>>305809Without specifics I can't give much either.
I had some horrible things happen, I was also basically anorexic at the time, too weak to fight back, not equipped for what was to come… whatever.
>What did I do to deserve this fate?Nothing. I hate this so much, but I relate to blaming the self. Culture and everyone around you tells you it's your fault, endless championing of the self, ego of people that don't realize how much they have.
Sometimes I post whole rants here with a pic of a galton board. That's my take on life and to an extent, free will. You are just one of those steel balls, some fall to the side, lower odds, some to the middle. Are any of those on the margins to blame? Are they deserving of praise?
Don't blame yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. You did EXACTLY as much as you were capable to the best of your abilities at the time. All that was given to you are genetics and an environment that your genetic "gifts", your biology that it is forced to respond and adapt to.
Again, is the steel ball at fault that it hit the wrong wood peg? Did the steel ball decide its trajectory?
>I can pretend to be happy in moments of fantasy, but my baseline is always depression because I have been robbed so completely. I'm the same with all emotions except anger/sadness/despair, those come naturally. The rest I only really feel if I daydream of being someone else.
I relate to your post.
>I am 23 years old.I'm 30 in a few months. You can't undo anything, you can't reclaim the past. Accept what you are and try if you care and are able. Expectations need to lowered. Dreams need to be let go if you had any. It's fine.
It's either that or letting things get worse.
So how will your steel ball react to this peg? Fall into further despair or find some inexplicable sense of motivation and like some movie montage you pick yourself up by your bootstraps?
I reckon it will be some more years of bedrotting and despair until your pain becomes unbearable enough to force you to move or … worse.
I'd bet on that for sure.
Don't let it get you down though. It's fine. Even if you rot away for another decade it wont be your fault.
Nobody should really blame you. It just means that this is all your "gifts" amounted to. Of course others will blame you regardless, hell even your own mind might turn on you, since it seems it already has a habit of doing so.
Not like it getting to you or worsening your mental state is in your control really. Such is the way of us steel balls…
Maybe the next time around we will spawn equipped to handle the things we encounter.