No.221415
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently. I suppose this lifestyle lends itself to introspection; anybody posting on imageboards at all likely lives a life replete with free time. Recently, I've been spending a lot of time just sitting in thought or trying to journal/write posts to organize my thoughts. I recently stopped taking kratom after months of high doses daily, and I feel like that shit just slowed down my mind and shut off my internal monologue. Now that I'm clean, my thoughts move so fast it gets overwhelming. I've always been an overthinker, though.
One thing I think a lot about is my early childhood. Occasionally, as I'm absorbed in a task, memories will drift into my mind. Early, early memories that I had thought were forgotten. I feel pangs of nostalgia and indulge in trying to recreate those moments; I have a very indulgent mind, constantly daydreaming and thinking onanistically like a bunch of hipster faggots discussing philosophy over $5 coffees. Sometimes, I wonder if nostalgia is the only thing I can feel anymore.
Since I was 17 or 18, I started to reminisce about the media of the 2000's that I had experienced growing up. I revisited many books I had read as a kid, often to disappointment. Those things that used to be magical seemed shitty and underwhelming, but I still can't let them go. After graduating high school I became intensely depressed. It wasn't that I was suicidal like I was in high school. I just felt dead inside. I was convinced I had anhedonia and spent hours trying to figure out how to fix it.
During that time, I became a warehouse wagie, and the physical labor actually sparked something inside me. While working, I would daydream about getting home and doing things other than just sitting and staring at the ceiling. I started busting my ass just to feel something again, even if it was just brutal exhaustion. I continued this way for two years, lying to my parents about taking online classes. When I eventually came clean, I was forced to enroll in community college. Now, I pretend to go to class and sit in the library browsing Wizchan every day.
Most parents would have made me pay rent or helped me find an apartment if I didn't want to attend college, which I would have had no issue with. Instead I am forced to do this shit. I tried to move out twice before, but my dad showed up at my work and started causing problems which made me feel guilty and come back home to make him happy. After the second time, he took complete control of my finances. They don't realize that I'm just not capable of school, and they still buy into the "gifted kid" narrative, even though I've been an underachiever for the past decade.
The last time I was happy, I was nine years old. I'm afraid I will never be that happy again. All I can do is try to remember. When I first discovered weed, it was almost like being a child again and seeing things for the first time. I bought some shitty delta 8 gummies from a head shop and started eating one every day after work at my shitty office job. Pretty soon, I just felt even worse when I wasn't high, and started becoming more depressed and anhedonic, so I quit. Tried kratom, got that feeling of being so absorbed in something I didn't have to think anymore, got severely addicted, quit. No real desire to go back as it suppressed so many emotions.
I don't know what to do. My thoughts are still so scattered. Hope you're all having a comfy day.
No.221416
>>221415so what are you doing nowdays?
No.221417
>>221416Pretending to go to school and posting on imageboards all day
No.221418
>>221417sounds nightmare, how are you going to get out of this?
No.221419
>>221418I essentially have two options. Either move out and get disowned by my family, or do the college and get a job that I hate. Not sure what to do yet.
No.221420
>>221419don't get disowned by your family, I guess that's the right answer (according to me) but is it what YOU want?
No.221421
>>221415Sounds somewhat relatable. I'm currently struggling my way through a degree myself, 10 semesters into a 7 semester degree with at least 3 more to go. Most semesters I will only pretend to attend classes and take the exams to keep my folks happy. I don't care much for my major (CS) and honestly kind of miss the times when I was just stocking shelves at the supermarket at night. That work was tiring but simple and there was an honesty about it that I miss in my current bs student job I have to do on the side to keep my head above water financially. I've told my parents many times that I want to quit and go into the trades or whatever else, to no avail. They don't have the financial control over me that yours do but I am existentially dependent on them all the same for housing and food. I honestly don't know what to tell you. I keep inching forward and might make it still but I might just as well have screwed up massively in my understanding of the studying guidelines (waiting too long to take exams will eventually auto-fail you which means you're out) and get kicked out before that happens. I don't know. I think people like us are just cursed to keep wandering in a path laid out before us without knowing why, longingly seeking another way somewhere else.
No.221422
>>221421Very relatable wiz. I expect I'll end up white knuckling through 4 years of school and then getting whatever job after
No.221423
>>221422Just out of curiosity, what major are you enrolled in?
No.221424
>>221423Undecided but considering EE, CS, or business
No.221426
>>221422hope you realise that it is far from a guarantee that getting a degree will lead to a job
No.221452
>>221426yeah. Imagine actually remembering anything you learning for more than a few months until after it starts feeling like you didnt even do anything in the last three years and you are completely unemployable compared to the ridiculous people (literally everyone else in the classes I go to) that are genuine geniuses. Well I guess its not as bad as that but I still have a very bad feeling. I am very fearful when it comes to writing my bachelor thesis when I finally get around to finishing all my courses in a year or so. What should I even write it about? HOW THE FUCK am I supposed to replicate all those mathematical proofs I didnt understand in numerics for beginners about the heckin error of polynom interpolations and whatnot and the theorems I dont remember the name of. the first semester I was still 20yo and now Im 22 and I feel like I cant force myself anymore to do all nighters studying all this shit two or three days before the exams for the first time and then getting mediocre grades for all my efforts. the first semester I was still trying harder than I "needed" so I was getting good grades but afterwards it started getting worse and worse and now Im here, fucked up applying to the courses for this semester in time that I had to take and had to stick with less than I needed and taking even a few per semester is already so fucking hard.
No.221453
>>221452Would strongly advise against all nighters. I feel similarly to you (insecurity about being retarded compared to all the other people around me) but for me I just have to accept that I'm not a hard working person at all. If 30min or 1h is all I can muster for a course on any given day it has to be enough. Sacrificing your sleep will just start a negative downward spiral as your capacity to focus deteriorates and your negative emotions become stronger.
No.221457
Wizards are the byproduct of bad parenting and the sooner society realizes this the sooner we can actually fix young men en masse.
No.221514
It's crazy how relatable it is. Last time I've been happy or at least looking forward to something was like 13, 14? 15 at max? After that I just knew that objectively nothing good is on the horizon. I had little idea what to major at, still no clue. Did my best trying to pick somethihg and do anything, still failed. No I just engage in escapism I don't even enjoy waiting for a miracle or death. It's insane how over it all is.