>be me, a child>am gifted a pc and a Nintendo wii>watch Minecraft youtubers>my life is going to school, play minecraft and super mario bros and watch youtube>ffw 10 years old>my new addiction is league of legends and I buy the league's world cup ashe skin>i want to become a league professional player>at this point I still kept good grades, especially at math<convince my parents to stop obligating me to study
>ffw a year>I fight against a classmate and suffer because of that>our many fights and relationship as "enemies" impacted my feelings and self-esteem>it was to the point that I was diagnosed with social phobia and depression>it didn't help that my family was going through an unpleasant moment>i discover fortnite and that became my new addiction>it basically became my whole life>pandemic arrives after more one year>i used to play fortnite with my classmates, that later would bully me>we played everyday until midnight after our online classes>i've also learned photoshop and made about 150$>eventually became 14 years old>dive deep into animes and i aspire being an anime elitist (aka otacult in the circles i participated)>my life consists in watching anime and manga and read reviews and critiques from elitist twitter accounts and blogs>discover new anime>find evangelion kickass>find the patlabor movies kickass>find sarazanmai kickass>noticed how the camera distortions in steins;gate gave a claustrophobic tone to the anime>low mean score at myanimelist>i could recognize hiroyuki tanaka's and yutapon's animation style, and also from other animators that i forgot the name by now>watch godard and bergman>fancy pepe holding a wine glass.png<meanwhile my school grades were mediocre (my philosophy was that as long as I passed the exact score didn't matter)
>i was mediocre except on the literature, philosophy, history and geography classes>/lit/erature teacher said I had a great abstraction>philosophy teacher found i was a straight A student>english teacher said I was one of the best writers at my grade and that she thought I was aspiring to became a lawyer, due to how well I wrote>(and right before I graduated hs my geography teacher said he enjoyed teaching me; I participated a lot in his classes)>feels good, man.png<meanwhile…
<had a hard time on the math classes
<didn't study in order to maximize my leisure time
<realize I have le former gifted kid syndrome
<at this point I didn't have friends and was made fun of by my classmates
>ffw 16 years<introduced to 4chan through r/visualnovels
<(actually knew about it through YouTube when I was a kid, but just started using after that subreddit)
>find like minded people at /a/>that great feeling when I feel at home<my brother introduces me to some altchans
<am temp banned from them because I didn't know how to properly write greentexts, lol
>study japanese daily for 1 month<stop with that because my last year of hs was arriving and I wanted to focus on studying for university entrance exams
<(barely studied)
<(in retrospect, I should've kept studying japanese)
<ffw more mental health issues arrive
<ocd to be more exact
<can't watch anime anymore due to that
<start playing jrpgs as a substitute
<140 hours at final fantasy ix
<750 hours of jrpgs on total so far, considering all the ones I've played
<apply to a humanities major since I was mediocre enough and bad at math
<and I also was molded by the shit ton of media I consumed
>manage to pass the entrance exam, but almost failed>the minimum score to pass and enroll at the major was relatively low, so it is laughable that I almost failed>ffw once more (that's the last time, I swear)>be me, October 6, 2026>in the middle of my nth semester of university>still socially isolated>mildy recessed chin, light gynecomasty, fatfuck (due to antipsychotic)>no social life and still with social phobia>spend all my days on my phone>last week average time was 10h/day>having a hard time concentrating on the lectures>realize I don't relate to anything besides games, imageboards and literature>my major is still somewhat fun, but I hold ambiguous feelings toward it>trying to write fiction to try turning that into my future, but I'm only giving baby steps so far>mfw in a year of writing I've only wrote 2,5 short stories (currently working on the third)>no career prospects to people who graduate in my major but being a high school teacher or following the academic path>tfw the clock is ticking>I will graduate in some semesters>don't want to work>considered going for a master's just so I extend my time as an unemployed and as someone supported by my parents' money>(luckily they don't mind if I keep living with them, that's awesome)>realize I want to keep being a kid forever>#underage4evahI don't know what to do. It feels like my future will suck. I don't want to work in a meaningless job (and the only job I wouldn't find meaningless is something related to creating fiction, but as you could see, it's not going well enough, with how much I write). If I at least was passionate for math I could have a bright future with those emerging careers such as data science, AI and the like. And at the same time my own life is empty and a meaningless, wasted shit. I don't feel prepared to face the real world. I wish things had gone a little different.
I don't want to be an adult. I've lived at the margin of the microsociety around me (my classmates), so how they expect me to fit in the real society? I exchanged a few words with my parents about becoming a neet, masking the desire with a tone of joke, and they rejected the idea, as expected. I know that neeting is a dead end, but I can't help but feel like becoming one.
Sometimes I imagine what my life would look like if I wasn't born at the internet age. I would be bored and then would solve math problems in my free time, keeping a good performance in math and enrolling in a stem major. I would entertain me with books from a young age, being way more well-read than I'm currently am.
Recently I've decided to read Sartres conception of shame and I related to it. I also related to that micro story of Kafka about the rat that was eaten by the cat. Life is kind of cruel.