/wiz/ - Wizardry

git gud at daydreaming and escaping into fantasy. create a tulpa and get attached to her. play around with imagery until you can spontaneously initiate any emotional state and experience vivid sensations at will. at some point you'll stop caring about the "real" world and just spend all your time in your inner playground. be warned that it doesn't look pretty from the outside, you will stop caring about even the little things like showering and keeping up appearances since all your rewards come from within yourself.

>>223088
I've read those already, but thanks man.
>>223089
Could work maybe, but I suppose some part of me still wants to at least "try" to make it while not feeling bad when I most likely end up failing.

>>223082
Three words
"Hold your cross"

Then said Jesus unto his disciples, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me.
Matthew 16:24

>>223092
Religiosity always seemed desirable to me, but I just can't get myself to believe in it. But I get that the feeling of knowing you'll be alright would be invaluable.

>>223092
The symbol of Jesus with the cross is not a symbol of renunciation but rather acceptance and the welcoming of ones suffering with open arms.

>>223090
>I've read those already, but thanks man.
Why do you keep asking then? you don't agree with it?

>>223097
Yeah it's kinda hard to just spontaneously believe it in a vacuum sometimes. I would really suggest going to a religious service of whatever faith you're interested in. Today is Holy Thursday. I went to church tonight where there was the typical mass ceremony, but afterwards we walked down the streets behind the priest holding the cross and into another church down the street. It was lit with candles inside. There was silent meditation and gentle singing. Sitting in a candlelit church listening to soulful music at night is really just a beautiful way to spend time. I hope you find something like that if you're open to it. It kinda grows on you over time, like anything else.

>>223104
It's not that I don't agree with it, I just can't manage to control how I feel. You could compare it to someone with a phobia for example, logically they might know their phobia makes no sense but they can't control how they feel. Not saying I'm giving up trying my best to internalize those writings though, but I'm not there yet.
>>223106
Would you say the ritualistic kind of meditation in church would be useful even if you didn't believe?

>>223082
I relate, wish i could spend most my days (at least 16 hours) sleeping, imagine how cool that would be, the days would pass so quickly, not to mention the dreams, i love dreams, even though i rarely get them sadly, they take you to other realms, i envy cats

>>223112
I don't know anything about phobias because I've never had one. But I still want to share my interpretation of Stoicism because it has been useful to me.
The way you control emotions in Stoicism is through the reasons you have for feeling that way. I believe the emotions we feel are decisions made through reasoning.
So, whenever I feel an emotion I don't like, I think about the reasons I have to feel it. I try to change that reasoning by proving it wrong and comparing it with the Stoic principle that suffering over things you can't control is pointless.
I hope this works for you too—and for any other anon who is reading this.

>>223162

One life philosophy will never fit every person. I think your basic premise that emotions are based around reason alone wont really fit with the reality most people live.
You can definitely pick apart why you feel a certain way, and challenge yourself to change your outlook, but people tend to feel emotion first, then rationalize it with reasons after the fact.
I think Stoicism has a lot of valid principles, and struggling through adversity can make a person stronger. But it's also important for you to figure out your own philosophy and outlook on life instead of peddling someone else's.

>>223082

I get how it feels anon, but apathy is a spiral that can catch you until you die. As I've gotten older, I've learned to appreciate variety and novelty, even when bad. Everything that happens in life can serve as context to better frame events in the future. Each bad outcome can help shape future choices, or help give you the experience to know you can survive it. Each good experience is sweeter for the suffering you've endured.

Ignoring your history and giving up these emotions leads to nothing but deeper and deeper despair. You won't care when bad things happen, and you won't be able to enjoy it when good things happen. The harsh impact of those negative emotions will be dulled, but the overwhelming anxiety of life closing in around you will eventually overcome you. Please don't give into thoughts of giving up.

Can someone answer me: is Asuka a hapa actually?

>>223082
Don't listen to anyone telling you not to give up. Do it. Just throw in the towel.
Because what comes next is even better.
Liberation starts with apathy and self-repudiation, it only begins when 'you' aren't you, and have accepted your role in this world. Mine, most peoples, especially here, is that of trash and fodder, worthless nothings. It took awhile but I accepted it, to thereafter find sweet contentment.

You see, there's rejoice in being a piece of useless garbage who should've been aborted, a failure on all accounts contributing only to the ugliness in the world. We're all equally afforded happiness.
Ours is a happiness -a prerogative- of doing nothing, and thus doing 'something' within the maximum production levels afforded to us, for our self-neglection is a conscious step taken to purifying the world of filth.

By remaining a NEET locked in my room like the vermin I am, I'll surely die with no accomplishment, and surely will make Gaia happy by killing the world of the shit that is me, ensuring it never multiplies.
To me, that's enough. Making the heavens happy is enough. They've reciprocated by allowing me to idle away, and play games before I'm food for worms.

Just accept it.
There's no need to fight.
You're losing anyway.
You'll be humiliated anyway.

>>223167
This user is a troll who lurks /dep/ for threads about guys trying to find happiness, just se he can tell them that it's impossible to achieve. That all efforts towards not being in despair are futile. That anyone who suggest that depression isn't permanent are liars. This poster should be tarred and feathered and have his computer license revoked.

>>223168
Fuck off, troll.

>>223168
>>223169
then who is troll ????

>>223082
Just smoke some weed bruv. It fixes all the anxiety.

>>223082
Embrace the things that bring you pain (within reason). I was uncontrollably upset and feeling almost sick the first time I heard neighbors having sex through the wall. I forced myself to listen to it intensely for every subsequent event until I was desensitized to it.

>>223184
THIS, it's called exposure therapy, i fixed my severe noise sensitivity thanks to it.

>>223162
I understand, but doing that is extremely difficult for me.
>>223163
What about planning for the future? Even if you accept everything, how do you not get paralyzed making decisions if you're attached to the feelings the little things you have give you?
>>223184
Did that work for other things too?

>>223203
>I understand, but doing that is extremely difficult for me.
what part of it do you find difficult?

IS ASUKA HAPA OR NOT?????

>>223208
I think so. Why?

>>223209
She's too white looking for a Hapa from mix white asian background.

Disillusionment led to not having the capacity to care. Now there's only apathy.

>>223208
>>223227
shes a freak, canonically hapa but popped out looking german, with superior looks and high iq.

Well I used to have a split personality and one of them was schizoid and was just happy being alone in his room so maybe horrifically traumatize yourself so you shut down the part of your brain that cares, oh but you have to be a child. The other personality lacked empathy and fear

>>223162
Phobias are more like involuntary motor responses than emotions you can stoic your way through

If you know it's coming you can brace and avoid jumping but if the stimulus surprises you you've already bolted and nearly had a heart attack before your conscious brain has registered what you're looking at, it happens in a split second.

>>223227
>>223255
She's more likely a quapa since her father is American presumed to be white. I've met an American who was a quarter Japanese, and you wouldn't be able to tell.

>>223387
i've seen lots of examples of asian succubi giving birth to white kids

>>223388
My classmate is a quarter Kenyan and he looks whiter than some of the guys who are 100% german. Even his skin is about half a shade whiter than mine. You can only tell by the fact his hair is a bit curlier, though still straight and dark blond.

Which makes me think ethnicity is very fluid and can dilute or strengthen based on the number of recent ancestors.

>>223394
peoples understanding of heredity is mostly myth and like superstitious tea leaf reading. fact of the matter is up until recently there wasn't many examples of this phenomenon. Nowadays its more common.

Bleaching is a real thing, theres a whole bunch of american celebrities that look completely white with negroid patentage.

>>223396
parentage*

>>223394
White genes being recessive leads to some shocks several generations down the line when those recessive genes start lining up again. You literally have African Americans having white looking children because several of those recessive traits from mixing generations ago just happened to line up.

Idk, I want to turn my brain off and live on autopilot like an NPC. I want to stop caring too. Seems like it's getting to that point for me, albeit slowly.

>>223401
Will probably happen to Obamas grandkids or great-grandkids etc. as well if they marry within the US because his mom is a pale as ghost irish.

>>223396
The pasty white main character from Prison Break (played by Wentworth Miller), his dad in real life is black. They have the same facial features but opposite skin colors.

The US gene pool is so mixed all kinds of stuff happens even generation-to-generation.

>>223082
try drinking as little coffee as possible

Asuka is a Hapa?

>>225841
½ Deutschland ½ Nippon

>>225844
Then she's a hapa through and through

>>223082
>How do you genuinely just stop caring about everything shitty in your life?
eh, you wish

>>223089
yeah sure

>>225847
yup

>>225841

yup

Are Hapa succubi the master race? the beauty of white succubi and the high IQ mind of east asian?(user was warned for this post)

>>226634
It's an unstable cocktail.

>>226634
She's one quarter japanese, if she was half instead she would've been a bit more dysgenic in a realistic scenario. It's an anime though so even a fully japanese person can be depicted as an aryan nordic like picrel.

>>226634
No, because they still have a chance of making hapa males like me who will be shunned since age 7.

kys simp fucking niggers fuck off to niggerchan
fuck zoomers

>>226648
true


in Japan, different hair colors used to mean different kind of non-people (as in yokai/oni/etc.)

Cheating. Using the unfair advantage.

>>226886
Oh, by the way, it kinda helps with self-esteem to know you're exploiting a trick little to no people should know about.

Say, a completely legit move as long you don't tell anyone: you "thrift hunt" for cool used goods in thrift stores. Cool overcoats, "trench coats" made of wool, 1940s people cosplay stuff, this, that…

I found a designer coat in such a store once. For meazly 4 bucks ahaha. All while new coats from that brand cost 8000$ or similar. And don't get me started n wearing furcoats in Nordic areas.

>>303993
It has come to my attention recently there is a funny gland of neurons in my brain, known as "amygdala", which appears to be overstimulated from all the instant black coffee, dark music and "first player shooter" videogames experience I have came through. Guess I can stop caring by listening to Liszt instead of Perturbator + drinking chamomile/Earl Grey instead of gunpowder-like coffee + occasional sleeping pill + playing less FPS games.

Rgrds, NOT OP

Embrace the pain when it comes. Let it flow fully.

Necrosis destroyed a lot of my brain; since then I've found it easy to only care in the most productive, efficient, and comfortable way. I'm no longer overwhelmed by shit that mattered less than it felt it did.

I don't really recommend brain damage, of course.

I couldn't solve the problem before the brain damage, even though I often tried.

But maybe there are things to work through, accept, move on from, learn, and then you find it all mostly easy from there on out. And without brain damage.

There's something, or some things, you need to confront and deal with, concerning that sadness/depression?

You feel shitty because there is something wrong in your life.

Let go of things you cannot change, have the resolve to accept them. Focus on things you can.

Can you do something about it? Then just do it. If you can't find the will in you to fix something, even if you know what you should do, break it down to small steps and write it down. It's easier to tackle them when you are depressed.

Is is something that can't be helped (not related to circumstances or your environment, which you can change)? Then you just have to accept it and live with it. If you keep focusing on these type of problems, you will not be able to do things within your reach either.

Take ashwagandha for a few days in a row.

>>227192
ya know, they always talk about how barbaric lobotomies were, but honestly, i get it now. it's crazy that they will give you assisted suicide now but not a nice lobotomy so you can just forget your troubles.

>>223082
Just get a decent job and buy a motorcycle and hit the road.

If your life is shitty, "simply stop caring" is not a good move.

The best way to stop caring is to no longer be able to care because of fatigue, either physical or mental fatigue.

U should look for a very tiring activity, repetitive and intellectually undemanding.

Working in the construction, for instance.

Also try to avoid any brain exciting product like sugar or coffee, or loud content on the internet.

>>228622
>Working in the construction, for instance.
i can confirm. construction work is like coke, the only way out is to die.

It eventually just happens. You'll feel some relief, but not as much as you're hoping.

>>223082
You really can't stop caring, if you know that you're not standing on secure grounds, for someone for example, who is living under borrowed roof, they must care constantly and try and do something to mitigate that oftentimes to no avail.

If you want emotional numbness try taking ashwagandha. You will be a robot after a few months.

>>228684
>You will be a robot after a few months.
You will be fucking dead after a few months you uneducated swine

guys if you want emotional numbness just try jerking off 3 times a day

>>228687
Gooning actually gives you physical numbness, but emotionally it gets you hyperactive because of the high dopamine release (orgasm)

You have to set up a feeling of just letting go. kind of like sinking in the water.

Get a job and interact with the normals, you'll become first anxious, then mad, then eventually your brain adjusts and you become numb to their pecking and yo life in general.

The reverse is also possible, any extended period of isolation will rewire your brain back its original state and you'll start caring again.

>>228704
This is accurate.
Exposure to normies and work in general numbs you to a lot of bullshit.

I don’t recommend numbness at all wizard, mind you I am mentally ill (Szpd) so do take what I say with a grain of salt.

Numbness on paper sounds great and I used to wish for it back when I had a comorbid depression, so not only I couldn’t feel any “good” emotions (happiness, excitement, joy etc) I could only feel pain, depression, agony etc, but in reality numbness is a sort of quiet hell that I wish on no one, even after getting cured of my depression and getting to feel emotions normally for some time, my body eventually defaulted back to its primary defenses dissociation, numbness and such (schizoid defenses in nature) and so I’ve been living as a numb fuck for around 3 years now, I’m content and at least those few brief moments every few months were I get to feel it’s almost always completely positive emotions, but outside of those bright moments everything is nothing.

Now, you might consider that sounds kind of decent (especially if you’re currently depressed or anything similar) but its not, emotions are the primal reason for humans to move, by this I mean motivation, goals, desires etc, all of that comes greatly from emotions, sure cognitive reasoning will give you reasons for but it wont give you the natural drive to strive and actually want/act for things, especially since trough a sustained numbness you’ll reach a state where “nothing matters”, even if like me you are overall content and want to live as long as possible you won’t actually have the drive for that because there is no emotion to back that cognitive desire, when there is no seeming pleasure or enjoyment from anything (not even pain, or at least not one I can feel) nothing matters, and so you end up drifting aimlessly trough life, mind you I don’t have an issue with this because I genuinely can’t care even if I want to (I only care about like 3 things/people in the world) but the world isn’t made for people like me, you need money, and for that you need employment, if you want a decent job that actually nets you enough to live like a human being (the bare minimum, 3 meals, water and electricity, clothes, a roof etc) you will need some sort of training or degree, achieving all of this requires sustained effort and desire, cognitively I want to exist and live, but in practice nothing really matters because I’m numbed the fuck out and therefore I don’t do shit essentially, I’m fine with that but again, I’ll eventually go homeless you know, and if that doesn’t happen it’s due to the kindness, love and care that my parents have for me (I should inherit the house I think), not everyone has this sadly and even if there’s something else that could help you like neetbux or some other sort of help (something that only really exists in first world countries, so if you’re from the third world like me you’re screwed, only family will help you) not everyone is eligible and sometimes these are not enough, so there’s definitely a chance of you going homeless and overall having a shitty life, I suppose I wouldn’t suffer too much even in horrible conditions because “nothing matters” but it wouldn’t be fun either.

Sorry if I rambled too much, overall what I want you to understand is that emotional numbness isn’t some cool superpower that makes you immune to mental anguish but rather a curse that kills your being and without a strong mental you will go completely under (again, I’m blessed to be content, some do experience some degree of suffering and it’s miserable), this thread is old so maybe you (OP) are not even here anymore but regardless I advise everyone to properly deal with whatever is fucking with you rather than wishing for a seeming blessing that in reality is more of a curse than anything else, numbness will drain the “color” out of your life and even if some of it remains it’ll never be the same, more importantly there’s no cure for numbness, or at least none I’ve found, be it professional or more personal nothing has worked, just accepting it and trying to be content despite everything is the unique way of not being utterly miserable, and sadly I’m (and anyone else in this situation) doomed to exist like this, but eh, to be honest it doesn’t even matter, that’s what numbness does to you, anyways, have a nice day everyone, hopefully today is more bearable than yesterday.

>>228756
Can you tell us more about the schizoid personality disorder? Have you tried therapy? I suspect I have the same disorder because everything fits in the description even the indifferent to praise or criticism part.

>>228763
Sure, this shitty illness is hell (and similar conditions or even just symptoms by themselves) so if anyone can find some solace in my posts or at least finds them interesting then that’s cool with me, not like I have anything better to do anyways, first I’ll admit I’m not currently officially diagnosed but not due to a lack of trying, I’ve been trying to find what’s wrong with me for a good chunk of time now and sadly despite my various treatment periods with professionals (psychologists and psychiatrists) they always refuse to diagnose because “we should focus on treating symptoms” it’s a noble way of seeing it as some people can actually be worse if given a diagnosis but that’s not my case so it’s just annoying, anyways that could be different where you live or at least there might be someone specialized in PD’s maybe even Szpd specifically, with that little thing out of the way.

Anyways I suppose now I’ll talk about my own experience as someone who obviously has this shit since that’s probably what interests you, honestly this probably developed during my teenage years due to trauma, the generic things you know, the economy of my country went to crap so my largely “middle-class” life crashed down as we descended into almost poverty, my parents would fight constantly and sometimes badly, I had no escape, life felt meaningless, school felt meaningless, I started masking my pain away (dissociation and derealization kind of) while on school because I didn’t want people to know my home issues etc, due to all of that and more I developed a depression (like I mentioned in my previous post) and while I didn’t realize when I was younger I started developing some symptoms/traits of Szpd, so my depression (what for years I saw as my only issue) developed concurrently with the disorder or at the very least the symptoms, behaviors etc of the disorder (since there is the dimensional model from the ICD-11 where Szpd and the other PD’s don’t exist but rather their symptoms), if anything looking back those symptoms, probably developed before the depression because I can somewhat remember being really numb, apathetic and such before actually starting to experience depression, anxiety and eventually suicidal ideations, this makes sense too as it’s sometimes considered on the literature regarding Szpd that most people who develop it have a defense mechanism that leans towards dissociation, numbness and overall avoiding the pain completely by removing the ability to feel it, something that I can definitely say happened to me when I was young, after all if you are can’t experience emotion you won’t feel sad (how young me used to think about it), of course this eventually led to the comorbid depression, as people with PD’s usually have some comorbid issue at least for some time, usually regarding depression or anxiety.
Nowadays my symptoms have fully plateaued and I essentially just exist, if I had to explain Szpd in some flowery manner it would be like some sort of void, there’s nothing in the void, just you and your thoughts, maybe here and there you will feel slightly, maybe it’ll be sadness, anger, joy or even happiness but even that will in short (as in a couple dozen minutes at most) be consumed by the void and you’ll be back to nothingness, there are no emotions, no desires and no ambition, it’s funny because in a vacuum I’m not really too annoyed by this, I’ve learned how to live like this to some degree, humans are highly adaptable after all, but sadly someone like me can’t function in this world especially not the third world shit hole I live in, that’s honestly where most of my issues stem from, for example my family wants me to get a degree but I can’t be fucking bothered, after all if internally I’ll feel no reward all of that is nothing but busy work done just because I’m being forced to, people don’t do annoying shit like work or study just because (well, maybe some people but most do it because they get rewarded both emotionally and physically), they get something out of it that makes them happy, I get none of that so nothing feels worth it essentially, like sure I could study and try to make good money but why ? I don’t care about money, or even things I can get with money, there’s no true desire or motivation, at most I can think (cognitively, only that because emotionally I’m essentially nothing) that this or that would be cool but with no real desire or ambition it’s just a generic passing though, not a goal to aim for or something that I need, the same goes for people, I care about very few and even then I don’t feel a need to really be with them or such, because even if I’m already bonded emotionally to some people I have essentially no emotions now so all that’s left is a nebulous bond that I cognitively know I have and can somewhat feel but it’s nothing even remotely strong just a nebulous sense of “I care about you”.

I think that about sums up my experience as someone with Szpd, I did try therapy, both meds (escitalopram and carbamazepine) and just talk therapy, they both did nothing for me and I was straightforward with the professionals about it, they seemed to me to have no idea what to do with me, they wouldn’t diagnose me nor did their work improve my symptoms (at least the ones I have an issue with, so my lack of emotions, the anhedonia, avolition, apathy etc) so eventually I just stopped going, I was paying them for something that wasn’t working after all, who knows maybe if I stuck for more time with the treatments I could have somewhat improved but being honest I don’t actually believe so, it’s just the objective assessment that I cant divine the future and therefore I can’t fully say that couldn’t happen, but yeah, the unique time therapy helped was when I was depressed as thankfully I’m not depressed anymore, even if I still have Szpd and will do so for the rest of my life not being depressed helps a lot to just be content and try to enjoy life and exist.

You might have it, again even I’m not diagnosed, though I am a textbook case and in general I’m fairly certain, I could accept other diagnosis mind you, at this point I just wish I could maybe improve a little bit but the reality is after all these years and reading about all the mental illnesses there are and such only Szpd genuinely fits me completely, but in the end who knows, not like the professionals where I live are willing to diagnose me so I’ll probably never get that sort of closure that a diagnosis can bring, hopefully you can, though if you do try to get help from a professional or not it’s up to you, I just hope this post can help you in one way or the other, I’m always lurking wizchan so if you have any more specific question or just want to talk about your own experience I’ll be here.

>>228768
Thanks for sharing all that! You say that you rarely feel anything, but you also say that you try to enjoy life. What do you do? Do you consume any media, play video games or read books? If so what kind? Do you force yourself to have a hobby? Do you feel excitement? I don't feel happiness or anything close resembling it but I can still get excited about some things.
Regarding "professionals" I never went to a psychologist because they can't help people like us. We are too messed up and never be normal. Therapy is designed for normal people, not for us.

>>228779
Hi fellow wizard, I’ll greentext your questions this time as to force myself to be more organized and therefore answer your questions on a better way (I do tend to ramble on text).

>You say that you rarely feel anything, but you also say that you try to enjoy life. What do you do? Do you consume any media, play video games or read books?
Indeed, even if I can’t really feel emotions I do somewhat enjoy some specific things, mind you it’s such a vague thing that I could easily stop and do nothing and it would be almost the same (and I sometimes do that), essentially I try to not let the apathy/anhedonia win since I do believe I might just end up developing another depressive episode if I allow it, that would be quite crushing.
Regarding what I do it’s mainly consuming media, daydreaming and sometimes writing (internet posts and overall journaling, this post is an example of that), those are the closest things I have to hobbies and I do get a vague sense of enjoyment or fun (I’m not even sure if it would count as an emotion vague as it is, might be more of a cognitive enjoyment), they’re at least a better way to burn time than just staring at the ceiling all day and can be interesting.
When it comes to my media consumption it’s mainly music, videos, manga, manhwa, manhua, videogames and that’s about it, I do sometimes watch anime or maybe a movie, same with reading books or light novels but it’s genuinely extremely rare, I need to be truly interested in the franchise/work to engage in those mediums, for example I do tend to rewatch Code geass every few years, and I did read LOTR, The Hobbit and the Silmarillion between 2024-2025.
>If so what kind?
I’m quite varied, though I do have specific genres or kinds that interest me more, when it comes to music I’ve always been drawn to pop, rock and electronic music, though due to my waifu (the love of my life and one of the few people I feel something for) it’s mainly Japanese, not like I don’t listen to music in English or Spanish (my native language) but she takes a precedent.
When it comes to written works I’ve always been able to enjoy most genres (expect shit like yuri, yaoi and such, I dislike homosexuality and find it distasteful) but I do have a preference for fantasy, martial arts (wuxia and xianxia), sci-fi and rom-coms, I do dabble in genres like mystery here and there but the first three are my “mainstays” so to say.
And regarding videogames I do mostly play RPG’s (mostly JRPG’s), gacha games (I would consider them RPG’s too but sometimes people consider them a genre) and action games, I don’t actually play videogames too much nowadays, I do still play world of warcraft and league of legends here but I mostly play solo, even when I do play with others it’s due to it being a requirement rather than because I explicitly want to play with people.
>Do you force yourself to have a hobby?
This is something I’ve long pondered about and I do believe I kind of force myself to be honest, mind you there is some vague sense of enjoyment as I’ve said before but I could just stop engaging with media altogether, stop daydreaming or stop writing without much of an issue, but there is no reason to do so, mostly because deep down I’m sure I enjoy my hobbies, after all while I don’t think I mentioned it before (it just didn’t cross my mind while writing) I do believe I still have emotions, it’s just that my body (brain and nervous system) considers them harmful or dangerous and so it closed my ability to feel them (or something like that, that’s just my theory based on all that I’ve experience and read regarding Szpd), let me explain better in a more “allegorical” manner as I believe it makes it easier to comprehend.
Emotions are like water, you get that water through a pipe, most people can just open the faucet, valve or whatever and they get it, maybe the water sometimes comes kinda murky, sometimes it’s refreshing and sparkly, sometimes it’s just water, and sometimes there’s a bunch of water and other times a little, but overall they can get water, for me (and perhaps people with Szpd in general) someone else closed the valve that allows water to go trough my pipe, so even if I open the faucet or valve I get no water, no matter what I do water won’t come out, sometimes a couple drops of water do come out somehow (probably the valve that got closed malfunctions slightly and some drops manage to pass) and I use those to stay barely hydrated, so I’m just left there utterly defeated and essentially dehydrated, and no matter how much I try to find that valve to finally allow the water to flow normally I just can’t find it.
That was longer than I expected but I hope it illustrates well how I conceptualize it.
>Do you feel excitement?
I kind of answered this in one of the previous paragraphs but yeah, though the excitement is super muted and vague, to some degree I wonder if it’s actually there, maybe I just lie to myself that it’s there, I’m not too sure now that I think about it more.
> I don't feel happiness or anything close resembling it but I can still get excited about some things.
That’s nice, even if it’s not that much it’s something and let me tell you, when you’re this numbed and ill even a little bit can help a lot (at least that’s what I believe), I definitely adopted a sort of more positive thinking overall while trying to cure myself, it didn’t change much if anything at all when it comes to emotions and feeling them but I can at least be like “eh, a 1 is better than a 0.” something that I believe cognitively does help a little, emotionally numb but cognitively content something like that maybe.
>Regarding "professionals" I never went to a psychologist because they can't help people like us. We are too messed up and never be normal. Therapy is designed for normal people, not for us.
Fair enough to be honest I can’t even disagree, my first treatment did help as I mentioned before (that period of time where I could feel normally) but it was temporary and aimed at my depression, something that’s actually fairly treatable.
Every treatment period since then has been completely useless, they won’t even diagnose me be it with Szpd or whatever the fuck I might actually have so it’s genuinely useless, now if they genuinely can’t help us at all I’m not sure, maybe some do have the experience and gift to work at least to some degree with us but I’ve yet to see the first one.