/dep/ - Depression

Never look for psychiatric help, expecially as an addict. It was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I got addicted to ultra high doses of xanax 8-10x over maximum, and when I tried to get help, instead of tapering me which is what they do in every civilized country, they took me from 30 to 0 in a day. I had stroke symptoms, 60/40 bpm, i was teleporting in real life, i couldnt talk think or know what day it is, function or do anything. I spent 3 days falling on my knees under the doctor's office in the psychiatric hospital and got treated like an annoying fly. I wanted to call an ambulance to take me out of there, i called an ambulance on myself because I thought I had a stroke when I ran away out of my drugs, but nobody ever checked nor was interested in anything. My doctor was an ukrainian piece of shit that treated me like shit under his shoe. After 12 days in psychiatric prison i barely escaped by pretending to get better, and spent 3 weeks in a psychosis despite taking antipsychotics and antiseizure meds, i felt 24/7 heart attack, stroke and epilepsy symptoms. I also lost feeling in my body, i had visual, auditory, time perception problems, became and invalid that couldnt move or pick up a paper, eat, swallow, feeel thirst, pee, lost ability to control my muscles. If i took a bath i would swallow all the water and not feel it, i hit my head on everything and didnt even feel it, i could punch walls and not feel if i broke my bones. When I went to a private psychiatrist to get help, she saw me and said she doesn't deal with this and kicked me out the door after 30 seconds without letting me explain a single thing. I lost my mind, it has been completely destroyed and ruined to the point there's nothing left. After 5 weeks of this treatment and choking on water I thought i'll die anyway so I went back to my drugs and after taking 1 pill I got a better remission and improvement than over a month of their psychiatric treatment. I could actually feel things and i wanted to cry from happiness. But it was all temporary, and in the end i went back to my old habits, but now, they ruined it so that I get every single side effect from the drug that I never had before despite taking the same amount for a year straight. My physical health has also completely collapsed, I was unable to take a bath for a month, shave, eat, think, time moved 100x times slower and I experienced hell on earth worse than being torturted alive with worst cia methods. Now I have nothing left. I heard from 100 medical related people to go home and do drugs till I die if i dont want their 'treatment' in psych ward, they wont even check my physicals, and my body completely collapsed. I have severe stomach, genital, and teeth problems that hurt so much I beg satan to kill me and take me away from here and I can't do anything about it. If I didn't experience it myself I would not believe such a thing is possible, its worse than I've ever heard in even fantasy horror stories or the worst nightmares anyone can imagine. I went to hell on earth and got stuck there all due to my cowardice. f I knew this would have happened I would have burned myself alive and it would be nothing. The pain I feel now is so bad I can cut myself all over and it isn't even a prickle compared to the agony I go through. I want to murder people that did this to me but the only person I can kill is myself. Good thing I'm running out of drugs and I have to kill myself within one or two days if my other illnesses don't finish me off first. I'll do it even if I have to crawl there from my 4th floor apartment. It's a 3 minute walk to the train tracks, I feel nothing when I'm there and look at these trains. I have a defective brain that prevents me from ending my unbearable agony for years, while a 12 year old in my situation would instanly jump out the window or hanged himself. If I was american I would shoot my whole family and myself at least within an hour since they are all pathological mentally diseased defective pieces of human garbage. But my only realistic option is walking in front of a train and enjoying the end. Death is mercy that I don't deserve but I intend to take and if I could I would burn this whole world along with myself.