/dep/ - Depression

geniune question, why I can't enjoy video games anymore? do you have a theory or an answer on why one stop enjoying video games?
(I don't know if it's the good board to talk about it)
I believe it must be linked to my depression

I can never connect with people there is always someone more interesting that breaks up my conversation and leaves me in the dark, whenever I say to them I am having a conversation, this was after realizing situation, the person who I initially talked to would tell me not to be rude, invite them back, and they have a conversation over me like I dont exist. Every, fucking, time. It hurts. When you are only there for temporary just because of what you offer. I used this time to reflect and realized I am the issue, but I can't help not be interesting, I can't help not expand my thoughts, I can't help but mentally go on auto pilot because my brain likes to not be there all the time. I can't help not know what to say half the time. Even autistic people online are able to have conversations and know what to say, carrying it out into long term friendships. While I drift from group to group, friends to friends, and so on.

I have a strange condition and super annoying condition where i literally, literally, literally, literally, literally cannot stop being distracted by my own thoughts, inner Voice and monologues, not Even for a minute, i cannot even focus while watching anime or cartoons with very simple plots, my eyes Would be staring at the screen but my Brain is not really there, it is Always wandering else where, i often have to repeat entrie sections in anime/cartoons/films because i keep being distracted and miss on important scenes, dialogues, details, and so on, often it feels Like a Big chore to constantly have to leave my chair to replay The thing to revisite The scenes i have "missed", let alone Read Books or watching a lecture, i just cannot Turn my Brain off, not even for a second, it causes me severe insomniac issues as well, i Can spend 12 hours in bed but only actually sleep for 5 hours max, the rest of The Time is me spent being awake and thinking endlessly About random things that don't seems to end, i been told i might have ADHD/ADD but i really cannot relate to most people with ADD/ADHD, they just seem as people with low patience, for me it's not that i get bored from Doing things or do stupid things Like not turning off my notifs, but my issue and Source of Endless distraction and concentration Issues Come from my inside.

It's insane how much of my suffering is self-inflicted by my mind.

I had almost a mental breakdown because of a fucking free2play video game I play just to pass the time. I keep playing it because I'm addicted to earning "rewards" even though what use are these rewards if I don't actually enjoy the core game? I am so used to playing it every day like a job I didn't even realize how much time I was wasting. I can spend an entire day playing that dogshit when I have, even if I am not productive, more fulfilling things to do like play well crafted singleplayer video games that are not designed to be addictive, or read a book or watch a movie…

I feel like I have barely any time despite being a NEET because I keep wasting my time like this and also browsing imageboards out of some stupid FOMO even though I know 99.9% of the time it's just shitposts. My brain is so trained to have this nonstop, nonchallenging stimulation that even reading a short article or watching a 10 minute video feels like a big task. I feel ashamed of living like this. Like these people in dystopian stories who just consume connected to some machine. I barely feel like a person because I didn't grow by facing and overcoming challenges and doing stuff by myself because I want to and not because my someone forced me to.

Every time I actually did something it wasn't that bad like I enjoyed exercising and yet I forgot it was an option and feel like all I can do is the same routine of waking up, eating pre-made food, playing the same game, browsing imageboards and then go to sleep. Like even the slightest deviation from this feels almost impossible. I actually felt proud of myself for finally playing a singleplayer game I bought on steam sale 4 years ago… that's just super sad.

My life is not suffering, it is very far from it, and I have really improved a lot this last year, to the point that I feel like a different person, however, events happened in my childhood that made me a failure. First of all, there was the divorce, I have a kind of "dissociative amnesia" or forgetfulness due to age because I don't remember, it happened when I was 4-6 years old, it wouldn't be strange at all if it weren't for the fact that it was a very scandalous one that caused a lot of domestic violence, I have no memories but my brothers confessed to me that it was torture, but this would be bad for us if I had not lost my father figure, I separated from him, especially emotionally, and I was very much in charge of my mother.

She is like an older borderline, her personality is a disaster, her emotions too, very irritable and hostile, selfish, manipulative, condescending, she had attacks of multiple things, in short she is a very disturbed succubus. She gave me a bipolar affection, her love was based on talking badly about my father and making him look like a monster and then acting as if she were my savior, there she took advantage of my vulnerability to treat me well and give me affection, but that was very far from reality because on the other hand she ignored me, abandoned me, hit me for no reason and constantly insulted me, all the time she humiliated me and lowered my self-esteem, she was controlling as well as negligent, out of nowhere her affection became cold or contemptuous. Because of that same attitude, she left me in the care of caregivers, family members and nannies who sexually abused me. Over the years I remembered them as if they were flashbacks or regressions. The memory that had the most impact was one where I was lying on my back, very small and unattended. An older succubus changed my underwear, then she groped me and then gave me a very painful anal masturbation. After that I remember more groping, stripping, excihibitions and touching my rear and anal area along with mistreatment. I don't remember exactly the identity of the succubi. who did that, I only remember that they were succubi and older than me, much older because those memories are from my old home, which was where I spent my life before I was 6 or 7 years old. I'm sorry for throwing out all this relief text, I know there are people who need more help than me, but I'm lucky and I shouldn't be sad about these things.

I have some kind of severe neurological condition i have no clear answers on and I've apparently suffered from to some degree forever, but it's gotten far worse over the past few years.

I'm completely boxed in, I'm scared of what my reality will become in a few years and I don't want to be here to find out but obviously I may not have the nerve to off myself.

I don't think whatever your circumstances may be that it's all that hopeless, I'd do anything for a functional brain at this point, Jesus christ, I bet if you cut down on screen time and jogged each day your mood would improve by 30 percent at least.

I'm fucked but I don't get that sense from most of the guys here, I see people who are unmotivated and fearful of rejection, who truly don't have any real struggle.

whats odd that while i have social anxiety surrounding all social situations in general, it seems that it gets worse around people i personally know or have to interact with more often. like i can tell strangers on chatrooms like omegle my life story or my most embarassing mistakes or secrets and not care much but i cant tell anything to people i wanna be friends with or people i know. like the strnager im talking to wouldnt care about me or probably wont remember or any of the shit i said to them and they wouldnt really tell others my most personal info coz im nothing but a stranger to them as well so it wouldnt be of worth. im most scared of being judged by people i know. anyone relate and does anyone know what could be the reason behind this?

I am here because I need advice from people older than me. I'm a 21 year old Mexican guy who only has 4 friends and has never had a girlfriend (like probably most people here). I make $100 a week so I barely make enough for anything, I hate my job and I have a hard time finding a job because I have rotacism. I have identity crisis as I like to create fake profiles everyday on shitbook but within hours of creating them I delete them. I masturbate frequently and I don't know what to do with my life. I would like to get feedback from you if possible.

Thanks a lot for reading
PS: I don't know English very well so I apologize if the text is confusing.

Living with parents right now. They were the one that plunged me into the pits of hell in the first place by interfering with my projects, aspirations, friendship, routines, etc (I already forgotten so much and trying to remember just makes my head hurt and wanna cry). I should've had finished college in time if not for their interference, now that I've graduated and lived with my parents, I simply can't structured my mind just to write a CV, I know this sounds faggy as fuck, but I simply doesn't feel at home here. Just did the "talk" with them and I feel I just wanted to end it all. I really need to gtfo away from them, but that requires me getting a job; which I can't bring myself to while still living with them. Not really asking for advice, simply need to write this somewhere to vent and keep myself from revenge hero'ing against my parents and sister.

Wiz was a mute all through school and made no friends because of his face

Wiz was depressed most of his life, never having the opportunity to live like the rest or be accepted by other humans

Wiz was bullied and rejected for his looks and developed depression

Wiz liked videogames because it did not involve other people who judged him and made him feel miserable

Wiz liked videogames so much that he created a youtube channel dedicated to it

Wiz youtube channel dedicated to videogames was a success(1 million subscribers)

but Wiz never showed his face

Wiz have no need to, Wiz was funny and people liked him

then one day

Wiz did a face reveal

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