/dep/ - Depression

Post here if you don't have enough to say for a new thread, but it's too depressing for the crawl thread.
ice cold edition

I feel an immense disgust with the fact that I inhabit a human body. It manifests most acutely when I must face a physical process in action. Examples being; having to urinate or defecate, or having an erection. Defecating is particularly bad. I become aware that I am a worthless ape. I feel suicidal when I must wipe shit from my anus. Maybe you laugh at reading such a sentence, but it is truly horrible. I feel particularly demoralised and depleted when I realise that normalfags get to experience reality free from this burden. They do not fixate on the weight of their body, the terror of possessing a spine. They are not reminded that they are nothing but an animated flesh puppet when they face sexual arousal. It all feels like a cruel joke.

What is the average wizard's relationship with religion like? No religious person has ever been able to give me a good argument for why God, if he is out there, is not the most maximally evil being in the universe simply by the virtue of creating suffering when he could have chosen not to. Saying "suffering builds character" and derivatives of is just a manifestation of their stockholm syndrome for this vile entity

>I form the light, and create darkness. I make peace, and create evil. I YHWH do all these things - Isaiah 45:7

Never look for psychiatric help, expecially as an addict. It was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I got addicted to ultra high doses of xanax 8-10x over maximum, and when I tried to get help, instead of tapering me which is what they do in every civilized country, they took me from 30 to 0 in a day. I had stroke symptoms, 60/40 bpm, i was teleporting in real life, i couldnt talk think or know what day it is, function or do anything. I spent 3 days falling on my knees under the doctor's office in the psychiatric hospital and got treated like an annoying fly. I wanted to call an ambulance to take me out of there, i called an ambulance on myself because I thought I had a stroke when I ran away out of my drugs, but nobody ever checked nor was interested in anything. My doctor was an ukrainian piece of shit that treated me like shit under his shoe. After 12 days in psychiatric prison i barely escaped by pretending to get better, and spent 3 weeks in a psychosis despite taking antipsychotics and antiseizure meds, i felt 24/7 heart attack, stroke and epilepsy symptoms. I also lost feeling in my body, i had visual, auditory, time perception problems, became and invalid that couldnt move or pick up a paper, eat, swallow, feeel thirst, pee, lost ability to control my muscles. If i took a bath i would swallow all the water and not feel it, i hit my head on everything and didnt even feel it, i could punch walls and not feel if i broke my bones. When I went to a private psychiatrist to get help, she saw me and said she doesn't deal with this and kicked me out the door after 30 seconds without letting me explain a single thing. I lost my mind, it has been completely destroyed and ruined to the point there's nothing left. After 5 weeks of this treatment and choking on water I thought i'll die anyway so I went back to my drugs and after taking 1 pill I got a better remission and improvement than over a month of their psychiatric treatment. I could actually feel things and i wanted to cry from happiness. But it was all temporary, and in the end i went back to my old habits, but now, they ruined it so that I get every single side effect from the drug that I never had before despite taking the same amount for a year straight. My physical health has also completely collapsed, I was unable to take a bath for a month, shave, eat, think, time moved 100x times slower and I experienced hell on earth worse than being torturted alive with worst cia methods. Now I have nothiPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Hey mages, wizards, posting this here so some may see it instead of just throwing it in a doc somewhere.

I love life. For a period of about two to three years I was empty and melancholic with constant suicidal thoughts. But now I can't hate the world, the struggle of life moves my soul; the clouds, the sea, the stars, flowers, the wind, it all is so amazing to witness. Most of all I love people, for what they can be, seeing the rare phenomenon of a genuine person, be it in person, through their words, or through something they made, tugs at me like nothing else. And it's not like my life has materially gotten much better, I got out of my nagging bitch aunts house but otherwise not much has changed.
But this transformation has only made everything hurt more, going out amongst the normgroids deeply upsets me because they squander themselves for nothing. But even then I cant bring myself to hate how much it hurts.
If you're reading this mage it'd mean a lot to see you chase your dreams, I don't believe in that crap about humans only being able to care about a certain number of people.

You will still be stuck browsing this thread in 2026 edition

previous>>296811

I think age 31-32 was the point where I realized I'm too autistic and weird to ever have 'normal' things in life.

I will die either institutionalized or in some shitty rental with nothing to my name. Nothing that I dreamed about will ever become true.

I am not in a position to move out and I always have to listen to complaints about everything I do
Its affecting my happiness quite a bit, its a good day when I dont have to interact with anyone for a day
As if I dont know im a failure
The complaining never stops
I was a Neet I got cried to alot for that, now im a student and I still get talks about finding a part time job the same way, despite me getting money
Its so tiresome
I once worked full time for over a year, it was such a bad time to me, I dont have the energy like normies do
The worst part about it all is my mom telling me I should move out if I dont like it
I want to move out very badly, but how can I when the few hundred I get a month is barely enough to live?
Even with a part time job it would not be enough
I dont see the situation changing anytime soon

I am not even that horny, a lot of the days I force my self to do it while not even being in the mood for it, it's just the most effective way for me to cope, masturbation is free, gives you instant pleasure and can burn for you many hours at the time, there are times when i find my self touching myself just so I can use it as a way to distract my self for my anxieties and negative thought loops, as soon as i start touching myself all my anxiety and negative emotions start to dissolve as much as i hate and it hate how much i overdo it, i can't deny it makes getting through my days easier when i can just touch my self for many hours instead of just sitting there being miserable feeling hollow bored to tears and empty or anxious and overthinking at worse, my point here is that I believe the addiction for me is a mere sympotom, something I use to escape my negative feelings and the emptiness of my daily life, thanks for reading my blogpost

Does anyone else voluntarily exile themselves from society?

I'm tired of socializing, drama, human interests, social demands, social everything.

I wish I was a machine instead of a talking ape. I actually hate being an animal.
I don't even hate people, I just don't want to be in any contact with them. I even hate my own body for forcing me to eat and wash in order to not completely dysfunction.