/dep/ - Depression

Post here if you don't have enough to say for a new thread, but it's too depressing for the crawl thread.

Previous:
>>306157

always no matter what happens set backs always set me back. and my goals arent that fucking unreasonable either. Change my habits, or enjoy a fucking game. and something major happens to set me back. not only am I scared to change im exausted about constantly being worried about what price im about to pay for that slight moment of enjoyment. its like the default setting for me in this life is to be miserable and useless, anything good going for me has to be double the price of bad luck to throw me back to square one. Nothing but bad luck. im just so frustrated.

I am not even that horny, a lot of the days I force my self to do it while not even being in the mood for it, it's just the most effective way for me to cope, masturbation is free, gives you instant pleasure and can burn for you many hours at the time, there are times when i find my self touching myself just so I can use it as a way to distract my self for my anxieties and negative thought loops, as soon as i start touching myself all my anxiety and negative emotions start to dissolve as much as i hate and it hate how much i overdo it, i can't deny it makes getting through my days easier when i can just touch my self for many hours instead of just sitting there being miserable feeling hollow bored to tears and empty or anxious and overthinking at worse, my point here is that I believe the addiction for me is a mere sympotom, something I use to escape my negative feelings and the emptiness of my daily life, thanks for reading my blogpost

This is the classic "Suicide General", where we discuss methods and say farewell to our fellow wizards.

Previous:
>>296511

This thread is for talking about OCD, addictions, or those kinds of disorders that ruined our lives
>So
When I was a kid, I had some pretty OCD-like behavior—I’d touch things and check them over and over until I felt reassured that everything was okay. I also used to walk on my tiptoes, which is a bit autistic, but I eventually stopped doing that (I don’t know if I have autism at this point bacause never did a test, but whatever).
>So what’s up with you?
Well, in my case is limerence (some studies say is co-related to OCD)
>And what’s that like?
Well, imagine a succubi (for some people even can be the other sex you dont like) talks to you and treats you kindly once or twice, and then you start getting way more than just nervous around her because your body starts releasing dopamine, serotonin, and all that shit. And since you don’t know what’s going on, you think you like her or have fallen in love, but its NOT.
really it’s just fucking anxiety toward a “thing.” Because you’re constantly seeking validation in some way—whether for friendship, attention, or love but you have this anxiety that you know is inappropriate, and if you act on it, the feeling of danger gets worse, it’s almost like you’re having a heart attack. and as time pass the thing got worst and worst and you get more obsessive, nerveous and get a peak of anxiety, even start to rumiate or have that thing of limerence (LO) living rent free in your head bacause your brain cant stop thinking about your LO
>What was the worst experience you've ever had?
Even you will end starting to dream with the LO and have happy dreams or nightmares and waking up crying bacause you are getting the peak of anxiety and dopamine,etc sec before waking up. this shit can even ruin friendship.
>Why the hell does this happen?
I don’t know, genetics, anxiety, depression, emotional dependency, low self-steem, negligent parents, love hungry, maybe OCD etc and a whole lot of shit
>You're larping this nonsense
but in my case, it’s not like those internet memes of bitch tumblr succubi where it only happens once and they use like a joke for love or crush
>You're a retard and you fall in love go fuk yourself wizard
No, no it’s happened to me constantly over the Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

It's Saturday night and I started taking a new antidepressant called Mirtazapine (15mg) on Thursday night.

This is my 10th or so attempt at a psychiatric medication. I've tried lots of therapy too.

Wish me luck anonymages. I was about to quit my job but watched some motivational videos on autoplay on Youtube for hours and as cheesy as it was, they convinced me to give this a go.

I didn't even get these prescribed recently. It was way back last year and then I just didn't take them because this particular medicine has a reputation for making people really fatigued.

It does put me to sleep. But, maybe that's ok. If it means I can find some happening apart from fapping and dreaming while I sleep.

Maybe it'll even help me turnaround my fortunes at work where it looks like I'm sliding towards a firing or just being unable to come in. Barely stopped myself raging at my boss the other day and took 2 weeks sick leave from stress afterwards. I need to swallow some humble pie come Monday and hopefully these pills help. Being off work for 2 weeks showed me I'm just as miserable and actually more so depressed, anxious and stressed not working despite all the antiwork slogans I collect.

Starting a new anti-suicide general as the original has been bump-locked.

Helping wizards to understand that persuasive feelings of suicide can be bested.

Further the discursive spirit of this thread will remain the same as the first: to counter the general luring tenor of sadness that defines all the other threads through sharing positive practical advice purposed to reducing suicidal behavior even when we feel most suicidal. Naturally, being that I started the topic, I will be the first to contribute.

(1) Know that I care about you guys deeply and sincerely. Call me a faggot, I don't care (many have already done this, to no worthwhile avail)
(2) Examine what you are eating. For example, gluten especially produces depressive/psychotic episodes in sensitive autistic individuals. Sugar also is not healthy for your brain. Delimiting ingestion of both is wise.
(3) Make sure you are getting sufficient sleep. Chronic sleeplessness or even a few days' worth of irregular sleep can seriously interfere with the clarity of our thinking.
(4) Clean up. Taking a warm shower and putting on fresh clean clothes always is refreshing and helps to break up darkened mental habits.
(5) Breathe fresh air. Open whichever windows punctuate your room and allow some wind to come in.
(6) Watch your breathing. When we are panicked, our breathing can become very disordered and we do not recognize the effect this has on our thinking. Take deep, purposeful breaths, and collect your thoughts.
(7) Respect yourself. You have done your best to survive in an awful world, and you should grant yourself forgiveness for any mistakes and the allowance to rest with a composed and balanced mind.

I've done my part. Anyone else?

"Hey wizanon… did you go through a similar thing?"

I will never forgive this world, my ancestors, my genes, my family, those people. I will especially, never forgive myself. My adolesence was robbed from me. I could've eaten better, I could've been stronger, I could've said no to all the evil people who abused me, humiliated me, bullied me, took advantage of me. I can pretend to be happy in moments of fantasy, but my baseline is always depression because I have been robbed so completely.

What did I do to deserve this fate? Who was I in my past life to deserve being in such a position? If I had eaten better, I could've grown to my true height. If I had said no and held steadfast, I could've fought back against them. If I had shown some semblance of courage, I could've made happy memories in my youth.

I am 23 years old. You might say that is young. But I have lost the most important years of my growth and development. I have wasted them by suffering emotionally and physically with no fault of my own. I have wasted them by letting others rob me of what I had, my dignity, my reputation, my identity, my resources. I dropped out of school with so much hope, I was truly so happy, only to suffer far more than I ever have at the hands of forces beyond my control.

No matter what I do now, as much as I would love to believe otherwise, there is absolutely nothing I could do to compensate for what I have lost. Nothing I could do replace those days. Nothing I could do to get back what I lost forever. What's been robbed was meant to be robbed permanently. I can only mourn and ache for the rest of my life, aching for the things I was supposed to have but will never get back.

Does anyone here struggle with alcohol, or have managed to quit?

It used to be a good coping mechanism for me, but it seems the older I've gotten the worse it feels, and it's become detrimental to my health and the way I behave around people. Easily annoyed, constantly starting shit, tired all the time, strange pains. And I was still getting worse, fast.

This has been a wake-up call and I'm realizing I need to quit before it's too late. Though that's easy for me to say now when I'm still feeling bad, and I fear the cravings will come back strong, but I know I've got to try.

Curious to hear others experience with this.

I've seen this discussed in many threads so I made a thread for it. Many wizzies had had their life destroyed by psychiatric medication be it SSRI's, antipsychotics, benzodiazepines or others. A psych ward stay tends to leave you worse off. Some people get abused in psychiatric institutions. Mentioning you are sad and thinking about suicide to a doctor or nurse can get you forcefully restrained and tranquilised.
I'm suicidal but I avoid any medical help precisely for this reason.