/dep/ - Depression

I can relate.

I'm exhausted of being paralyzed, that's either due for being so slack or become instantly petrified at imminent danger.

Breaking this addictive cycle is so damn hard, plus, you have to withstand your peers actually arousing to action and surpass you in every way while life goes on. It's tiresome.

>>306972
I have already went to a uni, but if I were to unfairly judge your comment, even though you gave me a fairly good advice, I would say you don't live in third world. While certainly your advice has a lot of merit as people who I studied with are doing relatively better in their lives.
>>306993
Absolutely but I feel like what good was the uni that I went to or what good were the actions I took if I had to end up unemployed where every day is the same except the disrespect and disdain towards someone like me goes up.

>>306965
You're absolutely right it's mostly because I am weak to be honest with you, but I don't feel like I deserve it but more like I bought it upon myself, now here's the thing I can't really do the opposite because I am dependent upon them for food and shelter. Honestly, yes, in some ways I do believe that they do share some responsibility for me, but then again I am also an odd one out and I also want to move out, which I am trying to if I am being honest, but yes, I should work on not feeling guilty.

I will say this, I really really hate my parents, I actually hope they die as soon as possible, the bitch mother, the absolute deadbeat son of a bitch father who is so retarded that he belives changing engine oil is a scam and just doesn't do it. And I live in a po motherfucking shithole like India. While people outside mostly hate us for other problems like shitting on streets and my ugly looks. There are other problems with this society that sadly outsiders do not know about that truly make life miserable. Things that you don't associate with India like draconian control of Indian Government over the citizens, the absolute anti-meritocratic behaviour.

Making it illegal for parents to abandon their daughter but legal to kick their sons out but illegal for sons to not provide for their parents. Sons of bitches. Things like mob lynching when a succubus complains about harassment. Things like, and this a real thing "legal terrorism" with trials going on for over a decade where you loose your job and dignity and is worse than prision cause you're always living in fear. Things like if you get into a fender bender with a bitch and she goes to the police and says that the other guy was harassing her and then asking the guy for settlement and worse then ruining thr guys life by having him beaten by police which is the norm here. Or feminist types intentionally filing fake cases which India takes very seriously.

Cause because of our global reputation and how we are exactly opposite of Russians who believe in their culture that "One shouldn't air dirty laundry out in the open". We believe the exact opposite, a bitch is raped (fake) and it is international news cause people protest so much. Not focusing on real problems that India has. Things like being killed by stray dogs we have hundreds of millions of stray dogs and our vaccines do not work.

Things like parents kicking their children out and then filing a case of theft of clothes on the kids and then getting them beaten by police. Things like homeless people getting their arms chopped off for something we call "pity factor" to make them beg. These kind of things never make the news.

And of course I am an adult male living with parents so fault is mine. Fault is mine that I wasn't good at studies. Fault is mine for not being able to learn. And since my benevolent parents are keeping me with them, they must be really nice people, and I should shut up and let them rape the absoluPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>307365
One of my biggest fears is after I kill myself I end up reincarnating in India as a fully self-aware conscious being like I am right now but still powerless to escape. It seems like every evil, ugliness and injustice of this world is 1000 times more pronounced in India. If I was in your situation, I would be speedrunning to suicide, but I don't know what kind of vindictive being rules this world, I am deeply afraid that "he" won't like how I died or that I cheated and escaped suffering and that he will just decide to throw me in again with even worse circumstances. Being reborn as an animal wouldn't be so bad, they suffer but they are also limited in consciousness. The human still has the highest potential ceiling for suffering and it is perhaps no accident that the most souls brought into this world are born in such hellscapes.

People interchange surviving and living. The most of the time you think you are surviving you are actually just living. Surviving only takes a small part in life. And that is the problem and curse that we don't see that.

>>307345
just buy another one when it dies duh

>>307345
>Thinking about how the final reward of a life well lived is non-existence

no? it is effortlessness. it is lack of aches and pain, ease of joy and dance, reliability amidst degenerady, reason surrounded by desparation.

>>307345
If you subscribe to Egyptian mythology then your cat will accompany you forever provided you give him/her a proper burial and send off.

>>307271
UPD
PC still doesnt boot properly. PSU works and powers up everything, fans are spinning, consistent red cpu and dram orange lights on mobo and nothing from buzzer. It only boots somewhat reliably if I turn PSU off for a few hours. Tried reseating RAM and shorting cmos a few times, even removing GPU but the problem still persists. And of course when it boots it works perfectly fine.

>>307345
You might die before him. Never say it's too late before it's too late.

>>307224
good call, even if the problem isn't some crackhead attempting to maim you because you caught him stealing a piece of gum, the boredom will. no joke

>Every 10 minutes feels like an hour.

no joke, this would drive you to insanity or at least it has been with me, to the point i just fantasize slitting my throat in front of the workplace or for your case, your local hobo would lovingly do it for you.

hope you find a new job sooner or later wizard

>>306528
I remember you. At least you recognise it for what it is. Just soul crushing tedium. Being deceived that it has any purpose or meaning in this society is a pathetic state.

For the first time in my life I have to deal with 'business' people. Corporate drones, office types, career succubi. I am terrified. I feel 'uncanny valley' when I watch them interact with each other. And when I realize people like this rule the world, it's state makes perfect sense.

>>307367
These people don't simply rule the world, the world was tailor-made for their existence

>>307368
Exactly. The fact that this is the default for human and I am just a… I don't even know what I am in comparison. I feel sickened. At least it is not a full-time office hell but a side job from home.

>>307339
>could these be related?
A lot of old ceremonial magicians in books to post-modern ones have a motif into sex or fap.
Papus says 50 days of no-sexual activity no-fap for initiation into magic
Crowley in some way say the same
RAW say 50 days of nofap no sex
Other old ones say 45 days or similar
I dont know but from papus to today anyone of these guys actually never relate nofap or nosex activity to some form of vitalistic force or something, papus and later oned were kinda empirical maybe. Not like the chinese or some new age meme common schizo says myth around nofap.
You can try, in a way 50 days of nofap is a entry to magic in some old text (papus, crowley, etc) maybe related to discipline
For RAW was a… i dont know, a magic secret or something.

>>307343
sometimes i wonder about the power of it- is it from the retention itself (like chi or life force) or is it more of the act of discipline, like training yourself to hold your breath, you become more efficient at using oxygen in your body, you train past the pain (with sex the 'pain' would be that 'itch' drive force that produces urges etc)

Curious how practicitoners here utilize the practice. Do you have any conscious practice around it?

Doing some self-examination here… obviously i'm giving myself signs to quit and give myself a break at the very least to reset my libido… my spirituality has been really out of touch for months

>>307344
I don't believe in chi or vitalistic ideas and all that stuff because I experiment with what I believe maybe and it seems to be hypnosis, beliefs, and mild altered states of consciousness.
Kinda materialistic approach if you see it like that way.
Maybe nofap, abstinence, and holding back make you more susceptible to suggestions/hypnosis.
Or maybe it opens you up to some kind of magic, I don't know, I have no idea.
Maybe it change something in your head, neurochemicals, i dont know, or maybe its just for discipline or sex control.
>Also
Right now I'm trying the 50-day challenge just to see what it's like. I did it last year, but I never actually had orgasms I just fapped without it. Basically, I was just “gooning” (I think Genesis P-Orridge recommended this method in one of his books or something lol), although there are several authors who replace the no fap no sex with something else that's just as bizarre in its own right related to sexual activity.
I dont know Wizard.

>>307362
that sounds like the eroto-comatose lucidity technique
how long were your sessions and did you reach an altered state of consciousness with them?

>>307363
>that sounds like the eroto-comatose lucidity technique
No, the gooning tech like p o-rridge maybe suggested is just fap without orgasm climax for 50 days or more.
The eroto-comosatose was more into total stimuly of all the senses, never tried it. But i remember reading somewhere that use abstinense to enchance pleasure sense.
>how long were your sessions and did you reach an altered state of consciousness with them?
I know its not the topic of the answer but sometimes i got a lot of focus and visualization just by focusing and feign having sex in my head in my bed. It even enchanced orgasm feeling so maybe the thing of visualization and acting was into it.
In a way is like playing before sex for succubus maybe. The focus exchance the orgasm and pleasure maybe.
In the Tibet the buddhist do something similar but with deities and visual power.

>>307314
>DSM
Lol you really pulling out the DSM here as the book of truth?

You know they update that book regularly and porn addiction could just not be studied enough to have clinically verified definitions….

but dude, here we can discuss from personal experience subjective experience which you can't argue against.

proper "addiction" or not, it's just semantics and doesn't really matter. If they feel addicted you know what they fucking mean so don't be so dense

>>306545
>gooning
take that zoomer lingo out of here!

>>306545
You've reflected on this at least. Most normans just default to "NOTHING WRONG WITH IT!! IT'S HEALTHY ACTUALLY!!" in defense. In reality, it is a very potent coping mechanism for most of us. We're animals that have a biological imperative to procreate, rubbing one out helps calm down the lizard brain. Even if you are a wizard and have no interest in succubi, those urges are still going to arise until your libido naturally fades with age. I don't think there's anything particularly shameful of taking care of it and going on about your day. If it's what you need to do until you can figure out a long term solution for your anxiety, go for it I say. Some might want to do it less for various reasons and that's fine too. I'm in my late 20s and noticed that the drive has lessened a lot for me, perhaps mainly because the negative feelings (anxiety, frustration, boredom) like those you describe have also sort of faded as I got older.

I'm a wizard in the first place because I'm not interested in anything sexually except inflation. I don't understand how my brain got attached to it, but here we are. I was into that stuff since I was five, but back then it was more fascinating than anything.
Anyway, I definitely don't relate to other people who have this "slippery slope" of being interested in progressively more deprived kinks. In my entire life, I never jerked off to anything but inflation. Regular porn scenes do nothing for me. 2D stuff is also uninteresting.
I wish my brain was normal, but then again, I'm glad I'm that way in some ways. I just have a laser focus for one thing and one thing only, and it's something one and done for me. I don't goon for hours or do search something shameful because I only care about my kink. I'm autistic in that regard. You can show me the best hentai there is and I'll just shrug and go back to my DA tier shit.

As an efilist this is something I'm extremely concerned with, the idea that consciousness will continue indefinitely and will reappear in some worse condition than it was before dying.

>>307310
Lol Imendhem is being reposted again on here after ages

As I'm nearing the end, I've noticed some things about suicide. After a certain point everything gets inverted, you're only obsessing about death instead of the usual survival. There is nothing or an afterlife, in both cases you are not here, it's a win-win situation. SI isn't a physical response, it's your mind. It tries to convince you you want to stay alive while you don't. There is absolutely no one to discuss your suicide with unless you want to go to psych ward.

>>307310
i thought we all knew already that consciousness is eternal

>>307351
If all life ceased to exist also consciousness would cease to exist, it needs a body to exist

>>305499
Any authentically calm space will do. You don't always need to be on the floor to meditate, you know.

>>306619
Being outside is excellent for meditation. I actually like to vary my spots. What is your favorite?

WAVING GOODBYE WAVING GOODBYE WAVING GOODBYE WAVING GOODBYE WAVING GOODBYE WAVING GOODBYE

WITH SOARING EYES

>>306994
under large remote trees is a spot i enjoy for meditating.

its not that bad. i only ever lurked here so im not totally sure what wiz attitudes towards substances are. why not try lsd and meditate on your experiences? read into buddhist practices and be cool.

if it's not working, then just stop trying, wiz. are there any areas of your life where things actually do go smoothly and feel effortless? put your energy towards these things, double down on them, even if your parents/society thinks it's lame or bad for you. you can't succeed the way they're telling you to, you have to find your own path. don't worry about how it's going to make you money or earn you normalfag respect, if you put in consistent time/effort into these things, not only will it feel rewarding, you'll be better off in the long-term anyway than succeeding in what others tell you to.

>>307299
I tried to find it but it always ends up in a situation its hard to recover from. maybe im just not ment to do anything

Same. In fact it's worse for me, as my life has been fucked by very unlikely coincidences several times now. Maybe I am jinxed or something.

>>307299
this is good advice

the first part is to highlight the stop trying part. Not that this is the final step, but it's the first step to finally relaxing and then figuring out what you actually wanna do

(A) It sounds like changing habits is really difficult for you right now (what habits/ what are you replacin with?)

(B) And also enjoying a game sounds difficult because you're probably feeling too guilty or stressed because of (A)…. "Losers don't get to enjoy things"



Try just lowering the bar until you can do (A) and (B). Can you…. make your bed first thing in the morning, and allow yourself to enjoy something? YOu can start small. Try *ENJOYING* some food or drink consciously as a reward for doing (A), and slowly retrain your brain that (A) -> (B) is okay, allowed, and you deserve it even if (A) wasn't perfect every time

>>307294
>my goals

just you having goals makes you a winner in my book. do describe your goal setting mechanism/logic/system/habit/approach please because both for personal selfish interest of me potentially learning something new (i love talking about this and i never find anyone) AND also for your benefit because i did learn a few things about this.

i repeat just you having goals is what separates you from the eggs you believe belong to i say!

I don't know. I have been thinking there is something in those anime where an underdog idol or sports team reach the show climax of surpassing expectations and achieving their dreams. There is a catharsis in there even if the viewers don't care about idols, sports, revenge or whatever macguffin the show is about. Come to think of it, all catharsis stories are the same. It's people achieving things they want. Maybe it's really that simple. Feeling good is just wanting something and then getting it with perhaps some reasonable challenges overcome.

>>307315
I think it's a sign that you must move on in your life and take some responsabilities.

I think I played that game, but for whatever reason, I never thought about how external circumstances could be different, it was always me that was different. My particular fantasy was, and perhaps still is, one where I was completely undisturbed by the things happening around me, endlessly competent, calm, at peace. Rather than imagining myself as being accepted by others, I always imagined a state where I could simply not care and never feel shame or envy. Rather than having endless amount of money, I always imagined living a frugal life where I can escape the rat race. Rather than a sexy gf, I wanted to be a voluntary celibate that has no such needs.

You can't visualize happiness because you aren't happy, just like a blind person can't visualize sight

I guess reaching some kind of state where you have real freedom. Health allows you to use your body without troubles. Money gives freedom from basic things like shelter, being able to neet, welfare dependency and so on. Deciding what you think is real after a lot of intellectual activities gives you a certain insight in how this world works which gives a certain freedom.
Basically a happy life for me would be where I could just do what I want. (within reasonable limits ofcourse)
Anything less and i'd rather hang myself (which I actually plan on doing).

>>307270
It doesn't have to be like that wizard. The key to freedom from ocd is to stop fighting.

>>307282
>>307321
its over for me. im in outpatient treatment 5 days a week and get drunk everyday after. im paranoid and have the worst obsessive thoughts. now its time for my 3rd busch light

>>307205
>around her because your body starts releasing dopamine,

you wouldn't have that if you knew how to make yourself happy. it is you releasing the dopamine that is already in your body. if you knew how to make yourself happy, you wouldn't need the other person to be the key to unlock your happiness.

i also experienced this when i was younger because i was in school were happiness is 'treated' as a problem and you learn it is better not to be happy. this is the seed of corruption. by training you to be unhappy, you become an emotional puppet. regain your strengh man and unlock yourself through meditation.

I can never enjoy a moment to its full extent. I can never relax. I can never truly feel at rest. I have Tourettic (also known as Just Right) OCD and Pure O OCD, which are the worst kinds to have IMO. CBT doesn't work for these types. And I would rather die than get on meds. I feel like Sissyphus, I am constantly performing labor, every moment of my life. Except unlike Sissyphus I can't crush my head with the boulder. I am my slave and my master. Not even drugs relieve me from it. Sometimes it gets to a point where wearing shoes feels like torture (without any trace of hyperbole) because I sometimes get a compulsion where I need to wriggle all of my toes five times. I inherited this disorder and hypothetically if I were able to get married and have kids I may very well choose not to because I don't want people to experience this burden.
This is hell. I am so exhausted. It started when I was a kid and just rapidly accelerated from there. I didn't know that I was experiencing the last peaceful moments of my life. I never knew peace again. There is no escape aside from death.

>>307273
>I appreciate your understanding Wiz
I don't think I understand OCD. Seems like certain compulsions literally take you over from time to time. Some normie with a healthy brain would probably believe something like this isn't possible or it is exagerated. Going through bizarre mental stuff myself I am inclined to believe OCD is real.
>I can't imagine how awful that must be
I hear a voice in my head which constantly comments on my thoughts, but isn't some kind of dream or fantasy. I have zero control what it says and can't turn it off. I can interact with it like it is a different person. I can clearly sense the difference between my thoughts and these voices. Only other schizophrenics seem to understand how this ruins your life.
>there's no treatment for this other than what they offer for OCD
I don't know what they offer for OCD but antipsychotics don't cure anything, they just tranquilize your entire nervous system.