/dep/ - Depression

>>311060
Yeah that's the talent I am talking about. Some people just happen to have the autistic obsession to do something all day without caring about other people or they're positive enough to not get discouraged by failures and persist until they get good. It's about mindset. Some people already start with a good mindset, some can change their mindset easily and some cannot.

Heya, I don't really know how to formulate this, but it is a feeling that has been nagging and gnawing at me for quite some time and only relatively recenty I can express with words.
I was probably an intelligent child, assumed to do great things, and expected to excel. This never happened in the public school system, where I did what was needed and that is that. When we started to receive grades for our work (13 year olds in Norway), I did OK, I never worked for antyhing and it went OK-ish.
I then went to high school equivalent, from 16-18 and also did OK. I got excellent grades in maths and physics and oral exam where we studied in a group.
Any part of life, i have given to authorities, what to do, what to feel, which rendered me an insignificant person. I am really nobody. I have no drive, ambition, wish, want or anything that you would assume a person to have.
I solely e xist to please some external authority, be it a parent, a boss at a workplace or psychiatrist. No drive is internal, everything is about "pleasing" some external factor which I project good (or bad) stuff onto.

I don't really know what I want to write here, it has been nagging on me, and I want to get it out. Shout it into an informal cloud of sorts.

It is an exhausting way to live, and quite frankly, I am tired of it. It has given me next to nothing and everything carries a sense of guilt and shame, where I owe pleasure and reassurance. Something I long to receive, but nobody ever gives. While individual events can be seen as fun, anytime it brings any sort of responsibility, I shy away from it. I would rather quit and never return if I am supposed to do otherwise. Be it play any role in a game with responsibility (tank in World of Warcraft, commander in Hell Let Loose, present anything at work).
I feel nothing but shame, a constant reminder of shortcomings and I believe that ties to my "brilliance". I am expected to excel. To be great at anything, to just do the right choices. Which brings me to my next point. I was (am) always expected to choose correctly, because you choose movement, and that affect the outcome. So it was built an expectation that I chose correctly outcome.
Think of it as a chess match, where you choose movement of pieces. If you choose poorly, yo might lose a piece or the entire game. In my sake, I am judged on the outcome, rather then the movement. So a brilliant mind, a grandmaster, can do a judgement and decide movingPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>311061
i still haven't finished sicp but maybe i ought to.
>>311062
it turns out i was trying to solve the problems without reading the hidden hint boxes that make the problems dramatically easier to solve. i haven't done too bad considering.

Antinatalists in wizchan be like "Life is suffering. We need to end human existence so all suffering will end." and then you actually talk to normalfags and they hate suicide and MAID to the point of believing all MAID supporters evil and wanting to torture them. Guess the antinatalists were just suffering alone. Everybody else is fine with life. So be it then. Let trillions more humans and animals be born and let them experience all the pain they would experience. What's the point of feeling sorry for raped children or cartel torture victims and wishing for them to have never been born when they themselves would furious at you for even saying that? They want to be born. They deserve all deserve their suffering.

I really like just laying in bed or on the couch in silence. It's the best thing to do I could think of the last 15 years. I feel like there is really not much to do at all in life. They say I just lay around a lot even though I have a job
I don't know. There's not much to do I feel like. The only moment I think where a person actually is demanded to do something and carry responsibility is when you conceive a baby and become a parent. Other than that there's no duty no responsibility no need to do anything. I'm not so sure but I really don't know what else life has to offer or what the fuck people even do or what you are supposed to be doing. I feel this must be okay.

Perhaps your belief that they hate you is just a delusion. Perhaps you interpreting them treating you like an adult man as being an act of aggression is part of this delusion.

>>310999
You're walking their line between disappointment in failure and pity at helplessness.

normies aren't in control of their emotions or even thoughts. They are stupid animals who can't reason beyond social norms

>>310999
>>311000
>>311002
>>311008
Try finding a different set of "everyone" and maybe avoid looking approachable.

Regards, a person who composured his way from a conversation with some liquor-scented old succubus tonight.

>>311127
>Regards, a person who composured his way from a conversation with some liquor-scented old succubus tonight.

You didn't need to "composure" your way out of that conversation. You could have just told her she reeks like alcohol and that you don't want to converse with her. You're an adult, after all.

I tried way too hard on trying to befriend some people/normalfags I barely have anything in common with; it simply doesn't cut it. I always end up angry upon realizing they did things and weren't called out, or when I have to afford listening to their retarded normal-nigger takes, or when they try to act smug and end up looking like idiots.

They're basically behaving niggers and I'm the total opposite.

Isshin is such a badass, greatest boss battle ever. I basically became a hermit neet who scammed unemployment offices by faking send mails, i did this for 6 years until i was forced to take a job. It was actually a good thing, the hermit neet was killing my soul. I felt like the succubus of memories of matsuko where she became an old fat shutin obsessed with a japanese boyband. It's surreal. The longer you wait by not getting a job, the harder it is. Hesitation is defeat indeed.

I've been having mild hallucinations of voices and images for quite some time now. After a long time the entire hallucination shifts as you notice the patterns and notice it in real time.
The voices and images are still disgusting but you become less bothered by it.

>>311011
yea thats why i always stay jobbin never jobnt

The sense of physical disintegration is intense lately. My teeth are eroding like sandstone under acid rain. The ache in my head never goes away. I often jolt awake panicked and gasping for air. It's hard to imagine living another 30 or 40 years like this.

>>311075
It's only on Season 4 now. Hop in and say hi to the other anons.

drew in the wrong tab.
i wish i knew how to engage and upkeep friendship.
i think on all the people i came across in my attempts to learn to conversate through exposure and maybe even be interesting to people on gmod and abit elsewhere that didnt work out.
some of them thought that i was not interested in them but i'm just not able, i freeze up on them.
i'm diagnosed autistic, i did not let them know that. i've tried alot to just figure it out.
ive sat alone since i was 11, i have in the past year made 1 friend that i talk to dailey to every otherday. i value him alot. And 1 other that would talk to me meaningfully at one point but it feels very clean that i'm like the 7th friend to him now. i write out things to him sometimes on stuff i think on and seek imput but that person those not want to have conversations with me past short stuff right now, when i ask into him he peeks up but its still kept so short. they both know i am aspergers, i am happy to have them.
writing this took longer then the drawing. i hope people like them.

i'm not too proud of the drawing by the way

Phone drawing, drew in wrong thread.

Sad at a graveyard

>>310909

Weird for hoarders not to be ashamed.

>>310923

At least you're not inflicting your conditions on anyone.

>>311032
I am. My mother has to put up with it.

My mom will say she wants me to be happy but she cares more about outward display of happiness than actual internal states. Most people are probably like that.

both my parents were kinda mentally ill , but my dad was way more mentally ill.

im not gonna do a rant but my dad was a perma neet mental case who, while bein forced to be be out workin and scool, meets my mom and they had me.

dad wants to wander off. and wanders off for years.

my mom wants to be a carefree single lady so left me to rot w/ my grandparents

>>311017
This country doesn't do that. They'll take one look at my fathers history and automatically charge like 2k a month for insurance. Old people here are more retarded than the usual world population. He'll also sign up for anything. He has had a netflix subscription for 10+ years now because he wanted to watch ONE movie ONE time. He's kept it ever since and never used it again.

>>311019
There are so many shitty people who become parents, I can't stand it. Wouldn't you want to be cool with your own fucking blood? It's crazy. Even if you were a normie they would still find shit to get mad about, I'm sorry you're also going through it.

>>311059
"smile and dance, MONKEY!" is how I internalize it. Family has fights all the time but force us to post happy pictures of us.

>>311089
Sounds like a bad combo. Lots of weird men grew up in a time where they were able to get succubi pregnant and just did so because I guess it was the thing to do? Knowing full well they weren't built to have a fmaily or raise someone. I would never make children even if I could, how cruel it is to them. I must live on my own and follow my routines

>>311106
If there is some subject that youre interested in that you want to study, then yes. I think you would enjoy going to school. You might even meet people who have similar interests.

I miss school, it's the only thing I've ever been good at.

It prepares you for a life of jumping through hoops and obeying authority, yeah it's for automatons, the stress it induces is deliberate to make you submit. I also hated it, the only thing that got me through the school prison is the thought of playing games

Now games fuckin suck too, not all of them but mostly

I'm in the prep year of uni and I've already spent all of my absence rights in 4 weeks and have to repeat the year kek. Fml I'm retarded

>>311068
im 29 now, to be fair I was set it my ways since like 13

I have a 12 gauge and ammo but I am too chickenshit. Any words of encouragement so I can actually pull the trigger?

It's depressing that if I were to kill myself it wouldn't be a dramatic climax or ending to a cinematic story. No sentimental scenes witnessed by a crowd of audience who are moved into tears, discomfort or even jeering mockery. I'll just slip the noose around my neck or pop a pill and the story just gets cut off there.

I'm tired of being unemployed, my parents are annoying and I also never go out of the house and my friends are busy with their work, for some reason when I sleep, my dreams are more real than my life or the movies I watch, for example, just now I dreamed of being a succubus in a horror movie and I was chased by two famous serial killers in the movie Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers and I was almost killed by them, I also saw in my dream people were killed and for some reason my dreams seem more real than my life every day and every day always changes, dreams are tiring, why do today's generation of children hate school even though school is where they can interact with each other and form friendships, I know my school days were bad because of bullying and I was hated and so on, but in my opinion, school is the most real thing in life, just like my dreams

is paracord a good rope for hanging? also can i have some resources on how to hang yourself properly?

Am I retarded for "brainwashing myself" into wanting to live very less years? I don't mean consuming gooning content, but rather "scientific and geopolitic" content eg; climate refugee data, incoming macroeconomic-global swayings, astronomical destructive events (eg; solar flare, etc)-and so on, etc
the counterpart is making my own life feel extremely brisk by thinking of Deep Time; cosmological, geological, Epochs of the Earth, Hominid evolution timeline, etc.

Felt that way after playing miiside or whatever it's called

It was definitely a traumatic experience like people said it would be, I didn't take it seriously

I deleted it after speedrunning the piece of shit as quickly as possible to get it over with but I felt a bit depressed after it, dunno exactly why, maybe because of the part where it makes life feel repetitive, like you're actually supposed to spend your time trying to win the approval of a psycho bitch

Why would you do that to yourself? I don't relate to those kinds of protagonists at all. At best, it's nice to see characters who were truly meant to be together end up together.

Name of the dating sim?

>>310683
EVA ayanami raising proj w/asuka. specifically getting to marriage ending. I got a lot of cute romantic events on the way there..

>>310681
i find it easy to immerse myself

>At best, it's nice to see characters who were truly meant to be together end up together

Hate to sound like a crab but i'm sick of that. People in general sicken me so seeing them happy makes me feel like i'm not understanding something that I should. At least I dont spoil the mood with my presence or unwanted opinions but that's 3DPD

>>310684
Dear journal I have abandonned,


today, I have been struck with a reminder one's life is not much different from programming a software package. and my parents are anything but programmers

You're not going to get helium. Balloon helium, and even commercially available industrial helium is mixed with enough air and oxygen to keep you well alive. They also need a license to acquire in most places and it won't be shipped to a home address; only to a business with an adequate handling license. A slow release of gas would cause an ice buildup on the tube. You would also need a costly regulator as the minimum pressure released from a tank would blow off any tubing completely. You would need to completely seal the bag around your neck, and once you enter a hypoxic state your body will instinctively begin flailing and reaching for your head to find an obstruction (you see this with losers who film their own self-hangings). If you pass out, your body will release oxidized blood from your spleen and you'll probably still be alive for hours trapped in a danger-induced nightmare from which you can't awaken. The tanks will empty and you'll come through with serious brain damage.

You're welcome. I know you weren't really planning on killing yourself (because if you were you would just jump in a pool with rocks in your pockets) but it's important to debunk these bullshit infographics that creeps online use to troll depressed people in to thinking there's a suicide method that's somehow easy and not terror-inducing.

If you want to die, build a charcoal gasifier and don't ignite the gas. It produces pure carbon monoxide. Will kill you easily. One breath from the pipe and you're dead.

>>311084
What about N2? Thats been documented as working and is recommended in the peaceful pill handbook.
(I dont recommend this method anyways op if you want to do it just blow your brains out (but dont do that because suicide is retarded IMHO))

>>309028
there is no desire. society judges your complaints as either valid or not. you are not a victim if you're a wizard. you are a victim if you're brown or female. that's all.

>>309028
it's a self-defense mechanism. by self-victimize yourself, you're telling someone you are weak and not worth being the targets of bad things they want to do to you. it also comes from fear

>>309015
It's "honest" (in brackets).
You can say to someone who doesn't mean to bully you it hurts already hoping civilized people to back off before some kind of a treatening to sue over moral damages arises. Soyboys are especially good at that.

Unfortunately, it does not *deter* bullies. If you are some kind of manipulator who collects evidence for possible lawsuits, you're golden, and so is your lawyer. If you're honestly asking to leave you alone with this victimization of yourself, you're in the wrong… spot.

>>309030
>>309029
self-victimisation is nonsense

>>309026
>everything from the TV to the tiktoks are signaling that you should do it
EFFING SWITCH CHANNELS!!!

And I mean it.
Delete your old accounts. Start some new accounts. Subscribe to channels that either teach you stuff, OR AT LEAST cover some tricks done by humans (say, ElectroBoom).


Subscribe to Vimeo as it seems to not throw "THE [media persona] IS FINISHED! 2026!" stuff into your "you may also like" feed.

Or rather, fight tech with tech: ask LLM AI what kind of video you should watch today.