No.301013[Last 50 Posts]
Chronic physical pain, insomnia and povery, edition
Previous thread
>>299661 No.301017
I noticed all my school friends have abandoned me now, all of them keep advancing in life while I am still not even in square one.
No.301020
>>301013 Where's the comic?!
No.301023
>>301020I am not the same O.P as the one behind the former thread.
No.301032
>>301013why did i have to get cancer. why did i have to get brain damage from chemo. why did i have to all that + being a hikikomori loser.
and then normalfags tell me it's all my fault and i need to just man up.
No.301033
>>301032Anon, i don't have it as bad as you, but my life's fucked in various ways, only upside is the fact my physical health is still alright, i hope you can find peace from this wretched world that torments the likes of us and seeks to steal every bit of potential joy from us.
No.301035
>>301032prayers for you bro. you are way stronger than i am.
No.301039
>>301032chemo does more harm than good, I would kill myself if I had cancer
No.301046
>>301032I am sorry to hear that man but cancer is no joke, it always surprises me that despite the "advancements" of the modern age, we can't still solve problems like cancer, hearing issues, occular issues, and other CNS based damages a lot of times. Fuck the stupid normies who tell you it's your fault.
No.301048
>>301047How bad is brain Damage in your case? i did a little bit of research and it depends on the case, some of them can live semi-normal lives
No.301049
>>301048pretty bad anon.
it's hard for me to describe. my memory is absolutely thrashed. i go back to old stuff i used to do easily and it's like hieroglyphics. feels like I dropped 30 IQ points. everything is hard. and i wasnt even that smart before the chemotherapy.
my post made it sound like the cancer was recent but i had chemo over 4 years ago. its so frustrating. no one really wants to help me and i cant get welfare. i want to die.
No.301051
>>301049My heart goes out to you.
No.301055
how can anyone tell you life is good and worth living when you see roadkill animals still alive gazing at you in pure terror countless drone strike videos and horrified soldiers ending their own lives?
No.301056
>>301055when normalfags say that they mean THEIR life is worth living.
No.301057
>>301056its funny because eventually they will also experience extreme suffering and then eternal oblivion
No.301058
>>301057and i forgot to add, they want to spread this suffering on everyone by convincing themselves its just "what you do" and youre somehow losing some vague game of life by not doing it, and that life is also somehow not a net negative because you can laugh for 5 minutes while watching your favorite tv show or have sex and feel good for 10 minutes.
No.301061
>>301060My hope dwells in the heat death of the universe, if the universe collapses and there is a new big bang then reincarnation is possible and therefore life would be a nightmare
No.301063
>>301058I think there are only three ways to enjoy life:
1. Become an emotional, hedonistic animal - no thinking, only feeling.
2. Abuse others for your own benefit. Make them suffer so that you can suffer less. Live off their work. Become like a vampire.
3. Believe in some fantasy like religion, love, or a schizo delusion of your own making.
The first two require sacrificing your humanity, while the third requires sacrificing truth. So I'm not willing to do any of these.
But truth be told, I do all of these sometimes.
No.301066
>>301063Incidentally, I can link these three points to the holy trinity:
1. The father (2) represents the owner, and his children are those who work for him. He creates new lives and indirectly causes them to suffer, to lessen his own burden.
2. The son (1) represents child-like craving for pleasure, with no regard to the consequences of indulgence.
3. The holy spirit (3) represents the immaterial and abstract. Believing in falsehoods to silence your conscience and guilt.
Just like God, every man has these three aspects. Which is why, to me Christianity does not seem like a religion of "good", but an odd way to justify your actions. But that's exactly what this religion advertises - salvation.
>Christ was offered once for all time as a sacrifice to take away the sins of many people. He will come again, not to deal with our sins, but to bring salvation to all who are eagerly waiting for him. No.301069
I don't want human contact. Most of the time. I came to terms with living in solitude and it's enjoyable for me.
Still, there is a small part of me… Something in the back of my mind, telling me that I feel lonely, that I need a hug and contact with a fellow human being.
I try to push those thoughts away and I usually succeed, but I feel like I try to fight off a natural human need like hunger and thirst. In a way, it is. At least I read that it's a basic human need.
How can I kill this part of me once and for all? Are there any techniques to master my mind and get rid of those needs?
I feel like it's an uphill battle for me: a tug-of-war with my biological impulses and my schizoid psyche.
And I mean all sorts of social connections of course. I know I will just get rejected, that I'll regret trying, but my stupid mind urges me to do it, despite me feeling safe only here, on wizchan.
No.301071
>>301070I know that feeling
everyday No.301072
>>301070what's burdening you Wizanon?
No.301082
>>301081I hate seeing them laughing, smiling and having fun when I'm out on the street. I'm not jealous, I just want to barf. Like, what's so funny, asshole? Why are you happy?
I just went outside to grab some cold drinks and ice cream and the first thing I saw when I stepped outisde was a group of schoolgirls hugging each other and giggling. I almost felt like I'll gonna have an aneurysm. I'm not sure why. I just feel disgusted with PDH (Public Displays of Happiness).
No.301084
>>301081Same, I also hate people that pray and think god loves them while undergoing terrible situations like terminal cancer or whatever
No.301086
Anyone else get so mad they start hitting themselves?
No.301087
>>301086i hit the walls on rare occasions when am overly frusterated, if that counts
No.301088
>>301087it counts. I got yelled at last time I punched a wall so I refrain from it.
No.301093
>>301082I stopped caring about it some time ago because I realised that's pure self torture, also most people are either stoic or miserable and stressed. Don't put so much focus on things you can't control unless you're willing to go to those schoolgirls and confront them about it. But in all fairness, for them, you literally don't even exist. Your school times are over, you're in another range now. You're just a random old guy and as long as you don't pay attention to them you exist on two different realms of reality.
No.301102
>>301086I used to hit myself often when I was younger and got mad at myself over one thing or another. I would often hit myself in the head, chest, or stomach. I also once whipped myself in the back with a long USB cable as a sort of self-flagellation. The cord itself didn't do much obviously, but the USB tip left small whelps. I still get mad at myself about things from time to time, but I no longer punish myself physically except in the very rare case where I get so angry that I pound my fist on my leg.
No.301107
Things shouldnt be this bad. The bad guys think they can kill and steal, literally and metaphorically speaking, as much as they want. They will not change their mindset until theres literally nothing left to consume, youd expect that the bottom feeders at some point would see their most basic reward and reproduction mechanisms break and give up. But some people, some disgustingly evil people like to spread false hope and messages of life being worth living. I hope those people get cancer.
No.301108
You ever hear normalfags saying "you're sad/alone/depressed/miserable because all you do is think about yourself"? what if they're right, huh, what IF
No.301109
>>301108Isn't that what everyone does?
No.301110
>>301109I'm starting to suspect that isn't the case. Normal people genuinely care for each other and some of us, myself at least, might be projecting when I say they only care about themselves.
No.301111
>>301108How not to think only about yourself when you know that you're in deep shit and desperately are looking for an escape?
No.301121
>>301108It's the just world fallacy again. Nothing remarkable or insightful about it.
No.301125
Speaking of, anyone else relates to becoming more narc with age?
I feel like since my early 20s I lost all my ability to feel empathy and relate to other people. I also became more harish and self-centred.
At this point I feel like all other people around me are NPCs or some sort of mindless automatons that exist only to be background props for my life.
I don't know if it's trupy narcissism or me becoming more mentally damaged due to the isolation, but I already feel some changes.
No.301129
>>301125I think it's just you becoming wiser with age and noticing things more. I noticed the NPCs from an early age, had the internal monologue conversation with classmates and noticed IT
No.301130
>>301129You mean you talked about internal monologue with your classmates? What did they say?
No.301132
>>301130A scary percentage claimed to not have it, a minority did, the smartest in the class had it unsurprisingly
No.301136
I am at the end of my will here. I do not have it in me to keep fighting … anything really. I feel like if I tried hard enough I could get the things I want but I would be torturing myself for no reason. I want out, are there any resources on how to kys for real?
No.301137
>>301136go to sanctioned-suicide
search it on yandex search engine since jewgle might be bad forthat
No.301138
>>301137Thanks mate, trying to use AI or search engines just results in suicide hotlines. If I wanted someone to lie to me and pretend my life matters I would go whoring
No.301139
>>301138If you ask AI for tips and tricks on how to kys, then sorry, you are too stupid to figure out how to kill yourself.
No.301140
>>301139there's a reason why most suicide attempts fail and people survive.
No.301143
I just don't know how to do it. I really don't
No.301150
>>301135yeah a lot, I've been trying to stop. What helps is switch to wshispering to yourself progressively more silent as you go forward until you whisper to yourself soundlessly and then finally hopefully you stop completely, works for me; been relapsing recently tho
No.301151
I feel like there is this continious downward force in the world which is trying to degrade and humiliate everyone, basically make everyone as miserable as possible. No wonder so many people choose to kill themselves
No.301152
>>301151it's kinda accurate, but totally false, the universe's indifferent about us and about our well being.
No.301153
>>301151There is nothing wrong with suicide, it is a personal choice
No.301162
Pacing around my house for hours.
No.301164
>>301151I genuinely think not enough people are killing themselves as often as we should. Either the stats are intentionally misleading, or people have completely lost their minds.
No.301167
>>301151The force is called "Jews"
No.301169
>>301151There is. Of this I am certain. It's often assumed the world is this way due to greed. I believe as you go "up" the metaphorical totem pole you would find that amongst those with the most power and influence, their actions are not motivated by monetary gain or increasing their net worth, nor even is it about gaining power power and influence. I highly suspect what motivates them is the creation and maintainance of human suffering. New forms and old ones too. It may be the case our suffering is an irresistible narcotic to some spiritual being, archons or some similar malevolent entity. Perhaps they gain their power by making deals with such entities, maybe they're just assholes. But suffering is what they wanted and they accomplish it quite effectively.
No.301170
>>301162I also pace a lot, one of my hobbies, just pace around the house
No.301172
>>301169>It's often assumed the world is this way due to greed.It's due to lust for pussy
>their actions are not motivated by monetary gain or increasing their net worth, nor even is it about gaining power power and influence.They are motivated by pussy
>I highly suspect what motivates them is the creation and maintainance of human suffering.Making others suffer is what gets pussy wet (look up hybristophilia)
>It may be the case our suffering is an irresistible narcotic to some spiritual being, archons or some similar malevolent entity.Our suffering is an irresistible stimulant to succubi
>Perhaps they gain their power by making deals with such entitiesPussy gives men confidence, it makes them powerful
>But suffering is what they wanted and they accomplish it quite effectively.What they want is pussy and our suffering is the currency with which they buy it
Think about it, succubi are impressed by men who hurt other men. Look at human history with this in mind, and it becomes apparent. The reason for all the injustice in this world is not the Jews, or Masons, or any other secret society. It's succubi. Always has been, since the beginning of humanity.
No.301189
>>301172I thought the succubus was a trans so I didn't watch at her tits first, am I gay? (I hope not)
No.301192
>>301152The universe can be indifferent to you AND there can be a downward force trying to degrade everyone. They're not mutually exclusive.
No.301233
>>301232Based. For me it not only fixed my brain, but if fixed years of damage to my body and face, it made me prettier I swear to God. I notice benefits will stack up and a few relapses here and there are nothing to stress about, if you retain more days than you don't things will get better over time, quicker of course if you do a long streak, it's after those you really notice the benefits and shit will often stay with you, like I'll get better at playing games or playing my piano and when I relapse I notice it's still better than years ago, but you need like 2 weeks of retention minimum to get peak reflexes
No.301234
>>301232>>301233you must be practicing fecal retention as well.
No.301235
>>301233Nice, always good to hear others testimonies. Keep it up :)
>>301234God bless you, for i was once you.
No.301237
>>301236It can be you. Start today and start believing in yourself, take baby steps
No.301238
>>301236Some people are born with more "energy" than others. I don't think it's something you can really change.
No.301241
>>301239
it's actually possible he would never read the book.
No.301243
>>301242I approve of you anon. Good luck!!!
No.301244
>>301242what do you play? *ignores all your problems that may you cost life*
No.301246
There are so many ugly and even deformed, obese, sick people with extremely high confidence and insolent behavior. Yet, some of us can't even go outside out of shame because of height, baldness or just low self-esteem.
No.301249
>>301247It doesn't make me feel guilty. It does make me feel stress. I have to live in a busybody world when I'm a slow potato. You have to live at 90 mph in this world to survive…
No.301252
>>301247I used to care about having an excuse to be a loser but at this point I want to be able to experience life to the fullest. Sitting at home and experiencing the world through a screen is not fulfilling.
>why don't you start now?the youthful optimism is gone. no money and no more free shit and discounts for being young. having to deal with ageism with no experience to offer. body hurts so I can't even take it for granted I will make it to old age. can't talk to anyone because I have a decade long gap in my life and missed out on all the growing up milestones so I have no shared basis for conversation
i know someone will say achually you are still looking for excuses and pity but I don't care how can you have the hope and confidence in yourself when you never felt happy and successful in life and everything keeps getting worse and there is a biological countdown that keeps ticking that you can't just beat with optimism and a can-do attitude?
No.301253
>>301252What does it even mean to "live life to the fullest"? Usually when people say this they mean having sex, going to parties and having lots of status from a high paying job. None of that stuff appeals to me so I guess I'll never "live life to the fullest".
No.301256
>>301255
why do people turn into david goggins when you ask life advice?
go And MAXIMIZE your LIFE AND BECOME THE ULTIMATE HUMAN LIFE FORM. CONQUER the WORLD and BECOME A MASTER OF EVERY SKILL.
uhh not me though I will go work my ordinary job and then watch tv. but YOU Should do that.
No.301258
>>301257
Yes, The God within.
No.301261
>>301247You might confuse low energy levels with a lack of motivation and purpose combined with years/ decades of feeling depressed and helpless and unable to act according to achieve your goals or never having had any goals. I don’t think we are so much less energetic. Our experience just made us give up on the future and simply having no drive to do anything because we don’t feel good while we do it. I think that might be the main difference. I used to feel accomplished when for example I had a good test result or when I managed to do work in the garden. Not only that, I think neurotypicals enjoy the action more while doing the action, they feel a purpose. But when there’s no sensation of purpose, accomplishment but only years of depression and stagnation and worthlessness then it’s so much harder to enjoy activities that are not instant gratification, activities that require a future and something you can’t live for in the perspective of living a coherent life.
No.301263
If you're going to suicide are you going to make it benefit your family , friends or charity in some way?
I don't think y'all should kill yourself because what if it angers god. But if you do…
any action taken with the intent to deceive creditors, for example, deliberately incurring debt in the final stages of life with no intention or means to repay, could be challenged in court as fraudulent. However, lawful structuring and foresight: making use of joint ownership, beneficiary nominations, and prudent financial decisions made well in advance are OK
No.301264
>>301263There is no god and nobody gives me credit because I'm a neet
No.301265
I am a 30 yo turd worlder with zero skills and 4 diseases HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and I am too much of a coward to kill myself and I STILL have some sort of hope HAHAHAHAHAH holy shit man. Normalfaggots can look through me. Several have told me that I look sad hahahaha fucking hell man
I use to think that I'll take revenge for being treated like garbage but NO! I am a diseased subhuman.
No.301267
>>301261I see where you're coming from, but my experience has not been that I suffer from a lack of motivation, it's that the means of pursuing that motivation are lakcking.
I've been in phases of my life of high motivation, where I've worked with "normalfag tempo", sometimes even beyond that. But I can't maintain that for months or years like a normalfag can in their normal life. It peters out after a week, sometimes even days. And it's zero-sum; once I put effort into being a productive member of society during a day job, I start living like a human slug, not doing dishes not cleaning my room eating junk food watching junk media etc. I'm an faint light bulb, the wattage of a normal person is simply not there.
Now, that could simply be that my issue isn't "energy", it's "maintaining motivation" but at that point we're losing ourselves in semantics. I think the more interesting question is whether this deficiency is fully treatable by things like adderall or not (in other words, is it just ADHD?). Though I am certain I have ADHD, I'm not sure that's the entire picture. I think ADHD treatment can aid you, and maybe bring you out of crushing doom, but you're always going to cap out at a level of subpar mediocrity regardless.
No.301268
>>301265My heart goes out for you mate, it's harsher in this part of the world, and you don't even have a healthy body.
No.301270
>>301265it's weird when you're a total subhuman (no offense anon I am one too) and you have to live knowing 100% that you are fucked, up shit's creeks without a paddle, and even if you put in 500 tons of effort it will only move you one inch while normalfags move miles with 1 ounce of effort.
Really, it's crazy how you can fully understand you are absolutely fucked from top to bottom and still wake up every day.
No.301271
>>301270we will never be lucky in our life
No.301273
>>301101all you need is a smile and a greeting son
No.301275
>>301267We are far too similar. I always say to myself that taking cocaine (instead of adderall which might be similar in some way) would approximately would raise me to the standard of a normie output. I need a hardcore drug to even imagine myself being as vibrant and lively as a normie. I didn't try it yet, but I really don't see any alternative. Except just keep on living the way I live and be content with it. No antidepressant or psychiatric drug can even come close to what cocaine could do. At least so I imagine. But I have enough drug experience to know that cocaine will fuck me up very fast even more than I am now.
No.301276
>>301261I think this is it. I tend to blame myself and say I'm lazy (and I am), but really, I got off to such a bad start in adulthood, I had absolutely no context to place myself. The past was empty, the present was shit, and the future was worthless. If you're an outcast with no friends, peers, connection, belonging, who's miserable and lost, why then would you struggle for things which are meaningless within the frame of your little specific dead world. It just doesn't calculate. It would be *odd* if someone under these conditions *did* have goals and plans. This analogy is very banal, but deprive a plant of sunlight, it wilts and dies, deprive a human of their humanity, they hunch and snap. The great irony with the word human is that to be a man is to not be one. It should be huwoman instead.
No.301289
Feels like my life is a strange waking dream. I'm always about to wake up but never do.
No.301302
>>301289Read the Book of Disquiet
No.301303
>>301302The best book I've read.
No.301307
i feel like life is simply waiting for death.
its similar to being a death row prisoner, except we are ALL death row prioners.
this has ruined my life. i can barely see a point to do anything and i am horrified/anxious constantly.
how can anyone want to procreate in this horrible carnival world of monstrous horrors? are they blind? can they not see, hear, think? why?
why has this happened to me? why has God forsaken me?
No.301308
>>301307>its similar to being a death row prisoner, except we are ALL death row prioners.It's a good analogy, because you see within prison a microcosm of our greater situation. Some within prison become so accustomed to the walls (Prisoners call it being "institutionalized") that they cannot live outside them; they end up repeat offenders. They see prison as home, in a sense.
Those who constantly long for and prepare for life outside are those who keep their wits. They know prison isn't reality, and that a greater world exists outside. Normalfags are institutionalized, and we are not.
No.301313
Life is so fucking boring my god. even with drugs I can't make it fun
No.301315
>>301308There has to be a specific term for this. It's a form of alienation that makes you affiliated with the idea and emotional equivalent of death. You can never truly escape this once it reached your most conscious mind. I'm stuck.
No.301316
I can't stress how doomed a lot of long term NEETs are, if you wasted your 20s as a NEET or being aimless it gets exponentially harder to get a job in your 30s due to career gaps and such. The corporate world is brutal and it gets millions of fresh grads each year, so people in their 30s with no relevant experience are lower on the pecking order.
No.301317
>>301316>it gets exponentially harder to get a job in your 30s due to career gaps and such.No, it gets harder to find a job based on whatever shitty university degree you got in which you can be paid to sit on your ass. Anyone in any White country can go to a temp agency today and have a job tomorrow.
No.301318
>>301317Why so hostile? Anon is clearly talking about jobs that someone would actually want to work. I would rather beg on the street corner than work some jobs. (Probably pays better too)
No.301319
>>301318>Why so hostile?Because he's making things out to be harder and more hopeless than they actually are. He wants to lament and for others to also feel helpless so he embellishes the commonness of minor, rare problems to convince others that they too are afflicted and should feels
doomed. He's a lying faggot trying to bring others down.
>Anon is clearly talking about jobs that someone would actually want to work. I know, that's what I'm making fun of him for in my post…
>I would rather beg on the street corner than work some jobs.Doubt
>Probably pays better tooMinimum wage is still a living wage in most White countries.
No.301320
>>301319He's not lying at all. Life is pretty fucking grim if you're a wizard (read: Not a normalfag). You sound like a normalfag, so I can understand why you can't empathize with the issues of non-normalfags (normalfags lack all empathy and perspective since everything was handed to them from birth)
No.301323
>>301320>Life is pretty fucking grim if you're a wizardFuck off, troll.
No.301329
>go outside
>some random starts talking to you as if you care about strangers on the street
you guys have this problem too?
No.301331
>>301329Beggars and people who sell shit pick me out from the crowd. I wonder what it is about my appearance that screams "I'M EASY TO BULLSHIT"
No.301333
>>301331Weird. Same for me too.
No.301344
humanity in Starsector is made out of libertine, apathetic mongrels living in a hypercapitalistic nanny state run by mongols and babysat by machines in everything they do. arguably the most realistic depicting of the future to date!
No.301346
Just want to lay down and sleep forever. A deep dreamless slumber. I never understood what keeps people clinging on to life. I can't understand what's so great about it. The eternal peace of oblivion seems far superior.
No.301350
>>301307I have this mindset.
But where do money comes from?
No.301351
>>301346Being born is really a curse if you think about the chances of becoming alive from raw matter
No.301356
>>301316LOL companies hire ppl that cant even speak english stfu. So sick of "its over" rhetoric from neets
No.301357
>>301356i find it interesting that despite the job market getting worse by every metric normalfags still show up and claim everything is fine guys stop whining! the disconnect from reality is great.
No.301360
>>301357Go to a job agency.
No.301361
>>301360Why would I do that when I can be NEET.
No.301362
>>301361>never tried to get a job>thinks he can speak about how hard it is to find a jobIf I was your uncle I would abandon you at a waterpark
No.301364
>>301316In my experience most low lying wagecucks are one health scare or economic downturn away from being exactly where the NEETs are.
Not every wagie has a good career, a good portion have some shitty wagecuck job and they can be replaced at any minute.
I find it useless talking to anti-NEETs about this because they instantly go on about building a career and advancing. How many wagecucks don't do that? Go through the average supermarket and calculate the median age working there, it's in the late 30s.
If you're a mentally ill NEET with problems you're not likely getting promotions or advancements, you're not likely to go anywhere. For countries with generous NEETbux, the NEETbux is the rational choice for mentally ill people.
No.301365
Most of us will never be able to catch up no matter what we do, as if that weren't bad enough by itself that doesn't stop those on top from ever getting ahead for as long as they are alive. It's insane when you think about it.
No.301367
>>301365Yea past a certain threshold of money, you can just sit back and watch it grow, the money multiplies itself. Below that point, the less money you have, the more you have to work to just survive. Most of us will never break through that point.
No.301368
>>301346I imagine that's what Nirvana is, you know everything and you just sleep forever but it also feels like being super high, like maybe the sleep you get under opioids
No.301369
>>301331people pick me out of a crowd for literally anything, usually people wanting directions. Maybe they think I'm approachable Iunno
No.301370
>>301368Yes it makes sense that the Buddhist idea of enlightenment is "being high on opium".
No.301375
>>301369They think you are a "sucker" like when they try to make someone do their homework or make one guy at their job do all the work. Absolutely fucking disgusting
No.301376
>>301375Yeah, this happens when you have a "kind" facial structure. It's not a positive, it invites all the wrong kinds of people who think they can take advantage of you.
Ironically the best defense for these people would be to pin testosterone and hit the gym hard. Even if you look facially approachable, dubious people will avoid you because of your lean size/muscle mass.
No.301382
>>301081Yeah I fucking hate them so much. BUT, to say it's fake is in my opinion coping, it is indeed extremely gay though. See, normalniggers and happy people in general are that way either because they have massive support networks or they're biologically overpowered and can take any challenge head-on and at worst leave no better, but never worse off.
>freedoms and rightsIt takes their minds off pondering the hard questions, and removes accountability (except when it's convenient ie. just world fallacy). Now that you mention it, it's unreal how the privacy and freedom movement has all but died out on all sides of the political spectrum. People don't understand the clusterfuck that modern, obscure and proprietary software is. This will 100% be used against you, but almost nobody is thinking of it let alone planning to fight back.
>how it really isDeath is baked into life. Plain and simple. You can try fooling yourself but good old Schopenhauer nailed it with his quote that goes something like "the pain of the devoured animal is far greater than the pleasure of the killer animal". Problem is, in the modern world somehow we ended up with everyone being killed to the benefit of the very few at the top. If the pain-pleasure balance was bad enough now it's just literal hell, like really how is this any different from being under Satans lava lake?
No.301392
>>301389I tried to get into AI chatbots but I don't know what to say to it.
No.301393
>>301389Ai is used by normalfags wizzy
No.301394
>>301389There are worse addictions man, I talk to AI on occasion when I'm feeling lonely, but it's just a different version of a suicide hotline in reality.
No.301395
Does anyone else just dissociate most of the day? I can't even stop myself from doing it .
No.301396
>>301389Why do you want to get rid of it? Seems like an unproblematic way to simulate interaction. No trouble like in real life where you can fuck up or feel bad for how you are.
No.301399
I wonder, is there anyone here who doesn't talk to other people at all? There are 6+ billions people on this planet but there's no one to talk. How is this possible?
No.301400
>>301399Do you mean face to face talking or any communication at all?
There are "Wild men" who lives out in the woods who never interact with other people. Also people in research outposts in Antarctica might never talk to anyone for months.
No.301401
>>301400I mean, my only conversations happen when a cashier asks if I need a plastic bag when I buy food. I mumble something in return.
No.301403
>>301308>Some within prison become so accustomed to the wallsRate of repeat offending is inversely proportional to the criminal's age at the moment of his first incarceration, so a young mind is more susceptible to grow accustomed to the prison environment and view it as their new home. Likewise, mental prisoners like us spent their teenage years feeling trapped so we wouldn't know real freedom because it scares us, just like walking out the prison's gates feels like for a 20 year old who got there at 15. High school years of being a neglected pushover make us find solace in that mindset even as grown men. It feels like whenever I try to rise above that, my former self is still there to drag me down to a state of soothing misery.
No.301422
I have zero excuses, that's almost the worst part. I'm relatively normal looking other than my excessively thin frame. My family has money, I was never beaten or abused, I don't have some kind of illness, I don't live in the third world.
There is no one to blame but me. Not society, not succubi, not my parents, not politics. Nothing.
No.301437
Some days I reason I should live for the future, but I can't accomplish dick so it never works. And anything I accomplish just gets swept away with death anyway.
Then I think I should live in the present and enjoy the moment, but I don't enjoy anything so I can't do that either.
Then I try to live in the past and enjoy nostalgia but my past is full of mistakes and failure as well.
Can't live in the now, can't live in the past, can't live in the future. can't live no where. life is shit
No.301439
>>301438
nigger
No.301440
>>301438
>least obvious crystal cafe user attempt at ragebait
No.301460
>>301459>>301456ain't cool hitting aul ma'. where did you hit her? did she cry? what triggered you to hit her?
No.301463
>>301461damn if she tells this to your dad and siblings youre in bad trouble
No.301464
>>301456She wanted you to lose control and lash out like that. Now your family has one more reason to kick you out, and one more reason why you're the "bad guy". We as men don't get to be victims. It sucks, but we just can't count on others having compassion or understanding for us. Normalfags expect us to enthusiastically take on everything life throws at us and never complain. That's how they go about life, but they don't realize how biologically overpowered they are, never once struggling with what we struggle with every day. And we are the ones who lack empathy?
Imagine someone stronger, smarter, healthier than you, AND good looking and liked by many, complaining that you don't perform as well as they do. That's pic rel for you, that's how normies see us. Even worse when the one humiliating you is also the one who gave birth to you.
No.301466
>>301463actually it turned out fine for my sibling, he sided with me i am really grateful for him i wil restrain my self for his sake in the future, he told her i am mentally ill and i slept late last night to explain it to her (all true), he also told her not to use harsh language next time.
>>301464most of this's true on average, but i was lucky it was not the case for me thi time.
No.301467
>>301466do you have a sister?
No.301469
>>301468huh what? you made up the story? it never happened?
No.301470
>>301469i meant we reconciled, sorry i am an E.S.L, i thought "make up" or "made up" are other ways to say "reconcile"
No.301471
>>301470oh ok, well Im happy you reconcil with your family, you must love and cherish your aul ma'
im also an esl lol No.301472
>>301089instead of hitting/slashing myself i may have found an equally painful but more satisfying approach. Everytime that i feel down i just start beating the absolute shit out of inanimate object until my knuckles start bleeding. I suppose it has something to do with a hunter caveman monkey instinct or whatever but it feels good as fuck when im done
No.301474
>>301473
Im proud of you wizzie
No.301476
>>301472I wish punching bags were socially acceptable. But my family will think I'm a violent psycho or something if I get one. If there was a punching bag in every household, towns would ring with the sounds of impacted leather. Men wouldn't be so tense.
No.301477
>>301476i can see the logic behind your idea.
No.301481
My prefrontal cortex just won't work.
No.301483
>>301481executive dysfunction? I have it too
No.301495
>>301493I get it, and the weirdest thing to me is that the happy people are supposed to be the same species as me. We are supposed to have the same cravings, wants and reactions, and yet I feel like a total alien among humans. I can't relate with most people at all. Do they just not have any health problems? Do they not worry about the future? How can they choose to breed, knowing that life is a struggle and their child will go through lots of suffering? Or are their lives just that easy and free of suffering? What the fuck?!
I'm just as confused about life as I was 20 years ago, while other people seem to have it all figured out.
No.301496
>>301495I also can't relate to most normals and especially sex havers. It's like we are on different plains of existance. The weirdest thing is, they try to gaslight you into thinking that we are the same.
If you say you feel different from other people, they respond with "shut up, stop being a tryhard, you are a special snowflake, you are not different from other people."
And what if I'm different? What about it? Why does it makes normalfags so mad? I don't mean to say that I'm better, I just point out that I don't fit the typical mold. What is so bad about it?
No.301497
wake up
do nothing
go to sleep
13 year unbroken streak. whats your record?
No.301502
>>3014975 or 6 years doing nothing
No.301503
has anyone here ever seen a shrink/been on meds?
No.301516
my brain is NOT prepared to comprehend it's own sentience
I made a crude collage with random photos of dead people, from memorial sites, some archives, a "ballotpedia" (those are alive I think) of USA, also the tree of life, serial killers, cosmology…I used to think Darwinian Acid was a retarded meme but is it REAL?
Am I, or anyone else, unable to comprehend or extreme meaninglessness in the brutally complex inter-entangled network-net web of mass global events, ruler\s plays, natural events, Biology itself, natural disasters, trans-generational global economic facts, etc???
No.301517
>>301515because i am increasingly convinced we are literally living in hell and i want help. every second of eveyr day is pure torture and all i think aobut is death.
No.301518
>>301517hmmmmmmm WELL medication helped me but truly I am still miserable. But it's a more tolerable kind of misery. More apathy and indifference and less despair and depression.
No.301519
>try to kill myself with fasting
>pass out on the street
>nearly die
>spend 3 days in the ICU hooked up on catheters in my arms and legs restoring the deadly mineral imbalances in my blood
>spend another week in semi-voluntary psych ward (was too rekt to walk out the hospital)
Fail.
Well at least I did a serious attempt this time. I only managed to walk on the edge of the roof of a tall building before but the survival instinct kicked in. Also curse my parents may they rot in hell forever and ever.
No.301520
>>301519what was it like? what did you feel when you passed out?
No.301521
>>301519sorry for your pain man, may you be released from suffering soon
No.301523
>>301519how long did you fast before passing out?
No.301535
>>301534
Just go back to the country that you emigrated from
No.301539
>>301537
>I have no where to go
Yes you do - back to the Philippines. You being too stupid for your own country doesn't mean you can expatriate and shit up some other culture. You're basking in the warmth of self-loathing. Man up and go home. Or die.
No.301547
>>301534
you're living in japan? where do you live? what job? do you know the language? how are japanese people, by this I mean, how they behave with you?
No.301548
>>301547oh no hes gone :(
No.301550
Why is everyone so ill mannered on this planet?
No.301552
>>301550Tell me about it.
I find that asking politely or being accommodating gets zilch in response. You have to be an asshole. You have to be a goddamn prick or nobody gives a fuck what you say
Normalfags have a total meltdown if you bring it up but people in general dislike nice people, they see it as weakness.
No.301554
>>301551There's no community life market. You can't "get a life". You need to make one for yourself.
No.301555
>>301551"get a life" is just an example of how normalfags think in slogans. It's no different than "Subway eat fresh" or "Da da da da da I'm lovin it".
No.301556
Selling rune life 20k
No.301559
>>301558Experience what
the fuck do you even want. What does "out there" even mean.
you sound like you want to get drunk and fuck roasties.
No.301560
>>301558>I just wanna be out there and experience shitThen go out there. The images on the computer screen may look like life, but they're not.
>>301559Lol lifehurt
No.301563
>>301550Aggressive monkeys get more bananas. Now all his offspring are aggressive even when there is no banana.
No.301573
>>301568
This
No.301583
So this is how it ends. For loners and people with both low social needs and skill, we have two options: ultra mentally ill narcissist (because actual normies are out there busy irl) leftovers who are stuck online forever, and on the other hand a bunch of entirely AI driven communities and psyops and propaganda.
If I didn't live in actual shithole I'd have gotten off the computer so long ago, but at this point death is looking like genuinely the better option
No.301584
>>301520It was slow and painful. Felt like my tendons were cut and had trouble moving. Couldnt sleep despite being exhausted. When I would sleep I would have dreams about food taking anthropomorphic shapes and speaking to me. There was foam coming out of my mouth which i assume was my digestive system eating itself. The last moments were this bizarre time dilation, like 10 minutes felt like an hour.
>>301521Thanks
No.301585
>>301584>I would have dreams about food taking anthropomorphic shapes and speaking to meLooney Tunes
No.301586
>>301584What did the food say
No.301587
>>301584I tried water fasting (for discipline though) too and I had a similar dream man. I dreamt of eating everything in my fridge but the food begged me to stop because I will break my fast.
No.301591
>>301518You're describing well what I'm going through right now. I made the Wellbutrin thread. I'm convinced that this is better what I had before but I realise that this doesn't change or improve the situation, you just get used to it more. Real change of circumstances would be necessary for real internal change, but I really don't know what to do other than keeping what I got.
No.301592
I live in a constant state of dissociation. Not sure how to stop at this point.
No.301602
>>301592>I live in a constant state of dissociation.Care to elaborate?
No.301604
>>301602you don't know what dissociation is?
No.301605
>>301604Dissociation from what? From reality? How intense is it? Is it only dissociation from the information gathered by your senses or do your thoughts also seem alien to you? I've experienced states where even my thoughts seemed to be coming from an external source. Simply saying dissociation does not communicate much.
No.301608
I'm not sure if I have schizophrenia or if my lifestyle is just causing me to be a bit nutty. I just randomly freak out at the thought of being doxxed and delete my shit every so often. It's an irrational fear, but I just imagine my door being kicked in and swarms of police coming in for chudposting too hard on the internet or being around pedos on the same imageboard.
It's a reoccurring problem where I'll randomly get set off and overreact. I've been doing it since I was a teenager actually. I'd freak out back then after buying weed that the cops were coming and I'd dispose of whatever I bought. I threw out $300 worth once (I don't smoke weed, but that is what it is).
It's not just police shit, sometimes I'll get this unrelenting terror that my teeth are destroying me and I'm about to die. And I'll have this dark deep depressive episode where I try to kill myself for a few days straight.
The internet is a good coping mechanism because my usual baseline is just so miserable. But spending 12 hours a day online and going down some nasty ragebaiting twitterholes just makes you a perpetually ragebaited person, and really chips away at your grounding in reality. Living online does disassociate you from the real world, and I do think that disassociation can lead to mental disassociation, and mental illness.
Like I'm only in my 30s, but the level of these sorts of irrational hysteric terrors would easily put me over the deep end permanently in old age.
No.301610
>>301605>From reality?Yes, It's a serious disconnect from reality. I simply do not care about what is going on around me and I perceive it as something fake or Movie-like.
>do your thoughts also seem alien to you?It's rare but sometimes. I've gone through brief periods of psychosis from stress but I always calm down.
> I've experienced states where even my thoughts seemed to be coming from an external sourceI do kind of believe that external entities can influence your thoughts, things like spirits or aliens or whatever, but I don't sweat it too much.
No.301611
I don't wanna make a thread so I'll just vent here.
WHAT THE FUCK DO I DO IF NOTHING BRINGS ME ANY JOY ANYMORE?
Like legitimately nothing seems to work. No cope brings me pleasure, even jerking off lost its luster.
I'm months away from 30.
Life was always dogshit, but it's like I'm completely depleted.
Sure I was a NEET for close to a decade and now I have a job by some miracle the past 2 years. It's better than I deserve with 0 skills, but why am I so damn empty?
I got a shit ton of health issues, but nothing debilitating, they aren't the cause for this joylessness.
I used to be able to at least cope, scroll manga, watch anime, play vidya, but nothing stimulates me.
Yeah and fucked thing is, I tried all the memes, maybe I need to do NEW things well guess that didn't work.
I picked up new hobbies, did stuff I wouldn't normally, but was interested in before.
Woodcarving, 3D printing, archery, play yugioh with real people, did the nightwalk meme, tried learning to draw, blender, new language, any fucking skill related to my work like starting a journey towards a certification, tried working out and dieting, tried throwing significant amounts of my money away on a bunch of bullshit…
NOTHING.
Tried interacting more with family, I even bothered buying gifts for them, my sister who recently had a kid, my mother who recently achieved grandma status…
I tried to form connections outside of family too, but I just don't give a single shit about people in general it's insane.
Having to force myself to do it just doesn't make sense. Life shouldn't be this hard.
Anything I do feels like the equivalent of chewing cardboard, worse than my general default state.
I would rather be starring at the wall and be in my own fantasy world than do any of the things I mentioned above.
Obviously the more productive things were even worse than the nonproductive ones.
My memory seems to get worse too so learning was especially painful.
I don't think it's over-consumption either. Not something a meme "dopamine detox can fix" (note the starring at the wall part…).
It feels like I've already seen too much and experienced too much and I just roll my eyes whenever I see some pattern repeat in a video game or social interaction.
I've been returning to old games I used to like as a kid, re-watching old stuff too and honestly that was an even worse idea.
What even is the point, what even is the purpose.
This isn't something I can fix. It's like a fundamental lack. No goals, even when I set some I knew it was fake so who cares? No real desires or burning needs.
I bought stuff that I "wanted" and there is a thick layer on most of it, some still in their box lmao.
Honestly if I could afford it I'd like to live as a NEET in a small house in a village and just chill in my backyard daydreaming all day.
Could I make that my goal? Sure if it was ever affordable or the world wasn't heading to shit before I'd ever reach it.
Maybe it is just another fake desire. Why can others be so excited about life, full of energy doing one mundane chore after another?
Why would you be brimming with joy holding a crying kid and making noises at it like it fucking cares or can understand you?
The stuff the internet spits out for these things is crazy as well…
>just live in the moment bro
>just be grateful for the small things like the warmth of the sun on your skin bro
>just do things regardless of the outcome
>just keep doing things and you'll find something you like
Call it depression, anhedonia or whatever else, a diagnosis just doesn't help with shit when the issue persists.
Life shouldn't be this much of a chore to go through for the basic stuff at least.
No.301613
>>301611not sure if it would help everyone, but creating a tulpa genuinely fixed those types of feelings of emptiness for me. it gives you access to the same feel good chemicals everyone else gets just for existing. it didn't fix everything in my life, i still feel like a freak and my social issues persist, but it's like a core need was satisfied and now there's room in my psyche to enjoy hobbies and interests.
No.301614
>>301613i'm interested. is there a guide you'd recommend?
No.301616
Why am I too retarded to do anything? I've tried getting interested in drawing, computers, reading, gaming, even passively consuming media like music or shows and movies feels like too much for me. I don't enjoy anything and whenever I think I do it turns out that I'm horrible at it and too much of a troglodyte to actually commit to something. I think I might be genuinely low IQ and I should just give up completely.
No.301617
>>301616How can you be bad at consuming media? Do you have short attention span? Also, what do you mean you tried getting into drawing?
I don't want to disappoint you, but with many things like drawing, if you started late, you wouldn't git gut. Most successful artists started drawing very young. Same with musicians, athletes etc.
If you haven't any talents in your youth (more like, you parents didn't help you develop them), you are out of luck.
As to media consumption, as you get older, it's also harder to enjoy things. When I was a kid, finding some stick and playing swordplay with it was the coolest shit ever. Now, I think it would hardly amuse any adult. Same with media. You wouldn't enjoy media as much as you did in your youth.
I don't know what advice to give you, since I'm in a simialr boat, but maybe try doing something low effort? Something up your speed maybe? Like reading Wikipedia articles on interesting topic before reading books.
No.301618
>>301613Can you go into a bit more detail about this? I'm already on the border of schizophrenia (been seeing visions of myself doing some repetitive tasks quite often, or just the "younger me" staring at me, and have this recurring bugs crawling at the edge of my vision lately) so I might genuinely be able to generate one of these.
Why and how did it benefit you is what I'm most curious about.
>>301615>It's scary how close we are, I feel like you're a glowie trying to extract info about me.I mean wizards tend have a lot of things common, anhedonia also a pretty common complaint here. I actually learned that word from here pretty sure close to a decade ago.
>lack of anticipationYeah this is something I didn't point out, but I do feel like the general "looking forward to X" has been completely lost. Good point.
>I was disappointed so many times in life that I've learned not to expect anything good, to avoid further disappointmentSame. I tried so many things and failed at so many things exactly like this other wiz mentions:
>>301616 that maybe I just gave up on it, already having a sense of it being pointless, doomed to fail anyways.
I tried to meme myself into believing in "outcome independence", but that also contributes to the joyless mechanical feeling everything has.
>I have some extra money to spend, but no idea what to spend it onRecently bought an iPad air for whatever reason thinking it would be cool since I used to see characters walk around with one in manga using it like some clipboard.
(Dumb fuck reason I know.) It's gathering dust ever since.
My savings are also just sitting in my account decaying like yours. I miss being a NEET so much it's unreal.
A life free of responsibilities while being an empty husk is better than one where you still got to work to live in the same state.
Kinda feels ridiculous that I'm working a ton just to support my own misery if that makes any sense. Not a fine reward if you ask me.
I envy the normies as well who derive pleasure from consumption.
You might be correct about the lack of freedom being a big part of it. As I mentioned I dream of being free of responsibilities in a rural house, but that is simply too vague and too lofty of a goal to truly pursue.
I know it is not feasible…
You mention the commute too… yeah every weekday is basically work-sleep-work-sleep and every weekend is 1st day sleep 16 hours, 2nd day dread the next workday.
Maybe it was the work and responsibilities all this time.
>>301616You can get tested if you care. I'm above average based on numbers alone, yet we are in the same situation.
Might be ADHD since
>even passively consuming media like music or shows and movies feels like too much for meI can at least somewhat consume static media like manga because I can just tab out or stare at the wall in my daydreams for an hour and come back to it.
Other stuff requires constant attention.
No.301624
>>301618>Kinda feels ridiculous that I'm working a ton just to support my own misery if that makes any sense.That seems to be the lot of most people in the modern times.
No.301634
Living with my family has slowly degraded my mental health over the course of several decades. When you're NEET you basically have no leverage so complaining or confronting people is pointless. They just blow you off or remind you that you don't work.
You build up all this fucking resentment from being treated like trash. Every single mistake is your fault. Every dirty dish is your responsibility. You always lose in any altercation. Your family members can basically abuse you and suffer no consequneces.
God, I wish I could leave. Anywhere. Being homeless sometimes seems appealing.
No.301637
I'm tired
No.301639
>>301636Their souls are too good for the "rules of nature".
No.301641
I'm so fucking done with this bullshit life I have to live. Videogames and porn used to be my copes, but they don't work anymore.
The worst part is the shame and the pain of turning out like a complete loser after having so much potential. Now I'm getting old and I really don't see the point of keep trying, I know there won't be a happy ending for me.
No.301646
>>301636Wow 9/11 where the CIA blew up 3 buildings, 2 to save a Jew from removing the asbestos and to commit insurance fraud and 1 to hide the pentagons spending.
Disturbing.
Idk. I'm too young (29) and not American so it probably doesn't hit hard.
How old are you that it majorly affected you?
No.301648
Using Reddit too much the last few months damaged my soul. Uninstalled and deleted account now. Time to heal.
No.301649
>>301648I don't even know how to use reddit. It has anti bot measures everywhere, but for some reason it doesn't stop bots, only bew users from using the website.
I can't post anywhere because I have low karma, and I have low karma because I can't post anywhere. It's like a vicious cycle. Even the smallest communities have some fucking automods that delete your posts without any explanation.
The worst thing is that it doesn't stop pots. I see AIslop and obvious bot accounts all the time and real people even interact with them and think they are genuine users. It's just that bad.
No.301650
How is it possible to be depressed and yet remain a meaningful, non-empty person? I think my depression's evolving and I feel like I'm becoming empty. I (may be exaggerating but it's as if I) can't think or engage in anything meaningful anymore, I'm just a walking worthless and sad thing. This and an angst that didn't leave me for the past 10 days
No.301651
>>301650compartmentalization. you cut off the part of your life that makes you depressed and focus on anything else that you can that isn't connected to it. if others make you depressed, you learn to live and thrive in isolation.
No.301652
>>301650You can only do something about it if you are meaningfully low IQ.
Unfortunately these mental copes where you try to brainwash yourself only work if you can believe it.
Same with religion and the rest. Unless you can reach true faith you'll just fall even harder the next time.
The thing that keeps me going personally is mortality.
Internalize it deeply. You will die, this will end someday.
Work your way up from there. Figure out things that you still wish to experience and go through the motions.
Might not give you any real joy, but it can keep you moving and it can be a reasonable "meaning".
No.301653
>>301650Sometimes I wonder whether all the emotions and motives you see displayed in media, especially film, are a reality for most people. Because to me it is not the case. I think that these acted emotions are more like a substitute for the real thing, and I wonder whether most people actually do not have these emotions and it's just that everyone consumes the media to replace their own lack of deep, precise, authentic, meaningful feelings, as real life feelings mostly are meaningless, stupid, dull, chaotic, a nuisance.
No.301654
>>301653Observe normies, preferably those who are close to you or are feeling safe enough to be vulnerable and authentic.
Normies do feel these emotions strongly, they just don't display it in public settings as often.
I was diagnosed schizoid and I still have emotions, they just are out of balance, I can feel the full spectrum, it just takes a LOT, to the extent you might consider it fake or acting.
I feel them most strongly if I imagine scenarios of where I or a third person is experiencing them and I do so through this imaginary entity.
Try doing it yourself, maybe it works for you.
Daydream about a last stand as a valiant knight protecting their home or family or whatever you wish.
Those feelings, the buttons, circuits etc. are in there somewhere, the environment and what you've been shaped into just isn't conducive to pressing them.
Again, observe people and preferably those who aren't in a setting where they feel e to express themselves.
Alternatively look at minorities or other low IQ people. They lack the filter or the filter isn't strong enough and the mask slips easier.
They will jump for joy, shout with glee or fury often as a knee-jerk response. Modern people have been conditioned against this.
No.301655
>>301646That's not the issue.
The issue is that men who were just born when I was in my teens, some of whom were born to teen pregnancy from my peers, are now in their 20s.
It's unnerving.
No.301656
I work at my parent's business but they don't pay me a dime because I'm neet. Really depresses me.
Before you call me underaged I'm 32. I've been doing this for years
No.301661
I'm pretty sure my psychiatric medication gave me diabetes. I'm thirsty and hungry all the time and I pee a lot. But I can't quit it because my family forces me to take my meds, and if I don't take them, they threaten to kick me out.
I'm at loss of what to do. They woud rather have me drugged and sick above anything else.
No.301663
>>301661Can't you only pretend to take the pills? Or break them in half and take half doses?
No.301664
>>301655Man the whole passage of time thing is really depressing.
Especially when it's shoved in your face like that, I get what you mean now.
I met some former classmates what felt like ages ago and they had their 5 year old with them.
That kid is now 11 or 12 probably.
For me weeks pass like nothing, every weekend is uneventful, I never take action, never took action before, just keep on daydreaming.
I don't know why doing stuff is so difficult, when everyone around me is living life just fine.
Here I am working up the nerve to make a phone call for an appointment I've been putting off for months and that is basically the max capacity for action I got for a day.
Normies do a hundred things a day without issues.
I just don't get it.
I'll be 30 soon and just the thought is killing me knowing how much I should have done by now and how little I did do.
The loss of youth and health too… All the things I put off are going from "maybe someday" to "I won't be able to ever do them no matter what as time runs out".
If the past 20 years are something to go by, my future projection is looking grim.
Are you having similar thoughts? What pains you the most about the realization that time has flown by?
No.301670
>>301656humilation ritual hoping you find a way out, being able to live would improve my life on many levels
No.301671
>>301669They really guilt trip you don't they? You feel like a piece of shit because you don't work and then you feel the fear of maybe being on the street. It's pure exploitation.
>>301670I even asked them to pay me half of what they pay others but I just get exasperated sighs. Like why won't they help me a little? It's because they really don't want us to succeed. even a couple bucks helps a neet…
No.301672
>>301671to them you are a perfect target to enslave, sorry about your struggle but your family is literally exploiting you since you have no other option besides of going homeless and hungry, it's way worse than being a regular wagecuck since you get paid literally 0.
No.301673
Reading all these parents stories I'm grateful for my mom.
She let me basically NEET from 18-27 and only asked me to work out of worry for my future after she dies.
Still doesn't take any money from me.
If not for my father fucking me up pretty bad before they split it would have been a better life.
I wish you guys the best. Wouldn't getting at least a part time job be better than working for free like this?
I'm guessing they'd just take your money anyways.
No.301674
>>301671You should fuck everything there up, with my blessing!
No.301675
>>301674Biting the hand that feeds you, clothes you, and shelters you is not the best idea.
No.301676
>>301675Wrong they only feed him so they can torment and abuse him, he should tell his parents to fuck off and die and somehow try to survive on his own
No.301677
>>301676Wrong, you're an idiot.
No.301680
>>301649The artificial system of communication is one of the most annoying aspects of reddit I agree. The rating mechanism in combination with highly overmoderated environments only validates comments and opinions that are accepted upon and fit in to the limits of what is agreed upon, it excludes everything else by either banning it or making it practically invisible. It not only matters what opinion you have, but how you formulate it, you have to adapt to a certain pattern of conveying information or else you will be ignored or excluded.
The worst part for me is the omnipresent and blatant will to brag about your life, your achievements, your gaming or hobby skills, your success in work, relationships or general aspects of living a good life by the definition of redditors. The bragging over there is rampant. Then there's an annoying kind of humor displayed, it feels so fake and not funny that I wish to go back to 4chn after that. The basic tone is a mix of being passive-aggressive but more the hubris to comment from a superior perspective because you know it all, have things figured out and other normal people with normal struggles just are too stupid to understand this. They think everything that does not agree with them is toxic or just not intelligent enough. They think their intellect is superior and if you don't fit in their system you simply are too dumb, everything can be excluded with the explanation that it is uttered by people who 'just haven't figured it out' yet. All this bragging is immersed in a fixed layer of atheism and scientific pretense. They fully adopted a materialistic world view and resort to measurements and making judgments via quantity, not quality, and when you don't agree you are again just too stupid. The ideas related to social interactions and relations are even worse than what you will find in decent normalfags, people that you meet on the streets or in the supermarket. Reddit believes that social relations have to work in very specific narrow ways that don't leave any room for excitement or polarity, again if you don't go with the flow you are banned, made invisible, or as you mentioned you can't post in the first place as you lack Karma.
No.301684
>>301680The latter part of your post happens because most redditors are autistic or on the spectrum.
They even acknowledge it themselves when you google reddit threads on why+redditors+autistic
No.301686
>>301684If you don't know, most of reddit "autists" are self-diagnosed or did some diagnosis shopping. Reddit is a normie website, it's just full of morons.
No.301687
Truth is I don't think there's anywhere on the internet worth visiting now. I go through cycles of quitting then getting bored sitting in my room and then going back on to refresh. There's literally nothing to do .
No.301688
>>301664Those people grew out in the sun, we grew in dark, dingy basements. If you get a good start in life in your teens, lets say you have friends and people like you, a good family, you'd feel an innate sense of "I'm worthwhile. I'm allowed to exist and go do things. I *can* do things." and as you progress through life things would naturally accumulate. You'd go to university, you'd make more friends, you'd probably find a field of interest to dedicate your time to, and the social world you inhibit would provide a suitable context. I never had a context, I never felt comfortable in my skin, people seemed to ignore me, some of this was my fault, but I didn't know what to do about it. I didn't have a friendly face to relate with or give me advice. I think all our problems stem from this generalized lack of belonging, put a human in a blank room like Squidward when he's a l o n e and guess what'll happen - unless you're a genuine schizoid you need other people to relate yourself back to, otherwise it's all pointless. It's not rocket science, it's why most wizards/hikkis/neets/whatever are the way they are. I always knew this intrinsically but couldn't do anything so ignored it. I was a happy child in school surrounded by peers and friends and must've felt an innate subconscious ease about life, even as an eight year old. Growing up stole my humanity and I've been a do-nothing isolated wreck since.
No.301703
Why do all my family members yap at me for what feels like hours? I avoid them whenever I can because I know if I'm stuck in the same room they'll start dumping all their emotional problems and anecdotes on me while I sit there staring blankly.
No.301704
I fucking hate cars, I fucking hate people into cars. The shittiest hobby that attracts the most niggerish and least self aware of normalfaggots.
I hate that half my childhood was spent moving piece of shit wrecks around from one part of the lawn to another. Car niggers never fucking manage to get projects done.
No.301705
>>301704Those sound like poor carfags.
Being around car enthusiasts who actually have money and skill to restore, repaint and detail a nice Porsche or BMW or a classic car is pretty awesome.
No.301706
Watching walking videos from Europe and America is such weird reality check. To think that I have spend last 10 years with people who live in totally different society. I have leave the fucking internet. I can't cope with this breach in reality anymore.
No.301714
>>301688I didn't respond immediately, because honestly I have nothing to add aside from my own nonsensical rants about determinism as if prompted by part of what you wrote.
I've done a lot of self reflecting over the years, retelling my life to myself, sometimes others and drawing a straight line from birth to today with all the the influences both internal and external.
I know this sounds like an eternal victimhood, but I seek no pity. I hope people here will understand.
I wholeheartedly believe at every step of the way I made the absolute best decision, the optimal choice, the correct path.
That is, given my understanding at the time, my abilities at the time, my options at the time as influenced by my biology and past experiences up until the point of each decision.
Some things we are predisposed to by birth, most others are a result of experiences warping us.
Like a machine that learns a new algorithm after a traumatic event, new heuristics to apply to decisions.
You know how people learn not to touch the stove after being burnt once as a kid.
This extends to more complex behavior as well.
I agree with your assertions if I understood them correctly. The normal had positive experiences enhancing them, us, we either had negative ones or simply a lack.
Some wizards are like this without major trauma.
Your post made me realize that just by lacking the positive reinforcements one might still be warped in such a way.
One thing is for certain, most of us I believe have been rejected by life in some way, the rest probably rejected life themselves for their own reasons.
I relate a lot to what you write about being uncomfortable in your skin since day one. I was born quite premature, my birth and subsequent survival can be considered a "miracle of modern medicine".
Maybe that is part of it.
I always felt quite empty and foreign. I made many attempts at fitting in, but I was rejected by both kin and outsiders alike.
It was made extremely clear in my youth that I am not wanted, that there was something fundamentally wrong with me.
At times I had a "friend" mostly one guy that somehow tolerated me, but often this didn't last.
They weren't like me, just tolerated me out of pity or whatever soon to be discarded due to social pressure. You know, as the guy is normal and interacts with the rest of the community, while I'm the unwanted attachment made obviously clear to them…
Either way, I never quite figured out what the issue is. Nobody told me either.
I'm not hideous, I don't say offensive things, I tried to be polite, I tried to be a clown, I tried many things.
>I was a happy child in school surrounded by peers and friends and must've felt an innate subconscious ease about life, even as an eight year old.I somehow never had this, yet I still view my younger self as more happy, still able to feel joy.
At the age I would feel sad and even despair every night, but I still had hope. Maybe if I do something else they would like me… I was ignorant enough to keep the hope.
>Growing up stole my humanity and I've been a do-nothing isolated wreck since.I wonder what can be done about this though, because I feel like the damage has been done and it also seems irreparable.
Like some plastic chair with a leg that buckled and bent once. It will always bend and buckle at that damaged part no matter what. You can reinforce it sure, but it will never be the same.
Not to mention as an adult there isn't much you can do. Most communities and connections are set in stone at this time.
I'm not even sure I want them anymore either.
If the social validation, the world and people around you providing context to your existence is the key to prosperity as you seem to indicate, then I'll just come out and say we are absolutely fucked.
The context provided is that all struggle is futile and I am not wanted or needed.
Giving up goes against instincts. Even understanding all this. Accepting your fate like this feels like being a terminal patient waiting for demise trying to come to terms with it.
You can delude yourself with whatever copes you desire, but the subconscious knows what's going on and sees through it.
It's hard to accept such things…
Sorry for the long pointless rant, especially if I misunderstood parts of what you wrote and misappropriated your thoughts imposing my own.
No.301715
My worldview has undergone significant changes recently and I think this is probably one of the few places where I can share my thoughts without having them be rejected immediately for going against the grain. I am now much more comfortable and almost completely indifferent on most days to the feeling of ostracism that many wizards/apprentices here feel although the conclusion I have arrived at somewhat renders this point moot.
Firstly, my view of the human condition has become very alien to the average person. I view my thoughts and actions as things that arise spontaneously rather than things directly under my control. When a thought comes to me, I simply listen to it almost as I would listen to an external noise heard by my ears. My thoughts simply come to me spontaneously and I cannot actually will myself into thinking. I don't know what I will type next. I am just looking at the screen and my fingers are moving around the keyboard and the text is appearing on the screen. I don't know if this paragraph makes much sense but in essence I have stopped identifying with my ego including my thoughts. So I simply watch myself go about my day and do not react to my thoughts as much as I did before. I essentially view humans as flesh robots performing ultimately meaningless actions with the ego acting as a kind of feedback mechanism that comes with the feeling of being conscious. Any societal expectations I view as a biologist would view the social interactions of social insects like ants. I do not view these things as actually meaningful in any way. They simply happen and are neither good or bad.
What I have not been able to do much about is the existence of suffering. All I have said before is all well and good but then why must I feel pain if everything proceeds automatically and is ultimately meaningless and not under my control? Why do I have to suffer? I have not been able to find a good answer for this unfortunately. I have however stopped viewing life as inherently valuable. The only thing I classify as "bad" is suffering, so I do not view death as bad if it does not involve suffering. I do not necessarily believe that sensations like pain are inherently negative. I think the behaviour is learn to a large extent. Some people derive pleasure from certain types of pain. I do not, however, see how one would train themselves to do this all the time and just permamently regard pain as a neutral sensation like an indicator light on a machine. Even if one tries to meditate frequently this state cannot be maintained permanently.
So here I am, existing as a kind of feedback mechanism is a flesh robot that performs meaningless acts and suffers at random based on these actions and the actions of other flesh robots. In light of this, the only rational action that one can perform is to seek to die painlessly as soon as possible to end this meaningless existence. The only thing I fear though is that I would then find myself conscious again somehow, like sleeping and starting to dream or waking up from sleep but without any previous memories. I would then have to suffer without this knowledge that there is no point in existing and that I should simply exit as soon as possible. I have read many near-death experiences and there is this common theme of being told to go back to fulfill a purpose or that it was not one's time yet. At some point I had this idea that if I am able to have lucid dreams and meditate for hours on end I would be able to avoid reacting to whatever came after death and simply cease to exist rather than being "trapped" and forced to go back but this idea comes from the assumption that anything one sees while dying is not just a hallucination prompted by the process of deactivation of the hardware required to sustain the ego and this assumption cannot be proven/disproven.
No.301718
>>301716You were living in a walled garden, where you had not experienced real day-to-day-to-day threat to your livelihood and an awareness that every hour you spend on luxury is an hour not at work maintaining your miserable position - which if you lose will make things even worse.
The solution, then, is to *not be threatened by anything* - or at least not be aware of any such threat. It takes days/weeks/months to get to that state. Folks who have been acclimatised to it early in life tend to be better at it, hence why they go and grill on a beach in drunken stupor for 2 weeks.
It's medicinal - for them.
For folks (like me) who didn't get hit with the threat stick at a young enough age, the adjustment is brutal - and not everyone survives it.
All that to say; you *can* get back to it, it's just that you're not aware of the other confounding variables at play.
No.301719
>>301715Self flagellation - start with simple rope whips and work up.
I'd suggest that what's fault in your worldview, then, is the idea that suffering is "bad".
Undesirable? Sure. Something you have a reflex to avoid? Absolutely.
Unless you can find an answer to *why* you value suffering - that passes logical muster - as "undesirable" then you'll be going in loops forever.
Consider the inverse; that suffering is the purpose of life, that misery and pain and so on are the metric which determines your "value" as a human existence by some arbitrary but also completely inarguable judge. You've organised your life in such a way as to be maximally worthless in that scheme and it's just as unprovable/undisprovable.
So you pick something and *pretend* it matters in the face of temporary facts to the contrary. I'd suggest that's what you've done with avoiding suffering, but not recognised that you've done so.
No.301722
>>301714You sound like you have never finished that part of your adolescent development phase where you seek validation and affiliation and now you carry these universal emotional lacks as an adult where it's basically impossible to satisfy them. You need to let go. You're a meat sack sure, but you're not a hormone driven piece of shit anymore. You have the ability to think very clearly about things which you should use to your advantage not self sabotage. You don't need others except for fulfilling materialistic needs. The emotional hole is due to lack of others in essence saying to you: 'you are great enough that I want to spend my free time with you' is based on the misconception that that is a good thing. The truth is, that's annoying and exhausting. It is not a necessity. This is only a necessity for attention seeking whores. Be content in not being one of those. And also stop being an insecure teenager that wants to be left alone and at the same time whining that nobody loves them. What a miserable, pathetic and sad scene that is I'm feeling disgusted.
No.301723
>>301722Misunderstood I assume. Reading comprehension issues or projecting ones own thoughts perhaps?
Some claims were made by me, some were entertaining the thoughts of another.
The context of the personal anecdotes is also a past far behind me.
I hope you find the healing you need amidst your contradictions.
Though I admit to some your first sentence alone in vacuum would be of some use.
>It is not a necessity. Yet, even as a diagnosed schizoid I'm aware of a fundamental lack. Not that of of company or validation per se, but the desire and drive for it.
I don't believe the anon I replied to made his points in the way you frame them either.
>What a miserable, pathetic and sad scene that is I'm feeling disgusted.Projecting it is then.
I recommend a non-glare finish on your device of choice, it helps mitigate reflections.
No.301730
>>301728Same with me. I browse 4chan a lot but I am not invested enough in any hobby to have a home board. I was just online scrolling for years. When 4chan went down and people migrate to the altchans based on their interest it really drove the point that I have no tribe. People on the alt were complaining about 4chan moderation, reminiscing on old happenings, continuing to talk about their hobbies and I can only insert myself here and there at topics general enough for me to fraud as one of them. I avoid joining game nights because I won't have anonymity to hide in. It's fine though. I am old enough to not really care now. In the end online validation is just another form of escapism. This way I am closer to true schizoid peace.
No.301733
>>301722that's fine if you are a spider,
not if you are a human
>'you are great enough that I want to spend my free time with you'is the most basic prerequisite of living a human life
No.301736
Nobody:
Still nobody:
Absolutely nobody with something productive to do in their spare time:
Radical contrarians after I give a harmless opinion in the grand scheme of things:
https://youtu.be/taGAtjA81hQ?si=FPy8MAzFwXCGmoMe No.301738
>>301737Are you even aware where you are? Wizkid our tourist, call it.
No.301744
Meeting with autism group social worker tommorow, cant wait to get in a
Group home and get away from my psycho narc mom
No.301745
>>301744I wish I could live in a group home or government housing or literally anywhere but here.
No.301746
>>301741'the internet' is the technology
the 'www' was the blessing
'social media' was the psyop to subvert it
No.301763
I think there's 2 type of being loneliness, physical and existential. Physical loneliness is what people here mean when they say they don't feel lonely and prefer being alone. After all, hell is other people and being alone gives you peace. Existential loneliness is when you consider your existence on a cosmic scale, where you come from in the past, where you go in the future. It's when you're suddenly aware that you're something rather than nothing, a speck in the vast universe, that you'll inevitably die and your consciousness will possibly terminate. It's when you're alone in the dark on a cold night like I am right now. It gives a feeling of unease, and the mammalian brain is scared of what it has comprehended. Perhaps out of some primitive drive for security, our first instinct is to turn to our families and tribe members for comfort, and when we don't have any, that's the existential loneliness. Like a child with no mother to cry to after it hurt itself. It is very different from the physical loneliness of everyday life where normal people socialize with each other to avoid. Physical loneliness is about the social validation. Existential loneliness comes from an ineffable fear that our mind immediately turns to companionship for comfort. It is why some people are afraid to die alone. They are scared of death but with loved ones on their side that fear is soothed even if we don't understand why or how. I don't think this means that we have to go out and get girlfriends to get rid of existential lomeliness though. For one companionship is not the only way. Meditation, philosophy, a life mission would probably work too. It's also a matter of personality how much it bothers you. When I feel existential lomeliness do sometimes consider if I should rejoin my community but 5 seconds of having to interact with normgroids cause so much frustration that it instantly dispel any distress over being alone that I had, until I forget how shit is other people and start feeling lonely again that is.
No.301764
>>301722Unless you're actually a verified schizoid (and no, your buzzfeed tests don't count) - all humans need other people. It's easy to pretend you don't when you can sit and dull your brain with pastimes and frivolous activities and you're a wizkid who thinks these things will always be enough, but eventually you'll realize this basic truth.
>You have the ability to think very clearly about things which you should use to your advantage not self sabotage. You don't need others except for fulfilling materialistic needs.The irony here is pretty funny - denying your fundamental monkey brain need to belong and be a real person among other people is a form of long-term self sabotage and deception. I know because I spent over a decade alone. You cannot be psychologically satiated or fulfilled this way. I also know how easy it is to lie to yourself and pretend things are fine when they aren't. Maybe it *is* impossible for guys like us to find quality friends (who you'd actually not be exhausted and annoyed spending time with) but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try or that it wouldn't positively alter your life, maybe dramatically. I bet I get banned for not larping as as some monk despite the fact almost all wizards aren't isolated by choice but were forced into it. There's nothing about being a 30 year old male virgin that says you have to enjoy being lonely. I'd rather be sad than a subhuman bug who thinks people are only good for money.
No.301765
>>301764I would like to agree with you on various points but interacting with people always reminds me how much pain it inflicts on individuals like us. Other people can't help but notice how different we are and they despise us for that or look at us with disgust. Staying alone is a mere defensive mechanism to avoid any trouble and negative emotions. It's not great but it seems to be the better alternative. You can still be around people, walk on the streets, visit places, just avoid immediate contact.
No.301771
>>301648I hate how a lot of reddit users, especially on hobby-related subreddits, come off as actual retards who never do research on their own for anything they need help with and want to be spoonfed so constantly. It's like the largest demographics of reddit are children.
No.301772
>>301641Worst thing about porn to me is seeing all the people in them having successful careers just for doing nothing except have sex and enjoying it. Fucking grim.
No.301773
>>301772Reasons to be mad at porn:
❌ Propagation of self-destructive behavior and STDs
❌ Emotionally and physically abused young succubi groomed in to degeneracy
❌ Preys on the addictive tendencies of young men
❌ Irreversible brain damage after long term exposure
❌ Watching it is cuckoldry (a subgenre of faggotry)
❌ All for the financial benefit of Jewish demons
✅ People in porn have money easier than I have money
No.301774
>>301772Based. Those normalfags deserve all the superbugs they catch and I pray they catch many.
No.301775
>>301772I try not to begrudge people their enjoyment of things. I wish I dined at Michelin starred restaurants, too. Food is the next best thing besides sex.
No.301777
>>301772There are people like those in every field.
No.301779
I'm so sick and tired of being broke fuck the whole entire system
No.301786
>>301773I wish roasties cared about male circumcision 1/1000th as much as they cared about porn.
No.301791
I cant access moms kitchen due to her being histrionic,
I have to use food stamps outside to eat otherwise id be hikki
No.301792
Anyone else get so bored they fall asleep? Feels like narcolepsy
No.301801
Crying, helpless, pain which feels like all my bones are shattered, think about suicide 50 times every day, seeing hideous things in my dreams, and it still feels like the tip of the iceberg. I am leaving this world
No.301828
>>301792happens to me on weekends
No.301845
Why the fuck are the most simple tasks fucking impossible for me?
Like replacing my battery in my 2007 Ford Focus. I confirm at the garage that it's only the battery that needs replacing and nothing else, no other electrical faults are causing the problem. Okay, I can't identify what type of battery it is until I remove it as the stickers have all worn off. Okay, it's held in by four bolts. I find an adjustable crescent and try it with that. Nope, doesn't work because the bolt holding the battery in place is deep embedded in a little 2 inch chasm with steel surrounding each side, and there's only five inches of space vertically between the battery and the roof of the hood. Okay, so I have to go buy a $40 NZ specialty tool socket crescent with a swivel bit so I can get on the 45 degree angle to loosen the 10 mm bolt.
I can only rely on my mum to do me one drive to swap out the battery. So I call the battery shop, tell them my model, the year and registration, they run it through their system and insist this battery they have fits my car. I'm unsure, but they sound confident in it. Cool, I'll get mum to pick me up, get the new battery, get the new tool, and swap them over. Except they sold me the wrong size fucking battery, and running the specs through the manufacturer's guidelines, it's well out of the range of the accepted CCA rating, and it's two sizes two small so doesn't even line up with the battery connector rings. I have to beg and scramble for another ride from family, who treat me like an annoying fucking retard for needing help. Swap out the battery at the battery store and return back.
Swap the battery out and the car STILL won't fucking work. I confirmed the problem at the garage, wasted $270 on batteries and tools. I did everything systematically as you're supposed to with the resources available, confirmed the problem, located the tools, tried to work around everyone else who treated me like a nuisance. I can't even tighten these fucking bolts on the connector rings properly because I don't have a second person to hold the adjustable crescent as I tighten the bolt, and they just shift and move when I try to do it myself. I suppose I could find a clamp, but that's another mission and more wasted money.
Literally every fucking task I do is a wild run around mission like this for me. Then I get a fucking smug comment from some elder in my family about how I'm just hopeless with cars and tools. What could I have done better? Why does this apparently ten minute job take me fucking days that everyone else has no problem with.
No.301846
>>301845I just want to say I know the feeling.
No.301849
>>301845This is basically my life. I feel like I can't do anything right and what takes others minutes requires hours of preparation for me and several steps of execution split through several days just to still eventually not work in the end. Your description is so accurate it's beautiful.
No.301868
Now I feel like the ride is coming to an end.
No.301898
>>301745The month I lived in a group home is genuinely the only time I've felt content.
No.302189
>>301715What you're experiencing is a sort of realization that absolutely nothing is under your control, and trying to exert control is suffering. It's a common realization/doctrine in many spiritual and mystical texts for a reason, and 'letting go' has actually given me more peace of mind.
Upon letting go, you'll experience a sort of existential dread because your ego has stopped clinging and is beginning to die, so the real you is emerging. You really only need to endure bravely, feel and be patient.
I urge you to continue down this path. I am in this path aswell and it hasn't been easy, but it's the only path I have left to walk on. I am undergoing this journey through deep rest and non-striving.
No.302456
>>301736I can't believe that I'm reading the "nobody:" meme on wizardchan. It's really the end of everything. The new generations have invaded. Which if you think about it, it's totally normal, after all.
The problem is that we oldfags are still alive. Humans should die decades earlier.
It's all wrong.
No.302458
>>302456Whiny cunt sees a non-ancient meme and thinks Wizchan is being taken over by zoomie woomies. "It's the end of this place" he laments, only contributing sage'd posts about how much he dislikes it here.