Following a series of bad decisions and consequently a myriad of losses, and perpetual rejection from peers, excluding delusive contentment my existence can no longer be justified. The vast majority of the problems I face are circular, and likely the result of innate negative characteristics, but as can be deduced from the title, I'm typing this with minimal expectations.
I suspect that I likely suffer from OCD, internet-induced ADHD, or at the very least impaired WMI, apophenia, anxiety, and an abnormal gait which results in people's perception of me being affected negatively. I tend to experience depersonalization fairly often, and in retrospect, I've verily experienced life more so as an observer than a veritable participant. I've faced rejection since kindergarten, and I haven't been able to perpetuate a friendship for longer than two years, both online and in real life. Prior to adolescence, I spent most of the time friendless, followed only by a short period of time during which someone would show interest in me, and I've spent the entirety of my adolescence in relative isolation (no contact with anyone irl excluding a few family members I live with). The relationship I had with my best friend from kindergarten ended when his mother forbade him to converse with me, and the same happened in elementary school, and later on in middle school, albeit the reasons differed. During school, I was generally the person who sat alone, and during trips, I was generally the person who had to have a friend appointed by the teacher. Persons of the opposite sex did surprisingly show an evanescent interest in me, but it would evaporate as soon as they'd notice my lack of confidence, social skills, and some other ailments. As an example, during fourth grade, my classmate's cousin was visiting and was allowed to attend our classes. She asked me for my skype, and after a few months of messaging, she expressed that she possesses feelings for me, only to stop replying after I failed to reciprocate. In seventh grade, a friend of mine told me that our classmate has a crush on me, and suggested that I ask her out after school. The best I could do was ask her over Facebook, and after the initial conversation, I didn't even message her as I failed to see any mutual interests. She decided to end the "relationship" after two weeks, and two days later decided to invite me to meet with her and her friends. In retrospect, I've failed to pick up on any cues, and due to my lack of confidence and fear of intimacy, I didn't behave normally either. During that night she expressed that she would still like to maintain a relationship, but I never acted upon it, and a few weeks after she decided to date someone else. I wasn't negatively affected by it since I had no interest in her, to begin with, but I can now observe that I've failed to pick up on the most basic cues. That same year I started experiencing severe anxiety attacks in school, and bullying not only from peers but also from teachers. The psychologist did absolutely nothing to help either, and instead only told me that I'm likely depressed, and that it's merely a phase.
I'm now in my late adolescence, and I have little to no desire for sexual intimacy, but I do possess a desire for emotional intimacy, regardless of whether it is achieved through a platonic or a non-platonic relationship, however, due to the prolonged isolation I've experienced, and consequently the seclusion from my peers, my social skills are atrocious. I believe that I've also regressed mentally due to not interacting with my peers. Following anxiety attacks in middle school, I haven't attended classes in high school except for when I needed to take exams, but it was enough to pass the first two grades with relatively good grades. In third grade, I experienced drastic social defeat which caused me to feel inferior intellectually, and consequently, I stopped studying and attending exams. I now have to pass two grades in one year just not to fall behind two years. In addition to that, my close family is dysfunctional. Both my father and my mother have been ostracized. My father lives by himself someplace I'm not aware of, and my mother is severely ill, and in and out of mental hospitals every two years. Generally, that is the pattern I've observed thus far, although my recollection of events prior to the age of 11 is very shallow, probably due to my tendency to repress negative events. She has had very similar experiences to me in regards to people, although even she was in a better position than me at my age, considering that she finished high school 2 years early, and that she studied philosophy. Such comparisons scare me after I observe her current situation in life. Most of the other family I have is quite successful but very opportunistic, and thus we are not in contact. I've overheard my uncle stating to my parent that he wants nothing to do with me, and all because I've stopped studying and attending school. I have a sibling, but we haven't spoken in years. Sometimes I despise my mother for giving birth to me knowing that I'll likely inherit the myriad of maladies she possesed, and that I now, totally surprisingly, possess as well. I feel perpetually judged by the people in my current city, and due to my previous experiences with bullying, I also feel crippling inferiority compared to most of my peers. I would, however, like to point out that the sole reason they've been able to bully me isn't because of some superiority in relation to me, but precisely because of moral inferiority. I feel shame whenever I do anything resulting in self-improvement, and this paired with my OCD keeps me in a looped state. My thoughts barely feel like they're my own, they're merely perpetually spammed into my brain, and I have a minimal choice over the matter. Like most people here, I won't be able to find any comfort in fulfilling my primary biological purpose, i.e. reproduction. I'm not an anti-natalist, as you might've deduced, and I think it's rife with illogicality; the illogicality I observe in it isn't addressed in David Benatar's Better Never to Have Been, but that is merely tangential. The reason behind my choice not to reproduce is the belief that doing so would be dysgenic, and thus it is the unequivocally more painful reason since it stems from the belief that one's own existence is dysgenic, and that one does not deserve life. While I generally do not oppose giving birth to beings who will suffer for the amelioration of society, as I believe that is not avoidable, and that only through rapid progression can we minimize, and perhaps nullify, the amount of suffering, I do believe that it's immoral to reproduce under certain conditions.
I'm thus typing this as a last resort, a shallow cry for help, and seeking advice from whoever was in a similar position. Perhaps one might falsely perceive this as ironic due to where I'm seeking advice, but I'd disagree; it doesn't seem unlikely that a lot of neurodivergent people on this imageboard successfully managed to imitate neurotypical behavior, and thus successfully managed to assimilate. Please do keep in mind that I'm now legally an adult, my father is absent, and my mother is not only ill and unable to support a NEET, but I'd likely have to support her financially. Thus, my primary concerns revolve around my current lack of profitable skills, current lack of social skills, and dire thought patterns. I feel ashamed knowing that I'm studying 11th-grade mathematics when my peers are attending universities this year, and the same applies to programming. I don't feel worthy due to my lack of skills at my current age. I don't feel like my existence is justified, I perceive myself as a "useless eater." At other times I believe that I'm not competitive at all, and that I confuse it with the desire to hurt neurotypical people out of envy. If this is verily the case, then all of my efforts would be futile considering there are much more efficient methods to achieve the same result. Ultimately, all one needs is a gun to be in a position of power over the other. All their apparent superiority evaporates at that exact moment. Part of me wishes that I could inflict pain upon them, even if short-lived, just so that they can sparsely feel the emotions I've experienced throughout my adolescence, but I'd rather not hurt anyone in such a manner, so please do not take this last part as a threat. I don't even own a gun.
>>262985>likely the result of innate negative characteristics>I suspect that I likely suffer from OCD>internet-induced ADHD>or at the very least impaired WMI, >apophenia, >anxiety, and >an abnormal gaitexperience depersonalization>I'm likely depressed>my OCDul>filling my primary biological purpose>not to reproduce is the belief that doing so would be dysgenic>neurodivergent people>imitate neurotypical behavior>hurt neurotypical people>The psychologist did absolutely nothing to help either
Mind broken by psychology snake oil, which is not even a real science but instead a collection of buzzwords. My advice for you is to find a hobby to preoccupy your time instead of spending it in your head making up imaginary issues consisting of buzzwords from normalniggers who created them to garner fame and fortune, these people are not your friend, nor is their goal to help you in any fashion.
Go get a manual labour job, hard work clears the mind like nothing else, be honest with people and tell them you lack social skills and are awkward. Plenty of weird fucks in manual labour because its full of retards and social outcasts, especially landscaping and the like. You'll fit right in.
Also stop thinking about revenge on others who "wronged you". No one actually cares about you in the slightest, you are a fleeting thought in their day that passes by without notice, treat them with the same respect and realize that caring about others who don't care about you is stupid.
Honestly you seem like a retard who will forever be stuck in his own head forever, no one ever takes advice from others because no one understands people better than themselves anyways. I understand your post is just there to communicate what you feel, which I guess is also what I've returned to you.
Just don't be an idiot and take the pills they are going to (or already have) offer you -> "Imagine a society that subjects people to conditions that make them terribly unhappy then gives them the drugs to take away their unhappiness. Science fiction It is already happening to some extent in our own society. Instead of removing the conditions that make people depressed modern society gives them antidepressant drugs. In effect antidepressants are a means of modifying an individual's internal state in such a way as to enable him to tolerate social conditions that he would otherwise find intolerable.”"
― Theodore Kaczynski
I can teach OP and everyone,how to get disabilitybux.
I got disabilitybux myself.
Im in a similar position to you OP. I had extremely bad OCD for 2 year. I could barely function and had dropped out of school prior because I could not enjoy being forced to sit in the toilet at lunch time. I was socially inept most of the time and luckily was sent to a school filled with autists so I was able to have some friends. But for an entire two years I was isolated and attended online classes where I mostly muted them and constantly browsed 4chan looking for topics that made me extremely suicidal and feel physical discomfort, it got so bad that for one day I could only think of death and the stress was so overwhelming that I could not sleep at all. There was nothing that I could gain a semblance of joy out of. Everyday I would wake up disappointed that I had not faded to non-existence, and had to endure the thoughts of my own mind.
OP I think you have a twisted perspective of the world, to call someone as well articulated as yourself 'dysgenic', in fact its the opposite you would be considered eugenic 100 years ago. I think you are too harsh on yourself and are blaming yourself for being socially inept rather then your own genetics that predispose your ability to integrate in social situations. Speaking as a person who has interacted with normalfags, I can assure you that they are incredibly vapid, and that they would usually talk about sex, drugs, drama and the latest films they have consumed. I have met actual autists like myself at university, so it is possible to find companionship with other socially inept people. But anyway your world view is incredibly shallow, it's based off your own preconceived notions of the world as some happy go lucky place from the media. Human nature is sick, disgusting and cruel at times. Suffering is inextricably bound to human existence, everyone around you is suffering, even the degenerate normalfags. Hell white succubi have the highest SSRI rates, they are suffering the consequences of their overly hedonistic degenerate lifestyle.
Your feelings of "inferiority" is just the pain of social rejection, honestly you don't seem so far gone that you could potentially reintegrate back into society, you are obviously good looking enough for succubi to feel attracted to you.
Who cares if your behind in school, ask yourself is university really what you want to do? Do not give a single shit about other peoples opinion, why would you care about some faggy relative who only see's people as their status and education? You suffered more then your peers and your still persisting through it, give yourself a break. What I did to get me out of my OCD was take SSRI's>>262990
and don't listen to this poster because OCD isn't a meme mental illness and can last for 10 years if you don't take anti-depressants. If I didn't take them I wouldn't be able to enjoy some of the small joys I experience in life. Although he is right about the manual labour job, hard work can help alleviate those symptoms.
Also your biological purpose is the will to life, it is just the brains algorithm to compel you to breed and to propagate you to bring more and more suffering into the world. Im not even an anti-natalist, since I do not care about other people suffering that much since its inevitable. But seriously if your worrying about your biological imperative that much you can either; fulfill it by paying a whore, or just do what I did and masturbate a lot so you dont really feel it. It also probably helps that I never had good experience with succubi so and that I despise them.
Your post is too long so I will just touch upon a few points.
>my mother is severely ill, and in and out of mental hospitals every two years
>She has had very similar experiences to me in regards to people, although even she was in a better position than me at my age, considering that she finished high school 2 years early, and that she studied philosophy.
You got one cool wizmom.
On earning money and wageslaving I can't give you any advice. Same for studying. I stopped bothering with things after high school and live in the basement of my parents. That sucks op, but you will have to figure that out for yourself, we don't know you or what sort of job you could endure, if any at all. I'd advise you not to worry too much about financial things. You either make it or don't.
One thing I know for sure is that you shouldn't hate yourself so much. You seem like an intelligent young man. Certainly more intelligent than most people out there. If you want to hate someone then hate normals, they are your enemies, not yourself. Accept yourself for what you really are. You don't need anyone in life, friends and romantic relationships are overrated shit you see idealized in Hollywood movies and anime. Isolate yourself from others as much as you can and enjoy yourself in solitude. Don't go to psychiatrists and certainly don't get addicted to meds and pills of any kind. They don't solve any of your actual problems, they just dull the pain for a while. Take care of your Witch Mom, she is kind of wizardly. Life is hard and complicated, it isn't worth it to hate yourself since you are your own best friend. Embrace yourself and don't get too worked up about shit. Do your best, the rest is outside your control.