I've read a lot about 'how 2 make money online.' What makes me the most sick is that the majority of these 'make money online' businesses are also businesses that teach people 'how 2 make money online.'
There was this proofreading teaching business that was apparently doing really well. A marketing business which makes over 10 million a year selling marketing training to businesses and marketing training to marketers so they can also sell marketing to businesses.
I think the part I hate the most is how social it all is. I don't want to talk to people. I want their money so I can use the money to not talk to them.
Which is how I got into "Mom and Pop's Business Funding".
This was my entire last month of life. I would literally wake up and think about how to talk to people the whole day- I wasn't sleeping well, my every thought consumed by how the next conversation with the next customer was going to go. I eventually had a panic attack, didn't make a single sale.
It sounded way too easy for way too much money. Advertise to businesses you have a loan product for them, they say yes you email in their information. Then you get big check.
I mean, that was the fantasy of it. I learned so much about these damn loans even though they are simple as fuck, a business either needs them or doesn't.
I really, really believed I was finally going to make it. I had dreams of 5k checks in my mailbox(average loan for the biz is 100k and as fresh blood I'd get 5% commission so that was a reasonable amount to be dreaming about).
I spent hours everyday spamming email templates to every business owner selling their business. I even made telemarketing calls.
Then I made a site, joined facebook(I hate facebook, but money, so) started running some ads, built up a ton of attention, was sure I'd be successful in a few months just because of attention over time.
Nothing was really in my way- I believed I'd get a check if the loan went through. I just needed the right person to see the page. That was it. They would call me, I was busy rehearsing every possible detail even though the loans were simple as shit in the first place. I attended these twice weekly conferences on the phone with the president.
I thought I was really going to make it. I thought I was going to be the 'guy who got out.' I had no idea what I was going to do with the money, but I didn't care— I wasn't going to be a loser who couldn't pay for himself anymore. I would have pride.
And then I had what might have been a panic attack. Was thinking I had corona. Thought, like for sure, I was going to die. Super cold body temperature. Called 911, my vitals were perfect despite being 270lbs.
I didn't think it had anything to do with selling the loans until I clicked those facebook ads off. I was spending 4 bucks a day because I was going to build my audience up slowly and I didn't want to telemarket, but the moment I turned those ads off it was like chains fell off of me.
Same when I deleted my website and articles I wrote informing people about the loans. I don't know how anyone could have made an easier job for me for more money- just tell some random person the details of a loan, send in their information.
That's the entire job. I knew it in and out, but yet, it crushed me from the inside out.
I wanted money to be free of money. But, all I learned was that I found new ways to destroy myself from the inside without anyone helping.
It's 8 days since that breakdown. I was sick for about 3 days, no idea what happened. I'm glad to be better but my mind feels like a mess now. I spent all this psychic energy towards the promise of a big check- there wasn't even much time investment required! My mind keeps throwing those excuses back to me and thinking 'well maybe I'll go back when I feel better hA hA'
I feel awful. I hate, hate money. I hate what it made me feel, how fearful it made me feel, I hate the people who participate in this game.
I spent so many years looking for 'easy outs' and 'get-rich-quicks' and this is where it all landed me. Straight into misery town.
I spent the last eight days overeating, spending tons of money on food, and watching anime from wakeup to sleep. I know I'm feeling better because I'm starting to think of doing stuff again.
I don't know why my mind is like this. I don't know why I feel I can't do it. I'm stuck in a puzzle I spent years trying to understand, trying to play a game I hate, for a reward that won't help me live much better.
This is the definition of insanity.