I don't really have much to say. That's somewhat the problem. I'd rather not say anything, but the feeling of wanting to vent so as to relieve the pressure of my thoughts/emotions is still there, despite the fact that I can't find anything to say about them.
I feel like I just can't make the right words happen. As if I were pointing at something and somebody tried to ask me what it is and in response I just let out a bunch of "Umms", "Uhhhs", and other assorted exasperations. A proverbial form of duct tape over any sort of expression or communication I make, or would like to make, that I just can't seem to rip off without extreme difficulty or effort, or at least an extreme sense of those things, even though it never truly comes off. Like, even right now, there's something I'm feeling that's bothering me. Simply putting it as, "another night of me feeling depressed & lethargic", would essentially sum it up, but there's more to it than that. Something deeper that I can't grasp or put words to, trying to rearrange it all in such a way that I feel I can say what I really want to say instead of something that feels off the mark even though, "I'm depressed, bored & lethargic", is essentially all it is. Maybe it's just that words, no matter how well they're chosen or put together, can never convey the full breadth of one's emotions or perspective, so there will always feel like there's something missing, leading to a gnawing sense of dissatisfaction & muteness that can never be alleviated.
The lack of articulation, vagueness, beating around a perpetual bush, is exemplified quite well in this clip from TD. That's always how I feel, all the time. Never getting out what I want to say. Just a bunch of, "You know it's….I think what I'm thinking is…..I really just….I don't know." I got a rotten fucking brain of shit that's decayed into advanced ruin after nearly 13 years of perpetual stagnation and to say I can't think clearly would be a massive understatement, so maybe that's just the reason. I was pretty retarded & inarticulate before though, so I don't know. Just shut up. There's a course of action for me to follow. It's all a waste of time and no one cares anyway, so just shut up.
Look at all this shit I wrote. A lot of shit for someone who says they can't communicate. Well, whatever. Just because I typed a lot of shit doesn't mean I suddenly feel like I'm communicating or saying anything of note.
Post too long. Click here to view the full text.