/dep/ - Depression

Reflections on height
My mother is 4.9, my father is 5.5.
In my school years, because my mother worked as a cleaner in a factory for 12 grand (RUB*) a month and my father worked in the same factory as an electrician for 15 grand, I had a disgusting diet and a closed way of life - I was forbidden to leave the house. I grew very slowly while my boy classmates in 13-14 years old were 5.2-6.2, succubi were 4.9-5.7. I was 4.7 in 9th grade at 15 (since I went to school at 6 (while the whole class was 7-8). I was hated for my height and for the fact that I was not a calm tolerant I was a hyperactive child with the character of an alpha kid most of the bullying was psychological mostly I was bullied by classmates and teachers who were also female. The bullying could be expressed in the following teachers constantly put me as a bad example or as an example of a stupid child because I was the youngest and smallest, they looked down on me while my classmates allowed themselves to communicate with them as equals and challenge their decisions my attempts to build a constructive dialog ended with remarks and F's in the diary. I could be forced to do class work because it seemed to them that I was the easiest to force and so they reflexively emphasized me. To wring out a rag, to wipe the blackboard, to put me at the first desk in every lesson, to call me to the blackboard every lesson, to take away my backpack for not having time to put my textbooks away before the lesson started, constant teasing trying to shove me into some ugly role in some ugly play for example I played a rooster in the New Year's play because I was threatened to get a D for the quarter after which my classmates and teachers laughed at me almost immediately after that I was tricked into the role of an eagle on teacher's day where I was scripted to peck Hercules' liver while I was pecking the liver on stage. From the outside it looked like an act of sodomy and about 100 people were looking at me, including teachers and students, laughing loudly at me and shouting "peck, peck" I still do not understand how and why in their heads these people had such a desire to mock me. In addition to this I suffered from overweight, acne, stuttering and social maladjustment. No one was involved in my physical fitness, so I never knew how to do pull-ups and push-ups, which in turn caused ridicule from others. Classmates never paid attention to my advances they every day laughed at my height and my appearance Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

I hate wizards who got substantial inheritances, or lucked out otherwise while being unable to work. 99,9% of the problems related to being a wizard are related to a lack of money and the fact normies hate even employing a non-neurotypical, making life an infinite paywall torture simulator where you can only look but not touch anything.

My life would completely transform if I even had 10k dollars to my name. Yet there are wizards who inherited an expensive big house and hundreds of thousands of euros or dollars.

They cannot sympathize with someone who is in a perpetual cycle of shit tier labor->pay absolute necessities->have maybe $20 extra at the end of the month-> repeat infinitely…

Because they play life on heaven mode where everything is unlocked and stress levels go down by 99%.

Suicide general, - Discuss everything suicide related here.

When I was younger, around 20-25 years old, I was highly driven, motivated, outgoing, hopeful and physically fit. I had even graduated college. Then, the year I turned 26, I destroyed my right shoulder, left leg, totaled my car, dropped out of the trade school I was in, lost my job, became an alcoholic, and was THIS close to killing myself. Obviously I didn't since I'm posting here now at 29. I even went back to school and graduated for the trade and got the "dream job." Also stopped drinking 3 months ago.

However. since that year I haven't felt that happiness I once had. All of the things I had built up for myself were taken away all at once. I used to enjoy doing multiple martial arts, running, swimming, gaming, and learning new things. I just don't get the same enjoyment or excitement out of any of that stuff anymore. I don't know what to do any more. Do I just keep living even though I hate it? Just so I don't make my mother upset that I killed myself? It's just not good any more. Hasn't been for years.

I'm starting to get hints of back problems which means I should start exercising asap to strengthen my back. I've read the horror stories of back problems people share as a warning. And yet I don't do anything knowing full well I will regret it once it gets so bad I will be in constant pain and lose mobility.

Why? I'm like this with everything. I know and fear the consequences and yet I don't try to prevent them.

Health - undiagnosed gastrological problems, lost half my weight, couldn't breathe normally for a year, NAFLD, IBS, schizoid personality, mixed anxiety-depression, all teeth dying, always in pain or unbearable agony or feeling like i'm dying, benzo addiction, exhaustion, inability to function, move, eat, work like a normal person, heart arrythmias, breathing problems, stomach pains, teeth pain, head pain, eyesight problems, heartburn, huge scoliosis etc. etc.

Money - after making a ton of money in crypto eventually I started losing it and giving money away due to depression and suicidal ideation, so after 2 years of psychiatry and therapy i went to the best psychiatric hospital where they scammed me out of 6 figures and said they can't help me. Rest went to physicians for normal health problems, nobody really helped, they misdiagnosed me and tried to treat non-existing conditions, spent a year going from doctor to doctor for my symptoms until i ran out of money, now i'm left with infinite tax debt. Dropped out of school at 18, can't work any normal job due to physical mental social problems and inability to do simplest things, not that anyone would hire me.

Social - my family is insane and insanely stupid, they don't care and won't do anything even if you writhe in pain in front of them, or start dying in front of them. I don't speak to them since years and I would do things to them I'd rather not write about. Never had my own room, and shared a PC with 2 forever unemployed mentally ill brothers till I was 20. Never had a chance to live or function like a normal person. Never had a single relationship, a friend, never felt love in any form for anyone in my family or otherwise. I am socially at a level of a 4 year old.

Oh, I also can't do basic chores and never learned how to function like a normal human being. And I lost all my hobbies and copes since there's no point. So why am I still here, you ask? No reason, apart from my cowardice. I first thought about suicide probably 12 years ago, drowning in my bathtub. But i quickly decided it was just a fantasy and I will do it via train. Nothing's changed, only available methods are brutal and scary and i'm the biggest coward you will ever meet in the universe. But, there is no choice. Suicide started as a comforting fantasy, then a choice, and then a necessity you beg for every day. I hope I manage to die today. There is no point in doing anything or thinking about anything or feelinPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Serious question for any wizcels:

Do you ever wonder how you got here…as in, how or why you "woke up" when you did, where you did, to the people (parents) that you did? It's impossible to make sense of. Just on one fucking terrible day, we took up consciousness, literally out of nowhere we are in bodies and tasked with learning the mechanics of entire material world. What caused us to be born when we were, to whom we were? I don't accept that it was random, or mere bare biology..I feel within myself that this life is a targeted punishment and that were I smarter I would have avoided being born entirely. What piece of shit god thinks he/it has the right to do this to us? We are born, thereafter we spend a few years simply making basic sense of things, go off to school, probably suffer a lot, continue to grow up, endure more sadness, and now through all of it we just continue to get older and weaker and sadder. This life is a crime against our souls and whatever caused us to come here HAS TO PAY. Really the only thing I fear is being forced to come back to this shitheap of a world to suffer again…and I do worry about this precisely because I don't know how I got here in the first place. I feel deeply sorry for all the new souls born to this world…there is just so much to learn, but even more there is just so much to suffer through…and I cannot understand what kind of god would force this sort of existence on tender helpless beings? The demiurge must be overcome.

If my problems were purely emotional I think I could cope. But I have physical flaws that make me feel like a freak and hated by anyone who isn't family. I've got Seb derm on my face, and I've seen many dermatologists and tried every over the counter treatment possible, but nothing in the long-term has helped. It looks awful and the only option I have to is to wear cover-up (though I'm a guy), but that's noticeable too. I also have head tremors that look especially odd when I walk or drive a car. And on top of that i have a stutter, which can only be hidden when i don't talk (obviously), but is quite noticeable in most conversations. These things make me terribly anxious to be around people. I've tried to come to terms with my physical flaws, but I just can't. Every time I go outside I feel like everyone's eyes are on me. I'm jealous of people whose problems are just mental.

Why are there female apologists here, on the only website dedicated to wizardly endeavors, the only place on the internet that defends and respects male celibacy of all places?

Females are the origin of all our suffering and all the suffering of the collective human race, proven by the irrefutable fact of their unique role as stinky fuck holes that shit out children for their personal selfish enjoyment, desire, status and primal urge.

To them in their self serving justification, children should be grateful, but in reality females have to carefully conceal their sadistic, uncaring and casual indifference in their role of throwing a baby into this evil society to be logs of worthless shit, helplessly abused, used up and treated like disposable trash to be thrown away once they no longer have value.

Females are the bane of all wizardly existence, the origin of all wizardly suffering, the origin and the beginning of unquenchable wizardly desires, the dawning existence of the humble unsuspecting wizkids with aspirations of deserving their fair share of basic wizlet happiness.

Wizkids are naturally pure, innocent, busy with wizardly endeavors, wand enjoyers who love to conjure magic in their rooms, some evolving into wizardly figures recognized as a lively house ornament with unending loyalty and as a silent background figure always providing company for the house occupants to stave off their feelings of loneliness, some wizzies composting and blossoming into wise loyal hermit oracles, some a cared for sheltered recluse that has invaluable wizardly virtues. Some having to partake in the dog eat dog normalfag world of cliqued up social hierarchies all orbiting around female gynocentric pussy worship. The wizkid is a rare treasure in the modern world and must be protected.

The wizkid serves as a naturally innocent benevolent force of objective moral good, the entire existence of the wizkid stands in complete contrast to the naturally wicked existence of the human female, creatures that are unashamed in their sadistic self serving primitive impulses, unashamed in their vile intentions to scheme, lie, cheat, manipulate and swindle, but are instinctually smart enough to keep it hidden deep within, but eventually the infectious bio-waste that fills their souls leaks out in subtle almost unnoticeable slip ups that stupefies you into disbelief witnessing their casual cruel intentions. Once you finally learn how to notice thPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

You always make threads of "I will never be pretty enough", "I will never have a job because I am ugly", "I am horrible :(". Everything related to physical appearance, and complexes. The truth is already unpleasant, and pathetic that men , and especially chaste men, give importance to something as trivial as appearance.