/dep/ - Depression

I'm so fucking ugly and disgusting
It's painful to look myself in the mirror
I wanna kill myself

I'm going broke, and I really don't know how to deal with this fact. I went to 4 doctors to treat it, but none of them worked, and no matter how many medications I took, I was never able to overcome this problem. But these only caused me terrible side effects, such as fatigue, weight gain, apathy, a lot of disinterest in everything, and alopecia, but they were never able to attack the impulses. Violence never stops.
Sometimes I blame my family for raising me in such a violent environment, but then I think it's better to bury the past and look forward. But sometimes it is difficult, since it is not about the violence of 10 or 15 years ago, it is about things sometimes from less than a week ago.

I feel like an alcoholic, where instead of keeping a place free of that poison, it is offered to me in all shapes, sizes, colors and flavors.

How old are you? What brought you to where you are? What prevents you from changing?

Do you think growing up with video games ruined me?

I can't help but get angry at how life is a roguelike game with a randomly generated starter character you only get to play once. Fucked up your health permanently through bad decisions? Too bad you have to live with it even if you now have a healthy lifetyle. Found a new passion in life? Too bad you are now too old to pursue it. Want to study math? Well too bad you were born with a low IQ…

I just hate how you can get locked out of certain routes in life as time goes on or they were locked from the start. I hate how you have no control over what thoughts you get so you can waste your youth doing dumb shit only to realize it once you are an adult and the damage has been done.

I should just focus on what I can change and on the future but I can't help but feel frustrated over this. I can't help but feel envy towards those who managed to be in the right place and make the right decisions to end up with an amazing life and be frustarted at my past self for being so careless.

Now i don't know if this is madness but can a person like really just be vexxed or cursed to never have a girlfriend ? It's the fact that even when you try it always seems to not go your way, it always goes wrongly, It's fucking insane how much tries you try yet it does not work, it's almost as if there is someone stopping that shit because it's fucking insane how one can keep trying even in any way yet he cannot succeed with getting a succubus.

Do you think there is really some fucking paranormal background to males not having the chance to get a girlfriend even though they do everything that seems to be accepted by Social standards and even break social standards just to get a girlfriend yet with no avail, Even the most handsome yet cannot get it, I remember there was a thread about how people are bound to be lonely well this is a continuation, Do you think there are some who are destined to never have a girlfriend even though it seems absurd ?

Is there anyway to break from this cycle ?

Hello. Despite this being a depression board, it seems most people are still around trying to do something. I am in a situation where except dying there is nothing to do, so i decided to make a thread wondering if there are any other people like me online, since it's almost impossible to find anyone even on the outskirts of the internet.

tl;dr i have countless diagnosed and undiagnosed physical illnesses which cause me agony daily and i feel like i'm dying every day, spent all my money on doctors and went into debt, cant make any more money, will eventually be homeless(can happen at any time), addicted to xanax that if i quit im gonna get seizures, i will never have a normal home(never had my own room) or family(mentally retarded?) not to mention my mental health problems etc.
Overall I guess I have around 10 major problems of which each is lethal and will kill me, and 100s of minor ones(which a normal person would consider unbearable). I have nothing and noone, my life self-destructed this the year and it's been half a year of pointless suffering knowing i'm gonna die anyway. I just couldn't push myself to end it since i'm the biggest coward in this world.
I guess i'm not sure if there's anything to talk about, since everyone in similar situations is either dead or sleeping under the bridge and dying. I just lost interest in talking to anyone since I know they can't comprehend my situation at all. Even on suicide forums maybe even 1 person out of 100 is in a situation comparable to mine. So I just made this pointless thread.
If life is truly over for you, and you don't know what to do, this thread is for you.

You know, I've been thinking a lot about life and I finally realized something. I finally realized something after so many years of living. When I was 14 or 15, I believed that I would succeed in life, that I would soon become an adult and be able to do something in life. When I was young, I tried to find a job and learn something, but I just hit a wall. By the way, everyone humiliated me at school. Now I'm 26 and I don't want anything from life anymore. I'm literally not interested in succubi or money. I realized that because I couldn't succeed, as I got older, I lost all desire to have or do anything. I finally realized that if everything comes easy to you, you have goals and a desire to do something, and if nothing works out, you just give up. For example, I don't want anything from life anymore, I don't like people, and they don't like me either. Yesterday I overheard my mom and a relative talking on the phone and they said they hate me. You know, no one has ever considered me a person and I'm not a person, in fact I'm a nobody a loser with shitty health no job no goals in life no money and friends I'm a degenerate bastard.

I don't even know how to elaborate the sheer brutalness of life, I am so tired of being poor and be dependent upon my parents like a cuck. The state has no concept of neetbuxx. I have completed my degree, and I am sick of getting rejected from interviews, dancing all day long on LinkedIn out of the all fucking websites in the world, begging recruiter here and there. Changing my CV again and again, I do this all day, only to get an offer of a job that pays nothing, that wouldn't even qualify as stipend for internships.

Meanwhile, succubi in my college, particularly good looking succubi have no problem in life, they get paid so much, and get hired at an instant cause they look cool. They are truly untouchable. The new caste system is based upon looks and gender. With gender being the varna, and looks being your jaati. I don't usually get upset at things in life, as I have decided to not kill myself (maybe because of cowardice or simply it's rather unnatural), so the only logical conclusion is to improve the quality of my life that I am gonna live.

But today is one of those days, where you truly feel defeated and raped. It's quite remarkable how different my life is from an average bitch, who starts having sex at 15, travels the world, sleeps with whoever she wants, looks pretty, gets a job just for existing, good at socialising, sports, academics, etc. due to being in an extreme positive feedback loop. And most importantly despite of the cope that goes around in the online spaces, they are happier than the most.

Meanwhile, I have nothing, I don't care for relationships anymore cause damage is already done, but I can't even live a decent life alone and can't get a fucking job. A cunt who studied with me, got a job today for 11LPA INR (13K USD/YR) which is extremely good for India. Meanwhile, I can only get job a few job offers for (2K USD/YR), I mean what the fuck is this? Am I supposed to work 12 hours a day and six days a week for this, all while she goes around pilpuling her bosses and working for just 6 hours a day, 4 days a week?

This can't go on man, I can't live my like this, I don't know but this can't go on, this is wrong. I have legitimately not felt angry for like 3 years but today I really fucking am pissed of, my head hurts, I am just so fucking upset that I can't even cry, like what the fuck did I ever do to anyone to deserve this retarded fate.

I hate the fact that I have to put so much effort into tPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I would like to be with a being with whom I can share everyday moments, to have a being to worry about, in which I can capture the most beautiful part of my being, to whom I can show my vulnerable parts, express my deepest emotions, and show them really who I am. But who am I really? Even in an anonymous forum, I would say he is a great guy, who went through some things, but who despite everything never gave up, someone who always wants the best for others, and who has an optimistic vision even in the most difficult moments. hard And although in a certain way the above is not a lie, the reality is that there is an uncivilized being inside me, someone so disgusting and unpleasant that I don't even like to admit that we are the same person, and hypocritically, whether consciously or unconsciously. , I pretend it doesn't exist. But this is an undeniable reality, and although it is something that can be hidden, it is something that I would never share with anyone, much less voluntarily. I prefer to be a hermit secluded from all social contact rather than show this part of my being. I'm not going to lie to you, life alone is not the best thing in the world, and it has some associated problems, but it is not something completely bad either, and it helps to value things, self-esteem, one's own thoughts, and leave aside vain issues. like social norms, or what someone outside of us may or may not think of us.

Serious question for any wizcels:

Do you ever wonder how you got here…as in, how or why you "woke up" when you did, where you did, to the people (parents) that you did? It's impossible to make sense of. Just on one fucking terrible day, we took up consciousness, literally out of nowhere we are in bodies and tasked with learning the mechanics of entire material world. What caused us to be born when we were, to whom we were? I don't accept that it was random, or mere bare biology..I feel within myself that this life is a targeted punishment and that were I smarter I would have avoided being born entirely. What piece of shit god thinks he/it has the right to do this to us? We are born, thereafter we spend a few years simply making basic sense of things, go off to school, probably suffer a lot, continue to grow up, endure more sadness, and now through all of it we just continue to get older and weaker and sadder. This life is a crime against our souls and whatever caused us to come here HAS TO PAY. Really the only thing I fear is being forced to come back to this shitheap of a world to suffer again…and I do worry about this precisely because I don't know how I got here in the first place. I feel deeply sorry for all the new souls born to this world…there is just so much to learn, but even more there is just so much to suffer through…and I cannot understand what kind of god would force this sort of existence on tender helpless beings? The demiurge must be overcome.