/dep/ - Depression

>be me
>feeling like shit for the entire day
>coming back from neurologist
>mom starts talking with an acquaintance we runned into
>as we start walking again, she gets about to start talking from where she knows the acquaintance
>I say I don't care and make a gesture of "stop" with my hands
>she gets mad and stop talking to me
It's already been 3 hours. I can't stand her anymore, I think I will go crazy.

>>311414
Your mom cares enough about you to spend her days walking you around to doctors to try to help you, and you tell her to shut up when she makes small talk… You sound like a neurotic little twat, to be honest.
>she gets mad and stop talking to me
Keep acting like that and eventually she'll get made and stop financially supporting you.

>>311415
>Your mom cares enough about you
The thing is, she can't make up for making me fucked up mentally and physically just by giving me the double amount of attention, love, or any other thing which an average son would normally receive, it's not how it works and it makes me mad that she probably will never understand this.

She also failed me in my upbringing and I have to pay the price for this by waking up sad because of my body for the rest of my life, until the day I die. And I can't even complain about what I'm talking here with her because I would feel pathetic doing so.

Don't get me wrong, I love her, but whenever a situation leads me to reflect about these matters, I start boiling with hate. I tried to start a conversation with her afterwards, out of guilt, but she didn't engage on it.
>she'll get made and stop financially supporting you
I can't live for myself but I'm too functional to get neetbux where I live. If she kicks me out, it will be the same as pushing me towards my death.

>>311417
>The thing is, she can't make up for making me fucked up mentally and physically just by giving me the double amount of attention, love, or any other thing which an average son would normally receive, it's not how it works and it makes me mad that she probably will never understand this.
I doubt there's a mother alive who understands this, probably one of the blind spots of being a mother

Everyone's just going to tell you she did the best she could which might even be true

>>311419
>I doubt there's a mother alive who understands this
And you're probably right. Well, at least I can vent about it and be honest with my feelings in the internet.

>I don't have trauma
>Despite all that however, I simply don't have any will to improve the parts of my life I'm unhappy with


you have trauma
probably "bossed around" by your parents.

>>311407
If a man says he has no trauma, then he has no trauma. Stop paledragging.

>>311407
I dunno, I wouldn't say my mom was bossy. She always tried to get me interested in things and wanted me to do what I wanted. My dad would get black out drunk every day and my mom got a divorce when I was really young. She got remarried but then the step-dad died when I was 13.

i've just accepted it over the years. there's just some things my body refuses to do and don't do them, despite the consequences and regret. i don't think i've ever managed to force myself to do something in the long-term, it just doesn't work. so i started doing the opposite, only doing things that i actually want to do, where i'm aligned, where the activity energizes me instead of tiring me, and i double down, triple down on it. i imagine there is some wisdom in the body that stops me from doing things that seem rational and wise on the surface. socializing, having sex, wageslaving - they're all evil and some part of me just refuses to participate. i don't know why, but i just blindly trust it now. maybe god has a specific path for me carved out and it's my job to find it. it's like a game of hot-and-cold but the signals are your emotions, so if you feel bad, if you don't feel like doing it, that's a signal that it's the wrong path. if it feels good, life-affirming, then it's a step in the right direction.

god or faith or ??? doesn't want you to learn how to drive. it wants to keep you in solitude because whatever you need to develop isn't going to come from other people. "self-improvement" often presupposes that certain things are good for everyone, that you ought to do them, but if a part of you firmly refuses it, then it's not for you, go around it somehow.

Practically speaking you don't end up on here unless there's something seriously "wrong" with you.

>>311300
I'm grateful for the advice, but I think I'd be able to play games just by using a console since it would allow me to stay away from the screen. I still miss using the internet on a proper pc, though.
If I somehow manage to convince my mother that I'm an irreparable failure to let me NEET, I think I will buy a console and live for a few more years while I enjoy playing some vidya, but she hardly would accept that. By the way, the reason why I still didn't buy a console is because I earn little and put all my money on bitcoin.

>>311302
> I earn little
Ask your mother for more money

>>311299
>chronical neuropathic pain doesn't let me use computers

a laptop + a fan stand for the laptop in question = lying down with a computer is cozy now.
>can't eat veggies or fruits because of autism, so shit health

use juicer to make juice, add some spice of your choice (say, cinnamon) to make the taste understandable

>flat-foot

shit m8. same AND tall hence can't walk or run without special soles in my shoes

>failed to beat insomnia, tired every day


"Upgrade your sleeping station" I guess…


OK, so, I am going to spill some *seemingly offtopic* idea: try optimizing your sleeping station.
Reasoning is that… so you *could* - *probably*, at least - get higher quality sleep, by not aching while sleeping.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

didn't do it this month despite coming close
when will I be gone already fuck

>>311303
I didn't think straight in my previous post. Now I remember that the reason why I invested the money instead of using it to buy something I want was because I have always been failing with my convictions. If I were sure I would manage to kill myself by the end of the year then there would be no reasons to save money, but if I retreated and ended up living more years then sacrificing pleasure in the present to be in better conditions in the future would be wiser. I also didn't consider the possibility of buying a jailbroken console, nor did I know how simple SN death was back then.
>>311309
>lying down with a computer
Honestly, I don't see how that would stop what triggers my migraines :/. I think the strain over my eyes would still be pretty much the same. I thought about buying an eye-care monitor in the beginning of the year but I didn't want to risk losing the money.
>juice
Only the smell of a juice is already enough to make me nauseous. I will throw up if I force myself to drink one, I know because I have already tried before.
>same
I feel you, it sucks to have to walk like a duck, haha.
>by not aching while sleeping
Thanks to the meds, now I only feel pain in my sleep if I lay down in the wrong position. Most of the time, if I'm not tiring my eyes too much, hunger or exhausted, I just feel a slight steady pressure in the sides of my head (I'm feeling it right now).
My bed and sheets are pretty comfortable, my brain is the guilty and I will probably need meds. I'm already dependent on melatonin but it didn't fix the problem, only made me able to at least stop spending days without being able to get any sleep at all.
>My back finally stpped aching
I'm glad for you, wizzie.
>AC
It makes my throat dry and then wakes me up, I only use it when the weather is hot as fuck.
>Get a set of disposeable nose expanders to see if your sleep improves
I will try. I have already done a polysomnography before, I don't remember well right now what was written in the results but I think it talked about somethingPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>311045
This nigga be taking ashwagandha and lion's mane next lol

>>311047
Lion's mane made me feel better, as if my brain was getting a tiny bit more power. Amanita gave me terrors beyond any description. Horrible shroom

being overweight has ruined my life

>>311191
i lost weight and my life still sucks. why did it ruin your life?

>>311193
i literally can’t access the second floor of my house, whenever i try to go up the stairs my weight causes me to crash through the floor. of course a big hole was carved into the steps so there isn’t even a route now.

i regreted my post with this draw in it in other thread.

i think i will quit drawing in this thread for now. it is too much of me i think.

>>311399
if you post a lot that means you're very big sad almost often

>>310954
Lol my store recently announced a total cell phone ban, yet when I obey and check it after work I have like 20 missed calls from various managers. I then become exempt, and the other workers hate me for it. All because the stupid teenagers can't stop texting or using their phones during their work. Even checkout operators are scrolling their phones whilst serving customers. Total zombies.

Clear lockers are insanity, possibly illegal? Either way they like pushing the boundary. Our staff bathrooms once had digital keypad entry into the toilets and we have to clock out for our poop breaks, capped at 5 minutes a time and I believe it was 20 minutes a week. Luckily we have some equally crazy and loud union people who manage to somewhat keep a lid on it all.

How were you planning to tell the guy to shut up? I really need help on that

you sound as bad as the people wroking with you

>>310618
>10 years
>retail
Can I have the link? I want to do it too.

>>310618
That's the problem with being a lifer

>>310643
I'm kinda like you. I'm the guy that does everything but they let me skip cashier as I majorly fuck that up. Really not a role I like. Hope you can hang in there man, sounds like a nightmare lol. I hate stupid boomers who don't listen, I get this at work a lot. "After 9PM we don't sell alcohol" comes on the speakers, the boomer says he doesn't want any, I say that's fine. He yells at me telling me to shut that damn speaker off then! LOL. Many of them do this, and they can't read signs they are mega retards.

>>310962
>>310968
No idea what you guys mean. It's just the best job I could realistically get, plus I'm settled in now. I'd hate working at a new place

I only slept for 2 hours last night after I abused adderall all day yesterday. About to still take more today though. This shit is the only thing that makes me feel alive anymore #FukkMyLife

>>309207
what drugs make you super horny?

>>311376
White strain kratom did it for me. I was mezmerized by the very concept of cunny. And I didn't even want to jerk off. I could just stare for hours are pretty fictional succubi admiring them.

>>311373
Is it worth it? I known a dealer who sells them for like 10 tablets/50$ but I am hesitant whether it is a worthy thing to invest such a cosmic sum of dough for a poor retard like me.

>>311382
That depends entirely upon your personal criteria for it being worth it. 10 pills for 50$ sounds like a fucking scam unless the pills are a high dosage like 30mg each or so, but I would never recommend someone who never took stimulants before to take that much the first time. The information you provided is not enough for me to give a helpful answer, sorry wizfren.

>>311368
>shared misery is halfed misery

i don't know understand why people say this. this is completely false. sharing misery multiplies the misery. before was one miserable person, after the sharing it is two miserable people. it is like an infectious disease.

>>311387
>share in their experience and realize im not alone in the way im feeling

i'm sorry this makes no sense to me whatsoever. how can you not know that there is misery. i guess you are the kind of person who has to asks others how they are doing because you genuinely can't tell by their aura.

>>311374
>thank god at my job its just me alone at a front desk on the top floor of an empty office building overnight
What kind of job is that?

>>311393
Sounds like security guard

religion makes a lot more sense and actually came full circle and became a source of inspiration again, once I realized Yahweh is the villain

>>309523
I personally didn't really care to post in this thread or enter into this discussion much, but I will say that the quote you've posted sums up (mostly) my thoughts on the existence and misguided worship of God.

>>306449
Religion ruined my life. I've been surrounded by insane religious people and new age retards all my life

My little cousin would maybe be a bit sad. Parents would pretend to be sad about it then stop caring after a bit. Outside of that, no one would care.

>>303825
only my aunt and my dad. after they pass away, all bets are off

>>305962
>my life was like a game of running away from gross people
I relate to this very much. My parents allowed one of my older brothers to sexually and physically abuse me every day throughout my childhood. The best feeling ever was cutting them off. Even though I’m homeless, atleast I have a job, and I never have to talk to them ever again. I feel better, and being homeless isn’t even 10% as bad as people say, but I’m still sodapressed.

>>303825
So, I think I know what would happen should I untimely perish.

They would hold onto my things as some dusty memorabilia, get their apartment all wrecked and end up in the kind of a nuthouse old mad people aren't expected to ever leave…

Only my mom, and basically that's the only thing keeping me from doing it. Besides, my parents are old (both 74+) and they likely die if I wasn't here, they're stuck up in the past (specially my boomer dad) and cannot manage in the current world. They're partially the source of my depression so this creates a vicious cycle. My mom is also deluded into thinking I'll "be happy" and "make it" someday (I'm 38).

I wish they died so I can finally rope without guilt but it seems like they'll live up to their 90s (my grandma died at 95). I guess I'll end having a collapse and killing myself anyways, I can't take this anymore and the idea of this loop continuing for years is destroying me