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I want to start obtaining and doing benzos, Xanax and\or Clonazepam, and drinking alcohol daily all the time. I have my own apartment now but I just feel and see nihilism everywhere. I can lived without working due to investments + disability pension which is based on Real motor disability, disability Tax exemptions etc. so far I DO work and a lot, but it's for time-wasting's sake.

I really feel desperate and despondent about society, social relations, life-long projects or before-I-die bucket lists and prospects towards old age. Im a man, 29 years old. Benzos + alcohol will probably kill me if withdrawal doesn't but I've done and seen so much (bad stuff), I don't like being aware of reality any more.

I won't buy illegal drugs but I would (I hope I can stop this plan in time) lie \ fake \ fraud symptoms to my psychiatrist to obtain legal doses and prescriptions. I already used to take non-Benzo meds for 10 years, I stopped recently as I was "given the medical OK" and declared suitable for living without meds. Getting drunk is legal but only inside your house, so if I while drunk decide to leave the house, it's illegal (public disorder, threatening behaviour etc). But really in my Country you can do anything to yourself within your property.

Deep down I know this path is so wrong but I can't stop heading down it. my last rescue would be , to stop this from starting, going back to churches, talk to priest, maybe community meetings. But Im terrified of making long-lasting social relationships so I can't form part of a Community anymore. I even have almost totally stopped consuming Culture and Art (no anime, no vidya, no memes or shitposts) because that's so eminently communal and bonding, I hate national identities and housing codes, it all reinforces bonding and kinship. really,, neighbourhoods are for benefiting the community itself, it kills every Ego in a mass sacrifice.




You better dead than giving a single penny for those things.

Desperate =/= despondent.

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