No.4285
time to talk to myself again
No.4286
http://www.worldsfinestonline.com/WF/superman/guides/comic/You used to write letters to DC Comics begging them to send you Issue 1, and it actually worked.
I mean 1997, 4th grade already. Just a year later you'd be setting your life destiny on the Patton path.
And sure its cringey enough to beg.
But you actually wrote a letter to the Mead notebook company begging them to fill a notebook with 200 pages of arguments for DC Comics to send you the comic.
"200 pages, so Its gotta be long"
"If youre more than a regular notebook company you will do this".
Its just such a disordered mind. And complexly disordered, that some idiots might mistake for intelligence. well because its a rube goldberg of retarded schemes.
Its not just autistic, its schizoid in the fantasy delusional wackedout world u think ur living in.
And in different forms this schizoid method of thinking survives to this current day, it is you, the essence of ur mind
No.4287
yeah yeah im all fucked up, there are no watif couldabeens, now i spend all my days with my hobbies waiting to die.
i couldnt have done any better than this life.
heard it all already
No.4291
Is there any way to reconcile your devil's advocate optimism about being grateful for 1st world living standards with your pessimism about being born the lowest shit in the world?
Well man shall not live by bread alone.
I mean the global situation only gets worse with the years.
But I'll concede that of all times and places to be alive, being of the midling sort in the USA, is certainly in the top 5.
I mean just on technology alone, what would u do without the internet without infinite academic audibooks?
Just think of how ur library compares with the greatest ancient and medieval scholars.
yes yes it is a technotopia which serves my NEETopia. The wonders of technotopia make it worth NEETing. But the shittyness of the person I was born to be, make it worthless to be anything more than NEET.
In that sense we solve the contradiction. The 1st world makes it worth NEETing (as long as sustainable), while my nature makes it without incentive to do more than NEET.
No.4292
I mean u can do school. U could have went to state college, gotten a major in something useful, gotten a middle class job, and just lived a life. Even if u dont have everything normies have. You would be a happy volcel. Enjoy the wealth of the 21st century, pursue your hobbies, be satisfied of your recognition at work, go to church and look forward to your eternal soul.
yeah yeah.
well 1st off I did go to college and hated it.
as for a useful major. Maybe maybe not. I suck at STEM. Maybe with drive and determination people stupider than me manage it. But for me I'm not a wagerobot, there was just no drive to torture myself in something I hate just to sustain a life I didn't consider worth living.
Also in 9th grade I tried to turn myself into a logic-robot who lives math, listened to some lectures on math history, sure I can appreciate the Platonic beauty of it. But actually opening a textbook and doing problems. No sir. Just not a problem-solver. Its why I can't even sustain gaming.
I mean its why the only possible job for you is history teacher either on the HS or college level. And we've dissected the pros and cons of that already.
No.4293
ehhh just write an autobiography of K-6 and its crystal clear why you ended up here, and how you could end up nowhere but here
No.4294
Well look there are the "objective" factors of human life that are satisfied by economics, technology, entertainment, comfort. We can call these the things a NEET can enjoy in his basement with no human contact. And on that front you legitaately can be grateful that you are in the 1% of human enjoyment in history.
And then there is the relational aspect of human life, social hierarchy, normie crap. And in that you're a 0. In that you're in the 1% of failures in the world. For someone never diagnosed with a mental disorder, who was not afraid to speak up over 30 years, to be that much of a social failure over 30 years is amazing.
So even as a NEET living off midling Americans, that puts you in the 1% of human history. But as a non-diagnosed, not-quiet, not-volhermit, you're social failure is in the 1%.
the best of times, the worst of times
No.4295
Well I think its a bad thing that your enjoyment of being the 1% of techtopia is interrupted by your depression, obsession, fixataion, masochistic self-flagelating over being in the 1% of outcasts.
I mean as long as u have given up on that aspect of life. Embrace the joy of NEET so long as it lasts. Look how miserable uv made urself in NEETopia 2013-8. And I dont agree that NEETing is inherently depressing. Since once I focused on my happy hobbies, Im pretty joyful and content with it.
I mean look there was always volcel trends to me. I didn't have a wizchan to guide me. Don't blame me for not living by a wizchan ideology that didn't exist in 2002. But all the way back in 6th grade, I had this succubi have cooties view of life, too pure, innocent, stupid, dumb, noble, retarded to want gfs. Not like the other primitive ape normieboys.
I had a big superiority complex about it. So above the low normies. I even used the term normie before wizchan.
So there was a volcel impulse in my all along. And it wasnt just about gfs. Its like I'm too good for this generation, I'm a medieval saint or an Epaminondas. I don't belong among these apes. A warrior monk. So u dont feel u can relate to the boys of this generation either.
I mean I dont wanna totally sour grape it. But the volcel impulse was there from JRHS on.
Yeah but there was no volcel impulse in K-6. By which I mean, I don't claim to have voluntarily not wanted friends K-6. Although maybe I was sucked in enough in my schizoid delusional fantasy imagination, to not care as much as a NT would.
So what? K-6 I'm friendless because I'm an autist no one likes. But 6-12 I'm too good for normies?
I smell sour grapes.
No.4296
>>4295I mean if we reconstruct it objectively, there is a clear incentive for sourgraping, in someone who never had friends, deciding hes too good for friends of GenY.
But then again it doesn't mean you weren't sincere in your volcel ideology. But we can also see how it shield your ego from a grim reality.
I mean if a volcel wizchan movement had existed in 2000, maybe I would have been moved and inspired by it. But I had to self-construct all this in my brain.
No.4297
For the 1st time I find myself liking Aquinas. Its actually kind of cozy to listen to a 15 min section from the Summa.
Its sad that I listened to this exact same librivox back in 2011, when I was actually converting to RCC and wanting to become a volcel monk, and got nothing out of it. I was also taking a western civ grad class, and Aquinas was part of the readings
idk I guess 2011 was too early to convert, and i knew it at the time, but i saw it as clocking in early. so say if i wanted to become a Monk in 2018, I would be a Catholic for 7 years already and not a recent convert for monkhood.
I mean after Hegelian historicism didn't lead anywhere I wanted to go. I was looking for a new system-builder textbook. A big summa that could have the entire meaning of life purpose existence in one big textbook. Well thats the definition of what the Summa Theologica is. Your replacement for the Summa Dialectica.
I mean u thought about becoming a philosophy professor. But its all so futile and meaningless. But not if its theology, and the fate of ur immortal soul is at sake.
I cant comprehend infinity. But if we just say 100,000 years of heaven, what is 80 years of life compared to it? what other purpose is there but theology?
It doesnt have to be a Monk. A Jesuit theologian would do. Well u naturally tend towards abstraction. So it would be the metaphysics of Aquinas that appeals to you most, and the logic-chopping Scholastics. That leads you the pure spiritualism of NeoPlatonism. And Continental Philosophy for saying BEING BEING BEING all day.
No.4298
U think ur so superior to lay catholics. that they are all hypocrities who cant live up to their own morality.
But if u were a Jesuit volcel theologian, could u live up to ur own morality?
Porn, fapping, stealing, immoral thoughts. All 7 of the deadly sins.
Judge not, lest ye be judged.
Well high school was the last time I really felt the fire inside to cleanse myself of sin, do nofap. Although I burned my porn collection a couple of times since then. Probably in 2011 when I wanted 2b a monk.
I mean maybe if I had read Name of the Rose in high school and just been blown away by it and started studying the Monks and decided it was the most sacred form of life. Much better than the New England puritans. And it starts with the Monks, but I naturally tend towards the most abstract metaphysics. And with that drive, as a teen I still had the power to conquer the demons within me.
And I just live a quiet little life in a Seminary, NeoPlatonism, Patristics, Scholastics, German Idealism, Continentals. BEING BEING BEING. GOD GOD GOD. Maybe pursue some intellectual history on the side.
Consumed by my studies. The absent minded professor. Already half in heaven and outside of this fleshly world. Volcel.
yeah its nice to romanticize it
No.4299
My temperment is naturally the opposite of catholicism. I admired Christianity, but specificlly anti-Catholic christianity.
I found no beauty only ugliness in the Middle Ages. And I admire everything that escapes the Medieval. I don't get chills at Gothic cathedrals. Or long for the shire. I'm anti-Medieval to the core. A child of modernity. And yet look how miserable I'm in the 21st century.
Even converting for the sake of the Monks in 2011 didn't really change things.
I suppose it was in the 2016-7 period where I started becoming more open. Well Will Durant's Age of Napoleon gave a romantic accounting of the Catholic reaction to the French Revolution and the neo-Catholic restoration that began already with Napoleon. Chateaubriand.
And so with some sympathy with that lost world, I followed up with The Age of Faith. And it was the 1st time I could sympathize with aspects of the medieval.
And then Peter Brown's book on the late antiquity church. Well it made me appreciate the Roman Church as the Roman Church, not trying to pretend its Episcopalian.
too little too late. If it were 2003 only.
No.4300
I mean on the one hand, some of the greatest Catholic saints of the Middle Ages, lived in Christendom, in totally Christian worlds, where everyone good and bad was Catholic. And they sound like Kierkegaards raging against Christendom. 90% of the people around them are their enemies, even though the world is catholic.
In that sense calling out the sins of Catholics, is a very Catholic tradition.
OTOH if you just have a knee-jerk dislike of Catholics, in some sense religion is about people and community in this earthly sphere. And if its a community you feel very uncomfortable with and don't identify with. Then devoting ur whole life as a Jesuit or Monk is a futile hell.
But otoh, maybe u do have a romanticized vision of WASPs and a demonized version of Catholics, since the 1st was so far away, the 2nd was the kids u grew up around. If u grew up with Southern Baptists in Texas, I'm sure it be a lot less romanticized.
And the Catholics in RCIA were all very nice and decent people. Father Myriel out of Les Mis.
Well yes ur greatest saintly hero, Bishop M.
I mean maybe u shoulda been an Episcopalian theologian at a Catholic college. IDK.
Or a Deist Unitarian, high school teacher. Well that has all the same basic components, talking about ur fav subject all day, and having confidence in the sunnum bonum of a final end, a teleos, heaven. And maybe a community u could relate to more.
well tis true, do u really want to live under Jesuit much less Trappist discipline?
Or just be a Deist, public school teacher with a porn addiction, who believes my Supreme Being understands and tolerates my Epicurean volcel sins.
It all amounts to the same thing doesnt it?
No.4301
Or just embrace a Solipsist religion that says life is just a video game and philosophy is just research for suicide, and once you see through the simulation and jump through the wormhole, your God-Mind will create any heaven you want.
Its no more stupid than any other religion. And then you don't have to regret not being a Deist HSHT
No.4302
its so damn hard 2b a human bean. its beyond me.
i wasnt made for this planet. lets face it, thats the real problem, beyond if i picked the right career,.
i can be interested in any shit i want. but ill still be me. and me cant do shit in this world.
No.4303
I'm always reading, Wiz
Professions don't define us, only the things that make memories stick define us. If they're bad memories, than I'm sorry, but the good memories, no matter whatever the fuck anyone has to say about them, they're what keeps us rooted in the soil. Even if doing nothing is what you do, if you can scramble together a couple good memories of doing nothing, fuck everything else. If life is pointless, I'll make a goddamn point of being pointless and loving the hell out of it.
No.4304
>>4303I feel like I wrote this to myself but I didn't.
>I'll make a goddamn point of being pointless and loving the hell out of it.Well I feel like I might be a biologically inferior being unfit for this Darwinian world, with no place in it for me, doomed to suicide in the end.
But in whatever time I have left, be it a week, or if it drags out to decades, I will use it to listen to my audiobooks on The Renaissance, Plato, Kursk, Data science. I might be doomed, but I will explore Late Antiquity in great detail while I'm at it.
No.4305
I had a dream about regret. Summer vacation was over. And I had figured it all out.
I don't remember exactly why the big discovery was.
But probably this v9k stuff about just accepting the world as it is, and finding whatever place there was in it for me
ehhhhhh its all wishing 2b born a different person
and be careful what u wish 4. These realistic alt-lives just get you deeper into the greyzone. So close to normie, but so far. A true failed normie. Well I know u, ur an envious resentful person. So close, but so far, would just spark the embers of your resenemnt further.
I mean if I had a crystal ball to my current 2018 life, sure I'd be grateful for it. But thats not how the alt timeline plays out. In that world, its all uv ever known. So no need 2b grateful for it. Only resent what u dont have.
Ur not a grateful thanksgiving person. U only look at wat u dont have. U dont need a crystal ball into ur alt lives. U can just look at Africa. Or ur a student of history, pretty much any other time and place. Of course ull romanticize being an Alexander, Caesar, DaVinci, and not look at the hell of the world around u.
I mean if life is all about avoiding pain. U cant do better than 2018 USA NEET. But ud rather resent the hedonia u dont have. But if we follow ur own Benatar anti-natalist logic, the absense of pain is of far superior value to the presence of pleasure. And so u should be incredibly grateful 2b born into this time and place, of all the places u could be born, if its all about avoiding pain. The only pain in this life, is the emotional pain u create 4 urself. For the anti-pain utopia it is ur heaven. It cant last. But u can enjoy it while it does last. Look how u spent the last 4 years of ur anti-pain utopia just moping.
No.4306
I used to cry a lot. Angry tears like a wojak. I dont think I've cried since 2007 or so.
10 years without tears.
I don't think its a maturing or anything like that. Just an emotional deadening.
To cry, to feel is to hope. To hate ones bad situation and hope for a better one. In the utter deterministic fatalism I've felt over the last decade there is nothing to hope for, no alternative, no future to wish for. It is just waiting around for suicide.
There is no reason to feel a strong passion pathos in such a situation. No reason to care.
No.4307
well maybe the weeding out of inferior beings like u, is for the best.
We need eugenics and beyond eugenics, genetic engineering and transhuman cyborgs. A race of beautiful genius Supermen and Supergirls. The first step to the intelligent explosion of Super AI and the Singularity.
And then these supermen-cyborg AI will explore and settle the entire universe, harnessing the power of every star. Kardashev scale level VI. Every atom of the universe put to work.
The hedonium. The ultimate fulfillment of utilitarianism. Every atom of the universe re-modified for the sole purpose of creating virtual world consciousnesses for the generation of pleasure.
https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/1413237-consider-an-ai-that-has-hedonism-as-its-final-goalAvoid pain seek pleasure, its all ur primitive hedono-utilitarian brain can think of as heaven. The Orgasmium, the entire universe reshaped for the purpose of constructing virtual avatars with porn addictions.
No.4309
>>4307Thats the world you wanted to lead. Galactic Emperor. But it turned out the world didn't need you for it. The world can conquer the universe on its own, without an ugly little librarian of late antiquity to lead them
No.4310
well so what if I'm an inferior being? This inferior being will read books until he dies.
No.4311
Atheism was not made for you. You're unfit to live in a disenchanted world without magic. What does Darwinian materialism have to offer you? All you are is a broken gene-machine to be weeded out by Darwin.
there is no pragmatic utility for someone like you to be an atheist.
Although you like to sin in your low-tier hedonism.
So you have a chill Deist Supreme Being, who knows your heart is in the right place, and looks the other way on your porn addiction. Hes just glad you're volcel.
Someone like you needs religion. It could be Enlightenment Deism. Or some kind of mystical new age hindu solipsism in which Atman=Brahman, Self=Universe. Or a more scifi simulation Matrix, that you can escape through suicide.
If its just atoms and genes. What good are your atoms and genes?
Its sad and funny, I started out with a mystical PanDeism in 2006. And I was convinced by an atheist forum that there is less science behind Deism than for traditional religion.
Which is kind of stupid, since Theism assumes the cosmology of Deism, and adds more. I would like someone to explain how science supports Calvinism better than Deism.
Unless you claim that science has totally refuted Deism, and so only the pure faith of Theism can work. But in such a case its not really that science supports Theism more than Deism, but refutes both totally, and Theism just doesn't care.
No.4312
Well now that I'm a total low-tier hedonist, degenerate I don't need no Moral God judging me. In that sense I'm comfortable as an atheist.
Maybe there will be a Kantian Deist God who rewards me for my "good will". I wasn't actually a good person, but I meant well and was well-intentioned so God will give me a participation trophy. "You tried".
Or maybe solipsism is right and I'm God. Who will prove me wrong?
Nothing makes sense.
All I know is Darwinian atheism is a dead end that ends in suicide.
I mean all the other options end in suicide too. But we can pretend the universe is a video game, you win by discovering the falsity of it, and jumping off the bridge into the wormhole.
No.4313
Well when the best science supports the big bang theory, its very easy to be a Deist, since one need simply ask what caused the big bang, what comes before it?
No.4314
I tend towards a solipsitic Atmanism, and see the whole universe as an illusion that my Geist needs to break out of. A prison of illusion to bust out of.
All alone in this v9k thread, constructing a universe with my typing. Its very easy to fall into a digital solipsism. That everything on the internet is written by me. And that would already assign so much of the known world to my Ego. How much harder to just assign all of it?
No.4315
>>4312>I wasn't actually a good person, but I meant well and was well-intentioned so God will give me a participation trophy. "You tried". But you didn't try. Maybe you were dealt shitty cards in life. Maybe you are a genetically defective, loser freaktard autist.
But you would be a saintly freaktard, who turns the other cheek, who loves his enemies. The freaktard saint.
It was always in your power to be a good man, in spite of everything else. Thats Stoicism. Thats Sartrean. Existence precedes essence. Your essence might be a spergzoid freaktard. But you choose what kind of spergzoid you're going to be. A bitter hater or a saint.
No.4317
What is the nature of me?
Well u were a weird kid, living in ur own fantasy imaginationland world through K-6. You never got invited to a single birthday party. Which I think is a severe social defect. Especially since they would even give out everyones name and phone and address at the start of each year.
Well I did get invited to one birthday in 2nd grade, David to the arcade. I remember him and his mom came to our house. Well he invited literally all the boys. So its the exception that proves the rule. It shows how easy it is to invite people if they want to. Like in 7th grade, I excused well maybe since everyone else has known each other since elementary school, and I just got here in 6th. Maybe they just dont know my address. But theres no excuse for K-6. Those sweet innocent times. That even many wizos find innocent and carefree. But it was hell for me. Worse than teens, JRHS, HS college. My worst grade was 1st grade, but all of K-6 was bad.
As if I really fixed anything in 6 when I moved to a new school. When the reality was I was the just the clownish lolcow center of attention. But in my autist mind that fixed the social question once and for all.
If I was isolated after that, it was only a volcel choice to live by a higher morality than the Gen Y herd. MTV gen.
No.4328
ur a weird kid
No.4331
what is this strange creature that is me?
this autistic schizoid ogre freaktard retard down syndrome avoidant aspergers monster.
a bunch of meat and genes thrown together where it shouldnt be.
ugh this person, im responsible for.
im just a boltzman brain and this is all solipsism.
just a quantum flux. there is more probability in that existing than a fine tuned universe.
a universe is so big a complicated. a quantum delusion, a bad dream, a random flux makes more sense.
A blind idiot god Azathoth
The universe is just a bad quantum dream. It would be too complicated for a whole universe to exist. But the tiny frame of my consciousness. That could randomly spring into quantum existence.
No.4332
Its so weird to exist once you stop taking it naturally
No.4333
Theres nothing for you back there.
Done means done means done.
No.4334
You are not a coming of age film
No.4335
On your feet Mr.Wizard, we got work to do!
No.4336
Reality just feels so unreal these days
No.4339
I'm reading Kalam's case for the existence of God.
If there is no God, then there is a greater probability that I'm a solipsistic Boltzman's brain, than that a giant universe out there actually exists. The small is more probable than the huge. And what is smaller than I? Quantum flux.
Why would a Good God use Darwinian sexual selection to create life?
Even if you proved an Intelligent Designer of this universe, he sounds more like a Gnostic Demiurge or Lovecraftian Blind Dumb Idiot dreamer than Yahweh.
Devil's Advocate. Or I sippose Yahweh's Advocate could reply
Is there any good whatsoever in this Darwinian universe? Is there a single good man? A single act of kindness anywhere? A single person who doesn't deserve to die?
If I answer that there is ounce of good humanity in this universe. Then for all the evils of Darwinism it made that. And so Good is a possibility. And for the existence of the little good we extrapolate up to the Big Good that is the Good Demiurge of Platonism not Gnosticism.
No.4340
>>4339Also for all your hatred of chimpishness of Darwinism, it does form the basis of a rational morality. The morality of an Aristotle or Dawkins or Pinker. EvoPsych morality.
Its far from saintliness. But it doesn't have to be the rapist brutish chimp ape you have in your mind.
It could be the upright citizen, the courageous soldier, the do-gooding philanthropist, the honest businessman, the technotopian futurist. They aren't volcel saints, but they aren't vampire devils.
And so a natural morality gets you to Aristotle. And then you need some supernatural morality, cherry on top from God. Aristotle and Darwin get you to love your friends, hurt your enemies. Jesus gets you to love your enemies.
Anyway Deist, Tom Paine would say love your enemies, is not justice. Jesus said that we should be good to evil, the way God rains on good and bad alike. But God not rewarding the good and not punishing evil, is why we have the problem of evil in the 1st place. So we would not want to imitate God in that regard. God turns the other cheek on evil much too much. God loves his enemies, loves the evil too much. So when Jesus says be like your father in heaven in loving the evil, raining on the evil. Why should we make the problem of evil into something to celebrate?
In that sense it makes more sense to punish the evil than to love them. More justice in that. More love for the victims.
No.4341
The world is a great and happy place, for some people, just not for you.
No.4357
I always wanted to be a man of influence and importance. Even to this day in my wat-if coulda-beens being a history teacher with a quiet little community life, influencing a few hundred over a lifetime isn't good enough.
I want youtube, politics, academia, religion. Someway to make a different beyond my little town. I want to touch millions. I reference my IRL internet activity of OTL as a starting point. That I want influence at least as much as that. If it can be done it OTL than of course anything in our watif ATL has 2b at least as good if not much better.
And yet u recognize urself as an incapable, incompetent, cursed, stupid, retarded, autistic, cowardly, sinful, bad character, failure person. Why should such a person have power and influence? Its clear that such a person will have only a negative harmful influence on his own cause. An enemy saboteur could not do as much damage as a sincere retard like you.
And thats exactly how its worked out. The sum total of your internet influence. You were proud to make a differnece. But if you really looked at know-thyself, you should have known any influence would blow up in ur face for the negative.
I have done so much more harm than good.
I have made things so much worse.
Just like it would be better if I was never born, so it would be better if I had never typed anything for the web.
My internet life has made things so much worse.
I would have been better off just watching spongebob.
No.4358
And then you ran away from the burning building that was all your fault.
Its all my fault.
Ive made everything so much worse.
Everything I do is cursed and doomed to end horribly. I shoulda known that. I DID know it.
Influence, power. What would a freaktard like you do with it? Just make things so much much worse.
The internet just amplifies the power of your freakish power. Thats what influence means.
No.4359
Its a lot easier on the conscience to be a passive observer to all I love going to hell, rather than being the direct and only cause myself.
Its all on my shoulders. I've ruined it all.
No.4360
I think I've realized the full extent of my suckness, yet I still insist on power, importance, influence. I want to be a Big Man with a lot of weight to throw around.
Don't you understand that big weight is just the power to do more damage more harm to your own causes? If you could do more good than harm, then you wouldn't be an incompetent cursed tard.
U said u did, but u never really accepted the full extent of ur suckness. The demand for power was proof of it. The internet gave u ur chance at influence, and for a while u were proud of it, but now u see uv just been a freaktarded wrecking ball on all u cherished. beyond ur worst case nightmares
No.4361
Now ur finally ready to talk serious about ur watif couldabeen alternate life.
No big parade. No power, celebrity, influence.
Just a little man, in a small town, with a quiet little life. If u can get by, enjoy your hobbies, and have less pain than pleasure. Call it a success.
Influence?
Online or offline, you would just make things much much much worse.
I don't need a teleos. A final goal. A purpose. I don't need to be the Big Man, the Man of destiny. I don't need to make a difference, change the world. For I would only change it for the worse, as I have. Bigger influence = bigger damage. And that is all I can do to all I love, damage and harm it.
My watif dream is to be a nobody.
No.4362
And to think I compared myself to Grant at Shiloh, staying calm under crisis. More like panicing and cracking under pressure. My Shiloh moment just made a bad situation worse.
I crave fame, power and influence. Even in my smallest imagined lives, I don't want to just read history, I want to be at least a footnote in it.
There is too much pain in a footnote. I have read too much history. It is all pain and suffering. Blessed is he who is not even a footnote in the Necronomicon that is the history textbook. Truly a satanic grimoire forged in hell.
No.4363
Well now my suicide is truly a just death penalty capital punishment for all my crimes.
No.4364
I will never post outside v9k ever again. Outside of here, there be dragons. There is nothing to say on the rest of the internet.
No.4365
I'm sorry. Its my fault. All my fault.
No.4366
I ruined everything
No.4369
well ya wanna talk lets talk.
I guess this whole experience teaches me to have more epistemological humbleness. I mean if I'm just an autist who doesn't understand human relations, than stop talking about social relations so much as if u have any right ideas on it on the Big Picture. I'm not saying ur definitely wrong. But ur ignorant. If ur right, ur right by accident. But ur just as likely wrong. So drop it. U dont understand.
Its funny how autistic even the me of 2013 seems to me the realist now. Not that 2013 is soooo close. 5 years already. All of HS and then some.
But yeah 2013 was a continuation of my "surrender" from 2010. If I cant commit suicide, I will "surrender" to US pop culture and enjoy Lady Gaga music.
I mean I think its a stupid form of surrender. Although the grain of truth in it, is that if you can surrender to the Madonna of the Catholic Church, you can surrender to the Madonna of MTV. In that 2010-12 was also the same period you converted to RCC and were seriously pursuing the Monk idea. To escape from degenerate MTV culture. But for most of your life the RCC was the epitomie of pure evil for you. The whore of babylon. You were a loyal son of modernity. And even before Luther, your heroes were every heresy against the Papists, going back to even the Gnostics in the 1st century after Jesus.
So its not even they were the Good Church corrupted by Constantine etc. From the earliest days, you side with basically any heretic against them. The "line of blood" as some Baptists call it. Your "apostoloic succession" are all the heretics of freedom and puritanism who fought Rome from the start.
Anyway the point being is that if you can accept the Whore of Babylon as your God, likewise the Whore of Hollywood.
AKA you don't have to be a Monk or a Jesuit, and surrender your freedom and the little pleasures you get out of life, like stealing and fapping. And you dont have to surrender your soul to an ideology, it naturally revolts against. Or maybe you do. But if Americanism and Papism are equally repugnant to you. Americanism is the easier life.
Well and in some ways Americanism is the fruit of the modernity you love so much. And if you're really going to go anti-Enlightenment, anti-modernist, back to the Middle Ages as the Golden Age, then you truly would be ready for the Catholic Church and might as well be a Jesuit.
No.4370
>>4369Well the more I think of it the "Jesuit theologian dreamlife" is pointless. Well its a legacy of my asceitic militarism. The warrior monk. Wanting that military type discipline and structure. Vows of poverty and obedience.
Now a fat NEET low-tier hedonist. The ideal of poverty and obediance revolts me. I can't believe I ever was an asceitic. I mean I can be a volcel, neet, hikki, but I'm at least going to enjoy the pleasures of the hikki life.
I might not want all of the normie pleasures. But in 2018 the idea of denying myself the wizpleasures that are in front of me, seems insane.
I can't believe I was once the guy who set his mattress on fire, because I was a fanatic about sleeping on wood. Took icy cold showers. Traded gym for weightlifting class at 6AM. Wanted to go to West Point. Looked forward to the beast barracks.
Stupid stupid stupid.
But I can't totally blame myself. It was part of the volcel ideology. I mean if I was REALLY going to be a volcel, then I had to prove my manhood all the more. Show that I could compete and triumph in all the testosterone-flooded fields. If I'm just a depressed weak fatty whose given up on life. Where is the volcel in that?
So the warrior monk is part and parcel of the volcel ideology. And remember it was a self-constructed volcel ideology of 2001. Long before a Wizchan to tell me what to do. I was flying blind here, making it up as I went along. Believing I was the only person in the world who believed this and back in 2001 I was.
I mean in that sense, maybe it would have been better if I had given Papism a chance instead of seeing it as the devil. Its the only institution in the West, that values and has a place for volcels.
Like Socrates searching for the wiseman, I was searching for the virtuous man. And for me virtue basically meant being anti-sex. Not one of those normies obsessed with getting laid. But where would I find that among 2000s American males? The Catholic Church alone. Of course I propagandized that they were not true volcels. And look there are scandals and stuff. But I would say the vast majority are sincere volcels. Even more so for the pure Monks. No reason to be a Monk, with no contact with outside humanity, if thats what you want.
So in the RCC are the impossible volcels I was looking for. And so thats why it probably should have been given a serious look by the standards of my own morality in the 2000s.
If only right? If I had fallen in love with the volcel Monks in HS. My natural tendency towards the abstract would lead me to Scholastic ontology. I'd realize I'm more suited for Jesuit philosopiphizing than picking mushrooms. It would serve my need for a military warrior monk type institution.
Teaching ontotheology to volcel future priests at seminary. The dream.
But not the dream. I mean academia is exhausting work. You realized u wouldnt want 2b a secular professor. And really Catholic colleges are the same thing, same standards. No free pass for being a volcel Jesuit.
I mean its fun to daddle in my passing interests as a hobby. Bouncing around. Jack of all trades, master of none. But to actually learn German, and hyper-focus on one text for the rest of your life, publish or flourish, and under the constants of Jesuit poverty and discipline. Its a tough life. I don't say its possible. Look no one is born an academic. You did good with HS and college essays. Maybe with enough discipline you could be pumping out monographs.
No.4371
>>4370I mean when I really think it through, and know the real me and not the idealized me. Whatever I was looking for as a Jesuit theologian.
It would probably be a lot easier to just be a history teacher at a good suburban high school, whose active in his Unitarian Church. I mean I realize its a lottery to be at a nice kids, suburban school. But likewise to land your Jesuit dreamjob teaching ontology to volcel priests.
No.4372
>>4371I mean I guess the idealized best alt-life for you, is instead of your old wish of being tougher against the bullies in 1st grade, being even weaker, and having a total meltdown breakdown over it. Refusing to go to school period.
Make your disorder a problem for your parents and the school, instead of just for yourself.
I mean I have severe Aspergers and Schizoids. I was living in my own schizoid fantasy world. But because I was quiet smart, and raised my hand. I was a problem for nobody. And so I slipped through the cracks.
I realize I couldnt have fixed my problems on my own. Reading Dale Carnegie wasn't going to do it.
So better if I had gotten a child psych in 1st grade, diagnosed with aspergers. And aspergers becomes the drama of my life. From early on I understand I'm an Aspie, thats what makes me different, and the whole rest of my life is that Aspie identity. That being the single thing that defines me.
Like I talk about how I would have been more grateful if I had a crystal ball to 2018. Well Aspergers diagnosis could be that crystal ball, of understanding from a young age what you're natural destiny is, and being grateful for any status even a little above it.
To this date, I've never been diagnosed with anything.
But why would I be? I'm hiding out NEETing, a problem to no one but my parents.
If I actually did go see a psych, I could be diag'd with a ton of things. While I slipped through the cracks K-12.
Its no mystery why an adult, who doesn't make a public nuisance, and doesn't see a psych, would never be diagnosed.
No.4373
>>4372Well so they give you some social training. You get more adult help in socializing.
They push you towards the other nerdy weird kids. Which is what actually really did happen in 3rd grade.
But you get more adult handholding through the social process. And some professionals, instead of just ur parents, who aren't exactly the most socially experienced people in the world themselves.
So ur a nerdy guy with nerdy interests. Thats the direction u were going in on 5th grade. U have some nerd aquintances u can hang out and talk Star Wars and comics with. U have weekly aspergers therapy.
U develop an interest in history, its a natural path for a verbal-minded boy. But instead of ur impossible dreams of being Patton Napoleon. Its more like a cool lore, like Narnia or Jedi.
You start tutoring kids in JRHS and HS. Instead of IRL where you "horded knowledge to not help the competition", you find that helping kids with social studies, is the only way you get to talk to peers about your aspie interest and be thanked for it.
Knowing that you're an aspie ur whole life, u know normal social relations will never be for you. You accept who you are and go volcel. You know your natural state is to be a totally alone isolated aspie. Ur IRL 2018. So ur grateful for any niceness you do get.
And so u have ur ComicCon nerd acquaintances. MEETups where u can talk about ur philosophy and history interests. Ur Unitarian Church for ur teleos need. a final purpose. Enlightenment Deism and the final home of the Pilgrim Congregationalists serving ur personality better than the pomp of the Roman princes.
And u become a HSHT in a nice suburban school. Get paid to talk about ur favorite subject all day.
U might chitchat with ur casual aquintances about ur common interests from time to time.
But plenty of weeknights, find you home alone, still living with ur parents, pursuing your NEET hobbies in the 5 hours or so availible, in what in OTL is ur 24 hours.
Its not a great life. Its what most normies would consider loser pathetic. Its what u urself would have called a nightmare life as late as 2013.
But its a quiet, low-tier epicurean life. That best suits, the u that actually exists. Its not a life, u would jump with joy at. ITs a NEET plus life in a way.
In that my current 2018 NEET life isn't great, but if it could be kept exactly the same for the next 60 years I'd live it.
Well this is the career path that could create a sustainable pursuit of ur aspie interests.
idk since it is a rather low-tier life, only marginally above my current life. I'm not dripping with regret at missing it.
And I recognise that theres no one bad choice, decision that took me off a road to it.
Its a straight line from pre-K to now. Autism defines me. And so the only hope was to have my autism treated by adult professionals from a young age. Thats really out of my hands. Other than having a more complete collapse in 1st grade that made me a problem for adults.
I mean I was in that unfourtante grey zone, where things in 1st grade, only 5 years old, were so bad I feared going to school, missed some days. Yet not over the tipping point where my breakdown get adult professional attention.
I mean my 3rd grade teacher scheduled some regular meetings with me and the school psych over my essay on jealousy for the cool kids the "Bash Brothers".
And I even had regular speech therapy both in school and outside. For my retard lisp. That was a defining part of me. Retard lisp never really went away. Adults are just more polite in not saying it, but they are thinking it.
No.4374
>>4373well ur retard lisp is one of the things that defined u as a weirdo outcast. And u had weekly sessions with professionals to address it. And it didn't do any good. And that was from the youngest age.
So the idea that professionals are a miracle cure. nah
No.4375
well if the point of all this rambling is to encourage fatalism, determinism and lack of regret. I think it works.
I mean the more u dissect ur life in great detail, the more u see the total straight line from pre-K to now. There really was no point where a bad decision got u off track.
I mean u look at maybe the JRHS period as skidding wrong. But really ur solution is talk to nerds about nerd stuff. And thats what I was doing with Hassan in 6th, right before the big move. And it never got beyond recess chitchat.
So whats really amazing is how many of ur dream watifs WERE tried in some form IRL. Now u could say they were attempted clumsily. But Im a clumsy person. We cant pretend that in the watif, everything goes perfectly smoothly.
I mean I joined sports teams instead of clubs. In ur fantasy watif version, u could be dreaming how if only u had joined the team, sure u might have sucked, but u would have formed bonds of male camraderie with ur teammates.
Well I think theres truth to that. If u cant forge male bonding on a sports team, I think u can forget about it on Model UN.
well u would argue ur more suited for Model UN, which is true. But as far as building human ties, I dont think u would have done better.
No.4376
I mean I cringe at the alien martian world I was living in K-12.
Like I cant even imagine how and why I thought like I did.
And even as late as 2013 there were shadows of it.
So what happened 2013-2018, that suddenly you're an accurate realist, totally gets normie psychology, sees the world as it is?
Wizchan happened in a word. Wizchan and places like Wizchan.
Well a Stoic reccomended when making a decision, to conisder the probabiltiies of how men like u would perform.
And thats key, men like u. not u. remove the egocentric bias.
and in a sense thats exactly what wizchan was. friendless, virgin, semi-volcel, hikki, NEET, anti-natalist, Gnostics.
I mean put that all together and in 2009 I would say u have my biography.
But here we have a whole community of em. A community I dont always see eye to eye with I might add.
So it really put things in perspective. And Wiz does do a lot of normie-analyzing. And in a language I can understand.
And I think just being out of the game, not a character in the world anymore. Gave me a more neutral objective look.
and I think all the self-dissecting of my biography
and the failure of 2010-3. As though u could just surrender to MTV culture and they'd have a place for u in US society. They dont want u, even as a surrendered slave.
No.4377
I would say the internet has been poison on my brain.
By going hermit I think Im escaping humanity. But actually Im just getting uncensored man. And hes a lot meaner than censored man.
And censored man is pretty nice. Sure you Holden Caulfields and Nietzsches can call him a phony. But I'm an autist and can't read people anyway. And don't want to peer into their soul. So I wont read their sarcasm. As long as I don't have to see it, let them hide evil in their heart.
Not that normies in person are angels. But just relative to the internet its much better.
So u think ur hiding from Man, but u really get the true beast on the web.
Well lately I've been trying to consume the more passive web. And having less community interaction.
Reducing my internet time, to educational youtube vids etc.
well its important that u replace ur time with something else. and thats what the edu vids r
No.4378
well look if it was as simple as going straight from college to office work. I might not have had my big existentialist revolt against it.
But competing in the ruthless job market for a job I dont even want. That broke me.
Although maybe I made a monster out of nothing.
I mean u just take some tests, show up for the interview. Its not quite the Darwinist jungle of ur nightmare.
The internet, now thats a darwinist nightmare. and yet its where u live.
So u work some menial, but low-effort job, while u keep putting in ur applications. and eventually something comes up.
well i guess thats y it would have been simple to just be a history major who goes right into teaching. although u graduated in tough times.
well u finished ur BA in 2011, I suppose without my breakdowns it coulda been 2010. But there are always ways to stall. And the MA probably takes at least 2 years. So thats 2013 already when the economy was recovering.
well and u might have been more willing to work temp menial jobs, if u knew it was towards a goal.
As for the hellishness of teens. Well u gotta have a little confidence in the Patton disciplinarian in u.
And in the ghetto, u can have an idealistic, down to the people approach, with some Patton realism about installing discipline. And in the suburbs, its about inspiring the leaders of tomorrow.
So I think a balance of educational idealism, with some Patton realism.
And u have a loud commanding voice. U know how to say no under pressure.
U know how to stay calm under pressure, and just follow formal rules instead of getting emotional.
Like just calmly send the kid to the dean or call security, rather than exploding like the teaches in those vids.
No.4379
Well and sometimes the road is the journey. A end not a means.
For example, lets say that teaching is the only job u can do, and teaching really is the hell shown in those vids. And u cant do it.
And so the only job u could possibly do is a hell. And u have no way out. And ur a pathethic loserman with nothing in this world. And u end up suiciding at 30 anyway.
It still might have been a much better life from 10 to 30. Having your little Eltingville club. Looking forward to going to comiccon with your buds. Arguing over Star Wars. Having characters in ur life.
Feeling useful, helping ur peers for that big social studies test.
Having a grounding and goal in college, instead of drifting in angst.
so even if it ends in the same sad place, the life from 2000-18 might still be much better than the one I actually lived. And that has value in and of itself.
I guess the only caveat is that my choices dont seem to have mattered much. which is why the biggest watif is just getting diagnosed with aspergers, and being acted upon by an outside force. An outside force to break the inertia of the straight line from pre-K to now
No.4380
>>4379I mean counterpoint- delusion is a pleasure of its own. Living in a fantasyworld where Im destined to be Emperor.
But u could always imagine a fantasy path where being teacher union leader or District Superintendant is a steppingstone to politics.
Or lets say you toyed with the Jesuit idea as a teen, u could fantasize about being Pope.
Well and those fantasies were quite crushed by 2006.
So if I had spent HS, toying with the idea of Jesuit Pope, but ultimately deciding against it. Theres fantasy dream happinesss enough for you.
I mean ur dream ambitions were CRAZY. So its easy to fantasize about how some side project of urs leads to ultimate power or whatever.
And hopefully u woulda learned ur limits, and not wanted power n influence anymore, since u realize u can only do harm
No.4381
>>4379I mean its amazing how in 3rd grade I had semi-realistic goals about being a scriptwriter for Disney.
And I thought I was "maturing" in 5th grade by dreaming of being Czar of Russia, Emperor of the World. Well because I was interested in "real" adult things. Not childish cartoons.
Although in reality being a Joss Whedon is the person who makes a greater mark in the world than a typical Colonel. Ok maybe thats not fair. But most people would probably still rather live Whedon's life than Tommy Franks.
yeah well I'm really into cartoons, so I want a life writing cartoons. If only that had morphed into, I'm really into reading social studies textbooks, if only I could make a career of teaching history textbooks.
well its more logical proposition
into cartoons, make cartoons
into history, make history
well it depends what u see me as being into. "into history books" "make history books".
No.4382
>>4381I mean my values now are just so opposite to where they were 1999-2009.
I mean my best watif life now, would be a hell to the 2005 me.
while the dreams of the 2005 me, are a hell to me now.
heaven and hell reversed.
No.4383
I mean I guess the only constant is I've always hated the world around me. Fitting for an unhappy outcast.
But I'm much more nuanced now about analyzing what exactly about normie society is wrong and from what criteria. Who exactly is being harmed?
ITs easier to change an opinion, to change the world. So what are the justifications for parts of society u hate? What are the alternatives? How does it compare to history?
I mean most of the things u hate can be explained away.
That was the lesson of 2010.
The problem of 2010, was even if I accept US society, they dont accept me. And thats probably the origin of the original spite to begin with.
I mean I guess the more complex answer. Is u cant just say "I surrender to MTV, now give me a show on MTV".
I mean there is no homogenous US culture to surrender to.
I mean surrendering could mean becoming a Monk or Jesuit.
could mean being a government bureacrat.
Or joining the Peace Corps.
Or being a philosophy professor
or HSHT.
There are a lot of options, and it was on u to find a practical one.
U cant just say "I surrender" and hope they'll find a place 4u.
No.4384
well ultimately u have to realize ur autism is more severe then u knew, and ur social perceptions more warped.
And so u might not even realize what specifically ur doing wrong. and thats part of ur autism.
so u think ur making friendly casual chitchat. and its going well. and u dont understand why for normies it can blossom into friendship. but why it never never has happened 4u, ever. From childhood to now.
And so maybe those good chats, werent as good as they seemed on ur end.
and u cant even analyze to really understand why. it escapes ur autism.
i mean in that sense ur isolation is really incurable. I mean if it was as simple as shyness. OK just be more confident, go out and talk to people. But uv been doing that since 6th grade.
If it was something very glaringly obvious that u could just fix. But no, as far as u see, ur doing the best of ur abilities. Ur not seeing any glaring flaw.
and so if its just a subtle autism, that u cant even see. well that really is unfixable. as unfixable as the retard lisp. it just is u.
its not like having a bad arm. Its a bad u. U are the broken thing.
You as the Ego, the person, the personality, the self, the soul, the mind. Its you that is broken.
No.4385
>>4384well this whole thread is classic aspergers.
1-sided conversation. You can have a whole dialogue with urself on and on.
I mean u think u do appreciate the give and take of conversation. but thats not how the other side perceives it.
autist = self-ist.
And this whole thread is a universe out of ur Ego. The self, the auto, is all that exists in this world of text.
No.4386
I mean when I review my own thinking from K-12 and into college, by my own analysis its very deranged, strange, bizarre, weird, crazy, delusional, autistic, schizoid thinking. I cringe at it. Its alien even to me.
So its no mystery to me, why I guy who thought like that, ended here.
I guess the bigger mystery would be how I figured it all out now. I would say enough defeats in life, broke through the walls of my defense mechanisms shielding my ego.
And again Wizchan and places like Wizchan, gave me a more objective view of me, and allowed me to understand normie behavior in my own language. And maybe my brain wiring finally reached adulthood a little late.
No.4387
>>4386i mean if only I had killed myself in a fit of magical delusion in 2009. Even in my magical world, there were enough reasons to suicide then.
What good has this disenchanted world done me?
well ultimately u didnt kill urself, while in a state of fantasy.
maybe it will be realism that gets u to the final deed.
After all in 2010, when u still believed all these great things about u, and u were just a volhermit, all u had to do is change ur ideology, embrace MTV and USA would have a place 4u. If its that easy.
Its only 2010-2018, that really reveals what a deadend this life is, and always has been
No.4388
>>4387u could say the lower I drop, the worst the world and my life gets. the more justified my suicide is, so the more happy I should be in suicide.
worse is better.
But actually I think I was happier in 2009, when I still had some volhermit delusions, that I could have been normie, but this was a voluntary escape from an evil world. A philosophical suicide. A rejection of the Demiurge.
I beat life.
While in 2018, its quite clear to me life beat me.
So in 2008, victory over life. In 2018, life beat me.
so no the worsening of life and the world, doesnt make it a more joyful suicide.
but then again the rational joyful suicide of 2008 was not carried out.
so whatever gets me over the ledge.
No.4389
>>4388yeah bad to worse is the only direction life goes in, but no rock bottom, just the endless fall.
No.4390
how do you reconcile ur self-pity over the worst life in the world, with the thanksgiving of knowing u should be grateful to live one of the top 1% life in human history?
well its simple really. Its a 1% best life for homo economicus. And a 1% worst life for "man is a social animal".
With the caveat that there but for parentsbux go I, homeless on the streets, and so living one of the worst lives in America in economic terms.
So there is high instability for even the economic good in my life. And its just food and shelter. the basics. Its the internet that makes me feel rich. I already dress like a bum.
I mean its really the world of information the internet opens up to me, where I can say that I have what Medieval Kings did not have.
IF scholarship is the highest pursuit of life
No.4391
I mean its not like I'm rich. But NEETing off lower middle class 1st world parents, puts you in the 1% of human lives in history, in economic techno terms.
No.4392
i mean be careful what u wish for as, far as ur alt-lives goes.
I mean u wish to be semi-normie as far as having a career and nerd chitchat goes.
But in someways uv made peace with ur life, by knowing just how far from normie u were born to be.
I think this failed normie, so close but so far life. Would really stoke that natural envy, jealousy, spite, resentment, thats very strong in u.
sure ud be grateful if u could escape ur IRL 2018 life for it, or have a crystal ball to it.
But if that failed normie life was all u had ever known, u wouldnt be looking in gratitude at a what-if 2018 life, but at envy at the full normie lives around u.
I mean u could always have just spent ur life being grateful ur not in Africa or other times in human history.
u look up in envy, not down in gratitude.
No.4393
>>4392but this is a terrible situation to be in.
i mean u can call it a NEETopia. but we know it cant last.
yet i dont have the drive 2 suicide, since im comfy enough.
so we're reallly just sitting around waiting for the shoe to drop, waiting for life to get so bad, that the incentive to suicide overcomes.
i mean thats a shitty place 2b in. Waiting 4 ur already shitty life to get much much worse, so ull suicide over it finally.
No.4394
I think part of ur problem is u never had any morality or ethics.
U had self-righteousness. U THINK ur moral, holier than thou.
But u never had to live by any system of enforced morality. Never had any guilt. Ur the Chosen One, and so normal human morality doesn't apply 2u. Everything the Chosen One does for the cause is moral by definition.
I think ultimately u hurt urself. by never having 2 worry about being a good person. and the compromises with ur peers that comes with trying 2b good.
U didnt see good as something u do. Something to work at. But something u are, were, just by being the self-anointed chosen one.
U never once felt guilt. Regret sure. Kicking urself. But evil was always externalized 4u.
I dont think u ever felt guilty over failing ur own moral code. And if u ever did, it was just internal and momentarily. No effort to fix the problem or make amends.
u were embarassed to go to catholic confession, during ur whole Monk attempt, but maybe its why its a good instition. to have an objective set of rules, and to have to publicly confess it to another human, to a volcel, when u break whats written.
sure u prefer Lutheran critiques of "legalism" since u break every written rule.
No.4395
what a sad little life I've lived.
From getting the full onslaught of mob bullying in 1st grade, at the tender age of 5.
To the outcast isolation and rejection that followed it. Never a single birthday. Never a single "hanging out" at a house outside of school. Others cry they never had a single female date. I never even had a single male playdate.
That was all in the 20th century.
And then the 21st century started with the false hope that I had turned over a new leaf with a new move.
I thought I had fixed it. I felt betrayed and stabbed in 7th that it was all a lie. But I lied to myself. And so the trends of the 90s continued in the 00s despite my delusions.
and then I sublimated all that fail, into the HOPE of the Great Man destiny in store 4 me. And that went to hell in 1st contact with reality in 2006.
Then my damn fool crusades 2006-9.
my "surrender" to normies in 2010, not accepted.
and then my miserable hellish self-inflicted self-created internet life of 2012-8.
And that sums it all up for a would-be suicidee just waiting to die.
what a hellish life
No.4396
yeah ur pretty pathetic.
but ultimately whats there 2 regret? I mean u might wish u had some nerd pals to do nerd stuff with. But really if ur biggest regret is not having friends. well friends are friends. sticking nerd in front of it as an adjective doesnt transmute it. friends, nerd or otherwise, were beyond u.
Theres a natural inertia to ur aspergers life to continue on its path forever. It needed 2b acted upon by an outside force. U needed a aspergers psych dealing with u from a very young age.
and even that is no miracle, u had weekly speech therapy through much of K-6 and u did get set up with meetings with the school psych in 3rd.
I mean I dont know if adult professionals are a miracle cure.
I mean from teens on u strongly opposed seeing a psych. And even after 2012 when u had no ego to preserve u refused any psych. Welll if u think they r so worthless as an adult, can they be miracle workers for kids?
i mean u say u woulda been open to a psych up to 6th, when ur ego balooned over the delusion u had fixed ur social problems urself by being the loud center of attention.
so what in 1999, psych=miracle cure
2000 psych=worthless?
?
No.4397
No I agree theres a double logic with the psych WI CB.
Well on the one hand, u still cling to the delusion that u were so close to normal, and that with a little push from a psych, u could have had normal nerd relations, ur little Eltingville club to talk geek stuff.
OTOH u admit how severe ur aspergers was, how hopeless solving ur problems on ur own was, and how it would take a strong external force 2 fix u.
I mean if ur that messed up, no more reason to think a psych could fix u, anymore than a speech therapist
U thought the 3rd grade school psych was a nice understanding lady and everything. Shes a paid professional especially trained for children. Despite multiple meetings with u, AFAIK she never recommended any future treatment or therapy 4u.
well u keep crying u slipped through the craps. In some sense multiple meetings with the school psych in 3rd, is NOT slipping through the cracks.
Its another one of ur wat-ifs that turns out to be a wat-was. U wish u had gotten the attention of the school psych very early on. And u did. But apparently nothing was outwardly severe enough to get the school psych to recommend more 4u.
No.4398
>>4397well ur the quiet kid, who has trouble making friends. ur schizoid delusions, are just a creative imagination and story-telling.
And even on quietness, ur also the type who raises his hand a lot, and speaks out in class, answers questions. So its not the total mute mouse that would raise concerns.
So even in quietness, u spoke out just enough, especially academically, but even peer to peer when they initate it. Just enough so u could slip through the cracks, and not be sent to an outside psych for evaluation.
I mean its a perfect equilibrium of the greyzone, to maximize misery and abnormaility, but just under the limit to trigger help and diagnosis.
No.4399
well devil's advocate.
maybe ur psych normal. Maybe the reason u were never diagnosed with anything is cuz u never had anything.
i mean obviously anyone living a life like this is not totally normal.
but maybe it is all just bad individual decisions. ur a psychologically normal person, no aspergers, no schizoid. Not even pathological avoidance, u can talk to people.
Just a lot of bad choices, bad values, bad decisions.
Meh someone that socially repulsive, already meets some DSMIV criteria by definition.
No.4400
anything else?
well look there are winners and losers in life. inequality means there has to be an absolute best and worst. and ur the worst, the lowest of the low. the bottom holding it all up.
i mean thats it. no magic redemption. ur just a loser in the game that is life. unfit for darwinian competition.
i mean it woulda been best if u could just lose urself in ur hobbies in the time u had left. but ur only human. its natural u would obsess over the shit that makes u subhuman.
i mean u were just sooooo isolated, forever and for always, that all ur couldabeens r a waste of time.
idk ur really unlikable
maybe u cant see it, but thats the autism speaking
No.4401
happiness thou has always alluded me
No.4402
well we can keep talking if u want, this whole thing of getting into a deep involved conversation with no one but urself.
well its kind of a metaphir 4 eveyrhtng else aint it?
No.4403
this has gotten really repetitive and boring.
well what can I say?
im a boring guy, I lived a boring life. there is no plot to my life, and there are no characters in it.
I was daydreaming and sleepwalking through life K-6
I thought I fixed everything in 6, by running around flapping my arms and shouting LOOK AT ME IM BEING RETARDED!. Plot twist that I didn't fully figure out until 12 years later, but no it didn't work.
And IDK what the fuck I was doing in college.
I guess crying on the internet, just in a different form.
and here im now 2018. god damn it did i ever think id live that long
and there really isnt much to say. im crazy and im lazy. im a fucked up person. probably i was just fucked from birth. but to the extent that i did make choices in life, every choice made things worse.
i dont really have much stories to tell. because it all amounts to 2 seconds of interaction. I mean even /dep/ is full of casual mentions of childhood friends, going over to houses.
the level of isolation u reached, starting not in ur teens but from pre-K on. its not a wrong turn. ur the same person througout it all.
idk, not much more i can say
No.4404
yeah well its always gonna be here are 1000 million logical and factual reasons for suicide. heres why my life is horrible, and the world is horrible.
and i nod my head. yes yes yes. cant argue with it.
hell we can rewind back to 2009 and its the same story, and things are 1000x worse now.
well as long as i can neet in relative comfort, the impetus to push me off the cliff just isnt strong enough. end of story.
just waiting for life to get shittier so it pushes me off
No.4405
im just sorry i was born the person im, idk wtf to do with this life.
i dont want responsibility for this biolgoical being i was assinged to be,
and yet the very i having these thoughts is that biological brain
No.4406
need something to do with my internet time
No.4407
Ur so not at peace with urself
Heidegger's "throwness"
U cant stand the U, u were thrown into existence 2b.
U dont want 2b this person
U dont like this person
U dont take responsibility for this person, this life.
U dont want it.
U dont take responsibility for this life. U act like its not urs. Not ur fault. U like determinism and predestination. Essence precedes existence. U got the short end of the genetic stick. Its all the unfolding of the DNA that was always there. Essentialism.
U dont want 2 hear about choice. U dont want 2 take the blame.
Its like there wasnt a brain, an ego, in side this meatsack making decisions all these years.
No.4408
As a hikki so much of my reality is created by the internet, simply avoid certain websites and an entire section of reality disapears for me.
Reality that held the gravitational center of my life.
It just furthers my derealization, depersonalization, and shows me the unreality of my existence
No.4416
All ur watif couldabeens redos at life, really underestimate the delusions of schizoid grandeur. We're not talking about simple miscalculations or misjudgements here.
It basically amounts to, oh I chose the career path of Messiah God on Earth, Lord of the Universe, but I realize now that maybe accounting would have been a better fit for me.
I should have been a dentist instead of God.
I mean when ur dealing with that level of delusions, the only watifs that matter is not being born with such a miswired brain, or getting the proper psych treatment early on.
Of course if ur that crazy back then, y r u so rational down to earth realistic now?
1) Life has beat me down
2) Social isolation, means no negative feedback on my crazy ideas so I can go deeper and deeper into delusion. To some extent Wizchan and places like it are my e-social relations, and have indirectly given me negative feedback, about what a male in my situation can expect out of life. Both directly in threads I've made. But indirectly, the whole culture, just puts things in perspective.
And with my delayed retarded development, maybe by 29 I finally grew out of the mind of a toddler who thinks hes God.
No.4419
Had a dream Kel took my ipod/phone, and Kenan wouldn't back me up that it was mine. I eventually snatched it back.
And in my head I wanted to say dont confuse niceness for weakness.
I did give him an extra I had in my bag, a little dog doll, you squeeze the nose and you can record.
Then I was at a school assembly for an orthodontist award
No.4425
ok well lets talk
i will dissect ur brain.
i try not to talk 2 myself as much during the day, so i can save it all for v9k. i get bored with my web time and need something 2 do.
and if talking to myself in an empty v9k, is all i can come up with. so be it
I mean look I cant promise anything new. I suck. I always have sucked. I try to come up with devil's advocates watif couldabeens where I dont suck. But then after I dissect it enough, its proven 2b impossible and I still suck.
I mean idk if I've gained any new insight in all these years of introspection. I guess I just think lower and lower of myself, and eliminate more watifs.
im a down syndrome, retard, so whatya expact from a tard?
No.4427
I like Christianity but not Christians.
Well maybe that is the reason God said "love your enemies"
But really what do you like about Christianity? Well you have some appreciation for the historic role of Protestantism in creating modernity. But then Luther and Calvin are just the means to the end. Then the real hero is Weber.
As for the actual doctrines of Christ. I suppose I would be most attractive to the pure Tolystoyanism of the Sermon on the Mount. That is the Jesus that Wittgenstein was won to. Then Tolstoy is our true Messiah.
But Tom Paine really dissected that pure morality. Which sounds good on paper.
But is it really good? Even by our standards of wanting a world of kindness, goodness, love, justice, empathy, altruism, community etc. Everything warm and cuddly. Disney and PBS.
Return good for evil. Love your enemies. Love the evil. I mean certainly forgiveness and redemption has its place in the world as does mercy.
But as a universal principal?
I mean Jesus uses the analogy of how God rains on good and evil alike. And its true. God gives rich harvests to his enemy, the evil. And is this a demonstration of the great morality of God? No! Its the opening of the "problem of evil".
Even more than the suffering of the good, what about the rewards of the evil?
Well by this pure Jesus, Tolstoy, morality, God is simply living by the sermon. He is rewarding good for bad, loving his enemy, loving evil.
Well Deists like Jefferson and even todays secularists love to pay lip service to the pure teachings of Jesus, how beautiful it is. What I like about Paine is he takes it head on. And not in a tough guy, Nietzsche way.
I mean Paine is for all that mushy touchy feely good stuff too. Hes not slamming Jesus for being a pussy.
But basically we have a God who rewards evil. And thats what drives us to atheism. And Jesus is asking us to imitate that God, and reward evil as well. Make our own problem of evil.
I mean just replace enemy with "evil". And if we are good, our enemies are evil. Certainly the enemies of God are evil.
So then the saying becomes love evil, give to evil, do not punish evil, reward evil. And Yahweh the Demiurge, certainly does a very good job of that.
So actually the analogy makes a lot of sense, too much sense. Its one solution to the problem of evil. God rewards evil with great success in this world. And if we are to imitate God we must reward them as well.
No.4436
>Eternal peace is a dream –and not even a beautiful one. War is part of God's world-order. Within it unfold the noblest virtues of men, courage and renunciation, loyalty to duty and readiness for sacrifice–at the hazzard of one's life. Without war the world would sink into a swamp of materialism.
insomnia. cant sleep clown will eat me.
ill come back to this quote later.
cant pretend i dont understand the sentiment behind it. this was the pattonism of teen me.
i mean there are traces in me to this day. of hard militaristic values of virtue and honor against the soft decadent shallow vapid materialist hedonism of the present.
well having had another 20 years to study war, after this fascination 1st began in 5th grade. war is hell and the glory is just moonshine.
and I guess shame on me for judging MTV as the worst evil in the world
I mean I went through various stages and phases. And certainly I was prepared to unleash another WW2 of death and destruction upon this world, all in the name of my glory. As either a Patton or a Rommel.
When I consider the amount of human suffering I would have willingly unleashed in the name of my Ego and Glory. Is any shallow normie materialist really worse than me?
Yes I was a volcel warrior saint for my cause, and would have left a mountain of tortured corpses for it. To defeat the Great Demagogue tyrant, or perhaps to be the Great Demagogue myself. I wished a Satan upon this world, either to defeat him as the Hero, or to be him.
No.4437
>>4436The most evil devils of history hate cynicism, hedonism, utilitarianism, materialism, skepticism, consumerism, decadence, degeneracy. They are the greatest degenerates with their torture snuff porn.
There are no fanatical crusaders who torture children in the name of skepticism, hedonism, consumerism.
So ready to burn this world down, in the name of something noble, great, virtoous and pure.
I'm the bad guy, I'm the villain.
Never know what you have until its gone. Oh the blessings of being born into a post-historical age. Oh the house of horrors that is your great love history.
No.4438
Well I was watching the film "God Bless America" and sure as an outcast hermit NEET I sympathize somewhat with Frank.
But I also found myself replying oh you think "American Idol" and Iphone decadence is enough to murder over, and America is going to shit, and radical violence is called for in response. In the name of what better times? You think people are callous, cruel and rude now. And they are. But 30, 50, 60, 100, 200 years ago in USA and world history, you think you find gentler, kinder more humanitarian people?
You think teenagers addicted to ipods and American Idol are more heinous and criminal to what young adults have been doing across the rest of history?
Read a history of 17 year old men, Frank, and then tell me that addiction to Iphones and American idol is their greatest crime.
No.4439
I mean the "morality" by which teen you judged society and normies, is just so twisted and I would even say evil, that can you really blame em for where you ended up today?
Do you really deserve to have had your wish come true? To have 100 million dead in WW3 just so you can ride in as the hero Patton, or maybe kill another 100 million as a Rommel? Cause doesn't matter, just your power and glory. Your vengeance. Your columbine on a global scale.
ur wish. I wish to be the Great Dictator. I wish 2b Patton saving the world from the great dictator. I wish for WW3 and 300 million deaths, so I can be the Hero or the Emperor.
Thank God for humanity you're a friendless hermit hikki NEET instead.
So what right do you have to judge anyone when your 17 year old wish is for WW3 and the death of millions?
If its an Either/Or we can say your hikkidom saves a billion lives.
Fine I was wrong and Normie Society was right. I'm death, society is life.
I hated sex so much, I worshipped the death-instinct Thanatos out of hatred for Eros, out of hatred of the erotic, of life, of reproduction and birth.
And yet even when I want to surrender to the world, I can't. Yeah because The World isn't your Totalitarian World Empire, you can surrender to.
Its diverse individuals living their lives. There isn't a model citizen you can aspire to be. Like your 2010 parody of your cartoon caricature of what you think a normie USA teen is.
No ones forcing you to be that. You can be a nerd who loves Star Wars and comics. Or a history aspie. Or a religious nut. Or a low-tier hedonist.
No one forces you to be a cartoon model normie citizen. You did that on your own.
Go ahead and enjoy your history, philosophy and nerdom. Thats American culture too.
Or be a Catholic volcel Priest/Monk/Jesuit, also a valued place in America. Live and let live.
If Autism is whats holding you back, see a psych, get diagnosed, go to therapy and training.
yeah Im a fuckup. Everyone is right, I'm wrong.
No.4440
>>4439Sometimes in JRHS when you would cry your angry tears, you would admit that you do hate humanity, and you love war because you want to kill, you want vengeance.
Funny how you can say that in a moment of anger and tears, and not reflect in calmer times, how you're not saying it to be edgy, but that really is the motivation of all ur projects.
No.4441
im still angry and hateful to this day. Sure I try to hide it behind in intellectualism and self-critical introspection.
But spite and envy still drive me.
I cant let go.
I mean theres no place for me in this world. So what if I reject my own values and embrace the USA?
Look at the crab. The crab by definition is someone who totally embraces the values and ethos of normie society. All he wants is his place in it. And he lashes out when he cant have it.
It took you 30 years just to get to the point, where you could sincerely embrace the values of the society around you. But the crab has been doing it since birth. But just because you accept society, doesn't mean society accepts you.
Replace society with universe. Oh what a great honor for the universe, for you to deign to accept it.
yeah all this self-critical intellectualizing and introspection. It just gets you to the position the crab is born in. Accepting and internalizing the values of society, but still having no place in it.
i mean chicken or egg. Arguably ur total rejection from society from ur earliest days, is what made u construct all these ideologies of rejecting society as a defense mechanism.
but a poor defense, as uv avoided confronting ur real problems all these years.
or if ur problems really were unfixable, then maybe better off in the escapism of delusion.
No.4446
dreamt i was riding driving a truck battling venom
then i came to a checkpoint and i was nervous and i wanted to turn the truck around
ended up exiting the car at the bridge and then sneaking on a plane to vietnam
turned myself in as a stowaway
took me back to london. i was under bobby surveillance for suicide.
desperately tried to jump off a bridge too short, and the ship from les mis. looking down at the water but thinkin it too shallow 2 kill me
No.4447
dreamt i had a lucid dream within a dream
dreamt there was a tv show with robin williams and american dad
dreamt I put my $$$ into this investment I thought was with my college, but was actually a simulation thing run by a Glantz-like historian and i was callin 2 get my $$ back
No.4448
ok lets talk.
i wanna comprehend u.
well i guess once u get talking, ur ramble on and on and we'll get a convo going.
i cant say that this has been entirely therapeutic. i mean its largely repetitive circling around the same few memories over n over again.
well there is not stunning breakthrough, no big epiphany. but sometimes i find a new angle, a new insight. a new take on an old memory.
im still trying 2 figure me out.
No.4449
meh im all ready 2 talk, but then ive talked myself out in my head, and by the time i get 2 v9k i have nothing 2 say.
CALs. Casual Aquintance Losers. That was my next big thing. I came up with it last thursday or so. only v9king it on monday.
may already. halfway into 2018. time just glides on and on.
nozick's experience machine. Ive plugged into a 1.0 version of it. big screen, wide screen HD 1080p. Toons, Porn, Books. Its enough to keep my mind escapist.
IRL has 0 better 2 offer.
maybe this is the life i wanted all along.
well it beats the best wi cb u came up w. listening to holloring teenagers all day in the classroom.
No.4450
so I got $60,000 from my grandpa to invest in the stockmarket.
I guess if I had the balls for bitcoin gambling, its the kind of capital that a high-risk high-reward cyberchad could turn into millions.
I have no confidence in me, and the empirical evidence of my 30 years of life seems to prove it.
Boglehead passive investing seems perfect for a coward with epistemological humbleness like me.
BUUUUUTTTT after continuous growth since 2009, I get air sickness at these heights. I can't breathe on the top of Mount Everest.
I hate investing this high.
Oh well if my bad luck crashes the whole US economy, that will show my magick power.
I know nothing.
I mean $60k sounds like a lot. If u won it in a lump sum lottery that would be awesome. But 2 years at a low job, 1 year at a high job, with NEET expenses, and bam ur there already.
well yeah 10 years at a normie job, and putting 100% of it into VTI and I'd be a wealthy loser by now.
ehhhhh what would I do with $10 million dollars? I mean sure it would make my NEET life more secure and sustainable. But as far as specific shit 2 buy? Anything that can be bought in a grand scale with $10 mil can be bought on a smaller scale at $60k.
I mean thats part of the reason I pulled outta VTI in 2014. Or 15? Think it was 2015. Anyway I figured Im gonna suicide, I cant live on $30k even with 7% average growth, so might as well enjoy myself in my time left.
And I didn't even have anything to buy for my hedonist spending spree. I mean over the years I bought a PC tower for around $220 in 2013. Got some nice speakers, a nice 28 in HD monitor. And then I was satisifed. My whole world was online. Toons, porn, books. Holy trinity. Ego, Id, Superego.
anhedonia? no more like low-tier hedonia. Im satisfied with my low-tier experiance machine.
No.4451
well back in 2015 when I 1st posted about VTI on wizchan I was all excited about it. I even used it as a metaphor for my NEET life. In how by investing in WVO, I could sit back and collect from all the energies of world capitalism by doing nothing.
And I metaphor'd books as an analogy. That all the life experiences of the human world could be collected into history and abstracted into philosophy. And so history n philosophy books, beat living an actual life. They were to life what VTI was to starting a biz.
No.4452
I mean what do u even want out of life?
U say ur a proud volcel, not a crab. So u dont want gfs or sex.
Maybe u want CALs? So ur suiciding cuz u dont have an eltingville club to hate on Last Jedi with?
I mean Eltingville CALs would just be an IRL 4chan and /hob/. Is that wat u really want?
Do u really want 2 have in person discussions with some nerd ranting about how Disney SJWs have ruined Jedis and Marvel?
Is that ur peak of eudaemonia?
idk wtf i want. maybe neetlife is it.
I mean I guess the volcel thing made sense, as some warrior monk sacrificing for the Cause, the Mission. Spider-Man telling MJ its too dangerous to be with her. Bruce Wayne not letting Andrea/Rachel distract him from The Mission. The volcel Jedi free from all attachments.
But being a HSHT unitarian, is hardly the Jedi, Batman, Monk.
noo
ummmm idk.
I guess these r just my personal values that I live by. For both universal and individual reasons. And I dont hate normies 4 not living by it. I pity them. Caught up in their demiurgic dramas to serve the will to life. While I sit it out an enjoy.
sit it out and enjoy. See that logic seems to lead to NEET hikking.
yeah well its hard 2 make the case 4 the volcel greyzone wageslave life. All the responsibilities of a normie, none of the fun. Might as well be all in or all out. Im all out.
No.4453
ur a really pathethic person. U think crab puas are pitiful running around begging gals 2b their gf?
u were running around college in 2012 prety much begging males to be ur CAL. Casual Acquaintance Loser.
No.4454
>>4453well u think u overcame u shyness in 6th and again in the same way in college.
but the retard clown comedy character center of attention, is just another way 2 be shy, another way to hide, to put up walls and shields. to protect the "real u" whoever that is.
and ur clown comedy character is a miserable failure. just as, perhaps more repulsive than shy quiet u.
No.4455
well I was talking with Dan at the gym. And he is like under 5 feet, Jewish and the most boring dull guy in the world. He talks about stocks, business chess and warcraft.
And even he casually mentions having friends. One he went to a baseball game with. Like Im thinking OK he has a bit of a network from his chess league.
But then I asked him about Nick. This strong chad banker from the old gym. And we were members at the sametime. And he struck up a friendship with a normie, at the same gym as me, during the same period i was there. like its nothing.
even the most boring dullard in the world can just casually make friends.
but not me. i truly must be the most repulsive shit in the world.
well i went around school in 2012, basically just begging guys 2b my cal. I remember saying in a goofy Patrick Starr retard voice BEST FRIEEENNNDS???? But just because I'm being """comedy""" ironic about it, doesnt mean its not my true feelings. i really was that desperate.
im so pathetic. Im beyond crab. crabs are just crab for gfs. But to be this pathetic for male friends, or just casual aquintances to chitchat about comics n shit with. i truly am a social monster.
No.4456
well maybe i guy grounded in stocks, chess, warcraft is more feet on the ground than u.
trying 2b something ur not. warrior monk. hero. messiah. napoleon. larger than life comedy character. clown. volcel chad. celebrity.
bee urself
No.4457
idk i dont get me
im 2 weird 4 me
No.4465
The spiritual and platonic views of life are stoopid there is nothing but marginal utility
No.4466
>>4465Yes the utils of utilitarianism.
But I think marginalism is important to. That infinitesmal improvement in individual and collective life. Related to ameliorism. Just making things a little better.
The point of life is not just utility but marginal utility. You could say related to low-tier hedonism. marginal utility is low-tier utility. a low-tier increase in pleasure.
Calculating the smallest possible increase in utils
No.4467
>Man shall not live by bread alone
Bullshit! Bread is all that matters. But hey a little cheese and sauce on it to make a pizza is good too.
No.4468
well u see it right here on wizchan, the alienated young male who cant stand living in a safe boring tamed domesticated post-historical age. Crying about the dragons he will never slay.
Look I can't judge too harshly. Thats exactly the essay I wrote for 8th grade English on 9/10/2001. Wishing for war and excitement and meaning. Wishing for some dragons to slay.
Meh thats what video games are for. Or in my case, too lazy to play vidya, then military history books.
excitement is overrated. Go watch an action movie for that fix. Go skydiving or paintballing or something.
No.4470
>>4469moderate pleasure-seeking
No.4471
Benjamin Constant, liberal opposition to Napoleon, bulwark of Restoration Liberalism, author of the 1815 liberal Napoleonic constitution.
Ultimately he found Bourbon Restoration liberalism preferable to Bonapartist militarism.
His liberty of the ancients and moderns is hateful to you. Well modern liberty which could be called libertinism is hateful 2u. Individualism. Minding your own businsess, pursuing business and doing ur own thing. Personal freedom.
As opposed to the glorious civic freedom of the ancient republic. The polis in arms.
But maybe it is an empty shell of a man who needs WW3 to be his video game. Who has no life to live as an individual. And so needs the whole world to become his battleground.
Individualism is hateful to me because Im a hateful pitiful individual. My individuality is worthless because I have nothing, and need to merge into something better. The lonely crowd. The true believer.
Rather than blowing the whole world up. Maybe find something 2 do with ur life.
No.4472
Then the do the animals have it right?
All they seek is comfort and relaxation. Perhaps if they knew how to get all their sexual pleasure from masturbation, they would not even seek sex.
To seek all their pleasure from the imagination. That is the 1st step for an animal to become a theist and idealist.
i kid i kid
But it does seem like if hedonism is all u can come up with, and every attempt by man to find a principle higher than hedonia is a fraud. Then it seems like dogs and pigs had a better understanding of the meaning of life, than historical man has.
No.4473
i mean happy happy joy joy all is good.
but i still dont know wtf 2 do with this life.
enjoy hedoni-neeting i guess.
well if this is the best u can do then do it. i will read 100 more audiobooks b4 i die.
if thats all there is 4 me, then i will do it well. i will enjoy my trinity of book, porn, toon.
No.4474
there r no watifs. u were always destined 2b a neet hermit. its in ur core personality, brain wiring from birth
No.4475
Why should I associate with people/normies who see me as and treat me as an inferior?
Well view/see me as inferior is different from actively treating me as inferior.
When gym Pete tried to report back to me on what the old ladies at the gym said about me. I told him I didn't want to hear about it. Talk behind my back all ya want. As long as I don't know about it, it can't hurt me. Let my Aspergers inability to read sociality shield me.
Of course the teenagers you want to spend the rest of ur life around in the alt-life of HSHT, haven't exactly matured the adult brains, of phony civility to ur face yet.
I mean if people treat me as inferior. Its just swell for me, to retire from that world and enjoy my trinity. Satisfy my id, ego, superego, away from the masses.
yeah well all ur wi cb are about intergrating 2 some degree back into normie society. Maybe I dont want to. Maybe im partially a volhermit.
I mean what does being among normies have 2 offer me?
Certainly my books offer me higher intellectual discussion than anything friends could offer. And I wouldnt even have friends. Just cals, casual acquaintance losers.
No.4476
maybe i dont wanna be around normie society, maybe i dont want to semi-integrate.
I have pretty much no positive actual experiences among norms. its all ur watif couldabeens in make believe lives.
it started in misery in 1st grade, and never got any better. footnotes to boogerboy.
i mean maybe my grandiose delusions made life worse. but the delusions thats me. Thats much more the REAL ME, than Mr.Balanced reasonable realism, beaten down by 30 years of failure at life. Its my schizoid brain wiring as real as my autist brain wiring. I'm not just an autist, I'm a Spergzoid, a Zoidberg.
The schizoid is as core to me as the aspergers. The delusions are me. The core of my personality.
Anyway maybe they made things worse. But they are me. And me in everyway has been a negative interaction with normies.
And despite my surrender in 2010, things never gotten any better. And K-6 I liked the same fads as the other kids and I was most outcast.
No.4477
I mean if I had some STEM talent, I could put my aspie interests to use and $$, but no such luck.
I was OK in K-5 math in general. But I was already falling behind in 6th.
I was below average for my smart HS, maybe slightly above average for the general SAT population.
Well no point forcing myself into math. Although I did try to cultivate a math interest in 9th.
In 5th or so, I hated math so much, I said Math Curse the book, was about cursing out math.
I got caught in 6th by Mr.Fisher, reading Battle of the Bulge during math class. He screamed this is not an english class!
I mean I'm listening to a book on quant finance right now. Its all very interesting, the way theoretical cosmology is interesting. A tad over my head, as it gets much more technical and precise, than some of the other popular physics of finance books I've read. Well thats why I'm so unsuited for STEM. I like broad big philosophical concepts. Once it gets down to the number crunching I suck.
You could say I'm a numberphobe and a mathphobe.
A perfect example would grand strategy games. Which you would think would perfectly fit my historical interests. But I glaze over at having to manage resources, and make choices in allocation. I mean if u cant even do the basics for ur favorite topic, like say managaing Napoleonic France. Then forget finance or dissecting a triangle like in 9th grade.
Of course, not everything u appreciate and enjoy has 2 become a career path. You read pop STEM and econ. And keep your savings in Vanguard. And maybe have more respect for Wall Street for doing something beyond ur brain, more than clipping coupons. Like u respected the football team for being athletically above u.
No.4482
saw an old man spitting by the shopping center. Its a chokepoint on the sidewalk. So I decided to squeeze pass him. He had a nice suit.
I THOUGHT he was spitting. Once I passed him, I saw he had his pecker out his fly and was pissing.
Well doesnt seem like he got any on me.
Oh well a story to tell in my dull pointless life
No.4483
well maybe wizchan itself should make you challenge your slave morality.
That everyone who suffers and is rejected and outcast is a saintly hero out of a Victor Hugo novel. A Quasimodo, a Man Who Laughs, and Elephant Man.
Why friendless NEET virgins must be the noblest angels in the world. Since normie society is so evil. Since sexual selection is so evil. Then those who are rejected by sexual selection (crabs) or better yet those who opt out entirely of that twisted game (volcels) must be saints. Beta niceguys shoved aside in the cruel darwinian game. Or volcel saint warrior monks who rise above the game.
I mean some of u are all right on Wizchan.
But I think ull find the same mix of characters u would anywhere on the internet and IRL. And of course the nature of image boards anon encourages some dark triad troll assholery.
Well in 2009 u woulda thought u could just list a bunch of characteristics about u, and u would be defined. volcel, NEET, Aspergers, friendless, hermit, schizoid, basement dweller, piss bottles, Gnostic, anti-natalist, pessimist.
Now we have a whole board of that identifying DNA, and its not exactly clones of u. Ud take a friendly polite normie over some of ur clones.
Well so ur more than a list of Wizardly characteristics.
Ur thin-skinned.
well I guess one can be all stoic thinned. For any insult. Either it is false, in which case shrug it off. Or it reveals an ugly truth. In which it is not the truthee you ought to rage at, but the Reality in which its true.
Anyway I think you should stick to volcel9k and stay away from the rest of wizchan
No.4484
Do you think you would be equally de-valued in all societies cultures?
Well u can always fantasize a utopia where everyone loves ur type.
But more specifically I suppose a less anti-intellectual culture, a culture with more obediant students. And maybe u would have a place in it. I mean the number 1 reason u cant be a HSHT is because of US teens. Maybe if US teens werent such uppity assholes, it be ur perfect job.
But of course a lot of that anti-intellectualism comes not from society culture, but from urself. I'm not sure about K-6. But JRHS and HS had nothing against nerds. U had something against nerds.
Well intelligence was the one positive quality about u in K-6. And u hated urself. U hate the u, that ur born 2b. And so ur revolting against urself.
well u want 2b the opposite of urself.
Well its true, ur JRHS put no pressure on u 2 do sports, had no real glory of football. This isn't texas. U coulda been a comfortable nerd if u wanted 2.
So this poisoned anti-smart culture, comes not from without, but from within. Anti-you. Anti-self.
Well its true. If we want to continue the "u never had it better" line, never was it better 2b a nerd geek. But ur prideful, u have a big ego. U take the whole volcel chad thing very very seriously.
No.4485
I mean ur weak-willed and then strong-willed in the wrong direction.
U could just say yeah this is a culture that doesnt value brains enough, but I will live by my brains, pursue my nerdy interests and find fellow geek cals for my hobbies.
Instead u internalize the machismo culture so much. U gotta be Rambo Rocky. Football, wrestling, firefighting, West Point.
ACTION ACTION POW POW POW
U dont even really like action movies.
yeah I fucked it all up. I mean I mighta been borned fucked over from birth. But whatever % of life is decided by bad choices, I always chose wrong
No.4486
oh why was I sentenced 2b this shitty person?
I dont wanna be me,. I take no responsibility 4 me. I refuse to live this life.
And yet didn't I create this life?
Like yes there are the brute facts of what I was thrown into. My phenotype, looks, race, class, brain wiring, personality, circumstances.
And yet even with such throwness we still make our own destiny.
Existence precedes essence.
Well look at above, the brute facts of the WizNEET life, and yet how different Im from other WizNEETs.
Our values and ethics, we create that.
No one told me to make being Patton, the be-all end-all of my life. It was AGAINST the pressures around me, a ball thrown up against social gravity, that I made that my destiny.
So yes theres a bunch of shit I was just born into, but then I shitted out some more destiny myself.
Everything that I was predestined to is crap. But then there was a certain space for choices, and I always the made the bad choice.
So Im responsible for this life. I mean if this life is the result, outcome of my path since VMI, that was of my choosing.
If I was on the football team instead of Model UN, that was of my choosing.
Well u always mention model UN like it was the obvious place 4 me. And maybe it was. The d n d RPG of geopolitics. Whata dream.
I actually did join the Model UN my 1st year of college. Musta been Fall 2007.
Yeah graduated June 2006, failed at VMI in 10 days of August 2006. Started college late in Jan 2007. At 1st I wanted to kiss the floor of Normie College, just to escape the hell of VMI. When I marched at VMI, I chanted Frat U. Frat U was a free utopia to escape this totalitarian dystopian despotism. But of course just a few weeks, or hours, and my natural crab envy or volcel puritanism, made me seeth with resentment.
u wanna talk about gratitude. How I longed for the freedom and lazyness of a normie state college while suffering under the heel of my dream Spartan barracks totalitarian VMI utopia. But once fleeing as a refugee to freedom, I hated freedom.
Well my 1st roomates, 3 to a room, were 2 typical rural chads. The chaddier of the roomies was bragging about how a succubus chickened out of giving him a BJ in the bathroom "this is too trashy" and he was like wateva. And they were pledging in frats or some shit.
I walked with one of my roomates to the dinner hall, once because I had been going the wrong way. Thats like the peak of our socializing. And even Elliot casually made friends in college.
So then we had a de-coupling opprotunity. So I moved to a suite instead of a dorm.
my new roomate was a weeb. Used to watch anime with subtitles. The one time I talked with him was after the V-Tech massacre. Just to let him know I'm on Team Normie and hate evil warlocks.
No.4487
so then the end of Spring 2007. We gotta pick roomates for next year. And I guess I'm really picking bottom of the barrel. People who have made no friends in a year. And I specifically picked the no-drug no-beer hall hoping it would be more volcel. But I think most of the norms just get forced into by their parents and still sneak it in.
Anyway thats how I got paired up with "Mystery Man". Never even learned his name. Big fat guy with glasses. Like Peter Griffin. Or newb from the Office. Reminded me of the roomate in the show Greek. I think the same actor as office. idk maybe I was a mystery man to him.
I'll flesh out my college life later.
Anyway he was a big Model UN guy. Even won some championships or something. IDK how someone even more anti-social than me managed it.
I went to one meeting, and it was extremely crowded. And it felt like us newbs would never get to do anything. So I never came back.
I tried talking to my roomate about it. Said its just roleplaying. But he just said "its fun" and that ended one of our only conversations.
Yeah I should v9k more about Mystery Man roomate. It all seems so absurd 11 years later. Oh time. dow murders me.
No.4488
I mean Im actually a huge joiner. Even in K-6 I was doing after school programs.
Then 7-12 sports teams and clubs.
And in college both 1 n 2, I tried showing up for every opening possible. Tried to have a club for every day of the week.
I mean my 1st year of college, Spring 2007, I went to some theathre workshop, I thought it would just be a talk, maybe some exercises. But we were the ones expected to put on the show. So I performed in front of the whole school. My theathre 101 class gave extra credit for anyone who went. I told my proff I didnt just go, I starred in it. She said oh yeah she recognised me. So my chad roomate, talking to some succubus about the show, at the library cafe.
So even at my most anti-social psychotic moments, I'm still casually performing in front of the whole school.
Well maybe public speaking and performance isnt too hard for me. I have every single DSMIV. So in addition to aspergers, avoidant, schizoid. You can throw some histrionic in there too. The need to perform, play characters, be the show, be the center of attention.
No.4489
Exhibitionist behavior
Constant seeking of reassurance or approval
Excessive sensitivity to criticism or disapproval
Pride of own personality and unwillingness to change, viewing any change as a threat
Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature
Using somatic symptoms (of physical illness) to garner attention
A need to be the center of attention
Low tolerance for frustration or delayed gratification
Rapidly shifting emotional states that may appear superficial or exaggerated to others
Tendency to believe that relationships are more intimate than they actually are
Making rash decisions[4]
Blaming personal failures or disappointments on others
Being easily influenced by others, especially those who treat them approvingly
Being overly dramatic and emotional[6]
Influenced by the suggestions of others[7]
>Exhibitionist behavior
>Inappropriately seductive appearance or behavior of a sexual nature
Even this stuff that seems like its geared towards a drama queen lady.
Back in college, I used to walk out of the showers in just a towel or boxers. The succubi would avert my eyes as I passed them.
I think Ted Cruz did something like that in college 2.
Yeah yeah, every single DSM IV is me.
And I did it as a volcel. To show I'm not intimidated by normie shaming, but live by my volcel values. I dont see sex.
No.4490
Well its this stuff that makes you the biggest social failure in history.
I mean some people voluntarily dont want friends. People ask them to hang out and they say no.
No one ever asked me.
And some people are just near total mutes. They stick to themselves, never speak up. Quiet.
but me, super-active, always a joiner, no fear of public speaking or group speaking or even individual speaking.
I can speak to a stadium, a small group, 1 person.
see u might say oh u have no fear of the stadium because its impersonal, but u can speak to a small group or 1 or 1. But I do it all.
And from my aspie eyes, it all goes well and friendly. but fail fail fail.
I guess I just have the most repuslive personality in history.
And the fact that i cant even put my finger on what preciselt is wrong. I guess that just shows how aspie i really am.
No.4491
well its amazing how many of ur watif couldabens WERE experimented with and tried in some form IRL
poorly executed always. But hey Im who Im. Im a freakish man so I execute my actions in freakish ways.
No.4492
well if u begged Joe 2b ur friend when he clearly dislikes u. That would be very pitiful and pathetic.
Well replace Joe with a million Joes and all Humanity, and u got ur sitch.
So if Humanity doesnt like u, accept it and move on. Dont crawl on ur knees begging for acceptance. U cant force friendship.
Whatever the reasons are for Humanity not liking u, there they are.
And I guess its pretty flaming. Since even online, where all I'm is text on a screen, I always seem to end up the annoying odd man out.
No.4493
I mean I guess for me volcel was a great defense mechanism, a perfect shield for the ego.
I don't say it wasn't sincere and deeply held.
But it also did serve perfectly the needs of ego-shielding.
Well what better than to believe ur a volcel chad? All the ego-stroking of deluding ur chad. But no need to actually prove it.
A billionaire with a vow of poverty.
No.4494
In some sense I chose this life.
In that of all the times and place I could be born into, I would definitely want 1st world 2018.
I would take being a USA NEET 2018 over the life of suffering of human history.
I needed a post-historical age.
Well and even as a NEET, this techtopia offers me the escape of the Experience Machine 1.0. Which doesn't have to be fancy VR, but can just be widescreen 1080p.
yeah if all u care about is maximizing comfort and avoiding pain.
Better to have not lost, than to have ever lived at all.
No.4495
Yes if put behind the Rawlsian curtain of ignorance, with nothing but my value and risk preferences, a rational agent that maximizes comfort and minimizes suffering. That accepts David Benatar's 100:1 ratio of pleasure to suffering. Well I would trade away 100 units of joy, just to avoid 1 unit of pain.
well that pretty much excludes all lives before the 21st century.
so not much of a selection of all the humans who have ever been born.
and thats how you end up choosing 2b a USA NEET.
well a Nietzschean could critique my cowardly values, that end up with a 2018 USA NEET plugging into VR.
Nozick's Experience Machine.
No.4496
well so a 942 or 1942 normie might have chosen their lives, with all the pain and suffering they might eventually suffer, they chose 2b born, they wanted those human moments of life, in love, community, friendship, family. And it was worth it to be alive to experience it as well as to endure the suffering.
While for me, I would rather have none of those good things, if I could avoid the pains of it. I would rather not have the thing, which is just a bundle of fears of losing the thing. I would never want the responsibility of children.
Well we dont have 2 go back to 942.
Look at that doctor in Conneticut, nice mansion. Just think of the life that goes into med school, a doctor practice, a lovely family. All lost in a day. His wife and daughters raped and burned alive in front of his eyes. Him the sole survivor.
But like in the Book of Job, God gave him a new family to make up for his old one. After all that he remarried already.
So look there is a human life, not in 942 Burgundy nor 1942 Poland. But in 2010 America. And in the top 1% of 2010 American lives. And it can still be horrible, suffering pain loss.
So better to have nothing, and fear losing nothing, and always on the verge of suicide, in that sweet dreamless sleep in which one can experience no surprises.
Fear leads to suicide.
U fear life so much, ull run str8 outta it.
Ur fearful riskless dickless nature. U ran way from life. 1st as a hikki and then as a suicide.
ur so very weak.
No.4497
its all darwinism.
there isnt a place for every1
and u clearly are a very defective malfunctioning fuckup
No.4498
volcel9k
No.4499
all is lost
die me die
die i die
baiskdfhwekgwrkg;;sdgh
i got nothing 2 say
0 2 say
oh man oh man
power rangers
damn this life
i was born
i died
exist i did
no no id dintg
No.4500
seems like the only direction my life moves in is from bad to worse. And everytime I'm ready to make peace with the current status quo, things have to deteriorate.
As Schopenhauer says there is no pleasure, only removal of pain.
I wish for the removal of the current new pain, which would only get me back to last week, where I was already suicidal.
Bad to worse to worser, forever. But never a rock bottom. Just an infinite fall.
This is hell. Surely infinite nonexistence cant be worse than this.
No.4503
so lets talk
well u know its kinda repetitive.
idk I think Ive basically figured this life thing out, probably for sometime already. I mean the ultimate conclusion of all this, is I suck, I'm doomed for suicide, suicide is the answer.
And there were little peaks of that from 2000 on whenever my Destiny didn't seem 2b working out, full blown after 2006 when my Destiny went down in flames, and with serious determination in 2009 when all substitutes had likewise failed.
So we're talking of 12 years of life sucks, lets suicide already.
And look if all things stay the same, looks like you will glide into 2019 as well. Its not like January is so special. So the months pass until another Jan slips by and its 2019 2020.
such is life.
well theres no mystery to it. Im relatively satsified in NEETopia, and I guess I'm just waiting for the shoe to drop and life 2 get much worse.
No.4504
well i have a whole conversation while im talking walking to myself
and then by the time i get to v9k, im kinda meh about bothering to type it all up.
i mean sometimes seeing the words preserved on a screen helps spark some new insight as opposed to just dabbling in my brain.
idk i just circle around the same memories, of my rather uneventful life, the same watifs based off it, and maybe some abstractions and philosophizing built off those weak foundations
No.4505
ehhhh guess we're not gonna be v9king today then.
well yada yada watif coulda been. oh wait its not so gr8, ur still a loser anyway. maybe this NEET life was the best option 4u after all. blah blah
No.4506
One of my dreamjobs used to be "bounty hunter" which I guess gives an idea of the crazy macho action adventure fantasy lives I was still dreaming of in 2007
No.4517
oh my hellish life just moves from bad to worser, so that I beg the Demiurge to just let me have what I had yesterday, even though yesterday I was already at suicide.
well we knew this deteroiration was natural. thats y we always said this NEET life was unsustainable, even beyond emotions and finances, on physical health alone.
it seems all my ailments have to disturb me, every waking second of my life and with no cure.
I'm too shy to see my medicaid doctor and have to face the reality of my shit health. id rather keep my head in the sand. so im wasting my free medicaid. but then again if i wasnt an anti-social maniac, i wouldnt be a NEET on medicaid on the 1st place.
No.4518
ugh im so bored with myself, i dont even wanna v9k really.
blah blah it sucks, everything sucks.
i got nada more 2 say
No.4534
Melancholy
Lust
No.4562
>>4534Yes most melancholy men are full of lust. If they did not lust like foolish crabs, they would find much to enjoy in this world.
No.4585
Well whatya want me to do with my life?
i have no idea.
now the physical body is breaking down, the mental emotional pains are like nothing
No.4586
well I see my task now is more a pro vita mea, an apolgia a defense of the life I have lived, as the best of all possible lives.
In a sense the watif couldabeens are no distraction from that, they are the method of proof, the mathematical proof of assuming the opposite, proof by contradiction.
I want to prove X, so I show the contradiction if not-X is true.
So I want to prove that my actual life, is the only life, and the best life that I could have lived once being born.
And so to prove it, I disprove all the alternative possible lives.
In a sense each wat-if negates all the other wat-ifs. For example as late as 2016, my alt-lives all snuck in some rising to power. Being someone of historic importance was so important to me.
So then I experimented with the wageslave for hobbies, watif life, and that negated all the glorious lives. Its a mundane normie life, with a boring normie job. The point is to use the $$$ to fund hobbies.
But then I decided that hobbies arent worth the wageslaving and I enjoy it enough for free NEETing unto suicide.
So then the HSHT watif took over. And the focus was not on the $$$, but on making my current hobby life sustainable, but with a job I would actually enjoy doing. And that was getting to monologue about history all day. HS History teacher.
That IE negated all the normie jobs. Don't want 2b some boring lawyer or accountant or bureacrat civil servant slaving for the dough.
The job has to be enjoyable in itself, something Id do for free.
And so that basically eliminated all the possible jobs, I had been experimenting in my past watifs.
So every watif helps eliminate the other watifs.
Then we explore it in extreme depth and detail and we negate it from within by 3 methods
1) Reality- turns out I actually did try this route and its a wat-was not wat-if and for its own reasons it didn't work out IRL despite being tried.
2) Unreality- showing how fantastic and delusional even so-called low-tier realistic imagined life paths are.
3) Dislike- showing even if I got my best case scenario watif, I wouldn't actually like it or be happy
No.4666
well everything both good and bad, is research for suicide.
If you find yourself alienated from and not fitting in on Wizchan, I guess that shows what a special special snowflake you are. A misfit among the misfits.
Well for one it shows that you can't be defined purely negatively as a not-sexhaver not-friendhaver not-happy not-sexwanter not-jobwanter.
via negativa.
Well u can take someone who is an outcast, virgin, volcel, depressed, pessimist, anti-natalist, anti-sex, gnostic and instead of being my best wizfriend hes my worst wizenemy.
Well as specific as things like basement-dwelling and piss bottles might seem, in some ways they are extremely universal and say nothing of the particular individual.
Well think of an internet flame war, in which rival clans of basement dwelling pissbottlers fight each other as mortal enemies to the death. And even they have more unity with each other than u have with them. They are unified by whatever team or game they battle over.
No.4667
whole damn internet and i cant find anything to do.
well im sick of reading and im not one for gaming.
back in the very old days, I could hop into a Yahoo or even AOL chat and talk about a common topic with instant responses. But these days chatrooms dont really exist anymore.
And u know even in a chat community devoted to something like history or philosophy, I find I dont really have much to say. Im a passive consumer I guess.
idk maybe I need to find more visual mediums instead of just words. Maybe look at some art or something
im really really bored with my internet time
No.4668
idk there are times where wizchan felt so at home and cozy to me. I loved almost every board here.
Hob on my interests. Wiz for volcel pride. dep for pessimism, gnosticism, suicide, piss bottle NEETing anti-natalism. Lounge for what was ever on my mind.
Then it go sour and I'd leave for a while. And come back and ask why I ever left, and then 10 minutes later, oh yeah thats why.
But lately Ive felt no desire to come back. It seems like the elements I dont like have totally won out.
Or we're victims of our own success. We cleared out all the crabs. Now we can't whine about feelings. And so there isn't much left to talk about. We are all honorable volcels and not much to say about being honorable. And so it just becomes a general discussion image board like everywhere else on the web.
No.4669
damn i really gotta find something to do with internet time.
well u can look at pictures for now.
idk it depends what u wanna do. u can read on topics ur interested in. there is a world outside of wikipedia.
i mean u havent googled up a new site in ages.
ummmmm
well games. i mean i like it very simple. my genius brain cant handle much management.
No.4729
its weird i come up to the keyboard, thinking i have something 2 type, but ive discussed it in my head to shreads already and find myself with nothing 2 say
No.4730
well its extremely repetitive.
maybe life isnt so bad. just had a nice indian buffett. id just be a history teacher enjoy the small pleasures of life. be a happy volcel. make casual chitchat a few hours at the gym each day. thats better than intimate friendship anyway.
sounds nice.
then i break it all down. say its unrealistic, could never happen, wouldnt be great even if it did happen
yada yada
No.4765
well im here to v9k
No.4767
well maybe today will be the day i actually have the time to v9k
well im so out of it. i mean everything i know about normies come from wizchan and tv. that should be the end of all watifs. i mean im such an autistic martian that i dont even know what friendship is. like i have to guess what friends do together. do they just sit around on a couch watching tv and talkimg? idk
martian aspie anthropologist.
No.4768
well so we killed all watifs. this life is all i could ever know. its my neetopia. but my physical body is breaking down and ill have 2 suicide anyway.
its all so repetitive
No.4779
I got triggered. Now Im full of hate for my life, hate for who Im. hate for this life I was given that I dont want to call mine.
I refuse to play the role in the play that Fate Destiny Throwness assigned me. I quit! I wont play!
Well u shouldnt get triggered so easily. Thats just reality. U dont hate it because its false but because its true. And if it is reality, what can u do about it? It justifies the semi-hermit decision of urs, 2 withdraw from life.
if its all sunshine and rainbows, what a fool are you, for going hermit. its thunderstorms and misery!
No.4780
yeah im a long way from epictetus. stoically play any role the writer has assigned to you, be it Prince or Slave.
Im more the type to rant i HATE HATE HATE being a slave. I will hold my breath till I turn blue.
Give me what I want or I'll kill myself.
I hate this person I was given responsibility for.
I hate me.
And so if u have some bad things 2 say about me. u wont find me defending me. i hate me too.
as if I can just blame it all on genes and enviroment and destiny. And act like choice, very idiosyncratic choices, have no role to play.
well none of my choices could go against the gravity of my life anyway. and it they were batshit insane, its cuz i got an insane brain. and dats genes.
No.4781
well there is reality in this. we cant just always pretend everything is flowers with these stupid watif couldabeens.
I dont want 2b the happy passive virginerd who just accepts his place in life.
I mean Im willing 2b a virgin, sure. But the angry righteous volcel prophet railing jerimiads against a corrupt decadent society babylon.
If Im just live and let live with babylon, then why am I volcel, why am I virgin? Then Im crab.
Anyway all these DECADES of intellectualizing, 10000 pages, and it only gets u 2 sqaure one of crab. Look at ER. He 100% accepts the ideology of sex and $$$, he just wants some for himself. So I have to take decades and 300 fat textbooks to get u2 understand that libertine society of sex and $$$ isn't so bad. Well thats just crab square one. They all accept the ideology. But society doesn't accept them.
And hey we can get all Freudian and say deep down I knew I was crab all along, and this is all a volcel defense mechanism, sour graping, to reject a society that rejected me FIRST.
well maybe.
idk i have no ego honor to defend.
everything bad about me is probably, definitely true and then some
No.4785
welp another day of whining and complaining to myself
No.4786
in just my walk over here, I was reminded that I really hate casual chitchat smalltalk.
I mean so many of these watifs are about being more social. But my nature really is to shrink away from it.
I mean this NEET semi-hermit life, its the real me. Its my social gravity. Its what I tend towards.
In Aristotelian physics its my natural home
No.4787
I always talk it all out in my head and then have nothing to say by the time I get here
No.4821
gonna be alone for the next 2 weeks. parents out. this is when i sometimes fall into an even blacker pit of depression.
its a shame these v9k issues are coming up right now, when i least need them but i will just say no to v9k.
im not gonna deal with these issues right now.
im just gonna enjoy some youtube video essays
No.4822
sometimes i get too consumed by the rage and depression
Do I have the worst life in the world?
well as my physical body breaks down, Im reminded that we ought to be grateful for all the pains we dont have.
i mean being born into the 1st world 1990s was a priviledge.
maybe i shoulda been more content with just NEETing and enjoying my hobbies.
but it was never sustainable. and eventually i would have to wageslave, suicide or homeless.
i mean the last few months i have been trying to enjoy what i have more. figures when i retire from life just to enjoy audiobooks and music, that would be just the perfect times for my eardrums to blow out, and tinitis. hearing loss.
blind, deaf and dumb. Well not totally dumb (mute), but hampered by a retard lisp and avoidant anxiety.
well its the cheapass in me. squeeze every penny. why dispose of a perfectly healthy young body in 2013. now im just dumping a heap of used up junk. squeezed all the juice out of me.
well y should i care if im serious about suiciding in 2018? and if not. fuck me. well y fuck me? i mean theres no magic in 2018 or the month of December.
ull call me a hypocrite who loves life. but hey I have found some hobbies, that while not great, let the days go by in comfort. so y blame me for enjoying what i can in whatever time i have left? im not in a rush to die. but if tomoro u tell me the time has come. ill take the leap.
No.4823
I mean its not the worst life in the world. but the thing about being middle class is the only thing u inherit is opprotunity. and it takes a lot of striving and gusto just to stand still. and i just didnt have the motivation for it.
maybe its crabby. idl. normies do a lot of boring shitty jobs. what motivates them? is it all sex and friends?
what do normies live for?
what do u even want out of life?
idk idk
look tons of people kill themselves over social reasons. how can they compete with me, who has had 0 socialization over 30 years? without ever being diagnosed with anything. not being mute. and making numerous attempts to change my situation since Yeltsin was President.
i mean most people dont kill themselves because they are low income, but because of various social triggers. so how can they compete with someone who is just a 0 from birth to deaath?
maybe u shoulda seen a therapist sometime along tis path.
i mean therapists arent miracle workers. but if ur so distressed, over what is IE a personal disorder, maybe u shoulda taken a swing at it. Not just in 1994, but maybe in 2009 or now.
u always said u didnt want 2b fixed. u didnt want 2b semi-functional. but maybe u do. idk.
well its too late now. the ship has long sailed on the HSHT option, IF it was ever a real and good optin
No.4824
well its darwinism. not everyone can win. survival of the fittest, ur unfit. winners and losers. there has 2b a biggest loser and its u.
no magick to it.
so just get off this rock.
well i have an inertia lazy personality. so until pushed i dont jump. and here im.
well ive gotten so many extra years than i originally planned, years that have only confirmed that the world is worse than i ever coulda imagined. so theres no regret in death. maybe i regret not dying sooner and happier.
its all extra years. years id been better off not having.
so die when u have a chance
No.4825
god damned darwinian universe. not one id want 2b born into
No.4826
do u want to talk about how the whole history of the world all lead up to u being depressed on v9k right now or nah?
No.4827
it really dont matter. if i kill myself for a good reason or a bad reason, as long as im dead.
it could just be for some autard schizoid reason, like i think the whirlpool is a wormwhole to some scifi dimension adventure or some shit.
die believing something happy. and for all u know, it'll be true on the other side. no one to tell u wrong.
overintellectual materialist anti-natalism aint gonna help ya
No.4828
I never really liked being around people. And if I ever did the opposite, it was going against my natural gravity, because I felt pressured to. It was not something that came naturally.
yeah yeah thats just introversion. but thats just the tip of the assberg of all the things wrong with u.
No.4829
this universe is so strange to me.
god i cringe and cant make sense of the thought process of teen me.
perhaps the 80 year old me, who will never exist, would likewise cringe at me now.
well i cringe at me now. i understand the normie perspective or at least i think i do. but what do i really know? it was all taught to me by wizchan.
maybe at 15 i didnt know what i did wrong. now i get everything i do is wrong. but i got no idea how to fix it.
No.4830
I mean at least u werent physically bullied in HS, it seems inevitable for someone of ur personality in most HS.
well i guess even the things i should be grateful for, dont really help me now.
maybe i would have changed my personality, and not felt so free to be a weirdo.
oh who am i kidding. im not the type to toughen up under pressure.
it all sucks. i just wish i wasnt born this person.
i dont want the responsibility of me
No.4831
no one has understood humanity less than me.
well if u admit that much, then have some episteological humbleness and stop worrying about what apes do. u dont get them. dont kno em. dont pretend u do.
i know that i know nada.
No.4832
if im just an objectively inferior being that has no subjective understadning of humanity.
then there is nothing 2 whine about
No.4833
this evil darwingod decided i had 2b born as this shit
No.4834
darwinurge
demiurwin?
nah i dont think demiurge and darwin merge together well.
but yeah i hate this being i was born 2b.
but i suppose in some sense im responsible for it. i coulda been a volcel catholic monk or something if i had the drive for it. that was a choice.
i mean this life is better than starving or being tortured to death.
the relative and the absolute.
yeah u can find many lives worse than mine.
but mine still isnt worth living.
ahhh this shitty person who is me.
but what gives u the right to speak in 3rd person?
u make choices, ur responsible for this life.
no its not me.
well i wont concern myself with humans.
i dont get em, and every social interaction ive ever had with em, just proves how zero i know.
No.4835
ahhh universe u cant give me a little break. u have to shove all the filth in my face.
well i dont care. im just a military history autist that memorizes the specs of the tanks as Kursk
No.4874
cant believe im spending my vacation time on v9k
but who am i kidding. i got 0 better 2 do than 2 talk 2 myself about myself.
well i find that talking in my head, is easier than typing it all up anyway, and i dont even need a PC for it.
does typing add anything?
idk i guess it provides a material record of what i was thinking at a specific date.
and maybe it makes it more solid than just floating around in my brain. something concrete to bounce ideas off.
idk i guess ive talked about it 2 myself in my head so much, that by the time i sit down 2 write, it seems pointless.
if i actually lived a life, i think id like to keep a diary. after all whats the point of living a life, if u forget it all? id keep a diary, and a dream diary. after all 1/3 of our life is spent in dreaming.
i dreamed i lead a student riot over not being let into some talk back in HS or even JRHS. And then something about fat llyod and an advanced history course.
sigh, the characters in my dreams are still from 2000-6. Characters I haven't seen in AT LEAST 12 years, some of them I barely saw SR year 06 anyway.
boy thats sad. the only characters in ur dreams are from 12+ years ago. havent seen them since. the last time, peers were forced by state law to spend time with me imprisoned in class together. boy, that just says it all. end the v9king right there. what else is there to say about ur pathetic life?
No.4875
what is so bad and repulsive about me?
why couldn't one human being in the world just be nice to me?
Im not a crab begging for a gf. OK maybe I'm begging for a guy friend. Even many Wizchanners have that. Like why couldn't I find one guy int he world to just talk /hob/ stuff with. Thats all I wanted out of humanity.
I'm the Elliot Rodger to Elliot Rodger. He talks about male friends like they are nothing. The same way hes the niceguy Supreme Gentleman who doesn't understand why gfs go for chads who disgard them. Elliot makes new college friends and goes to the movies with them, effortlessly like its nothing. And he talks about what annoying nerds, who wont get him a gf they are. Asshole crab like Elliot picks up guyfriends like nothing. At 1st I thought most of his friends were just Warcraft buddies from his normie days K-8. But no, even alone in college, he effortlessly makes new male friends, without even wanting them.
Im not just a monolguer. Im a good listener. I let the homeless lady at the train station, and the schizoid conspiracy nut at the McDonalds make conversation with me. And I listen and I enage them. I'll talk about any topic, any interest. I'll listen I'll give feedback. I'll read up the wikipedia on whatever you're interest is, and try to give insight.
yeah yeah im such a perfect conversationalist. ready to listen and dialogue. talk about any of YOUR interests.
but I guess i just give off that Aspergers phermomee that makes me universally repulsive to all, even other losers, who I think should be grateful for my conversation.
U can walk into a crowded auditorium, and hold a crowd, make them laugh, make them cheer, engage them 1 on 1 and in a group. But u cant make a single friend.
And its not like I sat on my hands all these years.
ur a crab for malefriends. gfs u dont even bother with.
its amazing 2b this friendless.
idk. im so autistic that idk what that X factor is that makes me so repuslive.
No.4876
so basically all ur watifs come down to the HSHT job now. Lets say for a moment that u tried it and it was a miserable failure. Certainly plausible. In an urban setting quite easily, we can see u being bullied by ur own students. And even in ur suburban AP Euro dream scenario, its easy to imagine u growing 2 hate ur students, despising them, dreading em, and hating being around em, and all ur intellectualizing about "getting paid to talk warcraft" or "Watching the live teen dramedy" wont cut it.
Certainly plausible scenarios.
Then what, then u truly are lost. I mean we shot down most other careers and the hobbying life. U see how empty ur human contact is. U have no motive or drive to live 4.
So if we cancel out the HSHT gig as a real possibility. Then there is not a single job ud want 2 do. and u truly are lost.
well then maybe my actual path makes sense. live in delusion as long as possible. and once that bubble bursts. research for suicide, while enjoying ur NEETopia hobbies.
yeah theres a logic to it.
i mean i still think all that intensity patton stuff was a waste. why not be a slacker from the start? take a chill pill, relax. dont take lifeshit so seriously.
yeah but that might not be ur 1st natural reaction 2 learning ur losershit doomed 2 fail.
severe suicide depression, seems more natural 2 ur type.
i mean this 2018 me, is a personality cut down from decades of endless failure. its not who i was in HS.
im not defending teen me. I mean my disorded schizoid thinking is just so bizaare that 2018 me can hardly wrap my head around it.
but it is who i was.
No.4877
I feel like we're everything and nothing at the same time. What most fucks with my mind is the duality omnipresent in the material world.
A sane person would refer to himself always talking in third person
No.6610
you've had too many
No.6926
Hello. I don't know how to say what I want but I will try my best, sorry if I don't make any sense or make any grammatical errors.
I want to work for those who are mega-rich and those who are mega-rich + very influential, I want to be very close to these people and be able to make them do or take things they would not take from a random person. I don't know which job would be best to be able to work for these people since they probably only take people who, not only are the very best, also know them or someone they know personally.
When I say I want to work for the rich, I mean all of them. Politicians, Oil barons, pharmaceutical business men, tech gurus, etc; I want to work for those involved in American politics+business as well as those involved in Chinese politics+business, EU politics+business, Russian politics+business, all of them.
I am studying for medical school since my parents want me to get into a medical related job, but I don't know which medical/medicine job to take when I am done. Due to wanting to be able to work with the rich and also be able to be very close to them in private without anyone else being with them, I am thinking of becoming a surgeon or anaesthetist as I would be super close to these people and be alone + do whatever I want to them, but I would need to be SUPER good and also be super lucky to even get close to these guys.
So what job would be the best for this purpose and what exactly would one need to do, what places would be best for meeting these people and have them hire me to do tasks for them?
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