/dep/ - Depression

I’ve come here to bitch, wizards. I’m an apprentice barely, I suppose (22 years), but I will be a wizard (for multiple reasons and beliefs), so I like the site a lot. Anyways, I’m in despair and will be in utter and complete despair for two weeks.

My parents forced my NEET-ish ass into university because they mean well and don’t want me to die on the streets once they die but not only is university/studying not for me but I’m on med school of all things, I’ve already flunked more than one class since I started the career like 2-3 years ago, so shit isn’t going well, not only that due to a stupid retarded class I’m being forced to spend two, I mean TWO fucking weeks with normies to do sort of stupid social work in some shitty rural town that’s even more shitty than my already dog shit town (not rural), I can’t even go back home for a single day on the duration of that, I’m not sure if I’ll survive, thankfully due to my mental illness (Szpd) I’ll probably be able to detach and survive but it’s going to be horrible, I don’t even like sleeping, bathing etc on the house of my grandparents (probably the unique people whom I somewhat trust and feel “oka-ish” being around outside of my parents and older brother), I might not really feel stressed, despairing and such but I know it’s happening, I just can’t feel it due to being mentally ill, of course I can still get the somatic part anyways, so my stomach is a mess right now and I feel like shitting for 5 hours straight, my hands have trembles a bit too, it’s like I’m in purgatory or something, what the fuck did I do to deserve this ? I guess that’s what I get for being depressed and suicidal for years all the while still keeping up the lie that “I want to be a doctor” because I didn’t even think I would be alive to reach university or the career itself, nor did I have (or really have) goals or a job/career I wanted, it was easier to lie at the time and just kill myself eventually. Thankfully, I got better, and I’m even content with my life in general (which is the closest I can have to happiness, as I only get to feel emotionally happy here and there for a couple of minutes a few times per year), but now I’m stuck in this horrid situation. At moments like these, I kind of wish I could at least not be mentally ill, I would have found something I really wanted to do by now or would be able to push through this career even if it’s exclusively for the degree.

But such thinking is useless, I’m now stuck here and will be stuck in some hours with retarded normies for two fucking weeks of my life, I kinda hope I experience some psychotic episode or something like that, maybe that way I’ll be able to get out of that place and maybe my parents will understand that I’m genuinely incompatible with people (they know I’m ill, but they prefer to act like I just have “to put more effort” and such since “you’re fine cognitively” or maybe they genuinely believe I don’t hate people as much as I’ve said I do, or interacting with others in general, only God knows what they think), I’m so tired I just want to be alone in my room forever, vibing with my waifu, enjoying what few hobbies I’m still fine with (as in I at least find them to be a pleasant way to burn my life time till my eventual death) and such, I never asked for any of this shit, I really wish I was from a first world country, at least I might be able to actually opt for neetbux or something like that, or just something else, there’s essentially no option on the shit hole where I live even if you are top tier, you can imagine how dogshit it is for a borderline NEET mentally ill wizard (apprentice right now).

Hell, even this is not really being written because I really need to say this somewhere or emotionally regulate or whatever; it’s just that I’m bored and burning time until they force me into the car and drive me to that shit hole. I won’t even be able to listen comfortably to my waifu there. At this rate I’ll go insane before the two weeks are over, or so I hope, but being realistic I’ll just detach completely and turn into an “auto-mode zombie." I can barely study, and I won’t be able to at all once the time is over and I have to go for the other classes in my semester, but who cares? I’m going to flunk that shit again anyways, a fucking waste of time. At least my hobbies are somewhat enjoyable even if they’re just a waste of time too.

I suppose the worst part is my parents just want the best for me, and I’m so emotionally fucked beyond belief that I can’t really hate (at most in little bursts every few months) and cognitively speaking it’s obvious why it would be better to get a career or something but I just can’t process this shit, so it’s just a waste of time, I wonder when they’ll finally realize I can’t finish this career, mind you I’ve told them before wizards, so it’s not like they’re unaware, they know perfectly well how I think about uni, this activity and all of this shit, they just prefer to think “we have to force him so he can have at least an opportunity in the future” which is true so I can’t even hate them cognitively, fuck this mental illness I’m so tired of everything, not on a depressed suicidal way (I was there and know how that is) just genuinely and cognitively, I probably won’t last long anyways since I’m a sedentary unhealthy fuck, at least I don’t do drugs, alcohol etc so maybe I’ll last longer than I think.

Anyways, uhhh comment whatever you want, my wizard friends. I’m just going to go and do whatever till it’s time for my doom. I might update the thread in the span of these two weeks. I guess that could make it more bearable, perhaps? I don’t know shit anymore.