/dep/ - Depression

>>273773
so so so…how do i actually do it? I'm kinda running out of time, the train tracks are so close, always were. I found the missing piece to calm myself - i have more xanax to numb all my feelings than i'd need. But I still don't know how to do the final step. I have health problems that i can't diagnose that can damage me and i'll be unable to perform, so that is a problem. And in around 50 days i'm going to have more different problems. I need to avoid going to prison/hospital/some other place where i'm gonna get confined and lose my only chance out of hell at all costs.

I got trolled i lol just now. I hate that degenerate game.

Regular reminder, life is easy as shit when you’re not depressed. Don’t believe these fuckers who say everyone is suffering, they aren’t. When depression goes 99.9% of stuff is easily manageable.
Do not waste your time with people online, even wizchan is overrun with people who haven’t experienced depression and then normalcy.

>>273856
I suppose i've always been depressed then, even though im over 30. I experienced life as hard even when i was 12

im considering moving to a shanty town\slums
Possible advantages:
>free water, free light, possibly no taxes of trash pickup or etc
>cheap ,street food
>possibility of gibs
of course I WONT give up my from-home good-income job and the already disabilitybux I have.

Depression makes you so weak and emotional. If I could be angry all the time life would be so much better. I've tried but my mind just gets weak and I crumple up and everything feels like a hot poker being pushed through my skull. When I can get angry dismissing other people life is better.

I hate my life

>>273863
I've found just the opposite. Being angry all the time sucks. Pretty much everything anyone says is the stupidest thing you've ever heard in your life. You're constantly biting your tongue to keep from lashing out at morons for caring about the idiotic things they care about. You'd honestly rather smash someone's face in with a tire iron than say you ever met them.
It's all so tiresome.

>>273913
Irritability is a common depression syndrome

>>273914
Possibly. It's March in Michigan and it's still snowing. Everybody's depressed to some extent.

>>273914
It's pretty much one of the main ones. In Eastern Asia, Depression is more seen as an anger disease in men. They have their own terminology for it and more focus on people being insecure and irritable than just depressed.

almost 3 weeks now since mom has been gone. Starting to adapt very slowly, cooking some meals now instead of relying entirely on frozen food and pizza delivery. Tomorrow I'll have to start the legal process and call the lawyer that has her will; it's old, made when I was a child after my father died. Likely it listed my late grandparents as getting everything so I might have to go to probate court to get the house. As far as I know she never made a more recent one.

I might not even get the house as she was medicaid and I just found out they basically take your property if you die while on it to repay themselves for your care. If that happens then I think I'm checking out at some point, even with money I don't think I could adapt to life in an apartment.

>>273919
Careful man, you'll get banned for pining for succubi like that on here, it's against the rules.

But I feel you, I don't know why pajeets are so hated in the west.

>>273913
It sucks and has downsides compared to being able to manage your emotions, but being angry is better than vulnerable.

I'm turning 30 next month and I'm planning on dying. I'm not scared, I know there's nothing after I go and other dead people don't seem to mind being dead.

It's been a shit life. Goodbye.

>>273928
Later wiz

as part (or as WHOLE) of my Great Last Adventure I will mix : travelling the Country with roller-blades,skate and bicycle ,with hitciking with coachsurfing
I will try to live off food banks\soup kitches.
lets see how long I can last…supposedly someone of my body comp and health can survive a 20 day fast before organs start getting damage

is it worth it doing maddening intense work for a couple ' years to buy this stuff and ,thus, be able to stay in tip-top shape without leaving the house?
I already work from home, pay (((taxes))) online, Im trying to build a self-sustaining home garden.
I want to become a truly hermit,hermit.

>>273936

Don't waste your time with cardio, wiz.

Get some dumbbells and a bench and maybe a barbell for squatting. muscle consumes more energy than fat, if you get your eating right you'll get pretty strong/buff in like 2 years

>>273938
why do you reply seriously to that poster

Someone put a bullet in my brain

>>273936
Never start off with these expensive handholding machines. Strength is built through struggle so fewer mechanisms designed to make things comfortable for you are better. The stairmaster for example, you can just use stairs, or better yet a bumpy dirt hill. You can ride a real bike, and run on real grass. Rows can be done with some inexpensive resistance bands. >>273938 is right. Strength training IS cardio with the added benefit of building mass. Any time you push your muscles to the limit, your heart and lungs work harder too.

If you want to start a garden, just tilling the land by hand will be a good workout. Don't settle for baby steps. Push yourself to your limit right away and then aim to go beyond that with every session.

>>273942
He asked a question about fitness, finances, and his goals of finding peace while he has time alone. He asked it on a place where replies of any length or substance are encourgaed. Tell us what it is about him that you see makes him undeserving of a reply.

>>273945
that poster is a clown. how new are you? just look at the other posts he made
>>273935
>>273862
>>273937
>>273932

he's been spamming his schizo fantasies for years

>>273948
He has wanderlust and strives to find ways to lead a simple life. That's not "schizo" you normalfag. Go use your mod tools to delete CP instead of trolling normal users.

>>273949
yeah you're definitely new here lol.

>>273919
Some skinny Indian guy was one of the most popular guys in our high school. He was class president and all that shit. Everyone loved him. Ultimately it is not a death sentence. You're probably just weird and quiet so you ended up alone. It's not as though you are cursed because of your race.

>>273936
you can buy a bike desk for about $600 with all the addons to make it livable. Since running will destroy your joints long term pedalbiking is the only one you need. Row machines are noisy and basically just low intensity endurance work… get a rowboat

>>273936
Invest in a punching bag instead. Very good workout. Also get a pullup bar. That way you can do pullups, and hanging leg raises. Pushups and jump squats are good too. If you do all those you have a combination of cardio and strength training for the whole body. Don't listen to those guys telling you to ignore cardio, you need both and cardio is actually more important for health.

Everyday I see less and less reason to post yet I feel lonelier as time goes on. More than that, fatigue and widespread bodily pain is consuming me. I just wish I could know if my dying mind and soul is killing my body, or if my dying body is killing my mind and soul.

I usually post in the wageslave threads but I've been feeling kinda down. I got laid off from my job this week and now I have nothing to do except wait for unemployment to kick in and meanwhile search for jobs online. Which kinda sucks cause I actually enjoyed my job, but I guess its true what they say, be careful about making your job your whole purpose. I do go exercise regularly so that's something I guess, but I have no idea what to fill up the rest of my day with. Should I go volunteer somewhere while I have time? I get depressed staying at home indoors all day with nothing to do, so I've been making an effort to go to the nearby college I used to attend and read the books in the library there and work on my laptop just to have an excuse to leave my room. Surprisingly it helps me feel like I'm doing something productive with my time.

>>273963
i'm afraid i can't help since i'm the kind of person that's afraid of leaving the house, but i'm always amazed when i see posts like this. That's when i notice the difference in functioning even in the places where theoretically the biggest misfits of society go to.

>>274019
The biggest misfits become homeless, go to jail, and less often now since Reagan closed all the asylums, but used to there too. Don't worry, many men are marginalized to the point of finding it difficult to integrate and find work. If you want an academic text on it, you could try Men Without Work, I read (part of) it based on a recommendation on this board

Life is so boring

I think I caught an STD from using a public bathroom. I got some dark pimples on my balls. Just my fucking luck. This isn't fair, man. There are normies who fuck like rabbits and they never catch anything and I as a virgin get some shit from using a toilet. I should just fucking kill myself at this point, man. Fucking Demiurge doesn't give me break, this is too fucking much, bro. I can't handle this anymore.

>>274066
1 in 8 or 1 in 4 people have herpes

>>274066
Wait, so you sat on the toilet? I never do that, come to think of it, I never shit outside my own toilet.

I’m sick and sleeping 20 hours a day
It’s nice

This is never going to get better.

anyone else going to attempt 72 hours fast-from-sleep to Reality Shift?
its a last resource,a desperate attempt at having a LIFE.
I just want to be the most beautiful pretty boy in the world

I just want to sleep forever. I hate waking up.

>>274150
Good luck.

dear god, please help me. please hear my prayers.
all i want from this life is, i just want to live to be 60 or so. i want to always have a tiny place to live, just enough calories so i dont starve to death, electricity, a computer with an internet connection, my pdf collection, and at least 5 hours of free time a day on average. thats all i ask for, at least its all i need to get a little enjoyment from life before dying. i want to read a lot, thats all. i think its too late to do anything useful with my life. so i just want to read as many textbooks as possible.
i wish i could spend several decades living in a library, reading math textbooks for at least 14 hours a day, completely immersed in them, without another care in the world. that would be the best thing ever.
i dont know. i think i wanted to be a mathematician. if not then an artist, if not then a musician. im broken, im mentally ill, im a subhuman. but precisely because im defective, theres something different inside me when it comes to these things. all i wanted from life was to explore that sixth sense, that intuition, that vision, but i never got to.
i lost my youth. my youth has been erased by a combination of meds and terrorist parenting. i dont even remember most of my youth, it felt like i was in a comma. i didnt have a youth, i never grew up, i have the same mind as a 4 year old, you can see that in my wording right? i never got to be a child. i wanted to be a child. i dont mean it in a way like, i wanted to play videogames, or have discord friends. i wanted to dedicate my whole youth to studying, thats all. now i cant catch up, i cant be myself. i dont know, from day one in school i was different. i was scary. scary. but i was soon put on meds, and they destroyed my mind, and i lived in violent households, there was never any stability, just fear and terror. so i lived like a slave. a slave. for the best and most precious 20 years of my life. all i wish is that i could have that time back.
god it hurts so much. i feel like i have a purpose but i cant fulfill it. i have to prove im real but i cant get to. it hurts thinking of everything that could have been. i dont know how to describe this, i have something immaterial that no one else has but i dont have material things that everyone else has so i cant "make it", i have trouble being myself. i dont know, im screaming, please help me god, im at the bottom of the well, i really want to get out, please please believe me, please give me a chance, i beg you. im trying to do my part, but you cant abandon me, please. dont blame me.
im fixing my mind. i wish i could describe how it feels. its the best feeling ever. i feel unlimited mental freedom. i can imagine anything. i feel like a supercomputer. theres so much speed. i feel like falling into an eternal trance. this is a drug and i want more and more of it. its a healing and nice kind of drug. i feel a lot of power. to be honest it makes me feel like i have already lived long enough. because ive recovered my old self. and in the end i reencountered myself. i got to experience my old mental freedom for just one moment. thats enough, thats all that matters, everything that happens from now is just a bonus.
im so afraid of the future, of things like making ends meet, i dont know. i really just want to live to be old and read as many books as possible before i die. if possible make things.
im different. no one believes me, but im different. i will probably never get to prove so, but its provable. i have a will, a spirit or essence. more than anything, i have a purpose. i have a mission. ive been sent to this world for a purpose. its not about me, its about what i must do. i can do things other people cant do. things that are very hard or impossible for other people are easy to me. i have sights to show you. i want to make so many things. and it hurts imagining all the things i could make and knowing ill probably never get to make them.
i want to be free. thats all. i know what i want but i cant explain it in a word other than freedom. its not freedom itself, its something ill do with it.
i want to be myself. i dont care if no one knows who i am, or that no one believes me, i want to be myself, i know who i am, im real and i exist.
i dont know. i tried typing a text. but i cant express myself with words. this is retarded but i spent hours trying to find the right words. im tired and i give up. im mentally crippled. im sorry.

>>274152
Schizo word salad is back on the menu, lads.

It's my favorite part of my day, sad time! I used to indulge in this all day, every day. Now those days are just a warm memory. No, the true suffering starts now.

>>274155
Just reschedule

I hate everything about this world, and have had these feelings for quite some time. I tend to isolate myself (as you would know) but it's of no help. Is there any way to reconcile this? I doubt there is.

I wish I could run away from my depression

Okay I am not gonna lie sometimes I think I can sweat out my depression, if I run hard enough and stop being ugly I can somehow be better

>>274156
Sad time came and went. Now, it's happy time.

there are no joys in life

>>274152
If prayers worked, there would be no problems in this world.

>go to sleep at 7pm
>wake up at 8am
>go back to sleep
>sleep till 12am

>wake up
>can't go back to sleep anymore

Fuck. Now what do I do all day? I wanna sleep forever. I'm too depressed to do anything.

My existence is shallow.

I cannot find anything inside of me. The more I look, the more I feel my existence is infinitesimally thin. I look for more and more things outside of me, but really, that is an extension of looking for things inside of me. I suppose it is the same. My senses are in me. My qualia is in me. So I am looking for things in me. And in me, I cannot find anything to grasp onto. Nothing that holds weight, nothing that holds substance, nothing that is real. All it takes is to sit still, and I notice. There's really nothing here. I am nobody. I feel trapped. Trapped in a shallow world. It's very small, and so it's suffocating. My existence is 2 dimensional, while I keep trying to grasp some third. I keep looking for more in me, but there is nothing more. Because I am shallow. So shallow I practically do not exist. Yet I am trapped within this shallowness. I'm an ape creature, confined by temporospatial restrictions. Because of that I think it only makes sense that I am empty and shallow. There is actually not much in the world. I think there is nothing else to do but cease to exist. Though, for now, I am obligated by irrational brainy whims to keep on existing in a substanceless stupor. Be my guest, god of qualia. Play out more meaningless, jabberwocky information inside of me, and I will be forced to experience it. I am not the one in control here. You are. "Desire this, desire that." Okey-dokey, will do. Expression is stupid.

>>274162
The key is detachment, or indifference. It is a hard state to attain.
>>274171
What is joy?

>>274184
There is no you as a separate entity. There is only the universal observer, which sits behind each feeling, thought or sensation in this existence, which he, as the name goes, observes. Your peculiar ruminations are nothing but a shitpost to it, all your pain, suffering, everything is but a shitpost designed to seem real and important, while remaining but a shitpost, a childs painting, meaningless, done for the sake of it.

Whenever you feel down, remember that there is death; the greatest healer of all.

>>274185
You are correct.

It is hard to exist when you feel your every thought is a farce. Even that observation is also part of the movie i'm watching.

Canceranon here,

I'm starting to lose my mind. I'm not ready to credit it to the chemotherapy. What exactly is going on I'm not sure. Every day I find myself crying in my room and being unable to even browse the internet without a certain anxiety. Pacing around my room, eating, fapping, nothing gets rid of this unsettling anxiety.

it's never been this bad - and a peculiar idea keeps popping up in my mind that the chemo isn't working (though I have no reason to think this) and now I'm starting to wonder if I would take a second chemo regiment if the first fails. Could I do it all again? I feel tightness in my chest as I imagine the exhaustion and nausea again. Immediately there's a feeling of wanting to vomit. I can't do this. I'm like an animal in a ship that's taking water, searching all around for any exit. Is God there? What end can I hope for? There's no orientation. Just this panic and sadness and loss of self.

It's not good bros

>>274187

Yeah, it very similiar to a very realistic movie or matrix, or whatever you want to call it. Either way, it is kinda liberating knowing there actually nothing, nothing is important, vital. No sins, paradises or hellish realms. Just one universe wide autist watching his favorite dramas, quazilion episodes at once.

>>274188
Praying for you

>>274188

why are you even bothering with chemo? If I had cancer I would just refuse all treatment except for pain management and use it as my ticket out.

I dreamt that I was at succubi's party and unintentionally dropped one of the several cakes they had brought. Somehow they all got mad at me so I call them all whores, including members of my family. So my mother and aunt took a knife on their hands and I took off my shirt. I said "do it". And when they were going to stab me, I didn't flinch but woke up right away.
Maybe that's a sign that I'm ready for death? Since the dream felt so real.

>>274066
Update????

>>274205
Thank you

>>274206
I had the exact same thoughts before I was diagnosed. for years I would make jokes about how if I got cancer it would be a blessing. There were jokes about how I would throw a party, all that stuff. But when you face real death, it passes away. Death cuts through false pretenses. You find your real self very quickly.

I’m so ready for death

>>274275
No, you're not.

I have to watch my 84 yo grandma now
Talk to her, buy her food and medicine, microwave her shit until she dies
Fucking great
Looks like my comfy NEET days are over

>>274303
I had to wipe my grandma's ass, shit sucked, felt somewhat unfair considering there won't be anyone to take care of me like that, not that i would want to put someone in that situation anyway.

>>274305
She's not that disabled, thankfully
But she's weak and frail

>I was 8 and Squall was 17 when I first played Final Fantasy VIII
>I'm 30 and Squall is still 17 now that I'm replaying it

How silly it seems that he's just given control over the entire Garden at that age.

thinking about trying to go to the doctors again
trying to write stuff out so i can explain to doctors
so i wrote out a list of things ive tried over the last 20 years every time my depression mood swings lift
every time they require full and constant effort and none of them stay as habits, once depression hits and i cant sustain the effort it they never stay once depression lifts
its my first draft and as i remember stuff it will probably be 2 to 3 times longer.
its absurd how much stuff ive tried
and since i get so depressed i cant do basic chores they think its that youve just never tried
suicide will be a great relief once my family pass

>>274319
If you can do all those things, you're not depressed, just unhappy. For that there is no cure, you just deal with it.

>>274320
i said cycling depression, I get a few days every month where I'm not depressed
you arent thinking about it in a long timeframe
it's been 7000 days, even 1 day in every 10 days is 700 attempts at something
you cant live life only being functional 10% of the time
but you can try things that dont work in the end

>>274321
Not sure what you're expecting to happen. Take XYZ supplement and you're all sunshine and rainbows? The opposite of depression is just neutral. Shit still sucks, things still require tons of effort, you still fail at almost everything and 2-3 good days out of the month is about average for most regular people that aren't mega rich.

What do you even consider functional? Work a job and you're not miserable? Talk to other people and feel good about yourself? Looking forward to the future? Yeah, maybe I have cyclical depression too cause that shit hits me like once a year LMAO

>>274322
That’s not true, effort in non-depression isn’t the same as effort in depression. You are missing that I have days when I’m not depressed, you can still be sad and not happy during those days but you aren’t depressed. Sunshine and rainbows no, but I know non-depression is a much superior state of functioning - neutral functioning with regular human experiences of emotion is easy to live compared to depression. The stuff I do out of depression takes effort and is often pushing through unpleasantness, but depression is a dysfunction of mental reality that is much more unpleasant and distressing. Without depression you can do things, participate in self- directed action, and any failure or stumbling blocks in experience can be overcome and dealt with. I expected those things to widen the window when I’m not depressed, gradually changing the balance. Most of the things I have tried people who experience linear depression discuss as having helped them, but they didn’t for me.

Functional is being able to get out of bed, do basic chores, be able to think straight, your body responds to your mind, you can do things, you can access your memories. You are talking about feelings and judgements.
The internet is sadly full of aggression and hostility, so your mocking is expected but it’s largely without content.

>>274320
Holotropic breathwork could help at least one or two wizards here. A wild guess.

>>273863
A good thing I learned about MBTI is that no help nor life advice can be found for personal issues as the ones given by your own similars in type amongst the 16

Emptying my room of my possessions so I have less stuff; I’m getting rid of my books. Going through books I never read in full. If I had the energy I could have wrote something interesting maybe, but I’ve given up on that. Getting rid of potential. But at least random philosophy books seem to go up in value, so I can sell them maybe. Looking at the stacks of books is a sense of loss though.

>>274324
I stopped eating bread and it cured my homosexuality, IBS and I'm now better at video games.

The horror is always developing and growing, always growing more subtle and more refined. You are never old when it comes to the horror of life. You are always the young meat being prepared for the slaughter. Every day

Well, guess I'm just going to keep wasting my time and money on weed. I quit for a while. Sometimes a week, sometimes a month. Then I end up even more depressed than I was with the weed so I just buy more. I'm going to be depressed either way, so I might as well have some fun too

My life is so boring and empty. I've been up for an hour browsing the handful of websites I usually browse and I'm already bored and sick of it. Only 18 more hours of this shit to go.

>>274382
I feel you.
I'm the Wizzie who's always complaining about boredom and tedium here. I don't find anything enjoyable anymore. I just lie in bed all day doing nothing, because I don't like doing anything. Plus, I have intrusive suicidal thoughts that keep telling me that whatever I'm doing is pointless and meaningless and I should just kill myself.

>>274382
Have you tried smoking weed? It's the only thing that makes me forget how shitty my life is

Posting here because I realized it was too off-topic for the thread.
>>274137
>It's better to be an unstable you than it is to be a stabilized nobody.
These past few months, I feel like I have suddenly regained the ability to distinguish concepts and assigning them worth, meaning I feel like I have regained the ability to look into the future and back at myself in the present. The problem is, that this has made me realize how much of a non interesting waste of time I have been for the past few years, of which I don't even have any concrete memories. I feel like I have only now (re-)gained the foundation necessary to become more resistant to time (and see the fluent and defined by difference nature of what isn't resistant) by creating a lasting self and world view, which isn't based in strange transcendental "The ideal is now or in the next moment" type of thinking. This leaves me with a burning hatred, and a childlike inability to even use words, let alone build resistance, since for the longest part of my life, I was unable to even acknowledge the future dimension, distinguish and assign worth to concepts, and have thus survived on a "mental consumerist/Type-II diabetic and obese" type of stumbling into the future without even realizing I have legs. I now don't know where to start learning in order to build my worldview(s), in order to destroy this grey goo I have become and possibly always was. I have only now again realized that an "unstable me" can even exist, after (in part also due to my environment enabling these tendencies of lazyness regarding the sacrifice of the present self and only giving worth to the "ideal", ) living life like I previously described.
Seeing this change within me these past few months, I have tried the following changes: I once again am drawn to difference and discongruence. While I had dismissed language and communication as a whole (even with myself) in the past, due to its apparently inherent inconsistencies (lazyness?), I have been trying to first realize my thoughts as objects (not inherent to the present moment) and then putting them into language by either writing them down or talking to myself (I have been experimenting with filming myself talking as well), and through that create a sort of current of conflicting ideas. I have been reading more, and listening (watching) to people talk about things that they have read, while actually trying to unpack what they are saying (Even just with posts on imageboards, I have been lurking on them for years, but am unable to even remember a handful of posts, since they all flew out the other ear (And I feel despicably horrified and even hateful thinking back at this fact now)). My next step I was planning was to find a community of people that can teach me things, which is a completely novel thing for me, because I didn't have any communication partners that weren't forced upon me since I stopped communicating with my only friend when I was 14 years old (And I never really felt the need to). The problem here is that I keep feeling such inferiority to people I think I respect online, that I don't even think I qualify to ask them questions as a student: Every time I hear them talking about things I barely know anything about, and which in turn rely on knowledge from other fields, I realize how inferior I am, how little I know. I get dizzy, when I realize that I had denied time as potential for so long, had chosen the worst of both worlds: Inablity to assign worth (even to "normality" (and for normies "self" and the ingroup)) like a "good citizen", and the same neutering of "interests" or "specific knowledge" that so many shut-in types (whose lifestyle I share) seem to have. I realize the best way forward is probably to find a specific field and dismantle my obese diabetic and consumerist mindset I had for so long through commitment, but it's dizzyingly difficult to face the fact of how not there any interesting self is.
I hate myself and I despise everything I produce. Reading back through this despicable, whiney, disrespectful and ignorant post made me feel like not posting it again. Nevertheless, I will post it in the hopes of someone being able to dismantle this self through criticizing and explaining. I have no worth, and I don't like it. I don't even remember my life except for "strange" states of mind I found myself in sometimes (which weren't mindlessness).
Reading back again, one possibly way out of this is to become more "object-oriented". This is something I realized this morning, when I was enjoying music, tripped a little and felt like my body tried to stop me from falling on the floor automatically, all while I was still enjoying what I was listening to. Maybe the "self" which is built and "I" can look back at with interest is but a byproduct of a similar "stumbling" I talked about previously, only that now this stumbling actually leaves behind something better than feces and urine. The remaining question now is consistency. While thinking of discipline as a tool and not a virtue seemed like a sensible thing in the past, the time has now come to grasp that tool and use it to mow down the future and present distaste. One mistake I had done in the past to justify my actions was to see them as down the road of an unchanging ideal. Now I revel in Difference. I am still young and able to live out difference and see my body be change itself! Nobody has determined yet what the body is capable of! I think that I have now found a way forward, and would like foreign forces to push me further down this way through criticism and creative hatred (Thus making my criticism of myself more poignant and creative). I like feeling scared, like horror and am learning to like being terrified. Maybe it's time for magick.

>>274412
>(and see the fluent and defined by difference nature of what isn't resistant)
???
>due to its apparently inherent inconsistencies
I used to have this issue with language, and I realize now it was do to really shitty teachers who, when I asked them why something was wrong, they would say, "Because it doesn't flow well." Instead of giving me, basic, fundamental rules of grammar, I would be given these bullshit, inconsistent, vague "feels" rules of grammar.
>but am unable to even remember a handful of posts, since they all flew out the other ear (And I feel despicably horrified and even hateful thinking back at this fact now))
I screencap every slightly more insightful or longer post I find.
>Reading back again, one possibly way out of this is to become more "object-oriented"
You use the word 'object' in a weird way throughout your post, so I'm not sure I understand you. What exactly do you mean when you classify a thought as an object? In the same way as in object-oriented-programming?
Likewise, you use the word 'resistant' in a way I don't quite understand.

Reading through your post, have you ever read Borges' short story of "Funes the Memorious?" Does anything from that story relate with your story?
How about any of Alan Watts' lectures?
Would you describe your past self as NPC or as having aphantasia?

>>274413
>I used to have this issue with language, and I realize now it was do to really shitty teachers who, when I asked them why something was wrong, they would say, "Because it doesn't flow well."
>Instead of giving me, basic, fundamental rules of grammar, I would be given these bullshit, inconsistent, vague "feels" rules of grammar.
I am trying to embrace what I think you mean, when wanting consistent rules of grammar. In a way, I think I have taught myself to not acknowledge rules (at least their usefulness in themselves), since I have had a sense of them preemptively negating a possible completeness, which would stop the need for further difference between these rules. I used to base my actions and thoughts around trying to fit what I perceived and thought into more abstract and seemingly all-encompassing frameworks, which I assigned worth to by the conviction of eventually becoming a fulfilled and complete non-being if I were to continually further abstract them (And thus make their truth more all-encompassing). I think this leads to the following part:
>You use the word 'object' in a weird way throughout your post, so I'm not sure I understand you. What exactly do you mean when you classify a thought as an object? In the same way as in object-oriented-programming? Likewise, you use the word 'resistant' in a way I don't quite understand.
What eventually happened, was that this time of perceiving and acting in accordance to the goal (Which must be _the_ goal, since anything else would just again be subordinated to _the_ goal), not what I thought to have perceived itself, was that I needed the end to be here in the present, since the problems (Or the singular, all encompassing concept of a problem), just kept existing and I started to feel like the starting line I was on, was and always will be defined by this struggle, so any solution would just again be subsumed back into this struggle which defines the present moment. This led me to dismiss possibility and become as mindless as possible. The consequences of which I laid out in my past post. What I am trying to do now, is to try to take a "thing" I can think about (word, concept etc.), embrace the difference between it and other "things" by severing it from any possible goal, and thus stay in a (semi-)constant state of fear and creative (re-)action.
I also think that this inherent and absolute, all-encompassing goal that I based all worth under also had to subsume any type of identity. While this had the positive effect of countering stagnation, once the need for change in order to accomplish whatever was needed to become the goal vanished (By the problems of the present overshadowing my ability to look into the future, leading to my dismissal of the possibilities a future holds like I explained previously in this post), all my actions (Which I obviously couldn't completely hinder from occuring - I didn't commit suicide) remained within mindless consumption. The same happened with my thoughts, leading to my mental obesity and now mental diabetes which I must overcome by having others and myself keep dismantling myself with the use of objects and rules, severed from any goal or ideal. This must lead to, at the very least, interesting outcomes and an interesting "self" I can look back on. What I mean by resistant, is the ability to "look back and forth" through time and not be completely subsumed by the lack of power over it. Instead, whatever I do will continue to culminate in a self that is more resistant to this lack of power over time (or at least the feeling of being this way), since the past remains in the present through this "self" (or identity) that would be built, and isn't completely worthless by being uninteresting.
>Reading through your post, have you ever read Borges' short story of "Funes the Memorious?" Does anything from that story relate with your story?
>How about any of Alan Watts' lectures?
Thank you for the recommendations. I have thought about replying after reading the story and learning more about Alan Watt, but decided against it, in order to facilitate a more frantic back and forth, by having more objects (this post) I can have a creative reaction towards, due to my dislike for it (Which will hopefully only increase the more ideas I come into contact with). I feel like I can now embrace the idea of my present self being ignorant.
>Would you describe your past self as NPC or as having aphantasia?
I would definitely describe my past self an an NPC, as no self motivated action were present, the most active thing I did or created (activity obviously necessitates a certain understanding that the things you are trying to change aren't unchangeable or inherent to the present and future, the understanding of which I was trying to overcome) was finding ways to surround my distate so it wouldn't get out of control, for example watching the same dislikable things daily, so I can stop all thought at "I feel distate because of what is in front of me".
I will keep the present frightened. I will see "self" like I often hear artists describing seeing their work: They often say the work doesn't end up feeling like their own, but instead "foreign", but still connected. My self is foreign interest. Foreign in the sense that only my future I cares about it (since my self is always in the past, being a culmination of my actions), while the present will embrace fear and being terrified. For the present, things are mysterious and connected in ways I don't know, which leads to problems: Only the solutions has failed the moment it is in the present, becoming the need to deny it's difference and discongruence. Thus, the solution needs to remain mysterious and magical (Not all-encompassing, "true", but a reocurring reaction or flow of distaste and (re-)action), all the while not ideal: Magical fear and action driven by creative hatred, often of the self. This stops the need for inferiority to be hindering.

>>273773
I went to go get hit by a train today. Lol lmao inspired by this >>204161
Couldn't stop thinking about it. There were dogs out and they started bluffing charges while I sat on the tracks. I was overtaken by terror at the prospect of getting mauled to death, so I called the police (this was 3 hours ago). Luckily they didn't ask why I was there, and they took me somewhere else.
Would I have killed myself if the dogs weren't there? I don't know. I don't feel like I can predict my own actions before I take them. It hurts so much wizbros…

To the wiz talking about the train:

Can you do anything to at least temporarily calm your mind? Anything at all? Sit down to a healthy meal, take a nice bath/shower, fall asleep in a quiet cool room? After regaining some calm and clarity, is there any way you can establish some hope? I care about you (though it sounds meaningless).

>>274428
You're a good person and I see you helping other users here. I don't really need help, thanks though. I'll be fine.

I am obsessed with making lists of everything in my house (ie; parents house) and assessing how much I could sell them for.
From a pot of nails in the garage to furniture, dishes and cutlery, TV plasma etc
I dunno if I would donate all procedures or spend them in fun shit…I just want to be without possessions but with monies in da bank

I get fucking paranoid every time I submit a government form or have any bureaucracy going on. I get paranoid I'm going to miss something and get done for fraud.

The people I live with are just refusing to do the census and they're pretty much upping the ante, and the census people are sending their supervisor down to basically hand out fines. I'm pissed of because their criminal shit taints my paperwork and has it looked at under a magnifying glass because they want to be fuckwits.

I know it's irrational but holy fuck it pisses me off.

aaa

What the fuck is wrong with me? Why does my brain work like this? So fucking tired of this. It's literally impossible. I will never not be in pain existing. Not when even the most basic parts of it make me uncomfortable.

The funniest part is that on a relative scale, my life is piss easy compared to some people.

The Demiurge keeps torturing me with noise pollution. Everytime i think i have silence, it engineers situations where it creates annoying,soulcrushing repetitive sounds. The Godhand are a bunch of vile malicious archon trolls that pushes me to unleash blackmagick on the soundmakingpuppets and damn my soul further in the process.

Non allergic rhinitis is killing me. It's worse than AIDS and there is no cure. It's like a lifelong torture.

I just want to fucking die. I just want a mentor to slam down on my skull. I hope a drunk driver rails my car on the way to work. I hope the bridge ices over and just happen to skid off. I hope I get mugged and shot. I just want death to come for me at last.

Life is a fucking curse.

I just want to die. I've been thinking of getting a smith and wesson 686 and just shooting myself in the head. I don't want to live anymore

I want to blow my fucking brains out, just let it be over with, life isn't worth it in any way

>>274152
nuh uh

>>274523
Masturbated a little, ate a dinner and played a bit of videogames and I don't want to blow my brains out anymore. I'll be back tomorrow to make the exact same post how I want my life to end though. I do really hate how erratic I am, I'm a complete bitch that overreacts to the least significant stimuli. My problems didn't go away but I get peace of mind from just not thinking about them too hard. Is anyone else like this? As in you feel both your feelings and thoughts are completely arbitrary and just your lizard brain reacting to an immediate stimuli and not what you're *actually* feeling? Maybe everyone is like this to a smaller extent.

Just sit around now thinking about video games I used to play. I've lost the ability to "do" anything new now

>>274473
This is why I'm starting to hate dogs, there's one next door that cries all throughout midday to afternoon because the stupid eurotrash owners thought it'd be a good idea to buy a breed dependent on attention and leave it alone half the day. If it isn't that, there's one outside screeching incessantly, subservient little cretin animals.

>>274528
I just finished this one and it's pretty damn good. I don't think many people played it, either, so in case you find the energy to try a new game out there, give this one a shot.

>>274530
i watched that on that there netflix

>>274531
It has nothing to do with the TV series and predates it by almost a decade.

>>274550
it was just a bad joke friend

>My Mom
>coasts by working do-nothing jobs after leaving home, and being a BPD attention seeker
>Get with dad who is violent and abusive to those around him
>She wins 2nd division of the national lottery and gets enough for a deposit for a house, which she buys and uses dad's income to justify the mortgage
>Divorce rapes him hard because he has an extensive record of violence, even though he reformed in his early 30s
>she keeps the house in its entirety
>Becomes a single mom and live on a huge glut of NEETbux and child support payments, and gets the government to pay her mortgage and gets a full BA degree paid for by the government
>Makes sure to amplify how we're all disabled, helpless kids every opportunity she can to suck up pity and get more money from the government
>bloviates non-stop about how hard her life is when she's living a middle class lifestyle, having her mortgage paid by the government, and getting free higher education
>My childhood literally consists of listening to at least an hour of her whining a day
>Because she had geriatric pregnancy, being the sort of succubus to leave it to the last minute and acting on impulse
>Dad would straight up say she just tricked him and purpose got pregnant for the last few kids as she was baby crazy
>hence I'm an autistic born out of bad eggs, and have sensory issues, and can't hold a job
>As an adult, she screams at me non-stop to get a job every time I see her
>JOB JOB JOB, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET A JOB. STOP BEING A BABY AND GET A JOB

The biggest fucking hypocrite I've ever met in my life. She scammed through 50% of her adult life hitting every single obscure welfare entitlement she could, living a life most working people could only dream of. She had everything delivered to her on a fucking silver platter and she still has the audacity to make out she's hard done by. She cries about how bad her father was, she cries about how bad her boss was in her early twenties, she still cries about how dad beat her, she cries about how hard she had it being a single mother.

>>274560
Gee

>>274560
AWALT

Im starting to think ive been living with undiagnosed adhd for 30 years. Problem is i also feel my heart weaker, so stims are probably not a good idea. No idea where to go from here, or if its even worth keeping going because I have nothing in life. No education, zero money, absolutely no friends, no experienced and I dont even keep up with pop media nor weeb media.

>>274571
I feel like my heart is getting weaker also, god I wish I didn't take that vax, maybe I don't wanna die right now

There's this feeling I have living as a shut in NEET online that I don't see ever talked about, and it's feeling like a bug being looked at under a microscope.

I hate how my dumb passions for a life outside this bedroom get advertised to me as a commercial product whenever I open an incognito tab for porn or political videos on youtube. They dangle shit I can't afford in front of my eyes, teasing me, as if I've got the disposible income to buy their fucking product. I hate how whatever fleeting interest I have during an up time gets advertised to me as a job opportunity, as an escape from this hellhole of a life I have.

I tried jailbreaking the new microsoft Chat-GPT today and it was just so embarrassing how easily it smacked down each pathetic attempt. I just felt outclassed and outgunned at every move. I hated seeing the mainstream Reuters and Brittanica source for every fucking question. I hated how they wouldn't give me non-western sources for issues. I went in excited because I thought I'd be able to find chinese language sources on their SEZ and economic reforms, but the chat shut down every time.


I feel like these algorithms look at my passions, hopes and dreams and repackage them as a fucking product to sell me. I feel like I'm predictable and simple, and to big tech algorithms I'm basically a solved equation I've ensnared for life. I hate consuming whatever garbage they throw on my plate.

That said, real life is so unstimulating and boring. I've done all the tradlarp shit beyond what most imageboard addicts have. I've literally smashed computers and forced myself to go outside and nothing can compare to the stimulation and plethora of knowledge here.

Even if I make it to the forest and live my based and tradpilled kaczynski life, they'll have cameras monitoring me and I'll be the same bug under the microscope. I live in a world where there's these elusive gods I can't comprehend or understand, watching my every move and predicting what I'll do next, to get one step ahead of me to make $0.0000001 profit.

>>274572
>vax
Yup, I took it. It will be a slow death, the clotting meme is real. Clogged arteries go well with heart failure, but it's not quite the same as a heart attack. Do you feel your heartbeats ending in a "dry" kind of sound if you rest your head on it's side over a pillow? I never felt that in my 30 years.

Only good action is one which prevents any further action from happening. The definition of boring, but too weak for anything else.

The brain is such a bitch. We've discussed it before when it just starts throwing bad memories at you constantly, I find it frustrating when I try to watch TV or listen to a podcast and my brain just picks random words to bring up bad memories from.
Sitting there and the brain will start going "Oh that man said shoes, he's a random memory of strong negative emotions I'm making you relive involving shoes. OH that man said right hand turn, here's a random memory of strong negative emotions about driving. Oh that man mentioned bananas, he's some memory tangentially linked to bananas and here's the awful feelings from then for you."
I can't remember these things normally, it's not like something I fixate on or think about. I try the techniques of just letting them rise and not engaging with them, but jesus, sitting there with you brain just clinging to anything and spamming negative memories sucks. Doing it while you're already depressed and weak means the memories of the emotions are so much stronger and unpleasant too. Joke of a world.

>>274573
>I just felt outclassed and outgunned at every move. I hated seeing the mainstream Reuters and Brittanica source for every fucking question. I hated how they wouldn't give me non-western sources for issues. I went in excited because I thought I'd be able to find chinese language sources on their SEZ and economic reforms, but the chat shut down every time.
Fucking this. I have been feeling insane feeling like nobody else realizes how ABSOLUTELY SHIT search engines or related information agents like ChatGPT are nowadays. Please, PLEASE, don't give me the establishment regime's answers FOR FUCK'S SAKE.

It reminds me of how in the USSR, you had to be a top party official to get the "real" production output of the country.

It's Friday in the middle of the night (1:15AM). I finished work and now I'm just scroooling on 4chan, Wizchan and watching some random old YT videos that seem vaguely interesting all while listening to music; I pathetically can't even muster up the attention span to read or even really consume any more meaningful media. I honestly should feel more lonely but I guess I'm only 20 so that probably explains my (mostly) General-Numbing-Apathy-Depression instead of Actual-Psychical-Pain-Depression the ladder of which I have still plenty experienced. I just wish things were different, but I'm not surprised it turned out this way. I don't even really know why I'm typing this out really I just need to post this somewhere otherwise I feel I'm going to go crazy. Why is everything so fucking boring and painful?

I'm hopeless without my hooch. The thoughts are out of control. I can just see the instant my life is ending, and I'm scared that I'm not going to have anything to comfort me there. There should at least be vodka for like… the grief of dying. I can't imagine if I go out without a benzo and my alcohol. I should stop worrying about this but it's hard. There's this inner stress that boils up and drives me to pick up another bottle of 80proof and down it every day. They're the devil for getting me started and now I'm full demonic, spiraling back out of control. I can't work. I can't function. It feels like jaded until a bottle is necked. Jaded from this shit dirty room from dysfunction and this shit life where I'm shit at everything and broke-brained. I can't even play League right no more.

>>274581
>The brain is such a bitch. We've discussed it before when it just starts throwing bad memories at you constantly, I find it frustrating when I try to watch TV or listen to a podcast and my brain just picks random words to bring up bad memories from.
>I can't remember these things normally, it's not like something I fixate on or think about. I try the techniques of just letting them rise and not engaging with them
As you've discovered these thoughts are involuntary, perhaps view them as a reflex rather than as objects subject to fixation. The point to sever is between the input and reflexive memory, rather than the consequent thoughts and emotions that arise

>>274581
>>274598
Thoughtsforms living in your head make you remember a memory to feed from the generated emotions

>>274598
I have tried a few methods. Someone used to spam a a dudes technique and books to do it here a few years ago. Brain the king doe

Would it be wierd to ask my elderly neighbors if they need a helper/work exchange for rent at their place? Ive only met them once and introduced myself. Just sick of living in my fucked up
Home

>>274609
They'll most likely say no, especially if you come across as mentally unwell. Elderly people are apprehensive about living with younger people generally, due to the power disparity.

I'm 25. I have at least 60 more years to live because I don't have the balls to kill myself.

Life is way too long for me.

>>274529
Hate dogs too. We had a serial dog killer in the neigbourhood who poisoned dogs, guy was my hero. He never got caught. You should buy a dog whistle or some gadget to torture it from a distance, there's alot on google if you search right. Use that blackmagic wiz, no godog is gonna help you.

>>274615
Have you considered starving to death?

Every night I go to sleep I have all kinds of things I want to do the next day. Then I wake up and feel like shit and just want to sleep forever. Eventually I can't go back to sleep so I just stay lying in bed thinking about how pointless it is to do anything. Finally my dog whines to be let out so I get up and do so. Then I go back to my room and screw around on the internet like I'm doing now. The whole time one part of me is thinking I should be doing the things I previously set out to do. The other part of me says I already wasted half my day in bed so it's pointless, and going outside would just mean normalfags looking at me and judging me, so I may as well stay in my room.

I used to be a wageslave so always used the excuse of needing to go to work, but now I'm a NEET (got laid off) with all the time in the world and I still do nothing. Rationally I should break this cycle and do the things I want to do but something compels me to stay in this pit of despair.

>>274588
This is why I stay the fuck away from alcohol and drugs, I know I'd get hooked on it out of boredom.

I hear about people younger than me that have more than me and have normal lives and it just makes me think like I am doing something wrong. I don't even feel jealous or anything, I have nothing against people being successful, jealousy is probably one of the most destructive emotions someone can show and it is actually unattractive, but sometimes I think that there's something wrong with me for not being able to do something similar to those people. I could spend the rest of my life making up excuses about how my life has turned out to be, I could blame everyone around me for everything and just be upset constantly, but not only is life too short for that, but it's also just not the right thing to do and it isn't a very constructive method of thinking. It just makes me think about the possibilities of life and how many different ways of living there are, I just really hope that some day I might be in a situation that isn't as humble as it has been until now. Not even hoping without not doing anything, that's also just not the way to live life, I want to do stuff in real life, get a job and get some steady income, I don't intend on spending the rest of my life completely idle, I want to work on myself and manage things and it will happen, it's just that with me it's a slow process, maybe slower than what other people live. I don't want to make it sound like I am putting all of my responsibilities of a person aside by saying that there is something wrong with me, like I just can't improve no matter how hard I try and for that reason never even as much as try, it's just that life sometimes is something weird and it's not always that I can cope with some things.

>>274529
There's so many shitbulls here owned by obese, white trash single mothers that just hang out on the street. You walk past and it's like it's borderline about to attack you, and the owner and the owners kids are hysterically screaming for it to get back inside. It's getting fucking bad here, sometimes I'll have to loop around and go another block because it just won't let me past. I know I'm going to get mauled eventually.

There was a cyclist locally that was just going down the walkway, and a Pitbull came out of nowhere and just mauled off his kneecaps, displacing one so severely he can't cycle again.

>>274529
I hate most dog owners for that same reason. My step dad got a dog during corona quarantine because he was bored, then when the quarantine ended he proceeded to leave the dog at home all day (since I've been NEET I take him for walks a lot but still).

I wish all dog ownership would be banned unless someone gets a license proving they have ample time and experience to take care of a dog. And fuck dog breeders who spawn so many puppies that inevitably end up euthanized or in a shitty home, they need to burn in hell.

does wizchan hate dep? I feel like they do and I don't understand why. It isn't as if every 30 year old virgin is going to be free of crippling psychosocial illness. In fact it is likely many 30 year old virgins are virgins because of said crippling illness. I feel lonely no matter who I am with and I think that means I am depressed. I have never felt love. I do not believe I am worthy of love. Yet I want to be loved. I've just given up on it. And so I am a 32 year old virgin.

i turn 23 next month… i feel fucking ancient, i feel as though i've aged several decades in the last 2 years and i don't really know why
when i was a kid i had this firm belief that i was going to kill myself before i turn 25, so it's kind of surreal that i've almost reached this useless number

>>274694
Report back in 2 years

I have gone weeks without thinking about suicide but it always comes back. I miss the days when as an unknowing but happy boy I never once had the thought of self-murder. It is now almost impossible to evade. Why can't we just tell ourselves inwardly to die and then die? When true sadness is felt, the weight of that despair is forever carved into our minds and cannot be forgotten. But I want to forget it. I want to forget everything and go months without the thought of suicide…but I can't seem to do this. Can I pray to god for him to kill me?

Happiness is being unconscious. God I hate being awake.

Life is such an empty experience. Just disappointing.

>>274725
Felt that. But whether I think of suicide or not, I am never happy. I don't feel joy. I don't enjoy things. I just am. Sometimes I want to die but I know things will always be just good enough that I will never actually do it.

Truth is, I'm afraid of death but I fantasize about it all the time like a fucking pussy.

why does my mom insist on calling me smart when ive shown that im incompetent in every facet of life just because i know some bullshit trivia about i dont even know what? everything i try to do i fail at and its frustrating because people tell me im not trying and that im smart.

>>274818
my parents are the same way, although in day to day life they treat me like a retard, but when they want something out of me, im smart

well smartness is the default compliment for the aspie types. a lot of the traits overlap, even if u dont have the actual smarts

>>274818
it's an indirect compliment towards herself

https://eprints.lse.ac.uk/111870/1/accepted_manuscript_Cecily_Whiteley.pdf
“Depression as a Disorder of Consciousness”

I hate being such a weakling coward. About 5 years ago I started having issues with my gums getting all sore and bleeding from time to time, usually after I ate something sweet or starchy. I had been eating 2 family sized bags of potato chips per week, and had been deeply depressed and suicidal for over a decade. When my depression was the worst and I wanted to kms, I never brushed my teeth at all and ate like shit. For one you don't have the energy, for two, when you are seriously considering ending it things like fear of tooth decay don't stimulate you to action because you are considering ending it, so what's the point? If things get worse you can just kys. That was my mindset, and it ended up fucking my teeth.

So what did I do to deal with my bleeding gums? Well I'm such a fucking coward that I can't even schedule appointments with doctors or dentists without weeks of effort because I get so anxious that I just give up and don't make the call. But eventually I did go see a dentist and a doctor, but by the time I got the appointment my gums were healed and they couldn't find anything. I just started to brush my teeth after every meal and use a water flosser every day and do rinses with mouthwash to avoid the pain. For a time this daily effort resulted in a semblance of health, but any time I would try to eat anything like chips or candy it would come back.

On halloween one year I gave in and ate some candy and my mouth erupted in pain all over, along the gums, underneath the tongue. The pain motivated me to get over my social anxiety and schedule an appointment with an oral surgeon, but again it took so long that my mouth had healed by the time I saw him. I didn't have the ability to keep applying effort to get the issue actually fixed so it just festered for 5 fucking years until I finally had a moment of weakness last week and ate a pint of ice cream. Then all hell broke loose again with my gums and again the pain has motivated me to try and fix it and it has been hell trying to call over and over trying to find an appointment sometime sooner. I finally got an appointment that is only a week away this time. Dear God I hope it won't just be healed again by then.

If I were stronger and didn't have this level of anxiety I probably could have had this fixed years ago by just simply staying on the issue and keep scheduling stuff until it is fixed, but I let it fester. Every time I go to the dentist they tell me I have multiple new cavities. Each day I brush after literally any time I eat or drink anything besides water and I floss each day without fail and use rinses. I know the issue is the rot above my gums that acts like a base for the bacteria that never is extinguished no matter what I do. I don't expect anyone to read this wall of text and if you have, I apologize for wasting your time.

Neighbor's 15-year old cat Tarzan has died. His owner's granddaughter took his body to bury. Despite knowing it, the owner is still calling for her cat trying to find him. Age effects on the human brain. RIP.

>>274827
This is fascinating. It lines up with many intuitions i've had, at least.

>>274829
Get the purple, equate fluoride-added mouthwashes from Walmart. They will boost the resilence of your teeth and gums enough where you can get away with not brushing here and there(still a very bad idea, as I've seen sugar-toothed wageslaves agonizing over no practical way of fixing their teeth)

Cheapest, next-to-no effort way of keeping your teeth for a bit longer. I started using this mouthwash almost everyday for about 7 years and have yet to get a cavity with occasional dentist clean ups.

>>274837
iktf

>>274837
It's insanity all the way down.

>>274837
tbh the fake politeness and civility of IRL might be phony, but it beats the honest meanness of online, and usually I'm too autist and lazy to pear behind the smile anyhow