/wiz/ - Wizardry

>>228138
I'm in the process of kicking some addictions which took up decent amounts of my day so I had to learn new ways of spending my time. I have some hobbies I neglected that I wanted to pick up again such as the guitar and drawing but I'm still too lazy for that. I recently had some inspiration to want to create a game world for myself. I don't know anything about 3d modelling, game development and so on. So I started doing 15 minutes of either Godot or Blender tutorials every day. I have this hour long tutorial that I've been working on for a week now and I got maybe 15 minutes into it because I always stop and play around with whatever feature he shows off. It's a long and arduous journey but I think I'm slowly starting to enjoy it, maybe. I think the main thing is to start small. Infinitesimally small steps. But to write down whenever you did it with a time and date. Whenever I log my daily session and see all the days I've been keeping at it, it makes me feel a little proud I think. I started doing the same thing with 10 minutes of daily exercise, just some jump rope usually. The goal for now is to literally just get used to doing things that I wasn't doing before so that I can slowly increase the "dosage" and some day get the results I'm looking for. But if you're starting out you need to find the lowest possible amount you would be comfortable to do daily and learning to live with that voice in your head that will inevitably berate and mock you for it.

instead of trying to live for some moment on your deathbed when you can "look back", why not try to focus on the here and now… your daily actions and engagement with it

> "I don't see the future I'm doing stuff for so why would I bother"
this is a key piece. If this is the belief in your heart-of-hearts when you wake up in the morning… good luck getting out of bed with any vim and vigor…

personally im not really at the point of structured life… similarly live at home with basic needs taken care of. Sometimes fall into depressions with weeks/months of gaps in anything productive

for me meditation and boredom can be powerful cus if i sit still, two things happen: i either process whatever i'm feeling (but it can often spiral into rumination…) or I have thoughts about what i want to do… if i'm only allowed to sit and stare at the wall, doing work or starting a creative project finally feels like a path of least resistance. Staring at the wall more than 20 minutes starts to get really difficult and then if you put a task in front of you, the mind will be more likely to instantly engage. Takes a certain discipline and will, though… so often it's just #1. Ruminating about my parents dying soon, fear of being on my own, etc… but that can also be a bit motivating because I'd *LIKE* to be a strong wizard capable of supporting myself…

at some point in your wizarding career, you just gotta stop thinking about those pesky concepts like "the future". you have to accept that "it's over" and really feel it in your body. acceptance feels like unclenching your jaw after holding it for decades. you're not a meaningful player in the normalfag dominance hierarchy, none of it applies to you so just chill out.

your goal should be to find engaging activities that make time fly. losing yourself is the best you can hope for as a relatively content wiz.

>>228138
>Having some "I don't see the future I'm doing stuff for so why would I bother" sort of thoughts.
I might just be a retarded animal.

YOu might be… it's not logical because assuming you had this perspective 3 years ago… well here you are, in the future… the future you didn't see worth bothering for. It'll happen again in 3 years.

>How to become more functional? How does one really do anything long term without a guiding star of sorts?

How do you become functional/discplined towards a goal you do not have?

First you must find the star.

The fact you can write a post like this shows there is an awareness that's looking for a north star. What if your awareness is the guiding star?

Walking helps.

I have a stable job that isn't terrible, all things considered, and I make alright money. Not enough to thrive, but I got food and shelter so I'm alright.

But walking helps. Just get outside and walk wherever you can. Really clears the head.

Similar situation here.
I suffer from chronic pains, nothing gets better.
There is just no way you will ever enjoy living without good health.

I'm sorry for abandoning the thread, I had it open all this time, just no real strength to respond.
To be more clear I just got checkmated by >>228194 this fellow mentally at least for a good bit and I'm still not able to meaningfully respond.
I'll do so anyways to at least show appreciation.
I have read each response fully of course, even if I do not quote directly.

>>228159
I understand the "baby steps" approach, I tried. I managed to "force things" for a while, then somehow drop it and to my shock a year passed.
I to this day am unable to keep a consistent hygiene schedule, it only got better because I do force myself every time I have to go to work which… isn't as often as you might imagine with my blessed dead end helpdesk job I received through something like divine grace.

I tried over and over again and I have accumulated nothing but failures to the point where now my body seems averse to even trying. I just bring the hobby tools for example and stare at them. I can barely read or force myself to think often enough.
Cheap dopamine is the only thing I manage to pursue, but the past few years have been filled with more "starring at the wall in a hazy daydream" rather than any video games or anime. Both which take more effort than I seem able to maintain.
I can muster some up if need be, but as I said, maintaining the spark and kindling it into flame is beyond me.

Funny you mention blender as it was something I really wanted to be good at at some point. I have 2.8 still downloaded, mostly untouched as you might imagine. Ended up like many delusional dreams of mine.
Well not quite, it can't collect dust at least…

>>228193
>If this is the belief in your heart-of-hearts
This was not a desired outcome nor a desired state of mind. It's not something I decide or choose daily. Though I do consider myself a victim I guess considering my galton board obsession.
I have made attempts which felt like best effort and honest pushes, especially during childhood and you know… the frequency of these became less and less after each rejection and failure.
Note, rejection as in, my being, my presence, my joining a group to play or simply converse with etc. Not romantic. I'll be a full wizard in less than 10 days.
Regardless, the result of constant failures shaped my views and current capacity.

Thank you for sharing your experience, it resonates in many ways.
>if i'm only allowed to sit and stare at the wall, doing work or starting a creative project finally feels like a path of least resistance.
Unfortunately I was a chronic daydreamer as a kid, while I lost the spark I don't have trouble just blankly staring at nothing today either. I don't get the urge you mention, the small work on a hobby doesn't seem like a tasty dopamine treat even after a long wall starring session.

>>228317
You are right, I have understood this myself, I don't have a goal and can't find one. Can't gaslight myself into one either it seems.
>What if your awareness is the guiding star?
This part I don't understand though. What exactly do you suggest here?

>>228320
I'll need to muster up the willpower to get consistent about it. I really do feel better if I'm outside every once in a while. I used to go on nightwalks, even walked a bit every morning, same route usually. Then blinked and a year passed.

>>228371
Indeed… I could list the issues. It's a burden mentally knowing that even if you put in 200% the effort even if you aren't even capable of 50% "normal" will never come. Sure, "healthier", but never healthy again.


Now back to the biggest pain point. A wizard most intimately familiar with doom >>228194 tore open wounds I'd rather have forgotten about.
I don't know how to even address this without sounding even more like a spineless idiot than I already am.
I agree wholeheartedly. I'm incapable.
I've made some impulsive attempts at such things. I made a little rat guy for example. I decided to spend a ton on a hobby I always wanted along with 3D modelling only to lose the spark after a single figure.
I was high on life for a while, despite the agony of my hands and other parts ailed by afflictions.
I was completely satisfied with the outcome, despite going at it with a "outcome independent" mentality.
…
That is all it amounted to.
I'm no longer really as ashamed of these failed attempts as I once was. Not longer blaming myself over the wasted money of the MANY MANY MANY attempts that failed to launch even to this level.
I was in tears by the end, had to force myself so hard just to finish… just to do something I mentally WANTED, or should have… Every inch of me resisting the act for no reason.
No amount of nihilism helps me get over this despair.
Despair that I'm simply incapable of action seemingly consigned to be an eternal observer of my own decay. I mentioned chronic pains, not even those motivate me to act even though action should be the path of least resistance.

I truly don't know how I could completely internalize being a dead man walking. I'm trying. It helped with the self blame parts on a day-to-day at least. I no longer care about having blown 2 years of wages on I'm not even quite sure what exactly.
Since… you know, what else was I going to do with it anyways?
I feel like your post is the closest to a truth I could apply to my life that I've found so far, but it's either not enough or I'm not enough.

I don't wish for much in terms of possessions or achievements, just to enjoy my time more. Enjoy it like I once did video games or anime, then manga. I'm deeply jealous of the neet wizards that still have that spark and a drive to play games too.
I just can't anymore. It takes too much.

>>228138
>Those of you that live a decently structured, responsible and stable life, how?
how do you define that? I've got some long-term commitments under my belt (a PhD) but other than that I think most people are impulsive retards when it comes down to it. usually when people achieve something long-term it's because circumstances forced them to. a common impetus is having children, many normalfags get whipped right into shape by the responsibility despite being utterly unreliably and flaky otherwise

>>228447
Great observation.

I don't have an exact definition.
The ability to set such long-term goals for yourself without being forced by circumstance.
The discipline to control said impulses without external constraint.
That should be a good first step. Managing day to day needs on my own, body maintenance and the like would be a good step towards the type of life I had in mind for me for example.

Were you forced or coerced by circumstance to get your degree? Maybe it was more comfortable to keep going to college / parents supported you until then so you could put of joining the workforce?
Even if the goal was set for you, you still managed to attain it on your own so I think it counts.

sometmies i like ot go walking ti really reminds me of my mortlity i reckon i went once to a gas staton and asked this guy what he thought of israel and he just looked at me shrugged and walked away i guess he coudnt stand my aura but again i reckon i once also went into the train tracks and found a cool piece ofcpap metal