/dep/ - Depression

chronic alcoholics, drug addicts, homeless schizos, career criminals, neets who are one or more of this options, all mixes of these: Are they actually correct? if life is absurd and meaningless: why play by the rules? Why not maximize pleasure at the expense of everybody else?
Serious discussion here. Every day, I DESPISE more and more family men, job-havers, preachy-preachy goody two-shoes, anyone who works for stability, governance, administration and organisation of communities.

I want to start obtaining and doing benzos, Xanax and\or Clonazepam, and drinking alcohol daily all the time. I have my own apartment now but I just feel and see nihilism everywhere. I can lived without working due to investments + disability pension which is based on Real motor disability, disability Tax exemptions etc. so far I DO work and a lot, but it's for time-wasting's sake.

I really feel desperate and despondent about society, social relations, life-long projects or before-I-die bucket lists and prospects towards old age. Im a man, 29 years old. Benzos + alcohol will probably kill me if withdrawal doesn't but I've done and seen so much (bad stuff), I don't like being aware of reality any more.

I won't buy illegal drugs but I would (I hope I can stop this plan in time) lie \ fake \ fraud symptoms to my psychiatrist to obtain legal doses and prescriptions. I already used to take non-Benzo meds for 10 years, I stopped recently as I was "given the medical OK" and declared suitable for living without meds. Getting drunk is legal but only inside your house, so if I while drunk decide to leave the house, it's illegal (public disorder, threatening behaviour etc). But really in my Country you can do anything to yourself within your property.

Deep down I know this path is so wrong but I can't stop heading down it. my last rescue would be , to stop this from starting, going back to churches, talk to priest, maybe community meetings. But Im terrified of making long-lasting social relationships so I can't form part of a Community anymore. I even have almost totally stopped consuming Culture and Art (no anime, no vidya, no memes or shitposts) because that's so eminently communal and bonding, I hate national identities and housing codes, it all reinforces bonding and kinship. really,, neighbourhoods are for benefiting the community itself, it kills every Ego in a mass sacrifice.

Just curious if you are or aren't. If you are, what are you doing? How is it working? If you're not, why not?

clingy tacky
I have a shit personnality. I am clingy and tacky. people I talk to are fed up because I take their time with stupid questions or comments I make. I'm a real shit

This evening (or rather very early in the morning) I had a very (perhaps instructive, it remains to be seen) particular contrasting experience. I was as usual due, to unstability of the mind, fail to accomplish what I set upon myself earlier: that is to simply slept early rather than late. Instead, I once again fell into the same destructive behavior of putting whatever url or search terms despite not actually interested in the subject, for the unfathomable instinct to not sleep but rather do "something".

This cost me sleep time, and when I finally told myself to went to bed, I was unable to drift to the dreamworld despite thinking nothing for the better part of the half-hour. So I woke up, and then I masturbate, something clicked then, but nothing decisive. My mind continue on its chaotic state and I was still unable to sleep. Then I masturbated again an hour later. Everything is calm then, and even so until now.

Suddenly I found myself able to do things that for the last two years I can only dreamt of doing. I can sit with great calm, even my extremites aren't compelled to fidget or vibrate for the sake of movement. Its as if I'm detached from the physical body, and yet silmutaneously, for the first time in months I am in full control of my body and spirit. I can read long passages and paragraphs without feeling nauseatic. I can commit to a task such as writing this thread without diverting my focus elsewhere, nor does my mind have any compelling to do so.

There are few minutes however, when I could feel it in my head and mind that I'm slipping to my previous destructive-unfocused self. That I'm at the verge of losing control. It is terrifying, dreadful. Because I know that at the end, I will slip to that evil state that destroys me so much. This is not the first time that I had this sort of experience, everytime I managed to retain control for perhaps a few hours or even a full day. But something always broke that most graceful state, either interraction with other people or the mere impetus of the physical body, evident by the sudden nausea I that appeared when I was reading the long paragraph I a few moment prior was just comfortable with. Ultimately, the act of drifting to sleep seems to reset this control to the old cursed status quo.

At this very moment nausea is overcoming myself, and my vision felt as if it is oscilating though it doesn't. This I suspect howver, is due to the affect of sleep depriviation raPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

At least 6mg of clonazepam. At least 500g of Tramadol. One decent sized cannabis edible. 355ml 35ABV% alcohol being chased by sprite

Unlikely to kill me to be honest, desire more benzos and stronger opioid, not pussy ass Tramadol. I use for fun, life is too painful, suicide is relief. You virgins don't know what's using, you don't know what you're missing, you are completely club sheeple. Just take the pills and chase them with a shot of bombay sapphire and feel no paint.

Mom has guests over again.

Too afraid to go to the bathroom so I just had to shit in a garbage bag, then tie it up. It's under my bed right now and I'll take it out later.

Social anxiety and anti-social behavior is hell.

Does anyone else experience boredom or lack of interest so intense as to be unutterably monotonous and to cause anger and irritability?
If I drink a lot of caffeine I'm interested and able to read and listen to music but without it I'm miserably uninterested in anything
I have schizoaffective and am a NEET

I genuinely cannot see how this world could be anything but hell. It's as if everything has been finely crafted for my suffering and misery. I'm not even in an incredibly poor or war torn area, but I know that I do not, and could not ever have the means to do anything with it. If you took any random street shitter from Mumbai, they would be more capable than me. They are stronger than me, and are more fit for survival in this world than me. The same could be said of nearly any person if you were to choose someone random 1000 times. I am weak. I am hideous. I am mentally deficient. I am utterly incompetent and incapable of doing anything that could make my life better in any way. My life is just a train crash that I am forced to slowly watch while knowing there is nothing I can do but take a seat and wait for oblivion. I do not see how this could even be an accident. I got one in a couple billion shit luck, and you mean to tell me this is just the result of randomness? No, there is definitely something out there that sent me here to suffer. There's no way. I can't accept anything else.

Why did I have to be me?

No hate but unlike some wizards here I am not jaded. I want to enjoy life but my personality and brain is just complete garbage and make me unable to. I can't even improve myself because how can self-improvement come from a faulty mind?