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 No.264870[Last 50 Posts]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.


When the depression lifts and you can feel more self control, but then give in to your urges anyway after days of a normal OK mood. No excuses at that point.


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i didnt have a childhood. i wish i had a childhood. i wish i were free. i wish i could have been myself. i wish i had lived my life. i want to be free. i feel like a soul without a body. please, please, if theres a god, please let me try again. i think i had a purpose. i love mathematics, i love learning, i love thinking, i wanted to make things, i think i could have been truly free, and i could have provided for others, thats all. i wanted to be the monster i am, and study like no one else ever did, and make so many things, thats all. i dont know how to describe this, its like i dont exist, but i do. why was i born then? am i just an accident? but i can see things and do things no one else can? i dont know, i dont know. all that matters to me is studying a lot and writing and making useful things. but my life is completely destroyed, it was completely destroyed from day one. all i can do is implore the heavens for another chance after i die, i have to beg the heavens to reincarnate, because theres nothing in this life, never was. i dont know, i want to shout, i want to say how i feel and what i think, but im not good at words and this is the best i can do. i wish i had another chance, i wish i could start over, i wish i could have lived my life, i wish i were myself, i wish i were free, thats all. i wanted to live my life and be myself, i really love learning and i think i can make very nice things, thats all. im sorry for posting, im an eyesore, i know i dont have the right to say something.


knowledge itself, is sin cut this ego crap already


Hello :)


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>i didnt have a childhood. i wish i had a childhood. i wish i were free. i wish i could have been myself. i wish i had lived my life. i want to be free. i feel like a soul without a body. please, please, if theres a god, please let me try again. i think i had a purpose. i love mathematics, i love learning, i love thinking, i wanted to make things, i think i could have been truly free, and i could have provided for others, thats all. i wanted to be the monster i am, and study like no one else ever did, and make so many things, thats all. i dont know how to describe this, its like i dont exist, but i do. why was i born then? am i just an accident? but i can see things and do things no one else can? i dont know, i dont know. all that matters to me is studying a lot and writing and making useful things. but my life is completely destroyed, it was completely destroyed from day one. all i can do is implore the heavens for another chance after i die, i have to beg the heavens to reincarnate, because theres nothing in this life, never was. i dont know, i want to shout, i want to say how i feel and what i think, but im not good at words and this is the best i can do. i wish i had another chance, i wish i could start over, i wish i could have lived my life, i wish i were myself, i wish i were free, thats all. i wanted to live my life and be myself, i really love learning and i think i can make very nice things, thats all. im sorry for posting, im an eyesore, i know i dont have the right to say something.



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I'm so miserable but paralyzed and unable to take any action



Start with small steps that give you small wins to get back on your feet.

Every single day get at least one small win.


I was born in a poor country with no diverse job market.
You can't be a scientist here, you can't be an artist or do something actually interesting.

It's all trades jobs, making deliveries and le CS shit and none of this i care about. I always wanted to be a scientist but lab jobs either don't exist or pay 200$ a month.

Now I'm in a field where there's demand but too much competition and studying. I never cared for it but was essentially forced to by my parents. Now they're mad at me for no longer being able to push through when in fact i NEVER actually signed up for this…

Fuck this "life" i never even had a chance to have a decent one.


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I just spent 2 hours arguing with an anon on a different chan. By the end, I really had no idea why I was continuing. I wasn't even sure what exactly I was arguing in favor of. There's just nothing to do. I have nothing. No interests, no hobbies.

How do I destroy time? How do I exist as a sublimated consciousness for longer? I can't live with this knowledge of being. The whole of me can't live here. I'm too big for the universe. I need to shrink until the cage fits me. AhhhhhhHHH!!!


I remember being on /g/ a few weeks ago and seeing some guy who got a free "broken" computer from a friend, spend the entire thread laughing at the guy who gave him the computer and calling him a "useless faggot who couldn't even replace graphics card". Ever since then I'll type up a post on 4chan and then think "what's the point" and delete it.

I hate chan users so much its unreal. I am disgusted I spent my teenage years on a website populated by cynical, sociopathic losers.


i used to argue on chans for hours a day and it was for the purpose of making a general thread no longer made because its quality is too poor.
i succeeded a few times back in the day, but now my competition is literal bots. i dont mean the subversive political AI, i mean the 4chanx scripts you can set up that just dump an image folder automatically. they leave them on even when theyre asleep because theyre autistic.
those sorts of people make me so angry that they're what motivated me to do it. theres autistic men out there who feel some strong sense of identity and community with a shitty porn general or a faggot video game general that reposts from reddit, and they pretend to own the place and take it so seriously even though the quality is thoroughly shit and half the users there are underage. they make a full-time unpaid job out of pretending to be a moderator and keeping the thread artificially alive with their 4chanx dumps. You'll often see users have full blown panic attacks over a general being 404ed for a few hours with a slow replacement. they're so unbelievably defensive over their shitty reddit clone that i want to destroy it. i wish i could kill them


I drank an entire liter of vodka today and didn't even get buzzed. Then I got pissed off and split wood with an axe until I collapsed.

I think I'm going to hang myself.


I would die from drinking that much alone and you need hanging as a finisher move. Tough motherfucker.


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i think i will try one last time. i wish i could reincarnate but i know death is the end. i cant count on the possibility of there being an afterlife where i can be free after i die. im going to die someday anyway so i have to try. i couldnt go to a good university so i will get a sh*t job just to survive and use all my free time to study and nothing else. i have been trying to get a sh*t job for months without any luck, i apply for positions like window cleaner and garbage man but im not accepted; i will start applying for civil service jobs which have a selection exam so i can have an actual chance. i dont know i think i have a purpose but i have to study a lot, it takes something like 20-30 years to learn the sorts of things i want to learn before i can start making real contributions. i hope the world is still in one piece 30 years from now. im afraid of things like food and energy shortages, wars and natural disasters. i hope my country doesnt collapse. i just need shelter, food and a computer with internet to study. i think i will end up homeless at some point but ill try anyways. i think theres no point in trying, its impossible, the only way i could succeed is if i could start from zero again, but i really want to be free. i hope im strong enough to endure whatever other things life throws at me. i dont know at least i am finally free and i can have fun studying math just for pleasure. i dont know i wish i could express myself but i dont know, sorry for making a post, i promise its the last one itt.


Has anyone started again in a new city? I'm legit thinking of fucking off overseas and just pretending to be a new person, cutting off everyone from my current life.

I'm at the point of doing so, I just feel anger and resentment at everyone in my personal life, especially my family.

The old boy reckons it doesn't work, he tried it in his thirties and his problems just followed him.


Why the fuck do you guys write stuff here? It really does not make a difference. It will be forgotten in a short range time which is the very destiny of all communication in the digital age. This whole fucking platform is like a hoax. It might as well play in your mind. It really is not an expansion of the mind. It's an illusion that your mind expands your very room you are sitting in. Your room is making you dead.

Just kidding, life sucks, hang on you motherfuckers.


i like reading your posts, i hope you find a decent job hang in there


give a librarian my old card to throw away, they fucking scan it without my consent, which had stuff overdue i "supposedly" owe overdue and owe money to the city. luckily i can still use the PC's to play games/watch anime but imagine if they cut me off over their bs


>t. corporate evil devil scum that wants people to be productive even though they are suicidal, depressive and hate their lifes


Shouting in to the void has value. Ethereal posting is hip. Also today I am sad.


go back to 4chan tradcuck


> i hope the world is still in one piece 30 years from now. im afraid of things like food and energy shortages, wars and natural disasters. i hope my country doesnt collapse

Why? Wouldn’t opposite be more interesting? Even if society is in order I would be a loser at the bottom of hierarchy. Anarchy and chaos do not makes too big difference for losers.


I basically only live to consume pornography and tug my little worm.

it's over


I've been like this all my life. It's not over yet m8 please try to stop


>please, if theres a god, please let me try again.
I wish I could believe that I could try life again. It just seems so likely that every animal, including humans, go to the same place of nonexistence. I guess it won't matter how badly I want to try again at a life that could be full of happy memories and fulfilling achievements. Once I'm dead I won't have any feeling, thought, or care as it won't be possible.


>I wish I could believe that I could try life again

You do, but it's the same life, over and over again.

Your life is the only possible life that you will ever experience, over and over again, for eternity.


Unwizardly. Desires are still pissing your slaved soul… and that can be used against you, against all those who march behind the world's lights like moths


Just waiting for death. 1 day down. hopefully not many to go


if you think about it, there arent that many days in a lifetime. even if you live 100 years, it is still only 36500 days.


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>18250 days unconscious
>18250 days conscious (uncertain)


They days feel too long sometimes


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I quit my wagecuck job, I could not take it anymore.

"I would rather die then go to work" has been a recurring thought in my head for months and something finally snapped, did not even have the energy to call or text my boss that I left.

I don't have much money saved up, I could probably survive 4 or 5 months, after that it's up to my family how long they'll be able to stomach my unemployed ass before they kick me out.
I would genuinely rather die than going back to another wagecuck job, once my family kicks me out I will most likely go into the woods and die.

I am mentally ill, but look "normal" enough that I'm expected to work, even though normies quickly realize there is something "off" about me. I am ugly, low IQ, short, weak with next to no redeemable qualities.
I was already low IQ, but being a neet for 7 years stuck in my room did a serious number on me, even basic math is hard for me now.

I was dealt an absolute shit cards in life, the most I can expect out of life is getting the same results average people get by doing nothing at all, but for that I will have to work 10x harder than they do.

I'm sorry for the long post, I don't think anybody will even bother to read it, but I have nobody to even tell this to.



It's OK, take a brake and recover.

I always end up doing something similar: get a soul crushing job, work until I can't take it anymore, quit and recharge, then go at it again to pay the bills. I wish we could all get neetbux.



>get a soul crushing job, work until I can't take it anymore, quit and recharge, then go at it again to pay the bills.

The thing is, this is my third time doing this, and something feels very different this time, as if something just snapped in my brain. I no longer have that fire of ambition in me, it was faint to begin with, but now it's completely snuffed out.

I'm close to 30, no savings, high school drop out, socially retarded, speech impediment, low IQ, no friends, zero experience with succubi.
There genuinely is no future for me, this is not even coming from a "depressed" mind, I'm approaching my life situation with complete objectivity.

I'm not a smart guy, I'm not creative either, hypnotically lets say I somehow got this insane burst of motivation and work ethic that would last for years, I would still be hopelessly far behind pretty much everyone my age.

Not everybody gets to be successful and happy in this life, I get that.
The people you see doing low status jobs with pretty much no chance of moving up in their life still have something to cling on to, they might have friends they hang out with after work, a girlfriend, a child, a family that will die without their work, I have none of that.

The rest of my life will consist of me working a shit job, with not a single support pillar, in Maslow's hierarchy of needs I will most likely always only have the physiological needs met.
I might have been able to cope with this life as I have done so far, but my usual copes of video games, movies, anime all have stopped working, I have nothing to cope with anymore.

I will forever be a wagecuck slave with nothing and still society expects me to work the rest of my life for breadcrumbs, and I say no, I would rather die and that is what is going to happen.


I've experienced quite similar as you. I've walked out and quit 14 jobs now as of last year. I haven't worked for almost an entire year and things are getting very grim. I'm at the point where I need to start selling my shit to even stay afloat. Was trying to NEETbux until I was denied for the 5th time despite having a on record diagnosis of various mental illnesses. There's no hope for me.

>I wish we could all get neetbux
As do I.


>I was dealt an absolute shit cards in life, the most I can expect out of life is getting the same results average people get by doing nothing at all, but for that I will have to work 10x harder than they do.

I feel the same, everyone is good at what they do and I suck, I'm the only one who truly sucks, I'm just waiting for my employer to find out and fire me. I'm sure it will happen eventually happen.

And it's true what you say about working harder to get the same results, It's like trying to run a marathon with a bag of rocks slowing you down, yet you're expected to run as if you were a top athlete even with absurd disadvantages.

The only thing that makes me feel calm is knowing that someday all of this will end when I die, either by accident or suicide, amazing how death is truly the last hope for people like us.


I'm 29. Nothing makes me happy, nothing feels worth it, and nothing has since I was 14. I can't get past those facts. I can't focus on anything at all because nothing besides self-preservation seems worth doing even on a basic level. I work, but when I'm not working, I'm alone until I work again.


I hate how illogical I am, how my mind still won't accept the idea of death.
On a logical level the "I can't kill myself because of how it would make my family feel" is completely illogical.
The moment I'd die I would no longer exist, from my perspective it would have been like the world ended and I went into a dreamless sleep never to awake again.
The same way I would not want to leave my computer unlocked, my room uncleaned, e.t.c.
But I still can not rise above this feeling, how do you do it those of you who are preparing to actually end it?


Same. nothing more to add.


Also same brother, I think after I reach 26 I dont think the frontal cortex bullshit is real, I feel like im gonna be the same miserable dumbass.


yep. nothing. its fucking crazy, the entire world… a big mess of meaninglessness. i dont understand other people, what they do or why they do it, i often feel inhuman, or that something is seriously wrong/missing in my brain. oh well, im going to kill myself soon i think. good luck


When I moved away for university my mind felt a freedom knowing nobody knew me or anything about me. A freedom from the past. If you’ve never done it, it can be nice. Personal problems whatever, you will repeat patterns. If your problem is something you create then whatever. it depends how much the past weighs on you. Family connections don’t reform so the pull of those bonds are gone, old memories and connections associated with places and people dull.


this shit is just depressing ngl


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That's life man, I try to be happy, I try to find meaning in my life, thinking i'm special or some shit. In the end i'm just a mediocre boring being just coasting by, don't even know why i'm here. All I know is I wanna play more vidya and wagecuck just to exist more and not starve.


Its building like a storm, I feel it all night long.


Why didn’t anyone stop me when I gave up? The school system hardly cared when I just stopped showing up, I think they sent someone over once and had a quick talk and that was it. Another time my dad drove me to school to talk to two teachers and it was another quick talk where nothing happened. The more I think about it the more I’ve dealt with the same thing countless times. Therapists or divorce counselors growing up, being put in a remedial class, summer school, speech class, always just people sitting down and talking but still just letting me quietly stop out of life bit by bit.
That’s all long gone and now I’m just invisible, if I died society wouldn’t even notice. I guess it’s my choice but I was still a child when I started down this path. Everyone saw me digging this hole and tried to convince me to stop digging but nobody bothered to try and pull me out. Now I’m completely buried and still nobody asks what that shovel is doing there. If I died would the neighbors even notice I don’t know


my BPD mother had me in her sights tonight
I won't even bother elaborating because anybody who knows what this means knows the full painful extent


I feel this. I have read many stories about people who recovered from depression - so many involved a teacher, a doctor, or someone who took interest in them and helped them get better. The doctors don’t even follow up if you just disappear in the middle of treatment if you’re an average loser. The world isn’t interested in us.


that's a bad thing how exactly? this is such a weird thing to be upset about. doctors and teachers are not your mother, what kind of miracle do you expect them to pull off?


Anybody else have comically bad memory? Mine is possibly fried due to depression/anxiety and sleep meds.

I'm constantly switching tabs when supposed to memorize stuff but then again… don't all fucking normies scroll tik tok or whatever all the time? And they still get things done…

I'm thinking I might have ADD on top of my mental issue what can I do about this?(no proper ADD meds where i live)


I always wondered how normies could just pick up on things naturally, like remembering names and common things or mastering some sort of hobby or game.

Even old 90 year old people have a better memory than me. I now understand why I can never become proficient in anything.


>Even old 90 year old people have a better memory than me.
lol my 85 yr old grandpa recites some poems sometimes i'm not joking


it also explains why I'm also too stupid to work at a fast food joint as a cook


I've bounced back from literal psychosis and periods of shut in depression with almost no problems honestly. But for the first time in my life I'm getting headaches in my late twenties and I think that's the sign it's gonna start catching up to me.

I think mental illness is like alcoholism or types of drug addiction. You can bounce back from it faster if you're younger and somewhat be alright, but it'll quickly get you if you do it at middle age or older.


Is it possible to accept depression and be numb too it? I been fighting all these years, trying to figure myself out and make my life better, but I just don't care at all anymore, I rather let my mental illness take over and accept defeat.


You never really become numb to it unless you have bad coping mechanisms like drugs or alcohol. The long term prognosis of accepting depression is basically being angry and underemployed.


I swear normies only care and fetishize intelligence and tech knowledge shit for the feeling of domination it gives over others. It's what those shows like Mr Robot and the Big Bang Theory are all about, flexing intelligence. The way they were all gushing at teamviewer and remote access stuff today in class was just bizarre. They immediately all started profusely gushing about how they could access so and so's computer at home and see what so and so was up to. Filled with creepy statements with them fantasizing about how they can go through each others files. It was the most excited I seen them all all year.

It just made me realize. There's absolutely zero glamor for tech shit that isn't hacking and accessing people's personal files. Unless it's hacking or a high paying engineering job, normies don't care kek.


Anyone want to start a mentally ill losers meditation group? Accepting were won’t get enlightened and at most might cope with being weak minded people? Group pressure and encouragement to keep our minds in the right place and to remind each other when we fail.


What you just described sounds like something out of 1984. Who actually feels any sort of thrill from being able to view someone else's personal files? A bit creepy if you ask me.


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I don’t know if this even counts as depression, I’m just in a malaise. I never do anything. Everything is just more effort than it’s worth. I am not motivated by anything. I don’t feel bad I just feel nothing. My whole existence is like eating plain rice every meal. I fear wasting what little time I will be alive and yet death doesn’t scare me. I don’t fear being forgotten, I just fear having regrets.

When does the being alive start? I’ve spent so long hiding and sequestering every facet and detail about me that I’ve just stopped caring about it. I’ve become the soulless uninteresting husk I’ve pretended to be. I don’t care about any kind of entertainment. I have a closet full of knick knacks and tchotchkes that I never even look at. I must’ve been at least $10000 on all this crap over the years and in the end I just don’t care. I don’t follow new things that come out and I don’t actively look for old things. Music is the only stuff that routinely makes me feel good. I have 0 desire to express myself in any fashion. Even this post is the first time I’ve actually hit send in a while, I usually write out a reply and then just close the window because I know I’ll never get a reply that gives me any kind of satisfaction. This is me just screaming into the void for a minute.

I’m just lost and directionless, and I don’t even feel compelled to just go wander. All I seem capable of is sitting and waiting for something to come to me, which will never happen.


does anyone else just not enjoy anything? i sit in my chair almost in a catatonic stupor every single day until i can pass out doing absolutely nothing and its been like this for years now.


ya. prob gonna kms soon


I think it's the environment and the way society progressed so fast makes life feel so boring and tedious. With technology and social media making life so goddamn easy, we really have nothing to much do with our lives or have any purpose at all. It's all just a boring slog and emptiness from here on out.


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I have a reccurring fantasy of being shot in the head (or neck) causing instant death. Ideally by someone like the "D.C Sniper" of 2002. A more common spree-shooter would be OK, I figure I'd be a likely early target because of my physical size and aura of suicidal craziness. That last part is betting on spree killers having plans though. Really all that matters is I die before I can register any panic or pain.

It would also be really easy to frame it as suicide, there's plenty of documentation and nobody that would care or think otherwise. "Well, he finally succeeded this time."


not exactly. because I still enjoy day dreaming and using drugs


I live in Europe, i hope Putin nukes Brussels and we start WW3. Oh sweet oblivion, come come.


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Every time I want to create a close connection with somebody, it always fails no matter what the hell I even do. I tried so hard to make the friendships that last for as long as possible. All of my friends of the past have ended up me leaving/hating the people that I was friends with. Why the hell does this always happen to me. Even if I do have the friend group, I am always the target of the harassment and thrown under the bus. That is probably one of the reasons why I didn't want to make friends in high school. I thought that the online world would be different, but the same outcome still occurred. They would rarely even message me at all. I did an experiment on discord having 150 friends and being away for 1 month. The results of this made realize that it is not worth making friendships online. I was shocked that I only got 1 message from somebody and that was the mee6 bot. The only reason that I recall is that they would message me was if they wanted to play a game because they had nobody else to play with. I remember this moment where I was in a call with my former friend, and they just left the call to join another group that hated me for no reason. Even though I was the first one that was talking to him. They didn't like me for some reason, and that friend just ditched me like I am some piece of rubbish. Now when I think about, everybody has treated me like rubbish, and only being used as a tool for their pleasure. If this is my outcome of "friendship" then I wish not to have it at all, then to be the one who has to deal with the trauma of rejection.


He just might. Have you seen his recent tv speech? He was jittering, grimacin like a methhead,angry and anxious as fuck. I hope that the way things will go and I won't have to kill myself.


What king of drugs? I feel like drugs are rather overrated. I enjoyed doing psychodelics, but they don't allow escaping reality - they just make it worse, allowing you to feel your life x10, wether good or bad. And stronger stuff is rather quick to get addicted to and ruin whatever left of being alive.


Even though weed is not considered a psychedelic. It definitely has psychedelic properties. Hence why i felt like absolute garbage every time after smoking it. Every weed smoker is a normalfag who's life is already good. I can't sympathise with weed or psychedelic users


i hope so brother, what a way to go.


It's quite telling that when my pc shows signs of breaking I have a mini mental breakdown and become really frightened - it's all I do, it's my whole life. I wish it was a self regenerating robot.


And it just froze again, fuck. I can't take this.


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They're just shitty weirdos, I have no idea, a few days later and they're still gushing about that app.

Watch any normie show with tech in it and they just glamorize the fuck out of le hacking and le invasion of privacy. Normies are so creepy.


Cause it's just a super power like any other. Same thing when ironman goes and shoots a guy with a missile, le hackerman just reads their emails and blackmails them.


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im afraid. im so scared. i dont think i will make it. no matter what. god give me strenght. i dont understand anything anymore. i dont know anything anymore. im scared. im afraid. im in the darkest abyss. but i exist. i have a purpose and i want to be free. so god help me. please. please. i dont know. im afraid. im afraid.
i wish i knew how to express myself. sorry for making a post. sorry.


He is right. It did not work for me.


Female roommate is nagging me again about stinky kitchen garbage (I put meat packaging in my own garbage can in the kitchen, then tied up air tight within a garbage bag) again.

She wants me to take out the meat packaging/food packaging outside to the trash can every time I need to throw something away.

She is also nagging me about leaving my meat un-bagged in the fridge (I just leave the meat in the original packaging and just ripe a hole in the plastic at one end to remove the meat), saying something about pathogens and bacteria.     

I'm getting pretty tired of it at this point and I'm already looking for another place to live, possibly my own apartment.


I've been honestly trying to cut back on alcohol use, it's just gotten out of control and outright impractical. not really fun anymore (like most things)
finding I can't sleep without a few chugs of vodka. like, 6-8 ounces in an hour.
I've got melatonin and even benzos, but they're not enough by themselves.


Having roommates is hell. Never fucking again.


walk 15ft outside to dispose your disgusting diarrhea to appease your roommate, or move out and have to find a new place and move all your furniture again.
very tough choice wow I'm really sorry youre struggling so much


Sorry to hear anon. It's very difficult to find and form quality connections with people online because there's not usually a lot bonding you together there. It's very low stakes and easy to enter into, which means just the same it's easy to exit out of. As evidenced in you having 150 discord friends there. Who are all these people? Why /would/ they care about you have to see where you've been? You'd never have '150' friends irl for these reasons.

Uh, probably many/most people here?? Voyeurism. We love to watch from afar, see how the other half lives. Gain insights into things we don't understand and couldn't dream of. Yes it's a bit creepy, whatever that means: people are creepy. "Looking at things you shouldn't be looking at" is a commonly shared trait amongst humans, not sure why I need to explain this like an autist, and the more 'personal' something is the more 'power' it contains.

Yep. Moved into a shitty single room apartment. Now I am free to live in my own filth (until inspection day…)
I'd rather this then having to share a 'nice' place with other people.


Well my sodium nitrite poison is coming early today it seems. Sometimes I get these feelings like maybe I could make things work and stick it out but I am mentally ill. Psychotic episodes, bridge burning and self destructive behavior, etc etc. The total onslaught of 24/7 negativity and despair by my own mind has taught me not to be foolish. Best case scenario I will sit at the same computer screen, consume the same garbage, blankly stare out the same eyes. Even if I got a succubus or a dog, a motorcycle or whatever, what difference does it make? I know I won’t and don’t care to be some big shot or an artist or a writer or a socialite. I just don’t care. I never have. I know the thoughts of “well hurr maybe I could do this aaand idk… it won’t be so bad??” are hollow and reactionary. It’s all just a little fleeting flittering flutter of a daydream. I hate day dreaming, its pathetic on so many levels. I used to like myself, all said and done, but lately my own worthlessness has been coming on strong. I genuinely don’t like myself, I’m a bad person, I have a lot of problems, it’s all a waste. I’ll probably ingest the poison sometime soon. Likely on a rainy week night. I often have the thought, “this could be my last day. That’d be fine. Why not?”. That’s how it’ll be, I’ll go out with a silent whisper, leave a note to say I don’t want any sort of funeral or ceremony, nobody to speak lies for a day to try to put a positive spin on the dredging slog that consciousness has been for me. In my note I’ll say that I want as few people to know I’m gone as possible. To lie to anyone who asks about me, to not tell the family, etc. I want to vanish, like I was never here. That’d be best. Oh well. Bye for now


Another thing I kind of glossed over is being an enemy to my own mind. I constantly think and fixate, often on sad and hurtful things. From the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. I hang my failings over my head, remind myself of what could have been, think about “what it”, torture myself with old memories. I can’t take that anymore. Just all the time, my own mind batters my spirit and I can’t escape it. I can’t relax or have simple moments to myself, I’ll shoot my foot with some bad thought and sour the occasion. I’m not sure how I became so grandiose, wanting perfection, so idealistic, etc. Its a pathetic mental illness to have. Maybe evolutionarily speaking it would have spurred me on, pushed me to achieve in some other time, but I despise the world. I hate other people, society, myself. I don’t even like my own family. Any friends Ive had were only ever convenience or a thin facade, a lie to try to fit in and look normal. I just want to be gone. Free of all this, of my life, the world, myself. My own mind is the worst of it though. It’s so negative and overbearing and stressful (even if I have nothing to be stressed out about, I’ll think of something). This has attributed to my self hatred a lot. I can’t be normal, I’ll never be. And I know I’ll have some psychotic break/episode again, it’ll probably get worse as I age too. Another thing is that I have social skills, am decent looking, etc, and I still can’t do it. I wish I could die and write some wizard into my will to take what good qualities I do have, what some of you wish you could have, because they’re a waste on me. Too many mistakes, too much waste, too much I can’t take thinking about anymore but just can’t stop thinking about. I want out so bad. The couple hour lull away from myself every day, where it fades into the background or I’m distracted aren’t enough. I’ll never be happy, I’ve never been, it’ll only get worse. “Happiness” is just a fix, a hit of a drug, a second’s respite for me. Not a real thing, something that I’ll have or feel. Just some sick lie that makes the hamster in my brain keep running. Soon it’ll run out completely, and that thought it “this could be my last day” will be all that is left


I relate to what you've said. Had I a fool proof way of kms, like a gun, i would have probably done it already. And the thing is, it is not really the me that is the problem, not entirely at least. It is the whole physical reality and the human nature as a whole. This rat race has no purpose outside pleasure, which is not really pleasurable in the long run. Everything is pleasure, even spiritual stuff, and yet pleasure is actually pain in disguise. There is no escape from this reality, from this false duality. Even if I was a successful norman with good life, it would still be a pleasure chasing existence, i'd still be a slave to nature, I would still suffer, but would be blind to the nature of it.
Right now it is indeed a purposeless slog. I am not sure of what to do.


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I envy people like Paul Erdős more than any other group. Being deeply passionate and talented then being able to pursue that talent to the end of your life. A total indulgence in something you find beautiful.

God I wish I had that


If you spent 1/10 of the effort and time you put into writing these texts into experiencing with things and trying to find something you enjoy then you would be more stable mentally, don't you think? Don't feel pity for yourself, it's a waste of time and energy. Be harsh on yourself without getting overly sentimental. And don't have ridiculous expectations of yourself and of the world. Because you will be disappointed all the time.

>Had I a fool proof way of kms, like a gun, i would have probably done it already
This cope still around? God.
>This rat race has no purpose outside pleasure, which is not really pleasurable in the long run.
>pleasure is actually pain in disguise
Good eye. So pursue suffering for yourself and inflict suffering on others. It is fun.

What would make you happy? If God appeared before you and told you there was some epic higher purpose to your life? Or if someone else gave your life meaning? It's been said many times here, you can give your life meaning the best because you know yourself, hopefully.

It feels like you and many others here decided NOT to be happy at any cost. Well, being miserable and feeling pity for yourself is a journey of its own kind, I travelled along that road too before I got bored of it. Have fun.


Yeah I used to be really into that stuff, reading everything about everything. It's all useless, a borderline lie, sad coping. God isn't real and if it is it doesn't care about my or humanity in general's stupidity. Sometimes I daydream about dying and entering my own dreamscape, making things how I think I'd like them with full access to my brain. Everything I've sensed, read, stored in my brain or felt. It'd still be pointless? I could have a big castle, endless food, place myself into lives of my choosing, be anyone I wanted. Maybe just fly around and LARP as superman or something. It'd still end up making me sick. Even if I could trick myself from some god-like form into thinking 'I did it on my own' or some such, it wouldn't matter. None of it does. I don't understand why I'm alive, I don't care how, and I don't want to go on on and on day in and day out pretending there is some value in 'memories' or 'living a full life' etc. to just die the same. I'd rather just get it over with and go lights out. Well I will soon enough. I thought once I had the poison in my hands I might have a turn of heart, that the option would be enough comfort in and of itself, but not really. I hate those little turns of heart, the second long moments where some chemical makes me feel/think 'it's not SO bad', but it really is. I know better than to latch on to such things at this point. I still want to drink it down, lower myself into bed one last time, and drift off with a faint little smile. Then all of this will be gone, nothing to remember, nothing to despair over or beat myself up with. Truth be told I'm a little excited.


>you should try to find something you enjoy don't you think?

>decided NOT to be happy
I don't think to 'be' happy or 'be' unhappy is something people really 'decide' on personally
>So pursue suffering for yourself and inflict suffering on others. It is fun.


> If God appeared before you and told you there was some epic higher purpose to your life?

Not that anon but if God appeared to me I would use those precious seconds to try to put God six feet under. The bastard rarely takes physical form so you almost never have a chance to kill him


I like your attitude


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>Being deeply passionate and talented then being able to pursue that talent to the end of your life.
That has got to be one of the greatest lives one can hope for. I've always loved creative endeavors and entertainment. Things like art, music, storytelling, and comedy have always appealed to me greatly. Unfortunately, practically every adult in my life growing up discouraged me from those passions and tried to steer me towards soulless 9-5 desk jobs. I've never once been able to be myself or pursue what I truly care about without someone actively interfering in some way. Now here in my adult life, I have nothing and I care for nothing. I've become a broken man, an empty husk of a person. This world is a very sorry place.


Wow this is exactly how I feel. I vividly remember being a kid and always wanting to be an entertainer or artist but my parents never cared or even asked they always just forced me to do things. By the time I was 16 my mom was yelling at me to get a minimum wage job because she was tired of paying for things and let me know that I had no chance at anything else. Now she complains constantly about how much she hates her life and her job and so do I and it makes me wonder what sort of psychopathic would want their kids to endure the same or worse that they went through. I’ll never understand the world we live


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what am I looking at?


Calm down, Matthew.


Woke up and had to go somewhere during the period where school children are walking to school, I hadn’t seen it in a few years. All I could think going past hundreds of kids is how much I should never have existed. These kids are happy, they probably have goals and wants, they have some connection to the world. I was a neurotic and depressed mess from a young age, barely being shaped in to a human being. I wanted to kill myself when I was 12 and it’s been 2 decades since; I was in a consciousness that never was part of this world.


>more successful than you
oh youre one of those types of "wizards"


The mysterious group known as Wizards That Succeed (At Fucking).


Same - I hate accidentally going outside when teenagers are coming home from school, I have to tactically cross the street and maneuver myself to stay as far away as possible because I don't want to be ridiculed, seeing happy young people (especially laughing) taps straight into my inferiority complex and makes me want to die.


Really? I always feel the opposite. Stupid fucking kids have to spend years in school being little slaves while I did my time and am now a free man. I hated school as a kid and assumed most kids do, I feel nothing but contempt for those kids as they have to slog through school for another 4-10 years at least.



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Man can survive anything but the loss of illusions.


Man with a capital M cannot lose illusion, only tangle!


This is very deep. Ever tried surviving shelling or an air raid?



Forgetting what I'm saying/thinking WHILE doing it is a daily occurrence for me, it has been since I was 13 years old or so. Interestingly enough I was just fine up until that age, maybe I just received brain damage at some point or whatever


thank you for using the expression "did my time" when referring to school, because that's exactly what it is, a fucking prison, if you live in a shitty area it can be nearly just as violent too


>Parents having friends over for dinner
>Leave so i don't bring the mood down or embarrass them
>Long night walk in other town over
>Walk past family on playground
>Dad chases after me and accuses me of asking his daughter "why are you here?"
>Loose it after being on edge for months now
>"Don't get hostile with me"
> realise i'm just making my self look worse but i don't stop sperging
>He "allows" me to leave and tells me not to come back
>Tell him to fuck off
>Get macdonalds for dinner
>Can here Mczoomers ragging on me through drive through window
>It taste like utter shit

Probably the worst Saturday i've had a in a while. Wish i could truly go hikki/neet again because i'm so fucking tired of having to be around people.


>I don't think to 'be' happy or 'be' unhappy is something people really 'decide' on personally
How you think and how your mind filters the world has a great impact on your emotional and mental well-being. Being happy is a decision because you can be the richest man on Earth and have everything but still be unhappy because of unrealistic expectations. "Why am I only king of the world, I want to be god, life sucks man…"

Have you ever thought that maybe you should hit people who believe in God? God is just a concept after all. You can fight God by fighting his followers on Earth. Go bully christians, I love to do that.

This existence is but one big illusion so I guess you are right.


A quick calculation. With 12 years of school, each year consisting of 180 school days, with school taking roughly 10 hours out of the day each school day, means that I spent more or less 21600 hours in school doing nothing but admiring the beautiful, smelly bright yellow walls.
For comparison, I started learning Japanese last year and spent roughly 600 hours for that purpose, including the time spent "immersing", watching anime to better my listening comprehension, reading novels and manga, and so on. I can currently do any of those without any effort and understand 99% of everything. Instead of slogging through all those schools filled with crackhead students and teachers, I could have learnt 36 fucking languages instead, at a carefree pace. Well, my brain wouldn't be able to retain all that though.


lad, can you imagine if school was mostly self-directed and people could explore their own interests. how many of us would have learned great things? or been better for it? i feel like i could have been so much better if i was encouraged more and had very light guidance by smart people on worthwhile topics to study. the sense of accomplishment you would have picking your own subjects to learn would be immense. you would learn so much faster than trying to force people to learn shit they hate. we would all become specialists in our own domains.


The problem with school is that it's a glorified daycare. Most parents just want to their kid to be someone else's problem while they do their shitty wageslave job or whatever.

School could be much shorter. 12 years is a long time and 90% of the shit you don't really need. Teach kids how to read, write, do maths up to a certain level, some basic science shit and that's it. Most people don't need to know what a covalent bond is or how to do calculus.

I think public school should be like 4 years and then parents either get their kid into some specialized private school or the kid can self-direct and study at home and prepare himself for some specialized degree when he's ready for college. Like if I want to be a software dev, maybe I don't need to learn 4 years of useless chemistry shit.


most kids would just become low class peasants if they were set on their own, I never wanted to be anything, I would've just sat at home playing video games if I was let off of school after just 4 years


Most of them already do. Either you have some internal drive to learn on your own or you have educated parents that are pushing you and giving you positive reinforcement. Everyone else is just wasting their time sleeping in class and entertaining themselves by bullying the other kids that have no choice but to spend their childhood in prison.


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im not human. i come from hell.
nothing is going to work. i shouldnt even try. theres no hope. im afraid. im scared. i will try, ill keep trying until the end. but i think its already over.
i wish i could try again. i wish i were born into a different life.
i wish i were free.


I read schizoid forums and they all talk about Jobs, friends, and having hobbies. I'm starting to wonder if Schizoid Personality disorder is not what I have or if the term is self-diagnosed to the point of uselessness.


Thats called normalfag


My mom is worried about my internet usage.
She asked me this morning how I felt yesterday, because I've spent every weekend for about 3 years glued to my computer.
I just told her I felt "fine", because lying is easier, talking doesn't help, and because wasting time online is the only thing that makes me feel just about anything other than boredom or anger.


Were you socially active before? My mother used to cope by saying I was studying on the computer, but now that I'm a NEET I'm not sure what's she is saying to herself LOL


I've never been socially active.
Apart from my family, I don't know anyone apart from people at my job.
I think the difference is that I'm now 28, and clearly depressed.
I'm no longer 16 and cutting myself.
A depressed 28 year old man is an uglier, more undeniable thing. So, now she's worried about my computer usage.


I just want to die


The Point of Life is to Live


Oh boy, popped what I thought was a spider bite on my forearm and now it is swollen bigger and I will probably have to have urgent care check it out. Love this RNG fuckin bullshit.


LMAO pussy


its just another thing to pile on top of shit I deal with


I definitely agree with this, and to add to that, many people (myself included) don't know what they want to do at a young age. Often times people will even try a bit of one thing and realize they don't care for it, then move onto something else. It's not so easy a thing to know one's self. I personally didn't know what I was really passionate about until mid/late highschool, which would not have lined up too well with a "4 years then specialize" approach.


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The Point of Death is to die


"Knowing what you want to do" is a meme of modern individualism. In the past you wageslaved whatever you could do and brought you money to survive, nobody cared about finding their "passion" or whatever.

Most likely you have actual schizoid personality disorder while those people are just normals trying to get attention, no?


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I used to love making these little animations when I was a kid. Started with stop-motion with my toys, and later stick figure animations with pivot and the like. They were awful to begin with but I recall genuine, significant improvement from my first ones and the last ones that I vaguely remember making. I don't remember my parents ever showing any interest in what I was happily working away on for whole days at a time. All I remember from those years is constant grief and yelling over me spending all day on the computer. Instead of ever giving a shit about what I was actually doing on the computer and encouraging it they just forced me to take guitar lessons I had no interest in so that I would be "doing something". As if I wasn't already doing something, that I actually liked to do, right under their retarded noses. They never noticed when I stopped making those animations. They made (and continued to make for years afterwards) a big fucking stink about it when I stopped playing that stupid guitar I never wanted, though. I wonder where I would be and what I would be doing now if they had cared at all. I wonder what happened to that creative energy I used to have.

I don't have the patience or drive now to create anything, to do anything besides endlessly consume. I had completely forgotten that this was even something I used to do and I never considered my parents' negligence about it but it just came to my mind now reading your post. I wonder what other reasons to hate them I have buried away in my subconscious. I definitely feel resentment towards my parents, but I don't always know why - I guess this may be one of the reasons. It scares me how many things I forget, how many things I've buried away in my subconscious. I don't want to find myself years down the line hating my parents and not knowing why, still feeling obligated to obey their every word as if I owe them something, being misled into believing that the sorry state I'm in as an adult is all my fault.


the same thing happened to me when I was a kid except it was computer programming. Yea they wanted me to learn how to play a guitar cause it was 'doing something' as you said, my parents think being on the computer is the same thing as playing video games, from playing video games I wanted to be a computer programmer and they just didn't see it and when I tried to show them they showed no interest at all in what I liked, it is sad



Anons, I understand you went through difficult experiences that may have quashed your natural passions, but my point with Paul Erdos was he didn't care how others perceived him . He was a homeless bum who pursued math out of pure joy. He didn't care if everyone saw him as a nutcase or if some people didn't approve.

You didn't love your hobbies as much as Erdos did. That's sort of my point. Few people have that "I would walk through a hailstorm nude just to engage in what I love".


If I'm not watching porn and masturbating, I have nothing better to do, then I get extremely depressed.


I just looked this guy up and he was a amphetamine addict, maybe if you give me some of those I'll all of a sudden have passion as well


Same. I want to edge every day but my dick just can't handle the same punishment anymore. I'm at a loss of what to do when I can't jerk it


Anyone else get the feeling like they're in purgatory or hell? Or at the very least being punished by some self-righteous cosmic whateverthefuck?

I'm stuck. I've developed an extreme fear of other humans, I can't stand to even be around family anymore. Holding a job is impossible and I spend 99 percent of my time in a small room.

Despite that, my respite has been weekdays when my family works. Now though, with covid first, and then later by pure chance, this is being taken from me. I think of how it could be worse, and like some sort of premonition, it comes to pass. Obviously it's coincidence, but that's how it feels.

I'm lucky to have a couple days a week that I can leave my room. Usually I just take advantage of it to eat and drink water, so it's hitting me harder that these moments are spread further and further apart.

I don't mind the isolation, this is beyond isolation.

I know I probably sound crazy, but I just cannot overcome this self destructive desire to avoid people. My weight is dropping because I barely eat, I'm always slightly dehydrated, and worst of all, I'm bored.

I would swear that I'm in some sort of punishment. Maybe it's because I've succeeded in killing myself and part of the punishment is thinking I haven't. I have tried before. The first time I tried, I ate a bottle of unmarked pills. The second time, I cut my wrist to the tendons.

Nobody asks if I'm okay, it's blatantly obvious that I'm not okay. Nobody is okay with spending their time waiting.
I feel like Trevor Reznik, I look like him, just a pathetic and withdrawn skeletal husk of a human being, filled with self hatred and some vague sense of guilt that eats me up, though I don't even know what it is. I'm only guilty of trying to end my own life.

I'm going to kill myself and see if I end up back here. I hope I don't.


He started taking amphetamines near the end of his career. And most amphetamine addicts just jerk off all day.


Yes, since I was 10 or something too in fact. There has just been so much misfortune directed at me that it's hard to believe otherwise, and there have been plenty of cases in my life where immediately after I bitch about some misfortune, an entirely different one that makes fun of my whining comes around. I don't doubt that there has always been something watching out over me.
Do you avoid people because you have social anxiety and the like or is it something else? Realizing that 99% of other people are subhumans genuinely works, though since it's a subconscious realization it's hard to achieve it intentionally. Do your parents have some sort of negative reaction to seeing you?
>I'm going to kill myself
Do it properly or don't do it at all. If you fuck it up or halfass it then you'll grant yourself either an extremely painful death or people will discover you tried to kill yourself. If they do, then they'll force you on a shitton of drugs that give you extreme side effects. If you try to stop taking them then they'll throw you to the looney bin.


What are some almost painless suicide methods, I lived in a high building, but jumping from the window seems extremely painful



>I wonder where I would be and what I would be doing now if they had cared at all.
The toughest part for me wasn't a lack of interest from my parents as much as it was many people in my life (parents, teachers, siblings, etc.) actively scolding, mocking, or criticizing me (not in any constructive way, mind) for engaging in my interests. It's as if they hated the thought of me pursuing any form of creativity and thus sought to stop me in my tracks. However, I can certainly relate to my parents trying to push me into various other interests like sports, camping, and fishing to name a few. A major issue with parenting in the US comes from parents treating their children like clones, like smaller versions of themselves that can be made more successful than the parent so that parent may live vicariously through the child. It goes hand-in-hand with another major problem in the US being an overabundance of ego, wherein countless individuals are artificially propped-up to feel like the main protagonist in the story of life, leading them to always put themselves before others.


Heroin OD


I got rid of my computer again, probably the fifth time in the last two years. I'm just a chronic addict with the internet, no impulse control in the slightest. These last three days feel like a drug comedown, straight up. It feels so bad going from 16 hours a day of liquor, video games, youtube videos and porn to just sterile nothing. I feel so fucked in the head but I know from experience that feeling passes after a week. I'm posting from a presumably monitored PC at a community college and that keeps me reasonably well behaved.

I'm genuinely happier offline but I always go back to my shut-in reclusive ways.


I hate how shitty behavior is so glorified everywhere now. Like turning loser serial killers into superstars by making documentary after documentary about them. These guys were middle aged schlubs stuck in menial jobs with low IQs, and yet because they hurt people they're worshipped, what? And despite the /r9k/ rhetoric, it's not just hybristrophilic white succubi watching that garbage, plenty of guys talk about Dahmer and the others. It's not just those serial killer shows, it's a good portion of entertainment. So much entertainment now glorifies and glamorizes anti-social behavior. Prison shows, drug shows, every second comedy featuring le hilarious sociopath character that's entirely self serving.

I feel like I'm alone in the world for feeling visceral disgust towards this shit, but I know it wasn't always like this. Reading and watching entertainment from decades ago showed that this worship of evil just wasn't in our culture. Gilligan's Island, Columbo, the classical Star Trek just to name a few. Go back even further like a hundred years and it's even more jarring.


true crime has always been popular, I don't know what you're going on about, cherrypicking random popular media from the past doesn't mean nothing different from those existed at the time


We are alone in a world that cannot provide meaningful language.


We've got bigger fucking problems than language



The problem with dahmer is he was Raised very religiously by probably sub 100 iq parents. His faggotry combined with The religious stupidity coped him to kill The guys.


>developed an extreme fear of other humans

What do you exactly fear?


>close connection with somebody, it always fails no matter what the hell I even do.

It is not people who decides that nor you, for connections are already made… what people only do is just come and watch where they are made and with whom.

Chasing people exposes you to their miswerable souls. Stop starving, turn yourself rather into something worthy of being chased… so you may use it against them all.


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>worship of evil just wasn't in our culture
I beg to differ. Do you think Alexander the Great, Julius Caesar, Napoleon and other such people didn't hurt anyone? They caused the deaths and sufferings of tons of people for their own ego and selfish desires mostly and yet history, culture and society thinks of them as heroes or great people.

The thing is, maybe Sartre said it I'm not sure now, but criminals aren't worthy or noble enough to commit the acts they commit. Technically there is nothing wrong with violence or using others for your own selfish desires or harming others in any way, morals are subjective at the end of the day and most people realize this deep down but refuse to be honest with themselves and others about this. Societies and cultures are always built and protected by immoral men.

The problem isn't with being a serial killer "psychopath", it is with who this person is. If he is a dumb, uneducated, heroin addict retard who doesn't even know his own name and lives for drugs and sex then he deserves to be locked up and punished. However, a person like Napoleon or Caesar should get a free pass, since they had style and culture and intelligence. It all depends on the person, if dumb retard gangster does it then he should be punished but if the Übermensch type does it then he should be allowed to do as he pleases.
I would even say that if you compare people like this, then compare Ted Bundy, someone charismatic and intelligent actually with an idiot crack smokin gangster, your average pimp. They aren't even in the same league, the worship of people like Ted can be understood because he was an interesting person unlike ghetto nigger number 222.

In entertainment too, I hold the same view. I have problems with anti-social anti-heroes only if they are annoying normals, like average dumb criminals and the such. But if done right, Hannibal Lecter-style then I like anti-heroes and would say that I prefer them to moralizing normalfag heroes. Given that I am a loner I always tend to sympathize with the amoral loner characters in media, I root for the villains or anti-heroes most of the time. That is, if they have style and nobility of some kind, if they really do come across as loners or genuine weirdos to me.


Friends are so overrated. I'm happier now that I don't have friends.


Crime and Punishment basically serves as a good refutation about that idea shit imo. "Yeah yeah, I'm a real uebermensch, a Napoleon fr fr, I deserve to kill her for money because I'm so smart and special". And it turns out his shitty shut-in brooding ways and poverty were self inflicted. His mom was going out of her way to support him and he was basically squandering that effort. And when he comes across the middle aged detective that bemusedly tells him he had the same narcissistic ideas as a dumb teenager, Raskolnikov freaks out as he realizes he's not special at all and that these self-absorbed fantasies are common.

I don't even really think Alexander the Great was that special either. He squandered everything his dad Phillip had done to go adventuring around. War and Peace, another good novel, attacks the idea of Napoleon being anything special as well. He's the equivalent of a guy that went into a casino and put everything on black several times in a row and happened to win, battles are too random, chaotic and fickle to properly pin down and plan 100%. And eventually he landed on red, got sent to an island, came back and landed on red again and it was over.


slow night…


>several times in a row

Napoleon fought 81 battles and lost only 9 of them. Pretty lucky for a guy who is just guessing.


t. Napoleon


yep thats me


Never read either of those. But you have to understand the slav mentality, wiz. They are a race/culture that has been extremely brainwashed by christian sheepie morality and thinking, the average slav can't exist without hating himself and feeling guilt for things he shouldn't feel guilty about. People say russians are collectivist because of muh evil commies, well no. They are a collectivist culture because of hundreds of years of insanity that is called christianity and christian culture (oxymoron).

All people think they are special übermensch material but that doesn't mean the übermensch type doesn't exist. It's the same when normals try to convince others about how much of a loner they are, it is just laughable. We know obviously that true loners exist, like we on this site, even though everyone tries to play the cool loner edgy depressed guy in mainstream society.
So I think Dosto pretty much wrote Crime And Punishment in a little christian overzealous fever to protect his cultural heritage and what he considered to be normal values.

>I don't even really think Alexander the Great was that special either. He squandered everything his dad Phillip had done to go adventuring around.

Man, he conquered half of Asia and he was a young snot-nosed kid. If you read what Rufus wrote about his life then you will know he was a very talented leader and noble spirit too. Many people don't do 1/100 of the things he did in their lives, even though he died an early death.
Napoleon being lucky isn't something that takes away value from his person, it is something that add to his charisma and style. Being lucky, being born into a good household, etc these are all parts of the individual. You can't separate yourself from your immediate environment.

My point is: slav mentality is full of resentment and envy towards great persons and great achievements. It is the result of their christcuck brainwashing and hundreds of years of massive social inequality and the guilt that came from this.


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if theres a god, please dont leave me.


same (2)


I'm looking at used cars and everything is overpriced.

Used cars used to be like $3,000 for something nice. Now there isn't anything under $7,500.

I hope this sham economy collapses.


Life really is so hard. Every where I look I see basic things I'll never get to experience. I can't think of any purpose to my life. None of my goals I distract myself with matter. They won't effect anything. I wish I had the power to do something that had an impact towards anything but I know that will never be the case. All I can be is someone plagued by fear and anxiety. All that I am has been set before I existed. It would be best for me if I died but I care about how I would effect my family. I look after my brother and he would probably kill himself too if I did. I've felt alone, strange, and sad my whole life.


My existence feels wrong. I hate myself. I hate how I make other people uncomfortable. I hate my genetic configuration. I hate.


What do you tug it to, if I may ask?


What am I even doing.
My continued existence serves no purpose but to slightly extend the coffers of billionaires.
My family would be better off if I just vanished. It wouldn't exactly make me happy, but nothing does. And I'd be free from suffering.
Dead-end job, dead-end life.
I am a weak, predictable coward.


Same, I’m a genetic trash and a mistake. I shoul’ve never been born. I can’t even succeed at basics I’m a total retard.


It's been 3 months and I'm still experiencing SSRI withdrawals. Don't touch that poison.


Mandatory voting tomorrow in my country. Hope I don't run into any former bullies.


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>Mandatory voting tomorrow in my country.


I can relate, i always been so out there didn't realize people actually live normal lives til a few years ago. i thought everyone just fucked around and sat on a computer all day. I'm so dumb its ridiclous. I also didn't realize people like worked full time jobs and shit because i've been so out there my whole life. really sad to be amental fuck up like this



> Technically there is nothing wrong with violence or using others for your own selfish desires or harming others in any way, morals are subjective at the end of the day and most people realize this deep down

No, morality is an evolutionary trait hard-coded in our DNA that promotes cooperation inside the group and competition outside of it because it increases you chances of survival and reproduction (we are outsiders, that is why we get treated like shit). Like any other trait, some people have lots of it, some none. Now, if everybody would resort to violence, using others or harming others, society would collapse immediately and everything would devolve into brutality and madness. You can see recent examples of this in WWII for example. 60 million people death, about a million succubi got raped when the red army entered Berlin, a similar thing happened to Ukranian succubi with the invasion of Nazis and to Korean "comfort succubi" forced into sexual slavery by the invading Japanese and a long etc. Everybody died and starved, got raped, got enslaved in the ruins of Europe and everything was shit for rich and poor alike. The guys doing the killing and the raping one day where the victims of it the next.

> a person like Napoleon or Caesar should get a free pass

You are missing the point: Caesar got betrayed and staved 36 times precisely because he was a piece of shit. Napoleon got betrayed two different times by his left and right hand men and died in a miserable exile, because he was a piece of shit. None of them got a free pass, they both got what was coming to them, it just took time because those were terrible times and people preferred an evil leader to total chaos and brutality (Roman civil wars, French revolution).


same i'm 29 too seems like a lot in this thread are this age or close to 30. The only thing i've been looking forward to for about 8 years now is finally dying and being free from this hell.


i'm the same but suicide is too hard to do so i'll likely just be sticking around like i have been. no friends, no life, no reason to live, but i have to be here.


its different for me. no one ever helped me do anything and i had and still haev severe anxiety and issues. i always felt like i was just stuck in a house while everyone else was moving on with their life.


no my memory is crazy good. i remembe rpeople and events even when those people have no clue who i am. i think i'm highly intelligent or something


Few weeks after I reached 30 I turned asexual, I don't care about sex, erotica, succubi. Problems is I miss the dopamine hit from fapping, it was my only drug in life and only joy left in shit storm I am in. Even had the blood tests done to find out if its biological but they came out great and I am right in middle of range on everything.
I don't want my wizard powers. I will gladly give them away if I could.


yea in the past humans literally had to work all day and night just to get some dopamine rush it wasn't just an instant like it is now. its truly all messed up. we must go back


most people who use weed are depressed what on earth are you talking about?


same bro , same. my gaming PC is my whole life, one time the processor was slow and i started to have a nervous breakdown almost buying another pc on the spot.


>No, morality is an evolutionary trait hard-coded in our DNA that promotes cooperation inside the group and competition outside of it because it increases you chances of survival and reproduction
If this is the case I don't understand your low view of war, as wouldn't that be an example of a supragenic organism (operating at the level of the group) vying to live?


i hate all those utubers like markiplier, jackseptic eye. man they are SO FAKE. how do people not notice that their whole personality is completely fake, fake laughs, fake everything. they just do it for money. they have no love or passion anymore for gaming.


Its daycare you got that right, but its planned by the government. the parents need to be working making money so the kids need to be in a daycare being trained to be the next workers.


my parents know im miserable and depressed so i dont haev to put on a show around them


Why the fuck are you replying one by one you spastic?


my man, earth is some type of hell in general, for everybody. its the natural of this existence. so yes we are in hell


because its wizchan, am i supposedto be some genius on here? i told yall i'm retarded.


Morality isn't in our DNA (wtf??) otherwise everyone would act morally. By the way, you have yet to define what is acting morally means exactly as all cultures have different ideas about it.
>promotes cooperation inside the group
>and competition outside of it because it increases you chances of survival and reproduction
That is survival instinct and being forced to go along with the laws of your civilization, it isn't about morals and you yourself acknowledge it because you say people are only "moral" because it is in their best interests to be so. What is "moral" changes from culture to culture and ultimately even from individual to individual. So morals are subjective, SO morality in its proper meaning doesn't exist.

>Now, if everybody would resort to violence, using others or harming others, society would collapse immediately and everything would devolve into brutality and madness.

This is the normal state of the world, you don't have to wait for wars to experience this. People already use each other, harm each other and lots of people even use violence to get what they want from others. Your innocence regarding this is quite amazing considering how many people get raped, killed, robbed day after day. When your average "moral" joe refuses to act anti-socially that doesn't mean he behaves like that because he is so good of a person. He doesn't rape, kill, rob, steal or torture because he is afraid of the consequences only. If he could get away with it he would do it too.

>Caesar got betrayed and staved 36 times precisely because he was a piece of shit

>Napoleon got betrayed two different times by his left and right hand men and died in a miserable exile, because he was a piece of shit.
So what about the many people who you wouldn't consider to be "piece of shit" and still got betrayed, stabbed 36 times, exiled, etc etc insert random cruel thing here? What you are implying is the typical "just world fallacy". I'm sorry to inform you but we don't live in a just world. I don't know what is even your point with all this, you don't prove anything.

Napoleon or Caesar having tragic destines again adds to their personal charisma, mythic figure and legendary character. It doesn't take away value from their persons or actions. They achieved more things in their life than most of the population of Earth put together since the stone age to our times. You can rage, you can cringe, you can cry about this but superior people and inferior people exist and rightly so.

To even imply that all people are equal is a blasphemy against humanity. Caesar, Napoleon or Hitler is on equal grounds with someone like Nicki Minaj or Cardi B? Come on.

Yes, how horrible all the pleasures and dopamine rushes that we have at our fingertips! OH, they are killing us.


Leave him alone you normalcunt. Go thump your chest somewhere else if you're so pathetic you feel the need to put shit on others.


Hey demiurge, fuck you buddy.


I work a full time job. I'm 28. I'm totally friendless.
I've had a hard month work wise, and mentally. I'm not mean, just withdrawn, and very tires.
My mom has my nephew while my brother is on a trip. I live with my mom.
On Friday, I got home and crashed. She picked up my nephew on Friday.
I woke up on Saturday and just slept and laid in bed. I felt awful, and still do.
Today, I stayed in bed until about 2pm. I'm very stressed out from work, the worst I've been in a while.
I knocked on my mom's door, and asked if I could help with the baby. She responded coldly "Oh, I thought you weren't talking."

I could have gotten upset, but I just said "No, it's not like that", and pretty much just walked off, after asking again how I could help.

I would get it if I were the type to give the cold shoulder when I'm upset, but I'm not, and I never have. SHE does that. Once, a year ago, I was physically sick, and the next day I tried talking to her. I was totally laid up in bed. Again, she responded "OH I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T TALKING TO ME!!?"


When she gets upset, she always mentions how nobody cares about her, and that people think she's "crazy".

I was the one who bought trash service for our house, because she had been loading it into her car, and driving it somewhere else, in the heat, and I thought it was WRONG.

I was the one who bought her a nice new i7 laptop, because she mentioned hers was slow, and I knew it was slow, and I thought that my mom using a broken down old laptop was WRONG.

These dumb spats of her creation can last up to months. I ALWAYS have to apologize. Not this time. I'll fucking move out. This is such a shame. It is ALWAYS like this.

Maybe there's a reason my sister wants nothing to do with her. This just makes me sick.


I also rebuilt the back stairs to our house, because the old ones were rotten. Nobody asked me to do it, I just did. All of these things in the past year. What else am I supposed to do? Give her the moon in my left hand? Why is she like this?


With family like that the best thing you can do for yourself is just leave and stop talking to them. She's already irreparably damaged your mind. Even after 10 years of not seeing her she'll continue to haunt you, based on my experience


Sounds like she just wants you to talk to her. She probably appreciates all the little gifts and things you take care of, but succubi in general need communication. She's not a mind reader, if you're depressed and withdrawn, she'll assume it's because of her.

So, stop trying to bribe her and have a nice talk with her. Maybe read her your post, explain you're struggling and she might understand.


I have about $35, 000 saved currently. I could swing moving out. I'll wait to see how awful it is this time around, and then jump ship if she can't cop to acting like a crazy person.


Some mothers are just autistic fucking retards, who know nothing but to act toxically to people they know can't retort. I suggest you move out because, unsurprisingly enough, living around toxic people harms emotional and mental health. She can't really do much other than bitch and try to arouse your pity and make you do shit for her though, so do not act hasty and put yourself in an instable position just to move out as soon as possible.


Yeah, I'm going to play it by ear.
I nearly know to a certainty that she won't kick me out.

I just don't understand how she can see me totally alone, working my ass off, stressed to the gills, taking care of what she asks me to do, be generally kind, and expect more. Treats me like she doesn't even recognize me when I do something to piss her off. Instead of simply talking. Fucking stupid.


She got used to that, took you for granted, still do.


Can we hug or something
Fuck im so lonely i hate this


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nothing is going to work. nothing is going to work. theres no hope. its already over. i want to be free. i want to be free. ill try. but i dont think i can do anything, trying wont be enough. i wish i could be born again, i wish i could try again, keep trying until i succeed. if theres a god please dont leave me, if i fail please please let me be reborn, start over from zero and try again. i dont know, i dont know anything, nothing makes sense and i cant make sense out of anything anymore. i know i have a mission and theres a path i must follow, i must live in the shadows and no one will know i exist or whats my story, i know i must carry a weight on my shoulders and find my way out of this forrest. its a cold night but the moon is full and beautiful. my will is a diamond and my eyes see only black and white. i dont know i want to be free, or i want to fulfill my purpose, i think they could both be the same thing i dont know, but i dont think anything i do at this point matters anymore. really i just love studying mathematics, cryptography, physics, computer science and information security, and i love drawing and music, and i wanted to dedicate every instant and every particle of my existence into these things and i wanted to write a lot and make a lot of things and work and make a lot of money but i think its too late now but ill try anyways because i feel infinite mental freedom and im the happiest person in the world despite everything and nothing or no one will ever take that away from me. so im very glad i was born even though i didnt get to live my own life and i feel like the ghost of an abortion. sorry. i wish i knew how to express myself. sorry.


Yea moving out is the right choice. Normals will try to guilt you into feeling bad about it, but just remember that all the bullshit about "unconditional parental love" is shit that's made up by parents. My mom used to tell me to kill myself which was kind of funny. My life improved after I stopped talking to her.

Btw do you play any video games? I can play some multiplayer stuff with you on sundays if you want. No voice chat stuff though (religious reasons).

80% of normals use weed are you really going to tell me most of them are depressed


Repeating it again - normans lead normal lives. Their lives are just easier and simple, they say just do it because their internal world is that simple and coherent. Ultimately they are better and more functional because of this - but they have an easier life and easier mental experience. They won’t just take their better life as a benefit they refuse to accept it’s easier. This isn’t a call to stop trying to get better but a reminder the norms who berate you are jut ignorant of how easy it is. Anyone who has had serious mental illness that has been temporarily cured or solved has experienced how easy life becomes. Screw the lies.


I think it depends on the strain. There are some calming and relaxing ones but THC by definition is not really something that's meant to calm you down


Well, mom kicked me out. I have no idea what I'm going to do. I took the day off of work, to try to sort this out.

I don't know where I'm going to go. I knocked on my mom's door this morning, she told me that I was pushing me to her limit, and told me not to come back.

I have no friends, and no more family around here. I'm not panicking, but the sun hasn't set, yet. I don't know what to do.


Do you have a car?


There are apartments that people rent out on a daily basis or weekly. Try those out before you sort things out anon, godspeed.
I'm in a similar situation except mom doesn't kick me out but today we had a fight about it once again. Idk how long I can take it tbh.


Yes. I'm planning to sleep in it tonight.
I'm roving around town looking for ror rent signs right now. Praying for something.


You can always shower at a gym or public pool while trying to find stuff.


Watched the edgerunners anime and while it wasn't that great, i always loved studio trigger and am a huge cyberpunk genre fan, so i enjoyed it a lot regardless.

Made me reminisce of the old days when i actually enjoyed anime. It was one of my favorite things to do actually. Nowadays my brain is in constant fight or flight type of mode and im just anhedonic, don't care for most things.
I don't know why god took this away from me… i don't think i deserved it.


If God took it away from you then just take it back with force. There is no pit you can't crawl out of with enough intelligence and persistence.

Watch anime even if you don't enjoy it that much. Eventually you will find something you will really like. That is how it was with me when I was in a similar situation.


Read the story of Job, this is anti-biblical knowledge. Sometimes effort is not enough and you will fail and suffer regardless.


Go rent some place cheap in a different city. If you stay in the same city your mom will eventually decide to bother you again.

Also once you do move make sure you don't accidentally expose your new location to your mom. Easiest way is to not post about it on social media, which should be simple enough given you don't have friends.


> Sometimes effort is not enough and you will fail and suffer regardless.
True but for most kind of success and pleasure you need a bare minimum of effort to achieve it tho.

Effort doesn't guarantee success but not putting any effort into things is a sure way to make yourself suffer pointlessly.


Anyone disassociate/depersonalize here? It’s been getting worse for me, sometimes during the day I have no idea who what where I am what I’m doing or why. It’ll probably get even worse over time. I remember when I was 16 in some school counseling shit I said if things don’t change by the time I’m 25 I would be done, I’m 24 and a half now (not a true wizard I know) but everything keeps getting worse. I don’t even have friends or any real sex drive anymore, I’m pseudo-neet just bumbling along achieving nothing. I don’t care too much about that but it almost feels like there is no place for me if I don’t care to “make something of myself” in some way or pursue a random hobby/career. Just dead space and dead weight. I’m so tired of thinking 24/7, fixating on nothing. The same nothing, every day. Just over it


I get it in waves. Some weeks I'll be really passionate doing coding or learning whatever, other weeks I'll barely be able to remember people's names or to focus for more than a few seconds.

Ironically my depersonalization gets better with NEETdom, and gets worse when I try to make an effort in life.


I feel derealization since my teens. I have to question the nature of reality every day. Everything feels like a long, long dream to me.

Depersonalization? No, I don't have that. I experience intensive emptiness though. I think I cracked my "self" earlier in life. I don't have a coherent self or personality. Or maybe it lies too deeply now. All I feel is that I take on different masks and behaviors every few weeks or so. I experience the non-self doctrine of buddhism and it scares me.


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nothing is going to work. im the ghost of an abortion. i wish i were free. nothing is going to work.


The universe is too boring to be created by a perfectly good god. I call this the argument from tedium.


Just found out my boomer parents might not have paid their taxes (again). They might be demented or something because I couldn't get any useful information out of them about it. They just started screaming and losing it.

Anyway, any advice for being homeless?


I've been sleeping in my car for 4 days, now. It's not easy. No advice.
Get a gym membership so you can shower. The feeling of being dirty and totally alone will drive you crazy in about 2 days.


hah, I would love some solitude. I don't want to smell though


>The feeling of being dirty and totally alone will drive you crazy in about 2 days.

If having some scuffs on your elbows and not talking to anybody for two days drove you crazy, then I'm sorry and I hope you get the mental heath help you need. But please don't project your personal, irrational anxieties on to other people. I was homeless for a while and it was the best I felt in years. I was getting a good nights rest every night, I was exercising all day, exploring the city, watching my anime backlog on my tablet, and felt safe for every second of the 5 day periods I'd spend not making eye contact with another human being. The only bathing I had was the snow melting on me from the trees above my skin was in great health.

I do have enough self awareness to know that I'm an odd case however. It's this personality and worldview of mine that allowed me to enjoy solitude that also allows me to enjoy my time spent talking to men on Wizchan. I'm responsible though because I don't go telling other guys that homelessness is some sort of blessing, because for them it's probably going to be a struggle above all. And for that reason it's wise to not tell our resident homeless bound that they are going to be crawling in fear and torment through their journeys in the wild. If you do that, impressionable and vulnerable Wizards may begin to believe that fear and insanity is the only state one can observe in being out and alone, barring themselves from finding solutions or copes for feeling better.

Wizzie-kun might be the kind the cower at solitude, or he might not. Don't push him to the more negative side by insisting he will be when he asks for advice on how to get through it. Fearmongering is trolling.


I'm not worried about being alone. I'm worried about being 1.) Out of money 2.) Bored. 3.) Having no where to safely sleep.


How could you go through your entire backlog while homeless? Share some of your homeless experiences with us, if you don't mind.


Libraries tend to have homeless encampments, and you can probably beg for an internet connection to get better bitorrent speed.
bird baths in the library are free, fuck a gym memborship
start practicing while you have a place to store shit, its way easier to go camping than to be homeless
>vulnerable Wizards may begin to believe that fear and insanity is the only state one can observe in being out and alone
>talking about the most common state and experience of homelessness is FUD


Sleeping in your car in 30 degree weather, alone, in the dark is a shitty time. I don't know what to tell you.


Not for a wizard


Eurowizzies our end is near, enjoy your last days.


Economic collapse? Yeah, perhaps, I mean it's got to come true sooner or later.


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It has only just begun


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I think the day I can't NEET will be the day I properly contemplate suicide. Every moment I'm around people is just mental turmoil, I'm a broken not person with chronic insecurities and I just fucking hate myself. I'm less than nothing, I see all these busy body smug humans happy with their place in life and then there's just me, I don't know anyone and I haven't done anything except waste time. I just gave up when I was like 17, I'm 25 now, I just flushed all the time down the toilet. I knew this would happen but I did it anyway, and I know it'll get worse but I won't do anything because I'm fundamentally corrupted, like someone installed a trial version of life on my brain and I can't upgrade or buy a license. I just get to observe and desire and ruminate and torture myself but not experience. I wish I could say I tried but I didn't, it's all too much and I'm too defective. I'm so far removed from the normal experiences of a human it's insane, I can only imagine how nice it must feel to be cool and comfortable in your own skin, engaging with reality and getting positive feedback instead of being an object of derision, I'm starting to hate my online friends for this reason because they're so functional it makes me fucking bitter. I'd like to blame my parents for making me an ugly neurotic freak but in the end it's my fault. I had the self-awareness even back then I just didn't do anything, I do it to myself, but then myself is just an rng spawn of bad genetic traits resulting in the horrible concoction that is me. End blog, this was pointless. Also this has horrible structure and the amount of first person sentences I wrote is embarrassing, yeah I'm a self obsessed vain cunt that's for sure.


the fearmongering about freezing to death is overblown, the last twenty winters have gotten so warm that one more like what used to be normal in the twentieth century would be considered very harsh by today's standards

"oh noes the temperature might drop below 10C ten days at most over the next four months, we're not going to make it" lol
sure if you live in a poorly insulated home or in an actual cold country that's fair, but don't tell me it's an issue anywhere south of let's say, northern/central germany, if the previous years are anything to go by


Presumably Germany agreed to building gas pipelines because it was part of their industrial strategy, and southern states like Spain presumably require higher energy inputs for desalination after their recent drought


I feel that wizbro. I’m sitting alone in a sushi restaurant right now getting drunk reading your post. I used to go out to bars and stuff and embarrass myself trying to date (normie shit I know) but now I don’t even care. As a failed normie I can tr you you’re not missing much from “the next rung up” if that makes sense. I’m basically neet with my dad now. I can’t stand watching YouTube or playing vidya or watching the same old movies anymore. I’ve been contemplating suicide pretty seriously lately. I can’t imagine being happy or staying so busy, caring about bullshit like a family or having a house just to say you “made it” or whatever. I don’t think any of us miss much to be honest. I think it’s all a sham unless you’re that 1 percent lucky as fuck born into a do whatever you want chad life. I think it’s always been shit and unappealing and a long day in day out force


We're all gonna make it failed norm bro. You should read seneca or epicurus, they made me feel better.


I used like philosophy a lot but like you said, I feel so removed from the regular life and experience that I feel it doesn’t apply to the way I live. A lot of the old words and quotes I used to enjoy have no impact anymore. I don’t get why anyone wrote it why I read it or why I should care. I’m pretty mentally ill though. Before I resigned to my failures I used to get something out of it, I found it soothing or brilliant sometimes. Everything’s just one big pile of waste now. Again, I’m mentally ill, I know it all goes hand in hand with that but still. Oh well.


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dear god.
please let me be free. please let me live my life. please let me be myself. if i have a tribe, please let me be together with them. please dont leave me. please let me fulfill my purpose. i dont want help but please dont throw any obstacles that are impossible to overcome on my path, everything went wrong up to now and i think it might be too late no matter what i do now. if i fail, please please let me start over and try again. if i fall too deep and stop believing you, please forgive me, i dont want to be a monster.
everything is monochrome and its freezing but ive never felt so comfortable. ive never felt so comfortable but ive never felt so afraid and unsafe. i just want everything to work. so i hope everything works. thats all.


Philosophy is useless. You have to be naive to a certain extent (ironic) in order to take philosophy seriously. Philosophy is basically the more refined form of religions and mental health couch-ism. It is always done for the sake of feeling better, people who read pessimist writings too feel better because they think calmly that they discovered the Ultimate Truth finally. Not to mention the fact that one can think of himself as an intellectual for reading things that are harder to understand than your average writings. Waste of time.


Not all philosophy is existential.


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It's all just a cope. Religion, philosophy, entertainment, money, sex, fucking all of it just a cope and doesn't matter what you say. We are doomed into a world without meaning or a god. We only crave for desires and copes to avoid the truth of this stupid fucking universe, nothing fucking makes sense and I wanna learn but our brains can't even comprehend on what should we know. It's all fucking bullshit.


Saying it's all cope is a cope. See? I can be retarded too.


Saying this is a cope is also a fucking cope, it's an endless cycle, stop giving a shit about philosophy, religion and life because it clearly doesn't help or give you any happiness. Just live your life and do whatever you want at this point, and if you wanna do nothing and die? Fine go die, this world will never care either way.


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>We only crave for desires and copes to avoid the truth of this stupid fucking universe, nothing fucking makes sense and I wanna learn but our brains can't even comprehend on what should we know.
The brain is an organ at the service of life, an exploratory one to see if the domain of values can be invaded by biology. As of yet it has been unsuccessful and so life remains without meaning, but the brain takes its mission very seriously (as though the entire universe depended on it)


It's over for bloomers and optimists. Pessimists won.


I was talking about philosophy generally. It's a dead end and never been more than that. It's good to occupy yourself with if you are bored or if you find excessive joy in reading other people's opinions but it can't provide you more than that.

Religion and philosophy? Sure. I wouldn't call everything a cope though. You enjoy what you enjoy and do what you like. That's not coping, that is how humans should behave.


Parents fighting again…


Those moments put life in perspective. You want desperately to get away, to be free. But then you remember there's no where to go. You feel so powerless, but at the same time anxious like a trapped animal looking for a way out.

I love being alive!!!


Everything being cope isn't a bad thing though, it's just how life is. I don't really care if you believe in religion or philosophy, or find stuff you enjoy. I'm just mad that there isn't a coherent reason for our existence and I don't know what to do with my life.


>I don't know what to do with my life
Do what you want? Enjoy things you can?


not that anon but there's nothing to enjoy anymore. I'm not in my early twenties anymore where being a NEET was still novel. I'm 30 and yeah, i've stretched out every hobby to the breaking point



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I don't know what I want and nothing really gives me joy besides masturbation or having sexual fantasies which I wouldn't count because our bodies obviously want sex. I don't see a point in anything and nothing gives me joy, it's frustrating and also makes me depressed. I've been like this since I turned 14 and never changed and never became better. Why am I like this? I do not know, I don't know anything anymore…


3 days ago I got woke up being told my dog was going to be put down in an hour. She had gone to the vets the day before and they had found a lump which burst in the night. It didn't look great but she had problems in that area before and I went to bed after saying goodnight to her, assuming antibiotics and an upcoming surgery if it was cancerous. I went to her as fast as possible and was with her when she was put to sleep. I told her what she meant to me before she went. It's been impossible to hold myself together since then. Every few minutes I fall apart. Every where I look in the house I see a place she should be and isn't. All I want to do is go sit some where quiet in a field where no one is around and I shouldn't be expecting her to be. The weather here is very cold and wet, autumn is setting in and sitting outside is causing problems with my health. I'm at a complete loss of how I'm supposed to handle this. For over a decade if something was off, me and her would sit with each other and let things settle. She was my companion and now I can't stop wanting to look for her and wanting to sit with her. It just keeps tearing it's self open over and over. She was the world to me and I'm completely lost without her.


>i've stretched out every hobby to the breaking point
How? I'm certain it is impossible to "stretch" out every hobby in one lifetime, let alone in 30 years only.

Stop masturbating away your life aimlessly - that is your problem. Find something that requires minimal effort or concentration on your part to give you some satisfaction, like reading books or anything.


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I might aswell stop masturbating anyways, I don't care anymore. I just want to feel happy and i'll probably do anything to get that feeling. That's all I fucking want this whole time was love and happiness.


I accompanied my mom when she went to buy something and at some point along the endless small talk the salesman asked me what my job was and I was like a neety in the headlights. Mom said I'm looking for jobs (lol) and he said they are desperate for new hires. He claimed to have seen someone who looks like me at his salesman school but then said maybe it was at a club where I surely go. Even asked my age and I again told my near 30 age. Psychologists would try to gaslight me otherwise but I think he sniffed me out and pounced. I should have just stayed in my room, but it seems I am a retard incapable of learning.


They aren't desperate for hires. Don't worry. He's lying out his fat wagecuck ass.


My mother one time kept talking to a Walmart employee whos around her age saying that they're looking for people and desperate for hires. That same succubi literally interviewed me and rejected me, I fucking this hate stupid job culture, just let me work so I can take care of myself for fucks sake.


I'm sure he just wanted to flirt with you, probably gay or bisex.
But yes, I know that hilarious feeling when your family tries to save your "honor" by inventing lies. As if being a NEET is something one needs to be ashamed of. Funny as hell. I don't feel any shame, never felt any concerning being a NEET leech on my family.

Basic pleasures can't give you long term satisfaction. Eating, drinking, sleeping, jerking off…these things get old fast if you indulge in them too much.

The obligatory wiz-friendly and wiz-compatible hobby is watching and reading fiction. Or just generally watching and reading stuff.


Watching YouTube and reading imageboards is not the same as what you are implying it is you are doing


I don't enjoy fapping anymore. It's just not pleasurable or fun.
like once, maybe twice a month I'll be getting distracted and knock out a load as quickly as possible to keep my head clear and dong controlled. I think I've posted about this before but not recently (AKA I'm not the anon from a few days ago. This is probably a common issue.)

Any cunt saying "oh nofap so good 4 u" is full of shit. I don't want to fap because I'm just miserable, brutally unmotivated, and in a way I feel like I don't deserve to feel pleasure or happiness. And I'm so disgusted by myself, my life, and my body. This is definately increasing risk of prostate cancer, but why would I care about this? By the nature of wageslavery, my completely-despised social status, or my own hand, I'll be dead in 10 years maximum.

I yearn for those teenage years when I spent weekends playing WoW and jacking off. Both made me happy in ways I didn't need to rationalize or explain. Now I just hate everything and everyone, especially myself. I am a machine built from flesh. Organic calculator.
Seriously need a quick&painless death. Not looking forward to "the holiday (christmas) season". Besides family bullshit I'm a filthy wageslave and I know what's coming.

thx 4 reading my blog


Same. I remember I had a masturbation renaissance when I started abusing amphetamine. But even that didn't last and even on speed I don't feel any pleasure jerking off.

I think it's the passing of age and degradation of the mind. We are brain-damaged.


Yeah bro utopia would be so boring, so awful. Suffering makes life worth living aha ha. We’re just beings that can’t stand utopia, we want to break things. Man utopia would be a real prison… yeah… I’m a neet who doesn’t work… oh that makes you mad… you should punish me with a utopia aha ha it would really teach me


is it even possible to live without electricity/electronics?
Im starting to feel very psychitic about using electricity or rather,about not-using it. I even start to dread the use of fire(oil or candles,for example).


>is it even possible to live without electricity/electronics?

I don't think any human beings in history have done that.


Is there any religion which bans fiction? Fictional writing,drawings,etc. Islam in its more extreme branches maybe? Or some sect of puritan calvinism?
fiction is a super-human thing,I think to be a true misantrophe,who will die far from any "human comfort", then not only technology is to be rejected,but Fiction also.


Islam has a lot of strange restrictions on it but I don't think they have a full ban.


I quit SSRIs 3 months ago

I still have
Brain zaps
Profuse Sweating

All normalfag doctors will be sentenced to a hell of being sick for eternity, and every time they complain to a demon the demon ignores their complaints and tells them to take ibuprofen.


Watching Youtube and reading chans is the same as masturbation. They are addictive, give pleasure almost instantly but their contents are just worse than actual movies or books. When watching a movie or reading a book you need to concentrate on the same thing for a while so these are more rewarding than watching youtube or browsing chans.

Fiction is the best thing humanity managed to come up with. Why would you want to abandon it for this world, this reality?


Yeah the doctors really scammed us big time, I can't quit my SNRI or else not only will I have brain zaps and all that shit. But I will have extreme irritability and anxiety too the point I can't look people in the face/eyes. I got fucked and I don't care anymore, this world is complete and utter garbage now.


I went to my doctor to complain about the SSRI withdrawal. He said "SSRI withdrawal doesn't last that long" and laughed and shook his head.

These "people" are mindless pharmabots.


Yeah I don't like doctors as much anymore. One tried to get me circumcised so badly for some strange reason, I found it clown world and didn't really expect doctors to be so bad. Even doctors don't even care about low test levels anymore either, it's strange.


Mom keeps talking about how screwed I'll be after she dies. I think she will either kill me or kill herself. I don't think she has the guts to kill me so it'll probably be herself.


My mom says the same. She doesn't know I'll be relieved when she dies.


Whenever I encounter cruel abusive people it only reminds me how they will live much happier and meaningful lives than me. I don’t mean any wealth, I don’t mean any social success, I don’t mean appearances or material things. They will have more meaning than me, they will experience more spirituality than men, they will experience more socially valuable moments than me, they will experience achievement and goals more than me, they will have more moments of quiet reflective contentment than me. The supposed effects of their cruelty and abuse may reduce their positive experiences, but that reduced amount is still more than mine.

I was ensnared by western Buddhists who teach you to wish people well, hope they overcome the hope that causes people to act cruel. Wish happiness for all human beings. After years you can only take so much, languishing in mental suffering while those who act on all ill intentions can access more of the meaningful world than you. And if you voice it, they blame you for comparing the situations as if that is causing the issue - no I refrained from doing so for years. This is a post-event analysis of reality - not a neurotic fixation that circularly causes the issue.

Depression is a true poison - the kind that strips the ability to function and the ability to experience meaning or value in life. My depression cycles so I know depressive states are not the same as normal states people experience, I know the world other people live in for their lives and it’s better.

And you’re alone because most people don’t experience this. The man screaming abuse at his employees may pick up a book tomorrow and become a spiritual soul. There is no inbetween where they experience the lack of humanity. The world is unbalanced to the last scrap of consciousness, there is no rule that can make existence feel ok for all of us. Suicide and death are the only real blunt force reality - and I hope they’re truly the end.


I know this too. But I have an older sister who has no family of her own so maybe she will take care of me after my parents are gone though I don't trust her and don't want to rely on her.

Most likely I will just go homeless or kill myself without my parents.

All religions are like that. I know because I am ex-christian. Everything is your fault, blah blah, why aren't you more humble/meek/social, etc. Religions always try to justify the world and its injustices or sufferings. 'It is karma' 'It is God's will so shut up' 'It's your own fault that you are depressed because you don't embrace God fully' ETC.

Religion truly is the cancer of humanity.


Every second middle aged white succubus addicted to SSRIs and SNRIs talks about it like its an abusive relationship kek. They have a sad regretful tone about it, they know they're fucked.

I was addled on the shit as a teen and I came off after three years, I think that's about the borderline of possible without serious long term damage. It was the most horrific pain of my life, suffering without stop for three months straight.


Did you know the second biggest correlation with shut in NEETdom is an anti-social personality/lack of empathy? The first is of course depression, but the second is being a shitty person. I get people in depressive states always make the comparison to sociopaths for some reason, but like, increasingly those cruel and abusive people aren't normalfags. A good portion are strung out on meth and are probably experiencing a suffering beyond what you are, or in their arrogance and parasitism they sit around in their room and sulk. Thinking they're smart and special being "redpilled" on /pol/.

The suicides I've come across in my lifetime have been from those types. One was like I said, burning through menial labor jobs, smoking meth, browsing the internet all day, living with his parents, never seeing his kids. He was as arrogant and self absorbed as you could get, and a thieft. The last time anyone seen him he said he just locks himself in his room and comes out once a week for fish and chips and groceries, the last post he had on facebook was desperately calling out for someone to hang out with him.

The happiest people are sociable normalfags. They mostly live and exist in a plane above the angry fucks with no impulse control. Part of the reason cruel abusive people go through so much effort to start a small business they can barely run, is because they're so discontent with themselves and feel jarring insecurity working for someone else. And the people they employ are typically broken depressives, teens or druggies.


Give me a desire. Any desire will do. I'll collect stamps. Just give me any desire to do anything besides sit here.


I just can't anymore
quick painless death please


>Did you know the second biggest correlation with shut in NEETdom is an anti-social personality/lack of empathy?
>they're so discontent with themselves and feel jarring insecurity working for someone else
And what's wrong with that?


I think you mean asocial, not anti-social.

>in their arrogance and parasitism they sit around in their room and sulk.

Do you know what website you're on?

>browsing the internet all day, living with his parents

Living with parents is bad because ???? oh, America!


he mentioned fish and chips. he's from bri-ain


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i reached the end. there is no one else. just me in the entire world. there are no more desires. only truth. there is much light. and water. the sky is clear and vast. there is so much order.
i would like to know the best words to explain myself, but i have no idea how to even start to describe what i feel.


>those cruel and abusive people aren't normalfags

>smoking meth

>never seeing his kids (!!!)
>the last post he had on facebook was desperately calling out for someone to hang out with him
This sounds like textbook example of what a normalfag is. Especially the fact that he had children surely could have given you the sign that he wasn't exactly a wizard.

>Did you know the second biggest correlation with shut in NEETdom is an anti-social personality/lack of empathy?

Did you know that anti-social personality/lack of empathy describes pretty much everyone? Breaking news but people are assholes. Living as a NEET shut-in won't make you a psychopath by itself.


how do i make the endless mental pain end? it never goes away. make it go away i wanna feel okay for once.


I applied to Walmart, Mcdonalds, Wendys, some random grocery store, you name it. Got rejected from all of them. Now back in school to get my degree.

How the fuck do people even find work?


Figure out what causes it, remove the cause, no different than physical pain.


I read it on papers on internet addiction, the most severe shut in cases had a 44% percent incidence of an anti-scoial personality. It makes sense, a parasitic lifestyle is mostly associated with sociopathy, alongside poor impulse control.

>they're so discontent with themselves and feel jarring insecurity working for someone else

There's nothing wrong with it, but they're often putting in 2x the effort and dealing with 3x the stress just to make an extra $10,000-20,000 a year.
This MDE skit captures it perfectly, it's not even an exaggeration for the worst of them.

The difference between that and a more temperate normalfag, who leverages himself into a do-nothing job that pays a high wage while browsing facebook all day is just absurd.


I got a phone call from KFC a year after I applied telling me I had the job kek.


How do you pay for it? Wasn't needing money the reason to look for a job?


>I read it on papers on internet addiction, the most severe shut in cases had a 44% percent incidence of an anti-scoial personality. It makes sense, a parasitic lifestyle is mostly associated with sociopathy, alongside poor impulse control.

That's just bullshit pseudo-science again to trick people into doing something that is naturally undesirable, in this case wageslavery. There is nothing wrong with being a "parasite".


Anyone else engage in alot of pvp combat in games? (Engage mean players/bullies harassing others)?


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I AM the mean player and the bully which harasses others


it's a lot of fun finding ways to annoy or torture other players


That's the only reason I play games anymore.

To troll, annoy, harass and power abuse.


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Suicide eh? That would give me great pleasure doc, a great pleasure indeed.


It's over




Just woke up
I immediately feel the burden of existence as soon as I open my eyes


No. I don't touch pvp shit. I don't feel anything good when I win and I want to kill myself when I lose. I also find that there are very few opportunities to troll and goof around in those kinds of games nowadays besides just outright griefing and teamkilling which isn't really funny.


I'm bored
I'm constantly bored
I don't know how to escape boredom
Nothing entertains me anymore
I wanna die


I don't even play games anymore. Or watch anime. I don't even know what it is I do in my free time, it all just flows away in what feels like mere seconds.


I am extremly addictive towards any kind of pleasure. Porn, alcohol, substances, LDAR. It's the only thing that ever gave me anything. I tried other stuff but it's all completely pointless.


Have you tried weightlifting and other intense exercise? Everyone who does it gets addicted because of how good it feels. It can be done for free too!


Thanks for the motivation, I wish it was that easy. And even if that works I am not sure whether it would free from my other addictions. I want to become an independent and intellectually invested mind but I just can't seem to care. My iq is also noit helping, I am about 120 yet I just feel dumb and retarded all the time and I can't help it. Also I am drunk and don't know what I am trying to achieve here.


I'm going to keep doing drugs despite them not helping and actually causing me a lot of pain


Life is so painful. It's just endless stream of suffering and escapism.


Why do I feel 1000x times worse when I do something I'm supposed to do, like getting a job, going to the gym or learning something, all of these make me feel like absolute dogshit and being idle, LDARing feels a thousand times better.

Is this paradoxical? I tried googling people who may share a similar state but all the normals on reddit say they feel bad and call themselves useless. I am not like this.


I'm the same honestly. It's fucked. I tried several times to become a normal and I fucking resented it each time.


It's because subconsciously you do not have any reason to do normigger stuff.


i can relate youre not alone. i only know like 1 person and barely. my self esteem was and is so low that i just hide away.


thats what you get for trusting the jew docs. i knew they were all liars from the start and quit my ssris like 15 years ago after only taking them for 2-3 years in middle school.


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>Share some of your homeless experiences with us, if you don't mind.
My experience is inapplicable to most others' situations as I was getting mad NEETbux at the time, but I did learn a lot about having a good nap in the snow and also watching anime while in the snow.

The basic of it is:
>Gotta keep warm
>Gotta keep dry
The cavebrain in all of us goes straight to fire as a solution, but that's neanderthal tier and will get us arrested on Earth 2022. Space is cold and wet but Nazi scientists found out how to keep a man cozy in the vacuum of the void, so we just need to take their tech.
>Winter-rated sleeping bag + Winter-rated seeping mat
>Tarp from the Dollar General
And that's it. The bag and mat reflect enough body heat to safely sleep in -30c. It can get chilly, but not enough to have the "core shakes" experiences with dangerous exposure. The tarp does tarp stuff. A simple thermal under layer, a surplus combat parka, fluffy socks, water-resistant boots, soft gloves, hat. Basically what you'd wear to keep warm while shoveling a driveway will also keep you warm when panhandling on one.

Left pics are of a tent I made from tarps and document clips and string. An umbrella and foil Emergency Bivvy can be observed. The umbrella was for walking and the bivvy to throw all my stuff in to quickly in case of a bug-out.

Right pics are when I found an abandoned garage. With a roof over my fat ass I didn't need any tent at all. The walls and windows were all busted and it was in the middle of a bare field so there was a lot of wind and snow, but even at -30c I was still snug. I put a Amazon Basics tent down that was too short for me, but just because there was bird poo everywhere. The bag was a model for feeder bigwizards so there was a lot of wiggle roof to keep me, my wiztech, and food+drinks in there with me even when sitting up. Diagram of sit included.

So a good summary of my survival philosophy is "Just throw money at it". Even pennies. No nomad no matter how mad should deprive himself of security by foregoing his responsibility to prepare a basic-needs survival kit. This can be done any time, over time, but can't always be done IN time. So any wizards who think they'll be homeless, or who can't see past the fog of the future far enough to know what will become of them after their parents vanish in to the mist: Just buy something you may need to survive in the wide world. If you'll need it later, that means you need it now. Of course, if you know you'll be getting bumbux after going feral, then you can relax. Hobos from all over the US will take a Greyhound to California just because the state gives the ungovernables like $700 each month, and that can buy a lot of Doritos and whatever else a Wizard needs to survive.

I blogged about this a few times now so I don't think I'll post about my comfy open-air sleep experiment until I try it again.


Theres a social event today at school. I think I am just going to skip it and run experiments, because I will just be depressed buzzkill.

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