i want to say something but i dont know what.
i dont know. i started feeling smell. i can smell things now. i think it must be because i stopped taking meds i took since i was 2 or so. ive realized many things have an odor. before i couldnt smell anything unless it had a very strong odor and i held it very close to my nose. and my eyes hurt because i cry so much.
i was the happiest person in the world. i experienced a type of happiness no one else ever experienced. im very lucky to be like this. i feel like God loves me a lot.
i have to kill myself because everything went wrong but im scared of dying. i dont want the magic to end. i never lived my life. i dont know.
i want another chance. please God, please God, i beg you, i implore you, let me try again. please let me be myself. i want to go to school and show everyone what i can do, i want to get a lot of prizes and such so i can go to a nice university, so people will read what i will write, and then i will write hundreds, thousands of papers. i want to be useful, i want to help, i want to be forever useful.i want to make and do things for others. i have an intuition for what needs to be done and where we should go, im good at getting things done. most of all i want to make everyone happy, i want to make everyone happy forever. i feel like theres a fountain of life inside me and i wish i could give forever. if i cant be useful then at least i wish i were free, so i could make my own world, and my own creatures, give them souls, and make them happy.
i dont know. the more time i spend thinking about it, the more i think death isnt the end. i know that, rationally, ill just die and my corpse will rot like everyone elses, but when i ask my intuition, the same intuition that makes me good at many things, it says maybe god will grant me my wish. i existed, im real, what is inside me is real, and it has a purpose, so i dont think it will end. i dont know. i dont know. im not sure how to say it. i wanted to fulfill my purpose, and do everything i can, i dont know. im very scared. please God, please dont let this end.please let me try again. i like imagining how my life could have been different, everything i could have done, my imagination is very good so my mind almost mistakes my detailed fantasies for reality, it feels real. i have to put a lot of effort into imagining because i know that after i die i probably will never experience these things again.
i dont know, im scared, im scar
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