/dep/ - Depression

>>308493
meds killed your brain there's now no hope of curing your depression

>>308494
Dunno, I don't think they changed anything. I feel exactly the same as I was before them. No brain fog or anything like that. They did kill my peepee but that's kind of a good thing, I spend less time jerking off at least.

My version of "better" in the next 5 years not being as bad as I had expected.

>>308495
that was your wand now you can't cast semenballs what a shame

>>305228
I still cradled dreams of some sort of "improvement montage" at around 22-23, but my reality ate away at those.
I let my body go to a shocking degree.
I let my mind rot as well.
I somehow turned 30 last month and honestly I don't even know why I'm here or how I got here.
From an outside view I'm probably a retard. People really seem to treat me that way too. I mean really, if I wanted to change or do stuff I would have, right?

To an outsider I started having health issues yet never changed habits for good. Failed flunked never tried never applied … Stuff like that.
I can't even take action to pursue hobbies. Like a literal normalfag will be better at my childhood card game than me because I can no longer force myself to put effort even into that.
I'm nothing and I do nothing. I somehow got a blessed wagie job, but for how long they'll keep me… idk.

Do I HOPE for things to turn out well? I think I still do else why do I keep living aside from fear of oblivion?
Do I believe it will?
I no longer have much faith in this NPC that I am. No matter how much introspection I just don't know why I'm like this.
Perhaps it's a lack of true desires that could become goals. Who knows.

One thing for sure… time is damn vicious.

just ended my drinking binge… time for the recovery day and to feel like shit for a while

I tried to stop I cant. I dont even get drunk anymore I just drink to feel numb

>>308337
The British ruled the world for centuries and their elite were alcoholics through and through. Perspective.

This guy is the opposite of an alcoholic actually but i like to watch him review whisky, I was nearly convinced to invest in whiskys but I don't drink

>>308449
only the top shelf stuff tastes good, its a big waste of money

>>305422
>try collecting plushies


Ha. Funny thing is, one can hide a nice box full of fragile stuff right inside that cute dolly's head.

So hey, getting a huge toy bear off some silly lady could save you lots of trouble

You know, while my folks are nowhere near you, they would ruin my days by constantly *tidying up* things that were in the middle of a project.


My mother never wanted a smart kid who would make a nice computer from parts, she wanted a boring kid with no emotions. She got a kid with a stern face who keeps searching for threats - because that's what my mother was: a threat to me just doing my stuff.

this sounds very gross and subhuman
there is no other way out but run away somehow

>>308433
I can see that working for some things, but for my current setup with what I have it's just not really possible. I much prefer my bait tactics which are working. Just the whole kid being let into my room to open all my closets and cabinets with NO supervision and breaking all that shit. Something I can't fix though. The door I have can't have a lock placed on it, even if it could, parents would break it.

>>308444
I know it doesn't sound like much, but that is irritating as hell. My mom would always put cups of her coffee over my artwork and leave a disgusting coffee mark that cant be wiped off. Idk why or how she did this, but her cups were always overflowing so the outside of the cup was wet with coffee. Disgusting stuff.

>>308490
I've weighed it all up and I still ultimately prefer living here, just barely. Also sounds rude and greedy but If I cut contact I wont get inhertence

>>308498
>If I cut contact I wont get inhertence
It's the natural order, nothing to be ashamed of. I'll get a bit when my parents pass someday, not much though because they bought annuities instead of investing (facepalm).

>>308136
There's a lot of info online, just scrape off the normie mumbo jumbo they like to give. Don't trust any other homeless person either, don't make enemies but dont trust them. Often they are extremely mentally deranged or morally bankrupt and can hide it quite well.

Outside of literally surviving decently you'll need to pick up a pass time so you dont go crazy, hard to do as a homeless. Probably look on google maps where the best spots are. Ideally you want privacy but access to wifi.

>>307892
>For many people, freedom is only found within walls.
Freedom is only found within walls?
I don't understand what you are saying.

>>308375
i wish i knew a way to fix this specifically. its the hardest part of working, resisting the colossal urge to go back to sleep and forget it all in the morning. its basically a subconscious instinct to me. doesn't matter if i slept 6 hours or 12. i just dont know how normal people do it.

>>307767
I got work tomorrow, 6am start and it's 12:48AM.

At least I changed my alarm clock sound so I don't get that PTSD Cortisol spike as bad

>>308399
It gets only slightly better once you're at work, sort of. I'm back at work tomorrow after having a few days off. I have a massive urge to just not show up, or to just quit and live off savings and become homeless afterwards but i know its way too rough and scary

>>308428
Anyway, in her defence: the heatwave got her so I should have shut up. I guess.

>>308430
However, she would comment every her stap yesterday.

I got fed up with that so I had to quit.

>>308430
However, she would comment every her stap yesterday.

I got fed up with that. She would always speak, speak, speak, but never answer a simple question.

Besides, I got her some stuff to play music but she would keep her apartment focused on her loud voice

just cut off all contact with your parents if they fail to display the most basic human behavior
then you don't have to deal with their nonsense

I'd say most of us had really messed up childhoods.

>>308363
>Schizoid
Hey that's me! And I agree completely with what you say to be honest, at least I'm not depressed anymore, if I was, college would have actually made me commit suicide.
It's been horrible to be honest, I can mask well enough to where people have no mayor issues working/interacting with me (they do know I'm not normal, and I've been told so a couple of times by normies) but I'm kinda masked and dissociated during and after class, genuinely I have to lay down for a good chunk of time, utterly defeated and tired after I get home from that shit.
Not only that, due to the anhedonia and apathy I don't give a shit about my degree (forced to get it by parents, I won't lol) and not only is my career hard as shit (medicine), it's super social so I'm genuinely dying, the worst part is of course I'm not built for this career or higher education in general (always hated studying and the education system as a whole) but my parents really want me to get a degree and I'm a leech in a third world country, so what can I really do, not like it matters too much when I'm home as I just bury myself in my hobbies, I don't really derive much pleasure from them mind you, like barely a bit here and there but they're a good way to burn time till I eventually die, and overall better than watching paint dry while I daydream.

Anyways, I relate to what you say, college ain't built for people with certain mental illnesses, especially if they have no drive/desire for that education to begin with, but well, not like we can do much, and working isn't particularly better, we genuinely are not built for society as you say, fuck this is so tiresome, good luck wizard, hopefully we'll both have a good ending, I'm definitely flunking one or two classes this semester, maybe my parents will finally get the memo and allow me to work or something.

>>308367
i guess i am clinically depressed right now. i bit the bullet and asked for a psychiatrist recently, and they stuffed me full of antidepressants, i don't feel any different yet but maybe that will change. good luck to you too fellow apprentice, give up the schools of man but do not give up the school of wizardry

>>308379
> i guess i am clinically depressed right now. i bit the bullet and asked for a psychiatrist recently, and they stuffed me full of antidepressants, i don't feel any different yet but maybe that will change.
Good luck then senior wizard, I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone, especially if like me they have another condition on top of it, hopefully you can find some release or help of some sort, even if it’s just some sort of personal peace, that’s the road I’m personally on because I don’t really believe there’s any cure for my Szpd.
Though I do recommend you to keep taking the meds for some time (I would say if you reach 1-2 months without any change then yeah, they won’t help), at least for me they did help massively (I would say they did a decent chunk of the work, the rest was trough personal efforts/changes and a the talk therapy did help a bit), but I can admit that how well they work seems to depend heavily from individual to individual (neurochemistry/genetics are a bitch) and TRD (treatment resistant depression) does exist too.

> good luck to you too fellow apprentice, give up the schools of man but do not give up the school of wizardry
Thanks senior wizard, nothing will get me out of the wizard school to be honest, I literally made a personal vow to the Lord to stay on it due to my waifu, so yeah, I’ll be a fully fledged wizard eventually and I’ll die a wizard.

>>307689
>despite doing nearly nothing

that is precisely why you are in a burnout state

>>307689
I was in your exact same situation, and then realized my meds were the source of my lack of motivation. It took a few months of withdrawal and even worse anhedonia before I got my willpower back. I don't know if you take any psych, but they might be the culprit if you do

no i hate everything and everyone and feel like it's absolutely justified

even when people ruin my life, there's no real resentment.
I just start calculating how I can get them out of my life as soon as possible.
I guess if you want to remove resentment you have to learn the skill of 'moving on'?

>>308346
I've lost most of the pleasure my PC used to provide.
Often I turn away and stare at a wall or my mirror and just wonder how I used to exist before the PC.
Same sort of weird feeling you describe. I'm old, body clearly showing decades of neglect.

I'm reminded of my single digit years.
Back then despite the miserable circumstances just existing was rather fun. Stuff in my memories is so vibrant and I remember everything was interesting and enjoyable.

I remember I had a very good quality stick for years that I ended up losing in the woods.
It was a nice durable stick…
My very own excalibur I'd say.

Exhaustion is all that is left. Despite being a wizard I feel like all magic is gone from my life.
Existing wasn't a burden back in the days I think.
I really don't feel like I have much in common with the little kid in my memories. Such an odd thing feeling alien compared to yourself.

>>308346
I know this feeling, feels like I'm a cyborg or something just pointlessly going through the motions like a flesh automaton.

The dopamine drip of screens keeps me artificially awake too long and I never sleep enough too. It's like the opposite of a bonfire at night surrounded by people, you're just staring at a light burning itself into your retinas while desperately trying to feel included until your body is too exhausted to continue every single night.

>>308466
>lost most of the pleasure my PC used to provide.

I'm sitting on years of video, music, and games that I'm just not going to visit again. I'm about to wipe the drives and call it, computer crap takes up a lot of desk space.

>>308476
>that I'm just not going to visit again.
Kinda sucks to acknowledge this at some point in life.
I've somewhat of a digital hoarder and wipe a ton of stuff both material and digital on a similar impulse.
I didn't regret it honestly.
Freed up a lot of headspace too not just physical.

My life is filled with asinine levels of disappointment. I almoat could have acheived something in school and had a happy childhood if my parents werent crazy. I could have a good job if the management wasnt retarded. My new lease suv fucking breaks. For christmas as a kid i would always receive some cheap knockoff of what i asked for so i guess im just conditioned to this shit. I could order a 10 piece nuggets and instead of getting 9, get a box full of spiders. Just constant getting kicked while im down bullshit like that.

Normies, especially succubi just love to complain. I bet your mother has nothing of substance going on in her life either, if she was happy and had hobbies she wouldn't be so up your ass. nagging and bitching is a popular female hobby

>>306727
A-ha.

go stern like a gray rock
ignore her as if you are out of love for her (not true, but…)

>>306783
>but I can go and live with my dad because my parents are divorced


Good for you, because my father was shouting very loudly and threatingly on me when I tried that option…

>>306783
>>306783
Move with dad

mine used to love me
maybe she still does deep down
but our relationship is irreparably damaged beyond hope

she doesn't insult me or make mean comments
we mostly just don't talk beyond the necessary, or see each other much despite living together

Finished some Cisco Academy Pathway courses in hopes to break into IT and leave the call center hell but now the actual certification cost 125 bucks which I cannot afford.
Whole thing makes me feel I wasted my fucking time if I don't Pay for the cert.
Trying to break into anything at 35 just feel hopeless.

>>308473
>I feel like such an imposter.
Same here. It's incredible how hard it is to find a job but then when you do you get paid to do absolutely nothing all day. I'm by no means complaining, but I can't quite wrap my head around how I'm getting paid when I provide nothing of value.

Everything is just one big farce.

>>308480
Life is a series of playing pretend. Why else would actors be so highly esteemed?

I'm fiyad, brews.
What's left for me? I have no skills, no talent. Idiotic-autistic, can't fake happiness.
Should I look into any religions before I blow my head off? I was raised christian and I'm retarded so I'm still kind of scared of eternal suffering

>>308484
tell mommy you love her and you need to move back in? that's what i did.