/dep/ - Depression

That depends on what you're talking about. Do you mean whether my former dreams will ever come true? No, they won't.

it is impossible and I know it, ruined body, traumatised and slow mind, no money, etc. theoretically I regain a little bit of vitality, to mentally sit out my life as I truly am, maybe do some small things, and hang myself before I deterioate further

I don't have any hope of ever having a normal life, my fear of slowly drifting away from the people I know now will probably come true. But maybe I can still be financially successful.

We're not born to be happy.
This planet is not for us it is hostile.
Very few have a decent life without issues.

>>305241
Very well said. You need to have 0.01% tier luck to actually have a life worth living.

I've never actually had any type of dreams. I'm probably an NPC or whatever kids these days call it. There was a point in time where I wanted to have a lot of money but I've never actually seriously had my sights on any type of specific work or education.

Honestly, my life is full of the moments where I asked for this, and now I have to live with it. Feels lainpilled…



…guess I need to friendmaxx.

I wonder what are those normal things in life OP mentions. Because things like owning a home and the such are becoming more and more scarcer.

Three days ago was my birthday. I realized it when my mom hugged me and said, “HB, honey!” After that, I started thinking more — and I ended up cursing my own existence.

It feels impossible for me to live the life I wanted. I can’t isolate myself to read books or study music, math, and philosophy. I don’t even know if I would call that life a dream — maybe it is one. It feels so fucking annoying and utopian when I stop everything to think about it.

I think I’ll die in some stupid loneliness I once believed in. I stopped cutting myself, but I no longer take my meds for depression, schizoid personality disorder, and misanthropy.

Like another anon said, “We’re not born to be happy.” If that’s true, maybe all I can do is sit down and watch my whole life turn to dust in the wind.

Fuck.

>>305228
You just need dopamine. Take amisul pride at 200mg or less. Future is pointless. Dopamine makes present moment good. When present moment is good future doesn’t matter

no, not anymore. my final cope that carried me over the years was this notion that i could just change myself, figure out how i actually tick and reverse engineer myself into a normal human being. it never really worked out, but there was always this hope that i could stumble on it one day and make everything make sense, like a persistent puzzle. what broke me was realizing that i never had a chance in the first place, that biologically i was predetermined to end up where i am, regardless of my personality or psychology. there was nothing to change, i AM my body and circumstances, my mind is just a mirroring of that. there was no other way i could've turned out. people treat you based on what they see, how you make them feel, and i consistently brought out indifference or revulsion in others. as i grew into my final genetic form, people started openly being hostile to me in public and i was mocked before i could open my mouth. this fantasy that i could just change my feelings and fix everything no longer fit my lived experience. the world was inherently against me and there was nothing realistically i could do to change it. there was also nothing worth living for, as idealistic notions of "love" and "friendship" increasingly seemed to me like banal biological processes, people like you because you help them release the feel good chemicals. the most evil criminals had tons of friends and lovers because they had the right body shape, despite being scum that never had a metacognitive thought in their life, they enjoyed life, people went out of their way to help them because "there was something to them".

i'm all out of copes and suicide really seems to me like the only meaningful choice i could make. either suffer and endure for another 30-40 years until my disgusting body gives out, or i end it when it makes sense to end it. the world is evil and i cannot adapt to it because i'm weak. why shouldn't i just give up and roll the dice again?

>>306871
You hit the nail on its' head. We are predeterministic animals just like all other mammals or apes in nature.

Would you tell a deformed or weak ape if they just work enough on their personality they will get lots of females and sit in hot springs all day instead of the apes who happened to be born with good genetics?

No.

Would you tell a lion born with down syndrome he is going to overthrow the strongest lion in his territory if he is just determined enough?

We need to stop this self-improvement bullshit right here. The vast, vast majority of neurodivergent wizards will never mask to the point normies will accept it.

>>306883
>Dignity Act
Dignity for who exactly?

Well, yes, but not in the specific ways I hope. I have realized that birth is a lottery and you're either born into a bustling metropolis to rich, well-adjusted parents or a piss soaked trailer in the sticks to bums. I'm somewhere in the middle of that. I don't have exceptional talent or work ethic, sadly; I'm just a normal person. We don't live in a world where normal people like me (at least, in America) can expect that hard work will save them, and so I'm still in my childhood home, working a boring, okay-paying job I hate, budgeting for a possible frugal week (or days…) long vacation soon, etc.

I'm straying off the point, but basically, I think that, my poor circumstances considered and how awful I was when I was far younger, I'm doing okay. Growing up I never once thought I could have a casual conversation with coworkers where we gripe over the boss (I don't believe in any of it, I am just making "small talk") but I do this all the time now. Sometimes I feel valued at work. These are things that normies take for granted but I cherish them, even if I generally crave more.

>>308435
Oh, and by 'normal person' I mean I'm likely no lazier nor more talented than anyone else. I don't think "autism" (extreme lack of experience with human beings, ugliness, etc.) really factors into that. My output is similar to other peoples output.

Yes. I own my apartment and make ok money. I'm 6'2 tall and fit. I have hoped to find a girlfriend since I was 18.

I'm 33 now

>>305307
Barfdays are usually depressing, you're only aging now and they remind you of it

>>308479
>I have hoped to find a girlfriend since I was 18
BAN THIS MAN
>I'm 33 now
Oh.

>>305228
Sure but my concept of 'better' gets continually adjusted as I evaluate the limits of what I can do and what is realistic in this world. Way back when I wanted to have an epic stem job and make bank but over a decade later I failed at college and am working an easy going but not that great paying job and still live at home at almost 30 years old. I think most of human misery comes from the fact that we compare our lives with the lives we "should" be living, either from what others project onto us or the expectations and demands we have. I don't go hungry unless I willingly fast. Every now and again I get fast food or snacks, even if I don't get nearly as much satisfaction out of it as I used to. My job is okay really, far better than the stuff I've done in the past. I am living a comfortable life, all things considered. If my mom had kicked me out at age 18 like so many other parents apparently do, I would be either dead or homeless. Maybe I'll find a fun game to spend hundreds of hours in again some day. Or some other new hobby I'll enjoy. Those are the kinds of hopes I have at this point.

>>308479
lol. lmao even. when a succ back in middle school told me i've got no chance except maybe some desperate 3/10 foid i stopped trying. why spend time and effort to become a crab? i've worshipped disregard towards females since then.

>>305228
Yes but my standards aren't that high (or maybe they are since I'm having trouble achieving them, I dunno). I just want to be a NEET again and enjoy video games and anime. I hope I can save up enough to move to a country with a low cost of living and NEET there for a while. The enjoying vidya part is harder though, for that I'd need to fix my depression somehow which I am losing hope of ever doing. Therapy and medications haven't helped so far, but maybe if I just try one more medication…

I don't really want any "normal" things in life and never did, though. Even as a child I don't think I ever had a dream of any kind and just wanted to make it to the next day. Now I guess I just want to be comfy and entertained until my eventual demise. Everything is a distraction from the ticking clock of death anyways, may as well not stress too much about achieving things.

>>308493
meds killed your brain there's now no hope of curing your depression

>>308494
Dunno, I don't think they changed anything. I feel exactly the same as I was before them. No brain fog or anything like that. They did kill my peepee but that's kind of a good thing, I spend less time jerking off at least.

My version of "better" in the next 5 years not being as bad as I had expected.

>>308495
that was your wand now you can't cast semenballs what a shame

>>305228
I still cradled dreams of some sort of "improvement montage" at around 22-23, but my reality ate away at those.
I let my body go to a shocking degree.
I let my mind rot as well.
I somehow turned 30 last month and honestly I don't even know why I'm here or how I got here.
From an outside view I'm probably a retard. People really seem to treat me that way too. I mean really, if I wanted to change or do stuff I would have, right?

To an outsider I started having health issues yet never changed habits for good. Failed flunked never tried never applied … Stuff like that.
I can't even take action to pursue hobbies. Like a literal normalfag will be better at my childhood card game than me because I can no longer force myself to put effort even into that.
I'm nothing and I do nothing. I somehow got a blessed wagie job, but for how long they'll keep me… idk.

Do I HOPE for things to turn out well? I think I still do else why do I keep living aside from fear of oblivion?
Do I believe it will?
I no longer have much faith in this NPC that I am. No matter how much introspection I just don't know why I'm like this.
Perhaps it's a lack of true desires that could become goals. Who knows.

One thing for sure… time is damn vicious.

>>308505
>I still cradled dreams of some sort of "improvement montage" at around 22-23
i can relate

I’ve had the same dreams for years: to become independent, to have more free time, to have extra money for my own things, and to tackle my personal problems little by little. Over the years, however, I’ve scaled back these dreams to make them more realistic. It's possible that I'll never live on my own, and that this will be my life until I die. Still, I want to earn a little more money than what's necessary to buy food for my family. I plan to use that money to gradually solve some problems I’ve been dealing with for decades. Unfortunately, I’ll have to wait for that. As I said, I only earn enough to support my family. Whatever money I have left over, I give to my sister so she can save up to repair our car. It’s the only one we have.
Interestingly, I feel like my situation has worsened since we adopted another dog. After my dog died, I didn’t want any more pets. But my other sister, who’s 50, ignored me and brought home a dog that causes nothing but trouble. The worst part is that I can’t get mad at the damn animal. He’s trapped in this house, too.

>>308505
I still cradle dreams of improvement montage at my current age of 27. What else am I supposed to do? If I give up then I suffer and kill myself. If maintain the delusion and do little things that I believe will move me closer to my successful breakthrough then I'll at least feel slightly better before killing myself.

>I somehow got a blessed wagie job,
Maybe that explains why I haven't give up. I am a NEET so I don't have to make the decision to jump to a different ship. I have no ship to begin with so giving up is drowning.

>>308521
For what its worth, I was a NEET until 27 too.
I was going to kill myself that summer since I had no hopes of getting any job I could endure.
Then I somehow got one I can just about barely manage, even though it really is quite a huge blessing.

I don't really understand the last point though. If I were to lose my current job I'd be back to killing myself once money runs dry since there is no way I'll find another one like this.
Not many ships for the unskilled and not quite able bodied.

>>308522
I meant like sacrificing a safer path to chase your dreams or something. I guess not all self-improvement paths require quitting your job. I don't know what you want to achieve so I am mostly talking about myself. I wanted to learn an interesting skill like math or art and make money or something and I don't think I can manage to learn them if I have to wagecuck at the same time, not like I am disciplined enough now. If I have a tolerable job though, I think I'd find it a lot easier to give up and just coast for the rest of my life without trying anything new.

>>308524
>I don't think I can manage to learn them if I have to wagecuck at the same time, not like I am disciplined enough now. If I have a tolerable job though, I think I'd find it a lot easier to give up and just coast for the rest of my life without trying anything new.
Had similar thoughts. If I failed to pursue anything I care about while a NEET with nothing but time then what makes me believe I would ever make progress while a wagie?
Your second point is probably right. Of course you might be different, but to me it became a lot easier to justify letting go/giving up.

life is so great for me, but I am terrible at graphic design

>>308522
>barely manage

Honestly, /wiz/ could use a thread on lifehacks that make our wizard-tier jobs easier. We totally should make a literal cybergrimoire.

>>308524
I have no dreams.