I've been honestly trying to cut back on alcohol use, it's just gotten out of control and outright impractical. not really fun anymore (like most things)
finding I can't sleep without a few chugs of vodka. like, 6-8 ounces in an hour.
I've got melatonin and even benzos, but they're not enough by themselves.
Having roommates is hell. Never fucking again.
walk 15ft outside to dispose your disgusting diarrhea to appease your roommate, or move out and have to find a new place and move all your furniture again.
very tough choice wow I'm really sorry youre struggling so much
Sorry to hear anon. It's very difficult to find and form quality connections with people online because there's not usually a lot bonding you together there. It's very low stakes and easy to enter into, which means just the same it's easy to exit out of. As evidenced in you having 150 discord friends there. Who are all these people? Why /would/ they care about you have to see where you've been? You'd never have '150' friends irl for these reasons.>>265072
Uh, probably many/most people here?? Voyeurism. We love to watch from afar, see how the other half lives. Gain insights into things we don't understand and couldn't dream of. Yes it's a bit creepy, whatever that means: people are creepy. "Looking at things you shouldn't be looking at" is a commonly shared trait amongst humans, not sure why I need to explain this like an autist, and the more 'personal' something is the more 'power' it contains.>>265124
Yep. Moved into a shitty single room apartment. Now I am free to live in my own filth (until inspection day…)
I'd rather this then having to share a 'nice' place with other people.
Well my sodium nitrite poison is coming early today it seems. Sometimes I get these feelings like maybe I could make things work and stick it out but I am mentally ill. Psychotic episodes, bridge burning and self destructive behavior, etc etc. The total onslaught of 24/7 negativity and despair by my own mind has taught me not to be foolish. Best case scenario I will sit at the same computer screen, consume the same garbage, blankly stare out the same eyes. Even if I got a succubus or a dog, a motorcycle or whatever, what difference does it make? I know I won’t and don’t care to be some big shot or an artist or a writer or a socialite. I just don’t care. I never have. I know the thoughts of “well hurr maybe I could do this aaand idk… it won’t be so bad??” are hollow and reactionary. It’s all just a little fleeting flittering flutter of a daydream. I hate day dreaming, its pathetic on so many levels. I used to like myself, all said and done, but lately my own worthlessness has been coming on strong. I genuinely don’t like myself, I’m a bad person, I have a lot of problems, it’s all a waste. I’ll probably ingest the poison sometime soon. Likely on a rainy week night. I often have the thought, “this could be my last day. That’d be fine. Why not?”. That’s how it’ll be, I’ll go out with a silent whisper, leave a note to say I don’t want any sort of funeral or ceremony, nobody to speak lies for a day to try to put a positive spin on the dredging slog that consciousness has been for me. In my note I’ll say that I want as few people to know I’m gone as possible. To lie to anyone who asks about me, to not tell the family, etc. I want to vanish, like I was never here. That’d be best. Oh well. Bye for now
Another thing I kind of glossed over is being an enemy to my own mind. I constantly think and fixate, often on sad and hurtful things. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I hang my failings over my head, remind myself of what could have been, think about “what it”, torture myself with old memories. I can’t take that anymore. Just all the time, my own mind batters my spirit and I can’t escape it. I can’t relax or have simple moments to myself, I’ll shoot my foot with some bad thought and sour the occasion. I’m not sure how I became so grandiose, wanting perfection, so idealistic, etc. Its a pathetic mental illness to have. Maybe evolutionarily speaking it would have spurred me on, pushed me to achieve in some other time, but I despise the world. I hate other people, society, myself. I don’t even like my own family. Any friends Ive had were only ever convenience or a thin facade, a lie to try to fit in and look normal. I just want to be gone. Free of all this, of my life, the world, myself. My own mind is the worst of it though. It’s so negative and overbearing and stressful (even if I have nothing to be stressed out about, I’ll think of something). This has attributed to my self hatred a lot. I can’t be normal, I’ll never be. And I know I’ll have some psychotic break/episode again, it’ll probably get worse as I age too. Another thing is that I have social skills, am decent looking, etc, and I still can’t do it. I wish I could die and write some wizard into my will to take what good qualities I do have, what some of you wish you could have, because they’re a waste on me. Too many mistakes, too much waste, too much I can’t take thinking about anymore but just can’t stop thinking about. I want out so bad. The couple hour lull away from myself every day, where it fades into the background or I’m distracted aren’t enough. I’ll never be happy, I’ve never been, it’ll only get worse. “Happiness” is just a fix, a hit of a drug, a second’s respite for me. Not a real thing, something that I’ll have or feel. Just some sick lie that makes the hamster in my brain keep running. Soon it’ll run out completely, and that thought it “this could be my last day” will be all that is left
I relate to what you've said. Had I a fool proof way of kms, like a gun, i would have probably done it already. And the thing is, it is not really the me that is the problem, not entirely at least. It is the whole physical reality and the human nature as a whole. This rat race has no purpose outside pleasure, which is not really pleasurable in the long run. Everything is pleasure, even spiritual stuff, and yet pleasure is actually pain in disguise. There is no escape from this reality, from this false duality. Even if I was a successful norman with good life, it would still be a pleasure chasing existence, i'd still be a slave to nature, I would still suffer, but would be blind to the nature of it.
Right now it is indeed a purposeless slog. I am not sure of what to do.
If you spent 1/10 of the effort and time you put into writing these texts into experiencing with things and trying to find something you enjoy then you would be more stable mentally, don't you think? Don't feel pity for yourself, it's a waste of time and energy. Be harsh on yourself without getting overly sentimental. And don't have ridiculous expectations of yourself and of the world. Because you will be disappointed all the time.>>265141>Had I a fool proof way of kms, like a gun, i would have probably done it already
This cope still around? God.>This rat race has no purpose outside pleasure, which is not really pleasurable in the long run.>pleasure is actually pain in disguise
Good eye. So pursue suffering for yourself and inflict suffering on others. It is fun.
What would make you happy? If God appeared before you and told you there was some epic higher purpose to your life? Or if someone else gave your life meaning? It's been said many times here, you can give your life meaning the best because you know yourself, hopefully.
It feels like you and many others here decided NOT to be happy at any cost. Well, being miserable and feeling pity for yourself is a journey of its own kind, I travelled along that road too before I got bored of it. Have fun.
Yeah I used to be really into that stuff, reading everything about everything. It's all useless, a borderline lie, sad coping. God isn't real and if it is it doesn't care about my or humanity in general's stupidity. Sometimes I daydream about dying and entering my own dreamscape, making things how I think I'd like them with full access to my brain. Everything I've sensed, read, stored in my brain or felt. It'd still be pointless? I could have a big castle, endless food, place myself into lives of my choosing, be anyone I wanted. Maybe just fly around and LARP as superman or something. It'd still end up making me sick. Even if I could trick myself from some god-like form into thinking 'I did it on my own' or some such, it wouldn't matter. None of it does. I don't understand why I'm alive, I don't care how, and I don't want to go on on and on day in and day out pretending there is some value in 'memories' or 'living a full life' etc. to just die the same. I'd rather just get it over with and go lights out. Well I will soon enough. I thought once I had the poison in my hands I might have a turn of heart, that the option would be enough comfort in and of itself, but not really. I hate those little turns of heart, the second long moments where some chemical makes me feel/think 'it's not SO bad', but it really is. I know better than to latch on to such things at this point. I still want to drink it down, lower myself into bed one last time, and drift off with a faint little smile. Then all of this will be gone, nothing to remember, nothing to despair over or beat myself up with. Truth be told I'm a little excited.
>>265146>you should try to find something you enjoy don't you think?
…>decided NOT to be happy
I don't think to 'be' happy or 'be' unhappy is something people really 'decide' on personally>So pursue suffering for yourself and inflict suffering on others. It is fun.
>>265146> If God appeared before you and told you there was some epic higher purpose to your life?
Not that anon but if God appeared to me I would use those precious seconds to try to put God six feet under. The bastard rarely takes physical form so you almost never have a chance to kill him
I like your attitude
Wow this is exactly how I feel. I vividly remember being a kid and always wanting to be an entertainer or artist but my parents never cared or even asked they always just forced me to do things. By the time I was 16 my mom was yelling at me to get a minimum wage job because she was tired of paying for things and let me know that I had no chance at anything else. Now she complains constantly about how much she hates her life and her job and so do I and it makes me wonder what sort of psychopathic would want their kids to endure the same or worse that they went through. I’ll never understand the world we live
what am I looking at?
Calm down, Matthew.
Woke up and had to go somewhere during the period where school children are walking to school, I hadn’t seen it in a few years. All I could think going past hundreds of kids is how much I should never have existed. These kids are happy, they probably have goals and wants, they have some connection to the world. I was a neurotic and depressed mess from a young age, barely being shaped in to a human being. I wanted to kill myself when I was 12 and it’s been 2 decades since; I was in a consciousness that never was part of this world.
>>265164>more successful than you
oh youre one of those types of "wizards"
The mysterious group known as Wizards That Succeed (At Fucking).
Same - I hate accidentally going outside when teenagers are coming home from school, I have to tactically cross the street and maneuver myself to stay as far away as possible because I don't want to be ridiculed, seeing happy young people (especially laughing) taps straight into my inferiority complex and makes me want to die.
Really? I always feel the opposite. Stupid fucking kids have to spend years in school being little slaves while I did my time and am now a free man. I hated school as a kid and assumed most kids do, I feel nothing but contempt for those kids as they have to slog through school for another 4-10 years at least.
Man with a capital M cannot lose illusion, only tangle!
This is very deep. Ever tried surviving shelling or an air raid?
Forgetting what I'm saying/thinking WHILE doing it is a daily occurrence for me, it has been since I was 13 years old or so. Interestingly enough I was just fine up until that age, maybe I just received brain damage at some point or whatever
thank you for using the expression "did my time" when referring to school, because that's exactly what it is, a fucking prison, if you live in a shitty area it can be nearly just as violent too
>Parents having friends over for dinner
>Leave so i don't bring the mood down or embarrass them
>Long night walk in other town over
>Walk past family on playground
>Dad chases after me and accuses me of asking his daughter "why are you here?"
>Loose it after being on edge for months now
>"Don't get hostile with me"
> realise i'm just making my self look worse but i don't stop sperging
>He "allows" me to leave and tells me not to come back
>Tell him to fuck off
>Get macdonalds for dinner
>Can here Mczoomers ragging on me through drive through window
>It taste like utter shit
Probably the worst Saturday i've had a in a while. Wish i could truly go hikki/neet again because i'm so fucking tired of having to be around people.
>>265150>I don't think to 'be' happy or 'be' unhappy is something people really 'decide' on personally
How you think and how your mind filters the world has a great impact on your emotional and mental well-being. Being happy is a decision because you can be the richest man on Earth and have everything but still be unhappy because of unrealistic expectations. "Why am I only king of the world, I want to be god, life sucks man…">>265155
Have you ever thought that maybe you should hit people who believe in God? God is just a concept after all. You can fight God by fighting his followers on Earth. Go bully christians, I love to do that.>>265190
This existence is but one big illusion so I guess you are right.
A quick calculation. With 12 years of school, each year consisting of 180 school days, with school taking roughly 10 hours out of the day each school day, means that I spent more or less 21600 hours in school doing nothing but admiring the beautiful, smelly bright yellow walls.
For comparison, I started learning Japanese last year and spent roughly 600 hours for that purpose, including the time spent "immersing", watching anime to better my listening comprehension, reading novels and manga, and so on. I can currently do any of those without any effort and understand 99% of everything. Instead of slogging through all those schools filled with crackhead students and teachers, I could have learnt 36 fucking languages instead, at a carefree pace. Well, my brain wouldn't be able to retain all that though.
lad, can you imagine if school was mostly self-directed and people could explore their own interests. how many of us would have learned great things? or been better for it? i feel like i could have been so much better if i was encouraged more and had very light guidance by smart people on worthwhile topics to study. the sense of accomplishment you would have picking your own subjects to learn would be immense. you would learn so much faster than trying to force people to learn shit they hate. we would all become specialists in our own domains.
The problem with school is that it's a glorified daycare. Most parents just want to their kid to be someone else's problem while they do their shitty wageslave job or whatever.
School could be much shorter. 12 years is a long time and 90% of the shit you don't really need. Teach kids how to read, write, do maths up to a certain level, some basic science shit and that's it. Most people don't need to know what a covalent bond is or how to do calculus.
I think public school should be like 4 years and then parents either get their kid into some specialized private school or the kid can self-direct and study at home and prepare himself for some specialized degree when he's ready for college. Like if I want to be a software dev, maybe I don't need to learn 4 years of useless chemistry shit.
most kids would just become low class peasants if they were set on their own, I never wanted to be anything, I would've just sat at home playing video games if I was let off of school after just 4 years
Most of them already do. Either you have some internal drive to learn on your own or you have educated parents that are pushing you and giving you positive reinforcement. Everyone else is just wasting their time sleeping in class and entertaining themselves by bullying the other kids that have no choice but to spend their childhood in prison.
I read schizoid forums and they all talk about Jobs, friends, and having hobbies. I'm starting to wonder if Schizoid Personality disorder is not what I have or if the term is self-diagnosed to the point of uselessness.
Thats called normalfag
My mom is worried about my internet usage.
She asked me this morning how I felt yesterday, because I've spent every weekend for about 3 years glued to my computer.
I just told her I felt "fine", because lying is easier, talking doesn't help, and because wasting time online is the only thing that makes me feel just about anything other than boredom or anger.
Were you socially active before? My mother used to cope by saying I was studying on the computer, but now that I'm a NEET I'm not sure what's she is saying to herself LOL
I've never been socially active.
Apart from my family, I don't know anyone apart from people at my job.
I think the difference is that I'm now 28, and clearly depressed.
I'm no longer 16 and cutting myself.
A depressed 28 year old man is an uglier, more undeniable thing. So, now she's worried about my computer usage.
I just want to die
Oh boy, popped what I thought was a spider bite on my forearm and now it is swollen bigger and I will probably have to have urgent care check it out. Love this RNG fuckin bullshit.
its just another thing to pile on top of shit I deal with