/dep/ - Depression

I'm being forced to stay alive by my parents and psychiatry, I have no freedom, they turned me into a disabled individual, I can't even order drugs because the mail is monitored, my life is absolute trash

They always talk about how important body language is. I'm 33. The last two days were the first days in my life where I actually tried to pay attention to this. And it's fucking scary. I feel as if I have found a new dimension of communication and I can't control it at all. It's funny how I get like 2 seconds of relaxation with the other person and then their face immediately goes to disgust or 'something is wrong with this man, better be careful, he's probably a dangerous person, I don't like him'. I never noticed that because I never dared to look because what I now found was what I expected and now I have evidence for my expectations. Time to back to ignoring again, this is way too stressful.

>>306160
It's too tiring for me to care about social masking too. I tried the just put yourself out there meme in college and got nothing out of it besides new cringe memories. I have decided that my approach to socialization is going to be numbing myself and accepting what happens next.

Neighbor from the below died. No more crepes and pierogi from here anymore. The former had better dough than my mother's dough. Female cat who relocated to my apartment was buried at her land, she used to visit her too as the doors were often open.

She died on the same spot where I had immense pain in my balls twice in different years due to blood pressure and something like fibromyalgia when I'd been walking for a short time for health reasons. It was near a bank. She didn't get her pension, was on her way.

The neighbor from above has nerve condition and chronic pain so the TV is on loud sometimes. This dead neighbor from the lower floor had TV loud due to age. Wonder who had it these past years on now that she died. After all it's unlikely that she would do that in the night while the female neighbor from above did that when she couldn't sleep due to pain in the night according to her words to her neighbor above who figured she had audio hallucinations.

Late nephew of my father died. His cat Martyn freezed to death when nephew's mother had thrown him away for pissing on the floor. There's stray animals here outside who don't freeze to death so maybe he had some health conditions additionally or was wet. Gruesome death.

I want to kill myself. I dont know how to deal anymore with my life. I managed to get better for a little bit, but everything is back to the same shit it is always being. I cant anymore. I dont know what I get from this place. I am dying. Sorry for posting but I honestly cant anymore. I need to die

>>306166
I'm in constant suffering too, I hope you feel better knowing you're not alone in the torment

Still dealing with sleep apnea & I literally see no way out. The gay medical system just wants to sell me useless big pharma shit. I already tried a CPAP machine but I can't sleep with that. Got jaw surgery but it didn't help. Now I'm about to get an oral appliance but I'm skeptical about it. They just want to sell you fucking archaic devices so that the jewish overlords make more money. They don't care if it actually solves your issues or not.
It's so frustrating to know that they invented easier, cheaper and more effective solutions like certain medications which could literally solve my chronic fatigue overnight, but those faggots will never prescribe it to me.

For years, I have been trying to change with great dedication, constantly thinking about how to make it happen. Even though I realized many times that I couldn't do it, I kept deceiving myself because I felt I had no other choice. At the end of five years, I have clearly understood that change is not possible. You are who you are. Now, I am thinking about how a lifetime will pass with social anxiety, OCD, laziness, and depression. Suicide isn't even an option; I wish I could do it, but it feels like the most remote possibility in life.

I wish smartphones never existed.

I may have to give up video games, porn and internet social connections. There is something fucked up with my brain. I am addicted too easily to things. Anything pleasurable become an obsession that I have to do all day,every day until I get sick of it. Even after turning the pc off, the excitement from the dopamine and adrenaline keeps me up until 4 even 7 am. No sleep inducement techniques can help when my body is in an agitated state. It is tragic because I am having fun with them and I am happy when I play video games or engage in these hedonistic pleasure. Now I have to give up on what I have been doing my whole life for a more boring existence. I am a 27 years old NEET and this condition have ruined my life since I was a teenager. I think it's a form of ADHD but I don't hear a lot of similar experiences in online ADHD spheres. I need to move forward and learn to become functional or I have to kill myself. Well I have been telling myself this since more than ten years ago and I never move a step closer to being disciplined. Maybe writing this down here will help me commit but I have written down similar pledge on wizchan years ago too and I did fuck all. But this time for sure. I have to stop this addiction or I have to die.

It's all a dream. It's not real. Nothing can touch me because I'm not really here. It's all nonsense and looping self-referential imagery. So I'll just watch the dream scenes float by my little walking windows and wait for it all to end. Pretty soon I'll wake up somewhere else, and it'll be like none of this ever happened, because it really didn't and is not happening.

I have developed these voices which mock, insult and interrupt every thought and emotional state i have. I'm barely there anymore, it is like i'm a host for these vile voices. I also get these disgusting dreams every night. How is such a ridicilous disease even possible, fuck. I plan on hanging myself this month.
>>306166
you don't need to apologise for posting, this thread is precisely for stuff like this

>>306175
Similar problem here. Had to give away my console to avoid playing too much without pleasure and such.

Archive.today is banned on Wikipedia for references. It's the only tool to archive Instagram better thadn the others. Japanese Megalodon has a sign in banner covering the screen, Ghostarchive and Internet Archive don't archive it. What if these minority of links get erased? Of course, social media are not a credible source, but if it's official, it can be an exemption (at least in other Wikipedia editions). The ban is local, Facebook also archives only there (if you know how, but no videos, not all comments and photos of a post). Compromised trust, shady views and origin or not, but for these minority cases it's like shooting yourself in a foot. WikiTravel user had beef with Archive.today founder, wikipedians make a shitfest over it, someone didn't get a good or featured article status, mentioned it briefly, and bullet point on wrestling themes and moves got deleted or changed into prose which is hard on the eye. Someone is a just retarded exclusionist and all announcers got deleted due to wikiproject decision (not just temporary or guest announcers, everyone, although in some articles it remains). The WikiTravel claim is something I didn't verified yet though. You reach the bottom only to find out it's not a bottom yet.

>>306165
I remembered how cat's owner was saying that Martyn had sick kidneys and his mother had said she would throw cat away outside in the cold for pissing or something. He said "Are you insane? If you do that, I'mma throw you outside instead". He was very emotional about it. I think my mother told me about it. However, she doesn't remember it now. It may be a fake memory but I'm sure it's not. Once he died, she threw away Martyn and he died from the cold.

It reminded me how drunk Jake Roberts put his python or whoever to the trunk and it freezed to death in winter. Not that being drunk with a history of being raped in Jack's case is an excuse for such animal abuse.

The amount of things necessary to allow just one single human to have a decent life is absolutely insane

The living space, the food, the transportation, clothes, garbage, technology, etc…this planet really has no future

>>306184
wouldn't be an issue if i wasn't surrounded by psychopaths

>>306184
And it's all progressed to isolate you and put you in debt instead of your happiness.

Father got diagnosed with an abnormal growth with possibility of malignant cancer. Yet the only thing stressing me out is how it'd affect my NEET life. If my dad become bedridden or something I'd have to wageslave. The guilt of NEETing (without bux) would be too much then. I told myself I'd suicide if I have to work but it suddenly seems too evil for my family now. I really am tired of life. Can't believe most humans don't have to deal with a problem like this. I am looking at 30 years of self-sacrifice, not even to make my family happy, but just to make their existence less miserable. It'd be more merciful if a giant meteor obliterate us all at once.

>>306175
I'll share some of my experience too if it's too long feel free to ignore. I often use these threads to just vent.
I'm 30, my computer has been my safe haven to cope my life away since I was 8 or so.
Before that, and in school even after I was just daydreaming away all day.

One of my biggest regrets is getting into league of legends during season 2 up until I finally quit much later on.
I spent well over 10k hours just playing (on my first account…), not to mention consuming content surrounding the game.
I was living and breathing it. I got the high ranks and whatnot, but for what?

I ruined my body permanently, I spent my "golden years", my youth on it and similar frivolous pursuits.
I did the whole welcome-to-the-nhk journey of pretending I'm going to college and coming up with a billion excuses for 8 FUCKING YEARS before I was forced out of neetdom.
Of course I have no skills or degree.

Basically spent my life daydreaming, cheap dopamine on the computer be it scrolling through thousands of chapters, or vidya and of course jerking off.
I regret it, I genuinely have some kind of ptsd reaction whenever league is mentioned. Reminds me that my life has been spent.
I also get easily addicted, it kinda runs in my family too. They are all hooked on some pills or alcohol/cigarettes etc.
For me it was energy drinks, like 2-3 cans a day for 20 years. Imagine the results… Only recently kicked the habit because my body forced me.


Maybe there is something magical about turning 30 after all.
Lately I was planning to hoard gooner material before the big internet lockdowns since I got like 30k bookmarks, but I haven't acted on it.
Somehow after every jerk off session I just feel like this shit doesn't do that much for me anymore, even though I've gone down the slippery slope of dragon chasing.
I feel the same about video games. It's just more effort to learn a new game than the non-existent joy I get out of it.
So maybe just give it another 2-3 years and you'll slowly get to this point as well.

Now this dissatisfaction could be your end too. If you are inclined to off yourself without the cheap pleasures to cope with.
I'm not saying I'm turning my life around, but I'm slowly doing more. The inaction is becoming more painful than taking action even if it's just minor shit like cleaning things up a bit, personal hygiene, small health stuff or just non fast-food style entertainment like some IRL hobbies.
Normies are somewhat right and these tiny steps do compound and things get easier, things get more satisfying too.

So why did all of this happen? Shit life.
Normies are motivated and rewarded by their biology, for us this just isn't the deck of cards we are spawned with. While I'm fine with it, life isn't meant to be spent on nothing either.
It's hard enough for those born normal to find enough meaning not to off themselves, let alone those who have none of the standard attachments in life.
I'm envious of wizards that have it all together, decent enough career to be independent, took care of their health, they have the ability to read long books and educate themselves, they have real curiosity and drive in them.
I often see those posts too.
So not all people fall into traps like I did that is clear as day. One could say this is just a personal failing of mine and I guess that is true too.



I'm curious though, do you still get real enjoyment out of games? Do you still have the ability to play one game after the other and look forward to the next one?
Are you staying up because it really is that enjoyable or did it turn into some sort of mask for the midnight depression spirals? Like you do it just to maintain a baseline or something?
Do you still jerk off because you are horny all the time and seek the pleasure or is it just something to do out of boredom, like some form of sedation?
I'm rather jealous if you still get the same feel-good-rewards from your brain at your age. Maybe I'm just burnt out and projecting.

>>306188
If you never worked you may be eligible for disability and your father too due to the tumor, I know it's not much but becoming a slave would just make your life hellish.

birthday in 2 days time, hitting a milestone age of 30 and will be harshly attacked for my lack of accomplishments despite the fact I'm one of the few in the whole family who has held down a job. Simply they just want me to have kids, I'm an only child so the pressure is on me, though it wont happen obviously. My grandma is senile now, she think's i'm turning 50 or 60 and asks where my kids are every time she visits or calls. Parents are boomering it up asking me the same whilst blowing the house money on gambling every week + paying 30 dollars PER PIZZA at the supermarket, which is just grated cheese and 4 slices of peperoni, I think they are the only customers who buy that…

It's getting warmer and now everything is ruined and infected with normalfags running the streets. AHHHHHHHH

>>306189
>I'm curious though, do you still get real enjoyment out of games? Do you still have the ability to play one game after the other and look forward to the next one?
I think I do actually at least for now. I often have the same problems of being anhedonic and not having the motivation to even play games or watch stuff which ended with me just doomscrolling or while youtube plays in the background. Usually last for a long period of time, then one day when my motivation is a little bit higher than usual, I start a game, got my first dopamine hit unexpectedly and ended up being addicted until I got burnt out or force myself to stop or it slowly fizzles out.

>Are you staying up because it really is that enjoyable or did it turn into some sort of mask for the midnight depression spirals? Like you do it just to maintain a baseline or something?
It depends. Back when I made that post I was really enjoying my game and wanted to see more of it. A lot of times it was just me not being able to keep away from doomscrolling my phone or something even though it feels terrible because having my dopamine got cut off feels even worse. Not touching my phone won't help me sleep either if I am too excited and I'd just lay down for 4-6 hours.

>Do you still jerk off because you are horny all the time and seek the pleasure or is it just something to do out of boredom, like some form of sedation?
Same with games. It's very inconsistent. Even my fetish has started to change too. Whereas I'd fap nothing but x everyday in the past, I cycle between different fetishes now depending on my mood. Though I'd say rather the actual act of masturbation, I am more addicted to the act of collecting porn. Dopamine is released in the anticipation of reward rather than when you obtain the reward after all. So hoarding porn I'll never fap to but while imagining the pleasure I'll get fapping to it is more pleasurable than masturbation.

>I'm rather jealous if you still get the same feel-good-rewards from your brain at your age.
I don't have much control over how I feel so I don't know what actually cause me to enjoy or not enjoy something. One thing I've noticed helping is enjoying things for what it is. For example, I've had some fun playing chess against bot opponents and getting my ass handed over to me in low difficulty due to stupid mistakes (think moving my queen right into an enemy piece's path because I wasn't paying attention). In the past I would cringe from the idea that I might be stupid and stop playing to save my ego. But accepting that losing and being stupid is okay, I am actually having fun. Same with tactical video games. I don't know what the lesson is here. Maybe don't take things seriously?

>>306195
Thanks for taking your time to respond.
I relate to two major points here, the hoarding aspect, the "hunt" really does give more dopamine than jerking off for me as well.

Your point about not taking things seriously is something I also concluded for myself, just failed to implement.
I'd research stuff like builds and classes forever to find the optimal path to enjoying something instead of playing. Then I'd never play.
I have pathfinder wrath downloaded for well over a year now like this.
I really should just boot things up and play, enjoy things for what they are as you say. I wish I wasn't stuck in these neurotic loops when it comes to simple decisions.

>>306196
>I'd research stuff like builds and classes forever to find the optimal path to enjoying something instead of playing. Then I'd never play.
Huh, now I realize the reason keep remaking new characters in RPG games like Skyrim because the anticipation of a new playthrough gives more dopamine than actually playing. Funny thing is that I've actually had a few saves where I played and progress a lot because I was running around finishing quests after quests but I enjoyed those playthrough less then when I made new level 1 characters dropped into random locations and just walked around looking at things.

Feeling like filling a void. But not hungry.

Two birds in the sky. Synchronised movements - now gliding, now flapping their wings - and directional changes all as if coordinated. Does such harmony bring them pleasure? For some reason this reminded me of the ancient Greeks: development of the body. And a sense that these creatures are even more ancient and noble. They represent a civilisation and culture far predating ours. How many millions of years older? Then an odd pair on the roof of a building - each apparently a different species, from colour and build. One bobbing its head at the other as if commenting on the activity below. And I, this inferior breed. Grounded. Can't endure cold nor heat. If from the same source, surely an aberration. If not, why am I here? Dream imagery; no need to look too deeply for a reason. Perhaps just to show the possibilities. It all seems so distant, spiralling higher and farther away. I remain ever rooted by the great magnet Earth. Would rather like to wake up now.

I don't have social anxiety but I feel exsitential dread every time I leave my flat and see youngsters. It's not even the couples that kill me inside, but loud boys who scream and laugh and walk in fucking packs like they own the town.
Oh, to be young again. But what am I saying, I lived the same sad life even when I was young.
I guess I envy them because they didn't waste their youth, unlike me. I spent every free minute in front of a computer screen, hidden from all the worries of the world. It was my one and only safe haven.
And then there are them… I wish I was like them during my teens. Loud and laughing and not afraid to make noise and be seen and having friends. Fuck teen love pill. Teen comradeship pill is the most bitter.
I'll never have it again, only years of wageslavery before me and sad gaming to drow my sorrows behind me.
The worst thing is that all my cherished memories are related to my computer screen. I never made real life memories, not in the way those youths did.
But then again, should I envy them? I don't know. I really don't know, man.

Some normies are genuinely happy huh? I don't want to let it end like this. Just appeal to spirituality to cope with suffering. Live your entire life unhappy saying it's the original sin or dukkha spouting shit like miserere nobis or emptiness is form. I want to give in to my passion and be happy. I want an anime climax ending. I want a catharsis. Some normies have happy lives like they come from a health insurance commercial and I am supposed to accept my lot in life? Chop wood carry water my ass. I can only do breathing exercises for so long.

Being poor and having to go through the humiliation ritual of talking to relatives you never talk to to borrow money is so depressing, but given the trajectory of the world as of today, March 8th, I think we should make the best use of the time we have left :)

it's going to get so much worse

>>306210
I always ask money to my grandpa, he is my credit card

>>306204
nice
>>306210
the most absurd thing to me about the worsening of the world is that it is self-inflicted
humanity is just a cringy teenage boy cutting itself ad infinitum

>>306210
>given the trajectory of the world as of today, March 8th
My inhibitions are getting lower and lower and I'm doing a lot of stuff on impulse I wouldn't normally do.
The feeling of an inevitable demise is getting stronger and stronger.
The only difference between me and some dude getting drone exploded right now is a hundred or so miles and basically dumb luck.
There is just no way the big bads are letting us all live in this post-AI world.

>>306213
we're all gonna die wiz we're all gonna die please help i don't know what to do wiz we're gonna die do you hear me? diiiiiieeeeeeee *sound of crying intensifies*

i totally get you, if i had a dollar to spare i'd just go ahead and do some crazy shit as it is i can barely afford to leave my room which is ironic since going outside is usually regarded as the way to improve your financial situation.

>>306214
Location matters a lot. I could leave my home, but then have to walk for an hour or two to get anywhere not completely dead.
Without a car getting a job is a serious uphill battle unless you spawned in the middle of a city.
Getting a car and maintaining it is so expensive it makes one question spending all that time working earning money just to keep sustaining yourself and your ability to keep working.

Idk if that last part made any sense.
I sure as hell don't see cows and sheep working their asses off just to be turned into meat for example. Why am I the only type of cattle that has to suffer for the privilege?
Hope that is more clear.
Fuck this.

I'll never become who I wanted to be. A hard fact to realize.

>>306220
Who did you want to be? I don't really remember having a clear vision of my future self as a kid.

>>306221
A respected musician and person. Not famous. Not wealthy. Respected… Probably sounds silly. Chronic illness makes this dream very blurry.

Born with a learning disability(was hiki after dropping out of highschool), got cancer in my late twenties and then 12 infusions of chemotherapy over 24 weeks. 2 years later(in remission) I start hearing voices. Went into psychosis and after 7 different antipsychotics I ended up with my brain completely fucked. None of them helped me and I still hear voices occasionally.

I'm so fucking stupid now it's tragic. I don't know what to do wizzie. I can't remember shit. I can't do basic math. I can't read because I forget instantly whatever I put in front of my eyes. Tried to explain this to my therapist (parents asked me to go) and she just said "Hmm, perhaps you're self-sabotaging"

Voices still pop up randomly to call me a faggot or to say they will torture me for eternity. Tried to get a job online but focusing for more than 10 minutes wipes me out and I fucking fall apart.

Numb, can't jerk off. Can't feel my fucking dick. Can't focus, think, or even brush my teeth or take a shower. It's so fucking hopeless.

>>306220
>A hard fact to realize
takes twenties to get used to it

>>306218
I think thinking of yourself and human beings as cattle is destructive. This modern model of just getting a job and living month to month is anti-human and I don't see why society imposes this on itself. I don't get why the suicide rate isn't like 20 percent.
>>306222
Sounds nice. It's sad how sickness can suddenly rob you from your life.

I absolutely have 0 idea on what to do, I only have confusion inside of my head, I do nothing aside of doomscrolling and masturbation the entire day, I even considered getting a job just to distract myself from the voice in my head and the soul crushing boredom.

>>306268
I know, I hate it, I am not even that horny at all, I just do it to distract myself, just sitting there the entire day is as difficult as it is for me once the intrusive thoughts start to crawl and the whole day and night I am just ruminating and overthinking, fapping for long hours feels great because it distracts me from my mind and my thoughts, I don't have money for hobbies like vidya either.

>>306270
>I don't have money for hobbies like vidya either.
wiz 400-500 bux to get some laptop and then just play good old games forever. don't need good hardware for them
>400-500 bux!?
i'm talking about new. though with these ram prices… lol idk actually. anyway cheap e-waste should be fine. just make sure it's amd because intel gpus are fucking trash

>grandmother is reaching 90 years of age
>hasn't been in the best of health for some time
>has had multiple surgeries over the past several months
>it has now come to the point where the doctors and even my dad and uncles are coming to terms with the reality that she wont be alive much longer
Despite having a relatively good relationship with my grandmother, this news hasn't actually effected me much. Learning that my grandmother is about to die, I feel like I should be more upset than I am, but I hardly feel a thing. Maybe it's my views on life and death, maybe it's my stoic nature, or maybe I'm just a cold bastard. I don't really know. I just don't feel much of anything.

>>306274
Sadly I live in a low-income country where the price you listed is too expensive for my standards since the average wage here is like 300 USDs a month and I am an unemployable shut-in/NEET, but at least you have it better than me, thank you for the suggestion.

>>306241
This sounds like absolute torture. I hear these disgusting voices literally every moment all day interrupting every single thought I have but I can still brush my teeth and go for walks. I'm hanging myself soon. I wish you good luck whatever it is you want, getting better or ending it.

>>306277
You can buy a refurbished ThinkPad and make some upgrades to your liking, or buy one that was already upgraded. They don't exceed 100-200$ in price and you can run simple indie games on them. Or, you can buy a cheap tablet and a controller and play emulated PS1 games on that tablet.
I don't recommend a phone for gaming, since most good games require a decent phone, but maybe you can buy some Chinese gaming phone like Nubia.

>>306281
They're evil beings, some kind of external parasite entity. Nobody really believes me (Why would they? It just sounds like insane mentally ill ramblings). I wish I had advice. Antipsychotics don't do shit for me, in fact they made me a lot worse with no help with the voices.

I hope you get better anon. I wish I had advice. I wish I could understand this disease. Oh well, Life is fucking shit and if you get unlucky you have no chance of happiness. I talk to other people with this problem and everyone is lost and paranoid. It's horrible.

>>306283
okay this sounds better for my situation, thanks Wiz-anon, hopefully I figure out something like that and i will be able to drop my unhealthy fapping habits

>>306284
dip in a ice bath and see what happens

I'm gonna die soon, and I dont know what to do before
Maybe there are things on my hard drive the world wants to see, I always wanted to publish my diaries and personal conversations as an archive as an artistic experience. But i'm not that much of an interesting human being. what would you do wizs? what would you do before ending your life? write a letter or just leave like that?

>>306306
idk i'd probably meltdown non stop for several days and maybe publish whatever files i accumulated over my few years of life. though i highly relate about not having anything worth publishing lol. i hope you're not suffering some illness and your situation improves and you keep living and posting on wizchan

>>306307
I have already made the choice I will not live more years with brain damage, i'm glad I got to post on this site for a while at least. I feel I need to do more but I have little williness to do so, it's kind of a shame.

>>306310
dont be sad be happy

>>306311
thank you for the generic advice I've heard hundreds of times

>>306312
Well just saying

I'm working towards removing everything from my phone and then I'll throw it away, phones are demonic

>>306276
I've had the same feeling multiple times, some family members died when I was young and expected to feel more but it never happened. I can't explain why because I don't understand myself, maybe some of us just accept death for what it is. You just move on and leave it at that

it's bad wizbros. just bad.

>>306324
Well, it could be worse, wizzie.

>>306325
used to be worse. now i'm just a broken nobody who can't do shit.

Wasn't able make a thread so posting here, fuck it.
Are you emotionally immature, wiz?
I remember I underwent a psych evaluation and they basically told me I'm a teenager stuck in a body of a grown ass man. Does it resonate with you? Like you stuck in your teenage years?
I'm easily annoyed and give up easily, additionally I just withdraw or throw a tantrum (figuratively speaking, of course) if things don't go my way. And damn, if I don't feel extreme envy when things are not about me.
Here are a list I've found on r*ddit of all places:
>Avoids accountability Blames others, external situations, or makes excuses rather than acknowledging personal responsibility.
>Poor emotional regulation Reacts explosively to small triggers, sulks, or withdraws instead of expressing feelings clearly.
>Defensive when criticised Cannot tolerate feedback without becoming angry, dismissive, or self-victimising.
>Difficulty empathising Struggles to understand or care about how their actions affect others, even when explained.
>Seeks immediate gratification Acts impulsively, prioritising short-term desires over long-term well-being or relationship health.
>Uses manipulation tactics Guilt-tripping, silent treatment, passive aggression, or playing the victim to control situations.
>Avoids difficult conversations Prefers to ghost, stonewall, or shut down rather than communicate openly.
>Sees relationships as transactional Only invests when they get something back, viewing love or care as currency.
>Struggles with boundaries Either imposes rigid rules on others or ignores boundaries entirely.
>External locus of control Believes life “happens to them,” lacking agency or responsibility over choices.
How much of that stuff resonates with you?
Frankly, some of the stuff on that list is abit dismissive. For example, "live happening to you." Does it not? Sometimes you can do everything right and still get the short end of the stick. Like, yeah, sometimes shit things happen to you and there is nothing you can do about it.
Another one are transactional relationships. Isn't that one true though? When I went to therapy, every therapist told me relationships are transactional and have a give and take dynamic to them. Well, what now?
Anyway, what's your opinion? Especially on emotional intelligence. Do you think EQ as legit as people say? Or is it a myth propagated by succs to make themselves look smarter?
Frankly, it's a bit like a punch in the gut to look real hard in the mirror so to say, and realize that you are really a little immature narcissist who has arrested development. But it's true in my case, I guess? But then again, who has right to say who is more mature and who isn't? I'm a working man, I make my own money, damn it! Isn't it adulting enough? How emotionally mature should one get to not be considered a manchild?
Well, what does it mean to you, wizard?

>>306327
>Are you emotionally immature, wiz?
No idea what that means, but I guess comparing myself to others, I am mentally around 15-17 years old.
>Does it resonate with you?
No. Nothing resonates with me any longer. I feel only pain and my life consists only of different kinds of triggers.
>I'm easily annoyed
Yeah and?
>give up easily
Yeah and?
>muh this or that
Yeah and?
>Here are a list I've found on r*ddit of all places
Bullshit mostly.
>Avoids accountability
Smart people do it too, because it's not respecting yourself to acknowledge any responsibility to the cattle.
>Poor emotional regulation
Looks ok to me. "Expressing feelings clearly" sounds like throwing a r*edditor tantrum, which is fucking annoying.
>Defensive
Looks ok to me.
>Difficulty empathising
It's normal to not give a shit about the cattle. Caring about them is not caring about yourself. I learned it from smart/successful people.
>Seeks immediate gratification
What else remains? There are no long term goals I could achieve that I care about.
>Uses manipulation tactics
The listed manipulation tactics are basically kindergarten-tier.
>Avoids difficult conversations
Because talking to retards is not respecting yourself. There's no reason to engage in difficult conversations if you don't lose anything by avoiding them.
>Sees relationships as transactional
It's not possible to establish any long term relationships with the scum of human beings. A bit unwizardly but I kinda get it why in ancient times it was ok to just rape a succubus and force her to be your wife, then enslave a bunch of guys by sheer force and make them treat you with respect on the point of a sword. This macabre kill-or-be-killed is the only form of relationships possible between hairless two legged monkeys that are currently raping Earth.
>Struggles with boundaries
That's right, get the fuck out of my life.
>External locus of control
This is the absolute state of life. I can't care to do shit and I can't force my brain to care when all I get for it is rape. The only choice you have is which food to buy and which job to wage on.
>How much of that stuff resonates with you?
Nothing. I could piss on all of it any day.
>and realize that you are really a little immature narcissist who has arrested development
This is not true. You just happened to be a misfit in this day and age, so the society raped you the fuck out of itself. Now your brain is just desperate to find a cope when there isn't any. In another day and age you could have been just fine the way you are.
>How emotionally mature should one get to not be considered a manchild?
Killing them while smiling and looking down on them with pitch black soulless eyes, twining their guts around your hands while they're still alive and writhe in this abhorrent agony. This is the only thing that makes them take you seriously. Dominance. There is no other language this scum understands.

This is basically why I am so bitter. I stand and the very bottom of this food chain. Being a wizard is the only cope I have left, but it doesn't give me tools to protect myself from this hellish planet of bloodsuckers.

I stand at*

Sorry my brain is completely melted today.

That ugly thing
Crouching on the chair
Clutches close yellowed skin
And greying hair
And sighs:
In pallid light of soul's waning flame,
Off bone candle-waxing flesh drains;
Brains and guts alike rejoin the shit they spawned:
Ceaseless floods of waste nourish the fronds,
Which also never die

I need to do lsd

>>306284
thank you. the voices constantly hurl abuse, and try to manipulate me by mimicking my thoughts. I really can not do this anymore

>>306327
I consider myself as a manchild in some ways. It is clear that I am somewhat stunted physically as well, but I don't think most of the listed things apply to me for the reasons whatever normie psych thinks they would.
Not to the extent it describes at the very least. I'm not overtly emotional in the way described (I'm generally deadpan), but I do think a lot of my decision making is based on whims.
I tend to over-analyze, get paralyzed because in this world such a thing as optimal doesn't really exist if you think about it long enough, and then after a long long time I get a burst of energy/frustration and take action in some direction.

>External locus of control Believes life “happens to them,” lacking agency or responsibility over choices.
This though for sure. I'm a big determinism believer and have made many posts using a galton board as an analogy to that.

>Avoids difficult conversations Prefers to ghost, stonewall, or shut down rather than communicate openly.
Another thing that you develop once you realize that people have no desire to engage in good faith about anything.
I don't care for politics etc. I have no skin in the game as the "dead end" of my family tree branch anyways, yet people are always super hostile if you don't just nod along in.
If you give your perspective, further gaslighting or dismissals based on some trait you have idk.

>Struggles with boundaries Either imposes rigid rules on others or ignores boundaries entirely.
Yeah maybe to an extent. Mostly the second part. I gave up on dealing with any of it and I have zero expectations for people, but I hold myself to a strict set of them.
Again developed due to experience, I know people care a lot how they are treated, but give zero shits about how they treat others. So it's reasonable to not expect anything from others, while acting in a manner not to offend.

>Avoids accountability Blames others, external situations, or makes excuses rather than acknowledging personal responsibility.
This is also true externally. I take a lot of responsibility at work whenever I make a mistake, but I also always make "excuses" in that, I justify WHY the mistake was made.
If I fuck up it's usually not out of tardiness or lack of care, it's either a lack of knowledge, ability or I simply wasn't given the tools to perform.
Making this clear is important to me, which usually comes off as some retard making excuses.
I always try to make it clear to normies that I 100% accept that I was at fault, but I need to be understood that it wasn't due to some moral failure on my part.

Therefore:
>Defensive when criticised Cannot tolerate feedback without becoming angry, dismissive, or self-victimising.
This is true from an outsider view too. I often try to JUSTIFY myself because I feel like I'm constantly misunderstood.
But then again, I was limping and a doctor sent me to a psych for "pain syndrome", had to pay out of pocket for a private doctor to get an MRI to prove I had a herniated disc…
So is it a surprise that I'm constantly defending my viewpoint when even pain I clearly experience is denied?
I criticize myself much harsher than a normie ever would. It's just that the 99 times I've gone above and beyond is never noted while the 1 time I fuck up is treated as some great moral failure with a whole humiliation ritual attached.
Which again, punishment, blame, "talking to" all fine, as long as it's not put in a way that makes it look like it was some moral failing.

>Sees relationships as transactional Only invests when they get something back, viewing love or care as currency.
I don't think I ever felt loved or felt love for anyone else. Mostly due to shit life circumstances.
Might be true, I always try to be the one to give more, because I assume normies keep track. (Life experience shows they actually do view things this way… so)
I "invest" without expectation though, because I have no expectations from others. For the best probably.

>Difficulty empathising Struggles to understand or care about how their actions affect others, even when explained.
I understand. I often try to get out of the way of others sometimes at personal cost.
>Seeks immediate gratification Acts impulsively, prioritising short-term desires over long-term well-being or relationship health.
Not for the gratification, but as describe, paralyzed by indecision and often unable to act even for my own self benefit (ie. go to a doctor when in pain) so the only times I do act is when I get the impulse.

TL:DR;
I feel fairly justified, but having written all this down I guess the trope fits. I just disagree with the presumed "why".


I believe normies live in a consensus reality, every unit beyond the self is some fairy tale that the masses have agreed to.
Society and all it's little aspects is like some warp entity made manifest that then in turn twists the normies further. It's like a bunch of monkey agreed to become fish, the world turned into an ocean and they in turn came to more deeply embody a school of said fish in self-reinforcing cycle.

EQ is a retarded cope in such a world. In nature, in reality, empathy is reserved for KIN, your kin, your family, or to an extent your tribe.
In an atomized world things can only be transactional.
A lot of the "be a man" "grow up" "be an adult" bullshit is the normie fish expecting you to throw yourself at the shark to save the shoal when you, atomized, have no skin in the game and they would never do the same for you.
It's just part of the mass delusions being forced on you like some cultists trying to give you some chaos god "blessing".
Go work overtime, pick up the slack of others, take another shift because Johnny needed to take their spawn to the doctor for the 10th time this month etc.
All of this is completely reasonable if it's done for kin.
Do you have any? People are just shaming us into a social contract that only ever benefits them.

>Frankly, it's a bit like a punch in the gut to look real hard in the mirror so to say, and realize that you are really a little immature narcissist who has arrested development
Again, fellow immature narcissist I guess… You have the symptoms, but you aren't diseased.
A lot of what is considered "adulting" or being a grown man is just molding yourself into a system you were never meant to function in.
As a wizard, having your own family to take care of, chasing sex, status etc. is just pointless.
Without the #1 imperative of reproduction why would people meaninglessly grind themselves down and adapt to the mass delusion of society normies manifested as I described?
There is simply no reason to.
If you make enough money to sustain yourself and whatever meaning and joy you can find in your life then that is more than any one of us here can hope for.
Which cattle aside from the human cattle is expected to provide for themselves, make themselves the fattest and most desirable, work themselves to death for the privilege of being slaughtered?


This whole post is longer than what is worth reading. Full of contradictions and pointless rants.

>>306335
Very good wizardly wizdom, wiz.
Really, this mature-immature dichotomy is just a way to filter out undesirables. When I skimmed through r*ddit to find this list, I've found a lot of comments from people who accused their parents/exes/bosses of being immature. Heck, I remember there was a book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It's more of a way to point fingers and call other people immature because… Uh, because they are, okay!?
I also can't help but find that dichotomy similar to empath-narcissist one. People do like to accuse their parents/exes/whatever of having NPD traits, but really this point is moot in our highly individual society.
For example, take Instagram. It's really is a the vanity fair of 21st century. I decided to make an empty account to see what my schoolmates were up to these days. I was quite shocked to find that even the ugliest succubi in our class had thousands of photos of their stupid faces, their greasy food, their flabby tits out on a beach, every minuscule thing they did on full display. And it's a normal practice. In fact, I was considered abnormal for not having Instagram with a profile full of pictures of me doing random shit. If it isn't a society of rampant narcissism, what is it?
Then what is a pathological self-importance? I was accused of being a self-important know-it-all by my immediate family only because I don't like people that much. Apparently, there is an approved way of having an unwarranted self-importance which is celebrated in society, and a negative one. The negative one is considered "immature" and the approved one is "celebrating yourself and knowing your worth."

>>306336
>Apparently, there is an approved way of having an unwarranted self-importance which is celebrated in society, and a negative one. The negative one is considered "immature" and the approved one is "celebrating yourself and knowing your worth."
Perfect summary.

>People do like to accuse
Like on the list, shifting blame etc. It's fine if they do it in the "acceptable" way.
The book you mention, the title alone, putting the blame on the individual, be it parent or child instead of calling out the greater causes.
A broken system, because it's easier to blame the homeless bum since tackling the grand delusion of society is akin to fighting god.

They can feel good about themselves since everything they got must have been earned, everything someone else suffers must have been deserved.

I just don't have anything to look forward to.
I'll never be happy.

Just want to share my three cents to the topic of emotional maturity and emotional neglecting parenthood rising up in /dep/ recently. I thought about this time and time again in the past whether I'm affected by it, if I'm a victim of neglecting parents, if this made me who I am, if I suffered from it and if it negatively influenced and hindered my personal development. And a few times I concluded that this must be the case and that even if I can't blame my parents or not even make them responsible for living in a purely random or deterministic universe (which from a practical point of view is the same) I now have a reason to not care about them anymore and dislike them. Well it turns out that these kind of conclusions and the thinking about these topics in general mostly was caused by literature regarding these topics, Reddit tier posts or youtube and social media gurus and influencers who want attention, and overlapping of feministic-psychiatric-therapeutic centred views which are destined to make a human spirit mentally ill as they interpret everything in a way that makes you ill and others responsible for your shortcomings, so as a reaction they can take your money and time to 'heal' you from this phantom pain.
In short I realised that there is absolutely no value to give in into this frame of emotional immaturity caused by other people. It's completely pointless and doesn't solve anything. If you want to seclude from your parents, that's fine; if you want to keep contact with them, that's fine, but don't waste time questioning your emotional capabilities. I think one has to find some kind of a attitude to go with the flow regarding emotions. The concept of maturity really is very important I think but it's not primarily emotional maturity which seems to be a rigged and harmful concept producing humans that are not okay with how they are. Maturity should rather be a general attitude of personal detachment from practical and social nuisances by realising that it never ends and trying to stay calm. We are never finished. It's not like well I finished school, finished uni, have a job, now I'm done, why the fuck am I still not happy yet and don't feel like I achieved anything? Instead it's a never ending process of dealing with what you are surrounded with, the objects, the people, the thoughts and emotions, the inner and outer world.

>>306340
Yeah at the end of the day endless analysis and debating causes isn't that useful. Only to the extent where it can help free oneself of self imposed shackles of (self)blame.
I too could blame my parents for a lot, quite rightly, but I've since listened to both their life stories and they too had harrowing experiences that shaped their person, their actions and reactions.

As you said, I decided to cut contact with one parent, and only have moderate interactions with the rest of the family. Endlessly dwelling and going back and forth is a waste, but "fixing" things isn't something worth pursuing in my life.
I don't know if this was part of the point you are making, but emotional maturity is a lot less important in my eyes as well compared to "maturity" of general ability if that makes any sense. The more things I'm able to handle IRL, the calmer I feel in general and the better I feel about life.
I have no appreciation towards stoicism, but the older I get the more reasonable part of it seems.
Emotions are fine, experiencing them as they come is fine, but I really need to keep working on ways to return to a baseline calmness once said emotions are processed.

I hope I'm getting my thoughts across on the last part. I just mean emotions need not be dug up over and over if a memory pops up again.
People get hung up on this with nostalgia too I feel, like trying to or digging up positive emotions instead of making and experiencing new ones.
A lot of depression is just an "evil" version of nostalgia where one, or where I can not let go without some magical, dreamed up and desired closure. A lot of bad experiences will never have a moment of catharsis and will never get neatly packaged and tucked away. One needs to grow beyond it I guess.

Would this align with your understanding of maturity here too?
Sorry if I completely derailed what you were trying to say. I just felt like writing down the thoughts your post sparked.

>>306338
this basically

>>306340
it makes sense to question yourself so you can figure stuff out over the years. what doesn't make sense is trying to fit your mind into the jewish rape frame that, as you said, always makes you seem mentally ill in comparison to their nonexistent reference. this is basically reinvented christianity lol.

>>306338
Yup. Was given the advice randomly to make longterm goals by a doctor, at length…
That is probably what I really need.
But I just don't have anything like that. I tried to come up with random stuff and force it, but nothing. No real desire or drive.
Wish I had some autistic obsession like so many others do.

>>306340
I gave it some thought, and really, I think parenting is not the cause. I think blaming everything on formative years, what experiences you've had, or which you didn't have, and so on. It's quite a neurotic way to look at life, and quite honestly, a faulty one.
You can have a perfect childhood and turn out a weird shut in, or you could endure abuse and neglect and still be able to fit in in the neatly placed boxes enforced by society.
Abuse and neglect, at their core, don't make sense and they are quite modern inventions. There is some truth to it, of course, I don't deny it. Beat a dog every day and the dog will turn out in a scared, shivering mess. Same with humans.
But! What makes it so ones can live through one minor trauma and get PTSD, while others can go through literal war zones and turn out fine? Modern psychiatry gives an explanation that the difference are expectations. If one is used to life of hunger, poverty and violence, more violence would hardly traumatize him. Meanwhile, if a secure person experiences grieve betrayal from the closest ones, he will be traumatized. Which is a weird way to look at things.
But it doesn't explain how some people can fit the society's norms and others act barely human. Maybe it's all genetics then? It might be so.

>>306346
Your genetics and how the machine they produce react to your environment, be it the literal material one or the people and experiences you have throughout time.
You have a default build and then slowly change and adapt.
Each adaptation then influences how you react to the next thing and then the next and so on.
Some things are called maladaptive for a reason. Only the extremely dumb normies are shocked if a beaten abused dog snarls or bites at a helping hand.

Suffering too is relative. This is why I don't outright dismiss "first world problems".
To some guy figuratively stubbing his toe might just be his equivalent of absolute misery while to you it's a non-factor.
Like a wizard wouldn't be pained by crab bullshit, but to the crustacean a dry pp is indeed a hellish existence.

Little metal ball goes tick-tock against the wooden pegs in the galton board.

hatred feeds hatred. pain multiples pain. this spiral permits no escape. "good" feelings exhaust themselves on their own, but hatred needs no source, it exists implicitly, waiting just there is the shadow. there is no escape. i'm going to meditate on suicide again.

>>306348
have you ever lost your thoughtfulness
into a cloud of hazy memories?
>>306356
i sometimes meditate on losing ones mind
what it's like to lack intelligence
or to lack awareness
what is really going on in the mind of a dog or a pig?
We just project our own perspective and try to imagine shrinking it down… but it's impossible to truly comprehend, the mind of a fly… unless you are a fly…

but so many of my own thoughts often fly away, caught in a web of fatal atrtaction…

it's inevitable, i'm losing my mind…

>>306357
>have you ever lost your thoughtfulness
>into a cloud of hazy memories?
I don't know what you mean. If you clarify I'm more than willing to engage as I've nothing better to do.

I often feel like a soulless NPC the more I reflect on my actions and behavior patterns, lack of desire, aspiration etc.

>>306357
>i sometimes meditate on losing ones mind
i needn't bother 'cause i've already lost mine. nihilism shattered me into digestible pieces, not hatred, rage and pain are making a porridge from the remains.

the only wish i have left is to fucking kill, murder with utter inhuman violence, to see them lose their voice screaming in agony. but a loser like me can't harm anyone.

i guess the my conclude in somewhat this way, i'll write some revenge healer tier power fantasy then hang myself like a sexually confused soyboy. everybody's gonna have a laff and then it'll be over.


i'm so fucking angry

>>306364
>digestible pieces, not
now
>i guess the my conclude
i guess my life will conclude

belated proofreedin

i've been lying on the floor for 3 hours, head completely empty. not even doom scrolling.

>>306367
I noticed in the past years since I lost my NEETdom I started to not even scroll or watch anything, but often just stare at nothing in particular for long stretches of time.
I used to be a "maladaptive" daydreamer, but my fantasies went from vivid to grey to nothing as well.

>head completely empty
At least that is an upside for the most part, is it not?

>>306368
yeah. i sometimes have dreams that are more vivid than reality. they're like nails in the coffin. had just one today. felt so much real than life i'm still completely befuddled.

>>306369
Can definitely relate to that too. Sometimes I still have insanely vivid dreams where I wake up and I'm shocked by the contrast of my reality.
At least it reminds me that the spark is not fully gone yet.

>>306370
>At least it reminds me that the spark is not fully gone yet.
this is so very relatable

Had a nightmare where I was trapped in a room full of huge worms. I tried to avoid stepping on them but I couldn't as the entire room was filled. I couldn't stop feeling them with my feet and underlegs. So gross.

Has anyone here been overly sheltered and protected by their parents to the degree they don't know how to do anything by themselves or take care of themselves whatsoever?
I still have not learnt how to tie lanced shoes despite pushing 30s

>>306386
30, mom still cooks, washes my clothes and pays the bills.

>>306386
Yes.

>>306386
Probably a lot of people here. Me included. But you should not worry since most of the basic stuff is pretty easy to do. I spent 24 years doing nothing by myself (Mom even went with me to pick up groceries around the corner). But i finally moved away october last year and had no other choice but to learn. I am pretty stupid, but was surprised at how fast it was for me to learn how to do the basics (laundry, food, cleaning, subway travelling, etc.) 1 month max I could do all that by myself with no help and minimum effort and anxiety. Most sheltered people should be fine I think. If you have the option you should milk it for all its convenience. Enjoy your parents while they're around. I read about parents that throw their kids out when they become legal adults and I feel pretty lucky in that regard.

Hadn't it been for my iniative I'd still have my ass wipped after a shit and spoon-fed.
Some things I still don't have the know-how, though.

>>306386
It's not the lack of knowledge that hold overprotected kids back. The knowledge can be learnt. What hurts us is the anxiety and self-doubt everytime we had to step out of what we are used to and in my case, depression and avolition that makes me feel too tired to try. A sheltered but highly motivated, resilient person can adjust easily.

A few days ago a forum I have been lurking for 12 years shut down. The whole time I lurked while watching people form friendships and lift eachother up. Even though I hardly posted at all, I felt like I knew them. Multiple times I wanted to join in but always stopped myself, I'm not really sure why. I don't understand myself or why I do things, I never intended to be a NEET but now I am one. The site has died but I will still be here confused, and just being an observer of my own life and those around me

>>306394
It's enviable to me when someone says they grew up in forums or chatrooms and can tell you about the interesting history and memes there. The first time I found a forum I was interested in as a kid I just lurked and never participated. After growing up I still barely participate in the stuff everybody in the chans were doing. I didn't consume the essential media. I didn't take part in the dramas. I browsed the same site as everybody else for just as long but I was never one of them.

>>306394
At least you got the memories of better times online. It's something.

I also regret never really contributing.
For some reason I have no issue writing insanely long word vomit posts here that nobody reads, but on sites with names attached I always super self moderated.
Usually typed out my thoughts and deleted it midway thinking "who cares what I have to say anyways".

Insecurity and shame stopped me from ever enjoying my life, youth etc.
I had my reasons sure, but eventually the reasons were insecurity from the past, trying to prevent further embarrassment or full on pariah status, so I left voluntarily in most situations or refused participation to prevent rejection.

This really shaped who I turned out to be.
I regret not participating on the early 2000s internet, I could have been creating stuff too, sharing stuff. I was always there.
I always had the opportunity. I always had the idea, dreaming of doing stuff, but never did.
I regret my inaction and withdrawal from life because there are never going to be opportunities like those ever again.
I'll never be young again. Fuck being 30+. A middle aged man. Mirrors are quite harrowing.

>just being an observer of my own life and those around me
I wonder how many wizards end up like this too. People like us escaped to the internet, but I feel like this trend of voyeurism is also likely really prevalent.
Social event, experiences, adventure, porn. All just watching others do such through a screen.
Hell you don't even need to play video games you could have just watched lets plays, those were popular too, though I preferred to play myself.

Did you only isolate yourself on this forum? I mean, ever had an online friend group or something that you were a tangible part of?

Lucky for you, I guess. I couldn't belong even on imageboards, even though I tried my beest.

Has anyone stepped aside from christianity?

>>306399
I did. I joined the Orthodox church when I was an adult on the advice of my religious dad. I was in a bad place then and thought God would help me.
I joined the Orthodox church since it's the most popular one in my country, but I was more drawn to Protestantism tbh.
Anyway, I left because I got really disappointed in it. I always doubted my faith and had a lot of questions that needed answering. My dad was very joyous to explain to me the basic rituals and customs, in fact he was beaming with happiness when he had a chance to explain to me which prayer to read in the morning and such.
But when it came to any question related to the dogma, both he and the priest got oddly defensive.
Either my dad or the priest, if I ask them something related to theology, they'd furrow their brows and got oddly defensive. Additionally, I tried reading the New Testament and I had some questions, but my priest just made an annoyed face and told me I'm being ridiculous and shouldn't read the canons, and just pray, pray, pray.
And it's like that with EVERYTHING. I once got confused on the purpose of prayer and asked around, since I didn't get why the prayer is important, if God is all-knowing and all that, he already knows what's on my mind and that I cherish Him every waking moment of my day. So, what's the purpose of prayer? Nooo, don't ask questions, your head will hurt!
I then decided to read the Bible on my own (I, in fact, never read the Bible before getting baptized) and was left even more confused, I guess that's why my priest discouraged me from reading it. I had so many questions, in fact, that my faith was gone.
I don't blame my priest, the parish people LOVED him and he was a good, patient and kind man. And I don't know what's other wizard's experiences were, but it was like that for me, and it wasn't for me. Unfortunately, I have a habit to ruminate on stuff and doubt myself, which led me to doubting my faith. It has nothing to do with the Bible or whatever, but how my brain just latched on every possibility to undermine my endeavours, even spiritual.
My dad said that sloth is the gravest of the deadly sins, and he is right. I'm slothful (as in, anxious and depressed) and it led me away from Christ.
I don't regret it, actually. Well, I made a fool of myself by getting baptized in the first place, but what's done is done.
I'm always happy when other anond and wizards get closer to God and join the church, it brings them purpose, but I myself, I guess I don't have a single religious bone in my body.

>>306400
I'm a Christian and if he really said you shouldn't read the New Testament something is really wrong.
Anyway if your faith is really gone maybe try to find peace and happiness in a different way. That is what this religion does to me.
>>306399
I don't think atheists really can live on their own. I once took a look on the atheism subreddit and literally every post was bitching about Christianity in some way. No theories about evolution or simulation, just endless complaining about religion, which is what atheism really is about. (I'm not saying you are an atheist)

>>306399
I've always believed in my own gods. If a nigger in a white apron is entitled to conceiving deities, so am I. My gods are more fun, though.

Though I can't deny the christian influence on me.

this is an old topic, but still. how the fuck can you believe in god in this world. are you nuts

>>306396
I'm sorry for not replying sooner, I used to have an internet friend group but just stopped going online after I couldn't shake the feeling I didn't belong. Social connection did not come naturally for me compared to everyone else and eventually it painful for myself. Nobody had conflict with me, it was just too much after struggling to speak every time. Most social interactions today are gated behind voice chat, I can't help but being reminded of who I am listening to myself.

>For some reason I have no issue writing insanely long word vomit posts here that nobody reads, but on sites with names attached I always super self moderated.

It feels nice to hide behind anonymity. Even with an alias people form a perception of you, and eventually a reputation. Then it just feels like real life again.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer. His insurance doesn't cover it. We'd have to wring out all the money from this household and more for treatment. I am a 27 years old NEET who never worked and have no skills. I don't know what to do now. I don't have any future. I never had any but I think before I had some faint dream of taking my time dealing with my mental issues or discovering my calling and I'd emerge as someone completely ready to face the world and find my happiness. But I ran out of time. There is no more hope for me or my family. We are just destined to be unhappy. The hell am I supposed to do now? I am supposed to get a job but I know that I just don't have it in me. The world is too painful for me. I can't face the world and I lost my refuge from the world. I deserved it too. My own dad got cancer and I can only think of myself. It really is over. Things getting better is a lie.

>>306428
this is only a beginning. get your shit ready for a storm, wizbro.

You know what's one of the most prominent problems of being mentally ill? When something goes wrong, your anxiety triples as you vainly try to figure out if it's your fault, or theirs. How could I know? I have so little agency and my memory is so bad it's totally possible that I was the cause. Or maybe not, after all I'm not completely degenerate and more or less understand the causality of events. Fuck.

>>306431
I'm schizophrenic and when I try to think clearly about people's behavior these voices interrupt my thinking and try to make me believe delusions. like they claim they have manipulated other people's thoughts by hiding and subtly pretending to be their own thoughts, forming a hivemind. So sometimes I see someone doing something, I wonder why or how they are doing it, and the voices shout I AM DOING THIS. pure delusion ofcourse. this condition is hard to live with, it gets hard to think with these voices constantly interrupting me. i don't know what illness you have but the only way out is trying to gain some clarity

>>306431
>How could I know?
Why should you care?

>>306433
there goes the way to domination. i shall never yield

>>306431
>You know what's one of the most prominent problems of being mentally ill?

The biggest problem with being mentally ill is I have no initiative whatsoever. I can't start tasks. I just sit completely inert for hours doing nothing but thinking about doing things but never actually doing them. I tried drugs but they do nothing but make me jerk off for hours.

Let's say I was dealt a blow like, figurately speaking, twice the impact I originally striked, that I had coming what I got, that I had already foreseen the consequences and still acted insolently on people that never did anything to me but whom are bastards and deserve to rot in hell for being a bunch of fucking edgelords/clout chasers (at least from my point of view).

Should I act upon and take revenge or "take it like a man" and move on? I could say it's petty nonsense but stills hurts my pride.

Of course, I would have to bid time and resources I don't have yet to pull something like this off, they live a thousand miles away but my senses tell me I would feel way more calmer.

Lesson here, I shouldn't have never tried to engage with people in the first place…

can't feel anything, haven't in so long that I forgot how happiness and sadness feel like… I am an observer. I lost the ability to even try, and my illness is only getting worse

I just realized that the computer game of my dream just doesn't exist.

It's pretty blackpilling having several relatives that are successful in business and just seeing them favor actively hostile employees out of vibes while repetitively shitting on the hardworking ones they have a personal distaste for. I've sat down for lunch where they've just gossiped about their workers and it's just so arbitrary and petty. There's so many people I personally know that do nothing wrong that get hatred for being a bit different, and so many people actively hostile that get coddled. I can say for certain that that high school tier mentality never ends.

It's also staggering the amount of disproportionate nepotism that goes towards the succubi. They're instantly placed in office roles in their early twenties and pretty much flout doing actual work, have several cigarette breaks a day, and act like bratty siblings sabotaging the male relatives that are out in the field working. I'm not working for the family because I don't want to be part of that drama, but it's like 3x the amount of pay being funneled to the aunts and female cousins compared to my male relatives, and it's all the men being shat on despite doing 55 hours+ a week. And looking at other family businesses, it's the same gendered vibe. There's a form of Saturn devouring his son where men are treated like potential competition while succubi are harmless. In fact, many of these small businesses like having basically useless succubi on the payroll because the male ego likes to be patronized and worshipped by succubi dependent on him, it's like a luxury good. Many of these guys get in as teenagers, and they do get opportunity, but man do they pay for it with humiliation, insults and outright sabotage. By the time they're in their late twenties they come out jaded and just become distant from their relatives. Some end up cutting off entire portions of the family entirely.

Every second person I've known that has gone into business for himself has been a disagreeable annoying fuckwit that can't take orders, so he has no choice, or is someone so arrogant and domineering they don't mind working 70+ hours a week just to feel in control. Most of these people aren't even making much money relative to the effort and stress required, and end up socially alienated as you can't really socialize with your underlings. I feel like anyone normal that's intelligent just burrows away in some large corporation, carves out a niche, and lives a stress free life.

All I do is listen to black metal.

i'm feeling so horny it's killing me. fucking satanic

>>306448
Notice how while some pop shit/vocaloids/other pretentious shit gets a modicum of discussion even on imageboards, the discussion on real metal is dead even on metal archives. The few times somebody tried to stir real metal discussion on various boards I've visited, it never went anywhere. I wonder why.

>>306448
Have you given dungeon synth a try?

How do you become okay with being below average in almost every metric? I thought I had surrendered to that truth but it keeps coming back and it always leads me to near-suicide. I can't even jerk off anymore for fuck's sake, I know who I'm looking at wouldn't touch me with a ten foot pole.

Going on 4 months of the bleakest time of my adult life, eclipsing death of my parents and stuff like that.

Nothing really happened. Saved up a lot, was looking forward to enjoying rest and creative work for years, but all I was met with has been my mind torturing me day in day out.

You think the worst is behind you, but then the simple act of existing becomes so unbearable with no end in sight, you can't even remember what it was like to feel alright.

You realize what you've always known: that none of the mantras about having skills, working hard, making money, achieving freedom ever meant anything in the first place.

Everyone and everything made it clear I am not welcome in this world.
Existence was inflicted on me by parents that resented me. They couldn't bear their loneliness, so they passed on a life of torture and not ever belonging to their unwanted offspring.

I have nothing left inside other than anhedonia and negative thoughts and it feels like life has run it's course. No longer existing is the only imaginary comfort that remains.

>>306448
do you recommend any songs?

>>306486
It's okay to feel this way. These emotions are to be experienced. Don't try to solve them.

When I feel down, I lean into the feeling and allow myself to feel whatever misery. Sometimes I describe the feeling on paper and make characters out of it.

They're just emotions at the end of the day. Feeling them isn't the same as slavery to them, it just means you have a soul.

>>306485
You dont become okay. You endure it as a form of acceptance. Eventually, your mind will get tired of feeling miserable about it and will move onto happier things. After all, even if you're below average, the process itself is what matters, not how you show up to it.

>>306496
I've already moved on again, as you said. The question is how to stop it from coming back, maybe I don't know how to accept things.

>>306485
That's why you don't watch real actors, never. Make a break and then return only to none real material it will change your life.

>>306485
Accept the pain and despair.

I don't even bother with trying things like hobbies or vidya anymore
even if something makes me "happy", that happiness is fleeting and eventually I'm back at the baseline where I curse everyone responsible for me being born.
all I crave is to go back to the unconscious void where I once belonged in, a void where there's no noise, no thoughts, nothing, not even myself.
being alive is so fucking exhausting man…

>>306486
>Existence was inflicted on me by parents that resented me. They couldn't bear their loneliness, so they passed on a life of torture and not ever belonging to their unwanted offspring.

I was thinking about something similar recently, after reading a quote by Samuel Butler about reproduction: "Its base must be looked for not in the desire of the parents to reproduce but in the discontent of the germs with their surroundings inside those parents, and a desire on their part to have a separate maintenance."

I think he meant it rather differently, but it occurred to me that you could view reproduction as a build-up of "internal pressure" from certain impulses, which causes a desire to release that pressure, like one passes a stool. So, for example, a parent who hates himself "releases" the self-hatred as/into a child, and then, freed from the self-hatred, hates the child instead. This can explain why some parents can be so unsympathetic to children going through the same problems they went through themselves, or become irrationally angry over minor things the child does "wrong." They have actually externalised aspects of their own selves, which aspects develop into separate and conscious individuals. I do think this is a perversion of the natural process, because it seems like many people (and animals) don't experience this kind of familial relationship.

This is also more or less a premise of the Star Trek TNG episode "Skin of Evil." A race sheds their "evil" qualities to become perfect and beautiful, and what they shed is left behind as a sentient being, essentially the embodiment of qualities like loneliness, emptiness and rage. Interestingly, the writers decided to give the "skin" immortality, so it would suffer forever.

Wizards won.
Society is falling apart just like what happened in Japan and Korea. Crabs are now just normal guys.
Be depressed, but don't ever tell yourself you're delusional or wrong. Wizards won.
>being right doesn't mean you won
yes it does. no i wont elaborate

We can talk about mental issues, spirituality or socioeconomics but in the end what we need is an interest in life. Curiosity, excitement, wonder, inspiration. Anything that instills an anticipation of reward to keep our dopamine high as we wade through life's bullshit. If there's nothing to look forward to, there's only misery.

>>306157
All my tastes are acquired. Screw this dull, messed up world.
I wish I was born an Australopithecus.

>>306527
>Curiosity, excitement, wonder, inspiration. Anything that instills an anticipation of reward


I've been trying to find this for 15 years. You could drop 15 billion dollars on my head and I'd just sit here staring at a screen all day. What is there to do? Nothing really. Just satisfying mindless curiosities or the constant buzz of news to wipe the mental dust away. It's so pointless

Endgame melancholy. Most wizards here are in or are approaching endgame. I'm way in it. When you are 40+ and wageslaving for decades, you know the patterns. I will never change nor can i, nor i think want to change. If you can find joy in it, bless you. Over the span of years, my desire to connect with family just died. I just don't care anymore and avoid most family gatherings. I see through it, i see that you are alone in it all. Endgame where it's all pointless.

>>306532
>I will never change nor can i, nor i think want to change.
Man I'm only turning 30 in a month, but this cuts deep.
When I was in my teens I already had this feeling that I would never change, but still held some delusional hope, that someday… surely.
Someday never came.

I eventually realized after countless attempts that I'm completely unable to change.
This was in my early-mid twenties.

Now I'm at the point where I'm starting to believe that I actually don't have the intention or desire to change.
Without that desire of course I never moved an inch.
I was just pretending I had certain dreams and wants because I absorbed those thoughts from the environment if that makes any sense. It was something I should want, not something I really cared for.
Fish desperate to climb a tree, but with no purpose or need to do so.

>I see through it, i see that you are alone in it all.
Normies enjoy it because those connection mean security to them. I know at this point that even if I entertain the nonsense of such events I'll never gain anything.
Hell I might just get dragged into being tech support or whatever menial labor for free for someone I don't care about.
Once I need help of course nobody would care so why bother tolerating these interactions at all.. Hell they would delight in "ribbing", salting wounds etc.

I hate having to face my mortality.
I hate how I never even really lived. 30 years for what?
The world is ending it seems, doors sure are closing.
I didn't make it during the good times, what the fuck will I have to endure during the world to come? What the hell do I think making it would even look like… I don't even know what I want.
Why the fuck does life need awareness…
Why does it have to end. I'm fucking scared. Even if I wanted to write a bucket list I have nothing to write. I'll just die with the same paralyzing despair I live with.
I don't even have a personality. What the fuck was the point of this?