/dep/ - Depression

This has been the worst work week of my life. I don't get shit done, I can't meet deadlines, colleagues start to get annoyed by me, I couldn't keep calm and spoke in an unprofessional way to a costumer, I felt suicidal and panicking the whole week, I barely get sleep and have nightmares three days in a row, I almost caused two car accidents, painkillers don't work against the migraine, I get random tasks ordered that stop me from doing stuff I already am too late for, I barely can grasp a clear thought and my head feels like it's packed with cotton wool, I dissociated again and doubt whether I exist. And it's only wednesday. Life's good.

>>296811
I worked for company A for 2 years. It was a small warehouse, me and 2 other revolving guys. I kept busy taking care of the day to day stuff of the warehouse while carefully avoiding any physical toil.
Well, about 6 months ago, Company A merged with Company B, as my boss purchased a failing company. No one else came over but my boss asked for me to come over, even paying for my travel until I got a driver's licence.
I was given a seat in the office of 3 other people. These other people are always working away doing sales for Company B (the companies are still considered separate). There are 3 in the warehouse picking and packing. I was given an office uniform.
Well ever since then for the past 6 months I've basically been chilling at my desk in the office. My day consists of scrolling and trying to look busy while getting happy when my boss once in a week asks me to do something. Again in the old place I was taking care of the day to day of the warehouse but that role is already filled over here.
I've tried learning skills but I can't really focus when I'm worried someone's going to come by and see my screen.
I don't think the members of Company B actually know I don't have any work to do otherwise I think I'd have been shown the door by now.
I want to ask for more work but I don't want to be told, go help in the warehouse. I don't want to do manual labor. I would happily do any office task, however tedious, I just don't want to do anything physical.
Any ideas? I know I should be looking for another job. But in order for me to get certified in something it would take months and I don't know how long I can take this anymore.

>>297451
>My day consists of scrolling and trying to look busy
This is just how office jobs are, you're not doing anything wrong.
It's why they are fantastic if you work from home, because you don't have to act busy.
If you've been there 6 months then you could move on and it won't look bad on your CV.

i was very close to punching my bathroom mirror just now, mentally i wanted to but it would bring too much trouble.
it has 4 hangers screwed into the wall, 2 at the bottom and 2 on the side. way too much trouble replacing.
i don't want my mother seeing a broken mirror if she ever drops in.

>>297564
damn… *spits to the side* you're one tough bastard…

>>297510
There was a 🇯🇵 neet here years ago whos dad was a professor, is that you?

It's just that it really bothers me that I am so close and yet so far, I can drive perfectly fine when I am driving forwards (or turning or in traffic or on challenging terrain) but when it comes to reversing, I am bad at it, I have no way to get the idea how close my rear end is to the car or fence behind me even if I turn my head around and look out of the rear windshield, I need to depend on a rear view camera to know how far away I am from the fence.

The other this is that it is perfectly acceptable in my country to stick your head out of the window and reverse, when people see you reversing they automatically stop and assume you have no idea of the other side but that is one way that we reverse.

Now, I am reading so much and learning so much, about how hard it is to get a licence in a country like Netherlands, UK, Germany, and Japan. Not only that you also can't use rear camera and rely on other aids. And how hard it is to park in European Cities, and major American cities, as I struggle with parallel parking in tight spots too. And I struggle with driving at night. Because oncoming headlights blind me.

Quite a depressing thing to realise, when you grew up as a kid loving cars and obsessed with them as an adult, only to realise you can't even drive properly and not being able to drive a car seriously limits you and cut you off from rest of the world and you have to be a dependent cuck. And watch succubi and normies out-skill you and emasculate you, very brutal feeling.

I don't even know if I practice will help with the nighttime driving and reversing as there is nothing I can do at the night as I am blinded by the headlights and as for reversing, I can't see much out of the rear windshield so I don't know if even practicing would help me even a bit as it's not like seeing through the front and being able to gauge distances.

Realising that I am not a true driver truly shattered my ego. If there is one wish that I have it is to be able to drive and park in all circumstances, but I am feeling very demotivated and the depression from it is spilling over to the rest of my life. I won't blame the system or these first world countries a bit cause other people are able to pass their tests so there must be something wrong with me. I just hope that I am not one of those who is not cut out for driving. Driving is the only bit of pleasure I get in my lonely life.

Driving isn't hard, but I don't like it because even if you only drive a short distance, you will encounter other drivers doing something crazy.

I can drive but yeah parallel parking gives me anxiety. Especially if it is on a busy street where people are waiting for you to pull in. But cities are cancer anyway.

>>297559
and there are assholes who do this

>>297504
Via reddit. I never knew how hated I was, I always used to believe that succubi have hearts and don't care about looks but I only ever saw succubi with good looking guys so it was only a matter of time that I came across blackpilling content and got blackpilled.

The next was my height, I am just a tiny guy with shit genes. When I asked around the internet about my height, it was enough to blackpill me.

I was frequenting imageboards since 11 years old. It's horrible.

I'm similar, but I have a lot of nostalgia for the mid 2000s era of the internet

>>297504
I got bullied until developing mania. When you get rid of the stupid want about fitting in then you realize how much filth is around you and that sets you into some sweet sadism. Still I say those normies did not get shit enough from me but, I was just one of my kind :(

>>297513
They must be gloating at the mere thought of you being minimally sad about them using sex a rule enforcing factor which affects your soul.

I rejected my mom's love and caused her to spiral into depression.

>>297549
I don't understand your pic

>>297549
>Our only social skill is knowing how to detect normies or how to trick them. When you delve these so needed skills in depth you may find that they are not only enxhausting but also rituals of humilliation.
We can't escape society. I did my best but i cant find any way to truly do it. You must find a way to coexist socially with others, at least to get what you need. That brings me a level of stress which means life isnt worth living for me, even though i havent even had to wageslave. I am stating that this problem cant be ignored for it seems it will lead to my death. I would go be a hermit in the forest if there were some clear path to that but i dont know how to do it and how to survive like that.

The requirement for tech is now like 3 - 10 times more effort. If you can barely get to 1x most aren't going to manage to push further. I've lost countless opportunities recently because even motivating myself enough to do bullshit take-home assignments was too much for me. It wasn't that I couldn't do it. It's that I wasn't willing to put in even more effort for what was already a huge waste of time. There are still jobs for people who are willing to do the new bullshit needed to land jobs. But I'd rather be a NEET than cuck myself that hard.

>>297556
And that's for the first world, things would be 100x more brutal in India where OP lives.

>>297557
but college tuition costs are 1/100 times cheaper. It's why I laugh at people wanting more H-1B visas and preaching for more American STEM students. Like any STEM student is going to look at that cost difference and not see the game is rigged from the start. We're gonna have more lawyers, bankers, and doctors while China cucks our cybersecurity.

>>297533
thats how i felt about >>297531

>>297536
I wasn't joking

>>296511
I have been thinking too much about my future lately and the topic of suicide, I am saving some informative posts about some suicide methods in my google drive, so I can have all the instructions, dos and don'ts when my care taker passes away and I will be forced to endure homelesness, hunger, and worsening health (due to lack of income) I must finish my document, enable the offline mode, get the 2 password authentication, and download it in my device, so, I can have it when shit hits the fan, hopefully once I am done with this O.C.D-ish task, my anxiety will be minimum.

>>297541
This thread is just skyrocket levels of cuckhoardary for telling wiz who to kill himself instead of some others

>>297552
EFILism is supreme.

>>297524
I second fasting here.

>>297524
>The more they laugh the more they be raging inside
like they want to punch you because theyre angry? if yes Its dangerous for me to stay near normalfags who laugh

>>297528
I just assume they be celebrating whatever I do, so I keep on… . Feel not humilliated, it's all pure theater.

>>297529
>it's all pure theater
the ability to detach yourself from your "role" is a blessing

>>297530
My role is to trigger and sabotage cunts as much as I can. Not to seek respect, or love, or understanding.

Isnt a diary supposed to be daily? come on, just one post/update per day. What did you do on the 25th?

>>296999
no i cant. im not from america, nobody gives a fuck around here and they charge thousands per tooth, it takes a fortune to do anything with your teeth. I also told my parents to go fuck themselves and i'm leaving already, i don't need useless trash around me, better to die homeless.
>>297003
not much to report, my head hurt so much i went to sleep. I end up sleeping all the time if i just lie around, i prob already have a brain infection from all these issues. I slept through almost whole day and i can't even stay awake cause i don't see any point if i'm not going outside to kill myself.

Rapper OG Maco just died after weeks in a coma after shooting himself in the head. Not sure about the quality of the shooting but it's a problematic method.

>>297061
Thank God, another dead rapper.

are you here OP?

>>297350
Oh, Wizzie, employment is rough nowadays even in the developed world, let alone the third world, it's valid to want to be independant from your parents, why don't you start helping your mom a little bit with the house chores? it's not rocket science

>The other thing is that I am quickly losing my cognitive abilities

I have the same issue, years of NEETdom nuked my brain, I have 0 short term memory, I even forget the names of everyday objects and i need to describe them with hand gestures to people IRL, i even forget what i wanted to do a second ago, i also have a super slow brain procesing speed, and i am constantly distracted with my own thoughts, i literally can't focus on anything for a minute without my mind wandering, my brain has been out of shape since i dropped out of school, and it's making learning new things hard as HELL.

>>297355
I try to help her by getting groceries and doing work that requires her to go outside, I have started small by cleaning my own dishes, cleaning the bathroom, but it still doesn't feel enough when I see how many chores my mom does. I really have to up my game but I am too lazy.

As for cognitive decline something has to be done quickly, let me know if you find some solution, it's becoming like a degenerative disease. And it has been happening more and more, not only am I not able to speak anymore, I also process things very slowly.

Like earlier I could just study for exams just a night before and could somehow remember all the information, but now even if I study a week before I am unable to remember that.

I have also had my own share of funny incidents. Like I had to put something outside of my house and lock the front door and then go through my back door, cause the lock of my front door doesn't work from the outside. So instead of putting the box just out of the front door, then locking it from inside, and going out through the back door. For some reason I decided to lock the front door first and move the box out of the back door, and then go all the way to the front. My mother started laughing seeing me do this and was like "Your head doesn't work does it?"

Same is happening while driving as well, one might thing the more I drive the more my skills would improve but instead they are deteriorating day after day. It's like I have constant mental fog, where I can't see properly.

Earlier I could explain anything to my friends and even explain to them in English but now I struggle to describe things in my own language. When I see some old screenshots of the posts that I have written, I am surprised that I could've explained something so well.

Not only that I feel like my IQ has been reduced, earlier I could easily understand complex video games, but now it takes me too long to understand even a simple video game.

I am in my 20s but it feels like my skills and abilities are at the par of 80 years old. Like when someone says something to me, I have to take my whole sweet ass time to understand and interpret what is being said.

I am also very bad with directions now, which I wasn't earlier, I could easily figure things out, easily do math, but it feels like nothing works.

If you oPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>297364
I am trying to increase my daily share to sun exposure, i heard vitamin D helps a lot with short term memory issues, all i will suggest is daily exercise, staying hydrated, and quality sleep everynight, i also tried to improve my short term memory less by memorizing rythmic poems, but i gave up after a while due to the lack of noticable progress, i cannot really give advice here, because my cognitive skills are probably way worse than yours, I can't even learn basic algebra, remember how to spell most english words without the usage of auto-correct or solve 4chan's captcha, you should look for a cognitive therapist or psychterist online on some subreddit or webform, the internet is a vast place.

>>297350
>The other thing is that I am quickly losing my cognitive abilities
Yeah same, I'm just as you described there, down to developing a slight stutter.
I think the only cure is to use our brains, I never really test my brain with maths or complex thought any more.

>>296932
Learn Human Design.

>>297499
Good input.

>>297499
Taking a screenshot for that whole post so I won't lose it if the site gets taken down.

>>297499
Hell yeah, cook up some meat on your way out so the person that finds you can have a burger.

>>297373
the biggest issue with trying to "turn your life around" post the age of 30 is the fact your cognitive abilities are going to be way worse then they were when you were in your late teen years, learning to plumb or to code or any other skill is going to be way harder when you do it at the age of 30 versus when you do it at the age of 18 since the human brain degrades with the time especially if you spent ages out of education when your brain becomes "out of shape" after not using it for a long time, people don't realize this fact when they say "it's never too late".

>>297465
>an unemployed family member literally sit down at the dining table and start calling businesses to find a job.

That is one of the worst pieces of advice I've ever read and was only true maybe 30+ years before every job required a mobile phone number and an email address. Hell I remember doing this 10+ years ago, I was going to wageslave place to wageslave place with a CV and every single person was "apply on the website".

>>297476
Just telling you what happened. They were all trade jobs (often tradies list their own mobiles in the phone book. Tradies hate technology.) I think this would still work well to get an apprenticeship. Though maybe I'm mistaken.

>>297439
What that guy said was not advise. He literally just said Learn 2 code bruh, with no elaboration.
I've done courses in Python and HTML/CSS/Javascript. At which point have I "learnt to code"? At which point am I able to apply for jobs? Where do I even find jobs to apply for since there's barely anything on job match websites? No one can answer these questions. Then you find out they were given a job by their cousin.

>>297491
I specifically said it wasn't advice and went out of my way to say that going into tech right now was a bad idea. I posted it because I wanted to show there are jobs for people with mental illnesses. This is in contrast to most of what gets posted here which is imo: the blind leading the blind and posts goading each other into suicide.

I don't think I would waste time posting specifics because I'm tired of having what I say instantly ignored and then misrepresented with retarded shit like "then you find out they were given a job by their cousin." Who the fuck wants to try give advice to people who you know are going to ignore everything you say. And will almost certainly spend their time making up bullshit to imply that you're lying, manipulating, or being deceitful.

Genuine crab behavior designed to sabotage themselves and others. Sage for shit thread.