Voices pretending to know better than me again.
Hate it when they pull this shit.
For some reason I was starting to think that this year was going to be the year in which my family's problems (money and otherwise) would finally be over to the extent that we'd all end up being a lot closer and more comfortable than ever before but based on conversations that I've had with some of my family members over the months I think it's just gonna' be more of the same deep-seeded resentment that goes back decades and more forced, awkward, temporary, short-lived politeness.
So fucking sad. Smaller, and smaller family gatherings. There'd always be some awkwardness over the missing family members because they had an argument over an incident or whatever which happens like every year. So the extended family gets temporarily split up into at least two little "cliques" where you would only have the kids from one aunt communicating with the kids from another aunt and then for a short time nobody would bother keeping contact with the uncles because their spouses seem to be more problematic than the aunts' spouses for some reason or another or whatever.
Can't even really talk to anyone about my mental health issues. The only person in my family with whom I can talk with at all is my mother and that's because I live with her. So I tell her about my hallucinations and she then decides to throw holy water at me and tells me to do pushups or something.
Then I put on the news on TV and they're talking about Hamas and my mother asks me why the US is involved at all. Then they start talking about ISIS and she asks me if they're trying to spread communism. I then ask her why she never bothered to finish high school and she tells me because she's been busy taking care of me and my older brother.
Aaaaand here comes the Cotard's delusion again.
Oh fuck now they're showing me David Lynch's face for some reason. What could this possibly mean!? Should I rewatch Eraserhead, or something?
Naaaaah don't feel like it
Damn and they never mention any of the family members whom I met once or twice but they live in different states or even different countries entirely.
But nah that cousin of mine who lives about an hour away by train with whom I barely talk to is apparently dead for some reason and nobody bothers to tell me
In my defence immaturity is a sort of beta absolute power.
just post on Lolcow long enough, it's almost Orwellian - -
>hypersensitivity returning to the point where I can't even walk on concrete bare foot anymore
>my mutism from when I was a young child returning
>except randomly where I'll suddenly blurt out blunt statements like "I need money" or "I need to have sex with a succubus".
I've spent the last year in the same autistic routine and I think this is it for me.
>>285157>why the US is involved at all
as if they had any choice lol. kinda you sign up for this shit if you want to become the leading country in the world
the lonely true wizards seem to free their minds at night. He is always alone some things will never change…
did the people sign up for this? did the taxpayers who just want to be left alone and live comfortably sign up for this? i fucking hate my government with such a unbridle rage, these politicians are the most fakest and corrupt i've seen
if us looses this contest there will be no more comfort in your life your country will just collapse and that will be the end of it. it will take tens of years to recover. i'm exaggerating a bit, but the point is you're in the corner there's no escape but to give a fight.
the end goal of life is to shit your pants while watching tv and then fall and break your neck in the bathroom.
everytime i leave my keyboard i become aware of how fucking broken i am. my shuttered mind only holds togeher by virtue of pixels on the screen. i knew, i knew so fucking well where it was going when i had taken it so personally. fucking fool. never learn my lessons. but what else was left for me. i was too broken to refuse. and now i am too broken to even think or care clearly. fucking shit. holy fucking shit. curse this fucking existence
Anyone have this phenomenon where if you try to focus on something intellectual you start to feel sleepy?
Most people get bored and tired when they have to do something cognitively demanding. You either power through it or the positive feelings of curiosity push you through. It's always a bit of a slog, though.
Oh yeah, I’m a big suicide dude 👍
Got suicide wallpaper on my phone
Got a suicide mug
Got an ugly Christmas suicide jumper lmao Santa got a little shotgun in his mouth
My car licence plate is 5UI CIDZ
And my little cat is noosey
Big on the suicide
Little old me
so when are you killing yourself?
I’ve still got to complete my collection
There’s a cool suicide themed teapot
it should be your first priority to kill yourself first. Pretty sure your homosexuality can't be cured.
Who said anything about sex? You hot dog maniac
>>285171>"I need money"
lol I see we are random statement outburst buddies. I also say that one. ATM it's mostly I need money, I need sleep, and I need death
Also, "I love this show" or "I hate this show". I say this when I am not even watching a show. IDK why I'm like this.
Normalfags have SO much motivation. Like They must make the Motivation chemical at 10000x the rate I do because to motivate oneself to go to school for 4+ years requires some crazy powers I just don't have. my dad is a doctor. 12 fucking years. 12 years!!
I can't even imagine a month of going to school. I would quit immediately
I think about this constantly.
Where do they get all of that motivation from? The average person probably does more in a day than I do in a month.
think about it this way, normalniggers really aren't accomplishing anything great but what's average peer wise. They aren't inventing anything. They aren't solving any deep problem. On a major scale, they are basically ants, no matter how motivated they are and whatever small contributions to this sick system they make, they will pass with no glory because they are living doing what everybody else does and can't get out of it.
Doing and doing and doing is all meaningless in the long run. They do all that stuff because that's what they are supposed to, their lives will crumble if they didn't follow a regimen, a schedule, an order, but in the end, all that gets them is a mediocre life with nothing significant. Just another human trash who lived on this rock.
holy fucking cope
Wish I'd been born in a blue state, or at least a better zipcode. It's insane how where you're born impacts so much of your life, even if you go to college.
If I'd been born in the city I'd probably have a job by now. But I'm way out in the sticks with no car so my bank account is just drying up. Will I really have to go slave in a factory, even with my big fancy STEM degree? Just doesn't seem fair. And I can't imagine living a life where I go get yelled at in a warehouse, breaking my hands then come home and get bitched at by my mother too.
Life is so tiring. Hope the state calls me back for the job(s) I applied for. That would be such a blessing….
Oh and there's probably a mouse or something in my bed. Terrified of all rodents. So glad I get to leave this shithole trailier every weekend for driving lessons (nevermind that the oncoming snow will ruin that for me too).
he slips into his white jammies…
at at at nite
again these dreams where i am omnipotent. extremely pleasurable, but doesn't fix my feeling completely broken upon waking up. i hate waking up. i wish i didnt.
It all comes down to sex. If you want to have sex with attractive succubi, you need to essentially be a normalfag. You need a job, you need money, you need all the possessions to make you look attractive to them. This gives people who consider sex with succubus as an option for them tons of motivation. They keep chasing the next thing that will unlock the next tier of succubi. Promotion and new car means sex with hotter succubi, so they chase it. The other factor is social status. For someone living in isolation, social status means absolutely nothing unless your isolation is rudely interrupted, but for normies social status is a constant factor. They want to be admired by their friends instead of disdained. This gives them almost infinite motivation as well. If you get demoralized and believe that you won't be able to achieve success that will impress anyone or worse will only garner scorn and disdain, it ends up killing all motivation.
Sadly, I have to admit that rejection of normalfaggotry is at the core of the issue for wizards and why most of us are depressed. Normalfaggotry is what is designed to release the dopamine in your brain, that's why everyone is doing it. I consider myself an observer of the world rather than a participant in it and I don't think that will ever change.
>>285255>I consider myself an observer of the world rather than a participant in it and I don't think that will ever change.
my thoughts exactly. not sure if i agree with the whole post though. i know nothing about normalfags except that they are despicable, cruel, brain damaged thrash. that's why.
They just experience less stress. School is basically a factory where you follow directions and get a piece of paper at the end. Only way it takes actual effort is if being around people stresses you out and you still somehow haven't learned how to study after 12 years of regular schooling.
my heart is broken. i want nothing but see them them suffer utterly, writhe in terrible agony
yet the only thing you ever experience is misery and suffering.
i still dont understand what people mean when they say get a hobby. what are people doing all day?
>>285266>what are people doing all day?
>Why do you wanna' know if aliens really exist so badly?
Because I just wanna' know!
>Because no! You're gonna' tell everyone!
People report their encounters with aliens all the damn time or else I would never hear of them if that sort of thing never happened!
>And what happens after people tell?
Nobody really believes them.
>Exactly. So what's the point?
Show me the damn aliens!
>Fine. You really wanna' see aliens?
>BAM! There you go.
What the fuck was that?
>You tell us!
Looked like a small statue.
>Well there you go.
That's not a fucking alien!
>Oh and you know what aliens are supposed to look like?
Show me the fucking aliens!
>OK fine! BAM! There you go! Aliens.
That was just a fucking dream!
>How would you know?
I had to fall asleep first. It was nighttime. I have no recollection of me actually getting out of bed until after waking up. The people involved in the dream have no recollection of the events depicted actually occurring.
This is not metaphorical.
After spending years in content and communities relating to paranormal, occult and etc, I'm not sure if I've ever seen an account of any such phenomena that clearly didn't involve some form of altered state of consciousness. Now, if people want to go to the "but changing the consciousness let's you see what's really there man", then that's on them.
suffering is also hobby.
Fuck now they're pretending as if humanity is already like a type V civilization and that we already know everything but decided to regress
>>285266>i still dont understand what people mean when they say get a hobby
They don't know what they're saying. They just repeat preprogramed lines that sound "wise" or "helpful".
Refer to sociopathy thread on /lounge/
I feel that I'm splitting in two. One part is for now a small, but hateful vicious monster that desires nothing, but to slay. The other part is bigger, but merely shadow of my past, that still strives to experience some good emotions. There are some ties that hold the bigger part in control of my body, but these things will not last forever. A few years maybe. And what then? I don't know. I feel that I'm loosing it. It is really scary and unpleasant. I can't even explain. One second I burn with desire to disembowel somebody and then I'm back to normal, look back and fucking shudder. Maybe this is normal, I don't know, but it really scares me.
You may be interested in the phenomena of the human brain quite literally splitting in two down the middle as a consequence of depression, which keeps a constant release of stress hormones flowing, which further eats away at the grey matter which connects the logical and imaginative sides of the brain. To have two disconnected brains is to literally be two people. Who is in control of the shared motor or emotional centers, is up to willpower.
Same I was being all religious and tragic hero and shit just a few days ago and now I would drop a nuclear bomb on a city in a heartbeat.
>>285255>Sadly, I have to admit that rejection of normalfaggotry is at the core of the issue for wizards and why most of us are depressed. Normalfaggotry is what is designed to release the dopamine in your brain, that's why everyone is doing it.
Astute observation that might get under the skin of some wizzies.
But nonetheless, an astute observation.
Help me get started with reading on the topic.
Don't buy it anon. There were plenty of very motivated people in history who did not see sex as #1 priority. Of course I am sure I am going to get "cope" as a response, but you can reply as you want.
>>285287>who did not see sex as #1 priority.
It's objectively the top priority of all living organism.
Except for 2000's Man. Since surrogacy is a thing now, the top priority is now sharing it's place with money to afford one and later it will be cloning.
Cloning would in fact be a superior method to achieve reproduction.
inb4 "there are higher purposes than that"
Good luck with that one.
>>285289>It's objectively the top priority of all living organism.
I guess we disagree, wizanon.
You should look up the way colonies of amoeba reproduce.
The world is a vampire!
Everything is terrible again.
Each amoeba is a single organism with its own genome. You'd think they would all be concerned with their own survival and propagation. But when they form colonies for survival and reproduction, many die and do not pass on their genes so that others will live and pass on theirs. Even single celled organisms display altruism.
It's amazing how much more psychotic one can become over the course of just a few minutes regardless of how much sleep one had.
Don't try to educate people whose understanding of evolution is what they learned from the magic school bus.
Woke up because something was scratching. It's something in the wall beside entry door. I fucking just don't feel like sleeping. Can mice get inside a wall and do their best to scare the fuck out of me?
The idea is that you have to reproduce, possibly pass on the vest genes, otherwise there will be no survival. So it wouldn't be a surprise if reproduction was one of the deepest level instincts.
fix: best instincts
Oh no, it's happened. I want to blow my brains out again.
I think the prune juice is finally doing its job.
But the hallucinations remain.
And you remain boring. Can you shut the fuck up already? You're like a broken record.
What? This is the first time I've posted on here.
>>285302>The idea is that you have to reproduce…otherwise there will be no survival
I want you to really absorb what I told you. And it's not limited to amoebas either. There is so much more to survival than reproduction, and there's more to life than survival. These amoeba don't even live in colonies all the time, it's not like they are a community. But they will sacrifice themselves without reproducing. And the gene or whatever compels them to do that has persisted for millions of years despite the lack of reproduction.
That's awful, man. Don't tell anyone about this or else the will-o'-wisps will eat you up at night.
I lost 10,000 USD sportsbetting :(
I turned 17 years old over 17 years ago. I swear that I feel almost as if my entire adult life has been like a "second childhood". One might think that a 34-year-old is far wiser than a 17-year-old, but not quite. It's as if I was expected to forget just about everything I learned in the first 17 years of my life and then simply reset my self. Restart as a blank slate, but at 17.
And now I feel as if I'm being told to do it again at 34. Another 17 years of "childhood". A third childhood.
I CANNOT INTO SPEAKING
I HAVE THE DUMB
I lost the keys to my sports car :(
Chronic Fatigue has destroyed my life.
Fresh excuse dropped?
>>285321>bro its all in your head
Fucking kill yourself.
>>285325>>bro its all in your head
Nobody said that. Nobody said anything like that. It would have been a stupid thing to say, which would make it easy to argue against and call out as stupid, so it makes sense that you would imagine that someone had said it in order to make responding easier.
>>285312>there is so much more>there are colonies
I would be most grateful if you spent a minute to elaborate what your statements entail. Amoebas might form colonies for a lot of practical reasons and sacrifice themselves just by accident or as he result of logically explained behavior. You statements alone do not prove anything. I need a deeper insight in what you describe and I really have no energy to look up books on the topic and process them, because I'm already dead, just waiting for the death to catch up. So if you really care about a corpse considering your opinion as valid, would be nice if you wrote just a bit more of meaningful text.
irony is that if it's not in your head then where?
it's not like i don't understand the consequences. but it's like i can do anything about my head turning off either. sometimes i just hang in one position for a few minutes, sometimes i just feel like my head is not integer inside and i can't think. it feel like if didn't sleep for a few days and then slept a hour in an uncomfortable position. it is horrible
this is fucking overwhelming
It's not that I can't do it, it's just that I'm super tired! Super duper rare disease holding me back from greatness y'all!
you just got mega owned
the dude replied again showing OP was right ( >>285336
and you psychological narrative is in tatters man
trying to double team OP
you both A GRADE normie fucks
I wish upon OP great fortunes
And for you and your asshole friend great anal rape
you will be humiliated and will be unable to post again
defending boys in the depression crawl thread
against the normalniggers
>>285298>many die and do not pass on their genes so that others will live and pass on theirs.
So why aren't you raising Michael Jordan's 12 adopted kids?
Where is your altruism and concern for "survival of the best genes"
I'm too fatigued to think of a witty comeback. Darn it…
i hate everything. there isn't any single thing left that's not worth hating.
Where do you get the energy to hate? I am constantly fatigued, one might even say chronically.
i don't know wiz. at first i was very fatigued as well. same as you describe. maybe a year or so. then it changed to a monotonous state of half existence. i don't know where i get the energy. i can't explain. i don't feel anything, but i just know that i hate everything. it's like the hate and other emotions are separate from me. i hate this shit so much. i hate no other emotions left. misery, pain and hatred. hatred. eternal, hollow, bitter, flat, emotionless hatred. and yet it's not like *i* feel it. i don't know. i don't have strength to figure it out. i don't know who am i anymore. i wish badly to destroy or to be destroyed. i hate this state of being barely alive and yet not close to dying.
It's amazing how little I understand of how the world works at the age of 34.
I remember when I was involuntarily committed to a hospital last year for 72 hours and noticing that nobody hospitalized there appeared to be particularly aggressive, nor did they seem like the homeless types. Just a lot of average-looking people of various ages, races, and sexes–still intelligible and polite.
It's weird because there's over 70,000 homeless people in Los Angeles county and I'm just like…
aw fuck it's pretty obvious isn't it
Sometimes I feel like you guys aren't being real, figuratively and literally…
It's a bit mind-blowing in a way but it probably shouldn't be to find out that therapists, psychiatrists, and other mental health care providers are people too and that they get bored and annoyed with you like everyone else and some of them are easier to offend than others
Ha. I remember when a high school teacher told the class that playing video games is not a hobby.
Now it's a sport.
I wish I was stoned.
Asphyxiate with a belt. Same effect, less brain damage.
I feel that way because of how little conversation there is and how vague the posts are.
perhaps you chose a wrong board. when i'm put down by this dumb phantom suffering i really don't give a fuck about what's happening around i juts write vent posts and keep alternating between complete withdrawing into daydreams and writing vent posts.
Japanese kid says inside a Studio "I want ANIMATION"
Animator says "Animation? they work on them here"
He looks around and says "What? THIS? No, this is just Pixar"
"I want ANIMATION"…
I go to sleep now - -.
noo pls don't fuck me
i hate therefore i live
What happened to those "End of the Wizard" threads? Those were interesting in a depressing way. Lotta actual wizards on there.
I remember those, I haven't seen one in years.
I asked about them and someone said "they're nothing special fuck off tourist". I agree they were very interesting, but maybe the target audience userbase already moved on.
we had one this year. It's unremarkable drivel that's not set on reality and just a bored guy, like many of us, who is musing over the future of wizardry and wizards online.
Shit, I could make a thread like that but why bother? If you want something to be discussed on this site, anything at all, go make a thread about it.
link me to archive wanna read up one of them
You know what? I think I will, I had one ready years(?) ago when the threads were still being made and never posted it.>>285379>but maybe the target audience userbase already moved on.
It's strange that wizards are the minority on wizchan.>>285381
I have only a couple of the links. I think the "latest" one is still in the archives.
213134 - Inventory is empty - https://web.archive.org/web/20210608115528/https://wizchan.org/dep/res/213134.html
241493 - End of the Wizards III : Who comes after us? - https://web.archive.org/web/20210826112850/https://wizchan.org/dep/res/241493.html
>>285380>who is musing over the future of wizardry and wizards online.
That's not interesting to you? The internet is so small and homogenised, and boundary between real life and the internet is non-existent that it must be very different for the modern day outcast. Like I can't even imagine it.
>>285383>I have only a couple of the links
pretty dismal to be honest. almost no real wizcussion. normies have claimed a complete, ultimate victory and i feel heartbroken because of this. i hate them so much.
fuck this fuck this fuck this fuuuck. die die die die die die. fucking thrash, scum, dregs. fucking disintegrate. fuck!!!!
These are the faces of gaming now?
this is not fucking real. this is not fucking real. this. is. not. fucking. real. wonderful to see how all wonders of life are taken away in a single day and you're left to eternal meaningless suffering. this is not fucking real. this can't be real. and i'm not alive. no i'm not. i have dies. many years ago. an accident. a stupid little accident. ever since i was just a tortured spirit, wandering about, not knowing why i haven't been taken to hell already. what a fucking cruel joke. why? this is not fucking real. this is not fucking real.
just fucking end this shit. why are others permitted to experience the mercy of quick death while i'm not? why!?
give me a grenade i want to blow the fuck out of me
after all it's me. just me. fucking piece of shit. i must die.
The file attached to your post displays most exquisite computer-generated imagery. The choice of texture on the bird is particularly fascinating.
>>285383>I have only a couple of the links. I think the "latest" one is still in the archives.
>213134 - Inventory is empty - https://web.archive.org/web/20210608115528/https://wizchan.org/dep/res/213134.html>241493 - End of the Wizards III : Who comes after us? - https://web.archive.org/web/20210826112850/https://wizchan.org/dep/res/241493.html
I <3 u anon.
Have I ever told you how much I hate Sundays? I think I've always hated Sundays. I hated Sundays when I was still in school over twenty years ago, and I hate Sundays now. You know who doesn't hate Sundays? My older brother. Sundays are his "fun days"! Like in that song… "Manic Monday" I think it was called.
Sunday is the day of sun. Love the days of the the sun and thou shalt be happy! I like to think about suicide on Sunday evenings!
i am the happiest person on this planet. i don't know why i keep rambling about suicide and misery. it is not true. i feel very happy. am i just overwhelmed with happiness?
i ate and that made me feel giddy and unstable.
i still feel giddy and unstable even though i have eaten. too much happiness
There's little point posting anywhere when you know what the normals are going to jump down your throat with is there?
i feel bad
i have strange urges when i watch lights flicker on the screen. they do it so smoothly and nicely. i feel like i want to flicker with them but i can't. what the fuck, jesus christ
I went outside again today.
It's amazing how fake everything looks. I mean, when people use the word "fake" here in Los Angeles; they're usually referring to the superficiality of the city's culture.
When I use the word "fake" here; I'm actually referring to how unusually artificial the world at large feels now. It's difficult to describe. It's not a pleasant feeling. I can spend most of the day outside and it doesn't stop feeling fake.
I think my father is in the early stages of dementia. He often says the wrong word and he can barely handle grocery shopping. Sometimes we get too much food or too little and stuff he buys for a side dish he just forgets to make. It was his week to shop/cook this week and he ran out of food halfway so he had to go get more and he got salmon again even though he just made it a few days ago. He told me he can't park straight in spaces anymore. It's just depressing seeing this and knowing it will only get worse. Knowing my dad he will be one of the ones who just denies there is an issue even as his mind turns into mush. We will have to hide the keys and stuff soon. Luckily my mother is only losing her hearing. Soon I should remember that I just need to shout every time I interact with her and it will stop being an issue.
Strange choices for PBS docs that Youtube would want to show me lately!
Hold up I think that walk earlier dfbjijutrddbjkjuhn
Ah, the sad nostalgia…
Sad nostalgia for November of 2016…
For November of 2015…
For November of 2006…
But why do I get the feeling that I will wake up one day and find out that it's November of 1992?
My dad's mom also seems to be in the early stages of dementia. 10 years ago she used to be snappy, witty, and on-the-ball in her speech. Last time I talked to her she just seemed very fuzzy, slow, and out of it. So weird man
Damn my childhood was so fucking dull. Looking back; I think that I was overall content rather than happy in my early childhood (1988 to 1997). Some of my "happier" memories were things like playing Pokeman Snap I think in… Christmas of 1999. But 1999, 2000, and 2001 were some of the worst years of my childhood.
I don't think it's normal to feel the levels of cynicism I do. I am making some macaroni and cheese, and on the little packet for the cheese it says "hoppiness starts here" and there's little hearts and peace signs on it. And instead of thinking "oh that's kinda cute" or "oh that's stupid" I can only feel disgust and think "what a pathetic cloy to get me to like this mac and cheese". Like I didn't buy the product with my own money. What is wrong with me. Why can't I forgive even a package of mac and cheese.
I haven't been hungry lately. Mite be cancer, idk, just live on coffee and crackers. Not good.
I loved Bibop. What a masterpiece. I wish they did things like that now.
i still remember the days when the internet wasnt overrun by faggotry, niggers, and female influence like it is today. social media killed the internet and now its overrun by what I call the online niggers, i long for the days the internet was all fellow loner outcasts from real life, but like everything else the "cool kids" and "normalfag cliquers" had to come and in ruin everything as usual.
The current situation of the Internet reminds me of the stories about Europeans' settlement in North America.
Whites had their containment space in Europe, but decided to invade, kill the locals (aka losers of today), strip them from their space (aka losers boards) and claim it as theirs.
When you think about it, what we live now has always been the story of humanity.
I remember when it wasn't overrun with bigots like you. Those were the days…
you are nothing. you are void. embodiment of emptiness and decay. enjoy your stay in this eternal nonexistence.>>285527
don't seethe please you have already won do you really need to mock us so badly? victory isn't enough is it?
no it isn't. off yourself.
Mock you? I'm not mocking you, just telling you I fucking hate you and wish you were dead or otherwise unable to shit up the internet with your presence. You racists spend all day complaining about people you hate and then you get a tiny taste of your own medicine and immediately play the victim. It's just pathetic. My hatred is actually justified too because it is aimed at specific individuals for your choices whereas your hatred is aimed at entire groups of people for their intrinsic god-given qualities which is retarded. If I were to say I hate all men because they commit way more crime than succubi you would probably say it's not right to treat men like that because the majority are not criminals. Funny how this thinking goes out the window when it is being applied to someone else instead of you. You are not thinking, you are reacting. You are nothing more than a ball of id, unmoored by any sort of higher reasoning. Never once have I seen a post including some sort of bigotry that has contributed something of value, all you do is complain and heap your hatred upon people you have never met who have never done anything to you. Please just fuck off and die already and stop shitting up the internet with a million uninteresting posts about how you hate minorities. You are a bully and a normalfaggot who picks on those who are different merely because their differences enrage you. Die please.
Still can't sleep. It is torture spending all night tossing and turning just to see the sun come up. I would trade my left nut for a full 8 hours of sleep.
tfw normalniggers and females are taxxed so I can neet :P
feels good to make you seethe this much. Now follow your own advice and kill yourself, you are a literal nigger or female and both are better off dead since they are subhuman.
don't lie to yourself, your brain wants to hide from the truth. when i tell you the truth you say "no" because you can't accept reality, look at how much suffering, so many of y our ancestors fell before you, you'll eventually join them and that'll be it, just enjoy your faggot life already
FUCK NIGGERS JEWS AND FAGGOTS
No I'm going to stay a virgin instead
raises a valid point. "To fuck" is a niggerism (and therefor a Semitism) which means "to have sexual imtercourse with". There are many ways to say that you hate groids and their leash-holders, but using their language to say that you wish to have gay srx with them is not a good way to say. "Kill niggers" or "I hate Jews" is always proper.
Wizards don't fuck. Even those who can planar shift to the waifu realm don't say that they "fuck" their waifus.
You ever feel that life is a series of multiple choice actions and in which the freedom of choice is an illusion?
>>285383>I think the "latest" one is still in the archives.
The one that says "Outside Looking In"? If not, I have that one in old messy html scattered format, but it's there.
Whenever I see the government talking about cracking down on welfare I get a horrible feeling. Welfare was the only thing that made life easier.
>>285562>government talking about cracking down on welfare
Literally nobody says this. The government wants you as dependent on it as possible, not the other way around.
First hand I’ve seen people lose welfare and their lives turn to shit. Work requirements people can’t meet and getting restricted money. I dont think your theory works for the dregs.
Hallucination just told me to go rent a car. I hate it when they just tell me to do random things like that. I was just getting teary-eyed over something from 2018 and 2019.
>go to sleep 2 hours earlier
>oversleep 1 hour resulting in well over 10 hours of sleep
>go to sleep 1 hour later
>wake up after 5.5 hours of sleep
what the actual fuck it's still dark and i lay and look at the roof. i strange hatreds inside me talk about how this is fucking ridiculous. the whole situation, i mean. i feel like that pajeet from the other thread, honestly.
nigger neighbors have been acting loud lately, one of them is a pregnant sometimes I think about causing the bitch a quick abortion. There should be less niggers in this world.
The only thing that could make me feel happy is a shot of heroin/opioids and nothing else.
and even that would be very brief and with withdrawals. i wonder if drugs kill your ability to experience emotions without drugs.
>>285588>i wonder if drugs kill your ability to experience emotions without drugs.
It's called derealization and it goes away within a few days.
i mean longer term consequences. like with alcohol.
Has anyone actually ever just skipped down and abandoned their old life?
I'm at the verge of it honestly, just an IRL ghost of the world. Change my phone number, change my email, disappear away from everyone I know. Live on NEETbux alone in the countryside.
I hate people.
I don't want to do anything because if I force myself to put effort into something, my body is going to pump out a bunch of cortisol and stress hormones and then I'll feel anxious, uncomfortable and will have much more trouble sleeping tonight. I feel like my body has a binary switch where I am either very lethargic and depressed or very tense and stressed. No way to be balanced and sustainable.
I was honestly thinking about it for a while now, but I don't have the required resources. I fully share your hatred towards people and would like to live somewhere off society.>>285596
Put less effort. Say you want to read a book, so read a paragraph a day. If a paragraph looks to intimidating read only part of it. But do it every day. In my experience this strategy is worth at least trying.
I find the idea that people produce offspring so that the offspring end up changing their parents' diapers when they are old to be a bit disturbing tbh
this is happening again. you'd think you could spare me.
I don't know how to commmunicate. I'm not good at English or any language.
I don't know what's the point in typing this. No one is going to read this. I'm an embarassment. I've said the same time a lot of times so don't waste your time reading this. And even if someone reads this it won't make a difference to me.
I wish there were a god reading this, I wish there were some kind of god who would listen to my prayers and that would help me. I believe in God very much. I love God so much. But I think God abandoned me.
I don't know. I just love, love drawing, math and cs, and music. I love these things. I wish I had spent my youth learning those things, I wanted to see how far I could go. I wanted to contribute. I wanted to solve problems. I wanted to be useful. I wanted to be a good person. I wanted to be free. I wanted to show what I'm like inside. I just love, love learning things and imagining and creating and solving problems and understanding how things work and I don't know, like using your mind's eye to see nice things and contributing and doing nice things, living in my own world. I don't know, I think I'm just a retarded unimportant subhuman obnoxious freak monkey, like really, seriously, retarded, mentally ill, 60 IQ. But to be honest I feel something inside me, like there's a part of me that's different, and I want to be only this part of me, not the bad part, and I'm really proud of this piece of me, and I don't know. It's like I have a lot of ideas, a lot of visions, there are a lot of dreams that I want to realize. And like, I want to be very dedicated, and try very hard, and be very devoted, and try to be the best I can. But my life is a mess. I don't know. I was born in an abysss. I wish I had the same chances as everyone else. I lost my life. I never had control over my own life, I never got to choose, I never had a chance. I don't know, I've already said this a lot of times, but it hurts a lot, and I always feel like I can't properly express myself, and that there was something important that I was supposed to say but I didn't. I don't know, maybe I'm just delluding myself into thinking I'm someone I'm not, I don't really know because I never got to try and see how far I can go, but it doesn't even matter my skill level, I just genuinely love, really love, these things, drawing, math and cs, and music, and anything that lets me use my imagination and use my head and anything that lets me be free inside, and I just wanted to spend a lot of time with these things, but I didn't because I have a sh*tty life, it's awful. It really sucks, I just wanted to have a normal childhood where I could have just chosen to do what I want with my own life and have free time and choose how to spend it but I didn't even have that. I just wanted to have spent my youth learning like I wanted to. They say you reap what you sow, and there are consequences to our decisions, what if I wanted to follow a path, but I wasn't allowed to? What if I didn't choose this, what if I wanted to live my life differently but wasn't allowed to because of my circumstances? There wasn't anything I could have done. I was born in a hell and I don't know how to explain what it's like here. I wish I could reincarnate, I wish I had another life, this one was just a prison and now it's over and too late to fix it. Sorry, this is really cringe and stupid and narcissistic and all bad words to just say the same thing over and over again over years. I don't ever talk to anyone and I think I'm going to die without ever trying any of the things I wanted to try in life so at least I feel a little better talking about it. Sorry for being a terrible awful subhuman monkey primate retard cringe and all the other bad words. I don't know, I don't really care about anything else. I don't care about having friends, consuming media, a partner, having the right opinions, buying cool things from the internet, having money, looking good, eating well, having s*x, doing any of the things that everyone else does. I just really love learning and reading and I like math and cs, and drawing, and music, and I wanted to devote my life to those things. At least math and cs. I don't know, it's hard to explain this, but it's like there's a path I want to follow, live a certain kind of lifestyle, but my life is a mess, it's already over so it doesn't matter , aside from personal enjoyment. I don't know if I can survive in this world, I just wanted to be a child again so I could have free time to learn and try. I don't know, it hurts a lot, that's why I have to talk about it, because I'll die even though I wanted to try and see how far I can go, and to be honest I like to imagine being able to succeed, drawing really nice and beautiful and pretty things and writing very elegant programs and solutions to problems and listening to good music. It's probably not realistic to pursue the three things, I would probably choose mainly math/cs and go to an university to study these things because it seems to be the most important and the greatest and gives the highest degree of mental freedom but I like to imagine also drawing as a secondary hobby and listening to a a lot of music. I don't know. I just like imagining doing things that I'll never get to do, never be allowed to do.
I don't know, sorry for typing a long wall of text, I know nobody cares. There are so many things I want to say, there are so many ideas I wanted to share, but don't fit into language, I could only properly communicate through actions and works, I'll never get to show what I mean. This process of typing and making a post gives my brain a short circuit and I spend several days or even a month, anxiously thinking about what I've done and regretting it. So it consumes a lot of time and I have to stop. Sorry for posting, I just pollute the internet and make it a worse place for everyone else with each character I type. But I feel something very important but I don't know how to communicate this. I feel something inside me. I just think my life could have been different, I just wanted to have tried, wanted to see what I can do, wanted to learn a lot of cool things, I didn't because my life is a mess, I didn't get to live my life. It's not my fault. No point in trying anymore, I can't do the things I wanted to, I wanted to at least spend all of my life trying, but it's a mess, I live in hell, and now is too late, all falling apart, I'm dying, it's over. I'll try even though there's no point anymore. I just want to be a good person and live my life and work towards my goals and realize my little, stupid, pathetic, insignificant dreams. But by the looks of it I won't be allowed to. The most likely outcome seems to be quitting because I can't find a way to make a living and still having time to invest in my projects and then become homeless and starve to death. Sorry. I'm just a mentally ill subhuman monkey freak retard loser cringe chud pathetic obnoxious narcissistic unimportant stinky garbage. I just love imagining nice things and wanted to realize as many of them as possible, I love dreaming. I want to live my life, there are so many things I wanted to do. But I'll never get to. I just live in a cage. I don't know what's the point in typing this. I can't explain why I ended up like this, and what I mean by my life being hell and being born in an abyss and being a prison. I'm too much of a freak for this to make any sense to any normal person. And I can't get across what I mean. I don't know, I just feel something inside me and I feel like there's a path I must follow but I can't, not because I can't or because I don't want to, but because I've been given a really bad life, it's a mess, it's hell, it's an abyss, it's a prison, and I can't seem to get out of it.
I want to live alone now and live like I think I was supposed to live so I'll be alone and embrace loneliness but it's not that I want the magic to end but I don't know what else I'm supposed to say and this is consuming a lot of time I should be investing on other things even if I remember something important that I was supposed to say. I'm just going to live my life like I was supposed to and not care if I'm alone because I believe in God but I know God probably abandoned me and I'm just going to die like I never existed. But I was here and I existed. I just don't know what I'm supposed to say, I think something went very wrong and it was supposed to be different and my life is ruined now so at least I have to say something but I don't know what it is. I'm just ignorant and don't know how the world works, in the abyss desperately trying to follow the light, but I'm in a prison and can't seem to be able to escape. I'm going to start something new and original, even though no one will see it, it will only last an instant if I even get to start it, and then death will erase it as if it never existed, even though it did. I want to be free. I want to dream and imagine and realize my dreams and imagination. Sorry. My life is just very bad, it sucks a lot, and I will never be allowed to do any of the thigns I want to do I'm gonna try, there are a lot of things I want to say but I'll just be silent from now on and focus on trying and either I'll make it or I'll die like I never existed. I will try doing what I think I'm supposed to do and not care about anything else and just be alone and quiet and try really hard and assume I'm on the right path but I think God abandoned me. And I assume I tried to communicate even though I don't know what I was supposed to say. I know I'm going to fail but I'll try. This is just taking a lot of time and I have to move on.
Sorry. I don't know what I'm supposed to say. I don't know. I just don't know. I don't understand anything and I'm just agonizing. I really don't know what I'm supposed to say, I think I'm supposed to say something, but I don't know what it is. I hope this is enough. Sorry for split post and spam.
UK: Wanna watch highly cynical movie that relates with u ina bad way?
Me: Dafuq? NO! Why???
USA: Look, atheist! I totally gaslight u now!
Me: - -
It's funny reading about how in China, literally all the peasants that followed the government rules and didn't steal or hoard food just died.
Funny to think that throughout history there's just been culling of the teacher's pets. I cynically think those types of agreeable types in 1970s China must've thought themselves morally superior, only to be the ones filtered out.
I think that if I was a normal who had kids, I'd just explicitly teach them to view authorities with contempt, explain how all those moral teachings are meant to control you, and to lie along to get your way.
>>285630>literally all the peasants that followed the government rules and didn't steal or hoard food just died.
So will the vax kill us or no?
>>285614>I wish I had the same chances as everyone else
You mean the lucky 5%? Because everyone else has shitty life as well. I share your feelings on life being ruined and taken away before it is even began. I also kinda live in a state when I just count the days until the end and do random things they tell me to do. Don't even feel like living human anymore.>>285616
You have been forgiven.
i fucking hate that my life was ruined for no reason. this is fucking unfair. at this point i wish i could teleport to some comfy place to neet and die.
I hear you there, everything feels manufactured now. I noticed that all the culture you used to find in different states in the US is dead. We now have this dreadful homogenous culture where literally everyone has the same generic accent, same bland interests, and identical political opinions. But don't you forget that no matter how incompetent they are they are unique snowflakes entitled to your respect and gratitude.
No, no, no! You don't understand! Everything feels fake in a Matrix sort of way. Like the whole world was created Last Thursday sort of way. Like the Moon is actually a hologram sort of way.
hey guys idk if anyone will read this or not but I am exactly like this guy>>285614, mentally ill, the only difference is I am 18 and I am stupid, I want to go deep into natural sciences and cs but I am too stupid to even learn calculus with proofs. I feel like I am inferior to everyone, I am a disappointment to my parents. I wish that I just didn't exist and its just the beginning things will just get more worser as time passes by. I am socially isolated at this age and I don't remember when was the last time I have talked to anyone else other than my family. My planning to off myself in few years till then I am stuck with you guys.
You are 18, not even a 5th through your life and probably less than 13 of those years were actually spent with any self-awareness. You're too young to be dropping the "I'm too stupid for this" excuse and it's quite upsetting to think that you may feel that way because someone who hates you managed to drill it in to your head. You're still in an unstable brain state brought about by your growth hormones. There is no better time for you to learn something than there is now. Planning suicide at 18 isn't "wizardly" nor is it "based"and blackpilled" or whatever the fuck Discord troons are calling it these days. Again, it's upsetting to imagine that you're having these ideations because some faggot online tricked you in to romanticizing depression and defeat. And if you did have these self-dstructive epiphanies all on your own, then beat yourself up and take up weightlifting so you can beat yourself up hader next time you have such an awful thought. "Everyone (random ormalfags) are better than me so I plan on suicide". pheh. Close the laptop lid and open a book, unless the book is an ebook then keep the laptop open but [x] the chat and imageboard tabs out.
Watch a Youtube video on getting started with CS or whatever. Try it out. If you learn slower than your peers, then so be it, just take more care to remember and experiment with a learning regiment that works for you. If school didn't work for you, it's because school sucks. if your parents don't believe in you, it's because they're gay. If yo don't believe in you, then at least believe in the me who believes in you.
My #1 regret is writing myself off too soon. Defining yourself so early is the most stupid thing you can do. You will have enough time to doom when you hit 30. Until then give it your best so you won't have regrets. Also don't worry if things take longer and you don't finish your degree on time.
wholeheartedly agree. when you're 18 and you have possibilities to try you absolutely must use them. it is absolute fucking hell when you *don't* the possibilities while still young and striving. you just watch yourself rot away and you know there's simply nothing you can do, because nothing of this stupid horrid fucking shit depends on you.
2007 wasn't that long ago, was it?
idk man I just relapse everytime I try to do something, everything feels so tough. Its been going on for more than 8 months now, I can't focus on basic shit. I don't have any confidence left to fail again. I don't remember when was the last time someone said to me that they believe in me, thanks man.
you need to understand that are moments for everything and will realize this with age. Eventually, will know that are things who will affect your mood and that's fine; e.g. I drank coffee/cola, slept bad, I burnt my dopamine receptors with tiktok/shorts/media algorithms and right now I can't be fully immerse reading this book, but I need to fix those and try again in a better mood or later. With age, you also have this thing of just doing or at least doing for the sake of doing, because with given time and consistency you can learn anything and that's why people say: "do this for 30 minutes at day you will learn". Also, there's interest, which makes everything easier, if don't, prepare yourself to be disciplined and consistent because will take time and won't be easy, which is normal for everyone. Summarizing, with age will know yourself better, knowing the cause for such behaviors, will lose this anxiety, will know the importance of keeping the mind busy and most important will stop caring because you are an adult now and if you don't do no one else will do. The will to kill yourself goes away after 23 which roughly when brain is fully developed and when you lose the neuroplasticity and will require discipline and consistency (routine) for everything, be aware of that but the idealization persists like "I should kill myself… I wanna die… I'm useless, etc." and eventually will realize this is a way to comfort yourself and an addiction caused by overthinking, just being away from computer and keeping the mind busy fix it.
I used to drink coffee too excessively, I am caffeine free for about 1 month. Now I have crippling anxiety and I can't focus for too long too. I used to study like 12 hours a day and now I can't even focus for 3 hours straight. I became depressed, started consuming gore, starting spending my time on image boards. Now I don't know if I can be fixed or not. I probably have burnt my dopamine receptors too. I just don't know what to do and where to start now.
You suggesting I move to the UK?
'Cause I was thinking New Zealand 😉
So, yeah, man. I pretty much, like, never had an adulthood. It's only been a three-and-a-half-decade-long childhood.
What you are feeling are the caffeine withdraws and soon will be away. >Now I don't know if I can be fixed or not.
Of course it can, get away the internet, do walks outside and get back to studying, that will keep you busy and try at least a few minutes. >I probably have burnt my dopamine receptors too. I just don't know what to do and where to start now.
It's a temporary thing, remember that. As long as you keep yourself busy doing some productive and away from your addiction, the things will get better
Its definitely not caffeine withdrawals as I feel way better than I was on caffeine. I will try as hard as I can I don't have any choice either, this or sooner or later I am gonna kms if things don't change.
i used to be
i'm tired of alternating
flood detected post discarded
yeah pretty much this
Probably the extroversion vs introversion thing. We get tired and annoyed from being around people, they get tired and annoying from being alone. (Look at how they behaved during lockdowns) So all these things that seem tiring to us, would be fun to them because it all allows them to participate in the social game.
I find it utterly frustrating that my brain is programmed to have a meaning yet this life inherently can have no meaning. I am basically forced to life a live for nothing when inner forces drill it into my consciousness that it is wrong and should be otherwise. Just kill me already, why all this trouble of coercing into suicide?
The day has finally come. I am now officially a 30 year old wizard. When do I get my robe and wand in the mail?
Happy birthday Wiz. Robes, hat, and wand (or staff if you opted for it) ship on the first of every month or next work day.
On your wizard duty application, what did you put down for "If you could tell your 18 year old self one thing, what would it be?"?
I have the same problem
Even if I was a billionaire, this problem wouldn't be solved.
How do you begin to create any kind of life when you're a mentally retarded NEET at 30 years old? I want to get away from my parents but this feels like trying to climb K2 with only a shovel and a box of twine.
i'm so fucking helpless and useless at everything. Been taken care of my entire life. I can't cope with how helpless I feel all the time
THIS IS THE ROOM
THE START OF IT ALL
NO PORTRAIT SO FINE
ONLY SHEETS ON THE WALLS
I'VE SEEN THE NIGHTS FILLED WHIT BLOODSPORT AND PAIN
AND THEIR BODIES OBTAINED
THEIR BODIES OBTAINED
THEIR BODIES OBTAINED
WHEN WILL IT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND WHEN WILL IT EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND
Well that was an awkward-as-hell party.
congratulations! happy wizardry in you new life!
My brain simply doesn't produce those feel good chemicals I guess
guess sometime never
no no no no no
i am yet again engulfed into autistic maladaptive obsession with daydreaming about remote semi closed super comfy anonymous node based cyberpunk neurotypical hostile place. semi closed because you can get in/out, but for the rest it is a completely isolated ecosystem, where everything is nice and everyone is happy. little place with no authority where everyone adheres to some codex. i can't end this. is this another torture to endure holy fucking shit
i need to fucking pull my internet cable out
I haven't brushed my teeth in 3 days, I'm sick, and I drank a 750 of vodka yesterday and felt like I was going to seize this morning. Please let me die. I got chipotle for my mom and I yesterday so that was actually pretty fun
Probably investment advice. Not a fan of wagecucking.
I think family gatherings are going out of fashion and I blame the Mayans.
>>285258>They just experience less stress
It has something to do with executive functioning. That is, staying on task, organizing, following through, controlling emotions, focusing, that kind of stuff. I suck at all the things I mentioned.
>>285258>somehow haven't learned how to study after 12 years of regular schooling
Only learned how to learn at 25.
School would have been a breeze if they would have just told me how to pass the tests instead of hoping that I would stop being actually interested in learning things and magically discover the test passing method on my own.
So few people see the error here. You dont need to directly reproduce in order to pass on your genes. Some specific normalfag's genes might produce a high IQ gay autist 1% of the time. If those autists never reproduce, but sometimes increase the fitness of the tribe by developing technology or science or taking care of orphaned kids, then these genes which lead to occasional autists may propagate.
Even if that person increases the fitness of the group, those genes are still not passed on. Try again.
Just stating that you disagree isnt going to change my understanding of it. Perhaps you could at least attempt to make an argument?
explain the mechanism where the genes in that person are transferred to anyone else.
Are you both really so dumb you can't understand that sometimes chances of survival are much higher in society than when you're on your own? Amoebas forming colonies really does tell nothing. Reproduction is top 1 priority simply because it is the only way for the life survive. If life didn't have the reproduction as the ultimate, most important goal, it wouldn't exist. It aligns very well with the theory of evolution and the theory that says life created itself spontaneously. How reproduction is achieved is irrelevant. If all colonies but one must die the sacrifice will be made. If the whole humanity but a few thousand of chosen ones must die, the sacrifice will be made. Nothing matters, when the ability to reproduce is in danger. Just because somebody has to die means nothing.
It's not clear to me what you dont understand.
Your genes came from your parents, with some mutations. The genes are contained within the parents. The same genes will be present in other relatives, including siblings. Genes may not always express themselves, and specific mutations may occur with some probability.
If you do not reproduce, but you increase the fitness of your relatives, your genes may be passed on via your relatives, because you tilted natural selection. You need to think about individual genes and this process occurring in a statistic manner over thousands of years.
That only works if your altruism is limited expressly to consanguinity.
I have no clue what people mean when they say "Passing on your genes is the meaning of life". Literally, I do not understand the idea behind the statement. Are they saying I ought to have children? Like a moral claim? Like I'm being a bad person if I don't have kids? Or are they saying I'm not going to fit in with the other life forms if my loins do not produce another biological entity. It doesn't seem like anyone is harmed by me not having kids.
Like woah dude! You are really different from other life forms. Is it just a big appeal to peer pressure? That makes the most sense to me.
>>285835>yes, everyone is here because of the genetic code which wants organisms to replicate, this is written in your DNA and that of every human and living organism
Ok? I'm here because of genetic code, what does that have to do with anything. I'm also here because my dad didn't believe in condoms, should I go burn down the condom factory? The fuck is this argument.
Do not listen to them guys bring up amoebas for basically zero reason and then start theorizing about things that have nothing to do with original point.
>Like I'm being a bad person if I don't have kids?
Calm down, wiz. Just think clearly: no reproduction, no life, right? Life was created spontaneously, right? Now if life did not have reproduction as its main goal there would be no life at all, because it would die. Thus the only life that survives is the life that sacrifices everything on the pyre of reproduction.
You're not a bad person, because you don't have offsprings. It's just that you do not do what you were originally supposed to do.
True wizards are creatures that surpass bounds of human body and achieve ultimate state of existence where they deny importance of life and give themselves in the hands of eternity. Wizards are blessed.
That's the entire point of life, that's what they mean when they say that. What's so difficult to understand? It's a point blank statement regarding the primal purpose of life.
There can be said a lot about people who fail at it or don't want to take part in it. Some people will think you are a loser, others will think there's something deeply wrong with you, etc. Why do you even care?
I just don't get what it even means. What does "The point of life" mean? If I make a hammer, it's "point" is to drive nails, because I made it with that goal in mind. But life wasn't created by anything, and so it can't have a "point" in that sense. So what does "The point of life" mean? I know we're going in a circle here since you just reiterated the same statement replacing "meaning" with "point".
is the "purpose" of a rock to turn into sand? Is the "purpose" of a radioactive atom to decay?
Evolution is a mindless and purposeless natural process.>>285839>Now if life did not have reproduction as its main goal there would be no life at all, because it would die.
That makes no sense whatsoever. Completely broken logical implication. Another LLM bot i suppose
>>285845>That makes no sense whatsoever. Completely broken logical implication. Another LLM bot i suppose
Thank you man this argument explain everything. You literally turned my world upside down now. I'm not even sure what I should do now that my life is completely overturned.
>>285845>Evolution is a mindless and purposeless natural process.
Got it, you are retarded and starving for attention. Niggers like you who act in bad faith shouldn't be allowed to post.
>voices in my head tell me to be honest with my mother and to ask her whether or not she can read my mind and that she too will be honest
>she tells me that she cannot read my mind
Ah, such is life.
A spider. In bathroom. My anxiety has just started getting better. Such is life.
Damn. The stutter is still there. Can you believe that shit? Can't even fucking pay attention to some goofy-ass 10-minute-long Youtube video from an "influencer", let alone a 2-hour-long history documentary about the Mayans.
Man I'll likely spend two days in a cycle of searching my surroundings for spiders, sleeping of exhaustion, rinsing and repeating. Big, scary spider in bathroom. This is mind killing.
When I think about it, I've put in serious effort to fix my life. I've tried (at this point), 13 medications for my related anxiety and depression. Been to several therapists, tried supplements, exercise. Meditation, hypnofuckingtherapy.
None of it fixed the essential error that is me. But it is kind of interesting everyone blames me for not "trying".
>make a wish on my 35th birthday to make the hallucinations stop before blowing out the candles
>hallucinations simply resume immediately after and continue more viciously than before
This reminds me of the time that I asked God to help me right around the time I did the First Communion or whatever.
Would be very ironic if all you need is a secluded place and some wood to cut. I think this primordial lifestyle has something to it. Even thinking about it wakes some deep wild emotions in me. Thinking about fucking around with this over engineered world of evil technologies in contrast wakes no emotions in me and overpopulation/globalization is something I hate so fucking much.
I CAN'T EVEN SPEAK WITH MY OWN MOTHER
WHAT THE FUCK, GOD
What the hell was so wrong about trying to pay attention to whatever they were talking about on television? Stupid hallucinations.
I feel as if my body has at least one or two ways to sense the passage of time.
Fucking weird as hell.
>>285857>Would be very ironic if all you need is a secluded place and some wood to cut.
It sounds nice
I wish life were that simple. Just simple tasks with immediate, satisfying feedback every day
Hallucinations still haven't explained what the hell the "spirit particle" was for. Nor what the "good" points were for. Nor what my wish was.
Remember, everything that you can express in 'language' in universal, absolute terms doesn't mean a thing.
That's why religion is a scam.
I can't read this.
Never do I feel more soul crushingly alone than when I am forced to partake in social gatherings, and it's twice as taxing on me because it's apparently rude to look miserable around happy normies, so I have to pretend not to want to go running straight back into my room where silence keeps me company
Excellent work, Universe! Some real top notch stuff.
There is this stupid feeling when you want to say something, but there is nothing to say.
It is a miracle I did not dream of spiders I am so fucking thankful
your calling is being a shepherd, consider becoming one
i am overflowed with internal tide of unknown feelings. fuck this shit. i'm done for today.
Where is spider-kun hiding?
Wait fuck is it Sunday already!?
I wish I could use some weed right now but my tonsils are fucked up ATM and I'm pretty sure smoking weed is going to make things worse. Dries out the nose and throat too much. I need that mucous flowing to deal with this shit. I am far too poor to do the amount of weed I do anyway. I use about a gram per day and the price of weed is about $10 a gram if I shop for deals so I am spending $10 a day. As a neet with no income this is very difficult to maintain.
Some days I think about sharing my writings, but really, I’d just end up responding to people who barely read them and then insult me or attack me. Those who it would help are a tiny minority. That seems to be how things go. I sometimes write factual things and people barely read them and I have to have a back and forth clarifying basic things they are choosing to interpret as negatively as possible. I can’t imagine how unpleasant it is trying to discuss nuanced discussion of human experience to a hostile and abusive online audience.
all day watching sheep and drinking wine just imagine that
I remember when I went through a period of taking all kinds of stimulants even meth and none of it helped me do any work. I would either jerk off or lay in bed staring at the ceiling all day. So basically same as usual.
i think drugs just make people think they're more productive than they already are, except for maybe a small minority
I used to have an online supply for a few years, then it ended about 5 years ago. During that period I was very productive. I even had a part-time job and successfuly studied.
As soon as i stopped taking it, for the last 5 years, I became a complete vegetable.
Maybe it's a coincidence. I dont know.
i'm sure it helps some people. it can make things more interesting but it can't make boring things non-boring. so something i already do is less boring but stuff that's boring is still boring,.
I hate autism because when I feel something I am somehow 100% sure everyone else does as well, and I have to forcibly wake ultra self awareness to explain myself it is not so. And even them some deep force in me keeps thinking I am the center of the universe. This is ridiculous. I just can't comprehend how people can be different, even though I know it is so.
Same here. I'd just flip through wikipedia articles, do rudimentary coding, or just freak out internally for 8 hours. I used to do iv meth.
Motivation, work, discipline - They're all oversimplified. The ability to do work and be productive is a combination of many factors and mental skills/talents that one drug can't fix.
I believe you can be deficient in the skills to be productive the same way you can be deficient in creativity or analytic ability or artistic merit. It's just another thing determined by your genetics
Do you dwell on hallucinations or you still derive some meaning from interaction with your keyboard?
I wonder if autistic people are naturally wired a little like people on meth, because I pace back and forth like meth users do, I jerk off all day like meth users do and I get lost on the same thoughts over and over again like people on meth do.
I've always thought the same thing. They share a lot of similarities
Spent $50 on a bottle of whiskey yesterday and I don't like it. Very depressing.
Now now, always when having much money to spend on alcohol should you buy a degree of variety. One bottle of even something you like is no good. Small bottle of something you know you like, and small bottle of something new, you shall purchase. All eggs, many baskets.
It's something I figured I would like. It doesn't taste bad exactly, but it's definitely not the sort of flavor I normally like. It may grow on me, we'll see. Can't get everything in small bottles you know.
is 25 old? i'm 25 next year and i don't have much going for me but a degree that took me six years to get (cs). i feel like it's over for me. i don't feel "old" but i see how much people my age and younger are accomplishing and i think i must be some sort of dinosaur. i get that the 30 and up year olds here probably think i'm retarded for feeling this way.
2:30 am and I can already tell I'm not going to be able to sleep at all tonight. I recognize this feeling from all the other nights I've spent tossing and turning until the sun comes up. I hate this.
>>285932>i get that the 30 and up year olds here probably think i'm retarded for feeling this way.
Yes, you are very young.
However, more concerning is that you seem to think having a cs degree matters, and that you wasted 6 years on that. That is quite damning on your prospects.
Very strange also that you're actually 24 but you write "im 25 next year", why write like that in some sort of future view?
Your perspective seems quite confused
I'm sitting here with a book on gamedev open. I've been trying for roughly a decade to teach myself something useful, but I can't do it. Every time I look at the text my brain fights me. why are easy things for everybody else insurmountable for me?
Look anon I want to say this in the most gentle way possible - Therapists are way overblown in terms of how effective they are in treating mental illnesses. They don't know as much as you think they do.
While it might be fixable, I can say from experience the brain really does fight doing things. Before seeing my mood swings I would get so confused looking at my hands and them not doing things, just some crazy mental black. I had a day every few months where things would just work, I could do “productive things” and then days later everything would stop. What was effortless yesterday now i can’t even fight my mind to do. Seeing my mood swings it was crazy how it just turns off and on. Now I am responding to some stuff I have more time where it just works and my mind isn’t fighting and hurting me to do basic things.
It’s absurd, it’s stupid, but the brain takes away the ability to do things, and there’s just silence. Real bummer being that kind of dysfunctional depressed.
I precisely need a functional brain to fix the problems with my dysfunctional brain. Catch 22.
>check the websites I use
>know I'm just gonna spend the rest of the day mindlessly refreshing them anyway
I feel so empty
your own fault. Turn off the pc.
I don't know if that anon would be happier if he turned off his pc but I know we'd all be happier if you would turn off your pc.
My throat has been sore for a month now. My poop has been yellow for 3 months. I have also been having terrible insomnia, some nights I don't sleep at all. I wish I knew how to fix this.
There was a wonderful, soothing song which I only heard in the 90s/early 2000s that they never played again..
I fear mentioning the song that it even reminds me of under the risk some dark source will successfully find it..
Like a stalagmite that is touched..
Was it 'Zombie Nation and Sandstorm mashup" by The Rude?
Another day staring at something I want to want to do, never being able to start. Staring, frustrated and impotent, at my inability to preform a basic task anyone else could do.
Sorry for posting again.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm desperate. I wanted to be a mathematician, I wanted to draw, I wanted to get into music, I wanted to get into computers, I wanted to learn a lot of things and do a lot of things, but I didn't get to, I was born in hell, my life is very bad, and I have a lot of problems. I lost my life. It hurts so much. I cry all day every day, it hurts so much, you have no idea. It could have been different. I think I'm different, at least I want to be, at least I want to try and enjoy trying. I don't know what I'm supposed to say, I have to say so many things, but I'm not good at communicating, I always come off as a retarded low IQ subhuman freak monkey chud mentally ill obnoxious narcissistic sick retardo. I'm going to die without trying any of the things that I wanted to do. Even if I get to try a little, it wouldnt feel so fulfilling, because I lost more than 20 years of life, dragged down, and I could have started when I was very little, and gone very far, but I lost all this time. I just wish I were born into a life like everyone else has, I wouldn't do the same things as everyone else, I would just be focused on doing the things I like and that are important. I don't know, I just wanted to draw a lot, and know a lot about math and computers, solve problems very elegantly, and get into music. I dont know what I'm supposed to do, I just don't see a way out of the hell I was born into. I don't know, I just love drawing, math and computer science, and music. I wish I could master these things, devote myself entirely to them, I wish I had all the time I needed. God it hurts so much. You have no idea how much it hurts. I feel a lot of things, I don't know the words to describe what I feel. I'm a mess and my life is a mess. There's a certain lifestyle I want to live, there are things I want to do, but I've been born in a prison. The life I was born into is a prison, an abyss, it's hell, I'm at the bottom of a very deep hole, I have no idea how I'm supposed to get out of here, I think it's impossible. I don't know how to describe this, how to explain this, I don't know, there's something I want to say but it's embarrassing, it's like I'm not supposed to say it, but its like, I have a lot of ideas, and there are a lot of things I want to do, and I feel like there are things I'm supposed to do, and my life won't be complete if I don't do these things, and I won't die in peace if I don't do these things. I don't know how to explain what I mean aside from saying I want to be free. But if I could get into drawing, math and cs, and music, and if I had enough time, maybe I could prove it, I could show you what I mean. I'm not good at communicating, so I will only be able to express myself if I ever get to making things. I don't know, I don't care if everyone thinks I would be the worst, I dont know because I never got to try, and I would try my best and be entirely dedicated to getting better, so I would be the best physically possible. I don't knowm I just wanted to draw. I wanted to be a mathematician and draw a lot and get into music too. That's all. But I'm in hell. I wish I could have gotten into those things when I was little, I wish I had all my time back, I just lost all of my time to bad people and bad things that don't matter. I feel like a slave. I feel murdered, and I feel like a ghost. I'm going to die like a subhuman monkey retardo, I'm never going to live the life I wanted to live, I don't know how to describe this lifestyle, but it's my own, I don't care if I'm a freak or too different, I want to be free and live my own way and do the things I want to do. Please God. I just want to draw and learn about math and cs and get into music. I think maybe I won't feel like its enough even if I leave this hell I'm in and somehow "make it" because I lost my first 25 yaers of life being a slave and I want that time back. It hurts so much, I can't describe the pain and the things I feel. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know, sorry for how I behaved, I don't understand what was going on, I think I have some severe mental illness, like a severe case of a dissociative disorder or something, I don't know. I don't have any control over my own iife. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I just want to draw a lot, I want to know a lot about math and cs, and write elegant solutions to problems, and get into music, but I have a very bad life. I believe in God but I feel like God abandoned me. There's a path I want to follow. I feel something inside me, I think I'm different, and I believe in very nice things, but I'm in hell, a prison. I didn't live my life. I lost my life. I wish I could reincarnate. I don't know. I'll try changing in 2024 so I'll stop talking. But I feel like I didn't get to live my life and I have to say something. I can't properly explain everything I feel because of the character limit and I'm spamming. I can't communicate.
Sorry. I tried fitting everything into one post but 5000 chars isn't enough. I'll probably be banned for spamming from the only place where I can talk about how I feel. I can't even post images I like because it would be avatarfagging. I'll try to make this my last post.
Everyone gets to live their lives, everyone gets to choose, everyone gets a chance. Not me. I was just made into a doll or a clown and lived in some sort of state of comma. I don't know, I feel something inside me, like I'm different, and I can't prove it through words, but I should be able to prove it through things like drawing, math and cs, and music. But I won't ever get to prove it because I have a very bad life and I can't get out of this prison. I just wanted to be very dedicated, entirely dedicated, completely focused, not care about anything else but doing my best, be the best possible and doing good things, nothing else matters. I'm very happy that I'm capricornian, I think it fits me a lot. I always felt this, like there's something inside me and there are things I want to do, and I always felt like I was in a prison and am a puppet, since I was very little, you have no idea how awful it feels, I feel like I could vomit a whole world of stuff. I don't know, there are just so many things I want to do, so many ideas I want to realize, and I wish I could just keep going and learning more things and improving and doing more and better things, I wish I could do so forever. I feel like I have something very rare, or even something that no one else has, but I don't have basic things everyone else has, I don't have the same solid foundations as everyone else, so I didn't make it. I don't know, I can't explain myself, it just feels like my life could have been different, and I could have been very happy and maybe I could have made a tiny difference. I don't know what's the point in typing this, I'm too weird to make sense to anyone. I'll never get to express myself, my ideas, I'll never be free, I'll never try the things I wanted, never realize my dreams and visions, Ill die like I never existed, and no one is even going to read any of this and understand what I mean. I wanted to follow the right path, do what is good and right. I don't know, I just feel a lot of energy and enthusiasm and I feel like I could be very focused and dedicated and I have many very big dreams but my life is a mess. I want to show what I'm like inside, I feel like I have a soul or spirit, something magic, and I want to use it, but I'm in a prison. I don't know how far I could go, I just wanted to try and see. But I lost my life. I wish I could have started when I was very little. I love drawing, math and cs, and music, but I'll die without trying these things, because I have a sad life, and it really hurts. I was just in a prison, I was a doll, a puppet or a clown, I didn't have control over my own life, I never got to choose, I never had a chance like everyone else, you have no idea what kind of hell I was born into, it's impossible to explain it in words.
I can't communicate, I really don't know what I'm supposed to say, I think I'm supposed to say something, it's very important, because I failed at my life and at least I have to say something, but I don't know exactly what it is, or maybe I'm afraid of saying it because it's very private and personal. There are so many things I want to say but I'll never get to say them. So many dreams, visions and ideas but I'll never get to realize them. So many things I wanted to do but never allowed to do them. I'll never get to show what I mean and prove what I mean. It's a prison, I don't know words to describe this other than prison, hell and abyss. I feel a lot of things, there's an ocean or a galaxy of things inside me but I have no idea how to describe it in words, I'm very bad at language, maybe the language part of my brain is broken or something. I'm just very mentally ill, broken, sorry.
I don't know, I feel like it's the bad ending, I think something went wrong and it wasn't supposed to be like this. I'll never be allowed to even *try* realizing any of my dreams, I'll never even get to express what they were and never get to express myself, and I'll just die like I never existed, like a retarded monkey, even though I think that's not what I am, at least I don't want to be, and no one is going to even read any of this and understand anything of what I'm saying. It's incommunicable. I'm dying, even though I really want to live and do a lot of things. I'm falling into the void. God, please help me. I'm afraid. I feel like doing a mistake. There are just so many things I want to say but they don't fit into even 2x5k character posts. I'll die without trying any of the things I wanted to do and die without at least expressing myself. There's a lot of things going on inside me but I don't know how to explain it. I'm very afraid, I'm going to just do it, even if I fail. I wish I could try again and reincarnate.
[Last 50 Posts]
Reality hurts. I want to die but I'm too scared to die and I still have hope. I just pray this interview went okay…even if two more rounds of interviews are coming right after it. This world isn't friendly to people like me.