/dep/ - Depression

Usually it's the incessant need to stop what I'm doing and check imageboards. It's hard to get into a zone because of that. Currently I'm also dealing with some health anxiety and that just depresses the shit out of me and I don't feel like doing any work at all.

its so fucking dumb
its my #1 desire in life
i want artistic skill over anything, more than money, good looks or friends or anything romantic

and yet i cant even get myself to learn how to draw

for years already

fuck i got this drawing book i bought with a receipt from 2015

i would get into more detail on my desires and struggles but only if someone cares

>>274923
Not only are you homophobic but also racist.

I forget. I have grand plans and roadmaps to goals in my head, but the next day I wake up and not one of those thoughts cross my mind, as I reenact my daily routine of:
>lay in bed for few hours
>realize I'm hungry and eat breakfast
>doomscroll out of habit
>sometimes wander around the house aimlessly if I'm sick of scrolling
>think about watching movies or playing video games or reading a book, but decide I don't feel like it, and go back to laying down in bed

But it's ok, I just started writing things down so I won't forget anymore. So long as I don't forget to check my to do list.

Mental decrepitude and low intelligence. I've been hospitalized for attempting suicide, nearly starving myself, and getting into a massive argument with my parents about moving out (I thought my mom secretly wanted me gone). Now meds are keeping me stable while also destroying my health….

Sometimes I think I sabotage my own time out of resentment and bitterness, even though it only harms me, abusing my time makes me smug and satisfied like its getting back at people. Maybe other people here have similar deep urge to withdraw and resign, which is often greater than urge to do things.

>>274900
Untreated ADHD, it makes me perform at about 40-50% of what I could do without it. Plus there is OCD - intrusive thoughts and images. It is hard to get optimistic about anything when you have this demon pushing graphic worst case scenarios into your brain non stop.
In addition, I have came to realization that all the pleasure this world can offer is in fact just suffering disguised. Things people strive for hoping to become happy are nothing but a mirage. Knowing this and still pursue suffering is meaningless and illogical. That is why I barely do anything, and when I do, combo of mental problems fuck me hard.

>>274900
Poor physical and mental health, and I have such weak nature, in both personality and presence, that people have been humiliating me, using me and walking all over me since as long as I can remember, so now I hide away from people and refuse to do things with others.

I think the doomscroll meme is gay, along with the "terminally online" meme, but yeah that's pretty much what I do. I have thousands of tabs open and that's my ultimate distraction, along with looming thoughts about what I'm gonna do the rest of my life. The key is to shut off the computer and work on your shit. That's why I'm glad windows 7 is getting more and more unsupported everyday, as a win7 loyalist, because that means pretty soon I'll only ever use win7 for software, and linux for innernette shit, so my work-to-browse ratio will balance out in my favor pretty nicely

For me its currently being trapped by porn, weed and watching the same shit on YouTube over and over again. I managed to break free from these habits before and during that time I was doing so many different things because my brain worked normally then I fell back because of some dumb shit but I'm sure I will manage to get back on my feet again soon.

>>274936
Have you been treated before and quit taking meds? If not, are you willing to take meds for ADHD? I think I have the same problem. I usually hit my weed pen to slow my brain down for several hours. Probably not a good long-term solution.

>>275179
Getting help for mental health in my shithole country is impossible for neither of my problems. I try self medicate. For ADHD I have tried nicotine, caffeine, phenibut, kratom, gingko biloba, gotu kola and now trying out modafinil. Nicotine helped with Adhd, especially with executive function. I see something that needs to be done - I do it at once. More energy and more focus, but OCD gets much worse. I'm twice as anxious, very uncomfortable. Strong coffee can slightly alleviate ADHD for an hour of so, but it is too little. Phenibut is decent, could do a lot more on it, but tolerance builds up very quickly. Gingko Biloba improved memory a bit, but didn't do much else, same with gotu kola.
Kratom is da shit. I drink one full tea spoon a day, after drinking it I have 3-4 hours of intense focus and without that annoying buzz that coffee usually gives. Tolerance is a problem though.
Modafinil pills mixed with some other stuff like L-theanin and bunch of other goodies are actually very helpful. It purges the brainfog nicely, improves concentration, destroys tiredness. However, it is likely to be a prescription drug in your country (it is not in mine though)
Meditation in the morning also helps, whenever I remember to do it.
With that said, nothing out of the things i've mentioned can be considered as a fool proof solution. God, I would kill for having access to Adderall or Ritalin…

It mostly has to do with getting pickier every year.
I can't really enjoy working on newer things without putting more than thrice the effort that I put into it compared to how I would work on it last decade (unless I really liked that thing on a personal level or, surprise surprise, I was getting paid).

As for working on older things that I've known for quite some time it's just a matter of factors.

a dozen years ago I would've been able to create something from scratch for obvious reasons. Now I have to take into account those same factors: The medium, the quality, if I care about impressing people my age (if not fans of what I like) and/or the general public or not, and the amount of personal care/touch I want to put into it if not the time to make sure I get that intimate effect.

It's fun, but it goes from a rat maze that you can simply doodle to a city sized labyrinth on too many levels where even thinking about it triggers the flooding of conditions.

Everyone with an IQ above 120 is holding society back with their excessive parasite-like wealth building activities, and leftist ideology.
When I Was in school, the geniuses were always the most annoying, with their mealy mouthed way of answering questions, constantly raising their hands ahead of other students, and getting higher "grades" (which should be abolished in the name of equity).

The solution which can save the West? LOBOTOMIZE. CAUTERIZE. EUTHANIZE. END THE REIGN OF THE GENIUSES. BRING BACK THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN "INTELLIGENCE" WAS MADE FUN OF, BUT THIS TIME DON'T GIVE PARASITES A WAY OUT!

>>275181
Be careful with Kratom. That shits no good for your liver if you take it more thrice a week.

>>275325
it makes you feel good for a little bit, but the duration is so short and the high is so subtle that it's hard to justify eating so much nasty leaf

Now if I want to waste my life getting high I'll just go for the real stuff

>>275235
the "leftists" you speak of are not over 120. They're 100-110 midwit tier at best

>>275331
I drink about 5g once a day with tumeric, lasts for about 6 hours. Yeah, it's no heroin, but beats having no mood boost at all, calms the shit outta me.
>>275325
I use it daily, so far i've had zero problems. Gonna have a bit of a break after I finish this strain.

It's lack of drive and willingness to take risk. I'm too scared to fail at what I want to do, so I end up no going as far as I'd like. Even if it seem like I'm starting to make strides, once I feel as though it's getting too difficult, I completely give up. My family has told me I have a tendency of changing my interests rather frequently, and it's not that I do, but I feel that thing are getting to hard and too much I just go to the next thing.

>>275346
I'm like this too. I figure it's a mixture of pride and cowardice that is the problem. I want to become a goal oriented person who will suffer any setback or humiliation and keep going towards my goal, but I just suck too much. I'm too weak and cowardly. I don't want to admit defeat though, I will keep trying to change. I feel like at any point I could just stop being a failure and get my shit together and start doing what I really want to do. I honestly don't know what's holding me back other than momentum.

>>275331
>it's hard to justify eating so much nasty leaf
I've found it to be, by far, the most practical drug I've come across. It helps considerably with my mental and physical acuity with next to no downsides or risks in turn. I too have ADHD, so it may not be as holistic for the typical person as it is for me.
>>275345
I detox from the miracle, baby-barf-in-my-mouth plant every other week. Keeps my anxiety and depression from rubberbanding and maximizes the positive effects of the herb down to the penny.

I hate being put on the spot, especially with a random out-of-the-blue question where I am expected to make a snap decision. I need to take time to think about things, which often makes me look slow and dull, but everyone from parents to teachers to bosses always expect an instant answer from me, but all they get is "I don't know" all the time which makes me look even more stupid. This is why I vastly prefer social media and emails to face-to-face interaction.

Why bother when I'm going to die young or kill myself? I have also have no one to share my piece with. I do enjoy drawing and playing piano but sometimes the intrusive thoughts win and I just stare at the ceiling for hours.

>>274900
I suffer from chronic pain in my ribs. Everything I do physically hurts and there's month long periods where I'm so dysfunctional I can't do anything but lay in bed and play vidya/watch movies. When I'm functional I'm always at risk of a sudden shift making the pain so bad I faint from it. It fucking sucks.