/dep/ - Depression

I hate wizards who got substantial inheritances, or lucked out otherwise while being unable to work. 99,9% of the problems related to being a wizard are related to a lack of money and the fact normies hate even employing a non-neurotypical, making life an infinite paywall torture simulator where you can only look but not touch anything.

My life would completely transform if I even had 10k dollars to my name. Yet there are wizards who inherited an expensive big house and hundreds of thousands of euros or dollars.

They cannot sympathize with someone who is in a perpetual cycle of shit tier labor->pay absolute necessities->have maybe $20 extra at the end of the month-> repeat infinitely…

Because they play life on heaven mode where everything is unlocked and stress levels go down by 99%.

I'm starting to get hints of back problems which means I should start exercising asap to strengthen my back. I've read the horror stories of back problems people share as a warning. And yet I don't do anything knowing full well I will regret it once it gets so bad I will be in constant pain and lose mobility.

Why? I'm like this with everything. I know and fear the consequences and yet I don't try to prevent them.

Turned 30 during christian holy week in a moderately conservative christian place. Lost my job after almost two years of stability, lost my rented apartment, temporarily lost my head and sobriety. Family took me back almost no questions asked as if nothing had happened last time I left. Most of my adult holy weeks have been like this. Days of heavy emotional turmoil, days of heavy substance abuse too. I never once "celebrated" holy week, I wasn't raised catholic but protestant, the type that believes in scripture alone.

Returning to this forum after not posting for many months, almost a whole year feels strange. Things have probably not changed much. It's a Succubus that got me fired in the "corporate" world. She wanted me to bow down to her because she was in a position of power. Told her to eat shit, I wasn't playing her game. When I understood she was going to get me fired I accepted it and tried taking her with me, left a huge mess in my wake and left with a decent severance payment. Been spending it on cheap liquor and cheap pills.

I used to really love this site. It was probably years of delusions and mental illness struggles, but I fancied you as my "friends" and I genuinely cared about every single one of you, I read most of your posts and took my time to reply to them. By leaving this site I hadn't realized I stopped loving the last group that made me love. The last year of isolation has really warped my mind, I stopped feeling love. Lived without my family pets and without you. I no longer feel love, I no longer cry. Just a corpse waiting for death.

I don't even know how to elaborate the sheer brutalness of life, I am so tired of being poor and be dependent upon my parents like a cuck. The state has no concept of neetbuxx. I have completed my degree, and I am sick of getting rejected from interviews, dancing all day long on LinkedIn out of the all fucking websites in the world, begging recruiter here and there. Changing my CV again and again, I do this all day, only to get an offer of a job that pays nothing, that wouldn't even qualify as stipend for internships.

Meanwhile, succubi in my college, particularly good looking succubi have no problem in life, they get paid so much, and get hired at an instant cause they look cool. They are truly untouchable. The new caste system is based upon looks and gender. With gender being the varna, and looks being your jaati. I don't usually get upset at things in life, as I have decided to not kill myself (maybe because of cowardice or simply it's rather unnatural), so the only logical conclusion is to improve the quality of my life that I am gonna live.

But today is one of those days, where you truly feel defeated and raped. It's quite remarkable how different my life is from an average bitch, who starts having sex at 15, travels the world, sleeps with whoever she wants, looks pretty, gets a job just for existing, good at socialising, sports, academics, etc. due to being in an extreme positive feedback loop. And most importantly despite of the cope that goes around in the online spaces, they are happier than the most.

Meanwhile, I have nothing, I don't care for relationships anymore cause damage is already done, but I can't even live a decent life alone and can't get a fucking job. A cunt who studied with me, got a job today for 11LPA INR (13K USD/YR) which is extremely good for India. Meanwhile, I can only get job a few job offers for (2K USD/YR), I mean what the fuck is this? Am I supposed to work 12 hours a day and six days a week for this, all while she goes around pilpuling her bosses and working for just 6 hours a day, 4 days a week?

This can't go on man, I can't live my like this, I don't know but this can't go on, this is wrong. I have legitimately not felt angry for like 3 years but today I really fucking am pissed of, my head hurts, I am just so fucking upset that I can't even cry, like what the fuck did I ever do to anyone to deserve this retarded fate.

I hate the fact that I have to put so much effort into tPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I'm doing it sort of to enjoy life in the moment outside of my ADHD vices but now what, what to think about, what to fill the empty void with do I force myself to think and be creative or do I let my thoughts flow until I find something I can do but sometimes I find myself dozing off or have some sporadic serges in my thoughts that scare me or make me feel anxious or dreadful almost makes me think there are entities trapped in my thoughts trying to scare me or something. I'm trying to break free from my ADHD not just control it I want to reshape my entire personality to the desired outcome.

Tryptophan -> inflammatory dysfunction of the conversion to serotonin -> Kynurenine -> quinolonic acid -> NMDA over-stimulation
if you can cut out the underlying inflammatory sources, the malfunction preventing tryptophan to serotonin conversion stops. IE fish oils.

Interesting stuff. Also applies to schizos since Kynurenine is thought to be a huge contributor to their illness

When I was younger, around 20-25 years old, I was highly driven, motivated, outgoing, hopeful and physically fit. I had even graduated college. Then, the year I turned 26, I destroyed my right shoulder, left leg, totaled my car, dropped out of the trade school I was in, lost my job, became an alcoholic, and was THIS close to killing myself. Obviously I didn't since I'm posting here now at 29. I even went back to school and graduated for the trade and got the "dream job." Also stopped drinking 3 months ago.

However. since that year I haven't felt that happiness I once had. All of the things I had built up for myself were taken away all at once. I used to enjoy doing multiple martial arts, running, swimming, gaming, and learning new things. I just don't get the same enjoyment or excitement out of any of that stuff anymore. I don't know what to do any more. Do I just keep living even though I hate it? Just so I don't make my mother upset that I killed myself? It's just not good any more. Hasn't been for years.

Health - undiagnosed gastrological problems, lost half my weight, couldn't breathe normally for a year, NAFLD, IBS, schizoid personality, mixed anxiety-depression, all teeth dying, always in pain or unbearable agony or feeling like i'm dying, benzo addiction, exhaustion, inability to function, move, eat, work like a normal person, heart arrythmias, breathing problems, stomach pains, teeth pain, head pain, eyesight problems, heartburn, huge scoliosis etc. etc.

Money - after making a ton of money in crypto eventually I started losing it and giving money away due to depression and suicidal ideation, so after 2 years of psychiatry and therapy i went to the best psychiatric hospital where they scammed me out of 6 figures and said they can't help me. Rest went to physicians for normal health problems, nobody really helped, they misdiagnosed me and tried to treat non-existing conditions, spent a year going from doctor to doctor for my symptoms until i ran out of money, now i'm left with infinite tax debt. Dropped out of school at 18, can't work any normal job due to physical mental social problems and inability to do simplest things, not that anyone would hire me.

Social - my family is insane and insanely stupid, they don't care and won't do anything even if you writhe in pain in front of them, or start dying in front of them. I don't speak to them since years and I would do things to them I'd rather not write about. Never had my own room, and shared a PC with 2 forever unemployed mentally ill brothers till I was 20. Never had a chance to live or function like a normal person. Never had a single relationship, a friend, never felt love in any form for anyone in my family or otherwise. I am socially at a level of a 4 year old.

Oh, I also can't do basic chores and never learned how to function like a normal human being. And I lost all my hobbies and copes since there's no point. So why am I still here, you ask? No reason, apart from my cowardice. I first thought about suicide probably 12 years ago, drowning in my bathtub. But i quickly decided it was just a fantasy and I will do it via train. Nothing's changed, only available methods are brutal and scary and i'm the biggest coward you will ever meet in the universe. But, there is no choice. Suicide started as a comforting fantasy, then a choice, and then a necessity you beg for every day. I hope I manage to die today. There is no point in doing anything or thinking about anything or feelinPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

If my problems were purely emotional I think I could cope. But I have physical flaws that make me feel like a freak and hated by anyone who isn't family. I've got Seb derm on my face, and I've seen many dermatologists and tried every over the counter treatment possible, but nothing in the long-term has helped. It looks awful and the only option I have to is to wear cover-up (though I'm a guy), but that's noticeable too. I also have head tremors that look especially odd when I walk or drive a car. And on top of that i have a stutter, which can only be hidden when i don't talk (obviously), but is quite noticeable in most conversations. These things make me terribly anxious to be around people. I've tried to come to terms with my physical flaws, but I just can't. Every time I go outside I feel like everyone's eyes are on me. I'm jealous of people whose problems are just mental.

Why are there female apologists here, on the only website dedicated to wizardly endeavors, the only place on the internet that defends and respects male celibacy of all places?

Females are the origin of all our suffering and all the suffering of the collective human race, proven by the irrefutable fact of their unique role as stinky fuck holes that shit out children for their personal selfish enjoyment, desire, status and primal urge.

To them in their self serving justification, children should be grateful, but in reality females have to carefully conceal their sadistic, uncaring and casual indifference in their role of throwing a baby into this evil society to be logs of worthless shit, helplessly abused, used up and treated like disposable trash to be thrown away once they no longer have value.

Females are the bane of all wizardly existence, the origin of all wizardly suffering, the origin and the beginning of unquenchable wizardly desires, the dawning existence of the humble unsuspecting wizkids with aspirations of deserving their fair share of basic wizlet happiness.

Wizkids are naturally pure, innocent, busy with wizardly endeavors, wand enjoyers who love to conjure magic in their rooms, some evolving into wizardly figures recognized as a lively house ornament with unending loyalty and as a silent background figure always providing company for the house occupants to stave off their feelings of loneliness, some wizzies composting and blossoming into wise loyal hermit oracles, some a cared for sheltered recluse that has invaluable wizardly virtues. Some having to partake in the dog eat dog normalfag world of cliqued up social hierarchies all orbiting around female gynocentric pussy worship. The wizkid is a rare treasure in the modern world and must be protected.

The wizkid serves as a naturally innocent benevolent force of objective moral good, the entire existence of the wizkid stands in complete contrast to the naturally wicked existence of the human female, creatures that are unashamed in their sadistic self serving primitive impulses, unashamed in their vile intentions to scheme, lie, cheat, manipulate and swindle, but are instinctually smart enough to keep it hidden deep within, but eventually the infectious bio-waste that fills their souls leaks out in subtle almost unnoticeable slip ups that stupefies you into disbelief witnessing their casual cruel intentions. Once you finally learn how to notice thPost too long. Click here to view the full text.