/dep/ - Depression

>>299501
>Imagine if I had any strengths so I could go to college
>I literally always google everything
You're closer than you think

>Imagine if I had any strengths so I could go to college normally and graduate and then have a job?
or graduate and be unemployed with $50k debt

>>299502
I don't get it.

>>299503
Yeah it's my only cope that i'm not in debt. But idk if it's worth coping about since I did waste an unbelievable amount of time.

>>299504
Who's to say what's a waste and what isn't. Those arts majors who can't get a job beyond menial labor and are 100k in debt probably wasted their time too, from our perspective. From theirs, maybe it was worth it, if anything so they can look back on that time as their "good old days". If things get better for you then only because you spent your time in exactly the kind of way that created the version of you that was able to make things better. In that way of thinking, it wasn't a waste. In a sense, this belief that something was a waste is only because you're thinking about some reward that you didn't get for your time invested. Did you expect to graduate college by not signing up and sitting at home browsing imageboards all day? Didn't you do it exactly because you were trying to escape the life you were living? Was that time really wasted or did you achieve exactly what you set out to do? It's easy to say that retroactively, we could've done this or that. That is just denial of who you were and what you were going through. If the past version of you had been able to take the steps to achieve those things, he would've. And if past you didn't have the same goals as you do now then it's a moot point regardless because you can't achieve something you don't want to do in the first place.

>>299505
My situation is dumber. I did go to college and was close to final year, I just hated my major and couldn't handle the stress and snapped. I'm not in debt though because it's america. So I spent an absurd amount of effort doing that degree and I couldn't even finish it. Nobody does that.
I see what you mean though. It's ease to blame yourself for anything but all of us are just trying to survive and do our best. Still, it hurts every day. I don't want to do it all again, I just want peace. I want to die.

>>299505
>>299504
i grinded down every part of my soul to get through a masters in tech with top grades. I graduated over 8 years ago. Never got any job out of it, permanently unemployed. Massive debt still, it only goes up. Even in my teens i suffered for years just to get accepted into the "elite" university in the first place. In total i wasted my whole youth working on it. My payoff is literally PUNISHMENT with debt. It's worse than just wasting time, it's brutal punishment.
The level of learned helpless is unbearable. It does NOT matter how hard you try. If you arent sociable or have some mental illness like severe anxiety it is simply over.

>>299510
Don't you feel a sense of pride, of accomplishment, of intellectual superiority? Doesn't it give you solace that even if economy is bad you did all you could? And also, don't you think economy might improve and you'll get yourself back together in time since you are already trained?
All genuine questions.

>>299501
I was groomed into autism by an older system of education keen on creating mathematics olympians for nostalgic old farts to circlejerk off of, running on fumes, propped up only by 50+ year old fossils that made me cram maths and science for the entirety of my school years. Naturally I missed out on some milestones. Been in and out of education since I left my hometown, academic performance took a deep plunge. I can cram exams but to what avail. The carrot - being praised by teachers, as I learned as a good boy - isn't worth the chase, it's just chronic ailments and the looming prospect of the stick (homelessness in a dire environment, harsh winters, harsh summers, pervasive nihilism and individualism within larger society) but the scare isn't as immediate to make me spring into action.

The carrot was bittersweet anyway. I saw other kids play in the snow while I have to cram math problems, and memorize geometry theorems over and over again.

Talking about anglo web and videogames, yeah, that adds to the issue, since I never learned to express myself in my mother tongue. Sure, I do have a wide vocabulary, but it comes off as robotic, monotonous delivery that fails to hit the target.

>>299510
its so ridiculous how easy it is to forget what youve learned in the uni years when you dont use it

>>299514
no, i was a fool that fell in the university scam, i should be embarrassed

>>299626
yes i have forgotten everything. When i was young i had no idea that the brain is so capable of forgetting information. I used to think people accumulated knowledge over time as they aged, but it isnt like that at all. After a couple of years it's completely gone

its all so ridiculous

>>299594
Same. If I had a time machine, I'd choose to be one of the kids focusing on snowballs and football instead of diligently hyperfocusing on math.

>>299594
>since I never learned to express myself in my mother tongue. Sure, I do have a wide vocabulary, but it comes off as robotic, monotonous delivery that fails to hit the target.
This never gets the attention it deserves, the ESL problem. Being ESL myself I eventually concluded it was best for me to stop trying, retreat and forget about it. But there was one problem, one little problem that kept me posting in a language that isn't mine, amongst people that want me dead. There was nothing to go back to.

We’re not meant to live in the 21 century. It’s all a big joke and only the ones that never become conscious of being conscious make it, the ones that never even realize how easy they have it. Read the book of disquiet.

>>299627
Fuck I can relate to the forgetting part. I've been in uni for five years and I don't remember anything, it's just a long fog. More than that, my own life, what I had for lunch yesterday etc is all so fleeting in my mind. It takes great effort to remember, if I can manage at all.

>>299501
We're much the same in that regard. Not having any strengths, I mean.
Neither wisdom or intellect, nor a strong will or determinate mind. Dysgenic and physically bastardized, of poor health and ill mind. I live day to day as wishy washy as possible, unsure of what I'm doing at any given moment. The few times I go outside, it's quite easy to see the palpable revulsion I elicit in many.

I'm not certain I have conviction in anything, or possess an opinion on anything, and I'm satisfied staying indoors forever.
I failed HS, but recovered with a GED, which itself was a decision forced upon me, and now, years, years and months later, I nevertheless sit still, at home once more, not really sure if I can even tackle college, putting waste to a meaningless certificate, and retiring yet another futile endeavor.

I've a tested IQ of 104, and recede from any challenging activities.
Small talk only further emboldens my image of functional retardation. I wish I lived in a more purely mechanical world of strictly topic important input and output, and nothing beside.

Lately, also, I've forgotten how to speak, and so familiar with a blank mind, the haze and fantasy, the sweetnothings indistinguishable from reality whispered by a mind given up, I can no longer differentiate the unreal from real, and thus merry away in bed jovial, a smile on my face, as I live without living, dead without dying. Sleep is good, and dreams are swell.


21st century or not, this would've probably always played out much the same.
Makes me glad fiction exists in surplus today. I'm truly, sincerely grateful, for failing everything here, I can simply indefinitely escape to there.

Let me end this meaningless quibble with this: A failed organism, self-aware of its pathetic vermin self, is afforded at least some comfort- knowing he no longer has to try, for as all he does comes to naught, he can therefore play away till death does him apart, producing a result much the same, and doing good on natures behalf, ridding the world of another piece of trash.

Surely, the heavens smile at the man keeping things clean. I've made someone up there happy by eliminating myself from the functional, beautiful people, and likely would've made him happier still were I just aborted.

>>299675
We truly had no choice but to be forcefully filtered out of society. The illuminati of today are continuing Hitlers eugenics except through social means rather than physical.

>>299672
Depression eats your memories apparently.
I wish I could remember more memories of my family members before they died.

>>299636
>amongst people that want me dead
Isn't this a case of distorted reality, or were you keeping company with /pol/ types? In my case, I was talking to people who wouldn't like me doing cheap labor in their countries, but were otherwise laid back.

I talk in a robotic manner because if I try to convey emotion in my mother tongue it comes across as a kid throwing a tantrum, since I was a failed normie kind of nerd in middle school and then it all went to shit as I hit puberty and got into highschool.

>>299631
As if you could choose. The universe is deterministic, children make choices at the whims of their parents and school brainwash. Don't be so hard on yourself.

>>299675
Obviously you're none of the things you describe yourself as, as your writing not only shows an excellent mind but also a caring heart. Get some rest (sleep, not dying) and re-estimate yourself in a positive direction this time.

>>299687
nta but what's with the hopium? i get random copes from other sites but you people just act like we sit on our computers having tried nothing and being out of ideas. very weird