No.308862
I wasted years of my life working and started college late. Last year, I began a degree program in psychology education to see if later I could handle a degree in psychology or become a therapist, and in short it was a disaster. I felt like a damn alien next to my classmates, and I didn’t feel comfortable in class, not with them, not with anything.
This year, I decided to start studying another major focused on the hobbies i love, music related things as hobby. I decided to try music education, and so far everything’s going well, and I even feel comfortable with my classmates, but the social aspect is still killing me.
>What's you cant handle?
>Vocal education
I can't handle vocal training classes I usually freeze up and can't even sing a scale. The strange thing is, I don't know if the teacher plays favorites, but she treats the succubi better, from what I've seen, they've been singing for a while, sing in church choirs around religious things etc, or already have experience with singing and high notes. I don't notice her treating the men the same way or giving them the same attention, and most of the guys haven't practiced singing before. Last time, she told me I don’t sing because I strive too much for perfection i dont believe this is true but this didnt help in anything. I don’t know if she misunderstood me or if she hates me, but I’m not sure if she understands that I can’t control my nerves and i actually told she about this. one day she just told me something in the lines of go to a psychologist bla bla Obviously, I failed her exams. maybe i the problem or she even tried to help much. maybe i will try to change to another teacher next year i dont know.
>Language and music theory problem
The language and music theory classes started a little late, but I love them (with piano classes), and the fun part comes in the later semesters. My only problem is that, because of some university policy, they make us record ourselves and… oh my god, I hate my fucking face. I’ve never liked recording myself, and they even make us record ourselves singing, which is even worse, because I can’t even stand in front of a camera for two seconds without go full into a panic attack of nervers and sadness. i hate mirrors and watching myself in recordings.
I’m seriously thinking about dropping out of this program because I know I won’t pass these classes unless I fix whatever’s going on in my head that’s causing my self-esteem to be so damaged. I feel ridiculous and disgusting. I’m 24 years old and I still haven’t gotten over the acne scars and other marks on my face, or the damage to my self-esteem from high school i feel just gatekeeped by the damn nerves and low self-steem and anxiety. I just want to disappear, but I think I could pass all my classes if they didn’t force me to expose myself so much or record myself on video.
>why you want to drop something you like?
Bacause i cant fucking imagine of the idea of a teacher with these problems, all the people i see here have no problems like this and looks healthy and normal to me and at this point in my life i feel like a shit. i dont want to go back to NEET i want to do something with my fucking empty life i tired of the feeling of loneliness or empty work.
I dont know what to do, i tried read some book around self steem cbt and etc but still i dont know how to help with this.
No.308865
>drop out of university bacause of self-steem
When I was in university/college, I knew enough (both male and female) who had these thoughts. Some did drop out. Others remained. Of course I can't speak to what you must be particularly feeling inside yourself personally, but I can say that from my own experiences with classmates/peers who had varying self-esteem issues of all types (eg, convinced they were unattractive, convinced others were mocking them, looking down on them, excluding them, etc.) that 99% of the time these individual issues whereon they had laid so much anxiety and stress appeared to me (as an outside observer) to be completely socially insignificant and things of a sort I would not even have had a consciousness of if they had not confided their worry of them in me.
>The language and music theory classes started a little late, but I love them (with piano classes), and the fun part comes in the later semesters. My only problem is that, because of some university policy, they make us record ourselves and… oh my god, I hate my fucking face.
That's excellent. You've found something you truly enjoy. And I'm sure it'll only get better as you advance higher and higher. To quit something you like this much owing only to insecurity around appearance seems like an unwise choice. I highly doubt you look as bad as you imagine yourself to.
>I can't handle vocal training classes I usually freeze up and can't even sing a scale. The strange thing is, I don't know if the teacher plays favorites, but she treats the succubi better,
All teachers play favorites. Whether music teachers, philosophy teachers, math teachers, english teachers. They all have their favorites. Partiality towards others is human nature and is found everywhere. I dealt with professors who strongly disliked me and oftentimes for reasons I never even understood. If the favoritism shown by this specific instructor however is so great, is there any chance you could find another related instructor who would take you on and through whom you could fulfill your required credit load?
>I just want to disappear,
Again, I knew at least 4-5 students in my own time in university who voiced those exact words "I want to disappear". I remember a few of them stayed within their dorms forasmuch as they could (avoiding in-person class time). And really, there was nothing wrong with their having chosen to have done so. We all cope with life in different ways. I knew a male professor who – because of timidity around female underclassmen – preferred to conduct his lectures over the computer instead of in-person. And he was allowed to do this without issue.
>but I think I could pass all my classes if they didn’t force me to expose myself so much or record myself on video.
Professors are often willing to accommodate changes to the course syllabus should a student rationally approach them and explain the grounds for the complaint. Your request is rational enough; simply state it to your professor and see the result. But if you find your professor unobliging of the request, you always have recourse to speaking with an administrator/dean of your specific college about passing your music classes without having to participate in recorded video sessions.
>i feel just gatekeeped by the damn nerves and low self-steem and anxiety
We all do. I promise you this – we all do. Others just hide it better or have gone further in psychologically mastering their own peculiar weak points.
>I’m 24 years old
Ridiculously young. You have all the time in the world to take a year or two off just thinking and reading and resting and at a later time returning or doing anything else entirely. I repeat this rede to you: realize again just *how* young you really are. If your discomfiture within the academic environment is so great that you must drop-out, then do so understanding that there is nothing wrong with this and that moreover you have the freedom to return when you will have gained greater security around your person or when you will have found greater certainty around what it is you really want to do. Remember though – technically of course you aren't even a wizard yet!
No.308867
well, I can relate to a lot of what you said here, even the acne scars part. You did well in dropping out of psychology, unless that degree actually has a high employment rate in your country. You won't find jobs with a music degree unless you're lucky or quite talented, but at least it may fulfill you, although you could also learn that by yourself which is what I decided to do in my creative hobby. The only benefit of going to college for such a degree in the age of the internet is guidance and discipline, and you don't necessarily need college to get those. There's also making contacts with other people but that relies on what people are available to interact with in your class, if it's only normaloids you may have a hard time making any friends at all. I also think like so many others that modern college is a huge scam, not only of your money but most importantly of your time and youth, but I can only speak from personal experience in my country. I was going to click post, but I also read that you don't want to go back to NEETing, it's certainly not for everybody so I suggest you stay there for a little while and calmly consider what to do in the future, no self-help books or anon wizards have the right answer to that, since we don't know you personally enough to know what's best for your specific case.