No.308343[Last 50 Posts]
The Time God does not forget nor forgive edition. You will do this again.
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>>307210 No.308346
The contrast between getting dopamine all day from the internet and the sudden silence when I go to bed is harrowing. All the bickering posts, youtube video voices, even sentiments of fellow depressed misanthrophy on wizchan was the entire world in my mind. Then I turn off the pc and it's all gone. I am just a lump of flesh in the cold quiet darkness that is aging and slowly withering to a death, upon which the darkness will be perfectly complete.
No.308347
>>308346yeah i feel this too
for me i have days even weeks sometimes where i come alive and get obsessed with working on a project or get addicted to a game that makes me excited to get out of bed.
Then something happens. A weird new pain in my body will start bothering me, then it distracts me and i start losing focus and can't enjoy the project/game anymore… then i start ruminating and imagining all the negativity in my life and the world and i fall straight back into the darkness… it's Sisyphean and so jarring how quickly it can come and go. It's like I can't track how I get back here every time.
No.308348
>>308346and do you ever try to face the silence during the day?
sometimes i get sick of the bickering voices filling my head from podcasts and youtube and i take a break during the day… it's even more harrowing than at night because i am asking myself "OKAY NOW WHAT DO I DO?" when i stop distracting At least at night i know the answer is "try to sleep"
No.308349
>>308346>>308347>>308348I feel you guys so hard, but for me it comes with the small variation of distracting myself endlessly online by opening thousands of tabs, sometimes my browser crashes and the session fails to recover.
And in the dead silence of the night I realize ive been getting excited and looking forward to, what could you call them? Inane crap? Spooks? Literally nothing? Idk, I try to remember if there was a single tab amongst thousands worth saving, reading or delving into and I find no answer, its just noise to distract myself from my painful reality
No.308355
>>308346i see the post nut clarity hit hard there wizanon…
No.308356
Boredom is one of those human ailments that isn't given proper consideration. Being depressed, lonely, poor, sick, these are "real" human problems, but being bored is just ignored. No one takes boredom seriously, despite the large amounts of human suffering it causes.
People spend much of their time trying to find a way to flee from boredom, and yet many don't even realize they ARE bored, like a society of people who are on painkillers 24/7, nobody would recognize that they are in pain. You only need distractions if you are, in fact, bored, and yet so few people admit to being bored, while at the same time actively running away from it! It's fucking absurd.
I'm extremely bored, and I find that being bored is one thing that can't be defeated with any amount of ingenuity or creativity or money or entertainment. It destroys the human soul.
No.308362
>>308356Boredom is the cause of a lot of drug and alcohol addictions. It's why it's the most impulsive normies most prone to boredom that get hooked.
Autists seem to have a very high tolerance to boredom and that's why they're in some sense blessed. I knew a guy years ago who said he was jealous about how I could just lose myself in a subject while he couldn't.
Schopenhauer is the one philosopher who gives boredom a proper place in his analysis, and sees it as basically the root of essential suffering. When we have satisfied every desire, boredom creeps in, it prevents us from actually ever being truly satisfied permanently, and sets in motion action.
No.308368
>>308348Dealing with silence?
Joke answer: blast Depeche Mode ("Enjoy the Silence" 2004 remix)
Serious answer, though: music disks titled "sounds of nature" were built to offer a decent background noise. Same for rain sounds.
Not sure if that belongs to /music/ or not.
No.308369
>>308346Spend more time at the gym.
No.308387
>>308346Insightful post, become a writer
No.308392
>>308346I used to feel this pretty often but not anymore for some reason. I think it's because I don't really do anything that engaging anymore, even browsing the Internet has lost its charm and now it barely does anything for me so I'm not as distracted as I once was. I'm always sort of half-present in reality. The only thing that I can still get really engrossed in is daydreaming as I pace around my room, and after I snap out of that I usually do find that the silence of my room feels deafening.
I wish I could still enjoy video games and anime enough to get engrossed by them enough to cause this feeling after I snap out though.
No.308451
I woke up and went to the bathroom and found blood in my stool. I'm way too anxious to go to the doctor. Seems like as I get older all of the health issues just pile on and I won't be able to ignore them anymore. I wish I could just die painlessly in my sleep than deal with any of this.
No.308453
>>308346low iq. the shit you do in the internet is emptier than your empty room and your empty life. actually maybe you can't realize that because your parents protect you from waging
No.308457
the physical world is like a movie the demiurge forces your consciousness to watch
No.308462
>>308457i half remember this suicide note from a japanese guy who killed himself, was something like "life is a black and white movie about nothing superimposed upon my retina. now its ending". always stuck with me.
No.308465
>>308343I don't even have the energy to think most of the time. I begin to explore a concept, then immediately feel heavy and tired as I realise my viewpoint is worthless and almost certainly incorrect. I fill my brain with philosophy and arguments for this and that then just do nothing with them. For me reading a philosophical text is like watching a game of sports. In the arena of the book, I care about it all, but as soon as I put the book down I suddenly comprehend just how hollow it is. Symbols and ideas that another ape mapped onto their subjective hallucination of reality in an attempt to ground itself against the constant stream of horror that is sensory input. As a result I perceive myself to be a very stupid person. Surely an intelligent person would feel compelled to constantly reflect and expand upon ideas. But it just all feels null.
No.308466
>>308346I've lost most of the pleasure my PC used to provide.
Often I turn away and stare at a wall or my mirror and just wonder how I used to exist before the PC.
Same sort of weird feeling you describe. I'm old, body clearly showing decades of neglect.
I'm reminded of my single digit years.
Back then despite the miserable circumstances just existing was rather fun. Stuff in my memories is so vibrant and I remember everything was interesting and enjoyable.
I remember I had a very good quality stick for years that I ended up losing in the woods.
It was a nice durable stick…
My very own excalibur I'd say.
Exhaustion is all that is left. Despite being a wizard I feel like all magic is gone from my life.
Existing wasn't a burden back in the days I think.
I really don't feel like I have much in common with the little kid in my memories. Such an odd thing feeling alien compared to yourself.
No.308471
>>308346I know this feeling, feels like I'm a cyborg or something just pointlessly going through the motions like a flesh automaton.
The dopamine drip of screens keeps me artificially awake too long and I never sleep enough too. It's like the opposite of a bonfire at night surrounded by people, you're just staring at a light burning itself into your retinas while desperately trying to feel included until your body is too exhausted to continue every single night.
No.308476
>>308466>lost most of the pleasure my PC used to provide.I'm sitting on years of video, music, and games that I'm just not going to visit again. I'm about to wipe the drives and call it, computer crap takes up a lot of desk space.
No.308477
>>308476>that I'm just not going to visit again. Kinda sucks to acknowledge this at some point in life.
I've somewhat of a digital hoarder and wipe a ton of stuff both material and digital on a similar impulse.
I didn't regret it honestly.
Freed up a lot of headspace too not just physical.
No.308489
My life is filled with asinine levels of disappointment. I almoat could have acheived something in school and had a happy childhood if my parents werent crazy. I could have a good job if the management wasnt retarded. My new lease suv fucking breaks. For christmas as a kid i would always receive some cheap knockoff of what i asked for so i guess im just conditioned to this shit. I could order a 10 piece nuggets and instead of getting 9, get a box full of spiders. Just constant getting kicked while im down bullshit like that.
No.308514
Hadn't it been for the AI which helped me through handing in an assignment along with a peer I can barely talk to then I wouldn't be able to live another day.
I mean, I could've done it earlier without the help of it but it's all so though when you're so unwilling to live.
Even if I get this degree I still would have to talk to people to beg for work I and the rest of the industry will come lacking.
No.308515
Every time I leave the house it is hell, I lose my pants and my waist pack while walking, normalfags especially succubi laugh at me, I get confused on where to go and when to go, there is unbearable traffic around me, I always fear to lose my keys and not being able to return home, my movement disorder grabs attention, public transport is filled with human trash, it really gets to the point where I cannot leave my house or I have to ask my parents to shift me…goes without saying that during summer the sun burns me and during winter the cold kills me
No.308516
There are no more reasons for me to stay alive now that AI and technology are advancing at such a rapid pace.
I don't want to live in a post-scarcity society. I don't want to live in a world where the entirety of physics has been solved, disease has been cured or telepathic communication is possible.
I just want everything to be the way it was 20 years ago. It was the perfect blend between having technology and a natural, analog world outside of it.
I was not made for the age of Aquarius.
No.308517
>>308516LLMs are hype churning out garbage, the development stalled, there weren't any improvements in quite a while. just adding more tokens.
No.308519
>>308517Judging by the rest of what he said, I think it was more about the way newer technology just tightens the whole control grid of this modern society.
The way I see it, most people now are like domesticated dogs, and everything has been re-purposed around the domesticated existence they call "life." So the dilemma becomes, what's a wolf to do? I like this metaphor because a wolf wants real meaning in life, the kind that only natural settings seem to provide; he wants freedom, to live and die by his own will; he doesn't want to be (and instinctively senses the wrongness of) submitting to some bullshit "authorities" – he's not interested in pleasing "Master" and earning doggy treats like the good doggies do.
The wolf's existence becomes a purgatory: his species is all but officially extinct, he has no future in this world, yet technically he's still alive. But purgatory doesn't feel like living. He can't live with the dogs, it's against the wolf's nature. The old hunting grounds were cleared to build data centers and kennels for pit bulls, just part of the infrastructure the control grid came to require. Chihuahua bitches won't even let him sniff their butts.
Yeah, there are copes, but they'd never make up for the existence he needed and continued to be denied in this world. My conclusion is that it doesn't matter, as long as the wolf now understands he must fully exit the bounds of this shit realm after his death and enter one of his own creation, where no other entities could obstruct him from exerting his own will and existing as he sees fit.
No.308520
>>308519I think a wolfie belongs to coyotes' desert these days
No.308523
>>308520Hopefully the coyote cousin pack-moms make lots of protein shakes for the wolfies seeking refuge, so they don't atrophy too much from the drop in meat.
>lost tribes of Judawg>wolfies must caravan stout coyote moms to found Pawsia>never apawlogize to, nor forgive dog-bot betrayal No.308572
The voices I hear in my head are yelling "kill yourself, faggot" or "eat shit, die" on loop. They can do it for 30 minutes nonstop. They also mock me for anything (if I drop a fork they laugh at me and call me an idiot) or they bring up embarrassing/traumatic memories and then make fun of me for it.
they're internal voices like your inner monologue but violent and psychopathic. not like intrusive thoughts because I hear actual words and sentences
No.308576
>>308572You have the gift of having a second consciousness living in your brain. There's effectively two people sharing the same body. He hates you, but you can replace him with a tulpa who will love you.
No.308579
>>308576Based. Teach this thingy to love you (not a,proper recommendation due to the lack of experience)
No.308594
There is no way to cope with not being intelligent or creative. The only way is to become an addict and withdraw from people completely.
No.308598
can't play games because they don't give me dopamine. what's even the point of all this stressful clicking
No.308602
>>308594>There is no way to cope with not being intelligent or creative.Because that's not something that needs to be "coped" with at all.
No.308605
>>308594when's the last time someone got bullied for not being intelligent and creative? there are tons of intelligent creative people depressed and losing in life because that doesn't count for fuck all in this society. 99% of how you're treated in life is based on your body and identity, two things you can't do anything about.
>>308598you need to be in the right headspace for games to be fun. paradoxically, if you're playing games to have fun, you won't have fun because fun is a side-effect of making progress towards a goal. first you have to /care/ about the game's goal in some way and then you produce fun based on your performance towards that goal. the goal doesn't matter, you can make one for yourself or just follow the gamedev's lead, but you have to care about it and it has to rely on the gameplay i.e. you have desire to reach a particular end state, "i want to beat this level" or "i want to get to the next part of the story" etc. if your goal is "i want to have fun" because you want to be distracted from your shitty life and depression, games will paradoxically feel like work. "i want this game to make the bad feels go away" but you don't care about the game itself, your brain then doesn't see the point in engaging in the game.
it's weird, to have fun with games, first you have to put everything else in your life aside, like your depression or shitty circumstances, and then earnestly engage with the game. this is very difficult to do in my experience, but it's doable.
No.308606
have like 50 flies flying around my apartment at least (i found where they were coming from I think some old potatoes that were covered in maggots) and at the same time a ton of ants also showed up crawling across my floor i have no idea where they are going but i cannot be fucked to clean
No.308608
>>308605I stopped having any interest in my Zelda Tears of the Kingdom multi hundred hour run after I realized the devs just chimped out on most shrines (by making them a simple treasure chest and a free Raurus blessing).
No puzzles, no trials, just a retarded treasure chest with a zonai weapon not worth picking up or maybe a topaz/sapphire.
I'm still amazed how they put so much micromanaged tiny beautiful details in the game, then went completely lazy and limp when it comes to designing half the shrines. Like they completely gave up.
No.308609
>>308608It's almost as if TLoZ is a game targeted towards small children who don't do well with hard puzzles
No.308611
>>308602Nah, it is.
>>308605>when's the last time someone got bullied for not being intelligent and creativeIt's not about outside perception. At the end of the day, you have to take a good, long hard look at yourself in the mirror, and you can't lie about yourself. You can't force yourself to like what isn't likable. A lot of those intelligent, creative people while having those qualities just aren't good enough - they don't cut the mustard. Could society be set up to be more forgiving? Sure, but that doesn't change the fundamental reality.
No.308616
Every day I feel like I need to be doing something but I have no idea what it is I should be doing, so I'm just overwhelmed by this spiral of feeling lost and ashamed and then trying to distract myself from the feeling.
No.308620
>>308616you have unfinished goals that your subconscious keeps on trying to solve, that gives you that restless feeling of wanting to do something. try to make them explicit in your awareness and either fully give up on them, get some kind of closure that allows your mind to stop obsessing over them, or actually do stuff that's relevant to those goals (but often there isn't anything you haven't already tried, which is why you've dissociated from them in the first place).
No.308630
>>308616Writing down random "need to do stuff" notes counts as an activity; you really need to set a timer for 20 minutes, write down a bunch of things you *could* do this month, and then - bam! Youve just spent 20 minutes actually doing a job of managing yourself for some future hours
No.308654
Whenever I am not distracted by something I suddenly became very afraid of death.
No.308656
>>308654Indeed. Thoughts of death and afterlife have been popping up more than usual.
No.308670
I have been publicly humilliated in all spheres of life I tried to thrive.
No.308672
Misunderstanding at work, coworker thought I was staring at her but I was just zoning out like I always do. She did some crazy harassment dance for the cameras and people nearby and everything. I'm just hoping the cameras back me up as buzz lightyear'd out and I don't get sent to harassment class or something. It's getting me down, lost some sleep. I know it shouldn't, I wasn't in the wrong. I don't need this.
No.308673
>>308670I hear you. Been there.
No.308674
>>308672It'll be alright. Fired or not. Whether they side with you or not. Hated or forgiven in the end nothing matters.
No.308687
I'm schizophrenic and hear voices and have minor hallucinations (for the past year). These voices lately have started straight up turning into a metahallucination saying things like:
'we are schizo voices'
'i am a hallucination'
'i was birthed from your mind'
'i will make a certain noise which will disrupt your heart rhytm and give you a heart attack (followed by loud banging noise)'
This condition is so weird and trippy and I doubt anyone will even believe me if I tell them.
No.308692
>>308687Welp, I can believe that.
No.308698
>>308687schizos are a lot less mysterious when you realize 99% of them just have brain damage from drugs/alcohol/psych meds.
what was your substance of choice, sir?
No.308699
>>308670Happens. That's how demiurgus produces slaves for his empire of sin. I hope you weren't damaged too much.
No.308700
>>308654Whenever I think about that I yell in my head. It kinda helps. After all I don't really want to live.
No.308711
thanks to mom i'm now sentenced to several months of profound social exposure. it's wizchan time huh.
No.308715
I feel really sad today because I talked to my older brother and he is having a lot of health problems. He got some rare chronic nerve disorder and will probably be partially disabled for his entire life. He's one of the only people in the world who are nice to me even though I'm a fuck up loser. It would be better if I got sick instead because I barely go outside or do anything anyways. I don't know what to say to him and I hope I didn't say anything wrong because I don't understand social cues. I hate being autistic so much because I'm scared I will say something wrong or be rude and I don't understand what to say to comfort someone or cheer them up.
No.308716
How do you survive summer heat? The world is going to burn this century
No.308722
>>308720This is so bad wizzie, Starmer did not do a thing to guarantee the wellness of the population during heatwaves
No.308725
Nothing happened
Nothing learned
Nothing changed
Nothing mattered
Nothing remembered
Nothing loved
Nothing hated
Nothing felt
No.308729
>>308698>claims SCH is substance-drivenDid I get your point right?
No.308737
>>308692okay
>>308698no clear connection to any drug here
it's more like 50-50, you have the ones who fried themselves on stims or weed and the ones who just started hallucinating one day with no clear reason
No.308741
I'm normally lazy about brushing my teeth and had random awful teeth pain. Ever since I've started taking high dose D3 + K2 every day the pain has completely subsided and my teeth feel stronger in general. Obviously, avoiding sugary drinks also helps.
One less thing to be depressed about I guess.
No.308748
>>308741Similar notion from me, too. Ive found out drinking energy drinks gives me weird toothache, but quitting the energy drinks makes my teethache go away.
I do consume D3 viramin, and I have finished a bottle of 5-HTP this spring, but my K2 viramin is mostly untouched, waiting for me to finish it.
No.308761
>>308687The voices are real beings. They just only lie and make up shit in order to harass you.
When I started ignoring mine completely rather than entertaining their shit they lost their mind and started screaming and repeating the same sentences over and over. Like a robot that glitched out.
Anyway, normalfags will never entertain these ideas because The Science(tm) says it's not possible.
No.308763
>>308761my voices don't seem like a coherent being at all, while I sometimes get this unexpected stuff like this metahallucination, they mostly deliver this unbelievably disruptive and lame commentary upon my thoughts. Any attempt at interaction I get these annoying lines like saying one thing then the opposite the next. Sometimes replying to themselves.
I understand our voices can be very different and it's a big mistake to just assume other schizos have similar voices
No.308768
>>308715>I don't know what to say to him and I hope I didn't say anything wrong because I don't understand social cues. I hate being autistic so much because I'm scared I will say something wrong or be rude and I don't understand what to say to comfort someone or cheer them up.Made me reflect on my own behavior because I often feel this way, but is it "autism" or just a lack of social experience of not being in contexts where you can emote and also genuinely not knowing what to say? What can you even say to someone with a chronic, debilitating condition like that? I'm sorry? That's horrible? Would a real person hug them and say something like "We'll get through this."?
I usually default to logic rather than emotion and try to ask questions and problem-solve; not that I can as they're mostly unsolvable. Most guys do this because we're told to not show emotion and experience situations where doing so usually backfires or effects no response so we stop, or like most wizzies never belonged nowhere and never had an environment where they could open up, so you don't learn, or unlearn, that feature.
Put any prototypical person in that context and they'd end up mostly the same, displaying "neurotypical" traits like a cold, flat affect and awkwardness. This isn't necessarily "autism". And this isn't related to anything you wrote, just that it's a pet peeve of mine. I hate the catch-all frivolous labelling of anyone slightly socially maladjusted (which can be attributed to all kinds of 1+1=2 type scenarios not necessarily some neurotic condition: a bullied kid will naturally be quiet, a friendless loner will naturally be uneasy around people). Othering people who naturally behave in certain ways due to their own particular lived experiences making them behave that way as neurodivergent alien-people is ass backwards imo. Imagine telling some young kid who didn't get a good start in life he's officially a broken weirdo down to his very genomes and he should expect a life of alienation and social faux pas for the rest of his days - how encouraging! Why not give him some ADHD meds too?
If you genuinely can't read social cues then maybe, but clearly you can, as you're concerned enough to write this post and didn't want to say the wrong thing and display enough empathy to worry if you offended him, e.g. you're not broken, you just didn't know what to say; even normalfags find dealing with chronically sick people difficult.
No.308770
>>308761>The voices are real beings.You claiming this is an even bigger sign of schizophrenia, if you keep feeding these delusions it might get worse before you realize so cut it out.
No.308784
The weight of subjectivity is too much to bear. The indifference of objectivity offers no support to carry this weight. The cruelty of reality (vivid connection of subjectivity and objectivity) pushes the weight and repeatedly crushes it on a cemented surface.
No.308810
>>308716I got out of my 37°C bedroom and slept on the ground floor of the house for the past four days.
No.308813
yeah well it's a little too warm to be honest. i don't normally have much awareness of things around me, but with all this heat and lack of air conditioning anywhere in my life it feels like… you know what it feels like. it's hard to move and i am absolutely not capable of thinking whatsoever
No.308826
at 34, i have accepted that there is nothing left for me but to rot and pray my psych meds keep me sane enough to not go on a psychotic rampage. i will regret every opportunity i fumbled, every relationship i sabotaged for the rest of my miserable existence.
No.308827
If they remade It's a Wonderful Life for modern times, it would just be George Bailey's job getting replaced by some indian guy from Blackrock. His wife would have met some other guy on tindr and the town would still go to shit anyway.
No.308828
>>308810Is your back okay?
No.308850
never been so hopelessly depressed. its one thing to feel shit and at least hope for something, to have a potential route out. its another to get there only to lose it. like the train arrived at the platform but broke down 1/8th the way there. sometimes i think im the most miserable person in the entire world.
No.308863
>>308343I made it to 34 boys, I couldn't feel more left behind. I bought a bottle of whiskey but I hardly even get drunk anymore, often I'll just fall asleep before feeling anything. It's over, isn't it?
No.308889
mom forced me out and now i spend a lot of time slaving at a place with too many females. some of them are young which has been driving my chinchin crazy as of late. i try to fap it away but it doesn't help. so that's it, i see. year ago i was thinking about ways to lower my depression so i could do at least some basic thinking, but now i understand that was a mistake. being a depressed retard with avolition beats being a less depressed retard with dick craziness. now i'm thinking of ways to make myself depressed again. i'm not sure how to do it properly though.
No.308892
>>308889If you're young enough to have that much of a sex drive and your co-workers aren't even creeped out by you then you might as well leave this place and work on living a normal life, trust me you'll be better off.
No.308896
>>308889It’s immoral to have sex outside of marriage. Men and succubi should not work together unsupervised.
No.308897
>>308889Read Onanie Master Kurosawa if you haven't
No.308901
I don't think I understand this thread, but I'll post this as anyway. Ban me, if you want.
I wasn't made for this world. I just want to make people happy. Because that makes me happy.
But they want misery. It makes them feel secure in their pessimism. And the powers that be are more than willing to sell that security to them.
I don't understand. Why buy pessimism when optimism is free? Why assume the worst when it's so expensive?
They claim to be outcome-orientated, but this fundamental belief is so counter-intuitive.
Is advertising that powerful?
I don't know.
I can't understand desiring to be miserable. Maybe that's what makes me a wizard.
No.308902
>>308896It is always immoral to have sex, especially if you reproduce
No.308904
>>308901pessimism is a personality trait, besides, if aren't skeptical about the optimism/pessimism thing, it means life didn't rape you hard enough.
No.308905
>>308902>It is always immoral to have sexWhat?
No.308906
>>308892you'd think i should do that given i have ok looks, huh? i can tell you lookism is only the tip of the iceberg. sex drive for me is like another form of suffering, i don't perceive as anything other than another thing to endure.
>>308896i don't believe in morals. since you brought it up, i doubt anyone would care to fuck me even in marriage and i'm definitely not getting married in this life.
>>308902antinatalist bro?
No.308907
Profound spiritual and physical fatigue
No.308908
>>308906Yes I'm antinatalist and I agree with you sex drive is just additional torture to endure, my dream is to see all life ceasing to exist
No.308909
I'm just a fucking nigger
No.308927
Lol I just realized that my family isn't abusive. They're just super bitter they couldn't do more than raise a retard, so they take it all out on me, even though it's too late for them to change anything in me. It's like, they really thought they could, and now they can't face the simple reality they shouldn't have ever married.
No.308928
>>308927And when I told them that they were pretty honest saying "I was never part of the deal". Making children is something normies do simply to feel good about themselves, they don't actually care about all of nurture stuff. Bringing up a child for them is kinda like sport or entertainment or some fucked up self validation technique. They do it for themselves. They don't really give a shit about what you're going to experience.
No.308934
>>308928>nuclear family wizard is mad at both parentsBeen there.
Still stuck with them. However, the knowledge on serial monogamy among our cavemen ancestors - as opposed to the "cereal monogamy" of our farmer ancestors - helps me to realize my parents' marriage was the chemistry thing, not the having each other's back thing AS OPPOSED TO MY EXPECTATIONS
No.308951
>>308950Just get into smoking weed or something that makes your heart rate higher. There was a YouTube weed guy who died of a heart attack a couple of years ago; he said he was just chilling at his computer, got up and suddenly had a 180 bpm heart rate for hours. It’s from years of smoking.
No.308952
>>308951I don't think that would solve the problem at hand.
I'd need to get off meds before a surgery which means losing weight and even then the whole thing is like a death gamble.
On a somewhat related note I am looking into getting a vape of some kind to help not stuff my face all day.
No.308956
>>308950I got inguinal hernia and I just act like it doesn't exist. I am probably making it worse because I just can't stop exercising.
No.308963
I might have dementia, early-onset. Due to the neet lifestyle, it is hard to realize it's happening but lately my executive function has been worse than ever. I don't know if you can call it "adhd" but I really cannot fucking do anything without distracting myself merely seconds after, keep forgetting I left the stove on, missing my keys. And lately I've been having several instances of failing to remember what day of the week we're in. I also cannot quite recognize, or well I do but it feels like novelty, the places I'm regularly in like my house or town. It doesn't exactly feel new, but it doesn't feel familiar either. Related to that, anyone knows if feeling the world around you becoming smaller is a good or bad sign?
I know I've had some probably autoimmune shit or clotting problem going on for a while, the right sid eof my head has a headache that comes and goes, but it's always the right side alongside tinnitus. I have ringing in both ears but it's much more marked on the right side. To top it all, my blood pressure readings are 170 on the right arm, 135 on the left one. I googled what that meant and to nobodys surprise it might mean advanced vascular disease.
So yeah, I might not be around for much longer. Not much remains from the person I once was, not that long ago I was enraged and murderous at my own family for a long list of wrongings that ultimately culminated with what I'm experienced right now, completely alone and abandonded and broke and very sick. But what can you do when you live in a shithole with no hope of improvement, no skills, no connections and barely and will to not jump from the nearest bridge? I tried to ignore and bury it all, but when things are dire and you cannot fucking tell what day of the week it is or if you already and what you had for breakfast, your priorities kind of change again and escapism stops being an option, not because you don't want to but because you literally cannot.
What would you do, wizzy? Take revenge on people who might also be on deaths doorstep anyway, lmao? Try to "improve" whatever is left from your life? Just wait and rot?
No.308965
>>308963I think suicide is the true answer to all life problems, merely because if you don't exist you don't feel anything, it's not like you suffer the lack of something. Realizing this truth, you should work on finding the most reliable and painless method available to you, then go on living enjoying what you can enjoy until things get unbearable knowing you have a method out. I wouldn't focus on health or working, we're going to lose this body anyway one day and wageslaving for someone wouldn't solve your lack of wellness. I would focus on skills and connections instead for the purpose of planning the latest years on this earth as comfortable as possible. An useful skill which you can always acquire is to learn how to fake medical papers.
No.308966
>>308956I'm kinda hoping I can do this until I lose enough weight to lower the odds of dying on the operating table.
Do you do anything special to prevent it from getting worse? Got one of those belts or something?
No.308967
>>308966No mine is so small you can't tell something's there at a glance. I also have very low bodyfat so it helps. I do feel that it has grown bigger since months ago though but it hasn't really inconvenienced me. I just have to kneel on the floor and crunch my abs when I need to sneeze and stuff.
No.308980
Saw an fanart of an anime/manga series I used to read as a teen but forgot the existence about and immediately got sucker punched by nostalgic memories of permanently lost youth and innocence followed by seething rage and despair at the fact. Do I really continue living like this? With the color and hope of youth taunting me from my dreams, accentuating the bleakness and hardships of adulthood by contrasts.
No.308982
>>308980I let things slip by and similar realizations torment me every night.
Knowing that this moment is about as good as I'll ever have it and that the future holds immense pain and further physical/mental decline.
All my struggles will amount to mitigation without any real gain.
Only to die anyways…
No.308987
I'm just waiting for the end at this point
No.308988
>>308987The problem is how that end will come
No.308990
I kind of forgot I was suicidal. I miss it. It's like I said some threads ago. Wallowing in depression is the only place I feel at home.
No.308991
>>308990so true. i hate not being depressed enough, because being energetic is just another form of suffering.
No.308992
>>308989I don't think so, I see people outside leading active lives.
No.308994
>>308992some are lucky, yeah
No.309004
>>308991Contra intuitive but true.
No.309007
>>308990I finally hate the world more than I hate myself and my urge to an hero went away (for the most part).
No.309016
I am not a sensitive young male. I am just a defeated weak male. I am not morally better than my tormenters. I would also try hurt people when I am given the slightest opening.
No.309019
>>308991Being energetic makes me feel like i'm falling for something i intuitively know is wrong. I hate it too.
No.309020
>>309012I like it better during low libido periods. Getting horny all the time sucks and just wastes me away. I can't concentrate on anything at all. When my libido gets lower I can find at least some time, though not much, to dedicate to something mentally demanding like pet projects or whatever. When it surges up I basically spend all my free time jerking off and doing erratic activities like playing for twenty minutes each game I have until I must fall asleep. And I don't get that much free time anyway due to wageing. I really hate this libido stuff. It really defeats my every notion of rationality, since I basically can't dedicate myself to anything at all because all I do is think about fucking some hot succs from whatever hot anime/manga I watched/read last.
No.309035
>>309020>>309012Thanks for the reminders to take my magnesium pills and to discuss my { libido | gooning}. As for my libido, it's very low. I don't visit sites with "xxx" or "porn" or "[fetish reference here]" in their names. Thanks for reminding me I am not alone in that trait.
No.309039
fuck everything
No.309040
>>308343A sickness is setting in. My thoughts sink towards decay and the biological inevitability of such. It is likely I will get cancer of some kind and die in a hospital bed.
No.309041
>>309040i feel like a buoy that can't decide if it's sinking or not. neuroticism is a death sentence
No.309053
i feel fucking disgusting
i wish i could overdose on heroin and die, i wouldve mentioned overdosing on
dmt but your body does that anyways so it would be counterproductive
i want a release from all sociability, i know i thought about how i would miss
that, the tiny and unimportant details in the big picture im chasing, but i
honestly, really wouldnt, id miss it for the fomo factor, the factor of holding
out until something better comes along. im so tired of waiting for it, for
something good to finally happen to me, something purely, unabashedly,
selflessly good to happen, directed at me specifically. there is no use in
waiting. my vessel will not change. this soul will not change. my
environment will not change. nothing will change, and everything will stay
as bad as it always was. i cant force my way out. nothing will fix my
problems, not revenge, not rehabilitation, not discipline, not
communication, not redirection, not anything. nothing will fix my problems.
nothing will. not even i can. and if i cant, hell knows who the fuck can.
i cant wait to have to talk to another person and put up a front as if
everything is fine. i miss when i was 13 and could be as depressingly
monotone as i pleased. the same problems plagued me then, now its just
expected of me to deal with them on my own terms and not bother anyone with
them, directly or indirectly (though that was expected of me at 13 too
anyways). i cant force my way out. i cant wriggle my way out either.
i cant ease out. i cant push out. i cant talk my way out. i cant
fight my way out. i cant shove out. there is nothing left for me
to do.
my ego died once again moreover, and now all i have left are scattered
fragments i am now meant to collect and piece together and proceed to
move on with my life as if i have not seen the signs and seen the proof
of god's disdain towards me, openly, everybody's contempt towards me,
my own hatred reflecting back at me, abusing my own self, raping my
own self, torturing my own self.
and this will happen again, all over again.
No.309057
>>309053did you write it in vim
No.309058
>>309057just in regular windows notepad, i had textwarp on that's why the formatting is retarded
No.309059
I cannot tell if dementia is worsening my porn addiction, or if it's the porn addiction that's worsening my dementia. Either way I'm unironically a shell of a man right now, I literally did nothing for the last 12 hours apart from edging, watching porn, downloading porn and regretting all my life choices. Please send help I cannot function like this.
No.309063
>>308741Haven't brushed my teeth in decades, not counting a few instances. Toothbrush leads to blood. Lost my first tooth, the last on the right side at 33. The root was all black. It's been months, I didn't go to the dentist and somehow it's tolerable. Although my nightmares about losing teeth increased in quantity. Who knows, if I hadn't eaten a crunchy baked open sandwich with cheese, it could be there for some time still.
No.309072
Is it rude to say that all wmin should be crucified? Besides our mom's of course…. Like imagine if Forrest Gump crucified every single one if them in his neighborhood, in a movie, …… I'm sorry I already regret…. Posting this, but . I tried playing Tony hawk again but I don't have my controller, thosx2 for Xbox. Hopefully it won't lag too bad. It's for nostalgia….. Obviously plus it's good game probably the new remakes area too expensive…. Tear them all limb from limb, only men are chill, we are the fair sex the smart sex the all powerful, I'm going to read the most depraved grimoires of all time I will be the biggest god ever EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
No.309073
>>309059I've done that before too but now I'm getting weird symptoms like my hand and feet don't want to move their muscles and are fighting me to only be lazy and sit down 24-7 otherwise extremely tired just trying to use muscles very strange if I'm not sitting down, extreme fatigue from sitting pc while life idk
No.309074
I'll never be happy but it's probably important that I maintain hope for a better life, I think.
No.309078
>>309075
Yeah, if you're feeling bad about not fucking prostitutes, you probably have.
No.309081
>>309078Bro how is that faggot still here, thats a blatant violation of wizchan rules >_>
No.309082
I haven't felt /dep/ in a long time, months even
The last thing I felt somewhat down about were the less than perfect results I got on a test, but I reminded myself that I didn't care and after that I stopped putting any effort in, meanwhile I completed the course and I got good results even though I hardly studied, I skipped a lot of days of class too
Somehow not caring made me more successful and confident than the people who were overly invested and stressed
That's what I took away from it, stop caring about jumping through retard hoops in life
No.309094
>>309082yeah being a neet is way superior
No.309095
Brushing teeth is a habit you must develop as a child. By the time you grow up you do it unconsciously.
No.309096
>>309095I wonder if that's how normies do bullshit like socializing, working or positive thinking too. They've been doing them forever the idea of them being something to struggle with don't even cross their mind.
No.309102
>>309095I brushed my teeth regularly up until 18
No.309110
I have a lot of pain every day surviving has become a struggle
No.309111
>>309063this sounds counterproductive, but the more you brush your teeth regularly (no toothpaste needed, that's just for bad breath) the less it will hurt and make you bleed. one thing i do if i cant will myself to brush my teeth is to scrape them on a towel, at least get some plaque out
No.309113
You dense motherfuckers. BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH!
Tooth pain is one of the shortest paths to hell on Earth. And don't just brush them, learn how to do it properly, and learn how to floss correctly. The sooner you start the better.
Yes, your gums will probably bleed the first few times you floss, but that's because they're inflamed from all the plaque, food debris, and bacteria that have built up over time. Healthy gums don't bleed due to flossing, sick ones do. Proper oral hygiene is cheap and easy. Dentists are insanely expensive, and living with a toothache severely affects the two best things in life: sleeping and eating.
Believe me. I know.
BRUSH YOUR DAMN TEETH!
No.309117
I live brooding over past confrontations and aggressions I didn't have the balls at the time to stand up for. I think about getting revenge all day which is almost impossible since I don't have the physical and mental attributes yet to pull it off.
No.309127
>>309117yeah. you still can try gym, though
No.309128
>>309113this is a very good advice, people who have never visited the bottom of tooth rot don't know what they sing up for. it's horrible.
No.309131
>>309113Just eat and drink zero sugar. Problem solved.
No.309144
>>309131not really, but sugar is really bad for teeth, yeah
No.309180
ALL human behavior, every single moment and action of the day, goes like this
If I do this, then that happens
If I do this, then that happens
If I do this, then that happens
from smoking a cigarette, every thing at work, any interaction or conversation with other people
reality has to be some kind of computer program or deduction
No.309184
>>309144Yeah really. How are you getting cavities without eating sugar? Smoking? Not brushing your teeth once a day for 30 seconds? I haven't been to a dentist in a decade, have crowded wisdom teeth, have crowded front teeth, they're yellow, but I avoid tooth aches primarily by not consuming sugar.
Thanks for the condescending comment anyhow! I recommend smart people follow my advice instead. Cheers
No.309185
>>309180Principle of cause and effect. let me guess, just by saying this alone, you are 23?