me with regret too but living is also painful to me so it's a choice between sacrificing myself for others or sacrificing others for myself.

 No.247077

>>247076
I wouldn't take fiction, let alone Kafka's, as gospel.

 No.247103

>>247042
I think that is normal

 No.247106

>ride a bike for 20+ miles every day delivering food
>come home
>trash and clothes everywhere
>whole house smells like mildew,weed and rat shit
>days old food in the kitchen and in my moms/sisters rooms
being at home with my family pisses me off 100x more than dealing with shit at work. i cant think about shit in the real world because it makes me so mad so i daydream 24/7 and uncontrollably talk to myself even in public my family has fucked my mental state so much its unreal and i dont know what to do at this point. i want to just buy a van or something and live in that.

 No.247107

>>247106
Ask them for some of that weed.

 No.247112

>>247106
Are you an Uberwiz ? I hate this job so much sometimes, feel too exposed

 No.247138

Anyone else absolutely despises young people? Not children, they are fine, but people from like 12-20 years old. I know it shouldn't bother me but anytime I see or hear them in groups I am physically disgusted and repulsed for no reason.

 No.247142

>>247138
not as an extreme reaction as yours but I do dislike them and it is of no fault of their own. Ever talked to the average zoomer?

 No.247147

Why is it so tiresome to talk with people? I get physically exhausted after having to interact with anyone. I had to talk to a doctor for an hour and then I came home and ate with some family while talking and it is all too much.

 No.247149


 No.247150

>>247149
it is not even like I am nervous or anxious or anything it just feels like I have hidden programs in my brain running that quickly use all my energy.

 No.247152

>>247138
Their enthusiasm, exuberance, and extroversion are all fucking annoying. Especially the last one. Normfucks at my job love to say hey yo what up man, always has the air like they are trying to make fun, even though they genuinely aren't, but it just seems like they are. And sometimes they actually are, and want to take a TikTok or some other gay shit. Their slang is also annoying as fuck. Fortunately since I don't really go out in public anymore I don't interest with zoomers except at work there are a few and online.

 No.247154

>>247147
>mental warp

 No.247155

Wish I could be some passionate intellectual wizard hyperfocusing on solving math problems or making music. I could shut out the world and just be obsessed with my hobby.

 No.247268

>>246401
Living with my aunt and her kids and never leave my room if I can help it but every single day if I see her she will go on and on about stuff in the panrty being out of order or some other bullshit I don't do. She leaves these passive aggressive notes on the kitchen bench detailing everything she is mad about like "who didn't put the ketchup away? who left crumbs on the ??" this all does my head in because I am rarely the one to blame and the house is kept very clean.

 No.247288

>>247147
Same here.

 No.247298

File: 1632044580920.jpg (284.63 KB, 1583x1027, 1583:1027, image.jpg) ImgOps iqdb

i was scrolling through safebooru and found a character called thunder from succubi frontline. it made me remember when i was in 6th grade i also had a mark in my neck and stitches, although mine were nowhere as pretty as thunder's. i initially tried hiding it but in a pe class it was seen and word spread. i remember being called to the principals office and were asked if i needed help. i just kept shaking my head and saying im fine. also i remembered the first time i thought about suicide. i was about 6. my grandmother was dragging me through a subway station, i thought about running away from her and throwing myself in front of the coming train. back then i thought suicide is no different than any other form of murder so if you kill yourself youll go to hell but also i had recently heard all children go to heaven and thought maybe i could cheat the system. i remembered also when i was about 6 i had a notebook and liked drawing naked succubi, dresses and female accessories. my mother reprimanded me and i stopped. i wish i had gone a little further and found boorus then. i liked going to the library and picking up highshool and undergraduate level books when i was about 8. i self taught calc 1 when i was 11. not that its impressive. i wish i had gotten into programming earlier than even then, i wish i had a computer like when i was 4. 3 or younger is too unrealistic. i used to participate in all sorts of student events and usually outperformed most other participants thinking it could help me one day be accepted into a top university. i thought i had something very nice and good inside me and i sought to bring it out but the tools werent there and bad things kept seeping into me as i gradually lost hope and realized i was fighting for something unattainable. i think our personalities develop when were from 0 to 12 years old by making decisions, by choosing how to react and deal with problems, authority etc. i think ive been in very weird circumstances, im "damaged goods", i think that twisted me, bent me, over and over, and made me think im something im not, or some sort of thing like that. i dont know, at least i could have grown up to be a bitter thief sociopath. on the outside im still a boring quiet polite good egg door mat and a bit proud of it. sometimes i say i wish i had a normal life and get backlash for wanting to be a normalfaggot but i guess being normal means different things for different people. i like lurking imageboards and reading people talk aout their daily lives, its sour seeing things just come to some people and they dont have to lift a finger, i tried struggling and looking for a way out and yeah. some people would have you believe what really matters is something inside you, like good will or intuition or something of the sort, its absolutely not, if it were i wouldnt be here. there are practical things that get in the way and they can be bigger i think. i dont feel like im missing out on much, youre missing out on me. i could have made really amazing things with computers. it doesnt hurt me because i want things for myself, i wish i could show things only i can see to others. live to give. make others happy. before i picked up programming i thought i had seen everything and im old, now i think i havent even been born yet. before programming i used to think im weird and complex but now i think ive never started developing my own personality, and mentally im a kid still. i used to think determinism is inescapable but now i believe in some form of free will. ive become very addicted to reading, ive always liked reading and thought of the internet as a treasure chest of information but now much more so. it makes me believe in magic even. a magician is someone who can see the world differently who can do cool things like read grimoires with weird symbols and write scrolls with other weird symbols that accomplish useful tasks or in other words impact collective reality with their private minds. and thats what a programmer does really. there ahre people who will say its boring and a bad job but youre not using your head or thinking outside the box or you dont have passion or youre not programming things you really want. my mind really flies. i wish i had a second chance, i wish i were born in normal circumstances, i wish i had a computer earlier. i cant do it like this, its impossible, i think everything starts by believing its possible and imagining a way but i cant imagine a way out of here or believe i can do this, even though im very very proud of my belief and imagination. creativity or capacity for abstraction or whatever you call it its priceless. i think i have it like no one else but its been useless. theres that saying about the frog in the well. i want very much to get out but everything tells me i cant or shouldnt. ive spent the last half decade crying on bed almost every day wishing i could start over. i think if i could start over id spend every second of my free time learning maths, cs, and infosec, maybe a few other things later on, like genetics and anatomy and so on, but mostly programming a lot. i think its fair to find cryptocurrencies at the same time i found them in this life, but i wish i could have bought them then. normal people growing up have things like videogames and they buy a lot of clothes and they have cool stickers and i wonder where all that money comes from if they go to school and dont work. ive never had these things growing up. if i had money id have bought stocks and crypto and not spend it on anything else. everytime i used to save money my mother used to take it from me and at one point i gave up and began spending every money i had because its better to use it than to lose it. id do anything to get into a top uni like stanford, the eth or an ivy league. maybe a double degree in maths and cs and a ms in cryptography. id have spent all my free time when i was in school learning foundational maths like category theory, programming languages, opearting systems etc. cryptography is by far the most interesting thing in the world to me. then ai and physics. id never watch one anime or movie in my life, id never play one videogame, id never waste a second of my time doing anything else other than learning and working on projects and id think im just doing what im supposed to do. there are infinite things waiting to be made. so many exploits waiting to be found.

 No.247299

File: 1632044597872.png (14.79 MB, 2508x3889, 2508:3889, b28c29498d642a5778540e376b….png) ImgOps iqdb

i cant do it like this. i have a lot of sicknesses, im very ugly and poor, im not in school anymore, and even when i was i was cutting myself and getting hospitalized to make my stepfather stop hitting my mother and that sort of thing. every day was different, something happened every day, it was all confusing, and things happened faster than i could process. i dont know, i had no idea what to do, i didnt know how i supposed to deal with all that, i chose very bad forms of dealing with pressure, anxiety, fear, rejection and so on. entirely my fault. i remember one time in 4th grade when there was a conversation in a group and i tried to jump in and said something about how my mother used to choke me and beat my head with a pan and everyone was very freaked out and i realized i said something very stupid and ran from the classroom crying and hid in the bathroom, i thought i said something normal and was being normal and trying to make friends. im really retarded socially, to this day i havent learned how to talk with people, i always embarrass myself, its really mesmerizing watching conversations on discord irc etc and it seems everyone talks so naturally and they dont have to think twice about what they say and theyre accepted. at some point i must have started telling myself lies on a daily basis to run away and soon enough couldnt tell apart my lies apart from reality. also forcing myself to be someone im not, telling myself im just a faggot and i need more discipline, and grappling with myself, shoveling more and more inside. and always very frantic and agitated when i like calm and focus. i dont know what if you were like quiet and very introspective but could there be enough things and people trying to drag you out of your world and make you one of them. could you resist everything. i shouldnt have given in right. and abysmal confidence and self-esteem issues, like it disturbs you when you see yourself in a mirror or when you write your own name. im very unused to saying what i really think and hide behind many layers of masks. i dont know myself. im afraid of myself. i dont know i just wish i could start over, if im not what i think i am then i wish i were, i wish i were a good person no matter what that is, i wish i could provide for others. theres nothing better than making something only you can do and making someone happy by doing so. like ive said we make decisions growing up, and i think you can just choose to do what is right, or choose to be the best. some people would have you believe talent is innate, and that some people just "get it", i think talent too is in part choice, i.e. when you become interested in something, and let that take you over, and you choose to do or become whatever it takes to get as good as physically possible at something. but also do you know like when youre playing an eroge, and youre waiting for a choice moment, but it wont come, and you get locked to a route you didnt want, and wonder what did you do wrong. i dont know. i think theres no replacement for a stable childhood where you get to develop a skill of your choice. im not used to thinking my opinion matters or that they could be right but in my own view i havent had a childhood. i could just forget all this and give myself a last chance but i dont want to forget what happened. i dont want to move forwards, and theres nothing else i can do anyways. i cant "make it". im finished. i wish i had had a chance. maybe i had and just failed, then i wish i were different, i dont like being myself. they will say you shouldnt care about others but i dont think thats nice. i think its over when you stop caring. it would be very easy and convenient and then i could do absolutely anything i want right. but im very afraid. what if i cant do it. i dont know. i feel that click and that i see much more clearly now, but its just too late and unrealistic. change comes from within but it would be useless now more than ever. maybe i shouldnt, maybe im not supposed to, its really not for me, and it would be wrong or i could break something if i did it. like someone like me isnt supposed to try it even if i could do it. i dont know. i just wanted to say i was right here and i think i existed, or could have existed, but i guess that goes for everyone else too, and they wont complain about it, i dont know. but in practice im just garbage. im the npc, im the unimportant nobody with no thoughts or feelings or anything that just exists in a meme culture, the biggest normalfaggot on earth and im not even a boomer. basement internet trolls, african children who play in the mud, and real retards like with downs syndrome are all better people than me. i messed everything up. im a pea brain. pea brain.

 No.247355

Fucking normalniggers are throwing a party in the apartment above me. The booming bass lines of shitty rap music are rumbling throughout my room, an inexorable reminder of a party that I wasn’t invited to. Looking view the peephole I see drunk succubi and chadlites making their way to the stairs to have the time of their young lives. Meanwhile I just sit on the sidelines and watch. How dare they do this kind of shit in MY crib without inviting me. I hope they all get STDs and OD

 No.247357


 No.247359

>>247355
I guess you could say that you're feeling a bit crabby after the experience

 No.247361

>>247355
Wrong tab, buddy, this ain't 4chad.

 No.247364

I'm lying in bed almost all day (like Renato Ruiz in this photo).


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