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The last time I actually felt happy was when I was 8 or 9. Everything I consider "good" is only good by virtue of being marginally less shitty than everything else out there. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I'm scared of death and want to believe I can be "happy" again. Weed is probably the closest I will get to that childlike feeling, but it makes me even more miserable and retarded when I'm sober so I know I have to stop smoking it
Some people come to me and say, I don't have any happy memories, so I ask them: have you ever held a puppy?
>>273993
I remembering going down this anhedonia hole, and thinking, "Man, I remember when I could just play videogames and that would resolve all my psychological baggage."
Then I just picked one up and forced my way through even though I felt really bored and didn't want to play. There was this magical moment about a couple chapters in where I thought, "Holy shit, am I having fun?"
…I should probably force myself through longer videogames more.
I remembering going down this anhedonia hole, and thinking, "Man, I remember when I could just play videogames and that would resolve all my psychological baggage."
Then I just picked one up and forced my way through even though I felt really bored and didn't want to play. There was this magical moment about a couple chapters in where I thought, "Holy shit, am I having fun?"
…I should probably force myself through longer videogames more.
>>273995
Wow. Guess getting older just means going longer in between moments of joy. How sad
Wow. Guess getting older just means going longer in between moments of joy. How sad
When I got accepted into a prestigious (by my shithole country standards) college. Ah man I slept like a baby that night. I thought life was finally looking up. I was in my early 20s, early 30s today. More than happiness it was an inmense sense of relief and hope, not sure I'll ever be able to experience that again.
I was never happy, even as a young kid I recall long periods of time where I would just lay in bed all day long because I was bored and didn't have friends or anything to do. When I was around 21 I remember being prescribed vyvanse for a short amount of time because my parents had taken me to a doctor for my depression and they told me I have adhd. When I took the vyvanse I could actually do things and I played some video games and they were really fun and I felt happy and motivated, but then it wore off and I noticed that I felt even worse than I did before I took it so I didn't use it ever again. That was the single instance of happiness I ever felt. Nowadays I do force myself to do things to just pass the time but I don'treally feel like I'm having fun, usually after 30 minute to 1 hour I start checking my clock and feeling bored
when I was 4 years old
I used to spend the day running around, climbing trees, playing with wooden toys, mom making lunch and listening to the radio, we were poor but we had what we needed
Next year I started preschool and it's all downhill from there.
I used to spend the day running around, climbing trees, playing with wooden toys, mom making lunch and listening to the radio, we were poor but we had what we needed
Next year I started preschool and it's all downhill from there.
>>274000
I have a similiar experience in my younger days. It was summer, I had worked my ass whole year to prepare myself for entrance tests, never was a good learner in school, didn't go to any tutors, just buckled up and powered through the entire school program for those subjects. And it payed off - I joined the of university I wanted to join, for a degree that seemed most interesting to me. But degree was just a half of what I had hoped to find - I wanted to be normal, to be like those damn ordinary people, to have friends and of course, as most young male adults want, a girlfriend. Yes, I was in denial of my nature as a wizard at that time and only now I have truly accepted it.
On the night I received my tests results I was extatic, and so was my mother, who looked like she was proud for me for the first time ever. I remember I decided to go on a riverside to enjoy the last quiet days because life was about to change drastically. The air was fresher than ever before, the sun felt warmer than usual, the water of the river felt like it was touching my very soul. While drying on the sun after a good time in the water I received a call from my university informing me when I should arrive to register my documents. The wonderful feeling of the coming change for the better. Or so it seemed.
First week at the university was good, met a lot of interesting people. Next one was worse, I realized those people slowly grouping up and forming cliques. I still had hope though and kept trying. It never went anywhere, people just saw me as big nothing, as something to ignore no matter how much I tried to be social.
On the last week of september I got hit with my worst nightmare - OCD with in all its perverse glory. Disguisting images started appearing before my eyes no matter what I did on where I looked. Intrusive thoughts about horrifying subjects pummelled my brain all the waking hours and sometimes even in my dreams. I had no rest.
All those naive dreams of bettering my life got crushed. I became even more miserable. Seeing happy normalfags everywhere cheerfully enjoying their lives while I had to witness horrors beyond belief made me severely isolated and distant. At some point there was nothing left of my ambitions of normalcy. In time I realized that I will never be normal, it is impossible after what I have been through and I stopped craving it.
I have a similiar experience in my younger days. It was summer, I had worked my ass whole year to prepare myself for entrance tests, never was a good learner in school, didn't go to any tutors, just buckled up and powered through the entire school program for those subjects. And it payed off - I joined the of university I wanted to join, for a degree that seemed most interesting to me. But degree was just a half of what I had hoped to find - I wanted to be normal, to be like those damn ordinary people, to have friends and of course, as most young male adults want, a girlfriend. Yes, I was in denial of my nature as a wizard at that time and only now I have truly accepted it.
On the night I received my tests results I was extatic, and so was my mother, who looked like she was proud for me for the first time ever. I remember I decided to go on a riverside to enjoy the last quiet days because life was about to change drastically. The air was fresher than ever before, the sun felt warmer than usual, the water of the river felt like it was touching my very soul. While drying on the sun after a good time in the water I received a call from my university informing me when I should arrive to register my documents. The wonderful feeling of the coming change for the better. Or so it seemed.
First week at the university was good, met a lot of interesting people. Next one was worse, I realized those people slowly grouping up and forming cliques. I still had hope though and kept trying. It never went anywhere, people just saw me as big nothing, as something to ignore no matter how much I tried to be social.
On the last week of september I got hit with my worst nightmare - OCD with in all its perverse glory. Disguisting images started appearing before my eyes no matter what I did on where I looked. Intrusive thoughts about horrifying subjects pummelled my brain all the waking hours and sometimes even in my dreams. I had no rest.
All those naive dreams of bettering my life got crushed. I became even more miserable. Seeing happy normalfags everywhere cheerfully enjoying their lives while I had to witness horrors beyond belief made me severely isolated and distant. At some point there was nothing left of my ambitions of normalcy. In time I realized that I will never be normal, it is impossible after what I have been through and I stopped craving it.
happy until i realized i was the same as everyone else and living a pointless life like vereyone else. i dont know how normies can be happy knowing this
Even when good things happen to me now, it's like I cant properly feel it. I improved my life from an objective standpoint but the pain from the past has made me emotionally incapable of appreciating it. I am detached and dissociated
>>274001
Yeah I feel like if I ever got my hands on stims my life would be over since I struggle to control myself around even weed
Yeah I feel like if I ever got my hands on stims my life would be over since I struggle to control myself around even weed
>>274001
Apparently vyvanse is supposed to work like that. Too bad otherwise I'd try it myself
Apparently vyvanse is supposed to work like that. Too bad otherwise I'd try it myself
>>274090
It's meant to be enjoyed, if you are trying to "control" your smoking obviously it won't be enjoyable
It's meant to be enjoyed, if you are trying to "control" your smoking obviously it won't be enjoyable
>>274450
Sorry I meant that I don't have any self-control around weed. I binge it, decide to never get high again, quit for a while, and then eventually go back
Sorry I meant that I don't have any self-control around weed. I binge it, decide to never get high again, quit for a while, and then eventually go back
>>274453
That happens to everyone unless you have infinite funding. Sounds like your problem is not having enough money for weed rather than weed itself.
That happens to everyone unless you have infinite funding. Sounds like your problem is not having enough money for weed rather than weed itself.
>>274455
What makes you think it has anything to do with money? If money was an issue I would grow my own. But it's not an issue. The issue is that it makes me feel retarded. When I'm not high, I feel depressed and anxious and I can't focus on anything. Seems like a shitty trade unless you want to be high all the time, which isn't desirable at all let alone doable.
What makes you think it has anything to do with money? If money was an issue I would grow my own. But it's not an issue. The issue is that it makes me feel retarded. When I'm not high, I feel depressed and anxious and I can't focus on anything. Seems like a shitty trade unless you want to be high all the time, which isn't desirable at all let alone doable.
>>274458
Why is "feeling retarded" a bad thing? Not everyone has neurotypical brain chemistry and can be happy all the time while sober.
Why is "feeling retarded" a bad thing? Not everyone has neurotypical brain chemistry and can be happy all the time while sober.
>>274467
Not everyone does. For me personally, though, I choose not to get high because of feeling retarded
Not everyone does. For me personally, though, I choose not to get high because of feeling retarded
>>274486
Sorry to inform you bro but getting high doesn't make you retarded. You were just born a retard.
Sorry to inform you bro but getting high doesn't make you retarded. You were just born a retard.
>>274488
Really? Because regardless of how retarded I am while sober, I lose about 30 IQ points for at least a few days after smoking
Really? Because regardless of how retarded I am while sober, I lose about 30 IQ points for at least a few days after smoking
>>274489
You're probably smoking spice or some fake shit then. It just sounds like you never tried weed in your life.
You're probably smoking spice or some fake shit then. It just sounds like you never tried weed in your life.
>>274491
Maybe you've just smoked so much that your natural default state is retarded.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/add.15764
Maybe you've just smoked so much that your natural default state is retarded.
https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/abs/10.1111/add.15764
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When I passed college algebra with B when I was expecting a C at best after failing it twice, in a 3-week crash course where I studied every day. I jumped up and down and excitedly told my mom which is something I hadn't done since I was kid except when I passed chemistry. The feeling of happiness I was granted along with how nice the campus I had to drive, the easy-going class, reading books waiting to be picked up, restricting myself from watching some movies I really dug at the time as my reward, posting on an imageboard that isn't around anymore, and new music I was listening to made me feel like my life would turn a new leaf.
But I wondered if the teacher would somehow magically know I cheated a little on the final when I went to the bathroom and therefore I denied my celebration until the next day when there'd be no way to change the grade even though I knew it would make me miserable and my brain crashed so hard it felt like dead weight for hours and my penis didn't work for a couple of days. I will never be that happy again.
But I wondered if the teacher would somehow magically know I cheated a little on the final when I went to the bathroom and therefore I denied my celebration until the next day when there'd be no way to change the grade even though I knew it would make me miserable and my brain crashed so hard it felt like dead weight for hours and my penis didn't work for a couple of days. I will never be that happy again.
>>273993
I'm always posting about anhedonia/ennui/boredom whatever on here because I don't know what else to do and nobody else understands. I'm convinced it's a personality trait at this point because I haven't felt anything real since I was very small. Nothing comes close to gaming as a kid. I got super into reading and guitar but still feel empty. I'm not particularly smart, just cynical.
Even gaming as a kid I probably remember as being way better than it actually was. I'm pretty sure I'm schizoid. I have a rich fantasy world and I think that may even cause the anhedonia. Daydreaming is probably the most memorable thing about my day, to be honest.
My day to day life doesn't make me want to rope. I know that anhedonia is better than psychic agony every moment of every day. But I know that one day that will change and something inside me will break and I will either go into the woods and live as an ascetic or rope. Drugs just make it worse. I don't know what to do.
I'm always posting about anhedonia/ennui/boredom whatever on here because I don't know what else to do and nobody else understands. I'm convinced it's a personality trait at this point because I haven't felt anything real since I was very small. Nothing comes close to gaming as a kid. I got super into reading and guitar but still feel empty. I'm not particularly smart, just cynical.
Even gaming as a kid I probably remember as being way better than it actually was. I'm pretty sure I'm schizoid. I have a rich fantasy world and I think that may even cause the anhedonia. Daydreaming is probably the most memorable thing about my day, to be honest.
My day to day life doesn't make me want to rope. I know that anhedonia is better than psychic agony every moment of every day. But I know that one day that will change and something inside me will break and I will either go into the woods and live as an ascetic or rope. Drugs just make it worse. I don't know what to do.
Anyone else have very distinct memories of what seem like minor things that were fun a long time ago?
for example I can remember levels of games, dialogue, patterns and other things like these as if I did it yesterday.
But these things I basically only did once, like a fleeting moment in a game story but it was really fun at the time and I literally embedded it into memory forever.
I replayed some games, rewatched some things from like 15 years ago and these certain sections are so insanely clear in memory, even if I forgot them until now it made me depressed
Because i haven't ever experienced something like this since like 10 years ago or so.
Some things were so fun back then that I have perfect memory of it, it has never happened again and will never happen again.
Events since then that should be more memorable, like going somewhere new that was kind of fun with many things happening are literally forgotten in a few months but a stupid scene from a game or something was 1000x more fun by contrast back then it's impossible to forget.
I just want something close to that again
for example I can remember levels of games, dialogue, patterns and other things like these as if I did it yesterday.
But these things I basically only did once, like a fleeting moment in a game story but it was really fun at the time and I literally embedded it into memory forever.
I replayed some games, rewatched some things from like 15 years ago and these certain sections are so insanely clear in memory, even if I forgot them until now it made me depressed
Because i haven't ever experienced something like this since like 10 years ago or so.
Some things were so fun back then that I have perfect memory of it, it has never happened again and will never happen again.
Events since then that should be more memorable, like going somewhere new that was kind of fun with many things happening are literally forgotten in a few months but a stupid scene from a game or something was 1000x more fun by contrast back then it's impossible to forget.
I just want something close to that again
>>275254
That's exactly the way I feel bro. I just want that one moment of utter comfy back
That's exactly the way I feel bro. I just want that one moment of utter comfy back
The best way I can explain it is that I'm happy for fairly long periods of time (at least a year) once every 8 years, the only problem being I'm half as happy as I was the time before.
And I've been *this* happy since 1996
And I've been *this* happy since 1996
i can't remember the last time i was happy, i dont think ive ever had a happy or good/decent period of my life.
my childhood was terrifying, made up of psychological abuse, violence, sexual assault, drugs, poverty and alcoholism. i remember being 7 years old and asking my mom "can i please just die? mom im so tired i just want to die".
my teenage years were horrible too, dealing with all of the stuff i dealt with in my childhood still, mixed with the trauma/ptsd of it all finally catching up to me, i attempted suicide and quit school when i was 12. The thought of ever going to school or even just outside terrified me.
Since then i wasted my youth self harming and trying to OD alone in my room, looking thru depression and suicide forums 15h of the day. dwelling in the trauma of the childhood that was taken away from me by a broken family.
i always thought i'd kill myself before i turned 18, but now im still alive and have no direction, no education, no family, no friends. im a failure, i feel like i had every chance ripped away from me without my consent. i feel broken down to my core. i have no hope in a future for myself.
my childhood was terrifying, made up of psychological abuse, violence, sexual assault, drugs, poverty and alcoholism. i remember being 7 years old and asking my mom "can i please just die? mom im so tired i just want to die".
my teenage years were horrible too, dealing with all of the stuff i dealt with in my childhood still, mixed with the trauma/ptsd of it all finally catching up to me, i attempted suicide and quit school when i was 12. The thought of ever going to school or even just outside terrified me.
Since then i wasted my youth self harming and trying to OD alone in my room, looking thru depression and suicide forums 15h of the day. dwelling in the trauma of the childhood that was taken away from me by a broken family.
i always thought i'd kill myself before i turned 18, but now im still alive and have no direction, no education, no family, no friends. im a failure, i feel like i had every chance ripped away from me without my consent. i feel broken down to my core. i have no hope in a future for myself.
This will probably sound lame, but the only parts of my life that I can remember genuinely enjoying were boy scout camping trips. I have gotten pretty intense euphoria from drugs too, but it's not the same as actual happiness.
I'd say around the time I was four or five years old. After that I think I became aware of how my life would turn out.
I'm experiencing a whole cruncha buncha muncha pain, mostly due to post traumatic stress, 90% of the time. But unlike you people, I have not given up hope, and if I ever do, I'll kill myself instead of being a faggot about it and continuing to suffer for no reason.
I experienced calm happiness for the first time when I was 27. I don't really have any memories I return to before then, I wasn't a very happy child. It's been 6 tears I'm happier more frequently now, every few months I get a day. But inbetween I can't remember what it feels like or really that it happened, so it's not very useful in the scheme of living.
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1995. I was 6 years old and life didn't seem so bleak. I was still allowed to play with other kids from my neighborhood. My parents weren't as batshit insane as they turned out later. I had dreams and hopes for the future. I was actually excited to go to school, not knowing that it would be the start of a lifetime of bullying. I was poor, but so was everyone else in the guetto I grew up and as a kid, you don't notice those things. My only worry was not missing my favorite cartoons on TV. Life was simple and carefree. They were better times.
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I'm pretty happy now, I just had a walk and I declared that this summer will be the summer of anon(me). I'm just gonna take it real easy and not give a fuck about anything until the weather cools down
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The last time I was happy was getting drunk with my dad but he's dead now, from the drinking.
August 2010, actually sometime now, 13 years ago almost to the week. I was 18.
The bombs have not stopped falling since. I wrote about this before, on different threads, as the process I will talk about was in an earlier state of its endless drive.
Every year has been a net erosion of my mental state. I have learned much, but only in the way of pure survival of what's left of the disappearing man whose body I wear and whose ailing mind I "am". The blessing is, there was nothing much to begin with, and I've learned not to count "hope for the future" as a valuable possession of mine. It just happily dissappeared along with the traces of life I had. One real permanent destruction of my future, one strip of my soul's wellness, one feeling numbed as if grinded on a satanic stone seen through progressively more myopic eyes, barely recognized as the mind is too indifferent to recognize what's what in this nightmare. What an immense dance playing before me. The shadowy dancers are twisting and twirling around me, waving around ribbons made of my own skin. I'm in the center, both a spectator and an integral piece to it. Can they grab the last force that keeps me alive and spin it into the darkness around? I have several memories from my childhood and teens. My recollection of myself remembering them has struck me as positive. I no longer know the feeling. There were some people I loved, like father. He withered and died a long time ago. I never cried but I feel I owe him a river or two. Maybe we'll meet again dad, but I cannot hurry. There is more to this riddle of "life" I've been reduced to, and there's a solution somewhere. I wish I wasn't so extremely well adapted to this darkness that is actively killing me in the worst possible way as we speak. I do not deserve death row yet I feel I am on it.
The bombs have not stopped falling since. I wrote about this before, on different threads, as the process I will talk about was in an earlier state of its endless drive.
Every year has been a net erosion of my mental state. I have learned much, but only in the way of pure survival of what's left of the disappearing man whose body I wear and whose ailing mind I "am". The blessing is, there was nothing much to begin with, and I've learned not to count "hope for the future" as a valuable possession of mine. It just happily dissappeared along with the traces of life I had. One real permanent destruction of my future, one strip of my soul's wellness, one feeling numbed as if grinded on a satanic stone seen through progressively more myopic eyes, barely recognized as the mind is too indifferent to recognize what's what in this nightmare. What an immense dance playing before me. The shadowy dancers are twisting and twirling around me, waving around ribbons made of my own skin. I'm in the center, both a spectator and an integral piece to it. Can they grab the last force that keeps me alive and spin it into the darkness around? I have several memories from my childhood and teens. My recollection of myself remembering them has struck me as positive. I no longer know the feeling. There were some people I loved, like father. He withered and died a long time ago. I never cried but I feel I owe him a river or two. Maybe we'll meet again dad, but I cannot hurry. There is more to this riddle of "life" I've been reduced to, and there's a solution somewhere. I wish I wasn't so extremely well adapted to this darkness that is actively killing me in the worst possible way as we speak. I do not deserve death row yet I feel I am on it.