/dep/ - Depression

I have pain every day in my abdomen and chest, no clue why, I usually get scared and ask my parents to bring me to the hospital but they don't do so and I'm not comfortable at the ER due to my disabilities, there is no way to remain sane when in pain I would like to receive palliative care but apparently if you don't have cancer they treat you as an addict and only prescribe placebo meds such as paracetamol and gabapentin

>>305426
i have chronic pain in every single part of my body and other symptoms 24/7, broken teeth, brain, stomach, throat, chest, back, skin issues, urological issues, i dont know what illness causes them cause i can't afford to know, im broke and my family is trash. hope i die since i have to kill myself immediately anyway.

>>305427
thats the case for most countries. if u want relief from pain u need opioids, and u have to buy them illegally from dark web or locally or through other methods depending on your country. your family is trash too.

>>305427
Sooooooo…

You say you feel pain *somewhere* in your abdomen plus *somewhere in your chest*. One can assume your body generates pain in some natural crevices of your food processing system.

Doctors and tests… can only assume: most common toxins and bio-hazards. You probably should try switching rooms within your house or try spending a day in an inn.

My another guess is - one of many - you may have a bad reaction for some common or semi-common food. Do you drink milk? Eat cheese? Mix whey? Some weird bacteria in it from your local food supplies may trigger your *super-sensitive* receptors no one else in the area has.

Another guess is, you have a "mild" allergy for some food that you eat weekly or bi-weekly yet which lasts. I am not experienced in battling food allergies so I can only assume.

Another food-related issue may happen if, for some reason, it hurts to process meat due to some kind of infestation transmitted by ticks. If you ever try going full vegan, though, make sure to get some supplements that have B12 vitamin and digestible iron.

Another random guess is, it's a manifestation of auto-brewery syndrome, but that's a wishful thinking of mine and nothing more :)

If you eat "slightly spicy" food, your gut may feel the burn even if your tongue does not. No doctor understood my issue until I abandoned the spices for an unrelated reason (the 'rona made me reconsider getting my fav spicy sauce and it stays that way since)

>>305433
sugary food may cause various kinds of inflammations or irritations.

Mind you, its only been only one whole cdntury since humans got access to cheap industry-grade sugar…

>Pain under left rib, feels hollow, sometimes sharp, mostly a dull constant pain

I drink less now, and don't eat as much sugar. Drink a lot more water. It's gone away for the most part by itself, doctors in the area didn't know or care what it was. Our doctors here are literal 2 digit morons who google your symptoms right in front of you - One even had to google the definition of the word 'chronic'. Clown show.

>Pain rightside just above the hip

Felt very tender and occasionally would also have sharp spikes that would last days. Again the healthier diet has entirely cured this.

Been dealing with gastritis-like throwing up, assumed it to be stress-related
Removed my 357racha-like spicy sauce from my diet.
Got better.
Quitted fizzy too.
Almost perfect now.

>>305541
I think a lot of pain and discomfort can be related to extremely high levels of sugar, and with todays food It is easy to achieve. People can quite easily exceed ten times the recommended daily amount for years on end.

I have chronic anal pain, I got it from hemmerhoids although I don't even really know if that's the cause of it anymore, I have a lot of overlapping symptoms with pelvic floor dysfunction as well; I'm wayy too embarrassed to get it checked out and I shit blood on occasion, I don't think it's fatal but I hope it is.

Imagine having enflamed veins in your asshole that gets worse with shitting and masturbation, makes you shit blood on and off and even makes your asshole leak mucus if it's really really bad, worst part? I got this when I was barely 18 years old.

Only thing I've found that's helped is pelvic floor exercises and taking SSRI's to kill sex drive so it gets somewhat better and stops it from getting worse.


0/10 tier experience. I feel robbed and jealous of people without chronic pain.

I really, REALLY hope you eat zero spicy food. If you do, cut it. Even if it's just some paprika - cut it!

>>305715
spicy food spicy life

I have these absolutely awful brain problems, hearing voices, minor hallucinations, nightmares, can barely think. I will hang myself this month.
>>305430
I'm sorry to hear this wizzie. I hope you get better or die, whatever it is you wish for.
>>305541
Congratulations, I hope you are happy, I wish I could say I was jealous, but my life was so empty and painful these brain problems just push me over the edge to end it, I was wishing for the end for a long time.

>>305427
Do you sit in a fucked up way or have back problems?

I have like 3 separate disc issues in my back (lumbar,neck, and mid back) and they cause all kinds of wonky pains that I went to all doctors I could find to figure out.
I reckon if you have a shit lifestyle and are neurotic like me you might just have the same thing.
Gastrointestinal issues like GERD/IBS or similar combined with a mid-back hernia.

The mid back hernia can press nerves that loop around to the front of your chest, like the lower ribs for example which can feel like "liver pain" even though your liver can't technically cause pain. If it hurts on the other side or both it can feel like some intestinal problem or a heart attack.
I had a panic attack as a result of this once which then of course pumped my BP to like 195/120 or so, but everything was clear.

Neck hernia/disc issues can cause you to wake up to completely numb arms, but it can also cause some very weird even sharp pains under your tongue/throat region.
Might think you got some kind of lymphatic cancer, but nah.

Lower back disc issues can cause dick problems, ejaculating hurts and you can have symptoms like you got a UTI that never heals despite 3 rounds of antibiotics.
Any wiz struggling with that just look up "pelvic floor exercises". That's the part that gets fucked by a bad lower back and the lifestyle that caused it.

Another wiz here went into greater details about the GI stuff: >>305433
For me cheese turned out to be a huge trigger. It literally feels like I'm dying. Sometimes because of the pains, but it screws with my bloodpressure in some ways too.
You can develop intolerance later on in life too it seems. I've been a life long cheese enjoyer myself.


>>305675
Had this experience 1:1, but my hems healed up with better diet and the most important part is fixing the pelvic floor issue.
As long as your muscles in the region are tense 24/7 your hems wont heal.
This is definitely a fixable problem.

Remember how I said I went to docs for 3 rounds of UTI treatment and all kinds of shit?
I had a "Cystoscopy", read, camera tube stuck up my dick by a doc with a succubus present … I had a colonoscopy twice and an endoscopy which basically means being violated by a camera tentacle on both ends.
They even blow your intestines up like a balloon during the colonoscopy and it hurts like hell.
All in all, I'm no longer ashamed or embarrassed by anything like this. I just don't give a fuck. You shouldn't either. We are all dying someday, suffering isn't worth it and shame, what shame?
People forget you by the next day because the doctors stick cameras up peoples ass all day. Even if they don't and you become a nameless joke they tell others, so what?
Pain isn't worth it.

For more practical advice, you can go to any pharmacy and pick up an anti-inflammation suppository if you can in your country without a prescription.
There are ones that use herbal remedies and are used for pelvic floor stuff. Side effect is that they lube up your ass so you'll strain less when you crap and that helps your hems as well obviously.
Pic rel. is the one you can get without a prescription, it is what I used once the prescriptions ones were out. Don't overuse NSAIDs or you'll have more issues.
Of course this isn't medical advice, talk to a doctor. Even if most of them are cunts, some can and do help.
I know it's a struggle. I'm a huge loser, working up the nerve and going to one was already my 110% but getting fucked with and having to find another after getting humiliated by some less professional ones is not fun… I know it sucks.

Try wizbro… You'll get used to the pain and eventually worse pains come, and you become complacent with those too and someday you wake up and your life is a nightmare…
Don't let that happen to yourself.

This and every other health thread made me realize something, I am relatively "healthy. Both on paper and partially in practice. As in my (incomplete, just the "main" ones) bloodwork is "excellent" for my age minus Vitamin D markers (that are actually EXTREMELY important) and probably low testosterone. In practice partially because I have no major aches, I know people my age who walk with a cane, or have already had major dental work done, yet they somehow seem full of energy despite all. I have no such things, or pain, or allergies.

But HOLY FUCK AM I SO INCREDIBLY T. I. R. E. D. that's my main issue, also suicidally induced ADHDesque (not diagnosed because parents were fucking retards who didn't "believe" in it, neither in nutrient deficiencies). So yeah, so far I've found no reliable way to improve this fatigue and/or extremely poor executive function. I eat well (maybe a bit carb heavy but I cannot change that as I'm a neet who doesn't get full choice in what he eats), I walk a lot or well I used to, sometimes I do light calysthenics. But it doesn't help. I suspect strongly that I have really fucking bad biofilms in my stomach due to shitty genetics as everyone in my mothers family suffered from either "depression" or straight up killed themselves or got cancer. Signs of a weak immune system, me thinks.

I drink all kind of teas, eat all kind of spices, eat liver and oyster sometimes. Take mineral and Vit B supplements with emphasys on B2, B6 and B12 which actually kinda of help but I hit a wall there. I fucking hate doctors for having filled me with antibiotics as a kid, and my mom for making me a C-section subhuman. It is very cruel when you learn more and realize how and why it happened. SO when you're a kid, bacteria make or break you. Whatever bacteria gets first inside your gut will colonize it for most of your life. You get the good bacteria, you will remain protected during times of sickness when your immune defenses are low, because well it colonized your body. But if you get the bad bacteria uh you're kinda FUCKED, because that's gonna make you a sickly, tired and weak person and when you push yourself past your limits and your immune system is at a low point well you don't have the fallback that people with good bacteria have. And you simply cannot change this unless through some really extreme sickness or method like extreme water fasting (months, literally) that kind of resets the whole thing.

I strongly believe this is why baby boomers seem immortal, and why younger generations are plagued by all sorts of early disease and are generally weak. It still blows my mind noticing how even on imageboards everyone fucking mogs my energy levels, they have jobs or immerse themselves fully in anime. I sleep most of the day and barely muster the concentration for a 3 hour movie.

I've thought that megadosing certain nutrients could help, megadosing B1 helped a bit, and I took sublingual B12 with some positive results. But overall my battery remains low, improvement is marginal. I've thought as a last resort that maybe I suffer from chronical sub-toxicity from mold and oxygen-poor air because my room sits on top of where a gas water heater sits but the room is generally ventilated enough. What could it be? I don't know but I'm really running out of time and budget. From all my research I did, those two things: bacteria and oxygenation/blood-flow seem to underpin basically every physical ailment or improvement. If your vasculature is fucked from early life distress, you're just not gonna make up for that nuh uh it doesn't work like that.

One odd thing I've noticed is how people with good teeth all seem to have incredibly high energy and resilience, turns out that the mouth is the best way to test for intracellular magnesium levels. They can be sickly or dumb or unhealthy otherwise, but it's like a good mouth is a symbol of potential because you just can fit so much more stuff in your 24hrs. I have no cavities, pain or abscess but my bite is stupidly open, I don't remember mouth breathing but I do remember always feeling out of air. I've considered also some subclinical problem with the way my genetics and metabolism process cholesterol (and choline), since it's so incredibly important for Vitamin D to do what it's supposed to do and thus for your body not being at the mercy of some bacteria that likes feeding on cookies despite everyone else being able to eat cookies. It's also super important for Testosterone and brain function. Idk man idk

>>305848
I don't want to go on a super long rant, but yeah I do envy people who have energy and focus to dedicate to something. Even the NEETs here.
When I was NEET for a decade I didn't do anything.
Now I can't even bother watching anime, I lose focus, it feels like effort. I have a lot of stuff I bought and it's collecting dust. (Hobby tools etc.)

Do you sleep well?
I'm going to get checked for sleep apnea once every other ailment I have is fixed.
I'm 99.99% convinced that is it. I have low blood oxygen and heart rate during sleep. My mother once recorded me and it sounds like I'm suffocating/dying even with mouth open.
Sleep apnea is basically a surefire way to get "anhedonia" which people claim here often.
Acid reflux is also a symptom.

Idk how reliable my numbers are, but my galaxy fit3 shows that I often hit sub90% blood oxygen, sometimes 80% and heart rate goes down to low 40s or 40 (it bottoms out at that).
Often have low HR and blood oxygen with a finger clip thing too.

So TL;DR I think you might be onto something with the oxygen thing.
For what it's worth I was born 1 month premature and also C-section. I have no input on the bacteria thing.

>>305849
>I have a lot of stuff I bought and it's collecting dust. (Hobby tools etc.)
I know that feel very well, wizbro. Hard drives, graphic card, tons of Steam games and terabytes of media. But they're just sitting there.

>Do you sleep well?
I'm not sure. There are rare days where I do wake up feeling rested, but I don't know if it was a good night of sleep or something else I did/took. I've caught myself sometimes waking up with my mouth open or dry mouth, but also I never use a pillow.

>I'm 99.99% convinced that is it. I have low blood oxygen and heart rate during sleep. My mother once recorded me and it sounds like I'm suffocating/dying even with mouth open.
>Sleep apnea is basically a surefire way to get "anhedonia" which people claim here often.
Interesting, my dad has sleep apnea but the oddest thing here is he too has so much higher energy levels than me, difference is he eats whatever and whenever he wants, he also has the ability to fall asleep when he wants. Zero insomnia ever. This has more to do with a proper circadian rhythm and sympathetic/parasympathetic and GABAergic system. I'm always anxious.

>Acid reflux is also a symptom.
I only get this when I go overboard with well-known reflux inducers like lemon juice and black pepper or parsley, these are strong bile and digestion(stomach acid) stimulators.

>Idk how reliable my numbers are
Yeah I'd honestly not trust those things, not that they have no purpose but more like they're only useful in hospital settings, for something that just "feels wrong" but you can't quite put your finger on I don't think they help. I remember reading for example during the covid days about the existence of "methemoglobinemia", "hemolysis" and "silent hypoxia" all giving false oximeter readings. I recommend you look up those terms someday.

>with the oxygen thing.
Think of your stomach as a sealed vs open bag of rotting food. They'll develop very different bacterial profiles. What happens when people die, what is the thing that bloats first? The stomach, we're meant to have a constant supply of oxygen. Now think of your cells, your mitochondria as tiny internal combustion engines, what happens when the fuel-air mix is poor? yeah. It's an oversimplifaction but I think it's good enough to explain the basis of it.

>born 1 month premature and also C-section
That and old parents is what time after time I find wizards and general lifelong neets tend to have in common.

Another thing that has me worried, and this is true suicide fuel is the phenomenom of 'sensitization/kindling' in mental illness (including depression). I barely understand this, it seems more related to the brain than your vascular system as a whole, but the outlook is even more grim because you're basically cornered into a situation where your threshold for "stress" (which ofc includes trying to force your body/mind to do things beyond it's natural energy levels) only gets lower, and lower, and lower and lower and lower and lower. Could my issues be rooted in something along those lines? I really hope not but man what a fucking shit hell world was I born into.

>>305848
>>305849
>>305856
It's inexplicable to me how you manage to make such long detailed posts about your personal condition displaying a high level of self reflection more than 98% of normalfags would be capable of yet at the same time complain about tiredness and anhedonic and or depressive symptoms as of you didn't have the drive and energy to do anything which in sum imho hints at the fact that it's much more of a channeling or filtering issue regarding where and how you spend your available energies more than anything else.

>>305857
>yet at the same time complain about tiredness and anhedonic and or depressive symptoms as of you didn't have the drive and energy to do anything which in sum imho hints at the fact that it's much more of a channeling or filtering issue regarding where and how you spend your available energies more than anything else.
You're assuming that I learned or concluded all of this overnight. Firstly if I've learned anything from life, in general, it's that you and me are almost certainly going to be wrong about our takes. That fact is what keeps me digging for answers so I try learning as much as possible, revisiting ideas and just ruminating in general. Secondly
>more than 98% of normalfags would be capable of yet
I mean if your life has gone mostly smoothly, why the fuck would you even care about self reflection? For a loser like myself, it becomes second nature. Think and think and think and think. "Why did this happen? Could it have been avoided?" but repeated over decades. Thirdly I'm in a positive mood right now, I took a 2 week caffeine break that I decided to end today.

>regarding where and how you spend your available energies more than anything else.
Well I know my life story, the same pattern has repeated over it. I bite more than I can chew basically, during college the first and second time I dropped out, first and second job before getting fired, the time I tried learning a new language (twice), the time I set up my desk to start drawing with a tablet and all that I never ever once bothered to use. And more. In between those failed projects I often took long rest periods, months, years even where years felt like days with brainfog, each time things went smoothly at first but I couldn't ever keep up. I really, REALLY wanted things to work out but alas here we are, falling asleep on my desk, or the jobsite despite my best efforts, it's not like I was spending my time back then making long posts about disease and life-success theories… I have little recollection of time between 2005-2008, 2011-2014, 2016-2018 and now 2022-2024. When you know you are alone, have no possibility of having a social circle or network to help you grow, learn and share and also learned that you can't stick to solo hobbies (which as I said I'm jelly of so many wizards being able to) your mind kind of starts going insane for answers and plans, over the years some answers come naturally. Also I was seriously sick in recent years, won't go into details I'm just gonna say I had a hypertensive urgency, my depression and anxiety were at the absolute lowest so I tried fixing myself as best as I could.

And then there is the little fact that the world changed quite a bit since 2020, things seem normal if you're a normalfag, but I guarantee you know of several people in real who got "mysteriously" "sick" recently, or who are coughing all day. It baffles me that more people don't have an interest in health issues, normalfags don't talk about it because they believe in the power of free will, lmao, or know they count on each other during rough times so it doesn't matter to them.

>>305848
>HOLY FUCK AM I SO INCREDIBLY T. I. R. E. D
relatable
>I suspect strongly that I have really fucking bad biofilms in my stomach due to shitty genetics as everyone in my mothers family suffered from either "depression" or straight up killed themselves or got cancer. Signs of a weak immune system, me thinks.

Also relatable. I wake up every morning and my stomach hurts and I have awful yellow diarrhea. My skin is also paper thin. I assume it has something to do with some sort of gut flora disruption.

My teeth are also shit despite me brushing after every time I eat and doing regular flossing.

>>305856
Stress is a very weird thing indeed. I was in denial about this as doctors kept trying to steer me towards the topic and yeah.
As time goes on my body is getting more sensitive even if my mind rejects the idea.
Panic attacks started happening. My body starting to basically shut down and killing itself for (to me) seemingly no reason.
It's a lot of things that added up over time I guess. Me… or my mind is already numb to a lot of the bad stuff that happens, but I guess subconsciously my body still takes damage.
Not much else I can ad unfortunately as I don't know what to do about it yet either.

>>305857
It's because that is the easiest thing to do. Spinning my wheels in my head, like I used to be an avid daydreamer… some might say maladaptive.
I'm unable to take action for the most part. Not even things that would benefit me unless I'm forced by circumstance.
Pain becomes unbearable enough I might go to the doctor once or twice and give up until it gets even worse if I don't find a solution.
Sometimes, rarely I find a short spark I grasp and do something for a bit, impulse buy supplies for a hobby I wanted to try for ages, then let it gather dust forever because the spark is gone.
Repeat that enough times and you'll be paralyzed from the thought of even trying something new again as the layers of dust on everything haunt you.

Typing here takes little more energy than thinking in my head. I'm anonymously posting, so who cares really? But the reward is disproportionate to the minor effort.
I get to enjoy others contributions to the thoughts I'm having already. Perhaps someday one will result in a spark that leads me to a real solution.

>>305858
We are oddly similar in many ways. As fate would have it I also had a hypertensive emergency a year and half ago.
It motivated me a bit initially, but eventually I realized all efforts amounted to nothing, and with basically noone in my life, no future etc. I just slid back to old habits.
One would think being made very aware of ones mortality would help with leading a more eventful life full of action and pursuit of ones desires/dreams etc. but I just found that I have no such things.
It might sound stupid to say, but I'm hardly attached to anything, and every time I try to pursue something it is a futile attempt at trying to force an interest, force that connection.

Yeah the pandemic event and all things surrounding it have changed the world forever. It really feels like the curtain call was made long ago and now a lot of people have gone mask off, the world marching towards the inevitable.
I'll be honest I'm scared. I had many negative experiences with medical professionals in those years as I refused to take the cure. I mean… I was a NEET at the time, barely ever left my room why would I bother, right?
My aunt got a brain clot and a heart attack shortly after taking it too. Still paralyzed on her left side.



Sort of a DISCLAIMER though. Especially in light of the "why don't you use this energy on something" remark. I really hope my posts don't come across as trying to sound edgy, or feeling like I'm "cool" saying any of this, about the lack of attachments etc.
I'm not happy with this. I'm lamenting my situation.

I've tried every normie meme possible, I'm turning 30 in spring and I physically feel and know with certainty that my supposed "best years" are far behind me.
The past leads to the present and sadly predicts the future.
I have found nothing I really enjoy, nothing I could latch on to, nothing worth spending my life on. Days go by faster than hours used to and now I can blink entire months away despite having a job fortunately enough.
Much suffering is on the horizon due to my inability to pursue anything. My lack of desire to even do so.

Surely some mental illness can explain it all, but I tried some of the pills they gave as well. Nothing works. I've read all the normie self help books too, tried many religions to an extent as well.
Crying and posting all this into the "void" in a sense here helps now at 2:13 AM a bit. Alleviates the pain just a tad. At these cursed hours of the day when my thoughts tend to spiral until my head hurts. Same old patterns, same old torment with no solution.
Feels like I'm bound from every direction and no matter where I pull or flail I'm just jerked back to the same spot by a hundred chains after the slightest movement.
At least while I type I'm still.

>>305870
Man this turned out way too long.
This stream of consciousness type nonsense might really not be worth reading.
I wish I was more coherent and concise.

>>305858
>I mean if your life has gone mostly smoothly, why the fuck would you even care about self reflection? For a loser like myself, it becomes second nature. Think and think and think and think.

Did it ever occur to your mind that actually you just 'like' doing this? That this is what you consider purposeful, desirable, enjoyable? Because I have had my times where I would be the same and I know that not too rarely I liked what I came up with.

>>305872
I think he described it as a developed habit / survival mechanism.
It's a maladaptive thing normies don't engage in because they usually have a smooth sailing life.
Normies also have social nets, they learn to act immediately and "jump right in" because what is the worst that could happen?
Someone will hook them up with another job or help pick themselves up again.
That is what they learn.

If you don't have that, are of meager means, poor health, lack of support structures you know that you are basically 3 mistakes away from homelessness.
At that point you have to endlessly think about things.
Sometimes that becomes debilitating because unfortunately in this world nothing is for granted and outcomes are not always clear.
If you try to do it the normie way the world will teach you to know your place.

Then again this is my take and experience/assumption here. I'm sure he will provide an answer as well.

>>305873
That’s a likely explanation yet personally if I would reflect the times in my life where I was thinking nonstop there are aspects of it that I miss like simply having an extensive coherent thought process and coming to a conclusion that seemed like the truth. At some point I even had to self learn a technique to deliberately cut the thinking process because it never stopped, effectively cutting me off from the physical and social world surrounding me.

>>305880
>At some point I even had to self learn a technique to deliberately cut the thinking process
i guess that makes you normal

>>305880
Would you elaborate on that a little? The technique I mean.

>yet personally if I would reflect the times in my life where I was thinking nonstop there are aspects of it that I miss like simply having an extensive coherent thought process and coming to a conclusion that seemed like the truth.

I tried writing about how we might diverge here, but I seem to fail at making a point. I hope I manage to get it across somehow.

I personally am not stuck on philosophical things where a truth or a semblance of it can be reached through reason. I'm stuck in mental loops related to decisions that need to be made in life to progress.
Every decision, every step you take has an opportunity cost. If your life is not really all that nice and you aren't all that capable, making the wrong ones is too costly.
Making no decision is also costly, but not as terrifying as making the wrong one.

Unfortunately if you are "traumatized" enough by your own history of incompetence you'll end up paralyzed whenever a decision needs to be made.
I'm stuck in a very zero sum / permanence mindset where I need to be sure every step is optimal before I take it.
Paralyzed because there are no such steps to take in my situation unfortunately.
I try to get out of it by just committing to something the second a sufficient impulse presents, like buying new equipment because the old one has rotted or failed etc., but often still end up regretting it, because the thing bought sucks despite months of research.

This applies to everything.
What career path to pick for a 30 year old exNEET with failing health? I can maybe finish one course in something if I put my all into it, but if I pick the wrong one and drop out for the 5th 6th or 7th time depending on how you count it I wont get another shot. I wont give myself another shot.

Decisions are hard and I envy people who can make one and stick to it because reality shows that most paths when walked long enough can bless you with success and satisfaction of some kind.

Back on topic on how this relates to the chronic pains, because I feel like I'm derailing. Even simple illnesses I once had turned into something serious because of inaction.
Negative experiences with doctors make me think twice about visiting one.
You put it off long enough and now your once simple back pain is a chronic degenerated disc or more like several. Which doctor should I go to? I only got money for 1 or 2 visits at most, if I go to the wrong one I'll be screwed. Should I take these meds despite it being possibly bad with my other ones? The pharma lady said they are toxic together, but the doctor I called back got mad at me for asking and said it's fine… what to do… I'm in pain… I take them and end up at the ER… what to do next?
Shit like this repeated enough times and bedrotting becomes the default.

Tooth pain? Hope it goes away. It doesn't. Go to the dentist, they tell you you are imagining it. You go to a paid dentist they do some xray/CT thing and they tell you you got like 8 bad teeth that are hard to notice without the imaging and you should come back in a month to get some fixed.
I go back and they tell me it's all fine forgetting the last time they told me the issues based on the imaging. I tell them and then they get mad and gaslight me that all is fine.
Stuck in some limbo. Do I go back for some future humiliation rituals or do I resign myself to a fate of pain? It is hard.

At some point the sum of all this results in pathological behavior. Indecision. I couldn't commit to a favorite color or flavor of ice cream because what if … I might just enjoy lemon more than chocolate, but if I pick either or both I'll miss out on pistachio.
To me buying a red shirt over a white one or vice versa became some sort of catastrophic event, a life changing decision that might derail it all and I'll have noone else to blame for it but myself.

I hope this makes sense and relates to the topic enough.
Part of this is inherited, my (divorced) mother is neurotic like me. I look more like her than my father too. Part of it is just negative experiences stacking.
I was limping from the lumbar disc problem (sciatic nerve goes through your leg) and for a year nobody would treat me and they sent me to a psychiatrist for pain syndrome (ie. its all in your head bucko).
Psych lady got super mad and sent me to get an MRI which then confirmed I wasn't pretending or anything…
Failure, rejection, fear all contribute to paralysis. At this point I don't trust myself in matters of subjective preferences either. I wish to get better.

>>305886
As a wiz from a country with free-but-red-tapey medical aid, I pretty much should start nagging for help NOW.

>>305907
Yeah better start now rather then when the pain becomes unbearable.
After all these years the only benefit I see in having socialized health care is that the private versions are well, not quite affordable, but not completely out of reach for those of meager means.
If you are in Eastern Europe you can just soft-bribe the doctors to get in faster and cheaper than going full private.

>>305911
Oh! I havee a spinal doctor here, who works both ways so… maybe…

>>305912
Yeah those are the ones that can "help" you most often.
Like you go to one of his private visits, pay with cash, no receipts or any papers for that and I got an MRI appointment for the public system in no time at 1/10 of the cost.
It's bullshit, but it's how the world works sadly.
I wish they didn't ban "gratitude money" or whatever you'd call it in English. Basically giving envelopes with cash to doctors to grease the wheels.
It used to be common public practice. Now you have to be a normie to navigate these situations properly. I struggle quite a bit with these unspoken things.