/dep/ - Depression

My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring?
O my God, I cry in the day time, but thou hearest not; and in the night season, and am not silent.
But thou art holy, O thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel.
Our fathers trusted in thee: they trusted, and thou didst deliver them.
They cried unto thee, and were delivered: they trusted in thee, and were not confounded.
But I am a worm, and no man; a reproach of men, and despised of the people.
All they that see me laugh me to scorn: they shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying,
He trusted on the LORD[b] that he would deliver him: let him deliver him, seeing he delighted in him.
But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts.
I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly.
Be not far from me; for trouble is near; for there is none to help.
Many bulls have compassed me: strong bulls of Bashan have beset me round.
They gaped upon me with their mouths, as a ravening and a roaring lion.
I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels.
My strength is dried up like a potsherd; and my tongue cleaveth to my jaws; and thou hast brought me into the dust of death.
For dogs have compassed me: the assembly of the wicked have inclosed me: they pierced my hands and my feet.
I may tell all my bones: they look and stare upon me.
They part my garments among them, and cast lots upon my vesture.
But be not thou far from me, O LORD: O my strength, haste thee to help me.
Deliver my soul from the sword; my darling from the power of the dog.
Save me from the lion's mouth: for thou hast heard me from the horns of the unicorns.
I will declare thy name unto my brethren: in the midst of the congregation will I praise thee.
Ye that fear the LORD, praise him; all ye the seed of Jacob, glorify him; and fear him, all ye the seed of Israel.
For he hath not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath he hid his face from him; but when he cried unto him, he heard.
My praise shall be of thee in the great congregation: I will pay my vows before them that fear him.
The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever.
All the ends of the world shall remember and turn unto the LORD: and all the kindreds of the nations shall worship before thee.
For the kingdom is the LORD's: and he is the governor among the nations.
All they that be fat upon earth shall eat and worship: all they that go down to the dust shall bow before him: and none can keep alive his own soul.
A seed shall serve him; it shall be accounted to the LORD for a generation.
They shall come, and shall declare his righteousness unto a people that shall be born, that he hath done this.

I'm gonna quit my job
I can't do this
Dealing with normies while working in a fucking factory is a pain in the ass
2 months and half were maximum I could put up
All the money I made were spent on food because I'm depressed. Mom already provides me food. So why am I working anyway?

>>291267
Same situation. I had a psychotic episode and lost my job. Now I live at home and my parents don't bother me about it. I eat their food and stare at the wall all day. Like a dog or a cat.

I learned today that my father is terminally ill and will die in the coming week. I don't know what to do. I have been having a mental breakdown

Tonight at dawn
I have literally nothing to lose

suicidal urges started again basically as soon as I started therapy which I was forced into by my parents. I know it's because my parents are expecting the end result to be me as a normalfag wage slave. The idea of that being my goal again just makes me want to rope myself because I know I can't do it. When I could just sit here comfortably and get high watching TV and browsing chans I could imagine tolerating the rest of my life like that and the suicidal urges went away. The problem is that this is not sustainable long term, not unless my parents agree to it and have enough money for it which I doubt. Any time I need something I will have to rely on them. The shame will never go away. So really what to do, to try to be a normie wage slave even though I know I can't and it will be torture when I try or just sit back and neet it up for as long as I can get my parents to support me for?

>>291276
There are better ways to do it, I hate when people suffer needlessly

>>291279
>get high

Yeah, therapy isn't going to bring back all the brain cells you killed off with your drug abuse. It's over.

>>291282
No backseat suiciding. If you know a better method, then use it yourself.

>>291282
drop hanging would be my way. Good chance it breaks your neck and you die instantly. Otherwise you just strangle to death. Blood loss to the brain should happen fairly quickly so you go unconscious. It would be a very unpleasant 5 seconds as you feel your neck massively fucked up and then you fade to black. I think I would duct tape my hands together before I jump off the branch to resist the urge to fight it if it doesn't break my neck. I'm not sure what knots I would use to secure the rope to the tree branch though.

I wish I was smart

Grandpa is showing signs of dementia. Mom probably won't want to send him to an old folk's home (which I don't really blame her for, as they're awful in my country) and dad doesn't give a fuck.
It almost makes me want to get a job, at I won't have to be around him all day and won't be expected to take care of him. But then I remember that the only jobs I can get are dead-end minimum wage ones and that thought disappears.
Sorry about the blogpost. I have to vent or else I'll go crazy.

>>291287
why is your dad an asshole to grand pa?

>>291288
Dad's not an asshole to him, he'll raise his voice, but won't do anything else, for the most part he's indifferent.
Grandpa is an alcoholic who can't do anything properly. He smokes indoors making part of the house smell like shit, forgets burning cigarettes on the edge of furniture.

>>291289
you should do sole activities with grandpa, what do you think of it?

>>291282
Any recommendations?

sorry for all the posts. i wanted to say something but i cant. ill just keep it to myself and take it to the grave.
its very embarrassing. im very mentally ill. hopefully ill start getting better. nevermind and sorry.

>>291291
nta but I have that old paper if that might help you
idk how accurate or reliable it is

I got banned for 1 year.
I googled how to evade bans and nothing worked, so I kinda gave up and stopped even lurking here.
Remebered it just now and came back just to say FUCK YOU JANNIES!
I never did anything bad, why rangeban me just because my countrymen are assholes? Seriously fuck you.

>>291301
I hope i too will start getting better soon.

Just came back from the store and saw that I got distracted halfway through trimming my facial hair off. Damn I feel quite chagrined.

i hate living with roommates. some people are so filthy and inconsiderate its unbelievable. now i have to take time out of my day to do what their parents failed to in properly raising them.

>>291261
This album is the definition of Depression and Suicide. It's literally so fucking depressing

>>291308
>agony
How to measure agony if the person dies? Like, shotgun to head method, surviving person said: 'Well, actually it didn't really hurt, just a little sting, would do it again anytime'. Same with getting hit by a train.

>>291364
Joy Division's two only albums are perfect.

I am literally overdue. My life should have ended years ago. This is fucking ridiculous. And if it wasn't for my brain still making me feel ill, it would be really beautiful. I keep on having theses beautiful feelings of just being, being here, like fuck you universe, I am still here. And all the same I hate being, I think life is a mistake, a punishment, a fraud. But let's be honest. People that think they have nothing to lose are the biggest assholes around. They are actually awful persons by definition, even worse than fanatics and terrorists, who have a similar complex. So I have something to lose, it's the sense of being. But that's fine. Being humble is all right. My life sentence is served. And none of this helps. Do you like being here? No. Nobody can. It's too much to deal with to expect to like it here. How ironic people say life is a present. A present to throw away. Then all these posts here on wizchan. All these somewhat clever and intelligent takes on history, psychology, what it means to exist as we do. All that goes down the drain eventually. We are companions in suffering. But you are not my companion. You are just egoistic idiots, like me. You value the life of your mother, your father? Sure you do. And yet you are addicted to being alive. And yet you hate them for throwing you into this life. You do all of this at the same time. There is no difference here. You are not different from me, but you would never admit that. Which is fine. Everyone is completely isolated, solipsism is our forgotten reality we all deny and know that it's the truth.

sorry about my behavior. im very mentally ill. maybe ill change.
i wanted to say something but i cant and this is taking a lot of time so maybe ill just go. maybe i have a lot of things i want to say but maybe ill just keep it to myself and take it to the grave.
i cant communicate well. i dont know what i am supposed to say. it doesnt matter but sorry.

lol, my therapist just ragequit on me. I suppose my personality is so detestable that not even someone who is taking my money to talk to me will tolerate it.

>>291394
what you said you think made your psychatrist quit you lmao?

>>291394
What a shit therapist, his whole job is listening, if you can't do that you're a lousy therapist

>>291394
not always your fault, wizzie. it could just be that they have a full workload already, or they don't feel they have the ability to help you out with your particular issue. they should have given you a referral to another therapist tho.

>>291394
How do you even fall for such a scam?

>>291394
That happens quite often, actually. Most therapists won't even take 'difficult' or more 'broken' or socially incapable patients. Why? Because they have so many to chose from that they will only choose those that they are comfortable with. Therapists like easy work. Patients that don't want to eat shit and go the normalfag slave way are too much work for them.

My cat died yesterday, it had a stroke in my mom's room and just slowly stopped breathing. My mom was crying the entire time patting it but I honestly barely even cared; the poor thing had feline aids and was deathly skinny so I guess it's a good thing it's no longer in pain. It felt weird burying it, I had no intense feelings about it, just vague disappointment and apathy. I'm planning on relapsing on Heroin soon (after nearly 6 months) so I've been pumped about that as hard drugs are the only thing I've found that makes life tolerable - other than that, I've been smoking 3-7 cigs a day.

>>291411
Imagine feeding and loving a beast that could easily eat you alive if your size was proper to do so.

Apparently I'm selected to die. Not a big deal, but can't help feeling bad about it.

>>291513
Just throw a grenade at your superior officer and gta as far as you can go, keep one bullet to kys yourself for when caught

>>291514
Yeah gonna do precisely that.

Trying is frying.
Yeah pretty proud of this little rhyme. Gonna be my excuse for a while.

>>291267
Maybe you can still mess those normies for good, if they have been a problem to you, before getting fired. Think about some other wizards who could come after you, make the ground softer.

>25
>permanent heart damage suicide attempt at 20
>no one on earth
>don't have family that I talk to
>shut in
>may have had tuberculosis for five years since I was exposed to it at a mental hospital
>can't get it treated due to no transport, no money, no friends or family to help
>social anxiety so intense that I almost puked while talking to a cashier (first time I spoke to someone in 4 years) and ran out of the store forgetting my money and food
I hate living so much. I have had a wet cough for years that comes and goes. It could be from the heart failure, could also be TB. I have no options.

One of good things that were said in this website

>>291413
>imagine if thing was other thing!!1!1
bravo wizzie

Knowing somebody has it worse does not help in the least. If anything, it makes it even worse, because you know you still have a good length to descend yourself on your way down.

>>291526
Why?
Is it your job to save them or something?

>>291527
No my job is self destruction.

>>291276
You allowed your enemies, who brought into this state to win. You off yourself instead of them.

Stay away from us

>>291546
Fuck off nigger and go mass shoot your fellow Americans as much as you like.

Suicide is a major victory, provided you do it for the reasons of maintaining your superiority, and not because you pity yourself too much. Not counting those too mentally ill, they live parallel reality and have their right to take the vacation anytime they fell it's time.

>>291526
What makes me happy that no matter how crappy my life becomes, eventually others will just be miserable like me soon enough. I fucking hate individualism and only caring for yourself until the time comes when assholes like this>>291527 loses everyone in their life.

Well generally speaking it could go better, but I suppose it's good enough anyway. I'd even call it too good if somebody explained me why I still give a shit, but let's agree, that's something you'll only ever figure on your own, that is, never.

>>291548
Well, it is better to finish your bullies than finish yourself! Sorry if this is too antiwoke for your ass!
>suicide is major blah blah
>suicide maintains superiority
Cuckery. And also hypocrite since here you are, alive and yelling shit.

>>291548
You normalfags are the biggest cucks.

>>291548
What good is "being superior" if you're dead?

>>291548
I think this is an israeli jew, judging by his uneasy english and unfailing drive to get gentile wizards to kill themselves.

>>291359
living through that shit rn i have to text my roommate to tell him to clean his shit like im his dad

>>291555
What is good in killing a dozen of fags if you afterwards kill yourself or get in prison?

You know, wizards, I have tried my best, but it seems I'm going to be back to wizchan soon enough again.

^ what did he mean by that? are we not on wizchan????

>>291587
I have tried my best to avoid being depressed, but it seems I am about to fail, so yeah, I'm one leg in /dep/ already, though threads here are not very appealing to me with their relentless discussions about succubi, social validation and being a failure. Year to year. The same fucking thing. This place is insane, but it's not like there are many other places to be depressed. Here we go again, so to say.

>>291590
are the failed normies making you upset? man, when i am not mentoring them i just mock them for their mania

>>291604
Yeah but sometimes you have that crippling bout of depression when you feel nauseous and literally feel your stomach wringing. When in this state your tolerance is below zero and even benign asshole makes you feel so unbearably bad you want to vomit your life for good. I can't really meaningfully explain in, but sometimes I feel too shit and these kinds of people we talk about are not helping at all.

sorry for my behavior. im very mentally ill. maybe ill change. it doesnt matter but sorry.

>>291608
My wiz you're still here. I've wondering about what becomes of you while I was away from wizchan. I feel your posts very much, because while I don't seem to have (at least it's not immediately apparent) schizophrenia, I am stuck in the exactly same loop as you. I just try to do some shit that's supposed to make me happier, but I always end up more and more miserable. And the more desperate my attempts are the more devastating my failures. It is so fucking frustrating. I wish you learn to life such that your desires do not fail you.

>>291608
Even the pictures you choose. Sometimes I really feel like you wiz has been the closest poster to me out there, but I know that probably we're one hell of a difference.

You know, wizards, every time you think something is a lie, check yourself, and remember that it was not a lie, but it was you who believed in something, that isn't. Do not believe in anything. Do not expect anything. And you will not be disappointed. Don't believe me? I'm at it and going to figure it out. I am not certain yet, but it seems I will try to do that. I don't know. But if I ever succeed, I'll tell you, so whoever has ears hears me.

>>291611
>>291610
I get what he's writing too. Normaltards can't understand the feeling.

I have headache.

Headache is gone, the emptiness in my soul is still present though. I feel somewhat weird, but there is no helping it, so it seems like I'm going to wipe this thread again with my relentless woes. Or maybe I'll find the strength to check myself, after all it would be worth suicide if I haven't learnt a single thing after all those efforts at not being depressed.

I am a ukrainian wizard. Most likely I'm gonna end up in the army soon enough. The new mobilization law forces fighting age males to go to the complectation center to renew their personal info which means getting drafted if not outright then in the observable future. It can't be avoided. You have 60 days to do it, otherwise serious fines and some other issues.
The other day I already received a notice from the military that I need to go there and get my shit in order there. I am planning to go there at the end of next month and come what may. There won't be any other option anyway.
In truth, I've been hoping for such outcome for the last half a year. I won't have to experiment with roping or cutting or seek some other way to rush towards the exit. I will have access to a gun and my relatives won't be as hurt. I won't be remembered as a loser who just offed himself for no observable reason, but as a poor soul consumed by the fires of war. Plus I will leave them my flat, so they will be kinda reimbursed for the trouble.

I should feel at peace knowing that whatever happens next is outside my control. But the waiting is hard to bear. What ifs, what ifs, what ifs…

>>291667
Fucking run, Jesus Christ it's not a coward way to survive for yourself instead of dying for rich pricks. Run as far as you can or do anything to get the fuck out of that country.

>>291668
>run

I have a broken brain. No running away from that.
Even if I wanted to, the borders are closed and well-guarded and there is no escape from being a male citizen of Ukraine.

>>291669
r.i.p

>>291667
Exactly the same situation, exactly the same feelings. It seems like I should have made peace with dying long ago, but prolonged wait of death just makes this shit insanely hard to bear mentally. Sometimes I just with a missile fucking landed in my house and saved me the trouble.

>>291671
Надеюсь, все это скоро кончится, брат по несчастью.
I hope our suffering will end soon enough.

After 10+ years of barely leaving my room I drank one gulp of alcohol to have the courage to reply to a job vacancy near my home (to sit alone in the corner and sell stupid shit, miserable salary)
They asked for my short resume and asked many questions (i made up some lies)
Waited while sweating and shaking
They said I'm too old (i'm 35) and have little experience
The end.

>>291669
>>291671
can you make it to the border?

>>291698
Wait until stress level lowers and try again elsewhere. You will succeed.

>>291698
there's a specific antidepressant that makes people really confident as a byproduct. I'm having trouble finding it, but there are much better options than booze for this

>>291705
Thank you for your words.
I replied to a dish washing job vacancy, maybe they will reply in the morning.
>>291708
I avoid pharma products, but such specific stuff requires prescriptions most likely.

>>291701
Why bother? I am suicidal anyway.

>>291712
"Escaping" in the Europe is not going to help anyway. Europe is the same shithole, just looks prettier, basically glorified slavery, because the only difference is that you are not whipped to force you to work. It is just brutally over for us.

Fucking leave me be! Take away that bullshit of you, stupid normalfag monkeys! Damn, how is that possible that someone be so unbelievably stupid? They are not just braindead, they have no fucking brain cells at all. And their retardation has this funny way of living rent free in your head. Normalfags were a huge mistake.

"My participation in the sciences at this point is less out of any passion or mental necessity and more out of obligation. I’ve already come to the conclusion(of which I’ve yet to be convinced otherwise, only that the fact is of varying relevance) that I’m an upper midwit at best that has little to contribute to the sciences, especially as someone who claims to be interested in pure mathematics, probably the field that requires strong logical skills to even be considered mediocre. That’s all I would be. Mediocre. Perhaps if I grinded I’d be far happier(and more accomplished) as a writer or humanities student, because then I would only be expected to interpret the progress of humanity rather than add to it. Even my well-intentioned(and likely slightly more intelligent) peers have not managed to convince me otherwise. I don’t believe I have ever met a “topwit” such as those I describe(and subconsciously envy, since they are capable of providing the great achievements that I spent my whole life being expected to produce) and if I have I was too naïve(let’s put it bluntly, stupid) to identify them. I am obsessed with this concept of my own limitations.
So what now? Your mother wasn’t far from the truth whenshe said you expected to be “medicated and working at Home Depot” if not going into the sciences since we both know you’re too clumsy for a trade and too autistic for corporate/sales work. Do you simply just want to die? What stops you? To the best of your memory, it was a vestigial belief in the Christian afterlife(where suicide would certainly send your soul to eternal damnation) and also a fear that since your last moments would be spent with both your baseline fear and instinctual self-preservation instinct, your psyche would be trapped in a forever loop(from your perspective of least, since death cannot be perceived) of suffering, a biological damnation. That was what stopped you, not “the wind.”
You were entirely convinced that suicide was the moral(at least on a macro level), practical, ultimate option(unless you planned to run away from life entirely, facing homelessness), and yet you couldn’t do it. You held that burette in your hands sure that one less shitskin, one less faggot(or more) would be at least marginally better than just becoming a corpse by yourself, and yet your muscles softened. Why? You do not have the will to kill. You do not have the….no, I’m certain you do. When you choked Jax, you felt satisfied, even if the moral side of your brain regretted the action after. You could certainly kill, perhaps without remorse, if you wanted to. Your apprehension over whether your interest in the Bible is purely academic or based in a true faith(or at least open mind) holds you back. God restrains the mentally feeble like yourself. Whether that is viewed as necessary housekeeping or tyrannical is a matter of perspective. You’re reciting this off of hearsay, you’ve never investigated the topic or history of this matter yourself. Peak midwit.
Any philosophical inquiry worth its salt is based on the sciences as they exist at the time of writing. As science only becomes more branched and specialized, the amount of versatility, dedication and yes, brainpower of any competent(perhaps not even exceptional) philosopher will increase. If I believe that my brainpower is insufficient to make outstanding contributions to the physical sciences, and my personal shame does not allow me to engage with the life sciences, then I am not fit for the task. While writing has offered me solace at times, that was with the tacit assumption that I was assuaging myself the way a midwit should, interpretive tasks that are more a function of time than talent(language learning, literature reading, fan-fiction) and so were an attempt to accept this truth, not rebuke it.
I don’t have anything more to say on the matter. Even my traditional tirades(Mom, who I hope never finds this document, would just call it an “act” and give an explanation in plain English that sounded like gibberish to someone who’s brain can’t form any thought that’s not in the style of a “witty” quote tweet.)
I feel the need to talk more, but don’t have anything to say."

I feel I should clarify for context that "Jax" is the family dog. I caught him tearing out notebook pages and put my hand around his neck, choking for about 8 seconds. He didn't even struggle until the last one, upon which I let him go.

I must leave home. This is insufferable.

They fucking gaslight me with "simply get over it, just make a step" bullshit that drives me nauseous. I really wish my next step is out the window but it's third floor and I don't feel like surviving. I really need to either escape or kill myself, bur I don't have means to do either. If I don't make it out of here in two-three years I swear I'll cut my wrists for good and a bit of pain isn't gonna stop me. Just gotta kick a while longer. I feel like my brain is melting right now, can't think at all. It's really hard to get shit done when you can't think.

I don't care if this is the wrong thread. I'm probably going to fail a class that writes off any grade you get in it below an 80 and the worst part is that I actually did all the work competently at 78s and 79s for a lot of assignments, and this hag ogre of a teacher decided to have this rule apply to other assignments not stated to have it in the syllabus. I fucking hate school, I don't want to fucking be in $50000 of debt to make less than that a year just so I can have a job that isn't nutless monkey peon bullshit, NEETs can't stop fucking winning.

I won't boast about it being OCD, I don't know, but what I am sure about is that it's gonna get me killed at best and ruined for the rest of my life at worst. It's the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Not only it interferes with thinking, it does not allow me to get a full control of what I do and what I do not do. I am sort of in autopilot mode most of the time.

>>291778
That's probably nothing to you, but I root for you.

Oh fuck it. Forgot the sage. Yeah awesome.

got a job and i’m very glad but my biggest fear is playing itself out, my mother is using me as a wallet again. this shameless retard doesn’t seem to understand that i’m spending upwards of 1500 on her per month. the initial agreement was 900 monthly. she completely disgusts me where money is concerned, i hope i can move soon. i thought it would be as easy as picking out a hotel room but the place i was looking at has boric acid everywhere which isn’t a good fucking sign. glad i went in to view it in person.

this is scattered but i’m just pissed off.

i mean she’s throwing a tantrum right now because i didn’t give up her more money from my paycheck. you’ve gotten $1000 usd so far, that’s 1/4th, fucking fuck off you old bitch. 1000 usd monthly for a rat infested hovel is fucking awful

I'm really starting to despise all the people in the world who will tell you you're wrong but never even attempt to explain why.

It's been only three hours. I woke in the morning feeling anxiety over wasting time and almost felt full of energy. It's been only goddamn fucking three hours. I feel dead inside already, essentially spending all my efforts combating the urge to jump off a roof. What the fuck. Only three hours and I feel this wretched. It is incredible how insidiously mental health goes down over the years. I almost feel like my life is already over.

Everyone let me down today, but I've been relying on people my entire life, so it's my own fault. My car just switched off as I was driving on the oneway, I only managed to pull over to the side just in time. I've never really bothered with roadside AA insurance because I've always had jumppacks or friends or family to bail me out, but today.

>jumppack failed a few months ago, stopped holding a charge
>Flatmate who works nightshift was asleep with his phone out of battery
>other flatmate barely spoke english and refused to wake him up, not even able to comprehend what was going on
>dad had surgery recently and of course couldn't make it
>brother was across town moving out, strung me along with texts about how he'll make it soon but couldn't make it in the end (all understandable)
>mom turned up, faked health problems for attention again on the side of the highway and started screaming at me about how she can't handle this, then drove off in a rage.
>mom apparently turned up to my brother's new place and had another fake mental fit in front of him and his family, all because of me apparently.
>Hear that she's been ranting and raving about how I can't "Adult" and how I need to grow up

I don't know, it was weekend and after hour callout fees so I had to waste close to a month's savings just getting the thing home with a tow truck. I stunk like shit because what was supposed to be a quick trip turned into a day mission, and the tow truck lady's misses sitting next to me was visibly disgusted. I hate cars, I hate that I'm so reliant on such intricate pieces of shit and parts like alternators (it was the alternator in the end, I got mislead by a boomer relative who went into a fit of rage for me saying it was. I had it right the first guess) just seem to fail out of the blue and leave me stranded in odd places.

I'm mostly disappointed in myself for never bothering with roadside insurance. I just assumed I'd have savings for it and could save the difference, but I never have savings, because I'm a useless fucking poor that can't save for shit. But this is sort of a wake up call that I can't rely on other people, eventually everything fails and you're left alone. It was an intensely shitty day, but one of my own making.

>>291829
I know you feel sick and don't want to hear anything good about yourself, but you will get better. Your life will get better. You're not bad, nor useless, nor stupid. Shit happens, you loose often, not pleasant, but unavoidable. You'll get better wiz. I believe in you.

I am dangerously close to hating Spring. All these Sun, green, life returning to the world. I've come to unironically like the decay, stillness of Death. I like the world frozen and devoid of colors. All these flowers and happy people. What the fuck am I doing here. It seems like I'm lost, not supposed to live in this age and place.