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 No.270716[View All]

Post here when you don't have enough to say for a topic and it's too depressing for the general crawl thread.

Previous: >>269378
192 posts and 17 image replies omitted. Click reply to view.

 No.271874

>>271873
>I think I will be living at most 2.5 more years
See you next three years.

 No.271875

>>271874
Maybe. I could flake out. I have severe cardiovascular damage though, so at the very least I'll be punished for larping.

 No.271877

>>271875
>I have severe cardiovascular damage though

From what? What symptoms?

 No.271878

>>271877
Yes. Heart palpitations, intense beating, rapidly growing tinnitus, nail clubbing, heartbeat in my ears, I get out of breath just by standing up, taking a shower causes me to go out of breath etc.
You'll probably go "tsch, sounds like you're out of shape" so I'll add the reason I believe all the symptoms are connected: they began after I was put in the cardiac ICU for a few days after I attempted suicide. I never bothered to go to appointments cause I was going to attempt suicide again. I did, it failed, and then I decided to change my mind about the suicide shit.

 No.271880

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I can't explain how lonely and depressed I am anymore. Everything feels unreal, like a endlessly copied simulation about nothing, repeating forever, burned into the retinas of my eyes. There's nothing left to live for, all media is inherently soulless consumerist garbage at its core despite my addiction to it. I'm afraid to live and I'm too pussy to kill myself (yet). I wish I could focus enough to read books or something but that's also just another form of escapism and one that requires magnitudes of mental effort to concentrate on for hours without getting bored and distracting myself. I want to live, I have to, but I don't even know where to start. Join the Army? Go to Prison? these are options but I'm far too timid to even seriously consider them. I'm a rotten husk of a real person - one that never stood a chance.

I went to a local park recently and was on the verge of tears from the black and white melancholy of my surroundings and life. I'm just a spectator in life without any purpose. My childhood was marked with abuse and now I'm an adult that should be dead.

 No.271882

>>271878
Panic disorder can have the same symptoms and you could easily have given yourself this from the severe trauma you faced during suicide. Only a doctor will know if it's serious… Heart troubles are something you want to get looked at…

 No.271883

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Welp, I thought things would be different, but sadly, I am here again.
How did you wizzies do these last years? This decade has been quite rocky for me

 No.271884

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>>271880
I feel exactly the same wiz, I just stare at the sky and ponder existence. I feel so empty and bored, I just don't feel anything anymore. I simply exist just to consume and pay taxes at this point, I don't even talk to anyone anymore…

 No.271885


 No.271886

>>271878
did you change your mind because you dont want to die, or because you want to live, or both

 No.271888

I've been feeling incredibly restless. I haven't even watched anything in a few months because every time I try I end up feeling too restless and stopping. I will spend all day scrolling and clicking because of this feeling but can't do anything more involved. It's getting worse too. This morning I woke up and it was so strong I just had to pace around for a while.

 No.271889

>>271888
i am experiencing exactly the same thing, i also talk to myself constantly

 No.271890

>>271882
Not going to.
>>271886
I don't know. All I know is that if I wanted to be dead, I would be dead. Every day I regret not dying that day. When I was slipping out of consciousness I just thought, "It's finally over." I was happy. But how could I want to die if I am still alive?
I sort of think I'm being punished by a higher power for trying to "waste" my life. It's for that reason that I have made a plan to "trade" it instead. I can't talk about the specifics on the internet or I will become quickly unable.

 No.271891

>>271890
selling organs?

 No.271894

>>271891
lmfao let me contact my local organ harvester

 No.271898

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Tempted to start doing audio diaries again. It's frustrating that after all these years I still can't find people who can describe their experience as an older depressed loser in a way I relate to? People who have tried lots of things with little success. How are they so rare.

 No.271929

I should've taken the phrase "ignorance is bliss" much more seriously

 No.271937

>>271898
most people are stuck for life in the first thing that works for them, going out of the way to try new things is only reserved for elites and people with nothing to lose

 No.271943

>>271858
I'm tired of rotting. I wish I cared about something.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

 No.271945

>>270716
Going to be getting a DNR soon. I actually scheduled it before finding out that in my state I need to have a terminal illness or that the physician must believe that resuscitation would be medically futile. (What I read before was that anyone could do it if they want to, but it "isnt recommended") There is almost nothing on the internet about this, so is there any way that I can convince the physician that it would be so? I am assuming they'll be relatively easy to convince with
>I just really don't want to wake up with major reductions in QoL, and my heart's not really up to par anyway.
Or such things.

 No.271947

>>271276
Agreed but don't forget to add hyperinvidualism into the factor as well.

 No.271951

Why?

 No.271952

>>271951
Just do it.
Life is worthless.

 No.271953

>>271951
Keep going lil' wizbro. You're gonna make it.

 No.271955

>>271951
Why not?

 No.271957

>>271953
What does it mean to "make it"?

 No.271958

>>271957
Reach the point where your circumstances are acceptable.

 No.271963

Want to die

 No.271964

Life, it seems, will fade away
Drifting further, every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters, no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

 No.271965

>>270716
I envy people who still feel emotions. I hate being in a current state of blankness, working out and doing things doesn't even give me joy. What's the point of being alive again?

 No.271971

I really hate my mother sometimes. A man can't show weakness. When i talk about taking time off from work because of my burnout/depression i'm met with silence. Those silences i've endured all my life when i talk about my pain. ALWAYS, ALWAYS those silences followed by a different subject. All succubi, whether they bore you or the on the streets are malignant Viper Baal acolytes.

 No.271972

>>271971
What response were you expecting?

 No.271986

>>271971
>mom when I was depressed and suicidal
>Told me to just hurry up and kill myself to my face
>mom when I'm doing well
>presents and phone calls asking to come and see her more

I think they just have infanticide instincts towards guys that have fucked up at life.

 No.271990

I fucking hate cars. I hate carheads, I hate the culture, I hate how I need to have one to hold a job, I hate how cities are planned around the fucking things.

I'm tired of doing repairs, I'm tired of them breaking down, I just want a decent one that fucking works.

 No.271999

>>271990
This but luckily my car hasn't broken down (yet). It came with 117k miles and I'm at 129k right now. I've got an oil and filter change coming up and I gotta get new windshield wiper blades too.

 No.272001

>>271986
She wanted you to kys because she didn't want to have to spend any money on you. She wants presents and phone calls when you're doing well because that way she can emotionally manipulate you for stuff. A lot of female behavior makes sense if you think in the most cynical, selfish way possible.

 No.272004

>>271999
Let me guess, a Honda or Toyota?

 No.272005

>>271990
use bicycle. yeah it also requires some maintenance but it's far easier than with cars so you could roughly say a good bicycle doesn't fail

 No.272010

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>>271990
I love cars but normalfags took all the joy out of them over the last century. With some exceptions in manufacturing and materials science cars and computers are examples of technological regress and degeneration in our time, as you're experiencing

 No.272012

>>272004
Toyota :p

 No.272014

>>271986
All people are like this. Even if you just limp because you have a sore foot, then evolution has that type of impact - avoid the burden of the weak/sick, become the burden to the strong

 No.272031

I am a quadriplegic and will be 27 years old in 2 months. When I was 18 I choked and couldn't swallow, or rather I was afraid to swallow and wanted to die so badly that I used that to die of hunger. I spent a year on soup and lost many kilos, so many that I reached 21 kilos. When I was 19 years old, my family collected 300 reais to pay for a consultation with a specialist in dystrophy, this consultation saved me because I was prescribed vitamins, there were several, but I only remember the D. By the way, I will send an email to the doctor to thank her for saving me, I thank God every day for having let me be born in this family.

Since then I have been optimistic, most of the time I have managed to be, nevertheless, at the end of 2022 I faced a strong depressive crisis. Since the 23rd of December I wake up thinking that I have to take this drug for one more day, and during the day I have intrusive thoughts, what a shitty life, Lord, why don't you free me from this suffering right now? I avoid thinking about what if, but in those moments it is very difficult not to and I end up rambling, idealising this supposed life.

To tell you the truth, I'm tired of keeping it all in my head, of pretending to my family that I'm fine. But the reality is: why tell them? I am poor, I cannot afford treatment. It's just me, my mother and my sister on a minimum wage and a pension of, if I'm not mistaken, 500 reals. Maybe my family would help pay for a psychologist, it's a possibility, but I don't know if I can break the image of the happy and smiling boy, despite the difficulties they have with me.

 No.272032

>>272031
Would be a sad story if you weren't a Brazilian. You deserve it

 No.272033

>>272032
t. mutt

 No.272034

>>272032
You are nor a real Wizard.
Go back.

 No.272035

>>272034
I'm a thirty year old virgin NEET, you leave.

 No.272049

>>272032
Keep in mind that everywhere is going to shit. If you're European, you're likely to end up as irrelevant as Brazil in a couple decades. If you're American, probably one decade.

 No.272080

>>272031
>I was afraid to swallow and wanted to die so badly that I used that to die of hunger

I'm >>271664 and have a similar problem. Did it ever go away? I'm currently coping it with it by eating certain foods since I figured out texture is what triggers it. Even ate a little bit of bread by chowing it down then combining it with a spoonful of greek yoghurt. If my brain thinks it's smooth, it just goes right down the hatch but if it thinks it's even a little bit dry or clunky, it just holds back with my tongue. My only hope is being able to train myself out of it but I'm scared it's never going to go away completely.

I'm definitely eating a lot less and it pains me when my family brings food I just can't eat like burgers or hot dogs or anything bready. Not starving tho, but I was in a similar panic mode at first and just refused to eat because it made me anxious. Now I'm calmer but the reflex stays nonetheless…

 No.272086

>>271664
>>272080
learn how to do the heimlich on yourself with a chair and perhaps that will ease your anxiety. ultimately i went on anxiety meds but i used to eat in the mornings or when drunk so my brain wasn't online enough to panic

 No.272088

holy shit there are so many layers of bullshit and tedium involved with just living life.


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