improvement illusion

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improvement illusion Anonymage 03/31/26 (Tue) 04:04:00 No.306649

>19 at college, first year almost over
>When I was 16/17(i can't remember) i attempted suicide, but was too much of a dastard to follow through
>Did psychedelics a bunch over the past year and a half, deluded myself into thinking im fixed now
>Pure-O has been the worst aspect of my life by far

idk, maybe its just a bad day, but some days i wonder if my improvement is just a small hill in an overall downhill trend. I'm not any more organized, in shape, social, or nicer than i was before. I've been genuinely happy but do I deserve it? Have I just been distracting myself? I have crippling Pure-OCD so I really can't tell which thoughts are my own, maybe this whole post is a pure-o delusion. Or maybe it's not and i need to face the music.

I just wish i could stop thinking, pure-o makes you just constantly think up scenarios ad nauseum. I can't trust anything my brain says unless i stop everything i'm doing to stabilize myself and focus in on my thoughts and even then it doesnt always work. There are issues i deal with that i have no idea are even real or not. I have always perceived myself as moderately autistic to the point where atleast socially it makes life more difficult, but what if all of the symptoms are just overreactions and fear from pure o. There are days where i cant feel a god damned thing, it gets so numb and my vision goes blurry and i get dizzy and my memory starts cutting from scene to scene. I ask myself am i dead? I feel dead, i dont feel alive, this feels like some post mortum dream or purgatory, there isnt an ounce in my body in body that feels alive.

But is that Cotard's syndrome? I don't believe the sensations but they feel so uncannily real, its unbearable. How could I ever tell if its Cotard's or Pure-O obsessing over anhedonia? Does it even matter? Is me writing this whole rant just an ocd compulsion?

I don't know where im going with this, I was gonna talk about how I wanna kill myself again but idk, maybe cus i just took an edible and its starting to kick in or typing this out was cathartic but whatever. it doesn't matter

i just hope a communist revolution comes so i can throw away my life for something with meaning, i dont even care if i see the fruits of said revolution

Anonymage 03/31/26 (Tue) 08:21:26 No.306658

>>306649
>>306649
If you're interested in improving yourself, quitting drugs and shit, little by little you'll do it. It's all an illusion, but that's not a bad thing. Keep going, OP. aro nou.

Anonymage 04/02/26 (Thu) 06:40:08 No.306700

I have brain issues too, i'm schizophrenic and hear voices which try to confuse my own thoughts. I know a similar misery.
I don't like communism, too little freedom, not that you really have freedom in "capitalistic" countries anyway, but still it is just another side of the same ugly coin.

Anonymage 04/02/26 (Thu) 08:13:17 No.306702

>>306649
>Pure O
>psychedelics binge
Holy shit thats relatable.
Pure OCD is as close to being in hell as possible. I am a bit better now but ocassional flare ups make me want to just kill myself (even more than usually).
I don't trust my brain. He is a nasty motherfucker. I can't engage in escapism because I am my own cage and my own brain is my jailer.
I have to endure constant barrage of mental imagery, of thoughts and sensations I despise. There is no escape even in dreams - they are often perverted by this insanity.

I am an acidhead. It helped back in the day, I lived for 6 month OCD free thanks to it. But now I am so fucked up nothing helps. I did acid recently and my OCD flared up at that time. It was pure suffering made manifest.
There is a limit to what we with our rotten brains can achieve. THe only self improving I do is trying to build muscles and eating properly. The rest should be let go. Or it will become just another theme for your OCD.

Anonymage 04/02/26 (Thu) 16:43:55 No.306711

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>>306649
>Pure-O

i don't know what that is but i am twice your age and i played 2000 hours of factorio so i have figgured out some things.

the thing with your thoughts being loud i believe is something you can improve with meditation or even just more basic relaxation and breath exercises. tell me how your breathing is and i can imagine a bit better about you. is it shallow and short like half a second in, half a second out (or worse) because that's what i would expect.

if you ran your breathing at a lower and deeper frequency, the loud thoughts might subside on their own and if they don't you still have meditation, mindfulness and detaching from thought as things to try so i would like to encourage you that you have options. try them at your own convenience young sir, i don't think it will be a waste of your time.

regarding what you summarize with autism, you have been subjected to the fast paced modern internet from childhood, internet came to my house when i was 10 years old and it was brand new and slow and had no effect on my life whatsoever until i learned how to pirate with 16, which is where i found all the good stuff. you have been chain-watching interesting videos for years already i imagine. that means you have grown up with knowing what is possible beyond what anyone from my generation ever experienced.

you don't have attention deficit disorder, you don't have a reduced attentionspan, you are annoyed that a better life is possible and you are kept from experiencing it. to that i say don't be, it doesn't help when you are annoyed. instead get good at one thing: ceasing the day. making good use of your time. finding out how to spend your time wisely and start applying what the fast paced internet has shown you is possible, which requires you to set priorities.

WHAT IS MISSING FROM YOUR LIFE THE HARDEST? start there and manifest it quickly so that you can manifest all the other stuff you want.

Anonymage 04/02/26 (Thu) 17:10:44 No.306712

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from brave ai:

>"Pure O" (purely obsessional OCD) is a term used to describe a form of obsessive-compulsive disorder where individuals experience intrusive, distressing thoughts, images, or urges but perform covert mental compulsions rather than visible physical rituals. Although the name suggests an absence of compulsions, people with this subtype engage in hidden mental acts such as rumination, mental checking, seeking internal reassurance, or silently repeating phrases to neutralize anxiety.

interesting i had never heard that. i guess the medical side of things would try to express this phenomenon in some way, though the more spiritual people have been aware of this since forever. they just call this unconsciousness.

there are purely spiritual approaches to this (not identifying with your thoughts and listening to the silence instead as a way to regain control over your attention against the habitual unconscious force).

if that is too far out for you, there is also the approach of famous psychologist Carl Jung. learning a few Jungian concepts and words could be useful to you because it would give you an intelligent frame on which to describe and question the phenomena. i am talking about jungian concepts like

>the shadow
>personality 1 and 2
>projection
>integration

jung says the way to get healthy in the head is to do "shadow work", to "integrate the shadow". that means finding out the things you don't know about yourself, the unconscious parts and learn about them or even just to see them or stop looking away from them. once you can clearly see them, they are no longer unconscious but consciously "integrated". is a fascinating deep, useful, life-affirming body of knowledge to dive into.

also, please enjoy this 20 year old meme pircture.

Anonymage 04/02/26 (Thu) 18:19:39 No.306715

>>306712
>just integrate shadow bruh that will cure your intrusive thoughts and abominable compulsion cycles bruh
Pure O doesn't work this way. The moment you start DOING something for relief, it becomes a compulsion. Obsessions regarding it will arise quickly. 'What if I am not integrating it properly?', etc.
The real cure is to realize you don't have to do jack shit and just be with your thoughts and emotions. easy to say but it takes a shit load of suffering to get to this insight

Anonymage 04/02/26 (Thu) 19:13:13 No.306716

>>306715
>just integrate shadow bruh that will cure your intrusive thoughts and abominable compulsion cycles bruh

just integrating? i guess you have no frame of reference for the emotional turmoil this usually includes. it is maddening, it is emotionally draining and what little i have seen about it reminded me of what is called exorcism. grownups having child-tantrums. uncontrollable crying, screaming, stomping on the floor, stuff like that.

>Pure O doesn't work this way. The moment you start DOING something for relief, it becomes a compulsion. Obsessions regarding it will arise quickly. 'What if I am not integrating it properly?', etc.

that's but modern language to describe an ancient phenomenon. what do the people who invented the language think the solution is? probably petroleum-based patent pending pharmaceutical products.

>The real cure is to realize you don't have to do jack shit and just be with your thoughts and emotions. easy to say but it takes a shit load of suffering to get to this insight

yeah you got it. when within something like a depression, the way out seems impossible but after the way out is found, it is literally just stop doing it as if it was as easy as the snap of a finger.