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 No.180818

>one chance at life
>catatonic schizophrenic, life was terrible even before I went totally insane, always had symptoms of psychomotor impoverishment/weird behavior since childhood, schizophasia
>someone who talked to me recently on discord said it was like talking with a monster
>already destroyed mentally, can't think clearly, no memory, no motivation
>have to kill myself before total catatonia sets in, don't have the nerve, stuck between two impossible outcomes

I'm so scared.

I wish I could show you what I've seen in my dreams.

 No.180819

>>180818
>I wish I could show you what I've seen in my dreams.
try to describe it, i'm intrigued

 No.180821

>>180819
Well in one dream, I was watching like a flesh monster version of me cut my own tongue out with some kind of sharp edged blade, I kept pulling and pulling out more tongue, endless tongue, but it felt like this dream was happening in purgatory, in some dark basement of reality.

Beyond that I've seen some interesting shit I genuinely can't describe, wandering around massive like art deco complexes, weird hotels full of paranormal vibes, like the Winchester mystery house. It sounds not as cool as it looks, obviously, i can't remember or describe most of it. Like I'm exploring the afterlife. Seen spooky dolls.

Did have a whimsical dream where I was traveling with a group through like a weird multilevel Victorian mansion but it was like, the purpose was to travel through each room and each room was like supposed to be a totally fun novel experience, like a theme park ride. Like a mix of willy wonka and Jurassic park and Wes Anderson, strange colorful creatures and sprays of foam and light and ornate furniture, puzzles, strange contractions, kinda reminded me of the imagery from Jeff Mangum's music.

The dreams are the best thing in my life, wasnt having them for a while but I started again after i got a shot of nerve medication at the hospital. I know weed or ecstasy or ketamine might perk me up but scared of another psychotic break, too scared to even take my antidepressants because they've caused breaks. The voices are scary.

 No.180822

>>180818
>have to kill myself before total catatonia sets in, don't have the nerve, stuck between two impossible outcomes

I feel that feel, wizzie. I have had a terrible childhood and either because of that or my genetics I have developed audible and visual delusions in the past year or so. I cannot currently see a professional for a diagnosis but when I do it would likely end my current career.
I used to hate my life but I still felt encouraged to escape and live one I felt entitled to. I felt so smart then. I now barely have the ability to communicate with people normally and my cognitive skills have crashed and burned.
The last time I got any real sleep I had a terrible nightmare in which I killed myself and awoke to hellfire.
This isn't something anyone should have to deal with when life is already full of suffering. I want to kill myself before I become a slave to illness or medication but I probably won't have the courage to do it.
I hope your dreams leave you alone tonight.

 No.180847

why you deleted your op pic

 No.180848

>>180847
Your situation sounds bad but not unlivable, I think you still have some time left. I'm sorry about that, although you might not be schizophrenic, there's still hope.
>>180822
I didn't I think a mod did, it was just crispy wojak

 No.180849

>>180818
How similar are you to this?

 No.180858

>>180849
Already seen that video, somewhat similar although my affect isn't nearly as flat, I have other weird psychomotor dysfunction, hard to describe.

 No.180864

>>180818
how old are you OP?

i ask because i understand a little of what you are going through. I have clinical depression that's pretty bad. first hit when i was 19, and got progressively worse over the proceeding two years. it hit a point were the anguish was so intense i fantasized about suicide everyday to comfort myself. as much as i wanted to die i never seriously considered it, because i wanted to spare my family from the pain it would cause them. if it hadn't been for this i might be dead now. however, i could only hold out so long; each day wore away more of me, until so little was left that i realized i wouldn't be able to hold out.

i was lucky. during this period i was trying different things to deal with my depression and stumbled on exercise that helped me. not much, my life was still hell, but enough to keep me away from suicide. then later i found meds that helped, then found better meds/medication combos. little by little the things i found to help me snowballed and life became better.

i don't know how old you are or where you are in your journey with your mental illness, but don't give up if there are things you haven't tried yet. i know despair. i know what it is to know in your gut, in your heart, that there is no hope, that live is empty, and to believe death is the only escape. i know how it feels when this isn't an opinion you hold or a way you feel, but a truth of life that simply exists for you. but i've learned reality can be altered.

what measures have you taken to improve your situation? what attempts have you made? what options have you explored?

 No.180890

>>180864
28, dude you don't get it its over for me, I was always borderline retarded and now I have neurological damage the likes of which is usually seen in dementia patients. I am already dead. Depression is like a paper cut, schizophrenia is a lobotomy

 No.180891

>>180890
i'm not trying to say our situations are the same. what i am saying is that the effects of mental illness can be mitigated and quality of life improved.

what have you done to try and improve your situation?

 No.180897

>>180890
>schizophrenia is a lobotomy
Not schizophrenia but neuroleptics.

 No.180898

Unless you are dangerous madmen who absolutely need medications to stop it, I do not recommend taking medications for schizophrenia. After all, it is they who cause neurological damage and, consequently, mental deficiencies. "Schizophrenia" is just a collection of behaviors. Until 100 years ago, such a concept did not exist, in the past of mankind this type of disease with such a set of symptoms was not recorded. This is a modern invention of deranged psychiatrists and backed by governments that support labels that can justify the pacification of citizens. Probably in 100 years the term schizophrenia will not exist. Of course, you are probably mentally different, but pills from a psychiatrist do not cure it, they can only suppress and calm you down. You have to look for a physical cause here.
Some people like it because they can get free mental illness money, but for me it doesn't add up.

 No.180899

I hope you get well wizzie I also have extreme mood swings, sometimes I feel well and happy but most of the time I want to grab my fathers gun and shoot myself in the head that extreme depression period gets worse as I feel more useless leech as a 28 year old neet who never worked.

 No.180905

>>180818
Jesus loves you. Pray for deliverance. Never harm yourself

 No.180932

>>180891
>>180898
I used to take meds consistently, now I only do it when I can't take the suicidal thoughts, the saddest part of all of this is, I would have lived a much more normal life had I been medicated early, even in childhood. A little Wellbutrin, Zoloft, and my life would have been totally different. The first time I went on a high dose of wellbutrin I felt normal for the first time in years, if I had just been on it as a child (and I know they medicate children, they medicated my cousin) I would have been a completely different human being. But I was abandoned by my meth head freak parents, the education system, they ignored all the signs of a profoundly disturbed child. I would have been OK. I needed a lot of therapy for my autism, without any guidance I became a freak. I also would have had my psychotic break. My parents should be shot for this bullshit. Destroying my life

 No.180936

>>180932
See this is what happens when freedumbs prevents getting kids the help they need. I'm sorry wizzie if the govt had more control in intervening kids help maybe your life would have been better.

 No.180948

>>180936
>more gov control is good
>think of the chillun
Old female or pedo rapist.

 No.180950

>>180936
Glow harder holy shit

 No.180987

>>180932
So strange to me that people like you say zoloft actually does something good.

 No.180990

Moved to >>>/dep/241949.



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