No.306649
>19 at college, first year almost over
>When I was 16/17(i can't remember) i attempted suicide, but was too much of a dastard to follow through
>Did psychedelics a bunch over the past year and a half, deluded myself into thinking im fixed now
>Pure-O has been the worst aspect of my life by far
idk, maybe its just a bad day, but some days i wonder if my improvement is just a small hill in an overall downhill trend. I'm not any more organized, in shape, social, or nicer than i was before. I've been genuinely happy but do I deserve it? Have I just been distracting myself? I have crippling Pure-OCD so I really can't tell which thoughts are my own, maybe this whole post is a pure-o delusion. Or maybe it's not and i need to face the music.
I just wish i could stop thinking, pure-o makes you just constantly think up scenarios ad nauseum. I can't trust anything my brain says unless i stop everything i'm doing to stabilize myself and focus in on my thoughts and even then it doesnt always work. There are issues i deal with that i have no idea are even real or not. I have always perceived myself as moderately autistic to the point where atleast socially it makes life more difficult, but what if all of the symptoms are just overreactions and fear from pure o. There are days where i cant feel a god damned thing, it gets so numb and my vision goes blurry and i get dizzy and my memory starts cutting from scene to scene. I ask myself am i dead? I feel dead, i dont feel alive, this feels like some post mortum dream or purgatory, there isnt an ounce in my body in body that feels alive.
But is that Cotard's syndrome? I don't believe the sensations but they feel so uncannily real, its unbearable. How could I ever tell if its Cotard's or Pure-O obsessing over anhedonia? Does it even matter? Is me writing this whole rant just an ocd compulsion?
I don't know where im going with this, I was gonna talk about how I wanna kill myself again but idk, maybe cus i just took an edible and its starting to kick in or typing this out was cathartic but whatever. it doesn't matter
i just hope a communist revolution comes so i can throw away my life for something with meaning, i dont even care if i see the fruits of said revolution